How I Deal

Spirit List

2012-01-05T15:11:00.006-07:00

Remember getting that checklist in church sometimes that describes what it feels like when you have the spirit and what it feels like when you don't? I'm hoping you know what I mean. I've seen it come up and get passed around quite a few times. Just in case you think I'm nuts, here's a copy. But you can still think I'm nuts. It's from the August 1978 Ensign in the I Have a Question section.

When you have the Spirit:
1. You feel happy, calm, and clear-minded.

2. You feel generous.

3. Nobody can offend you.

4. You wouldn’t mind everybody seeing what you’re doing.

5. You are eager to be with people and want to make them happy.

6. You are glad when others succeed.

7. You are glad to attend your meetings and participate in church activities.

8. You feel like praying.

9. You wish you could keep all the Lord’s commandments.

10. You feel in control—you don’t overeat or sleep too much; you don’t feel uncontrollably drawn to sensational entertainment, lose your temper, or feel uncontrollable passions or desires.

11. You think about the Savior often and lovingly; you want to know him better.

12. You feel confident and are glad to be alive.

When you don’t have the Spirit:

1. You feel unhappy, depressed, confused, and frustrated.

2. You feel possessive, self-centered, or resentful of demands made on you.

3. You are easily offended.

4. You become secretive and evasive.

5. You avoid people, especially members of your family; and you are critical of family members and Church authorities.

6. You envy or resent the successes of others.

7. You don’t want to go to church, go home teaching, or take the sacrament. You wish you had another church job or no job at all.

8. You don’t want to pray.

9. You find the commandments bothersome, restricting, or senseless.

10. You feel emotions and appetites so strongly that you fear you cannot control them—hate, jealousy, anger, lust, hunger, fatigue.

11. You hardly ever think of the Savior; he seems irrelevant to your life, or worse, part of a confusing system that seems to work against you.

12. You get discouraged easily and wonder if life is really worth it.

I bring this up for a specific reason. I have found some similarities in my life lately, and there are those who would say I'm being misled or fooling myself. Because, as many of you know, I'm choosing to have relations with my girlfriend. And yes, I'm still making sense of it all myself. But isn't it all very interesting?

When Kim has a healthy (and intimate - yes, they can exist together) relationship with a woman:
1. You feel happy, calm, and clear-minded.
2. You feel generous.
3. Nobody can offend you. -- Okay, people can still offend me and, at times, still do.
4. You wouldn’t mind everybody seeing what you’re doing. -- Other than what's
private, but that's a respect and sacredness issue, not "I want to hide this"
issue.
5. You are eager to be with people and want to make them happy.
6. You are glad when others succeed.
7. You are glad to attend your meetings and participate in church activities. (Maybe just me here ... )
8. You feel like praying. (I always feel like praying)
9. You wish you could keep all the Lord’s commandments. -- Yes, I still wish this.
10. You feel in control—you don’t overeat or sleep too much; you don’t feel uncontrollably drawn to sensational entertainment, lose your temper, or feel uncontrollable passions or desires.
11. You think about the Savior often and lovingly; you want to know him better.
12. You feel confident and are glad to be alive.

And when I am keeping the law of chastity:

1. You feel unhappy, depressed, confused, and frustrated.
7. You don’t want to go to church, go home teaching, or take the sacrament. You wish you had another church job or no job at all. (Last part not true. I always loved my callings.)
9. You find the commandments bothersome, restricting, or senseless. (Or just plain old very, very difficult to the point of wondering how to manage it.)
10. You feel emotions and appetites so strongly that you fear you cannot control them—hate, jealousy, anger, lust, hunger, fatigue.
12. You get discouraged easily and wonder if life is really worth it.

So I get some confusion at times about why I can feel so much closer to the Lord in this current path ... Maybe it's because I'm just not a spiritual person after all. Maybe I'm just not "good enough". Maybe I'm just a basically immoral person.

Or maybe I'm still spiritual, good, and moral, but just made differently? Made for a different path?

I dunno.

Random Dreams

2011-12-24T10:05:00.003-07:00

This morning I woke up from a dream and found myself saying out loud, "God lives." I have no idea what I was dreaming and why I was saying that, but I nodded and went back to sleep. Yes, He does. I know this and I'm glad I even know it in my sleep.

I also dreamt I was single again, meaning I had no one in my life to date or who wants me or connects with me on a very deep and intimate and complete level. I was walking down the street and feeling this singleness and pondering how I felt empty and sad. I thought it an interesting comparison to how I've been feeling of late.

I love dreams.

Showers, Dolts, and Kisses

2011-12-23T09:38:00.003-07:00

This morning while in the shower, I recalled a fairly recent discussion I had with the Lord while in the shower. We all have deep thoughts in the shower, right? We all talk to the Lord while in the shower, right? Right? ::cricket noise::

It was October when my last girlfriend broke up with me yet again. I had determined I was done with that and would either move on or remain single the rest of my life. This wasn't a happy few days in my life and I one morning sat in the tub, letting the shower water run over me. I was deep in thought about things and determined I had better involve the Lord in my thoughts. So we talked. Okay, I talked. I reminded Him of the recent break up and told Him I was not sure what my future was looking like. I invited Him to be a part and let Him know this was a good time for Him to be in charge and direct things as He saw fit. I let Him know that as He was well aware, I would love for a woman to come into my life that actually fit what I needed and what I was looking for. I discussed those traits with Him (see this post). I let Him know as well that what I wanted more than that was to follow His will and live my life as He wants me to live it. I told Him that if it was time for me to "get back on track" with the church and remain celibate again, I was going to be okay with that, just like I had been for the previous 11 years prior to my last girlfriend. We discussed the desires of my heart - again I discussed, He listened - and how they appeared dichotomous according to the church and society. On one hand I wanted a woman in my life who fit my needs but on the other I wanted to be okay with Him, to have my life follow His will. After ~~the water got cold~~ this discussion, I finalized my monologue by telling Him it was up to Him and I was quite willing to do as He saw fit, and in the meantime, I'd live my life and do my best to listen to what He had to say.

I had forgotten about that conversation (I keep calling it that as if He spoke to me, so perhaps He did on some level. In fact, I'm sure of it, cuz my heart was comforted and my pain was diminished. So we're going with it being a two way event). Anyway, I forgot about that dialogue because life got crazy. Dad became severely ill, cars broke down, Christmas approached which is hard because it reminds me of my deceased mother, my first love's mother passed away, having no money to buy my children presents, and a suspicious mole is being tested. Phew. That's a lot. So I put that conversation out of my mind.

Yet, a woman came into my life. Well, she had been in my life as a friend for a while now and somehow it just shifted to something else. Not mysteriously, really, as that might imply. Maybe I should just tell the story.

As I said, we've know of each other for a few years. Became friends on Facebook a while ago. Met at my house for brownies and ice cream. I let her know at that time I was not attracted to her, because yes, I am that much of a dolt. I think I even said it about 4 times that very night. I am amazed at my tact and sensitivity. Yet, during this same time frame, I was telling my friends about meeting her and how much I was attracted to who she was as a person, just not physically attracted.

Then we spent a great deal of time together for a few days as she offered to support me in a difficult task. At one point I had eaten something she despises and she jokingly said, "No kisses for you." I said, "Well, good" and then went on some idiotic monologue about why I would not kiss her. Again, dolt. It was as if part of me were watching this as a movie and saying to myself "Stop talking, you idiot! You're protesting way too much!" Yet on I went.

As time went on, I sensed that she was feeling things for me and may want to kiss me. Not sure how to explain that I could know that, but I did. I brushed it off, hoping it would pass, as I was sure that would be a difficult and awkward thing to happen. However, later I realized it had not passed but likely deepened. So I wondered what to do if that truly presented itself. What would I say? How would I handle it? Would I tell her no? Would I let it happen and then discuss all the ensuing complications?

An interesting thing happened as I pondered the whole scenario. When I would picture her kissing me, my arms would tingle and my stomach had butterflies. I was so shocked by that reaction to this idea and wondered what that might mean. I considered it a fluke and went on thinking about other things. Yet whenever I considered a kiss, there was the tingling and butterflies again. Weird.

Then the moment arrived. I could tell she wanted to kiss me, the opportunity was prime for it, and I knew I could either let it happen or stop it from happening. I determined I was okay either way, regardless of the tingles and butterflies, and left it up to her. She determined it was something she wanted to do, and so she came over to me and kissed me.

I don't recall ever feeling so much electricity and instant passion as I did that moment. I felt ignited. And so utterly surprised. Wow. I knew this was not going to be a passing fancy that we could just discuss and put behind us. This was the beginning of relationship.

It's been amazing, actually. This morning (back to the shower) I was pondering about how well she fits my desires for a woman in a relationship with me, how awesome it has been, and how perfect it feels to be with her. I thought about how much I'm learning and how much I am growing and changing. I recalled my conversation with the Lord in October and it struck me how that had come to fruition.

I wonder when I'll quit being amazed that He does that. I wonder when I'll quit being shocked that this is my path.

Here's a familiar word: Trust.

A Letter to My Ward

2011-12-06T10:33:00.003-07:00

(Many of you will recognize a few places where it sounds like Mitch's post from November 2010. There are a few reasons for this. 1) We have a common experience, 2) He's an awesome example.)

I have been a member of this ward for 8 years. I have loved you and you have loved me and you have loved my children. I have been convinced this is the best ward on earth. I have seen you loving and accepting to all those around us, come to the aid of those in need, and one of our best Christmases as a family was at the hand of several donations from you ward members. You are all amazing people with huge hearts and capacity to love and support. You epitomize "...and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort..." (Mosiah 18:8-9)

You have seen me in your midst nearly every week. You have heard me share my testimony of the Savior, the Priesthood, the Atonement, and of the Gospel. You have seen tears in my eyes as the spirit has touched me while I taught or while I listened to your testimonies or lessons. I have shared insight in your classes and have reportedly touched the lives of others. You know who I am.

But many of you do not realize that I am gay. A lesbian. Right here in your midst. You have touched my hand, you have embraced me, and you have greeted me with love and affection. You have told me how amazing my children are, you have told me I have a great smile, you have thanked me for sharing my experiences and adding to your lessons, you have told me you appreciate the spirit I bring to church. Will you still touch me, embrace me, greet me warmly, compliment me, or see that I still bring a good spirit to church? Will you still want to call on me in meetings?

Remember that time from the pulpit you called all lesbians villains? I was there and I felt the sting. Remember that time you spoke to the youth and said homosexuality was disgusting and a disgrace? My son was there to hear how you felt about his mother. Even months later, he remembers those words more than he remembers anything else you said that day. Remember that time you said in Sunday School that anyone who violates the law of chastity is a bad person? I was there, and even after attempting to talk to you later to help you see that sometimes it’s so complicated and that sometimes even a very good person can get to a point where they just aren’t sure what else to do, you walked away in disgust.

Yet I’m still the same sister you have loved. I’ve been your Gospel Doctrine teacher for five years. I’ve been your Relief Society teacher. I’ve been your visiting teacher and you’ve been mine. You’ve been in my home and I’ve been in yours. I’ve probably served you in some way and you have likely served me. I am indeed your sister in the Gospel.

Discussing honestly with members of the church concerning who I am has seldom been a good experience. In my home, my mother hated all things gay and made it clear she was disgusted by it. I have been told by Church leaders that I am unworthy of ever taking the Sacrament or going to the temple, even if I had not acted on my feelings. I have spent many months being denied blessings of the temple and the sacrament because I would not – could not – pretend my feelings of attraction to women did not exist. I have been told that I will never work with the youth of the Church. I have seen friends excommunicated for their feelings, some of those times even without having acted upon them.

Yet I have remained a part of this Church because I know it is true, I know it is Christ’s Gospel. I know here is where is found the most truth and the ordinances required to return to Him. I belong here in this Church. This is not an easy choice many times. But these experiences and my remaining with the Church have molded me into who I am today. I am so grateful for who I am and what I am, including being gay. I have learned compassion, understanding, patience, and a dependence upon the Lord I may never have developed otherwise.

My attractions to women are not a choice. I did not wake up one morning and decide to be gay, nor have I ever woken up to choose this. In fact I prayed and prayed for it to be removed from me. It is a part of my being, just as being a member of this Gospel is a part of my being. In the words of Mitch Mayne, another openly gay Latter-day Saint, “Both things are intertwined into the DNA of my soul so deeply that you could not extricate one from the other without destroying who I am. They are, in fact, who I am.I am a gay Latter Day Saint.”

He continues: "I don’t want pity. To pity me is to make me a victim. I want understanding. To understand me, is to love me as an equal.

I don’t want tolerance. If I am tolerated, I am disliked or feared in some way. I want respect as a fellow striving child of God—an equal in His eyes.

I don’t want acceptance. To accept me is to graciously grant me the favor of your company. To accept me is to marginalize me with the assumption that I am less than you. I am your peer. I am neither above you nor below you.

I don’t want judgment. My path may be different than yours, but it is a plan built for me by a power greater than any of us. To judge me is to judge the designer of that path.

I don’t want to be labeled as ‘afflicted’ or ‘suffering’ or ‘struggling.’ I do not have an illness that requires my soul be mended. I want to be recognized, like you, as a whole person, just as my Heavenly Father made me. I have suffered no affliction by His hand; I have, however, suffered affliction at the hands of others, including my brothers and sisters in the gospel.

I do not want to be viewed as a mistake. My path on this Earth was prescribed uniquely for me, just as yours was for you. It was designed to give me the experiences I need to grow as a child of my Heavenly Father. To view me as a mistake is to view Him as a maker of mistakes.”

So what do I want? I want to be loved as if this new information given to you changes nothing. Because it doesn’t. I am the same person you have loved and welcomed for the past eight years. I was gay then, I am gay now. I was an active member of the church then, I’m an active member of the Church now. I had a testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel then, I have a testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel now.

I want to be able to come to church and not hear that you see me as a villain or that you see me as disgusting or a disgrace and that you do not see me as a bad person. I want to know you will not fear me, my attention, or my friendship. I have no desire to have an inappropriate relationship with you, I want only to have a friendship. I will not harm your children. I will not convince you to sin or vote for same-sex marriage. I will not threaten your own marriage and in fact will honor it and support it with all my being. I do not have an “agenda” other than to be treated with kindness and respect.

At the beginning of November I met a bishop from Illinois, Kevin Kloosterman. He is famous on the Internet and in some circles because of what he said during a conference at that time. It touched me so deeply, I need to share some of it.

“You and I know that I can’t speak on behalf of the church tonight, but I can speak on behalf of myself. I want to tell you, if you leave here not remembering anything I have to say, remember this: I’m sorry. Deeply, deeply sorry.
...
As you know very well, the stories that have been written, your own stories, are extremely painful. Some have called it a tragedy. I call it an atrocity, what has happened. And as I read these stories and as I learned more about these issues, I began to see the emotional wounds and the scars that many of you still have today. And I seem to ask the question, ‘Where did you get these wounds?’ and unfortunately the answer was, ’In the house of my friends.’ And when I felt that answer, I grieved and wept as any parent would for their own child. It felt like I could not be comforted.”

Healing words like those are what I long to hear. I have been a member of this ward for 8 years. I have loved you and you have loved me and you have loved my children. You have seen me in your midst nearly every week. You have heard me share my testimony of the Savior, the Priesthood, the Atonement, and of the Gospel. You have seen tears in my eyes as the spirit has touched me while I taught or while I listened to your testimonies or lessons. I have shared insight in your classes and have reportedly touched the lives of others.

Now you know who I am. Love me.

My Questioning Testimony

2011-12-04T12:01:00.005-07:00

I recently took a beliefnet religion quiz to see how I came out on the scale of churches. I have taken this quiz previously, albeit mindlessly for the most part, and always come out Mormon. This time I thought about what I really and deeply believe about things, including homosexuality, and came out Liberal Christian. Not surprised.

This morning I took another quiz about What Kind of Mormon Are You? and came out Misfit Mormon. Another non surprise.

I got to church late this morning and in the rush totally forgot it was fast Sunday. This was such a total forgetting that when the Bishop announced the time was for us to bear our testimonies, I said to My Girl and My Roommate, "How come?" I had eaten and felt remotely bad I had done so. This testimony meeting wasn't one of the best with a few long winded people standing up to give us talks and not much time for real testimonies. I pondered my own.

Lately I've had some questions. Serious and deep ones. I'm not sure about the Celestial Kingdom, what it entails, what is required to get there, and specifically what is expected of Kim to be there. I have such a hard time seeing the Lord I know saying at the door (I'm sure there's not really a door ... maybe I'm not sure about that, either) "I'm sorry. You were a good person and all that, but you just didn't quite make it. Love you, bye" as the door closes in my face. According to our beliefs, he'd have to do that to me because I have relationships with women and also to Mother Teresa because she wasn't LDS. Really, what mortal gave more than she? And yet she won't "make it" because of her belief system, which includes a life spent in His service? Does. Not. Fit. Nor does it feel very good.

And what about families? This is a family oriented church. Yet my friend from work is a great mother to her two beautiful children who adore her and she adores them. She's not LDS, so when they all die, they won't be a family anymore cuz they weren't sealed cuz they weren't LDS? I picture her having been gone when her now 11 year old son passes away in 100 years and meeting her on the other side of the veil (yes, I still believe in that) and being embraced by her and he embracing her because she is his mother. They will have spent years missing each other, but they'll be reunited. Even if they never become LDS. To assume they won't be a family any longer because they did not choose to be LDS ... Does. Not. Fit. Nor does it feel very good.

Then there's excommunication. Seems pretty punitive, coming from a loving God and a loving church. Really? Aren't we all grown ups? Whatever happened to natural consequences? It just doesn't seem like the Lord I know would say to me that I just couldn't do it right, so out you go. Again ... doesn't fit nor feel good. Sure, take away some privileges like the temple, the sacrament, callings, contributing in meetings. But kicking someone out? A bit extreme ... maybe?

So much I don't know or understand anymore. Well, really only those three points, other than the entire subject of homosexuality itself. But that's another novel, I'm sure. But there are some things I do know, without a doubt. I was pondering those things today during sacrament. Let's see if I can put words to them. Keep in mind this list is not all inclusive at this point.

1 - Heavenly Father is a God of love, kindness, and mercy.

2 - God knows us by name.

3 - Christ died for us, and this means so much more than any of us can understand.

4 - The Priesthood is real.

5 - Joseph Smith did indeed see God and Jesus Christ.

6 - The spirit speaks to our hearts, to all of our hearts, whether we are "obedient" or not.

7 - God wants us to return to Him. He loves us beyond our comprehension or understanding.

8 - Ezra Taft Benson was a true prophet of God. I think this means that those who have followed him are as well, but that has to be confirmed to me on a deeper level at this point. But President Benson. Not a question in my mind. President Monson is definitely the current leader and a very great and giving man.

9 - The Lord has much more to reveal to the world.

10 - There are many paths to the same destination and the Lord allows us those paths, teaching us and guiding us no matter where we are.

11 - Sin exists and the Lord will tell us when we have committed a sin.

12 - The Lord allows us mistakes because He has created an infinite and perfect Atonement.

13 - While being a good, thoughtful, kind, and giving person counts in the long run, His love is not dependent upon our actions, and neither are some blessings. He blesses us because he loves us.

So it appears I have some continued soul searching to do, some spiritual truths to discover. I speak to Him a lot about all of this. I know he'll answer me in His time and the way he answers me. The answers will come as I seek them. I guess that's another thing I know.

14 - He answers our prayers.

oh, and...

15 - We are all of infinite value in His eyes. His literal children and knowing that makes a difference.

Again, there's so much more I could add to this list. Bottom line, I suppose, is that I'm a Questioning Misfit Mormon who happens to be a Liberal Christian; a Liberal Christian who believes in Joseph Smith, the Priesthood, and living prophets.

A misfit for sure.

Hope

2011-11-25T20:34:00.004-07:00

I've had a lot to consider lately. Seems it's time for me to learn a lot, yet again. I want to talk about some of it in detail, but fear that what I have to say will hurt someone, and I don't much like doing that. For all I know, they don't read my blog anymore. But this is my blog and it's about what I'm learning, so it's going to include my perceptions, naturally.

My last relationship was a difficult one at times. She'd break up with me often, most times for something rather ridiculous. My friends and loved ones wondered why I'd keep going back. I'm not sure why I did other than when things were good with her, they were really good. Unfortunately, those were not often enough or long lasting enough. So when she broke up with me at the end of October because I wanted to spend more time with her (three times in one month wasn't enough for me), I was finally done, no more to take it all back and change my mind. I had to make a list of things that troubled me about the "relationship" in order to keep my mind in that place. I had gotten in the habit of settling, apparently.

Another woman came along recently and surprisingly. We were having lunch the other day and my last relationship came up in the discussion. She wondered what would keep me from going back, and so I shared the list with her. She then asked what makes her (the new woman) appealing to me. Interestingly, I could use that list in the opposite.

Yet, there are complications that make even this scenario less than ideal. A few things need to be worked out and will require some patience and hard work. But I've learned something incredibly valuable and it's given me hope. I've learned that there is no need to settle for something less than what I want in a relationship. No need to assume someone who doesn't love me as I need is all there is.

I am currently practicing patience and trying to work things out and let this new woman do the same. And in the meantime I am loving that I can really be loved by someone who is honest, kind, gives time, loves affection, includes me with their friends and family, longs to spend time with me, calls me, is loving, is unselfish, shares her thoughts and feelings, sticks it out when things are tough, clarifies instead of twists my words, honors where I am with boundaries and personal values, loves My Roommate, would never say an unkind thing to me or about me, and is interested in what's important to me. It's been refreshing to know someone can talk to me freely and allow me to ask questions, is passionate, allows me to see how she interacts with her family (and I love how she does), is sensitive, doesn't judge my family or friends, does fun things, and communicates well.

Even if this doesn't get worked out for some strange reason, I know what I need and what I ask for is actually possible, and it doesn't make me demanding or hard to love, and surely doesn't make me someone to be thrown away.

Loving new experiences.

Marriage & Packaging

2011-11-17T16:48:00.004-07:00

I've had questions of late. Questions related to my sexual behaviors with women. It seems with my first girlfriend when I was 19 years old, I felt a lot of fear, but not necessarily guilt. I lived with my parents and my mother was quite a frightening woman when it came to certain subjects and scenarios, and lesbianism was top of the most frightening of all. With my second girlfriend at the age of 20, I don't recall feeling a lot of guilt and even considered myself worthy to serve a mission. Until I got to the MTC and then I began to question and doubt. I didn't have any sexual activity with women again until I was 27. Then the guilt was amazingly difficult to ignore and get rid of. Yet, with the last girlfriend I had for this past year, I didn't feel the guilt.

Enter a ton of questions in my mind.

I've talked to Heavenly Father about that. A lot. Wanted to make sure I was not "past feeling" or something. I never got a feeling I was, so I kept asking what it all meant for me and my life, not to mention my belief in the law of chastity. So this new experience brought me a very clear answer, so clear in fact, I wonder how I missed it. My sexual relationships beginning when I was 27 and on were when either I or she was married. Marriage means something to me, my psyche, and my integrity. I can't violate that. I am grateful for not only the reminder, but also the answer to a serious question I've had for quite some time.

I love it when experiences can be answers.

This latest experience is still teaching me many things and I'm grateful for it. One of those lessons has to do with souls and the packages they come in. I've struggled with the packaging of others for years and now I get to process that all anew. Pretty exciting. Keep reading my blog and maybe some day this "packaging idea" will actually make sense - as I keep processing and learning.

In the meantime, remember Regina Spektor's profound statement from "Folding Chair" ...

"I've got a perfect body, though sometimes I forget."

Quote

2011-11-09T08:15:00.001-07:00

For some reason, this quote from the book I'm currently reading spoke to me. Thought I'd share.

“I'd been so fascinated by the notion, that I'd forgotten to measure what it was bringing forth. I'd been asleep, dreaming.”
― Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man

Bishop Called Me In ...

2011-11-07T16:54:00.003-07:00

I was asked to go in to see the bishop yesterday at 2:00. I didn't have to guess what it may really be about. It's been more than a year since I told him I had acted on my feelings and he's not really met with me about it since. Figured he probably wanted to know what was up with me. I was right.

I hope I can do the visit justice by presenting my thoughts here. I hope I don't forget anything important.

After discussion about my wonderful and nearly perfect children, he asked how I was doing and how I was feeling about my spirituality. I told him I felt like I was pretty okay in that regard. He asked how my latest revelation to him concerning my behaviors was going. I told him I was not currently acting on my feelings, but that was merely because I was not with anyone, but was honest in saying I was open to the option if it ever came up. I made it clear I was not necessarily actively seeking another relationship, but if one came my way, I was not likely to turn it down.

He asked about my testimony about the gospel and I let him know I still have one. I know the Book of Mormon is the word of God, I know the Priesthood is real, I know President Monson is a prophet, I believe the Joseph Smith story. I told him I still have morning and evening prayers with my family and morning scriptures with them, and that we try to have family home evening. I said I indeed am still an active and believing member of this church, but am not currently living a certain law. And I added that I understood it was a pretty big law.

I told him my feelings about the law of chastity and how it feels like there's a double standard. For gay and lesbian members, the expectation is that we will be forever alone and celibate. He asked me if I thought the Lord should have two different standards. I said I did not see God that way and thought He was much more fair and merciful than that. And further, why would I be asked to do more than another member of the church? I'm no stronger than they are and seriously, how many people on this planet can live a celibate life? I told him I'd wish it on no one. I went on a little rant about how unfair this whole thing is. How the church and Evergreen teach that if we try hard enough and really want change, it will come. I told him that's just a plain lie for most of us. I let him know that I spent many years working with all my might to change this and it was never changed. I feel as gay today as I did when I was 19 and 25 years old. I mentioned My Roommate, whom he knows well, and said if someone as wonderful and righteous and who lives a nearly perfect life as she does has the feelings remain, what hope is there for me? I told him she'd been seeing a guy who used to be in our ward and that even though he's a nice enough guy, she feels nothing for him beyond friendship. Even she cannot find natural inclinations, leading to her own heartbreak.

He asked about how I was doing without a calling. I told him I missed it so much, missed teaching, missed serving. I missed taking the sacrament, missed the temple. (I should add here that you can probably guess - anyone who knows me - that I was crying for most of this meeting). He told me he usually assists people to the "next step" in the repentance process and wondered how to get me to that next step. I told him I wasn't sure because even if I get there, I'm not any different than I was last year. I'm still gay, still desiring connection, still wishing for that depth of intimacy. I said I've tried for years to be different, but it just doesn't come. I explained that when we turn to the Lord of Miracles in our trials, he removes them, changes them, makes us stronger. But for this one ... it's so short lived and to what end? To remain empty and alone the rest of my life? I reminded him I used to pray every day to have this removed from me and one day was told by the spirit I was to pray to endure as it would not be removed in this life time.

He asked what I felt he should do for me. I asked him what the spirit was telling him to do. He said, "As your bishop and judge in Israel, I have a responsibility ..." and I interrupted him. I said, "Is this the spirit or the handbook?" He said, "Both. I've consulted both." There were many times in this meeting he sat quiet with his eyes closed, his fingers on his forehead. This was one of them.

After a moment, he asked me what I would do if I were excommunicated. Would I still go to church? I said I would, til the end of my days. However, I wondered if I were excommunicated, when would it end. He asked what I meant. I said a straight person can have an affair, get a divorce, live with that person, and then get married to that same person they sinned with. Then they have the option of being rebaptized a year later, while staying sexually active and intimately connected with that "sinful" partner. "When would it end for me and how would that end look?" He looked at me. I said, "Only when I can decide I am fine with being alone and empty the rest of my days. Right now, I can't do that. Excommunicating me won't change that. The only thing accomplished by that is we would then make it official that I just can't do it."

More pausing as he pondered. I added that I cannot start a repentance process when I am not convinced I wouldn't do it again. I told him that didn't feel very honest to me. He agreed. I told him I've been disfellowshipped twice and I don't plan to keep up with the same pattern. He asked what I had to do to regain full fellowship when I was disfellowshipped. I told him I had to attend my meetings, study my scriptures, meet with the bishop often, and cut ties with the woman I had been with. I then added that the latter requirement seemed to indicate the woman was somehow the only temptation and once I got rid of her, I'd be fine. I pointed out that was just not the case. I reminded him I've gone 11 years with no inappropriate contact with women and I'm still just as gay as I was before I tried that route.

He asked how my spirituality has been since I acted on my feelings. I told him honestly I was confused about that because everyone, including me, expects one to be sad and downtrodden, guilty and gloomy when they sin. But since letting go of the expectations and just being me, I have felt more peace and comfort. I added that living the law of chastity feels dark, lonely, and empty to me and it's something I can't seem to do at this point.

So the poor man has no idea what to do with me. He asked what he could do to help me and I said, "Love me anyway." He said, "I hope you know I do." Then I said I was sure I was his greatest trial. He said, "If you were my greatest trial, I'd be an ecstatic bishop."

He said a prayer with me and I went on my way. I don't know what the future holds. If he does hold a court, I think it'll be because he feels he has to and has no other options. And I think he'll be just like a parent ... it'll hurt him more than it'll hurt me.

Fixes and Cures

2011-11-03T19:32:00.009-06:00

Sidebar: I'm writing a novel for National Novel Writing Month. Pretty fun since my secret wish is to actually become a well paid published author. I'm not about writing the great American novel by now cuz I don't even know what that is, but I do want to publish a best selling one. We'll see how this one goes ... Day three, 4465 words.
What's really been on my mind lately is support. As many of you know, I run an online email based support group (Disciples2 for men, Voicings for Women, Families for obviously families). They were created by me in 1994 to support those with same-sex attraction who wanted to stay true to the church. They've been fairly successful for all these years. In fact, not too many years ago, a certain organization called me in and asked to actually run Voicings because it was the only womens support group to last as long and remain integritous to its initial intent. But the catch would be they get to make new rules about it. Uh ... no. Sorry. I'll keep it the way it is, which might just be why it's successful. Right? So they created their own group, and I say more power to them.

Anyway, some support groups are created to support those looking for a cure to their feelings, a reason for them so they can fix it. So many are convinced homosexuality is something that can be cured and they coming up with possible reasons we are attracted to the same gender. It could be that we just haven't accepted who we are as women. Or we're too emotionally drawn to another woman. Or it's just the excitement and euphoria we want and it feels like we're filling a need. Or we have mother issues. Or we are attracted to the traits we think we lack.

I'm not dissing those ideas here, because I'm smart enough to know there's an awful lot I don't know or understand. Maybe those ideas really are true for some people. But couldn't it be true that some of us are just plain old attracted to our own gender? Does there have to be some deep seeded reason we are like this, as if it's some flaw or mental impairment? Sometimes I tire of the idea that if we just fix whatever we think and feel we'll be all straight and better one day. Or if we were raised better by more loving and patient parents.

I think it's like a bell graph and the people convinced we can get better are actually the ones in the smaller parts of the bell, when the rest of us belong squarely in the middle. Meaning most of us are just this way and there's no "fixing" to be had.

This doesn't mean, of course, that I am saying we all need to run out and have a sexual relationship with someone. I'm still all for those who can remain celibate while remaining truly and deeply gay. I just get tired of people trying to fix us all.

I'm not broken.

This Won't Make Sense, I Promise

2011-10-26T21:16:00.000-06:00

I think feelings are interesting things. And I wonder if we should live our lives by those, or do we live our lives by our heads. What is the best route? I think about some people I know who are "head" people, and they seem sort of ... stifled ... rigid ... unaware of what is available cuz they're so busy thinking about what ifs and what mights and what could bes. Then I think about those who are "feeling" people, and they seem sort of ... flighty ... ungrounded ... easily whisked here and there, smiling all the while but not really choosing.

Thoughts can be managed, turned off, tuned into. Feelings can surely be tuned into as well, but managing them and turning them off are a bit more difficult. Especially when unexpected.

So obviously the answer is somewhere in the middle. How does one find a middle when they're not even sure where either edge is?

In my mind I can find resolve and the ability to be sure I won't fall for "old tricks" again. In my heart I'm swayed by a smile or a word. In my mind I understand how things play out and why. In my heart I'm just hurt by how things play out, to hell with the why.

A coworker called her husband today to bawl him out for texting her "I told you so." I wondered why that was so important to do when it surely isn't productive, lifting, or helpful to their relationship. Surely she could find something better to do with the energy directed at him. Again, I may see why she did it, but thinking about where he was, does that even matter? All about emotion.

Another coworker had lunch with her ex-husband and had a talk with him about their future together, which he wants and she's afraid of - after all, it already failed once, didn't it? Nothing was determined, but they talked and were clear with each other. No need to wonder why someone said this or did that. All about thinking.

Middle ground? Coworker one can try some compassion and understanding. Coworker two can take risks. But here I am, an outsider, sure I can see answers for others. What do I really know about the inner workings of either dyad? I can't even figure out how to successfully maneuver my own dyads.

So ... do I follow my head and keep running away cuz my heart has been hurt enough, and I really do deserve to be treated better? Or do I follow my feelings and keep trying again and again and risk being tossed out for the 100th time cuz my head understands why things happen as they do? Wonder what middle ground looks like here ...

I do know I have a definition of "relationship" that has yet to be met by some who claims to have/want one with me. Maybe until that definition can be even remotely reached, I just go along, paying attention with the head, keeping the heart sheltered, and look at the other options available. Whatever will be, will be, and whatever fits will fit, and whatever doesn't won't. I'm certain one day, someone will find that definition equally fulfilling and simple. That'll be when my heart will once again be available. Until then ... my head has to take over.

Told you it wouldn't make sense. :)

If Only I Were Willing to Try ...

2011-10-22T11:03:00.000-06:00

There's a conference coming up ... oh, wait, it's today.

A Conference "Foundation for Attraction Research Conference," co-sponsored by AMCAP and LDS Family Services, and will be held Saturday, October 22, 2011 at the LDS church owned Joseph Smith Memorial Building. Attendees will receive a copy of the book, Understanding Same-Sex Attraction, authored by some of the presenters.

I am not here to disrespect anyone's work. Especially since, if long time readers may recall, this would have interested me a few years ago. What I'm really struggling with is that free book ...

Readers looking for a book that supports the idea of homosexuality being an innate part of one's identity will not be interested in Understanding Same-Sex Attraction: Where to Turn and How to Help. Instead, the authors of this book assert the unpopular opinion, backed by scientific research, that same-sex attraction can be lessened or eradicated in those who desire change and are willing to try.

Notice the cleverly written caveat here. "... can be lessened or eradicated in those who desire change and are willing to try." This leaves room for them to say to those who have not had their feelings "lessened or eradicated" that they didn't truly "desire change" or were not "willing to try." While this is convenient to their stand, it is quite a frightening prospect for those who so badly want change and try so very hard, and yet find no change in their attractions or feelings. What about those people? Can you imagine how they would feel when they hear this stipulation? "Maybe I don't want it as badly as I think I do." Or "Maybe I've not tried hard enough." What awful feelings of self-doubt, self-recrimination, not to mention the effect on one's self esteem.

Consider one's relationship with the Lord and how difficult it is to feel the spirit when they are filled with doubt and a low self-esteem. JonJon shared this very thing not long ago on his blog, Listening To Who I Am. I hope he doesn't mind me quoting him, but he says it so very well.

I experienced a lot of fear and self doubt, disconnect from self and others and from God as a result of keeping myself safely concealed in a dark and isolated closet. I experience my attraction to men as a very real and natural part of myself, certainly not something I chose. In trying to shut down that part of myself, I didn't realize how much I was disconnecting myself from...myself. I learned early on not to trust my feelings or my instincts because I quickly observed from the culture I grew up in that what I did feel wasn't appropriate. It quickly became very easy to start doubting any other feelings or instincts I had, and that's where the disconnect from self began.

From there the disconnect spreads from relationship with self to relationships with others. Life becomes a game of not letting anyone get too close, for fear that they'll discover the secret. If you're really determined to keep the secret, you distance yourself from anything you might naturally find enjoyment in for fear of it being percieved as "too gay". No one is able to know the real you because you've become so disconnected from yourself that you don't even know the real you.

The disconnect from self and from others naturally leads to a disconnect from the spirit or whatever you find speaks truth to your soul. I believe my relationship with my Father in Heaven is heavily informed by the quality of my relationships with those around me. Feeling a detachment from self and others naturally leads to feeling a detachment from God and from truth.

How can something that leads to this disconnect be "the answer"? I had experienced the same thing in my life. I tried so hard to concentrate on the positive, the blessings (which were quite prevalent), the feelings of the spirit, the peace in following "the right path". But there was still so much struggle to feel connected because of this feeling that my attractions made me so different, so wrong, and so bad in the eyes of others, even those who were supposedly there to be a support to me in my efforts to live the law of chastity regardless. It just isn't really there if your feelings remain. And ultimately, it's quite lonely.

I don't mean we need to give up the desire to remain true to our religious convictions or that we need to throw the idea out that feelings can diminish. Of course they can. However, it's much more true to be sure to let people know that not only may this not be healthy for some people, this may not be a permanent diminishing, and if those feelings don't change, that's okay too. It just seems much simpler, healthier, and even Christlike to spend time and energy in supporting people in their desire to not act on their feelings, even if they never change, than to give people a promise that they will change if they "really want it and try hard enough." Let's be honest and real, not offer promises that apply to so few and may not even be life lasting in those few.

Maybe that's part of my issue - maybe the biggest part - with this party line. It's exclusive and applies to few. My Roommate is a very Lord centered individual. She's YW president, attends the temple regularly, says her prayers every night, studies her scriptures, is faithful and good and true, has never had sexual relations with a woman. Yet her attraction to women remains. There's even a nice guy interested in her - very much so - and she just can't seem to feel anything but friendship for him, even though she'd like to feel more. She's had therapy for years, individual and group, she's obeyed her priesthood leaders, and she remains "same-sex attracted" as much now at 38 as she was at 25. And to assume that she just didn't desire enough or wasn't willing to try enough is offensive.

It doesn't feel like a God-driven message to me.

Quote

2011-10-21T07:52:00.000-06:00

The unfriendly assumptions of others about who we are weaken our soul's resolve if we allow them to magnify, because in doing so it will inversely diminish our perspective of who we can be. Life's infinite possibilities are discovered only by those who freed themselves from the bondage of self-doubt. - by Dodinsky

- - clever title here - -

2011-10-20T09:54:00.000-06:00

There are things about me that bother other people. I'm blunt, which is offensive to some. I'm flirty, which gives some the wrong impression and they either run away screaming or they assume we're dating, neither of which are accurate reactions. I'm open, which gives people the impression that I have no boundaries. I'm serious, which people assume means I'm either judgmental or bossy or controlling. I'm curious, leading some to feel that I'm too interested or nosy. I'm sure the list could go on and on, and I bet most of us could come up with a list about ourselves that bugs other people.

When I am forming a new friendship, I do so quite tentatively, because I know that most of those qualities above (and those not mentioned) will crop up, and likely one of them will chase them away. I joke with my very close and long time friends that they need to write a book "Kim 101" to help those I'd like to be friends with actually deal with me and ride the waves in order to form a deep and abiding relationship with me, which I hear is quite rewarding.

I've had three significant friendship losses this year. Perhaps what makes them significant in my mind is that I have no idea what exactly changed any of those relationships, though I have guesses. My former BFF got pretty scared that she was having certain feelings for me and so she did what she had to do to get rid of that. Or it could be she was afraid her male BFF was judging her for her close friendship with me. Or ... I still have to guess. The other two losses I am pretty sure are due to the same source: someone who no longer likes me because I basically rejected her said untruths about me, and somehow my two friends believed them. Which baffles me. But again, I'm guessing. They didn't tell me why things changed with us. But the timing is suspicious ...

Sometimes I think I must be tough to love. Yet there are those who do, and they love me deeply. Are they just special? Maybe they're just patient. :)

We all wish we could be important enough for all those reasons people end friendships, imagined or real, to be insignificant enough that a friendship with us will survive and be maintained. But it doesn't always happen and we get to deal with loss and pain. We agreed to this mortal stuff, after all. After my mom died, I kept reminding myself I agreed to mortality and I knew ahead of time I'd experience this loss. I realized, though, that I don't think before we came here we had any remote inkling what that loss would really feel like. We agreed to it because it was right and we knew it would be part and parcel of getting us back to our Father, but we had no idea really what it meant.

So I miss my friends some days. And every day I'm so grateful for those who have stuck by me for years, and worked through any tough moment together with me, and still love me today. I am so very, very blessed that I can count at least 5 who count as that kind of friend. The fact that I have at least 5 people in my life (not including family) who have loved me deeply for years, still love me, and I know they will keep loving me ... that's amazing, and it does help to ease some of the rejection I feel from those who couldn't make it to that list.

Watch for Kim 101 to be published soon. :)

Happy Gay Orthodox Mormon Here

2011-10-17T08:52:00.000-06:00

Yesterday's Relief Society lesson was on the Law of Chastity. I was the most outspoken of the "audience". Not because I disagree with it, but because I think it's a highly important topic. Many came up and thanked me for my comments, some said they love how I think "so deeply" about things, and the teacher said she loves my comments because they show "life experience" or "real thought" about the topic.

So it leads one to wonder, at least from those who know, how someone who is so adamant about the law of chastity can violate it. The answer would be complicated, ~~I think~~ I'm sure. And I'm fairly confident I can't do any of the explanation any justice at all. I think I can bottom line it by saying it's all about my belief and dependence on the Atonement.

There's been some discussion, on blogs I no longer visit because I tire of the negativity, that one cannot be gay, orthodox LDS, and happy. This, of course, comes from someone who constantly demeans the church and those who are strong believers and has spent so much energy in trying to show the "errors" of the leaders that it now borders on ridiculous. I surely don't need that kind of energy in my life. I love the church, I love the leaders, I love the gospel, I love the principles. I'll stick with like minded energy, which feels light and good to me. Edifies me. Maybe that's another bottom line about why I stay in the church - it's where I feel edified.

Obviously I am gay and obviously I am LDS. You'll have to take my word for the fact that I'm happy. Orthodox. Hmm.... I think I am. It's defined as

following traditional doctrine: following the established or traditional rules of a political or religious belief, a philosophy, or a way of life
somebody who has traditional beliefs: a follower of traditional or established beliefs or rules, or a member of an Orthodox denomination

Seems to fit me. I follow the belief, the philosophy, the way of life except for one expected behavior. I'm a member of this denomination - thus far - and will remain so even if I end up excommunicated. Does this one law I don't currently abide make me not orthodox? To me, orthodox is more about firm belief, which I have.

This idea that one can't be happy, gay and orthodox was also presented with a side idea that the only way one can be happy and gay is to twist some of the beliefs and call it personal revelation. That's not how it is for me. As stated above, I believe in the law of chastity. I also know that at this point in my life, I'm not living it. Not because of some personal revelation that says it doesn't apply to me. It's actually for many reasons - but I am so sure in the Atonement, so positive that the Lord is merciful and good and kind, so convinced that He is understanding and knows me better than I know myself, that I am feeling pretty okay about where I am right now.

Add to this the fact that my recent choices have not brought me to the depths of despair, have not caused a loss of the spirit, and have in fact brought me feelings of peace and fulfillment, rest and life ... I'm just going to trust Him, and trust in the Atonement for my mortal traits.

As any orthodox LDS person does.

My Son

2011-09-21T09:29:00.000-06:00

My Oldest (he's almost 21) lives with his dad in a town about 45 miles away. I don't hear from him very much at all. He doesn't answer my texts, he doesn't call, he visits about once every 3 months when he comes to see his sister or brother - or it's Mothers Day. He also hasn't told me he loves me except for twice in the last 10 years, I think, and one of those times was by accident. (I was having a very tough day, he came to ask what was wrong while petting my cat, I told him what was wrong and said, "At least my kitty loves me," to which he said, "I love you, too." He looked as shocked as I did for saying it out loud.)

So last night after I was already in bed and reading a chapter in my book, I got a text saying "You busy?" I said no and within a minute, he was calling me. My first thought was that he was struggling with something and needed to talk to someone - we used to talk at all hours of the night when he lived with me.

He: I just wanted to call.

Me: I'm glad you did.

He: So how are you?

Me: Fine. I'm old now (referencing my birthday the previous day).

He: I know. Um. I've been worried about you. Since I came to visit last time I have been worried and wanted to make sure you're ok. Spiritually.

Me: I'm good. I'm doing my best to stay close to the Lord.

He: You're saying that, but I don't know if I believe it. I know I don't say it, but I love you cuz you're my mom. And I've never told you, but you're the greatest example in my life of overcoming sexual transgression. I don't want to lose that example.

Me: Thanks for saying that. I really am still going to church, I still know it's true and I love the gospel, and I really am trying to stay close to the Lord. I'm not going anywhere.

He: Good. I was so worried you were falling away from the church.

Me: I'm not going to do that, I promise.

He: Can you go to the temple?

Me: Not at this point, but I'm still talking to the bishop about things.

He: [sounding relieved] That's good to hear.

We went on to talk about his schooling - he graduates in Feb. He told me he bore his testimony for the first time in church (he has been less active for the last 5 years). Then he told me he'll be ready to go on a mission after he graduates and plans to do so within 7 months from now. This is a boy with social anxiety who at 19 decided a mission wasn't for him.

After that conversation I'm thinking I can't call him "boy" any more ...

Leaving the Church

2011-09-07T09:07:00.000-06:00

No, I'm not leaving the church. But watch my stats go up now with a title like that!

The fact that so many do leave the church has been on my mind lately. It's something that keeps coming up for me and has for years. (See former posts: True Blue Literal Believer, Why I Attend Church, Willing vs Tired, to name a few). A few weeks ago a sister shared in Sunday School about hanging out with friends at Bear Lake, a few of the couples active LDS and one couple no longer LDS. She was saying she had time alone with the wife of the latter couple and asked why she had left the church. The sister said she told her why and they had a good discussion about it. I found myself wanting to ask her what reason that friend gave for leaving. Because it fascinates me.

I've seen people leave because they were offended by something someone did or said, quite often a Bishop or other leader. Even a certain apostle. I dreamt the other night I was telling someone "If I hear one more negative comment from the pulpit about homosexuality, it's over. I'm leaving." I chuckled when I awoke because that is simply not true. I thought about times I was offended by someone. (I just looked for a post about a man in sacrament meeting saying homsexuals [particularly lesbians] are villains - repeatedly, but can't find it. Did I not share that?!) A bishop who refused me my recommend until I could tell him I denounced my SSA feelings, not based on actions at all. A woman who walked up to me in church and said my husband (at the time) was a saint for staying married to me. I could go on. But why in Tartarus would I allow someone as shallow and small as them to decide if I'm going to church or not? Obviously, since I still go, I wouldn't. Because I have a testimony of the truthfulness of it and I like going sometimes. If those two things weren't in place, I'd definitely use the fact that a bishop was a butt as a reason to walk away. But the reason would ulitmately be because I didn't have a testimony and didn't even want to be there, and would have nothing to do with Bishop Butt.

I see a lot of homosexuals leave because they have acted on their feelings. I am not sure exactly why that would be a reason to leave, other than shame, fear of the repentance process, not understanding the Atonement, thinking they like acting out and why change, etc. So many options, I suppose. Yet, I don't believe my acting on my feelings, and my continued acting on my feelings, is something that need keep me from church. I told the bishop, he took my recommend, I lost my calling, and I keep going. Because just as above, I still have a testimony. Not sure why I would let my sinfulness keep me away from where all sinners probably need to be. Obviously, since I still go, I wouldn't. Because I have a testimony of the truthfulness of it and I like going sometimes. If those two things weren't in place, I'd definitely use the fact that I was a sinner as a reason to walk away. But the reason would ulitmately be because I didn't have a testimony and didn't even want to be there, and would have nothing to do with my sins.

Or, some may not even believe it's a sin to act on my feelings. But again, if I believed that, why would that stop me from going to church? It wouldn't. Because utlitmately, the gospel is true. Life saving principles are taught there. I'm smart enough to be able to figure out truth from error, a man speaking and the Lord, and I don't need to lump all LDS leaders in with one or two or three who happen to be a bit on the unethical and unkind side. And I'm not going to follow the path of so many others and start celebrating coffee and drink and gay bars. Because I believe in the Word of Wisdom. I have since I was 6 years old and nothing any leader or church member does is going to change that. Because it's firm in my heart. I supposed if it weren't firm in there, I'd have no problem thinking it was awesome to have coffee, alcohol, and spend an evening in a bar. Thankfully for me, it is quite firm.

I believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Joseph Smith saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. He translated the plates and we now have the Book of Mormon, which is a word of God as is the Bible. The Preisthood is on this earth and it is oh so very real and powerful. Thomas Monson is indeed a living Prophet of God. Of all these points (and many others), I have no doubt. And no one, including myself through my sins, will keep me from this.

Besides, how can I help to instill changed hearts within the walls of the church if I'm not even there?

Feeling the Spirit, part 11

2011-09-04T12:52:00.000-06:00

Saturday morning I woke up after only a few hours of sleep. My stomach didn't feel so well and I had a huge canker sore that made it hard to swallow and talk. And I had stayed at someone's house overnight so wasn't even home. I remembered a 10 am baptism and did not feel like going, even if I promised I would. It was the 8-year old granddaughter of a lady I visit teach. Last time I visited, I told them both I'd go (the girl lives with Grandma).

As I drove home, I pondered the many reasons I did not want to go. They were all valid. And when I got home an hour prior to the baptism and My Girl was still asleep - she's my visiting teaching companion - it seemed another reason not to go. The girl is 8. She doesn't even know us well. She'd not notice - or care - if I wasn't there. Yet against all my inner workings, I awoke My Girl and we got ready to go.

We got to the building and went into the chapel. I scanned the congregation looking for the grandma, partly expecting them to have not shown up. As My Girl pointed Grandma out to me, I noticed a white blur out of the corner of my eye, moving quickly toward me. I looked down in time to see the little girl rushing up to me, huge smile on her face, to give me a hug. I had no inkling at all me being there meant so much to her. How grateful I was that I didn't let her down.

Few times in my life has a baptism touched my heart. Those of my children, of course. One of the first baptisms to touch me was an old roommate, way back in 1989. She came up out of the water and giggled. The spirit was so strong, tears came to my eyes. That's what happens to me rarely at a baptism. And how strange to me that yesterday morning, this little 8-year old's baptism touched me that deeply. A ten second ordinance for a little girl brought tears to my eyes as I felt the spirit so deeply.

How blessed I am. Not only do I matter to a little girl, but both of us matter to the Lord. And he blessed me yet again to feel the spirit. And in retrospect, during that hour, I don't recall being tired, my stomach giving me trouble, or having pain when swallowing or talking. Interesting ...

I love feeling the spirit! I love noticing blessings!

Electricity

2011-08-27T10:11:00.002-06:00

Is it bad to base whether something's going to work out in the dating arena on electricity? It seems that's what I'm looking for.

When I went out with beautiful girl last week, we went to a park to talk for a few hours. In the process of talking, she'd touch me once in a while. You know, a pat on the arm or something like that. I noticed it, of course, but didn't feel anything from it. And since I've heard from her very minimally since then, I assume she has the same conclusion I do: Possibly good friends.

Hanging out with old dating buddy is always enjoyable. We hug goodbye each time. And while I really do enjoy her hugs, there's not much "extra" when they occur. I like being with her, I enjoy chatting with her, but am not feeling very inclined for much more than time spent and goodbye hugs. She said to me the other day in a text "You're a very good friend to me." While I am not feeling much more than that myself, that's one of those dating funnies, ya know? During "Friends" TV show, Ross was in the Friend Zone when it came to Rachel. In Scrubs, they talked about the Friend Zone between J.D. and Elliot. Then there's that movie called "Just Friends" where the main character loves someone who "loves him like a brother." Even MTV had an entire show called "FriendZone". The dreaded Friend Zone. Of course, there's nothing wrong with more friends ... and I do like her as a friend and was very happy to sit in her apt after a year and a half and be able to talk as if there was no break at all. That says something quite important, I think.

But then there's my last girlfriend. I knew of her for 2 years before we finally spoke to each other. We went to lunch a week later. On the way back to the office, she touched my leg. Wow. Electricity beyond belief. It was so soul moving to me. Maybe she spoiled me in that regard and I'm now looking for something that is so rare, it shouldn't be part of the equation at all.

But who doesn't want electricity?

Kiss and Make Up

2011-08-25T08:08:00.000-06:00

So today is Kiss and Make Up Day. While I don't plan to kiss and make up with my latest girlfriend, I'd honestly give it another chance if she'd agree to go to couples therapy with me. I think that's the only way the relationship could work at all. But I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen. So tonight I am going to dinner with someone I sort of dated a few years ago. We'll see how that goes.

I do believe in kissing and making up, tho. (Of course, when making up, kissing doesn't always have to be involved, which is likely best in some scenarios). One of the most important things I learned through my experience with cancer was that it's relationship that's important. This came to me while waiting to be wheeled into surgery. My cancer was in the thyroid, so they had to take it out. By basically slitting my throat. So needless to say, I was pretty nervous while lying there waiting to be taken in. Ok, not nervous. Terrified. I began praying incessantly (which is a word that fits me on many occassions), praying to live, to survive. When I realized I was repeating myself over and over again and it sounded a lot like begging (probably because it was), I change my focus to what I was grateful for. It was days later when I recalled this moment and I realized that everything I was grateful for had to do with people. It struck me that when it came down to thinking it was all over, the only thing important was relationship.

After this realization, I thought of one person who had ill feelings for me and I thought it would be important to try to make amends. I found her phone number, because I'm a good sleuth like that, and called. She answered. I was so nervous. I said, "Hi ___. This is Kim." ::click:: Guess she wasn't ready to make amends.

Years ago, My Oldest, then 4 years old, was hit by a car. I stayed in the hospital with him overnight. He woke up the next morning, face swollen and scratched, hands swollen and sore. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he said to me, “Mom, I hate cars.” Then he asked for his dad, whom I called immediately. His dad came to the hospital right away and as soon as he got in the doorway, My Oldest said "I love you, Papa." Ex said "I love you, too." My Oldest then said to him, "Ok, you can go home now."

It's all about relationship.

Finding What You're Looking For

2011-08-24T08:07:00.000-06:00

In 1988, The Church came out with a song I love to this day. (Of course I don't mean the LDS Church, but the band called The Church.) Anyway, it's called Under the Milky Way. Check it out if you want.

The song itself isn't really the point here, but one line from it.

I wish I knew what you were looking for,
I might have known what you would find.

I've always thought that was profound. Well, always since 1988.

Reminds me of that commonly heard story:

There was once a wise old man sitting at the gate of an ancient city. A young traveler stopped before entering the city and asked the old man, “What kind of people live in this town?” The wise man answered with a question, “What kind of people were in the town you just came from?”

“Oh, they were liars and cheats and thugs and drunks, terrible people,” the young traveler replied. The old man shook his head, “The people in this town are the same way.”

Later another stranger paused to ask the same question, and again the wise man questioned his questioner, “What kind of people did you just leave?”

The second traveler answered, “Oh, I left a fine town. The people were good and kind and honest and hardworking.” The wise man smiled and said, “The people in this town are the same way.”

It's definitely the same in relationships, isn't it? People see in others what they think they'll see, regardless of what's really there. This has been so true in my significant relationships. I think most of the time, we expect someone to be just like other people from our past. My ex-husband apparently equated me with someone from his past who was unforgiving and held grudges, which is something that does not describe me. Yet whenever I'd act or speak in a way that may not mean that at all, that's what he saw. It was obvious he was looking for someone who was unforgiving and held grudges, and so that is what he found. According to his perception. Same with my latest relationship. She was seeing mistrust where the wasn't any, questioning her where that wasn't the intent, control when that was the last thing I wanted, and attempting to change her when I loved her just as she was.

I'm not perfect at seeing things for what they are, or seeing people for who they truly are, of course. But how important to keep grounded and to keep in touch with the person you're with, with their heart and let them be in touch with yours. And how vital to actually work through those perceptions and listen to your significant other (parent, sibling, bff, partner) when they try to explain what their intent really is.

Relationships really are work, aren't they?

And as a side note: It's National Waffle Day. Go eat a few.

I Am Who I Am

2011-08-21T22:05:00.001-06:00

Part of why things didn't work out with my last girlfriend is that she perceived me as being someone who wanted to change who she is, wanted to mold her into something she really wasn't. Part of it. However, nothing could be further from the truth, which is really beside the point. She either believes something about me that is not who I am in the least, or she said it to purposely hurt me. Either way, I'm not interested in trying to fix whatever made things that broken. In retrospect, actually, I changed a lot of who I am for the sake of saving that relationship. I put up with things I would not have put up with in any other scenario. I was the one changing and molding.

Today I went on a lunch date with a very beautiful woman. We talked for hours and seemed to enjoy each other's company. She's pretty feminine, which is typically not what I'm attracted to. And I'm not as butch as she's normally attracted to. But we got along and had a great conversation. In the midst of this afternoon, my favorite sunglasses broke, which I later fixed with electrical tape. I texted her and told her I had done so and she jokingly asked, "Are you sure you're not butch?" I laughed and said in response, "Maybe not butch enough, tho ... " She said in reply, "You are who you are Kim. There is nothing wrong with that. That is all anyone can and should be."

I had the most interesting reaction to that phrase. Tears came to my eyes. For two reasons. One, to be accepted for who I am is something I long for, as do all of us. Two, I know full well that may mean I am not "butch enough" for her.

The first reaction is so tied into my last year relationship. I was fighting to keep a relationship, fighting to make it work, and to do so, I was changing important parts of me. I was letting go of things I need and desire in a relationship, just to keep any semblance of a relationship going. It was never going to work if I had to change me to keep it. Ultimately, I want to be loved and accepted as I am, for me, in the way that feels natural to me - and have that be something she loves doing and feels natural for her to do. Wasn't going to happen in the last relationship, apparently. I think part of the tears had to do with the fact that it was not okay for me to be me, and it never would be for that relationship. It was like rejection and loss hitting me all over again.

The second reaction is a funny one. I am not ready to rush into a serious thing with anyone at this point, though I am really enjoying getting to know women through dating. I'm not in a place where I want to be "the one" for her. But there's still this huge fear inside of my being ... a fear of rejection. Kind of like a straight coworker I have who does not want a woman attracted to her, but when a lesbian isn't attracted to her, she's crushed. Makes me chuckle, but I so get it. This reaction was kind of like that. It'll be okay in such a new friendship that I'm not butch enough, but it still means there's something about me that's just not "enough" for someone. Who likes how that feels? That's the hard part of dating, I guess, realizing something about us just isn't going to do it for the other one. Even if they might not do it for us, either, it still doesn't feel good. Not sure I'm making sense at all here.

And then there's that lingering fear I bet most of us feel: What if who I am is never enough for anyone? Guess that's where being enough for ourselves comes into play. Hmmm... pondering material. I think I might print this up and put it on my wall. It's worth remembering, processing, and putting deep into my heart and soul.

"You are who you are Kim. There is nothing wrong with that. That is all anyone can and should be."

Music List

2011-08-17T09:25:00.000-06:00

A friend said my blog needs a list, and suggested my favorite music. Since I really am quite nice and fairly easy to get along with on Wednesdays, here we go. ;)

My favorite singers/bands are Jem, Dido, Plumb, Frou Frou / Imogen Heap, Catie Curtis, Black Eyed Peas sometimes, Sarah McLachlan, Garbage, Muse ... I also enjoy old 80s music like Erasure, Depeche Mode, Psychedelic Furs ... I think I'm forgetting someone here.

Jem. I have a hard time picking a favorite song because I like most. But I do remember when I first heard her and what song it was. However, I couldn't find the official music video for 24. So here's the video for I Want You To. And I think she's cute.

Dido. Again, have a hard time picking a favorite. So here's Thank You. Also kinda cute.

Plumb. Awesome. Though I don't love all her songs, like I do Jem and Dido. Here's Sink And Swim. She's also good looking to me ... and I have her on my facebook and love, love, love, how real she is.

I can't make my entire post today full of videos ... I imagine that'd be too much for some browsers. So here are links to some of my favorites from the others.

Frou Frou / Imogen Heap: Must Be Dreaming and Goodnight and Go.

Catie Curtis, cute, but no official video for Soulfully.

Black Eyed Peas. Right now I like Meet Me Halfway. And Fergie looks pretty fine in this video.

Sarah McLachlan. I like a lot of her songs. Possession. Amazing song. Amazing.

Garbage. I like many of their songs. Hard to pick a favorite. So here's Special.

Muse. I like many of their songs. Here's Undisclosed Desires. Awesome song.

Erasure. Chains of Love.

Depeche Mode, not 80s, but cool song. Precious. One of my all time favorite songs.

Psychedelic Furs. Heaven. And it is.

And to close, I'll include my off the wall music streak ... I love to listen to these very loudly. (Not all official videos) Sadness. Requiem for a Dream. Delerium. Clubbed to Death.

Enjoy!

Back to Celibacy

2011-08-15T16:01:00.001-06:00

Ok, not really. At least not by choice. Come to think of it, I've been mostly celibate the last several months anyway, even in the midst of "relationship". Regardless, it's apparently time to move on and move back into the dating realm. That's how I read the fact that I needed to know by noon if someone was interested in working things out with me and haven't heard from her - and it's now after 4. I think considering how many times she broke up with me in the past year, this is likely how she really wanted it anyway. So we move on.

Don't let my nonchalance fool you, though. I'm pretty deeply hurt this time around. Again.

I've learned a lot in the last year. Had many opportunities to really look at myself and what I need in my life, what I would like in relationship - which are sometimes the same thing, sometimes not. I've had chances to ponder my path now and my paths in the past. Pondered about myself, pondered about religion, pondered about how they fit together, or not, pondered about what this might all mean for my future. I am confident part of the purpose of this new venture for me was to learn all of these things - and more. Boy, did I learn. Now I get to learn a whole new set of things, or learn how to solidify what I do know, or learn how it's all implemented as I go forward.

I'm grateful for the clarity I've come to through this experience. Grateful for the chances to figure out what doesn't work for me, and what's important enough for me to fight for. So here's what I've learned about how to have a significant relationship with Kim.

I ask for time, affection and intimacy, as well as honest and real communication about what you think and feel.

I will want to spend time with you because I really enjoy being with you. Usually this means doing something other than watching TV, though that can be pretty nice at times. It definitely means spending more time with you than just on the weekend if at all possible.

I will want to be affectionate with you because I may be falling in love with you and am highly attracted to you. I am not big on someone needing me, but someone wanting me speaks volumes to my heart and soul. I’d like to know that’s in place with no doubt in my mind.

I will ask questions because I'm interested in what you think and feel. I will continue to hope for honest and real answers because that is so important for our relationship. By "honest and real" I mean I don't want to hear "I'm sorry" when you don't feel you've done anything wrong. I don't want to hear "you're right" when you feel I'm wrong. I don't want to hear "nothing's wrong" when there is.

I will ask questions repeatedly sometimes. Particularly if I sense something isn't matching (see above). And after asking the question three times, I'm willing to assume I'm wrong - unless evidence to the otherwise continues.

I will want to be included in your activities with your friends and family because I want to be a full part of your life. Sitting around waiting for you to get done with your friends or family doesn't feel very good to me.

I will be melted by romantic gestures, surprises, love notes, and being whisked away for dinner and a movie. It will be incredibly meaningful to me if you remember my preferences for things like entertainment, food, time spent. And even if you like romantic comedies more than you like action and sci fi, you’ll actually watch one of the latter with me just because you like me.

Respect goes a long way into my heart and soul. This means treating my beliefs with regard, attempting to understand me and my choices, and always treating me with kindness, even when we disagree. Spend time with me to figure things out when there’s a tough spot, work with me with all your heart and emotion when we have some sticky moments, talk things out when there’s a trigger and allow me the same.

Honesty is important. Be yourself. Don't feign interest where there isn't any. Don't lie. I'd rather hear a painful truth now than find out later I was an idiot for believing you.

Not only will you get the same courtesies and considerations from me, but I’ll be quite loyal, loving, affectionate, and supportive. I’ve even been known to give people many, many second chances when things don’t seem to be clicking at some point. I’m a hopeful girl and have a hard time assuming things can’t be worked through, together and with effort on both our parts. But I do have a limit on how often I’ll have someone purposely hurt my feelings, regardless of their motivations for doing so.

That's not so hard, is it? Now excuse me while I go answer the myriads of women knocking at my door ...

He Speaks to Me in Dreams

2011-08-12T08:31:00.000-06:00

There have been times in my life when the Lord has sent me messages in my dreams. I've known it's a message because it was clear, memorable, and when I awoke I had a feeling of "Wow. I better listen and ponder on that." I've had some times when there were many dreams, and other times there were none at all. I've even had years with no dreams. I miss them during those dry spells.

I had one last night. I'm still pondering it, and was going to share it with you all here, but have a sense to leave the details a bit closer to home. I can say it was about insight, the purpose of mortality being to learn and grow, trusting him through prayer and listening, and realizing blessings await us because we are his children. It was awesome because I woke up with specific scripture references going through my mind, and when I read them, they clearly meant something to me, and to insight.

You can check them out and come to your own conclusions about what they might mean to you.

I feel blessed today because of this dream. I feel loved, seen, and understood. I know he's aware of me, and it is for me to be aware of his plan and purposes for me. How awesome that I get this opportunity to learn and grow and to become wise.

I definitely need more of that.