The Buxtons, together for over 80 years. Read their story. (Photo from The Daily Mail.)

The other day there was an article in the Daily Mail about a couple who’ve been together more than 80 years. In that time, they’ve barely spent a day apart and they say they wouldn’t have it any other way.

That’s the kind of fairy tale, once upon a time to happily ever after story you don’t hear very often.

Because it doesn’t happen very often.

Most of the time, relationships fail.

The sad truth of things is that those many-decades long happy marriages are few and far between. That kind of love and commitment don’t come easily to most people… and the world we live in today does all it can to make sure it’s not easy to even believe it can happen.

But right there, in full, living color (and some old black and white shots) you have Lionel and Ellen Buxton, smiling away and fondly remembering their six year courtship that started during World War II.

Over the years, I’ve met more than a few people with stories like that. I’ve met many more who are on their second or third divorce and have nothing but tales of terror and heartache.

What the Buxtons have is a rare thing. Near as I can figure, it’s at least one couple in a few hundred thousand (maybe one in a million) who easily fall into that “happily ever after” category. There are thousands more who, through a whole lot of hard work and stubbornness make things work for a good long time. And thousands more who just stay with who they’re with because they’ve given up on anything better. (That last group–not the healthiest or happiest people around, just FYI.)

Love is a risky thing.

Following your heart is dangerous. It opens you up to all sorts of pain, frustration, and disappointment. Heck, even getting to your heart in this day and age can be a difficult thing. Just like digging out your instinct, excavating your heart can be a Herculean task in and of itself.

Then you need to actually have the gumption to follow those instincts and feelings–even when they seem to be contradictory to what others would consider common sense. (Once you’ve put in the work, no one knows your own heart and mind better than you.) That, of course, will breed some confusion among peers and at times make for a bit of a lonely road you’re walking on.

Even acting on what you know is right isn’t a guarantee that it’ll work. After all, there’s another person involved and the chances that they’ve done all the same work and are ready to dive in like you are… slim, to say the least.

“Happily ever after” is one of those things that can only happen if you actually believe in it. You have to put in the hard work before hand–and, sometimes, during–your life in order to prepare yourself for it, to be open to it. That’s the only way you’re going to stand a chance.

When it does work, it can be forever.

If lucky enough to be in that one-in-a-million group like the Buxtons, well, you get your happily ever after.

And that… that should make everything else–every bump in the road, every strange look from friends, every rejection along the path–more than worth it.

So, start digging deep into yourself and decide what you really want. If it’s “Happily Ever After,” then get to work on it. If you’re okay with “not awful,” well, you’ve got a much easier path ahead of you. There’s plenty of that out there.

Personally, I’ve never been one to settle.

An article came up in my newsfeed about how to trust your instinct. It had some great tips:

1. Listen to your body
2. Understand your brain chemistry
3. Focus on your first response
4. Challenge your instinct
5. Don’t ignore it

These are all things I heavily advocate. (As can be seen by that post I did the other day about brain chemistry and love.)

What the article doesn’t focus on is all the work that needs to go on first for most people. What I tend to call “shoveling out all the crap the world has thrown on you.”

Grab Your Shovel

Unless you started trying to really be true to yourself at an early age (say, 10), you’ve spent a whole lot of time living up (and down) to other people’s expectations. Those expectations come at us from all directions–friends, family, media, pop-culture–and color our perception of just how “right” we are.

This causes two things:

1. Internal dissonance between what we feel and what we think we should feel
2. A whole lot of bad habits when it comes to listening to ourselves over anyone else

All of this crap–and make no mistake, that’s exactly what it is: the excrement of what the world around us has already digested and expelled–blocks us from being able to do any of the things listed in that article on intuition.

We can’t effectively listen to our bodies if we’re always feeling “wrong” because of the food we eat or the company we keep or the stress from our jobs.

We can’t understand our brain chemistry well enough until we get a handle on all the stimuli that are messing with it to begin with–need to separate the biological from the psychological.

We can’t focus on our first response when we’ve been second-guessing ourselves for half of our lives. In many cases, our “first” responses that we notice aren’t at all our actual first responses… they’re just the ones we think we should be feeling.

We can’t challenge our instinct when we think our own perceptions don’t matter.

And if we can’t even recognize instinct when it shows up, how can we possible choose to not ignore it?

Clearing out all that crap can take years. It most certainly takes a concentrated effort over some span of time.

But even then, we tend to get in our own way.

Thinking It’s Not Worth It

If we don’t think that effort is worth it, we’re not going to do it.

After all, challenging all those things we’re told to expect, all those things we’re told are “normal” to think and feel, trying to accept “abnormal” things as true for us–that’s hard and uncomfortable work.

Very often, it gets in the way of day to day life. It causes us to question our jobs, our families, our relationships with friends and lovers. It forces us to take a long, hard look at ourselves.

Really, when most people do that, they’re not too happy with what they see at first.

And, when you’re not happy with yourself, you start to think that you’re not worth working on. Then you just want to forget all about all those flaws and unpleasant things and go back to how things were.

You know, when you were just vaguely unhappy and couldn’t really point the finger anywhere.

Because now, dammit, that finger’s pointing right at you and it’s not pleasant at all.

That feeling is your shovel.

That’s When You’re Most Empowered

Use that discomfort to propel yourself forward instead of running from it.

Pick one thing that’s making you unhappy and begin to dissect it, to manipulate it, to change it into what you want it to be.

Through that process, as iterative as it is, you’ll begin to uncover your real feelings. You’ll dig out the patterns that are truly your own and be able to discard the ones that were just other people’s expectations of you. You’ll learn the difference between having a bad breakfast sandwich and that gut feeling that’ll make you go left instead of right and somehow avoid an accident.

Most of all, once you’re in touch with your instinct, you’ll be able to better follow your heart.

Once you’re free from the expected patterns of relationships, the bad habits of bad choices brought on by ideas that don’t work for you, you’ll be able to love more freely and more honestly.

You’ll be happier.

When you’re happier, you stand a better chance of meeting just the right person.

And even if you don’t… you’re still happier. With yourself.

A few weeks ago, I picked up a handful of books. One of them, Man’s Search for Meaning, has been on my list for a long time.

For years, I’ve been falling back on quotes by the book’s author, Viktor Frankl. They’ve at various times inspired me, kept me going, given me direction. But I’d never actually read anything of length by him.

Man’s Search for Meaning consists partly of Frankl’s memoir from his three years in Nazi death camps during World War II. It’s during one early morning march to a work site, across frozen land, undernourished and wearing only the thin clothing of a prisoner, that he had this revelation:

A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth–that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved. In a position of utter desolation, when man cannot express himself in positive action, when his only achievement may consist of enduring his sufferings in the right way–an honorable way–in such a position man can, through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved, achieve fulfillment. For the first time in my life I was able to understand the meaning of the words, “The angels are lost in perpetual contemplation of an infinite glory.”

While I’ve never read this passage before, I instantly recognize the feeling, meaning, and, ultimately, the most definite Truth of it.

This is one of the things that keeps me going. Has for years.

Maybe you recognize it, too.

If you don’t… maybe you should read it a few more times and then look at your own life.

Do you know that kind of Love? Is it what you’re looking for?

More importantly, is it what you give?

Amid all the high-minded and sweet sentiments, it’s always helpful to brush up on the actual biology and neuroscience behind the whole relationship thing.

Scientists have been picking at brains and bodies of lovers for generations, trying to distill (for one reason or another) the whys and wherefores of romance and lust. What they’ve found is a host of interesting things, ranging from the sometimes amorphous theories of psychology to the more easily measurable neuro-chemical reactions that go on.

If all you’re looking at is the neuro-chemical things that bring us together, there are at least five key ones that pack quite the collective punch.

According to this article over at How Stuff Works, they are:

1. Testosterone
2. Serotonin
3. Oxytocin
4. Vasopressin
5. Dopamine

All pretty powerful things. Most of which you can get from your doctor (though usually not as “love potions,” per se.)

They draw us close to one another, make us happy when we interact, make us really happy when we have sex, and, generally, get us addicted to one another.

Yes, you can, indeed, become addicted to love.

(You knew that was coming.)

Seriously, though, those chemicals can get in the way of our own safety and sensibility every now and then. That’s why some “detox time” is a good idea if either person involved in the relationship thinks things are getting a little out of hand.

Something More

Of course, biology and chemistry aren’t the only things that bring us together. There are plenty of other mundane things that do, too.

If you ask me, though, there’s always something more in the best and most healthy or fulfilling relationships. Something that’s not always scientific or sensible.

Not that I’d ever be able to convince most scientists of it.

For today’s questions, let’s forget for a second about all those chemicals we can’t control. I want to know what gets your juices flowing? What triggers your internal dopamine pump and maxes out your oxytocin. (And, if you’re already soaking in vasopressin, what overrides that monogamous trend?)

What Turns You On? (Click Here to Answer)

Questions from the previous days are still out there, waiting for you to answer them:

What’s your Perfect Valentine’s Day date? Click Here to Answer!

How do you feel about Valentine’s Day. Click Here to Answer!

And don’t forget the spread the love and share this post and these questions.

We’re less than two weeks out from one of the biggest “relationship” holidays there is.

As far back as the 17th century, giving cards was the thing to do. But, as technology improved and mass produced cards became more available (and there was an ability to easily send things anonymously through the mail), things really took off. Then, as with most things, the mid-20th century (specifically the 1980s) rolled around and really kicked things up a notch or ten.

Suddenly it wasn’t just cards any more. Now there were candies and chocolates. The jewelry places got involved and started pushing diamonds as the thing to give to show you cared.

We were told and sold that we had to really put forward our A-game in order to prove our worth to our lovers (and friends).

Having soaked long and deep in pop culture for most of my life, I know Valentine’s Day was a big deal for me. As a guy, I felt obligated to do something special if I was with someone at the time (which, really, didn’t come up all that often… most Valentine’s Days were spent sulking and bitter, full of ideas an no one to shower them upon).

Never once did I pull off the Perfect Valentine’s Day that I’d intended.

Something always went wrong.

Being it happens in the middle of winter, that “something” was often sickness or weather (or both, at least once). It didn’t help that the Valentine’s Days when I had someone to dote upon all happened when I was up in Northern New York, where winter really knew how to dig in deep and hold on for a long time. It also didn’t help that it often took place close to the midterms or finals.

One year, I had planned a fancy dinner and night out. Nothing too extravagant, but something impressive for a college student budget. My girlfriend took ill two days before and I had a huge paper due the day after. Those reservations were cancelled and the “big surprise” ended up being a kind of cheesy card bought hastily from Wegman’s.

Another year the plan was to go to a concert on campus together. Not on Valentine’s Day proper, but it would have been a nice, fun evening together we were both willing to count. Except that girlfriend broke up with me at the beginning of February.

That’s all behind me now, kinda…

Now, I have ideas of what I’d like to do for that certain someone (who I still don’t have), but at this point my ideas have become so elaborate that they border on grand romantic gestures (which are generally a bad idea, especially on holidays) and financially, if not logistically, impossible. (Armor and horse rental ain’t cheap.)

Mostly, I think I’d just rein in the fantastical imagination that I have and cook a nice dinner, pop in or dial up a fun movie, and spend the evening quietly together. Maybe with a box of heart shaped chocolates nearby.

Maybe.

My question to you today is: What does your Perfect Valentine’s Day date look like?

What’s your Perfect Valentine’s Day date?
(Click Here to Answer)

If, for some reason that poll doesn’t work for you, feel free to just answer below in the comments.

Also, yesterday’s question is still out there: How do you feel about Valentine’s Day.

Click here to answer it!

More stuff coming up as we inch toward that big read heart on the calendar. You should be sure to like the Facebook page and subscribe to the mailing list to be sure you’re in on all of it.

Once upon a time, the answer would have been, unabashedly, that I hate Valentine’s Day.

For many years that was my stance on the saccharine-sweet, commerce-created, sap-fest that happens every February 14th.

Of course, that’s when I was single and bitter about it… so… yeah.

As years have passed since those dark and lonely days, I’ve made peace with Cupid and his arrows. Generally, I’m now indifferent toward Valentine’s day as a concept. All the red and frills and fake-niceness (and real bitterness) it brings out still get to me, but I’ve gotten pretty good at not adding to the negativity most of the time.

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, I say use it as a chance to revel in some old crushes and build up the most important relationship you’re ever going to have: the one with yourself.

And if, by chance, you find yourself with just the right person on that day… well, by all means enjoy the hell out of it!

For anyone between those extremes of alone and together: you should probably figure that out and get to where you want to be.

Now you know how I feel about Valentine’s Day. I’m running a poll over on Facebook to find out how other people feel about it. So, click the button below and give me your answer! (And you can even Like the Without Being Crushed fan page while you’re over there.)

How do you feel about Valentine’s Day?
(Click Here to Answer)

If, for some reason that poll doesn’t work for you, feel free to just answer below in the comments.

Right, it’s been a while since there’s been a proper update here. Sorry about that. As I mentioned a while back in a post on my other blog, things have been a bit chaotic lately for me.

But now I want to try to kick a little more life into things around here, at least for a little while. Fan the flames of the cooling relationship I have with all y’all… stuff like that.

Starting Wednesday (February 1), I’m going to start asking questions, mostly via Facebook (since that’s where everyone is these days), about a few different topics starting off with Valentine’s day.

To get in on the conversation pop over to the Without Being Crushed fan page, “like it” and keep an eye on your stream tomorrow.

That all said, how have you guys been?

How much adventure can you stand in your relationship?

Here’s a quick little video that focuses on two basejumpers, Jeb Corliss and Roberta Mancino. They tell a little of how they met and how their love of things other people hate keeps them pushing the limits.

That sort of life is a bit intense compared to what most of us live, but it shows a fearlessness that we can all learn from.

The biggest jumps most of us will make aren’t off buildings, but into relationships. And while that won’t send us sailing across landscapes at breakneck speeds, it can feel just as exciting… and be just as dangerous.

So, leap with your eyes open and be ready to deal with a tangle or two in your lines. Dangerous, indeed, but worth it.

A friend of mine is currently reading through Joan Didon’s book Play It As It Lays. I haven’t read it myself, and I’m not really conversant in Didon’s work (I did remember she did the screenplay for the 70s version of A Star is Born and I remember seeing stuff about her 2005 book A Year of Magical Thinking). This friend commented:

Ah crud, I think the nihilism of Joan Didion’s main character in “Play It As It Lays” is getting to me–while out walking on this gorgeous fall day, I was mumbling stuff like, “There are no rules in relationships. There’s only what people like and don’t like.” And I was already a little nihilistic to begin with. Next time you see me, don’t be surprised if I’m wearing a black turtleneck and muttering things about the futility of existence between exhalations of cigarette smoke.

Now, the small bit of tongue-in-cheek-ness aside, that raised what I think is an interesting question. (And since she’s decided to not pursue a bit of public dialog on the subject, I’m going to jump in and not let the thought go to waste.)

Where do rules in a relationship come from?

There are a number of different places you can find rules for relationships. Pop culture is full of relationship rules. Others show up in numerous books on the subject. Still others are dictated by religion. And others come from the sub-cultures you may be part of.

Thing is, a lot of those rules conflict–not just with one another, but with common sense.

Pop Culture Relationship Rules

Pop culture relationship rules, the most popular ones we all know about, can cause some of the worst problems. They’re also the ones that can be in the most conflict with themselves.

Things like having to wait three days before calling someone after a first date or otherwise hiding just how into someone you are encourage game playing that hinges on obfuscation and suppression of how you actually feel. Other pop culture rules (like what’s supposed to happen on the third date or what’s expected of a man or woman in a relationship) can push people into things that they’re not comfortable with just so they can fit in.

And then there’s the over-emphasis on tragedy in a relationship that’s been the lynchpin of romance as far back as ancient mythology. The whole Romeo & Juliet idea of star-crossed lovers, while there are times it does legitimately play out, is a thing that far too many people latch on to without remembering just how poorly that relationship setup ended.

Anyone who tries to follow all the pop culture rules is going to just spin themselves wild trying to be both open and closed to sex, honest and game-playing, tragic and heroic… there’s not time or energy in that sort of mix for much good to come out of the relationship.

Relationship Experts Write the Rules

Much the same can be said about any rules put forward on relationship experts (myself included). I can hit the self-help or relationship section of a bookstore and pull a dozen books from the shelves. Half of them will offer advice directly in opposition to what the other half say is the “right” way to do things in a relationship.

There are thousands of books that have been written by relationship experts. Thousands more write regular advice columns or websites dedicated to the subject.

Do the offer bad advice? It really depends. For some people, yes. For others, no.

Relationships and Religion

Who wins and who loses in a relationship based on religious rules really depends on how you see yourself interacting in the world. The idea of “equals” in a relationship isn’t something you’ll find in most classic religions. They’re pretty heavy into the patriarchy. So, if you’re a woman, you better be okay with being at least a little subservient, if not outright considered property. Some more modern interpretations even this out a little, but there’s still the male bias to be dealt with if you’re looking for any solid and specific advice.

More modern neo-pagan religions can sometimes skew the other way, but tend to be a little more balanced in the roles of male and female in a relationship. They’re also open to the whole polyamorous idea in many cases. But then you get, once again, into the problem of lots of conflicting rule suggestions.

Sub-culture Rules and Expectation

Every sub-culture brings with it its own set of rules. Best known is probably the proper protocols for interacting with people in a DBSM arena (it involves a whole lot of frank discussion of where limits are, for good reason). Other sub-cultures–from hippies to high schoolers to rock stars–all have culture specific rules that apply as long as you’re involved directly in that sub-culture.

That’s great as long as your relationship never leaves that sub-culture. But what about when it does? Or if only one person in the relationship is involved in the sub-culture? That’s where the sub-culture dictated rules fall apart quickly.

The Real Relationship Rules

There is only one place relationship rules can really come from: the people involved in the relationship.

This is why it’s so important for each person in a relationship to know themselves. If you don’t know what you like, you can’t tell someone else what they can do for you. And if a lot of relationship interactions are one person constantly hitting on things that the other doesn’t like, well, that relationship can quickly become a bad memory.

The second part of that, of course, is communicating your likes, wants, and needs to your partner. From there, you can come up with personal and individual relationship rules.

The real rules of a relationship are unique to that relationship.

Very often, they’re in conflict with some other set of rules that we’ve been indoctrinated into. Those external rules, though, don’t take into account the nuances of interacting with individuals and should always take a back seat to the more personal relationship rules.

So how about you? Where do the rules in your relationship come from?

Over the years I’ve made a lot of mistakes in relationships.

Over those same years, I’ve watched a lot of other people make a lot more. (Mostly because I wasn’t actually doing anything other than observing… hard to make mistakes of your own when you’re not participating.)

From all that pain and suffering (plus a few years studying things like interpersonal communication), I’ve seen that there are four things you can do to give you better quality relationships–be they romantic or platonic.

1. Listen Deeply

Relationships, especially romantic ones, aren’t just all about you. There’s another person there and they need to be heard. More than that, they need to be listened to.

What’s the difference?

Hearing someone is a passive thing. It happens whether you want it to or not as your ears pick up the sounds their mouth is making. Sure, it may all devolve into a Charlie Brown adult warbling drone, but you’re hearing what they’re saying.

Listening to someone is more than just hearing the sounds coming out of their mouth. It’s trying to hear what’s between the words, what’s beneath them, around them. Listening is an active search for meaning. A collaborative process that often involves questions to clarify what you think you’re hearing. It also includes paying attention to body language and other non-verbal cues.

Even if you don’t get it right, just trying will teach you a lot about yourself and your partner. The effort will make them feel like they’re more part of the relationship and will most likely lead to them listening better to you.

2. Speak Honestly

Speaking honestly is more than just not lying to your partner. Speaking honestly is speaking from your heart, with your mind as moderator–keeping emotions you know are counter productive in check so you can clearly communicate why you’re feeling the way you are.

It’s also not coddling them. If there’s bad news to pass on, do it quickly and directly. There is no good time for some things–only now and a worse time. If you worry too much about how much what you have to say will hurt your partner, know that the pain (for both of you) will only get worse the longer you put it off. No relationship has ever been saved by putting off important discussions until things are on the verge of exploding.

Along those same lines, share the good and the bad. If you only ever get deep when things are dark, that’s going to set a precedent of nervousness and foreboding whenever you want to communicate. When you feel something, express it in the best way possible, as soon as possible. That flow is what can really make dynamic, healthy relationships thrive. (Especially when coupled with listening.)

3. Interact Openly

Interact openly with your partner and other people in your life. It lets everyone feel like they are a part of something good.

If you’re sneaking around, ask yourself why you’re doing that. Then deal with those reasons directly. If you’re worried about how your partner (or others) will judge what you’re doing, talk to them about it. Chances are, you’re projecting some deeper fear of your own onto the reactions you’re expecting from them.

Or maybe you really are doing something wrong. If that’s the case, stop it. Wrong for you is wrong for the relationship. If it’s right for you but wrong for the relationship, you need to reevaluate the relationship’s place in your life.

There are some cases where it’s impossible to interact as openly as you’d like. These are rare occasions that should always be critically looked at and have their pros and cons weighed. Secrecy is a relationship killer. It also makes you less of who you could be.

4. Maintain Your Sense of Self

A healthy relationship takes place between (at least) two complete people. If you cannot stand on your own, there will be major flaws in any relationship you are in. If you don’t know who you are–and, more importantly, if you don’t like who you are–others are going to have great difficulty relating to you in a positive manner.

Take time for yourself. Even if that means time away from your partner. Encourage them to do the same. The more stable each of you is as an individual, the happier and more productive you can be as a couple.

These are four simple things to keep in mind… but they are far from easy things to do in life. Don’t beat yourself up too badly if you fail every now and then at one (or four) of them. Stand up, dust yourself off, apologize to anyone who needs to be apologized to (including yourself), and start living by them again.