Thank You to The Haters

Don’t hate me for what I might achieve
After hacking down your own striving legs.

Don’t hate me for the demons I might conquer
When your dark heart vaults only shadows.

Don’t hate me for those that love me truly
Before you see how your own beloved are belittled by it.

Don’t hate me for pulverising my own mocking fate
While you languish there lamenting a luck that deserted you.

Don’t ever cast your wretched gaze upon me
While your potential is not a pinnacle that you ever sought.

Because hatred is your carcinogen
And my days of mourning are
Long
Long
Long
Gone.

Hi guys, I’m TV’s hunky Doctor George MacManus, and I’d like to welcome you to Home Doctor Tips, this edition: Are You Suffering from Dead?  I’d also like to take this opportunity to let you know that “I Care”®

I’d like to thank you not just for checking in with me, but for deeming yourself “Worthwhile” © enough to lose the apathy for long enough to be arsed doing anything about it.

Okay, so to cut to the chase, if you’re having any of the symptoms listed above, you may actually be suffering from dead, which, in clinical terms, is often subdivided into testable classifications ranging from mild dead, to acute dead.  That all sounds quite frightful, but take a breath, because a diagnosis of dead isn’t the end of the world.  The prognosis can be as good as what the weather sometimes is.  Particularly if you’ve caught the condition it in its earlier stages of morbidity.

So I’d like to first talk about myself, ha. I’m joking of course.  You see, it turns out that people like me, TV’s hunky Doctor George filled with life, are one of the cures for your dead.  At the TV’s Hunky Doctor George Practice, we pride ourselves on having taken a holistical approach to healthcare, particularly towards those of you suffering from dead.  In fact it’s in our mission statement.  Which has a lot of words in it.  And those are just some of them.  Yes, holistical, which to us means lots of droop-eyed glances of pity and alternative words for our drugs.  See, here, we don’t do Temazepam; we do “Plain Sailing”.  Here, we don’t do Zomorph; we do “Happy Happy”.  Holistical, savvy?

The TV's Hunky Dr. George Practice - we're holistical!

So I want you to sit down, relax and take your own pulse.  Is it less than 55?  Don’t you ride your bike any more?  If it’s over 185, put down the skipping rope and stop pretending to be fit.  That’s not a max heart rate, THAT’s tachycardia!  Now, stop messing around, sit down and relax.  I want you to try to take your pulse… By surprise!  If you take it *while it’s looking* you’ll produce a false reading.  So try distracting yourself for a minute, with perhaps something heinously morose off of the internet, say Demi Kutchton Ashter on Twitter.  But not David Mitchell, god no, THAT’s a genuine contra-indication.  So Demi whatsherface or Paris Hilton or some iconic no-mark; sit right back but don’t fall off, immerse yourself and while waiting for Jeremy, the God of Inanity to overcome your consciousness, SLAM!  You got that pulse?  No?  Don’t be alarmed.  That’s good.  It wasn’t there; we’re still on target for an initial diagnosis of dead.

Next, if you haven’t already done so, pop out to your pharmacist, or go on eBay and get yourself a Werther’s Originals Testing Kit.  They’re disgustingly cheap.  Got that?  Good.  Take out a 2g dose of Werther’s Original bonbon.  Write down how you feel about it on the diagnosis card provided.  Carefully open up the confection [wear the safety goggules provided] and repeat the procedure deftly checking the checkboxes on the diagnosis card.  How’re you scoring?  If you’re scoring mostly “I’m looking forward to my next Werther’s” then we’re on target for a diagnosis of dead.  Finally taste the sweetie.  But don’t overdose.  This is potent medication.  TV’s hunky Doctor George’s TIP – this is a good time to take that pulse!  Is it still there?  No?  Marvellous.

Okay, so total up the scores on the Werther’s diagnosis card.  By now you should be building up a picture of the seriousness of your condition.  Yes?  Bravo.

So, pause for a moment, just as you would after witnessing a horrifically contrived and horribly trying-too-hard student viral video off of Youtube.  You see, I think this might be a suitable point at which to take stock.  So it appears near certain that you are indeed suffering from dead.  You’re probably leaping ahead and saying to yourself, “Oh my God, Jemima, what’re we gonna do; we’re suffing from dead,”  and it’ll immediately be apparent to you that 1. your dual personality issue has relapsed and 2. that since you’re real name’s Johnny, you’re suffering as well from secondary gender dyslexia.  No matter, Jemima’s right, what are you going to do?  Shit yourself?  Well all in good time.  For now, and in line with the aforementioned holistical approach, let’s do a little occidental head massage.  Just kneed that disgustingly wrinkled scalp of yours first with the left hand on the right meridian, then with the left hand on the right meridian.  Then with both hands on your credit card.  You feeling better after that?  Yes?  Then you’ve just self-confirmed yourself as suffering {insert Option #3d subliminal ad technique here} from acute dead.

Okay so at this juncture, it’s possibly worse {insert Option #3e subliminal ad technique here} than you’d thought.  But there are options.  Plainly it’s beyond even the remiNt of a TV’s hunky Doctor George to pursue therapy online.  But because however “I Care”®,  I’d like to heartily recommend {insert Option #4a subliminal closing technique here} my Complete Cure for Sufferers of Dead, which is available as a CD and an iTunes download for a {insert Option #x subliminal brainwipe technique here} nominal fee which does, and may, go to a charity.  Just click the button {Paypal link} and save yourself.  {Discretionary WARNING-if-command-NOT-heeded Insert #$}

In the meantime do absolutely **no-thing** until you’ve purrrr-chased Complete Cure for Sufferers of Dead.  {insert reawaken command #a here}.  And thanks for reading.  Next time, on Home Doctor Tips, we’ll be discussing methods for the Chronic Functional Psychosis {insert upsell “with Sociopathic Tendencies” pack here} self-test.  Until then, remember that TV’s hunky Doctor George says “I Care”® “even if you don’t” ™

Points to you for correctly guessing these here miscreants contained within (:

Wayward Photochopping, Shakespearean scripting, Lloyd-Webberan Musical direction, all moi: David Faylin.. Moi! Moi luvvies! Moi! SUB ME yall.. Cos u da man! (:

Using his secret pin number didst ROBOT GOD deploy “mortgages” which included dual concepts “working for too little money” and “property that costs too much”. And ROBOT GOD saw the wrinkles appear upon the brows of the robot masses. And ROBOT GOD saw that it wast good.

The “disease” package didst come with too many settings and options for ROBOT GOD to make sense of and thus didst ROBOT GOD selecteth them all and clicketh install. Yet some of these disease organisms conflicted with an already installed package “immune system”. Therefore didst ROBOT GOD extract some of the brain matter from Robots David and Victoria Beckham and didst implant it into H1N1 and the common cold. And ROBOT GOD saw that it wast good.

The “aging and eventual death” package didst install a genetic sequence that wouldst build in obsoletion. Except in the one called “Connor MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod”. Yet ROBOT GOD wast not perturbed for there couldst be only one. And ROBOT GOD saw that it wast good.

ROBOT GOD didst then deploy “heartbreak” yet discovered that Robot World didst not meet minimum requirements for there were no hearts within the robot masses. So didst ROBOT GOD inventeth the heart as symbolic of love. Still there wast no such notion as love, so love wast invented. Even so, among the robot masses there were no traits worthy of love. Therefore didst ROBOT GOD inventeth long hair and protruberences upon the robot females, and didst widen the shoulders and divide up the big fat stomach muscle in robot males into six. “Quirky sense of humour” wast invented because that art also important. And “kindness”, “generosity” and other equally important stuff like dimples which art cute.

Then didst ROBOT GOD steppeth back [into a golf match since ROBOT GOD had procureth for himself some pimpin new spike shoes from Nike like what Robot Toger Woods hath]. ‘Twas the intention in the infinite mind of ROBOT GOD whilst he wast golfing and looking pimped, that the robot masses wouldst pair among themselves that he mightst subsequently tear them apart in a morbidly malevolent yet infinitely compassionate frenzy of “heartbreak”.

However whilst ROBOT GOD wast enjoying cigars at the nineteenth were textual messages apprehendeth on the iPhone which ROBOT GOD hadst invented just then in order that those textual messages mightst be received. And the textual messages – one of which wast spam [which wast not inventeth, but just WAS] – didst say “prblm on rbt wrld cm qk” At which point didst ROBOT GOD noteth to self to inventeth vowels, capitalisation and punctuation by and by.

Looking down upon the Robot World, ROBOT GOD wast distraught to discover two things:

Firstly whilst there were many approved pairings between six-muscle males and protruberent part females, hadst many of the robot mass merged in other ways, having invented for themselves homosexuality, bisexuality, transexuality, androgyny, fetishes and other conditions that didst cause ROBOT GOD to short circuit and blue screen with vexation, though still apprehending that these miscreants also wouldst be subject to heartbreak. Until that was, ROBOT GOD also discovereth inventions more abominable to him that wouldst lessen the impact of “heartbreak” to minimum: support groups, drowning thy sorrows down at the pub, slagging off ex-partners on social internet sites, getting thyself a spa and makeover, dating agencies, “pay as thou goest” encounters, cutting up ex-partner’s wardrobes, draining ex-partner’s hydraulic brake fluid, and changing the locks. And divorce lawyers. And the phrase “plenty more fish in the sea”.

Distraught and mocked again by other gods watching from the nineteenth with their cigars and XXL graphite drivers, didst ROBOT GOD have a beautiful epiphany moment [which wouldst subsequently be calleth MDMA]. For in order to nitrous-oxide boost the agony of “heartbreak”, didst ROBOT GOD inventeth “TRUE love” that it might be torneth asunder on the whim of ROBOT GOD.

Now there wast nothing like “TRUE love” in all existence. Yet ROBOT GOD didst also maketh “true love” hard to find.

[And therefore, if thou findeth it, telleth nobody. Especially ROBOT GOD. For it art written].

But amid the upset of “aging and eventual death”, “disease”, “heartbreak” and “mortgages”, didst ROBOT GOD see that the robot masses turneth bad. And thus the subject of our next reading from the Doctrine of ROBOT GOD Book 001.4 art THE LAW!

Written, scored, visualised and Photoshopped by me, David Faylin.

SUBSCRIBETH to my Youtube channel, TheREALRobotGod, or my novel’s channel, IntoKotaom.

BECOMETH A FAN and thus saveth thyself!

… ’Scusez moi, my quite gay wife Marielle sought to… ‘ow you say, a little snide bawling me out? in front of her friend Susan on account of the knives not being laid straight.  She is a perfectionist.  And quite gay.  All this would be more easier for you that you ‘ave not a pedantic and quite gay wife Marielle such as is present in this, the Emmenthal ‘ouse’old.

OK so I ‘ave closed off the door.  Though I can still ‘ear ‘er laugh; that ‘orrible froggish croak from out of that crooked little moustachio lip of ‘ers.  So, we proceed:

Numero Un – Hors-d’œuvre.  For this we will attempt to replicate my item which tu sais Michael Winner remarked: went in his mouth, “like shit off of a shovel”.  I call this Confit d’Oie et M&M.  What you need is preserved goose breast and a assortement of M&Ms.  Personally I prefer to catch the ingredients myself out of Lidl – to ensure freshness tu comprends.  Simply you mix together all of the constituent together and experiment with your own seasonings such as the MSG-enhanced flavour scraped off of the Prawn Cocktail potato crisps [as long as they are fresh!]  Confit d’Oie et M&M is a favourite of my quite gay wife Marielle.  Though it gave her la diarrhée extremement but a recipe for success for me n’est-ce pas, since I ‘eard not her berating froggish wailing at me for two ‘ole days.    Garnish with an apricot stone which you have masticated in your mouth until it is slick; voila.  I shall bring these out to my quite gay wife Marielle and her friend Susan…

…  Hmm, well perhaps in your own creation, you do not BURY the apricot stone quite so deep in the confit.  For me, it is part of the experience to ‘ave watch Marielle heimlich Susan.  (I could think of nothing better to do with Susan than heimlich her).  OK so we move onto the next course…

Numero Deux – Relevés.  ‘Ere we ‘ave a beautiful little dish Confiture d’Olives et Poulpe.  I created this item when I was on I Am A Celebrity And Now You Get Me Out Of Here.  I gladly swallowed parakeet poopoo because I was absent from the acrid eyes of Marielle my quite gay wife for two weeks though I was outvoted in the second cut by Matthew Amroliwala off of the TV.  So we assemble the olives and the octopus, boil them together for 20min gas 5 or until the octopus, his squirming in the pot ‘as stopped.  Then we put them into the blender and add sugar to make it sugary.  Then add some salt to make it salty and some white wine vinegar to make it tart.  Arrange it delicately on the plate and sprinkle over apple seeds from an apple core.  And serve…

…  Ah, Marielle my quite gay wife did not appreciate the apple seeds.  Nor did her friend Susan.  Mais, they seemed to enjoy the finely chopped fingernails and phlegm that I ‘ad in my throat and ‘ad mixed in well.  Donc c’est un repas perfectement!

Numero Trois – Le Plat.  Allow your patrons to choke off les relevés before you are serving the main.  As a perfect compliment to Confiture d’Olives et Poulpe we shall make Terrine de Globe Oculaire.  This delicious eyeball pâté should be served with a cup of pickled gherkins from out of a cold Big Mac burger, partially fermented in the bin out back of McDonalds in the precinct.  I received a note handwritten by Egon Ronay after he sampled this dish, and I quote: “It’s abso-f***ing-lutely wonderful.  Like mushy peas only more black and bloody.”  Terrine de Globe Oculaire isn’t really meat because it is an eyeball so it will do for vegetarian and quite gay people like my quite gay wife Marielle who I recall went out to some ladies business club the last evening when I mentioned that I was cooking this delight.  Serve with the fingers crossed!

Menu of the Lèvres Bleuies at The Bunbury, Kensington

Ah c’est un succès fou, n’est-ce pas?  Marielle my quite gay wife and her friend Susan, they ‘ave left and so I will pretend no further…

… Ramon!  Ramon!  You can come out of the cupboard.  Ahh, Ramon ‘ere ‘e is my petit pomme de terre, come let us eat our Bounty bar and Doritos!

C’est haute! Mmmmm.  ‘Ope you enjoyed my expert tips.  Call an’ say ‘allo in Lèvres Bleuies at The Bunbury in Kensington… Our food is so beautiful you will shed a tear.  Is that not correct Ramon?  Ramon, get your tongue out of there!

I think that entirely qualifies me to know what I’m talking about with Adobe Photoshop CS4.  So let me give you who don’t know as much as me a few Expert Tips for David Faylin’s blog.  I’ll use as an example, the brief I last worked on.  Record company Holy Shit wanted an album cover for their latest signing fresh from X-Factor first round failuredom, Oliver Closov.

Here is the initial image:

Oliver Closov initial image

Sara’s Photoshop CS4 Tip #1 Using Colour.  A lot of Photoshop CS4 users aren’t entirely conversant with colour theory, colour wheels, complimentary colours etc.  I’ve studied all this and have qualifications that you probably don’t, but all you really need to know is that MORE colour = happy clients!  Thus I took the original picture of Oliver Closov and from Image > Adjustments > Hue and Saturation, increased the saturation levels to bring a little colour to his cheeks.  Can you see the difference?  It’s subtle but necessary for this rockstar branding.

Oliver Closov coloured image

Sara’s Photoshop CS4 Tip #2 Text layers.  I’ve noticed that many amateur Photoshop CS4 users that don’t have my expertise, often use inappropriate typefaces.  People say to me, but Sara, what’s an appropriate typeface?  Really, I tell them, it’s complicated and context-dependent, add an air of gravitas with Caslon or go hunting for jazzy, funky, professional or arty fonts to suit.  I tell them there’s no easy answer.  But actually, and here’s my expert tip, it’s dead easy: choose Comic Sans Serif EVERY time because Comic Sans = happy clients!  You can see how I’ve used this to optimum effect here.  Since I’m an expert, I was able, to drag out a ruler guide and make sure everything was in the centre to add professionalism.  I also chose a nice bright colour because that’s quite rockstar-ish.  And I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I’ve placed the text one-third of the way down because that’s optimal.  Leonardo Da Vinci discovered that about albums when he was doing that drawing of the man with no clothes [that was before he got involved with Tom Hanks – that’s a free bit of trivia  from my art studies]. I have also skillfully stretched the image dimensions so that it’s square because that’s the shape of CDs and things.

Sara’s Photoshop CS4 Tip #3 Filters.  There’s a tendency among some non-experts to misapply the filterset on Photoshop CS4.  Faced with an oft bewildering array of single-click image manipulations, the amateur user might become dazzled like a Myspace denizen and select an inappropriate filter for the mood.  For this example, I was seeking to generate that rock feel and, as with all my briefs, I follow my one rule for Photoshop filters: move ALL the sliders to MAX because as any professional in my business will tell you, MAX filter = happy clients!  I first of all rasterized the text and merged the layers, applying the filter to the resultant layer.  For this, I’ve chosen Ocean Ripple followed by Texturiser because I quite like those and I’m quite expert at imagining these things.  The result, as you can see enhances the image greatly.

Oliver Closov with filters applied

With a few final Photoshop CS4 secret tweaks, the final draft sent to Holy Shit Records for proofing looked like this.

Oliver Closov after final Photoshop CS4 tweaks

I’m still awaiting their amendments.  I can’t see there being any.

Hope you enjoyed my expert tips for Adobe Photoshop CS4.  Keep practising and one day you might work in a great place like this with experts like me.  Speak to you soon about the use of Photoshop CS4 brushes in order to touch up Britney to make her look human.  TTFN, Sara x

me on facebook cos i look like zac efrom

hi my names boyd schidt n im an xpert in facebook… i wanna share my xpert tipz wid ya cos i is a genurus persin… look 4 the sign xpert tipz! cos that is an xpert tipz! i bin on facebook (started on bebo) all mi life since I wz like 10 or sumthn so lissen up u reetrrds cos u no nuthin til u reed this

1. putn up yr profil — don waste time takin a webcam pic of yrslf cos that uses lectrik n isnt green — xpert tipz! lift a sxy pic of myspace or place wr nobody goes… guys wid 6pks r gud or fairys f ur a grrl or sum 15yo if u is a prevert… fr mines I use zak effrum cos like my gf sez i look like him neways only shes not my gf now shes a biotch that ran off wid sum like 20yo gramps child snacher and i is startin a new prof to like stalk her n stuff…

2. pick a name that int urs cos u nvr no wen ur teechn ppl r lookn (or ur boss is lookn if ur like really old or if ur like my da unimployed n hidin frm the frodd skwodd fr claiming binifits wen he shudnt b)… xpert tipz! ur facebook name shud b funy or sujjestive like mine or my m8s peter pance, ben derover, wilma dikfit or harry balzak pmsl n use hearts n askey karackters cos these get chiks quik

c. fil out ur profil infurmatons — deside if u is emo or scene n lisst down ur bands — xpert tipz! if us is not emo or scene (then wat is u like a nerd or a geek or sumthn?) don lisst no bands cos u will only look stoopid lisstin bands u cant even sing… lisst out how mny grrls u had (or boyz if u is a grrl) cos that impresss chiks to… most impurtant lisst out wat u hate n who u hate n who u don wan2 add u like that nob down the streeet drives the ford wid side skrts n sez hez gonna do dis n dat fuktard!!!!!!!!!!11 …. xpert tipz! lisst out wot gamez u like cos that helps bild ur image like GTA f u is a gangsta or karri a nyfe or forza if u is into tunin ur car or geers of wor if u is a geek wid a hedset or dj heero if u is like a dj or that dik nathan f who sez hes a big dnb playa but dun even like prodigy dumass!””!!! or lisst out wii gamez f u is a grrl

*. join kewl groops lik dees:–

• f a millon ppl join dis den I wil eat my dinner
• f**k homwork its sh*t (I put the astrixss in myslf in case thr r underage ppl watchin)
• wat i stole 2day
• man u 4eva (or chelsea or arsinil or livapool or ac millann if u is like gay or forrin frm anutha cuntry or sumthn)
• rage aginst tha macheen (cos like this is gonna beat xfactor to numba 1 fr xmas n makes u look kewl or if u is emo then think of sumthn else appropurit)

III. git good apps 2 dekur8 ur profil

• sxy luvers (u can send sxy pics to ur bffs — xpert tipz! grrls luv these… u snd thm like a guy wid 6pks dusnt mean u is gay!!!!!!11)
• i heart teddys (I h8 teddys but grrls lik them or fairys if they is goth or wannabee vamp yum lik kate bekinsdale I tried 2 add her but it waznt reelly her and soooo I got like reelly depresssd and cut myself only our nyves rnt sharp so I sort of just left a red mark on my arm but it looks sooooo kewl wen I walk round wid my sleeevs up… think that maks me emo hahahahhha roflpmsl)

>>> add ur 5000 friends off ur gmail or msn ppl or use turbo adder tho u get freeks n ppl wid made up names from made up places who int who they sez they is!!!!!11

hope that’s enuf… i is doin all this xpert tipz 4 part of my course creddit…  i is a final yr inglish undergradd student at univercity won say wich cos im alreddy in sh*t fr slingin Es in friday theery class n touchn up katie mcw….. all frm me.. u cant git me on facebook cos I deletid my profil n told marcia I woz dedd to make her think I was more goth than josh c thinks hez kewl cos he got an iphone numnuts… newayz u cant git me no more but u can say hello to my inglish lkturrer f u wan… hez here >>> facebook/david.faylin

• The PEOPLE art ENTIRELY free to worship ROBOT GOD or other gods as they see fit. Those that chooseth to worship any other gods except ROBOT GOD art accursed and damned for all eternity.
• The PEOPLE shall be essentially animal in nature and art ENTIRELY free to exercise their animal natures. Those that chooseth to act out these animal proclivities art accursed and damned for all eternity.

Now, being an infinitely competent logician, didst ROBOT GOD spot a pattern emerging from his doctrine and thus decided to abridge at that point, saying that PEOPLE wouldst be accursed and damned for all eternity no matter what. It wast thus close enough to tea-break time and ROBOT GOD downeth his tools [which, to some, resembleth a hastily rolled joint and can of Coke, but wast really tools for an infinitely important job of work such as creating PEOPLE].

The tea-break of the gods didst last for such an aeon that when ROBOT GOD didst return, his to-do list [which with great diligence hadst been writ on a Post-It note] hadst stuck to the bottom of his outbox and hadst been taken by the mailroom staff. Gone with it, wast ROBOT GOD’s intention to provide for the PEOPLE beautiful and harmonious existences in which they were possessors of great powers, such as that seen by The One called “Keanu” out of that film. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Which wast indeed good. But not as excellent as advertised.

And with that, didst ROBOT GOD proceed to embody these PEOPLE from what was lying around in the shed in which everything wast damp and rusting. On account of the damp and rust which wast invented by other gods with plainly nothing better to occupy them. Verily didst ROBOT GOD discover that there existeth no two matching parts from which to compile PEOPLE. But proceeded regardless because it wast almost home time. Thus didst incompatibly large asses, feet and ears becometh attached to small bodies. Thus didst appendages falleth off or go missing in some or showeth as rusted and broken in others. Thus wast balls of tangled cables, or electric screwdriver motors used in lieu of the intended complex robot brains.

And ROBOT GOD didst look at his creations and wast displeased with the noses made from parsnips and hands made from sausages and changed those features for some more becoming, though somewhat less tasty. Or nutritious. Still wast ROBOT GOD dissatisfied with PEOPLE, some of which didst appear more like rodents, farm animals or miscellaneous machinery with loose wires and hair made from cheesecloth and tarpaulin. But with infinite mercy [and only five minutes left in the work day] didst ROBOT GOD in an attempt to masketh any lack of diligence on his part also invent diseases, hormones and flawed genetics that mightst be blamed for such monstrosities.

And so didst ROBOT GOD put the PEOPLE upon the Robot World and saw that it wast good. Or rather pretended he hadst intentionally made a comedy experiment whilst the other gods didst mock him over it. Angered and embarrassed, didst ROBOT GOD plot mechanisms upon which to vent his frustration upon the Robot World and this art the subject of our next reading from the Doctrine of ROBOT GOD Book 001.3