House of Dark Passion

update to the changes

2012-12-16T13:26:00.001-08:00

i will update very soon with new info and topics

House of Dark Passion Rules

2012-12-04T13:34:00.005-08:00

finding your 'pain level'?

2011-01-21T15:27:00.000-08:00

I wrote this Friday December 7, 2007
I found it and thought it would be good to post it here.please enjoy My essay !!
finding your 'pain level'?
Sadomasochism
Sadomasochism is often considered - in contrast to Dominance and Submission – the more physical side of BDSM. It refers to sexual gratification through the infliction of pain or suffering upon another person.The regions of the brain that manage sexual stimuli and pain overlap, resulting in some individuals associating pain with sexual pleasure as the neurological reactions are intertwined.
Sadomasochism is categorized a "Disorder of sexual preference" and described as follows: "A preference for sexual activity which involves the infliction of pain or humiliation, or bondage. If the subject prefers to be the recipient of such stimulation this is called masochism; if the provider, sadism. Often an individual obtains sexual excitement from both sadistic and masochistic activities.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM

My personnel thoughts about this:

sadist and masochist are perfect matches ....

but how is the match if a Dominant didn't tell a sub he wants to collar that he is a sadist....truth will come out after the collaring and in the first session ...

how about a sub who desires to feel pain but when the time comes she cant handle it?

How can a true Sadist meet his match?

any newbie submissive needs to learn about her/his own feelings and emotions before even thinking of a collar....
best is to explore with a munch group ..friends in the lifestyle the have her/his best interest in mind.

start of with a play session to find your 'painlevel'

let the Dominant use some spanking toys and after 1 hit ...try to express it in a level from 1-10
each spanking tool should be tried once in a beginner session
there should be a spanking session in 1 day ...and on another time {not the same day} maybe different session like sensation play.{wax play etc}
if the spanking tools session is repeated a few days later ..the pain level test should be repeated.
it will take some time and a few sessions till a submissive newbie will know her / his individual pain level.
the painlevel is different for each individual and each day.there are days a painlevel can be high and the next it may be low.Its a lot up to how the person feels.
there are a few submissive's ..there pain level will change in the level of submission and how much she /he desires to please her/his ONE !
I ,Mommah Jade would never try to match a newbie submissive with a Sadist Dominant.
I recommend that a submissive receive a training and some basic sessions before even be in a real time consideration.
basic training for BDSM can be fun ..but after everything is set for a consideration collar the submissive should be trained {personnel training} by there ONE to learn about there ONES likes and dislikes ..to please in a deeper level.
Mommah Jade Dec o7,2007 12.o7 am
Clover-style nipple clamps
The clover clamp, also referred to as a "butterfly clamp", is of Japanese design and has the ability to provide increasing tension if pulled on. The clamp itself is flat, but about 10 cm by 5 cm in size. Using spring tension, the clamp is applied to the nipple and the tension of its spring holds the clamp in place. This clamp usually provides a very high pain level, and is usually only used by more advanced users. To increase tension on the nipples, small weights such as fishing line sinkers can be attached to the ends of the clamp. As increased pulling tension is applied to the clamp, it will cause the jaws of the clamp to close tighter depending on the amount of pull pressure. Another method is to use the clamps to keep a person in one place. If cord is tied from the clamp to a fixed place, the wearer of the clamps cannot move away because the clamps will tighten as they try to move. Eventually the clamps would be pulled off the nipples, but not before considerable pain and discomfort is felt.
Friday December 7, 2007
~Mommah Jad

On DaddyDom's and babygirls

2011-01-05T16:05:00.000-08:00

On DaddyDom's and babygirls by Kendra

I could never find a good description but Kendra found the perfect words ....here is it ...

On DaddyDom's and babygirls by Kendra
I mentioned the term Daddy Dom in a chat room the other day and was greeted by a resounding Yuk! It got me thinking about the misconceptions surrounding this aspect of D/s.

I realize most think that it involves a father/daughter relationship. That isn't quite true,

Daddy/little girl is a much different level. I do not know if I can explain what I mean so I will simply talk about what a Daddy Dom is to me.First I should say that in my relationship my Dom is not my father, he is nothing like my father, and I have no need for him to replace my father. He is however my Daddy. We do not engage in age play specifically ( beyond the occasional school girl fantasy s) and our relationship is not based on any need to have sex with children. I am always all woman, and always a very independent woman. He does have the ability to make me feel like a little girl, however, a very cherished and sometimes needy little girl. It is a feeling that I revel in, it is the safest place I have ever been, and it allows me the freedom to be all that I am without fear of reprisals.

So..what makes a Daddy Dom?

First and foremost he loves his little girl. She is his prized possession. His eyes light up when she walks into the room and he takes great pride in her successes. After all, he helped to create her. She holds the most tender part of his heart and has the greatest power to hurt him.Seeing her hurt however is not something a Daddy Dom wants. He sees it as his job to protect her, both from the outside world and herself. He may love to cause her great pain in a scene, but he hates to be the one to hurt her emotionally. It hurts him to have to punish her , but he knows it is sometimes necessary.This takes great strength on his part. It takes strength to control her, and to shape her to his needs and desires. It takes strength to be her confidant, her shoulder, her anchor. It takes strength to let her out into the world when all he wants to do is hold her safe in his arms. And it takes strength to do what is necessary when she needs to be disciplined.A Daddy Dom knows the value of discipline, though at times his soft heart gets the best of him. He knows that in order for his little girl to be the best she can possibly be he must stand firm. He uses his experience in life and his knowledge of her to provide proper direction and punishment when the need arises. He knows this hurts her, and that tears at his heart, but he also knows it is for her own good.A Daddy Dom provides something else that is very important to his submissive..acceptance. She is safe in his arms because he knows her, everything about her, and he still loves her. When she goes to him she knows that this man knows all of her dirty little secrets and it doesn't matter. To him she is beautiful.Many of you may be asking what separates a Daddy Dom from any other Dom. In most cases very little. Hopefully they all provide love, strength, protection, discipline, and acceptance. I have heard Daddy Doms described as a kinder, gentler, Dom. I like that definition though I know it won't apply to all. I guess when it really comes down to it I can't explain it. There is something infinitely magical about a Daddy Dom. Perhaps it is something only a little girl can understand.

written by Kendra

BDSM For Those Who Are Disabled

2010-12-24T02:33:00.000-08:00

I wrote this about 2 years ago ..


    BDSM For Those Who Are Disabled

    Disabilities can affect everyone no matter the age, race, creed, sex, or religion. They vary from only a slight impact upon one's life, to a lifestyle altering state. There are many different kinds of disabilities, from dyslexia to paralyzing, to learning disabilities and each one affects a person and their relationships differently. For me, I have a physical disability with my left leg after 2 strokes is the past. I present the following information to show that even those with disabilities can enjoy the lifestyle with a little creativity, communication and some effort.

    My physical disability is rather complicated. because of My high blood pressure and My partly disabled leg playing in bdsm is difficult.

    These problems combined, create some rather difficult physical situations that must be dealt with carefully. My back can give me pain without warning, my legs can give out beneath me without warning, and some activities can not be done without some excess risk to my health.

    When this problem first started becoming a major factor in my life, I thought i would have to forgo my BDSM activities. This saddened me to no end because I enjoy BDSM and did not want to give up such a piece of myself. So I started thinking, looking at the things I enjoy doing, the ways I was taught to do them, and tried to find ways to improve these activities so they would be safer for me and I could still enjoy them.

    First, I am always allowed a safeword. With the nature of these conditions, I must be able to stop a scene (even a punishment) if needed. This requirement of course, means my partner must trust me that I will not abuse the safeword and I must not use the safeword when I do not need to. This presents a problem for many people, but with my physical health being what it is, this is an absolute necessity for me. In the case of a scene where I am gagged, an alternate safe action must be given to me if it has not already been negotiated.

    Problems with the lower back and the nerves there can radiate to the limbs. Numbness, tingling, shooting pains, muscle spasms and more can all affect the arms and legs of someone with nerve damage, depending on where the damage is. For me, this affects my lower limbs and back. Because of this so many activities are affected that I did consider leaving BDSM for a time. But I learned a few ways to overcome these obstacles. Below is a list of the activities and the changes made so that I may still enjoy them.

    Kneeling: Instead of kneeling up, I am allowed to rest my buttocks on my ankles or heels..or if necessary, sit on the floor rather than kneel. A pillow is allowed for me to kneel upon if it is to be for an extended period of time. In lieu of kneeling, in some situations, sitting Indian style is allowed.{due 2 My RA I can't kneel in any kind of form anymore}

    Bondage: any standing bondage must leave my feet flat on the floor, and not stretch my arms too far over my head. (this prevents muscle spasm from over stretching the muscles in my back) If more height for my body is required, then a small sturdy step stool is used for me to stand on.

    laying down: on my stomach..pillows must be placed beneath my hips and belly to keep my back straight.

    Positions: hands and knees, provided I keep my back from arching. Bent over positions can not be done very often, nor for long periods of time. Any position that bends me over something, must be done where I can bend from the hip/thigh joint and not the waist. This keeps the back straight and prevents nerve impingement.

    OTK spankings are done with me on a bed or couch, which provides support for my legs and upper body, preventing me from bending at the waist.

    Other items are used for pain play besides those which strike the body. As well, being more creative with where one hits can also provide the pain/pleasure mix without further injury to my back.

    I make it a point to always inform my partner before a session what condition my back is in. This goes a long way towards preventing accidental injury or real pain.

    As you can see, many things can be altered to allow one with disabilities to still enjoy most of the activities they did before they were disabled. Or even, to try out new ones they've always wanted to.

    Communication, imagination, creativity and effort will bring great results. Remember, play safe and have fun!

    this is partly from the 'web' but I re wrote it to fit My situation.

    Mommah Jade

The Dark House

2010-12-23T19:46:00.000-08:00

the Dark house

there is a solitary house

standing alone on a dark moor.

a single ever-burning candle glimmers in

the window.

in that window,

in that house,

my soul lives there with yours.

in the darkness,

under the lowering sky,

the thrashing wind,

the crashing thunder and lightning,

we live there together,

in peace.

it has been nearly 5 years since my Soul

joined yours here.

the light of my love for you burns through

the darkness of my life,

bringing a warmth that I had never felt

until now.

i make no excuse for my blind devotion

to you for this gift you have given me.

as I lie in my bed this night,

shivering with the emptiness of missing you,

somehow I know with all certainty,

that on that dark moor,

a small light figure is nestled deep in the arms

of a darker one,

a glow shimmering around us both.

the angel ghosts of you and I,

are warm and sleeping,

in that bed,

in that house,

sheltered from the wind and the rain.

and I know my soul is

always protected by yours

Note by HisLadyJade over 1 year ago

How to do the G-String Tie *by John Willie.

2010-11-25T17:07:00.000-08:00

How to do the G-String Tie

G-string tie

This method of bondage was popularized by John Willie. He regarded it as exceptionally difficult to escape from, claiming that even Harry Houdini did not like trying to escape from it.

The G-String Tie

The method of doing the tying is very simple but very hard to describe and it is the one which even Houdini did not like. You drape a long cord round the back of the neck with the two ends falling over the shoulders (see fig. I ) in front. It doesn't go round the throat but is just draped over the neck. Then you bring the ends back under the arm pits (2-F) -cross over in the middle of the back near the waist (2-B) - round in front again (2-F) & then back between the thighs (2-B) and up to the wrists (3). The only time the rope is crossed is in the middle of the back. You pull it as tight as you can & tie it to each wrist separately as they are held close together in back (3).

You then pull the ends around the thighs (4-B) thus pulling the wrists apart until each one is resting just back of the thighs & tie the cord in front (OF). The advantage of this "wrap around" tie is that no matter how the body twists or turns it does not get slack anywhere. As you no doubt know if used on a skimpy "bra" & G string costume the wearer can perform all sorts of contortions & her breasts will stay in & not fall out. If a clove hitch is tied around each wrist the more the captive struggles the tighter it will become that's all. In addition it is quite impossible to move the hands around one further back & the other further in front & that sort of thing. When this has been done you simply tie a cord as tightly round the waist & arms as you can & that is that 4-B & F).

To make this even tighter & more secure tie a cord to the one at the back of the neck (5) & then pass it around the one that goes around the waist & arms pulling tight so that the cord at the neck is dragged down a bit & the one round the arms up a bit. Then carry on down to the wrists. Now here you pass it round the cord to say the left wrist, between the wrist & where it disappears between the legs (5) and then under the other cord which goes to the right wrist. Then pull up to tie it at the cord around the elbows again (6). This should draw the cord at the elbows down a bit nearer to it's original position & pull the one at the back of the neck automatically down further it also draws the cords which come from between the legs to the wrists close together & the higher up they are drawn together the tighter they will be round the wrists & the tighter up between the legs.

If you want the wrists crossed & tied behind the back then just bring the cord from between the legs around them. This actually is more secure if pulled good & tight.

As you probably know it is far harder to get free from a cord tied over & over like this(7) than one tied around in the usually approved manner like this (8). To be candid any tie which uses the round the neck under the arms base is quite impossible to get out of & it is very useful if a spot of whipping is to be indulged in. Start as in fig (1 ) & then in (2-B) instead of just crossing the cords over tie them together as tightly as possible & then pass one end through the one at the back of the neck drawing both together like an X. This is then a good solid foundation to which the wrists can be tied crossed but up between the shoulder blades a woman can get her arms right up but a man can not - but in any case your friend's hands will be well out of the way of interfering (9) .

One of my favorite methods of tightening cords is what I call a twitch. Here is a section of cord around the ankles (10). Tie it as tightly as possible & then either with the long end or a separate piece of cord which you wrap around the cords in front & behind the ankles (passing it over & over between the ankles) you draw them together like this (11) thus considerable tightening the bondage (12).

This twitch can be used on numerous occasions for whenever two cords are apart they can be tightened by being pulled together.

If it is done at the knees you will find that you cannot push the cord between the legs below the bond i.e. nearer the knee, but you can up towards the thighs. You therefore tuck the cord under the bondage around the knees push it between the legs near the thighs & then tuck it under the bondage around the knees again from the inside & behind the legs (13). Then if you pull you'll find you have the cords like this (14) (where you could never have got it with your fingers by pushing unless you had tied the cord around the knees very loosely).

All you have to do now is push the top end back between the thighs & the bottom end up between the thighs pull them tight & there you are though I would recommend pushing it under & round once more just. You probably know all these things on the other hand you may not.

There is one hell of a tie which is very effective. The victim's hands are tied behind her back & then she sits cross legged, like Buddha & her ankles are tied in this position. Then her feet are tied to the calves of her legs squat down & you'll see what I mean. Then (rather a difficult operation) she is turned over on her face. Because her feet are tied to her calves she must keep her knees separated in fact her legs really form a triangle her two thighs being the sides & her bound feet, calves & ankles being the bottom.

Once on her face her wrists are tied back as tightly as possible to her ankles arching her back. Then she is turned over on her back again & all of those things of interest are beautifully displayed.

Another milder form of this can be done in a chair. Tie her wrists to each of the back legs just below the seat (use an ordinary straight backed chair) then pull her forward till her bottom rests right on the edge and use the wrap over tie which I have illustrated but instead of putting the cord over the back of the back of the neck put it under the chair back top & then over her shoulders, under her arms, cross over, back & then bring forward to go back between her thighs as before & then make the ends fast to her wrists where they're tied to the chair leg. To keep her knees separated don't just tie her ankles outside the chai leg but draw them together behind the front legs of the chair first & then tie each ankle to its respective leg. To tighten the bondage put a twitch round the cords from between her thighs to her wrists drawing them together under the chair seat (15 & 16). You will find that she cannot move at all & again everything will be displayed. If you want to keep the bottom further forward on the chair this is quite simple. Once in the desired position tie a cord to the top of one front leg pass it across the back of her loins to the other chair leg & tie it. This will obviously quickly slip under her bottom (if it hasn't done so already) so to prevent this use a twitch from one side of her thighs over them to the other (17), This stops her from sliding back on the chair seat. The one round her body & between her thighs stops her sliding forward so there she is. I ve just thought of a way of giving your March victim hell quite simple if you don't mind badly marking a door frame. You need two screw eyes strong ones and a small clothes line pulley also strong. Screw one eye into the door frame level with the shoulders & the other about twelve inches below it & to this you fasten your pulley. Tie "her" hands behind her back & draw them up as high as possible to be uncomfortable, & fasten them to the top ring. Then tie a cord tightly round one ankle¡ª making a turn around the instep as well to prevent it slipping up the leg (18) then pass the long end through the pulley and having raised the other foot 5 or 6 inches clear of the ground tie that in the same way, Then leave her alone when she gets tired of standing on one leg she'll have to give a little jump to change feet as both cannot be on the ground at the same time. The position of her hands makes it difficult for her to use them to regain her balance and imagine she'll have quite an uncomfortable time. Damn I wish I could be there I could offer all sorts of suggestions. I gather that your tastes are rather like mine. I don't like extreme cruelty, your real flagellant is a most vicious person. I simply apply as much as is needed to correct disobedience. Discomfort in the form of bondage used is something of the same nature but there it helps increase the realization of helplessness.

All right, so what is "BDSM"?

2010-11-23T09:26:00.000-08:00

All right, so what is "BDSM"?

"BDSM" is an acronym of "B&D" (Bondage & Discipline), "D&S" (Dominance & Submission), and "S&M" (sadomasochism). "BDSM" refers to any or all of these things, and a lot of stuff besides.
Tying up your lover is BDSM; so is flogging that person, or bossing that person around, or any of a thousand other things. BDSM is highly erotic, usually (though not always) involves sex or sexual tension; and is highly psychologically charged. One person (the "submissive") agrees to submit to another person (the "dominant"); or, alternately, one person agrees to receive some sort of sensation, such as spanking, from another.
Some people like to be submissive all the time, some people like to be dominant all the time; some people like to switch, being submissive one day and dominant the next.
Many people practice some element of BDSM in their sexual lives without even being aware of it. They may think of "S&M" as "That sick stuff that people do with whips and cattle prods and stuff," yet still blindfold one another from time to time, or tie one another down and break out the whipped cream...
All of these things are "BDSM." BDSM is not necessarily hardcore sadomasochism; it can be remarkably subtle and sensual and soft. Pinning your partner to the bed and running silk or ice cubes or rabbit fur over your lover's body qualifies as "BDSM" (specifically, of a variety called "sensation play").

BDSM doesn't have to involve all of these.

There are many people involved in BDSM who enjoy tying others up, or being tied up themselves, but who do not enjoy S&M--that is, they aren't interested in inflicting or receiving pain. Sometimes, one partner just ties up the other, as a form of foreplay. Similarly, there are many people who may like the psychological control they get from ordering their lovers to do things, but do not care for being physically restrained or tied, or for tying up their lovers.

BDSM is as varied as the people who do it.

I've met many people who engage in BDSM activities, such as bondage or spanking, but who insist they are "not into that BDSM stuff." Usually, it's because they have an idea in their heads about what BDSM is, like "BDSM means wearing a leather mask and being chaned to a wall and whipped, and I don't like that, so I'm not into BDSM." But BDSM desn't necessarily mean wearing a hood and being chaned to the wall. If you like being lightly spanked, or light bondage excites you, then you're into BDSM.
Some people, myself included, love the aesthetic of an elaborate rope harness, or an elaborate form of bondage; others simply aren't interested in the bondage elements at all. The key to all these different forms of BDSM, though, is the exchange of power or sensation. One person (the "bottom" or "submissive") is choosing to allow the other person (the "top" or "dominant") to have control over him or her in some way, or to inflict sensation in some way. Perhaps it means allowing the other person to tie him up, perhaps it means allowing the other person to spank her, whatever.

In particular, BDSM is NOT abuse!

People who are practicing BDSM in any of its trillions of forms are doing it voluntarily, for fun. It's a way to explore. Everything that happens in a BDSM relationship is consensual; and believe it or not, it's not just about the dominant getting what he or she wants--it's more about the submissive getting what he or she wants.
An abuser has no regard for the feelings, needs, or limits of the victim. A BDSM dominant is concerned above all else with the needs and desires of the submissive. Pretty straightforward, really.

BDSM isn't what you see in porn flicks.

The image of BDSM that is portrayed in many materials of this sort has about as much to do with BDSM as the child's tale "Jack and the Magic Beanstalk" has to do with agriculture. These materials show little more than women being used in various unoriginal ways for men's enjoyment, often by force. The reality is that there are at least as many, and perhaps more, male submissives than female submissives; and that BDSM is a mutual activity that is driven as much by the needs of the submissive than by the needs of the dominant.

Uh-huh. Sure. The needs of the submissive. Right. The dominant is the one bossing the other person around; you'd have to be some kind of jerk to want to do that.

While that may seem like it makes sense on the surface, the truth is just the opposite. People who are good at dominating or inflicting pain are, in general, LESS likely than many other people to be jerks or assholes.
Why? Because in order to be good at doing it, you need to be highly in-tune with your submissive. People who are self-centered generally make poor dominants, because they lack the empathy required to be able to read and judge their partner's reactions, and bring their partner where that person wants to go. Assholes quickly find that nobody wants to play with them; and people who are empathic tend not to be assholes. All of the real top-notch dominants I've ever met, without exception, are incredibly cool people.

In tune with your submissive? The dominant is the one calling the shots. What does the dominant care about the submissive?

Believe it or not, the dynamics of a BDSM relationship are often driven by the submissive, not by the dominant. The submissive sets the limits; the submissive decides what places can and can not be explored; the submissive has the ability to call a halt to the scene. The dominant, in many ways, is simply a facilitator. It's the dominant's job to create a setting where the people involved can explore the submissive's fantasies.
(As an aside, it's important to note that these limits can change over time. It may be that something that used to sound like it wouldn't be fun or interesting might in the future tickle your fancy; and that things you enjoy now, you may not necessarily enjoy in the future. People change over time. It's important, when you explore BDSM, to remember that, and to make a habit of talking to your partner about things you like and don't like as those things change.)
Dominating your partners does not mean that you don't want to please them. It is not always, or even usually, true that a dominant is interested in his own gratification rather than his submissive's. In fact, many dominants are driven as much by their desire to please their partner as by anything else; the psychology of a healthy BDSM relationship is driven by the submissive as well as by the dominant, and a dominant can take pleasure from gratifying the needs of the submissive just as easily as the submissive can take pleasure from gratifying the needs of the dominant. This kind of thing is not one-directional.

It's all for the submissive's benefit? Yeah, right. The submissive is the one being bossed around or spanked or whatever. How can you say that isn't abuse?

Simple. Two reasons:
1. In a BDSM relationship, the submissive sets the limits. A victim of abuse doesn't get a vote; the victim can't tell the abuser what to do, or how much to do it. A submissive sets all the limits--what kinds of things can be (and can't be!) done, how much, and for how long.
And while we're on the subject of limits, there is more than one kind of limit in a BDSM relationship. Everybody has "hard" limits--things that they absolutely will not do, and will not even consider. Some people, for example, like to be tied up but don't like the idea of being whipped; if they won't allow themselves to be whipped, ever, that's a hard limit.
There are also "soft" limits--things that someone won't do under ordinary circumstances, but will allow to be "forced" on him or her in the context of a particular scenario that's being acted out. Between soft limits and hard limits lies an interesting psychological territory to explore.
2. A submissive gets a way to opt out. This may be a code word, or a sign of some sort; if the submissive uses it, he or she has had enough and the scene is over. An abuse victim doesn't tell the abuser when to stop.

So don't you have to be kind of sick or messed up to do that stuff?

No.

C'mon, really. I mean, tying people up...whipping them. Isn't that demented?

No.

For the most part, people who are into this kind of thing are remarkably well-adjusted. People involved in BDSM generally are neither abusive nor come from backgrounds where they were abused, because people with that kind of backgrounds aren't likely to be sexually turned on by giving someone else power over them. That doesn't mean that no BDSM relationship is abusive--since people are what they are, no form of human interaction is immune to abuse. But it does mean that the people you'll find in the BDSM community are, for the most part, very stable. (In fact, if you're going to get involved in this kind of stuff, it helps to have a cast-iron ego and a strong sense of self, particularly if you're a submissive.)
Some people think anyone interested in BDSM is suffering from some kind of past abuse. I think that the "BDSM interest=past abuse" assertion is most frequently made by people who don't understand what BDSM is. They see someone being flogged, they say "Oh! People in a BDSM relationship get hit; people in an abusive relationship get hit; ergo, BDSM is like an abusive relationship. QED."
But the fact is, the psychology of a BDSM power exchange is vastly different from the psychology of abuse; and in a BDSM relationship, the psychology is frequently driven by the limitations of the submissive, not the dominant. Typically, it is the submissive who says "This far and no farther"--which is entirely contradictory to the psychology of abuse.
Now I'm not saying that people into BDSM are never victims of abuse, of course. If you survey any arbitrary group of people--all lawyers, all redheads, all Toyota Camry owners, all BDSM participants--you'll find that some people in that group are abuse survivors. But that doesn't imply a direct connection between abuse and the practice of law, or hair color, or choice of transportation...or BDSM.
The psychiatric profession agrees, In fact, according to the DSM-IV, the standard diagnostic reference text "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders" published by the American Psychiatric Association, The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors must cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning in order for sexual sadism or masochism to be considered a disorder.
BDSM is not what it looks like from the outside. It's not just tying people up and having sex, and it's not just arbitrarily whipping people. That's very crude, and kind of boring. What it is is a sort of role-playing, where the people involved are acting out a fantasy that involves taking or giving up power. Sex is often involved, but not always.

Role-playing? Fantasy? You make it sound like it's all some kind of game.

It is. You're exercising your imagination, and you're playing a game with the other person. You get to be the dominant; your partner is the submissive; you're playing the role of the mad scientist who's just kidnapped someone and is going to use this poor innocent person for evil experiments. Or whatever. (There are people who do this all the time--one always the dominant, one always the submissive--who will tell you it isn't a game, but that's part of the game.)
At the same time, however, it is very serious. You're creating a framework that allows you to have fun and explore some very powerfully charged areas of human psychology, and push your boundaries at the same time. In this way, BDSM can be a powerful tool for self-discovery and exploration.
You can also explore fantasies by roleplaying scenarios that are highly charged psychologically. One such type of exploration is a form of BDSM called "resistance play," in which one person (the dominant) takes another person (the submissive) by force, and the submissive is expected and encouraged to resist by force. This kind of play is not everyone's cup of tea, of course, but it can be a safe and fun way to explore some of the darker fantasies that are very common in a surprising number of people.
This also can lead you into some highly volatile psychological territory. Even if it seems like something you really want to experiment with, it's possible that it can hit some psychological triggers that produce a reaction you didn't expect. So it pays to go carefully.
Many of the standard rules of BDSM apply doubly or triply to this kind of scenario. For example, using a "safeword"--a code word that means "Stop!"--is absolutely vital when you're experimenting with resistance play; one of the tenants of resistance play is that "no" does not mean "no," so you need a word that does
It also pays to negotiate the basic parameters in which you'll operate beforehand. Different people have different idea of what constitutes "force" or how rough "rough" is. If everyone involved isn't on the same page, someone may get hurt in a way that isn't so fun.

Whoa, wait a minute. Force? Whipping? That's supposed to be FUN??

It is fun, if that's your sort of thing. The experience of being flogged is nothing like what you imagine it would be like. For the most part, it's more stimulating than painful. Ditto for the experience of acting out, say, a resistance-play fantasy.
Quite honestly, there was a time when I drew the line at the whipping thing. I was absolutely certain I'd never, ever, under any circumstances, allow someone to flog me. Not me, no sir.
But then I tried it (long story), and it was absolutely nothing like what I though it'd be like.
Ever have a really deep massage? The kind that hurts, but still feels good? Same thing, only more so.
Besides, when you're sexually aroused, all kind of stimulation can be fun. Ever had a lover who left gouges in your back during sex? Or one who bites? It's very passionate and intense. If you're in the right frame of mind, even a flogging that leaves welts isn't really painful, precisely--not like stubbing your toe, or running into the edge of the bathroom wall at two o'clock in the morning because you didn't turn the light on. It's more like the lover who claws your back when she gets off thing. But hey, if it's not for you, don't do it.

Damn straight! I would never do that; I respect my lover too much.

Experimenting with intense things like resistance play and pain play do not mean you do not respect your lover. Quite the contrary; respect for your lover is absolutely paramount if you wish to do these things safely.
Respect for your lover is not just in behaving according to some ideal about the way "men are supposed to treat women" or whatever. Respect for your lover lies in exploring with your lover, creating with your lover, doing with your lover those things that you and your lover wish to do, sharing yourself on a very deep level with your lover... It's reflected in everything you say, do, express, feel, and think with your lover.
Different people want, need, and value different things. Respect recognizes those differences. And above all else, respect is an integral part of the mutual process of self-exploration and self discovery.

Now hold on a minute, kink-boy. We're talking about kinky S&M here, not Buddhism. What do you mean, "self exploration?"

Just that.
BDSM is a very broad term that encompasses many wildly different practices, and many wildly different beliefs. But central to all these things is the idea of challenging boundaries and testing limits--and that's precisely what self-exploration is all about.
You cannot know your limits if you never test them and never explore them. You may know some general things, but you can't truly know yourself if you have never explored and never experimented. As Francis Bacon wrote, Your true self can be known only by systematic experimentation, and controlled only by being known.
BDSM provides a context and a set of tools for exploring your own personal boundaries in a safe, fun, enjoyable, and mutually reciprocal way. It provides a vehicle by which you can get to know yourself and your lover much more deeply and intimately than you might have thought possible. And hey, you often find along the way that you can be surprised! You probably have turn-ons that you don't even know you have, and you will never discover without exploration.
And that, my friend, can truly enrich your life and the life of your lover.
When it comes right down to it, if your goal is self-knowledge and personal enlightenment, I put six months in a BDSM relationship up there with three years in a Tibetan monastery any day.

But where do you draw the line? How much is too much?

You draw the line wherever you want to. There isn't one way to "do" BDSM, and not everybody is in to the same things. If you like being tied up, but you don't want to be whipped, then don't be whipped! Every person is unique; not everybody has the same turn-ons; if you don't like something, don't do it.
Most people who practice BDSM believe in "safe, sane, and consensual."
That means: Don't do anything blatantly unsafe; don't try anything that's likely to get you killed or injured if you screw up, and don't do something if you aren't sure how. Be reasonable and rational. Know the difference between fantasy and reality. Make sure you're both into it before you do it. Do that, and you'll probably be okay. It's like anything else; exploring an interest in fine cuisine doesn't mean you have to like fish eggs! If it isn't for you, then that's where you draw the line.

Once you get involved in this sort of thing, don't you keep going further and further? Can you ever stop?

Some people are afraid to start exploring new things in bed because they are worried that if they start doing "kinky stuff," they won't ever be able to go back to "normal" sex, and ordinary non-kinky sex won't be fun any more.
That's absolutely not the case at all. Eating pie doesn't mean you don't like cake any more; having one kind of sex doesn't mean you don't like any other kind of sex any more.
And you might find all kinds of new things that are fun!
People are very, very complex creatures, and it's unrealistic to think that you know the whole truth about every aspect of yourself without ever having experimented with the things that turn you on. There are many things that I thought would never appeal to me that experimentation has proven are huge turn-ons for me, and I suspect the same is true of most people.
Not even "most people who are into BDSM"--most people. Nobody is completely static, and nobody can be expected to know absolutely everything about himself or herself from the get-go.
So when you start experimenting, you may find that there are things that turn you on that you never thought would turn you on. But then again, unless you are hopelessly shallow, as you go through life you'll probably discover new things that turn you on even if you don't get involved with BDSM!
And of course you can stop. Just because you learn something new about yourself, that doesn't mean you're changing into some kind of raving, uncontrolled lunatic! It just means you've discovered something new, that's all.

But how do I know if it is for me? How do I know if I'm a dominant or a submissive? How do I know if I like any of this stuff?

That depends on you. It's not like there's only one kind of person who's into BDSM; and it's not like only men are dominant or only women are submissive. (In fact, the deck seems to be tilted in favor of men who are submissives.)
And you don't necessarily even have to be dominant or submissive! Maybe you like experimenting with being tied up, or tying up your lover, but all that bossing-about stuff does nothing for you. So, the terms "dominant" or "submissive" may not apply to you, even though you do want to experiment with some aspects of BDSM. Don't get hung up on the terminology. It's really not that important.
Are you into any of this at all? Well, that depends. Have you ever had fantasies about being tied up and helpless while unspeakable things are done to your body? Have you ever wanted to be able to tell your lover exactly what to do ("Get on your knees and bark like a dog!")? You might enjoy experimenting with this sort of thing. Hey, there are worse things in the world than having an interesting and varied sex life--and if you experiment and decide it isn't for you, so be it!

So...why? What's the point of tying people up? Why would someone agree to any of this?

That's a complicated question.

The short answer is: Because it's fun, it's highly arousing, and it's tremendously powerful. It's a great vehicle for exploring a number of different kinds of fantasies in a way that's exhilarating.
People are dominant or submissive for different reasons. Being submissive in a BDSM scene can be tremendously liberating, particularly for people who aren't comfortable exploring their sexuality or their personal boundaries. When you agree to act as a submissive, you give up responsibility for what's going on; you sit back and let things happen. Provided you trust the person who's being the dominant, you can mentally relax and concentrate on the role that's being created for you.
As a dominant, the pleasure comes from constructing a scenario and acting it out. You can, at least within reason, determine the submissive's fate; you're the scriptwriter, director, and producer of the entire show; you construct the fantasy world and make it real. Being a good dominant is a lot of work. You have to be creative; you must be able to improvise; and you have to pay attention to your submissive, to maintain the illusion you're creating and make sure your submissive is getting what he or she wants from the scenario. In many ways, the dominant person is a facilitator; the dominant's job is to make a fantasy that takes the submissive wherever he or she wants to go, and bring that fantasy to life.
For many people, BDSM is an intensely personal and meaningful experience, from either side. I am both dominant and submissive--a switch. I am into BDSM because I want more. I want more experience, I want more intensity; I want to feel more, think more, experience more, be more. I want to live life in immoderation, not moderation; I want to experience intensity because I want to live intensely.
I surrender to another because I want to be taken to that place where reason and thought disappears, where the world folds up flat and spins away into its own corner and there's nothing left but what I'm feeling.
I take control of another because I want to take them to that place--because when I become the orchestrator and the director of their world, when I can set the stage and write the script and make them, for a little while, become someone else, somewhere else, then I can feel what it is to wake the sleeping lion--and that is heady stuff indeed.

On top of that, it's very romantic.

What? Romantic? You've got to be joking.
Nope. See, that's one of the things about BDSM that isn't obvious to someone on the outside. When a dominant is creating a BDSM scenario, the dominant needs to focus his or her attention entirely on the submissive. A good dominant pays very close attention to the submissive--how the submissive is reacting, what's going on around the submissive, what the submissive is feeling--everything. Having somebody pay that close attention to you doesn't suck. It's very romantic.

So you've got someone tied to the bed. So what?

It's more than just tying someone to the bed. The good stuff isn't in tying the knots; it's in what you are while you're tying the knots. Think of it as a game that's two parts acting, two parts roleplaying, three parts sex, and two parts psychology.
Or, if you want, think of this: There she (or he, depending on who you are) is, lying helpless beneath you, restrained hand and foot, blindfolded, and you have a feather in your hand...and she's very ticklish...and she doesn't...know...when...you're...going...to...

Uh...wait. Blindfolded?

Yeah! That way, the submissive (a) can't tell what's about to happen (anticipation can be half the fun) and (b) is made to focus more closely on what she's (or he's) feeling.
So, anyway, there she is, restrained hand and foot, and you get out the clothespins, and...

Clothespins?

Yes. You use them to...well, maybe we'll get into that in the "How" section.
The point is: Just tying somebody up is boring. The fun is in the stuff that goes with it. When you're restrained, you have this delicious feeling of helplessness, your lover free to do anything to your vulnerable body...it's fun!
(Incidentally, there's more than one way to tie somebody up. When most people think about bondage, they think of tying someone spreadeagle to the bed. That's a simple form of "restraint bondage"--tying somebody to keep that person from moving.
Another form of bondage is "stimulation bondage"--tying somebody up, not to keep that person from moving, but in a way that stimulates that person sexually. For example, there is a form of rope harness called a "karada" which is typically tied around a woman in such a way that the ropes pass across her breasts, around her back, and up between her legs. This form of bondage does not restrict motion at all--in fact, you can wear it to work under your clothes!--but every time she moves, the ropes shift across her breasts and between her legs, constantly stimulating her and reminding her that they are there.)
The same kind of fun can be had in bossing your lover around. The fun part isn't that you can give orders; anybody can be pushy. The fun part is in the fact that your lover is compelled, within the limits of the game, to obey. She must submit as you tell her to slowly--no, more slowly--peel off her clothes, and caress her own body as she tells you, Maestro, that she'll do anything to make you happy; then, as you direct, pick up the vibrator and...
You get the idea. These are some very tame scenarios, but they illustrate that there's more going on than just tying somebody to your bed or bossing somebody around. There's an entire interaction here that's highly sensual and very intense

Okay, okay, so, what do you actually DO, anyway?
Ah, now that's the fun part. That bit has been moved to its own page.

http://xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html

The Development of Sadomasochism as a Cultural Style in the Twentieth-Century United States

2010-11-23T08:56:00.000-08:00

The starting point for my research on the history of SM and fetish was my dissertation in the Department of Sociology at Indiana University, Bloomington. This work began with my first, exploratory, visit to the Kinsey Institute archives in 1992, and formally concluded in February 1998 when I defended the dissertation and earned my PhD. The abstract in English and German is provided below.

Abstract

Today, distinctively stylized representations of fetishistic and sadomasochistic sexuality are commonplace in popular culture and fashion. This dissertation analyzes the historical development of modern fetishistic sadomasochism (SM) as a cultural style, and examines how this style was introduced into popular culture.

Drawing from a rich array of archival and primary source material, this analysis locates the origin of modern SM and fetishistic styles in early twentieth-century practitioner networks in Europe, Australia, and the United States. Modern SM styles are distinguished from their nineteenth-century antecedents, and three distinct, modern SM styles are specified: European Fetish (c. 1928), American Fetish (c. 1934), and Gay Leather (c. 1950). These styles originated in distinct social groups and exhibit differences in aesthetics and composition. Together, these three early-modern styles established a body of stylistic precedents from which subsequent SM and fetish styles evolved, both in sexual subcultures and in late twentieth-century popular culture. The focus of the dissertation is on the development of the American Fetish and Gay Leather styles in the United States from 1933-1971.

The general explanatory approach used in the dissertation is the production-of-culture framework in the sociology of culture. This approach has previously been used in historical explanations of the development of styles in art. It is used here to explain the development of style associated with a category of sexuality. Variations in the aesthetics and conventions of SM styles are explained in terms of processes such as the historical development of practitioner networks and social circles, the economics of the production and distribution of SM and fetishistic erotica, and the political, legal, technological, and institutional contexts in which fetishistic materials have been produced, consumed, and constrained by agencies of social control.

Auzug

Heutzutage sind ausgeprägte Darstellungen der fetischistischen und sadomasoschistischen Sexualität alltäglich im allgemeinen Kultur-und Modeverständnis. Diese Dissertation analysiert die historische Entwicklung des modernen fetischistischen Sadomasochismus (SM) zu einem kulturellen Lebensstil und untersucht, wie dieser Lebensstil in das Kulturleben eingeführt wurde.

Diese Analyse stützt sich auf eine große Menge an Archiv- und Erstquellenmaterial und ermittelt den Beginn des modernen SM und der fetischistischen Lebensstile in verschiedenen netzwerkartigen Gruppen, die diesen Lebensstil in Europa, Australien und den Vereinigten Staaten Anfang der zwanziger Jahre praktizieren. Die modernen SM Stile werden von deren Vorgängern im 19. Jahrhundert unterschieden, so daß sich drei ausgeprägte, moderne SM Stile herauskristallisieren: Europäischer Fetisch (c. 1928), Amerikanischer Fetisch (c. 1934), und Gay Leather (c. 1950). Diese Lebensstile hatten ihre Anfänge in bestimmten sozialen Gruppen und zeigen Unterschiede in Ästhetik und Zusammensetzung. Zusammen wurden diese drei frühen, modernen Stile zu einem stylistischen Vorreiter, aus dem sich die nachfolgenden SM und Fetischstile entwickelten, beide in sexuellen Subkulturen und im allgemeine Kulturleben des späten zwanzigsten Jahrhunderts. Der Fokus dieser Dissertation liegt auf der Entwicklung des Amerikanischen Fetisch und Gay Leather in den Vereinigten Staaten von Amerika von 1933-1971.

Die allgemeine, erläuternde Behandlung dieses Themas in dieser Dissertation ist der Rahmen für die Produktion-von-Kultur in der Soziologie der Kultur und wurde bereits in historischen Erklärungen über die Entwicklung der verschiedenen Kunststile angewendet. Hier wird die Entwicklung von Stilen, die mit einer bestimmten Kategorie der Sexualität verbunden sind, behandelt. Variationen in Ästhetik und Konventionen der SM Stile werden mit verschiedenen Vorgängen erklärt, wie z. B. der historischen Entwicklung der netzwerkartigen Gruppen von Praktizierenden und sozialen Kreisen, die wirtschaftliche Seite der Produktion und des Vertriebs von SM und fetischistischen Erotika sowie die politischen, gesetzlichen, technologischen, und institutionellen Zusammenhänge, in denen fetischistische Materialien produziert, konsumiert und von sozialen Kontrollmechanismen eingeschränkt wurden.

The Christian FemDomme ???

2010-06-29T10:47:00.000-07:00

The Christian FemDomme

Are you female and believe you are dominant? Then you've found the right place. Do you want to know how this meshes with the Christian faith? Please continue reading. First though, I need to ask what brings you to the idea that you might be dominant. I have to ask this because I've found that in the BDSM community there are people who are dominant for many reasons and not all of them are good.

Do you feel that to be safe with a man you must be in control of the situation at all times?
Do you feel angry with men, perhaps due to a man who didn't treat you right? Are you someone who is self-assured, loves yourself, doesn't feel anger or discomfort with men, and does like men?

The first two are examples of reasons that being dominant may be a safety net for you rather then a predisposition. Unfortunately, when people come to BDSM with such issues, people can get hurt or taken advantage of in a bad way. Its not saying you aren't dominant… it is saying that to be a safe and sane dominant you need to work through those issues so that when your husband submits to you, you will be able to be a loving dominant and not a dominant who is out to get revenge for something someone else has done. Please know yourself and work through issues you may have so that you and your husband can thoroughly enjoy this in a safe, sane, consensual, and loving way.

Ok, so you've looked into yourself to make sure that you are coming at this from the right angle. Now you want to know how on earth can you fit being a female dominant with being a Christian. First off, be thankful for the way God made you. Don't allow people who may be very traditional make you feel bad because you aren't a meek mild submissive. Accept that its ok if they don't understand. Many won't understand how you can reconcile being a FemDomme with being a Christian. As long as you are right with God and not disobeying Him, you are ok.

The beauty of the relationship between a husband and wife, who are following the Biblical model, is that it glorifies God. Its not just because they are obeying His word (though they certainly are) but because the watching world will see in them a picture of God’s love for us - all of us, and the extravagant beauty of his love for His Church. This is a beauty that is uniquely expressed between the two of them, much as the beauty that can be seen watching a couple dance together. When such a marriage is working in harmony, it will be an evangelistic message with an irresistible pull to the watching world.

Look at Ephesians 5:21. It states, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Submission in this passage is not the same as submission in Ephesians 5:22 which sets up a spiritual headship. Verse 22 states, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” If you will look at the two verses very carefully, you will see a distinctly different way in which it is worded. Verse 21 states “out of reverence for Christ.” Verse 22 states “as to the Lord.” In verse 21, we are called to submit to our brothers and sisters out of our love for Christ, raising them above ourselves and seeking to serve them and meet their needs. Whereas, verse 22 calls the wife to submit to her husband as a spiritual head, acknowledging and respecting his authority. It is the couple’s submission to one another, as in verse 21, that makes the marriage so beautiful. As they each seek to out-serve one another and meet their mate’s needs, we see Christ’s sacrificial love at work. We see God’s plan beautifully in action. It becomes a living testament to who God is.

However, this in NO WAY seems to say that a husband should never submit to his wife. The husband is not exempt from the submission to one another in Ephesians 5:21. This is a spiritual headship. Although we in the BDSM community may take many of our relationships more to a master/slave level, God is not speaking about BDSM here. He’s not saying you can't do that, but he’s not saying it must be that either. He’s giving spiritual authority to the husband. When God gives authority to an individual, He always gives it so that a person or group of people can be better served.

Ok… so having said all of this, I do believe that you can be Christian and be a female and be dominant. One reason is because you are not taking the spiritual headship away from your spouse. You aren't going to say Honey, we will no longer go to XYZ church but instead we are going to worship pansies in the cellar by the pale moonlight. You aren't going to take over the family devotions. You aren't going to blab about the fight you had last night with your beloved to your neighbors or people at church. You aren't going to berate him in front of others. You aren't going to undermine his authority with the children. You wouldn't do this because you know you should show your husband love, respect, and reverence as the Bible says. You know you should submit to his spiritual headship. But if in other ways you are in control-ways that you both enjoy-there is nothing wrong with this. His body is for your enjoyment. Your body is for his enjoyment. There is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying each other and you being the one in control. You’re going to treat him with love and respect. This in no way conflicts with him being that spiritual leader he is called to be.

The last thing I want to address is the issue of saying your husband or potential husband MUST be into BDSM and MUST be submissive or he can't possibly be God’s will for you. BDSM is a perk. It isn't a requirement. It also may be something he doesn't understand yet but may come to enjoy later. A requirement is that he be Christian. It’s also a good requirement that he be at about the same level of spiritual maturity… so that you are equally yoked. But… don't reject a wonderful gift God may be giving to you because at this point in time he has no interest in BDSM. Perhaps before you can both enjoy it, God needs to do other work first on one or both of you. You don't know. You will need to pray and seek God’s direction about this man.

by Lady Hellion
http://www.christiansandbdsm.com/femdomme.html
(Note from Sir Gardener: While I realize the issue of female dominant/male submissive relationships is a hotly debated one in the Christian BDSM community, I feel that Lady Hellion has given a well thought out and Biblically based approach to this type of relationship.)

Millie Jackson - It Hurts So Good {Lyrics}

2010-06-29T09:12:00.000-07:00

Precious, take my heart in the palm of your hands and you squeeze it tight
Then you take my mind and play with it all night

You take my pride and you throw it up against the wall
You take me in your arms, baby, and bounce me like a rubber ball

I'm not complaining what you're doing, you see
'Cause this hurting feeling is, ooh, so good to me

Don't you know that it
(Hurts so good)

Hurts so good

Don't you know that it
(Hurts so good)

Hurts so good

You take my name, scandalize it in the streets
Anything you wanna do or say, is alright with me

Turn right around and make sweet love to me
Ooo wee, baby, you're sure 'nuff good to me

'Cause, baby (baby), these things you're doing to me
It hurts so bad, but it's worth all the misery

Cause it (lord have mercy...hurts so good) hurts so good
Don't you know that it (hurts so good) hurts so good
Oohooooo, baby, ooohoohooohoooo ooh baby,ooh oh ooh baby

Ooh, boy, please don't ever take the hurt off me
'Cause it would hurt even worse if you would ever, ever leave
(Oh, yes, it would)

Even though sometimes it's hard for me to bear (This heart is killing me)
I make myself hold out. 'Cause if it kills me, I don't care

'Cause, baby (baby), I don't want you to ever quit
It ain't no good 'till it hurts a little bit

Cause it (lord have mercy, hurts so good) hurts so good
Don't you know that (it hurts so good) hurts so good
Oh, baby (lord have mercy)

It hurts so good
Don't you ever,(lord have mercy), don't you ever stop now, baby ( hurts so good)
Don't stop, baby
(Lord, have mercy)

It hurts so good
Don't you know that It (lord have mercy, hurts so good)
So good to me, good for me baby yeah, yeah

Hurts so good
Ooh, baby

Millie Jackson - It Hurts So Good

2010-06-29T09:11:00.000-07:00

1950s Household or How to be a good Wife

2010-06-27T14:04:00.000-07:00

HOW to be a Good Wife

Wifetheory, this is from a Home Economics High School Text Book, 1954. It's also often posted as being from 1955 Housekeeping Monthly, which is definitely not true. It's still amusing though.

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little uplifting /fun and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.
Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad he is home.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom.
Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.
Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

Some Don't's :

Don't greet him with problems or complaints.
Don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Elements of a 1950_'s Household

In a 1950s household, social roles are strictly divided along traditional lines. The man of the house earns the income for the family. The woman of the house is responsible for the running of the household, however she is subservient to her husband and cares for his needs, as well as those of any children. For a number of couples, this context is carried over to a BDSM lifestyle. In addition to the basic roles, the sub/Domme elements are reinforced.

"The 1950s household is a social and sexual dynamic that attempts to recreate the stereotypical male-dominated marital relationship of the 50s. In truth, this activity is more social and relational than sexual, although sex can play a part. In a 1950s household, traditional gender roles are maintained. This is a type of power exchange based completely on gender roles. The man probably works at something "manly" like business, skilled labor, or management. He takes pride in his career and providing for the family.

The woman in this situation probably stays at home as a wife or mother. If she does leave the home, it is probably for her college studies or for pre-baby work in fields such as teaching, nursing, or other "feminine" jobs. Her main responsibility, of course, is her home and her family. This woman takes pride in cooking, cleaning, ironing, and raising her children. She may do outside activities such as volunteer work or being active in a church society.
http://www.milovana.com/urge/1950s-household

Why I preach about Safety !!

2010-03-22T17:24:00.000-07:00

personal /Why I preach about Safety !!

....a few years ago when I was back in Germany I met a Dom on a munch with our munch group.I met many Dominants and people in Our Lifestyle.But he thought he could tell Me what to do and give orders.As I naturally refuse {being a Dominant Myself}and that was it .that time....well I thought.!!Some time later,about 3 month ,things in the house was different When I returned home.I changed the lock and got new keys.But no changes.2 month later there was another group meeting where I ended up by My self cause everyone had left early.Since I do not drive I accepted {foolish Me} his offer to drive Me home.Huge Mistake !!

We didn't turned into My street..passed the town {I was already in Panic} and ended in a area called 'bergwerkswald'

When he stopt I tried to get out the car but there was a kid security .I was unable to open it.he was constantly talking ,I cant remember what exactly,it is really long ago.Now at this time My memories are somewhat clouded ..like a fog.I remember I didn't feel any pain {strange} and then there is a huge 'nothing'.

I was found on the roadside ,nude ,bloody,and almost dead.someone found Me and I ended in the ER ..where My heart stopped beating .thanks to great doctors and nurses they worked on Me to save My life I am here .

I lost My hearing on the left side,My right ear is very weak .I am wearing a hearing aid.

what troubles Me still is that it was him who was stalking Me and how was he be able to do that? after the police found him and he went to jail,his wife !!!gave him an alibi..still his lawyer had a special Doctor writing an paper

making him not responsible for what he did.So he was placed in a Hospital for people with a mental illness!.Somehow his Doctor found him as OK after 1 year ...and he was free.And he found Me and repeated his attack.My luck I survived it but still have the marks from the knife.

Dominant or not ..there are dangerous people out there and We have to follow every step of the Safety protocol.I was a fool ,young and without to much experience back then.But Life showed Me .if you wanna live and enjoy your Life and specially Our Lifestyle you need to ask for references ...former subs ,ask to speak to ..face to face .Don't play on first Meet.Don't take any offer until you get to know the person .

Monday December 25, 2006 -

How I met My Dream /a repost

2010-03-22T17:18:00.000-07:00

How I met My Dream /a re-post

''I know I needed a spell check''

How I met my dream .!

.................I was living in Germany my whole life .as a Mother of 3 kids and as a Domme .I learned BDSM the old fashion way.As a assistant to a Mistress and a Master ,who run a school for lifestylers.its done the old way's ,lets say old European way's .As I realized very late in life that's a totally different way from the American ways .BDSM in Europe {as far as I experienced it}..is old .you start as a student .you nothing else to the point ,you have to take pencil and paper {while you watch a scene} and take notes . later you are going to help to prep a scene ,meaning clean toys ,making sure all equipment is working well .cause damage not good and dangerous. prepping a scene includes talking to all they are part of the scene .the 'help boy's' as well as the Dominants {in training} Yes right .Dominants need to train .how else you can be sure not to have to rush into a ER ,{with a sub/slave}or something in that manner .very well some of the teachers was doctors or nurses ,when doing a medical scene .And yes after the scene a student have to stay and watch the aftercare .later a student would have to talk about the learned stuff ,to see how much was really understood.student stay strictly students for at least 2-3 years .after that periods of time ,it will show is the student turning more to be a Dominant or a submissive.Since there are contracts done in the very beginning of the school year ,a student can all ways change there status after 1 year...,after 17 yrs teaching and living the lifestyle I was taking a lil break................well back to how I met my dream.......

how I met My Dream part 1 1/2

........................................................I was a 'stay at home mom ' and went frequently into chat {black Dominance room in yahoo},and was slowly getting use to the different lifestyle way's in bdsm ...and was totally surprised that there was ''online bdsm''' !!! but I met also many real time ppl in that chat.Many Dom's {so called} wanted to CYBER what I really don't like .I actually HATE that .So one day I did ran into a {very} young Dom, we had a disagreement {cant remember the topic},and after a while we started talking ....got along sometimes and not along in other days. Since I have a strong opinion ,that's my Domme side {I didn't knew then that there was another side of me }.after talking online ,lots of disagreements and many great talks we finally found out that we care much for each other .that was after 2 1/2 years of being in contact.I decided to visit my German girl friend in Florida .she was happy to see me after 16 years being apart .she is my best and closest girlfriend ,I truly love her with all my heart. She ask me to stay with her .but not knowing about visa's and other things ,I went back to Germany .3 month later I came to visit again.after staying 3 month with her ,I had to leave .a visa is only good for 3 month .I was talking {still } to that young Dom,and decided to visit him on my way back.my flight was from Fayetteville airport {my sister had arranged that} .So........................I TOOK THE GREY HOUND BUS LOL................I never took a greyhound bus before .it was pure HELL.no bathroom ....smelly and dirty .about 14 hours in the dang bus .But I finally reached my destination.Now here I did made a mistake {I realized it late} or didn't I?

I had a safe call {my girlfriend in Florida} but no way to make it.I was with ALL my luggage .{3 suitcases and 2 big bags and my pocketbook}and totally tired ,hurt .and kinda lost .the bus plan had changed and reached there 2 hours earlier ...meaning 5 am in the morning .I was probably looking like the devil after a party {lol} and I felt that way...........no I had only German money ....and it was night time {GIRLS DON'T EVER DO THIS }....I TRUSTED the young Dom to be there and pick me up ...........foolish ?and trusted that he would bring me into a nice hotel .....where I would be safe .And .................

...............................He showed up ...{he was very cute ,a bit taller then me and very tired 2 }.took my luggage and walked me to his car ....I hesitated ....and then .........he KISSED me ............wow!!!!! why did I let him do that ....i didn't wanted that .At least my mind said NO .......well he drove me to a hotel ...I called my safe call ...and

............all that next time
########################

part 2 How I met my Dream

............in the Hotel

He was taking all my luggage to the room {I was to tired out and way to tired to do so myself}and we talked a bit ,I went to shower .........ewwww I needed that after that dang bus lol..............and after talking way into the morning ,I found out way more then He told online {I understand that none going to tell anyone anything soooooo private online}He was living {again }with his family .And I found out later many American's live with family .so that wasn't to unusual.{I will not talk about his family in here ,but if anyone has a question I'm willing to answer}That very morning ...............I let my control go {my very first time in my life}and I agreed to be spanked .........more likely He used his belt .DON'T DO THAT {there should never be any playing or sceening on first meet} We had both agreed that if I cant handle it ,I would use my safe word.but it didn't came that far .I overly enjoyed myself to the point I still have that very belt.....mmmmm{crazy},but then and there I SWITCHED. And it took me some time to realize that .And ....surprisingly ...I was collared the next night {way to fast}on open cam for the black Dominance room to see .I didn't even realized the cam was on {don't like cam's},since that time I'm wearing his collar .....BUT I still had to LEAVE.....usa. I left ....sad and confused .I had to return into my world ,Germany ..where I was a Domme and Mommah of 3 {all grown up } kids.As I left I felt like leaving My Life .But there was NO way of staying .My plan's was to return ....His plans was finding a new place and to move out from His family.not some easy task .But somehow it was done.when I reached home {Germany} I told my grown up kids ,''its time to really finally to grow up .My Kids {all over 20 } didn't liked it at all .but they wasn't willing to move out and live on there own .they wasn't working or helping in the house.party ...party ...party ..that was there life.My choice was final.But......in the back of my mind was still a thought ....''what happened if he don't come trough'....and what happened if he don't find a place for us ?................

what happened if his family{family as in uncle,aunts,and so on} want him to stay

.It wasn't easy .All that needed to be talked about.And I had only 4 week's .I gave my daughter {the baby 21}the key's to the house .Rent was paid for 3 more month .She had plenty time to find a new place or stay there as the contract allows her that {I had made an agreement with the landlord}and I wanted her to take care my 3 cat's .My heart was breaking to leave my babies{grown up kids }and my cat's .After 4 week's I took my flight ...with some airport trouble in Germany,as you need all ways a 'round trip ticket'.{I didn't knew}and in Atlanta {as my flight was booked on 9,14 ...just 5 day's after 9'11}I expirenced a strip search and a cop who tasted some of the German ''kinderchocolade'' just to see if its really chocolate.lol

almost missed my following flight going from Atlanta to Fayetteville.But after flying about 28 hours I finally made it {Home}.But it did surprised me ...still ..He showed up ..He was there .He found a place .it was far from luxury ,it needed much work to make it comfy ,but his search time was limited .So ,we went ...and spend some beautiful time in that very first Home ,in our very first Home.

I was extremely happy .We had much play time .I discovered a new side of myself.He renamed me into kitten .Well I went from MsJade to be his Jadekitten.At the same time We both signed our contract and I placed my limits .Everything was well .But ............my time was limited ,AGAIN...my visa was about ...running out ..I missed my flight {I wanted too}my father offered to pay for a new flight .But my heart was breaking at the thought of leaving him again... not AGAIN ....... I was praying for a solution ,for some help from God.

One morning .....he woke up ,crying .I ask whats happening ,are you ok? He said He had a bad dream.He dreamed ....that He woke up ....and I wasn't there ...He said that He Cant let me go Again.....I was happy to hear that ,but we both didn't knew how to . all of a sudden He poposed to me ....He said pls stay forever ,don't leave ....just don't............leave AGAIN. And He said that He loves Me ..........

###################
how I met My Dream part 2 1/2
.......

On the 22nd of April 04 was our marriage day.We both thought ,thats it .I wouldn't have to leave AGAIN....but things was going to get confusing.As we discovered {late}that still we needed to fill out lots of paperwork {to many to name here }.And now even after over 2 years past ,my paperwork ain't done yet .I have a legal id and I 'm registered in our home and have a social security # but ...in many places I feel misplaced or feel hate toward me .And I thought America is open minded .Nevertheless I am very happy with my Dream Dom ,as I discovered he is a Daddy Dom.Very protecting of Me and most of the time He think I'm a porcelain doll .At times I wanna remind him that I'm also flesh and blood ....He always stay cool ,when I revolt {at times} .and I'm still learning to be just His lil kitten.He has the patience others dream of and many times I'm amazed about him.He is my dream Dom......

Part 3 is soon to follow...to be continued
#################
now today....

I was at first rewrite it but then again ..I see things different now ..some things changed ..I changed ..

what stands strong is that

I LOVE MY DADDY LC WITH ALL MY HEART.!

I haven't been active as a Domme since I got married and miss that part in My life ,I desire a sub ,just to complete LCs and My Life
I will write more soon ..
love you 'll

Mommah Jade {I wrote that about 5 years ago }

Is there a difference between 'being a Lady ' or 'being a slut' ?

2010-03-10T17:17:00.000-08:00

In My time as a Domme I have seen many different lifestyle's ..vanilla ..bdsm ...tg lifestyle...swinger lifestyle...{and more} each lifestyle has many different style in them self and also certain rules to follow or live by. But mostly its a mystery to Me why in the world 'most' people wanna be 'slutty' a slut or a 'whore' and serving is based on sex or pleasing only in a sexual manner? ain't it better to serve how ever your Dominant ,Mistress ,Master or Daddy decides or feel like? there was an old saying ''be a Lady in the streets but be a ..... in ....''you know the rest. in the tg group I have seen many girls coming to Us and they so 'USE TO' that Dominants 'require' them to be slutty or to behave like a whore. why is that SO? all yahoo groups are full of sex orientated groups. showing of explicit photos ..they feel like 'they more 'weird' they better !! But real Life ...where is 'REAL LIFE' if you a gg ..a female or a tg or a male {submissive}you have to live a REAL LIFE some how somewhere ..correct? our group members are tg people regardless of gender that follow a journey in there Life and on the the goal is to live a REAL LIFE going to work they way they feel in there heart.being loved by their Family and being accepted how they choose to be because a inner nature !

~ Lady Jade

Is there a difference between 'being a Lady ' or 'being a slut' ?

2010-03-10T14:37:00.000-08:00

In My time as a Domme I have seen many different lifestyle's ..vanilla ..bdsm ...tg lifestyle...swinger lifestyle...{and more} each lifestyle has many different style in them self and also certain rules to follow or live by. But mostly its a mystery to Me why in the world 'most' people wanna be 'slutty' a slut or a 'whore' and serving is based on sex or pleasing only in a sexual manner? ain't it better to serve how ever your Dominant ,Mistress ,Master or Daddy decides or feel like? there was an old saying ''be a Lady in the streets but be a ..... in ....''you know the rest. in the tg group I have seen many girls coming to Us and they so 'USE TO' that Dominants 'require' them to be slutty or to behave like a whore. why is that SO? all yahoo groups are full of sex orientated groups. showing of explicit photos ..they feel like 'they more 'weird' they better !! But real Life ...where is 'REAL LIFE' if you a gg ..a female or a tg or a male {submissive}you have to live a REAL LIFE some how somewhere ..correct? our group members are tg people regardless of gender that follow a journey in their Life and on their goal is to live a REAL LIFE going to work they way they feel in there heart.being loved by their Family and being accepted how they choose to be because a inner nature !

~ Lady Jade

BDSM Dictionary

2010-03-07T09:53:00.000-08:00

24/7: A BDSM relationship in which the Dom and sub exist in a perpetual power exchange.

Aftercare: The last act of a BDSM session used to transition the submissive from the elevated states created in a scene back to normalcy. Feelings of affection, comfort and gratitude are often exchanged during this period.

Age Play: Play where an adult gains pleasure from taking on the role of a much younger person, usually a child or 'adult baby' (infantilism).

Animal Play: Taking on the role of a specific animal. Ponyplay and dogplay are the most popular. This type of play often includes obedience training, exercise training, paper-training (in dog play), harnessing and riding (in ponyplay).

Anal Play: Any play involving the ass, such as fisting, butt plugs, anal sex, etc.

Ball Gag: A device used in BDSM play to prevent a sub from speaking or crying out. A rubber ball that is held securely between the submissive's teeth and strapped into place.

BDSM: The word BDSM is a combination of BD for Bondage Discipline, DS for Domination and Submission, and SM for Sado Masochistic.

Blood Sports: A group of techniques in which the sub's skin is pierced or cut and blood is involved.

Body Modification: To have the body modified by piercing, branding, or cutting.

Bondage: Technique used to render a submissive physically helpless using ropes, restraints, cuffs, etc.

Bottom: A person who receives pain or bondage in an SM scene, but who may or may not have a power relationship with the top. Also used as a verb "to bottom"

Brat: A submissive who likes to act naughty or mischievous and will sometimes test his or her Dominant’s boundaries, patience or limits in order to get a beating.

Breath Control: A form of edgeplay in which the top restricts the bottom's ability to breathe, either by constricting the neck or by blocking the mouth or nose.

Bukkake: When many men ejaculate on the face of a submissive.

Bullwhip: A very long, heavy, single strand leather whip.

Butt plug: A sex toy similar to a dildo which is designed for anal penetration and has a flared base.

Cane: a rod made of bamboo or plastic. Used in Victorianesque themed play. Leaves nasty welts.

Cat-O' Nine-Tails (cat): A whip consisting of nine strands of leather with weighted or cutting ends.
CBT (Cock and Ball Torture): Intense torture of the male genitals involving constriction and or denial of erection.
Clamps: Devices used in S&M play to pinch, cut off blood flow, to certain areas of the body such as the nipples and genitals. Clothespins and nipple-clamps are most common.
Collar: Worn around the neck, signifies ownership. To say that someone is "collared" to a Dominant means that the person wearing the collar is the property of the Dominant.

Collaring Ceremony: The Dominant places a collar around his or her sub’s throat as part of a formalized commitment ceremony in which the couple exchange vows and pledge their commitment to and love for one another.

Contract: A written agreement outlining the rights and duties of D/s partners. BDSM contracts do not have any meaning in terms of law, but they are often used to define the relationship.

Crop: Riding Crop used for spanking techniques.

Cyber: Refers to a relationship, collaring, or sexual activity which is online only.

Daddy: A dominant who assumes a paternal, mentoring role with a submissive, provides guidance and expresses a masculine identity. Not always gender specific.

Discipline: Structured training or punishment given to a submissive with the goal of providing guidance and correcting behavior.

Dom, Domme, Dominant: The person who is in charge/control (also referred to as a Top). Female Dominants are referred to as Dommes.

Domspace: A state of altered awareness that Dominants often achieve while scening. Domspace is an intensely pleasurable and satisfying state for a Dominant to achieve, but is also immensely draining, usually requiring rest afterwards.

Dungeon: A space used for BDSM activities, public or private, and furnished with BDSM equipment.

Edgeplay: These are particularly dangerous BDSM techniques that are looked upon with some trepidation such as bloodsports and asphyxia.

Electrical Play: Using electrical devices such as violet wands,TENS units, etc. for stimulation.

Endorphin: A hormone secreted by the body when experiencing pain that creates a feeling of euphoria. When a person is under the influence of endorphins, usually it is said that he or she is in "subspace".

Enema: The injection of a fluid into the rectum. Often used in medical scenes.

EPE (Erotic Power Exchange): When two partners exchange power in an erotic setting. Both S&M and D/s are forms of EPE.
Exhibitionism: Getting sexual pleasure from exposing oneself to others or being watched while scening or having sex.

Femdom: Female Domination, or when a woman is the Dominant partner. A female Dominant is referred to as a Domme or Dominatrix.

Fetish: A strong sexual interest in or obsession over some object, body part, or activity. Examples include foot fetish and latex fetish. Also used broadly to describe any non-traditional sex, especially BDSM.

Fisting: Penetration of the vagina or anus using the fist/hand.

Flogger: A device consisting of a handle and numerous strands in various sizes and materials.

Foot worship: Also called "foot service." Oral service (licking, kissing, sucking) to bare feet.

Forced Feminization (Sissification): When a Dominant "forces" a submissive man to dress and/or behave in a feminine manner.

Golden Shower: A technique where the Dominant urinates on the submissive. Sometimes used as a form of humiliation.

Gorean: One who adopts the code and style of life as portrayed by the GOR books of John Norman.

Head-play: Also known as "mind-play, mind games, head games, head trips, and mind-fucking." This means any kind of manipulation by the Dominant which heightens anticipation and fear in an emotionally masochistic bottom and thus intensifies the bottom's erotic response. This includes everything from "verbal abuse" to complex scenarios that confuse or surprise the bottom into deeper "sub-space."

Humiliation: Embarrassment or degradation of a submissive in some way by his or her Dominant.

Kajira: This fictional term for "slavegirl" derives from the GOR series, and denotes women who attempt to live by the standard set in the books.

Kink/ Kinky: Sexual activity that is somehow non-traditional or exotic.

Kink-Friendly: A person or establishment that is sympathetic and/or supportive to kinky people.

Leather: Although many hetero folks are into leather, it typically refers to the Gay BDSM community

Hard Limits:The maximum edge of someone's negotiated limit. In some cases, a hard limit is a personal choice; in others, it is a necessity to safeguard the submissive's health. For example, if the submissive is allergic to latex, any latex product would be a "hard limit."

Masochism: The ability to derive pleasure from pain.

Master, Mistress: A Dominant Male or female. The person in charge/control (also referred to as a Top). Mostly used in terms of Ownership.

Mentor: A wise and trusted teacher or advisor.

Munch: A social gathering of BDSM people, usually in a restaurant.

Mummification: A form of bondage where the passive partner is wrapped from head to toe in various materials such as rope, saran wrap, duct-tape, latex, etc.

Negotiation: The art and science of reaching a clear, consensual agreement with your BDSM partner about the type of relationship you will have and the kinds of kinky things you will do together.

Old Guard: The exclusively gay male, loosely organized network of leather clubs (circa 1940s-1950s) which established the rituals and mores of leather culture.

OTK (Over The Knee): A spanking given while the submissive is bent over the Dominant's knee.

Paddle: A flat instrument used for spanking purposes - mostly made of leather or wood - sometimes with air holes for a better effect.

Pain Slut: A person who derives pleasure from intense pain.

Pansexual: A person, organization or community that caters to all sexual orientations, genders, and activities.

Play-partner: Generally refers to anyone with whom one has BDSM encounters or scenes. Implies a casual relationship.
Poly: Short for "polyamory" is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
Ponygirl: A submissive trained to act and look like a pony.

Power exchange:The consensual transfer of power by the submissive to the Dominant. The exchange takes place when the returned energy from the Dominant empowers the submissive.
Pro-Domme: A Professional Dominatrix. Payment ("tribute") is expected for sessions and normally there is no sexual contact involved.

Protector: A protector is one who is entrusted with the care of another's sub/slave. A protector is also one who will take the place of the Master/Mistress at any function the Master cannot attend.

Punishment: Any negative stimulus that a submissive must endure as a consequence of his or her behavior(s). This can be physical (i.e. a caning, flogging, spanking or probing) or it can be psychological (i.e. withdrawal of a privilege).

Pushing Limits: By consent, a submissive agrees to let the Dominant push them to a limit and slightly beyond. Most commonly this occurs when the submissive believes his or her limit stems from an irrational fear they hope the Dominant will help them to overcome.

RACK: Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK, also Risk-Accepted Consensual Kink) is an acronym used by some of the BDSM community to describe themselves and their philosophies. It specifies that any activity between fully-informed consenting adults is acceptable.
Restraints: Devices used to impede movement for some purpose be it for pain, humiliation, punishment or pleasure.

R/L or R/T: Real life or real time as opposed to online.

Rough Trade: The practice of violent or rough sexual activities in the gay community. Sometimes practiced between heterosexual and gay men for money.

Sadist: One who derives his/her pleasure from inflicting emotional or physical pain on another.

SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual): Activities that are "safe" (no form of pain or stimulation that causes harm), "sane" (with respect for both body and mind), and consensual (all partners involved are adults who are able to give informed consent). First formulated by David Stein, for GMSMA.

Safeword: A word, phrase or sign the participants agree on which causes a scene to stop immediately.

Safe Call :a phone call set up to a trusted friend when meeting a stranger for the first time (http://houseofdarkpassion.blogspot.com/2009/06/safety-rules-repost.html)

SAM (Smart Ass Masochist): A bottom or submissive who knowingly misbehaves in order to receive attention. see Topping From The Bottom.

Scat (coprophilia): Playing with or ingesting feces. Also used as a humiliation technique.

Scene: Interaction between a Dominant and submissive (or switch) for pleasure, discipline or both. A scene usually involves toys, restraints, and/or dungeon equipment. Sex doesn’t have to be present for the interaction to constitute a scene.

Slave: A person who gives total control to and becomes the property of their Master.
Spreader Bar: A bar of any kind of material (usually wood or metal) used to keep two body parts (ankles, wrists, thighs) spread apart from each other.

Strap-on: A dildo that is worn by someone, attached to a harness, so that it can be thrust into a partner like a penis.

Submissive (Sub): A person who gives the control to another person (Dom/me, Top)

Subdrop/Domdrop: Feelings of depression and confusion experienced in the days following an intense scene.

Subfrenzy: An intense craving or longing to spend time with a Dominant.

Subspace: A trance-like state of mind and body the submissive experiences during a scene. It is often described as a feeling of lightness, flying, or euphoria. The feelings are often caused by endorphins emitted during intense scenes.

Suspension: The act of being suspended by wrists, ankles or other body parts.

Switch: A person who switches roles between submissive and Dominant.
Top: A Dominant Male or female. The person in charge/control.

Topping from the bottom: When a submissive attempts to assert dominance while in submission to his or her Dominant. see SAM.

TPE (Total Power Exchange): The consensual transfer of power by the submissive to the Dominant. The exchange takes place when the returned energy from the Dominant empowers the submissive.

Toilet slave: Someone who has a fetish for serving the Dominant's toilet habits or who has a fetish for being ordered to clean or worship toilets. May also refer to someone who wishes to role play as a toilet.

Toy: The physical objects used in and around the scene, such as whips, paddles, cuffs, and floggers.

TV, TS, TG (Transvestite, Transsexual, Transgender, T-girl): Men who live or dress up as women. A person who is a transvestite, cross dresser, or transsexual isn't necessarily into BDSM.

Vanilla: A person with no interest in BDSM. Plain standard sex - non BDSM sex.
Violet Wand: An electric device usually in form of a glass cylinder which uses the effect of high frequent electric charges generated by a tesla device to apply intense stimulation.

Voyeurism: Getting sexual pleasure from watching someone else scene or have sex.

Watersports: Golden showers, urine play.

Whip: Usually made of leather with a medium sized handle and a single strand of long braided leather strings.

WIITWD: An initialism for "What it is that we do". It is intended to include all activities that the mainstream would consider "Kinky".
http://www.darkconnections.com/dictionary/index.htm

To Tribute or not to Tribute is the question?

2010-02-22T10:26:00.000-08:00

picture{French dominatrix en:Maîtresse Françoise.}

_____________________________

in the forum somewhere i found this topic and thought I would share it ...

what are your thoughts about :
To Tribute or not to Tribute is the question?

Are you asking about tribute within a D/s dynamic? Someone who is requesting tribute in order for you to meet with her? Tribute as compensation as a pro dominant? Are you asking about the validity of financial domination? Are you even talking about a financial transaction at all or might you be talking about a tribute such as a time investment on your part? My personal answer isn't the same for the number of possibilities that can be associated with the word tribute.

_____________________________

There is no reason to pay tribute to anyone if they have done nothing to inspire you to pay tribute. Paying tribute to someone you talk to over the internet is likely about that person making money. As a Dominant I expect my subs to pay tribute to me daily in the form of their respect and submission. Of course, if you have hired a pro then they are entitled to be compensated for their time and work. It's all a matter of perspective. However, I would be careful of people asking for any tribute up front.

_____________________________

Each ProDomme puts tons of time and often money into Her business. You don't go to a body shop, and expect them to order a specialized part and then not expect to pay a deposit. It's no different for a ProDomme. If you're really curious about a Pro, try getting DDI. The publisher takes a good deal of feedback from Pros that advertise with him and individuals who cruise the ads. If a certain advertiser starts getting some consistently rough feedback, he'll pull the ad from the next issue because that does end up hurting his credibility with the individuals who make him the most money: the readers. You can count on those Women being pretty reputable and, as long as you're seriously looking for a session, you shouldn't have a problem paying for it.

Personally speaking, I pay tribute every day with a foot rub when She gets home.

_____________________________{above opinions from the forum}

Dominatrix
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

A dominatrix (plural dominatrices or dominatrixes) or mistress is a woman who takes the dominant role in bondage and discipline, dominance and submission or BDSM. A common form of address for a submissive to a dominatrix is "mistress", "ma'am", "domina" or "maîtresse". Note that a dominatrix does not necessarily dominate a male partner; a dominatrix may well have female submissives.

The term "domme" (pronounced /ˈdɒm/) is a coined pseudo-French female variation of the slang dom (short for dominant). It stems from the Latin words "dominus" = master, "domina" = mistress. The pronunciation is identical to the term "dom", by analogy to one-syllable French-derived words like femme or blonde.

As fetish culture is increasingly becoming more prevalent in Western media, depictions of dominatrices in film and television have become more common.

Word history

Dominatrix is the feminine form of the Latin dominator, a ruler or lord, and was originally used in a non-sexual sense. Its use in English dates back to at least 1561. Its earliest recorded use in the prevalent modern sense, as a female dominant in S&M, dates to 1967.[1]

Although the term "dominatrix" is not used, the classic example in literature of the female dominant-male submissive relationship is portrayed in the 1870 novella Venus in Furs by Austrian author Leopold von Sacher-Masoch. The term masochism was later derived from the author's name.
Professional versus lifestyle dominatrices

French dominatrix Maîtresse Françoise.'

The term dominatrix is often used to describe a professional dominant woman (or pro-domme) who charges money to engage in fantasy play with submissive clients by visiting their homes in person or via chat. In reality most dominatrices are not professionals, but lifestyle dominants. A lifestyle dominant is a person who is assertive and in control of their relationships both inside and outside the bedroom.

Women who engage in female domination recreation ally are known as dommes, dominatrices, mistresses, or simply dominants.[2] A high percentage of dominants are lifestyle dominants, but some simply play the dominatrix role because it is perceived as a high-paying profession.

It is common for professional dominatrices who are also lifestyle dommes to have both paying clients and a "personal slave or sub" or slaves or subs, who are not paying clients. A personal slave will typically perform a domme's housework and run errands for her. A personal slave may or may not live with his or her domme.

Professional dominants most frequently do not engage in sexual contact with their paying customers, as this can be construed as prostitution in some places. Outside of their life as a pro-domme, they may or may not engage in sexual behavior with a devoted slave or sub. A common form of domination involves chastity where a dominant controls her slaves' sexual access, sometimes keeping them locked in a chastity device except for rare occasions.

The stereotypical image of a dominatrix is of a woman wearing a rubber or leather catsuit and thigh-length boots with high heels or, in a more elegant and teasing mode, black lingerie, stockings and high heels, or some combination of these two alternatives. Many professional dominatrices do indeed wear similar outfits for their work in order to meet client expectations.

Kundalini Rising

2010-02-10T18:05:00.000-08:00

Kundalini Rising

By Mistress Steel

steelbfl@sonic.net

http://www.steel-door.com

Kundalini is a Hindu word which describes or attempts to describe the sacred transformative element that awakens consciousness. Kundalini is also described as a sacred, spiritual or creative energy which when activated within the individual 'rises' to 'erupt' through the persons energy 'vents' or chakras awakening 'self-realization' or the integrated force of the individuals physiological, mental, emotional and religious selves. This type of awakening may also be called shamanic awakening, ascension, transformation, awakening or release of the energy body.

Many people exploring the BDSM lifestyle encounter unique and unusual phenomenon relating to what we call 'space'. A submissive who spontaneously enters space for the first time will frequently recount transcendent and transforming and/or radical mental, emotional, interpersonal, psychic, spiritual and lifestyle thoughts and experiences. The power of the experience can be so intense that the individual may retreat into a state of confusion and panic as space or energy 'subsides' from them. Frequently their initial experience is involuntary or spontaneous. Following this first 'eruption' or awakening some submissives begin to encounter or experience profound subtle changes and realizations in their life and viewpoint.

In addition some submissives encounter or note physical phenomenon which are strange or different from anything they have encountered before. Some of these phenomenon may present themselves as uncontrollable muscular twitches, spasms or cramps following a scene or intense encounter with their Dominant. These sensations may also include itching, vibration or 'quaking' of the body, prickling of the skin, goose bumps or the sensation of energy 'crawling' along the surface of their skin. They may actually 'feel' an immense energy rush or flow coursing through their body, some submissives may even encounter the expression of this energy as actual electricity which may further manifest as being 'charged' or through the release of static charges.

Adapting to these new 'flows' of energy or energy release frequently takes many years as the body quite literally adapts to new processes from the inside out. During this adaptive process many submissives can experience symptoms which cannot be traced to any direct illness, disease or physical problem. Many submissives within this process may find that they are diagnosed as having some form of epilepsy, restless legs syndrome, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fiber Myalgia as well as some unidentifiable mental psychosis. It should be noted here that these diagnosis may be entirely accurate within the framework of how science views the body as separate from the mind or spiritual aspects. Any suggested diagnostic medical path that the individual believes in should be followed by the individual to aid in reducing or alleviating some of these symptoms. Many submissives will find that these symptoms occur in waves and frequently seem to diminish as the transformation of their life (frequently from vanilla to alternative lifestyle) progresses. Other symptoms of note are digestive problems, headaches, numbness and neck or back pain. Buzzing or ringing in the head (sometimes also a symptom of high-blood pressure) Mental symptoms may include intense emotional outbursts, a reduction of emotional control, rapid mood swings, strong episodes of grief, fear, rage and depression with no apparent source or trigger point.

Many submissives may also note a distinctive and profound 'healing state' which temporarily frees them from pervasive long term physical ailments or disease during the actual experiencing of a spatial high or 'rising'. They may also experience blissful sensations in the head, heightened awareness including acuity of the senses, and mystical experiences (such as a sense that they are communing with their identification of the god presence) If this type of mystical state appears to challenge their existing or long term belief system then they may feel threatened or conflicted which can lead to forms of psychosis or self-grandiosity. As a submissive proceeds through this 'self realization' process or as some call it 'actualization' they frequently experience sensations of intense ecstasy, bliss, intervals of tremendous joy and serenity. Their psychic experiences may include ESP, out-of-body or astral travels, spontaneous repressed or regressive memory releases, a conceptual awareness of the 'presence', intense and sometimes prophetic dreams, visions and healing powers. Many will also note a 'freeing' of their creative energy which may be expressed in music, poetry, art, writing etc. Many express a new and intense interest in spiritual truths, self-awareness and expression, intensified understanding and sensitivity as well as a compelling need to pursue further insights into their inner essence. They also frequently find themselves 'feeling into' or attaining energy or frequency alignment with their Dominant.

BDSM and D/s activities and experiences tend to center within the two most creative systems of the human body, the human reproductive system which is at the highest energy creative level as it deals with the creation of life itself and the human intellectual system. Within BDSM activities it is common to challenge the mind or push or press the mind beyond the normal functioning 'range', forcing the mind into new territory, new worlds, new experiences, releasing new thoughts, ideas, understandings.

Though this article is written expressing 'submissive' space, this 'space' is not actually the domain of the submissive. Within the BDSM community the term 'space' is simply commonly related to or applying to submissives. This eruption of self-realization, spontaneous experience of awakening or 'space' occurs to both Dominant and submissive equally and all the information noted above applies equally to all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.sensuoussadie.com/spiritualityarticles/steelarticle2.htm
All Rights Reserved By Mistress Steel

comments or email steelbfl@sonic.net

Hair Bondage {LDP}

2010-02-10T16:08:00.000-08:00

Hair Bondage{ very interesting }

Hair bondage is a fun way to control your submissive or bottom. With the hair bound, you can use the ropes like a leash, directing where they can look.

Or you can tie the ropes to something, immobilizing their head. Be sure that they are properly supported, so they won’t end up hanging by their hair if they should pass out.

Or you can pull their head back, exposing their throat, and making them look and feel really vulnerable. (Be careful how far you pull their head back; some people have trouble swallowing with their head tilted back. And it goes without saying that you should make sure they don’t have any neck problems that this would aggravate.)

To do hair bondage, you will need two five-foot-long pieces of rope. To begin, take one piece of rope and tie an overhand knot in it, with the ends at the bottom, like this:

Gather up the hair, like you were making a pony tail. Slip the loop over the hair, and pull it snug, but not tight.

Take the second piece of rope and tie an overhand knot in it, with the ends at the top, like this:

Slip this loop over the pony tail, next to the first one, and pull it snug, but not tight.

We now have four rope ends, and we are going to braid them, using a four-strand whipmaker’s braid. This will spread the load over the hair, making it less prone to damage. It works kind of like the old Chinese finger trap toys; as the ropes are pulled, the braid gets tighter all along the length of the hair, trapping it in place.

To begin the braid, take the rope farthest away from you on the right. Bring it down underneath the pony tail, from right to left, then bring it between the two strands on the left.

Note: At first glance, it may appear from the picture that it is the rope nearest you on the right side that went underneath the pony tail. That is an optical illusion; it is truly the rope farthest away from you.

Take the rope that is in your hand and bring it back over the pony tail, so it is on the side you started with, but now it is the closest rope. Pull all the ends taut.

Now take the rope farthest away from you on the left, bring it down underneath the pony tail, from left to right, then bring it between the two strands on the right, and back over to the left, where it started.

Now pull all the ends taut.

Continue this process, alternating between the rope farthest away from you on the right, and the rope farthest away from you on the left, pulling the ends taut each time. Soon you should have something that looks like this.

At this point, there are a couple of ways to finish off the braid. The simplest is to take the two pairs of ends, and tie them in a square knot (left over right, then right over left).

A fancier way is to take the four ends, and braid them into the four-strand chevron braid described in the crotchrope handout. The result looks like this:

The rope used here is available from Rainbow Rope, http://www.rainbowrope.com

Disclaimer: The techniques I describe here are as safe as I know how to make them, and I believe in them enough to trust the life of my beloved Mistress to them. However, you are ultimately responsible for the safety of anyone you tie up. Know your captive’s limitations, and any medical conditions they may have. Don’t mix bondage with drugs or alcohol. And don’t even think of trying suspension until you are really experienced with ropework.

Copyright © 2001, Lynn Grant
ropefashions@ameritech.net

Hair Bondage Tips
techniques and tricks
for doing it right

Incorporating the hair in your bondage is appealing to many and for many different reasons. It dramatically increases the feeling of being restrained, it's incredibly intimate and personal, it can be painful, humiliating and it often is a very effecitive way to keep the head still and in position for other things, such as "forced" oral sex.
http://www.fetishexchange.org/hairbond01.shtml
Binding the hair may not always be easy. The hair easily slips out of every knot you tie, unless you know how to do it right. And not every technique can applied with every type of hair. Long hair is a lot easier to use of course. Short and extremely short hair may be a problem. In other words, you may to to experiment with different techniques a bit before you find the one most suitable for your own situation.

[Pro Tip] If you find the hair still slips out of the rope, try using hair spray first. This will make the hair less slippery and stick to the rope and to itself.

Be considerate with your submissive. If a strand of hair has been tied for any length of time, it may be hard to get it back into the normal style for a day or two - especially if it's usually worn loose. Hence don't do this in the event your sub has to go to work or to an important job interview the next morning.

No matter what you see on pictures and in videos, there is a certain risk. Any brisk or unexpected movement may cause someone to pull out their own hair, especially if the strand used is not thick enough. Especially if you and your submissive are inexperienced, make sure you use thick strand or an entire ponytail and never "hang" anyone inexperienced from the hair. This includes forcing someone to stand on their toes tied this way - if they fall, lose their balance or faint they may scalp themself.

Okay, now that we've settled that, let's concentrate on some of the different techniques. We'll describe several techniques here that everybody can do, without special knot tying techniques or needing special attributes.
Technique 1 - Japanese Braiding

Japanese bondage masters prefer special rice rope for this, but hemp will do just as well because it's a bit rough. This is a typical long hair technique and the main advantage is that it can be kept in for hours or days if you like and that - once tied correctly - you can use it for a variety of different playforms. If you're planning to use it in different forms (this goes for all forms of hair bondage) observe the pulling direction. For example, if the direction of the bondage is downward, never use it for an upward position later without changing it, since that will cause the full force to be applied on only a part of the strand which may cause your submissive to pull parts of their hair out themself. The safest way is to put the hair in a loose ponytail at the back center of the head first.

Now what you do is you take three or four thin ropes and use them together as one rope. Lay the middle of your rope bundle behind the ponytail and wrap both ends around the tail (as TIGHT as you can) two or three times, about one third of the length of the ponytail from the head. Next divide both the rope bundle and the hair in three strands and braid them again TIGHTLY (really try doing this as tight as you can) and go down as far as you can. When done, seperate the rope from the hair and tie the rope strings together with a series of reef knots (also called square knots), tight again. You can now either use the remainder of the rope bundle (if long enough) to tie it to something else or tie another rope to the end of the braided bundle to use in the rest of your bondage.
Technique 2 - The Knot Tube

This technique again is only suitable for long hair. Best use hemp rope again, about the thickness of a pencil. Seperate a strand of hair (or use an entire ponytail) and work from the middle of the rope. Wrap it around the strand, close to the head once and make a half reef knot. Now lay the strand of hair over the knot and make another half reef knot. Wrap the rope around the strand again and repeat the procedure. Repeat this over and over again. Mind you, this takes quite a while to complete and an equally long time or more to untie again so this is not something to do in the event you only have a little time. Make sure to make your wraps and knots TIGHT and be aware that a small strand or slick hair may easily slip out, despite the number of knots. Using hair spray may be a good idea in such cases.

[Pro Tip] If you want to be extra "cruel" make the strand of hair wet before tying it this way. Especially if the hair remains tied like this for a couple of hours and dries this will cause a great "semi-permanent wave" that may last one or two days, causing a similar effect bruises after a whipping or a caning has. In other words, they'll have something visible to remind them of the bondage for a longer period of time.

Technique 3 - The Ring

The final technique we'd like to discuss here is the use of a ring. This technique is probably your best best if your submissive's hair is not really long and also is the simplest one if you're not an experienced bondage master.

You can use any type of ring. Take a strand of hair, lead it through the ring and fold it around it. Make sure the part between the head and the ring is one-third of the hair and the part that's folded back is two-thirds. Now either use thin packing rope or fishing line and wrap this around the folded strand, starting from the ring and working towards the head. When finished, fold the remaining one-third upward and repeat the wrapping, this time upwards towards the ring and finally tie the rope. Make sure your wrapping is a tight as possible. When done correctly it is next to impossible that the hair will slip out of the rope and the ring of course can be used as a connection point for any other bondage. The possibilities are endless: from tying the submissive's hands behind their head to fastening the ring to something else, like a wall hook or whatever other object. The ring of course also allows for the use of quick snap hooks, so this technique is very suitable for use in combination with other things, like leather of steel handcuffs, tackles and similar gear. This too can be left in almost endlessly, provided the strand used is not too thin (if it is it's likely the tension eventually will become too much.

Please Me [poem by joy}

2010-02-06T14:55:00.000-08:00

Please Me

Author: Joy © 10/99

I watch as you wet the thin soft strips of leather
my skin becoming goose fleshed in the coldness of your presence
then I look into your eyes and I am not afraid
I see love and trusty
and I know I am safe.
"Lie down." you whisper in my ear
then playfully nibble my lobe before releasing me.
I do as I am told.
You stand over me
tall
strong
dominating
and I shiver once again.
Taking four of the strips
you encircle my wrists and ankles.
The leather is soft and wet against my skin.
You secure the loops
each tied tightly to a corner of the bed.
I am vulnerable
exposed
helpless to your every desire
and it excites me.
You come close to me
slithering up between my spreading thighs.
You lie your weight upon me
flesh upon flesh
your fingers intertwine with mine
You kiss me
your tongue forcefully parting my lips
your mouth savagely devouring mine
then you pull away.
I try to follow
my mouth hungers for more.
But I can not reach you.
I struggle against my constrains
longing to touch your chest
your mouth
You move further away
and I wilt with unfulfilled desire.
But soon you are back
towering over me once again
a bundle of leather strips held in your hand.
You teasingly tickle my stomach with the wet tips
barely brushing my skin
making tiny swirling s shapes on my skin.
SWOOSH
the sting of pain
as you slash the leather whips across me.
I wince
tears well up in my eyes
and spill onto my cheeks
the welts appear instantly.
You slash again.. .
SWOOSH
and again..
SWOOSH
and I cry out
with the ecstasy of pain.
My skin is set alive
burning
aching
longing
on fire with desire and pain
I close my eyes
and wait
then I feel it.
the leather...
as it slides between my legs
teasing me
promises of pleasing me.
I am your prisoner
a prisoner to the pleasures of pain.
Release me..release me
please please me...
SWOOSH
The leather strikes my wettest desire
hot burning desire
Then it happens....
I feel your warm lips
kissing my wounds
licking them
nurturing them.
and the pleasure
from the sheer sweet relief
is too much to bear.
Your tongue
warm
wet
gentle
traces the raised path of welts on my stomach
and I know your destination.
I raise my hips
trying to rush your journey
but you will not be rushed.
You trace and retrace the path
always stopping short....
tease me..tease me...
please, please me...
Then without warning you are there.
Your tongue
swirling in folds of warm flesh
your lips
sucking
pulling
at my swollen bud
You linger here
at this most sensitive spot
exploring
traveling every crease and curve
My muscles tense
my back arches
the leather cuts into my skin
Your tongue thrusts into me.
Your hands grip my hips.
You are buried
immersed
drowning
in the flow of my love.
Your mouth
your tongue
your lips
your teeth
bringing me to heights of pleasure
only dream of before.
The leather has dried
and I am unable to move
even slightly
but my body convulses in waves of orgasm
straining the very limits of my flesh
and soul...
An animal wail escapes from my throat
a moan
a growl
a primeval howl.
I am yours until the end of time
your slave
your love
your prisoner
NEVER LET ME GO

The Ceremony of the Roses by jade

2010-02-06T14:37:00.000-08:00

The Ceremony of the Roses

The formal lifestyle is filled with traditions and ceremonies that are seldom witnessed by the outside world and perhaps one of the most moving and meaningful is the "bonding ritual" or Ceremony of the Roses. This ceremony is steeped in symbolism and mystique that dates back for centuries. Here is a brief description of what it involves and means

An Eternal Bond A couple who has decided to remain together for the duration of their lives and beyond will often opt for this ritual as a symbolic statement of their eternal commitment. It is sometimes used to renew a relationship that has gone through a difficult time and survived the test. There are many variations and couples often choose to add special touches to make it uniquely theirs.

The ceremony is never public. Most often only the couple and one or two of their closest associates attend. The submissive carries a single white rose, not quite in full bloom. The Dominant holds a single red rose that is opened almost fully. Both roses must have thorns on their stems and be freshly cut. To perform two other parts of this ritual, a 6-8 foot length of light chain is also required along with several candles or an alcohol burner (or other liquid fuel , such as a good serving dish might use).

The couple, along with one or two of their closest friends, stand facing each other. The submissive, wearing a simple dress, holds her single white rose. Her Dominant, holding his red rose, removes her collar. He passes it quickly through the flames of a small burner and returns it to her neck. As he fastens it securely, he makes a declaration to her that he will protect and guide her for all of eternity.

With a thorn on the stem of his red rose, he pricks her middle finger and lets two drops of blood fall on the white petals of her rose. She then offers the thorns of her rose to him and he pricks his own finger. He lets two drops fall to her rose, one alone and one on top of a drop of hers. The two then press their fingers together and make their vows to be joined by blood.

Their witnesses or friends take a length of light-weight chain and pass it quickly though the flame and wrap it around the couple. They again make their vows to be bound by their souls for eternity. The roses are touched together, letting the blood from hers kiss his, and are then exchanged. The chain is removed and wrapped carefully in a cloth to be given to the couple when the ceremony has ended. The roses are put into a single vase and will later be taken to their private chamber to remain as a reminder to them as they contemplate their new bond that night while joining their bodies.

In the morning, they share their hopes and dreams of being together for eternity and pluck the petals from the roses to place them in a container together. These petals are kept for the lifetime of the couple and a portion of them are buried with each in death. The chain is passed down in the family or given to an honored friend who will use it in their own bonding ceremony.

The Symbolism Revealed

The significance of the roses

The white rose, still not in full bloom, symbolizes her submission. The white color represents the purity of her gift, while the still slightly closed petals show that her submission has not come into full bloom. It never will. Submission is ever deepening, ever growing and the submissive will never reach a place where she cannot open a bit more for her Dominant. The red rose, almost fully open, signifies his dominance. The red represents his passion and desire to posses and protect her at all costs, though it may require him to spill his blood to do so. The rose is almost in full bloom to symbolize that he is ready and mature enough to accept the responsibilities required of him.

In older times, the collar would have been made of metal and heated to a glow and plunged into cold water to temper it after it was burned of all impurities. This action symbolized the removing of all impurities from the circle of ownership provided by the Dominant. All outside influences are burned away in the heat of his desire to protect and defend his submissive. The tempering of the metal that takes place when plunged into cold water shows the strengthening of their commitment by submersion into the waters of life. Today we only symbolize this by passing the collar quickly though the flame, taking care not to damage it. (Note: The use of an alcohol burner in place of a candle prevents any carbon residue from getting on the collar, although there will probably be none if the action is performed quickly enough.)

The significance of the blood:

Pricking the finger of the submissive is symbolic of taking her virginity. She has shed blood to give herself completely to him. The drops on the white rose also speak of the same thing. In pricking his own finger, the dominant shows his willingness to shed his blood to protect and defend her by virtue of his ownership. The drops on her rose show that vividly; the drop that falls on her blood covers it and blends with it, thus indicating their union. Pressing the wounds from the thorns together allows their blood to mix, joining them as stongly as their own family blood-lines. They are now of the same flesh and blood. Exchanging the roses is symbolic of their gift of themselves to each other

The significance of the chain:

The chain is a series of links that represent all the events that have led them to be joined. Each one interlocks with another to complete the chain. Passing it through the flame symbolizes the purification of all the events in their time together as well as their pasts. All bad things are burned away into forgetfulness and only the good remains. Wrapping the chain around them gives a visual image of the binding together of two souls into one. This chain is never used for anything again, other than in a similar ceremony by the person who receives this chain as a gift. They are often passed down for decades or even centuries and are honored by those fortunate enough to receive such a gift.

The significance of the petals:

The mixture of the petals signifies the mixing and blending of their lives. Couples often keep them in a decorative jar, once the petals have dried completely. Upon death, a portion of those petals are placed with the body to show a bond that will extend beyond the grave. Many legends are told of roses that have sprung up on the graves of couples who have loved so strongly during their physical lifetime that even in death they sent back evidence of their everlasting love in the form of roses that bloom again on the graves.

Protector or Predator?

2010-02-06T14:29:00.000-08:00

Debunking the Myth

Protector or Predator?
What are they? What role do they fill? Are you being had?
by Lord Colm and jade

The D/s community has long acknowledged the need for mentors and with the sudden explosion in the numbers of people interested in our lifestyle, that need has grown dramatically. Novices need the support and assistance of those members of the community who have wisdom and experience on a practical level to help them develop in a healthy and well-balanced manner. The chat channels have been a spawning ground for a whole new generation of mentors who may not be fulfilling the role in an honorable way. How does a submissive learn to sort them out if she/he is not getting the right information to begin with? In this article we will shed a little light on mentors and how they can help or hinder a new submissive grow into their full potential

Lord Colm's View

There's quite a fad sweeping the D/s community these days. If you spend any time in chat, you have probably seen it: Dominants offering to "mentor novice submissives in their first steps into this lifestyle. Sounds reasonable enough. After all, it is a long-standing tradition in the community for those with experience to take fledglings under their wing to guide them into the often confusing world of D/s. The problem, however, stems from the fact that very few of these so-called "mentors have any real-life experience and even fewer have an inkling of what the responsibility of mentoring actually entails.

Facing Facts
Let's start off with the basics. In the long history of this lifestyle, lessons have been learned by our predecessors from which we can benefit. They learned that when it comes to the relationship between two people in what is a very erotic lifestyle, certain boundaries needed to be established to protect both the Dominant and the submissive from the uneducated, the unscrupulous, and the just plain horny. Dominants, face it: as much as we love the mystique, we don't know everything, and pretending to can only lead to disaster. We weren't born with the knowledge of how to be a dom, so let's take a look at some of what our brothers and sisters before us have learned.

I will preface this by saying that I do understand the intense attraction a dominant may feel towards a novice submissive. We enjoy our role as teacher, and we take great pleasure in watching someone under our tutelage grow and overcome barriers. As the submissive offers herself to our mentorship, we often experience feelings that we thrive on, stimulated by a power exchange. That can be very intoxicating. I suggest, however, that it takes a stronger dominant to understand his or her own limitations and to be able to resist the emotional appeal of taking on the responsibility for another person's growth when you are not equipped to do so. I have a fundamental objection to those with no real-life experience setting themselves up in a position of learned teacher. It's rather like reading a book on brain surgery one day, then advertising yourself as a neurosurgeon the next. Until you have actually practiced and honed your skills in real-life situations, you can't really know what it is like. Reading The Story of O and spending time in chat channels does not qualify you as a mentor.

Muddy Waters
A "mentor" and a "trainer" are not the same thing. While the terms may seem like synonyms, in our lifestyle they are two completely different roles, each with different responsibilities. The mentor's job is to guide novices in understanding the concepts of D/s, to answer their questions, to help them come to terms with internal conflicts and embrace their submissiveness. It is not a mentor's function to teach the submissive how to have sex. Most submissives already know how to do that just fine. The relationship of the mentor to the charge (the term for the submissive under mentorship) is more like that of the wise uncle or teacher. Mentors listen, understand, and answer questions on the tenants of D/s.

Trainers prepare submissives for their future master. They provide a wide variety of tasks and experiences so that they have a broad understanding of etiquette and knowledge of the common traditions and tools of our lifestyle. They offer them a base of experiences to feel comfortable in their role in the lifestyle. A trainer may also be called upon by a submissive's master to provide instruction in some task that the master is unqualified to train. For example, the Japanese Tea Ceremony, or some other highly stylized ritual or duty the master wishes the submissive to be able to perform. The trainer works hand-in-hand with the sub's master and does not serve as a replacement. The master oversees the training to ensure the sub's safety and progress.

Get Off Your Duff
I often see dominants farming out their submissive to another person simply because they are too lazy to learn for themselves first. This is a fundamental error. First and foremost, it is the dominant's responsibility to train her or his sub. If the dominant lacks a skill or certain knowledge, then it is his or her moral obligation to get off the couch and learn it, either in conjunction with the sub, or to master it first. I can't help but wonder what it must do to a sub's respect for his or her master when that master fails to live up to his or her role and instead packs off the sub to another person simply because the dominant lacks the drive to learn. This also sets up an imbalance of power. While the sub's master sits at home watching football, the sub is learning, growing, surpassing her master's level of maturity. What is the sub then to do? Come back and teach the dom? If he's teachable, he should be the one learning first.

There is a strong probability that the submissive will bond with the mentor. This emotional attachment can easily be mistaken for romantic love. The sub may tend to idealize the mentor, and this presents dangers which you must constantly be on guard for. It is the mentor's responsibility to ensure that the nature of the relationship is clearly stated up front: Teacher/student, not master/submissive. The greatest failing of so-called mentors is that they are not in control of themselves and their emotions, and so let things deteriorate. The lines between their role as mentor and master becoming blurred. One common mistake is in how they insist their charge address them. The sub should refer to the mentor as "Sir,not "Master.Why? Because the mentor is clearly not the sub's master. The mentor is only an advisor. The sub's master will be someone to whom his or her life will be devoted, someone to love body and soul. A student does not do that with his or her English professor, nor should a sub do so with a mentor. Keep things in perspective: you are there to offer advice only--never fail to make sure your charge understands this.

Keep your hands off. If you are unable to control your own sexual urges, you have not yet learned what it takes to be a dominant, let alone a mentor. Any physical relationship between charge and mentor is a serious ethical problem. It is an abuse of your power, the trust the sub has placed in you, and a virtual guarantee that your sub will become attached to you emotionally in ways that are detrimental to her or his growth. Human nature being what it is, there is always the possibility that what starts out as a platonic relationship can evolve into something deeper. This is why mentors should not take responsibility for a sub who has a master without clear prior negotiation with the sub's master, along with frequent contact to provide progress updates.

Never, ever do this without a sub's master being involved if they have one. We've seen more than one relationship destroyed from this type of sneaking around. It devastates trust and leads to jealousy. A married sub is to be treated as if she or he is owned, even if the spouse is not involved in the lifestyle. Encouraging infidelity brings into serious question your honor, and a sub who will cheat on a spouse is a sub who will cheat on you. If you see that your relationship with your charge is evolving in an inappropriate direction, take steps immediately to reinforce the boundaries. Have the courage to terminate the arrangement if your efforts are unsuccessful. Avoid actions that could mislead your charge into believing there is more to your relationship than there really is.
It's A Big Job

Dominants, the role of mentor is one of enormous responsibility. It is incumbent upon you to first make sure you are ready--you have the practical experience to be in a position to guide, and this usually means several years of real-life experience, not two months of cyberdomming. If you are looking for a submissive, pretending to be a mentor in order to gain control over another is just plain wrong and deceitful. Novice submissives can be likened to innocent children in that they are not wise to the realities of life. To abuse that naiveté is tantamount to child sexual abuse, and nearly as despicable.

In this age of "whatever you say is D/s, is D/s,I hope I've shed some light on what seems to be a very confusing topic for many in our community. The lines between master, mentor, protector, and trainer are often unclear, even to the one who claims to be such. Information is power, and in a lifestyle based on the exchange of power, the more you have to give, the greater your chances of fulfillment and happiness.

jade's View

I know the overwhelming urges that battle against the mind and heart of a novice submissive. The hunger for knowledge is insatiable at times and the need to fill the pit that has opened up in your soul can devour your every waking moment. After years of struggling to discover your true identity, you want to know everything and know it NOW. A new world has opened up before your eyes and you cannot wait to taste of the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge.
This is likely to be the most vulnerable time in your adult life. You are uninformed, eager, longing and excited to learn all you can. You feel akin to everyone in the lifestyle because you have discovered there are others in the world who are like you. Like a speckled puppy who just slipped out the backdoor, you are experiencing freedom for the first time. Everything you see is a new adventure and you dive in with gusto. This euphoria soon turns into loneliness and fear as you realize you are on your own for the first time in a new world you don't quite understand. Just like that puppy, you run innocently to the first kind voice you hear. Sometimes it's a kindly person who pets your head and leads you safely home. You were lucky this time. The next time it might be the dog catcher who will not be so compassionate.

Finding the Tree of Knowledge
In order to survive in this new world, you need information. Finding it is easy. Everyone will be happy to give you all the information they have. Finding GOOD information is a different story. The facts can be a little frightening but you need to know the truth. Probably close to 90% of the people you meet online in BDSM or D/s channels or rooms are not experienced in the real life world of a power exchange lifestyle. Oh yes, they will tell you that they have been in the lifestyle for 20 years, they have owned 50 slaves and they're past president of the local Dom/sub Union, but 90% or more are lying to you and everyone else they meet. The information they so willing pass on is warped or untested. What sounds good in a cyber fantasy doesn't hold true in a real life encounter. Of the other 10% you meet online who do have real life experience, probably half of them are only acquainted with the physical aspects of the lifestyle and got most of their information from other players at some play party.

Where does this leave you, the novice, in your quest for knowledge? It leaves you confused and frustrated, in most cases, so is it any wonder that you are willing to jump at the chance to accept an offer from this nice Dom who just told you he is a mentor? Keep in mind that Eve was seduced by the Serpent with his offer of knowledge.
Mentor: Webster's definition is a wise advisor, teacher or coach. In the BDSM formal lifestyle, a mentor is usually one who answers the questions of a sub in training. A mentor is usually used hand-in-hand with a trainer where the mentor is usually the friend/confidant of the sub/slave/student

A quote from Master John. Trained Master from a Euro-Oriental Family
Avoiding the Serpent
A Mentor can be just the thing you need, provided he really is one. In the lifestyle, a Mentor is the equivalent of a teacher. His/Her job is to provide you with accurate information and answer the questions you have as you move along the path you are traveling. A mentor is someone who can be trusted to guide you when you are lost, serve as a role model, and offer you assistance when you run into difficulty. A mentor is not your master, although your Master could be called upon to serve as your mentor. In the most narrow definition, a mentor, serves as a guidance counselor, educator, respected friend and confidant. In some ways, they are like Uncles or Aunts who oversee your growth, try to help you avoid the pitfalls of life and stick a Band-Aid on your skinned knees. They are not lovers, sex education teachers, or gods. A mentor does not even have to be a dominant, although most of them you find are.

If you have a Mentor who is requesting sexual favors or taking control of your life, you have discovered a serpent in the Garden of Eden. Mentors do not usually have any physical contact with their charges. This includes all the physical activities, such as spanking, bondage and fondling as well as sexual contact. A mentor is not a trainer and does not have given rights to your personal or intimate thoughts or details of your private times. A mentor does not collar you or mark you as belonging to them. As a submissive, you have the right to sever any and all connections with a mentor without hesitation or explanation. They have no claim to you and you are free to make your own choices without fear of reprisal. Do be aware that a mentor has these same rights and may dissolve any association with you should they feel the relationship is unsatisfactory, for whatever reason.

A Mini Checklist
Accepting assistance from a mentor needs some careful consideration. You will depending on them to provide you with realistic, honest information and guidance. Here are some guidelines that might keep you from ending up with a snake in your underwear.

2010-02-06T14:05:00.001-08:00

Punishment - Must it always be so physical?©

by
Lord Colm
Few topics in the BDSM world generate as much debate as does the issue of punishment. Whatever form it takes, it is an integral part of every D/s relationship, and is the source of much misunderstanding.
What is Punishment?

Before I continue, I need to clarify. It's important to understand one fundamental thing about punishment. By it's nature, it is something that is not enjoyable. It is unwelcome, to be avoided, and acts as negative motivation ("I'll not do this because if I do, something I don't like will happen to me.")

Many novices confuse "punishment" for something that is erotic and enjoyable: A spanking, a flogging--something desirable. I'll state this categorically: It is not. I am speaking about punishment for actual misbehavior outside the erotic context, not that wonderful "naughty school-girl/Head master" scene we love so much. Punishment is not play.

Punishment is meant for one reason only: To alter behavior. It is a useful and necessary tool, and exists in some form in every close relationship we have. With it, dominants can teach submissives how to behave and help submissives modify their behavior to better please.

There is only one fundamental offense: displeasing the dominant. Failing to do so or intentionally displeasing the dominant is grounds for punishment, and it is the dominant alone who makes the decision as to whether or not the submissive has been pleasing.

Punishment can take many forms--from a disapproving look to a beating--and is limited only by your imagination and how well you know your submissive. From my interactions with those in the scene, though, physical (corporal) punishment seems to be the most pervasive.
So What's Wrong With That?

Is there too much corporal punishment in the scene? I believe so. It is the easy way out for many dominants. Often it is a reaction, rather than something that is considered. It takes much more effort to come up with a non-physical method of correction. Many of us were brought up with corporal punishment, learning that misbehavior should lead to physical pain. Those social influences can be very powerful. In the long run, however, physical punishment is usually the least effective way to alter behavior.

Jay Wiseman writes in SM101, A Realistic Introduction:

"I firmly believe that the dominant should not slap, spank, paddle, bind, confine, or otherwise perform any common BDSM act on a sub as punishment. We are trying to create positive, erotic connections with these activities. Let's reserve them for that area alone and not cloud the connections. I also firmly believe that a dominant should never slap, punch, kick, or otherwise touch a submissive in anger.

"Punishment often involves pain and many submissives enjoy pain. Indeed, some will manipulate deliberately so they can be "punished." This is why I strongly recommend that pain not be used as punishment."
(SM101, A Realistic Introduction, p. 274)

So let's work backwards one step. Ultimately, the goal is never to have to punish the submissive. Given their 'druthers, most subs would really rather not disappoint or disobey. Most dominants would prefer that they didn't, as well. From that premise, you can prevent a great deal of misbehavior by positively reinforcing the things you desire, rewarding the types of behaviors that you wish your submissive to repeat. This sends a clear message: I like this! Do it more!

We all know, however, that submissives are not perfect and the time will come when she or he displeases you. In these cases, the dominant must take action. Failing to do so teaches a submissive that he or she can get away with unacceptable behavior--that you are not serious about your limits or rules. As unpleasant as it is for us to punish the ones we love, it is part and parcel to being a dominant. What we often fail to do, however, is to consider intent. An honest mistake should generally be treated more lightly than outright disobedience. And just how fair would it be to punish for something a submissive does when you had not taken the time beforehand to properly instruct him or her on how to act properly?
Alternatives

If not corporal punishment, then what? First, whatever the punishment, it must fit the offense. Being too hard or too lenient are equally counter-productive. Use only the degree of punishment needed to achieve the desired results: behavior change. Something you should know is that merely learning that they've displeased is all the punishment many submissives are likely to need. Often, you need only point out how to please you and your submissive will make the desired change. The emotional pain your submissive may feel as a result of disappointing you is very often much harsher and more effective than anything you could reasonably come up with.

One alternative to corporal punishment is withdrawal. In this case, when faced with displeasing behavior the dominant stops the activity, points out the error, and by some means deprives the submissive of the dominant's presence. It is critically important, however, that the lenght of that time should be clearly stated. Without doing so, the submissive may be left wondering if you will ever return, if you have abandoned them. It risks, at the least, an erosion of trust and possibly worse: emotional trauma. Such physical separation can have a tremendous impact on a submissive, so use it very carefully.

Another alternative, and the one I most often use, is introspection. I make known to my submissive that she has failed to please me, encourage her to discover what she did, and then provide her the tools to overcome that behavior. It is vital that the submissive, if at all possible, search for and find the behavior that was displeasing. This can be very effective in helping the sub take the lesson to heart; much more so than a smack from the crop.

Physical pain doesn't encourage. It only sets up an association between a particular behavior and a painful consequence. The tools I provide are something that she can carry with her, physically or mentally, and apply to a variety of situations when needed. The old adage of "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him how to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime" comes to mind. Corporal punishment is the fish, introspection is the teaching to fish.

As an example, we have posted a page on our website called "The Shoe Box, A Master's Gift." It demonstrates from real-life circumstances how alternatives to physical punishment can be constructively used. This article is one of an infinite number of alternatives to corporal punishment.
Is Physical Punishment Ever Acceptable?

In limited situations, yes. If the submissive raises the issue on his or her own, expresses a need to be physically punished as part of the healing process, then, perhaps, it would be acceptable. It is often true that the sub would rather endure physical pain than the emotional pain of your disapproval or withdrawal. If this is the case, use it wisely. Ultimately, what form the punishment takes is your choice to make as the dominant.

Combining elements of correction from several methods can also be effective. For example, if the submissive violates a term of your contract, you could have the submissive kneel (physical discomfort) while reading the contract (introspection) while you move to another room (withdrawal) for a specified period of time.
Warning!

One common error you must avoid is intimate sexual contact immediately following physical punishment. No sex. Why? Because it teaches submissives that if they misbehave, they will get what exactly what they want: Pleasure.

For most dominants who are emotionally involved with a submissive, punishment is a difficult task. You may understand that it is needed, but hate to cause your beloved one pain other than in an erotic context. You may feel guilty afterwards or fear that your submissive will think you no longer care for her or him. These internal conflicts can lead you to move directly into erotic stimulation from punishment in hopes of reassuring. At first blush, that seems good, because it is important to reassure our loved ones that we don't punish because they are "bad," but because we love them enough to correct misbehavior. There must be, however, a significant pause between the two events. If in one breath you are punishing your submissive harshly with a crop and then in the next, before the sting of the last stroke subsides, you are caressing him or her erotically, what are you really teaching? You are teaching your sub that if she or he can only endure this harsh, non-erotic pain for a few minutes, pleasure will be the reward. If you continue that behavior long enough, and you may well give birth to a pain slut (which is good, if that is what you both want, but isn't good if you don't). If you find that you are sexually aroused from administering punishment, you will need to exert considerable control over yourself so that you do not unwittingly reinforce the wrong behavior.

Know, too, that the submissive will probably feel remorse for displeasing you and will want to get back on your "good side" as soon as possible. One very obvious way of pleasing you is with sex. Once again, however, you need to ensure a significant pause between punishment and gratification--yours or your submissive's. This will take tact and understanding, since most of us do not take well the refusal of our sexual advances. In addition, following punishment, the sub will likely be particularly emotionally vulnerable.
And Lastly

Ending a relationship as a form of punishment can cause severe emotional trauma to both parties, particularly the submissive. In only the most extreme cases should the relationship be terminated as a form of punishment. There may be some actions which are unforgivable. Those things should be clearly discussed early on. Don't invoke it or the threat of it casually.

Whatever method you use, remember that correction is an opportunity for you to grow closer, to try to resolve disputes and preserve the relationship. Out of it, the submissive should grow, not have his or her self-esteem destroyed. Being cruel doesn't make you a better dom, but it could very well erode the foundation of trust upon which D/s relationships must be built. Punishment is a tool of last resort. Use it carefully.

House of Dark Passion

update to the changes

House of Dark Passion Rules

finding your 'pain level'?

sadist and masochist are perfect matches ....

but how is the match if a Dominant didn't tell a sub he wants to collar that he is a sadist....truth will come out after the collaring and in the first session ...

how about a sub who desires to feel pain but when the time comes she cant handle it?

How can a true Sadist meet his match?

start of with a play session to find your 'painlevel'

On DaddyDom's and babygirls

On DaddyDom's and babygirls by Kendra

I could never find a good description but Kendra found the perfect words ....here is it ...

written by Kendra

BDSM For Those Who Are Disabled

The Dark House

How to do the G-String Tie *by John Willie.

G-string tie

All right, so what is "BDSM"?

The Development of Sadomasochism as a Cultural Style in the Twentieth-Century United States

The Christian FemDomme ???

Millie Jackson - It Hurts So Good {Lyrics}

Millie Jackson - It Hurts So Good

1950s Household or How to be a good Wife

HOW to be a Good Wife

Elements of a 1950's Household

Why I preach about Safety !!

How I met My Dream /a repost

Is there a difference between 'being a Lady ' or 'being a slut' ?

Is there a difference between 'being a Lady ' or 'being a slut' ?

BDSM Dictionary

To Tribute or not to Tribute is the question?

Kundalini Rising

Hair Bondage {LDP}

Please Me [poem by joy}

The Ceremony of the Roses by jade

Protector or Predator?

Punishment - Must it always be so physical?©

Elements of a 1950_'s Household