How to Get Good Duck

How to kill good duck

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 08:10:00 +0000

The duck is leaving the building. Sort of. He's really just changing his name and moving to greener pastures, as ducks and cows tend to do.

In order to not create too much work for or put too much pressure on myself (read: Irregularly updating ONE blog is enough, gawd forbid two...), I'm moving How to Get Good Duck over to www.andersporter.com. This way I can keep this incredibly insightful blog, some links to some of my other crap and an 'acquired taste' sampling of some of my writing all in one place.

How to Get Good Duck will return one day, more than likely as a star-studded major motion picture. Until then, please check out www.andersporter.com when you have a chance. If you are subscribed to How to Get Good Duck, or are receiving email updates (yes, I'm talking to both of you), you might want to change your RSS feed or re-subscribe for email updates from andersporter.com.

Thanks for listening and have a nice day.

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * entertainment * pop culture * How to Get Good Duck * Anders Porter * www.andersporter.com * moving * blogging * singing * dancing * eating * snacking * RSS * email * whatever

Can say lots in six words

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 11:01:00 +0000

Legend has it that Ernest Hemingway was once challenged
to write a story in six words. The result was
"For sale: baby shoes, never used."
- Smith Magazine

A while back, Larry Smith and Smith Magazine asked readers to contribute to the site by offering up six word memoirs. The response was extraordinary and now Harper Perennial is publishing a book, Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six-Word Memoirs by Writers Famous and Obscure, available next month.

I offered up my own, but I can't for the life of you tell you what I submitted, though it was undoubtedly ridiculous and corny and thus didn't make the book. Perhaps the following would have been better and appropriately descriptive:

Do not remember what I wrote.

In any event, you can check out this awesome video promo for the book and then purchase it here.

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * entertainment * pop culture * SmithMag * Smith Magazine * Larry Smith * Smith * 6 words * Six Word Memoirs * 6

Quit Bitching and Start Writing

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 04:47:00 +0000

I remember thinking when the writers' strike started a few months ago: oh yeah, right - the Hollywood "strike tool"... they'll take a few days off from work, walk around the streets of L.A. wearing khaki shorts and sunglasses while they drink soy lattes from paper mugs... cell phone in one hand and picket sign in the other... and then it'll quietly go away: some sort of deal will be reached, and they'll take up their cushy little jobs again, wearing khaki shorts and sunglasses while they drink soy lattes from paper mugs...

I am sort of happy to admit that I was wrong. I am glad that the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers has not given in yet, even though it seems fair to say that it is only a matter of time before they do.

What really amazes me is the timing of all of this. The Internet now provides an open platform on which aspiring writers, actors, directors and producers can strut their stuff. And this stuff is, right now, as good if not better than what you see on the tee vee. And the quality is improving daily. Considering this, it seems to me that union writers should be happy that they still have their cushy little jobs. Instead of branching out and creating side-projects (which, sometimes unfortunately, anyone with a camera and a microphone can do) on the Internet, striking writers have taken the "shit, we're not going to be able to cush forever... let's get as much as we can while we're still around..." approach.

And the fact that there is now a whole slew of feel sorry for us videos out there is pathetic, I think. Take your pick from here here here or everywhere. Thankfully, SlateV's Torie Bosch agrees with me, as seen in this video here:

TV and film writers make damn good money. Quit bitching and get back to work. Or I'll happily take over for you. Soy latte... mmm, good.

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * entertainment * pop culture * writers * writers' strike * WGA * WGAE * WGAW * SAG * DGA * picket lines * strike * whiny * television * film * radio * media * latte * sunglasses * SlateV * Speechless

One love.

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 08:15:00 +0000

Simple. Pure. Converse? Er... okay...

Tags:
* entertainment * pop culture * converse * converse ad * we * me * we me * bob marley * one love

Onions make me cry.

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 05:08:00 +0000

If it weren't for the diligent reporting from The Onion, I'd have no idea what's really happening out there. Here are two fine examples of tell-all stories, telling all:

In the Know: Are We Giving the Robots that Run Our Society Too Much Power?

Poll: Bullshit is Most Important Issue for 2008 Voters

See more of this revealing coverage here.

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * politics * president * george bush * republican * democrat * conservative * liberal * congress * entertainment * pop culture * The onion * onion * videos * robots * debate * 2008 elections * clinton * bullshit

It Ain't Television... It's Brain Surgery

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 10:43:00 +0000

I heard about this short film a couple days ago on NPR and had to check it out. The 20 minute-long film is very well done and is definitely worth watching. You can see the whole thing here.

Suffering from Parkinson's Disease, Ray Farkas decided four years ago to undergo a procedure called Deep Brain Stimulation Surgery, a radical step that would, if successful, reduce some of the shaking that Farkas had been forced to endure due to Parkinson's. The brain surgery requires patients to be awake in order to control the accurate targeting of shake-reducing electrical stimuli. Farkas decided to do what other talented filmmakers would nervously shy away from: he filmed it.

The procedure was a success, but Farkas unfortunately passed away on January 4 due to complications from colon cancer. The five-time Emmy award winner had an illustrious career in the documentary television world and is highly respected amongst peers and friends.

His sense of humor and love of life is captured in the film and in the accompanying original score, which offers up such humorous lines as "I need this operation like I need a hole in my head."

Farkas was 71.

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * entertainment * pop culture * Farkas * Ray Farkas * NPR * Emmy * filmmaker * TV * television * Parkinson's * Åarkinson's disease * brain surgery * Deep Brain Stimulation Surgery * DBS

snack attack 1.0

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 16:00:00 +0000

I've released a beta (ha ha) version of my new podcast at thesnackattack.com. I've got some issues to sort out with the sound quality and editing and stuff, but it is available for download as an mp3, or you can listen to it on the player below. It should be available on iTunes in the next day or two as well.

As soon as I get all the kinks ironed out, I'll be trying to podcast a few times a month (I'm steering clear of using the word "weekly." Scary.)

If you have any comments or suggestions, or want to send me your favorite snacks to be crunched on the show, send an email to stillhungry (AT) snackattack.com.

Enjoy-

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * entertainment * pop culture * snack * snacks * snacking * food * podcast * snack news * news * hungry * munch * crunch * lunch * eat some stuff

Cognitive psychology defined

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 10:18:00 +0000

I just started reading Omega Minor by Paul Verhaeghen last night and came across this great entry about cognitive psychology:

Cognitive psychology is a beautiful, never-ending enterprise. To lose yourself in the details of the mind, in phenomena that lasts for only a few milliseconds and then dissolve into the great melting pot of consciousness without leaving a trace, it's like trying to guess the number and function of the cogs of a tiny machine encased in a steel box that has been welded shut, just by shaking it. There's a warning sticker on the outside of the mind: Warranty void if opened. No user-serviceable parts inside. Yes, this is the life! This is the real deal; it's like getting a chemistry set for Christmas , but someone forgot to include the instructions.

Fantastic!

Tags:
* entertainment * pop culture * Omega Minor * Paul Verhaeghen * Verhaeghen * books * book review * cognitive psychology * psychology

Why I Heart Huckabee

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 07:31:00 +0000

I just sent off my absentee ballot today, and yes, I am on the Obamawagon it seems. The funny thing is that when you look at the list of names of Democrats running, all in one little tiny list, with no color and no sound clips, Obama is (here we go again) the lesser of the evils. So there you have it.

But this post is about Huckabee. I just can't stop thinking about that dude. He's whacky and loveable. (If you missed him on Leno, here's one and two.)

The reason I like Huckabee is that he's the only one who will talk to me. Back in September, I sent off a list of 4 questions to each presidential candidate. All sent automated responses, a few came back with "sorry no time" standards, written by real people, and ALL of the democrats simply added my email address to their spamming lists. I now get six to eight emails daily from Obama and Edwards (combined) and an occasional one from Hillary. But only one dude actually answered my questions. That's right: Huckabee. They were answered through his assistant Gay White.

The questions were:

1. Name the one place in the world you have visited that has had a lasting effect on you or has provided you with memories that you will not soon forget. Briefly explain why the visit was so rewarding.

2. From an international perspective, the political reputation of the United States has suffered significantly in the eyes of the rest of the world over the past several years. Do you think that this decline in worldwide public opinion is justified and what steps would you take as President to improve the political reputation of the United States?

3. For your next cross-country road trip, you must choose one musician/musical artist or one band to accompany you, performing in the back seat as you drive. Who/what band would you take along with you and why?

4. Describe briefly your dream meal. Where are you and what are you eating?

(I know: it's important stuff.)

And here is Ms. White's letter in response:

Dear Mr. Porter,

Thank you so much for your email to Governor Huckabee. He was in the office very briefly today and I had a chance to ask him your questions. His answers follow:

1. The place he has visited that has had the most lasting impression on him is Israel. He took his young daughter, Sarah, to visit the Holy Land. While there they visited the Holocaust Memorial in Jerusalem. As he led Sarah through the memorial she was very silent. He explained each exhibit and what had happened. At the end of the tour, after remaining completely silent, Sarah looked at him and said, “But Daddy, why didn’t somebody do something?” Her answer so stunned him, so seared his conscience, that he determined he would do everything in his might to try to make the world better. He has never forgotten that trip, that tour, that moment.

2. Governor Huckabee believes that the poor opinion the world has of the United States is partly justified. Rather than a spirit of cooperation and commonality, our leadership has had a go it alone, almost bullying attitude. During his 10 ½ years as Governor, Governor Huckabee (a Republican Governor) worked with a ¾ percent Democratic legislature. Through the Biblical quote, “Come let us reason together” which the Governor espouses, he was able to create and pass significant legislation to leave Arkansas a much better place when he left office. He had the amazing ability to bring together dissenting parties, lead them to common ground and work together for the people. He will do no less as President. He often talks about how at this point the U.S.Government is a horizontal government. The right against the left, liberals against conservatives, Republicans against Democrats. He believes government should be vertical, with everyone working together to reach up. That is the way he lead Arkansas, that is the way he will lead America.

3. Governor Huckabee would like do a road trip with the Rolling Stones! As a musician himself (he plays guitar…and has his own band) he said that would be a REAL road trip.

4. Governor Huckabee said his favorite meal is rib eye steak, broccoli and angel food cake with strawberries.

Thanks again for your inquiry.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Gay White

Assistant to Governor Huckabee

Mike Huckabee for President

P.O. Box 2008

Little Rock, AR 72201

Check it out - he likes broccoli. And I love the fact that the nature of my questions led them to believe that I was twelve, hence the need to explain to me that he is a Republican and to throw in the fact that he has a daughter who starts sentences with "But Daddy..." This may, in fact, be his standard elementary school speech, but I love his people for getting back to me nonetheless.

It's too bad he's years ahead of his time. Despite how much I heart the guy, I'm afraid his days are numbered. Sorry Mike. But good luck anyhow.

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * politics * president * george bush * republican * democrat * conservative * liberal * congress * Huckabee * Mike Huckabee * 2008 * Campaign 2008 * presidential campaign * Obama * Hillary * Clinton * Barack Obama * Edwards * Iowa * New Hampshire * Arkansas

How to Get Good Tree

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 21:03:00 +0000

So, today was the day, just a couple days before Christmas, when I finally got my act together (and found the time) to go out into my backyard and choose the tree that would hang out with me in my house over the holidays. This is how it all went down:Me with saw: ready to go.

Bound to be some good trees down here.
The first potentials - too close to the road, not WILD enough.

the saw and the frost
distraction: more amazing frostagain: totally forgot what I was out here to do - blown away by the frost

maybe one of these guys is good enough...
distracted again: ice crystals on the stream

more ice on the stream

right. back to the mission: could this be the one?

And then there was this one: the perfect tree.what it looked like immediately after the kill
in the bathroom, freshing up, er, defrosting...
thawed out and finding its place in the corner of my living room

with lights

and with all the dressing.

That's how I got mine.
How did you get yours?
:-)
Merry Christmas

2007-8 Icehotel opens in Schweden

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 16:30:00 +0000

The Icehotel celebrates St. Lucia Day tonight and the Absolut Icebar opens tomorrow night, which means that after that: it's all good. Come on in... chill out. Hee hee. Ho ho.

I was up there last week and wrote this article, focusing on two pairs of artists and the overall concept and construction of the hotel.

To see some more random shots of work in progress, check out my flickr account.

Enjoy!

Tags:
* entertainment * pop culture * Icehotel * ice hotel * ice * Jukkasjärvi * Sweden * Lucia * St.Lucia * Christmas * opening * Absolut * Icebar * Ben Rousseau * Jai Drew * Liliya Pobornikova * Viktor Tsarski * cold * hotel * crazy bastards

Mitt Romney leading in the polls

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 10:55:00 +0000

At least in this poll:

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * politics * president * george bush * republican * democrat * conservative * liberal * congress * entertainment * pop culture * mitt romney * bar fight * drunk * clinton * edwards * kerry * poll * election

R U IMing 2 ?

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 09:13:00 +0000

Time Magazine recently reported that:

43% of US teens say that they use instant messaging (IM) to express something they wouldn't say in person.

22% of teens sat that they use IM to ask people out or to accept dates.

13% of teens use IM to break up with people.

I wonder what the latter ends up looking like... Maybe: I H8 U ... ? or I LOL @ U? No, turns out it can be done with a simple FUJIMO, defined in its polite form here.

Here and here are (way too long) lists of the abbreviations that the kids are using to dump each other and ask each other out. I am assuming that when they "go out" they take their handhelds with them, so that they can continue to communicate.

I am such an OM.
Dude.

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * entertainment * pop culture * IM * instantmessaging * chat * date * teenagers * break up * dump * time * time magazine * fujimo

Rudy and the child molester: A vaudeville show in countless acts

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 05:17:00 +0000

A while back, I gave US Presidential candidate Mitt Romney a hard time. While I still have no plans to support the guy, on the Republican side, he's starting to look like an angel compared to this idiot:

This shot is of Giuliani, in his customary pin-stripe wiseguy costume (complete with super-shiny teflon tie), seen with Alan Placa, a high school/college buddy and longtime good friend of Giuliani's. Placa, whom Giuliani employs as a consultant at Giuliani Partners, is also an accused child molester. The Suffolk County Grand Jury Report (Placa is "Priest F") can be seen here and you can scroll through more pictures of the two thugs here.

As an attorney (the media has often referred to him as a "wolf in sheep's clothing"), Placa has worked defending and covering up allegations against, you guessed it, other priests accused of the same crimes... His litigation is said to have saved the church hundreds of thousands of dollars. Yeah, he's another good one to have on your side, Mr. G.

What happened to the days when this, not to mention all the other questionable Giuliani relationships and activities, would ruin a man's political career? It's like the old election adage that had us voting for the "lesser of two evils" has been replaced with our voting for the "lesser of two known criminals." Are we as a people so numbed by the media that we have come to simply accept that these people are a functioning part of our society, and even (yikes!) our leadership?

I guess we don't even really care about who these people are and what kind of company they keep. I mean, it's not Placa who's running for office, right? His just his good buddy and occasional boss, that's all.

Politics has become a vaudeville routine, complete with the huge hook that pulls characters off the stage for a second and so that the political cartoonists can have a go at them, but then nudges them back out at the end to take a bow in front of a very amused audience. We laugh, we pat them on the back, we forgive them of their sins and tell them: go get 'em, tiger. At the end of the day, everybody's happy. Some reporter got a breaking story, a cartoonist sold a fantastic caricature, the crooked politician in question got a slap on the wrist and then wrote a best-selling book about it, and the general population had a good laugh. Huh? Wha..?

While Romney has been flopping like a fish about where he stands on certain issues for some time now, I'm not aware of his mafia ties or questionable relationships. Not yet anyhow.

But there's still time. It's a long, crooked road to the White House.

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * politics * president * george bush * republican * democrat * conservative * liberal * congress * Romney * Giuliani * Rudy Giuliani * candidates * molester * Placa * Alan Place * priest * child molester * Catholic church * church * teflon candidate * Rudolph Giuliani

Size apparently matters

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 10:32:00 +0000

Time's best inventions of the year came out late last month and everybody knows that the iPhone topped the list. Tell us something we didn't already know, right?

Well, there are a bunch of other great inventions, including these "stackable car" things that will make borrowing a car in a city as easy as borrowing a bike. And then there's these really funky shoe/sandal things from Vibram.

But what really got to me in the review of the other best inventions by Time magazine was this sentence, which I have now read about 300 times:

The new 45-nanometer Core processor is so compact, you could fit 2 million of its transistors on the period at the end of this sentence.

This sentence is referring to the new Intel Core processor that is due out by the end of the year. And it either makes perfect sense to you or it doesn't. You can probably guess which group I'm in. Let's look at it again:

The new 45-nanometer Core processor is so compact, you could fit 2 million of its transistors on the period at the end of this sentence.

I can't seem to get this sentence out of my head, even though I read it about a week ago. What the heck are they talking about? How the hell can 2 million of anything fit anywhere? I was pretty sure that I had no idea what a transistor in a processor looked like, and now I can confirm that notion. The old image in my head of some sort of green mother board, with all kinds of colorful little candy-looking sausages wired together with thick clumpy solder is now completely gone. I had been keeping that image in my head up until now: Everything inside of a computer looks like that old HP calculator that you took apart in 2nd grade. Guess what? I am apparently wrong. Everything inside of a computer is apparently invisible. One more time:

The new 45-nanometer Core processor is so compact, you could fit 2 million of its transistors on the period at the end of this sentence.

The only thing that I can imagine fitting into the period at the end of that sentence, or this one, for that matter, is another, slightly smaller period. Or, with a very steady hand and a magnifying glass, I could probably stick it with the point of a pin. Once. Twice if I was lucky. 2 million times?

It might as well read:

The new 45-nanometer Core processor is the most amazing thing ever. And we mean EVER ever. It can take the seeds out of a lemon and do magic tricks while it gives you a blood transfusion and transports you to the year 2987.

Now THAT I understand.

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * entertainment * pop culture * Time * Best Inventions * iPhone * Intel * 45-nanometer Core processor * transistors * period * sentence * huh?* compact * HP
* technology * crazy

Uttered in my kitchen, early this morning:

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 10:25:00 +0000

Go ahead, Aisha, eat. I'm not going to dance around it and make it rain.

Huh?

Talking Turkey

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 06:48:00 +0000

Here's some Thanksgiving fun that'll blow your mind - More than likely, the turkey that you will be eating on Thursday has never flown. Or bred. Not for a lack of will, I am sure, but because it couldn't. Fly or breed.

The broad-breasted white turkey is the turkey that has dominated the US market for quite some time now, said to represent 99% of the turkeys eaten on Thanksgiving day. To keep up with a demand for cheap white meat, this breed has been genetically engineered to produce a huge-chested (for that great breast meat), short-legged (who eats those anyhow?), white-feathered (to keep the feathers from discoloring the turkeys) and fast-growing (they have to grow fast because they don't live that long) turkey that can't even begin to think about flapping its little wings and becoming airborne, and must be artificially inseminated in order to reproduce.

Want something better? Traditional turkeys, called heritage turkeys, are still around, but they are difficult to get a hold of and are significantly more expensive than the factory version. But chefs across the nation prefer the taste better, especially when comparing the the dark meat to that of the broad-breasted variety, and so these little guys are making a comeback.

While it may be a little late to do anything about it for Thanksgiving (your 38 pound big-breasted is probably already defrosting in one of the extra refrigerators), you can always eat Turkey in January as well. Or even March. Or (yikes!) July. Turkey is just too tasty of a bird to just prepare once a year. If you're interested in finding out how to get a hold of a heritage turkey, surf around a bit, or check here or here or here.

And for a Thanksgiving greeting from the broadest-breasted turkey of them all, go here.

Tags:
* turkey * thanksgiving * heritage turkey * genetic engineering * breats * big-breasted * broadbreasted * white meat * dark meat * bush

Mapping the Tree of Life

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 09:55:00 +0000

I recently met with Birgitta Bremer, the first woman to serve as Sweden's Professor Bergianus (the top botany position in Sweden, dating back to 1760) and spoke with her about her research. A very charming, highly driven and super-intelligent individual, she is focused on "family tree" style classification that will eventually map the relationships between all living organisms. Yep, all of them.

The genus Bremeria is named after her and can be found on Madagascar and the Mascarene Islands. My article about Birgitta Bremer can be read here.

Tags:
* Birgitta Bremer * www.sweden.se * flowers * research * botany * tree of life * time tree * bremeria * Bergianska * Bergianus

Soup Peddling

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 08:33:00 +0000

For a short period of time while I was working at an investment firm in San Francisco, I decided to start making and bringing lunch for some of my co-workers. I don't really know why, but I ended up with 5 or 6 regulars who paid me 5 dollars to bring them in whatever I made, once a week. So every week I would go around and double-check that these crazy people still wanted my meals, and would then go shopping and get the ingredients that I needed in order to make a meal that left over enough leftovers (can I say that?) for the whole group.

These weirdos actually liked this service, some even tried to convince me to do it every day. Seeing that this was something that I was doing for fun and because I like to cook, it didn't end up being a career move for me. So, I did for a few months, and then I changed departments and... well, it fizzled away. But the reason people liked it and wanted me to keep going was because of the fact that it was a great feeling to have home-made, fresh meals delivered hot to your cubicle or office. Instead of having to go out and spend 8 dollars on a crappy sandwich, these people were getting a nice, healthy meal for less money. And I smiled a lot, too. Smiling always helps.

Another guy who knows how to smile is David Ansel, who took the concept of delivering food to people to a whole new level, and seems to have created a great niche for himself in Austin, Texas. He started out several years ago, delivering soup, loaded into ice chests strapped onto a little wheeled cart, on his bicycle, with his dog running alongside. His unique style of food preparation and delivery quickly became popular in the Austin area, and his "once a one-man show" is now a thriving little business. To find out more about David (and even sign up for his organic soup delivery if you live in Austin) go here. David has also collaborated with illustrator Liza Ferneyhough and written a book that features some of his most popular soup recipes, available here.

I recently watched a short film about David and his soup peddling, which I highly recommend. It's called The Soup Peddler, and was produced and directed by Lisa Kaselak of Fosforo Films. You can order a copy of it here. If you're super nice to Lisa, she will even ship overseas.

The original soundtrack for the film was written and performed by my buddy Jake Scarbrough, a.k.a. Lush Logic. Jake's soothing guitar-plucking and strumming make for fantastic accompaniment to this well-told tale of a soupy dude and his peeps.

Tags:
* entertainment * pop culture * David Ansel * The Soup Peddler * soup * recipes * books * DVD * film * Lisa Kaselak * Fosforo Films * Jake Scarbrough * Lush Logic * soundtrack * guitar * soup * food * organic * Austin * Texas * bicycle

The Giuliani-Kerik Connection: Nouns, Verbs and 9-11s

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Sat, 10 Nov 2007 08:05:00 +0000

Joseph Biden was right on when he said that for the most part, Rudy Giuliani's sentences consist of "a noun, a verb and 9/11." What sort of amazes me is that Rudy Giuliani tends to not mess that up. Grammatically, he's correct in placing the noun first, then the verb, and then the 9/11. That's pretty smart for a mafia dude. Nice job Rudy. But that's where the compliments stop, capiche?

I have startled myself upright in the middle of the night on many occasions, a cold sweat coating my shaking body. Sick? No - scared. Every now and then I think about the state of things: an irresponsible Republican administration has driven the United States into a rather unfortunate position. We are stuck in a game that none of us really wanted to be a part of, essentially, an unsuccessful Vietnam reprise, a touch football grudge match gone very foul. It's now become an extremely annoying loop that plays over and over again every time you turn on the radio and hear about additional casualties, budget issues and asinine policy decisions. It is sick. It is foolish. As an American, it is embarrassing.

It'll get better, I often try to tell myself. Sprout has a year left and has become not only the laughing-stock of the planet, but has now completely lost the global popularity contest to, among others, Vladimir Putin. So I can't imagine that he'd really even want to try to pull off any more stupid pranks before leaving office. Oh crap. Did I really say that? A year left? That's more than enough time for... oh, I shudder to think.

Back to the point, at least we've got a new bunch to soon choose from, right? One of these guys will come in and save the day, surely. Let's get back to Mr. Giuliani, for example. He can get the job done. You can read more about his qualifications here. And if he can't give American politics a face lift,he's at least connected with people who can get the job done, right?

Take that talented fella Bernard Kerik, for example. The former Giuliani-appointed NYC Police Commissioner (2000-2001) and adulterous high school drop-out begin cultivating his political prowess by driving Giuliani around during G's 1993 mayoral campaign. That Driving Miss Crazy friendship apparently was quiet successful, eventually leading to Kerik's appointment as police commissioner. Their relationship continued to blossom financially as well, the two joining hands to grow a little cabbage, make a little dough, fold a little lettuce with their security consulting firm, Giuliani-Kerik, LLC.

And, the best thing about Kerik is that it appears that he knows people in low places, which will be of great help to Giuliani when he steps into the White House and starts calling the shots. Kerik, for example, knows some goodfella construction dudes, who were kind enough to help Kerik, in exchange for ... who knows, with some major apartment renovation. It is said that the White House could use a new game room. I'm sure that President Giuliani can swing some sort of deal through Kerik. So that's good.

Personally, Kerik has overcome tremendous obstacles in order to achieve greatness. It is reported that his mother, a prostitute, was killed by her pimp. That's wild. And in the aftermath of 9/11, Kerik, lacking a proper love nest where he could participate in extramarital affairs, was forced to use one of the apartments near Ground Zero that had been designated for rescue worker use. That's tough. And to make matters worse for this real American hero, he was forced to withdraw from a seemingly well-researched nomination by President Bush for the office of Secretary of Homeland Security, due to the fact that he had employed an illegal immigrant as a nanny. Oops. This guy's been through a lot.

Kerik's latest obstacle? The poor guy has been indicted by a federal grand jury in New York, on charges such as obstruction of justice, tax fraud and lying to the White House. NO! It can't be! Giuliani needs this mafia connection, it'll make for a much more productive stint in the White House. How is G going to work his way around this one? Does he have more mafia connections who can step up to the plate? Here's how Giuliani has recently reacted to Kerik's questionable activities:

Trying to distance one's self from such characters can be, well, about as difficult as trying to leave the mob. Under a witness protection program, it may be quite difficult for Mr. Giuliani to be a successful highbinder AND President of the United States. But stranger things have happened.

Good luck, Mr. Giuliani, capiche?

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * politics * president * george bush * republican * democrat * conservative * liberal * congress * entertainment * pop culture * Rudy * Giuliani * Bernard * Kerik * White House * 2008 * indictment * mafia * connected * Joseph * Biden * football * Iraq * war * idiot * police commissioner * pimp * prostitute

The Friday Funny

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 17:49:00 +0000

Dave Chappelle is one funny dude. That's really all I have to say. Plenty of profanity, FYI. Feed readers watch it here. Happy weekend.

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * entertainment * pop culture * Dave Chappelle * funny * London * comedy * stand up * cigarette

Velibbing in Paris

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 11:03:00 +0000

I was in Paris last weekend to hang out with my friend Ellen and we ended up renting some bikes, using the new Velib bike rental program that Paris launched in July of this year. Here's a video showing us wheeling around Paris. Broken up by some amazing Metro puppetry:

You may have noticed that the pitch of my voice changed significantly after the white wine and oyster stop. Go figure. I'm not sure that Velib wants a white-wined idiot cruising around Paris on one of their bikes and then reviewing their service on his blog, but who cares. Here goes:

First of all, the bikes are awesome. They are really nice three-speed bikes, looking a bit like something that should be called iBike or iVélo or something. They're slick and user friendly. And they have one of those little dinger thingies so that you can scare people as they walk along the sidewalk, causing them to fear for their lives and jump out of the way. Having never owned a bike with a little dinger thingy, I used mine liberally.

The way it works is that you can get a short-term rental for your stay in Paris, but only if you have a bank card or a credit card with one of those chip things in it. That means, essentially, a card issued in Europe. Perhaps American banks are starting to to do the chip thing as well, I have no idea. But if you ain't got no chip, you ain't got no bike. So that's a bummer.

You put your card in, punch a few little buttons, and then you get a code that is good for either 1 or 7 days, depending on how long you'll be there. After that, you can just go around the city, taking and leaving bikes as you please. Rates and other info can be found here.

So the bikes are great and the system works well and is very hi-tech-ish. So what could be wrong? Two things:

1. On busy days and during busy times, it can be tough to find a spot to put your bike back. And, since you've put a 150 Euro deposit on each bike, it's not something that you just leave leaning up against a wall somewhere. So on one occasion Ellen and I were stuck with four bikes (there were four of us to begin with but Cody and Jessica had to run off to catch a plane) and no empty "docking stations" to park them in. After maybe 30-45 minutes, we finally managed to have them all docked, but only after riding around a bit to find the empties. I understand that there is some sort of Velib team that goes around with trucks and moves bicycles in and out of congested areas, but it's obviously difficult to keep up. So that was a little annoying.

2. Nowhere on the terminals where you swipe your card does it say that Velib will hold or "lock" your deposit funds for 7 to 9 days. You have to call them afterwards, when you're wondering where the hell your money is, to get that information. Since I was the only one with a chipped card, we used my card for all four bikes. I made the mistake of using a bank/ATM card instead of a credit card, which meant that a whopping 600 Euros was theirs for 7 to 9 days, and I was not able to access those funds until I got back and called my bank here in Sweden. I don't know what that's all about, but I was pretty frustrated with them at the time. (I'm over it now. I think.) I sent an email to Velib to voice my frustrations (in English), but I am sure that that one ended up in the "English" inbox, an inbox that is generally laughed at and ashed on.

All in all, even considering the fact that they stole my deposit money for 7 days and went to Vegas, it was a great experience with the Velib thing. With a good map of the city, these things will save you loads of time getting around. The first half hour of each trip is free, and the cost that you pay goes up as you use them, illustrating the idea that they want you to use them for short trips, not for cruising high schools. But if you watch the clock, and follow someone who knows where they're going, you can do most trips around Paris in less than half an hour.

In a nutshell, I give Velib a stern shaking index finger for their 7-9 day deposit policy, but then invite them out of the time-out corner and happily give them two ooh-là-làs and a bonjour mademoiselle.

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * entertainment * pop culture * Velib * Paris * bicycles * bikes * bike rental Paris * oysters * white wine * idiot

Toasty schnitzelicious

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Sun, 21 Oct 2007 10:30:00 +0000

You have no idea how long I've been dying to stick my schnitzel in a toaster. Finally, the wait is over! Feed-readers click here to see the fascinating new TOASTY schnitzel... thing.

Gotta love that presentation of the TOASTY at the end, carefully placed next to the ketchup-covered macaroni, with a little tomato garnish. Beautiful.

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Now playing: Carlos Mendes - The Drill
via FoxyTunes

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * entertainment * pop culture * toasty * german * schnitzel * toast * toaster * toaster schnitzel

Sunday Funnies

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Sun, 21 Oct 2007 07:51:00 +0000

I spent all day yesterday writing and am about to do it again today, so I'm opting for text-light blogging today. In other words, that's where you just go out and steal a bunch of videos and post them. Yawn, but, hey, it's Sunday. Feed readers click through to see these poached videos here.

This one is a must. Andy Kaufman doing what Andy Kaufman does. Or did:

This is one of the best Bush press conference parodies out there. With zombies:

And finally, a classic David Blaine parody. There's a precursor to this one, but the audio is a little annoying, so you get #2:

These and other finny little thingies can be found at funnyordie.com.

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Now playing: Boney M. - Daddy Cool
via FoxyTunes

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * politics * president * george bush * republican * democrat * conservative * liberal * congress * entertainment * pop culture * funny or die * videos * Sunday * funny * David Blaine * Andy Kaufman * Bush * press conference * zombies

Nobel prize winner has racist DNA

noreply@blogger.com (AndersP) — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 05:20:00 +0000

Biologist James Watson, winner of the 1962 Nobel Prize for his role in discovering the double-helix structure of DNA, is apparently a racist idiot. Click-through to full article here.

Watson apologized profusely yesterday for a statement that he made in which he insinuated that black people were not as intelligent as white people. He went on to say that he was "mortified" by public reaction to his comments and that he "cannot understand how (he) could have said what (he is) quoted as having said." Let's take a look at what he actually said and see if we can help him to understand what passed through those unruly lips of his.

In an interview with The Sunday Times, the 79-year-old pair of lips molded the air being passed through them into words that indicated that he was "inherently gloomy about the prospect of Africa" because "all our social policies are based on the fact that their intelligence is the same as ours -- whereas all the testing says not really." Here's a shot of Dr. Watson doing "all the testing" stuff:

And if his foot was not already tickling his tonsils, the lips went on to say that he was hopeful that everyone was equal, but noted that "people who have to deal with black employees find this not true”.

I don't know about you, but I'm not having a real problem understanding his words. They seem pretty straight-forward to me. It's a shame that the man can't grasp what comes out of his mouth, but it should be noted that this is the same man who once said, "One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also just stupid."

When asked in an (imaginary) interview with this blogger, New Orleans rapper Baby, seen here, had this to say: "I would like to pronounce that it's undoubtedly apparent that this individual Caucasian gentleman is erroneous in his computations and conclusions, hence supporting my own supposition that the colorless Homo sapiens specimen is unmistakably a substandard being. In the mean time, I’m fairly certain that I’m funna just go ahead and put a cap in his ass.”

To read more about the consequences that Watson is facing due to the fact that he has no control over those paper-thin white boy lips of his, go here and here and here.

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * racism * racist * kkk * James Watson * Nobel Prize * 1962 * lips * Baby * rap * intelligence * idiot * New Orleans