The SNAIL

Crazy (Grammatically Correct) English Sentences: Part 3

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 25 Apr 2015 15:28:00 +0000

5 Crazy English Grammar Sentences (Strange But True): Part 3

Here's my latest offering. As I said in Part 1 & Part 2 (and will no doubt repeat in Part 4, Part 5...): English grammar is kinda cool. And kinda crazy. But you know that.

There are rules. And there are those who break them.

And then again there are instances when something looks like it just can't possibly, ever, in a million years be correct English. Yet it is. Here are some of those. With more to follow.

Enjoy, and comment or join our fabulous new Facebook Groups for English Teachers or English Students (or both) - details at the end of the post.

Grammatically Improbable (but correct) sentences:

1) 'I see', said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw.

2) One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas; how he got into my pyjamas, I'll never know.

3) James and Billy were asked to write about their weekend. Billy wrote 'I had some ice cream at the weekend.' James wrote 'I had had had some ice cream at the weekend'.

James, while Billy had had had, had had had had. 'Had had', had been the correct answer.

4) 'I never said she stole my money' - if you place an emphasis on one word at a time it changes the meaning, I never said she stole my money, I never said she stole my money, I never said she stole my money, etc.

5) Have you ever noticed that read rhymes with lead, and read rhymes with lead?

Also read and lead don't rhyme. Neither do read and lead!

Like 'em? Check out Part 1 and Part 2 right NOW!

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ Crazy (Grammatically Correct) English Sentences: Part 1'

Created, written, ~~borrowed or stolen~~ by Sab Will

Copyright 2015 Sab Will / Fun English Lessons ~ The Fun English Lessons Website

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Hotch Potch English Facebook Page: http://www.facebook.com/hotchpotchenglish

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Crazy (Grammatically Correct) English Sentences: Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 25 Apr 2015 14:51:00 +0000

5 Crazy English Grammar Sentences (Strange But True): Part 2

Back again with another batch, hot off the press! As I said in Part 1:(and will no doubt repeat in Part 3, Part 4, Part 5...): English grammar is kinda cool. And kinda crazy. But you know that.

There are rules. And there are those who break them.

And then again there are instances when something looks like it just can't possibly, ever, in a million years be correct English. Yet it is. Here are some of those. With more to follow.

Enjoy, and comment or join our fabulous new Facebook Groups for English Teachers or English Students (or both) - details at the end of the post.

More Grammatically Improbable (but correct) Sentences:

1) "You have just begun reading the sentence you have just finished reading."

2) "One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too."

3) "The horse raced past the barn fell."

4) "I sometimes read read as read, when it's supposed to be read as read."

5) "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo."

Buffalo! It's a noun! It's a city! It's a verb (meaning 'to intimidate')! According to the original image I saw it in: 'It plays on reduced relative clauses, different part-of-speech readings of the same word, and center embedding, all in the same sentence. Stare at it until you get the following meaning: 'Bison from Buffalo, New York, who are intimidated by other bison in their community, also happen to intimidate other bison in their community.' I'm sure they're right!

Like 'em? Check out Part 1 and Part 3 right NOW!

______________________________

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Student Facebook Group

or our

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See you there!

_________________________________________________________________________________

Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ Crazy (Grammatically Correct) English Sentences: Part 2'

Created, written, ~~borrowed or stolen~~ by Sab Will

Copyright 2015 Sab Will / Fun English Lessons ~ The Fun English Lessons Website

More Cool Places
Fun English Lessons Facebook Page: http://www.facebook.com/funenglishlessons
Fun English Students Facebook Group: http://www.facebook.com/groups/funenglishstudents
Fun English Teachers Facebook Group: http://www.facebook.com/groups/funenglishteachers
Hotch Potch English Facebook Page: http://www.facebook.com/hotchpotchenglish

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Crazy (Grammatically Correct) English Sentences: Part 1

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 24 Apr 2015 17:57:00 +0000

5 Crazy English Grammar Sentences (Strange But True): Part 1

English grammar is kinda cool. And kinda crazy. But you know that.

There are rules. And there are those who break them.

And then again there are instances when something looks like it just can't possibly, ever, in a million years be correct English. Yet it is. Here are some of those. With more to follow.

Enjoy, and comment or join our fabulous new Facebook Groups for English Teachers or English Students (or both) - details at the end of the post. Oh, and check out Part 2, Part 3 and probably many more..! English is that crazy...

Grammatically Improbable (but correct) sentences:

1) "All the faith he had had had had no effect on his life."

2) "Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?"

3) "The old man the boats."

4) "Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana."

5) "Whether the weather be fine
Or whether the weather be not
Whether the weather be cold
Or whether the weather be hot
We'll weather the weather
Whatever the weather
Whether we like it or not."

Like 'em? Check out Part 2 and Part 3 right NOW!

______________________________

Crawl On
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Want to chat about this? Cool! Check out our...

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or our

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See you there!

_________________________________________________________________________________

Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ Crazy (Grammatically Correct) English Sentences: Part 1'

Created, written, ~~borrowed or stolen~~ by Sab Will

_________________________________________________________________________________

In My Experience...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 04 Oct 2013 11:20:00 +0000

Understanding Scientific Research Papers

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a PhD dissertation or academic paper anywhere!

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN" - I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT" - These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS" - An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY" -
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN" - This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT" -
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed / funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE" - Once

"IN CASE AFTER CASE" - Twice

"IN A SERIES OF CASES" - Three times

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT" - I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT" - A couple of others think so too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" - Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS" - Rumour has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS" - A wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA" - Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS" - I don't
understand it.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES" - They don't understand
it either.

"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS" - Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY" - A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD" - I quit.

______________________________

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'In My Experience...'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Déjà Vu

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 04 Oct 2013 11:03:00 +0000

Ever feel like you've...

...milked this cow before: déjà moo

...seen this strange animal before: déjà gnu

...smelled this bad odor before: déjà phew

...visited this menagerie before: déjà zoo

...scared this person away before: déjà boo

...read this mystery book before: déjà clue

...been in this courtroom before: déjà sue

...felt this bad before: déjà rue

...felt this sad before: déjà blue

...expanded this way before: déjà grew

...seen this slime before: déjà goo

...learned this stuff before: déjà knew

...waited in line before: déjà queue

...eaten this dinner before: déjà stew

...pursued this person before: déjà woo

...forgotten this your name before: déjà who

...had this feeling of deja vu before: déjà too

...seen these twins before: déjà two

...been on this airplane before: déjà flew

...came up with this innovation before: déjà new

...fed these pigeons before: déjà coo

...sketched this portrait before: déjà drew

...ended this relationship before: déjà through

...felt this ill before: déjà flu

...sheared this sheep before: déjà ewe

...munched on this gum ball before: déjà chew

...sat through this sermon before: déjà pew

...played in this wet grass before: déjà dew

...admired this scenery before: déjà ooo

...lost it under the bed before: déjà shoo

...exposed the real facts before: déjà true

...changed this nappy (diaper) before: déjà poo

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Déjà Vu'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Punification Parlour

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 04 Oct 2013 10:29:00 +0000

Clean Harmless Pun...

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra .

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.

The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.

The old man didn't like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

______________________________

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Clean Harmless Pun'

Created & written by Sab Will

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The Three-Toed Tree Toad

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 25 Jan 2013 07:23:00 +0000

Croak: The Three-Toed Tree Toad!

A Terrible Toad Tongue Twister... if you don't make a mistake, we won't believe you :-)

A tree-toad loved a she-toad

Who lived up in a tree.

He was a two-toed tree-toad,

But a three-toed toad was she.

The two-toed tree-toad tried to win

The three-toed she-toad's heart,

For the two-toed tree-toad loved the ground

That the three-toed tree-toad trod.

But the two-toed tree-toad tried in vain;

He couldn't please her whim.

From her tree-toad bower,

With her three-toed power,

The she-toad vetoed him.

______________________________

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Croak: The Three-Toed Tree Toad'

Created & written by Sab Will

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How To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 24 Jan 2013 22:01:00 +0000

What Are You Wearing..?

You know when the phone rings, at home, when you're in the middle of dinner and you really don't need to talk about life assurance at precisely that moment but you're not quite sure how to politely tell them to bugger off..? Well this could be the answer to your prayers, print out and keep near phone - you'll thank me that you did!

How To Get Rid Of Telemarketers:

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

6. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about lots of HUMAN blood?

9. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, neither!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at
your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder... louder...

20. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

______________________________

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'How To Get Rid Of Telemarketers'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Disorder in Court

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 19 Nov 2012 07:59:00 +0000

Order. Order!

About every five years, a little book is published called "Disorder in the Court."
They're things people actually said in court, word for word. Reading is believing...

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Sweatpants and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were
sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw
this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George."

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

______________________________

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'How To Give A Cat A Pill'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Poems You Really Should Know (pt.37)

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 18 Nov 2012 21:32:00 +0000

The Two Old Bachelors

Two old Bachelors were living in one house;
One caught a Muffin, the other caught a Mouse.
Said he who caught the Muffin to him who caught the Mouse,-
"This happens just in time! For we've nothing in the house,
Save a tiny slice of lemon and a teaspoonful of honey,
And what to do for dinner - since we haven't any money?
And what can we expect if we haven't any dinner,
But to lose our teeth and eyelashes and keep on growing thinner?"

Said he who caught the Mouse to him who caught the Muffin,-
"We might cook this little Mouse, if we only had some Stuffin'!
If we had but Sage and Onion we could do extremely well,
But how to get that Stuffin' it is difficult to tell" -

Those two old Bachelors ran quickly to the town
And asked for Sage and Onions as they wandered up and down;
They borrowed two large Onions, but no Sage was to be found
In the Shops, or in the Market, or in all the Gardens round.

But someone said,- "A hill there is, a little to the north,
And to its purpledicular top a narrow way leads forth;-
And there among the rugged rocks abides an ancient Sage,-
An earnest Man, who reads all day a most perplexing page.
Climb up, and seize him by the toes!- all studious as he sits,-
And pull him down,-and chop him into endless little bits!
Then mix him with your Onion, (cut up likewise into Scraps,)-
When your Stuffin' will be ready - and very good: perhaps."

Those two old Bachelors without loss of time
The nearly purpledicular crags at once began to climb;
And at the top, among the rocks, all seated in a nook,
They saw that Sage, a reading of a most enormous book

"You earnest Sage!" aloud they cried, "your book you've read enough in!-
We wish to chop you into bits and mix you into Stuffin'!"-
But that old Sage looked calmly up, and with his awful book,
At those two Bachelors' bald heads a certain aim he took;-
And over crag and precipice they rolled promiscuous down,-
At once they rolled, and never stopped in lane or field or town,
And when they reached their house, they found (besides their want of Stuffin',)
The Mouse had fled;- and, previously, had eaten up the Muffin.

They left their home in silence by the once convivial door.
And from that hour those Bachelors were never heard of more.

- Edward Lear

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'How To Give A Cat A Pill'

Created & written by Sab Will

_________________________________________________________________________________

How To Give A Cat A Pill

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 15 Nov 2012 17:27:00 +0000

How to Give a Cat a Pill

Anyone who doubts that cats have personality should find this little fable edifying...

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to
wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make a house call.

______________________________

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_________________________________________________________________________________

Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'How To Give A Cat A Pill'

Created & written by Sab Will

_________________________________________________________________________________

No Egg In Eggplant

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 15 Nov 2012 17:00:00 +0000

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?

Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'No Egg In Eggplant'

Created & written by Sab Will

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The Horrors of our Trade

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 15 Nov 2012 16:13:00 +0000

The horrors of our trade have long been recognised, as witnessed by the following early 17th century diatribe against learning. The spelling has been modernized:

"Out upon it, who would be a Scholar? Not I, I promise you; my mind always gave me (that) learning was such a filthy thing ... In speech is the Devil's Pater Noster: Nouns and Pronouns, I pronounce you as traitors to boys buttocks: Syntaxis and Prosodia, you are nothing but to get a schoolmaster two pence a week."

- Thomas Nash, "A Pleasant Comedie called Summer's Last Will and Testament

*The remark about boys' buttocks, of course, refers to the much honoured stick and cane method of reinforcing the learning process! And as for the salaries, things haven't changed that much after all!

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Horrors of our Trade'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Cuddle? Sex?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 14 Nov 2012 14:30:00 +0000

Cuddle? Sex? Never the twain shall meet?

One of those rather intriguing brain ticklers which leaves you asking some rather profound questions about how things work, including the brain and even sex...

The point is, did you read the second sentence before questioning or understanding the first properly. How long did it take you to realise that you'd read 'then' as 'than'?

If so we're experiencing the power of set patterns in the brain and isn't it a pretty sight?

We're also experiencing the fact that anything involving sex immediately takes priority over something as mundane as grammar. Food for thought.

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Cuddle? Sex?'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Three and a Half Inch Floppies & Other Curiosities

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 13 Nov 2012 10:26:00 +0000

Memory, application, program(me), for crying out loud.

Look what modern civilisation has done to these steadfast and stalward members of our lexicon...

I was one of the first to do a then-called 'O'-Level exam in computering, and remember my excitement at the feeling of forerunning and being in at the start of things.

Now my three year-old can browse and select, pause and skip You Tube videos like a pro. Tube? Tube???

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Déjà Poo'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Words To Do Your Worst By

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 12 Sep 2012 14:55:00 +0000

According to... Cambridge ESOL,these are some words learners have serious problems pronouncing...

Try pronouncing them as they're spelt - (fonetikaly, that is) - and you'll start to see the problem.

According to Cambridge ESOL we should be woefully wary of these treacherous traitors...

And as you look through them you can appreciate the problems. They're monsters!

Cambridge ESOL asked for learners to contribute their own list of dastardly devilish words and this is a selection of them. Probably just as scary as the list above.

Even I've had problems with a few of them.

So goodness knows what non-native speakers must think of these linquistic lepers...

But that's not the concern of The SNAIL. We lafff, I mean laugh at such idiosynchratic anomolies. It's all part of the game. And if you don't want to play, don't put your money down, as they say...

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Déjà Poo'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Déjà Poo

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 06 Sep 2012 02:58:00 +0000

Now why didn't I think of that? So Appropriate for so much of today's B.S... politicians, for example...

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Déjà Poo'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Space To Breathe

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 09:41:00 +0000

Why does 80% of my writing slam to mind every time I read this cartoon as if it were trying to tell me something about the quality of my prose I suppose... I could go on... and usually do... but just for once...

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Space To Breathe'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Free Pussy

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 29 Aug 2012 12:05:00 +0000

Cat lovers of the world unite...

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Homographic Homophonic Autantonyms

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 28 Aug 2012 14:10:00 +0000

I think 'draw', as in 'draw the curtains' - which could be open or close them - is one too.

Darn tricky things they are, whatever the case...

Here are some more from Wikipedia...

"Apparent" can mean "obvious" or "seeming, but in fact not".
"Back" can mean "regressive" as in "to go back in time", or it can mean "progressive" as in "to push back a deadline".
"To buckle" can mean "to fasten" when used transitively or "to bend then break" intransitively.
"To cleave" can mean "to cling" or "to split".
"Fast" can mean "moving quickly" as in "running fast," or it can mean "not moving" as in "stuck fast."
"To overlook" can mean "to inspect" or "to fail to notice".
"Oversight" (uncountable) means "supervision", "an oversight" (countable) means "not noticing something".
"Off" can mean "deactivated" as in "to turn off", or it can mean "activated" as in "the alarm went off".
"Refrain" means both non-action and the repetition of an action, e.g. in musical notation.
"To sanction" means "to permit", and also "to punish".
"Shelled" can mean "having a shell" or "has had the shell removed" (as in shelling).
"To stint" means "to stop", but the noun "stint" refers to the interval of work between stops.
"Strike", in baseball terms, can mean "to hit the ball" or "to miss the ball".
"To weather" can mean "to endure" (as in a storm) or "to erode" (as in a rock).
"Weedy" can mean "overgrown" ("The garden is weedy") or stunted ("The boy looks weedy").
"To dust" can mean to remove dust (cleaning a house) or to add dust (dust a cake with powered sugar).
"Yield" can mean "to produce" (as in a chemical equation) or "to concede" (as in driving).
"Resign" can mean "give up or quit" or "continue".

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?'

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A As In... (The Alphabet For Today's Kids)

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 27 Aug 2012 19:52:00 +0000

Forget Alfa, Bravo, Charlie and Delta, nevermind Echo and Foxtrot, things have moved on mightily from the days of Second World War movies and police series...

These days you're more likely to hear kids saying, well, something like what's shown in this chart below, for example.

Here's the original NATO alphabet from the old days, by the way, just for interest (you can tell it's old, look, even the pixels are yellowed with age)... Over and out.

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 25 Aug 2012 22:40:00 +0000

While we (the majority of the human race) were losing sleep over frivolities like "Why is the grass green?" and "What on earth am I going to do for my next lesson?", the greatest thinkers of all time were considering an altogether greater problem: Why, indeed, did that legendary chicken cross that fateful road?

Plato:
For the greater good.

Karl Marx:
An historical inevitability

Tomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Douglas Adams:
Forty-two.

Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Oliver North:
National security was at stake.

Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.

Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Salvador Dali:
The Fish.

Emily Dickinson:
Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus:
For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann Friedrich von Goethe:
The eternal hen-principle.

Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg:
Uncertain.

David Hume:
Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein:
An unprovoked act of rebellion.

Pyrrho the Skeptic:
What road?

The Sphinx:
--

Sappho:
The hen on the other side was more fair than all of Hellas' fine armies.

Henry David Thoreau:
To live deliberately.

Captain James T. Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Machiavelli:
So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for who among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates:
Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

Bill Clinton:
No one has ever offered one shred of evidence that the chicken went anywhere near the road. Anyway, answering this question will not educate a single child or provide a single senior citizen with medical care.

Hillary Rodham Clinton:
Wait a minute! Chickens? That's domestic policy! You promised that to me, Bill!

Al Gore:
To get ... to the other ... side.

Barack Obama:
Because it could.

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Yeah, Right!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 24 Jul 2012 12:49:00 +0000

Another of those... funny Facebook things which has done the rounds but is worth seeing once at least.

Loving English double negatives opens the door to understanding all sorts of foreign languages. I still can't see why my parents always went apoplectic every time I said that 'I ain't got no money' or whatever.

AH! So you have some then, my father would proclaim, triumphant, and my argument would be lost.

Then again, I still had the Rolling Stones and their 'I can't get no (satisfaction)' to back me up. For some reason it never worked.

Yeah, left...

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'I Am Hungary'

Created & written by Sab Will

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I Am Hungary

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 13:23:00 +0000

One of those... funny Facebook things which has done the rounds but is worth seeing once at least. Looks like a fun game you could even try at home. But what else could you do? Jamaca lesson on countries if you're an English teacher..? I s'pose you could if you francy it... but would English teachers have what it takes..? Oops, I'd better stop before icelander anyone else...

I am hungary...

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'I Am Hungary'

Created & written by Sab Will

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One Buffalo, Two Buffali

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 02 Jul 2012 21:47:00 +0000

I know, I know... you've seen these a million times, but if I'm to offer you everything funny that's ever been written about the weird and wonderful English language we have to stop by the classics from time to time.

One Buffalo, Two Buffali

A goose and a goose make... two geese. A moose and a moose make... two meese? A mouse and a mouse make...two mice. A grouse and a grouse make...grice? Greese?

One buffalo, two buffali? That sounds good, give it a try. It may be wrong, it still might fly. One buffalo, two buffali.

An ox and an ox make... oxen. A fox and a fox make...foxen? A cow and a cow make... cattle. A sow and a sow make sattle? Seattle?

One kangaroo, two kangari? Works for me. Give it a try. It may be wrong. It still might fly. One kangaroo, two kangari!

A bunch of crickets... make a racket. A whole pack of jackals... make a jacket? Bucks make a bucket. Ducks make a ducket. Do a whole bunch of duckets... make a quacket? Why not?

A pooch and a pooch... make a peach. A leech and a leech make... two looch. A roach and a roach make... two reach. A priest and a priest... what? Preach?

One caribou... two carabi? I love it, give it a try. It may be wrong, it still might fly. One caribou. Two carabi.

Twelve inchworms... make a foot worm. That's one long and skinny shaped worm. Two footworms... make a feet worm. Which you measure, with a tapeworm.

A gnu and a gnu make... two gnee. A shrew and a shrew make... two shree. A pair of canaries. How sweet! That's called a parakeet.

One buffalo, two buffali. One caribou, two carabi. One kangaroo, two kangari. One buffalo, two buffali.

Hey, Mary-Kate, what's a lot of baby tooths? Baby teeth. What's a lot of Baby Ruths? Baby Reeth? A lot of hippos? Hippies! Two buzzards? A blizzard.

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'One Buffalo, Two Buffali'

Created & written by Sab Will

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