House Of Flying Turtles

Batman: On Shootings And Shocked Expressions.

2012-08-04T01:17:00.001-07:00

Greetings, internet. I may be a little late to commenting about the James Holmes shooting, but better late than kumquats.

That is the proper phrase, right?

Anywho, If you haven't been plugged into the news-o-sphere with a bloody cord in the back of your neck, there was a shooting in the Aurora theater in Colorado, where some crazed gunman shot up a theater during the midnight premiere of The Dark Knight Rises. It was a crowded theater, and there were 13 casualties and 52 wounded. Talk about a harsh reception, am I right guys?

Hello? Is this mike even on?

First of all, I'd like to talk about James's choice. Talking from a strategic point of view, he did well, blocking the exits and whatnot. From a humanitarian point of view, shame on him. Well he chose the right time, because, well look, it was the Batman premiere. It ensured that the crowds were gunning for the seats.

If you thought that was a bad joke, you've got much more to deal with. Eyewitness reports describe that Holmes waited about 20 minutes after the movie started, and the audience was initially confused because they thought the gunfire was coming from the film. Looks like the movie really blew them away. I originally didn't want to check it out, but I heard it was worth a shot. It did well financially too, because it made a killing in the box offices. I think I'm just gonna wait until the crowds die down first.

Well, I guess that's it. I can show myself out.

The Hunger Gaems Movie Review Part 2.

2012-03-27T16:52:00.001-07:00

Tere is no real part two of my previous review. I just wanted to add a slight amount of suspense to this dull, mundane, monochrome blog. But here, for all your troubles, for all your hard work by clicking on this blog, have some beansies.

Movie Review: The Hunger Games, Part 1

2012-03-25T01:16:00.001-07:00

Just yesterday, I had the spectacular (mis-)fortune of watching the movie adaption of the Hunger Games.

LOOK AT THIS. SHE ISN'T EVEN HOLDING THE DAMN THING PROPERLY.

I am willing to be honest with people, I was watching the movie with my 'cynical asshole' glasses on, so things might have been a little different for you. After I met a few friends in the lobby, we went inside, and sat front and center. During the preview of the new Twilight movie, I nearly got kicked out of hte theater for laughing my head off.

When the actual movie started, I still thought that it was a preview, because none, I mean, NONE of the actors they chose were at all similar to anything described in the book. I decided to let it slide, because why not. It was all fine and dandy until this asshole arrived.

Look at his little smug face. I JUST WANNA PUNCH HIM.

By the time the movie was only 20 minutes in, I was cracking up. The only problem is, it was the serious scene. I literally could NOT stop laughing at his bitch face. More like Just Bitcherson. Anyway, the choreography look quite obviously written by Michael Bay, and the entire film seemed to have been shot by Michael J. Fox. More on that here.

My Thoughts On Competitive Pokemon.

2012-03-11T10:00:00.002-07:00

Look, I don't need to apologize to an uncaring internet, but I will anyways. I won't make the dumb excuse of 'I have been busy with school,' because everybody does that. I actually have been busy...playing Pokemon. That's right, Pokemon. Just last week, I had my first taste of competitive pokemon, and boy, it sucked. All of my pokemon died, and some creepy guy with a goatee made fun of me for not knowing what EV training was. He recommended me this site right over here. Smogon is a place on teh internet where people go to play pokemon competitively. I checked it out for a while, then I had come to a conclusion. Smogon takes pokemon way too seriously.

The world's saddest university.

Despite the deep strategy involved in the game, Pokemon was originally created by Satoshi Tajiri with children as the main demographic, and even fourteen years later, they still are. Nintendo rates those children that beg and scream at their parents for the new amee as better customers than those who actually care about strategy. In conclusion, this guy.

Valentines Day Food Chain.

2012-02-15T12:30:00.001-08:00

Well, valentines day just happened. I don't really know now to describe it in fancy words, so, it was... mundane. I will explain this in the easiest format possible.

First of all, you got the deep-in-love couple sitting in the corner, the ones that the entire school is talking about, the ones that always use cutesy-wootsy launguage when they are around eachother.

Next, you have the popular kid group, the ones who pressure their parents into buying them really fancy chocolates and roses. This immature pack of boys roam around the school, like a wild pack of horny meerkats, giving their chocolate boxes to the girl with the biggest breasts.


Like this, but with scraggly mustaches and doused in axe body spray.

After that, you have the possibly-insane girls who talk too much about their possibly non-existent boyfriends. This species is also identifiable by the fact taht they are carrying large presents half their size, for example, large teddy bears.

On the bottom of this metaphorical scale, you have the awkward kids who are always complaining about how alone they are. The sad thing is, this is the majority of my school. These sad creatures are hte ones shouting "OH GOD IM SO FOREVER ALONE!" What really pisses me off is how they use the term in a trifling matter. Its only middle school. Leave that title for the 40-year old virgins living in their mother's basements.

Well, thats all folks. If I missed anybody out, tell me in the comments!

Comment. NAO.

2012-02-10T23:24:00.000-08:00

Hey guys. Midnight on a Friday night, and I have not done anything of remote interest. Well, this leaves only one thing left.

Make a request for a movie, any movie, from Superbabies 2 to The Shining, I will watch it, and I will review it. People like my reviews, right?

To make up for your time, here.

The Creepiest. Game. Ever.

2012-02-10T20:22:00.000-08:00

Holy shit, guys. The game I just played... its friggin scary. I am still, still shaking. Someone help me. It has been a whole half-hour, I am still freaking out.

You start off with no instructions, no backstory, and no intro. You're thrown headfirst into the game, once you start. The first thing you see is a corridor. You're in a corridor with glowing blue walls and a pitch black floor. Your only source of light is the walls, that glow a sicky blue.

Your character is some sort of mad cannibal that you can barely control. You are only able to force him to turn corners in this creepy maze of hallways. He seems to grab everything he sees and eats it.; whatever is hrown in front of him he gobbles up and munches it down.

While traversing this asylum, you are chased by four different, hideous, and fucking SCARY monsters. well, they were more like ghosts than monsters. You cannot hurt them AT ALL, and letting them catch up to you is instant death, in which the ghost-monster latches onto you and rips your insides all, apart. The worst part is, you can hear your own guts being torn apart. Crazy shit.

You can, however, eat some crasy objects lying hidden in the maze, and after you eat then, your charactetr, which hs already a psychopath, goes even crazier, like an LSD trip turned awry. Once you eat these pills, you can literally EAT the ghosts. Your character just runs up to them and devours them whole, witht eh whole "exxtended jawline" type thing. The wierdest part is, you leave their eyes.

There are little to no words to describe this game, other than ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING. I don't want to spoil it for you, so if you can name the game, write it down in the comments!

Yup.

Apologies.

2012-02-07T10:47:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven;t been blogging in a while. Been busy with mundane stuff. To make up for it, here, a baby seal.


JUST LOOK AT IT

North Korea. The lolsy country.

2012-01-25T19:14:00.000-08:00

"North Korea is kind of like a 12-year-old. It can't support itself because it spends a lot of its allowance on toys and various love letters to Kim Jong-il. And keep in mind "toys" means "weapons." They are always threatening to build a nuclear arsenal, but the world realizes this would be the point the whole North Korea thing would stop being funny."-Cracked on North Korea.

Read more: 6 Reasons North Korea is the Funniest Evil Dictatorship Ever over here.

Cracked.com is my sole repository of information, and is what has provided all of my snarkiness, and has made me lose all faith in humanity. Good stuff.

Just in case you want to join the North Korean fan club, get over here.

Glenn Beck Fayul.

2012-01-25T15:59:00.000-08:00

Well, in this video here, the extremely right-wing conservative newsguy Glenn Beck thinks that anonymous is a force of justice. Even worse, he thinks he is part of anonymous. Somebody out there should take him down. Remember kids, Anonymous is not a force of good, it is a force of lulz.

Why I hate 9gag

2012-01-23T23:16:00.001-08:00

Well, I just wrote this about newfriends on the internet.

You know what? my passionate hate for 9gag has nothing to do with accrediting 4chan, more like the acting half the jokes that get reposted on these shitty tumblr and 9gags and what have you, acting like all these image macros and memes and comics are something you knew that you guys discovered and that noone else could possibly have seen before, and that they are part of some secret club of people who know about a joke that is already three years old. Do you know how long rage comics have been around? Do you know how long people have stopped using those in 4chan? But now people post then on their shitty tumblr and 9gag shits, and suddently, its like "OMG LOL this new joke thing is THE LOLS and all of us who get this, we're the cool, kids, right?

4chan was a community of people who had delved so deep into teh shittyness of internet subculture, that we defined what it all was. And it was shit, and we recognized that. We created our own community, over revelling in our little nerdy memes and in jokes. But suddently, now all our old jokes and material, and basically, our personalities and subculture has become THAT HIP NEW THING, where you see laughingelfman on a t-shirt, or when you go on some fucking hipster guy's 9gag account and he is all like "MILHOUSE IS NOT A MEME LOLOLOLOL" or someone links you to 9gag and you see a comic you saw like, two years ago, and you see people literally say "this shit is so funny, i am gonna get this on a t-shirt. everyone of my friends love these mspaint heartbreak comics."

It makes me want to scream. I hate everything about how my corner of life is being exploited, and mass produced, and torn apart so fucking hip assholes and teenagers can suddently say something like "im behind seven proxies" and know what the fuck that means. That my circle of friends is suddently becoming the hip new thing.

yesterday, i saw some sevvie, with skinny jeans and a fucking jacket ofr some lame band that he probably got from hot topic, wearing a shirt that quoted something from zero wing, and I wanted to punch him. I want to scream at him "YOU HAVENT EVEN PLAYED THAT GAME YOU DOUCHECOCK!"

We purposely made 4chan a shitty place, because it was funny, but mostly because the rest of the fucking world didnt accept who we were and are, so we carved it ourselves. We trolled people because trolling was funny, We meme'd it up because were the only people who would undestand the relevance of making a physics joke in relation to the rules of a tabletop d20 roll. Most poeple don't even get half f this shit, they just think it is funny because it is INTERNET HUMOUR.

They werent on fucking somethingawful, or 4chan, or tiny little invisionfree forums back in teh day. They dont really knowwhat is going on. But they can pretend to because shitty websites like KNOWYOURMEME can explain it to them in retard terms, and then sell it on a t-shirt for money.

IF you are not willing to be part of my culture, then you have no excuse to exploit it.

AAAAAND boom goes the dynamite.

Music level: Asian.

2012-01-22T14:37:00.000-08:00

Well, because of this guy, I now will never be able to play the violin again. But seriously, if you want to see music done Asian style, check it out here.HERE.

Jeff's movie reviews: The Fifth Element.

2012-01-22T08:17:00.000-08:00

Alright, so last night, I was re-watching one of my favorite movies, The Fifth Element. you can check it out here, or if you are not interested in that sort of thing, here.

To put it simply, The Fifth Element is Die Hard in space, except in The First Element, the enemy is literally a giant ball of death.

What roguish charm.

With such a wonderful enemy, you would expect a really awesome hero, and you have it in the form of spacecab driver John McClane, I mean, Korben Dallas, and his trippin' cat.

With heroes like this, you know we're gonna win.

So apparently, this ball made out of pure evil is going to come down to earth and totally fuck things up. To stop this from happening, they have to put some stones somewhere and something or other. Yeah, I wasn't really paying attention. Then, this guy comes up.

Wow. Even now, I am confused as to what that abomination on his head is, is it like a hat? a fez? Whatever. Now this guy wants moolah, so he gives a call to the death ball, yes, he calls this giant ball of death. Is there service in space? What kind of self-respecting ball of death has a cell phone? Anyway, he has to steal the stones to get money. This baffles me the most. Why is this guy trying to help the giant ball of death that is poised to destroy everything everyone has ever known, including him? perfect logic, really.

Then to please the erst of the male audience, they put Milla Jovovitch in clothes like this.

And then Bruce Willis blows things up. And Chris Tucker happens. Nuff' said.

The Special Olympics, part 2 of 2

2012-01-20T17:00:00.000-08:00

Well, if you read my previous post, I will continue to describe the republican debate in a way that that the normal middle schooler will understand. On an unrelated note, it has been proven that the average high school graduate has the reading level of a seventh grader. I left off my last post after describing the first two candidates, and with the help of a vomit bucket and a used ummbrella, I will finish describing the otehr two.

Next up in this clown show is this old fool.

Yup. The guy that looks like the protagonist of crankshaft could be our next president.

This grandpa here, his name is Newt Gingritch, is the second most liked candidate in the race. First of all, I do not want a president named after a lizard. Or an amphibian. Except Iguana Jones. He would get all of my votes. all of them. You know what? I am not even going to describe him in full detail. for that, go here.

And last but most radical, here is this guy.

His ears make me laugh.

I have run out of witty things to say, so let me just fill you in. He strictly believes that the original constitution, written now nearly two hundred and forty years ago, should be followed to the exact letter. He is very conservative, and believes in staying out of things that aren't his problem, he thinks global warming is a hoax, he thinks that church and state should not separate, and he looks like Magneto.

What an uncanny resemblance.

Well, that is all I can write before my mind becomes permanently dulled. If you think that I made any mistakes, feel free to mock me in the comments section below. Enjoy your day, and if you name happens to be Hunter Vasey, I hope an asteroid travels across space and hits you in the balls while you are sleeping.

The Special Olympics, part 1 of 2

2012-01-19T19:09:00.000-08:00

Well, I am currently watching the republican debates, formerly known as the special Olympics, and boy, it just made me feel much smarter by relativity. Before I go on, some of you might have no clue what this whole "politics" thing is all about, let me fill you in. I only have the motivation to talk about the douche-balloons who are still in the race.

First of all, you have this arsewipe here.

Oh my god, just look at his face. He looks like he always need to fart.

First in the posse of apocalyptic horsemen is Mr. Rick Santorum. This horrible man agrees with SOPA. That's right. Sic' em, boys. Intertubes asides, Rick is actually the youngest competitor, and he started late. On a completely different note, the word "Santorum' is actually a really dirty term, and if I post the meaning here, I could potentially get banned. So, I will just leave this here. Be warned.

Next in this pantheon is that one guy named Mitt Romney, god of being normal.

Oh. Yet another white male. How surprising.

This candidate's only driving force and only real argumentative tactic is that he is normal. Your average Joe, Per Se. In every argument, ranging from healthcare to illegal immigration, his answer always goes along the lines of "I know what the average American feels like, I come from a middle class family in Detroit, and my father was a car dealer." Oh. Stop flaunting that fact. Nobody cares. I could rant more, but my internet addiction is paying back. What a bitch karma is.

If I made any mistakes, please let me know.

P.S. In the last week of no school, I have watched three seasons of Family Guy, two seasons of Star Wars: The Clone Wars, three Stanley Kubrick movies, and Every episode of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.

'Night.

Jeff's movie reviews: MI: Ghost Protocol

2012-01-19T03:08:00.000-08:00

Well, a bunch of acquaintances from my education center (the word "school" is too mainstream) encouraged me with brass knuckles to reviews the recent motion picture Mission Impossible 4. I am writing this as I am watching it. First of all, as the opening credits trasitionize really smoothly, but due to my prolonged exposure to the internet, I still cannot believe that a fuse can burn underwater. Another trifling issue that came to mind was how if this is the fourth Mission Impossible movie, then it has been proven, several times, that the entire writing staff either exaggerates too much or has really, really bad perception.

After Tom Cruise royally screwed over the entire nation of Russia by destroying the Kremlin, I had instantly lost all suspension of disbelief, like the was I first felt when I was told "hey dude, does this whole religion thing make any sense to you?" Anyway, it was clear to see who was the real hero.

Yup. this guy. right overt here. Mr. Sean of the dead over here.

You know what, they should have just called the movie "Simon Pegg is kicking ass and taking names" because it would feel a lot more honest. It was cool when Tom Cruise kinda saved the entire nation of america from a bomb, and the rest of the civilized world from one giant clusterfuck, but Simon Pegg really takes the cake on this one.

The portrait of a beautiful man.

My Thoughts On SOPA

2012-01-18T07:57:00.000-08:00

I have always wondered what life would be like, living in an Orwell-style censored dystopian future. Now, with the looming threat of SOPA, I can finally live the dream. Even though most of the internet has the driving passion to completely obliterate the bill, most people have no clue what it is. Today, Google, Wkipedia, Reddit, and a slew of other websites are blacking out in protest of SOPA.

https://www.google.com/landing/takeaction/

I think it is no coincidence that three days before this mass protest, SOPA mysteriously decides do die. To wither away to oblivion. All was well, and the Ewoks were cheering and playing festive music. Even though it pains me to use a cliched term, our troubles are far from over. First of all, we have SOPA's retard brother on 'roids PIPA charging at us, and he is actually much more dangerous. Like a mentally challenged sibling, PIPA is almost identical, but god help you if you inspire its wrath.

Second of all, SOPA isn't really dead. Like Spock in Star Trek II, like Indy in The Last Crusade, and like Jesus in The Bible, It is alive. And like Arnold, it will be back. You see, it never really died in the first place. It has been shelved by the senate. This means that SOPA will return... by february. I think that the senate is pulling off this douchebag move because there is a certain limit to how long someone can protest. In my opinion, the senate scumbags are trying to wait us out.

I predict that by the time february rolls around, SOPA will rear its ugly head for the second time. To compensate for you having to read my mindjess jabber, take this picture of a dog.

Damn, Chardee. You be lookin' flyyyyyy.

Disney, look how you've grown!

2012-01-17T23:59:00.000-08:00

Well, After my many perilous journeys on the "weird" part of the internet, I have come up with something truly confusing. Not the feeling of disgusted shock when one of my less nice acquaintances sends me a link to a shock site, or that vomit-inducing feel of r/Spacedicks. Before I move on, let me express my sincere apologies for showing you that accursed site. Anyway, this picture left me with a very beguiled brain and a very baffled boner.

Quadruple alliteration!

This picture manages to take the brightest points of my childhood and merge them with the brightest points of my teenage years. On an unrelated note, Wouldn't you think that the extremely alluring teenage Boo should me hanging with a balding, middle-aged Sully? OH GOD. One idea led to another, and now images of blue-furred bestiality are etched into my skull.

If you liked this picture, check out some other of the artist's works at

http://atombasher.deviantart.com/

This guy can stare into my soul and rape it.

2012-01-17T20:52:00.000-08:00

Wow. Simply wow. I just finished watching the first part of full metal jacket. No wonder why everyone keeps telling my that I shouldn't watch A Clockwork Orange. Stanley Kubrick is a mad genius. Somewhat like Tim Burton, but with a little hint of FUCKING PSYCHOTIC.

When you look at it, he looks like Zach Galifianakis.
But with more rapeface.

Well, that's all I have to say about that.

Life, Liberty And The Pursuit Of Comfy.

2012-01-17T17:31:00.000-08:00

After spending my day walking outside in the snow, I have finally returned to my small, warm abode. That feeling of warm, comfortable bliss, putting on an entire season of south park on your laptop with one hand and throwing your other hand down your pants. It isn't the small things in life that matter, it is the comfy. As my manly, dead uncle once said, "any fool can be uncomfortable, but it takes a real man to be comfy." God rest his poor, Rhinoceros-trodden soul. I mean, no wonder 4Chan holds being comfortable as one of its highest values.

Right now, I view this guy in a higher perspective than Jesus.

In conclusion, I would kill and eat numerous amounts of small children for a blanket. I despise myself for taking the time to take my arms out from under the covers to write this.

Star wars, brain slugs, and well, more brain slugs.

2012-01-16T17:56:00.000-08:00

I know it might seem kind of childish of me, but earlier, I was recently watching star wars the clone wars. If anybody asks me, it is because I want to see what stupid things Georgie-boy has done to the show, but in reality, I think it is fucking awesome show. In my opinion, the peak of the series was season two. Specifically, episodes Weapons factory, Legacy of terror, and Brain invaders. these three episodes were what actually got me back into the star wars fanbase. In the Legacy of terror episode, the one scene with the zombie geonosians was actually not bad.

Because that's some scary shit.

I must say, George, :notbad:

Apart from the fact that I cannot buy this, I am pretty satisfied. Oh, and also, if anybody of high power is reading this, kill Jar-jar. In fact, just wipe out the Gungans. No, just nuke Naboo. Put that bitch Amidala in her place.

Schools around the world

2012-01-16T06:58:00.000-08:00

Today, I have tried and failed to bring my friends together to start a band. After careful deliberation, I have realized that everybody in high school is only focused on achieving high grades and getting laid. In every high school movie I have seen that wasn't on the Disney channel, those two objectives and getting popular were all that is good about high school.

pictured above - raunchy, wild orgy-style chemistry study groups.

In the high school movies that are "child friendly," the screen shows teenagers doing something unique and really inspiring. what a load of bullshit.

I know that I am stereotyping here, that the rest of the world is pretty different. but from the American cable television perspective, Asian high school students are horribly obsessive, and European teenagers are just reazing and getting wasted. also, there are no high schools in Africa. racism aside, it seems that American high schools are deriving from both stereotypes, with an equal focus on partying and studying. The best of both worlds. but with not enough of each thing, there is no focus. Aaaand, those are my two cents on the subject.

user submissions!

2012-01-15T13:50:00.001-08:00

I have decided to include the community in my rants. Send me a page with a topic to rant about.

Cher and the apocolypse

2012-01-15T13:29:00.001-08:00

To whomever gave me my first two pageviews, you shall forever remain in my heart. you are the instigatots of my diabolical plan, and when the world is in ruins and you are all rats sifting in the rubble, you know who to thanks. those two people who just happened onto my site. Hunt them down, and eat them. better yet, Hunt them down, make them listen to cher, and then eat them. Or would that be a bit too sadistic?

9gag. LOLWUT

2012-01-15T12:41:00.001-08:00

If anybody is listening, which I doubt nobody is, what si the whole deal with 9gag? I mean, seriously. why do they get all the mainstream attention just fur being the back end of the human centipede of the itnernet? lets discuss, shall we?