How to Live Again

How to Destroy Everything in your life - One moment at a time

2012-05-18T17:06:00.001-04:00

Ok, so here I am trying to pick the pieces of my broken life up. I lost my necklace :-( My brakes are broke. My family thinks I am a failure. I am finally working (no job since the day after last Christmas). I swear they may as well pay me in peanuts... But hey! I am alive and free and So is my boyfriend. Oh yeah, no friends... no where to live right now *blah* All because this stupid butch from Indiana, near Chicago named Nichole Anne Jacobs decided that she wanted to run away to here, met my boyfriend while he was in mental crisis and got him hooked of fucking herion>>>

FML!!

2011-11-05T14:06:00.001-04:00

My boyfriend don't want to be my boyfriend. He wants a "coven" of girls. (don't they all). I am so hurt and heart broken and I don't even know what to say. In this whole fucked up situation, I am supposed to be at the top of the 'hierarchical ladder', but I am on the bottom rung just getting shit on. ovet and over and over again.
I must be the stupidest woman who ever lived. there is this girl he's got with us (don't let you imagination go wild, nothing kinky going on... hell, he hasn't touched me ib like a half a year) and they fight lie crazy. they a supposed to be friends, but they were arguing rather heatedly and he shouted that he's in love with her. my world came crashing down. we have more or less been ith each othrt for 13 (pushing 14) years. He has known her for like 3 months. he says he loves ne and I know he loves me but i guess he isn't in love with me. I am so being used. I am so stupis. He wants her and I don't know why he don't let me go. I am too stupid to leave him because I love him. I'm freaking dying here. I love him and I am totally in love with him. He hurts me so bad and never apologizes. never hugs me. Won't touch me. But he says such sweet things to her. Then they fight. They carry on and on and they honestly don't even like each other, but claim to be oh so in love.
So where and what does that leave me? I have given up everything and everyone in my life for him and I don't mean a damn to him. God! I am so emotionally wounded and he says i'm 'playing' and trying to get attention. Truthfully, neither of them seems to think aboout anyone outside of themselves. They bot have ate, drank and partied up so fucking much of money that I worked so hard for. do either of them thank me or repay me, or even just offer to repay me in some capacity? well, yeah, they thank me by fucking behind my back. by taking from me and wounding my heart and my pride.
he thinks (or says this is what he thinks) that I am mean to him. he does all these dirty things and shows me n affection. They say "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." I think this is what that means. I can't help that I am angry and hurt. He said we was gonna get married and then he stabs a knife deep in my heart and twists it in and sticks his head so far up her ass he has no way to see me.
I freaking love him. So much and I a hurt so bad and I honestly don't know what to do.
My heart says stay. My mind says "No! You dumb bitch. You should go. He don't care about you the way you need fot him to."
He does not understand what he is doing to me. He don't get it. He is losing me. I don't want to go. I want to be with him forever, but if he don't want me.... whats the oint? Why does he have to play thes games with my heart? It is so broken... so, so broken.
What did I do to deserve this?

2011-10-21T04:25:00.000-04:00

Wow! I have so much on my mind right now. Wish there was someone in my life that I could turn to. Someone who would not judge. Someone who would listen and offer sound advice. I keep screwing up, people. I have a kind and forgiving heart. Always have. This is my undoing. Right here and right now. I am torn. I keep thinking the joys in my life are real. As soon as my head is in the clouds and I am truely happy... my heart is ripped from my chest and stomped into a million tiny little pieces. The people I think know me the best, I realize they don't know me at all. I mean, they truely have no clue who I am. Put shit on me and hold all this shiton me. Past mistakes are just that. The past. I try to move forward, seek forgiveness for my wrong doings... but is it ever enough?
I used to have such dreams. I wanted to go so far. Now, I feel stuck. Sad and alone. I know a lot of people, but... we don't know each other, really. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for a lot. I may do foolish things, but a fool, I am not. When the truth stares you in the face, you have to accept it. Perhaps the thins I long for are not for me. There are things in this life I require. Needs that have gone too long, unmet. I have not done enough wrong in this life to deserve the crap I have had dished out to me. Matter of fact, I should have a lot of good karma heading straight to me. Why, then, do I feel like I get the crap end of everything? Go ahead with your priorities. Put everyone ahead of me. Forget I, too, am human. I dream, hope, breathe and bleed too, damnit! Don't worry about my needs, but don't expect me to worry about yours.
I have done and done for over a decade. Given and given. Am I noticed, thanked, APPRECIATED, hugged, held or adored in any way, ever? Hell no. I am taken for grantid. All I do and say is... rather poointless. In the end, I'll have nothing. No husband, no children, no true friends. Sadness and sollitude... my only companions. While the one other person I love with all my heart, wastes all his time and all of our time on those people who are truely beneath both of us. I can't take the lies and deception in my life anymore. And if I am imagining them... I am sure there are past events that contributed to my imagination.
Problem is... I don't know what to do. I want to get married and have a baby or 2 or 3... but I just don't know anymore if he wants me...

2011-09-07T19:25:00.002-04:00

for the love of all that is holy in this world
i pray some generous deity
take pity
take this hopeless life away

each breath is painful
every moment hurts
i would bleed my life away
if i was brave enough to try

i stand here
with all of you
alone amongst the crowed
by myself beside you

and i cry
and i screeam
no one hears
no one sees

you all dwell
on nothing
and i sit here dying
all alone

ok, so it is a sucky poem. i don't really care. i am so sad and all alone. i have no one and nowhere to go. no one knows me. who or what i am. i feel so trapped. i want a happy life and i want to die. it is so hard being pulled both ways. i just want to scream. the world is so against me.

2011-07-03T22:59:00.002-04:00

Standing here
before you
beside you
there is nothing
I could hide from you

My heart beats
for you
and for me
only

In this moment
I know nothing
and everything

Little matters
in this small space
between us
There is a great wide world
all around us
But the world
is only for us

Strength and fear
abound all around
Though nothing can break us
nothing can stand against us

One
is strong and vigilant
but two
(me and you)
is a force much greater

Take my hand
Let's make a stand
All those who stand against
Shall fall before us

And none shall break
or even overtake
the proximity
of you and me

(Love you always and forever)

2011-06-28T01:01:00.002-04:00

Let me tell you a story about this necklace. It has been around. My boyfriend bought it for me at a place called "The Gothic Edge" in Covington, KY. It is a silver charm made up of 2 bones made into a cross with a rose down from the center. I fell in love with it when I saw it. That was probably the summer of 2004.
Skip ahead to March 31, 2008. My boyfriend had been out celebrating after the biirth of his Nephew, a few hours before. We had not been home an hour, yet. I had went outside to smoke a cigerette and had been inside less than 5 minutes. My cable went out and I called the cable company when I heard a FAINT beeping in the hall. I opened the door to see what was up. The freeking hall was filled with white smoke. I hung up with cable, called 911 (who transfered me to the fire dept.... what precious seconds they had while hell was literelly breaking loose) and the freaking fire department had the nerve to ask my screaming, panicking self if I was sure there was a fire. Dumb asses! anyway all at the same time, I'm screaming for my boyfriend to get out the building is on fire (btw... we were on the third floor). We opened the door and there was nothing but a raging infeno of pitch black and angry, evil, unrelenting red and orange flames and unbelievable heat licking your only exit. Anyway we ran to the back bedroom as far as we cound get and miracle of all... jumpped 3 floors to nothing but the ground below. Well, I managed to jump in a tree and he was hurt pretty bad andin hospital for a week and some other guy died. All this because some nut bag couldn't have the girl he wanted so he set the building on fire and then hung himself a week later. Can you believe we lost everything and nearly our lives and did not get one red cent for that because it was arson. And he only had access like that because the apartment did not have their unoccupied apartments locked.
Anyway, my boyfriends Sister went in after the aftermath and peeled my necklace off the bedpost.
Then I lost it and tried to get the people I bought it from to sell me another one. They told me it handmade, one if a kind. (after all those years the guy remembered it after I described it.)
We went to a friends a while later. Boyfriend opens a drawer. Guess what he found...... Assholes stole something 1 of a kind from me. They said it must have been similar and I could have it if I wanted it... Like I wasn't going to keep what's mine...

see... history.... I love this necklace!

what a mess i've made

2011-06-26T19:00:00.001-04:00

i think i've been stuck here in kentuky for far too long. i had dreams, no all that long ago, either. i have no real ties to anywhere and i am not dead, so there is nothing holding me back.
i think it is about time to head on the road again. chase down some dreams, again. live a little, again.
it has been such a long, long time since i have felt like i had any real control of my life. i need to get that back. fear is the only thing that has kept me here. fear of what is out there. fear of what is not going to be there.
but, shit, there are oppertunities and adventures around every bend. and heaven knows my will is strong. i can go anywhere and do anything. there is no one to stop me, but me.
i am so unhappy here. i need to leave soon. september, i think.
wish me luck. i need a place to live and a job.... i'm thinking california. fresh start, here i come!

what a whore

2011-06-25T16:26:00.001-04:00

the biggest whore i know of. you can get it hot (if you are lucky) and fresh (sometimes). sometimes it's sloppy and oftentimes you are left wondering just what you got.

2011-06-18T06:19:00.001-04:00

cincinnati, ohio

i really love this city. it gets damn cold in the wintertime and hot as hell in the summer. there is actually a lot to do around here, too. nature, museums, wildlife, amusement parks (kings island), concert venues, etc...

i do wish a better concert lineup would come to town, though.

2012 - fact or funny

2011-06-17T10:14:00.001-04:00

this got a laugh out of me. i would love to see some comments here. do you think there is any real significance to 2012? is the world going to end? (if you believe it is, then by all means, transfer all your money to me and let's get this party started) everyone has an opinion on this. what is yours?

sheltered spirits - poem

2011-06-17T02:36:00.001-04:00

sheltered spirits
grown and gone
knew not what love was
when they were young

now grown old
and gone from this earth
they long for unknown love
and a chance at rebirth

but spirits are
as they have always been
something too old
to live again

so love is offered
to every child born
but no promise of love
is ever sworn

poem - from 2008

2011-06-16T15:30:00.001-04:00

Never meant to be
true joy is but a dream
strive and sweat
try as we might
never giving up
this nasty fight

is it pride
that is so hard to swallow
or just a nasty side
within which to wallow
filled with such dark thoughts
for the mind to ponder

oh the soul rots
while the mind wanders
but there is that heart beating
warning and sreaming
its trust so fleating
when your mind cant stop dreaming

so what is real
but a love so true
cant you feel
its meant only for you

crazy people stay away from me

2011-06-14T21:40:00.001-04:00

as it is, i work 3rd shift in a fast food restaurant. i have to deal with nutty people ona near daily basis. whenever i am not working, all i want to do is relax. trust me, i hate the things i have to deal with at work. the problem is, my boyfriend, whom i love very much, seems to attract the craziest of the crazies. stay away from me you wack-jobs. good lord, help me. i am not going to put up with the crrap from my job in my personal life. at least i get paid at work.

maybe i'll get to say i love you - poem

2011-06-14T20:21:00.001-04:00

In every heart
there is a song
of the good , the bad,
the right and the wrong

we hold ourselves to what we see
and sometimes forget what we really want to be

something holds me back
when I come your way
I can never find the words
to tell you what I want to say

I always want to say
I love you
because I know in my heart
that it is true

But I don't think
you could understand
how I feel like this
There is something
I'm sure you would miss

So I turn and face the wind
and somehow I feel as if I have sinned
I'll tell you it ' s the wind in my eye
that has made me begin to cry

It is not going to be
my heart that aches
because I cannot
place the stakes

But one day
we'll meet on the sacred ground
and we'll be chased by this hound

The truth
it will come out
and our feelings
will no longer be in doubt.

Because
in every heart
there is a song
of the good , the bad,
the right and the wrong

random thoughts - poem

2011-06-14T20:12:00.001-04:00

Staring into the night sky
I have to stop
and wonder why
the world is
as it is

Slowly the hours tick past
'till I am alone
at last
with my thoughts
minus my dreams

And I wonder
how high
That butterfly can fly
before he falls
and dies

And when I look at you
I see at last
A smile that is true
True to itself
and no one else

You lie to me, to her, to him , to them
and you make me cry
for you , for me, for her and him
and all of them

And dreams fall apart
with every beat
of my breaking heart
and I kiss you one last time
and never even say goodbye

My mind races
with endless thoughts
and old forgotten faces
fearing that one day
you will number among the forgotten

There is so much of you
that has been given to me
I'm telling this true
because as I inhale deeply
it is your face I see

Just know
time may pass
but wherever you may go
We are one
in some small way

anything you want - story written in 1993

2011-06-14T19:17:00.001-04:00

PROLOGUE
She woke up with a start, not knowing where she was. The room was dark, but she could make it out as her eyes adjusted to the darkness.
She was in a large bed with satin sheets. When she looked around, she could see no other furniture, but there were large throw pillows on the floor.
Moonlight seeped in the windows, giving the pillows a satin appearance. She could also see unlit candles and two doors in the room. She climbed out of the bed.
The cool air in the room chilled her bare skin, but the plush carpet kept her feet warm. She walked to one door and tried to open it, but it was locked from the outside . She walked to the other door and reached out slowly , afraid it would be locked, too . She grabbed the knob and turned it . The door opened.
She was in another room now. There were more unlit candles and a pack of matches. She lit all the candles and looked around. This was a very large bathroom with a table covered with cosmetics, fresh -cut roses, a large Jacuzzi , and everything else a bathroom would have.
She knew that she could not leave , so she returned to the bed . She wrapped herself up in the sheet and fell asleep as a tear slipped down her cheek.

"It's time to wake up and learn your duties." She woke up and looked at the person by the bed.
"Duties?" She asked sleepily.
"Yes Mistress , your duties , but first you will be bathed and fed."
"But what are my duties ?"
"Do not concern yourself with that now . It has been a long night and we haven't much time . Now, please get up and follow me."
She got out of the bed and when the chilly air hit her, she remembered that she had no cloths on . She blushed from embarrassment and grabbed the satin sheet and wrapped it around herself.
"You need not be embarrassed . You were chosen because of your beauty."
"Chosen? Could you please tell me what is going on ?"
"As I said , we haven' t the time. I have already drawn your bath. Now, come on."
She followed the other person into the bathroom , dropped the sheet , and climbed into the bath . An hour or so later, after she had been bathed , dressed , and fed , she was taken into a lounge . It was a very large room with expensive , comfortable furniture and large bookcases filled with old books.
After about five minutes, a tall, slender man entered the room . When she saw his face , the events of the previous night came flooding back , as tears welled up in her eyes.
She recalled everything from the day before . Her father came home drink and started yelling at her mother and her little sister . Then he hit her mother . She remembered her mother screaming and her little sister running to hide. That was all she could take. She grabbed her keys and drove to a club where she knew her friends would be .
When she got to the club, she found her friends and told them everything that had happened. A man in the corner heard the story , and invited her to join him at his table. She accepted and he ordered her a drink.
"For a price," he said, "I'll solve your problem."
She knew what he meant.
"I don' t have much money, sir. " She said sobbing.
"But a beautiful , young girl like yourself must have something . " he said smiling as he ordered her another drink . She sat for a long while, drinking her drink and thinking.
"My dear," he said "I don't make this offer to make many strangers. I choose only those who I feel can make the best use of this offering . Think about how much happier your mother and sister will be."
With that , her ordered her another drink. "I don't have much at all , sir , but if you will do this, I'll give you anything you want ; anything I can give you."
The man smiled at her , and whispered something to another man, probably his bodyguard. The bodyguard escorted her out of the club and into a limo. She fell asleep on the seat of the limo and the next thing she remembered was waking up in that large bed.
Now she was sitting face to face with the man who killed her father. " What does he want from me?" She thought . " I promised him anything I could give him."
"Well my dear," he began, "you have promised me anything I want and after careful consideration , I have decided that it is you that I want . Now, now . Don't look so sad . I am a wealthy man. You will have an easy life . You will be able to come and go as you please, so long as you please me. You have a choice , though. You must pay my price , somehow . You can marry me, and be mine in life , or you can choose not to marry me and be mine in death. Think about it. Think of how good your life will be if you stay here with me."
With that he left her to her thoughts and locked the door. She thought about it. She had had a hard life . She had worked since she was fifteen, graduated high school with a 4 . 0 grade point average, and now she was nineteen and struggling through college . She had dealt with an abusive , alcoholic step-father since she was seven. Quite frankly, she was sick of the hard life .
Here , she would have servants to look after her , a man who desired her , and more money than she knew what to do with. All she had to do was please him . Just as she decided on her answer , he returned .
"Your decision?" He asked.
"My decision," she smiled "is yes."
This seemed to please him very much . "Then we shall be married tomorrow night . Later, your duties will be explained to you, but for now , I have business to attend to . " Again he left, but this time, the door stood wide open .
To be continued. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

living in grey - poetry

2011-06-14T17:59:00.000-04:00

Listen.......

A silent voice whispers dark thoughts
hatreds....

Into the mind distanced
from the revolving
swiftly changing
ever
never
forever !!!

....the world around
the world that surrounds

The now and then
...the forever until the end !!
The broken promise
...The not so sacred vow

I'll love you forever
but never now...!