Last week Katie asked me a series of questions during Car Chronicles, prompted by her finishing the book The Power of Habit. We were using it as an opportunity to share information with listeners that would help them free themselves of a bad habit or incorporate a new good habit into their lives.

Using myself as a case study, so Katie could apply the three elements of a Habit Loop (Cue, Routine, Reward), I shared a habit I wished I could break.

I confessed that I wished I could stop eating a small sweet treat after most every lunch and dinner. I’ve allowed the habit to become a post-meal ritual and it doesn’t serve me well.

Katie helped me establish that the Cue – the thing that triggers my habit – is finishing a meal. The Routine most often is opening my freezer and indulging in a small square of frozen chocolate.

The Reward is where I had work to do. Katie challenged me to think about what Reward I was receiving by eating chocolate.

The Reward can’t be feeling good about myself, because even while I am eating the chocolate I am beating myself up for having a total lack of discipline.

It isn’t sharing a moment with someone else. I almost always eat it alone.

It isn’t health benefits. Most of the time my candy bar of choice isn’t dark chocolate and, even if it were, the health benefits of twice daily are questionable.

The more I thought about it, the Reward that kept coming to mind was

TIME.

Stay with me to understand.

I already know that two things I value are achievement and productivity, but what I hadn’t considered is how those attributes might influence my micro-decisions. I consider micro decisions tiny behaviors we do unknowingly to fill space. Using the word “ummm” or “like” is an example of a micro decision someone might make when nervous about speaking in public.

For me, heading to the freezer is a micro decision. The senseless act buys me one or two more minutes before transitioning out of my meal and back into the next thing on my to-do list. Think of it as equivalent to an athlete’s pre-game ritual.

Sound crazy? Maybe, but for me a lightbulb went off.

Self-awareness is just that, knowledge of self. It doesn’t matter if a single other person understands how chocolate from the freezer could be buy me anything other than bigger hips. Katie’s questions, coupled with my own self-awareness, has helped me understand the dynamics involved in keeping my habit loop going.

That’s the power of self-awareness. When applied to our lives, the insights we gain serve as skeleton keys to doors of opportunity. They unlock new possibilities that lead to greater happiness and fulfillment. Turn your own key. What’s a habit you would like to lose? How can something you know about yourself help explain what Reward you might currently be gaining by doing it?

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At House of Shine we spend a lot of time talking about being aware of our Strengths, so we can design lives that allow us to use them daily. One irony to understanding Strengths, though, is that they come to us naturally and that can make spotting Strengths hard to do.

Planning and organizing projects is fun for me, but as a young person I would never have thought to identify myself as Strategic. Once I understood the attribute then I could get busy building a life around finding opportunities to do a lot of it.

My husband is naturally confident and, while I am sure he’s run into his fair share of people who have called him “arrogant” or “cocky”, he might never have assigned himself the attribute of being Self-Assured. And it stands to reason that if he has never explicitly thought of himself as Self-Assured then he’s probably never thought about all the ways this attribute serves him.

My youngest son, Jack, was on safari with us for the past couple of weeks and one of our guides repeatedly commented on his innate ability to identify and frame interesting pictures. The guide himself was a professional photographer, so his observations of Jack allowed Jack (and me) to see a talent that might otherwise have gone unnoticed.

One final example.

Many years ago, while working in higher education, I read an article underscoring the importance of using the label “leader” when introducing involved students to other faculty and staff on campus . The article asserted it might be the very first time many of these students have ever had the word “leader” assigned to them and hearing it could help these students see themselves in a new light.

I did that one fall day at Bellarmine University while standing in the hallway talking to the University President and Vice President for Student Affairs. The student I was introducing them to was Katie Kolkmeier. She was a first-year student, a little homesick, and the newly appointed student chair of our Family Weekend events. Fifteen years later and now an integral part of House of Shine’s team, Katie is a shining example of what it means to know and use your strengths.

How can you help someone you love become more self-aware of his or her talents or strengths? Consider being generous today and complimenting someone for an attribute you observe in them. It might just be the first time someone’s ever pointed it before and the gift of awareness is one of the greatest gift you can give.

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I was reminded of this over the summer when my family and I were lucky enough to go on safari with Gabriel, our Guide.

For two weeks, Gabriel peeked our curiosity with his breadth and depth of knowledge about everything from the topography of Africa to the intricate relationships between animal life, and current events ranging from politics to conservation concerns.

We were expertly guided through Tanzania to witness big and awesome sights like the great migration of Wildebeests and Zebras and, at the same time, challenged to sit patiently while miracles of nature unfolded before our very eyes. One of my favorites was the early morning hours we spent creeping along in our safari vehicle to witness whether two male lion cubs could escape falling prey to something higher on the food chain or be reunited with their mother by following her scent. Two hours and more than two circuitous kilometers later, we broke out in cheers when, in a Lion King-moment, the lioness was spotted high-up on a rock watching her cubs approach.

Only an expert like Gabriel could have known how to usher us through those early morning hours and facilitate an experience we’ll remember for the rest of our lives.

Ironically, it was a middle school experience of his own that convinced Gabriel he wanted to be a Guide. His seventh grade class was afforded an overnight safari and, in a twist of fate, their school bus broke down. Students were divided up and placed in smaller safari vehicles with guides of their own. That one-day experience was memorable and invigorating enough to flip a switch in Gabriel’s mind.

Experiences can be guideposts, leading us towards future opportunities where our talents and interests converge with a need in the world. At House of Shine we call that your Point of Intersection (POI). Gabriel’s middle school experience was enough to help him find his POI and because he did, he is, in turn, creating unforgettable experiences for droves of other people.

I particularly love Gabriel’s story, because our non-profit also focuses on middle schoolers. We facilitate experiences that will raise their self-awareness and confidence so they, too, can eventually find their POI. Our offerings might not be a safari, but the exploration is every bit as thrilling.

If you want to know more, we’re happy to Guide you through it. Just reach out at info@houseofshine.com

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“I had always been passionate about planning and throwing parties because I really enjoyed the idea of architecting and creating experiences and memories…. But as passionate as I was about all of that, I didn’t see party planning as a full-time occupation for me. I thought of it more as a hobby that I was passionate about, and I needed to find something more meaningful  that I could dedicate myself to full-time.”

The remaining 166 pages of the book are laced with examples of how Tony used his love of architecting and creating experiences to build Zappos’s legendary culture. His attention to detail, from office layout to computer log-ins, to their annual Culture Book, and their policy of paying people to quit, all tell of a man who’s spent a lifetime understanding how to harness the energy of people for the greater good.

That’s the link between our Hobbies and our success or well-being. We are drawn to certain Hobbies because they allow us to think, feel, and behave in ways that reinforce our innate Strengths. Tony has masterfully figured out how to bring one of his Hobbies into his workplace and, in doing so, to build a company that is worth billions.

If Tony’s Hobby is architecting and creating experiences what are some of yours? Baking? Photography? Collecting stamps, lace, cars, or vintage signs? Do you enjoy reading, drawing, sweating, or sitting across from a friend in a coffee shop? What do some of your Hobbies reveal about you?

How might you bring one of your Hobbies to either paid or volunteer work? How might it change the way you approach required tasks? It might not earn you millions, but like Tony, it is sure to deliver happiness.

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That’s what my twelve year-old son said when I asked him what connection he saw between being, both, competitive and unrelenting.

Jack wakes up every day with an agenda; at least on thing he must do before he (or you) can go to bed. As much as it drives me crazy at times, his follow-through is a quality I admire and wish I had more of.

Yesterday it was renewing his picture ID at a local park where we have membership. Mind you, the ID serves no real function. He doesn’t need it to gain admission because I I swipe my ID at the gate when dropping him off. And he doesn’t need it to buy a snack, because they only ask for our family ID; a 6-digit number he memorized within the first five minutes of it being issued, six years ago.

The day before that it was designing his ideal drone. And then holding me captive until I listened to every feature that made it faster and more powerful than anything already on the market.

The day before that it was ordering my husband a salad bowl as a present for his birthday,

And the day before that it was packaging up and shipping off a tennis racket he was returning to Wilson. In a new box because, according to Jack, Wilson might not accept his return if we repurposed the gently used box it came in.

In all cases, Jack wants the best of everything and he’s like a dog with a bone until he checks an item off his list. He’s driven to push his agenda because, in his mind, “if he isn’t ahead he’s behind” and for a competitive person that feels like losing.

More important than the examples is Jack’s ability to articulate, for himself, the connection between his talents and these innate patterns in thinking, feeling, and behaving. Once Jack makes the connection for himself, he can lean on those strengths for the rest of his life as tools for building future successes.

It doesn’t work if I make the connection for him and at least two things are required for Jack to do it for himself.

Knowledge of his strengths. Jack is lucky enough to attend a school that uses our Shine curriculum, so in the fifth grade all students take StrengthsExplorer. This tool, created by Gallup, provides children 11-14 years of age with language around their top three strengths (his are: Competing, Organizer, and Discoverer). The shared language is what allowed me and Jack to have a conversation around patterns I was noticing in his behavior.

Questions. As parents hoping to unearth the talents and gifts of our children, the most important thing we can do is hold a mirror up to behaviors we notice and frame those observations in the form of questions. “Jack, I notice when there is a task you want completed, you won’t stop until it is done. Why do you think that is? Or, “Jack, what does it feel like when you check one of these items off your list?” Or, “What does it feel like when days go by and there is a task you don’t get checked off your list?”

Feed your strengths and they become stronger. Ignore them and, like the muscles in our body, they will atrophy. How can you feed the strengths of someone you love today by making an observation or posing questions about patterns you notice in their thinking, feeling, or behaving?

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Your thoughtful gesture from last week affirms so much of what I believe about people who shine.

• People who shine choose gratitude
• People who shine understand little things make a difference and, therefore, don’t talk themselves out of doing something because it doesn’t feel grand enough.
• People who shine seek opportunities to uplift others.
• People who shine understand the power of a note…especially when it comes in a yellow envelope.

Thank you, Patti, for the handwritten note and generous check you mailed to House of Shine last week. We especially appreciated you writing, “I wanted to continue in the giving spirit and donate to House of Shine. Thank you for what you do. I know my check isn’t for much, but I know it is going to make a positive impact on someone’s life because that is what you do“.

Since the experience you were thanking us for took place four months ago, it would have been easy for you to dismiss the idea of reaching out because you believed too much time had passed. People who shine know there is no time limit on making other people feel good.

Equally appreciated is the trust you have in us to be good stewards of your donation, using it to spread more shine in another corner of the world. It’s what we exist to do and we appreciate you enabling us to do more of it.

Thank you for your thank you.

Sincerely, Your friends at House of Shine

The post Dear Patti… appeared first on House of Shine.

Ninety-nine percent of the time what I need from the weekly DO52 verb I select is different than what I think I need.

Most of the time, what I think I need is more of what I already have.

That’s because pursuing more of what I already have is affirming and less scary than being presented with a void that needs filling.

Like last week, when I drew the verb “time” from my set of DO52 sticks. I love the topic of time, because I think I’m really good at it.

I’m good at managing it,

saving it, and

allocating it.

Drawing the verb “time” didn’t intimidate me at all. In fact, the opposite. I leapt into the week ready to find more of what I already have – strategies or factoids I could add to my already impressive box of time management tools.

I learned about the difference between managing time and managing attention.

Two people, coincidentally, recommended reading Daniel Pink’s book titled, When.

And, I topped off my week by waking up extra early Sunday morning, so I could max out my day – ticking tasks off my list like it was an Olympic sport.

Time was on my side and I was busy doing more of what I’m already good at.

What I wasn’t prepared to manage was my twelve year old son who wanted to play Pickle Ball.

He asked at noon

Then again at 2:oo

And again at 4:30 when I was zipping out the door to run an errand (so I could knock another item off my to-do list).

I sat in the parking lot of Target, just me, myself, and the soft voice carrying a big DO52 stick and whispering in my ear:

“Managing time is not what you need, Claudia. Spending time is what you need. Jack will not be young forever and he will not always choose you has his playmate. Time is fleeting and before you know it, he’ll be off to college and you’ll be wandering around your empty house searching for ways to spend the time you’ve so miserly saved and protected.

So I drove home, scooped up Jack and off we went to play Pickle Ball.

We had the time of our lives and on the way home I thanked him for the invitation to spend time with him.

E.B. White got it right when he said: “I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve (or save) the world and a desire to enjoy (or savor) the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”

The post Speak Softly and Carry a Big (DO52) Stick appeared first on House of Shine.

It meant using multiple methods or data sources to develop a comprehensive understanding of the phenomenon being studied and to increase the validity of your findings.

Triangulation is what happened to me over the last three weeks of participating in DO52. Only instead of me researching an outside phenomenon, it’s been me gaining a more comprehensive understanding of myself and my ways of being in the world.

Join

Participate

Share

By themselves these three verbs look like nothing special. Three simple verbs with three promising opportunities to shine a little brighter.

But together, as a series of three, this trifecta of verbs spoke volumes to me. When things show up in sets of three, it’s time to pay attention.

One by one, what they were telling me is that I’m imbalanced.

Join what? I’ve got enough commitments.

Participate when? My calendar is already full of meetings and events.

Share with whom? Every time I stand in front of a room teaching, I’m storytelling and sharing something. In fact, I’m sharing right now.

All three of these verbs were inviting me to be in relationship with other people and my reaction to all three verbs was the same: I don’t want to, I’m tired.

Generously giving myself to others is something I’m learning doesn’t come as naturally to me as it does others. So last week, I packed my three verbs and some outfits in a suitcase and went away for four days on a retreat with a small group. Only this time, instead of viewing time away as a drain on my energy, I welcomed the verbs into my life

and I saw this break as a special gift.

It was a chance to…

join three other women I knew very little about, to

participate in a series of structured and semi-structured activities together, and to

share with them pieces of my life, while also having the privilege of learning about theirs.

One verb by itself would have fallen on deaf ears, but all three together was too hard to ignore. And I’m glad I paid attention, because I came home feeling grateful for my new friendships and refreshed by the time away.

Do you have a set of DO52 sticks? If so, what were your last three verbs and, when looking at them together, what could they be trying to tell you? If you don’t have a set, how about visiting our store and purchasing a set?

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Here are a few of my countless examples :

I’m not happy with the size of my legs, but I’m proud of the way I get to the gym five mornings a week to exercise.

I’m not happy with the way I yelled at Matthew and Jack yesterday, but I am proud of how I circled back around to apologize.

I’m not happy with how little I get to see my ninety-three year old father, but I am proud of the effort I make to let him know how frequently I think about him.

It’s far more productive to focus on whether you’re proud of your choices than it is to focus on how happy you are with your circumstances.

Choices we have control over. Circumstances, sometimes not.

If your Inner Critic wants to be heard then tell it to forgo conversation about why you aren’t happier and ask it to join you in brainstorming actions you can take to feel prouder.

The post You Might Not Be Happy, But Are You Proud? appeared first on House of Shine.

When I first selected it, I did what I always do with my verb of the week. I invited it into my life and waited for my heart to tell my head how I could best deploy the verb to shine a little brighter.

My most immediate thought was to carve out time to clean my closet; to clear it of clothes I’m attached to, but no longer wear.

So I scheduled an appointment with a woman who is patient enough to embark on this task with me during my upcoming spring break.

Soon after, my attention turned to a collection of twenty or more handmade ceramic hearts that are sitting on a shelf in my garage. Glaze dripped into the holes positioned at the top of the hearts, preventing me from using them for their intended purpose – decorative tags to be attached to gift packages.

A certain sized Dremel drill bit is required to do the job, so I drove to Home Depot and bought one.

All the while my staff and I have been preparing for a March workshop that we offer as part of a yearlong series. I had the idea, since it was March, that my son, Jack the potter, could make each participant a bowl; something that would look and feel like a pot of gold and could be returned in May full of dimes. Collecting a fish tank full of dimes is an annual project we embark on to raise money for a local chapter of Rotary and it seemed like a creative way to get some additional help.

It was a big idea with only a short amount of time to execute, but the more I thought about the idea, the more attached I became to it.

So I called in volunteers to help,

redirected some of my staff’s time,

and even paid his pottery teacher to spend a few extra hours with Jack one week, meaning the House of Shine was now losing money on the proposition (a bitter pill to swallow for a non-profit).

Of course the deeper I got into the project by way of money, time, and psychological energy, the more attached I became and insistent I was on manifesting the outcome I had envisioned.

Interestingly enough, the workshop we were presenting was about sunsets and sunrises – endings and beginnings – and how letting go of something in our lives will almost always give rise to something new and different.

At 4am the day before our gathering, I was in my garage loading all eighty-five pots into the kiln and smiling about the irony of my situation.

I had become so attached to the idea of presenting each participant with a pot, I completely lost sight of the possibility it was an idea that never should have seen the light of day.

Or, could it be that my idea was a sunrise? A not-so-simple labor of love that would awaken in people a willingness to donate to a local charity?

Time will tell. It’s an analogy that seems fitting for life, though, since so often we can’t tell if something happening to us is actually a sunset… or a sunrise in disguise.

One thing I know for sure is that the sun is finally setting on the verb, “attach”, thereby giving rise to a new verb, a new week, and a whole new DO52 experience.

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