Hot-For-Jesus Former Fundie

JESUS WARS: Fought so Anthony Bogdan Could Have a Modeling Career

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Tue, 05 Aug 2014 04:19:00 +0000

To balance out James Dobson’s Fatherless novel, I’m also reading the “Jesus Wars” by Philip Jenkins.

"Jesus Wars" is mainly about Fifth Century Christian Church drama regarding who decided what about the extent of Jesus’ divinity and humanity (the “Christology”) – which means it is also about all the people who were labelled heretical with the accompanying coercion, punishment, and torture that helped the heretics join the cool kids club or die.

Without the “Jesus Wars” this blog wouldn’t exist – particularly the “eye-candy” portion of this blog.

From Anthony Bogdan's Instragram Account.

How so?

Oversimplifaction:

Some Christians believed that Jesus was Entirely Divine AND Entirely Human. Other Christians believed Jesus was Totally Divine (with barely any smidgen of Human depending on the sect).

BUT if Jesus was All God and no man – then the Resurrection was just a magic trick. So in order for Jesus’ resurrection to not be a magic trick and instead a true miracle – he had to be 100%Human AND 100%Divine. Much verbal abuse, fisticuffs, murder and fate helped the official “Perfect God and Perfect Man” decision win.

So – this means that the Resurrection was not a Magic Trick because Jesus was a huMan – AND Totally Divine.

How does this affect this blog?

If Jesus were 100%God/Divine, mere humans would not have been allowed to portray him in art. In the religions sharing the same library shelf with Christianity, portrayals of the Prophets and G-d are forbidden. Christianty considered going this route.

BUT because Jesus was also Totally a 100%Stud/Man… the depiction of Jesus became a free-for-all – good for church propaganda/marketing and good for the artist/hipster community.

Anthony Bogdan's Easter pic - found both on Instagram and Tumblr

And easy on my eyes.

Keep in mind that all the sects that Believed/Knew that Jesus was 100% human, or any version there-of, were pretty much out of the Big Picture by the 5^th Century – but at some point they had stood as much of a fighting chance as any other sect.

And YES – Christians believe what Christians believe because Christians killed, coerced, and bullied other Christians into believing what they believed. According to Phillip Jenkins – the only thing keeping Christians from slitting each other’s throats these days is the political climate. The state keeps religion in check. When the state doesn’t exist, or crumbles, religion gets to do whatever it wants to do to whomever it wants – basically gang/mafia warfare.

Thankfully – the state is keeping much, not all, of Christianity in check these days.

Thankfully – the Fourth Session of the Second Council of Nicea (787) means I can post whatever pics I want to of Jesus.

Yes. Srsly. The only thing I don't like about this pic is the shade of the lipstick. Less orange - more plummy would be more suitable for Anthony. On both Instagram and Tumblr.

From Jenkins’ Appendix to Chapter 1 (it’s Really Nice to have the Appendix physically placed directly after each chapter… LOVE IT!):

“From the 720s, the Byzantine Empire split violently over the question of icons and images, with some activists arguing that such pictures should be prohibited as idolatrous. The Second Council of Nicea declared that such images were legitimate, provided they were venerated as opposed to being worshipped in their own right.” (37)

Oooops!

Now you can see why those activists didn’t want pics of Jesus: people like me, to a much milder degree.

That anti-art/icon part of Christianity still exists. Very much so. I mentioned it at the beginning. I barely had any exposure to visual Jesus art until – well – until I started backsliding (liberal Christianity) and deconverted.

Like Jesus, Anthony trims his own beard. From Anthony's Instragram

This may also suggest that certain evangelical, fundamentalist Christian sects believe that Jesus is More Divine than what many liberal denominations believe.

This is definitely true in that fundagelicals abhor Christians who view Jesus as Just a Good Guy – and/or Divinely Inspired – even when these Christians also believe that he was somewhat Divine. Liberal Christians just don’t believe that Jesus was Divine Enough.

Hence – walk into any Conservative Christian Church andyou will probably see only the following:

An EMPTY Wooden Cross (He Is Risen)
An altar that says “In Remembrance…”
The Christian Flag
The American Flag
No Jesus Visage What-So-Ever - unless the church secretary lets a black and white ink sketch of Jesus creep into the bulletin now and then.

In fact my very First Bible, before the one I brought to kindergarten show-and-tell, a gift, was semi-confiscated because:

#1. It wasn’t the Best translation.

#2. There were pics of Jesus in and on it.

New American Standard Jesus

My parents never wanted us to think that Jesus was a blonde haired, blue-eyed, long haired, handsome bearded dude. They never condoned the school of thought that Jesus was caucasian and in general found all white-washed pictures of him in books to be Very Troublesome. They eschewed all forms of idolatry. This explains why I kept my Johnny Depp poster hidden in my school locker.

But here we are. I've shucked off the need to care that some Christians find ALL pictures of Jesus blasphemous. I will forever double-take and swivel-head men who live up to my many preferences of what Hot Jesus looks like.

This is my black cat getting between Jesus and me. Get thee behind me, Satan!

Overdue and Forthcoming: Conchita deserves her own HotForJesus post.

I am working on crediting all pics that are not taken by Anthony. If any/all the pics disappear from this blog post, it is because some sort of cease&desist has been issued.

"FATHERLESS" PREFACE - CHAPTER TWO: Freud, Wombs as Dollar Signs, and More NudgeNudgeWinkWink Dog Whistles

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Sun, 27 Jul 2014 19:01:00 +0000

PREFACE:

The very first scene in James Dobson’s novel FATHERLESS involves a young man, Antonio Santos, being required to strip naked in front of an indifferent woman who reminds him of his mother.

(I am not a Freudian expert. This book makes me wish I was. I wonder if Dobson, with his 1960s PhD in Psychology, has just been waiting to fill a Christian book full of Freudian slips and symbolism.)

We discover Antonio, just 18, in the year 2041, deciding to euthanize himself for the better good – because he was not physically well (we haven't yet discovered what his specific ailment is) AND a second child – not a good combo in 2041. Antonio doesn’t want to be a burden on society and has taken the now legal way out of self-imposed euthanasia, or a “transition”, with the help of a bored nurse who doesn’t seem to care that much about him – much like his mother.

Right as he recieves the lethal dose, his mother bursts into the “transition clinic” room, and by a freak accident is fatally injured and dies attempting to stop him from euthanizing himself. Antonio slowly dies with the knowledge that maybe his mom wasn’t a cold-hearted bitch after all.

CHAPTER ONE:

We meet our main squeeze woman protagonist, Julia Davidson, who is a 2041 version of a successful journalist who is being forced to prove herself again to her chauvinist-lite male boss, Paul. (He likes to call her "Jewel".)

In a ‘scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours’ career move, Paul coerces her to write a piece on the suicide/accidental death of the son/mother. Antonio signed up to be euthanized a few days BEFORE he turned 18 which made his death illegal. Antonio’s older brother, Jeremy, is suing the pants off the clinic who killed Antonio. Julia promises to contact the surviving brother and pursue a piece on the lawsuit.

First wink of the book comes from her boss. Chapter ends with her being privately appreciative of the male gaze by a total stranger.

You have No Idea how long and hard I searched to find a bearded man winking that was NOT Buddy Christ. Blogging is Hard Work!

CHAPTER TWO:

We meet Kevin Tolbert as he talks on the phone to his lifelong friend, Troy. Both Troy and Kevin are powerful men in the 2041 circles of Washington, DC. Much description is dedicated to how fond they are of each other since Troy first gave Kevin a playful “head rubbing”* in middle school. It was their favorite way of showing affection – as long as no one is watching.

Kevin “a handsome thirty-six years” blond is now an up-and-coming congressman and Troy a chief of Staff. Kevin is married with three children.

This chapter is actually not about how great buddies Troy and Kevin are, though there is a lot of mutual fondness, male friendship, described within. Troy gives Kevin the heads up about the suicide/accidental death and we get the impression they are working on Something Important behind the scenes of this scenario.

But Kevin is pulled away by the 2041 Western State Caucus meeting which is currently headed by Congresswoman Nicole Florea – who is not impressed with Kevin, OR his winks (2^nd wink of book – “one of many small habits that made Kevin easy to like.” Barf).

Florea is - well Dobson describes her as a bitch without using those words. She obviously feels threatened by Kevin: “Kevin’s youth and independence made her uneasy.”

(AHWHOOOOGAH! AHWHOOOGAH! MISANDRY ALERT!!!!)

This meeting is about sharing confidential information from the 2040 Census – that lets everyone know that everyone is screwed much more than previously expected. The population is aging and there are not enough workers to take care of all the old people… nor enough money to use as an incentive to make people have kids.

Doom and gloom.

But then Senator Franklin, much like “the legendarily upbeat Ronald Reagan” enters the room and gives all the people a pep talk. The chapter ends with Nicole Florea fuming at Kevin who is texting Troy how Franklin is saving the day.

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

A. I’m going to keep a Wink Tally for this book. It may seem minor – as a woman I witness men wink ALL THE FUCKING TIME – to cover their ass, to flirt, to smooth things over passive-aggressively, to demean. For better or worse, winking is on my radar as more-often-than-not sexist behavior.

B. I have a bone to pick with men sci-fi writers, which now includes Dobson, who fail to imagine universes, especially future universes, where women are not treated any differently than they are now.

B. Part2. The bad news from the 2040 Census is really about dollar signs. Children = Money. Women Produce Children which equals Money. Or in this case: Women are NOT producing Children which equals Lack of Money and the Whole World is Suffering because of the Selfishness of Women.

Getting ahead of myself – but that could be a good subtitle: Fatherless: The World Is Screwed Because Women are Too Selfish to Produce Kids.

C. Ronald Reagan?! Come on, Dobson. This is 2041.

D. The first chapters reveal Julia to be a “past my prime thirty-four”-year-old-sometimes-sexually-active-unmarried woman. This is important to note. Dobson has no respect for that crowd. He also has a theory about that crowd/women – something about her lack of a Father. Tune-In.

E. From the Preface through Chapter Two Dobson gives a demeaning hat-tip to an upsurge in Latino Evangelicals. He can’t deny where there is growth there in the fundagelical circles, but he #1 – Kills off mother/son duo with last name of Santos in Preface; #2 – Creates a woman by name of “Monica Garcia” to be main rival of white woman journalist in Chapter Two; #3 – Goes out of his way to describe how the most awesome man to grace the pages so far is blond with Germanic last name origins (Tolbert) in Chapter Three whose main adversary so far is a powerful woman with the last name of Florea – which either could be a swipe at communism (if he intended it to be of Romanian descent) – or version of Flores.

F. Dobson is blond. I’ve yet to decide if I think this book is a thinly-veiled autobiography for Dobson. I’m not ready to embrace that theory rumbling around in my head but the way he so ardently describes the powerful Washington circles and male friendship, I will look closer into his own 1960s-1980s Washington dabbling.

G. Euthanasia? We have plenty of time to go into the ReligiousRight fear-mongering of 'death panels'. It is a central part of this book.

_________________

Do I read too much into this by pointing out names, hints of Freudian phallic-worship/fears, color of hair, putting #WomenAgainstFeminism thoughts in the heads of unmarried, childless characters?

Ahhh. Nope.

From my experience, Christians rely on symbolism, allegory, morality tales like no other. It made my English Lit classes too easy. Thankfully I haven’t taken to attempting to "interpret" the initials of the character names he has used so far.

Next blog post will cover the next two chapters. Smaller bites are needed for you to be able to digest the beauty of this masterpiece. We have all the time in the world. Hope you’re along for the ride.

*"head rubbing" - Jesus, Dobson. You make this TOO Easy.

Who are your favorite Christian Fiction authors and titles?

MAGIC IS ALIVE: Buffy and Leonard Save the Day

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Mon, 21 Jul 2014 01:30:00 +0000

"Old friend, you may kneel as you read this, for now I come to the sweet burden of my argument. I did not know what I had to tell you, but now I am sure. All my speeches were preface to this, all my exercises but a clearing of my throat. I confess I tortured you but only to draw your attention to this. I confess I betrayed you but only to tap your shoulder. In our kisses and sucks, this, ancient darling, I meant to whisper." - Leonard Cohen - "Beautiful Losers" paragraph prefacing passage below turned to music by Buffy Saint-Marie.
This song, God is Alive, Magic is Afoot, was one of my favorites back in college - and Buffy Sainte-Marie was/is one of my favorite singer-songwriter musicians. The same college roommate who introduced me to Cat Stevens introduced me to Buffy. This roommate also took me to see Buffy live in the early 2000s - one of the few live concert moments for which I will be eternally grateful.

The song lyrics came to mind as I was thinking out loud on Twitter while reading Phillip Jenkins' 2010 book "Jesus Wars: How Four Patriarchs, Three Queens, and Two Emperors Decided What Christians Would Believe for the Next 1,500 Years."

(a subtitle after my own heart)

Leonard Cohen has inspired much of my writing and artistic desires... so much so that I use his lyrics as my username all over the web. I loved his novel "Beautiful Losers" which I read soon after dumping Jesus. Cohen is a 20th Century mystic - if I may say so - and many other wonderful sensual things - but he has always spoken to the mystic in me the way other poets don't.

To discover the lyrics of the Buffy song in Cohen's prosed poetry book - was - Delicious.

So now - I'm triple fisting, juggling, balancing, dropping, stopping and starting back up again three books that create a trifecta of Christian patriarchy, doctrine, myth, and intrigue:

I could not have planned this trifecta if I had tried.

"This I mean to whisper to my mind. This I mean to laugh with in my mind. This I mean my mind to serve till service is but Magic moving throught the world, and mind itself is Magic coursing through the flesh, and flesh itself is Magic dancing on a clock, and time itself the Magic Length of G-d."

DOBSON'S AUTHOR'S NOTE: Spiritual Warfare and Dog Whistles

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Fri, 18 Jul 2014 04:57:00 +0000

Since FATHERLESS (2013) is co-written with Kurt Bruner, the “Author’s Note” may be the ONLY thing James Dobson actually wrote by himself. But let’s not quibble about the true authorship of a Book (ahem).

I wish I could quote the entire thing and observe the unhinging of jaw to the floor.

Or hear your laugh.

“A happy home is the highest expression of God’s image on earth. And there are forces working to destroy that image, not all of them visible to human eyes. Marriage and parenthood echo heaven, something hell can’t abide.”

In a page and a half, Dobson mentions those invisible forces five times.

“…forces working to destroy that image, not all of them visible to human eyes."
“…unwittingly confronting forces much darker than I knew.
“I don’t pretend to comprehend what occurs in the unseen realm”
“…what C.S. Lewis called ‘enemy-occupied territory’”
“…the most ardent forces of hell…”

Spiritual warfare is exhausting. For now – that’s all you need to know.

Ron Dicianni's "Spiritual Warfare"

Also - Dobson operates at ExpertLevel when cloaking racist, sexist code in dog-whistle terminology. An example:

“What happens in a world where growing up with the protective love of a father becomes the exception rather than the norm? Today’s inner-city poverty and violence give us a foretaste of how deeply and widely those ripples will extend.”

The above excerpt

Number 1. Offers up some fighting words assumptions about inner-city life. Dobson only wants to believe what works for his oversimplified ChristianGOP racist and sexist fantasies.

Number 2. Attempts to remove Dobson’s privileged white ass off the hook for any shock-waves of institutionalized racism he actively participates in – and teaches other Americans to actively participate in. It’s all about the lack of fathers in the inner city – nothing to do with generations of past and present American racism.

Next he describes how the world’s population has been falling because the family structure is failing and things will get as bad as the Black Plague – and the repercussions will be Catastrophic.

Hypocrite Alert: Dobson is worried about the world population. He spawned two children. His coauthor spawned four children. Add that up and it is still less than the number of children my parents had.

I grew up on Dystopian porn – it’s what I call the Book of Revelation and End Times Death Cults. People go about their daily life – loving, laughing, ‘living for Christ’ – and waiting, waiting, waiting AND HOPING AND PRAYING for it all to come to an end any minute, any day.

In a nutshell, the premise for 3 entire novels: Not enough (white) children (with permanently married hetero parents) are being born which will cause a world-wide meltdown of the 1950s way of life.

Bright side? He has set the time of this book twenty+ years into the future – which suggests Christ hasn’t returned yet. Though fundagelicals love to write EndTimes porn (Thief in the Night/Left Behind, et al.) – this novel is set PRE PreTribulation Rapture.

We’ve Got TIME on our hands to Fix This Mess! Thank goodness Dobson is warning us!!

Some might not think Dobson is still relevant. For me - he’s very relevant.

Here’s where my own ‘prophetic’ warning comes in: James Dobson brainwashed generations of parents and children who are now parents and grandparents. It will be quite some time before we exorcise him out of our system - but exorcise him we must…

At the very least – I must exorcise him from myself.

______
Upcoming FATHERLESS post will cover Chapts 1-5.

INTRODUCING "FATHERLESS": James Dobson of Focus on the Phallic Strikes Again!

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Sun, 13 Jul 2014 02:50:00 +0000

James Dobson. Many of you have heard of him. Many of you have listened to him. Many of you are indifferent to him.

I am the exact opposite of indifferent to James Dobson. In fact - my bias Against James Dobson is so strong - well - that's why we're here today.

Lucky you. Lucky him - invoking such a strong response from someone like me. I bet that makes him feel special and condescendingly sorry for me at the same time (read: he'd probably send 'prayer warriors' after me).

While innocently shelving new fiction at my library, I came across the third book in a series, GODLESS, (2014) which he co-wrote with Kurt Bruner.

So eager was I to read his scathing fictionalized opinion about American life – The Man directly and indirectly responsible for more conservative Christian bullshit in the home, in the schools, in the church and in YOUR town hall than than ______ (insert your own worst ReligiousRight/GOP Mortal Enemy) – that I almost started reading the 3rd book instead of waiting patiently for the 1st.

But one thing I learned while being a Christian was to Wait. Good things come to those who wait and do things in the order God intended. So, in honor of the good things I learned from Christianity – I ordered the First book in the series and waited Patiently for it to arrive at my library.

I didn’t have to wait long.

There was no waiting list and all the copies in the system were checked in. Dobson would point to the lack of popularity of his novels as proof that America has hardened its heart to God’s/James Dobson’s Word.

These are my notes on the first Dobson novel, FATHERLESS, originally published in January 2013.

Blue - because Fathers are "boys".

I do this – because I have a masochistic side – and I also have a scream-into-the-void side – and now and then I like to pretend that America is eager to become more self-aware of the Men in control.

Quite often the dedication of a book – the one or two sentences or words in italics right after the title page – stop me in my tracks and tells me more about the author than I’ll find in the following 200 pages.

Dedications can be breath-taking. This one was for me. I slammed the book shut and tossed it far away from me – knowing I’d go back like a dog to its vomit.

“In memory of the late Chuck Colson, who foresaw and warned about the ominous trends depicted in this book.”

TMI

Chuck Colson. What a mess. He gets thrown in prison because of Nixon, finds Jesus, writes about it, starts a prison ministry, becomes the poster boy for the Born-Again movement of the 1970s-1980s, convinces the Evangelicals and Catholics to play nice with each other – among other things (cough*Prop 8*ahem) – a down-right fundagelical mess.

Ooops. Did I write “mess”?! Substitute GOD for where I wrote “mess.”

It is NOT lost on me, nor should be lost on you, that Dobson chose to dedicate these works of fiction to Colson – not Christ – not YHWH – Not his god-damned wife. No. Chuck fucking Colson.

I don’t have time right now to school you on Colson. He’s a weasel.

Colson and Dobson and Billy Graham and Johnny Cash and Falwell and yadadayayyerdad brought more people to Jesus in Born-Again waves with their EndTimes chatter than – well – Jesus.

(hold on – checking to see how much I’ve written – and only as far as the 1 sentence dedication….)

After consulting my more patient self… I will continue writing, but the next part deserves a separate blog post… so digest what you can of the above. Tell your cool friends that some Seriously Pissed exChristian NonJesus secular FEMINIST woman is blogging an ongoing series about the Patriarch of Us All: Dr. James Dobson.

Much like the Bible and the Constitution – me writing about Dobson covers ALL sins. Tune In.

I leave you with this.
A song about patience I sang once upon a time.

O Rest in the Lord – Wait patiently for Him, and He shall Give thee thy heart's desires... (Mendelssohn)

meh

RANT. plain & simple

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Wed, 09 Jul 2014 02:09:00 +0000

This Sums up the Entire Post in case you want to skip it.

I’m of the Very Strong Opinion these days that all those who identify as Christian in America should cloister themselves off and get their story straight… or attempt to approach cohesiveness.

This will do everyone a favor. Those from both sides (and the middle) who scream and holler #NotAllChristians and/or #NotRealChristians and even #SorelyMisquidedChristians will have a much clearer game plan when the Supreme Court or other public figures throw a curve ball and quote/”misquote” scripture or embarrassingly identify as Christian.

While they’re cloistered off, the rest of America will enjoy a minute or two of respite, a refreshing beverage of our choice and eagerly await their return and the final verdict on what the Bible (and the gnostic texts) REALLY says about race, sexism, patriarchy, misogyny, modesty, homophobia, xenophobia, socialism, gender, freedom, wearing slacks, liberty, capitol punishment, divorce, revolution, anti-Semitism, Manifest Destiny, colonialism, guns, idolatry, domestic violence, genocide, slavery, salvation, Disney, heaven, hell, sin, vegetarianism, alcohol, swearing, dancing and condoms.

I’m just asking for a little more cohesiveness – just a touch – just enough to shave the edges off. I’m also asking that they fully admit to and NAME their leaders, their pastors, their theologians, their saints, their Humans and anyone/any Thing among them from whom they derive their ideas regarding Christianity… right down to the faith of their fathers and mothers.

This includes everything from naming the Pope as Influencer In Chief to the Christians who refuse to call themselves “Christian” because it has a such a bad reputation.

They all are getting their ideas from somewhere. If these ideas have independently sprung into their heads with or without the help of Holy Scripture, with or without the help of the Holy Spirit - I want to know.

Why? Because the choices I and many other Americans have before us are Directly Influenced by WHO Christians follow, worship, disciple, serve under.

WHO is their local pastor – WHERE did HE (99% of the time) go to seminary – or NOT go to seminary? Which AA groups pray to God as a He and not a She? Which friend dragged them to which youth group at what age of which denomination in which state?

I think it is utterly reasonable to request Christians who claim other Christians aren’t real Christians, good Christians, Of the Holy Spirit Christians or “unChristlike” to expressly name WHY they don’t believe what the Catholic men on the Supreme believe to be as okee dokee.

WHY??! – because your Lutheran mom said abortion and birth control is her choice or because Dietrich Bonhoeffer/Martin Niemoller is your hero!? Guess what! – this other dude’s Lutheran mom started the ProLife group in town and he also believes Bonhoeffer/Niemoller is calling Americans to take up arms against Obama/AntiChrist.

Work with me.

One of the most shocking things I discovered as I moved from Right to Left within Christianity was that BOTH sides are EXTREMELY good at dissing the Other side…. AND the cursed MilqueToastMiddle.

It kind of made me roll my eyes.
It still makes me roll my eyes.
They might get stuck in the back of my head one of these days.

The liberal left cries for diversity of opinion – it’s ALL Good – though they ‘wouldn’t necessarily go about it Like THAT… Ewwww!’ often tapering off into, "I can't judge. Only God can judge."

The conservative right cries for ‘Truth’ – and adherence to God written/HolyGhost inspired scripture – and questions or denies the salvation of anyone outside their immediate circle – with the occasional “but only God can know the heart” caveat.

Well guess what kids – I have a great deal of respect for Christians who take the Bible “literally” (however the fuck you want to interpret the word "literally" is an entire theological discussion in and of itself) because they’re not fucking around – and they're not falling over themselves to placate to anyone’s opinion regardless of how abusive and uncivilized it might be.

Frankly – much like the Honey Badger (sorry – so 2010) – they don’t give a shit how nasty they are as long as they are saved and the people that matter to them are saved too.

Meanwhile, back in Minnesota Garrison Keillor Let’s-All-Play-Nice Land – liberal Christians are in virtual denial of the rest of the country – and definitely in denial of the beliefs of the majority of people who don’t live within the Minneapolis city limits.

It’s as much to do with agrarian culture versus the industrial revolution as anything (among many other Necessary Big Changes)– but Christians of all walks of life are freaking out at both sides of the spectrum with “HOW COULD A TRUE CHRISTIAN BELIEVE THAT OR VOTE FOR THAT PERSON OR SAY THAT OR INTERPRET SCRIPTURE LIKE THAT” or or or and and and

I’m all about going into great detail of how I got to where I am now. This blog is all about naming names and telling my story. I’d like just an itsy bitsy teeny weeny smidgen of more SELF-AWARENESS among Believers.

It is my hope that maybe, just Maybe one Christian will quit playing this ‘he said/HE said/maybe She said’ game… for their own good – and for ‘merica.

No - fuck America. Do it for yourself.

Beyond that bizarrely wishful thinking fantasy, I’m not asking that Christians give up their faith. I’d never ask that. I don’t operate that way. It doesn’t work that way. I’m just asking them to get their shit together, their ducks in a row, their story straight before they ever, Ever, EVER again are tempted to say anything remotely resembling “so and so is not a real/good/correctly-interpreting-scripture Christian”… et al. etc.

Name NAMES. Take me to your fucking Leader. Claim Your Own!

In an effort to continue to name names – I’ll be reading and blogging about Dr. James Dobson’s, of Focus on the Phallic fame, three novel series. I’ve made it as far as the dust jacket blurb of FATHERLESS and the pre-intro one sentence dedication and am already spitting tacks… a preview of which I’ve given above.

Considering how excessively triggering and traumatizing I find the mere mention of All American Hero James Dobson - think of this as my Christmas in July present to you.

End Rant.

STEVE MARTIN: Taking Your Burden and Cleansing It Since Roe v. Wade

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Mon, 07 Jul 2014 15:38:00 +0000

After the Town of Greece v. Galloway Supreme Court decision and the McCullen v. Coakley (buffer zone) decision – and finally the Burwell v. Hobby Lobby decision, I've had the urge to say Something.

I’ve actually been saying A LOT over on Twitter. You’re welcome to go take a peek at what goes on in this introvert’s brain.

I could go into great depth about separation of church/state and the shocking realization that now that copper (IUD) is officially an abortifacient, that Christians everywhere are throwing baby killers (sperm now equals babies, fyi) into the offering plate at church.

But then, I happened upon a Steve Martin sketch from the 1970s. This Evangelist Dry Cleaner sketch sums up what we are to expect in the future as we enter Christian businesses – but with less impressive taste in loud plaid polyester suits.

Yes - I have deep thoughts about Establishment Clause v. Free Exercise Clause - but right now I need to wallow in the absurd. Enjoy.

While looking for this skit online - I discoverd that Steve Martin did a much more "realistic" portrayal of evanglists in Leap of Faith - a film I'll watch someday when I'm feeling particularily masochistic.

PUSHING MY JESUS BUTTONS: Long-Haired & Bearded is the 2014 New Direction in Men's Grooming

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Mon, 27 Jan 2014 20:04:00 +0000

Bigger & Better Beards are Everywhere now... so mainstream that they are only newsworthy if they are worn by billionaires who think of themselves as Old Testament Prophets who spout outdated racist, homophobic and sexist comments and totally get by with it... because, I don't know... their ZZ Top beards?

I've never been a fan of the ZZ Top beards, or beards that have to be moved out of the way to find the mouth... but if I've learned anything about beards, it's that men really don't give a crap about what women think about their beards... or less so than women have been conditioned to care about what men think about their hair/grooming practices.

I'd like to highlight a male grooming trend that deserves to be encouraged in 2014. It directly relates to relevant things like the Bible, Jesus and Pushing My Lust Buttons.

Long-Haired Men (or Jesus Look-Alikes with beards of any length):
*Please send me additional information about the men in these pictures such as names or where they hang out. The original 2013 Mens Hairstyles site doesn't give out identifying info... just nameless pretty faces.

Specimen #1

No Caption Necessary Hipster Jesus

This guy.

Specimen #2

Skeptical Jesus

Also newsworthy, with slightly fewer clothes.

Specimen #3

Zippers Are A Girl's Best Friend Jesus

Okay. I guess so... but only because you insist! Yes. Please!

Specimen #4

Chest Hair Jesus

O Jesus.

Specimen #5

Leaning In to Make a Deep Point Jesus

Holy. Holy. Holy!

Specimen #6

Life is SO HARD Jesus

Jesus wept.
Found on Pinterest... too many bearded long-haired men to post here!

Moral of Story? If your hair is long enough to pull back into a messy-knotted pony tail... you're ahead of the curve. If it isn't... RIGHT NOW is a good time to start growing your hair out, not just your beard.

Samson definitely did it. I like to think Jesus did it too. And here's the song that accompanies all of these.

Specimen #7

(My favorite recording of this song...)

"She tied you to her kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah."

Thank You, Leonard!

And Thank You, Jeff... who knew long hair on guys was cool way before we did.

THIS ONE IS FOR MARY & ALL THOSE WHO LOVE HER: Rape Culture and the Christmas Story

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Thu, 19 Dec 2013 04:58:00 +0000

Exhibit A. 1 in 200 American pregnancies are described by the pregnant girl/woman as virgin conceptions (no vaginal intercourse). Many of these who describe themselves as virgins, though pregnant, come from the chastity, save-yourself-for-marriage circles.

Exhibit B. 73% of Americans believe in the Virgin Birth, that "Jesus was born of a virgin" …that Mary was a virgin when she conceived Jesus, and gave birth… as a virgin. Source: Pew Research: Celebrating Christmas and the Holidays...

For the record, this is the year 2013.

Before you accuse me of ignorant, unempathetic atheism, please read the following HotForJesus posts about Christmas. I can lather on the sentimental poetic prose until you’re up to your neck in a frothy, lightly sweetened meringue of sloppy, soul-clutching Christmas Spirit-uality.

Let me get my torch...

SPEAKING WORDS OF WISDOM: There’s Something About Mary > The Original pre-HotForJesus blog essay… a piece that pushed me past the syrupy sticky mess of bittersweet Christianity to the point of absolute honesty. Lots of former fundagelical women gravitate to catholicism and the gnostic gospels. My theory is Mary… my goddess before Jesus was forced on me.

Here & Here: Christmas Music to End All Christmas Music. Part 1 & II: I give a small sample of how utterly immersed in the Christmas message and music I used to be. I’ve sang in enough mind-blowing Christmas scenarios to make your Christmas music collection look and sound like … like… the noise a Christmas goose makes before you kill it.

Santa's Little Helper & Jesus' Lamb Duke It Out: I’ve been towing the Jesus is the Reason for the Season line, and making little girls cry about it, before the phrase “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” existed on coffee mugs. Santa is not real. Anyone who tells you otherwise is Lying.

Here I bemoan, with the help of Banksy, the commercialization of Christmas.

And here I celebrate the Real Reason for the Season… My Birthday: End of the World & Winter Solstice.

Call me bitter, call me mean-spirited… but believe me, I have played the Christian Christmas schtick to The Hilt.

Which means its time I quit being so nice about how Christmas celebrates the brainwashing and rape of a 12 year old girl.

Please, Do Not come to me with anything resembling the following complaints and excuses:

"Rape culture" should be left out of discussions about deeply held religious beliefs regarding Christmas. Everyone’s beliefs deserve respect.
“I’m sorry you feel this way, but Jesus was a feminist.”
Keep these thoughts to yourself. No one wants to hear them. There’s nothing wrong with teaching young girls and boys that consent applies to all sexual situations except the "immaculate conception" Virgin Mary story.
Marriage and age meant different things 2046 years ago!

The year is 2013. Apparently the majority of the USA believes Mary, mother of Jesus, was a virgin… impregnated by God/HolySpirit/WhatHaveYou.

My 2013 No-Brainer Complaint: This impregnation was Not immaculate conception and it was NOT consensual.

I know nothing I say can/will change the mind of a person immersed in such deep patriarchal bull-meringue that they cannot see behind the Virgin birth is a story about the possible rape of a young girl… that Mary’s rape gives the GOP the right to tell "legitimately raped" young women, never mind the ones who are raped who explain their pregnancies as immaculate conceptions, that abortion is wrong in all cases of rape… because otherwise… would we have Jesus!?

The Gospel of Luke reads like a fairy tale. Every good Evangelical Fundamentalist Christian home reads this story before opening Christmas presents... or at least mine did. Sometimes we even worked in the resurrection story (which is more accurate. Christmas/birth and Easter/resurrection of light should be swapped.)

Luke tells a fantastic tale of an angel of the lord who scares the crap out of a young tweenager then mansplains to her that she is going to be impregnated by his Boss. (Luke 1: 26-38)

Mary’s “Behold, the handmaid of the Lord” is NOT consent. 12 year old girls do not, CANNOT, give consent to being forced into motherhood by All-Powerful Male Gods. Dirty old men and entitled dudebros know which women/girls won’t fight back, which ones will break more easily than others, which ones will bend over backwards to please the patriarch.

If Mary had said, “Cool. Let me think about this and I’ll get back to you.”

Or if Mary had used the chastity line, “Sorry. I’m saving myself for marriage.”

Or said “Fuck off”… there would be No Greatest Story Ever Told.

But Mary “behaved” just as God knew she would. She did as she was told. There was no discussion. This is not Free Will. This is not Immaculate Conception. It's abusive male power using young women to meet their "needs" and not thinking twice about it. Do you think twice about it?

I don't know about you, but I want NO Part in a belief system that expressly celebrates a 12-13 year old female body being used as a vessel, given as a "gift" to an All-Powerful Male God so he can give the world a human sacrifice.

Stop! and Look!

Look at the story at the root of Christmas and Christianity. It teaches little girls to be complacent, compliant, to feel honored by inappropriate attentions of older, more powerful men… to give their body as vessels for something greater than themselves and allow themselves to become invisible beyond their roles as mothers and wombs for little male gods.

It teaches boys that the bodies of women and girls are for their bidding for the creation of little Mini-Mes, with which they will conquer the world, … and all for the Glory of God.

Nope. Sorry. I’ve crossed that line.

I understand the need to celebrate light in the darkness. I understand the strong, strong pull of bittersweet sentiment and tradition.

I no longer understand how in any shape or form, in the year 2013 and beyond, we can celebrate the coerced impregnation of a young girl.

And this coming from a person who used to make people cry when singing "Ave Maria" and Handel's "Messiah".

So... remind me Why are we celebrating the forced pregnancy of a child... the rape of a barely teenage girl? Why?

I've run out of reasons why this a good idea... and I'm pretty sure I've heard them all.

These kind of posts is how I make friends :)

MODESTY IS THE BEST POLICY: What to Wear for Jesus, Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Mon, 04 Nov 2013 00:45:00 +0000

Partially full disclosure: This week I attended a panel discussion which covered the beliefs of four spiritual practices: Coptic Christianity; Mormonism; Sikhism (woman speaker); Judaism (Reform rabbi). When the moderator asked them to talk about the topic of “Modesty” (Yes, Modesty. Not traditions of dress, philosophies toward violence or use of money… but “modesty”) a very valuable and fascinating presentation suddenly turned into a free-for-all* of dissing female sensuality/sexuality. For good reason, been-there done-that, my body went haywire and I experienced an extremely visceral, physical reaction to the panel's responses. I’ve decided to channel my righteous and totally reasonable anger at the responses into a long-time-coming Part 2 to the RIGHTEOUS BLING: What to Wear for Jesus : Part One (2009)… which I was working on anyway. I guess I needed to be pushed over the edge… though being pushed over the edge by institutionalized misogyny and bullshit patriarchal smugness and shaming is never fun. But the following post was fun to write. Enjoy!

It is so important that Christian women know how to dress in a way that is feminine but doesn’t distract from the work of God in the hearts of men. This is easier said than done in today’s world where we are inundated by inappropriate attire that sends confusing messages about our walk with Christ.

What kind of wear is appropriate for church, homeschool* and potlucks?

Behold… a dress appropriate for all of the above… and you can make it yourself!

I did.*

In Junior High.

The Dress that all my secular friends coveted... for real.

What we have here is cool calico cotton attire with a nice yoked lace collar, a puffed sleeve, a flattering fitted bodice, a curved princess waist with a delicate gathering of calf-length skirt that hides within its folds deep pockets for both hands.

Think Little House on the Prairie meets Modern Amish... inspired by the wife of noble character, Proverbs 31:10-31.

For this fashion shoot*, I left my hair down just as I would back in the day. The uncombed bit is an attempt to recreate an old perm.

Arm and Eye placement is Everything!

The front view demonstrates a woman deep in the throes of spiritual renewal. Observe how she is careful to not raise her hands higher than the hips. Church is not to be a place of competitive worship!

View from those on your Right.

The side view is representative of the blessing and the curse of gathered skirts on hips created by the Lord for the bearing of children. Gathers give us freedom of movement and keep wandering eyes from thinking about what lies beneath. However, we can only go so far in discouraging men of God from not noticing that we are indeed made to be help-meets and mothers.

Time to Talk Pockets!

This fancy pose highlights the Deep Pockets

When dressed to kill… Satan… lol… we women never underestimate the value of Pockets on a sleek skirt, an adorable dress. Pockets allow our shoulders and hands to be free to burp crying babies, pass out church bulletins, wipe runny noses and whatever else the Lord has called us to do in sensible heels and cute duds.

(Yes! It’s possible to be modest, resourceful AND cute! Check out Modest Apparel USA!)

The pockets on this dress are Deep and Wide… which should be symbolic of our love for Christ. Nevertheless, we still make choices that will determine whether or not we are living in the Light or living a Lie.

Please observe the scenarios I’ve created in the still lifes below. Remember… though our outward appearance may exude modesty, are we stuffing our pockets with worldly trappings or resources for God’s work?

Are we living Right-eously or holding the Left-Hand of Darkness?

Contents of Left-Hand Pocket of Darkness

Don't Judge...

“Personal” Lubrication (Never use this in your eyes.)
Condoms (“individually wrapped” will not protect you from heartbreak… or the gutter.)
Dice (Sometimes substituted with a pack of cards, dependent upon size of flask.)
Matches (Sometimes takes the form of a “lighter”.)
Cigarette (Sometimes this is an entire pack, also contingent upon size of flask.)
Eye drops (For when the “cigarette” is actually a onie/onesie/onesy/one-hitter*)
Dark Lipstick (So unnecessary. Draws attention away from what you’re not saying.)
Alcohol (“Twenty Grand” combines Vodka with Cognac. This bottle may look classy, make you feel classy and smells like perfume… but this is not a scent you want to wear… outside of the gutter.)

Contents of Right-Hand Pocket On God's Good Side

Again... Don't Judge...

Hand Lotion (unscented!)
Smiley-Face Button (We women need all the reminders we can get to smile :) We look so much prettier when we smile! Let your Sunny Disposition shine!)
Loose Change for Offering (If author had not spent her last $5 on “Twenty Grand” there would be more money for this still life and more for Jesus’ work.)
Safety Pins- Assorted Sizes (For when you need to help a Sister in Christ make their V-Neck a little more respectable.)
Wet-wipes (Individually wrapped. For when you need to clean a child’s sticky fingers. Men of God love to see you demonstrate your child-caring skills!)
American Flag Pin (One Nation Under GOD!)
Tissues (For wiping a child’s runny nose or the tears of child who just got saved from hell. Some godly man is going to see your natural kindness toward children, snatch you up and make you his bride! Flaunt it!)
Clear lip-balm (Non-distracting: won’t draw attention to your already fat lips.)
Cough Drop (For when your throat tickles during sermons… non-addictive!)
Pocket-Sized New Testament (This of course is in addition to your regular Bible, but always good to have a slightly different translation of the Gospels on hand! Includes Psalms and Proverbs!)

There is so much emphasis on a woman’s “right” to choose these days. Free Will is a gift bestowed on both men AND women. (#JesusFeminist).

In the Left-Hand Pocket of Darkness, we have items that show a young woman on the verge of hardening her heart and possibly losing her salvation.

In the Right-Hand Pocket of Righteousness we have items that demonstrate a strong faith, and a desire to serve others while keeping fresh-faced, reflecting the purity within.

I trust that you will not only order a carbon copy of this dress for $200, but will also choose to fill your new deep pockets with Righteousness!
_______________________________________

Sloppy Footnotes:

*(with exceptions… Sikh woman panelist and Reform Jewish rabbi gave fairly reasonable, historical context responses)

*(I attended public schools, though some of my siblings chose a homeschool-style of private Baptist schooling. I NEVER wore a dress to public school after a boy lifted my skirt on the first day of kindergarten.)
*(Home-made with the guidance and abundant help of my mother)
*(Pardon the American Apparel-esque lighting filter on some of these photos.)

*(Second one hitter I’ve received as a gift. What are my friends trying to tell me??!!)

Born-Again Baby Boomers: THIS Generation, The LAST Generation, or just yet another Anti-Semitic Generation?

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Mon, 14 Oct 2013 21:18:00 +0000

There is no nice way to put this: Many Baby Boomers are so full of themselves that they believe AND want the world to end before they do.

The world revolves around them and must end as they leave the planet.

The End Times cults and believers found in Michele Bachmann, the Tea Party, Born-Again Evangelical Fundamentalists, the Value Voters Summit, and God’s Ordained Politicians are finally getting some scrutiny on their beliefs.

However, every story covering the "bizarre" behavior of these End Times Enthusiasts have missed out on a key point… a Key Point I’ve been nursing, dancing around, and even afraid to mention since the beginning of the blog… a Key Point I grew up with Every Single Day of My Life until I walked away from Fundagelicalism at the age of 27:

The Baby Boomers WANT/NEED the world to end before they die based on scripture, their self-involved obsession with their greatness, and in order for all of Evangelical Fundamentalist Christianity and their politicians to save face over how they have approached Life and National and International policy for at least the last 40 years… or to be exact… the last 65 years… or to be uncomfortably precise… since

May 14^th, 1948.

World War II was yet another war that exposed humans as brutal, base, prone to herd-mentality, petty, mean, horrific Animals. America didn’t go to war to stop the atrocities of genocide happening in Europe… we went to war for… who knows what… but the Greatest Generation came back heroes.

And rightly so, in many situations. But the Greatest Generation also came back extremely broken… and stoically silent about the horrors they witnessed and participated in. Many of the Greatest Generation imploded. Many of the Greatest Generation wreaked havoc on their children’s lives in part because of what they had witnessed and participated in. Those children were the Baby Boomers. Both Generations turned to Billy Graham, Jesus and Hal Lindsey.

“Now learn the parable from the fig tree: when its branch has already become tender, and puts forth its leaves, you know that summer is near; even so you too, when you see all these things, recognize that He is near, right at your door. >>> Truly I say to you, THIS GENERATION will not pass away until all these things take place… <<<<< Therefore be on the alert, for you do not know which day your Lord is coming. But be sure of this, that if the head of the house had known at what time of the night the thief was coming, he would have been on the alert and would not have allowed his house to be broken into. For this reason you be ready too; for the Son of Man is coming at an hour when you do not think He will.”

Matthew 24: 32-34;42-44 (New American Standard translation).

Many Born-Again Baby Boomers believe… KNOW… that they are This Generation.

Why?

Because of the formation of the state of Israel in 1948.

This is really embarrassing and awkward and difficult for me to say. I’ve avoided saying it in writing for ages, but here goes:

Many Evangelical Fundamentalist Born-Againers, especially the Baby Boomer generation, have a very unhealthy symbiotic relationship and fetish towards Jews. We were taught, for all intents and purposes, that Jewish people, and the state of Israel, could do no wrong.

Fundagelicals go this route for a number of reasons:

1. It’s Self-Serving. All nations and people will be blessed and/or cursed based on how they treat Jews:

And I will bless those who bless you, and the one who curses you I will curse. And in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed. Genesis 12:3

For thus says the Lord of hosts, “After glory He has sent me against the nations which plunder you, for he who touches you, touches the apple of His eye.” Zechariah 2:8.

2. The Holocaust. Nothing like it before (though plenty of attempts) and nothing like it since (though plenty of copy cats). The Baby Boomers started learning of the Holocaust in the 1960s… while they were being forced into their own Good-Old-Boys War. The Holocaust was part of their parents’ legacy they inherited, for better or worse.

The Holocaust was, and is, nearly impossible to wrap your head around. The Six-Day War in June of 1967 renewed the awareness of how important it was to attempt to help make amends for previous atrocities against an entire people (atrocities is too tame a word). The 1967 Six-Day War also brought to the forefront the fact that the State of Israel had been created in 1948: This Generation… the Last Generation.

Biblically speaking, sometimes 40 years is a generation. As a result, some End Times cults had their heart set on 1988. Other End Times cults started counting 40 years from 1967. Many others are open to a more squishy interpretation of “generation”… but always insisting that This Generation (the Baby Boomers) is The Last Generation.

These ones who embrace the squishy definition and timeline of "a 1948 generation" can have their cake and eat it too: aren't being sacrilegious by stating exact date; aren't going to be crept up on by a Thief in the Night.

This prophetic “knowledge” informed national and international policy… and continues to do so. Jews are being treated as pawns by the Christian Religious Right in so many ways: funding of Jewish and Christian Zionism; Jews For Jesus; favoring and/or manipulating anything and almost everything Israel does; turning all conflicts into Us (Christians with Jews/God on our side) versus Them (Everyone Else). Anyone who questions this relationship with Israel, including Jews, are labeled as evil, anti-semitic, haters of God and all that is good… and a Sign of the Times.

Never mind that there is the school of thought, um, actually historical fact, that the creation of Israel was in part to keep Jewish refugees of the Holocaust OUT of the United States.

3. The Late, Great Planet Earth. By Hal Lindsey (1970)

This book is one of the main reasons I grew up in an End-Times Wet-Dreams environment. Every bullet, bomb that flew in the Middle East was one bullet, bomb that could take down The Dome on the Rock… and free up The Temple Mount… the place where the Third Temple will be rebuilt and where the Messiah will land when coming to earth.

For many Jews, the Messiah has not yet arrived. For many Christians, Jesus is coming Again… and he needs to land where there is currently an Islamic presence.

THUS… (are you still following?)
… ALL Middle East Conflicts gets many Evangelical Fundamentalist Born-Again Christians HYPER-EXCITED!!! because maybe this time a bomb will take out The Dome on the Rock, and the Temple can be rebuilt, and Jesus can come again!!!!

Long-Story Short: Many Born-Again Baby Boomers WANT conflict, war, bloodshed, and shady arms deals in the Middle East. They WANT it. They NEED it.

They have brought up an entire generation of children who think they want the same thing… blood shed between Palestinians and Israelis, Christians and Muslims, Jews and Muslims, Christians and atheists…. Whatever it takes to prove their generation is This Generation, The Last Generation, The Best Generation?

I grew up believing that I would be lucky to experience life on earth much past my 20^th birthday. Heaven was better anyway, right?
I grew up believing that we Born-Again Christians would be tested, persecuted, have real and figurative guns put to our heads daring us to Deny Christ or Die.
I grew up believing that women who were with child, or mothers, during the End Times, would be placed in extremely compromising situations where they would have to choose between seeing their children murdered in front of them or Deny Christ and go to Hell (dependent upon to which End-Time Timeline you subscribe).
I grew up believing people like the person I’ve become, a believer who left the faith and satirizes it, are Signs of the Times. If you question, you are living proof of what you question.

While in elementary, my Born-Again father taught a months-long, almost year-long, Bible Study on the Book of Revelation for a small Southern Baptist Church/Mission in Northern Minnesota. Each week we would study 1-5 verses at a time. Meticulous. Profound. In-depth. While secular classmates were being scared out their wits over Friday the 13^th, Jason, and Stephen King, I was being taught to be a revolutionary, To-The-Death Christian… and scared out of my wits to want anything else from my life.

In college I took a month-long course in January (J-term) on the Holocaust. It was the only class we took for the month; we met 4-5 days a week, 2-4 hours at a time. The class was taught by a Twin Cities Rabbi. Also Meticulous. Also Profound. Also In-depth.

And More Disturbing. Reality IS more disturbing than Fiction.

(Go ahead, in unison please: 'Oooohhhh…. She thinks she’s an expert… she “took a class” on something…')

It was then that I first started hearing discomforting rumbles that the Christian Right was using and abusing the unspeakable terror of the Holocaust for their own benefit. It was then that I started to realize that the Christian fetishism of Jewish people went far beyond seeing their women and men as too sensual for their own good… or to be used to marry/convert as a way of blessing their own offspring. It was then that I first realized many Born-Again Evangelical Fundamentalist Christians were willing to fetishize Jews into the grave so their Token Jew, Jesus Christ, could return to earth before the Baby Boomers died off.

As an empathetic atheist, it is Extremely Hard for me to share these things… because anti-semitism, racism, Holocaust denials and hatred towards Jews is far from a thing of the past.

I do not condone lumping any group of people into one homogenous clump… Jews, Christians, atheists, Muslims, vegetarians, Republicans, etc… because once you do, it makes it too easy to base decisions on a stereotype.

Oversimplification of causes and effects also creates an environment of Us versus Them.

I'm not naive enough to think I myself am free from saying some pretty stupid, archaic and dangerous assumptions regarding race and religion.

However, I Do NOT condone personal behavior, or public policies, that encourages using people as pawns to gain favor with God, fulfill prophecy, or to gain favor in Washington, DC.

I have absolutely no right to judge the motives of Israel.

I do have a right to Shout From The Mountain Top the horrendous ways in which many Born-Again Evangelical Fundamentalist Christians raise their children in psychologically abusive environments and how they cry for joy when people in the Middle East die… or for that matter… when anyone suffers or dies in an event that qualifies as a Sign of the Times.

Is not this approach to Judaism and Israel by the Christian Religious Right a form of anti-Semitism?

Bottom Line? People must die, The World Must End, to prove that the Baby Boomers are The Best and Last Generation.

And they call their children and grandchildren “self-involved”.

Those who have ears, let them hear.

Foot Note: I say some pretty awkward things around here… but this post takes the cake. I can comment and footnote ad nauseam… but this is a start. Please… understand that I share this as someone who doesn’t even know how/if to share what I’ve shared. Understand that I am conditioned to be Afraid For My Life now that I've said what I've said above, or on this blog in general. Please understand every taboo discussion often comes blurting out in very awkward ways, especially in the beginning stages. Help me evolve.

Please visit Jewish Voice for Peace as one alternative to the Christian Right’s approach to Israel.

ARE YOU NOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE BIRDS OF THE AIR??! : Katherine Kersten Interprets Sermon on the Mount as Originally Intended

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Mon, 26 Aug 2013 00:10:00 +0000

Today Katherine Kersten, columnist for the Minneapolis Star Tribune, addressed something that weighs heavily on my heart: animal worship in America.

(See Put people before dogs: 8/25/13 Star Tribune Opinion ; all Fat Cat in Famous Paintings can be found at Great Artist Mews.)

Kersten has been a champion for Jesus and the Constitution, a voice of reason in a country determined to plummet toward caring more about animals than it does about humans. She points out a study that shows over 40% of respondents would choose to save a dog over the life of a foreigner. Admittedly, Kersten sometimes forgets that a native-born dog probably deserves more rights than a foreigner, but we’ll let that oversight slip for now. The important thing is that she courageously exposes a country that creates graven images in the likeness of animals, which we then worship instead of our Lord or the Constitution.

Before I discuss the Biblical references I’d like to address the modern implications of “moral relativism” that point to a dangerous proclivity towards animal rights over human life.

1. This week the Minnesota State Fair will hold the 2nd annual Internet Cat Video Film Festival. Last year I attended the 1st Festival… which was Free. Over 10,000 people attended. They expect even more for this year’s screening… which is NOT free. Cat worshipers are going to not only shell out $10 to get in the Internet Cat Video Film Festival gates but an additional $12 to get in the gates to the Minnesota State Fair… plus parking… plus $$ for pig on a stick, cow on a stick, fish on a stick, goat on a stick, chicken on stick and maybe deer on a stick.

Worship of the Golden Calf (er Cat) by Filippino Lippi

These people who gather for the cat festival and throw their gold at a fattened cat will eat everything but cat or dog on a stick. If people would heed Kersten’s concerns, maybe we wouldn’t be so biased about which animals are worthy of eating. God put ALL non-human life on the planet for our human consumption. And yet… 40+% of people out there would save a DOG instead of a foreigner. If Kersten and I get our way, Pug Pops will be on the State Fair menu next year.

2. The Sunday Funny Pages. Go ahead. Take a look! The most colorful and enticing part of a newspaper, though a pinko liberal rag, are the comics, more often than not featuring and glorifying ANIMALS! Hold on while I take a quick count of today's STrib commie comics:

21.5 comic strips feature humans portrayed as doofuses;
8.5 comic strips feature talking, intelligent Animals.

That’s a 28% portrayal of intelligent, witty animals who out-smart and out-funny 72% of humans portrayed! This figure shows that we are indeed free-falling toward caring more about what animals think about us than the lives of foreigners.

American Gothic by Grant Wood

(Aside: I still don’t understand why Kersten has a problem with this. As rabid Kersten fans, we Minnesotans all know that foreigners are tax-sucking terrorists hell-bent on ripping our Apple Pie Golden Retrievers out of our cold dead hands… not to mention what they plan to do with our hunting dogs.)

3. Disney. Disney is filled to the gills with animal worshipers. Mickey Mouse seemed innocent enough back in the day of black and white… no relativism there. But then full-colored, Relativism-Bambi came along… and I have watched, slack-jawed, the blatant use of animals to push the liberal media agenda down the throats of children. Take a minute to watch PBS … the Muppets went from bad to worse, promoting the liberal schtick of amoral entertainers… and now we have dogs going to heaven and even bugs having a life. Good Grief!

4. Gay marriage. Here’s the real problem scratching at our door. Kersten doesn’t quite have the guts to go there, so I will for her. As of August 1st, 2013, men can marry men and women can marry women in Minnesota. Need I spell it out for you?

The Unequal Marriage by Vasili Pukirev

This animal worship, this willingness to shower dogs with affection is one small drool-covered step away from People marrying Animals! I understand that Katherine has to be careful… she can only go so far in the STrib, but I can say whatever the Spirit leads me to say on this blog. Here goes: Gay marriage today. Bestiality tomorrow. Just you wait and see! (Even so, come Lord Jesus!)

Now for scriptural references.

The Tower of Babel by Pieter Bruegel the Elder

A. God had Adam/Man name the animals. Naming something is one way of signifying ownership. Sure, the Garden of Eden was a non-carnivorous environment, but Sin came along thanks to Eve/Women and a Snake… so according to God’s commands, we now have to kill animals to clothe and feed ourselves. We women royally messed things up, and now we have the gall to treat our pets as companions instead of food and clothing sources. We may even go so far as to serenade our animals with ballads such as “Heaven Is a Place On Earth.” Sick!

B. In ancient Egypt cats were treated with more kindness than foreigners! Egyptians worshiped cats and made God’s chosen people and other foreign slaves sweat in the sun and even die so cats could hang out in the shade. This mirrors the study referenced in Kersten’s article… so maybe this is a sign… a sign that it’s time we follow Kersten into the wilderness. This time we’ll be smart enough to NOT worship a golden calf... or cat.

C. Bestiality. People who sleep with animals need to be stoned. Sure… you think it’s okay to let your dog or cat to sleep at your feet or on your lap but we should nip this bestiality thing in the bud and just execute all those who take cat naps. (Leviticus 20:15-16)

D. I’m going to jump way ahead to the New Testament. Remember when in Acts 10, Peter had the vision of all animals being fit for human consumption, including pigs and other cloven hooved animals? It’s likely that these animals lived lives of leisure before this… but now we know that pork is the other white meat. Keep an eye out for someone like Kersten offering their vision of cat and dog consumption being part of God’s plan… a departure that will set us apart from those non-believers and Constitution-haters among us.

Still Life by Adriaen van Utrecht

Serious FootNote: My family, though the opposite of vegetarian, were just hippy enough to strongly believe in the ethical (and ultimately biblical) treatment of animals… and cruelty toward animals as a sign of potential psychopathic behavior. As Good Stewards of the Earth, we often raised our own grass-fed meat of all varieties, hunted ethically, and were taught to never pet a cat the wrong way. Animals were indeed worshiped in our household… and lifesavers. Some of the animals we raised outside of domesticated cats, dogs, sheep, pigs, goats, ducks, geese, and cows included wood ducks, squirrels, starlings, robins, etc., etc., and the love of my life: a raccoon. To this day I have to stop myself from wandering through the park after a storm and adopting fallen baby birds.

All satire aside… as both an ex-ethical-treatment-of-animals Christian and as a back-slidden vegetarian heathen… I’d tell Kersten to go to hell if I didn’t think she is already living in a self-inflicted hell. Since Kersten has been one of the most vocal people against foreigners in Minnesota… or non “Judeo-Christian” foreigners… I’m convinced the 40+% of people who responded that they would rather save the life of a dog over the life of a foreigner are people who heed the foaming-at-the-mouth words of Katherine Kersten.

Declaration of Independence by John Trumbull

That's NOT Jesus on the cover of Rolling Stone. It's Jim Morrison.

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Thu, 25 Jul 2013 00:41:00 +0000

As close to Jesus as Rolling Stone gets. 1971.

I’m not a life-long fan of Rolling Stone magazine. I’m not here to defend a Rock&Roll magazine that dabbles in politics and analysis of mainstream culture. I’m here to defend any magazine that is kicked off store shelves because Corporate Headquarters is offended.

In this case, Corporate Headquarters (CVS, Walgreens, 7-Eleven) is worried that the August 2013 Rolling Stone cover romanticizes unexpected Islamic terrorism on American soil. Corporate Headquarters believes that we Americans shouldn’t have to wade through densely printed articles that describe the complicated national and personal milieu that pushed yet another young male into a convoluted justification of mass murder.

We may rightly ask: Why feature this young male mass murderer and not all the other Caucasian/Non-Muslim young male mass murderers we can choose from disturbingly recent history, who have killed far more American citizens in one fell swoop than this team of brothers?

?Maybe because Rolling Stone is less concerned about the backlash from bomb right supporters than gun right supporters in the US? In that case… the August 2013 cover is evidence of a lack of backbone.

1970 Charles Manson

?Maybe because Rolling Stone figured that it’s time they acknowledge the scourge of young men who snap and kill, or attempt to kill, multitudes of innocent American citizens for the heck of it? But in this case, the brothers don’t quite meet the pattern of diagnosable mental illness as a precursor to the murders.

?Maybe because Rolling Stone hasn’t found a good reason yet to point out all the home-grown terrorists, like we have here in Minnesota among the Somali community… who after being frustrated with the difficulties of assimilating into pasty white Lutheranism, are suckered into a cultish version of Islam that encourages them to go back to their home countries and blow up themselves and others? I had a hard time writing that question… so I can only imagine Rolling Stone would have a hard time writing that article.

1975 Patty Hearst with submachine gun in artist riffing on Wyeth's "Christina's World"

?Maybe because Rolling Stone discovered that putting an SLA brain-washed terrorist heiress on the cover in 1975 did NOT create an epidemic of brain-washed terrorist heiresses? Paris Hilton and the Kardashians don’t count.

1978 The Economy

?Maybe… because Rolling Stone doesn’t give a shit what Corporate Headquarters thinks about who they choose to write about or place on their cover? Dear Jesus… please let this be the right answer?!!!!

And it is… because we all know… or used to know… that Corporate Headquarters is exactly who good journalism shouldn’t give a shit about. For that matter, should good journalism give a shit about stepping on the toes of a nation in shock, in mourning, or just selectively numb?

Does the outcry against the August 2013 Rolling Stone cover suggest that America is no longer numb to violence… or does it suggest that while we are okay with all sorts of stupidity taking place among our citizens we can’t get past the shallow perception that being on a cover of a magazine suggests absolution from all sin?

In that case, the Catholic Church should be in good shape.

My beef: That certain Corporate Headquarters have decided that we Americans, when faced with an in-depth article regarding a home-grown killer, all we can handle is the initial, perhaps confusing, reaction to a semi-handsome face on the cover of a sex, drugs and rock&roll magazine. We can’t process anything beyond that initial reaction… which might be confusion for some, anger for others, curiosity for many, or ironic, bitter laughter from others.

So Many Emotions!!!!

Here’s where my Hot4Jesus expertise comes in handy. I grew up in a household inundated by conservative Christian radio and magazines which constantly told its listeners and readers what kind of pop culture it should or shouldn’t consume (my family consumed NO pop culture, which was an anomaly in the 1980s).

These conservative Christian media outlets had no qualms about suggesting where not to buy things based on how corporate headquarters stood on things like abortion, women’s lib, divorce, pre-marital sex, rock&roll, Reagan, etc. They provided easy to consume lists of who to send your complaints to, where not to shop, what not to buy.

(Yes... the hipppies did this too.)

So I’ve been itching for an old-fashioned reason to boycott someone about something and here it is: For the month of August (starting as soon as I read about it last week in mid-July), I am boycotting the stores that are boycotting the Rolling Stones cover.

Why? Because two can play this pathetic and demeaning and nearly pointless game. I normally shop at CVS, because it is most convenient, not because I want to. I’ve already spent $30 dollars of my paycheck I normally would have spent at the nearest CVS ($30 is a lot to me) elsewhere this week. And I thought you and CVS and Rolling Stone might want to know.

And no… I’m not Muslim. To me Islam is as much about the gospel of peace as Christianity is about the gospel of love… all depends on what pew you’re sitting in.

It’s a silly little personal boycott, but one thing you learn from being versed in boycotts at a young age is not only do you boycott a place of business, but you let the entity you are boycotting KNOW you are boycotting them.

CVS: consider yourself and your sad little BigBrother Insulting Bullshit NOTIFIED.

Back when the Apocalypse almost happened: 1969

In one of the libraries I work at, Rolling Stone is shelved right next to Runner’s World Magazine. Coincidence at its best.

It is obvious to me that no one on the staff at corporate headquarters for CVS, Walgreens, etc., is a librarian or well-versed in librarian philosophy which boils down to the following: When one group of human brains decide what other groups of human brains can handle and process and thus start censoring what people can look at or read… well… it’s what is called a "Slippery Slope"… and Damned Hypocritical. (Check out CVS’ collection of steamy romance novels or the cover of the Sports Illustrated Issue… which yes… some libraries have to hide behind the desk for fear of confiscation).

The Fine Arts of Sensual Massage. 1972

So, because I’m well-versed in library philosophy, and because this blog is here because of freedom of speech, and because we all love to hate on corporations now and then, and because I like to share when my upbringing backfires, I will continue to NOT spend my hard-earned money at the places that belittle the emotions and brains of the people who shop there.

You’re free to join me, but like any killer/ rock star… I don’t give a shit what you think about all of this :)

(For those still waiting for it: The Terrorists Win if Corporate America is afraid of the selfie of a impressionable young man, regardless of how many lives he ruined.)

Coffee-Talk on Jay Bakker and George Beverly Shea: Round-up of Today's Good News & Christian Gossip

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 22:41:00 +0000

Jay Bakker: Today Jay Bakker announced via Twitter the new location for his new Minneapolis Revolution church-bar: Bryant Lake Bowl.

Bryant Lake Bowl: Jay Bakker moved to Minnesota for this... to be where all the cool kids hang out.

I know I swore I'd not set foot in his Minneapolis church, but he picked a place I won't be able to avoid. BLB and I go way back, like it does with every other 1st-wave hipster around these parts. I've pulled a groin muscle bowling there, read countless newspapers over coffee before the interwebs hit the phone, scribbled piles and piles of crap in notebooks there, made it a pit-stop from my bike-ride home from the library, morning-after brunched with at least one hot bearded man there, attended numerous shows supporting friends in the back room/theatre (where the church will most likely meet) and witnessed the old-school Minneapolis hipster movement turn into boring couples with their kids while we all rolled our eyes at the subsequent waves of hipsters who cram into the door. I love that place, though I'm also well-versed in a number of reasons to hate that place... mainly... the fucking hipsters.

Bryant Lake Bowl will forever be that place where I met an old friend from childhood back in 1999, before I moved to The Cities, and I witnessed her order a Bloody Mary... for lunch... in the middle of the week!!?! Shocking for the little teetotaler me at the time. All downhill from there.

Bryant Lake Bowl was also the place that I attended the show that I reviewed here in 2010: Get Mad At Sin! in which one man performed verbatim an entire vintage sermon by Jimmy Swaggart. It was awesome.

So, ironically, Jay will be preaching/meeting in the same theatre space where a Jimmy Swaggart impersonator kicked Sin's ass. Also, likely in an apropos tribute to his mother, Tammy Faye, the first service will be on Mother's Day.

I wish Jay Bakker luck. No doubt he'll have more than this back-slidden Baptist to answer to around that part of Uptown. I also wish myself luck in not having a boozy brunch turn into a, "OhMyGod! I've been harassing you online like, FOREVER! Can you sign the screen of my smartphone with this sharpie?! OMG! You're shorter in person than on Twitter. I bet you get that ALL the time. Can I buy you and your lady friend/sister wife a derinck?" fiasco.

Seriously. Nipping that shit in the bud before it happens.

George Beverly Shea: George Beverly kicked the bucket yesterday. I grew up on his music and testimonies. He was in Billy Graham's travelling sideshow... aptly dubbed the Billy Graham Crusades.

It should have been called The Billy and George Beverly Show.

Music sticks in your psyche the way sermons never will. Or at least for me, the daughter of musicians who loved George Beverly Shea's music... the music stays long after the rest fades. The songs of his that I remember best: I'd Rather Have Jesus and How Great Thou Art.

Despite my half-assed hipster facade, you're looking at a woman who used to spend hours and hours and hours standing at the piano and/or Hammond organ (we had 2 of each in our home at one point) turning the pages for my mother and then my sister and singing hymns and gospel songs while other kids my age watched Transformers and Rainbow Bright and Friends.

The music of George Beverly Shea and his ilk shaped the first 26 years of my life. You don't forget that shit. I've said it before, and will say it again... MUSIC is one of the most effective indoctrination tools out there. Be Selective. That shit can make or break your entire philosophy on life. The emotions people attach to music, regardless of the situation, are nearly impossible to break free from. Like scents that bring back floods and waves of memories, good and bad, Music does the same thing. George Beverly Shea singing "The Old Rugged Cross" is in my brain for life. Thanks a lot, mom and dad!

In other news: Billy Graham is not yet dead. Pretty sure the world will end when that happens. Baby Boomer Born-Againers will Not be able to carry on without him. True story. You heard it here first. Sign of the fucking times.

"The Rest of Us" : A description of heaven and god found in part of a poem by Jude Nutter

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 01:30:00 +0000

Happy Poetry Month, America!

The following excerpts are from Minnesota/International poet Jude Nutter. In this poem The Rest of Us dedicated "for Roger" she describes a friend coming out of a long coma. As he regains his speech he tells her about "heaven." I'm including only the portions that are relevant to that description.

William Blake

...And so heaven is built, one
thick mouthful at a time: god,
you tell me, is a casual flame burning
around the trunk of every tree and under

the shelf of every leaf, and how can I
not think about Blake, who saw angels
bleating with fire in the trees and then lived his life
with the lord's bright body caught in his throat

like a hymn. There is no heaven;
only birds and wind. And your mind
flirting with its own absence. And the late-
blooming flowers sending out dark fleets of blossom.
......

.....
There is no god, just the limned

and tooled body of the wind at play
among the plumes of the lilac; and trust me,
there's a warmth down in the grasses, right
where they enter the soil, and it will coat

your throat like a hymn. Come, let me wheel
you out through the streets of the world,
where the rest of us live, where there are no angels;
only girls on every corner baring their beautiful limbs.

-From The Rest of Us found in Jude Nutter's poetry collection The Curator of Silence.

Pegasus by William Blake

I'm on a creative writing kick. It means I'll continue to spew Hot4Jesus observations as they come, but it also means I'm rededicating myself to....

writing...
seriously...
again.
Serious writing. Very serious. Very.

So yes, I've started ANOTHER blog that you are welcome to read if you're into reading about the writing process and seeing my purely secular side. There are original book-porn pics too. (pics of books, you freaks) It is a deliberate step toward rediscovering the pieces worth sending somewhere to be published on this old-fashioned thing called "paper." Please stop by!: Archiving The Labyrinth.

Jay Bakker... the Prodigal Son returns to the home of his mother: Minneapolis & Minnesota

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 06:10:00 +0000

Jay Bakker has moved to Minneapolis… and is starting a “church” here.

StarTribune Headline: Son of televangelists Jim and Tammy Faye, Jay Bakker to start church in Minneapolis

Part of me doesn’t give a shit and the other part of me is a touch sentimental.

Sentimental?

#1. Jay Bakker was the inspiration behind one my first Hot-For-Jesus Former Fundie posts back in 2007 (on tattoos) and 2008 (Poem by Philip Larkin dedicated to the likes of Jay ... who once upon a time I Hot4Jesus crushed on). You never forget one of your firsts.

#2. There is vague family lore about his mother. I won’t go into it, but one of the reasons my extended family never supported the Bakker ministry industry was because of these vague family lore reasons that came up during family reunions. (Sentimental in part because I don’t do family reunions anymore… at all.)

#3. If I hadn’t fallen off the Jesus bandwagon entirely I would be in the Jay Bakker fan club, hard-core… and probably stalk him after every service. In a parallel universe/reality thingy, right about now I would be leaving the Solomon’s Porch music scene behind to head the original worship music and JohnnyCash-esque cover songs for his new bar church here in Minneapolis. Or whatever they don’t do for music… I would be his go-to for not doing it. In a parallel universe, I would be a female deacon in Jay Bakker’s church, which wouldn’t have deacon but special helpers with special gifts. My special gift would be performing original Jesus music and encouraging others to do the same. Or maybe I finally would be sticking my neck out and… horrors… preaching!

#4. I HAVE entirely fallen off the Jesus band wagon. I will never be able to say that I’m 100% over the whole she-bang… as in… I still have hymns run through my head, get angry about spiritual abuse and American state-sanctioned religion, experience flashbacks, will still write about it as the spirit moves me, etc, etc, … but I have no intention of setting foot in Jay's church.

Hell, I’ll encourage other ex-fundies to go to his church until the cows come home and the chickens come home to roost, or whatever, but I’m done with that scene… yes, even the uber-liberal and liberated Jesus-IS-Love beer-drinking hipster Christian scene. I don’t disagree with their approach and I truly believe Jay is on the cutting edge and has wisely chosen Minnesota (it will be a challenge and affirming) but the sentimental aspect to this is… you can never go home again.

Trust me… I’ve tried… literally and figuratively (church-wise).

On the subject of prodigal son's attempting to go home again... By coming “home” to Minnesota, Jay may discover something different. I hope he finds Minnesota to be less of a bitch than I am… but to be honest, though my process of letting go of my spiritual past has been sometimes messy, sometimes funny, sometimes sexy and sometimes hard work… I know he has gone through a similar process and come to a very different conclusion than I have.

Where I’m coming from now is that one does not need to be a Believer/believer or have Faith/faith or even seek Forgiveness/forgiveness or Love/love or Grace/grace from God/god. We all have to live with ourSelves, and I understand a lot of people are conditioned to not love or forgive that self. They will seek the words and encouragement of Jay Bakker. He will not disappoint the people who won’t/can’t/don’t need to let go the way I did.

#5. For those who do let go, and even for Jay, there is this wonderful Former Fundamentalist group in Minneapolis/St.Paul that is still going strong, even after I walked away as organizer a year ago (another reason for sentimentality… an anniversary of letting-go…one year ago this week) and I encourage anyone/everyone who needs Jay Bakker and/or the grace and love of Jay Bakker’s Jesus in their life to realize there are people out there who will encourage you regardless of whether or not you listen and pray at the feet of Jay with a beer in hand. The Former Fundies drink beer sometimes, too. If you go… tell the Former Fundies, Evangelicals, catholics, Lutherans, pentacostals, et.al., that I say “Hey.”

So… yes, it is sentimental time here at Hot4Jesus… but that is in part what this blog is founded on… Sentimentality. It is also founded on Anger and Love and even finding the understanding to “forgive” (no, I don’t believe in “forgivness”… but I do believe in a deeper, kinder understanding…) those who impose their unrealistic beliefs on others, especially children.

Jay, like I’ve said before… gets it. He has seen the worst of the worst when it comes to religion.

We survivors are on your side. Keep your chin up, Minneapolis, and tell Jay I said, “Hey.”

Diogo Morgado as Jesus: Meh.

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 03:46:00 +0000

I’m contractually obligated to say something about the new History Channel/A&E/Disney show The Bible.

Honestly? I’m watching the Netflix Shakespearean drama House of Cards and find it far more titillating than the so-called #HotJesus trend that the actor, What'sHisButt... Diogo Morgado, is creating on Twitter.

The Bible viewers who think Diogo Morgado represents Jesus Hotness are wrong.

Plain and Simple. He is not hot.

I know.

I Am the HotJesus Expert.

This latest Jesus specimen is mediocre at best. No need to argue. This is my field of expertise. They/Disney/History Channel really dropped the ball, imo, when they cast So and So as Jesus.

Don't believe me? Does This Look Like A Hot Jesus???

No. I thought so. This actor is Brendan Fraser waiting to happen. End of story.

You want to fight?! Okay... so there are pics to be found where Diogo pulls off the Emotionally Tortured Bearded Man look quite well. But then there are pics of him, once again, looking like this.

Go ahead. Tell me I'm shallow. I'm well aware that not everyone can pull off the gaunt, tortured soul look. Point being, Diogo is just way too.... cheeky ? for this role.

His nose... sure. Okay. Maybe.

I'll even give you the upper lids of his eyes and parts of his brow... But as a whole package, I'm not buying it. I'd rather watch nothing but a Pack of Cards... I mean a House of Cards.

My fight-picking skills are a bit underdeveloped. If you'd care to argue about it, we can pretend to give a shit in the comments below.

I do have some deeper rumination about this #HotJesus Bible bit. Mainly… sometimes we forget that Hollywood actors are mere thespians, and thespians are people who weigh the pros and cons of taking a part, and of when/what/how to audition. I often wonder what goes through the head of actors auditioning for Jesus. Of course, not only do all of them have a special relationship with God and the Character, in this case Jesus fucking Christ, but it probably involves a multitude of additional head games where they find themselves asking God to bless the audition.

Let’s listen in, shall we?

Dear Heavenly Father, You have blessed me with marvelous talents and You have called me to be a Light unto the world, particularly among the often unholy studios of Hollywood. You have blessed me, and I desire to use my talents for Your Glory. Please, may the Holy Spirit speak through me, and may your Son’s face shine upon me during today’s audition for the part of Jesus Christ. I desire not only to be a witness for you, Lord, helping light the path to the foot of The Cross, but I also desire to most accurately represent the Word of God Made Flesh in the artistic choices I need to make; artistic choices regarding the best way to depart to your followers how Jesus moved his long flowing locks from his face when confronted with gusts of wind from the desert, how he managed his robes when squatting to heal the sick, and how to look intently upon the face of attractive actresses playing whores, and the like, without showing the desire, the human desire, within my facial expressions (for I am only human, a man blessed with manly desires, ThankYouJesus). May my face be a face that does not show lust, or incite lust, in the hearts of the viewers, and may you bless this screen test and audition. Not my will, but Thine be done.

What kind of prayers and head games do you think thespians need to pray/play when auditioning for the Ultimate Role of #HotJesus?????? Share with the class, please.

Btw: to those English/Latin majors out there. Is it just me, or does Morgado suggest.... Death???!!!

Ode to the Jesus Beard

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Fri, 01 Feb 2013 22:27:00 +0000

I'm lucky to have a friend who sends me pics and links via text message throughout the week... and they always seems to catch me when I need a Pick-Me-Up. Sometimes they are cute kitty pics, sometimes e-cards along the lines of "i need a fucking drink," sometimes links to fascinating blogs (Beardboy), and sometimes NSFW pics of hot guys who know how to wear a beard.

Bart and I have similar tastes in men, and he is my date to the 2013 Minnesota Beard-Off. To get everyone primed for next week's (Saturday, February 9th) festivities at First Ave., here is an ode to a good friend who is always game to drooling over pics of hot men while drinking mimosas or beer. I don't have any identifying info about who is in these photos, but if you recognize one of these men, please... tell him to give me a holler and we'll work out a method of reimbursement for using his face on this blog.

Jesus never tires of hearing your life story.

Jesus doesn't want to wear the pants in this relationship.

Jesus being a drama queen.


Back Porch Jesus. enough said.

Thanks, Bart! I seriously could not have created this blog post without you!!!

Behold! A Virgin Shall Conceive: The Christian Tradition of Legitimizing Rape

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Fri, 26 Oct 2012 21:48:00 +0000

I finally figured it out. I finally understand why all these Republicans are getting by with going on and on and on and on about how pregnancies from rape are no big deal and should not be reason for the woman/rapee to choose abortion.

BIG FAT ASIDE: Doesn't it bother anyone that we are even having this conversation since abortion is a legal choice of the impregnated woman regardless of whether it is a result of rape or a busted condom? The fact that they can have this discussion trying to get rid abortions in all cases suggests we've moved so far to the right that... wait… why are we even discussing the legality of abortion period, much less abortions as a Normal and Healthy response to extremely traumatizing scenarios? That we've become that desensitized to how far right we've gone that we're willing to even debate this to begin with… well… it is just plain silly.

Soooo. Top 5 or 6 or 7 Reasons Why the Choice of Abortion as a Healthy Response to Rape or Incest is NOT an Option (according to many Republican men and holier-than-thou women) :

#1. She was asking for it and the pregnancy is a reminder that she shouldn't be so friendly/slutty.
#2. The rape wasn't legit... ala Akin. If she didn’t want to be raped, every inch of her body would have fought back harder… including her uterus and the egg would have kicked the sperm’s butt to the curb.

#3. She wanted to get preggers then decided against it and now she wants an abortion. So convenient. Women are wishy-washy and notoriously don’t know what they want.
#4. Remind me why we are even having this discussion?!
#5. Mary, Mother of Jesus, was raped. It is an honor to bear a child resulting from rape.
#6. Men in power and self-righteous women know what’s best for.... Woahhhhhh Horsey! What was that last one?!

#5. Mary, Mother of Jesus, was raped. Bearing children that come from rape is as Christian as you can get.

Okay. Now it is time to move into Roman Numerals.
Some theories/myths/stuff Freethinkers and atheists think up:

I.
Mary was raped by a Roman soldier. This is one of the oldest heresy shockers pushed by evil Jews and even more evil Pagans who weren't all that thrilled about what was being pushed down their throats. This is an old-school myth. Some atheists are especially attached to this one because it is so easy to process. And they have proof. Sorta. It's written down ... in this stack of papers... somewhere. One accompanying theory goes that Mary was so traumatized by the rape that she reinvented her life and the story of her son's birth just to deal with the pain... which people definitely do. I do like that perspective on the theory. OR Mary was a temple virgin prostitute/priestess, which was also common practice, and whether raped or as a result of a ritual gone awry, the child had a holy beginning.

II.
Joseph hooked up with/raped Mary outside of wedlock (Mary was a child even by today's standards… about 12 years old) ... and had to smooth things over. The smoothing-over story got a little out of hand, but 2000 years later, no one is worse for the wear, right? Take that asshole preacher, Jack Schaap, who took that girl over state lines so having sex with her would be legal. It's within Christian tradition. Get used to it already.
BIG FAT ASIDE: ANOTHER SEXIST HYPOCRITE GOT CAUGHT RED-HANDED!

III.
God impregnated Mary. This theory is totally legit because G/gods have been impregnating human female virgins for eons, and Christianity needed to latch onto something familiar among the gentiles, so viola! Now, considering the power dynamic, in today's world, a gazillion year old, all-powerful man who has sex with a barely tweenager... well that is pretty much always considered rape. It's not like she had a choice. So if God comes knocking... it doesn't matter if you're 13, 14, 15, 26, 65, 78... you take it... and you like it... or pretend to like it. It's not like you have a choice. Sure, go ahead and act humble and honored that he wants to knock you up, but we 21st century ladies know too much about power dynamics to not scoff at the assumption that any teenager would choose to have sex with an immortal.

Shit. Twilight Series! Damn. Nevermind.

So God meets Girl. Sounds like a Rom-Com for the ages. And it is. Christianity needed to get in on it. They were relative latecomers.

Late-comers. Heh heh.

Okay. Let's go back to the whore thing. There is no such thing as rape among prostitutes, right?

Wrong. Even if Mary was a whore, sex workers can experience rape... and back in the day when there was barely such a thing as rights for sex workers, I'm guessing non-consensual sex happened frequently. And they were considered prostitutes, sluts, and whores because ultimately women who practiced any form of goddess worship as a priestess, which is a common theory about both Mother Mary and Mary Magdalene, were easily targeted and demonized by the early Christian church once the translations reinvented them into Literal Virgin and Literal Slut. Goddess priestess became synonymous with prostitute, regardless of how accurately this may have or not have reflected their rituals as female-wisdom worshipers.

Point being… Mary, whether a barely consenting tween smitten and coerced into sex by an an all-powerful god or raped by a Roman soldier, Joseph or by a john… point being… Christian tradition is rooted in pregnancies carried to term as a result of rape or barely able to consent sex.

And before I bore you any further… though I had my AHA! moment and typed this out before this Onion article beat me to the punch, I currently live internet-free… so beating The Onion to the punch is an impossibility. Go ahead. Doubt the veracity of my brilliant insights. Once the Onion points out the obvious, all the rest is just commentary.

At the very least, I hope this has helped you better understand how this Rape-is-a-legit-way-to-get-pregnant mentality is nothing new under the Christian sun.

Tale of Two Fathers, Which Art in Heaven: My Parallel Universe Sibling Paul Ryan Made Me Write This

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Sat, 11 Aug 2012 18:30:00 +0000

Once upon a time – a couple years after Paul Ryan’s lawyer father died, leaving four children – Paul Ryan being the youngest in 10^th grade – my public school teacher father kicked-the-bucket (he’d want me to use that line), leaving seven children behind, the oldest in 12^th grade. I was in 8^th grade.

My family towed the Reagan/Bush Republican Economics line pretty well. We didn’t ask for government assistance. My RN mother moved us closer to her and my father’s family. She found a big farm house in the country – dirt cheap in the early 1990s but she’d never be able to afford that same house now. She joked that she thought she got such a good deal on the house because the elderly Catholic farmer widow probably thought she was selling to a fellow Catholic. Yep - we fundagelical Baptists had moved from Lutheran country into Catholic country. Rural Minnesota – ‘the Country’ – was a member of our family and she would never have considered forcing us to remain sane in even a small town environment. We moved from the middle of wheat fields to the middle of corn and soybean fields.

While my mom looked for flexible nursing work, she accompanied us kids on bean-walking expeditions – dirty, mud-up-to-the-knee work for a well-to-do, kind farmer neighbor. We pulled weeds in those soybean fields as a family that first summer after my father died. That farmer eventually hired me as a babysitter and my brothers as farm hands.

Paul Ryan received Social Security Survivor Benefits money upon his father’s death. He put that money in savings to pay for college. We also received Social Security Survivor Benefits upon my father’s death – something my mother didn’t know we had coming until someone told her she basically didn’t have a choice but to take it. It was basically money our father had already paid into Social Security.

Normally the government passes this Survivor’s Benefit on to cover the expenses of the surviving children through high school graduation. However, thanks to living the Procreate-For-Jesus Quiverfull lifestyle, there were seven of us – and they only give those benefits for three children at a time. The money went to pay for some living expenses – mainly health and car insurance for all of us and paying the new mortgage on a big old house that needed constant repair.

We may have survived without that money once my mom found a decent gig as an RN. However, when it rains, it pours. One of my brothers got in a serious snowmobile accident that required he remain in a hospital for over a month – and then once he got out he was in a partial body cast for months that required constant care and intensive physical therapy. The hospital was almost an hour away so my mother made the difficult decision to quit her RN gig to care for my brother. Could she have worked full time AND visited, then care for my brother in a body cast?

Maybe – but this is the type of situation Republicans like Paul Ryan just don’t get... or worse... don't care about. His father’s death found Ryan in an unfortunate situation, but not so unfortunate that the money he saved for college had to be used to make ends meet.

Paul Ryan doesn’t get that misfortune often happens in spades. Social Security and government social programs are there for people in Ryan’s situation – but also for people much worse off than Ryan’s situation, and people much, much worse off than my teenage situation. It appears Paul Ryan didn’t understand poverty then – and he doesn’t understand poverty now.

There is a poverty that hard work doesn’t put a dent in, but I will not expect people who are born into wealth, or even Comfort, to understand what ground zero is. I’m lucky to know what ground zero is from the ground level. Paul Ryan looked down at ground zero. Too many Americans look up at ground zero.

There is no Pride in having to rely on strangers for help – but that is in part what we as a nation guarantee through taxation – the kindness of strangers. Churches require a 10% tithe – much of that money goes to keep the buildings open, pews dusted and pastors paid – not to support widows and orphans as the Bible asks. No church EVER offered assistance… in fact… single mothers were looked on so suspiciously in the 1990s that you'd think they had never heard of something called 'being Christ-like'.

Neighbor farmers can offer work to fatherless children – but these kids need transportation to get to work away from the farm. Cars cost money. Lots and lots of money. The list goes on and on and on. Social Security and government assistance programs are NOT pin money for many Americans. And the government does NOT anymore cause or encourage poverty than wealthy people who jump through tax loop holes are job creators.

Heck, riding public transit costs money… transportation that Republicans of Rand/Ryan ilk think they should not have to subsidize with their taxes. If they had their way, every street would have a toll booth at the end of it guarded by someone who can force payment out of you with the end of a semi-automatic.

I rejoice that I have jobs that take taxes out that go to programs that might help out total strangers less fortunate than myself. It is a secular tithe I am grateful to offer up. It sure beats the begrudging charity (if you're lucky) of judgmental churches and too many to count so-called Christians.

Why do people need safety nets set up by the government? Because the government cannot discriminate based on race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, etc, etc, etc… all things private businesses can do and do do… and way too many churches do too. In fact, I remember discussing the biblical suggestion that widows marry their husband’s brother. Thank goodness my dad had no brothers and that my mother had already produced more than enough sons.

Does it bother Paul Ryan that such a large percentage of non-Caucasian children rely on Survivor Benefits? Does Paul Ryan think Social Security Survivor Benefits is pocket change that can go into savings accounts? Does Paul Ryan not realize that in the grand scheme of things, his father’s death may not have been nearly as economically earth-shattering as the disability or death of parents starting off in a much less privileged situation? Did it hurt his Pride that much that the government gave him money that he had coming to him? Does his and Ayn Rand’s hypocrisy go unchallenged? Not if I can help it.

Social Security was designed to keep people’s chins up. Social Security is not welfare that discourages the poor from getting work. Social Security Survivor Benefits is not something to be ashamed of. Judging by Paul Ryan’s budget philosophies, you’d be tempted to think otherwise.

Yeah – we also got reduced priced lunches at (public) school. Is that next on his agenda? Probably.

I currently work two jobs. One is a public service job in local public libraries… my dream job… a job I went to school for and am extremely grateful and excited to have. It pays peanuts. For the first time in my life I’m union.

I am also a woman. Women are more apt to take service jobs that pay peanuts. My second job is to ensure that I can have a little money left over after I pay my minimalist bills (no car, no cable, no internet, no credit cards) and buy groceries.

Like Ryan, I know all about frugality. I also know that losing a father in death is fairly rare in the modern America… and fairly difficult to process. Like Ryan, I too have a father which art (not) in heaven. Unlike Ryan, I have no desire to return to the corrupt, Victorian days of Charles Dickens’ England where whoring widows and street orphans abounded and public schools were barely heard of… where schools were run for profit by close-minded men and the bread of charity was doled out in exchange for conversion. I’d like to think that somewhere in our parallel universes Ryan also read “David Copperfield” around the time of his father’s death….

No wait! If he had read Charles Dickens, he’d have likely turned into the bleeding heart, sob-story liberal that I am. He read Ayn Rand. Never the ‘Twain shall we meet.

In the end, Paul Ryan is one of the most dangerous candidates the GOP has ever produced. Unlike Romney, he BELIEVES in slashing of government resources under any and all circumstances. Ryan is Romney’s way of sucking up to the men and women who glamorize the culture of Victorian times… who are unable to understand that we (women, children, workers, minorities) are much better off for having left those times behind us.

Paul Ryan’s world is not a world I want to live in. I will not stand idly by and let Paul Ryan’s parallel universe become my world.

Please help me stand strong against him.

Social Security Survivor Benefits

Last Gasps of 2012 Women's History Month

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 20:44:00 +0000

One for the Ages: Classy Female Submission to Jesus

I got a little weirded-out a week or so ago. I rented the movie "Young Adult" because... Charlize Theron? Boredom? It was still officially Winter? I can't remember. Then the beginning credits informed me it was written by Diablo Cody. And my weirded-out reaction morphed into the long-time-coming ode to Women's History Month... before it is April and we have to stop talking about Women for another 11 months starting on April Fool's Day.

If I had known Young Adult was written by Diablo Cody, I probably wouldn't have rented it. I nearly had an allergic reaction to what's-that-movie's-name which Cody (Brook Busey) won a Screenwriting Oscar for back in... (thank god for google)... 2007. It left such a bad taste in my mouth I haven't seen anything by her since.

Off to a good start with celebrating the achievements of women, huh?

Okay... so I more or less liked Young Adult... though the theme of women's worth ultimately revolving around ability and desire to procreate offends me. Afterwards, I ended up doing some old-fashioned web-surfing and discovered that Diablo Cody was raised Catholic. I had a mini AHA! moment.

Then I had a mini WTF?! moment when I discovered her newest project.

It's about...

A fundamentalist young woman (hmmm) who grows up without a tv (check) and wearing skirts (only required for church & concerts) who loses her faith/has a crisis of faith (HHHmmmm) after she gets in an accident (wait a minute...?) ... okay... a plane accident that leaves her with major burn scars (car accident thankfully did not cause any burns!) and moves to Sin City/Vegas and .... ahem... finds her faith again?

Okay. I'll admit it: It was a bit weird reading the synopsis for her upcoming movie after spending over four years feeding my rabid Hot4Jesus fans tidbits of my own former fundagelical life that I left behind soon after I moved to the big city and was in a car accident.

It makes it weirderer that Cody used to live and write in Minneapolis. I used to appreciate her writing for the City Pages. Yes, I thoroughly disliked Juno... but I appreciated Young Adult... and I appreciate that Cody sticks her neck out in a world that loves to pigeon-hole women. My weirded-out moment subsided when I realized... probably tons of former fundie girls who grew up without a tv lost their faith in an accident.

Purely coincidental!

No really! I mean it.

One thing I don't miss about my exFundagelical days is, believe it or not, believing that 'there is no such thing as a coincidence.' It is mentally exhausting to be brought up in a culture that reads into patterns and number combinations and mundane events as Secret Signs of the Times and Coded Messages from the Spiritual Warfare Front.

(hmmmm.... sounds like some heathen hippies I know)

For a good year or so after my accident and deconversion, via habits of a lifetime, I read into things in a way that allowed me to be agnostic about the possibility of a Larger Consciousness/ SubConciousness/ Connectedness. Thankfully it tapered off and I say Good Riddance!

There IS such a thing as coincidence and social milieus. I'm not about to attempt to prove it, mathematically or such... but the world is small and the world is huge. In the grand scheme of things, this blog is a cliche. So be it.

So... I'm looking forward to Diablo Cody's Yet To Be Titled movie (Lamb of God apparently didn't make it pass the head-honchos). She's directing it ... and goodness gracious, in this world we NEED more female directors in Hollywood... I don't care what they are directing. I'm especially looking forward to it because, apparently, the young lady RETURNS to her faith... which is one thing I cannot imagine ever doing.

               *********************************
In the meantime, I cannot highly enough recommend the movie "Higher Ground" directed by, and starring, Vera Farmiga. CANNOT RECOMMEND IT HIGHLY ENOUGH!

Got that? Good.

While writing this, I've discovered that it is based on the memoir "This Dark World" by Carolyn S. Briggs. Many parts were too close for comfort... but done so beautifully and in such a trusting, honest manner that the flashbacks to my own first, second and third tastes of Belief as a child of the '70s, '80s and '90s were more cathartic than painful.

As usual, the hymns and gospel songs always hit me where it hurts and were the most difficult to hear... in part because I couldn't help but sing along. Music causes some pretty intense and unwelcome flashbacks. ARGHHH. How embarrassing. So cool to be that chick who has hymn lyrics pop into her head ... while drinking beer.

And speaking of Coincidence... the turning point towards faith comes in the form of... a car accident. I've long said, my accident was a catalyst. Something like Newtons 1st Law of Motion. No... maybe his second Law? Hell... to be on the safe side, let's just say all Three Laws of Motion are relevant.

3. For every accident that sends a person away from faith, there is an accident that hurtles someone toward more extreme faith.

1. A person will keep moseying along in their belief system until acted on by an external force.

2. ERGGG. Um. It takes more muscle to move a big stone the same distance and same speed as a little stone? Go ask Jesus about that one.

The movie was so good that it probably ruined the book for me. Vera is a thinking woman's actress and I'm thankful that she had the intelligence and thespian guts to do this movie. It's more than just about belief, but about outdated female roles that religion accentuates while the outside world claims to have moved past such sexist silliness.

As we are learning, slowly, I hope, the outside world has NOT moved past its silly sexist expectations and movies like this can hopefully be a good reminder why we DON'T want to go back to the way things were. It's always disturbing to see women not only live in, but promote outdated sexist rules and regulations... but this movie hopefully helps some outsiders of religion better understand that when you're in it... surrounded by it... believing it... immersed in it... that women like Michele Bachmann might make a little more sense.

The way the secular library becomes a safe haven for her awakening... Been There! The accuracy of the clothes worn and the discussion about what women can wear... Yes! Perfect!... I still have some of my home-made dresses in my closet. The awkward transition of the 1970s Hippie Jesus Movement into the stifling 1980s... Spot On! The many, many, many moments of mixed messages given by men, from a woman's point of view... Pure Gold.... and unfortunately Too Accurate. Watch it!!!

There is a book and author I wanted to talk about in this post, but I'm even boring myself at this point. I may have to talk about her in a month not designated to the Herstory of Women. Are you okay with that?

(Not that I care what my minions think... mwhahahaha).

3rd Annual Minnesota Beard-Off: Beards, beards everywhere but barely a Jesus to wink at

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 04:11:00 +0000

We ex-fundagelicals sometimes have to force ourselves to NOT read into things… and to NOT take life too seriously. In the spirit of trying really hard to NOT give a fuck about the fucked up state of the United States… this is a follow-up to the skin-deep post regarding Jesus-Hotness and Jesus-Beards from earlier this month.

OR to put it bluntly… I attended the 3rd Annual Minnesota Beard-Off!

The 3^rd Annual Beard-Off was held at First Avenue in Minneapolis. I haven’t been to the "Purple Rain" sound stage since the early 2000s, soon after I dumped Jesus.

Quick Hot4Jesus Back-story: Ironically, the first time I visited the den of iniquity (First Avenue) was back in the late ‘90s… with a member of my JC Posse from southern Minnesota… one of those former fundamentalists who had survived some extreme Christian Fundamentalist bullshit yet, like me, still Very Much Believed (yes, a preacher’s son who still believed). One way we JC Posse kids self-medicated our fundagelical pasts, while still being very active in the gospel-preaching circles, was to listen to “rock & roll,” jam in the basement between practicing worship-team songs… and go to concerts such as the HardCore, MegaRocker, BabyKilling Ben Folds Five. Or Sonia Dada.

Yes. My first experience with 1^st Ave was with a preacher’s son at a Ben Folds Five show. I secretly preferred thrasher and metal music, but that’s another story.

Every time I set foot in or near First Avenue I think about those first trips to sweaty "rock" concerts in the heart of a Sinful City… which is also one reason why I don’t set foot in there too often. It is a time machine. Sometimes I don’t like visiting the past.

BUT I suffer for my art.

What got me back into First Avenue after years away? Jesus. Duh.

The 3^rd Annual Minnesota Beard-Off last night was the first time I’ve been there for a non-music related shin-dig. No dancing. No singing along to lyrics. No head-banging. Just a room brimming with male testosterone in a throw-down, shout-down contest for who had the best beard in Minnesota.

There were a ton of Distractions… none, except maybe one Distraction, that made it into the final round, imo. That’s why it is so helpful to have a niche-blog hobby like Hot4Jesus that keeps my sights set on my Biblical Ideals. There were well over a hundred male and female beards to peruse, but Jesus is the Only One for whom I have eyes.

And in a room full of competitive beards, only three are making it onto this blog… by name and description only.

The Categories of beards fell into 1. Partial Beards 2. Mustaches 3. Freestyle Category (girls and dogs and other circus freaks) 4. Full Beards.

I'm resisting a strong temptation to talk about the Mustache Category. The Full Beard Category is where all three of my Hot4Jesus contestants contested.

1. Jordan OR Blonde-Nordic-esque Jesus. At the beginning of the show, one of the judges inferred that sandals on a bearded guy might detract from the beard score. Jordan wore sandals… proudly… and rightfully pointed out that ‘If sandals were good enough for Jesus, they are good enough for me (Jordan).’

Amen, Brother. He was the first and ONLY contestant to reference our Dear Lord and Savior. You might ask… how could a Beard contest go so long into the final Full Beard category without a JC reference?! Perhaps because Jordan also was the first contestant that could handle the Hot Jesus look.

One thing blatantly clear to me last night was that in a room full of beards, you will be lucky to have the Jesus-Look represented.

Lumberjacks? Plenty.

ZZ Top? Yes.

Left-Over Hippies? I’m afraid so.

Sons of Left-Over Hippies? Yep.

Dead Presidents? Yes.

Santa Claus? Yes.

Charles Dickens? Yes.
Charles Dickens’ Characters? Too Many to Mention.

Steam-Punkers? Whatever.

Moses? Yes.

Bearded Ladies? Of Course.

Jesus? It’s a look that a lot of guys either can’t pull off, or are afraid to pull off.

And after we (Jordan & Kyle & I) talked, they might freak out and shave immediately. But life is too short for a girl to not creep out a guy every now and then with her Hot4Jesus schtick.

Jordan represented the Golden-Boy Jesus and did it well. He was a cross between our favorite H&M JesusMale-Model and Head of Christ painting by Ron Marsh. Thanks Jordan for being such a great sport and for spreading the Sandaled Jesus Love!

2. Kyle OR Brunette Piercing-Eyes Jesus. I don’t know what to tell you about Kyle, because, well, we barely know each other … only a first name basis… which can be kind of hot… but point being, when Kyle came on stage he reached up and unleashed his gorgeous brunette shoulder-length locks and… I fainted.

Just kidding. I just screamed. My vocal chords hate me today.

Funny Story: this is similar to what happens when I let loose my luxurious brunette locks. It's always a little embarrassing to see men faint and hear them scream.

Tall with great bone-structure, poise and longing-looks, Kyle represented the Jesus-look that makes you feel at peace AND sinful at the same time. In other words… you feel at peace about sinning.

They say that God is a merciful God, but when Jesus looks like Kyle and Kyle looks like Jesus… that's not mercy. That's just God being a tease.

What more can I say about Kyle? Nothing. Like I said… I don’t know him. Congratulations on a Male-Model Bearded Jesus-look well-done! It’s all in the eyes, and the hair, and the nice teeth.

Yes, Jesus had great teeth.

3. Frank OR Charles Darwin-Look-Alike. Frank is the only contestant mentioned here that I did not talk to directly. He also earned the Crowd Favorite Award. He wore a shirt with Darwin on it to help those Evolution-Challenged audience members make the connection between himself and Jesus’ greatest arch-nemesis. He deserves to be mentioned here because of his Darwin-look… and because something he said when accepting his Crowd Favorite Award (as a long-lost-sorta-related-descendent) “… and remember Uncle Charlie.”

Former fundagelicals here who grew up on Uncle Charlie’s Children’s Bible Hour… you know who I’m talking about. I’m taking Frank’s acceptance speech out of context, but it can be our own little inside joke for those of us who would rather NOT remember Uncle Charlie.

And I mentioned that Frank was the spitting image of evil-incarnate/Charles Darwin, right?

Right.

______________________

Okay boys and girls. I’ve had about enough beard talk as I can handle for one weekend. I could critique the judge’s final selections until the cows come home, but instead, here’s a little secret: I’ve never “dated” a Jesus-look alike… nor do I have any desire to. I’d make an exception for a red-headed Jesus … but only if he can hold a decent conversation. And buy his own beer.

PICS of SOME of the Contestants (includes Darwin and one or two hunks not mentioned here... though plenty hunks are not represented) Twin Cities Metro Magazine: Minnesota Beard-Off at First Avenue .

For those of you craving more substance around here… great minds think alike. Keep checking back.

swing batter batter swing: Game's On between Baby Jesus and Adult Bearded Jesus

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 20:33:00 +0000

I don't know shit about baseball... or any competitive sport for that matter. I'm blissfully clueless about nonprofessional and professional sports. However, I live in a city that has numerous professional sports teams that wreak havoc on the local taxpayers' pocket, a city that is debating whether or not to subsidize a new NFL stadium for the Vikings, arguing about how much money to sink into renovations for the NBA Timberwolves Target Center, and a city proud of the new outdoor Target Field for the MLB Twins.

And though I don't want to give a shit about baseball, or other competitive national league sports, I sometimes have opinions that veer off into rants about how local public schools and other public institutions have to FIGHT to get shrinking funds and that teachers should be making CEO/professional sports players' salaries. So I'm biased... as a musician's daughter and as a "teacher"... and as someone who usually only pays attention to sports to humor whomever I might be messing around with.

But it's spring... and at Hot4Jesus that means a number of things. #1) Ya'll due some shallow, noncontroversial Jesus eye-candy. I normally go the male model route, but for the first time on Hot4Jesus... the Jesus Look-Alike Eye Candy is represented by an athlete. #2) We're headed into the beard-free season up north ... so there is the need for one last beard celebration before they all disappear.

So in my best jock-mocking voice (think a cross between Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger)... LET'S DO THIS!

First pic. I took this photo in a parking lot in downtown Minneapolis almost two years ago. These clean-shaven, buff, young professional dudes in Twins gear were hanging out next to an open car trunk full of beer... and I spotted Our Lord's Name from half a block away and made a beeline for the groupies. I told them I wanted/needed a picture of this guy's uniform... and also told them that I might post it online in a satirical blog about Jesus. They all thought it was cool that I blogged satirically about Jesus. Score 1 point for rebel jocks. Though I didn't get names, the owner of the broad shoulders said it was totally fine if I posted this pic online. It was the end of the season, and I forgot about it... until now.

Baby Jesus' Minnesota Twins Jersey, circa 2010

Baby Jesus plays for the Minnesota Twins. Since we have God on our side, maybe they'll win another World Series once Baby Jesus grows up to be a man. Lord knows it's been too long.

Second and third pics. Jayson Werth.

Jesus chooses his bats based on how well they match his shades.

The Son of God scoffs at your suggestion that his head needs protection from your curve balls.

I know nothing about Jayson whatsoever other than his uniforms suggest he has played for the Philadelphia Phillies and the Washington Nationals. Further close observation suggests that he totally pulls off the HotJesus bearded look... but also that he is of the genre of bearded men that look better with a beard than without a beard. But let's not worry about his non-bearded look. I wonder how people would feel about him treating baseball the way Tim Tebow treats football. That would seriously mess with people's heads... if he tebowed every time he didn't strike out.

Finally... links for people interested in the topic of Beards. As a bit of a beard connoisseur myself, I mainly specialize in sexy beards of the Jesus flavor. If you're local, you need to check out an upcoming annual event for bearded men, and women, and bearded men lovers... The Minnesota Beard-Off. This year's Beard-Off falls on Saturday, March 24th at 1st Ave in Minneapolis. I might be in the crowd... I might not. From the looks of it I am (platonically) acquainted with a few of the past contestants. I've meant to go both previous years... but this hooker too often works weekends. Nevermind my social life. Go if you can!!! If you can't, here is a consolation beard blog for you : Build-A-Beard: scouting beards since 2009. It's a no-brainer that I need to get on the panel of judges for next year's Minnesota Beard-Off.

Uff-da.

I don't know about you... but I feel I've done justice to the skin-deep winks at professional Jesus-look-alike athletes and Jesus-esque beards... enough so that I'll feel less guilty about future posts that wallow in the mud-wrestling pit of my favorite competitive sport... Misogynistic American Politics.

PARENTS ACTION LEAGUE... because someone's got to stand up for persecuted Christian Conservatives

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 22:44:00 +0000

Two written works have inspired me to open up new cans of Hot4Jesus whoop-ass.... starting with an article buried in the Minneapolis Star Tribune. The other deserves a separate blog post.

It is luxurious to have time to page through a newspaper over coffee without deadlines and homework on my mind. Though I deliberately ignored the Bachmann/Perry/Cain/Gingrich/Santorum popularity contest these last few months, if you think the Christian Right is going to taper off with their losing politicians, you may need something stronger than coffee to numb the pain.

Background: Anoka-Hennepin Public School District (Twin Cities suburb and in Michele Bachmann territory) has become the battleground between the LGBTQ community and Allies (count me in) versus conservative parents who don’t like all the new rules and regulations that make bullying of LGBTQ students a big No No. LGBTQ students sued the district because of how they were treated within the school… by both teachers and students. So Anoka-Hennepin decides to consider creating a formal "neutrality" policy regarding the rights of LGBTQ students. Two students (or up to four according to THIS Strib article) within the district who committed suicide recently have had parents cite bullying about sexual orientation a factor leading to their suicides. Now the teachers who are accused of being homophobic conservative assholes are counter-suing.

More Background: Much of the Christian Right thinks depression is just a matter of not being fully immersed in the glory and love and presence and forgiveness and beauty and awareness of Jesus Christ’s saving grace. Tons of adults within the Christian Right deny themselves and their children mental health therapy or treatment based on the belief that their depression or anger or addiction is just a matter of the DarkSide (Satan and army) having more control over a person’s life than TheForce (Holy Trinity). So…

All this suck-it-up mentality about mental illness aside, of course the Christian Right isn’t going to believe that homophobic bullying might lead to suicide among LGBTQ kids. They obviously just need to STRAIGHTEN Up and Fly RIGHT. They might point out… rightfully … that the pharmaceutical companies have an unethical grip on the balls of people who already hurt, but don’t let them distract your attention from what is really happening here: they are expanding the legal arena in which they can claim religious persecution.

Ironically... they like to have it both ways, depending on who is doing the talking... or when it is in their favor to point at people and call them crazy. Parents Action League (PAL) still believes that homosexuality should be considered a mental disorder.

Just like this article is buried in my first rant in a digital coon's age … so it was buried in the Minneapolis Star Tribune : Q&A: Parent group raises school issues : The Parents Action League says policies in Anoka-Hennepin School District are unfair to students with conservative values. By Maria Elena Baca (Sunday, 1/15/2012Metro/Twin Cities+region)

Once upon a time… I was that conservative-valued student who felt like an anomaly in a secular public school. With the lifelong message from pulpits, Christian radio and family (a number of whom were public school teachers) that the secular public schools were out to create amoral citizens, I felt like I was part of a martyred minority. My public education was Very Good. I had many conservative, milquetoast and liberal teachers who inspired me to become a teacher myself. But I also faced moral dilemmas that made it seem unfair that I couldn’t fully understand or participate in the secular school.

I never encountered outright bullying. I don’t want to speculate what was said behind my back… if anything… regarding my Christian/Conservative values. However, my blood reached the boiling point in a number of classes taught by outright liberal teachers who made me feel like I was a stupid Christian hick. These were not messages necessarily directed at me. Nevertheless, I did know who my conservative allies were and tried to support them when discussions veered off into socialist, amoral liberal love-fests. I tended to let my Christian flag unfurl more in my writing. I rarely, if ever, encountered a liberal teacher who did anything but encourage me to write and think more.

There was enough conservative/Christian bashing, even from liberal Christians, that I often had liberal propaganda to discuss with my family over dinner. I learned a lot in those kitchen and late night conversations about how to filter out the liberal free-for-all from the Good Stuff. Though I was the family hippie and a closet liberal/progressive, I was quite able to get bent out of shape and fume within class discussions. I not only knew which side my bread was buttered on, but I also had a thing for moral indignation that is a lifelong blessing/curse. I kind of enjoyed getting steamed up about liberal teachers’ politics, comments and lectures. It all fit into the picture of persecution that I had been taught from day one. Now I get a kick out of conservatives who belittle victims and victim-mentality while playing The Victim like a professional.

I survived public school… and am a mega-huge-advocate for free pluralistic public education… but I do know many adults felt like that had to reprogram their children after school. While there have been various parental coalitions that work to ensure conservative-valued students are not persecuted, this new wave means business… in part because they have more financial backing than ever before.

And please, don’t get me wrong. Christian/Conservatives ARE bullied and demeaned and mocked within public schools everyday… by their peers and by their teachers. The problem is when Christian conservative students feel like they have fewer rights and specific policies in their favor than LGBTQ students who can’t quite accept that they are living in Sin. The persecution and martyrdom buttons get pushed… buttons that have been primed and cherished their whole life. So… here we have an official organization (Parents Action League) dedicated to making sure their part of the persecution pool is not spoiled by someone else’s (LGBTQ/feminists/Muslims/Buddhists/African-American/Native American/Atheists… etc) legitimate concerns of being bullied to death by children and adults programmed to demonize the LGBTQ (et. al) community. Or in other words... even hate speech is protected free speech :)

Christians have been persecuted from day one. So have Conservatives and so have Liberals and the Middle feels torn in both directions. But when a “fringe” element that threatens the very basic tenets of Christianity starts saying, 'We’re not going to put up with this shit anymore'… all hell breaks loose.

Conservative Christians know they are fighting a losing battle… but they have been commanded to fight, and die, in order to set the record straight. It is nearly impossible to argue with such a huge belief system… but the LGBTQ community is just one more to add to the already dangerous arguments from feminists and other secular/progressive civil rights causes. When you corner a group of Christian martyrs, don’t expect anything less than Conservative Christian Right's claws coming out.

In the Q&A article that I want you to read on your own, Laurie Thompson says, “An unspoken reality about public education today is that neither conservative students nor conservative teachers nor conservative administrators feel the same freedom to express their beliefs and feelings that liberal students, teachers and administrators do. Even if both policies [Sexual Orientation Curriculum Policy & Bullying Prohibition Policy] were eliminated, it would only be liberal teachers who would voice their philosophical, political and moral views on homosexuality in the class. The left has successfully and speciously conflated bullying, bigotry and hatred with conservative moral propositions and in so doing, they’re able to impose both formal and de facto censorship in public schools.”

She has a point. Though I’m now a raging feminist liberal atheist, I’m not going to pretend that Christian, and Muslim, conservative students don’t feel like they are would be better off, socially and legally, if they just kept their mouths shut in certain public school classes. Things can and do get ugly… and it can Hurt when defending one’s faith is met with outright ridicule. Same with conservative teachers in public schools. The answer is not to force these students and teachers out into private Christian schools or to support religious school vouchers. But I’m not going to pretend that progressives should expand their tolerance to the point of allowing and embracing Conservative Christian civil “rights” ... or be overly open to religious beliefs that hurt more than help… because frankly, many of the students who feel persecuted by liberals have been brainwashed from day one to believe they will be persecuted and tested until their dying day.

Is the answer to create separate public school policies tailored to protect LGBTQ students from harassment? Maybe. Maybe not. For every policy specifically protecting the rights and safety of non-straight students expect that there will be an attempt… and sometimes successes… at amendments that give Conservative Christians the Right to say LGBTQ students, and feminists, and Muslims, have hardened their hearts, are living in sin, are brainwashed by the liberal media, and will have to explain their willful choices someday at the foot of Christ’s nail-torn feet.

Did I already say Free Speech is a Biatch?

I sang a lot of solos back in public high school. Every one of them became a moral dilemma of to Whom did this song bring glory… me, or Christ, or the DarkSide? I justified all my decisions from “Summertime” and “The Christmas Song/Chestnuts roasting on an open fire” to “Ave Maria” and “Pieta Signore”… after a lot of prayer and as an attempt to encourage other believers. My senior year I turned down a lead part in a musical that I could not justify, an unmarried, pregnant character, because it glorified sex outside of marriage. I was a little pissed at God for offering me such an awesome lead role as “a test.” But I passed. He “rewarded” me with post-college lead roles that I was able to justify by, looking back, completely whacked-out apologetic philosophies.

And until we figure out how to protect people proud to be Born-This-Way while not making Born-Again Christian conservative kids feel like persecuted, lame losers… rest assured that these Christian conservative kids will likely one day look back and laugh at themselves. In the meantime Christian conservative kids will learn the language of passing the tests through persecution that the secular world throws at them. Their faith will either strengthen or weaken as a result of these tests… but don’t let their parents and preachers gain the right to preach and petrify in the public school classrooms.

Please.

Diagramming the Religious Nerd Since 2007: John Calvin is a Dork

noreply@blogger.com (Christine Vyrnon) — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 14:49:00 +0000

Looking for in-depth analysis of life before, during and after JC and company? This video will answer many of your burning questions while I continue to play library student nerd. (Is there anything nerdier than studying libraries and information technology? hmmm... If there is, I'd like to hear about it.)

If we're lucky, this video will open the floodgates of controversy and everyone who sees it will want to respond to the following questions:

Is it fair to compare religious people with WoW, Star Wars and RenFest nerds?
Is lack of pre-marital sex a common theme among all nerds, secular or religious?
Why do you think there are so many dislikes to the video:

(a) It isn't that well done.
(b) It makes fun of religion and everyone likes to thumb down that topic.
(c) It's too well done.
(d) There aren't enough RenFest babes portrayed as examples.
(e) There aren't enough Christian babes portrayed as examples.

4. Would we be better served if we could narrow down the religious enthusiast into a category? (see above).

Back to cramming my brain about the Reformation, Counter-Reformation and Censorship. And a side note to the religious nerds out there: John Calvin seriously pisses me off... even though he's been dead for 447 years. How much is Calvin still to blame for either/and/or the Prosperity Doctrine or the Austerity Doctrine?

Discuss.