It is my sincere hope that everyone who attended Parenting in SPACE 2013 agrees with me when I say what an incredible weekend that was! While it took me about two full days to recover (I am fortunate in that I didn’t have to jump back into the role of parent, so my hat goes off to all of you that did!), I can easily say that it was well worth it.

As House Calls Counseling’s therapy intern, my involvement at the conference was admittedly much different than it was for parents. Even so, I think there was a shared experience that united everyone together no matter what our role – parent, grandparent, therapist, or intern.

In thinking about what made this experience so unique and special for me personally, I could talk about the amazing presentations that covered everything from the basics of SPACE and attachment, to Behavior Management and Theraplay Techniques. I could also talk about how we all learned to use Improv techniques with kids (anyone else still shouting “Next on Maury!”??), or how we practiced SPACE by engaging in group role plays. I could even talk about how great Saturday night’s live entertainment by Billy Kaplan and Christine Moers was.

But instead of all that good stuff, I would like to take this opportunity to highlight the reason the conference takes place in the first place, and that is all of you parents out there.

As the conference started, I couldn’t help but feel a great sense of pride for all of you parents that made the journey to Zion to participate in Parenting in SPACE 2013. I know that you traveled from near and far, and made significant time and financial sacrifices to be there. The fact that you all care enough about your children, and more importantly enough about yourselves (!!), to attend the conference is truly special and deserves recognition.

Beyond this, I was really blown away by the sense of community that was felt throughout the weekend. I think being part of a community was such a powerful thing – we could both support and feel supported by people going through similar experiences, and the impact can be both positive and long lasting. The need for a community of support when we’re going through something as demanding as being a therapeutic parent is incredibly high, and I’m so happy for you that this SPACE (pun intended, haha!) was provided for you at this conference.

Leaving the weekend, I could only hope that your conference “high” would not fade too quickly, and if it did that you could continue to connect with one another so that you never lose that sense of community that emanated throughout the entire weekend. Now almost a month out, I hope that you are still connecting with each other and with everyone at House Calls Counseling so that you get the support you need and deserve!

I send my sincerest thanks to everyone who came, shared, felt, laughed, and cried at Parenting in SPACE 2013. I hope that your journey in SPACE was as special as mine, and I wish you and your families all the best moving forward!

 Make sure you register and take part in this great opportunity to meet fellow parents and attachment-focused professionals! Click below to register so you can join us for Parenting in SPACE 2013!

Parents and therapists alike agree that children with attachment difficulties are, in many ways, not like other “healthy” children who grew up in warm, nurturing, and consistent homes that allowed for them to feel safe and secure. From the way children with attachment difficulties relate (or perhaps don’t relate) with us, to the way they often disproportionately respond to either our love or our discipline, they are, without a doubt, different and unique. With this in mind, it makes sense that traditional therapies simply don’t work for these kids!

Attachment difficulties occur on a continuum (and truth be told, we all probably have some degree of our own attachment issues!), and at the extreme end is where you’ll find kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). These kids bring an even more unique challenge to parents and therapists, and again, traditional therapies are probably even less likely to have much of an effect.

That’s where neural reorganization may come in.

Neural reorganization is a technique and approach that gives you and your child the chance to hit a reset button! Through this practice, you will re-create their early childhood experiences – such as crawling on the tummy, creeping on hands and knees, sensory stimulation, vestibular stimulation, and whole body reflexes – which will allow their brain to experience what it missed out on early on.

With neural reorganization, you and your child can look forward to healthy emotional, behavioral, academic, and physical functionality, but it does take a commitment. While some changes are usually seen within two weeks, altogether it is an 18-month to two-year process, with daily activities averaging an hour a day.

Emily Beard, neurological reorganization practitioner and featured presenter at this year’s Parenting in SPACE Conference, speaks to the science behind how children develop attachment difficulties, explaining how critical the first few months of life are in terms of forming the pre-verbal and relational parts of our brains. She goes on to explain how neural reorganization can “un-do” this, by saying:

“Neurological reorganization changes the underlying neurological functionality that contributes to these issues. It gets to the root of the issue, rather than acting as a band-aid to attempt to mitigate the behaviors.”

So if you have a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, or any child who simply did not get his or her needs met in those precious early months, neural reorganization may be for you. For all the facts and details, you can read Emily’s whole article here, and you can also come see her present at the 2013 Parenting in SPACE conference!

Any type of attachment disorder, such as reactive attachment disorder or anxious attachment, interferes with an individual’s ability to form appropriate relationships and feel safe, secure, and worthy to be in the world. While this can be devastating, neurological reorganization can address and resolve the underlying neurological conditions contributing to these diagnoses, so that the behaviors associated with RAD can decrease and the effected individual can gain the skills to form lasting and strong relationships, and feel safe, secure, and worthy to be in the world.

Attachment spectrum disorders primarily affect the part of the brain called the pons. The pons typically develops between one to five months of age and is responsible for all vital, life-preserving function, including respiration and heart rate. It identifies threats to our safety and regulates the response to those threats. Because the pons develops in very young infants, it is pre-verbal and pre-logical, so you cannot speak to it with language or logic. Typically developing infants complete a specific sequence of developmental tasks (called the developmental sequence) to establish healthy pons function. These include crawling on the tummy (similar to the combat crawl), sensory stimulation, vestibular experience, and specific, whole body reflexes. Completion of the developmental sequence allows the infant to gain an array of skills that have sweeping implications for her later emotional, behavioral, academic, and motor development. Visually, a pons-level infant loves to gaze at the outline of faces and into another human’s eyes. Gazing into another’s eyes, especially her biological mother’s, establishes a sense of safety and security. Indeed, babies’ initial vision extends from mother’s breast to mother’s eyes, because this function is so critical. Recent research has validated the importance of oxytocin, a hormone released in both mothers and babies, during this sustained eye contact. Pons-level infants develop horizontal eye tracking so that they track their caregivers coming and going in their environment. In terms of auditory and sensory perception, a pons-level infant identifies threats. Any loud or threatening sound, such as a dog barking, causes the baby to cry for help. Similarly, this baby feels extremes of heat, cold, hunger, and pain and, upon feeling any of those, cries for help. A pons-level infant perceives the world in terms of black and white: “I’m not with Mom, I’m going to die; I’m hungry, I’m going to die; I’m cold, I’m going to die,” and, upon experiencing these sensations, releases a vital cry that communicates, “Help me! Help me! I’m dying!” Crying is the way this baby exerts control over her environment and is assured by her primary caregiver that her needs will be met. This assurance that her needs will be met when she cries is also how she begins to feel safe, secure, and bonded. To insure healthy pons function, it is critical that an infant completes this entire developmental sequence. Any gap in the developmental sequence can result in impaired neurology and later behavioral, emotional, academic, or motor problems.

Pons-level dysfunction occurs when the infant’s needs are not adequately met and/or her ability to complete the developmental sequence is restricted. An infant’s inability to grow these connections and develop healthy pons function stems from a number of issues, most notably a separation from her biological mother, but can also include abuse, neglect, chronic stress, illness, and physical inability to complete the development sequence, such as excessive time spent in a crib. At this point of development, the infant believes that she and her biological mother are a single unit. Any prolonged separation triggers the fight or flight response in the infant, flooding her with high levels of neurochemicals, such as cortisol, adrenaline, and epinephrine. The infant’s neurology accommodates this toxic level of stress hormones; her brain literally behaves as if it is threatened at all times. Consequently, even when the individual’s needs are met at some point in the future, normal function may not occur, because the correct neural pathways to support healthy pons function are absent. No amount of nurturing will lead to normal neurological function due to this faulty wiring. The only way for healthy pons function to occur is to directly stimulate it through replication of the developmental sequence. This is why children who did not get their needs met adequately as infants can act as if they are in a life-threatening situation, even when they are in a nurturing, loving environment: their behavior is propelled by dysfunctional neurology, not their current circumstances. This ferocity of this disproportionate response to their current environment and circumstances is what characterizes the behaviors typical of RAD and other attachment disorders.

Neurological reorganization addresses the underlying structural dysfunction so that normal function can occur. Rather than teaching the child coping mechanisms or other cortical behavioral modification, neurological reorganization changes the underlying neurological functionality that contributes to these issues. It gets to the root of the issue, rather than acting as a band-aid to attempt to mitigate the behaviors. After assessing the neurological deficits using a functional neurological exam (which elicits reflexes from the foundational layers of the brain and, hence, is non-invasive and non-threatening for children), a neurological reorganization practitioner designs a program of neurodevelopmental activities that stimulate the damaged or absent neural pathways. Because of neuroplasticity, or the brain’s ability to change, this stimulation is effective at any age. These neurodevelopmental activities are a replication of the developmental sequence that should have put healthy functionality in place for the individual as an infant and include crawling on the tummy, creeping on hands and knees, sensory stimulation, vestibular stimulation, and specific, whole body reflexes. The gross motor component of the developmental sequence (creeping and crawling) should never be taught, because, if they are taught, we alter cortical function, rather than pons-level functionality. Just as an infant is not taught how to creep and crawl, if an individual is given the right input, the changes in her gross motor skills will develop all on their own. Other movement-based therapies (such as occupational therapy, HANDLE, RMT, and Brain Gym) include components of the developmental sequence, but neurological reorganization is the only therapy that replicates the entire developmental sequence. It is this replication of the whole developmental sequence that allows the new brain connections to form and, hence, all of the behaviors associated with dysfunctional neurology to subside.

Because a program of neurological reorganization involves replicating the developmental sequence, it is done primarily at home on a daily basis. This makes it accessible to many people, regardless of their proximity to a neurological reorganization practitioner. Evaluations every eight to twelve weeks are performed to re-assess the individual’s neurological function and to change the neurodevelopmental activities to meet the individual’s new needs.  Just as a two month old infant does different activities than a six month old infant, so, too, will the individual’s assigned neurodevelopmental activities change to address her emerging needs and abilities. The process of doing the activities at home on a daily basis and being evaluated every few months is repeated until the individual is no longer exhibiting the signs and symptoms of neurological dysfunction (the behaviors that contribute to her RAD diagnosis) and no evidence of dysfunction is found at the functional neurological exam.

Neurological reorganization is not a quick, easy fix. It requires commitment and dedication to complete the neurodevelopmental activities on a daily basis. Typically, it takes about eighteen months to two years of daily activities averaging an hour a day for a RAD child to fully resolve her neurological issues. However, changes are generally observed within the first two weeks of beginning the program, so, typically, one does not wait long to see new abilities emerge. While it requires commitment, neurological reorganization is a permanent solution as, once those new neural connections are in place, normal function can occur and the constellation of emotional and behavioral problems can subside. The individual gains the capacity to form appropriate bonds and relationships. She gains the tools to trust those around her. She identifies and respects her emotional and physical boundaries, which, in turn, allows her to respect others. Her behavior adjusts to become more appropriate to her current circumstances. Mental health counseling, which is strongly recommended in conjunction with neurological reorganization, becomes more effective in processing her early experiences and reinforcing appropriate behavior.

Attachment disorders can be debilitating to those who experience them and to those individuals’ loved ones. Due to the neurological basis of these disorders, traditional therapies can be short-term patches that address some, but not all, of the person’s issues. Stimulation of the impaired part of the brain and repetition of neurological development allows healthy function to emerge. While the individual must address her lingering emotions, she is now free to maximize her potential. As the mother of such a child remarked, “He still has much to learn about the emotions that were so long locked away from him, but now he has the ability to be a healthy and happy child.”

About the Author

Emily Beard is a neurological reorganization practitioner for Neurodevelopmental Healing. She holds two degrees, one in cognitive science and movement analysis and the second in early childhood education, and is trained as a doula and in infant Montessori. Emily has worked with hundreds of clients with attachment disorders, primarily RAD, and has also personally experienced neurological reorganization with several of her own family members for issues ranging from Asperger’s Syndrome to bipolar disorder. She can be reached at  emily@neuroreorg.com.

For a second…

The feeling is indescribable.

My heart is racing faster with each breath.

For a second…

I’ve never felt so alive.

I’ve never felt so vulnerable.

My face…

It smiles no matter how much I try to hold back. 

You’ve made my soul awaken with pure beauty.

For a second…

My knees are weak and I can’t stop the trembling.

For a second…

I feel like a house of cards in a hurricane.

For a second…

I wonder where you’ve been all my life. 

For a second…

I feel like there’s no one in the world but me and you.

And for a second… 

I can’t believe how lucky I am.

I think you’re the one…

I think…

But SUDDENLY.

My heart skips a beat.

I finally realize it now.

My body, it’s as numb as ice held in a hand for hours.

My face, it drops faster than a vase smashing the floor.

My eyes, they flow with tears that I just can’t let him see.

I can’t believe it. 

I just can’t believe it.

He looks into my eyes, so confused…

I look into his, trying to hide the pain.

I feel like a once beautiful building, crushed by a tornado to rubble.

Why, just why…

Is my soul suffering so?

Why is the fact pulsing through my veins and becoming more painful with every movement my body tries to make?

Why cannot I not bare it any longer?

Why…?

Because for a second…

I thought he said, 

I love you.

*Printed with permission from author

By: Candice Wu with Billy Kaplan

I’m sitting diagonally from an adolescent…and of course, she doesn’t want to talk to me.

I was ready with empathy and acceptance.

I reminded myself to be curious.

I had playfulness in my back pocket.

And… shrug, eye roll, shrug. Guarded glare. Shrug, shrug, shrug.

(Sigh.)

My attempts to build a connection—shut down.

I spiral into shame mode– I’m must be a horrible therapist! She won’t talk to me…What’s wrong with me?

I took in every shoulder movement, irritated stare, and eye aversion as a personal statement about me as a therapist.

How could a seventh grade client make me feel this way? More shame.

Musician and author David Byrnes reminds us that our neurons “mirror” the neurons of others. He describes a UCLA study that found that the neurons of people mimicked the neurons of people they observed who were experiencing specific emotions and performing particular actions.

Byrnes writes, “When we see someone frown or smile, the neurons associated with those facial muscles will fire. But – here’s the significant part – the emotional neurons associated with those feelings fire as well.”

…so the stuff I felt with that teen might not have been about me. The feelings I thought were mine, though inside of me, were really what my seventh grader was feeling inside of her… with no way to express herself except through piercing looks and shrugs.

When my kiddo was shooting me those stabbing glares, I easily took it personally. I could have remembered the power of my neurons’ ability to match hers and get curious about what she might be experiencing. I’m sure I would have felt more successful, and she would have felt more felt.

While it is helpful for those of us caring for children with poor attachment and trauma experiences to be aware of what encompasses our stuff (i.e. our own unresolved emotional wounds), our children need us to understand, or at least make every reasonable attempt to understand, that our emotions may be “mirroring” theirs – what we feel as our anger, our shame, or our hopelessness may actually be theirs.

To the best that we can, then, if we can be accepting that sometimes “our” emotions are “theirs”, and release ourselves from that pain, we may be able to help our kids process these overwhelming feelings and to gradually let our care fill the holes in their yearning hearts; just as we can feel their stuff, they can feel ours, too. We could see this awesome ability as a gift that provides us power to change our children’s sense of safety, trust, and connection with their world and with us.

Neurons, do your thing!

Read the full Byrnes article here.  For the juicy part describing neurons “mirroring” one another, scroll to the paragraph beginning with “In a UCLA study…”.

 Check out all the great things you will learn at the conference! 

It’s coming quickly….
Early Registration for Parenting in Space is still available until December 31st! 

Image Credits: Italian Science Fiction Pulp Art, Darkroastedblend.com

Wendy Kovacs, LMFT, House Calls Counseling Therapist

So today I was faced with a classic decision while with a client… to pick a battle or not.  A moment that therapeutic parents face at least a thousand times each day.

I weighed my options.  I thought about my energy level and her parent’s energy levels.  I wondered how much I cared about the shirt I was wearing and if I could take my earrings out inconspicuously.  I double-checked that the dogs were safe in another room.

And then I went for it… I wondered about the core of the difficulties in this home: “How does it work out for you when you say no to your parents?”  And so we danced.  She gave excuses, to which I wondered what was going on underneath.  She blamed her parents, to which I empathized.  She told me that she hated me, which I accepted openly.

But it all came down to my observation that she felt that she was better prepared to parent herself than her parents were.  This statement lingered in the air for a few moments before the real drama began.  Before our eyes we watched this intelligent and verbose nine-year-old girl disappear, to be replaced by a scared, angry, irrational yet demanding two-year-old in a nine-year-old body.  We wrapped her in our safe arms while she tried to push us away.  We rocked and hummed to her as she screamed out her feelings.  We quietly reminded her that she was safe, and would continue to be kept that way.

In the moment, I was reminded of the tantrum that my one-year-old daughter had thrown earlier that exact day.  My daughter, who does not yet have the words to express her frustration at not being allowed to do what she wants, screamed to try to get me to understand.  She does not yet have the conceptualization of parental control.  Though she relies on me for everything, she is not able to separate that from her innate desire to control her world.  But even as my daughter pushed away from me in order to try to convince me that she should get to do as she wanted, I continued to hold and soothe her.  I hummed and rocked her.  I reminded her that I would be there to keep her safe and help her learn about the world.  I knew that I was instilling a lifelong sense of the world and her valuable place in it by keeping her safe.

When I looked at my client today I saw the same need in her eyes as in the eyes of my daughter.  She wanted to see if her world was safe.  She needed to know that her parents would provide her with boundaries and structure.  She actually was a toddler in that moment acting on instinct, testing the safety of the world in which she found herself.  Finally, as she relaxed, she began to cry in genuine for “mommy” and “daddy” and we could see the nine-year-old girl returning.  She snuggled like a baby in her mom’s arms while holding her dad’s hand.  She drank from a bottle and visibly relaxed.  And she was able to talk to us again.

We reminded her that she was with her “safe and forever parents,” and that her need for them to protect her was natural and welcomed in their home.  We explained to her how her siblings all worked through a similar process.  And then she gave us the why behind the behaviors: she asked why her birth parents left her, and why God’s plan for her included being abandoned.

I wish I had the answers to those questions.  Unfortunately, I did not.  But I do know that her parent’s strength and compassion can help to give her a sense of internal safety that she has not yet known in her young life.  They can provide for her the nurturing, contained, developmentally-appropriate interactions that she did not receive before coming into their family.  And they can restore her faith in both herself and her world.

Details for the conference are here!

REGISTER for Parenting in SPACE.

Image Credits: Amazing Stories, 1947. www.darkroastedblend.com

A child goes through a series of important stages in their first years of life to develop movement, reflexes, sensory connections, balance, and coordination which create the foundation for a child’s neurological functioning. If there is an interruption or injury during this time, a child may have a deficit that can affect their abilities.

Rhythmic Movement Training is a practice to help children develop their primitive reflexes, posture, balance, and coordination, using a series of simple movements from key stages of typical motor skill development. Neurological Reorganization is a thorough and lengthier therapy that also can address the root cause of difficulties.

With this wholistic and developmental approach, children are able access areas of their brains that had not fully developed, providing them with hope, healing, and empowerment in their relationships and at school. Many people have found improvement in their struggles in attachment disorder, ADHD, learning disabilities, anxiety, dyslexia, or other academic and attachment difficulties.

READ HERE for the full article about neurological maturation and how it impacts school readiness.

Click HERE for more about Rhythmic Movement Training.

Want even more? Check out Neurological Reorganization.

A big thank you to Jan Mullens, LCSW, for the information about of Rhythmic Movement Therapy!