How to be Superwoman

It's not you, it's me

2016-08-08T16:54:00.000-07:00

My husband was stationed at Ft Carson, Colorado when we met and got married. I left college life in Provo, Utah and entered the strange new world of “military spouse”. I had no prior experience with the military and I didn’t know anyone (besides my husband) in Colorado. But I was optimistic and eager to begin this new chapter.

Soon after moving into our 800 sq ft townhouse I found out we were expecting our first child. A few weeks later I found out my husband would be leaving on his first deployment of our married life, 3 weeks after our baby was due.

Another shock was realizing that we could not actually live on his income alone. We could pay all of our bills, including tithing, but there would be nothing left for food or gas…or anything else we might need like a table or maternity clothes. (and when I say nothing I mean less than $1!) So I applied for a job and started working at one of the day care centers on post. It wasn’t a bad job, overall, but I had to be there at 5:45 every morning. We only had one car so I took the bus home in the afternoons. We didn’t have a washer or dryer so we spent our Saturdays at the laundry mat.

I was exhausted in every way possible. My pregnancy hormones were going crazy, I was overwhelmed with all the sudden changes to my life and I was so far from the people who really loved and cared for me.

Our son was born almost 2 weeks early, giving us a total of 5 weeks before my husband left for 8 months in Bosnia. I quit my job (my husband had been promoted and we no longer needed a second income) and devoted myself to being a full-time mother.

I told my family not to worry about me. I had the church and the members would take care of me. And I really believed that. As long as I had a church family I would be okay.

But I wasn’t.

I was miserable.

I felt alone and invisible. For many years after, I saw our time in Colorado as a journey through my own personal hell. My memories were filled with isolation, just me and a tiny baby…and the daily TV line-up. The idea of turning it off and sitting there in silence was, frankly, terrifying. I became so attached to my routine of talk shows and soap operas that I dreaded weekends and holidays. At least on Sunday I could go to church.

I went to church dutifully every week. I sat in the chapel, alone in the back, attended Sunday School and Relief Society and every activity available to me.

But I was still miserable.

And I blamed "them".

“They” weren’t reaching out to me.

“They” weren’t including me.

“They” weren’t checking in on me.

“They” didn’t really care about me at all.

I felt that if the ward members had been doing their jobs I wouldn’t have felt so bad. I spent years blaming the horrible people of Colorado, cursing them and vowing to never return if my life depended on it.

Looking back now, I see things a little differently.

The Bishopric would speak to me and shake my hand in the hall. The Relief Society President would call me and ask how I was doing. My visiting teachers came, although sporadically, but were very helpful at times. Someone even brought me a little cake on my birthday.

I had 5 callings in the time we were there, each time working closely with at least one other person. I knew almost everyone by name and they knew me. I worked with the Young Women and in Primary and even after being released I had kids and parents alike waving to me in the halls.

And I got invited to every home-based business party known to man. I always went and I always bought something, a token of thanks for getting me out of the house.

I had a neighbor a few doors down who was in our ward. She had a daughter a few months older than our son. She was very friendly and invited me to dinner when her MP husband was working a night shift.

I also got invited to some scrap-booking nights by a couple of sisters who were scrap-booking masters.

In all honesty, I was pretty busy. But I was still miserable.

Now that I know about anxiety and depression, I realize that much of what I experienced in Colorado was due to a mental health issue and not the “horrible people of Colorado”. Even now, even after accepting these issues as real and debilitating at times, I still feel a little frustration with my situation there. It wasn’t that no one cared about me or reached out to me, it’s that no one noticed what was really going on, not even me. I can’t help but wonder how much better life might have been had I been aware of my mental health status and sought help.

Colorado is the only place I ever lived that I didn’t stay in touch with someone. I can only remember one or two people by name and even then my recollection is hazy. It’s a shame, really. Many of the sisters were very kind and shared some experiences and lessons that still inspire me. But I was so eager to leave that place behind that I had no desire to maintain a single connection.

In the years since leaving Colorado I have lived in some great wards. At least I think they were great. Not perfect, by any means, but wards where I made lasting friendships and grew spiritually. Wards where I was eager to attend church because I knew I would walk away uplifted and feeling loved. But in each of these wards there was always someone who hated it. Someone (or several someones) who dreaded church, who never saw a friendly face or heard a kind word.

Each time this happened I would look around me and think “Really? This is a bad ward? An unfriendly ward? A ward with cliques? A ward with problems? Are you sure we’re talking about the same place?” And if I took a few minutes to discuss this with the person (How exactly have you been slighted?) they couldn’t really give me an answer. Their response would be very similar to my own feelings about Colorado. Oh, sure, sometimes there would be a very specific reason but it was usually isolated to one or two people, not an entire ward. More often than not, the real answer would be “I’m not happy and I need someone to blame.”

In a few cases, the reason they were unhappy was that they were not living the gospel and needed to repent.

Sometimes it was because they felt their life didn’t match up to what they thought of as the ideal Mormon life (not married, no kids, working mom, etc) and they felt out of place.

Often it was that they were dealing with some heavy burdens and they were just generally unhappy.

In every case, the reason they were miserable was, ultimately, them. Something in their life was …off. And until they fixed it, no amount of church or blame or anything else was going to make a difference.

In my case, having my husband home went a long way to improving my feelings about Colorado. Our last few months there were not so bad. And even though my journey through life has had many potholes, I have never again shifted the blame to an entire ward.

To anyone feeling that they are in a “bad ward”, take a step back and give your ward a good, hard look. Are you sure it’s “them”? All of “them”? Or is it you? Be honest with yourself. Ask your Heavenly Father for guidance. And if you realize that you need to fix something in yourself, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t suffer unnecessarily. Things will get better.

And if it is “them”? Reach out with love. Be patient. They are probably struggling with something… and they may not even know.

Lessons From Family History

2014-09-28T05:25:00.000-07:00

For the past year or so I have been spending a lot of time on family history. And I mean a LOT! Have you ever read those "Family History Moments" in the Church News? You know, the ones where someone has been searching for years with no luck and suddenly they meet a random stranger who happens to have thousands of names ready for the temple or something equally miraculous? That has been my year.

Well, sort of.

I have, in fact, been overwhelmed with information about families that seemed to have appeared one day with no past history. I have met distant relatives who had a wealth of information for me. I have seen photographs of people who lived and died long before I was ever born. It has been humbling and deeply gratifying.

But many unexpected blessings have come about because of this. I used to think I understood the Spirit of Elijah. I now know that I was clueless.

I have learned about my ancestors lives. I have looked at more than names and dates and places. I have been able to see the bigger picture. I can imagine what they felt when they immigrated to America. I can better understand the efforts they made to survive in the rural frontiers. I can better understand the heartache of loss when their children died from war and disease. I can marvel at their longevity in a time when the average life expectancy was quite short. I have laughed at the strange names they gave their children. I have raised an eyebrow at their scandals. No matter what I learn I feel deeper love and respect. I also feel hope.

There have been many challenges in our family in recent years. When you are in the middle of those problems, whether they come one after another or all at once or are on-going, they can seem overwhelming. I sometimes feel frustrated that life is not easier, that the perfect life I imagine is just a mirage. At times I have been deeply discouraged. Learning about my ancestors has given me better perspective.

I realize that they, too, had dreams and fears, trials and triumphs. I find myself feeling very blessed to have so many luxuries. I am ashamed of my slothfulness when I see what they were able to accomplish. I see the ripple of their choices, both good and bad, through their children and grandchildren.

Most of all, I want to be worthy to stand with them someday. I want to add to the legacy they have left behind in a way that would make them proud. I want to be a person who will one day engender such feelings in future generations.

I never knew such blessings were possible.

Life Is A Battlefield

2014-09-19T11:59:00.000-07:00

Life is a battlefield. (Doesn't that sound like a Pat Benatar song?) Seriously, though, I sometimes feel like I have spent my day fighting an unseen enemy, dropping into bed exhausted, only to wake up and do it all over again the next morning. Too dramatic? I think not.

During my first year of early-morning seminary, we studied the Book of Mormon. Our teacher got really excited about the so-called war chapters. He kept telling us that we were preparing for our own battles. He even went so far as to print T-shirts that said "Statesville Pre-Battle School" for us to wear as a seminary class. It felt a little much at the time but not exactly wrong either.

More than 20 years later, I see it. I see the war between good and evil raging around me. We have been warned for centuries that this day would come. Were we prepared?

It seems that some of these evils are so subtle, so unassuming, that they sneak up on us. We turn around and there they are, ready to strike.

I was feeling burdened by these thoughts last fall. I was feeling anxious about sending my children out into that battlefield. I wanted to keep them home, safe and hidden from the horrors of "war". Yet I struggled. How could they be a force for good if they were locked away in our fortress? How could we possibly defeat the enemy if we didn't go out to meet it?

This is where my mind was during Stake Conference in September 2013. The closing speaker was President Micheal Hamilton. He started talking about the rescue at Dunkirk. Suddenly, my mind was not on his talk but my own concerns for my children. My thoughts were filled with images and ideas as though they were being poured into me. Here is what I wrote in my notes:

We get injured and dirty in the fight against evil but we are on the winning side. We will heal, we will be clean again but we must fight. We can't hide in our pristine caves in the hopes of remaining unharmed and undamaged.

I kept remembering the Stripling Warriors. They were young men who chose to help defend their homes and freedoms. After one difficult battle, we learn

...there were two hundred, out of my two thousand and sixty, who had fainted because of the loss of blood; nevertheless, according to the goodness of God, and to our great astonishment, and also the joy of our whole army, there was not one soul of them who did perish; yea, and neither was there one soul among them who had not received many wounds. Alma 57:25 (emphasis added)

All were wounded but none were lost. I felt some-what reassured but I was still struggling with my fears and shortcomings. How could I ensure that my children would be able to survive this war? Another scripture came to mind.

...we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins. 2 Nephi 25:26 (emphasis added)

That was it. The solution to my problem was already in place. I felt peace. Still a little afraid but no longer overwhelmed.

I have thought of this experience often in the past year. This month, the Ensign included an article about protecting our children against pornography. The first few paragraphs were so close to my experience that I had chills!

This past weekend we had Stake Conference again. In his closing remarks, President Hamilton said "Filth splashes on all of us. He doesn't care how pretty it is as long as we get back to him."

I used to think that if we were keeping the commandments, trying our best to do what is right, we would be safe from the spiritual dangers of this world. Now I know better. There may have been a time when it was easier to avoid the splash of filth. Not now, not today as we are preparing for the second coming of Christ.

But that is no reason to loose hope. Our Heavenly Father knew these days would come. He knew what trials we would face. He prepared a way for us to overcome them. Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ we can all be cleaned and cured from every injury. Because of Him, there is no need to fear.

Flood The Earth Challenge: Like, Share, Comment

2014-09-01T10:15:00.000-07:00

Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, recently spoke at Brigham Young University about the power of social media. ( It is a REALLY awesome talk! You should listen to the whole thing to get the full impact of his words!) He encouraged all of us to use social media to share gospel truths.

What has been accomplished thus far in this dispensation communicating gospel messages through social media channels is a good beginning, but only a small trickle. I now extend to you the invitation to help transform the trickle into a flood. Beginning at this place on this day, I exhort you to sweep the earth with messages filled with righteousness and truth -- messages that are authentic, edifying and praiseworthy -- and literally to sweep the earth as with a flood.

Let that sink in for a minute. We have been sharing trickles of truth with the world. Now we need to flood it. But how?

I have simple, personal goal. My goal is to post one uplifting, gospel related message on social media every day. I encourage you to do the same. But I know that is not enough. I realize that a message needs to be "popular" to remain at the top of a news feed and reach more people. How can I make my uplifting posts visible?

When I share something funny I get over 50 "likes" and about half a dozen comments. Without fail. That one status post will remain at the top of the feed for days. Why?

Because everyone who sees it "likes" it!

That is where all of you come in. My "Flood the Earth " Challenge is simple. Every time you see an uplifting, gospel related post, whether it is a video, photo, article, or quote do one or all of the following: "like" it, "share" it, comment on it. That's it! If we support one another's efforts to spread positive messages we will truly be able to flood the earth with the gospel!

Why I Can't Do It

2013-10-07T17:09:00.000-07:00

I have a problem.
This problem is very hard to deal with at times.
It is difficult for others to understand.
I do not have this problem because of something I did wrong.
This problem keeps me from enjoying all the blessings God has promised.
I don't want to have this problem.
I struggle daily.
Sometimes I question why God would allow this to happen.
Why doesn't he remove this burden from my life?
Why me? Why do I have to suffer with this issue while others do not?
Haven't I been faithful?
Haven't I been obedient?
It isn't fair that I should have this problem.
I don't deserve this.
I didn't choose this.
I want it fixed. I want it gone.
God hasn't removed this problem so why should I obey him? Why should I trust him?
I want it to be okay that I have this problem.
I want others to make exceptions for me.
The rules shouldn't apply to me because I have a problem.
It would be different if I was like everyone else but I'm not.
I am different.
My problems are different.
I need different answers.

What is my problem?
Anger
Pride
Depression
Substance abuse
Infertility
Old age
Youth
Poverty
Wealth
Poor health
Same-gender attraction
Dishonesty
Ignorance
Advanced Education
Divorce
Grief
Birth Defect
Mental disorder
Other

Which one did you choose? Which one fits the description best?

Couldn't those feelings apply to any of these struggles? I have heard them all and many more. They are excuses. "I can't obey because______________"

Life is hard. It is SUPPOSED to be hard! In the church and even in the world we hear statements that contradict this truth. Something like "Obedience brings happiness" can be misleading. We get this idea that if we are obedient we will have everything we want. We will be healthy and wealthy and happy all the time. Life should be a romp through a field of daisies, right?

Obedience brings protection from much of life's suffering. However we are not here to rest. This life is not meant to be heaven. It is not meant to be easy. This is the battlefield and we are behind enemy lines.

Mortality is the crucible that refines us for eternity. (See 1 Ne 20:10) That refining is not pleasant but the results will be dazzling.

Think of any figure in the scriptures. Nephi, Samuel, Elijah, Esther, Alma, Paul, Jesus Christ. Did any of them have an easy life? Did any of these righteous people get special privileges? Did they follow an easier road than the rest of us?

No. If anything we have it easier. No one has tied me up and threatened to kill me.

The solution is simple, really. It is the atonement. The Savior sacrifice covers all our pains, all our suffering, all our sorrow. We simply need to look to him.

1 Ne 17:41 And he did straiten them in the wilderness with his rod; for they hardened their hearts, even as ye have; and the Lord straitened them because of their iniquity. He sent fiery flying serpents among them; and after they were bitten he prepared a way that they might be healed; and the labor which they had to perform was to look; and because of the simpleness of the way, or the easiness of it, there were many who perished.

The world offers many solutions to life's trials. Some are successful, some are not. Some support the truths of the gospel while others are in opposition. But everything available in mortality falls short of the atonement.

"There is only one way to happiness and fulfillment. He is the Way. Every other way, any other way, whatever other way, is foolishness." Elder Lawrence E. Colbridge. "The Way" October 2008

I know that Heavenly Father loves his children. All of them. He awaits our return from the ravages of this world with countless blessings. Let us do all we can to receive them.

Why I Love the Commissary

2013-05-20T02:00:00.000-07:00

Before I married a soldier I had no clue what a commissary was. It is a grocery store for military members. It is considered one of our military benefits. For some reason, many military members don't take advantage of this wonderful buying option.

When we lived overseas the commissary was a huge blessing. It allowed us to buy familiar foods for reasonable prices. (I can't tell you how soothing peanut butter and hot dogs and American cheese could be when you are feeling home sick!) Because of the fluctuating exchange rate, food from local stores could be quite expensive at times.

When we returned to the states we naturally continued to use the commissary. I was shocked to hear that many fellow military families shun the commissary completely. I am still baffled.

The commissary doesn't charge taxes but does charge a 5% surcharge to cover expenses. Depending on the state this is likely cheaper than local sales taxes.

The prices are almost always lower than non-military stores. At each of our stateside duty stations we have lived closer to a local grocery store than the commissary. We go there sometimes for milk or bread, things we need in a pinch when the commissary is closed. Rarely are the prices better. After our most recent move I actually made lists of food items we commonly buy and noted prices at each store I visited. The list of items that are cheaper at another store is quite short. I can buy a huge container of peanut butter at Sam's Club for a few cents less per unit than the same brand at the commissary. I do it because we eat a lot of peanut butter. Those giant bags of Malt-o-meal cereals are cheaper at Walmart but the commissary only carries the smaller bags. (Notice that these are bulk items!) For most common foods, including milk, eggs, bread, cheese, and meat, the commissary is a great deal.

There are usually coupons available on the shelf for many items. There have been times when I came with no coupons and ended up saving $15 just from in-store coupons. There is also a rewards card (which I LOVE!) that allows you to go to the commissary website and add coupons to the card. You can then use these in the store without having to click and sort and print.

The commissary offer many foreign products that you can't buy elsewhere. We appreciate this because we can buy an occasional treat to remind us of our time in Europe. I imagine for military spouses born in those countries this is a true comfort to have a taste of home.

When I talk to others about the commissary I hear a lot about how busy it is. This varies from place to place but generally Wednesday and Thursday mornings are pretty light. Avoid paydays at all cost! I have had good luck on Saturday afternoons but Saturday mornings are usually a nightmare! But isn't this true of most stores?

I guess what baffles me the most are the people who claim to be so savvy, so skilled at saving money, running all over town with their coupon and sales fliers getting good deals. When they share their "deals" with me they are often the same price as the commissary. If they had used that coupon there they would have actually saved more. I usually get a disgusted response like "Ugh! The commissary gives me a headache! Why would I go there?!" Um, one stop shopping? Less gas usage? Great prices? Tons of coupons on the shelf?

I don't get it.

Normally I wouldn't care what other people did. What concerns me is that if this benefit isn't used it will be taken away. Many commissaries have cut their hours due to budget cuts and a few have been completely closed. If the commissary isn't being used congress just might cut the program all together. At our current commissary I most often see retirees. A few spouses who have been around as long as I have know the value of this wonderful service. But the younger crowd don't bother. I might say "their loss". But it isn't. I know the commissary helps keep those retirees off welfare. Someday that will be us. It would be great to utilize the commissary to continue feeding our large, ravenous family of locusts until they are all grown. And feed ourselves for the rest of our lives.

If you haven't been to the commissary in a while, check it out. Make an effort to take advantage of this valuable resource. It just might surprise you!

Mother's Day For The "Non-Mothers"

2013-05-12T00:30:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day can be a painful day for those who don't have children. Before I had children of my own, Mother's Day was a reminder of what was expected of me as a Latter-Day Saint woman. It was a day to think about what I hoped I would be one day. It was a also a day to remind me that I was not a mother. Kind of like Valentine's Day for the single crowd, right?

It might be tempting to shun this holiday, to be bitter and hurt. You might see this day as a slap in the face.

Please don't.

Mother's Day should be a day to celebrate the institution of motherhood. The office of Mother, if you will. You don't need to be a mother or even a woman to do that.

When I was growing up our ward always gave the mothers a potted plant. Usually the Primary kids sang and made cards or something. Some mothers in the ward were recognized. The newest mother. The oldest mother. The mother with the most children. Being a child, I always felt impressed by these women. I thought they were women I should look up to and emulate. In many ways they were.

They were women of faith. They were women who had made sacrifices for those they loved. They had cared for those around them. They had taught others valuable skills and gospel truths.

Those traits had little to do with giving birth.

My family also visited my grandmothers on Mother's Day. This reminded me of how they had influenced my life by raising my parents. Of course, they also influenced me directly by teaching me many important lessons about life.

Since I began working consistently on my family history I have a deeper appreciation for those mothers who came before me. I come from a long line of mothers. All the way back to Eve! (even if I can't prove it!) Do their efforts mean nothing? The more I learn about my ancestors the more reverence I feel towards motherhood. I feel so grateful for those mothers who cared for their children generation after generation all the way down to me.

Most importantly, Mother's Day is a celebration of womanhood. Women do so much for society. Women are often teachers, nurses, and counselors. Women are creative, nurturing, and thoughtful. Women have a powerful influence. Women are compassionate and determined. Women are tender and beautiful.

All women are worth celebrating!

Who Exactly Are These So-Called "Experts"?

2013-05-06T07:24:00.000-07:00

I have been blogging for about 3 1/2 years now. I get asked questions about parenting and kids and stuff like that and I wanted to 1) record those answers while I am still able to know what I am talking about and 2) make that information available to others.

Let's face it; none of us really know what we are doing. Parenting is a lot of trial and error. We learn some things from our parents and some things from our peers and some things through experience. Then there are the things we learn from "experts".

But just who are these so-called "experts"? Are they parents who have been in the thick of life, waging the daily battles against tantrums and messes? Probably not.

"Experts" are people who study what other parents do; in other words, they have a job. Even if these "studiers" have kids ( some don't!) their kids are probably in day care 40 + hours a week (or possibly have a nanny) so the parents are only with their own kids a few hours a day at most.

It is easy to put your kid to bed at the same time every night if you have to get up and be somewhere the next morning, day in day out, for their entire childhood.

It is easy to feed them healthy food if all you have to do is tell the person you are paying to do it or they will be fired.

It is easy to pay someone to potty train your child for you while you go off to research how other people do it.

I am sure there are lots of really dedicated parents out there who do the best they can with the time they have. I am not dissing them.

What I am gripping about is that so many people rely so heavily on what "experts" have to say.

Why are we not looking to experienced parents for advice? Why are we not asking those in similar circumstances how to solve an issue? We rush to the "experts" for their advice instead. Why? You do realize that they change their mind about stuff ALL the time, right?

When my first child was born, I was the kind of parent I am describing. If the doctor didn't say he could eat it/do it/ wear it/use it I didn't even consider it. I was almost crippled by fear of doing the wrong thing. I didn't appreciate the advice I got from "experienced" mothers. They were outdated and possibly immune to the true needs of my precious baby.

Of course, when my youngest children were born, as little as 6 years later, I was often "corrected" by doctors and nurses who told me that "things have changed since then" and "we no longer recommend that". I was a ball of confusion. I was mortified that I was doing the "wrong" thing for my baby. I was ashamed that I had not stayed current on what was right for my children. And I was angry, very, VERY angry that I was made to feel this way by the very people I was supposed to rely on!

I came to realize that there is no magic bullet to destroy all the possible illnesses, injuries, and issues my child might have. Childhood research is a minefield of contradictory information. Let your child cry- Never let them cry. Vaccinate-Don't vaccinate. Bottle feed-Breastfeed. Keep them busy-Let them play. Drink milk- Avoid dairy. Eat grains-Avoid gluten. Eat vegetables and meat- But they might have diseases.

The real problem is that the "experts" lead us to believe that if we do the wrong thing disasters will ensue.

If our kids watch TV they will become violent idiots who will kill people but won't be able to confess because they will be too stupid to form complete sentences.

If you don't read to them they will never get a job and live with you for the rest of your life.

If you don't let them play sports they will never learn to work with others and grow up to be jerks.

If you don't expose them to art and music they will never have a creative thought and be mindless drones.

If they eat the wrong foods they might become allergic, or get food poisoning, or develop behavior issues, or have learning problems, or get really fat and all the issues that go along with that.

And it will ALL be YOUR fault!

Yes, I have issues with "experts". I admit that a part of me is really irritated that I have shared so much practical information on this public blog, exposing many of my own struggles and imperfections as a parent, and yet when an "expert" says the same thing it gets passed around the Internet like some kind of holy grail. I read these articles and thing"I wrote a post about that a while back." But apparently no one read it. Or they did and thought "Why should I listen to you? You're a nobody. But now that an "expert" has said it I will change my ways and do exactly what they say, (which is what you said months ago and I ignored you)."

There is some good information available, more than ever before. But sifting through it is a lot of work. And only rarely is there a disaster.

I have 2 friends with young adult children. I watched their kids grow up. The mothers have made very different choices. One bottle-fed, one breast-fed. One was strict, one was lenient. They both taught their kids right from wrong. Both fed their children, dressed them, sheltered them, corrected their behavior, taught them things. Loved them.

They have all turned out differently. I can see that sometimes it is because of the personalities of the children. Sometimes it is because of things the parents did or didn't do. Both mothers made choices that helped their kids. Both made choices that hurt their kids. Both did their best. All their kids grew up to be obnoxious, moody teenagers and fairly decent adults. No criminals, no disasters. Although they are all making their own mistakes now. It is part of life.

Why can't experts give advice like that? Love your kids. Help them. Teach them about the things you value. Be there for them when they make their own mistakes. And keep loving them.

Music Callings In The Church: Ward Choir

2013-04-29T07:12:00.000-07:00

Being a Ward Choir Director was by far the most challenging calling I have ever had. I agonized over everything I did.

"Did I choose the right song?"

"Is it too difficult?"

"Is it too easy?"

"Can the pianist play this?"

"Should we do parts or just sing the melody?"

"Should I encourage my one Tenor to learn his part or let him sing with the sopranos?"

"Are we rehearsing too often? Not often enough? Is it a bad time?"

"If I bring food will they come sing? Should I really have to pay people to participate?"

"Why aren't the good singers coming? They hate must me! They know I am not very good at this and they are snubbing me. They are judging me. They are sending me a message that I am unacceptable!"

I don't think I have ever felt so much self-doubt about anything...except maybe motherhood!

I tried very hard to push these thoughts out. I focused on those who did come. I trusted that their willingness to be there would bless our efforts. And we were blessed.

I learned a lot from this calling, more than I ever expected.

Lesson 1: ALL callings require faith in the Lord.- Somehow I had come to the conclusion that I only needed to rely on the Lord if I "needed" help. Being choir director taught me that I ALWAYS need help! I needed to pray and ponder and study to do this calling well.

Lesson 2: No calling is an island.- This was actually not a new concept to me. It was just reaffirmed in ginormous flashing neon letters. It didn't matter how hard I worked or how much I prepared if no one showed up to sing. (Which actually happened more times than I care to remember!) Most callings in the church require participation from other ward members. When someone is called to serve in the church they are providing a service to others. The only thing they ask in return is support. As members we show our support by showing up to classes and meetings, activities and practices. Is that really too much to ask?

Sometimes I got the feeling that "good" singers didn't like to come to choir practice because they weren't getting anything out of it. I could say something about that but it might not be appropriate so I will let you draw your own conclulsions.

Lesson 3: Music is important!- I don't have all the answers but I do know that our Heavenly Father loves music. Music is a precious and powerful gift. Music can change our moods. Music can invite the Holy Ghost to comfort, inspire, and protect us in times of need. The scriptures are filled with references to singing. By disregarding music we cut ourselves off from a beautiful, sacred blessing.

Lesson 4: There is beauty in simplicity.- I know that there are many accomplished musicians in the world. If I spend much time looking at their work I start to feel pretty crappy by comparison. The little choir I was responsible for had limited abilities. With time and experience, trial and error, I found the balance between beauty and simplicity. We weren't the MoTab so why try to be?

Lesson 5: The Lord blesses the righteous not the gifted.- A gifted person can be blessed also, of course. But the scripture actually says

"For my soul delighteth in the song of the heart; yea, the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me, and it shall be answered with a blessing upon their heads.." (D&C 25:12, emphasis added)

When we sing from the heart, we are blessed. I saw it often in our little choir. The members became confident in their abilities. They always sang better in the actual performance than in any rehearsals. The congregation felt the Spirit. When we sang for the Lord, he blessed our efforts.

I know that callings like this one can be frustrating. It is part of the learning process. But it can also be very rewarding. Never in my life did I understand Ether:12:27 better than I did as a choir director.

"I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

Music Callings In The Church: Playing The Piano

2013-04-22T11:50:00.000-07:00

I didn't take piano lessons consistently. Each time I restarted lessons I had to play catch-up for a while. I also had to try to break bad habits I had adopted in the intervals. And I happen to be a perfectionist so I wanted to play everything perfectly, each note and rhythm exactly as it is written.

I never mastered any of this. I love playing but my varied experiences have left me with limited abilities. For many years I have compared myself to accomplished professionals and lamented my many flaws. For example, my teachers often chastised me for playing by ear or memorizing instead of reading the music. I have long accepted this as a weakness.

During the past couple of years I have realized that the opposite is true. I am not saying that I don't have room for improvement. What I have realized is that I need to use my abilities to my advantage and compensate for my limitations.

Here are a few tips and tricks that I have learned from experience.

1. Play through a hymn first. Sometimes I surprise myself. Something a hymn I thought was unfamiliar or difficult turns out to be quite simple. Once I determine the difficulty and my ability to play the hymn as written, I decide if I can make it work.

2. Like most novices, I can play better with my right hand. I could play almost any hymn with just that hand but it doesn't sound complete. I prefer not to do this. One way to alter a difficult hymn is to just play whole-note chords with the left hand. "Love At Home" (Hymns, 294) is an excellent hymn for this trick. In the first measure, I would play the first notes as a whole note, the second measure I would play the first two chords as a half-note and the other half note as written, and so on.

3. Sometimes I simply can't reach all the notes, especially in the bass clef
(the bottom, left-hand notes). I have found that playing the very bottom notes, along with the upper, right hand notes, creates a fuller sound but is somewhat easier to play. It takes practice to figure out which notes to play and which to leave out. Some examples of hymns that work well with this trick are "Rejoice, the Lord Is King" (Hymns, 66) and "As Sisters In Zion" (Hymns, 309)

4. Sometimes the hymn is written in a key that is hard for me. Now you can go to LDS.org and transpose the hymns into a different key with the click of a button! Just print it and play it. Most people won't notice and those who do should keep their mouths shut! What matters is that it helps you fulfill your calling and invite the Spirit into the meeting. *Note: be mindful of the vocal range of those singing. If it is too high or too low it will be uncomfortable to the singers and detract from the music.

Example: "How Firm A Foundation", (Hymns, 85) is written in the key of A flat Major (4 flats). By clicking the down arrow once, it is in G major, with just one sharp. But if you continue adjusting up or down you not only get lots of sharps or flats but the song will be in an unrealistic vocal range.

If you have been called and set apart as a pianist it is up to you to find a way to fulfill that calling. An don't forget, music is a creative art form. So be creative!

Superpowers 101: Finding Time To Read

2013-04-15T11:56:00.000-07:00

I love books. I honestly have kind of a hoarding/addiction type attachment for books, especially really beautiful children's picture books. I can NOT pass a Jan Brett book without buying it! (That is why I never go to books stores!)

My quirky vices aside, reading is very powerful to me. I love to finish a book and feel as if I have said goodbye to dear friends. I love that urge I feel to tell my husband about the exciting twist I just read when he asks if anything interesting happened that day. I love the combination of words to form patterns and rhythms that can lull me to sleep at night or create a kind of literary symphony.

Since early childhood I have also loved writing. It is like a fantastic word puzzle that only a select few can solve!

Every author who is asked about the craft gives the same advice to potential writers: READ!

So that is what I started doing.

Not just reading for fun (although I do enjoy it!) but reading to educate myself. For example, if I was reading Harry Potter I might look at the way J.K. Rowling uses point of view to keep the reader in the dark about certain mysteries. If I am reading a book that I don't like, I ask why. Is it the wording? The Characters? The story itself? All this helps me learn the good and bad of writing.

Between simple pleasure and learning a useful skill, I feel compelled to read. Well, now I do. For many years I barely read anything. For one thing, I didn't know what to read. I needed to find a genre that appealed to me. Once I did, I had to make reading a priority.

The first step was reading to my children. I started reading to them at nap time until they fell asleep. I sometimes read kids books but I usually read whatever I wanted to read. The kids would be asleep in a matter of minutes. Sometimes I would keep reading to myself for a little while. Reading aloud had many unexpected benefits for me.

As I began to read more, I started finding other ways to steal a few minutes of reading.

I read while I waited for the water to boil or the brownies to bake at dinner time.
I take the book to the bathroom (honestly the only moments of semi-privacy I get some days!).
I read for a few minutes at night before going to sleep.
I wake the kids in the mornings then read while they eat and get dressed for the day.
I used to read while I waited for the bus in the afternoons (when I had to drive to the bus stop).
I take a book with me to all appointments.
I bring a book with me to youth activities at church. (I wait while the kids participate)
I like listening to Audio books while I clean, especially a really indepth job. It helps the work go faster!

There are unused minutes in every day. Once you get into a book, one that is hard to put down, you will discover time you never knew you had!

Music Callings In The Church; Challenges And Solutions

2013-04-08T08:39:00.000-07:00

I have had a few music callings in recent years. I have served as Relief Society pianist in three wards in as many years. I have also been a chorister, choir director, and Primary music leader. Each of these callings presents unique challenges but they also have some common issues.

Music callings are unique. Unlike teaching or serving in a leadership position, you can't fake playing the piano. These callings require unique skills, including a knowledge of reading music and the physical ability to play or sing. Music callings also require preparation and planning.

It saddens me to realize that the number of skilled musicians in the world is declining. Each time I receive a music calling I think "Really? Me? Am I the best you can do?" While I recognize that maybe Heavenly Father is pushing me to improve my own talents, I also realize that, if I decline, the position will not be filled. There are just not that many people who can do it.

This presents some challenges to leaders who want to fill music callings. Most recognize the power of music to invite the Spirit into a meeting. Good music, that is. A pianist who stumbles and struggles can actually detract from the meeting. What can be done?

1. First, and absolutely the most important in my experience and opinion, is to let the pianist choose the hymns. I am frustrated each time a well-meaning leader chooses hymns they consider to be "easy" and insist the pianist play them. They mistake familiarity with simplicity. There are less-familiar hymns that I can play with my eyes closed. Some that seem difficult might actually be easier on a pianist because they can improvise. For example: "Count Your Blessings" (Hymn 241) is easier for me than "Love One Another" (Hymn 308). This may not be true for every pianist.

I am not sure why some leaders are so insistent on choosing the hymns. I know in some cases the ward music leader is the one who does this so maybe it is an effort to fulfill that calling. Regardless, the pianist should have the biggest say in choosing the hymns.

* A suggestion for pianist: take time to try to play every hymn in the hymn book and make a list of which ones you are comfortable with. This might be a little time consuming but providing a list of hymns for your leaders to choose from just might save everyone from tears and frustration!

2. Non-pianists have no idea how challenging it can be to play with a congregation. I can tell you from experience that it varies from one group to another. I played in one Relief Society where the sisters were fairly timid singers. I could barely hear them and sometimes I sang along as I played just to help keep track of which verse I was on.

The next ward was just the opposite. There were many powerful and talented singers. I could hear the sisters singing parts like a choir. It was beautiful! But it was also intimidating. I felt pressured to play every note and not make mistakes that would mess up the beauty of their voices. Of course, I stumbled over the keys and messed it up anyway. It was my own fault for focusing so much on them and not on the piano. In retrospect, it might have been helpful to wear earplugs!

3. People have to practice. I was first called as Relief Society pianist as a newly wed. I had no piano, no keyboard. I tried to practice at the church during mid-week activities but the rooms with pianos were always being used. On top of that, the leaders didn't give me prior notice about which hymns we were singing. Sometimes I had never even heard them! It was truly a lesson in humility!

4. Music callings are callings. It seems that some leaders see leading the music or playing the piano as some kind of service or busy-work. But these callings require prayer, preparation, sacrifice, and inspiration, just as any calling in the church. Those servicing in music positions deserve respect, encouragement, and appreciation.

I hope this is helpful. I have thought about this often in recent years. Music is such an important component in our meetings. Music invites the spirit, bears testimony, and soothes the troubled heart. Creating this kind of meeting is not the responsibilty of just one person, but a team. We should all work together to achieve this goal.

Keep a look out for future posts with more specific tips for pianist and choir directors.

Greatness: God VS The World

2013-04-01T07:37:00.000-07:00

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways,

and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:8-9

I love adventure stories. Movies, TV shows, books. Fantasy, Science Fiction, History. Anything that illustrates excitement, action, heroism. The characters (or real people in the case of a historical event) might not become well-known for their efforts but they do something that touches many lives. They save the world, defeat the bad guy, restore the balance of power, etc.

Sometimes they are underdog stories. A lowly person becomes a great ruler. A struggling student becomes accomplished in their field of study. A nobody becomes a somebody.

The string running through all of these stories is that all of the hero accomplish something the world recognizes as great. Maybe their efforts are unheralded by the world at large during their lifetime. Maybe the character's deeds are unknown in his make-believe world. But to us, the audience, the students of the past, the listeners of their stories, they accomplish something extraordinary.

In my younger days, I looked at my life through a fog of possibilities. My future was an exciting mystery. I could be anything, do anything. Many people in my circle of influence told me that I would do great things some day.

As a Latter-Day Saint youth, I often heard quotes and council from leaders heralding the great work my generation would accomplish. I heard the stories of the restoration and pioneers trek west, the building of Zion and their baptism by fire as they struggled and suffered. I heard these people described as "great" and their efforts as "mighty". I envisioned mythic figures, bold and brave as they ran forward towards any task.

My own life is not over, of course, but it is not exactly what I expected either. It is messy and mundane and frustrating and complicated. I often feel that I have not lived up to expectations. I am supposed to accomplish great things and I'm stuck here in this house with a bunch of kids and an endless list of chores. Major fail, right?

Through the eyes of age, I see the heroic stories of the past with a little less glitter. I can imagine the pain and heartache associated with their trials. I know how difficult their choices must have been at the time. I realize how frightening life must have been at times. And I realize there were many days filled with the messy and mundane. No one escapes that.

"But I am supposed to do something great. My life has a special mission!"

And what might that be, exactly?

The world tells us greatness and success in life must be like those stories I love. We have to be the underdog who fights until he wins. We have to become famous for something. We have to do something that changes lives.

Right?

I recently read this story from "Teachings Of The Presidents Of The Church: Lorenzo Snow". As a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Lorenzo Snow received word that a friend's daughter had passed away. He immediately went to their home and gave the child a priesthood blessing.

During the administration I was particularly impressed with some of the words which he used and can well remember them now. He said: ‘Dear Ella, I command you, in the name of the Lord, Jesus Christ, to come back and live, your mission is not ended. You shall yet live to perform a great mission.’ He said she should yet live to rear a large family and be a comfort to her parents and friends. I well remember these words.

The daughter was soon revived. And what of her "great mission"?

When Ella had been in the spirit world, she had felt such peace and happiness that she had not wanted to return. But she obeyed the voice of President Snow. From that very day, she comforted family members and friends, helping them understand that they did not need to mourn for their loved ones who had died. Later she married, had eight children, and served faithfully in her Church callings.

That's it? She comforted people. She had 8 kids. She served faithfully. The end.

What? She was raised from the dead for that? She didn't become the first woman president or a famous artist? She didn't find a cure for some horrible disease? Did her kids do something important? Come on! Give me something to work with here! What kid of ending is that?

That's what the world would say, isn't it? That story is a let down from a worldly perspective.

But not to our Heavenly Father. What does he call "great"?

At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven? And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. (Matt. 18:1-4)

But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant. And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted. (Matt. 23:11)

Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. (Matt. 22:36)

Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great. (D&C 64:33)

Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God...And if it so be that you should labor all your days ... and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father! And now, if your joy will be great with one soul that you have brought unto me into the kingdom of my Father, how great will be your joy if you should bring many souls unto me! (D&C 18:16)

The scriptures contain hundreds of references to Heavenly Father's definition of greatness. Obedience, humility, love, service to others, these are what make us great in his eyes. Motherhood embodies them all.

Next time you feel that you have somehow failed because you are wiping noses instead of curing cancer or battling for world peace, take a step back and look at yourself through heaven's eyes. What will you see?

Superpowers 101: Hand-Me-Downs

2013-03-25T07:42:00.000-07:00

You might think pass clothes along to someone else is a pretty simple task. You out them in a bag and hand them over. Simple, right?

After years of sorting, sizing, repairing, and reusing kids clothes, I have learned that there is actually more to it than that. A lot more.

Whether you are buying new clothes with plans to pass them on later or you have some hand-me-downs to sort through from someone else, here are a few tips to consider.

1. Buy clothes that are durable. Some clothes are made poorly, whether it's thin fabric that wears out easily or poorly stitched seams. Durable clothes are often more expensive but not always. For example, I have had great success with store brand jeans that are made with thicker denim.

2. Avoid trends. Some trends last; princesses and superheros are going to be around for a while. Some trends are just a flash in the pan. I once gave in and bought my daughter a High-School Musical jacket. It was on clearance and she had been begging for it. Within a few months the fad was gone and she didn't want to wear it. Neither did her younger sister. If I had held on to it for my youngest daughter would she wear it today? No. It would definitely be outdated and scream "HAND-ME-DOWN!!!"

3. The fewer frills the better. This is especially true of clothes for small kids. They grow so quickly their clothes rarely wear out. I had several pair of pants for toddlers that I used for boys and girls. They were plain and simple so no one can tell the difference.

4. Clothes shrink over time. I can't tell you how many times I have bought a shirt or pants for a child based on what they were wearing, only to discover that the clothes had shrunk and they really couldn't wear the size I purchased...yet!

5. Involve the kids in the process. Kids have different tastes. This is hard to accept sometimes. An outfit that one child loves, their sibling despises. Letting the kids help gives parents a better idea of what they like and why. Some of my kids were irritated by certain fabrics while others were not. When we have received clothes from others, sometimes we have opportunities to discuss modesty and what makes certain clothing inappropriate.

6. Plan for the future. Sometimes people give me clothes that no one can wear. If they are clean and in good condition ( and if I have the space) I keep them anyway. Kids grow quickly. Sooner or later someone will be able to wear them.

7. Shop your storage first. There have been a few instances where a child needed something like pants and I begrudgingly went out and bought brand new clothes to fill the need. A week or two later I went through our storage of kids clothes and found exactly what I had just purchased. In our case it wasn't a complete waste because those new clothes will be passed on to younger siblings. It is tempting to take the easier path and buy new clothes every time they need them. I still have to police myself and make sure I don't act on impulse when a little effort would save us money.

Keeping your kids dressed and presentable doesn't have to cost a fortune. Storing and organizing clothes takes a little effort but the savings are tremendous!

We Are All The Offspring Of God

2013-03-21T06:42:00.000-07:00

This is an excellent explaination of Acts 17:28-29 and our connection with God.

"For in him we live, and move, and have our being; as certain also of your own poets have said, For we are also his offspring. Forasmuch then as we are the offspring of God, we ought not to think that the Godhead is like unto gold, or silver, or stone, graven by art and man’s device."

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865576313/Every-man-woman-and-child-is-a-child-of-God.html?pg=1

Give, Oh, Give Away!

2013-03-18T03:23:00.000-07:00

"Give," Said the Little Stream

"Give," said the little stream,
"Give, oh! give, give, oh! give."
"Give," said the little stream,
As it hurried down the hill;
"I'm small, I know, but wherever I go
The fields grow greener still."

Singing, singing all the day,
"Give away, oh! give away."
Singing, singing all the day,
"Give, oh! give away."

"Give," said the little rain,
"Give, oh! give, give, oh! give."
"Give," said the little rain,
As it fell upon the flow'rs;
"I'll raise their drooping heads again,"
As it fell upon the flow'rs.

Give, then, as Jesus gives,
Give, oh! give, give, oh! give.
Give, then, as Jesus gives;
There is something all can give.
Do as the streams and blossoms do:
For God and others live.

Words: Fanny J. Crosby, 1820–1915

Music: William B. Bradbury, 1816–1868. Arr.

Superpowers 101: Finding 4-Leaf Clovers

2013-03-11T06:09:00.000-07:00

Since I was a kid I have had a knack for finding 4-leaf clovers. I remember the first time I found one. I was outside talking with a playmate. I happened to look down at the grass and something didn't look right. I reach down and grabbed the offending clover and was shocked to find it was real!

I have found that certain places seem prone to these rarities. Our yard in Tennessee was filled with them! We found so many they actually started to loose their appeal. The kids would pick them and give them to their friends. "Here. This is for you because you are my special friend." Their friends would gasp and hug them and be amazed at such a special gift. Then they would say to me late. "They don't know we can get more any time we want!"

What little cons!

Even though I have found many 4 leaf clovers throughout my life, they still hold a special place in my heart. I still get a tiny thrill each time I see one. They remind me of the subtle beauty in all of Heavenly Father's creations.

Can you find the 4-leaf clovers in these pictures from our yard? (some have more than one!)

Marriage House

2013-03-04T07:34:00.000-08:00

Marriage is like a house. It needs maintenance on a regular basis. Sure, you can let some things go for a while but if you completely neglect a house it will crumble and fall apart in a few short years. So will your marriage.

I have been noticing a trend among couples in recent years. They seem to spend a lot of time doing fun stuff like theme dates and dressing alike, fantasy vacations and taking classes together. They gush over how amazing their spouse is and give each other lavish or creative gifts.

Seriously?

Are they playing house? Are they little kids pretending to be married? Are they trying to hide their age? What are they hiding?

From the outside, it looks like they are decorating their Marriage House with paint and flowers and throw pillows while the plumbing is bad and the wiring is faulty. Their foundations are crumbling and they seem to think that more frills will make it all better. Or maybe they are trying to cover up the problems, hoping they will eventually go away.

I admit, I can be a bit of a cynic when it comes to romance. Married life is hard. LIFE is hard! Jobs change, kids come, sickness and discouragement sneak in from time to time. The list of difficulties is long and depressing.

Don't get me wrong, there is plenty of good. I can't imagine going through all this alone. (Well, I kind of can, thanks to the Army!) My husband gives me encouragement and support in ways that I never expected. We work hard to keep our family going in the right direction. But sometimes we focus so much on the foundation and structure that we forget to make it pretty.

The ideal home, and marriage, is one that is well maintained and well cared for. It is in good repair AND beautiful. It takes work, a lot of work, to keep up with everything.

Anything that's worth having is worth working for!http://www.scenicreflections.com/download/533130/Flowers_Garden_Cottage_Wallpaper/

Superpowers 101: A Good Night's Sleep

2013-02-25T10:26:00.000-08:00

Many mothers believe that once their child is born they will never, EVER, sleep again.

NOT TRUE!

Newborns, of course, usually wake up every few hours to eat. That can't be helped. Older kids will have nightmares. Sickness inevitably strikes in the wee hours. Beyond that, adequate sleep is NOT just a distant fantasy for parents.

The first thing you have to do is take a good, hard look at your situation. It is very possible that the reason you aren't sleeping is you!

Are you insecure about your parenting abilities?

Do you feel you are neglecting your child if you are not with them every moment?

Do you think crying = mommy screwed up?

Do you believe that you are somehow making your child better by "sacrificing" your sleep for him?

If you said yes to any of those questions then you are mistaken.

Think about this: what is a parent's role? To prepare their children for adulthood. Sleep is good for kids. They grow when they are asleep. They are happier when they are well rested. (Ditto for you)They are developing habits that will last the rest of their lives.

So, mommy, suck it and sacrifice your feelings for the good of your child!

Here are my guidelines for a good sleeper ( I wouldn't really bother before they are 6 months old. Infants need lots of attention around the clock!)

1. Don't rush in every time they make a sound. Some people are of the opinion that if their child might be crying and they don't get immediate attention they will be scarred for life. Others will let their kids scream and cry for hours. In my opinion, both are wrong. It's okay to let your child cry for a few minutes. If it is in the middle of the night, they might not even be awake. Give them a little space to figure things out. Eventually, they will have to learn to take care of themselves (unless you are planning to let them live with you for the rest of your lives!)

2. Try new things. Children change as they grow and develop. They might develop a fear of the dark. Trying a nightlight could help. Maybe they need a bedtime snack. Maybe they are cold or hot at night. My kids seemed to need reassurance that I would be there when they woke up so "see you in the morning" has become part of our nightly routine. Each child is different, each circumstance is different. Experiment and see what works. Just remember the goal is sleep for everyone!

3. Don't reward night waking. It is so tempting to cuddle your baby, sing them lullabies, rock them to sleep, hold them in your arms and stare into their beautiful, angelic face. Do that stuff during the day. If your baby is getting lots attention from you at night they will keep waking up. Instead, keep the lights off, keep the cuddling to a minimum, don't sit on the couch and watch TV with them. Let them know sleep is the only option.

4. Remember who's in charge. That would be you. Parenting sometimes means doing the hard things for the right reasons. If your child is healthy, well-fed, clean, and loved, you are a great mom. Don't let them manipulate you into staying up all night playing and reading and hugging. You don't have to be mean. Just firm. Put them in bed and walk away. (It's okay if you go to your room and cry just don't let them know!)

5. You don't have to be mean to win. I am always shocked when I hear someone say "Oh, don't make them take a nap! That's so mean!" Seriously? No, I don't buy it. It is not mean to make them sleep. Kids need sleep. Parents need sleep. It isn't mean to want a basic human need. If you loose your temper because you are exhausted and you scream and cry and throw things then yeah, that's not good. But saying "Baby, it's time for bed. You need to go to sleep now. I will see you in the morning. Good Night" and then walking away, that's not mean.

6. Consistency is key. I used to think that meant never making exceptions, being ridged and immovable. But I have learned that consistency is much easier than that. In the case of sleeping, consistency simply means making sleep the priority. Maybe you give in sometimes. Maybe you let them stay up a little late once in while. It's okay. But if a good night's sleep is the goal you have to make that clear. You have to keep going back to it and keep doing what you need to do to get it.

7. Be a team. One of the best things my husband has done for me is be on my side in the sleep wars. He is often the voice of reason that says "Send them back to their own bed" when we have night time visitors. He reminds me of my ultimate goal and the consequences of giving in. Without him, I would be a sleep-deprived lunatic!

8. Don't fall for their excuses. As kids get a little older, they start trying to find ways to stay up. Don't fall for it. Make sure they go to the bathroom and get a drink before bed. When they need more tell them "Too bad! You can do that in the morning." They will keep trying and keep getting away with it if you let them.

It might take time. It will definitely take patience and determination. But it can be done!

Funny Things My Kids Have Said

2013-02-18T10:00:00.000-08:00

My 10-year-old every time something is funny: "That's delirious!"
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For weeks my 3-year-old has been asking for "My Pinchers". I couldn't figure out for the life of me what he was saying. He even made little pinching motions with his fingers. Finally, I said "Show me your pinchers." He brought me "The Avengers" DVD. He still calls them "My Pinchers"

His new favorite is "Conformers." (Or possible CARformers, which is actually kind of cool!)

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My 11-year old daughter brought me a magazine. She pointed to a photo and said excitedly "I think I know her! She was in my class last year!" I expressed my doubts. "But it looks just like her!" she went on. "It's the splitting image of her!"

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My ten-year-old son gets words mixed up sometimes. Yesterday, his sister was trying to get him to do something for her. He got kind of worked up and yelled at her. "Who do you think I am? Cellerinda?"

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He also says "wiqulid". (This one makes me smile every time!)

Silly Scenery

2013-02-11T05:32:00.000-08:00

I looked out the window and what did I see?...

... a beech tree sticking out it's tongue at me!

Locks of Love

2013-02-04T06:39:00.000-08:00

A few years ago someone told my daughter Jessica about Locks of Love. They explained that she could grow her hair long, cut it off and send it to this organization so they could make wigs for sick kids.

She loved the idea!

She had super thick hair. It was always a mess. It was easily tangled. No matter how much I brushed it she looked like a walking rag mop after just a few minutes of playing. It wasn't all bad. It held a curl easily and she really was beautiful...if she could keep from moving. Once she tossed her head a few times we were back to the rats nest. She even picked up the nickname Medusa!

She finally decided she was ready to donate her hair.

I could not be more pleased with the results!

The last picture of her long hair BEFORE the cut.

AFTER!

Bookend Birthdays and Frosty the Snowman

2013-01-28T06:15:00.001-08:00

My oldest and youngest were born on the same day. Patrick is now 13. He loves his "twin" and does all kinds of thing with him and for him.

This Christmas, James discovered, well, Christmas. He especially likes Frosty the Snowman. He watched the move over and over. He tried singing the song. He even argued that Frosty brings presents, not Santa.

When we got our dollop of snow this week, Patrick was eager to please his little brother. He worked hard to give him his very own Frosty.

This was just a day before their birthdays. Here are their cakes.

The Value of Small Things

2013-01-15T11:03:00.000-08:00

Somehow, for some reason, we mortals get it into our heads that we must do amazing things to make a valuable contribution to the world. Average, ordinary people doing the simple and mundane tasks of everyday life might feel their efforts don't matter.

We are led to believe that if the world doesn't remember us than we are not worth remembering. And if that is true than our efforts, our dreams, our accomplishments, our sufferings all are for naught.

Over the past few month I have been reminded of the fleeting nature of life. I have been reminded of the fickle fancies of fame and recognition. I have also been reminded that this is a worldy, mortal perspective; not an eternal one.

I have spent many months researching my family history. I scanned hundreds of old photographs and compiled many of them onto a DVD for my family. During all this research I kept looking for something noteworthy. I was secretly hoping to find that I was descended from someone important; a historical figure, an artist, an inventor, a writer, a rebel. It didn't really matter what or who.

It was subtle at first. I didn't even consciously realize it. But after months of research, finding solid connections from one generation to antoher, I was still disappointed.

I realized that I was really searching for validation, a legacy of somekind, to give me... I don't know what. Motivation? Something to live up to? Bragging rights?

I found that I share a common ancestor with Benedict Arnold. Yay. According to Ancestry.com's Famous Relative Finder I probably share common ancestors with twelve presidents, numerous actors and actresses, inventors, writers, and politicians. But none of that really means anything to me. Being 10th cousin twice removed to Walt Disney and Julia Child does not make me artistic or a good cook.

What does bring meaning to my life?

Having children? No. Not completely. I mean, yes, bringing a new life into the world is meaningful but plenty of people do that without making it a meaningful expereince.

Being a caregiver? Could be. But again, many people fuill this role and are as faceless and forgotten as strangers.

Teaching? Again, no.

Coaching a team?

Cleaning the house?

Caring for the sick?

All valuable, meaningful efforts but often forgettable.

That's the point, isn't it?

Those millions of tiny, pebbles build into a mountain of good.

Keep The Home Fires Burning

2013-01-11T01:33:00.000-08:00

Keep The Home Fires Burning

They were summoned from the hillside,

They were called in from the glen,

And the country found them ready

At the stirring call for men.

Let no tears add to their hardships

As the soldiers pass along,

And although your heart is breaking,

Make it sing this cheery song:

Keep the Home Fires Burning,

While your hearts are yearning.

Though your lads are far away

They dream of home.

There's a silver lining

Through the dark clouds shining,

Turn the dark cloud inside out

Till the boys come home.

Overseas there came a pleading,

"Help a nation in distress."

And we gave our glorious laddies -

Honour bade us do no less,

For no gallant son of freedom

To a tyrant's yoke shall bend,

And a noble heart must answer

To the sacred call of "Friend."