Copyright 1995 by Susan Fitzell

His face was two inches from mine. He was screaming at the top of his lungs. His words bit into my being and stung without remorse. I was testing for my green belt and I was the target. I had heard that this happened. I was told that during each test, one or two students were picked to endure excessive abuse. No one knew what the criteria would be. It just was. I made the first mistake. I was the chosen one. From that point on, nothing I did was good enough. I must have done one hundred pushups. The pushups were easy. It was the words, raging words, humiliating words endured before my peers that caused me pain. I was told I had a weak mind. It went on for an hour and a half. I considered walking out, but that wasn’t my style. I would meet the challenge. I would not break. My voice might waver, but I would stand strong. And I did. What I did not realize was the price I would pay afterwards.

Like Jeckyl & Hyde, when the test was over, he smiled at me, said, “Good job!” and handed me my new belt. I didn’t feel good. I felt defeated. I blamed myself. I had been working extra hours on the computer to complete work for my business. I knew that I had not been eating well or sleeping enough. I was tired. My responsibilities as a business owner, teacher (I was doing summer testing for my school district), parent, and wife had taken time away from my martial arts training. So in some way, I felt I must have ‘deserved it’.

For three weeks after, I would wake in the middle of the night with nightmares. I would wake with him screaming at me in my mind’s eye. I barely ate during those weeks. I lost eight pounds. I tried to make sense of the situation and my feelings. I finally asked him about the test. I asked him why? He said I did very well during the test. He felt humiliation was important for students to experience. He justified his behavior by saying if I was attacked on the street, I would need to be able to handle the humiliation and verbal abuse of the attack. That sounded reasonable. So I bought it. I then put myself on a training program that would guarantee that I would never be in that situation again.

As my martial arts skills improved, as I took better care of my diet, and got enough sleep, I questioned the method used to motivate me into action. As a public school teacher, fear and intimidation as a teaching tool went against everything I believed in. Why was it working? If it was working for me, did that mean there is good reason to use such tactics to motivate students? It didn’t make sense. What was wrong with this picture? The answer became clear a year and a half later.

I changed schools. The Jeckyl & Hyde behavior of my former instructor took its toll over time. I finally stood up to him fearlessly and without regret. For the first eight months in the new school, I would wait for my Sifu to rage, to put me down, to lose control. It never happened. In about the eighth month I realized, for the first time, the long term price I would pay because of my first instructor. I had a hard time trusting. Intimidation and fear had become a part of my pattern of thinking. I was always on guard. In the ninth month, I relaxed somewhat. I finally trusted that I would not be raged at or put down.

Then, I was told I would test. It had been a year and a half since the “test from hell.” The closer I got to the test, the more tense I became. One week before the test, I was experiencing such extreme anxiety that I had difficulty sleeping. I woke up one night to realize Jeckyl & Hyde had invaded my dreams. I now fully understood the price that I paid that year and a half ago when I endured that test. If I didn’t get a grip on myself and resolve what I was feeling, the flashbacks and fear could prevent me from doing well with this test.

I really wanted to do well on this test. There was a key difference in my motivation, however. This difference reinforced my teaching philosophy. This difference explained it all. I was motivated to do well, but not because I feared my Sifu. My Sifu is caring and encouraging. His standards are high, his style traditional, and his expectations clear. He may occasionally raise his voice, but he never puts me down. Any fear I felt, I recognized as residual. It belonged to Jeckyl & Hyde. I wasn’t motivated by fear of punishment. I was motivated because I respected my Sifu and I didn’t want to let him, or myself, down. I knew he respected me. That was the difference. I knew I had made a commitment to do my best when he took me as a student. I was motivated to honor that commitment. If I knew that I did my best, I would feel good about myself, no matter the result.

The test was a positive learning experience. No one yelled. No one was humiliated. Everyone was encouraged. The atmosphere was calm, caring, and understanding. I left astounded at the difference. The experience healed my wounds. It motivated me to work harder, to be better, to be the best I could be. It calmed my fears. I grew as a person. I gained a deeper understanding of my role as at teacher. The lesson would filter into my relationships with others in a positive way.

The behavior problems in schools today prompt many people to say that schools should be more punitive. Punishment as defined by Webster’s New World Dictionary is “harsh or injurious treatment.” Some people advocate corporal punishment. Some teachers use humiliation and put downs to control their students. What these advocates of punitive justice in the schools miss is the long term psychological effects of such methods. Students’ behavior may improve under such treatment in the short term. The motivation is fear. When fear is the motivator, moral development stops, emotional scars are embedded in the soul, and behavior is ‘good’ only until fear can be escaped.

I’m an advocate of caring discipline. Discipline, as defined by Webster’s New World Dictionary is “training that develops self-control, character, or orderliness and efficiency. Could pushups or consequences be an aspect of that discipline? Absolutely! The difference lies in the presentation of the consequence. If discipline is accompanied by ridicule, is excessively harsh, or unpredictable and inconsistent, it is punishment. Punishment destroys the spirit. Discipline builds character. Self-discipline, the goal of discipline, builds self-esteem.

If I had not had both these experiences, I would have intellectually understood the philosophical arguments for discipline and against punishment, but, my understanding would not have come from an experience that touched me deeply. Experience makes a better teacher. Some adults from my generation, who were often educated in punitive environments, may never have experienced caring discipline. Consequently, these adults would look at the world with the attitude, “If It worked for me, it will work for them.” The emotional scars that result from punishment and ridicule may be repressed, or taken as part of the ‘character building’ process, therefore justified. It is a sad statement about our culture that most adults have never experienced caring discipline. Rather, they’ve endured punishment. Only when you experience both, can you fully understand the difference.

Teaching children emotional vocabulary is a key part of conflict education at a young age.  For a group activity, ask children: “What does feeling happy feel like? Look like? What color is it? What animal is a happy animal? What does feeling angry feel like? Look like? What color is it? What animal is an angry animal? How do we act when we are happy? When we are angry? How do we treat otherpeople?” Act these feelings and actions out in role-play, and role-play alternative responses.

One teacher of four-year-olds was having trouble with arguments and fighting in her class. She felt that she had to address the problem directly with the entire group, as well as individually, if she was to see consistent results. She writes this about her experience:

This year in the Pre-K class we began by identifying feelings. We talked about how various situations make us feel. Our goal is to encourage the children to use words to express feelings and thus to avoid some confrontations and conflicts. One activity to encourage talking about feelings was the following: Each child made stick puppets whose faces reflected basic emotions (happy, sad, mad). We discussed various situations (when a friend hurts you, when you have pizza for lunch, when a parent is sick, when you spend time with a grandparent…) and the children used the puppets to display how they would feel.

As a follow-up to this, we now have the children express their feelings, following a conflict, come up with a solution, shake hands to show they agree with it, and plan how to implement the solution. For example, following a physical argument between two children, they talked about why they were pushing and what they could do to make each other feel better. The solution was to listen when one person was asking the other something. The children made up with a hug and a handshake.

Give children a vocabulary for their emotions

Give children a vocabulary for their emotions so that they can name their feelings. An excellent tool for helping children to identify their emotions is the Emotions Poster available through Childswork/Childsplay. It features photos of real kids expressing 28 different feelings.

Children may not have the word for what they are feeling, but they may recognize the emotion in the expression on a child’s face. Ask children to point to the face that best expresses their own feeling. Give them the label for that feeling, using it as a springboard for discussion.

By helping children understand the names of their emotions, they can better communicate those emotions and better deal with conflict.

Another Poster you may use is my Moodz Poster.

Are we, by allowing our children to be exposed to violence on TV, setting up an environment that physically changes the brain by making it ‘good at’ thinking violently? In doing so, are we also increasing the possibility that the next generation of children will inherit a brain adapted physically to warlike thinking? Carlson-Paige and Levin write that “at no other time in history have children had daily exposure to so many images removed from direct experience, many of which focus on violence.” How might this exposure to violence affect the physical structure of the brain?

According to Jane Healy (1990), neuroscientists understand that “…what children do every day, the ways in which they think and respond to the world, what they learn, and the stimuli to which they decide to pay attention … shape their brains. Not only does it change the ways in which the brain is used (functional change), but it also causes physical alterations (structural change) in neural wiring systems.”

Healy refers to the work of E. James Potchen, who has studied 18,000 brains: “Dr. Potchen tells of both animal and human brains that have restructured themselves significantly on the basis of learning experiences.” If the average child spends approximately 24 hours a week watching TV and Power Ranger-type videos, it would follow that this activity becomes a significant part of his/her learning experience.

Says Marian Diamond, professor of neuroanatomy at the University of California, Berkeley: “There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that children’s brains are changing. Whatever they’re learning, as those nerve cells are getting input, they are sending out dendritic branches. As long as stimuli come in to a certain area, you get more branching; if you lose the stimuli, they stop branching” (Healy).

This contention is backed up by Michael D. Chafetz in his book Smart for Life: “Whenever brain cells are activated by seeing, speaking, or solving problems, they begin to change. They take in more chemical energy and remodel nerve endings and receptors. They form new connections.”

New scientific studies and advanced technology have taken our understanding of how the environment affects us beyond the psychological foundations of conditioning: “People, including children, tend to develop a taste for what they are conditioned to. There is no indication that in the 1950′s boys enjoyed TV less because it was less violent …. It is an acquired taste that the media have played an important role in developing.” The National Institute of Mental Health published a report in 1982 which confirms that “children who watch a lot of violence on television may come to accept violence as normal behavior” (Miedzian, 1991).

If one takes these concepts to a logical conclusion, one might deduce that not only are children who have violent media input as part of their learning experience being psychologically conditioned to think in violent ways, but their brains are developing the neural connections and dendritic branching for violent thinking. Psychological conditioning physically changes the brain. Violence in the media is creating a psychological and physical predisposition for violence in our children.

As parents or educators, what can we do?

According to Terrence Webster-Doyle (1989), “being conscious of the influence of advertising and of programming that is unhealthy is of utmost importance since media has such a tremendous effect on the brain.”

We need to stop denying the impact the media are having on our children and to be aware of the effects. Scientific evidence indicates that television viewing creates passive learners unable to think: “If our society wants citizens who can reflect as well as respond, who can come up with solutions to the problems of a complex world, it must teach its children to stop, listen, and think as well as react” (Healy).

Violence is a pervasive problem in our complex world! In order for our children to be able to deal effectively with conflict and violence, they need to be able to stop, think, talk through problems, plan ahead, and act rather than react impulsively.

Some suggestions for parents and teachers:

• Place firm limits on television and video watching viewing.  Address what children should watch and how long they should watch.
• Participate with children whenever possible.  Talk with them about television content, methods of audience manipulation, point of view, etc.
• Give substitute caregivers strict guidelines regarding TV and video use.

Violence in the media is a problem with devastating consequences. Not only are our children being conditioned to think in terms of combat, to think of it as entertainment, and to accept it as normal, but there is also strong evidence indicating that it physically alters the brain. However, we are not without hope. As parents and educators, we must take action. It’s up to us to make a difference.

Excerpted from Free the Children by Susan Gingras Fitzell.

But then, she’d still open her mouth. Out from her mouth came all the words that screamed, “I AM A VICTIM!” Her manner, style, and body language reinforced this image. Kennie was a scapegoat, a target for all other insecure people to taunt and use to get spare change, petty favors, and a good laugh.

One day, I watched as an older, larger aggressive girl verbally took Kennie apart and left her in pieces on the classroom floor. My directives for the verbal attack to end went unheeded. The audience was thrilled with the display the two presented. Kennie ran away. She ran out of the classroom, out of the building, and out into the street. The bell rang. Chaos ensued. I cornered her attacker. I was enraged, furious that one human being could be so cruel to another. I wanted to lay her out flat. She was twice my size.

I spoke, choosing the mildest words I could manage, given how I felt. I told her that sometimes she acted like a complete asshole! I didn’t care whether what I said was appropriate. I was angry and fed up with the abuse Kennie suffered day after day. I was at a loss as to how to help her. What I saw, however, triggered in me tremendous emotional pain, pain buried deep in my psyche, pain I could not forget.

It was 1972. Patched bell bottoms were the uniform. Boys’ sneakers, army jackets, and skin-tight tops were the rage. The social dress code forbade white socks. My mother, like most mothers, had set ideas on how a girl should dress. My teenage self believed that her ideas were far from fashionable. My wardrobe did not include the grungy, tie-dyed, patched clothing of the times. Some well-meaning aunts would give me bags of outdated clothes they had tired of or outgrown. Consequently, my dress was quite out of style.

One day, I was walking to the store in my 50s-style hot pink stretch pants, white socks, and girls’ sneakers. Then I saw them up ahead. Immediately, fear penetrated my soul. Pride kept me from running. They had been taunting me for weeks. There were five of them. There was an obvious ringleader. She was huge and appeared to be a few years older than I. “Hey, fag! Hey, fag with the white socks!”

The next thing I remember, I was surrounded. She was screaming something at me. She wanted to fight. I wouldn’t. I didn’t know how. There was no escape. I was outnumbered. The slap across my face stung. Angry and humiliated, I swore at her. There was no thought, just reaction. At that moment, the crowd parted. A friend and neighbor from across the street saw what was happening and summoned her older brother to help. They provided for my escape. The girls never bothered me again. I would be eternally grateful for this act of kindness.

That memory of cruelty and abuse, compounded by many, many others witnessed in the classroom over the years, compelled me to search for a deeper understanding of who I am, what I believe in, and how I could act on those beliefs. Thus emerged my philosophy.

Children are born with a wisdom waiting to unfold and manifest itself in personality. That personality, however, is directed by the environment in which the child lives. I believe that whether personality traits, strengths, and weaknesses take a positive or negative path, whether children reach their potential or not, depends on the children’s environment.

Once children have internalized the education provided by their environment, their behavior becomes set in patterns of reaction and response to that environment. This is why self-knowledge with an understanding of the origins of our attitudes, beliefs, and prejudices is necessary before we can change what isn’t working for us in relationships and consciously keep what does work.

Only when the Kennies of the world can look at themselves, their behavior, their body language, and their appearance with insight and awareness can they begin to understand what they need to do to change from being a victim to being an empowered self.

When people are empowered, they free themselves from the victim role. They are no longer victims or oppressors. They are clear, focused, and centered in the strength of who they are.

We, as teachers of our children and our students, need an awareness of how our environment (media, culture, family values) shapes the way we think and feel. Once we have that awareness, it is our responsibility to educate our children. The alternative is to act blindly on impulses, feelings, and belief systems that have no known source or purpose.

Our culture, the media, and our individual family values have an impact on how we think.

Before they are two years old, children are aware of racial differences. By the age of three, they may attach value judgments to those differences. Between the ages of four and six, they show gender-stereotyped behaviours, and may reject children who differ from themselves in terms of race or physical disability.

How do stereotypes come about at such an early age? The first influences are the attitudes of immediate family members, often acquired unconsciously. Later, children absorb stereotypical messages from books, television, movies, magazines and newspapers.

- Susan Fountain, Education for Development

Scientific evidence presents a convincing argument that heredity and genetics play a major role in who we are. Studies also indicate, however, that our environment has an impact on how we develop. It is only when we are aware of this “conditioning” that we can act to change it.

Children are perceptive beings. If adults engage them in discussion of the conditions in their environment which affect the way they think and feel, children can learn to act rather than to react.

We adults are very aware and lament the negative influence that environmental factors such as the media and the commercial market are having on our children. It is important that we pass this awareness on to our children.

We should point out those things in the environment that condition children to accept stereotypes and bigotry, that desensitize them to violence and vulgarity, and that create in them reactive, inappropriate, emotional responses. Awareness and knowledge give them the power to make proactive decisions.

When my son was five years old, I think he believed that if he watched too much TV, he would have brains that look like oatmeal. That’s the only visual image he had for “mush.” Yes, I sometimes would answer in exasperation to the many “Why?”s I got when I enforcing our TV watching rules, “…because TV turns your brains to mush!”

Actually, that’s not far from the figurative. Four-, five-, or six-year-old children developmentally are not able to understand that their brain is being conditioned by media messages. At some level they can begin to understand that TV teaches them something.

I used to say to my children, “When you watch Mr. Roger’s, you learn about people and the jobs they do. What else do you learn!” or “TV teaches you about … (fill in with something positive that is very concrete to them, such as ABC’s, counting, etc.). When you watch Power Rangers, or VR Troupers, you are learning also. How do Power Rangers solve their problems? (Most children will answer: “Fighting or they beat up the bad guys.”) This show is teaching you to solve problems by fighting.” This is an important conversation to have. Variations of this conversation need to happen regularly.

It is important to help children understand that on TV a person can get kicked ten times and can then get up, but in real life getting kicked hurts.  In addition, discuss with children ways that superheroes can solve problems without violence.

Living in a society saturated by violent images, parents have a difficult road to follow if they are going to take a stand against media violence. Somehow, a balance needs to be achieved. If we completely deprive our children of all media violence, we worry that they will eventually rebel against our standards, making violence a steady diet, or will feel that they don’t fit in with their friends.

A moderate path would be to carefully choose the shows that your child is allowed to watch. Monitor the amount of time your child watches those shows. Watch with your child. Discuss their values, lessons, and methods of problem-solving. Discuss what is real and what isn’t. Discuss the real life consequences of behavior modeled on the television show.

In the classroom, teachers can take an interest in their students’ favorite shows. Discuss the shows with the students to help them to understand what is real and what isn’t. Help them to employ alternatives to violence in their own play.

The single most important thing that parents and educators can do for preschoolers to limit negative effects caused by violence in the media is to teach them empathy. Preschoolers cannot see another person’s point of view. To require three- through five-year-olds to see someone else’s point of view is developmentally inappropriate. Preschoolers can feel empathy. Empathy needs encouragement to flourish. Here are some examples of how to encourage empathy:

• Allow children to talk about their emotions
• Notice a child sharing or showing concern for others
• Hold class or family meetings where relationships and feelings can be discussed openly

Excerpted from Free the Children by Susan Gingras Fitzell.

They are very egocentric. They have, however, a natural developmental capacity for empathy that needs to be allowed to flourish.

Have you had the experience of sharing stories in circle time with preschoolers and one child had a sad story to tell? Maybe his dog died and he started to cry. The next thing you know, several children are crying inconsolably. What happened? Empathy happened.

Preschoolers have the emotional ability to pick up on the feelings of other children and to match them to their own. If, in a given situation, they cannot do this, it is often because they do not have the vocabulary for the emotion. They cannot identify with the feeling if they cannot label it.

Therefore an excellent tool to use with preschoolers is one of those posters with all the labeled ‘emotion’ faces.  Children can spot how they’re feeling on the poster. You can give them the name for the emotion. As they develop a vocabulary for their emotions, they are able to empathize with that emotion.

You can find a Moodz Poster by clicking on the link.

When my daughter was 18 months old, I discovered Brite Music). Brite Music has a tape called Safety Kids that teaches children safety rules, including their telephone number and what to do if they are lost in a store.

By the age of 2 ½, my daughter could sing her phone number. When we’d go to the mall, I would ask her what she should do if she got lost. She could tell me. She learned through the music. Consider how children learn their ABC’s. Look at the power of music and jingles in commercials. Music makes an impression that is remembered.

I highly recommend Brite Music. My favorite Brite Music tape is Someone Special You. This tape not only has a message for children, it has a message for all of us. Songs like “I Made A Mistake” (mistakes are for learning), “Think, Feel, Do Polka,” and “I Can Choose The Things I Think” are empowering and uplifting.

Another excellent tape is Teaching Peace by Red Grammer. Although this tape is a bit worldly for this age group, some of the songs relate to children and their feelings. Others relate to world concepts. It is positive music that introduces concepts of peace and world ‘oneness.’ Developmentally, it’s a little above preschoolers, but I think it still has value.

2. Interview experts: Through the class discussion, develop questions about cyberbullying that your students want answered. Find a few cyberbullying experts online and drop them an email with the class’ questions. Then, discuss their answers.

3. Create informative posters: Ask students to design and create posters about the consequences of cyberbullying and how to deal with it. Not only will making the posters be a learning experience for the students involved, they can be displayed throughout your school and help educate other students as well.

4. Develop a website or blog: If you have a website for your classroom or subject area, add some information about cyberbullying. Otherwise, create your own cyberbullying resource page for students in your classroom or school to help students who may be victims of such bullying.

5. Have students mentor younger students: Ask your students to work together to create a presentation about cyberbullying to present to younger students. Ask students to share their own experiences with cyberbullying and to include ideas about how to stay safe online. This will help not only your students, but many others as well.

6. Ask students to write a letter: As a homework assignment or in-class project, have students write a short letter to the editor of your local paper expressing their concerns about cyberbullying and asking adults to take the problem seriously.

7. Create a public service announcement: As a class, work together to write and act out a short PSA about the consequences of cyberbullying. Film the skit and post it on the school’s website or show it at an assembly.

8. Educate your students on your school’s bullying policies: Ask students if they think the policies are strict enough and if they think they do enough to protect students from cyberbullying. If students think changes should be made, encourage them to talk to school officials.

9. Design a bumper sticker: As a homework assignment, ask students to design a bumper sticker that sends an important message about cyberbullying and its effects. Choose a winning design and display it throughout the school. Depending on your resources, bumper stickers of the winning design could be made and distributed to students and parents.

10. Write your own cyberbullying handbook: Assign different topics on cyberbullying- such as its dangers and what to do if you are a victim- to each student and ask them to write a few paragraphs on the subject along with an illustration or computer clip art. Then, put each student’s piece together to create your classroom’s very own cyberbullying handbook.

(Adapted from “Activities for Teens: Ten Ideas for Youth to Educate their Communities about Cyberbullying” by Sameer Hinduja, Ph.D. and Justin W. Patchin, Ph.D. at the Cyberbullying Research Center)

I remember a school of thought that preached, “If you hug children after they have been disciplined, it undoes the discipline. You’ll spoil them.” I disagree! A hug can be accompanied with, “I still love you. I just don’t like what you did.” It is best to specifically describe the unacceptable behavior. Many times, my children’s understanding of what they did wrong was totally different from mine.

RULES

Children of this age are conscious of rules and see them as sacred and untouchable, although they may not always follow them. They obey rules out of a fear of punishment or a fear of losing someone’s love and support.

When they disobey, it is often because they are in the moment, following their impulses and curiosities. They do not have the cognitive ability to analyze consequences of their behavior ahead of time. Preschool children have difficulty seeing cause and effect. It is hard for them to understand how their behavior affects other people.

They often cannot predict what impact their actions might have on someone and, once they have acted, may be unable to look back and connect the behavior to the consequence. They also have extreme difficulty explaining why they did something. They truly don’t know. It is better not to ask. Asking “Why?” is an exercise in futility.

When a rule is broken, it is the size of the consequence, not the intention of the rule breaker that is important to preschool children. They are very literal and concrete. If someone steps on a child’s toy and breaks it, it is the broken toy that is focused on, not the intent of the person who stepped on it.

Whether the toy got broken accidentally or intentionally, the toy’s owner will react the same. Conceptually, “He did it on purpose” or “It was an accident” are not clear statements to the preschooler. The vocabulary in itself is problematic for preschoolers. My son would do something accidentally and tell me he did it on purpose. The concepts of ‘deliberation’ and ‘accidentality’ were too abstract for him.

SELF-ESTEEM

Preschool children want to be accepted, liked, and loved. Consequently, teachers and parents often hear (or see) from the child as a reaction to discipline, “You hate me!” Because children’s primary goal is to be loved, their reaction to disapproval of their behavior is to fear that love has been withdrawn.

For this reason, it is very important that children not be labeled ‘bad.’ “You are a bad girl” means to the preschooler, “You are not accepted” or “You are not loved”. Children aren’t bad; behavior is bad, and as such unacceptable. I cannot emphasize this distinction enough. Even if you are diligent about speaking to children about their behavior, reassuring them that they are OK and loved but that their behavior is not OK, children of this age will still have difficulty separating the two.

Excerpted from Free the Children by Susan Gingras Fitzell.