Tell us about yourself:

I’m a teacher and a writer with a background in anthropology.

How do you define virginity?

It’s a completely personal definition – having had sex with both men and women, I would consider the first time with each to be losing my virginity.

Tell us your story

When I was 19, I lost the textbook penis-in-vagina virginity to my boyfriend, a man of my own age that I had dated for a year and who I was completely in love with. We had talked about having sex beforehand and while we bought condoms, hoping it would “happen naturally”, we ended up planning it out like a military operation. It was painful and I didn’t come, though I think my boyfriend did. Afterwards I fled to a friend’s room, but since she was a virgin herself, she took me to one of her friends who was sexually experienced. Lots of hugs and encouragement ensued. Through practice, my boyfriend and I ended up having pretty darn good sex, if I do say so myself.

Interestingly, I later ended up losing my sex-with-a-woman virginity to the sexually experienced friend that I talked to on that first night. By that point I was in a relationship with her. My first experience with a woman was much more relaxed and pleasurable than my first relationship with a man. However, I think that difference had a lot to do with my increased understanding of my own sexuality and comfort with my body, which I gained through sex with men.

Any thoughts on virginity in our society?

Firsts are always important, but the concept has become detrimental to the individual’s pleasure. I think most people, especially women, have a crappy or neutral first experience. And that’s OK! Practice makes perfect, believe me. We shouldn’t put virginity on a pedestal, and I think it’s OK to share your body with people that you love and trust without it somehow detracting from your value.

Tell us about yourself:

I’m a 25-year-old administrative assistant for a construction company. I have every intention of breaking away to join Charlotte Fire Department as a public servant by September 2012.

How do you define virginity?

I don’t define it. I suppose I define it as a word that is used by those too uncomfortable with themselves to accept that it just doesn’t matter.

Tell us your story:

I didn’t become comfortable with myself until I reached college. I’m 5’10″ and 160lbs of muscle. I always felt like I intimidated guys in high school so I never thought any of them would give me the time of day. I met Jim and started dating him. We had about four months of just straight making out before we proceeded to any of the other “bases” (might as well use an outdated anecdote). It was very uncomfortable because it was the first time for everything for both of us—I don’t remember it being uncomfortable though. We were so close, so in love. Nothing was ever weird between us. We had decided in December that we would wait until New Years Eve to “hit a home run.” That was probably my idea, as I was thinking it was some magical moment (**Spoiler alert!! It’s not!!**). I don’t know how many times I was told you can’t have it back, that you’ll never be able to undo the deed. Oh but I loved Jim—I’m not Catholic like the rest of my family, so I was okay with sex outside of marriage, but I was still holding onto the idea that he HAD to be the one.

Anyway, back to the sex: We didn’t end up making it to January 1st. It happened on December 30^th—I suppose one of us was just too horny. I remember distinctly how long Jim spent in the bathroom trying to get the condom on, how there was very little foreplay, how I wasn’t overwhelmed with pain, how I didn’t bleed, how much longer it lasted than what I had been told, how during coitus I thought, “this is it?” Don’t get me wrong, Jim had all the right parts and he put them in all the right places, but there was no magical moment. No fireworks (damn, I should have waited one more day!). It was there, and then it was gone. It didn’t change me. It didn’t change my relationship with Jim. We continued dating for another two years and have since moved on. Sure, I won’t forget that specific act because it was awkward and scary and I remember lying on the bed while he was in the bathroom and I was shivering—not from the cold but from all the millions of things I had been told.

I think the best part of it all, the part that made me realize that it’s society and my family and my waiting-for-marriage friends who forced me to feel that way, was a few days later after I had told my best friend, she brought me a potted plant of tulips. She said it’s a ritual in her family for women to receive flowers from their mothers after they lose their virginity. I’m not sure why that meant so much to me. I suppose it was because not many people celebrate having sex outside of marriage.

Any thoughts on virginity in our society?

I think so much pressure is put on women no matter the age to act “appropriate.” Women aren’t allowed to be sexual beings, they are only allowed to be used as such. Virginity is just one of the many ankle weights that is destroying self-esteem in so many young women. I would never say that everyone should have sex before they are married, but if we were to do away with that construct, would anyone still wait? I just think when you’re ready, you should have all the pressure against you.

Want to tell your story? Go to our submission page.

She recently contacted us with an inspiring update (complete with German Chocolate Cake) and we’re really excited to publish it here. If you want to tell your story–or update your own status–go to our submission form. We’d love to run it in this blog!

Tell us about yourself (again)
I’m a 27-year-old, black, straight recovering Southern Baptist female with a tendency towards over analysis.  I wrote a First Person way back in July 2010, about virginity as process. Well, last week, right before my birthday, I finally took the plunge.  And after I lost my virginity, I thought of three people to tell: My best friend, my college roomie and you for the blog.

How did you lose it?
I met him at a party. I hadn’t even planned on going, but my girlfriend texted and it had been such a day that I wanted to let my hair down.  A handsome, 34-year-old Johnny Depp-type, I didn’t think he’d be interested, but as the night wore on it was apparent that we needed to get out of there or risk scandalizing the other guests. We went to his place, and hooked up, but no sex.

We spent the next day together, had lunch, snuggled, played video games.  That second night while fooling around, I made the “big reveal.” To his credit he was not incredulous, but considerate, asking how far I’d gone, and what I wanted. As things got hotter, he kept asking me, but I kept holding back (though my body’s responses belied my words). Finally, going out of my mind with desire, I decided to give in to what I wanted.

It was unlike anything I’d expected.  It wasn’t awkward, or particularly painful. But it was unfamiliar… a sensory overload. Thankfully, I was with a guy who knew it was my first time, made communication a priority and cared about making that a good experience.

How did you feel afterwards?
When we were done, he started stroking my face and asked how I felt. And I told him: “That was great, but I don’t feel any different. I don’t feel used, or broken, or in love, or guilty or like a new woman. I still feel like me…and its fucking fantastic.”  I was worried that as much as I’ve progressed, some vestige of fundamentalist guilt would haunt me afterwards.  So when it didn’t, I was thrilled.

And did I mention afterwards he gave me German chocolate cake? Best post-coital offering ever!

Any final thoughts?
Though I’m really into him, before we started, I gave him two conditions:

1. I didn’t want our having sex to label us in an exclusive relationship.
2. I didn’t want our having sex now to take the possibility of a future relationship off the table, once we got to know each other

“So, even though we’re going to have sex, you want to take things slow?”  Yup, because sex does not a relationship make, and its too early, in my mind to start labeling. We want to get to know each other. But it hasn’t prevented us from having a really great week, and I’m excited to see how things turn out.

So yeah, happy birthday to me.

What do they do? Who are they for? Submit your own captions in the comments!

Tell us about yourself:

I am an 18-year-old female sociology student at Aquinas College. It is catholic—I am not. I have a fascination with all topics relating to sex, women, gender and popular culture.

How do you define virginity?

I define virginity in shades—i.e. penis in vagina virginity, anal virginity, oral, etc.

Tell us your story:

I am not a virgin, by my definition, including all shades. I have only had sex in committed relationships, though I don’t want that to be the only way I ever experience it. I think that being comfortable with sexuality is very important, especially for women. For a very long time I was extremely uncomfortable with giving oral sex, perhaps because I had been told that it was ‘degrading.’ I have found that I have a much higher sex drive than my partners, something which they have commented on as being ‘uncommon.’ Losing my virginity, especially to another virgin, was not very pleasurable, and I worry sometimes about the people who are overly fixated on their first time being ‘magical’ or whatever. Sex and sexuality are journeys that only get better with time.

Any thoughts on virginity in our society?

The focus on female virginity is only detrimental to gender equality—only once people stop seeing young women as things to be ‘protected’ can women really be equal in our society. Never regret, only learn and grow.

Want to tell your story? Go to our submission page.

From time to time, we run a First Person culled from our comments section. One of our most popular threads is older virgins, and this post in particular has inspired a lot of discussion. Here SWAB talks about masculinity and sexuality, and the parts guys don’t discuss but should. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We’d love to run it in this blog!

I’ve worked many different jobs. Usually it is the lower class, lower paid jobs where there is much talk of sexual bravado. Many guys talk about Friday from 5pm to early Monday morning being one long porn movie. The guys who don’t participate in the bravado are looked upon as unmanly, gay or inexperienced.

Being tight-lipped will get you this reputation. This is a form of sexual harassment many men must endure that really isn’t talked about in society. Even if they lose their virginity at 18, they will hear boasting in the locker room at 16 and feel either left out or try to make something up to fit in.

Most of this bragging is about status and power. It’s kind of like someone driving an SUV to “prove” they have value. You can see in many of the posts of older male virgins the cruelty they have been subjected to. There is inequity and power play between the haves/have nots.

I remember other males boasting about sex. My feelings were very different. Even though I love sex there were and are many awkward moments. You’ll never hear a guy bragging about the difficulty about getting a condom on, awkwardness about different positions, trouble getting in there or sliding out in the throes of passion, coming too soon etc…

Ironically, I didn’t feel more masculine/powerful after losing my virginity. First time was awkward and I was happy to have it over with, like finishing finals at school. I did not have any male friends to discuss the experience with. Obviously I did not discuss with my family. I did not have any contact with the girl afterwards.

I felt that skydiving was more of a step towards manhood and realized that I had done something most men and woman will never try. This is somewhat elitist, I also somehow feel more “experienced” when discussing the use of psychedelic drugs to someone who has never tried.

Now I realize I have ranted….

I was trying to get to the point that sexuality is a measure of power in some circles. It seems that sex is easily had via prostitutes/one night stands etc. Though I have indulged in this lifestyle without guilt or serious consequences, I do not recommend it.

Now something much rarer is love and acceptance. The only human who loved me was my long-gone grandmother. Most people try in vain to find this in relationships…. My parents had a bitter marriage. The virgins fear they are missing out on sex and closeness to another. My experience is the sex part is easy, the closeness part I might not have in this life.

There is an excellent G’N'R video where Axl Rose comes off a bus stop with a straw of hay in his mouth; presumably coming from a small town where he had no friends and his family misunderstood him. After a few years in the “jungle” he would’ve experienced things that people in his small town can only imagine. That has kind of been my path in life.

For anyone who thinks we don’t have a problem with attitudes towards virginity and women’s sexuality in this country, let me set you straight. I’m out of the country so I’m just catching up on all the discussion last week regarding an amazingly invasive anti-abortion bill that passed in Virginia. My former Chicago Tribune colleague Eric Zorn wrote about it in the paper:

This month Republican majorities in both chambers in Virginia’s Legislature passed one of the strictest mandatory pre-abortion ultrasound bills* in the nation — a measure that’s certain to require women seeking early-stage abortions to submit to being vaginally penetrated by a condom-covered electronic probe before the abortion is allowed to proceed.

He’s referring to a trans-vaginal ultrasound, a procedure where the ultrasound wand is inserted into the vagina to get more detailed images than can be obtained from outside on the belly. Many people have been outraged about this requirement and have written about this, but I’m quoting Eric’s column because of a comment he got on this post that he then highlighted on his blog. This is the comment he received:

When you write about a woman seeking an abortion having “to submit to being vaginally penetrated by a condom covered electric probe” I understand you are trying to shock your readers using this metaphor, however hasn’t the woman’s vagina already been penetrated? We are not discussing a virgin.

Basically, once a woman’s had intercourse, what’s the big deal if she’s penetrated again, under whatever circumstances? Unbelievably, this attitude has come up several times in the discussion of this bill. I checked the calendar and it’s indeed 2012, and the fact that this virgin/whore model of female sexuality persists is astonishing and horrifying.

It hearkens back to US rape laws that punished the penetration of a virgin far more harshly than if it happened to woman who was not considered a virgin. Restitution went to the wronged party–the father or future husband of the woman–to compensate for the damage to ‘property.’ While these laws are thankfully no longer on the books, the attitude remains. Rape victims today can expect their sexual history to be used against them to diminish or destroy their case.

So Virginia has now passed a bill requiring totally medically-unnecessary involuntary state-mandated penetration for any woman seeking an abortion in Virginia. In other words, government-sanctioned rape to gain access to a legal medical procedure. But don’t worry. It’s not like they’re virgins.

*The only bright light in all of this Sen. Janet Howell, who introduced an amendment that would have required men seeking erectile dysfunction medication to submit to rectal exams.

Caption: Bella with Edward, the 107-year-old virgin

On the eve of the Twilight: Breaking Dawn premiere, people all over the country are lining up to watch Bella (finally) lose her virginity with sparkly vampire and true love Edward Cullen. This being Twilight, there will be a proper white wedding before the deflowering, and not a moment too soon, seeing as Bella has spent three movies (and books) begging Edward to have sex with her already. Although there have been a billion words written and spoken about the meaning and importance of Bella’s virginity (be it about romantic love or Mormon abstinence propaganda) almost nothing has been said about Edward Cullen and his 107-year-old virgin status.

In fact, I had no idea that Edward never had sex until I came across a paper by fellow virginity geek Jonathan Allan, a grad student in Comparative Literature at the University of Toronto. The paper examines the idea of male virginity in romance novels, and although he says there is no official announcement of Edward’s sexual status, he cites various examples alluding to it. Here’s one scene from the book Breaking Dawn which occurs after the engagement but before the wedding:

“He started to pull away – that was his automatic response whenever he decided things had gone too far, his reflex reaction whenever he most wanted to keep going. Edward spent most of his life rejecting any kind of physical gratification. I knew it was terrifying him to change those habits now.”

I continued my research in a less academic frame of mind, and typed ‘Is Edward Cullen a virgin?’ into Google. I got unequivocally affirmative responses:

“In the first book in the series it states Bella is a virgin, but Edward said he has never found a vampire or human he’s been with before Bella.”

“After Edward asks Bella about her romantic relationships (or lack thereof)…and she says, like him, she has had almost NO experience…he says ‘that’s another thing we have in common, then’…meaning that they are both virgins.”

“In Breaking Dawn he tells Bella and he had to ask Emmet and Jasper for advice on what to expect before his and Bella’s honeymoon.”

I’m so used to the usual double-standard scenario of a young woman needing to remain pure with no such expectations placed on a man, this revelation is sort of nice. But the question remains: Why do we spend so much time fascinated with Bella’s virginity and almost none with Edward’s? Here are some more excerpts from Jonathan’s paper:

“The answer for this is likely not an easy one, indeed, the question could be extended further: Why has so much of the discussion of virginity focussed on women and not men? Edward Cullen represents an important part of the discussion of virginity in Twilight because, in a sense, it destabilises the discourse about virginity.

There is a remarkable reluctance to speak about male virginity [...] After all, who would want to end up a Steve Carrell character [in The 40-Year-Old Virgin]? The narrative that unfolds shows the strangeness of male virginity mostly because it would seem to contradict the stereotypes of male sexuality. From the perspective of the critic, this is an interesting inversion of the generic norms. Here it is Edward who must maintain his virginity and it is Bella who longs to lose her virginity, which in romance would generally render her the deviant. Instead, in the Twilight Saga, male virginity becomes something of a deviation from the norm.

Ultimately, it is Edward’s virginity that makes him deviate from the accepted norms, thus rendering him monstrous, rather than his vampirism, which oddly enough renders him rather human.”

Aside from Jonathan’s work, the silence on this subject is deafening. Female virginity has always been given a disproportionate amount of attention, but at the same time, hasn’t an entire film genre has been built around guys losing it?

Do we just have an easier time talking about male virginity when it’s a comic spectacle, and are we at a loss for words when it’s simply a matter-of-fact part of a guy’s life?

Thanks for the tip, EditorLisa! From forwardOn

Tell us about yourself:

I am 22 and ready to be married. Not to “get” married–to be married and to be a partner in that marriage. I am also well educated, ambitiously furthering my education and career, and thus spend a great deal of time living in remote rural areas in a developing country. Given my personality, background, and beliefs, I am certain marriage is the best path for my life and I am ready to begin this journey with someone. I am struggling with the frustration that my lifestyle, while a product of my interests, abilities, and desires, does not allow me to cultivate a serious relationship–and I will not settle for anything less than I know I need.

How do you define virginity?

I believe in the sacredness of the privacy between a couple. To me, virginity is not something that is taken or lost–it is something added to the relationship between two people who care about each other and are aware of the emotionally components of sex.

Tell us your story

I am a virgin and believe I will wait to have sex until the man who will be my husband makes his intentions clear. While religiously contemplative, my feelings stem from my relationship experience, too complex to recount here. I am looking forward to sex and took joy in sharing my sexuality–though not sex–with an ex-boyfriend, who also viewed sex as a commitment and bond to be shared with the person he would marry. For me, being a virgin is not the product of lack of sex life. It is the result of the relationships I have chosen and expectations within those relationships. I am seeking a relationship characterized by faithfulness, courage, constancy, respect, love, loyalty, and joy. If I accept anything less, including a casual approach to sex, it would be with the self-knowledge that I know what I need and want and settled for something much less, and I can think of no worse way for me to inflict emotional self-harm. Unfortunately, I sometimes feel…sorrow: I am ready to begin a life I cannot choose and that may not be in my future.

Any thoughts on virginity in our society?

I think our society has taken the joy out of sex by seeking to erase the privacy, intimacy, and bond of sex and relationships. It seems to me there is such a fuss over virginity because the expectation is that everyone should want to know as much about sex as possible, preferably through experience with different partners; virgins, for various reasons, resist this discourse. For someone desiring to share sexual awakening with someone, to learn and respond only to that partner’s needs and desires, and to place this within the context of a healthy relationship…I don’t know if we have a place in society.

Want to tell your story? Go to our submission page.

“I have never met a woman who raved about the experience of losing her virginity. Perhaps that’s partly reticence, but from the stories that I have been told, for most women, losing their virginity was awkward, painful, a total non-event, ruined by their partner’s excitement and inexperience, or some combination of those things. Which, to me as an escort (whose job is making sex and sexuality fun and enjoyable) is a shame.”

That’s John, an Australia-based escort, talking about why women might seek out a male sex worker  for first-time intercourse.

Young men losing their virginity with female sex workers is a standard narrative trope, and in some cultures a celebrated rite of passage. Nevada’s Moonlight Bunny Ranch, a brothel which calls itself the ‘devirginizing capital of the world’ isn’t talking about virgin women (except for Natalie Dylan, the one notorious, if unconsummated, exception). And aside from the rom-com The Wedding Date, where the escort isn’t even hired for sex, women hiring male sex workers remains a very taboo subject.

Given all that, we wanted to know more about why John, whose clients are usually sexually experienced women and couples, started reaching out to a new potential group:

First, we’d love to know how you define ‘losing your virginity,’ since it’s sort of a hazy thing.

I will admit to being a bit “conventional” there. For me, losing your virginity (for a heterosexual couple) means penis-in-vagina sex. Why? Probably mostly because that is what I learned as I grew up. But also because to me it is the most intimate act possible between two people.

Everything else – while just as or even more enjoyable – is “foreplay”, or an extension of sex to me, but when you get right down to it, penetrating, or being penetrated by another person (especially-face-to face) is as intimate a connection as you can make with another person. That may be one reason why rape is so devastating, because it perverts and abuses that intimacy and connection.

Why do you think women might need or choose to go this route, sexually?

I don’t know if this is something that is “needed” as such (like food, or water are “needed”), but it fills a gap caused by the nature of our society.

No woman should feel that hiring an escort is the only option for them. But because of the problems caused by things like religion and the emotional immaturity of most of our society this is unfortunately how some women do end up feeling. I would be happier if that wasn’t the case and men and women were able to treat each other with respect. Because this isn’t always the case, there is an opportunity for me to help these women.

Do you think demand is growing?

Yes I think so. It is a result of two things: 1. our generally more relaxed social attitudes to sexuality, and 2. our ability to communicate with more people more easily.

Women who are virgins can hear about the idea of employing a male escort more easily, they can find and participate in positive discussions on the issue more easily, and ultimately they can connect with male escorts like myself more easily (and with complete anonymity).

That wasn’t possible prior to the Internet and given that people are more open minded about sexuality, it leads to more interest and perhaps more demand. You could also view this issue as a consequence of women taking more control over their sexuality. As a result some are choosing to employ a male escort for their first-time sex.

How do you think women differ from men in terms of the experience they’re looking for?

Since I am a straight (heterosexual) male escort, I can only speculate on that question. Being male though and knowing other men I would say that the difference is significant. Most men (I think) don’t see any inherent value in being virgins, we are just interested in having sex. So losing my virginity was a milestone, but I didn’t see it as a “gift” or something that a woman would actually value.

As mentioned on my website though, I was lucky enough to meet a woman who made losing my virginity a very memorable experience. It could have been much less enjoyable for me, but that wouldn’t have made me any less eager to actually do it.

By contrast, my experience with women considering losing their virginity with me is that there tends to be more emotion invested in this experience than there was for me when I lost mine. However every woman that I talk to about losing their virginity is different in what they think and feel. Some don’t care much about it and want to lose it and get on with life. Others are worried about having a bad experience, so are looking for someone who understands and will put their needs first. Then there are the women (often older) who find it hard to establish relationships with men (let alone have sex). For them virginity, emotions, self image, and doubt all seem to get tangled up together, which makes things very hard for them. The second and third groups are the ones I have most experience with personally.

The third group are the women who seem to get the least support in our societies. That is why I like the work that people like you and The Accidental Virgin are doing. I try to support that effort by being available for women to talk to about losing their virginity (be it with an escort like me, or any other man). So the difference, in my opinion, mostly comes down to the emotional content of the experience of first-time penetrative sex. It “matters more” emotionally to women than to men. So it’s not surprising that the majority of women don’t have the glowing memories of losing their virginity that I do.

How about the differences between men and women in terms of social taboos?

The social taboos are probably too numerous to list here, but women seeking a male escort to lose their virginity with just adds one more opportunity for narrow minded and manipulative people to stigmatise women. Which is ironic perhaps, given that the service that I offer is meant to help these women to overcome the shortcomings of our society in the first place. Thankfully though many women seem to be supportive of a friend who is considering employing a male escort.

A surprising twist on this issue is that I have been told by a father once that he would much rather his daughter lost her virginity to me (an escort who will actually try to make it a good first experience of sex), than to some random man (with all of the uncertainty that implies). Fathers may have (rightly, or wrongly) even more emotion invested in their daughter’s welfare and virginity than their daughters do, so maybe that shouldn’t be surprising.

If you can’t see the video above, try this.

Tina Fey had a funny bit with David Letterman the other night about her loss of virginity at the age of 24. He read a list of names of ‘older virgins’ which included her, Brooke Shields and Adriana Lima.

Fey pointed out the difference between her and them was that their virginity was optional (they were both gorgeous models), but in Fey’s case she had no offers due to what she called her ‘homely’ appearance.

Sort of hard to believe given how many dudes out there are happy to have sex with anything that stays still long enough. More likely was that Fey was more discerning than she let on. So while there were probably opportunities for Fey, especially in comedy world, they were probably with, well, people in the comedy world. She met her husband at 24 and the rest is history.

In a long distance relationship and bummed you can’t be together on Februrary 14th? Starting at 1pm EST and all afternoon, you can watch the premiere of the short film xoxsms. Then at 6pm, stick around for a panel about love, intimacy, sex, and the Internet.

Filmmaker Nancy Schwartzman calls this “a date night for the 21st Century: fire up Skype (or gchat or oovoo!), connect with your beloved, and tune into the film together.”

Then stick around to have a conversation about how technology is changing the way we live and love. Panelists include the film’s director Nancy Schwartzman, Lena Chen of “Sex and The Ivy”, Twanna Hines aka “Funky Brown Chick”, writer for Ebony and Glamour, Melissa Gira Grant of The Guardian and The New York Observer, Samhita Mukhopodyay, Editor of Feministing.com, and Melanie Wallner from student focused online dating platform DateMySchool.com.

This week’s First Person originally ran on the blog Happy Bodies. Thanks to Hanne Blank for letting us know about it, and a very special thanks to its author Allie for letting us cross-post it here! If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We’d love to run it in this blog!

Having sex had nothing to do with it, because to this day I have not engaged in any kind of partner sex. My Catholic upbringing regularly impressed notions of chastity, purity, sexual repression, and guilt guilt guilt. I have been socialized with the idea that if you get to 22 and you haven’t had sex yet, there’s something wrong. I was sure being overweight had something to do with it. I was sure my personality had something to do with it. As I got older, I was sure my lack of experience had something to do with it. There’s got to be something wrong with me, or my body, or my way of life.

But here’s the thing: there isn’t.

The revelation of my not-virginity came to me in pieces. The first was while I was skyping with Becky. We were talking about me being a virgin, despite the fact that I know more about sex than a lot of people. Despite the fact that I am better than most people at talking about sex. Despite the fact that I am extremely familiar with my body, my desires, my needs. The second half of this revelation was a day later while re-reading Yes means Yes!, particularly in an essay by Hanne Blank about “process-oriented virgins”. I have subscribed to a transitional approach to virginity for a while, but in my brain claiming “not virgin” still required experience with some kind of partnered sex. Why is “virgin” a label people people can claim despite conventional evidence to the contrary? Why isn’t “not-virgin”? And of course, it is.

I still carry with me a lot of the implications virginity has on my life. Sometimes I am sort of terrified by the idea of flirting because it might lead to some kind of relationship (friendship or romantic) and I would feel weirdly obligated to reveal my virginity and they would scoff and leave me alone. Now I can start regularly thinking “I am not a virgin”, acclimating to the idea, and letting those words sink into my daily actions.

I am not here to stabilize notions of virginity or female sexuality. I am here to claim my body as my own and claim my experience as valid. I have never engaged in partner sex, and I might never choose to do so. I have decided, here and now, not to be burdened by the label of virgin.

And a note from Allie: This is one of my submissions to the ongoing series “When did you know?”, an examination of the intersection of labels and identity. Information on how to submit your piece to the series can be found on the Join Us page. To see all posts in this series, click here.

I recently got a note from Ferrette (who did a wonderful First Person for us a while back) with this question:

“Have you ever written any articles about the experience of “coming out as a virgin” to others? Like to someone you meet, or date, or even friends? I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, how when the “big reveal” happens, others will be shocked, or pitying or sometimes even hesitant to hook up (the latter is one I’m familiar with).

Of course, there are also those that don’t care, or are friendly no matter what. But it does seem to me that the older one gets while retaining some vestige of virgin means that these awkward conversations will just become more frequent. Course, my turning 26 recently may just have me over thinking everything.”

By way of reply, here’s a video of Dan Savage at the University of Montana who addresses the comment “I want to lose my virginity but I’m scared” by comparing it to bungee jumping:

“Eventually you just have to jump. You’re all strapped in. You’re ready to go. There’s a line of Australians behind you and they want to go next.”

Dan also feels strongly about telling your partner that you’re a virgin. It’s at 2:00, above.

I first saw this video at Diary of an Accidental Virgin who agrees with Dan:

“Why would you want to sleep with someone who is afraid of or won’t accept such a simple truth about you? Why do it with a person who views you as “less than” because you’re a virgin? Isn’t that the sort of person you wouldn’t want to have that experience with?”

The thing is, there are so many people out there either not sexually active at all, or who haven’t been sexually active for a long time. If more people were honest about it, maybe it wouldn’t be such a stigma.

On the other hand, I didn’t tell the first guy I had sex with I’d never done it before. I was in my 20s and he assumed I was experienced, but he figured it out pretty quickly due to my utter lack of skills. It was awkward. It was embarrassing. But I don’t think it would have been less so had I explained the situation before things got going.

Let’s face it: Doing anything for the first time is awkward, and sex is no exception.

What do you think: Tell or don’t tell? Or just jump off that bridge and hope the cord is strong enough?

Tell us about yourself:

I’m a 20-year-old, feminist college student from the Midwest who plans on going to law school. Oh, by the way, I’ve never had a boyfriend.

How do you define virginity?

I define virginity as sexual innocence—someone who has never fully connected with another person (haha) in a romantic way so that they could be open about their sexuality.

Do you consider yourself a virgin? Tell us why.

I do consider myself a virgin. I just have never had a significant other that I have felt open with about my sexuality.

Any thoughts on virginity in our society?

Women cannot win. While male virginity is basically meaningless female virginity is supposedly EVERYTHING—however, if you are a female your virginity doesn’t belong to you, it’s something you give up. I feel like the societal standard for women is so outdated and we need to stop reinforcing it.

Want to tell your story? Go to our submission page.

“A lot of women love the idea of the white wedding and becoming this princess for a day,” Shechter says. “But for me, it smacks of advertising some kind of sexual status that my groom didn’t have to do.”

“Re-virginizing” for a day didn’t appeal, she says with a laugh: “My sexual history is one of the good things I bring to this marriage.”

I was super excited to be quoted in Canada’s Macleans Magazine for an article about non-white wedding dresses. Read the whole story here.

By Belle Vierge

Confession: Although I think of myself as an intentional virgin, that description is only partly true. While I am currently a virgin by choice, in the past, my virginity remained intact solely by lucky circumstance. But what do I even mean by “virgin(ity)” anyway?

At this point in my life, I have decided to save penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex for marriage, but I am exceedingly comfortable enjoying a full range of other sexual activities with my boyfriend. I realize not everyone might classify me as a virgin, but frankly, I really don’t care what they think. I’m a technical virgin, I’m fine with that, my boyfriend is fine with that, and our non-sex sex life is hot. I’ve always believed that sex is a personal choice and that abstinence is as well. So what am I doing blogging about what happens behind closed doors?

Since graduating high school, it has become less and less “cool” or even “respectable” to be a virgin. Especially after I finished university (and subsequently moved out of the South), I’ve been surprised to discover the stereotypes that continue to persist regarding virgins.

Confession: I’m not a freak of nature. Shocking, I know.

I am complicated, though, (a walking paradigm, if you will) and the whole “waiting for marriage” thing is part of that.

I do not believe that premarital sex is a sin, and I have not believed that ever since I took Feminist Biblical Interpretation to fulfill the final requirement for my concentration in Women’s and Gender Studies.

Yet, when I think of making love for the first time, scripture is the first thought that comes to mind.

‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.
Mark 10: 7-9, New Revised Standard Version.

(And, yeah, I get that this is totally heteronormative, but since I’m currently a woman in love with a man, it works for me, okay?)

I do believe that sexual chemistry is a necessary aspect of a healthy relationship, hence my decision to be intimate with my boyfriend. But for me, physical intimacy comes with emotional intimacy. Yes, I’ve made out with more than my fair share of people, sometimes even nameless men in Parisian nightclubs. But for me to be comfortable revealing my body to a man, to allow him to see me completely unclothed, to be flushed with arousal at his touch—it’s a whole new experience for me, one that I have only shared with my boyfriend. I opened myself up to him; I expressed a new level of vulnerability I didn’t even know I had within me.

He’s responded with both tenderness and passion, respect and desire, every step of the way. I was comfortable revealing my body to him early on, but it took months of loving patience and gentle persuasion on his behalf before I was ready to see him unclothed. He’s the first—and only—man I’ve seen naked. (Aside from a few arty French films, of course).

I’ve taken this risk of vulnerability because we love each other and we’re committed to a future together. The future is this wondrous, unpredictable place where anything can happen… But “anything” is not always as we imagine it to be. The future still holds some pretty big unknown variables, and we’re both logical enough to realize our paths might diverge.

“So they are no longer two, but one flesh.”

I want this. I desire my boyfriend more than I have ever desired any man before. For the first time in my life, I fervently want to have him inside me, to gift my boyfriend with my virginity, to make love for the first time.

My sexual desire is strong, but my emotional one is stronger. I desire to share that experience with only one man in my life, my husband. And as much as I want and hope that life carries my boyfriend and me along that path, I can only be certain of marital unity once we say “I do.”

Until that day arrives, I will satiate my passion on my own terms, while still remaining a proud and intentional virgin.

Belle Vierge is a post-grad francophone southern sorority girl au pairing in the Northeast for a year, falling in love over and over every day with her long-distance boyfriend, fighting sexism one chauvinist at a time, figuring out her relationship with God and tweeting/blogging incessantly @bellevierge and Confessions of a Virgin.

I think the message above is:

Think carefully before you order your sleeveless A-line flower girl dress. Because, if you want to get married in a strapless mermaid number, you’ll be out of luck.

They also sell stun guns.

[h/t Aggie]

This post originally ran in August 2010, but is timely in light of Caitlin Flanagan’s new clueless writings on young women and sex. Share your biggest abstinence myths here.

This post was written by Sara, 2010 intern extraordinaire!

In a recent article lamenting the impersonal nature of modern youth sexuality (read: hook-up culture), Caitlin Flanagan of the “Atlantic Monthly” argued that the girls hurt so badly by this phenomenon have finally formed a resistance movement–and it comes in the form of the teen vampire fiction series “Twilight.” The logic is as follows: “Twilight” celebrates abstinent monogamy; young women celebrate “Twilight.” Therefore, when tween girls pay $12 a pop for a Taylor Lautner three-ring binder, what they are really doing is protesting hook-up culture as a whole (or, in the words of Flanagan, staging “one of the last, great stands for human dignity.”)

While some of you may think it’s a little too far of a jump to interpret the popularity of “Twilight” as an adolescent girl’s backlash against hook-up culture, there can be no doubt about the pretty significant uprising of abstinence and celibacy activism over the past few years. Take for example the abstinence societies like the Love and Fidelity Network or Harvard’s famed True Love Revolution that have popped up on hundreds of college campuses. Or the recent CNN article about the a college junior who was finally able to “quit” the hooking up that made her feel “empty” inside. Hell, even Lady Gaga’s pledged celibacy.

But let’s not forget the backlash to this backlash: the popularity of events like CAKE parties, Georgetown University’s Sex Positive Week and Barnard College’s Sexhibition, and Harvard’s Female Orgasm Seminar has been on the rise too.

It seems the abstainers and their opposition are staging a war; unsurprisingly, my generation, the one burdened with the label of “hook-up culture,” has become the battlefield. The discussion of our sexuality has become decidedly politicized. We are often pushed to subscribe to one movement or another, either rebelling against the “impersonal” and “emotionally destructive” hook-up culture by choosing abstinence, or resisting “Victorian-era repression” by embracing our sex-positive inner sluts. What I’m left wondering is, when did our sexuality become framed in the terms of nation-wide cultural protest? How did the discussion around modern sexuality move so far beyond the individuals actually involved?

I recently came across Nerve’s article “Sex Tips from Abstinence Pledgers,” a part of their regular “Sex Tips From…” series (also check out Zamboni drivers and Doctor Who fans). What I love about this article is the incredible individuality displayed in each of the subject’s sexual decisions. “Delaying sex meant that I was more ready to relax and enjoy it than I would have been because I was better educated and more comfortable with myself,” remarks Heather, age 26. “Constantly denying sex has made me extremely confident in my sexuality. I own it now,” shares Brian, age 23. Anna Broadway, age 31, offered the following: “It’s so easy to think of [sexuality] as just being about intercourse, but there’s so much more to being a man or a woman than that! Sexual self-control can really open your eyes to all that sexuality entails.” While each subject does identify as abstinent, not one of them tries to be the poster child for the entire movement.

All in all, I have a hard time believing that the sexual practices of my generation are universally impersonal. Rather, it’s the way modern youth sexuality is discussed that is impersonal; all the talk of universal morals, categorical power dynamics, and blanket sexual consequences leaves very little room for individual relationships with sexuality.

Cable has Shark Week, we have Abstinence Week! All this week we’re reposting some of our favorite abstinence-related stories from the truly alarming to the very ridiculous. This post originally ran in April 2011. Share your biggest abstinence myths here.

I have been rendered speechless by this ‘not tonight‘ abstinence underwear and the campaign to sell it to tween girls. Thankfully, Ms Magazine has parsed it for us:

“It isn’t just dumb, it’s dangerous. There’s nothing wrong with encouraging your children to choose abstinence before marriage; there is something wrong, however, with not empowering them with the knowledge and tools to make that choice and confidently communicate it to romantic partners. Without pulling down their pants…

This is ridiculously displayed in WWYMD’s promotional videos, which feature abstinence-friendly songs and wind-blown girls posing suggestively in their skivvies next to fully-clothed young men.”

The full post is here and it’s a great analysis how this kind of foolishness tangles up ideas of consent, education and communication.

It reminds me of a ‘white panty’ photo shoot we witnessed on the set of Barely Legal, which makes virgin-themed porn. We were there shooting our film, and the similarities feel beyond creepy.

Cable has Shark Week, we have Abstinence Week! All this week we’re reposting some of our favorite abstinence-related stories from the truly alarming to the very ridiculous. This post originally ran in December 2010. Share your biggest abstinence myths here.

Here’s the third installment of this genius series, created by Amplify Your Voice, an organization working with youth to change our dysfunctional approach to sexual health issues. We wrote about the first two here and here.

In this new video, our two bears discuss an abstinence class where boys were told to write down what they wanted from a girlfriend, and girls were asked to write what they wanted from a boyfriend. Then they were asked to imagine their wedding day: The boys had to imagine their brides and the girls their grooms. Then they had a mock wedding in the class. Marriage, between opposite-sex couples, is held up as the only way to have a healthy, committed relationship.

As with the other two videos, this is real stuff directly from the abstinence-until-marriage course materials. As Advocates for Youth points out, these programs ignore the needs–and the very existence–of lesbian, gay, bi and trans young people, by teaching that only heterosexual teens can have healthy relationships.

Since 1996, the US has spent over $1.5 billion on abstinence-only-until-marriage lessons like these. Now, as we’ve said many times, there’s nothing wrong with waiting to have sex, but doing so based on these silly, misleading, and totally ineffective programs is a really big problem.

If you agree, join them by contacting your elected reps. It takes less than a minute to amplify your own voice here.

We interrupt our regularily scheduled coverage of virginity to bring you a last special dispatch:

While I was at Sundance, I did a series of video interviews with some fabulous female filmmakers for Women & Hollywood.

At the Chicken and Egg party (above), I pulled some of the women aside, from relative newcomers like Dee Rees to veterans Lucy Walker and Judith Helfand, and asked them to share their best advice for other women filmmakers.

You can read more about that and also watch my interviews with Kristi Jacobson and Lori Silverbush of the documentary ‘Finding North,’ director Aurora Guerrero of ‘Mosquita Y Mari,’ and (coming soon!) ‘The Invisible War’ producer Amy Ziering.

Quvenzhane Wallis in ‘Beasts of the Southern Wild”

We interrupt our regularily scheduled coverage of virginity to bring you this special dispatch: I’ve been going to, and writing about, my experiences at the Sundance Film Festival many of the last 11 years. This is part 3 of 3 of this year’s Sundance Diaries.
Read Part 1 here.
Read Part 2 here.

If you want some background entertainment, you can read Sundance Diaries archived from 2001 to 2008  here. The 2010 Diaries are here, here, here and here.

Sundance is over.

The Brita™ water filter tent is coming down, the giant fog machine and bean bag installation is being removed from New Frontiers, and the jacked-up-price menus have been put away until next January. As I scrub my re-entry stamps off my hands and moisturize like crazy, I wanted to answer a bunch of questions that you, my loyal readers, have sent in.

Is it still hard to get drunk in Park City? [H.T.]
If you mean are they still measuring shots out with those weird Mormon bottle toppers so as not exceed exactly one ounce per pour, then yes. But it’s only hard to get drunk if you’re actually paying for those drinks. When they’re free, thanks to whatever liquor sponsor is working the party, you can belly up for two shots at a time as long as you’re standing. My drink of choice this year was whiskey mixed with hot lemonade or hot apple cider, introduced to me in bulk at a party sponsored by some delicious whiskey. The fact that I have no idea what brand it was means the promotion failed miserably: Don’t expect drunk film people to remember what your label said in a dark party late at night. Give us complimentary bottles to take home.

Please find some non AIDS/Sexual Abuse/Anti-Gay [films] to share! Hopefully not centered on 30-something quirky white folk in the Northwest. [P. J.]
Have I got two films for you!

“Beasts of the Southern Wild” is a dramatic feature about a little girl living on an island of magical realism in the Delta on “the other side of the levee.” I can’t say much more about this that will sound coherent, so suffice it to say it delivers epic floods, fantastical shacks, prehistoric aurochs that emerge from melted polar ice caps, and one little girl named Hush Puppy who just wants to spend time with her dad. It’s the most wildly creative film I saw at the Festival this year and one of the most buzzworthy. Not a single quirky white single 30-something to be found. It just won the U.S. Dramatic Jury Award and it was totally worth standing in line for 1 1/2 hours to watch it the night before I left. It’s headed for a theatrical release, but there’s no telling whether a non-Sundance-movie-drunk audience will get as hyper-excited as we all did.

“The Imposter” tells the true story of a con artist who pretended to be a teenager who had gone missing from his working-class Texas family three years earlier. Even though he really didn’t look anything like the kid, and spoke with a French accent, the family inexplicably welcomed him back as their long-lost son. Did they just not realize they were being conned? Or were they trying to hide an even bigger secret? The documentary mixes present-day interviews with all the players, along with dreamy, beautifully shot re-enactments of the bizarre events. So what really happened? Our guess, it turns out, is as good as the filmmakers’ in the best examination of subjective truth since maybe Rashomon. A&E

Keep in mind that the movies one person can see at Sundance make up only the tip of their personal iceberg. There are amazing films I really wanted to see that my schedule didn’t permit, and others I barely heard about until they won awards. Films like the standing-ovation-garnering documentary “Slavery By Another Name,” the highly divisive feature film “Compliance,” and a special screening of Julie Dash’s 1991 film “Daughters of the Dust” all remained on my to-see list unchecked.

Another film high on my list, “The Surrogate,” was super controversial going into the festival but emerged an audience favorite and won the U.S. Dramatic Audience Award. It’s the true story of a poet confined to an iron lung and the sex surrogate he hires in order to have sex for the first time. Aside from my (ahem) professional interest in the storyline, I also heard over and over again how fabulous and sensitive the film and the performances were. It stars the astoundingly talented John Hawkes (Winter’s Bone) and Helen Hunt (in need of a role worthy of her) and it should be a very interesting theatrical release!

Are Uggs still in???? [S.H.]
I think it’s gone from fashion trend to wardrobe staple, which is totally alarming. In terms of fashion trends, there was nothing as obvious as the lumberjack beards that made their unfortunate appearances in 2002. I did see a lot of vintage Sorrels and those giant tubes of knitted material people use as scarves. Both were actually rather cute. I know, I’m in a good mood. Sorry.

Just ‘cause YOU can’t be having no hot-tub shenanigans, would you deny us reportage on ANY hot-tub shenanigans?? I mean, you have created this devoted audience and now that you’re hitched, our needs just get cast aside along with your scandalous hot-tub ways?? Have we meant nothing to you? She gets the ring and now we’re bupkus… [A. M.]
I am VERY worried about you!  Drinking Vodka and NOT BEING INTERESTED IN A HOT TUB is not like you!  I’m calling an intervention via Craig’s List. [S. H.]
Isn’t it time to stop living vicariously through me and find your own hot tubs to jump into? Even my own husband is disappointed that I have no hot tub stories to share. In the words of the immortal William Shatner on Saturday Night Live: Get a life, people.

I am disappointed that you missed the Gene Simmons-Stan Lee event.  It would have ended up in the Hot Tub and you know it!  [Also from S. H., prolific question asker]
True. Being part of a Lee/Simmons sandwich would have been tempting. Let’s say a prayer of thanks I wasn’t put into that situation.

And with that image seared on your eyeballs, I leave you until next year…Happy movie-going!

Ethel Kennedy, above, just one of the fierce female doc subjects.

We interrupt our regularily scheduled coverage of virginity to bring you this special dispatch: I’ve been going to, and writing about, my experiences at the Sundance Film Festival many of the last 11 years. This is part 2 of 3 of this year’s Sundance Diaries. Read Part 1 here.
Read Part 3 here.

If you want some background entertainment, you can read Sundance Diaries archived from 2001 to 2008  here. The 2010 Diaries are here, here, here and here.

Welcome back to the un-plowed slushy sidewalks of Park City!

New celebrities sighted: Treat Williams (looking quite fine)…and that’s it. Um….seriously, I never recognize celebrities
Stamps on my hand: 8, including 2 sets of cherries, an arrow and a heart
Average hours of sleep: 5.5

First, some clarifications:

As I sit in the Java Cow cafe on Main Street killing time before my 4th film of the day, I’m going to respond to some feedback I received from my first diary entry.

First, despite the rumors making the rounds of Hollywood, Tracy Jordan’s collapse had nothing to do with partying with me.

Second and somewhat related, I apologize for the total lack of hot-tub-related shenanigans in my reporting this year. I’m now A Married Lady and am contractually obligated to limit myself to conjugal shenanigans, with or without the aid of a hot tub.

Also, as there’s been some concern re the New, Upbeat and Non-Cynical Me. Let me assure you that under all this radiant positive energy, I remain my usual annoyed self with lots of issues:

(a) the shuttle buses are infrequent and poorly routed, and through some oversight, the drivers were not made aware that we have actual films to get to with actual strict start times and limited seating.
(b) even though I don’t see them, I know I have housemates from the piles of garbage and scarcity of toilet paper.
And (c) the narrative films have been so disappointing this year, that I’d rather kill time in the bar writing than see another one. Maybe Sundance needs its quota of celebrity premiere vehicles, or my sensibilities are totally out of line with narrative programers, but year after year, I think the documentaries blow narratives right out of the water. (More on my favorites below)

My first two videos are up!

The awesome blog Women and Hollywood has posted my first two interviews here:

An interview with the two directors of the documentary “Finding North,” a very strong advocacy film about widespread hunger in America.
And my collected advice from women filmmakers to women filmmakers, shot at the always delicious Chicken and Egg party.
Shooting and especially editing has been rather time consuming, but the perfectionist in me couldn’t bear posting raw footage, so please check them out and bump up Women & Hollywoods hits!

Some fave films, in alphabetical order, all docs:

Ethel: OMG. Ethel, I never knew you! You were and are a major badass! This is the story of Ethel Kennedy (and of course Bobby as well) as told by the youngest of her 11 children, doc filmmaker Rory Kennedy. Amazing archival photos and footage, including hand-written letters RFK used to write to his children about their future obligations to work on social issues. And I loved learning about her life directly from her many outspoken kids (necessary because Ethel herself is a maddeningly reluctant, but charming, interviewee). HBO

How to Survive a Plague: Consisting almost entirely of archival footage, this moving documentary tells the story of ActUp and its fight to make AIDS an actual issue of the US government in the late 80s and the 90s. It’s an amazing historical record (they must have filmed every meeting and action!), and also connects the dots between ActUp and the earlier civil rights and women’s health protests that inspired them. I’ve bumped into the filmmakers and the veteran activists in other movie lines here and I’ve loved our conversations. Distribution pending.

Love Free or Die: The story of the first openly gay Episcopal bishop, Gene Robinson, and his fight to get the church to recognize gay clergy and same-sex unions, while being totally shut out of the world Anglican church. He’s such an amazing, funny and inspiring guy, and there’s no one better to tell the story than Macky Alston, who I must disclose is one of my mentors. Both did Q&A and even for this heathen, it was a spiritual experience. PBS 2

Marina Abramovic: The Artist is Present: This is my favorite doc of the festival, the kind of film I always wait for that’s going to give me one of those goose-bumpy transcendental experiences. This film captures her 3-month-long performance art piece at MoMA, her long controversial career and her huge charm. I come to performance art with eyes madly rolling, but this film really felt like the real deal. The filmmakers kept assuring us they didn’t drink the KoolAid, but seriously, you can give me another cup! HBO (but it won’t be the same on a TV, alas)

The Invisible War: From one of my favorite filmmakers, Kirby Dick, this powerful film exposes the almost unbelievable numbers of sexual assaults in the military. The stories these brave women (and also men) tell about their assaults, and the almost total lack of action by the military, are enraging. Don’t be put off by the tough material, the film is really well done and very engaging. They have a big social outreach program in the works that will hopefully reach the highest offices of government. PBS.

And finally, how did I miss this event!! Richard, especially, take note!

More films updates next time…Send me your questions and I’ll answer them in my final round-up.

Good night!

If you want some background entertainment, you can read Sundance Diaries archived from 2001 to 2008  here. The 2010 Diaries are here, here, here and here.

Hello from Sundance!

Celebrities seen: 5
Carb units consumed per day: 439
Number of stamps on my hands: 6

I’m back in sunny snowy Park City after a hiatus. I stopped volunteering in 2008, and this year I’m at Sundance as Press doing very fun video interviews with female directors for Women & Hollywood (my first one is here). This is really different from volunteering, and not just because I didn’t get an ill-fitting staff jacket, this year in fluorescent orange, to add to my six other ill-fitting staff jackets. For example:

I have no idea who I’m sleeping with!

I’m sharing a typical multi-room ski condo type place with a group of total strangers I met on Craig’s list. I’m out of the house long before anyone else wakes up and come home straight to my room to work. Two nights ago I shared my room with another woman, who may or may not be the person who was there the night before. Last night I had the the room to myself.The living room is populated by at least three guys who sleep sprawled out on the couches and floor. I think. There is also a hot tub, but I’m not feeling inspired.

I don’t wait in line!

Remember how I used to whine endlessly about standing in the wait list line for two hours for some obscure Swiss coming-of-age film, and then not even getting in? Well, my lovely Golden Ticket of a press badge has gifted me with lots of hard tickets in addition to the daily free Press and Industry screenings. I just show up 5 minutes before the show and there’s always a seat. Don’t worry – I haven’t turned into a positive person. The Sundance shuttle buses really seriously suck this year.

There is food I can eat!

Sundance has discovered that vegetarian food needs to contain protein, and they now have peanut butter, jelly and banana sandwiches!! This is a profound improvement on doughy cheese pizza and soggy grilled veggie sandwiches I usually encounter. As for vodka, it flows as freely as ever, bless its heart.

I’m going to parties I like!

The best party so far, which was thrown by our past and future fundraising site Kickstarter. There was a mad crush at the front door to get in past a very disorganized list-wielding gate keeper. But this was totally alleviated by spectacular cups of hot whiskey lemonade they were serving to us at the outdoor bar while we waited. Yes, there are outdoor bars in the dead of Utah mountain winter. The fire pit was kind of cozy too, not to mention being entertained by the comedy stylings of a very home-sick New York gal pal, who was doing her best ‘don’t you know who I am‘ to anyone within earshot.

I’m noticing celebrities!

My first sighting was Parker Posey at baggage claim when she was getting a luggage cart from one of those machines. I literally ran into Julie Delpy and Chris Rock at the ‘Two Days in New York’ premiere party, which I only went to because, frankly, I could. There were too many people who looked like extras from Entourage there, so I had a cocktail and got out of there.

My biggest moment of star-struckedness came while I was waiting to do an interview with the directors of the fine documentary ‘Finding North’ about hunger in America. There I was, at this multi roomed press area, minding my own business, drinking coffee and eating tiny apple danishes from the hospitality buffet, when I realized I was standing right next to Martin Starr. OMG OMG OMG. (Freaks & Geeks! Party Down! Rent immediately!)

I was thinking that if his “Save The Date” co-star Alison Brie walked by I would probably faint. She did, but happily for my professional credibility (all but lost, now) I didn’t. But I did note, as the two were being interviewed by a bearded fanboy who wouldn’t shut up about Freaks and Geeks, that her voice is like 2 octaves lower than on TV.

And with that I sign off because it’s 2:07am and I have a 10am screening of Rory Kennedy’s documentary about her mother ‘Ethel’ in the morning. Lots of info about the films I’ve seen in the next dispatch.

Good night!

Katie Goodman and Broad Comedy have done some pretty irreverent sketches, and “I’m Saving My Hymen for Jesus” is not exception. They performed it live at our Purity Ball Fundraiser and recently shot this video. You can check out their other videos , such as “Soccer Mom Ho” and “United States Extreme Right Wing Cheerleading Squad Vol. 1″ on their website.

I’ve written about hymen reconstruction before, and every time another story comes up, I get upset all over again. Here’s what one young Lebanese women quoted in a BBC program says about the fallout of her first sexual relationship:

“I was scared my family would find out especially since they didn’t approve of my relationship,” she says. “I was terrified they might kill me.”
After seven years in the relationship, her lover’s family wanted him to marry someone else. Nada attempted suicide. “I got a bottle of Panadol and a bottle of household chemicals,” she says. “I drank them and said, ‘That’s it’.”
Nada is now 40, and found out about surgical hymen restoration just six years ago. She married and had two children. Her wedding night was a stressful ordeal. “I didn’t sleep that night. I was crying,” she says. “I was very scared but he didn’t suspect anything.”

I guess that counts as a happy ending in this messed-up world, if you have access to a doctor who will perform the surgery and a couple of thousand dollars to spare.

The doctors have sometimes come under fire, accused of profiting off this sexism, but as I’ve written before, they’re also the ones dealing with all those people dragging their daughters or future wives into their offices demanding virginity tests. These doctors know there’s no such thing, and usually pronounce in favor of the women anyway, as they’ve been doing for centuries.

The RFSU (the Swedish Association for Sexuality Education) distributes a great booklet designed to dispel myths surrounding the hymen and virginity. They take issue with the whole concept of hymen reconstruction (they refer to the hymen as the corona, a term gaining in popularity among sex educators):

Surgery on the vaginal corona rarely solves any problems, firstly because outcomes vary, and secondly because it helps to maintain patriarchal structures and a prejudiced view of women and their sexuality…it is not possible to sew a membrane in place, to recreate something that never existed. Doctors say it’s like “stitching butter” because the tissue is soft and elastic.

In an NPR report, Egyptian author Amy Mowafi talks astutely about her own issues with re-virginization. She’s referring to an artificial virginity device, but it can easily apply to surgery as well:

“The problem with a device like this is it makes it too easy for the woman to play by the rules of society instead of standing up and saying, ‘No, you need to understand that I am a good person. And it should not all come down to this issue of a hymen…’

“As an Arab — an independent Arab woman — you can break as many glass ceilings as you like. But you can never break your hymen.”

Arab writer and social commentator, Sana Al Khayat tells the BBC it’s about control:

“If she’s a virgin, she doesn’t have any way of comparing [her husband to other men]. If she’s been with other men, then she has experience. Having experience makes women stronger.”

Like I said up top, this is not about Muslims or Arabs. You don’t have to go halfway around the world, to another culture and religion, to see that dynamic in action.

‘How do you define virginity?” conundrum was a recent episode of “True Blood” in which Jessica found an unexpected barrier to relations with Hoyt.

Clip is here, courtesy of io9.com.

Since Jessica, who was ‘made’ by Bill in season 1, had an intact hymen at the time of her transformation, no matter how many times she has intercourse and breaks it, it will always grow back. Something to do with the innate regenerative properties of vampire blood, I guess. Jessica and Hoyt, not surprisingly, have different views on the matter:

Jessica: It grew back! Everything heals when you’re a goddamn vampire!
Hoyt: It’ll be beautiful. Every time will be like our first time.
Jessica: It’ll hurt like hell! I’m a fucking deformity of nature. I’m going to be a virgin forever!”

In a world where virginity = intact hymen, I guess she’s right. Which means she’ll easily pass muster with the many dangerously-misguided people who subject women to virginity tests all over the world (despite her whole undead blood-sucker thing).