Hot Potato: the maintenance years

One year!

2013-02-20T21:21:00.000+13:00

One singular sensation
Every little step he takes.
One thrilling combination
Every move that he makes.
One smile and suddenly nobody else will do;
You know you'll never be lonely with you know who.
One moment in his presence
And you can forget the rest.
For the guy is second best
To none,
Son.

Darling son,

Today you are ONE. Our first year together is over, and the rest of our lives has begun.

This month has seen you continue the transformation from big baby to small toddler, with a rapid increase in your understanding (or at least your demonstration of it), language that is continuing to improve, and your first steps. You say "boo" when we lift the flap in the Spot book (under the flap is a mouse saying "Boo"), and you know how to get pretty much whatever we ask for- Monkey, Mr Bunny, books by title, shoes, balls and more. You know where your stuffed animals' noses and eyes are, and when you cuddle them you give them your dummy. You aren't walking yet, but you've gone from 3 semi-accidental shuffle steps to 14 more deliberate steps over the past few days, so I'm sure you're not far off.

You have continued to get into everything this month (I think that's called being 11 months old...) Current obsessions include cupboards and doors, taps, containers and lids. Our house got a little less childproof when you figures drawers and doors out. Eek! No longer content to fill the bath with cold water during bathtime, you now prefer to empty it, trying to stop the water from gurgling down the drain after you've swiped the plug.

We cheated and kicked off your birthday celebrations in Wellington over the weekend. And you, my dear, were a STAR. From the moment you woke up from your pre-party nap til not too long before we wrapped up the festivities you were excited, and your happy, delightful, best self. You enjoyed meeting new people, unwrapping presents, playing with the massive bunch of balloons, and swiping food from unattended plates. The rest of the weekend was more up and down, but included some lovely, snuggly Manduca sleeps, playground fun, lots of hilly running and walking for Mum and Dad, chasing pigeons and Grandma and Poppa's small, patient dogs. We're looking forward to a low-key birthday day, and a casual party with some of our local friends this weekend.

It's been a heck of a year, Chip. We are loving continuing getting to know you, and we know year 2 will be even more wonderful.

Love,

Mum

11 months!

2013-01-23T09:30:00.000+13:00

Dear Chip,

In (a little under) one month, you will be a year old. That is as amazing, marvellous and yet unsurprising for me as it is for most parents.

Your last month has been full of excitement, including:

A visit from Aunty R and Funkle A (Highlights: pub time and a walk on Maungatautari. Lowlights: car meltdowns, plural)

Your first Christmas (in summary: enjoyed present time, napped long so we missed church, loved eating dinner in your new swing)

Meeting some of our Feb babies friends (and your first go on a big kid tramp)
Meeting the rest of the family at Great Gran and Granddad's 60th anniversary party
A lovely, relaxed welcoming ceremony (Highlights: family, friends, Dr Seuss, love, laughter, bubbles. Lowlights: you had a short nap and grizzled through the whole thing!)

A few days with friends in beautiful Havelock North (Highlights: lunch at a serene vineyard, fun with baby friends, runs for Mummy and walks up Te Mata Peak and out towards Cape Kidnappers. Mixed light: seeing the New Year in with Mummy cuddles after waking up at 11:53pm. Lowlights: Few)

You have continued to grow and change. Unsurprising yes, but still wonderful to see. You have mastered going backwards down the stairs and sliding backwards off the bed. We are pretty sure we can officially count "Daddy" and "birds" as your first words. You are practicing standing unsupported, and working on getting yourself up into a standing position. You ask us to read to you, over and over again (and boy do you make a fuss if we're not quick enough). You still study your books on your own too- I have no idea what you're trying to learn, but it looks fascinating. You love turning the tap on in the tub and drinking the cold water. You know that there are plums on the plum tree and that they taste good (stone fruit in general is a huge favourite). You have rediscovered your love of bubbles, and you can spend minutes on end marvelling at the antics of mirror baby (I even have a feeling you've just about figured out who he is). You are busy as anything, full of fun and mischief, and a perfect mix of delightful and utterly exhausting.

I look forward to the changes the next month brings- in the meantime, first birthday party planning is calling!

Love,

Mummy.

10 months (another late one)

2013-01-21T22:06:00.001+13:00

Dear Chip,

You turned 10 months just before Christmas.

You didn't change a lot in any official, milestone-reaching ways, but to us you seemed to grow bigger and cleverer with every passing day. You started month 10 as our baby, but ended it as our pre-toddler.

Your grown-upness may have been due in part to your first haircut. I'd never expected it to come around so early, but the fringe was getting out of control. I'm sad that although I have before and after shots I don't have any of during because even the memory of you in a bright yellow kid's gown, checking yourself out in the mirror is enough to make me melt.

You enjoyed your first Christmas parties; with SPACE, with your "big kids" coffee group (full of [then] one year olds), and with the Cambridge Midwives. Catching up with our much-missed Heather was a treat, even though you were feeling a bit overwhelmed and had quite the screaming fit. You loved posing for the camera under the tree at our final SPACE session, and you were one of the only babies who kept the santa hat on his head!

You got to spend time with both your "Mum's side" aunties. R and A stayed with us for a beer and tofu filled night between Tongariro and Whitianga, and J and D were here later in the month for an important appointment. We travelled to Rotorua for the day after Daddy agreed to run for Mike at the Half Ironman. You enjoyed eating morning tea on the grass, paddling in the lake, and eating sand.

You continued to love books. Books, books, books! It's a recurring theme, and I hope this love for books lasts a long time.

You also continued to enjoy getting outside, though it started getting a bit hot once summer arrived. The heat also meant you started SUPER hating your carseat, so we worked on ways to keep you cool and prevent meltdowns- from stripping you down, to turning the aircon right up, to cooling the seat down with freezer packs before leaving the house!

It wasn't all fun and games. You had your first tummy bug, which had you feeling pretty rotten for a few days. And your first nappy rash, and your first fever too. That was a lot for a wee dude to deal with, but lots of snuggles and no-nappy time in the sun got us through.

Another cool month with our delightful baby.

Love always,

Mummy xx

Nine months (so, so belated)

2012-12-17T20:35:00.002+13:00

The month between October 20 and November 20 was lots of fun!

Chip's climbing and pulling up improved, he started hands and knees crawling, figured out stairs (up anyway) and learned to get himself into a sitting position. All of this added up to a much more confident, mobile little dude. Sitting, in particular, has been revolutionary for us.* All of a sudden, our busy little bee was pretty happy just to sit and "read" books for minutes at a time; I suppose because he knew he could move over and crawl away if he wanted to.

Chip's love of books was one of the highlights of this month. He'd always enjoyed storytime, but in month 9, almost every time we come into the lounge, he made a beeline for his bookshelf, and sat there reading away; getting frustrated when he couldn't turn pages as easily as he'd like (and once screaming because he'd trapped a finger in a book he was sitting on- it was horrible, and the few seconds it took me to dash to him seemed to drag on for ages; poor thing was so confused).

Summer's arrival was another highlight. We were able to spend the fussy times of day sitting outside; Chip playing with his neighbourhood cat friend while I picked and podded broad beans, unpegged laundry, or did other outside jobs (ok, ok- Chip eating dirt, trying to eat broad beans, and mauling the hapless neighbourhood cat which for some reason loves him...)

The month wasn't all fun and games. Sleep was terrible for all of us, and Chip had his first tummy bug. But overall, it was another great month with a great kid. I really am loving this big-baby, pre-toddler stage!

*we loosely followed an RIE/Pikler approach which advocates not putting babies into positions they can't get into on their own. The fact that Chip did not like sitting made it a LOT easier to stick with this approach!

Finding time

2012-11-15T22:03:00.002+13:00

It feels like the best part of the last nearly 9 months has been a battle to find ways to fit exercise in (apart from the few months when I just totally gave up).

By late October, I wanted to get back into it, but was starting to feel like I was fighting a losing battle. Not only was Toby awake all night, but he was sleeping in in the mornings with his wee head resting on my arm, removing any motivation I had for a morning sweat session. I'd looked forward to walks with Toby after cutting down my work hours, but then shortly after I started looking after him again, he decided buggy sleeps were no longer for him.

THEN, I got my a into g and started post bedtime runs twice a week with a couple of women from my ante-natal group. But separation anxiety hit. All of a sudden, he not only needed me to put him to bed (not Phil), but also started waking at random intervals, screaming unless I attended to him quickly. I gave up on my evening runs after heading out after pumping, when Toby had been asleep for a wee bit, and coming home 20 minutes later to find out he'd been screaming for 19, even when Phil got him out of bed to "play". Bedtime also went from 7, give or take 10-15 minutes, as it had been for about 6 months, to 7:30-8.

I was *this* close to giving up again, but fortunately one day I was so desperate for a run I asked Phil if I could head out during Toby's dinner time. That didn't work, but I did manage to sneak out during bathtime, and my new routine was born. I'm now getting 20 minutes in most weekdays (including some with the jogging stroller, but that is very mood dependent), and I mix it up by including tempo and fartlek efforts in it to make the 20 minutes more "worthwhile". I'm getting out for slightly longer in the weekends- doing 5km on Saturdays, and a gradually increasing longer run on Sundays (I'm up to 7km now).

It's not much, but it's showing me that every bit counts. I've taken over 4 minutes off my Saturday 5k over the last few weeks, and my old tempo effort is now my easy pace. My 3k pace is slower than my marathon pace, so it's not as if I'm running well, but I feel good again, and I think I'm not too slow for a hippo on legs!

8 months

2012-10-23T21:03:00.000+13:00

Dear Chip,

Your eighth month was about climbing. Climbing (then pulling up), pattern changing, and separation anxiety. I feel like 8 month old Chip is a completely different baby to 6 and 7 month old Chip, and like we're starting to see glimpses of eventual toddler Chip.

So, climbing. It's all you've wanted to do this month. First just climbing up onto my legs to reach the iphone.

Then using my belly and chest to pull up to standing, and then pulling up on anything and everything; couches, coffee tables, shopping bags, toy boxes, pump boxes, laundry baskets, the toilet (if only we'd let you). I'm still your favourite, though...

...and not just when it comes to climbing, right now. Separation anxiety has hit, which has been quite a challenge for both of us. Poor baby, it must be so confusing!

We've seen a lot of your cheeky side, and a lot of your proud of yourself face. You crack up when you do something "naughty" like pinching my glasses or peeing in my face (yep... true story). You're stoked with yourself when you do something clever- pulling up especially, but also smaller things like drinking water from a sippy cup or grabbing something you particularly want.

You've had a talkative month too. Mostly "Da-da-da-DA", but a tiny little "mama" once, and a few other less clear consonants and vowels too. When you started cooing away fairly early, I thought you'd be a chatterbox, but I think you've been more focussed on other things recently, so talking hasn't been a priority.

You've stepped up your eating another notch. Even in the week your grandparents stayed, Grandma noticed that your consumption increased. You haven't been keen on veges, and spat out eggplant and asparagus. You liked strawberries though, and bread, and cheese! Definitely your Daddy's son!

This month you had your first ear infection, which wasn't much fun for you, though you were a real trouper. We travelled to Tauranga for me to run 5k, and to Auckland for Daddy to race Worlds. You saw loads of family, and met your newest friend. You are trying to drop a nap (which would be OK if any of your naps were over 40 minutes) and your latest trick is resisting bedtime, which used to be the easy part of our day!

This has definitely been my favourite month yet. I love the way we can just lie down and laugh at each other for minutes on end, the way you smile when I blow kisses to you, the cheeky grin when you commando it across the room to climb me yet again. You're full of personality, which is exhausting but fantastic!

Stay cool til after school.

Mum

Choroid Plexus Cysts: A post I plumb forgot to write

2012-10-13T15:21:00.000+13:00

About a year ago, when I was 20 weeks pregnant, I wrote:

The 20 week scan, which confirmed that Chip is healthy and all major organs are present and correct and doing what they should. There was an "incidental finding" which, combined with googling and deciding I could read ultrasounds real good, sent me into a complete tailspin over the weekend, but I am now happy to rely on the medical profession who are unanimous that there is nothing to worry about.

I always meant to come back to that "incidental finding" later in the pregnancy, or once Chip was born healthy, perfect and in one piece (Apgars of 9 and 10, y'all, you can only get a little more perfect than that), but apart from a false start somewhere along the way, I forgot.

Until yesterday, when I read my buddy Brittney's report of her 19-week scan, and I was transported back in time to the ultrasound room at Angelsea Imaging...

"See here, and here? These are cysts on the brain... they're sort of pockets of water. Back before we had the blood tests for Downs they were kind of a big deal, but not anymore....but I have to note them, so they'll show on the report."

At the time, all I heard was "no big deal" and something that sounded to me like "coroplexis". We had a healthy baby boy baking away in there, all four chambers of the heart were fine, the blood was moving properly, we had avoided all of the scary things I knew could come up at the 20 week scan (an aquaintance lost her baby after discovered it had anecephaly, another had discovered a missing kidney and a bowel problem requiring major surgery, and so on and so on), and there were cupcakes for sale next door.

But of course, I am ME, so I went back to the office and started googling. I soon realised that what we'd seen were "choroid plexus cysts", three words that plagued me for the next 18 weeks and 6 days. Basically, choroid plexus cysts are nothing to worry about at all, in and of themselves, but (along with a massive number of other things), they can be a "soft marker" of chromosomal disorders; really, one chromosomal disorder, one of the nasty "incompatible with life" ones, trisomy 18. One article suggested that the finding of a CPC increased my chances of having a baby with Edwards Syndrome eightfold. If CPCs are combined with other "soft markers", the risk of having a trisomy baby rises exponentially.

I'd had good blood test results, so my initial risk of having a baby with T-18 was about one in a gazillion (lots of thousands, anyway). The CPCs took it to one in many hundreds, or fewer thousands; one of those anyway. I can't remember the detail, and going back into my emails at the time is just soul-destroying. There were no other soft markers mentioned during my scan, and we'd seen the baby's hands waving (clenched fists is a hallmark sign of T-18).

So, you'd think I'd be OK, right? Wrong. At first I was just a bit sad, but that night, I decided to google some MORE (slow learner here...), and to have a look at the DVD we got from the scan "for reassurance'. Reassurance- HA! This Expert on Ultrasounds here managed to convince herself that the baby had a short femur, a too large head circumference, a munted umbilical cord, and a few other soft markers too. I also managed to invent some kind of potential problem with my bloods- I can't even remember what it was now! In the space of an hour on google, my baby had gone from a baby with a one in a many many hundreds chance of having an abnormality to a baby who was almost certainly going to DIE. I knew I was being silly, but I spent the best part of that weekend crying, reading T-18 blogs and preparing for the worst. I read lots of reassuring forum threads, but it still didn't seem like it was something "common", it still felt like it was just me.

I never really got over it, but it got a lot easier. My midwife told me she pretty much always had a lady whose baby had CPCs (she laughed- good naturedly- when I told her about my googling... somehow she'd predicted that one). I didn't come across anyone else with CPCs for a little while, but I did learn that a few bloggers I followed had had other soft markers come up during their anatomy scans, and their babies all came out just fine. Then Lisa had her scan, and found out that the baby who was to become the gorgeous Miss Charlotte had bilateral CPCs like Chip. And I learned from that that Heather's KB also had them- I hadn't even noticed in Heather's original post, which I'd read a few weeks earlier. I still worried that my baby would be the exception, but I stopped bawling and planning for the worst, and started worrying about different bad things instead. And then eventually Chip was born, and after a few months of constant worry about SIDS, I'm not worrying so much about random scary catastrophes, and instead worrying about the basic stuff, keeping him fed, slept, healthy and happy.

So why write about this now? So the next time someone googles Choroid Plexus Cysts, there's just one more good news story coming out in the search results (even if they have to scroll forwards a few hundred pages to get here!)

A day in the life: 7 months old

2012-09-29T10:37:00.000+12:00

I've done a couple of semi day in the life posts so far, and thought with our new arrangements it was time for another. Life with a 7 month old is pretty different to life with an infant, too!

Sooo, here's a normal day in the life these days:

6:00am: Chip is up and ready to start the day. I am far from ready to start the day- 6:00 used to be the time I finished my workout, but these days I very rarely get more than a couple of hours sleep at a time, and the alarm doesn't go off until 6:30, sooo....

6:00-7:00am: I try to convince Chip to go back to sleep. If I succeed, he often sleeps til 7, which gives me a bonus lie-in and a dead arm, as he's asleep on my arm. If I fail (more common), we get up between 6:30 and 6:45.

7:00am: Phil starts our porridge and puts the kettle on then jumps in the shower. Chip plays on the floor while I keep an eye on the porridge, make Chip's breakfast (millet porridge and some bits of cooked fruit- we tried him on plain old oats recently, but he wasn't a fan), and make my (decaf) coffee. Then we eat breakfast together, which is just lovely. Chip's usually in a pre-outfit at this stage, just his styley nappy and a warm singlet.

7:45am: I shower and get ready for work, while Phil cleans the baby up and pops some proper clothes on. "Ready" these days doesn't include much in the way of makeup, and only a very quick hair straightening, so this doesn't take too long. Chip either plays on the floor in our bedroom, or sits in his swing listening to the muzak it plays. He tolerates this remarkably well for a usually very busy bee!

8:00am: I pump at home before we get to work. If Chip's still happy, Phil amuses him. If he's getting towards naptime, Phil swaddles him up [yep, my 7 month old is still swaddled. Eek] and pops him down to sleep.

8:15-8:30am: Gran arrives, and we are out the door!

[note- I realise this morning routine misses one key thing; Chip's morning feed. Well, it turns out that snacking at the Mum buffet all night leaves one without much appetite for breakfast. Sigh... ]

9am-12pm: I work. I sometimes run 10 minutes or so of errands afterwards. Chip hangs with his Gran- they often do some gardening, go for walks outside, he scoffs a bottle [turns out babies who refuse their breakfast wake up HUNGRY]

12:30-1pm: I get home. Sometimes Chip's sleeping, sometimes he's awake. I look forward to seeing him, but I'm relieved if he's asleep as it gives me time to change into my Mum clothes, eat some lunch, and...

12:45pmish: Pump again. Chip's not usually ready to eat when I get home, but I am ready to pump, and also concerned about maintaining supply.

1:00pm: Chip's up from his second nap of the day. We hang out! I aim to get out and about 2-3 afternoons a week, as Chip tends to get a bit of cabin fever if he's stuck at home all day. If we're at home, our time together generally includes stories, outside time, doing laundry together, playing Mummy gym, tickling, peekaboo, and general play. Out and about things include coffee group, errand running, park trips, swimming and visiting friends. Chip drinks from the milk I pumped, generally not as much as I like. He usually has lunch- a bit of baby food and some fruit or veges mostly. He's been super chatty and cheeky recently, especially during this period. The look on his face when he manages to pinch my glasses is priceless!

2:30pm: time for more sleep; sometimes we head out for a walk and Chip sleeps in the pram, other times he sleeps in his cot. It depends on a few things: the weather, whether I'm more in need of a walk or some free time to catch up on chores or work, how easy I think it will be to settle him, and how the rest of his day has been. I often pump but don't always manage. If I pump while Chip's awake, he sits in the bouncer while I read stories, sing songs, and play "catch" with a big soft toy ball.

3:30pm: he's up again. We play, bring in the laundry, and sometimes I do some dinner prep or unpack the dishwasher with Chip in his highchair watching. He quite likes it, especially if he has his mesh feeder, and I'm providing plenty of entertainment (funny faces, silly voices, singing and so on). The time from 3:30/4ish to 5:45 when Phil gets home can get a bit draining (as I think many parents find!). We often have a slow walk in the Manduca to look at trees and so on. Today we went to the supermarket. More commonly, I find myself doing a lot of tickling and a lot of Mummy gym!

5:30pmish: If I can, finish getting dinner ready. Tonight this meant pinboning and marinating salmon while Chip explored the pottle drawer. Phil was home earlyish, so he hung out with the baby while I finished cooking. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, Phil has swimming, so he pops in and out quickly while I manage dinner, bath and bedtime. Chip drinks.

5:45pm: Dinner!

6:30pm: Bathtime. Sometimes one of us bathes with him, other times he sits in his bath seat and splashes around.

7:00pm: last feed and bed. I pump.

7:30pm: If we haven't eaten with Chip, Phil and I eat dinner. On Tuesdays and Thursdays this is theoretically my workout time; I'm not doing much, but trying to get back in the habit. Last night I rode my mountain bike along a nearby gravel path for half an hour. Exhilarating!

8:00pm: Chores, internet and TV time.

9:30/10:00pmish: We go to bed.

10:00pm: Chip wakes for his first feed of many!

Despite the lack of sleep, I'm feeling a lot more together than I was a few months ago. It's not that I'm actually achieving any more, but I'm loving having more time with the boy, loving the sunshine, and feeling far more motivated to get things sorted during (brief) naptimes and our evening time. I miss the snuggly cuddles, but I can't say I'm that nostalgic for the early days otherwise!

Chippo and the wonderful world of food

2012-09-25T08:30:00.000+12:00

We decided before Chip was born that we wanted to try baby led weaning* with him; initially because it sounded fun but then, when I'd read about it, because it all seemed to make sense.

In simple terms, baby led weaning involves waiting until 6 months (or later) to start solids, and starting with finger foods instead of purees. However, it's more than just shoving adult food at babies and hoping they don't choke. The key thing is that it's the baby, not the parents, who dictate what and how much is eaten. As the name states- it's baby led, rather than the traditional parent led style. There's no need to trick a stubborn baby into opening his or her mouth to "fly the aeroplane in" or anything like that; instead, the focus is on learning about different tastes and textures, and slowly figuring out how to chew, and then how to swallow. The other key thing is that the baby is supposed to be included in adult meals, treated as part of the family mealtime from day 1... or day 180ish, I suppose.

We chose to start offering food shortly after Chip's 6 month birthday. He wasn't sitting as well as we wanted him to be, but wasn't slumping over either, and by this time he had been fascinated with our food for several weeks. His first foods were avocado and banana, and to be honest, he wasn't a fan of either- they made it to his mouth, but he screwed his face right up and spat them out. The next time, we offered broccoli and cucumber. Although he got excited when we put the food down, the tastes took him by surprise, and he screwed up his face a little more.

We kept at it, and within a few days he was getting grumpy if we put him in the high chair and didn't produce food quick smart- he still wasn't that into the food itself, but seemed to be loving the experience. Gradually, over the past month, he's really got the hang of it, and he's definitely swallowing some food now, but still only mushy food like potato and kumara, and bitty food like broccoli. He's had a pretty wide range of foods, including avocado, banana, carrot, brussels sprouts, yams, broccoli, cauliflower, kiwifruit, mandarin, apple, pear, beef, lamb, chicken, potato, kumara, and zucchini.

Highlights include:

watching him have his first piece of steak- like any good Waikato kid, he was mad for it!

his "shout" when he sees you eating and isn't getting any (it seems to be specific to this situation; loud but adorable!)
keeping him quiet for a good quarter of an hour with one piece of lamb (shortly after a particularly loud and prolonged "shouting" incident in a Turkish restaurant in Taupo)
watching his fine motor skills developing- one of the cutest things early on was that he didn't realise he was dropping things to pick other things up. A day or two later, he was figuring out how to hold onto a piece of food and still pick another up. Now he's working on his pincer grip and happily keeping two bits of food on the go at once. The other cute thing is that he tends to alternate between his left and right hand from day to day or meal to meal.

watching his problem solving skills develop. Today he took a piece of kumara, mushed it flat, then dug around in the mushy part to get some to eat- I'm sure it was really a coincidece, but I still think he's a genius ;)

We thought we'd solely do finger food, but I am a typical insecure Mum, and quickly got worried that he might want to eat more than he could feed himself, so after a little while we tried him on some puree. He insisted on holding the spoon himself, tried to eat the bowl, and didn't enjoy it at all, which gave me a lot more confidence persisting with BLW. But we have continued to offer mush occasionally, as I'm not always organised enough with BLW suitable food, and what I'm eating for lunch won't always work. Over the past few days, however, his enthusiasm has picked up significantly, and he's been eating much more than he used to, along with some finger food. Because he's very messy with his milk (of whatever variety and however it's served) these days, we're taking this as a cue to help him get some extra calories in, so he's now having a bit more mush, although we still give him finger food to eat and play with, and we still let him decide how much he wants to eat (we pre-load the spoon, then either give it to him, or pop it on the tray).

*I just read today that the word "wean" is used to mean different things in the UK and the US. In the UK (and in the context of blw) it means to add complementary foods. In the US, it means to offer less breastmilk.

Seven months!

2012-09-20T19:30:00.001+12:00

Dear Chip,

I can't believe another month has passed- all of a sudden, Christmas is on the horizon, which means your first birthday is in the foreseeable future.

During your seventh month:

Scooting turned to turning in circles and then to commando crawling. The first place you went? What, the entertainment area of course. Followed by the bookshelf above the one I filled with Toby toys. You loved chasing your yellow ball through the house.

Spring arrived, and we spent more time outside, looking at trees, patting a neighbourhood kitkat and me saying "gentle hands, Toby" over and over again.

I changed my hours, so I'm home with you in the afternoons. You are loving having your Gran take care of you every morning!

We bought a bath seat, making it easier for me to do bedtime by myself on Dadda's swim nights.

You steadfastly refused to say mamamama or dadadada despite our best efforts.

Ditto learning to clap. But we think you're giving waving a shot!

Many nights have been spent in our bed, because you've been on a cot strike. We're all a little tired, but at least this way we all get some sleep.

We entered the exciting world of baby led weaning. You tried beef, lamb, chicken, bread, potato, kumara, pumpkin, yam, parsnip, carrot, broccoli, cauliflower, capsicum, apple, banana, mandarin. Your favourite? meat all the way!

You have continued to love Hairy Maclary.

You are still very active and busy. You're fascinated by everything and trying to grab whatever catches your eye (though your favourites are still my drink bottle, my glasses and my iPhone).

You have continued to delight, amaze, exhaust and frustrate us every day.

9 months on...18 months off?

2012-09-03T08:27:00.000+12:00

It's no secret that I put on a LOT of weight during pregnancy. Drastically cutting down exercise and drastically increasing chicken nugget consumption will do that to you.

It's also no secret that the weight didn't exactly melt off me. You just can't keep 20 extra kilos a secret, no matter how cleverly you dress.

I've dealt with the extra weight remarkably well, in an emotional sense. I think I've kept my "Ohmigod, I'm soo fat and uuuuuugly" meltdowns down to two or three. I also think there is FAR too much pressure on new mums to get back into shape, and I grit my teeth every time I see someone who's only a few kilos above pre-preg weight moaning about looking better than I ever have!

But...I do want to lose the weight. Actually, I need to lose the weight. My GP agrees. It's not just about looking good, or getting into tri-training shape again, it's about getting healthy, especially if I want to get pregnant again in the not tooooo distant future. And without a lot of spare time for exercise (...though I'll have a bit more stroller time soon, as I am dropping my hours), that means looking hard at my diet.

So, when I went back to work in June, I also joined Weight Watchers online (yep, I'm a bit behind on blogging), and started using their online pro points tracker. I chose to do Weight Watchers for a few reasons: another new mum mate was doing it, I'd heard good things about the new pro points, it was online (and with an iphone app available), and I knew they had a plan for breastfeeding mums.

I've enjoyed tracking points- it's a bit easier than calorie counting, and the site is fairly useable (but far from the best I've used). The best thing for me is having someone else decide what my daily target is, instead of worrying all the time whether I've picked the right arbitrary number. The next best thing is that pro points are (mostly) great, and encourage fairly healthy behaviour. They're based on fat, carbs, protein and fibre, not pure calories, so there's an incentive to eat good food. I am particularly enjoying the fact that (most) fruit and veges are point free. Because I'm both fat and breastfeeding, I get a huge daily allowance, and can eat pretty much what I want without digging into my weekly allowance provided that I'm mindful with what I eat. I did struggle a little being dairy and wheat free, as that meant no yoghurt, no cottage cheese on crackers, and so on, but I got used to it, and into a reasonable daily pattern. I didn't notice any negative impact on my supply, but it's hard to measure that when my supply isn't great to begin with!

Since starting Weight Watchers, I've lost 8kg. I have no idea how heavy I was pre-birth, or whether I lost or gained in those early weeks, so the start weight comes from when I was about 6 weeks post partum. 8kg over 3 months is a slooow weight loss, which I can pretty easily blame on too many days of not sticking to my points, and also on the last month which has been hugely messy with work travel, then eating like a pig to up my supply again post- surgery (wisdom teeth. four. general). I have about 13kg to go before I'm at my initial goal weight, and a good way to go after that before I'm in fighting shape. It will be a slow journey, but I'm confident I'll get there- eventually.

Happy Fathers' Day!

2012-09-02T08:58:00.005+12:00

Happy first fathers' day to an amazing husband and father!

Love,

Kate & Chip

6 months

2012-08-21T10:00:00.000+12:00

Chippo,

You are six months old. I started drafting this over the weekend, feeling pretty matter of fact about the whole thing; after all, we've been saying "just about 6 months" for a little while now. But this morning when I woke up (well, woke up properly) with you nestled on my elbow after waking up at 6am and gnawing on the side of your cot, I felt a wee rush of emotion. How can it be that you are half a year old already? How can it be that your Aunty Rach will be home before we know it? How can it be that we need to think about Christmas, and walking, and planning your first birthday?

You have been a star this month, kiddo. Transported to Auckland for 4 nights, plopped in a strange portacot, then dragged back to Cambridge for the weekend, only to head back up the island again for another two nights! You took to hotel life like a champ; I think you liked the change of scenery, and also being able to get around pretty much the whole room by yourself!

You still roll the second we put you down, and you still aren't much closer to crawling. You're a lot more mobile though; scooching around in circles and rolling all over the place. We definitely can't leave you on the floor and expect you to be in the same place, or even the same vicinity, when we get back. You are one of the busiest babies I've ever seen. Always bouncing, moving, looking around. When all the other babies lined up nicely for a photo on the ground, you tried to roll over and squish the baby next to you. Poor Miss Summer!

You moved to your cot when we got back from Auckland, and it's been... OK. I miss having you in the room, but we're undecided as to whether or not to move the cot in. Your room is so close to ours it hardly feels different. I can still easily get to you when you wake at night without Dad even knowing you've woken.

You still have no teeth, despite another month of near constant teething pain. I really hope some pop through soon! We have had a bit of a (much welcomed) reprieve over the last couple of weeks, with more sleep and more happy chatting than we'd enjoyed for awhile.

You aren't eating solids; we've decided to do baby led weaning, and you've played with some carrot but without any real interest.

You love Hairy Maclary. When we read it to you, you lie happily on your back, pant like a wee puppy and wave your arms up and down. You even seemed to ask us to read "Scattercat" to you yesterday, and today when Dad held it up, you settled down instantly. It's very rare for you to be still, but reading Hairy Maclary seems to be one of those rare times. You also love:

your big ball with the bell in it
Mimsy Mouse, especially now that you can pull her down by yourself
my glasses
the baby who lives in the mirror
paper
your Tolo ball
your wooden spoon
posing for the camera (...sometimes...)

A lot of changes afoot for the next few months, as Dad goes back to work. No-one knows quite what's happening yet, but we'll know soon! We can't wait to watch you get more mobile, and more aware. You are such a delight, and we really do love you more every day.

6 months of breastfeeding (and 3 of pumping): Some things I've learned

2012-08-20T13:41:00.000+12:00

[Insert romanticised breastfeeding shot here... Oh wait, I don't have any]

For a researcher and a worrier, I had a surprisingly laissez faire attitude to breastfeeding during pregnancy. I knew some people couldn't, for various reasons, so I knew I had to approach it realistically (similarly to how I approached drug free birth), but I think that was literally all I knew. My plan was to feed, if I could, and for as long as I could and just to pump when I went back to work.

We're 6 months in now; a point that's gone from being my minimum to being my mid-term goal to being, well, today. In that time, we've had our share of challenges (marathon feed sessions, stomach upsets and dietary changes, fussy feeding, nipple confusion and more), but we've also been very lucky. I'll be completely honest; some days I want to just throw in the towel, but the good things so far outweigh the difficult ones, that I'm truly thankful for every day we manage to keep going. This post will probably focus more on the difficult bits, so please, keep that bold bit in mind. There is, quite simply, pretty much nothing I love more right now than breastfeeding Toby...when it's good. When it's bad? It's pretty much the worst.

The things I wish I'd learnt, pre-baby:

breastfeeding "ability" isn't binary; it's a continuum (and yeah, ability is totally the wrong word; I'm lazy, yo). It's not a "can do" or "can't do" thing; rather, there's a big line between Ms "Breastfeeding is straightforward for me" and Ms "Breastfeeding is impossible, or as good as impossible for me" and most people will fall somewhere around the middle of that. It wasn't a matter of crossing the "yep, we can do it" line, with smooth sailing from there, the way I'd sort of imagined it.
breastfeeding "ability" (using that inapt word again) is a Mum thing and a baby thing.
even when things are going well, breastfeeding is pretty hard sometimes (*at least from what I can tell). Even if you don't have an under supply or an oversupply, your supply is probably on the high side or the low side (or sometimes one, sometimes the other). On the high side? You may deal with leaking, pain, engorgement, a spluttering windy baby. On the low side, you'll probably deal with near constant worry and guilt. Either way, being a tiny creature's sole source of food can be a bit overwhelming, which brings me to....
"I'll just pump" is a totally oxymoronic phrase for SO many people, whether supply is on the high side or on the low side. First, there's the pumping itself. It can be damn hard to fit in, plenty of people can't [easily] "let down" for the pump, and you have to be careful with how you go about it, because the whole breastfeeding supply demand thing is so important in the early weeks. Then, getting your baby to take a bottle (it's been fine for us, but not for plenty of women I know). THEN, making sure the baby still likes YOU once they've gone bottle (that one has been a bit more challenging here). And finally? When you take that break and someone gives your baby that liquid gold- YOU HAVE TO PUMP AGAIN (if your supply is on the high side, because or else your boobs will explode, if it's on the low side, because or else your too-smart body will decide it doesn't need to make that milk any more). Plus, if you're pumping a lot, it can affect your supply
not knowing how much your baby is getting can be TOUGH: no matter how much I read about why it doesn't matter how much he gets (in volume terms), like almost all breastfeeding mums, I sometimes wish for a breast gauge. Although pumping and working has been tough, I've been glad to know how much he's had to drink during the day 4 days a week, and to share the responsibility for keeping his tummy full.
it's not all smooth sailing just because you're out of the "fourth trimester". Distractible four month olds, fussy five month olds, then teething, then toddlerdom. We've just come (mostly) out of a couple of months of distracted, fussy, feeding and fortunately things are going smoother now. But smoother still involves kicking, pulling off, scratching, squeezing, twisting, talking, grumping and so on...

I'm sure the next 6 months will have their own challenges- I hope we can get through them, and that I get to write another (maybe on-time) breastfeeding week post next year!

Belated breastfeeding week post 1: A little self congratulation and a lot more luck (and gratitude)

2012-08-15T20:27:00.002+12:00

Totally unrelated photo

A 7-day trial. Weekends at work; weekdays away from home. A 5.5 month old baby. Two boobs. One pump. A dwindled freezer stash (...thanks to Toby's addition of a 10pm feed at about 4 months).

From the day I returned to work in June, this trial loomed on the horizon as the single biggest threat to my "goal" of keeping Toby fully on the boob to 6 months. And Toby sat on my mind as the single biggest threat to my ability to do a good job for my boss and, more importantly, for our clients.

And now it's over, and it worked out better than I expected, and Toby is still fully breastfed, and I'm sort of proud, even though really it was: a) no big deal; and b) all down to other people and dumb luck.

I was amazingly lucky that Phil was still off work and able to travel out of town for the duration of the trial; there's no way we could have done it otherwise, as my stash just wasn't big enough (again, thank you 10pm feed...).

I'm lucky to have an understanding boss who let me slip back to the hotel room to pump at lunchtime, and who excused me from a few nights of client dinners so I could spend time with my boys (and, well, work...).

I'm lucky that Court lunchtimes are rather generous, and that our hotel was very conveniently located (I pumped in a room at Court for an earlier case up there, but it was a bit of a pain!)

I'm lucky that Court starts at 10, so even though I usually spent my mornings working, I could pump before heading out the door, and sometimes even sneak in some extra snuggles.

I'm so grateful that all of those stars aligned and made it possible for me to be lawyer-Kate and mum-Kate at the same time. And I'm incredibly grateful to have a job that, while hard, is flexible and supportive.

...but in amongst all of that gratitude, I confess to feeling a little bit bad-ass, and a whole lot awesome. And now it's time to take a whole lot of fenugreek, as a week and a half of reduced pumping means I have a lot of catching up to do!

5 months

2012-07-23T08:30:00.000+12:00

Well kiddo, you are now 5 months old! Reading my 4 month update it seems like not a lot has changed. No big milestones anyway. You still roll within seconds of being put down on your back, and you're still IMMENSELY pissed off that you can't crawl. You still can't move far, though you're getting further than you once were, and you're now "swimming" and scooting a bit more, and leaving the "head down bum up" crawl for nudie time on the spare bed.

You're still chatty and giggly and ridiculously clever. You are learning that you can make things happen, like making toys make a noise. You're also starting to realise that some things belong in certain places- the minute you get into the bath, your eyes go to the ledge where the yellow shampoo lives and you search out your duck...

Oh wait, that's something new....but the less said about how you've handled teething, the better!

This month has been a bit tough on all of us. Dad working more than expected, Mum struggling to get everything done between pumping and feeding you, you deciding not to sleep at night... But we have had some lovely adventures too- trips to Auckland and Tauranga, family walks and so on. And you have loved having Gran over to hang out with you when Dad's had to work.

You are still on breastmilk only, which is a bit miraculous to me. You haven't had any solids yet either, but we're expecting that to come in the next few weeks. You're still in your bassinet in our room. Some might say we're in a little bit of denial...

Month 6 has lots in store- solids, moving to a cot, and spending a week in Auckland while I'm in Court (EEEEK). And hopefully these teeth that have been driving you crazy make a showing soon!

Disjointed and no doubt contradictory thoughts about motherhood, 5 months in

2012-07-20T18:52:00.002+12:00

I’m not sure what I’m writing here, or what this will look like at the end. I have a feeling it will be heavily caveated, because no matter what I say it will come off as either a judgment or an excuse.

It’s sort of about me and exercise. Sort of about breastfeeding. Sort of about attachment parenting. Sort of about society and the superwoman syndrome. Sort of about balance.

I’ve made no secret of the fact that adjusting to life with Chip was a struggle. He didn’t behave how the other babies behaved, and he certainly didn’t behave how the babies in books behaved. It was hard for me not to feel like I had pretty much everything to do with that, which led to me often feeling like a completely useless mother. But I didn’t just feel useless because I couldn’t seem to keep my precious baby happy. I also felt useless because I was huge and fat and tired and not getting any exercise in and not keeping up with the housework and that sort of thing.

Occasionally, we’d have a “good” day, mostly involving a long nap, and I’d get a bit more done. Or he’d be happy and easy, and we’d be able to go out for a walk and lunch with friends. Or he’d settle easily and sleep mostly through the night. On those days I felt like supermum, and thought I had this Mum thing DOWN.

It wasn’t til about 3 months, maybe later, that I realized I had it all back to front. I’m not any more of a supermum on the days that I do chores while he naps in his cot, or on the days we enjoy walks and coffees, or on the nights I’m well rested. In fact, I’m my most super Mum on the days I cuddle him to sleep because he’s feeling yucky, or stay patient with him when he grizzles and cries all day, or respond to him 5 times overnight because he needs food or teething gel or a cuddle.

The thing is, I don’t just think I have it back to front. I think it goes far deeper than that. When your baby is born, for every voice telling you to relax and take it easy, and just spend the day on the couch feeding and eating lactation cookies, there are a thousand “voices” telling you (usually more indirectly, and not to your face) that you should be keeping house, being out and about, and getting back in shape. Easily a thousand voices telling you your baby should be napping X hours per day, should be able to be put to bed awake, doesn’t “need” a night feed, should be sleeping through by now . You can fit exercise and dinners out and everything in. More than that- you SHOULD, and if you do, you are lauded as being inspirational.

We seem to applaud mothers for getting back into triathlon training, or cooking, or working or whatever FAR more than we applaud them for actually BEING MOTHERS.

It’s NOT that I think we shouldn’t be continuing to take time for ourselves after we give birth, or that it’s wrong to want to get out for a run, if just to escape the baby thing for half an hour. It’s just that I feel like we’ve gone beyond acknowledging that it’s important for women to be able to continue to be people upon becoming mothers to EXPECTING women to just continue not only being the same people but doing the same things as they did before, despite having become mothers in the meantime.

What does this mean for me, now?

1. Acknowledging that right now, I can’t exercise, breastfeed, mother and work. Some people can (Sarah being a great example.. . WOW), but right now, I am falling asleep during night feeds, and I’ve snoozed my 6:30 alarm every day for about 3 weeks. I could try to squeeze it in between 7:45 and 8:45 every night, but I don’t want to.

2. Deciding that out of those four things, my priorities are mother, breastfeed, and work in that order.

3. Accepting that that means exercise is very much a bonus right now.

4. Deciding that I don’t need to forgive myself for making that decision; and

5. Embracing the 3am cuddles, because they won’t last forever.

Back to the Forest

2012-07-01T08:35:00.000+12:00

On Saturday, my sister and brother in law invited us to Rotorua for a spot of mountain biking. It had been nearly a year since my last visit to the forest, and even longer since I'd last hit the trails (last time was just after we found out I was pregnant, and I decided to play it safe and walk...)

We managed to get Chip, baby paraphernalia and bikes ready, and leave the house with just enough time for Phil to pick up a date scone in Tirau, before arriving at the Waipa carpark for our traditional "Rotorua picnic". I loved stepping out of the car with the baby and watching his eyes light up as he looked around, taking it all in. He's at such a curious stage at the moment, and it's thrilling to watch.

Chip was not too impressed with our picnic (hence the dummy, which is usually strictly for bedtime and car trips!), so I ate fast before packing him into his stroller and walking loops of the paddock.

Once we'd all had our fill of chicken, chippies and homemade deli salads (coleslaw and egg and potato), the girls took Chip for a walk up the hill on the forestry roads and 4wd trails. Our Phil & Ted's explorer handled the trails very well! It was a bit surreal as there has been a LOT of logging since we last went. In the picture below I'm standing next to one of my old favourite trails, which used to be totally covered in trees!

After 40 minutes, Chip woke up (as predicted), and it was time for his picnic, and an al fresco nappy change.

He wasn't too excited by his stroller on the trip down (I think the wails meant something along the lines of "I'm NOT tired, I've SEEN THESE BELLS BEFORE and WHY AM I NOT OUT IN THE TREEEES?") so I grabbed the mei tai wrap I'd stashed under the buggy, and tied it on. He liked that better, and spent the rest of the walk gazing around at the trees.

Then it was our turn. We stuck to the easiest of easy trails, and I still felt like a total noob. I used to be fitter than my sister, but less technically capable. Well, this time, I was definitely lagging in both areas! I'm glad the MTB has so many gears- I sure needed them. That's what 20+ extra kilos will do, I guess...

We ended up doing about 50 minutes in total, and by the end I was having a fantastic time. Still not riding anywhere near as confidently as I had been pre-pregnancy, but loving the feeling of riding, the wintry forest air, and so on.

Chip spent my ride sleeping in the stroller again, so we thought we could probably get away with a quick trip to the pub. Forgetting of course that of COURSE we could get away with a trip to the pub. Chip LOVES pubs, and has barely cried in his three pub visits so far...

Yep, he's our son....

The pub was a bit too exciting after a bit for a wee baby, so we had a feed in the car before driving home for bath/feed/bed, while the boys braved Hamilton on the night of an All Blacks game, and came home bearing bentos!

A new diet for a new mum

2012-06-28T03:00:00.000+12:00

As I've posted about before, when Chip was about 5 weeks old, a lactation consultant recommended that I eliminate dairy to see if it would help Chip's gut problems. It (or something), so I've stayed off dairy since. And that's not just milk, yoghurt, cheese and sour cream. That's everything that those things are IN, including most processed food, baking and so on. Then, when Chip was 11 weeks, a naturopath suggested that he was also highly sensitive to wheat and yeast, and that I should eliminate those as well.

I've now been dairy free for about 3 months, and (mostly)* wheat free too for nearly two months, and we're currently in the process of "testing" Chip to see if he's grown out of his sensitivities (...or, let's be perfectly honest, to see whether he was ever actually sensitive at all). We have some EBM I expressed prior to giving up each allergen, so we're starting by testing those. Before I add them back, I'll also test him without his Gaviscon, as we don't want to be medicating something I can manage with my diet...

...especially since, while it's been a challenge, it hasn't been SO bad! Some of me actually doesn't want to go ahead with the testing! (I'm going to anyway, partly because if he can tolerate them, I want him to be exposed to them!). I get lots of yummy, healthy food in, I don't *think* it's affected my supply (though remember, my supply isn't great to begin with), and it's making it a bit easier to stick to my Pro Points (...more on that later...)

Here are the pluses-- to ME-- of cutting out dairy and (most) wheat:

it forces me to be prepared, as eating out is so much harder
I can resist loads of naughty things I can't resist for the sake of weight loss for the sake of Chip's comfort
it forces me to eat healthy whole foods
it's encouraged us to be "creative", or at least move away from some of our staple dishes
we've learned how nice some of our staples are even without the cheese- I'll certainly be able to cut down on the piles of colby we used to have in our Monday "ombles" (omelette/scrambles), and on our Mexican nights

But here are the downsides:

dairy is a great source of calcium and lean protein, and I do get a bit sick of my alternatives
bread is a very useful thing to have on hand as a new SAHM, especially a new SAHM of a kid who likes to nap on people - it was tough adjusting to not being able to just make a sandwich or some peanut butter toast when I needed to EAT but didn't have time; especially given that I also couldn't just grab yoghurt and fruit! (yes, there are gluten free breads, but they generally taste like butt, and Chip may also have a sensitivity to yeast, sooooo....)
although we can eat a large variety of things, I am getting a BIT sick of potatoes and rice, and sometimes I really just want a pile of pasta with parmesan cheese (and other stuff, I suppose), or a cheese toastie, or a plate of Watties spaghetti
when you tell me dark chocolate is the only treat I can have, my natural response is to EAT ALL THE DARK CHOCOLATE.

And here's a pretty normal day in the life, foodwise:

Breakfast: porridge with chia seeds, banana or dates, almond butter and oat milk [Comment: Oat milk is by far the BEST non-dairy milk out there; I sometimes accuse Phil of using cow's milk!]; decaf coffee.

Snack 1: Crunchy oat-based muesli bar [Comment: not the healthiest snack-bar choice, and I'm definitely missing being able to choose whatever I want from the muesli bar aisle!] or rice wafers with peanut butter. Fruit (usually an apple or a pear)

Lunch: Almost invariably, a chicken salad using one of those packets of shredded chicken breast (not the pulverised fakey kind, the actual chickeny kind). Since it's winter, a lot of my favourite salad veges are out of season, though we can sometimes find these at the Farmers' market. But winter veges make a good salad too- mine's usually prepackaged salad greens, red cabbage, carrot, radishes, microgreens or sprouts, and maybe grated broccoli stem. I sometimes bulk it out with chickpeas, blackbeans, or falafel made with one of those mixes found in the chilled section, and add some flavour and creaminess with hummus or salsa and avocado.

Snack 2: Vege sticks with hummus or peanut butter, fruit (usually kiwifruit and a mandarin)

Dinner: Last night's dinner was chicken and white bean chilli, a favourite of ours. Our other planned meals this week include koftas with salad, hummus and falafel, stir fried tofu, and Monday-egg foo young.

Dessert: a piece of fruit, maybe a couple of dates, and a mini bar of Dark Ghana. Cup of nursing tea.

*by "most" wheat, I mean that I avoid bread and wheat flour. However, I do occasionally have a handful of glucose based sweeties, and although we are using tamari at home, I won't freak out if there's a bit of soy sauce in a restaurant meal.

4 months

2012-06-22T03:00:00.000+12:00

Happy 4 month birthday Chip!

(I haven't done on of these before, but there's no time like the present! To catch you up, here's Chip at 0,1,2 and 3 months.)

It 's hard to believe you're four months old already.

It seems like only yesterday that you were a helpless newborn who your parents just could not figure out (though it also seems like a lifetime ago), and now you're a laughing, rolling, little-boy-baby, who we've mostly got the hang of (though having the hang of you doesn't mean things are necessarily smooth sailing!)

So, what are you doing this month?

You're a rolling machine, and driving yourself crazy trying to commando crawl (and not having much luck). We think there are a few months of frustation ahead of us! You started rolling on Monday, your 17 week birthday, and I'd say you've rolled at least a hundred times since. Often 2-3 times per nappy change...

You're getting pretty good with your hands; grabbing pretty much anything we give you, and rolling around to get the things you can't reach. Your favourite trick is taking your dummy out and putting in back in by yourself. It's just a pity you're still not QUITE there on the second bit....

You've been enjoying swimming. Last time we went you chased the wee balls around like a pro, and even managed to stop eating them long enough to drop them in the bucket. You're trying to swim and catch things in the bath soon, which is resulting in awkward attempts to stand up and lurch after the ducky. Don't worry- one of us is always with you, holding you safely!

You love to giggle and laugh- especially when you're a little bit overtired. You also laugh when we pretend to eat your face, and when your Daddy plays Just Dance on the Kinect (...I'm not surprised, he does look silly...). I don't feel like you're quite as vocal as you were a few weeks ago, but you sometimes have a lot to say when I get back from work.

Your favourite book is On the Farm, though In the Jungle is a close second! You're mostly interested in eating them, but it kinda looks like you're reading and that counts!

Speaking of work, you have handled my return to work (4 days a week) like a STAR. You're being a good boy for your Dad, but keeping him on his toes enough that he realises being a SAHP isn't the easy option!

Some things haven't changed. You still don't love sleeping during the day, you still get frustrated easily, you still love a good cuddle, and you still stop crying instantly if you get popped into the bath. You're still active and nosy and super prone to cranky overtiredness. I can't get you to just drop off at SPACE any more (and by "just drop off" I mean dummy, rocking, constant patting, and keeping you in my arms). We still think you're the cutest and smartest baby around, and we're still right!

Love you!

Any questions about Chip at 4 months?

The start of a new era: thoughts after two weeks at work

2012-06-15T19:11:00.003+12:00

Being a Mum can be hard work. Being a lawyer can be hard work. Doing both? It's going to take some getting used to. But I'm going to be doing both for a bloody long time yet, eventually with more than one munchkin (we hope!), so I guess getting the "getting used to it thing" underway now is a sound idea...

I summarised a day in my life last week, and found it pretty tricky as every single thing about a day with an infant is unpredictable (for us- we are reluctant to impose a schedule on Chip, and are just trying to help him settle into his own). It's a much easier task now, though I'm still very much affected by the baby's timing!

Here's a look at a typical day in my life now that I'm in the office 4 days/week:

Sometime in the wee small hours: Wake up, feed baby (last night it was midnight - much earlier than "usual". Gah.)

Sometime between 5:30 and 7:00am: Chip's up for the day, or for his morning feed at least (today was unusual, with the baby up at 4:55am thanks to the midnight wakening).

6:30am: the alarm goes off; if I'm not up already, I get up and start quietly getting ready while Chip sleeps. I wake Phil, who makes me breakfast.

7:45am: Off to work- about a half hour drive.

8:30am-9:30am: Drink coffee, clear inbox, start working (this morning I arrived at 8:15 and had to pump straight away, as Chip wasn't ready to feed before I left)

9:30-10am: First pumping session. I can't pump as much as Chip eats in one go, no matter what I do. I know he can get that much if I breastfeed him, but am one of those people who just doesn't pump well. This morning, I was pissed off as I only got about 100ml in my first session. Pumping itself takes about 10 minutes, but the whole shebang takes 20-30, as I have to clean and sterilise equipment, get set up, etc etc.

10:30am to 12:30pm: Work. (because of the early pump, I'll be doing a second session at about 10:30/11am today)

12:30-1pm: Second pumping session. I eat lunch while I pump. (today I'll do it on the later side)

1:00-1:30pm: If I need to run errands, I can sometimes pop out in this window. But because I'm spending a reasonable amount of time on the pump, I don't really have time for a "lunch break" (which are often kind of foreign in the law world anyway).

1:30 - 3:00pm: Work

3:00- 3:30pm: Third pumping session

3:30 - 5:00pm: Work

5:00pm: Grab milk, pumping bits, lunchbag and so on and dash out the door to the carpark.

5:45/6:00pm: Home! Sometimes the kid will be clean and ready to eat, sometimes it's bathtime, and sometimes he needs a pre-bath "half feed". (If I'm home, we usually do feed/bath/feed/bed, but it's a bit more complicated going from bottle to boob, and we haven't quite got the hang of this bit yet).

6:30pm: Last feed. Phil makes dinner.

7:00pm: Put the kiddo to bed, eat dinner.

7:30-9/9:30pm: Get lunch ready for the next day, tidy the living room which is strewn with baby things, clean kitchen, watch TV with Phil.

9/9:30pm: Pump again.

10:00pm: Bed.

I've been back at work for two weeks now, and it's starting to feel like the status quo. I'm realising that this is what the rest of our lives will look like (yes, I realised that before, but it really is something that sinks in in increments), so I'm trying to figure out how to make this routine work in a more permanent way. We're managing to do most of the things I want to get done (eating, getting out in weekends, maintaining an acceptable-ish level of housework), but there's one big gap for me: exercise.

As I see it, there are two sort of windows in my current weekday:*

1- baby-permitting, in the morning either straight after his early feed (if it's out of the way by about 6:30) or while he's asleep (trickier)

2- after dinner, around 8:00pm

We've set up my bike on the wind trainer, so I'm going to try to start taking advantage of these windows occasionally. I haven't quite made it happen yet, but creating the opportunity is the first step!

*The difficulty with both of these windows is that there is some research to show that women should try to exercise straight after a pumping or feeding, and not to pump/feed again until 90 minutes afterwards. This has been criticised, but I'm still a bit nervous about it!

The end of an era. A mega-post.

2012-06-04T03:30:00.000+12:00

Time has flown, and all of a sudden Chip is nearly 15 weeks old, and I'm about to head back to work. My maternity leave is over, and it seems as if our "real life" as a family of three is starting.

Wow. I've started so many posts (mostly in my head): nursery tour (I finally finished it just before he reached 3 months), a day in the life, my new-mama (non-existent) exercise regime (do baby tricep presses count?),Chip's first swim, and so on. I'd also like to write a post about adjusting to sudden dietary changes as a breastfeeding Mum, but I really don't see that happening now.

But, I don't want to spend the whole of my grown up time (7-10pm every evening) writing those posts, so for now, here are the highlights!

Nursery Tour

Can you spy a baby?

We wanted something simple and neutral, and never actually intended it to end up so blue and yellow- it's just how the things we (OK, I) liked fit together. A few comments:

the sun decal has the phrase "Rise and Shine, Toby" written next to it in scrabble tile decals, in reference to my favourite Raffi song. Youtube it- it's awesome.
The bunting comes from my sister's wedding, and says "Toby" (remember, he's not actually called Chip). I'll move it to the wall when he moves into the cot.
We don't actually use the chair! My inlaws kindly lent us a la-z boy which is far more comfortable. The chair's neat though, and may get some use as a storytime chair in years to come.
The pictures on the wall behind the chair all mean a lot to us- there's the card from my first mother's day, a race bib from my baby shower, a picture from our fantastic Northland holiday a couple of summers ago, and a random paper mobile from my sister in Korea.
you can't really see the fantail motif, but it's there. There's a fantail sketch (purchased at 12 weeks pregnant) above the ladder shelf, and a neat fantail sign on the door. You can also see a fantail in the corner of the mosaic frame above the change table. The fantail was my good luck talisman throughout my pregnancy, so I'm glad it's featuring in Chip's room too.

A day in the life

At the moment, here's a pretty normal day:

2:30am Night feed.
3:30: Back to bed
6:30-7:30 up for the day, and breakfast. I get a bowl of porridge with oat milk made by Phil, Chip gets boob.
7:00-8:00ish: Morning nap- he never lasts long after his first feed; it's almost like another night feed, but not quite. At the moment, all naps are on me! I tweet, play games on my phone, read, and occasionally doze.
9:00ish: We're really up for the day. I dress the baby, and we hang a little before his next feed (2.5-3 hours after the last one started).
Often at this point, we go out and about- coffee group, doctors/osteo/massage appointments, SPACE (playgroup/parent education), and so on. Chip naps in the car, or if he gets grizzly, gets a catnap while we're out, usually standing. When his head gets heavy I try to sit down, and he usually wakes up! He won't (reliably) nap in his capsule or stroller, so this is better than nothing. If we're not out and about we sometimes go for a walk, as he'll usually give me 45 minutes or so of sleep in his stroller.
12:00-1pm: We're home, and it's time for another feed and another (short) sleep, again in the La-Z boy. Whether we get much playtime depends on Chip's temperament, and how much sleep he's had while out and about.
3:30ish: Another feed, and tired baby usually crashes for the afternoon- still on me. I prepare for the long haul with a full drink bottle, TV remotes, charged smartphone and books close to hand!
5:00-5:30ish: Last feed, part 1
6:00ish: Daddy's home! Bathtime!
6:20ish: Last feed, part 2 (aka, feed of doom)
7:00: BED! (for Chip)

10:00: I pump off Chip's late evening feed, as he now sleeps through but I want to keep producing it, and I've been building a store for my return to work. Then it's bed for me and Phil. Until 2:30 when the whole cycle repeats...

Exercise

The downside of our bedtime routine, and the winter, is that we no longer have early evenings for exercise, which means I'm left with naptimes (Kinect, weights, etc) and weekends. Since naptimes are on me, I haven't been getting much exercise in, apart from our walks (probably 3-5 times weekly). Now that I'm heading back to work, I'll lose those walks so I'm looking for new solutions, and am planning to try some early morning workouts, or maybe late evening workouts. I've been getting out and about a bit during the weekends, but have been giving myself a few too many weekend goals, leaving very little opportunity for exercise. #Fail! I have grand plans of getting into more of a routine when I go back to work.... Watch this space!

First swim

We finally took Mr Chip to the pool when he was about 11 weeks old, and it was fantastic. A lot of messing around for 10 minutes of pool time, but fantastic nonetheless. Chip was a bit nervous going in, and clung to me like a limpet, but once he got into the water he was pretty happy, though he didn't know quite what to make of it! (when we went again, he was a pro, kicking about and watching a pink ball floating by). Since that first trip, we've got him a pair of togs, which means I don't need to worry as much about his shoulders getting cold. Other than that, all you need is a swim nappy and you're set!

Operation Fix My Baby resumes: steps 5 and 6

2012-05-12T21:34:00.001+12:00

It turned out that there were another couple of steps in the Chip-fixing saga.

Step 5

The Grandmas at Family Centre (see Step 4) eventually came to the conclusion that his stomach pains were silent reflux, and I was ordered to the GP for a prescription (and I do mean ordered- they fall JUST short of watching you make the call…)

So, it was to the doctor’s for us last Thursday morning (missing playgroup, and interrupting a rare morning nap…) The doc had a quick feel of Mr T’s tummy and happily concluded we had a refluxer on our hands. A script for Gaviscon and we were off.

I was happy giving Gaviscon a try (I would prefer to avoid drugging him up, but not as much as I'd like to ease his discomfort), but I didn’t really feel like reflux was the answer. It’s always been one of the things I wondered about, but a few things just never quite “fit”. Then again, nothing quite “fits”! I was reluctant to go further down the reflux meds path without exploring other options, so our quest continued.

Step 6

Things had improved a lot after I eliminated dairy (see Step 1), but although he was a mostly happy wee dude, the sore tummies continued. They seemed to come a wee while after eating, usually when he was trying to sleep, and they seriously screwed with our day sleeps (which as you other parents will know, can lead to a pretty grotty evening). For the previous couple of weeks I'd been wondering if there was another food intolerance/sensitivity/allergy in the mix. Maybe there was a food flaring up his “reflux”, or maybe there was no reflux at all. I’d been food diarying for about a month, but failing to see any patterns. Basically, it seemed that Chippo had a variety of digestive issues most of the time. Maybe they weren't as bad at night, or maybe he just slept through them better- it’s hard to know.

So, trying to keep my scepticism in check, I made an appointment with a highly recommended local naturopath to get some allergy testing done.

(See that word scepticism? I realise that a lot of what naturopaths do is frequently dismissed as quackery, and that a lot of it has been scientifically discounted. BUT, when it comes to allergy and intolerance testing, EVERYTHING is a bit airy fairy, and none of the answers are clear, apart from food elimination. And the problem with food elimination is:

a) it takes 2-3 weeks for EACH FOOD; and
b) where the f*ck do you start?!

So, I figured I would take any opportunity I could to give myself a starting point for any future eliminating, but take any results with a grain of salt. Or two or three.)

The naturopath’s office was decorated with certificates and diplomas from a number of “universities” and colleges. He popped an electrode (or something) down Chip’s top, and got out his dinky machine to test through a list of foods. First, he assessed foods for compatibility, and then assessed a list of common allergens for reactiveness.

Our man scored a 5/100 for compatibility with cow’s milk, a 6 for wheat and a 3 for yeast (high is good). In terms of reactivity, he scored an 80 for gluten, 70 for lactose, 80 for casein, 75 for caffeine and 80 for alcohol (high is bad). The other foods he scored below 20 for in terms of compatibility are:

cheese (4)
pork (14)
soy milk (15)
cashews (18)
peanuts (20)

Things aren’t looking fun for the little dude!

So, what am I going to do?

Eliminate yeast and wheat (cheese is already out)
Stop using our lactose based colic powder
Keep caffeine low
Try not to overload on peanut butter
Continue not eating soy or pork (apparently I can add tofu back, though)

He scored 25 for each of barley and rye, and 30 for oats. I’m going to keep those things in for the time being. Oats are a staple, and often gluten free, and if I can avoid quitting them, I’d be much happier.
I’m not taking this test as gospel, but if it might help, I’ll try.

I'll be honest- drastically changing my diet while trying to take care of myself and an infant on nap strike AND get ready to return to work in a few short weeks has been more than a little overwhelming. It's not that hard to get your vitamins and nutrients in without eating dairy or wheat, but it takes some adjustment when all of a sudden toast is out of the picture. And couscous. And fish fingers (whaddaya mean fish fingers aren't health food?) Also? Having to "toss" nearly a litre of expressed breastmilk because I pumped it before changing my diet. Not cool at all, when you don't have a lot to spare. And well-meaning advice about whether he's getting the nutrients and so forth that he needs (answer: yes)? Not welcome.

***

That sounds like a lot of doom and gloom. It's not. We're enjoying getting out and about, usually without tears or drama. He's sleeping well in the stroller, at least for an hour or so, so I get a walk in most days. Although he's on nap strike, most days he only cries when I'm trying to make him nap in the bassinet- he's pretty happy a lot of the time if I just let him play. He's stupid cute, full of smiles and chatter and mini baby laughs, and he's enjoying discovering his hands, which is adorable. He's a pretty awesome kid, and he's growing SO FAST!

Operation Fix My Baby: A progress report

2012-04-17T19:08:00.001+12:00

[No pic- I don't have any good smilng pictures, as I'm usually too busy enjoying his cuteness!]

Three weeks since Operation Fix My Baby truly kicked off and life with Chip is very similar, but also totally different.

It seems that something has worked. We may never know whether it was eliminating dairy, visiting the osteo, baby massage, or just my baby growing 3 weeks older. But he’s a changed boy.

He’s burping like a champ, and he barely gets sore tummies any more. And when he does, they’re nowhere near as bad, and they go away much more quickly. We had a bit of the old wind when we visited my folks over Easter, but it went away after that (mostly… he’s still not a baby you can just burp and leave). Last night he had a particularly windy night feed- he was up, down, fed, burped, changed, own, re-burped and down within an hour. Not all that long ago, it was 2.5.

He's actually HAPPY a lot of the time, and when he grizzles it's often something simple to fix, like "my dummy's come out", "my Mum's not here", "my nappy needs changing." He smiles and coos and chats away. He's interested in his toys, he's chortling through long massages, and he loves "boogying" with his Dad to 80s and 90s pop hits.

~~Getting rid of~~ Reducing his digestive troubles has shown us so much about his personality, and thrown up new challenges and it seems our boy will probably not be "easy" for quite some time, if ever. He's just not one of those chillaxed, go with the flow babies who play happily on the floor during coffee group. Every single person who has ever met him comments on his alertness, his responsiveness, his wise face. We're super proud of that- what Type A lawyers wouldn't want to think their baby was the smartest on the block?

But it does come at a price, for him and for us, and requires a bit of extra thought sometimes. First, he really struggles to sleep during the day- first it's serious FOMO, which turns into stressed out overtiredness. During the day, it’s white noise, never looking at him, rocking, rocking, rocking, and sleeping in the hammock. Oh, and a super duper straitjacket swaddle. At night? Feed, burp, dummy, down. He sometimes wears a lighter, arms up swaddle. But when he pees in everything, we just put him in a nightgown and it’s much the same! Next, too much going on freaks him the hell out. He was great with some visitors over the weekend, but hated hosting coffee group today. I can sometimes get away with some TV while I feed, but I can see when he's stressed and distracted, and need to cut out some distractions. We're likely to be moved into a separate room if I go back to Family Centre, so he can feed without being too overwhelmed.

We're getting better and better with him, and learning more about him each day. And in case it sounds like I'm moaning, I'm not- I'm just finding this process fascinating. Like peeling an onion! I'm glad to have mostly stripped the "wind" layer away, and to be able to work on the "overstimulated" layer! And, as I said to a woman from my Feb babies group this evening, we're absolutely mad about his personality, and we'd take our little chatty Chip any day, tears and all!

Really, I think it's fair to say that Operation: Fix My Baby is pretty much over. Time to get on with plain ol' loving him now!

Operation Fix My Baby: Step 4

2012-04-05T19:54:00.002+12:00

Gratuitous baby picture: the tail end of a smile

Step 4 was booking a visit to the local Family Centre- a charitable trust which provides support and assistance to Mums with high needs babies, PND and the like. By the time I went in, I was feeling a bit of a fraud- Chip had been so.much.better, and his “issues” pale in comparison to a serious high needs baby, but I hoped they could help me get more in tune with some of his cues (still thinking HOW COULD THIS BE SO HARD?).

The idea is that you go in, talk about your issues, feed for them, then they help you to wind and settle your baby, provide pointers, and invite you back if there’s anything more you need (even if what you need is helpful grandmotherly ladies who will cuddle your baby while you eat or rest or sleep). Then, when your baby wakes up you feed again, wind again, and you’re sent home, theoretically to put your happy wee munchkin to bed again. Exactly what I was looking for a few weeks ago when I wailed “I just want SOMEONE to watch me and tell me what I’m doing WRONG”.

I knew they were keen on routine, and also thought they would encourage me to cry it out. I was not initially keen on routine at all, but after 6 weeks winging it with an unsettled baby, I felt that a more orderly day might help him, so was willing to give it a shot. I was NOT however keen on CIO- I don’t criticise anyone who does it, but it’s not for me and my snuggle-loving, frequently in pain, 6-week old.

I wasn't that happy after my first visit, but I'm not going to go into that here. Basically, of all the people I've spoken to about Chip, they were the first who seemed to be making me feel inadequate. Fortunately, 6 weeks, seeing results, and so much other support meant I reacted indignantly and defensively, instead of feeling insecure. I also felt vindicated- they couldn't burp him or settle him in his bassinet either, and I ended up being handed a sleeping baby and told to rock him until his next feed. They also couldn't tell his windy cry from his overtired cry (...for the record, I was pretty sure it was windy...)

And there were some helpful things. First, they recommended a different type of dummy (we were already using nuk but they recommended a rubber instead of silicone teat). Next, they used a dispenser like this for their colic powder, which is much more awesome than the stupid dropper thing I’d been using. Their wrapping style is pretty good for warm days, or days when he’s so quiet I feel I can get away with it. They were really good at saying nice things about the babies. Some I know they say to all the babies (“he’s so handsome”). Others I know were special for my Chippo (“gosh, he’s got an opinion on EVERYTHING. Has he always been this chatty?”).

Most importantly, part of their service involved weighing before and after a feed, which has provided some insights into Chip’s behaviour. He’s crap-ass at sleeping in the morning. Even today when we had very little wind/belly trouble, he decided lying around being awake was a better deal. This means he’s lazy as shit at his second feed of the day. On our first visit, he took forever to get a pathetic 90ml and I had to express some off. After his sleep in my arms he did a bit better, but took a lot of coaxing to get to 115ml (they want him to be getting 120 ml per feed). Today, he mucked around for over AN HOUR to get 85ml (…this could have been to do with his jabs yesterday). No wonder he gets cranky!

He doesn’t feed like this all the time- he’s often ravenous, and really gulps it down. But there are enough feeds like this that I can see how the bad patterns begin. I don’t know if it’s just his tiredness, or if there’s a supply/flow/latching issue there somewhere. And I don’t know how this feeding issue plays into the winding/colic/intolerance/potential reflux issues. Hopefully we’ll find out!

For completeness, my second visit was much better, maybe because we didn’t “bed in” (his first feed was at 9am, so we didn’t get there til midday), and maybe because I decided to approach it in a way that I would get what I needed and file what I didn’t for another day. Maybe because I was greeted like an old friend, and complimented on making progress. Maybe just because they called him handsome and chatty again. I’m going back in a week (Easter is in the way big time), and I’m determined to get to the bottom of this and fix this lazy sucker!

So, how am I feeling?

Mothereffing confused. One day we’re worried about overfeeding, the next it’s underfeeding. One day, I’m being put on one-sided feeding to address potential oversupply issues, the next I’m being given homeopathic lactation drops to stimulate supply. One day, I’m leaking all over the bed, the next I’m feeling saggy and empty. WHAT IS THE DEAL HERE?
Stressed and guilty again. Have I been STARVING my baby to try to keep his tummy settled?? Are his good day sleeps just the exhaustion of pure starvation?? (rationally, I know this is not the case. He has been gaining fine, and he is much happier than he was a little while ago, but....?)