Hot Chicks Dig Smart Men

It's Monday, so Here's What's on my Mind

2012-06-04T08:00:00.000-06:00

Crap on a cracker, I'm a sick human being. After determining that I would add 20 minutes of running* twice a week to my workout schedule, what I actually did was add 20 minutes six days a week. So my quads have been in a constant state of stiffness for a week. I think I need professional help.
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Boogie the Giant Schnauzer is recovering nicely from his traumatic dental experience. Which is good, because cooking his kibble until it's soft stinks up the entire main floor of the house, and his beard is a disgusting mess afterwards. Bless his pointy little head.
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I've been slacking on my recreational reading the last several weeks because I've been reading such fascinating tomes as SIP: Understanding the Session Initiation Protocol, and Interconnecting Cisco Network Devices. While professional development is important for a knowledge worker, the timing is unfortunate because my Summer Reading Program is right around the corner. I'm going to be logging my professional and school reading for the program, but I'd much rather log China Miéville's The Scar, which I may not actually complete until the end of the year at the rate I'm going. I guess I'll have to live vicariously through participants in the reading program. So please read something more interesting than Professional Unified Communications Development with Microsoft Lync Server 2010. Thank you for your cooperation.
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If you're a fan of modern guitar blues, may I recommend Joe Bonamassa's new album, Driving Towards the Daylight? I don't know if this will usurp Sloe Gin as my favorite, but still - awesome.

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*Disclaimer: What I do is not exactly "running" since my pace is barely faster than my walking speed. One of the reasons I've always hated running is that I'm so very, very bad at it.

Boogie Blogging Friday - Going to the Dentist Sucks Edition

2012-06-01T08:00:00.000-06:00

What do you mean, no snacks? I know there's some in the pantry! WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO?

Poor Boogie had an awful, no-good, horrible, terrible day yesterday. Yes, he had to go to the DENTIST.

He's been in need of dental care for some time, but since dogs have to be anesthetized to get their teeth cleaned, we were hesitant to get it done. He'll be eleven in November, and with his low-functioning kidneys, we were sitting on the risk/reward fence. But it finally reached the point where his vet thought his kidney function was high enough and his gums were in bad enough shape to schedule the procedure. And as long as he was out for the count, his vet removed a cyst above his right eye that's been weepy lately. That's our Boogie - a lumpy wonder.

Everything went very well, although he had to have two molars extracted (one due to a broken tooth and another due to decay). Not that he thinks things went well - the extractions mean he's off crunchy snacks for a few days while the gums heal, and THAT IS SIMPLY UNACCEPTABLE.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Fitness

2012-05-31T08:00:00.000-06:00

In October, I embarked on a health and fitness campaign that was designed to change my lifestyle. Not a "diet," not a "plan" - a change in how I live.

I began strength training 6 days a week. I increased my cardio from 1 hour a day four days a week to 1.5 hours a day 6 days a week and 1 hour on the 7th day (my day of rest). I watch my caloric intake without being too obsessive about it. And so far I've been pretty successful. I've lost about 40 pounds. I'm stronger than I've ever been in my life, and I can see my muscles gaining definition underneath the subcutaneous fat. It's getting harder and harder to get my heart rate above 130 during cardio. Success by any reasonable measure, I would say.

But that's not the hard part for me. I've always been able to lose weight. It's keeping it off that's a problem.

So in mid-April, more than half-way to my goal, I decided to take a break and try to MAINTAIN. I decided to do so through May, mostly because we had a series of house-guests and trips, and I wanted to be able to enjoy those things without obsessing about what I was eating. And now, seven weeks after beginning my maintenance hiatus, I weight .6 lbs more than I did on April 9th. Dudes - that's a rounding error. Success!

And here's the weird part: Monday, when I was visiting family on the East Coast, I went for a morning walk. And I COULD NOT get my heart rate over 100 - the combination of exercising at sea level and my new-found level of fitness was conspiring. So I did something I never thought I'd do again: I RAN.

Please note that for many, many years, I swore that the only reason I could think of to run anywhere was if I was being chased by Giant Squids. Running sucks. Running BLOWS. I still hate it. But I did it, and for the first time in months, I didn't have trouble getting my heart rate above 130. Of course, the next day, my hips were completely stove up (although my knees appear to be okay), so I paid for daring to expand my physical horizons.

And now it's time for me to finish this up and move on. I think I need to lose about 20 more pounds, although I really have no idea what the actual value is. I just know in my mind how I want my body to look, and when I get there, I'll go on the maintenance plan that worked for me over the last seven weeks. But in the meantime, I'm going to tentatively add running to my program twice a week as a jump start and see how it goes. If my knees start to protest, I'll have to re-evaluate, but for now - I'M A RUNNER. So weird.

Why My Weekend was AWESOME

2012-05-30T08:00:00.000-06:00

Because the Smart Man, my Hot Daughter and I took a couple of days off and headed out to points East to visit our AWESOME, AWESOME NIECE. And oh, yeah, her parents.

A good time was had by all, especially our niece (who from here on out will be known as "Bug," because I'm tired of typing AWESOME, AWESOME NIECE). We got a chance to accompany her to her first Major League Baseball game (the Orioles versus the Royals). I invented a new, fun game called "Super Bug" which basically consists of the adults "flying" her around the house and swooping in for kisses from her adoring family members. And we got to have lunch with the amazing NeuronDoc and her family.

So yeah, a wonderful weekend with people we love, including Bug, who makes every member of our family simply GOOFY with love.

Today: Back to the grind.

2012 Flower Pr0n

2012-05-27T08:00:00.000-06:00

Our small maple, getting ready for Sexy Time.

Wildflowers from the field where Boogie walks.

Boogie Blogging Friday - Laziest Dog on the Planet Edition

2012-05-25T08:00:00.000-06:00

I love my new water bowl!

What you missed was him laying down to look out the window and then crawling forward so that his face was close enough to the bowl to drink. Why get up if you don't have to?

Boogie how has two water bowls - his big bowl upstairs, and his new, smaller bowl in the basement. We decided to get him one because it's getting harder and harder for him to get up the stairs these days, and with his kidney problems we didn't want him to skip drinking rather than brave the stairs.

For some reason, he LOVES his new bowl. I fill it several times each day, and he's always ready to push me out of the way as I set it down so that he get a drink. My dog is weird.

On Being Courageous

2012-05-24T08:00:00.000-06:00

The topic of courage has been on my mind of late. It seems like many of my friends (and me) are dealing with life changes ranging from employment decisions, to identity, to family matters. All of these things can be challenging, and all require a great deal of thought and planning in order to make an informed decision about what's best for everyone involved.

But all of these challenges have one thing in common - they must be met with courage. I've written before about the role of fear and courage in my life, but occasionally, I need a little reminder about what it means to live a life without fear, and the rewards associated with doing so. As my amazing friend Anne noted elsewhere, "Courage is, IMO, an essential trait to living a non-meh life." Just so.

And it's always nice when the inspiration for a courageous life is close to home. Or in this case, living in my home.

My Hot Daughter is one of the most courageous human beings I've ever met. Without being defensive, she doesn't apologize for who she is. She tries hard not to make excuses for whatever boneheaded moves she has up her sleeve. If people don't like who she is, she wisely considers the consequence of their judgement to be their loss. But most of all, she has the courage of her convictions. From where I'm sitting, this kid lives an utterly fearless life, and always has.

That doesn't mean I think she's never afraid. Every sane person is afraid occasionally. But more than any other person I know, she doesn't allow her fear to inform her actions, nor does she fail to stand up when it matters.

I'm a lucky, lucky human. Not only do I like my kid, but she's a source of inspiration to me, as well. My courageous girl.

How I Know I'm Middle-Aged: A List

2012-05-22T08:00:00.000-06:00

Given the choice between getting a full eight hours of sleep and partying late into the night, I'm choosing the sleep, almost every time. The result of no longer being able to sleep past 7:00 a.m., I suspect.

When I judge how other women are doing in terms of "aging gracefully," my opinion has far more to do with how capable they are of performing the physical tasks of daily life than any cosmetic change. Being able to do the things you want to do counts far more than how many wrinkles you may have. And in general, it's something that's far easier to control.

I feel like I have more options in terms of the physical aspects of growing older than I used to. Part of that is the discipline associated with keeping my body fit, but the reality is simply financial. Let's face it - 25-year-olds typically don't make enough money for plastic surgery, botox and other anti-aging technologies (not that they necessarily need them). I now have the confidence and resources to pick the things I care about (saggy lower face, glabellar scowl lines) and do something about them (lower facelift savings plan, botox), while embracing the aspects of getting older (hello, silver locks!) that I like.

I find I'm caring less and less about "making a scene." If you behave badly, or if you're a bigot, or if you embrace your internal asshat, I'm becoming more and more likely to call you on your assholery. I may even do it publicly. Because if you behave badly, or you're a bigot, or if you embrace your internal asshat, it's likely I won't give a shit what you think about me, anyway.

I care far more about Giant Metal Chickens than wearing make-up every day.

I still shave my legs every day. You have to draw the line somewhere.

Getting Out of Your Own Way

2012-05-21T08:00:00.000-06:00

After eleven years on active duty in the United States Navy, six years in the Reserves and fifteen years in corporate America, I have reached a conclusion. The majority of problems experienced by groups, companies and other large organizations are caused by a supreme inability for people to get out of their own way.

Think about it - whenever a decision needs to be made, large groups of people tend to fall into the following traps:

No one wants to make a decision, either because they lack conviction or they're afraid of the consequences.
No one can make a decision, either because they're incapable or they don't have the authority to do so.
A committee is supposed to make a decision, and we all know how that ends up working out.
The decision is made not based on what is best for the organization, but what is best for an individual, and so execution is near impossible.
A decision is made, but it gores someone's ox, and so execution is hampered by obstructionism.
A decision is made, then it's unmade, then it's made again, and unmade again, until the principles choose to self-mutilate in an effort to go out on disability rather than manage one more change.

What I wouldn't give to work on a project (or in an organization, or for a community group, or with a customer) where decisions are made logically, and are defensible, and the responsible party has sufficient skills to get everyone on board.

I think there's a word for that sort of thing....let me think...it's a memory buried deep in my subconscious...

Oh, yeah. Leadership.

2012 Flower Pr0n

2012-05-20T08:00:00.000-06:00

That's a lot of money for a crayon drawing

2012-05-19T08:00:00.000-06:00

Remember back in March when I was somewhat skeptical about my current college course, Discovering Creative Energies but was trying to keep an open mind?

Yeah. Hours and hours of my life that I won't get back.

I fucking HATED maintaining that journal. Every week I was required to create three pages, one a "guided" entry with the theme provided by the professor, and two "free form" entries on whatever I wanted. Every week I would sit down and wrack my brain trying to think of something to draw, or paint, or color. And every week I would feel inadequate, untalented, UNCREATIVE. At one point I drew a picture - in crayon - of the bottle of beer I was drinking, I shit you not. And this is COLLEGE LEVEL WORK.

Now that I'm done with the journal, I have come to the conclusion that whatever creativity I may have knocking around inside my head is fully realized by writing for my blog and sending fugly metal chickens to my friends. In short, I did NOT "discover my creative energy." I discovered that $1,960.00 is a lot of money for a crayon drawing.

Internet Chickens - A Sordid Tale

2012-05-16T08:00:00.000-06:00

So a number of months ago, my good friend Random Michelle introduced me to The Bloggess, an extremely entertaining blogger who has evidently been wildly popular for some time. Obviously I'm BEHIND THE TIMES and NOT HIP. The entry Michelle referred me to was the one which explained the origin of Beyoncé the Giant Metal Chicken, who is now a GENUINE INTERNET PHENOM.

So time went on, and a number of weeks ago I was driving home from the dentist, and I saw it. A GIANT METAL CHICKEN FOR SALE. I had to have it. I turned around and bought not the five foot model, but the three foot model, thinking it would be less intrusive in the backyard and offend the Smart Man less.* I then named it "Mark Anthony" because he was sort of angular and had sharp edges. Plus my chicken was smaller than The Bloggess' model, and in no one's imagination is Mark Anthony bigger than Beyoncé.

But then I thought, what about Michelle? She LOVES Beyoncé the Giant Metal Chicken. Why should she do without? So I logged onto Amazon (is there anything Amazon doesn't sell?), and found Ricky Martin. Yes, in the strange place which passes for my brain, EVERYONE NEEDS A GIANT METAL CHICKEN.

Based on her new Internet Meme, The Adventures of Ricky Martin the Metal Chicken, I'm assuming she liked it.

And now, for the first time in public, here is Mark Anthony the Metal Chicken, ensconced in his chicken run (which he shares with my new lilac). Yes, the fence is actually to keep Boogie from digging up the mulch. Shut up. It is now a chicken run. HOUSING A BUTT-UGLY METAL CHICKEN.

Let me out, Motherfucker.

Life is good.

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*"Less" is a relative term. His reaction was, "What the hell did you buy?" Some people have no sense of whimsy.

2012 Flower Pr0n - Mother's Day Edition

2012-05-13T08:00:00.000-06:00

Columbines, the Colorado state flower. I transplanted these shortly after the photo was taken, and I think I killed them.

Bearded Iris. I dug these up, too, because the base of the Maple where they lived looked like ass.

Things I've Been Doing instead of Blogging, Revisited

2012-05-11T08:00:00.000-06:00

It's been a pretty crappy week here at Hot Chicks Dig Smart Men, and I haven't really had the motivation to write much. Here's what I've been doing instead.

1. Blowing my nose. The Smart Man generously shared his infectious germs, and I've been fighting off a spring cold.

2. There's been pretty significant layoffs in my organization this week. I've been alternating between:

Being grateful that I was not placed "at risk."
Experiencing Rage Against the Machine because several of the folks who were placed "at risk" were teammates of mine for whom I have professional and personal respect.
Wondering why the fuck it's called being put "at risk." There's no risk here - these people lost their damn jobs. Perhaps HR has some devious plan to have the unfortunate unemployed chased out of the building by Giant Corporate Squids, so they're "at risk" of being eaten by monsters from the deep. Hey, it could happen - who the fuck knows how the Mind of Corporate America works?

3. Eating shit that's not good for me. Like Girl Scout cookies. And chocolate. And garlic cheese biscuits from Ruby Tuesday. I gained .6 lbs last week, and I'm not really on track to do much better this week. But I've been maintaining my work out schedule, so I'm not turning into a complete slug. Just a partial slug. Sort of like a slug-based chimera.* Who eats garlic cheese biscuits.

4. Going to Ohio for a customer meeting. Of course, half of the presentation was scheduled to be given by a teammate who is now at risk of being eaten by Giant Corporate Squids, so I was scrambling to figure out how to manage that DELIGHTFUL SURPRISE.

5. Getting ready for a visit from my Hot MIL. Unlike a lot of women, I actually enjoy my MIL, and I'm happy she's coming to see us. Given that our Awesome, Awesome Niece is also her Awesome, Awesome Granddaughter, we were wondering if we were ever going to see her again if she was given the choice between us (chopped liver) and the baby (Awesome). Not that I blame her. Given the choice, I'd choose the Awesome Baby, too.

6. Getting Human Rights whiplash along with every other supporter of the LGBT community. NC: Boo! President Obama: Yay! Colorado Legislature: Boo! Governor Hickenlooper: Yay!

Comment of the week on this subject from the Smart and Superlative David: "I do not believe in gay rights. I believe in human rights. When someone can convince me that gays are not human, then and only then will I take them seriously. Until then, no."

7. Finding and ordering the perfect gift for my good friend Michelle. When it arrives, Michelle, remember: WE SHALL CALL HIM RICKY MARTIN.

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*I will send jam to whoever creates the best visual representation of a "slug-based chimera."

2012 Flower Pr0n - World Domination Edition

2012-05-05T08:00:00.000-06:00

These Irises are making plans to take over the world, perhaps to punish me for totally ignoring them ALL THE TIME.

Feminism and Me

2012-05-04T08:00:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking about feminism lately, and how it relates to me and my life.

Making a living as a token minority in a male-dominated field, feminism has always had a role to play in my professional survival. When I was a younger woman, I tried to act like the institutional sexism of the Armed Forces didn't affect me - I grew thick skin, and tried hard to learn how to survive and thrive. I was successful, but there was a cost for those choices. That thick skin is a tough habit to break, and I have a tendency towards cynicism and will attack if threatened.

Once I started making my living in the civilian sector, the institutional sexism became more subtle, and my traditional reaction to it was no longer suitable. I had to switch to a hyper-competent model, whereby I forced myself to work harder, longer, more ferociously than my male peers. This also works as a strategy, but I have found that after a decade and a half of this, I'm just worn the fuck out.

So I was thinking - what should my new model look like? And then I thought, why the hell do I even NEED a model to deal with institutional sexism? Isn't it the responsibility of a modern organization to ensure that I don't need to deal with this outmoded bullshit? Why is it MY responsibility?

And the answer is that it's not.

So I'm revising my strategy as it relates to sexism professionally and personally. I can call out blatant sexism where I see it, and refuse to tolerate the language and mores of rape culture. I can make decisions that enhance respect for women. I can demand equal responsibility to go with my equal rights. I can demand the respect I've earned, and try and encourage my daughter to do the same. I can try and encourage my son to reject the casual disrespect of his father. I can demand equal pay. I can try and elect officials to whom women's issues matter. I can try and support and mentor young women in my professional life. All of these things are worthwhile in their own right.

But I shouldn't have to develop a comprehensive strategy to deal with other people's fucked up mores. So I'll try and behave in accordance with my own ethical standards, and demand that others behave fairly and with integrity.

Yeah. Just call me Naive ~~McNaiverson~~ McNaiversdotter.

Professional Dumbassery

2012-05-02T08:00:00.001-06:00

Like a lot of technical people, I go to professional conferences. During those conferences, it's typical for companies that sponsor booths to collect business cards for give-aways in an effort to gain contacts for their distribution lists. It's a common practice - everyone knows what's what, and after the conference is over, if the company's content isn't something I'm interested in, I simply unsubscribe.

Except for this one company.

I have unsubscribed from "Insight24's" distribution list 25 times.* And I continue to receive daily e:mails from these dumbshits, constantly extolling me to view their webcasts on everything from BYOD (Bring Your Own Device) to Database Security.

After the first 10 times I opted out, I went to their website and tried to find a way for me to unsubscribe there. No luck. Probably because the service is COMPLETELY FREE and their business plan doesn't allow a mechanism for people to tell them to fuck off.

So here's the part I don't get. If your business model is based entirely on hosting educational content on the subject of technology, why, why would you not ensure that your own technology actually, you know, WORKS? What kind of message does it send to your audience about your credibility as an information source if you're too stupid to hire people who can actually manage a distribution list?

I'll tell you what message it sends to me: "We're too stupid to continue in this business model! We should never be considered a source of credible information! Feel free to ridicule us in the public sphere!"

Message received, Insight24. Message received.

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*Yes, I am insane. Why do you ask?

Free Rent

2012-04-30T08:00:00.000-06:00

I have a conundrum.

As recently noted by the observant Megan (a psychologist by training), I have a family member who is currently enjoying free rent in my mind. No, I don't care for this turn of events. No, I don't know what to do about it. Yes, I'd really like to resolve this situation and regain some mental peace.

Here's the deal. In the last year, I came to the conclusion that the best course of action for me was to make a break from a close member of my family. I have no doubt that this decision was appropriate and correct, nor do I doubt that the situation is permanent. When the single greatest characteristic a person displays in the context of relationships in an overwhelming selfishness, it seems unlikely that reconciliation is possible. Even if I had the capacity to invite her back into my life, the fact of the matter is that others' pain simply isn't a consideration in her behavior, and never has been.

So I made the decision, and I've accepted it. And yet -I can't let it go. Obviously.

Drama-Me* has middle-of-the-night conversations with Adult-Me, basically consisting of "She better hope she never needs a kidney!" Adult-Me would really like Drama-Me* to just shut the fuck up and let it go - it's over, there's nothing to be done, and dwelling on the situation serves no one.

But I don't. Because, quite frankly, Drama-Me* is simply enraged.

I realize intellectually how very unproductive my anger is. It hurts no one but myself, and I've been working on letting it go for some time. I've read a couple of books on the subject, but I have to admit they didn't really suit me. Most of them posit that "God forgives you, so you should forgive whoever hurt you! Now let go of your anger, let's hold hands and skip through the daisies, lalala!" Yeah, not very helpful for a materialistic Atheist. In fact, it makes me want to heave, in spite of my hard-won knowledge that the way to peace is through forgiveness.

I know that this family member is simply a fundamentally broken human being. I've spent my entire life learning that lesson. Purging her from my life is the best thing for everyone, including her. But there's a part of me (Drama-Me, did I mention how I hate her?) that wants the family member in question to pay for a lifetime of selfishness and misdeeds. I know it's not my place to wish ill on someone else. I know what's right and moral in this situation. I know what's best for me and my mental health. I know my quality of life will improve once I achieve some emotional resolution. And yet, here I am. Still worrying the issues, unable to get past my anger, my grief, my sense of betrayal.

To be fair, I have been making progress. Those middle-of-the-night conversations with Drama-Me* are far shorter now than they were a year ago. I don't think about it every day unless something reminds me of it. But I still have significant work to do. Part of the work I'm carrying out here at HCDSM through my cryptic (and not so cryptic) writing. Most of the work will take place between my ears.

Eventually, I will execute an eviction.

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*I hate that bitch. Really - Drama-Me's values are completely fucked up.

2011 Flower Pr0n - The Front Yard's a'Blooming

2012-04-28T08:00:00.000-06:00

Boogie Blogging Friday - Dumbass Edition

2012-04-27T08:00:00.000-06:00

It wasn't my fault!

So I was walking the Boogie-Dog yesterday, and I noticed some broken glass on the sidewalk. Before I could pull him up, he got a piece in his mouth and started to chew.

This is not the smartest dog on the planet.

Luckily I was right there, so I grabbed his lower jaw, shoved my hand in his mouth and started rooting around for the glass. Eventually we got it out, but not before he had cut his tongue and gums with his shenanigans.

It's a good thing he's sweet. Dumbass.

Enter...The Pergola

2012-04-26T08:00:00.000-06:00

So I was having a conversation with long-time pal and Sista From Another Mista The Mechanicky Gal the other day, and I swear, our lives are just one big example of entropy in action.
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The Mechanicky Gal: How's it going? We may be leaving the country for a year, but it's all good, because we'll be in the Middle East making a ton of money.

Me: Huh?

TMG: Yes, we'd be working in Bahrain, but we don't know if it's on or off. You know how it goes.

Me: Actually, I don't. It takes an enormous amount of work to have a life as boring as ours. You have to cultivate it.

TMG: So things are boring there?

Me: Not really. House guests coming and going, I may stab someone at work with a fork, we're dealing with young adult drama, and I need to make a real effort to give my mind a thorough housecleaning on this family shit once and for all. But that doesn't mean we don't try.

TMG: Understood. Drama-Me is always trying to shove her nose into my adult business.

Me: I KNOW. I hate that bitch.

TMG: So in other news, I tried to kill The Mechanicky Guy on Saturday.

Me: Wait...what?

THE KILLER PERGOLA

TMG: We've been building a pergola over the patio in the back yard, and on Saturday I dropped a beam on his head. I damn near knocked him out.

Me: Dude. You don't spend 25 years looking for the perfect companion and then bean him in the noggin with pergola parts. I LOVE The Mechanicky Guy - please don't kill him.

TMG: I KNOW. I SWEAR I broke his arm. As it was, it was just his thumb, and since he's taking muscle relaxers for his neck anyway, it may be that I didn't break it after all. I thought I could just lift it just a SMIDGEN and get the shims under it. Did I mention that it was 18 FEET long and 2" x 6"? Oh yeah, I'm not dropping KINDLING on my beloved's head, no way, only THE BEST.

Me: Poor Mechanicky Guy. I can't believe he puts up with us. On the bright side, I shall use this as a shining example of how the Smart Man should just COUNT HIS BLESSINGS, DAMNIT. At least I'm not trying to kill him with lumber.

TMG: True dat.

Me: I think you should decorate the new pergola with a Beyoncé Metal Chicken. THE MECHANICKY GUY WILL LOVE IT.

::cue crickets::
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I love my friends.

What I Owe

2012-04-23T08:00:00.000-06:00

Relationships are hard. Sometimes, relationships are really hard. But unless you're finding a cure for cancer or saving the world from mad men,* they're the most important thing about being human.

So being who I am, I spend a significant amount of time trying to determine what I owe those people in my life with whom I have a relationship. Because OBVIOUSLY I can't just wing it. That's just CRAZY TALK.

And the more I think about it, the more complex the answer becomes. Do I owe someone something simply by virtue of blood? How much blood is required before the obligation kicks in? Do I owe more to my "family by choice," because I accepted the obligation freely? And what do you do about obligations to family members who turn out to be reprobates? My answers to these questions have changed as I've gotten older, and I suspect they'll continue to change.

I used to think that my obligation to my blood relatives was inviolate, but I got over that. That obligation is not inviolate. There are any number of things that would lead me to a decision to kick a family member to the relationship curb, and walk away with no regrets. If I'm related to people who are racists, who hold others in contempt simply by virtue of an accident of birth, who treat others badly as a matter of principle - and I am - then I can't see that I owe them anything at all. The most they deserve is a kick in the ass as they shut the door behind them. I've had to make that decision, and I can't say that I've regretted it. If you're a reprobate, you do not deserve my obligation, and I will not feel guilty about withholding it. The only exception to this is the obligation that I feel I owe to my children. They're always going to be my children, no matter what.

I used to think that relationships with blood relatives rather than friends was the cornerstone of my relationship matrix, and I got over that, too. While I have deep, meaningful, and long-term relationships with people to whom I'm related, I also have deep, meaningful, and long-term relationships with people I've met through serendipity, or chance, or mutual interests. I now realize that there's no special value to the blood relation based relationships compared to the family-by-choice relationships. A longer history may offer deeper roots with my relatives, but common interest, emotional support, and love often offers deeper commitment with my friends.

Now, in my midlife, I have come to the conclusion that my obligations to those with whom I choose to have a relationship are completely and utterly voluntary. And for me, they're at least partially dependent on whether or not the people I choose are willing partners in that relationship, whether or not they behave with kindness, with understanding, with compassion. And I accept the responsibility that I have the same obligation to them.

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*Not mutually exclusive.

Free Shit Friday Winner...

2012-04-22T08:00:00.000-06:00

...of the Tiny Coach Bag is JstPam, with a random number of 1. Please send me your address, and I'll mail that off whenever I damn well feel like it. Enjoy!

2012 Flower Pr0n - Holyoke Edition

2012-04-21T08:00:00.000-06:00

Free Shit Friday - Tiny Coach Bag

2012-04-20T08:00:00.000-06:00

Today's Free Shit Friday give-away is a tiny Coach bag. It's 8" wide, 6" tall, and about 2" deep. In other words, FAR TOO TINY FOR ME.

da Rules.