In today’s tale of human idiocy, we have another liar.  There are some out there that you can consider compulsive liars.  As in they lie so much they actually start to believe their own lies.  And then there are some people that lie because they’re just a bag of douche.  Then there are some people, like this, that just do it to feel good.   You’ll see what I mean a little bit later.

Ms. Lykestolie:  May I please speak to a manager?

Spike:  If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that

Ms. Lykestolie:   I need to speak with you about, uh, something I…um…found in my room.

Spike: K, this must be good if you had to stutter to tell me this! 

Don’t leave me hangin’, what was it!?

Ms. Lykestolie: I went to use the iron in the closet and when I opened it, there was a pink vibrator in it!  I was absolutely disgusted and uncomfortable. I couldn’t believe my eyes and now I question whether the entire room was cleaned.

Spike: A v-v-vibrator, huh?  A pink one at that…in the closet…next to the ironing board.  What a great spot for it!

Ms. Lykestolie:  I just feel like there should be some sort of compensation for this.

Spike: Oh, of course, of course.  Would you like to move rooms?  

Ms. Lykestolie: No I really wouldn’t like to move rooms.  I’m comfortable in my room now and would rather just stay where I’m at.  

Spike:  So you question whether the entire room was cleaned because you found a vibrator in the closet, and you would just rather stay where you are because you’re comfortable there after you basically just said that you were uncomfortable there?  Red flag #1.

Ms. Lykestolie:  I’m heading to work now, so by the time I get back, I’d like to know what you plan on doing about this:

Spike: Aye aye, maam!  I’m on the case!

About an hour goes by and I get a phone call

Ms. Mommyhandlesmyissues: I’d like to speak with you about my daughter and what she found in her room this morning.  I know she spoke with you and I know you’ve done nothing about it and she needs to get refunded her whole stay including tonight!

Spike: Well hello!  If there’s one thing I love, it’s to talk through an issue with a guest and then talk about that same issue with their MOTHER!

Ms. Mommyhandlesmyissues: It’s ridiculous! How did this happen?  Did your housekeepers even clean the room?  How could they miss something like that!?

Spike: It’s actually mine.  I went up there the other day and left it up there.  My bad

Ms. Mommyhandlesmyissues: I’m not hanging up until you tell me how this is going to be handled!

Spike: Good to know.  I’ll hang up for you then.

After I get off the phone with mommy dearest, I get my Executive Housekeeper and go up to the guest’s room to take a look for myself.  I open the closet where Mr. Happy-Time was supposedly found and IT’S…NOT…THERE! Did she lie? Did she TAKE IT!? Either way, interesting turn of events here!

Ms. Lykestolie comes back after a long day of lying, I’m sure, and corners me in my office.

Ms. Lykestolie: So were you able to determine how you were going to compensate me?

Spike: Oh hiiiii!   How was work? —actually, never mind, I don’t care.  Spoke to your mom today. She’s a peach.

Spike: Anyways, funny thing happened today.  I know you said that Mr. Happy-Time was bright pink, but by chance, it wasn’t camouflage was it?  Because I took a little jaunt up to your room to find it and didn’t see it anywhere.

Ms. Lykestolie:  Well then you must have missed it.  It’s very clearly up there. 

Spike:  Ohhh trust me, it ain’t there.

Ms. Lykestolie:  Are you insinuating I made it up?

Spike: Or…and here me out…maybe you’re feeling…how shall I say…very lonely lately??? 

Ms. Lykestolie:  Well I never!

Spike: I highly doubt that!

Ms. Lykestolie ended up checking out with no compensation given to her.  Mr. Happy-Time is still at large.  May need to get Keith Morrison on this one:

Moral of the story: 

What can I say about this one that I haven’t already said about other crazed, loony trolls that have tried to pull similar stunts.  If you are going to lie and try to get compensation from me, really think your story out.  If you claim to find a vibrator in your room, and tell me the exact location you found it in, then why shouldn’t I find it there when I go up to your room to search for it?  Either you made it up completely, or you really needed that new ‘juggernaut’ model that just came out and it was too expensive for you to buy.  I do, however, appreciate the good laugh I got out of this one.  

Until next time…which in my world, shouldn’t be too long

The post I found Mr. Happy-Time! appeared first on Hotellmeaboutit.

Our latest tale takes us to speak with a guest named Mr. Lyingsob.  Have you ever had an embarrasing situation happen to you but instead of owning it and moving on with your life, you had to blame it on someone else?  And the more you kept going with your lie, the more people noticed you were lying?  And then you just look like a total douche?  Well, here you go:

Mr. Lyingsob:  I need to speak with the manager. I have an issue I need to report.

Spike:  What can I do for you, my good sir?

Mr. Lyingsob:  So I woke up this morning and I found that there was crap in my sheets.

Spike:  Wow, really?  That stinks

Spike:  So let me make sure I have the series of events correct.  You went to bed and there was no shit in the sheets.  You woke up, and there was shit in the sheets?  Do I have all of that in order?

Mr. Lyingsob:  Yes pretty much.  I woke up and realized I had slept in sheets that must have had crap in them the whole time.  I feel very dirty.  Obviously your housekeeping staff does not do a great job of cleaning the sheets!

Spike:  Dammit, you’re right.  I’m going to fire all my housekeepers for doing a shitty job.

I walked up to the guest’s room and located said sheet.  I found the crap and it was not dry like it had been there for a long time.  It…was…FRESH!

Spike:  Sir, not gonna lie – how in the world could you have missed that when going to bed?  The way a normal person gets in to bed, there is no way you would not have seen this.  It definitely looks… how shall I say, fresh from the oven.

Mr. Lyingsob:  I certainly hope you are not insinuating that I am the one who did this!

Spike:  All signs point to your ass.

Spike:  Lord knows there’s much evidence here to support your theory.  Except of course for that shit filled pair of jeans in the corner of your room.  May I tell you what I think happened?  Alrighty then!

You went out after work.  You had a few drinks and you came back to the hotel.  But you weren’t alone.  Something else was with you in this hotel room and there was a struggle.  The struggle took place in your lower intestine with the bad sushi you had at the gas station driving up here.  Then you couple that with dream you had about chocolate ice cream splooging out of a nozzle and you have a recipe for disaster.  THATS’ why you had a bad night!  THAT’S why you crapped the sheets!  THAT’S why your neighbor heard screaming at 4am.  THAT’S why you had to blame the housekeeper!  AND THAT’S WHY ROGER PODACTER IS DEAD!

Mr. Lyingsob:  I am going to need some sort of compensation for this!

Spike:  Sure.  Here is an adult diaper.  That’s on the house, no need to thank us.

Mr. Lyingsob:  You are going to hear from me on social media!

Spike:  I certainly hope we do!  We will be having an “Adults who lie about crapping in hotel sheets and blaming it on someone else” awareness meeting next week and a testimonial from you would go a long way!

Moral of the story, save some face (or should I say ass) and don’t even bother complaining when it comes to something like this.  Even though most hotel employees won’t say anything, WE KNOW IT WAS YOU!  I know it’s not the easiest thing in the world to tell the hotel that you had an ‘accident’, but I’d rather you not say anything and us just find it than you lie and try to get our housekeepers in trouble.  Keep your crap to yourself.

The post There’s sh*t in the sheets appeared first on Hotellmeaboutit.

For the love of sweet, sweet Jesus (because Jesus  was sweet, not sure if you knew that), can people just know the basic rules and policies of staying at a hotel?  Is that so much to friggin’ ask?  Literally the only good thing about the stupidity of people is that it gives me ammo to write about.  I guess it’s a good problem to have in the scheme of things.

Our most recent example of the human idiocy that seems to be taking over our planet takes place just recently as a matter of fact.  So  recently, in fact, that I’m sure if the lady that this blog is about read this, she would know it’s about her, and then know who I am, and then ipso facto, my cover would be blown.  But for that to happen, that would mean that this lady reads my blog, and not only that, it would also mean that she can read words in general and based on our conversation, I think I’m good on both counts.

Let’s get started, shall we?

Ms. Ihateyourlife:  Ya’ll hotel is doin’ illegal activity!

Spike:  Hello ma’am, sounds like your day is going swell.  I usually start my conversations with someone I’ve never met before with a hello, but that’s just me.  Normally I don’t bother with people who don’t speak to me in actual sentences, but I’m feeling good today, so what types of illegal activities is we’all doin’?

Ms. Ihateyourlife:  I just checked out of your hotel yesterday and ya’ll charged me $204 and another charge for $50 and another charge for $100.  This is what you do with guests that stay at your hotel, you charge them multiple times after they check out?  That’s how come your corporation is so rich because you rip people off?

Spike:  That’s quite a story you came up with there. You been watching a lot of tv, huh?  Matter of fact, the $204 charge is for your room and tax.  The $50 is an authorization we take for incidentals you might use, which, by the way, is cheap when it comes to hotel authorizations.  The $100 is nowhere to be found in our system so I’m not sure what that can be.

Ms. Ihateyourlife:  Ohh, right, you don’t know what that $100 is.  Let me remind you:  it’s the fee you charge guests that you pretend you didn’t take, but we all know that you  just pocket it.  I know how this goes.

Spike:  No! Say it ain’t so!  You mean to tell me that’s where I get all the money to pay for my very modest 1,500 sq. foot house with 1 bathroom and a 1 car garage, my student loans, car payments, diapers, groceries and  all the other fun stuff I spend my stolen money on?  And to think some people spend stolen money on lavish vacations, or expensive jewelry and things like that.  And here I am spending mine on bills for me and my family to get by on a monthly basis.  Wow, I must really be missing out…

Ms. Ihateyourlife:  Listen, I know exactly how much money I had in my account before I stayed here.  I should have $86 left in my account after my stay.  Now because ya’ll stole money from me, my account is overdrafted.

Spike:  Can you send me an email of a screenshot of your statement that shows that we took the $100 that is missing?

Ms. Ihateyourlife:  No I cannot!  How do I know you’re not going to steal anything else from me if I show you that!

Spike:  Well then I can’t help you

Ms. Ihateyourlife:  Are you gonna refund my money or am I gonna have to sue ya’ll?!

Spike:  Just because I’m sure you didn’t think this thought through before you said it, I’ll repeat what you said in English. You basically just said you would be willing to pay a lawyer more money per hour than what you are accusing us of stealing, and expecting a judge to not only take on this case, but get enough evidence against us that we actually did steal your money in order to award you the $100 in damages that you are seeking.  Does that sound about right?

Ms. Ihateyourlife:  I don’t think I like your attitude!

Spike:  I’m not sure that I care.  But, what I will do, is send you down to our assistant front office manager who it looks like checked you in.  She may have some more information on your situation.  Do you mind if I put you on hold for a second to see if she’s in her office before I transfer you to her?  You can also use this time to ponder your life?

(by the way, if you are sensing a dumb and dumber theme here and think it’s just a coincidence, it’s not)

Ms. Ihateyourlife:  Yea I’ll hold

I call our assistant front office manager and give her a heads up on what’s going on and make sure she’s in the office so that I can transfer her the call.  This all takes about 3-4 minutes

Spike:  Sorry for the hold ma’am, hope that was enough time to get you life in order.  I just spoke with our assistant front office manager who is at her desk waiting for your call, so I’ll send you down there now

Ms. Ihateyourlife:  Can I ask why it took so long?

Spike:  Why did it take so long?  Well the first few seconds the phone rang.  I think it rang three times so that’s about 6 or 7 seconds.  Then she picked up and I asked her if she had a minute to talk.  She said yes but to hold on while she goes into her office to take my call.  This took about 32 seconds.  Then I spent the rest of the time explaining to her the issue that you are having so you didn’t have to explain your issue to a fourth person since you said I was the third person you had spoken with up to this point.  Lastly I wanted to make sure she was in her office so when I transferred your call, you weren’t transferred to a line that no one was going to pick up and you’d have to leave a message.  Figured that would be my good deed for the day

Ms. Ihateyourlife:  Nah see this is why this whole thing is so fishy.  I wanted to explain to the manager the issue myself because now you spent all this time telling her about it and God knows what you said.   Ya’ll are scheming ya’ll guests outa their hard earned money so they don’t have money to pay for their rent!

Spike:  How are you alive?  You are the type of person that give people in our country a bad name. You wonder why we get laughed at by other countries?  It’s because of people like you.  You are the problem. Take some accountability for your own actions and prioritize your life a bit and maybe not live so close to the edge with your finances and you wouldn’t have over drafted your account for probably spending the missing $100 on booze that you conveniently forgot about. Great investment. Because if there is anything stupid people need more of, it’s booze.  And stop blaming good, honest people like me who have to take precious time out of their busy days to deal with scumbags like you, and have to hear how we are the ones that are the liars and cheats of this world.  I wonder if you ever got a job, you might be able to take the cynicism out of your life and see how the world really works and make yourself useful to society.  I suggest you try it.  There really should be a school just for idiots like you.  And we shouldn’t worry about offending anyone by calling it the idiot school because anyone that gets offended by it should probably go there.  And you don’t get a degree for graduating from this school.  You just get a slap in the face and a kick in the nuts (or whatever it is you got) for even having gone there to begin with.

Wow, that escalated quickly.  Did all that make sense?  Or do I need to write it all down for you and draw colorful pictures for you to understand?

Moral of the story:

For people who think the world is against you in every facet of your life, it’s not.  You control your own destiny.  If someone pissed you off, you have the CHOICE to decide whether you want that to control your life for the next few minutes, days, or longer.  You CONTROL your life.  And when you start acting like Ms. Ihateyourlife, the only person you are negatively effecting is YOURSELF!  Most people in this industry, especially ones that have a managerial title have gotten yelled at so many times that your words just rolls off our shoulders at this point.  The things you say don’t hurt our feelings no matter how hard you try.  So all you are doing is making yourself look more and more like an infant that shouldn’t be spending time with the general population.

I wasn’t joking about the idiot school, by the way.

The post See, this whole thing is just fishy… appeared first on Hotellmeaboutit.

You ever have those days where you just want to do this to someone?

It’s 9:20am.  By this point, it had been a decent morning.  My formula for determining that is, #1 if people are being nice to me, and #2 if my staff all showed up for their shifts.  So we were two for two.  Until I saw this crawling off the elevator:

Of course it wasn’t actually Joseph Gordon-Levitt who I was dealing with.  But that face…that’s the crap I’m talking about.  Imagine that walking up to you.  And I knew before even uttering these words that I shouldn’t have said it, but it was too late…

Spike: Hello ma’am how are you today?

Ms. Yusahoe: Not great.  Thanks for asking!

Spike: Shit, that’s why I hate asking that question

Ms. Yusahoe: Excuse me?

Spike: Nothing, how may I be of any less service to you?

Ms. Yusahoe: I was rudely interrupted last night to the sound of the fire alarm going off in the hotel. It was obnoxious and totally unnecessary to bother me during my stay for something like that.  I didn’t get any sleep

Spike: Well, Ms. Yusahoe, the alarm went off due to a guest that smoked in their room last night.  They opened their door to get air flowing in the room, but what happened was, the smoke from the room went out into the hallway and set off the building alarm.  I apologize for the inconvenience

Ms. Yusahoe: Oh, thanks for apologizing!  That makes it all better!  The problem is that the fire alarm went off at 2am.  Then I couldn’t get back to sleep and then missed my morning meeting – which was a very important meeting!  But your apology makes it all better, thanks!

Spike:  First off, sarcasm is like a second language to me so, with that said, thank you for not freaking out about this whole situation.  Now that we got that out of the way, what are you trying to get at from me, lady?  A free night?

Ms. Yusahoe:  I demand compensation for the lack of sleep I got last night and I want compensation for a future stay because I missed this meeting and who knows if I even still have a job anymore after today!

Spike: It would seem to me that if you don’t have a job anymore, it’s probably because of the way you conduct yourself as a human being and not so much because you missed this one meeting.  In a weird way, those jackasses that set off the fire alarm might have done your company a favor by you missing the meeting

Ms. Yusahoe: So who do I need to speak with to get compensation because it doesn’t seem like you are the right person

Spike:  Oh, no, I am the right person.  If I wanted to give you compensation, you would have already received it

Ms. Yusahoe: Well can you get me someone who can understand my issue and give me what I ask for?

Spike:  Oh, you wanted to talk to a little bitch puppet!?  We’re fresh out of those here, so the only person you have to talk to is me.  Yeaaaaa, sorrryyyy, not what you wanted to hear, was it?

Ms. Yusahoe:  You are being very unhelpful and unaccommodating and completely unsympathetic to my situation.  If this were to happen to you, I’m sure you’d be pissed off!  How many other people came down to complain this morning?  I can’t be the only one.

Spike:  In fact, not one other person came down to complain. You know why?  Because every other guest understands that the alarm going off was not something that could have been predicted or prevented by any of our staff, nor is it any fault of any hotel employee that a fire alarm went off for a completely random and unavoidable situation.  They also understand that even though a fire alarm went off at 2am, it’s unrealistic to put blame on a front desk agent for hitting their snooze button too many times and missing a meeting they probably should have set more than one alarm for if it was that important.  And above all, they understand that our completely functional fire alarm, as inconvenient as it might have been that early in the morning, would have potentially saved their lives if it were an actual emergency.  What I think happened is that you forgot to set your alarm and missed your meeting so you’re now looking for any excuse to get something out of us because your just pissed off at yourself for being such an airhead.  How’s that?  Am I in the right ballpark?

Ms. Yusahoe: You better know that I’ll be writing a very nasty review of your hotel and this situation

Spike:  The old, ‘I’m gonna write a nasty review’ routine, huh?  Like I haven’t heard that one before.  When you write the review, you can even mention my name if you’d like.  You need me to spell it?  It’s spelled G-E-T—T-H-E—H-E-L-L—O-U-T!

Moral of the story:

I don’t know, does this one need a moral?  I think this situation is pretty straight forward.  If a fire alarm goes off, don’t freak the eff out at the front desk.  They didn’t pull the alarm.  If it wasn’t an actual emergency, more than likely what happened was some dumbass drunk dude wanted to be funny and did it, so be mad at that guy for ruining your day.  And if you do complain to the front desk, before making yourself look like an idiot, go through the situation in your head and think about what you’re really going to say.  Do you really think screaming at the front desk over a fire alarm that could potentially save your life in a real emergency is worth it?  Save your breath.  Because in this day and age, emergencies are becoming more and more real each and every day.  So I don’t know about any of you, but when I hear an alarm of any sort, I’m haulin’ ass out of wherever the hell I am at any time of the day it happens, and thanking the powers that be that gave me that warning.

Well that’s my five cents.  Yes, I said five cents because my opinion is more valuable than most.  

The post So I guess ‘Fire Alarm’ is German for ‘comp everything!’ appeared first on Hotellmeaboutit.

“When a pissed off guest asks for a Manager, I wonder if walking out holding my infant daughter may help diffuse the situation.  I mean no one would dare yell at a woman holding a newborn, would they?”

-By Fran Desske

“Next time I gotta handle a guest complaint, I’m going to douse my shirt in ketchup and walk out like I’m bleeding profusely.  I’ll mention to the guest that I heard her issue of how she received two towels instead of four so I had to tell the ambulance to wait in the parking lot and put my potentially life threatening injury on hold for a minute while I took care of this utterly imminent issue”

-By Ima Chekyuwin

“Next time a guest yells at me when I valet their car for moving their seat, I’ll just ask them if they’d rather their seat be moved, or their car be brought up with a busted front end because I couldn’t reach the gas pedal because the guest is 6 foot 8 and I’m 5 foot 5…”

-By Val Laye

“Walking Guests = Actual Hell”.

-By Evry Wonn

“If Duck Dynasty can be as popular as it is, then throw a few cameras inside a hotel and put that shit on A&E.  Or Comedy Central.  I guess both would work just fine.”

-By Gina B. Astarr

“One time, on January 1st, I got a call from a guest who demanded an 8 am check in.  Keep in mind that the night prior, New Year’s Eve, was a night that we were completely sold out, thought we were selling rooms to human beings, however, turned out to be a ton of crazed lunatic hyenas that trashed the hotel and caused damage, noise, and a mess that FEMA will have to be called in to clean up – not to mention 5 housekeepers called off because they knew what kind of day was going to be upon them, and this guy is demanding an 8 am check in?  Of course we don’t have any rooms available, but I told him we did and to head over to the hotel anyways.  He got to the desk to check in and I proceeded to tell him that we indeed do not have any rooms available but that the only reason I had him come to the hotel early was to see the face of the guy who asked the most idiotic question of the year (literally) and handed him a name tag, a housekeeping uniform and a broom and told him to get to work.  I was fired the next day.”

-By Shooda Seendatcommin

“I hate voicemails.  I hate them.  So much so that if someone doesn’t tell me the reason for the message, I won’t call them back. That stupid orange light blinking over and over represents to me the level of annoyance the guest is going to give me when or if I decide to call them back.  Voicemails to me are like this year’s presidential election – you know you have to deal with it at some point because it’s not going away, but the though of it makes you want to punch an infant”

-By Don Givacrap

“On group contracts, I think we need to have a Webster’s Dictionary definition of the phrase ‘cutoff date’ in order to explain to people that it’s not the day in which you START making reservations, it’s the day the reservations CUT OFF.  Speaking of cutoff dates, when I get a call from someone and the first words out of their mouths are, ‘I know it’s past the cutoff date…’  I literally just hang up.”

– By Comonn Mayun

When you realize that you just checked in the last person of the night and it’s 8pm it’s like that feeling when you just get your screaming two year old to go to sleep.  It’s like, “cheyaa, this is daddies time now!”

-By Yuno Itstrew

“I love when I tell people we’re sold out and their first response to me is, ‘who even travels to this city?’  I always respond with, ‘well, smartass, you are traveling here…'”

– By Yu Wannago

“Next time a guest tells me they are superstitious and can’t stay in a room that is on the 13th floor, or has the numbers 1 or 3 in it, or adds up to 13, I’ll just put them on the 14th floor — which really is the 13th floor, we just don’t call it that.  Then when they check out the next day and nothing bad happens to them, I’ll be happy to point that out”

-By Supah Stishess

“Just a suggestion for any of you passive aggressive folks out there:  I would rather you scream at me than have you calmly tell me you’re upset and that we have the worst hotel staff you’ve ever come into contact with.  Being passive aggressive just makes me not want to help you and beat your face in even more”

By Yuzah Biche

“When a guest tells me they don’t want to give me their phone number because they don’t want to give us any personal information, what do you suppose is the nicest way possible to tell them that we already have their address and credit card number so the phone number should be the least of their worries?”

By Allya Stufsgone

“I can never understand people that continue to stay at my hotel over and over, and every time they stay, they have a complaint. Obviously we can’t make them happy so why the eff do they continue to stay?

-By Justop Stayinhere

Any early check in before 11am should be thought of as a privilege and an honor.  Not a right.

-By Itso Troo

“When a guest calls and asks if we have a good rate for them because they’re coming in for a family emergency – three weeks from now – all I want to do is call the cops because it seems like someone might be about to get murdered”

-By Seames Susspishesse

“A guest called and told me we were unaccommodating because they’re from the west coast, and they traveled to our hotel, which is on the east coast, and since they’re still used to a different time zone, we should have adjusted our breakfast time to be later for them.  Then, like a good, hospitable employee, I nodded in agreement, sympathized with them, then asked them calmly if they also thought it was unaccommodating that we provided snow as well instead of warm weather, you know, like they have on the West Coast.”

-By Isdiss Bichferreal

“When someone leaves me a nasty voicemail, and I don’t call them back right away, I usually get another, more offensive voicemail from that same person a few days later.  Now it is at this point that I call the person back and tell them that I was out of the office due to a medical emergency for the past few days and almost didn’t make it, but a colleague told me while I was in the hospital that I had a few voicemails from someone who really needed to speak with me, so I came into work a few days sooner than I needed to in order to help them.  Guarantee you the person will forget their whole issue.”

-By Tryit Sumtyme

Real life question from a guest:

“I heard you have a lot of shootings that happen in your city.  Can you tell me why I’d want to stay there?”  

This isn’t the friggin dating game.  If you don’t feel comfortable staying here, then don’t waste my time.  After wondering how to even answer that question, I finally spewed this out:

“Ma’am, those shootings happen in the city and not inside our hotel so you should be fine as long as you don’t go outside'”

Probably not the best answer…

-By Ohe Welle

Next time I come into work and we’re sold out AND it’s a citywide sellout with nowhere to walk anyone, I will walk myself…home”

-By M. Ployees Rywhere

The post Deep Hotel Thoughts appeared first on Hotellmeaboutit.

]]> https://www.hotellmeaboutit.com/blog/archived-blogs/deep-hotel-thoughts/feed 0 582 https://www.hotellmeaboutit.com/blog/if-you-have-ever-dealt-with-the-following https://www.hotellmeaboutit.com/blog/if-you-have-ever-dealt-with-the-following#respond Thu, 23 Jun 2016 16:06:16 +0000 http://www.hotellmeaboutit.com/?p=570 You know you work at a hotel when you have dealt with any or all of the following situations…on a daily basis.  If so, congratulations, you are a hotel employee.  Now let’s laugh at these shenanigans that we call our career!     When you ask a guest what room they’re in and they tell … Continue reading You know you work at a hotel when… →

The post You know you work at a hotel when… appeared first on Hotellmeaboutit.

]]> You know you work at a hotel when you have dealt with any or all of the following situations…on a daily basis.  If so, congratulations, you are a hotel employee.  Now let’s laugh at these shenanigans that we call our career!

When you ask a guest what room they’re in and they tell you a room number that doesn’t exist in your hotel

When a guest tries to cancel and you tell them they have to go through Expedia because it’s prepaid so they have to go through them to cancel and they say, “That’s impossible! I booked directly with you guys!”

When a guest says they’ve never heard of a hotel putting a hold on a credit card

Guest:  I can’t believe you’re sold out!  I really need a room.  Why are you guys so busy that day?!

Me :  There’s a huge concert taking place in the city

Guest:  Well that’s what I’m coming for

Me :

When a guest claims that they were told by the person who they made their reservation that they were never told that there was an extra charge for parking – and you were the one that made their reservation

When someone is reading their credit card to you…like incredibly slowly….like one number every 30 seconds…

When you’re making a reservation and you ask for an address and they come back with, “whose address do you need?”  I DUNNO…YOUR GREAT GRANDPA’S ADDRESS!?  I DON’T CARE, JUST GIVE ME A NUMBER AND A MADE UP STREET NAME FOR ALL I CARE!

When it’s 9am and you’re day is already shot to hell

When you get in a fight with your girlfriend, your grandma is in the hospital, you got a write up for being late, and 5 minutes before the end of your shift, a guest wants to get confrontational with you because he didn’t get a blanket he called for last night

When a guest complains because they didn’t know the hotel was in the suburbs and they didn’t know breakfast cost money and internet wasn’t free and there wouldn’t be a view of the ocean…

When your’re having a great day at work and then you realize that two tour buses full of guests who weren’t supposed to show up until 8 pm arrived 4 hours early.

When a guest asks you for the group rate when they booked on the day of arrival

When a guest tells you that you were rude and unhelpful

Inspection day at the hotel

When a guest spends 10 minutes complaining about stupid crap and then they finish with, “I’m not looking for compensation…”

When some random person asks you what room the VIP staying at your hotel is in

Guest:  Hi I was overcharged by your hotel

Me:  How much was the charge for?

Guest: I can’t remember:

Me:          

The post You know you work at a hotel when… appeared first on Hotellmeaboutit.

Why do hotels charge no show fees you ask?  Well, let me paint a picture for you.

It is a Saturday night.  The hotel has been sold out for this night for months as there is a huge concert in town. The whole city is completely sold out and everyone has rates close to $350.  Even the crappy hotel down the street is over $200 which is like a miracle in itself.  You are getting calls left and right for rooms for people that would gladly pay the $350 or more, if a room were to open up.  But, you have to keep telling people that want a room that you are sold out.  Well, Sunday morning rolls around and the AM Manager is told by the Night Auditor that there were three no shows last night.  And just that quickly, the Manager’s whole day just got flushed down the toilet because he/she knows that all those three guests had to do was call and cancel their reservations.  And if they had, we could have sold those rooms for $350 apiece and made an extra $1,050 in revenue.  Then, as sure as water’s wet, you get a call a few hours later from one of the no shows from Saturday night asking why they got a charge on their card when they never stayed at the hotel.  And, folks, that is where today’s story starts (and mind you, I will be writing verbatim how the guest spoke to me, just so you all don’t think I’m illiterate or anything).

Phone rings.

Spike:  Hello?

 Ms. Sumthinuperass:  You da Manager?!

Spike: Whoa, whoa, whoa, pump your brakes, lady.  I’m gonna need you to turn down your psycho dial just a tad bit.  It’s 8:30am and am in no mood for confrontation this early

 Ms. Sumthinuperass:  I got charged from your hotel!

Spike:  No way!  That’s awesome! Thanks for calling to tell us we charged you!  We have been known to charge people from time to time.  Was there more?  Or did you just want to call and chat?

Ms. Sumthinuperass:  I had a reservation for last night and I didn’t come and you still charged my card anyways!

 Spike:  Ohhh, now I see what’s going on, grouchy-puss.  Let me ask you a rhetorical question:  Did you call and cancel your reservation?

Ms. Sumthinuperass:  No I didn’t call to cancel.  I didn’t know I had to.  No one told me that!

Spike:  Yeaa, that’s what I thought.  So, what you’re telling me is, you need someone to inform you that if you’re not going to show up for a reservation at a hotel, that you have to call to tell them you’re not coming?   

Ms. Sumthinuperass:  You have got to be kidding me.  I need you to take this charge off my card.  It has over drafted my account now and I can’t pay my rent this month now because you charged my card without consulting me first!

Spike:  Listen here, Miss “I can’t take responsibility for my actions”, this is how it works.  A reservation is a contract.  We kept up our end of the deal by guaranteeing your room and not selling it to the hundred other people we could have given your room away to, that would have paid ten times what you paid.  You didn’t hold up your end of the deal by showing up.  End of story.  It is not our problem that you suck at finances and decided it was a better idea to rent a hotel room instead of paying your rent this month.  And I didn’t need to consult you when I charged your card last night because you were consulted when you gave us the card initially when we booked your room and then again when you got the multiple confirmations that were sent to you.  Chalk this one up to a learning experience – that is if you plan on learning from it

 Click, she hangs up on me.

Phone rings again 5 minutes later.

Spike:  WHAT!?

Aunt Sumthinuperass:  You da Manager?

Spike:  Ummm, yessssss…

Aunt Sumthinuperass:  Yea, you charged my niece for a hotel room she ain’t stay in.  I’m telling you that’s that bull and you need to take that off now

Spike:  Oh, now I got Auntie on the phone.  Baby can’t take care of her own problems, she’s gotta get big scary Auntie on the phone to handle it.  What do you even know about this situation?   What she told you about it?  Because I’m sure she told you that the hotel is the reason why she can’t pay rent this month and it’s the hotel’s fault that she can’t get a job, and it’s the hotel’s fault that she works as a stripper (I’m just assuming that last thing)

Aunt Sumthinuperass:  I stay in hotels all the time.  No other hotel does this sh*t!

Spike:  Oh, you stay in hotels all the time, so you know everything about them, right?  Why didn’t you say so!  Next time I have a guest issue, I’ll give you a call and you can help me through it.  As a matter of fact, I got one for you:  What would you tell a nasty ass lady that very obviously has no idea what she’s talking about, but she feels like she does because she talks loud and yells a lot so she can get what she wants?  Ya know, even though everything that’s coming out of her mouth is completely and utterly erroneous and idiotic.  What would you say to this lady?

Aunt Sumthinuperass:  I’m ’bout to get my lawyer on the phone! 

Spike:  Look at it this way:  if you are having a party and the people you invited confirmed that they were coming and then the night of your party, they just didn’t show up, I don’t think you’d like that too much, would ya?  Well this is the same thing, except I’m the one having the party and the penalty for not showing up to my party is one night’s room and tax.  The reason?  Because you obviously don’t have common courtesy (which doesn’t seem so common anymore, by the way).

Hangs up on me.

No joke – phone rings again 5 minutes later.

Spike:  Oh my freaking God, what!?

Momma Sumthinuperass:  Yea, my daughter called me and told me you be chargin’ her card for no reason

Spike:  Not even a hello?  How rude are you?  I guess by this point since I’ve talked to your whole family, we’re past that level in our relationship.  Yea, I just spoke to your dimwit daughter who couldn’t get through her thick skull that she no showed and didn’t call us to cancel so there’s a charge for that.  And then I spoke to her Aunt, which, by hearing you speak, I guess would be your sister?  Any who, I told her the same exact thing.  Both times I was hung up on.  So, please, tell me, which part of anything that I told them is so hard to understand that I had to talk to your whole family this morning?  Or are you just too crappy of a parent to acknowledge that your daughter screwed up and she needs to learn her lesson?

Momma Sumthinuperass:  She should never have been able to book this room anyways!  I was looking on your website and it says you have to be 21 years or older to get a room!  So even if she was going to come to check in, you wouldn’t honor her reservation anyways, right!?

Spike:  Wow, Sherlock!  I’m so glad that someone in your family can read!  And by the way you worded that, it sounds like you think you got me in a corner.  That’s so cute.  I could cut you off and shut you up right now, but it still sounds like you have nonsense spewing from your mouth so, please continue…

Momma Sumthinuperass:  Yes, she is under 21.  So how could she have known that you weren’t going to honor her reservation even if she did show up!?

Spike:  See, the problem is, your daughter should not have booked the room to begin with if she’s under 21.  And just as clearly as you saw it on our website, was just as clear as it was when she was booking the room.  Now if you’re telling me that your daughter is old enough to be able to book a hotel room all by herself using a computer, but does not have the mental wherewithal to read or understand rules set in place for that hotel and take responsibility for her actions when she is called out on them, then I’m pretty sure that goes back on your parenting skills, and not me as a Hotel Manager

Momma Sumthinuperass: If those are your rules, then why do you even let people under 21 book?!

Spike:  Let me start by repeating your question back to me, because maybe if I do that, it will sound less moronic.  ‘If those are your rules, then why do you even let people under 21 book?’ Wow, I’m not usually stumped on the stupidity of others but you might have me here.  Let me take a crack at it though. There is no way we can prevent anyone from booking our hotel via our website.  We do not ask for a birthday when you make a reservation.  We don’t have people in our back office sifting through a database every day and trying to weed out guests that look like their under 21 just by looking at their name.  Since there is no way to prevent people from booking, we have procedures in place – one of them being the note that shows up on the website that you so eloquently read back to me, as well as that same note on the confirmation she was sent – but at no point did your daughter see that policy and think, ‘hey, maybe I should call the hotel just to double check on this’.  She says she didn’t see it – just like what I say when my wife ask me why I didn’t wash the dishes.  And if she didn’t see it, she either needs friggin’ prescription goggles or she is lying and did look at it, and said, ‘whatever, I’m sure they don’t actually mean that’.  My suggestion?  You go home and yell at your daughter instead of me for trying to book a hotel room where, more than likely, she was going to engage in some sort of illegal activity anyways.  Maybe the question you need to ask yourself is, what is a teenage girl booking a hotel room for $200 for?  Then when you find out the answer to that question, you can apologize to me for taking time away from my morning that I can never get back.  How’s all that sound?

Momma Sumthinuperass: I’m done trying to talk with you. You take this charge off right now!

Spike:  Or what?  What are you gonna do?  Come on down here and beat me up?      

Momma Sumthinuperass: I’m ’bout to come down there and kick yo motha $@&#*$!

Spike:  Oh damn.  She called me out!

Well, about 25 minutes later, the cops show up asking for me.  In no way did I think the cops showing up had anything to do with this situation, but I was wrong.  The cop said that there was a crazy lady that called them and told them to come down to the hotel because I charged her daughter money illegally.  In fact, I told the cop, I was about to call them myself because that ‘crazy lady’ they were referring to just threatened to come down to the hotel and beat me up.  And judging by her voice, she was a bigggg lady and probably could have.

 Moral of the story:

EVERY hotel has some sort of no show policy and cancelation policy.  Not all hotels have an age policy, but the more reputable ones most likely do.  A normal no show policy is 24 to 48 hours.  If you do call to cancel your reservation within that time frame, you may be subject to a penalty as was stated when you booked the room.  Don’t call up and complain about this because these are all things you were told would be the case when you booked if you cancelled within the cancelation window.  And I say ‘may’ be subject to a penalty because not all the time do you get charged.  People that work in hotels are normal people like you and I and we have a heart.  So, if it’s a family emergency or situation out of your control, a lot of places will work with you.  All of this is also dependent on how you booked your reservation. If you booked via Expedia, Travelocity, or any other third party site, more than likely your reservations is not cancelable and non changeable and you can’t cancel it or modify it even if it’s 2 weeks out.  But understand that we can’t just write off every single charge that a guest questions us on because if we did that, then what would be the point of having a cancelation policy or no show policy?  On that note, don’t call and fake it and say your flight got cancelled or something when it really didn’t because most hotels are not dumb and can check the incoming flights and see if it actually was cancelled or not.  So save yourself the embarrassment and don’t do that.

Any who, if you do not decide to call and cancel your reservation and it no shows, the chances of you getting a refund are slim to none.  Just as the situation I laid out in the intro to this post, hotels turn down other guests that want the room you booked.  And when you don’t show up, and then call wanting a refund, all the hotel can think is that they could have sold your room 50 times over if they had just known you weren’t coming.  That is why a lot of hotels don’t have any sympathy for you when your reservation no shows and you had an opportunity to call to cancel.

Oh, and I know you are all clenching your fists in anticipation, but, Momma Sumthinuperass never showed up to fight me.  The legend of Spike musta been too much for her.

The post I’m gonna come down there and kick yo motha *%&$#*)!@ appeared first on Hotellmeaboutit.

“How hard is your job?”  “Don’t you just check people in and check people out and answer the occasional phone call?”  “How hard is it for you to give me the service I deserve as a paying guest? “

These are common misconceptions that most guests have about hotel employees, whether they’re nice about it or not.  Well, I have some follow up questions for them:

Have you ever worked in a hotel?

Do you know what hotel employees go through on a daily basis?

Do I walk into your place of business and assume all you do is sit at a desk all day and answer phones?

A hotel is like an iceberg.  What you as the guest see is the pretty side that is supposed to look beautiful and pristine, but there is a lot more going on than what it looks like on the surface.  Sometimes when people come to understand the common misconceptions of things they normally take for granted, they come to have a newfound respect for the things that they learned about.  If one person that reads this learns something from this, I’ve done my job.  Maybe next time they stay at a hotel, they’ll think twice before lecturing a hotel employee about what they think they know.

1. You are a guest checking in. You walk up to the desk and the front desk agent is on the phone. You tilt your head to the side and give them a nasty look like, ‘hey, do you see me?  I’m trying to check in, here!’

Just so you know, our first priority are guests that are standing in front of us – not necessarily the people on the phone.  So don’t for one second think we’re purposely trying to be rude to you by answering a phone call while checking you in or asking you to hold on one minute while we finish the phone call we are currently on.  Most hotel companies have a three ring policy where the phone has to be picked up within three rings.  If you were the one calling the hotel, I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if no one picked up the phone for two minutes straight.

Since you’ve never worked in a hotel, I’m sure you’ve never heard of the crazy, stupid questions we get (see my Stupid is as stupid…is blog).  For all you know, the person that the front desk agent is on the phone with when you walk up to the desk has been on hold for 10 minutes already and has just told the desk agent that if they get put on hold one more time, they will file a complaint. The agent waits for the right time to finally take the call when there aren’t any other guests at the desk, in order to help the complaining person on the phone, and then boom.  You walk up.  The front desk agent has a decision to make – piss you off by having you wait, or piss off the person on the phone knowing that the next time they get put on hold, it will probably cost the hotel lost business and a bad review.  Who to choose?  The snarling guest waiting to check in that is staring at the front desk agent like their trying to use telepathy to throw them against a wall?  Or the irritated guest on the phone who is so fed up with being on hold that anything that rhymes with the word hold is going to make her punt her cat.  There is no winning scenario here.  Trust me, the last thing a hotel agent wants to do is have to choose between these two scenarios.  But this situation happens multiple times every day.  Truth is, you don’t know what’s taking place on the other end of that phone call. Sometimes we get calls where guests want to tell us about their life story and there is no good way to shut them up to put them on hold.  Just do us all a favor and stand patiently in line while we finish with the person on the phone.

2. After #1, I might as well bring this one up: You are calling a hotel to ask some questions about the hotel and you get placed on hold…a few times.

We don’t like putting you on hold.  We’d much rather just finish up with you and let you on your way. But, in most hotels, the front desk agents are the ones answering the phones.  The front desk is the control center for the hotel.  What that means is that at any given second, we’re either checking guests in or out, getting calls from our in-house guests for more towels, getting calls for maintenance to come up because the heat is not working, a guest stopping down to tell us how bad their meal was at the restaurant last night, a guest telling us that they didn’t have a car and shouldn’t have been charged for valet, a guest found a hair on their bathroom floor and they should be comped, and MANY more.  Even though we have no control over anything that really goes on in the rest of the hotel, we are the ones that deal with it.  So, when you call and you want to know how much valet parking is, and how close we are to the stadium, or if we charge for our shuttle, or if our rooms have refrigerators in them, remember that we are also dealing with guests already inside our hotel that may have a bigger issue than asking me if we charge for our airport shuttle.  And no, I’m not going to tell you I’m putting you on hold because I’m currently in the middle of being berated by a guest for a housekeeping issue I literally had nothing to do with.  I’m just going to ask if I can put you on hold, and I expect you to just deal with it.  If you don’t like it, then don’t be lazy asking me questions you can easily look on our website for.  As a matter of fact, you can probably get answers to your questions faster looking online than it would take calling me.  Your cooperation in this matter is expected and appreciated!

3. When we ask for your photo id as well as your credit card and you roll your eyes because you have to dig out your ID.

Oh, I’m sorry, are we bothering you with having you dig through your jam-packed wallet for your photo ID?  Guess what?  I don’t really care!  We’re doing you a favor, sir.  By us asking for your photo ID along with your credit card, we’re making sure that you are who you say you are and that you’re not using a stolen credit card.  As much as you think in the 45 seconds we’ve had the pleasure of talking that you think we know you well enough to not have to ask you for your photo ID, truth is, we don’t, and for that reason, I’ll need that ID.  I’m sure you’d also be the type of person that if someone stole your credit card and used it somewhere, your first question would be, ‘why didn’t the clerk check an ID!?’  For some reason, when it comes to security, people have a big issue with it until something bad actually happens.  The thing is, you know the reason we have to ask for your ID and you still roll your eyes at us.  Trust me, last thing we want to do is drag this whole check in process out any longer than it has to be.  So, next time, just hand me your ID and say thank you for asking!

4. When you get mad at a front desk agent when they won’t give you a key to a room you asked for because your name is not on the reservation and you don’t have any photo ID on you.

Here is a true nightmare story for you.  One night, a Mrs. Jones goes to a hotel in order to get away from her abusive husband. She planned on going to the cops the next morning about what has been taking place inside their home. Mr. Jones decides he wants to go hotel to hotel trying to find her – only asking the question: “I need a key for the room under Jones”.  Mr. Jones didn’t even know if his wife was staying at the properties he was at.  He was hoping someone at a front desk would slip up and say yes so he could track her down.  Well, indeed that happened.  A front desk employee at a nearby hotel said that they had a Mrs. Jones staying.  The husband asked for a key.  The employee told Mr. Jones that without his name on the reservation, he cannot get a key.  Mr. Jones got in the agents face and said, “I’m her husband and there has been an emergency and I need to speak with her immediately!” He took out his photo ID and showed the agent and the address matched the one on file for the wife.  The agent frantically gave the husband a key where he proceeded to go up to the room and cause a domestic disturbance inside the hotel.

Why did I tell this horrific story?  Because we don’t know you.  As much as we’d like to trust everything you tell us, we can’t.  Case and point – Mr. Jones.  He even had a photo ID that matched the address on file.  But his name wasn’t on the reservation because the wife, of course, didn’t want him to know where she was. 

And let me be clear – if you are one of those people that think that our entire purpose at the front desk is to make your life miserable by asking you these annoying questions like, ‘do you have a photo id on you?’  Or, ‘hold on just one second while I call the room to get confirmation that it’s ok to give you a room key,’ then I just feel sorry for you.  This is all for your safety and security.  The above scenario was one of the more drastic cases – but they do happen.  In most cases, it’s just someone in your group that locked themselves out of your room and they can’t get key from us because their name isn’t on the reservation.  But you didn’t feel like spending the time at check in to give us all the names of the individuals in your room – either that, or you didn’t want to get charged extra for having more people in the room than you originally booked your reservation for.  (Just a side note – we’re not stupid.  When you call and ask for 8 sets of towels and 4 pillows and blankets, we know there’s not just two people in the room).  I digress.  The point here is that the front desk, in addition to accommodating to your every need while you stay at the hotel, also acts as your personal security guards.  Do not freak out on us for performing the normal protocol that we are supposed to do when situations like this arise.  In this day and age, security is getting more and more important in the world and we’re just trying to protect you.

5. When you tell us that the last time you stayed at our hotel, you paid $100 lower than what we’re quoting you right now and you can’t understand why our rates are so much higher.

You are staying in the middle of summer, which happens to also be the night of the Paul McCartney concert when the whole city will be sold out, and you really want to know why our rate is so much higher than the last time you stayed in the dead of winter?

Do you know what supply and demand is? You probably learned about it in school.  Well, it turns out it’s a real thing and hotels use it all the time to set rates. The reason you got a lower rate the last time you were here is because it was the dead of winter, and there was literally nothing going on in town. When you have a city wide event taking place that will more than likely sell all the hotels out in the city, you better believe rates are getting jacked up.  Don’t make yourself sound like a dumb ass.  Before asking the question about why our rates are higher than the last time you stayed, do a little research on what’s going on in the city you’re traveling to.  If you are coming to the Paul McCartney concert, chances are, EVERYONE ELSE IS COMING FOR THAT TOO.  Which means, rates get raised.  We don’t just put rates out there because we feel like it.  There is a science behind it, but since you can’t even comprehend supply and demand, I’m sure not going to start explaining how we set rates.

6. When you tell us to match the price of what the crappy hotel down the street is quoting you.

Yes, our hotel is $50 higher than the competitor you want us to match the rate for.  Do you know why?  No, of course not because who does research anymore?  We’re $50 higher because we have free breakfast every day and the other hotel charges for it.  We have free wireless internet.  The other hotel charges for it.  We have free use of our fitness center and pool.  The other hotel doesn’t even have one of those.  And you still want to know why I will not match your rate? By the time you pay for all of the things over there that you would get free with us, you’d actually be saving money.  But, if you want their rate that bad, then stay there!  You will get what you pay for, I’m afraid.  You wouldn’t walk into a BMW dealership and tell them to match the rate that you were quoted from your local Toyota dealership.  Why would it be any different doing that in this scenario?

7. When you try to book a room at your corporate rate, are told it’s not available, but book it anyways. Then come to check in, stay for 4 nights, then at checkout, tell us that you were supposed to get your corporate rate.

No.  No you weren’t.  You know this.  We know you seasoned travelers like to get sneaky every now and again, but if you didn’t want to pay what we quoted you, you didn’t have to book it.  No one put a gun to your head.  That would be like me going to an expensive restaurant, ordering oysters for an appetizer, a filet mignon for dinner and tiramisu for dessert, eating all of it, and then telling the waiter, ‘oh, sorry, I didn’t realize the price of the items I had ordered.  I ate everything, but can I still get a discount?’  As I stated above, setting rates is a science.  Every rate that is out there is strategic to the numbers we have to reach in order to make our monthly/yearly budgets, strategic to where we plan on stacking ourselves up in respect to the other hotels in our market, and what our forecasted goals are going forward.  You playing the, ‘I was supposed to get my corporate rate’ card screws all of that up. Not to mention, we know your tricks. You try to go to the new person at the desk and guilt them into changing your rate for you because they may not know better.  Just know the chances of you trying to get your rate switched at checkout after you’ve already stayed is slim to none.  So don’t waste your time telling me that your company won’t approve you paying any higher than a $112 rate, or that you were told to just stop at the desk at checkout and we would change it.  You are lying and you need to just leave before I slap you.  And I am a man.  So when I slap people, I get upset because men shouldn’t slap people.  So I don’t want to slap you. I want to hit you.  With a chair.  But I don’t want to get arrested. So I’ll resort to slapping. Ok I’m done.

8. When you yell at the valets because it’s taking a while for your car to come up.

Few things to note with this.  First, check the weather.  If it’s the middle of winter, do you just hop in your car and just drive away when you leave for work in the morning? No?  Well then it must be some sort of dream world you live in where the valets use magic fairy dust that melts the ice and snow away from your windshield faster than you ever could.  It’s winter, bud.  It’s going to take a few extra minutes for us to bring your car up.  Unless you’d rather us drive your car without being able to see out of the windshield and leave you with all the scraping.  Oh and an extra few bucks tip would be nice for the trouble…

Secondly, we go on a first come first serve basis.  If ten people hand me their ticket before you hand me yours, guess what?  Your 11^th in line so better go get a coffee because it’s gonna be a minute.

Thirdly, look at the lobby. If it looks like there’s 50 people aimlessly wandering around the lobby with seemingly nothing to do, then likely they’re all waiting for their car.  If you hand me your ticket and tell me you’re late for a flight so we should get your car next, that’s not gonna fly (pardon the pun.  Actually, don’t pardon it at all; I kinda like it).  You expect that none of the 50 people standing in our lobby saw you walk up to me and whisper for me to put your car ahead of all the rest of them and expect me to just send you on your way without one of those 50 people in the lobby giving me the business?  It’s not my fault you hit the snooze button 15-too many times and are running late so now you need me to move you to the front of the line and enrage a bunch of other paying guests who handed me their tickets at least 10-15 minutes before you did.  Better catch the next flight. 

9. When you book a standard room and in your requests you write in that you want an upgrade to the presidential suite. Then when you check in and you weren’t upgraded, you get upset.

If you wanted the presidential suite so bad, then you should have booked it.  If a hotel even has one, more than likely they only have ONE of them.  So guess who’s got the first dibs at it?  THE PERSON THAT BOOKED THE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE!  You getting upset at me for not upgrading you to our most expensive room and paying our cheapest rate makes me want to – dare I say – slap you.  And a request is just that – a request (the request topic will have to be for another day).  Obviously you wanted the nicest room in the hotel without having to pay for it.  Listen, there’s nothing wrong with asking.  Sometimes, it may actually work in your favor.  But by the holy wrath of God, do not get bent out of shape at us for not upgrading you when it wasn’t a room type you had reserved. 

10. You are the best man at your friend’s wedding. They have a block of rooms at a hotel set aside for the group but you haven’t made your reservation yet.  You call the week prior to the day you are supposed to check in and are told the group rate is no longer available.  And you get upset…

This is one of the top annoyances that any hotel employee has to deal with.  Any group block has, at the very least, up to about three weeks prior to the date the group is set to arrive for their guests to call in and get the rate.  In most situations, the cutoff date for the block is a month out.  For those of you that are not aware, a cutoff date is a date in which the negotiated rate for a block is good until.  Take this example:  if you hold 20 rooms in a block at a negotiated rate of $129 and your block only picks up a total of two rooms, the other 18 would release back to our inventory on the cutoff date – about three to four weeks out – and would then sell for whatever the hotel decides to sell them at as the $129 rate is not available anymore.  If we didn’t have a cutoff date, those 18 rooms would just sit there in a block that aren’t getting picked up and by the people that held them, and other random guests calling for rooms wouldn’t be able to book them.  Therefore, for other random guests, it would seem that we don’t have rooms to sell, when in fact we do – they’re just sitting in a block.  So now, a week out, we only have four rooms left to sell in the entire hotel and they’re going for $219 per night and then Mr. Best Man calls and demands his group rate, you can see why it perturbs us so much.  This dude had months and months to book this room and would have gotten the group rate with no issue, but he procrastinated and decided to wait till a week out when we’re almost sold out and expects us to give him the rate.  Nahhh.  Now you know why…

11. When you check in and don’t have a credit card to put down for the room. And then you tell us that no one told you that you needed a credit card to check in.

Saving the best for last.  For those of you that this scenario describes, you should never stay in a hotel.  Ever. It is the year 2016.  If you do not have a credit card when you travel, then why are you traveling? And you KNOW you were not told by anyone that you didn’t need a credit card to check in with.  This is not some crappy motel where you pay by the hour and we hand you a key so you can do whatever you want. The reason I’m taking a credit card is to guarantee that you have enough money to pay me.  In addition, we take an incidental authorization which varies based on the hotel. This is standard procedure and if it goes unused, it will release back to your card within a few business days after you check out.  If it’s a debit card – it could be longer – all depends on your bank.   And I say business days because WEEKENDS DON’T COUNT, PEOPLE!  The reason for the incidental authorization is so you can charge incidental items to your room (phone calls, lounge, restaurant, gift shop, etc).  And the REAL reason we do it is because if you overflow your Jacuzzi tub, pull the phone cord out of the wall, break the bed frame, and smash cake frosting into our carpets, we have extra money to charge you for the damages.  If you are traveling to a hotel, and we swipe your card, do not call us the day after you check out telling us we over drafted your account.  Maybe, just maybe, if you were so close to the edge, you shouldn’t have been traveling?!?  (See my Who needs a credit card these days? Blog).  When you rent a car, they do all this same stuff and no one says anything.  Why is it that when people stay in a hotel, it’s automatically something they’ve never heard of before?  When you tell us that you don’t have a card at check in, a red flag gets raised that you and your crew are up to no good.  So even if you do come up with the money, more than likely you’ll be getting kicked out before midnight anyways.  And when we kick you out, don’t ask us for a refund because you’re not getting one.

Oooweee, that took a lot outa me.  Hopefully someone learned something today.  All of this talk made me hungry for a philly steak and cheese.  Don’t ask why.

The post 11 common hotel scenarios that misrepresent hotel employees (and why) appeared first on Hotellmeaboutit.

Rule #3:  Be entirely sure of the situation before accusing a hotel employee of anything

 There is really no setting this one up.  It’s pretty obvious by the title what the situation is.  All I can tell you is that it was a huge checkout day so there were people everywhere.  Right when we’re at our busiest, of course, this dude walks up to me and this is how it goes

Spike:  Hello, sir.

Mr. Yellsalot:  Hi, you’re a Manager, I assume?

Spike:  What gave it away?  The suit I’m wearing versus the jackets and khakis that my valets are wearing?

Mr. Yellsalot:  Your valet was joyriding in my car!

Spike:   Whoa, whoa, whoa, that’s a pretty serious accusation.  Did you witness it yourself?  Oh, and by the way, if you could yell any louder, that would be great.  I was hoping that the guests still eating breakfast could hear about your issue.  But please, continue.  I would love to hear how this one goes.

Mr. Yellsalot:  I checked in yesterday at 4pm and didn’t ask for my car again until this morning about 10 minutes ago. I know exactly what mileage I had on my car when I pulled in here and it’s about 200 miles more right now.  Can you explain this to me?

Spike:  Let’s start by doing some simple math.  200 miles is roughly 3 hours.  So what you are actually telling me is, my valet was gone for 3 hours, joyriding in your Dodge Stratus and no one realizing he was gone?

Mr. Yellsalot:  It sounds like management need to do a better job of keeping an eye on your valets!

Spike:  Ok, smartass, yesterday when you checked in, I was working.  I remember you and your crappy car.  I also had 3 valets scheduled – one of them being a supervisor.  Don’t you think that either myself, the valet supervisor, or, hell, anyone working in the building at all, would wonder where a valet went for 3 hours on a busy night when I only have 3 of them scheduled to begin with?  Not only that, if one of them were to decide to take your car out for a spin, I’m thinking they would have chosen any other car we had in our possession last night versus your beat up piece of crap car that sounds like it’s about to blow up any second. 

Mr. Yellsalot:  I want to get reimbursed for gas money that was spent joyriding in my car too.  This is insane!

Spike:  But you didn’t let me finish.  Not only will I not be giving you gas money for joyriding that didn’t occur, I will be putting your picture up on my dart board I keep in my office for target practice.  

Mr. Yellsalot:  You explain to me another option of how this could happen if your ‘trusted’ valets didn’t take my car out!  Give me another explanation then!

Spike:  You got it, man.  Where did you drive in from?

Mr. Yellsalot:  Cleveland!

Spike:  Which is about 200 miles from here, right?

Mr. Yellsalot:  Yea, so what?!

Spike:  You know what’s up.  Stop pretending like you’re still confused.  You drove here from Cleveland, OH, which is about 200 miles  away from here, and it probably took you around three hours to get here too, right?!

Mr. Yellsalot:  Are you telling me that I’m making this whole thing up?!

Spike:  Actually, based on your pompous tone, it seems like you still actually believe that someone here stole your car for three hours.  So maybe you’re apparently too dense to realize what is going on.  You obviously remembered your mileage from before you left your house instead of remembering your mileage when you arrived here like you said. From Cleveland to here is about 200 miles and three hours away, which is basically the time and the distance that you said my valets were joyriding in your car.  That is no coincidence, bro.

Mr. Yellsalot:  This is horse shit and I’m telling everyone what your valets do here.

Spike:  You still think that the valet who took this supposed joyride in your car really had nothing better to do at work last night then go on a road trip halfway to Cleveland BY HIMSELF, then decide, ‘hey, I should probably get back to work’, and make it back before anyone realized he was gone?

Mr. Yellsalot looked at me, shook his head and started to yell out into the lobby full of people.

Mr. Yellsalot:  DON’T PARK YOUR CAR WITH THE VALETS!  IF YOU ALREADY DID, CHECK YOUR MILEAGE!

Spike:  Hey, jackass, you know you screwed up.  I know you won’t admit it, but inside you know what really happened and now you feel like a dolt because you realize what a bonehead you just made yourself look like in public.  And that makes you upset because you usually don’t make those types of mistakes, which makes you angrier, which is why you are leaving here without apologizing to me for yelling at me for no reason in front of other guests who now think that our valets joyride in cars.  So, leave my hotel right now before I tell my valet to drive your car into the nearest river and put it out of its misery.

Moral of the Story

I mean, do I really need a Moral of the Story for this one?  I guess all I could say is if you really think you have an issue with a staff member, be an adult about it and don’t yell into a crowd of people about your issue.  I know in your convoluted mind, you think it makes you look tough but it really just makes you look like a dweeb to everyone around.  Before attacking staff, just get all your ducks in a row before you berate someone or you may end up like our friend, Mr. Yellsalot who might need to go back to his 7th grade math teacher to figure out how I schooled him.

Follow me on Twitter @hotellmeaboutit

You Want WHAT??? – Concierge Tales from the Men and Women Who Make Las Vegas Dreams Come True

The post Your valet was joyriding in my car! appeared first on Hotellmeaboutit.

Rule #2:  Don’t be a demanding jerk know-it-all to whoever it is you’re talking to

Ever heard of not pissing off people that handle your food?  Same thing here, except instead of a chef spitting in your food, you’re going to get your room rate doubled.  Sounds like a lose-lose situation.

If you really don’t want to piss us off, don’t ever tell us that you want a lower rate AFTER you check out of a hotel.  Just don’t ask it.  Don’t even think about it. Unless you are sincerely sure there is an error.  This question really ticks us off.  The people that ask this question don’t understand hotels, or, business in general.  Because if they did, they would understand why everyone staying in a hotel probably has a different rate than the person staying next to them.  Just like if you have ever flown on an airplane – more than likely, everyone paid a different price for the plane ticket.   This isn’t a grocery store where Milk is $4.29 for everyone.  Setting rates is a science in most hotels and there are various reasons why rates are what they are.

But I’m sure Ms. Knowitall already knew all that.

Phone rings.

Spike:  Hello, this is Spike

Ms. Knowitall:  Hi, I’d like to speak with a Manager

Spike:  I can tell by the tone of your voice that you have an issue, and, I’m just gonna be honest, I am really not in the mood to deal with it right now.  But I guess I have no choice, so, what do you want?

Ms. Knowitall:  I just had a conversation with the woman that is in the room next to me.  She mentioned to me that she got a much lower rate than I did. Can you explain to me how that is possible?

Spike:  Well let’s just work through this together, shall we?  When did you make your reservation?

Ms. Knowitall:  Last night.

Spike:  By any chance in your colorful conversation with your next door neighbor, did they mention to you when they booked their reservation?

Ms. Knowitall:  They also booked it last night.

Spike:  Now, ma’am, you do remember that I have a computer in front of me that tells me that your lying right?  I’m looking at your neighbor’s room and they booked it 4 months ago. Good try, but let’s move on.  What room type did they book?

Ms. Knowitall:  I have no idea, but why should that matter?!

 Spike:  You’re right. Our Presidential suite that is 1,500 square feet with a fireplace, heated toilet seat, stocked mini bar, and 60 inch TV should be the same price as the standard king bed studio suite.  Let’s review:  You have an Executive King suite with a Jacuzzi tub.  They booked a standard handicapped king room.   Did you guys perhaps speak about how long you are both staying in the hotel for?

Ms. Knowitall:  They said they’ve been here for three days already.  I was just here for last night.

Spike:  Ohhhh, ok.  So, you just came in for New Year’s Eve for one night.  And they were here for three days prior to that, and, for your information, staying for another two days after.  And you really still can’t figure out why your rate was higher?

Ms. Knowitall:  All I know is I want my rate switched down to whatever rate they had.

Ms. Knowitall:  If you do not change my rate, I will write something on Tripadvisor that management was unhelpful and price gouges their customers!

Spike:  The old ‘I’ll write a comment on Tripadvisor’ routine.  Never heard that one before.  That’s your plan – to lie on Tripadvisor?  What a life you lead.  You must be so proud.  Let’s revisit our conversation – your neighbor booked a Standard Handicap King room for five nights and booked it four months ago.  You booked an Executive King suite with a Jacuzzi tub for one night, which happened to be one of the busiest nights of the year, and booked the same day you arrived.  Are you still confused?

Ms. Knowitall:  Well I shouldn’t be penalized because I bought a more expensive room.  That was all you guys had.  If you had a standard room I would have just bought that!

Spike:  My therapist told me that I need to work on my breathing exercises when I feel like I want to annihilate somebody.  And right now, I can feel my brain starting to pulsate with anger because of how incredibly, unbelievably absurd you sound right now.  Your statement does not warrant any further answer from me.  So I think I’m going to just wait for you to just hang up because I’m too stunned by your stupidity to even respond.

 Ms. Knowitall:  Well you just bought yourself a very bad Tripadvisor comment!

MORAL OF THE STORY

And that is how a bad Tripadvisor comment is born!  In reality, people threaten us with this type of stuff all the time, and they sometimes actually do write nasty reviews about us when we literally did nothing wrong.

In reference to our little friend’s issue above, as I stated, setting hotel rates is a science.  In my time as a Revenue Manager, that is what I did for a living.  Think about it: Why would I charge someone that is staying at my hotel for five days more, or even the same rate as a person that is only staying for one night?

Think about it this way.  If you ran a hotel and you had the choice of two guests:  Guest #1 – six night stay for $100 per night, or, Guest #2 – Two night stay for $250 per night, which would you choose?  The six nighter, of course, because they are giving you $600 in total revenue versus the other person only giving you $500.

On top of this, it is not my problem that she booked an upgraded room being that was all we had left.  If she didn’t want to pay the price for that room, she didn’t have to pay it.  No one put a gun to her head and forced her to book a room at a hotel that she didn’t want to stay in.  This is another reason why you will get no sympathy from anyone at a hotel when you request a lower rate after staying in an upgraded room – especially after you already spent the night.

And lastly, rates at hotels will change every day.  Sometimes multiple times throughout the day depending on what’s going on.  Don’t act like just because you called two weeks ago and got a certain rate that the same rate can be honored now. That’s not how it works.  The rate has gone up because the hotel is busier than it was two weeks ago, and we now have less rooms left to sell.  It’s supply and demand.  The more you have of a product, the less the price is for it; the less you have, the higher the price gets.

This was basically your Revenue Management 101 course.  These three things I mentioned are three of the bigger determining factors in how rates are set – room type being booked, date in which it is being booked, and number of nights staying. There are many other factors that determine a rate structure, but if I go into all of that, you’ll be as confused as a Kardashian in an electronics store.

Follow me on twitter @hotellmeaboutit

 

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Subscribe here to stay up to date on my latest blogs!

Email Address

Subscribe

How May We Hate You?: Notes from the Concierge Desk

The post Want a lower rate when you stay in hotels? appeared first on Hotellmeaboutit.