The SNAIL

Lest We Forget

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 22:05:00 +0000

Lest We Forget

We're all gonna go one day, and when we do, will we know before we go?

In any case, someone will, maybe, if we're lucky, in a manner of speaking, say something about us after the event, with, or indeed without, our consent.

Ultimately, the best bet might be to write our own epitaph, before someone else does it for us (and why not with a bit of humour to boot?)...

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Gone but not Forgotten

This troubled world is sighing now,

The flu is at the door;

And many folks are dying now

Who never died before.
Anon

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On a Dentist

Stranger, approach this spot with gravity:

John Brown is filling his final cavity.
Anon

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On Leslie Moore

Here lies what's left

Of Leslie Moore

No Les

No more.

Anon

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On John Bun

Here lies John Bun;

He was killed by a gun.

His name was not Bun, but Wood;

But Wood would not rhyme with gun,

And Bun would.

Anon
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Crawl On
The SNAIL

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Lest We Forget'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Mensa Is As Mensa Does

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 20:42:00 +0000

Do You Mensa?

If you look up 'mensa' in the dictionary you get two or three varying definitions.

One is a table-top slab used in weird Roman Catholic rituals.

The second would be a faint constellation in the polar region of the southern hemisphere and containing part of the Large Megallanic Cloud. That would have been my first reaction, obviously.

And the third definition is an international organisation dedicated to passing a so-called 'IQ' test which basically offers the ultimate conclusion that you are good at passing IQ tests. What that says about you as a human being remains fuzzy.

But they generally feel it Means Something.
And this ad (below) is an incitation to join the Australian Mensa club.

I joined the British one once, a long time ago. Which obviously lays me open to accusations of a) partisanship, b) subtle showing off (if you still believe getting a high score in an IQ test has significance), c) deep-inset insecurity (if you don't).

The experience was... edifying. The best of times involved discussing with other Mensans why we would want to belong to such an embarrassingly elitist organisation. The worst of times involved pretentious dickheads who thought they were above everyone else. How wrong they were.

Anyway, here's the ad. I personally found it smile-inducingly funny, but wouldn't take that as evidence that I have an IQ of 150. I've always ridiculed the test as basically testing whether you are good at taking IQ tests. And after I had worked my way through an 'IQ test preparation' book my score instantaneously and miraculously improved by about 20 points.

Ain't self-centredness sweet?

Having said that, I'd love it if people got more of my jokes...

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Thoroughly Thoughtful'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Thoroughly Thoughtful

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 21:36:00 +0000

Thoroughly Thoughtful

Whilst the list below is far from original, the aim of SNAIL is to eventually unite as many of the most intriguing, amusing and why not plain silly quirks and curiosities the English language has to offer us.

For this reason contributions in the spirit of SNAIL are more than welcome. Why not submit your favourites so that we can all enjoy them?

In the meantime, marvel once again at just how fiendishly twisted language learners must find our English pronunciation and spelling conventions. Or rather lack of them.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I want it to be on record that I will record my Record.

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Thoroughly Thoughtful'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Gotta Lotta Welly

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 20:53:00 +0000

Gotta Lotta Welly

This must be the king of all tongue twisters. I defy you to find someone who can say this faster and faster without pretty quickly ending up just mindlessly going 'welly-welly welly-welly welly-welly welly-welly" and for some reason spontaneously cracking up into peals of laughter, English student or, even better, not.

And this is what you should say, slowly at first, and then faster and faster...

Red Welly, Yellow Welly

Red Welly, Yellow Welly

Red Welly, Yellow Welly

Red Welly, Yellow Welly

...

See? Told ya! Enjoy :-D

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Gotta Lotta Welly'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Can U Dig It?

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 21:29:00 +0000

Can U Dig It?

"The story, which is a true one, is that there is this nutball who digs things out of his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institution, labelling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds.

This guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway... here's the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution.

"Lest we think we have challenges in responding, at times, to our constituency, I send this to you all as an exemplar of a public servant's considerate and thoughtful response." (original source unknown)"

Smithsonian Institution
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled 93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post . . . Hominid skull. We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be Malibu Barbie.

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loath to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with the institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of the recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 A.D., and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hypenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand upon your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities"

So there you have it. Draw your own conclusions. And may the farce be with you ;~Sab

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Can You Dig It?'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Hugh & Laurie: "Suitable Poetry"

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 19:47:00 +0000

The Last Word In Poetry..?

A lovely bit of Hugh and Laurie, made even better by the fact that you can see they're on the point of losing it a few times, with smirks concealed by nose rubs and suchlike. Enjoy.

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As a bit of a poet myself (with even more here), I can only take great delight in this fun-poking bit of tomfoolery.

The genius of this pair always pleases me. It didn't always work, but when it did, it was magic.

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Hugh & Laurie: "Suitable Poetry"'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Holy Cow, Vatman!

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 21:27:00 +0000

Holy Cow, Vatman

I'm not at all political really, but this one tickled my fancy from a few years back. Still pretty relevant today too, by the looks of it...

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Bureaucracy (European)

You have two cows. Brussels tells you how to milk them and pays you not to milk them. Then Brussels kills one, milks the other, throws away the milk and makes you fill out a form to declare your missing cows.

Capitalism (Universal)
You have two cows and big ambitions. You sell one of your cows and buy a bull.

Capitalism (of Hong Kong)
You have two cows under a leasing plan. You sell 3 to a company evaluated by financial places, using lettres de créances opened by your brother in a bank. Simultaneously you proceed with an exchange of participations and a public offer. You get 4 cows with a tax reduction for 5. Then you kill 2 of them because the cowhome direction (feng shui) is bad. The currency crashes and you create a global crisis.

Communism (Orthodox)
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you to look after them and you share the milk with them.

Communism (Russian)
You have two cows. You must feed and milk them but the government takes all the milk.

Democracy (Pure)
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who will take the milk.

Democracy (Representative)
You have two cows. Your neighbours nominate someone to decide who will take the milk.

Democracy (American)
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for them. Just after being elected, the president is under an impeachment procedure for flirting with the milk maid. The press calls the scandal Cowgate and wants to make the Head of state resign.

Democracy (British)
You have two cows. You feed them with sheep brains and they become mad. The government does nothing.

Democracy (of Singapore)
You have two cows. The government charges you with keeping cows in your apartment.

Dictatorship
You have two cows. The government takes your cows and puts you in front of the firing squad.

Green
You have two cows. The government forbids you to milk them.

Militarism
You have two cows. The government enlists you in the army, confiscates your cows and feeds you on their milk.

Politically correct
You have a relationship (the concept of property is much too close to a phallocentric past) with two bovines of a non-specific breed, sex and weight (despite 3 Weight Watchers diets).

35 hours
You have two cows. One eats in a private field, the other in a public field. The government orders you to make them work a 35 hour week. They will produce less milk and still eat the same. You think you can solve the problem. Martine Aubry explains that you have to be better organised and gives you a bale of hay.

35 hours (elsewhere)
You have two cows. One eats in a private field, the other in a public one. The first wonders how to produce in 35 hours what she does in 42. The second wonders how to produce in 35 hours what she does in 32.

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Holy Cow, Vatman!'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Sab's Fab Quirky Language Quiz No.1

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Sat, 04 Jun 2011 09:44:00 +0000

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Fun Language Quiz No.1

Hi everyone! I just realised that I could still access an old OLD site of mine I started back in 1997ish which I found lurking in the backwaters of the net, not accessible by the normal means.

And what's more, I realised that there is a ton of fun language stuff on there, including... some wonderfully quirky language quizzes, so I'm going to republish them here for everyone's delectation and delight!

They're short, fascinating and I'll give you the answers once a few of you have had a go - OK? So here we go with No.1, and don't forget to comment!

Sab's Fab Quirky Language Quiz No.1

1) Name ten everyday parts of the body with 3 letters - no slang or vulgarity please!

2) Translate this traditional French verse into English:

Un petit d'un petit
S'étonne aux Halles;
Un petit d'un petit
Ah! Degrés falles.

3) Name the origins of these coleopterous food references:

a) Cool cherry cream and a nice apple tart
b) Tangerine trees and marmalade skies
c) Semolina pilchard

4) What is found between a 'hanging-post' and a 'banging-post'?

More language fun coming soon! I'm always keen to read and pass on great language-related pieces, so do send them in and I'll give you whatever namecheck and link you like. Thanks for visiting, and...

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Sab's Quirky Language Quiz No.1'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Totally Credible! Believable. UNWOW!

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Sun, 07 Nov 2010 13:46:00 +0000

Definitely shevelled

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Ibcnreidle But Ture...

Thanks to Jamie, from the USA, for this impressive story, possibly from an old issue of the New Yorker magazine by someone called Jack Winter. Still just feeling trigued? Maybe this will change your mind...

How I Met My Wife

It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate. I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.

I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would do.

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.

So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads or tails of.

I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated--as if this were something I was great shakes at--and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

Maculate in the extreme

Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.

She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation became more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal.

We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Totally Credible! Believable. UNWOW!'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Wluod You Bieelve It?

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 22:15:00 +0000

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Ibcnreidle But Ture...

From regular reader Jamie, from the USA, comes this fun little phenomenon: no explanation needed - it's all in the text. But is there any possibility you can actually understand the gobbledygook below? Check it out: you'll probably be surprised...

"I cnduo't bvleiee taht I culod aulaclty uesdtannrd waht I was rdnaieg. Unisg the icndeblire pweor of the hmuan mnid, aocdcrnig to rseecrah at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mttaer in waht oderr the lterets in a wrod are, the olny irpoamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rhgit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whoutit a pboerlm. Tihs is bucseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey ltteer by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Aaznmig, huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghhuot slelinpg was ipmorantt!"

So how aubot taht?! Tnakhs Jimae, and keep snenidg in yuor criibuttoonns - tre'hye vrey wlemoce :-)

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Wluod You Bieelve It?'

Created & written by Sab Will

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Big Noses Run In My Family

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 14:48:00 +0000

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When in need of inspiration...

...recycle the classics! Here's one of those many wonderful fun-pokes at the good old English language - enjoy... and wonder.

Big Noses Run In My Family

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you can fill out a form by filling it in and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this column, I end it!

~ Author Unknown

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~ YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE THESE PREVIOUS SNAIL POSTS ~

Euphemisms For Beginners

My Dear - Come To Me

Come On Toshi, Come On.. (You're so good)!

The Anti-Grammar Rules: Top 10 List

Balls To The Choices!

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Big Noses Run In My Family'

Created & written by Sab Will

More creative Sab: Paris Set Me Free

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The Rain Peas Mainly On The Plain

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 21:54:00 +0000

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Some of the sweetest poems...

...can be some of the shortest, simplest and most - dare I say it - poignant.

Here's an example of genuinely one of the first poems I every remember hearing, and remembering...

Not an earth-moving opus, or epoch-defining moment, I concede, but funny and true to my young virgin poetic brain.

Another which really grabbed my with its sheer cleverness was this one.

It's amazing how when young people discover works that are genuinely clever and funny from before their time they can't help feeling somewhat envious and awed and proud to be experiencing them and realising that people liked having an intellectual laugh even as long ago as when our parents were young.

I wonder if my kids will ever be thinking that if they ever discover some of the things that tickled me, a few years from now.

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~ YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE THESE PREVIOUS SNAIL POSTS ~

Euphemisms For Beginners

My Dear - Come To Me

Come On Toshi, Come On.. (You're so good)!

The Anti-Grammar Rules: Top 10 List

Balls To The Choices!

VISIT

HOTCH POTCH ENGLISH

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'The Rain Peas Mainly On The Plain'

Created & written by Sab Will

More creative Sab: Paris Set Me Free

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A Cane From Eton Says...

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 20:10:00 +0000

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A strange trend has been noticed...

...creeping into some of the so-called 'highbrow' newspapers - that of extending the name of a supposedly typical item of clothing to describe someone, probably starting with 'suits' for conventional businessmen, and anoraks, of course, for train spotters and computer losers.

How baffling it would be for new English students to find items of dress extended to objects connected with the post, used instead of job titles - especially if the connection is not one they would make automatically in their culture.

Thus we find a pair of braces in the City, a green welly at the Country Landowners Association, a tight black tee-shirt at the hair dressing salon, a bobbly hat on the ski slope, a silk shirt at the Jockey Club and even, (regrettably, says the librarian who contributed this piece) a long wooly cardigan at the County Library.

Logical extension of this idea means that you may well hear about a pair of scissors at the fashion house, a tall tree at the Forestry Commission, a soft pencil at the design office and a big spear at the Ugandan Embassy (big meaning senior, of course).

It seems to be used most often by media writers to introduce a quote, as in "A junior aspirin at the Department of Health says..."

So what about us teachers? Are we sticks of chalk? Board rubbers, maybe? Worn elbow patches, perhaps? Or, shame of shames, a pair of brown corduroys..? Cringe!

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~ YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE THESE PREVIOUS SNAIL POSTS ~

Euphemisms For Beginners

My Dear - Come To Me

Come On Toshi, Come On.. (You're so good)!

The Anti-Grammar Rules: Top 10 List

Balls To The Choices!

VISIT

HOTCH POTCH ENGLISH

FOR MORE GREAT

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'A Cane From Eton Says'

Created & written by Sab Will

Copyright 2010 Sab Will / Hotch Potch English ~ The Unique English Language Website
More creative Sab: Paris Set Me Free

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The Laughing Policeman. NOT.

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 12:14:00 +0000

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Remember Peter and Jane?

Of course you do. Well, if you're over 40 anyway. Whatever became of them? "This is Peter. This is Jane. Peter likes Jane. Jane likes Peter..." etc. The banality of it all makes you laugh in retrospect, doesn't it? But they actually produced hundreds of these famous little books and I'm quite sure I enjoyed reading them in my time.

The Peter and Jane series, one of the more than 60 series actually produced, was based on a very limited set of key words to help very young children to learn to read. Other popular series include the Well Loved Tales, Tootles the Taxi, What to Look for in Spring (etc.), and the extremely popular How It Works and How To... books explaining common modern appliances and useful processes. See below for two highly practical new titles in the updated series...

Well things have changed, the world has moved on, and a bit of updating was sorely needed. These have been published on plenty of websites already but we make no apologies for sharing them here just in case you missed these gems the first time round. So here we offer you a sneak preview of some pages from the new version of the People at Work: The Policeman title. Click on the open page images for a larger version. Enjoy.

As with many classic children's book series, there's now a mini-collectors' industry based around these titles, with fanatics desperately on the look out for the rarest ones, such as The Impatient Horse, The Tinkers Wig and the timeless (well, kind of) Adventures of Wonk series.

Apparently the youngest Ladybird author was little Jayne Fisher, woh started her Garden Gang series at the innocent age of six. I'm a bit nervous that the new publisher responsible for the images above is going to get hold of the Garden Gang books and do something horrible with them. Shudder.

Other titbits of useless info include the fact that Spike Milligan and Paul McCartney have contributed to the series and that around 660 individual titles are likely to have been published.

The rarest book of them all, according to The Wee Web website, could be an early computer handbook, and I quote:

"Wee do however consider the rarest book of them all to be 'The Computer - How it Works' (1971) - this is not the standard issue but rather a private publication that was especially produced for the Ministry of Defence in 1972. The M.O.D specifically asked for the book to be published in plain covers and without copyright information as not to embarrass their training staff!"

If you want to see some of the pages I left out from the new version of The Policeman, visit this page, and if you want to see what's currently (and really) on offer, then check out the Ladybird site and wallow in some sort of nostalgia.

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~ YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE THESE PREVIOUS SNAIL POSTS ~

Euphemisms For Beginners

My Dear - Come To Me

Come On Toshi, Come On.. (You're so good)!

The Anti-Grammar Rules: Top 10 List

Balls To The Choices!

VISIT

HOTCH POTCH ENGLISH

FOR MORE GREAT

LANGUAGE STUFF!

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Hotch Potch English: "The SNAIL" ~ The Laughing Policeman. NOT.

Created & written by Sab Will

Copyright 2010 Sab Will / Hotch Potch English ~ The Unique English Language Website
More creative Sab: Paris Set Me Free

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Cold Toads (the things we do for love)

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 04:11:00 +0000

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The things we do for love...

I certainly can't claim this as an original, but if it provokes an original laugh or smile I'll consider my efforts worth something...

'So let me offer you, at about fourth hand, quite the most enjoyable item of news to come my way during the past week.

I heard it from my colleague Libby Purves, who read it in The Times newspaper, which got it ultimately from Dr L. Fairchild of Duke University in North Carolina and it concerns toads.

The female toad, unaware of spiritual values, likes her mate big. But because she normally pairs in the dark, she has only one way of judging. The bigger the toad, the deeper his croak. However, there's a complicating factor, because a cold toad gives a deeper croak. Male toads therefore cunningly make for the coldest corner of the pond to deepen their croaks, and a female, who thinks she is mating with a large, warm toad may in fact have been deceived by a small, cold one.

However, things do not stop there. Since all the male toads are trying to chill off as much as possible, the large ones tend to win in the end and take over the cold spot. Indeed, says Dr Fairchild, many of the smallest toads are forced right out of the pond and are obliged to sit on the bank where (since it is warmer out of the water than in, even in North Carolina) the small toads' croaking becomes even shriller and less enticing.

But there is still some consolation for the warm weaklings. For in order to get into the pond the females do, of course, have to run the gauntlet on the bank where, says Dr Fairchild, the small males make the most of their opportunities. It shouldn't be long before the large toads learn to lurk on the bank and shut up. The problem now is how to...'

And there it is. The terrible trials of the toad and his interminable attempt to get his tail over (if toads have tails, that is).

The following videos have only tenuous connections with the above story, but they DO involve toads, so don't expect anything more...

As usual, let me know what you think, in the comments section below.

~ YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE THESE PREVIOUS SNAIL POSTS ~

Euphemisms For Beginners

My Dear - Come To Me

Come On Toshi, Come On.. (You're so good)!

The Anti-Grammar Rules: Top 10 List

Balls To The Choices!

Comments are, as ever, very welcome on The SNAIL!

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Hotch Potch English: "The SNAIL" ~ Cold Toads: the things we do for love
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Hello! We're Talking About Language

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 22:48:00 +0000

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A touch of linguistic genius...

...from today's Dr House, or more rightly his erstwhile comedy duo partner, the flamboyant Mr Stephen Fry.

It really is a virtuoso performance from the erstwhile comedy duo partner of Hugh Laurie, and towards the end of this short clip the proverbial jaw is tempted to drop at the absurd cleverness of it all. How could he have really memorised all of that stuff he manages to spout endlessly from his mouth - it's almost too much for the average brain to take in. Great. Stephen Fry even has an entertaining blog if you enjoy his style.

Obviously we'd love to feature other similar examples of linguistic genius, absurdity or a pleasing mixture of both (why not?) so if you have any suggestions for The SNAIL then do drop me a line and I'll credit you in full at the time of publication.

~ YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE THESE PREVIOUS SNAIL POSTS ~

Euphemisms For Beginners

My Dear - Come To Me

Come On Toshi, Come On.. (You're so good)!

The Anti-Grammar Rules: Top 10 List

Balls To The Choices!

Comments are, as ever, very welcome on The SNAIL!

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Hotch Potch English: "The SNAIL" ~ Hello! Today We're Talking About Language
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One For The Culture Vultures

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 21:41:00 +0000

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Classic French Poetry: analysis*

Et qui ri des curés d'Oc ?(1)
De Meuse(2) raines,(3) houp ! de cloques.(4)
De quelles loques ce turque coin.
Et ne d'anes ni rennes,
Ecuries des curés d'Oc.
(Fernand d'Antan - attrib.)

An automated (and unfortunately rather wanting) translation renders this in English as:

And who laughs at the priests of Oc?
From Meuse groove, houp! blisters.
Of who wrecks this Turkish corner.
And of neither asses nore reindeers,
Stables of the priests of Oc.

Notes:
(1) "Oc" (or Languedoc), is an ancient region of France, with its capital at Toulouse.
(2) "Meuse", or Maas, River, 560 miles long, traversing France, Belgium and the Netherlands.
(3) "Raines", old French for frogs (from the Latin, ranae)
(4) "cloques" are warts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The poem in French is considered a graceful tribute to the monks of Languedoc, who were a humble and holy group. The poem goes on to warn that those who laugh at the monks will have frogs from the Meuse River jump at them and give them warts. They were so humble that their Turkish Corners are made of rags, and they didn't indulge themselves with fancy mules or reindeer. (See also below)

* And if you believe that, you probably haven't got the hang of The SNAIL yet!

There is, of course, another way of translating this mediaeval masterpiece. You simply say it in a pretty apalling English accent and a tickle in the corner of your mouth and it seems to bear a strange resemblance to...

Hickory dickory dock,
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
And down he ran,
Hickory dickory dock!

Ahh, erudite wags - ya gotta love 'em.

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Hotch Potch English: "The SNAIL" ~ One For The Culture Vultures
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More creative Sab: Paris Set Me Free
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Balls To The Choices!

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 02:34:00 +0000

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It was with the greatest delight...

...that we dined at A French Restaurant last week. As our French could be better, we asked for the English version of the menu. We were presented with a charming and earnestly translated document offering many tempting delicacies. To start with we tried the Cold buffet to will and the Lawyer to the prawn cocktail sauce.

For the main course, although sorely tempted by the Zander to the bottom leak, I plumped for the Flat of the day while my partner chose a Piece of the butcher (according to walked) but we weren't quite sure exactly which piece of him it was..

If you're thinking of going, do be aware that the drinks are not understood in the menus, which could potentially lead to confusion.

We were again spoilt for choice when it came to the desserts. I felt a bit sorry for the fromage frais beaten to the cream and went instead for the bavarois to the fruit and his coulis (rather his than mine).

Again my partner was somewhat daring, choosing the 3 balls to the choices option while the beautiful pear Hélène had to be left, alas, to a later date.

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Hotch Potch English: "The SNAIL" ~ Balls To The Choices!
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Euphemisms for Beginners

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 12:46:00 +0000

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From a semi-mollifying...

...letter we received from a software company the other week:

"I hereby confirm that the anomaly concerning the Security Procedures produced for an investment account can be identified as an 'undocumented feature'* and assure you that this is not caused by any remaining data corruption."

*We used to call this a 'bug' in the good old days..!

I'm actively on the lookout for ridiculous English of all types - no turn of phrase is too obscure to be overlooked if it's funny, silly or otherwise risible.

Looking forward to reading and laughing with you!

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Hotch Potch English: "The SNAIL" ~ Self-mollification for Beginners
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The Anti-Grammar Rules: Top 10 List

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 10:36:00 +0000

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I couldn't resist.

When something I appreciate comes along, I love to talk about it. Promote it. And possibly exploit it. All in the good name of spreading the wonderful words, of course.

And so, without further apologies, here's a minor stealing, I mean borrowing, from the wonderful 'My Grammar & I' - what they call the 'Grammar Rules (to avoid)', and what I like to refer to as:

The Anti-Grammar Rules: Top 10 List

1)	Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2)	Remember to never split an infinitive.
3)	Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
4)	Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
5)	Use words correctly, irregardless of how other elude to them.
6)	Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
7)	Eliminate unnecessary references. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, 'I hate quotations.'
8)	Who needs rhetorical questions?
9)	Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
10)	Last, but not least, avoid clichés like the plague.

To try to give full due to this list, it's from 'My Grammar and I' by Caroline Taggart and J. A. Wines, which I reviewed a while back here.

And the authors themselves include the note: *Inspired by William Safire's 'Fumblerules', first published in the New York Times, 1979. So that should have me covered!

Additions to the above list and other thoughts and contributions are, as ever, welcome.

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Hotch Potch English

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Hotch Potch English: "The SNAIL" ~ The Anti-Grammar Rules: Top 10 List
Created & written by Sab Will
Copyright 2010 Sab Will / Hotch Potch English
More creative Sab: Paris Set Me Free
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Not My F-ing Problem!

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 17:09:00 +0000

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Here's a funny thing.

Read the sentence below. Now count aloud the 'F's in the box. Count them ONLY ONCE. Do not go back and count them again.

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

If you think you got it right, I mean if you are REALLY REALLY SURE... click here.

And don't go nuts - it's not my fault!!!
I'm just the messenger of your madness, not the cause, honest ;-)

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Hotch Potch English: "The SNAIL" ~ Not My F-ing Problem!
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More creative Sab: Paris Set Me Free
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Book Review: 'My Grammar and I'

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 16:38:00 +0000

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My Grammar and I
(or should that be 'Me'?)

Caroline Taggart and J. A. Wines

Michael O´Mara Books 2008

ISBN 9781843173106

Publisher's Website

------------------------------------------------------

From the blurb: "Can you tell when a sentence contains more clichés than you've had hot dinners, or if it's tautological and pointlessly repetitive? Is a preposition necessarily a bad thing to end a sentence with? Are you able to immediately spot a split infinitive? Or understand how, being accidentally misplaced, you can wreak nonsensical havoc with your modifiers?"

----------------------------------------------------------------

If I only had a penny... sorry, I mean if I had only a penny... no, no, that's not it... ah! if only I had a penny for every book on the English language that has a schoolboyish giggle at the phrase ´dangling modifier´ I´d probably be a quid or two the richer by now.

'[It is] impossible at the present juncture to teach English grammar in the schools for the simple reason that no one knows exactly what it is.'

~ Government Report, 1921

My Grammar and I, a delightful recent discovery of mine, from the marvellous Michael O´Mara Books, is no exception (they refer to them in their chapter heading as 'Dangly bits') but in this case they are justified. The whole book takes a very pleasant tongue- (or should that be dangly bit?) in-cheek look at one of our most precious and least understood national institutions: the English grammar system (if, indeed, there actually is one - personally, I'm sceptical).

So, what a pleasure it is to hold this little volume in my hands. From the textured cover to the soft grain of the pages; from the well-chosen typeface to the inner front cover's 'A gift for... from...' nameplate; from the lovely musty aroma as you hold it to your nose (you do sniff your books, don't you?) to the gentle humour of the entries... everything is designed to offer you some enjoyably intellectual fodder from yesteryear with a modern twist: nostalgia.

Rules of yore rub avec-seriffed shoulders with decidedly up-to-date irreverence and cheeky asides. Right up our street, this is. (Try saying 'rules of yore rub shoulders' fast a few times, by the way, and I'll send my personal copy of the current title straight off to anyone who can prove they didn't get their tongues in a twist! See below, by the way, for an exclusive photo of My Gramar and I and Me, - totally grammatically correct, I assure you...)

What the authors have succeeded in doing is interweaving amusing quotes and examples with the actual guts of the book, which is English grammar and how to do it. I imagine My Grammar and I is the grammar book most grammarians of the not too dusty variety would secretly like to have written all along. I know it's certainly the sort I enjoy reading most.

The above quote from a government report of 1921 opens the introduction and sets the tone of the book. The snappy four page history of English grammar is quickly followed by a classic list of Grammar Rules (to avoid), including the following:

Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
Remember to never split an infinitive.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

And seven others. I especially likes number 3 because to constantly include comments in brackets (as I do, however irrelevant) is one of my recognisable (if possibly irritating) trademarks.

Various devices keep the pages turning at a flurrying pace. Funny, punny or simply intriguing section headings guarantee a zappy intro to each new language point:

Say what? (or, Parts of Speech)
What a to-do (or, Verbs)
Thou and thee (or, Pronouns)
Kind of funny-looking (or, Adjectives)
Do I get time off for good behaviour? (or, Sentences)
A big no-no (or, Double negatives)

And, of course, the aforementioned Dangly bits (or, Misplaced modifiers).

Little boxes or highlighted sections scattered throughout the book variously contain apposite quotes,

"The English speaking world may be divided into (1) those who neither know nor care what a split infinitive is; (2) those who do not know, but care very much; (3) those who know and condemn; (4) those who know and approve; (5) those who know and distinguish... Those who neither know nor care are the vast majority, and are a happy folk, to be envied by most of the minority classes."
~ H. W. Fowler, Modern English Usage, 1926

funny one-liners,

"We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing scrabble and reading."
~ From 'So where does a comma go?'

and assorted oddities and words of wisdom:

Smart Alec: Since pronoun is a noun, why isn't proverb a verb?

Swot's Corner: Capital letters are sometimes referred to as 'upper case'. This is because manual typesetters kept these letters in the upper drawers of a desk - the upper type case. More frequently used letters were stored on a lower shelf, thus 'lower case' letters.

See Me After Class: Each comparison needs only one comparative: more better is bad, more betterer is even worser.

As you can see from these choice tidbits, the funny, often absurd side of English is never far from the fore, as well as the deliciously overriding temptation to play with our words. But let's make no mistake about it: the topic is grammar, and more than almost any other book I've seen recently, My Grammar and I really does help us understand the basics and more in a thoroughly accessible way.

It's true that most of the points are introduced briefly in a paragraph or so, followed immediately by plenty of examples in the place of wordy explanations, but hey! I know some people who think that's the best way to learn! And how many lay readers do you know who are ready to sit through a boring grammar lecture anyway? So I reckon Ms Taggart and the interestingly named J. A. Wines (does she really?) have got it about right. For this lay 'Me'-er (or should that be 'I') anyway.

And lest Ms Wines be offended, that name quip comes from someone who has suffered their fair share of 'hilarious' name-related jokes from an early age. Imagine having 'Will' as your last name growing up at a typical English school and all the jollity that can provoke...

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Hotch Potch English: "The SNAIL" ~ Book Review: 'My Grammar and I'
Created & written by Sab Will
Copyright 2010 Sab Will / Hotch Potch English
More creative Sab: Paris Set Me Free
_________________________________________________________________
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My Dear - Come To Me

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 15:32:00 +0000

Carrying on from the last entry's somewhat curious subject matter, I've been increasingly intrigued lately by the contents of my Spam folder.

It actually seems as though I've been leading a double, triple, indeed quadruple life to such a level of secrecy that even I am not aware of it.

For a start, there's this lady from Russia who calls herself 'Olga' and seems to think we spent some sort of torrid time together of which, sadly, I have utterly no recollection:

Hey, why do not you write? You forgot about me?

"I am very unhappy without you, remember me?" It's me, Olga from Russia, Moscow, remember?

I'm waiting for you on his page on the Internet, and miss you terribly!

No Olga, I'm afraid I don't remember you. And yet she supplicates in another message entitled 'Let's talk more my bunny!':

Hi, I am sad and dreary one - there - In Moscow,

I live alone now hooked up the internet, that's looking for someone to talk to,

I have a web camera as well as personal page on the internet, come on,
help me to remove my sadness.

So apart from not really being sure if she's here or there, I have no idea how I'm supposed to help her to remove her sadness, or anything else for that matter, by watching her on a webcam. And I'm not her bunny!

And then there's this message from Tanya, who calls herself 'Marina - with Russia', which is just downright sinister:

Hello dear, do you remember how we communicated with you?

Long ago you could not see, I am Marina - with Russia, do you remember me?

"Come to my page - let's talk, I'm waiting!

Well I'm certainly not getting involved with anyone who calls me 'Dear' - that's for crusty grandmothers and stale partners, so I'm just not going there... (don't like the 'We' much either, even if she/they is/are waiting for me)

So just when I think I've got rid of Olga/Marina along comes one from Oksana who refers to herself as Mary (is this some sort of code I should be trying to break..?) in a touching soliloquy to country living and loose morals with the subject 'I came to you in the country, I have no money, looking for a rich man!':

Hi, I'm from Russia - a dream to live abroad, my name is Mary, can we get started?

"I'm on this dating site - come in to me.

Then we have Tanya, who is also called Marina (this is getting really weird) who heads up her plea: 'I'll still love you, come to me, I'm in a hotel!', and offers a strangely familiar message:

Hello dear, do you remember how we communicated with you?

Long ago you could not see, I am Marina - with Russia, do you remember me?

"Come to my page - let's talk, I'm waiting!

Now, call me naive, or stupid, or anything you like, but either I'm going nuts, or peole in Russia have absolutely no idea that you're supposed to close inverted commas once you've opened them, not to mention not just throwing them into the middle of a piece of what is clearly intended to be direct speech...

Svetlana, who seems, somewhat surprisingly, to be called... Svetlana ('Hey, why do not you write?' - good grief, word order girl, word order...), does nothing to restore my confidence in the Russian education system, whilst earning a measly 1 out of 10 for originality (or downright plagiarism - I wonder if Olga's aware of this):

Hi, I am sad and dreary one - there - In Moscow,

I live alone now hooked up the internet, that's looking for someone to talk to,

I have a web camera as well as personal page on the internet, come on,

help me to remove my sadness.

Like, YAWN! Look girls, you're really gonna have to come up with something better than this if you genuinely expect me to put down this doughnut and hot-tail it over to your here-there hotel room / webcam / dating site and talk bunny with you... (and I'm not even going to start telling you about another Tanya who now thinks she's also called Mary, or Nadya who seems to believe she's called Olga...)

Funny how they always seem to include the word 'come' in all their messages too. Must be the first verb they learn at school I guess...

And hoards of schizophrenic Slavic nymphettes isn't the only Spam spookiness I've been experiencing lately either.

The latest craze, if I've read it right, seems to be a belief, mistaken in my opinion, that the vast majority of men are actually screaming DIY freaks in search of the ultimate work implement.

Mauro Osborn suggests that 'With a bigger tool the confidence will be shown in your eyes', and goes on to say that:

Probably at least once in your life you have had the idea of making your tool larger and look bigger and stronger.

If you did, then you are among those 80% of men who have already done that and are satisfied with the results. We are here to help you make you life full of interesting acquaintances with the other half of our society – women. We offer you to try... (etc. etc.)

I can't quite work out how increasing the size of your hammer or saw, for example, is going to allow you to produce better cupboards or indeed successfully wire up a bathroom without electrocuting yourself and the cat as I once did.

A Jeannette Morse from I-don't-know-where seems to share Mauro's view, however, and claims that 'Every man would give up his brain for a decent size', and then expands with a suspiciously redolent refrain...

Probably at least once in your life you have had the idea of making your tool larger and look bigger and stronger.

If you did, then you are among those 80% of men who have already done that and are satisfied with the results. We are here to help you make you life full of interesting acquaintances with the other half of our society – women. We offer you to try... (etc. etc.)

Quite apart from the fact that I've had some girlfriends who would seriously suggest that actually finding the brain would be the greater challenge, I don't really want to base my entire self-worth on doing a good DIY job whilst leaving the moggy intact just for a grudging 'at last' from the missus. I'm also considering getting in touch with Mauro though, who should probably be told that a certain J. Morse appears to be a cheap plagiarist, unless it's the other way round. It's difficult to tell. And based on my Russian experience I wouldn't even be surprised if Osborn and Morse ended up being one and the same person!

A certain Bernadette Dick has also been in touch, apparently on the same topic, with her 'Pecker enlargement free trail here', but as I'm not sure what that particular tool is and wouldn't want to go through the hassle of unenlarging (downsizing?) it in the case of dissatisfaction I'm not going to pursue it further.

And just to finish off, here's a little choice selection of some of the other intriquing, if not to say totally opaque e-mails I've been receiving recently:

A Shannon North sends me an 'Answer on your comment' which, apart from being appalling English, isn't an answer at all, just a picture of some little coloured pills.

A Nigerian gentleman (I believe) called Augusto Nandu Savimbi starts his communication thus:

Dearest One, This letter may come to you as a surprise but I really prayed to God to help me choose somebody that will be my true partner. My name is Augusto Nandu Savimbi. I am the first son of Mr. Jonas Savinbi, the leader of the UNITA movement in Angola. May be you know that my father was killed recently in Angola by the Angola Government soldiers and has been buried. Two weeks before he died (May be he know he will die) he called me and showed me a box containing US$ 35 million and some Diamond value about US$18 million. He send the box to a security company overseas... (etc. etc.)

Strewth! Doesn't he know how I feel about being called 'Dear'? Deleted.

And an enterprising chap called Ray Edward from somewhere suggests a professional link up for this year:

I got your websit in the internet, when i was searching of a good business partner interconnection to 2010 Fifa world cup that will be hold in your country south africa nest year,

Do you know a good profitible business that we can invest? I did it in Germany 2006 and i was favored so much, Get back to me with your kind of investment proposal so that we can proceed now,

Yours truely

Mr. Ray Edward.

And besides, I can't to stand any sort of crap speling, grammer and, puncutation (including american) except my own. Delete. (he did send me a nice attachment called 'My name is Mr.doc' - which isn't strictly true, now is it Mr. Edward! - which didn't seem to do much when I opened it but in fact seems to have finally sorted out the problem I was having with my computer running too fast.

So just to finish off with, I couldn't resist sharing this official message from VISA which really should have been checked before being sent out!

Dear VISA card holder,

A recent review of your transaction history determined that your card was used at an ATM located in Andorra, but for security reasons the requested transaction was refused.Please carefully review electronic report for your VISA card at:

http://sessionid-FP26L20BIUY.visa.com/cards/alerts/transactions.php?ref=6394351790822062781592813779226827668247314836345&email=jgoering@gaymassagenow.com

VISA Cards Support

id: 7W65EWEAW9DQP2OHDVRD4Q9MTX5JQR8ZZTCPBSV6FRTHT6TAEJ4HN2QYLLK8D1MYFJ227GK3T9

Now, call me picky if you will, but the major flaw in this communication, no doubt entailing a considerable amount of lost time and therefore a loss of money to the VISA corporation, is quite simply that... I don't have a VISA card!!! I don't even know where Andorra is, for crying out loud - I thought it was a kind of sheep!

And if you look closely at the web site address I'm supposed to go and give all my bank details to, you'll see that some cheeky chappy has slipped in a somewhat un-banklike address, namely: jgoering@gaymassagenow.com. If this is some sort of special offer for new customers I'd have thought it far more effective to actually draw attention to this attractive opportunity rather than hiding it away in a long, obscure http:// reference. Very poor marketing sense indeed!

So come on guys, get your act together! Makes me quite relieved to be a Mastercard holder when all's said and done!

Oh, some exciting late news just in from Olga (to her bunny). Seems she's having more rather worrying recollections about our mystery liason. She says:

Good day, I accidentally found a letter from you, I remember how we communicated with you.

You were so hot, let's talk again - drop me to the page - I'll wait for my very sweet!

It's strange, because although I don't manage tropical climes well, I can't imagine overheating in typical Moscow temperatures, but I've probably completely lost the thread by now. I'll keep you posted in any case. Feel free to leave any useful comments which might help me work out this thoroughly twisted skein of scary stuff. Unless you're name's Olga.

_______________________________________________________________________

Sab Will is Course Director at TEFL Paris, a TEFL Certificate Teacher Training Centre

Come On Toshi, Come On.. (You're so good)!

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 02:52:00 +0000

This video is so delicious and so obviously directly linked to language teaching that I was desperately tempted to post this on my TEFL Paris Teacher Training Blog, but ultimately refrained.

The high point has to be her conjugation of the second phrase in the first, second and third person - an flawless example of simple, clear and unambiguous language teaching - she's sooo good...

A close second comes the cheesy music which punctuates the various lessons and 'Let's use it constructively' practical examples.

An extremely honorable mention should go to the hapless Toshi, and we shall perhaps never know if he actually ever 'Came on' or not, which does lead to a certain frustration but the magic of the video remains intact.

The comments on the video are also priceless, but, alas, few of them are reprintable here: Toshi, I think she likes you; and I WANT TO BE TOSHI, are about the only ones I dare repeat.

And finally, I'm sure the parents, relatives and indeed grandmother of this fine lady must be duly proud of her You Tube entrepreneurism. My teacher training blog readers may never know what they are missing. Here's hoping her students' everyday lives will be immeasurably enriched, and that Toshi holds out for just a little longer...

Come On Toshi, Come On...

Comments on the SNAIL Blog, as ever, are very welcome.

_______________________________________________________________________

Sab Will is Course Director at TEFL Paris, a TEFL Certificate Teacher Training Centre

The Spirit of SNAIL

noreply@blogger.com (Hotch Potch English) — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 13:21:00 +0000

As the festive season of the country/culture I live in draws nigh (I'm trying not to offend or exclude anyone who doesn't live in a country or belong to a culture which doesn't celebrate the same festival as mine does... phew!) my mind turns, invariably and inevitably, it seems, to words.

As I type, my father is currently, for want of a better word, being chunnelised (or chunneliZed, I suppose, for American speakers of English, or is it the other way round, I can never remember). And should that be one 'l' or two? Which do you prefer?

Some of you will already be very familiar with the excellent blend, chunnel, mixing channel and tunnel in referring to that big tube under the sea between France and the UK. My father is currently sitting in a train, one of four, which is sitting stationary in the aforementioned chunnel, not going anywhere fast. He has been there for about 14 hours now by my calculation. Horror stories creeping out about lack of oxygen and heart attacks don't make me feel any more reassured although it must be said that papa is the stoic type so I'm assuming he'll pull through this ordeal in the true war spirit, stiff upper lip and all that.

Of course, the only way a new word can be successfully coined and then accepted into everyday usage is if it assumes a role of explaining something we want to say better than any other word or combination of words has done before. And to hope that my word, even if is genuinely new, which I doubt, is accepted the thing I'm using it to describe must be something widely acknowledged to exist for it even to have its own word assigned to it.

The phenomenon of getting stuck in the chunnel because of a change in temperature between chilly France and cozy seabed is probably a bit too specific to work. But this certainly isn't the first time a train has got stuck in the chunnel, although causes range from breakdowns, fire, people strolling through, rushhour and probably as many more as well as my dad's specific problem.

So I suggest chunnelise as a verb to be used principly in the passive (i.e. to be chunnelised) indicating that the great god Eurostar has been having problems again. I'm sure there will be plenty of occassions to use it over the next few years. I can imagine the British press headlines already:

Chunnelisation Major Cause Of Seasonal Discontent

Hapless Holiday Brits Chunnelised Again

Gay Vicar In 'Church of Chunnelisation' Sex-Factor Scandal

Any other contributions for new words or headlines to describe the Eurostar: Late Again! phenomenon will be received with interest.

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Sab Will is Course Director at TEFL Paris, a TEFL Certificate Teacher Training Centre