The SNAIL

Shit Happens

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Sat, 19 May 2012 11:36:00 +0000

Or the story of how a humble little word took on the combined might of the world's great religions - and won

Taoism
Shit happens

Confucianism
Confucius says, shit happens

Buddhism
If shit happens, it isn't really shit

Zen
What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism
This shit has happened before

Islam
If shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Protestantism
Let shit happen to someone else

Catholicism
If shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism
Why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism
I don't believe this shit

Agnosticism
What is this shit?

Innergy
Just observe the shit passing by

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Wonderful Words: Part 2'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Wicked Wordplay

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Fri, 11 May 2012 07:36:00 +0000

Neologosis

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some inventive winners from a few years back:

Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Fortissimoe: the musical moment produced when someone serially slaps the faces of the first-violin section.

Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.

Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of ironic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

Conratemps: the resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers.

Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.

DIOS: the one true operating system.

Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: terminal coolness.

Writer's tramp: a woman who practices poetic licentiousness.

Guillozine: a periodical for executioners.

Osteopornosis: a degenerate disease.

Adulatery: cheating on your wife with a much younger woman who holds you in awe.

Emasculathe: a tool for castration.

Emasculatte: a coffee drink for chemical castration.

Burglesque: a poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer?

Glibido: all talk and no action.

Antifun gal: a prude.

Vaseball: a game of catch played by children in the living room.

Eunouch: the pain of castration.

Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham palace.

Deifenestration: to throw all talk of God out the window.

Hozone: the area around 6th street.

Acme: a generic skin disease.

Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Hindprint: indentation made by a couch potato.

Intaxication: euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Nazigator: an overbearing member of your carpool.

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Wonderful Words: Part 2'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Wonderful Words 2

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Thu, 10 May 2012 15:05:00 +0000

Wonderful Words
Six of the Best: Part 2

Ever wondered why we go on honeymoon or eat sandwiches in the drawing room? Let's look at the fascinating origins of everyday words we never even think about:

steeplechase
originally the name of a horse-race across country where a church steeple was the riders' target

mesmerize
after Franz Mesmer, an Austrian physician who first propounded the theory of 'animal magnetism'

schmuck
of Yiddish origin, in German this means 'jewelry'. It's American English meaning is 'an idiot' or something similar

two-bit
meaning something of little worth or importance, from the days of the Spanish conquistadors back in the 18th century when their dollar was divided into eight 'reals' or bits

ketchup
hotly disputed, but may come from the Chinese kôe-chiap or kê-chiap, meaning 'the brine of pickled fish

attic
plundered from the Greek peninsula Attica, where, apparently, the space under the triangular roofs was being put to good use

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Wonderful Words: Part 2'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Wacky Word Quiz: No.2

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 13:38:00 +0000

SNAIL: Wacky Word Quiz No.2

No need to deny it: English is W-E-I-R-D. Or is that wierd? I never now. I mean no... err...

And nowhere more so than on the SNAIL Wacky Word Quiz. Enjoy and... LOTS of luck; you'll need it. As I did writing the thing. I hereby lay claim to all errors, mistakes and cock-ups before anyone else tries to take them away from me. Go!

<p>&amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;Your browser does not support iframes.&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt; &amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;gt;</p>

Feel free to leave your comments or queries in the Comments section below. There's no guarantees I'll be able to add anything worthwhile, but your participation is much appreciated all the same.
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The SNAIL

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Wacky Word Quiz: No.2'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Wonderful Words 1

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 10:44:00 +0000

Six of the Best: Part 1

Ever wondered why we go on honeymoon or eat sandwiches in the drawing room? Look at the fascinating origins of everyday words we never even think about:

drawing room
used to be the withdrawing room and the ladies did so after dinner so the guys could give each other lung cancer in peace and quiet (and smoke)

funny-bone
said to be a pun on the real name, the humerus, of the bone, or rather the attached nerve, that goes 'twang' when you hit said nerve and of course isn't funny at all

honeymoon
newly-weds used to customarily drink honey wine for the first month (or moon) of their marriage

foolscap
a 'fool's cap' was formerly used as a watermark when producing this size of paper

canter
medieaval pilgrims travelling to Canterbury would usually travel at a pace known as the 'Canterbury gallop', which is a bit less than a gallop

sandwich
after the notorious 4th Earl of S, who allegedly dreamed up the idea to keep him going at the gaming table
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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Lest We Forget'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Lest We Forget

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 22:05:00 +0000

Lest We Forget

We're all gonna go one day, and when we do, will we know before we go?

In any case, someone will, maybe, if we're lucky, in a manner of speaking, say something about us after the event, with, or indeed without, our consent.

Ultimately, the best bet might be to write our own epitaph, before someone else does it for us (and why not with a bit of humour to boot?)...

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Gone but not Forgotten

This troubled world is sighing now,

The flu is at the door;

And many folks are dying now

Who never died before.
Anon

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On a Dentist

Stranger, approach this spot with gravity:

John Brown is filling his final cavity.
Anon

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On Leslie Moore

Here lies what's left

Of Leslie Moore

No Les

No more.

Anon

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On John Bun

Here lies John Bun;

He was killed by a gun.

His name was not Bun, but Wood;

But Wood would not rhyme with gun,

And Bun would.

Anon
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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Lest We Forget'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Mensa Is As Mensa Does

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 20:42:00 +0000

Do You Mensa?

If you look up 'mensa' in the dictionary you get two or three varying definitions.

One is a table-top slab used in weird Roman Catholic rituals.

The second would be a faint constellation in the polar region of the southern hemisphere and containing part of the Large Megallanic Cloud. That would have been my first reaction, obviously.

And the third definition is an international organisation dedicated to passing a so-called 'IQ' test which basically offers the ultimate conclusion that you are good at passing IQ tests. What that says about you as a human being remains fuzzy.

But they generally feel it Means Something.
And this ad (below) is an incitation to join the Australian Mensa club.

I joined the British one once, a long time ago. Which obviously lays me open to accusations of a) partisanship, b) subtle showing off (if you still believe getting a high score in an IQ test has significance), c) deep-inset insecurity (if you don't).

The experience was... edifying. The best of times involved discussing with other Mensans why we would want to belong to such an embarrassingly elitist organisation. The worst of times involved pretentious dickheads who thought they were above everyone else. How wrong they were.

Anyway, here's the ad. I personally found it smile-inducingly funny, but wouldn't take that as evidence that I have an IQ of 150. I've always ridiculed the test as basically testing whether you are good at taking IQ tests. And after I had worked my way through an 'IQ test preparation' book my score instantaneously and miraculously improved by about 20 points.

Ain't self-centredness sweet?

Having said that, I'd love it if people got more of my jokes...

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Thoroughly Thoughtful'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Thoroughly Thoughtful

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 21:36:00 +0000

Thoroughly Thoughtful

Whilst the list below is far from original, the aim of SNAIL is to eventually unite as many of the most intriguing, amusing and why not plain silly quirks and curiosities the English language has to offer us.

For this reason contributions in the spirit of SNAIL are more than welcome. Why not submit your favourites so that we can all enjoy them?

In the meantime, marvel once again at just how fiendishly twisted language learners must find our English pronunciation and spelling conventions. Or rather lack of them.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I want it to be on record that I will record my Record.

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Thoroughly Thoughtful'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Gotta Lotta Welly

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 20:53:00 +0000

Gotta Lotta Welly

This must be the king of all tongue twisters. I defy you to find someone who can say this faster and faster without pretty quickly ending up just mindlessly going 'welly-welly welly-welly welly-welly welly-welly" and for some reason spontaneously cracking up into peals of laughter, English student or, even better, not.

And this is what you should say, slowly at first, and then faster and faster...

Red Welly, Yellow Welly

Red Welly, Yellow Welly

Red Welly, Yellow Welly

Red Welly, Yellow Welly

...

See? Told ya! Enjoy :-D

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Gotta Lotta Welly'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Can U Dig It?

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 21:29:00 +0000

Can U Dig It?

"The story, which is a true one, is that there is this nutball who digs things out of his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institution, labelling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds.

This guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway... here's the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution.

"Lest we think we have challenges in responding, at times, to our constituency, I send this to you all as an exemplar of a public servant's considerate and thoughtful response." (original source unknown)"

Smithsonian Institution
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled 93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post . . . Hominid skull. We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be Malibu Barbie.

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loath to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with the institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of the recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 A.D., and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hypenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand upon your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities"

So there you have it. Draw your own conclusions. And may the farce be with you ;~Sab

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Can You Dig It?'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Hugh & Laurie: "Suitable Poetry"

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 19:47:00 +0000

The Last Word In Poetry..?

A lovely bit of Hugh and Laurie, made even better by the fact that you can see they're on the point of losing it a few times, with smirks concealed by nose rubs and suchlike. Enjoy.

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As a bit of a poet myself (with even more here), I can only take great delight in this fun-poking bit of tomfoolery.

The genius of this pair always pleases me. It didn't always work, but when it did, it was magic.

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Hugh & Laurie: "Suitable Poetry"'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Holy Cow, Vatman!

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 21:27:00 +0000

Holy Cow, Vatman

I'm not at all political really, but this one tickled my fancy from a few years back. Still pretty relevant today too, by the looks of it...

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Bureaucracy (European)

You have two cows. Brussels tells you how to milk them and pays you not to milk them. Then Brussels kills one, milks the other, throws away the milk and makes you fill out a form to declare your missing cows.

Capitalism (Universal)
You have two cows and big ambitions. You sell one of your cows and buy a bull.

Capitalism (of Hong Kong)
You have two cows under a leasing plan. You sell 3 to a company evaluated by financial places, using lettres de créances opened by your brother in a bank. Simultaneously you proceed with an exchange of participations and a public offer. You get 4 cows with a tax reduction for 5. Then you kill 2 of them because the cowhome direction (feng shui) is bad. The currency crashes and you create a global crisis.

Communism (Orthodox)
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you to look after them and you share the milk with them.

Communism (Russian)
You have two cows. You must feed and milk them but the government takes all the milk.

Democracy (Pure)
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who will take the milk.

Democracy (Representative)
You have two cows. Your neighbours nominate someone to decide who will take the milk.

Democracy (American)
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for them. Just after being elected, the president is under an impeachment procedure for flirting with the milk maid. The press calls the scandal Cowgate and wants to make the Head of state resign.

Democracy (British)
You have two cows. You feed them with sheep brains and they become mad. The government does nothing.

Democracy (of Singapore)
You have two cows. The government charges you with keeping cows in your apartment.

Dictatorship
You have two cows. The government takes your cows and puts you in front of the firing squad.

Green
You have two cows. The government forbids you to milk them.

Militarism
You have two cows. The government enlists you in the army, confiscates your cows and feeds you on their milk.

Politically correct
You have a relationship (the concept of property is much too close to a phallocentric past) with two bovines of a non-specific breed, sex and weight (despite 3 Weight Watchers diets).

35 hours
You have two cows. One eats in a private field, the other in a public field. The government orders you to make them work a 35 hour week. They will produce less milk and still eat the same. You think you can solve the problem. Martine Aubry explains that you have to be better organised and gives you a bale of hay.

35 hours (elsewhere)
You have two cows. One eats in a private field, the other in a public one. The first wonders how to produce in 35 hours what she does in 42. The second wonders how to produce in 35 hours what she does in 32.

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Holy Cow, Vatman!'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Sab's Fab Quirky Language Quiz No.1

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Sat, 04 Jun 2011 09:44:00 +0000

Share Us!

Fun Language Quiz No.1

Hi everyone! I just realised that I could still access an old OLD site of mine I started back in 1997ish which I found lurking in the backwaters of the net, not accessible by the normal means.

And what's more, I realised that there is a ton of fun language stuff on there, including... some wonderfully quirky language quizzes, so I'm going to republish them here for everyone's delectation and delight!

They're short, fascinating and I'll give you the answers once a few of you have had a go - OK? So here we go with No.1, and don't forget to comment!

Sab's Fab Quirky Language Quiz No.1

1) Name ten everyday parts of the body with 3 letters - no slang or vulgarity please!

2) Translate this traditional French verse into English:

Un petit d'un petit
S'étonne aux Halles;
Un petit d'un petit
Ah! Degrés falles.

3) Name the origins of these coleopterous food references:

a) Cool cherry cream and a nice apple tart
b) Tangerine trees and marmalade skies
c) Semolina pilchard

4) What is found between a 'hanging-post' and a 'banging-post'?

More language fun coming soon! I'm always keen to read and pass on great language-related pieces, so do send them in and I'll give you whatever namecheck and link you like. Thanks for visiting, and...

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Sab's Quirky Language Quiz No.1'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Totally Credible! Believable. UNWOW!

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Sun, 07 Nov 2010 13:46:00 +0000

Definitely shevelled

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Ibcnreidle But Ture...

Thanks to Jamie, from the USA, for this impressive story, possibly from an old issue of the New Yorker magazine by someone called Jack Winter. Still just feeling trigued? Maybe this will change your mind...

How I Met My Wife

It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate. I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.

I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would do.

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.

So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads or tails of.

I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated--as if this were something I was great shakes at--and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

Maculate in the extreme

Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.

She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation became more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal.

We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Totally Credible! Believable. UNWOW!'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Wluod You Bieelve It?

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 22:15:00 +0000

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Ibcnreidle But Ture...

From regular reader Jamie, from the USA, comes this fun little phenomenon: no explanation needed - it's all in the text. But is there any possibility you can actually understand the gobbledygook below? Check it out: you'll probably be surprised...

"I cnduo't bvleiee taht I culod aulaclty uesdtannrd waht I was rdnaieg. Unisg the icndeblire pweor of the hmuan mnid, aocdcrnig to rseecrah at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mttaer in waht oderr the lterets in a wrod are, the olny irpoamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rhgit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whoutit a pboerlm. Tihs is bucseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey ltteer by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Aaznmig, huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghhuot slelinpg was ipmorantt!"

So how aubot taht?! Tnakhs Jimae, and keep snenidg in yuor criibuttoonns - tre'hye vrey wlemoce :-)

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Wluod You Bieelve It?'

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Big Noses Run In My Family

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 14:48:00 +0000

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When in need of inspiration...

...recycle the classics! Here's one of those many wonderful fun-pokes at the good old English language - enjoy... and wonder.

Big Noses Run In My Family

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you can fill out a form by filling it in and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this column, I end it!

~ Author Unknown

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Euphemisms For Beginners

My Dear - Come To Me

Come On Toshi, Come On.. (You're so good)!

The Anti-Grammar Rules: Top 10 List

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Big Noses Run In My Family'

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More creative Sab: Paris Set Me Free

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The Rain Peas Mainly On The Plain

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 21:54:00 +0000

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Some of the sweetest poems...

...can be some of the shortest, simplest and most - dare I say it - poignant.

Here's an example of genuinely one of the first poems I every remember hearing, and remembering...

Not an earth-moving opus, or epoch-defining moment, I concede, but funny and true to my young virgin poetic brain.

Another which really grabbed my with its sheer cleverness was this one.

It's amazing how when young people discover works that are genuinely clever and funny from before their time they can't help feeling somewhat envious and awed and proud to be experiencing them and realising that people liked having an intellectual laugh even as long ago as when our parents were young.

I wonder if my kids will ever be thinking that if they ever discover some of the things that tickled me, a few years from now.

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Euphemisms For Beginners

My Dear - Come To Me

Come On Toshi, Come On.. (You're so good)!

The Anti-Grammar Rules: Top 10 List

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'The Rain Peas Mainly On The Plain'

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A Cane From Eton Says...

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 20:10:00 +0000

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A strange trend has been noticed...

...creeping into some of the so-called 'highbrow' newspapers - that of extending the name of a supposedly typical item of clothing to describe someone, probably starting with 'suits' for conventional businessmen, and anoraks, of course, for train spotters and computer losers.

How baffling it would be for new English students to find items of dress extended to objects connected with the post, used instead of job titles - especially if the connection is not one they would make automatically in their culture.

Thus we find a pair of braces in the City, a green welly at the Country Landowners Association, a tight black tee-shirt at the hair dressing salon, a bobbly hat on the ski slope, a silk shirt at the Jockey Club and even, (regrettably, says the librarian who contributed this piece) a long wooly cardigan at the County Library.

Logical extension of this idea means that you may well hear about a pair of scissors at the fashion house, a tall tree at the Forestry Commission, a soft pencil at the design office and a big spear at the Ugandan Embassy (big meaning senior, of course).

It seems to be used most often by media writers to introduce a quote, as in "A junior aspirin at the Department of Health says..."

So what about us teachers? Are we sticks of chalk? Board rubbers, maybe? Worn elbow patches, perhaps? Or, shame of shames, a pair of brown corduroys..? Cringe!

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Euphemisms For Beginners

My Dear - Come To Me

Come On Toshi, Come On.. (You're so good)!

The Anti-Grammar Rules: Top 10 List

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'A Cane From Eton Says'

Created & written by Sab Will

Copyright 2010 Sab Will / Hotch Potch English ~ The Unique English Language Website
More creative Sab: Paris Set Me Free

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The Laughing Policeman. NOT.

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 12:14:00 +0000

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Remember Peter and Jane?

Of course you do. Well, if you're over 40 anyway. Whatever became of them? "This is Peter. This is Jane. Peter likes Jane. Jane likes Peter..." etc. The banality of it all makes you laugh in retrospect, doesn't it? But they actually produced hundreds of these famous little books and I'm quite sure I enjoyed reading them in my time.

The Peter and Jane series, one of the more than 60 series actually produced, was based on a very limited set of key words to help very young children to learn to read. Other popular series include the Well Loved Tales, Tootles the Taxi, What to Look for in Spring (etc.), and the extremely popular How It Works and How To... books explaining common modern appliances and useful processes. See below for two highly practical new titles in the updated series...

Well things have changed, the world has moved on, and a bit of updating was sorely needed. These have been published on plenty of websites already but we make no apologies for sharing them here just in case you missed these gems the first time round. So here we offer you a sneak preview of some pages from the new version of the People at Work: The Policeman title. Click on the open page images for a larger version. Enjoy.

As with many classic children's book series, there's now a mini-collectors' industry based around these titles, with fanatics desperately on the look out for the rarest ones, such as The Impatient Horse, The Tinkers Wig and the timeless (well, kind of) Adventures of Wonk series.

Apparently the youngest Ladybird author was little Jayne Fisher, woh started her Garden Gang series at the innocent age of six. I'm a bit nervous that the new publisher responsible for the images above is going to get hold of the Garden Gang books and do something horrible with them. Shudder.

Other titbits of useless info include the fact that Spike Milligan and Paul McCartney have contributed to the series and that around 660 individual titles are likely to have been published.

The rarest book of them all, according to The Wee Web website, could be an early computer handbook, and I quote:

"Wee do however consider the rarest book of them all to be 'The Computer - How it Works' (1971) - this is not the standard issue but rather a private publication that was especially produced for the Ministry of Defence in 1972. The M.O.D specifically asked for the book to be published in plain covers and without copyright information as not to embarrass their training staff!"

If you want to see some of the pages I left out from the new version of The Policeman, visit this page, and if you want to see what's currently (and really) on offer, then check out the Ladybird site and wallow in some sort of nostalgia.

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Euphemisms For Beginners

My Dear - Come To Me

Come On Toshi, Come On.. (You're so good)!

The Anti-Grammar Rules: Top 10 List

Balls To The Choices!

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Hotch Potch English: "The SNAIL" ~ The Laughing Policeman. NOT.

Created & written by Sab Will

Copyright 2010 Sab Will / Hotch Potch English ~ The Unique English Language Website
More creative Sab: Paris Set Me Free

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Cold Toads (the things we do for love)

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 04:11:00 +0000

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The things we do for love...

I certainly can't claim this as an original, but if it provokes an original laugh or smile I'll consider my efforts worth something...

'So let me offer you, at about fourth hand, quite the most enjoyable item of news to come my way during the past week.

I heard it from my colleague Libby Purves, who read it in The Times newspaper, which got it ultimately from Dr L. Fairchild of Duke University in North Carolina and it concerns toads.

The female toad, unaware of spiritual values, likes her mate big. But because she normally pairs in the dark, she has only one way of judging. The bigger the toad, the deeper his croak. However, there's a complicating factor, because a cold toad gives a deeper croak. Male toads therefore cunningly make for the coldest corner of the pond to deepen their croaks, and a female, who thinks she is mating with a large, warm toad may in fact have been deceived by a small, cold one.

However, things do not stop there. Since all the male toads are trying to chill off as much as possible, the large ones tend to win in the end and take over the cold spot. Indeed, says Dr Fairchild, many of the smallest toads are forced right out of the pond and are obliged to sit on the bank where (since it is warmer out of the water than in, even in North Carolina) the small toads' croaking becomes even shriller and less enticing.

But there is still some consolation for the warm weaklings. For in order to get into the pond the females do, of course, have to run the gauntlet on the bank where, says Dr Fairchild, the small males make the most of their opportunities. It shouldn't be long before the large toads learn to lurk on the bank and shut up. The problem now is how to...'

And there it is. The terrible trials of the toad and his interminable attempt to get his tail over (if toads have tails, that is).

The following videos have only tenuous connections with the above story, but they DO involve toads, so don't expect anything more...

As usual, let me know what you think, in the comments section below.

~ YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE THESE PREVIOUS SNAIL POSTS ~

Euphemisms For Beginners

My Dear - Come To Me

Come On Toshi, Come On.. (You're so good)!

The Anti-Grammar Rules: Top 10 List

Balls To The Choices!

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Hotch Potch English: "The SNAIL" ~ Cold Toads: the things we do for love
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Copyright 2010 Sab Will / Hotch Potch English
More creative Sab: Paris Set Me Free
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Hello! We're Talking About Language

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 22:48:00 +0000

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A touch of linguistic genius...

...from today's Dr House, or more rightly his erstwhile comedy duo partner, the flamboyant Mr Stephen Fry.

It really is a virtuoso performance from the erstwhile comedy duo partner of Hugh Laurie, and towards the end of this short clip the proverbial jaw is tempted to drop at the absurd cleverness of it all. How could he have really memorised all of that stuff he manages to spout endlessly from his mouth - it's almost too much for the average brain to take in. Great. Stephen Fry even has an entertaining blog if you enjoy his style.

Obviously we'd love to feature other similar examples of linguistic genius, absurdity or a pleasing mixture of both (why not?) so if you have any suggestions for The SNAIL then do drop me a line and I'll credit you in full at the time of publication.

~ YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE THESE PREVIOUS SNAIL POSTS ~

Euphemisms For Beginners

My Dear - Come To Me

Come On Toshi, Come On.. (You're so good)!

The Anti-Grammar Rules: Top 10 List

Balls To The Choices!

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Hotch Potch English: "The SNAIL" ~ Hello! Today We're Talking About Language
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One For The Culture Vultures

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 21:41:00 +0000

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Classic French Poetry: analysis*

Et qui ri des curés d'Oc ?(1)
De Meuse(2) raines,(3) houp ! de cloques.(4)
De quelles loques ce turque coin.
Et ne d'anes ni rennes,
Ecuries des curés d'Oc.
(Fernand d'Antan - attrib.)

An automated (and unfortunately rather wanting) translation renders this in English as:

And who laughs at the priests of Oc?
From Meuse groove, houp! blisters.
Of who wrecks this Turkish corner.
And of neither asses nore reindeers,
Stables of the priests of Oc.

Notes:
(1) "Oc" (or Languedoc), is an ancient region of France, with its capital at Toulouse.
(2) "Meuse", or Maas, River, 560 miles long, traversing France, Belgium and the Netherlands.
(3) "Raines", old French for frogs (from the Latin, ranae)
(4) "cloques" are warts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The poem in French is considered a graceful tribute to the monks of Languedoc, who were a humble and holy group. The poem goes on to warn that those who laugh at the monks will have frogs from the Meuse River jump at them and give them warts. They were so humble that their Turkish Corners are made of rags, and they didn't indulge themselves with fancy mules or reindeer. (See also below)

* And if you believe that, you probably haven't got the hang of The SNAIL yet!

There is, of course, another way of translating this mediaeval masterpiece. You simply say it in a pretty apalling English accent and a tickle in the corner of your mouth and it seems to bear a strange resemblance to...

Hickory dickory dock,
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
And down he ran,
Hickory dickory dock!

Ahh, erudite wags - ya gotta love 'em.

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Hotch Potch English: "The SNAIL" ~ One For The Culture Vultures
Created & written by Sab Will
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More creative Sab: Paris Set Me Free
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Balls To The Choices!

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 02:34:00 +0000

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It was with the greatest delight...

...that we dined at A French Restaurant last week. As our French could be better, we asked for the English version of the menu. We were presented with a charming and earnestly translated document offering many tempting delicacies. To start with we tried the Cold buffet to will and the Lawyer to the prawn cocktail sauce.

For the main course, although sorely tempted by the Zander to the bottom leak, I plumped for the Flat of the day while my partner chose a Piece of the butcher (according to walked) but we weren't quite sure exactly which piece of him it was..

If you're thinking of going, do be aware that the drinks are not understood in the menus, which could potentially lead to confusion.

We were again spoilt for choice when it came to the desserts. I felt a bit sorry for the fromage frais beaten to the cream and went instead for the bavarois to the fruit and his coulis (rather his than mine).

Again my partner was somewhat daring, choosing the 3 balls to the choices option while the beautiful pear Hélène had to be left, alas, to a later date.

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Hotch Potch English: "The SNAIL" ~ Balls To The Choices!
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More creative Sab: Paris Set Me Free
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Euphemisms for Beginners

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 12:46:00 +0000

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From a semi-mollifying...

...letter we received from a software company the other week:

"I hereby confirm that the anomaly concerning the Security Procedures produced for an investment account can be identified as an 'undocumented feature'* and assure you that this is not caused by any remaining data corruption."

*We used to call this a 'bug' in the good old days..!

I'm actively on the lookout for ridiculous English of all types - no turn of phrase is too obscure to be overlooked if it's funny, silly or otherwise risible.

Looking forward to reading and laughing with you!

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Hotch Potch English: "The SNAIL" ~ Self-mollification for Beginners
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The Anti-Grammar Rules: Top 10 List

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 10:36:00 +0000

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I couldn't resist.

When something I appreciate comes along, I love to talk about it. Promote it. And possibly exploit it. All in the good name of spreading the wonderful words, of course.

And so, without further apologies, here's a minor stealing, I mean borrowing, from the wonderful 'My Grammar & I' - what they call the 'Grammar Rules (to avoid)', and what I like to refer to as:

The Anti-Grammar Rules: Top 10 List

1)	Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2)	Remember to never split an infinitive.
3)	Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
4)	Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
5)	Use words correctly, irregardless of how other elude to them.
6)	Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
7)	Eliminate unnecessary references. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, 'I hate quotations.'
8)	Who needs rhetorical questions?
9)	Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
10)	Last, but not least, avoid clichés like the plague.

To try to give full due to this list, it's from 'My Grammar and I' by Caroline Taggart and J. A. Wines, which I reviewed a while back here.

And the authors themselves include the note: *Inspired by William Safire's 'Fumblerules', first published in the New York Times, 1979. So that should have me covered!

Additions to the above list and other thoughts and contributions are, as ever, welcome.

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Hotch Potch English: "The SNAIL" ~ The Anti-Grammar Rules: Top 10 List
Created & written by Sab Will
Copyright 2010 Sab Will / Hotch Potch English
More creative Sab: Paris Set Me Free
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Visit Hotch Potch English ~ The Unique English Teaching Website
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