How to Protect Your Knees: A Skyrim Blog

Return to Skyrim Day 23: Unpleasent People and Places

2014-11-11T07:34:00.002-08:00

-Ok, time to buckle down and stick to the plot. I should take care of the Lexicon quest. All I need to do is head south and… Oh, look a cave!

-DAMN IT! Oh well, I’m sure there is nothing interesting in the cave anyway. I’ll just go in, kill some bandits and leave. Won’t take more than five minutes….in theory.

-A Dark elf? Huh. What could be more innocent than a Dark Elf just hanging around an unsettling cave? Quite a few things actually.

-Hello? Miss? I couldn’t help but notice your vacant stare and the chasm before you. Anything you want to talk about?

-Medresi Dran, I know you think there is treasure at the bottom of this pit, but let me assure you, you are completely correct.

-HOWEVER… and this is a big “However”, you are clearly an abrasive person and the odds of you becoming a cautionary tale are roughly one hundred percent.

-So you had a team and they all took off when the corpses down there started moving around? Maybe I’m the crazy one, but that seems like a pretty rational response to the problem.

-Oh yes, taking a threatening tone with me is going to work out just great for you. Totally. Lady, have you EVER read a Grimm’s Fairy Tale? People like you don’t make it to the end of story. Like, ever.

-You know what? Not only am I going to clear this pit of undead for you, but I’m also going to leave my trusty Nord here to make sure you remain safe. Yes, just remember, the Nord with the razor sharp blade and hair trigger temper is here for YOUR safety.

-See, the two of can lie reassuringly to each other!

-Alright, all I need to do it go down these broken stairs, pull two switches and wait for Medresi’s inevitable betrayal. Pretty simple stuff.

-Well this corpse at the top of the steps isn’t exactly a good omen.

-I bet there are a few zombies waiting for me once I jump down there… wait, I have a brilliant idea!

-I’m going to throw this lifeless body down the stairs to distract the zombies!

-Wow… those are words I never imagined I’d have to say.

-Down you go! Look at that body tumble! It’s like meat Slinky.

-Ha! It worked! That’s it, come closer! Take a good look at that dead body *thwomp* and become one yourself.

-Oh look, a room filled with coffins. I wonder what happens next. *sigh*

-If I ever become king my first act is going to be ensuring that all coffins are nailed shut.

-*pulls lever* well that does it, Medresi. I’ve opened the door! You can betray me now!

-Wait, where are you going? Don’t run! No, seriously! THESE ROOMS ARE BOOBIE… *Medresi is crushed between a raising platform and spikes on the ceiling** ...trapped.

- *Sigh* You know, I’m starting to figure out why this place was filled with undead.

-On the plus side that was the most hysterical deaths I’ve seen in some time.

-Well, no point in letting that jerk die in vain. Let’s see what all these zombies were guarding.

-A Dragonborn Shout? Down here? That’s unexpected treasure! Wonder which one it is.

-Animal Allegiance? Wait! Animals already talk to me too much! I DON’T WANT THIS! DAMN IT!

No one looks at Punchy like this and lives to talk about it.

Return to Skyrim Day 22: Christer and His Departed Wife

2014-11-06T06:37:00.001-08:00

-My list of problems is pretty ridiculous right now.

-Dragons, War, Jarls, and the worst one. Atrophy.

-I haven’t killed a man in days. How could I let this happen?

-Let’s be honest, I will never be as good at anything else as I am at killing things.

-Time to find an empty spot on the map and wander around till I find something to pierce with pointy sticks.

-Ah! The great outdoors! Filled with marshes, bears, mammoths… actually this is awful. I’m going back home.

-Wait, what’s that? An abandoned fort? How exciting!

-Abandoned forts attract bandits the same way blogs attract writers desperate for attention.

-Hello? Anyone home? *Thwomp* Anyone besides that guy?

-Here we go! The welcoming committee! I hope you guys brought party favors.

-Because I did. *Thwomp* *Thwomp* And… OW! Did you just hit me with an arrow?! My god that hurts! Is that what this feels like?! AH! WHY DOES THIS HURT SO MUCH?!?

-Punchy? Since when are you an archer?! WHY IS EVERYONE HERE AN ARCHER?!

-Listen! We can’t all run around being archers! That’s MY thing!

-I’M A SPECIAL LITTLE SNOWFLAKE DAMN IT! *Thwomp*

-Nice shooting by the way, Punchy. Just when I think I know everything about you…

-Well, let’s see what these bandits were guarding so vigorously.

-Hmm, in the first room we have a middle aged male peasant? I… I’m sorta disappointed.

-Sir, please don’t take it personally, but you are the most disappointing treasure I have ever found.

-So you are here looking for your wife. Well that explains a few things. Sorta.

-You wait here, Christer, if you wife Fjola is here we’ll find her.

-Well, Punchy, time to put on the corpse handling gloves. No way she's alive in this awful place.

-But maybe we can give this guy some closure… and I can get some more target practice.

-Oh look, more archers!

-*Thwomp* *HACK* Looks like we are back down to one archer, me! I INTEND TO KEEP IT THIS WAY!

-Ah, much better! An angry mage!

-I have to admit, sometimes I wish I had focused on learning to throw lightning and fire. *Thwomp* *THWOMP* Not at this exact moment, of course. But sometimes.

-Nearly at the top now. If his wife is here it looks like the Bandit Leader is keeping her under lock and key. Maybe she is alive after all! Let’s fill this guy's skull with arrows, take his key, free his hostage and get the heck out of here.

-Would you look at that, this bandit group is led by a woman. Good for her, getting a managerial job in a field as sexist as thievery.

-Ma’am? Yes, hello! I don’t normally stop to talk to people I’m planning on killing, but this seems like a pretty unique situation. I’m here looking for a woman named Fjora. Maybe you can tell where she is and we can skip all this nastiness of trying to kill each other.

-You’re Fjora?

-.....

-YOU’RE FJORA?!

-Well, this is an interesting problem. I mean, generally I make a habit of killing Bandit leaders, but I was sent here to rescue you…. from yourself, apparently.

-Look, I get it, the life of a farmers wife is 50% boring and 50% trying not to get killed by dragons. But don’t you think this is a bit extreme?

-Not to mention, what do you want me to tell your husband? The poor bastard risked his life sneaking into this place.

-I… I guess I can tell him you’ve died. I’ll be right back.

-Christer… I have some bad news. Your wife, Fjora… the woman you loved is gone. I’m sorry.

-I found her ring though. Here, take it. Leave this place and never look back.

-I don’t know if that was the right thing to do. That felt wrong.

-Fjora! I won’t kill you, but you owe me. I’ll return one day and this debt will be settled.

-I came here to kill people and all I did was break a man’s heart.

-*Sigh* I should have just fought another dragon on a mountainside.

Fjora. Clearly I have a soft spot for tough female Nords.

Return to Skyrim, Day 21: This Calls for Immediate Conversation

2014-11-04T06:19:00.000-08:00

-Before I left Paarthurnax he mentioned that I should swing by Dragonsreach. Apparently the place was built for one purpose, to house the most lazy Jarl in all the lands. Well, that and dragon catching.

-I’ve been to Dragonsreach a few times and the entire place looks an awful lot like an ordinary building. No giant nets, secret catapults or suspicious magical columns. So, unless the entire place can transform into a giant dragon fighting robot, I don’t think I understand how this all works.

-Jarl Balgruuf! Your children are still spoiled monsters, I trust?

-Sadly this isn’t a social visit, I heard a crazy rumor that this place was built to catch dragons. How crazy is that, right?

-Wait, it IS? Seriously?! Hey, so crazy question… WHY HAS THIS NEVER BEEN MENTIONED BEFORE?!

-This countryside has more dragons than cows and you never thought to mention THIS PLACE COULD TRAP DRAGONS?! What were you waiting for?! Trivia night?!

-You know what? I’m not going to let this bother me. EVEN THOUGH IT REALLY SHOULD!

-Listen, I need a favor. So I have this plan. It involves catching an enormous flying lizard at Dragonreach, in the hopes of luring an even larger and more violent flying lizard out of hiding? Sounds brilliant, right?

-Listen, I know I’m asking for a lot here, but either we lure Alduin here on our terms or he shows up the old fashioned way. Uninvited and hungry.

-Fine, you don’t want the Stormcloaks barging in here while you have a dragon in your guest house and you want the Greybeards to moderate a ceasefire. I guess this is fine.

-I mean, I don’t trust the Greybeards and the Stormcloaks seem to really enjoy being offended by everyone while also being wildly racist, so this should go smoothly.

-I’m trying to think of a situation that could be worse than two warring factions, two dragons and a mountain worth of crazy old men. I swear to Mara I can’t think of one.

-I guess some bears could show up too? That would be kinda worse.

-*One Fast Travel to The Throat of the World*

-Arngeir, I trust everything here is still… really creepy?

-Look, we need your help. And when I say “we” I mean everyone not living on this mountain.

-Oh, so you don’t want to involve yourself? Really? You want to know what the people down there are dealing with? Alduin, War and an unbelievable bandit problem.

-But you want to know the biggest problem they have? Some stubborn old men living on a mountain refusing to help save the world.

20-Oh, you’ll help? Huh, maybe I am better at negotiating than I give myself credit for. I guess I only have one person left to talk too…

-*More fast traveling, this time to Windhelm*

-Ulfric, still surrounding yourself with the scariest yes-men this side of Tamriel?

-Let me summarize, we kinda need you to be a little less Ulfric’ish for a week or so, okay?

-The Greybeards are willing to negotiate a cease fire, which is kind of a big deal, can we count on your co-operation? Yes? YES! I’M SO GOOD AT THIS!

-Punchy, bask in the glow that is my magnificent charm!

-Ok, that’s about all the talk I can handle. I need to wander off into the woods and launch some pointy sticks into people.

If you are a Nord AND a jerk, you live here.

Return to Skyrim, Day 20: Alduin the World Eater (Part 2 of 2)

2014-10-30T06:40:00.001-07:00

-ENOUGH! JOOR ZAH FRUL! FIGHT ME, FACE TO FACE!

-My GOD you’re hideous!

-Normal arrows don’t seem to bother you. But I have these poison vials here that are so potent I’m surprised they don't produce a laughing green gas skull when opened.

-And guess what? I’ve been saving a couple these for a special occasion.

-And by special occassion I mean I’m going to jab them directly into your eye sockets and hope I hit brain!

-AH HA! Hurts doesn’t it?! I’ve got plenty more where that came from…. wait, actually I don’t. DAMN IT!

-Fine, maybe I’m all out of ultra mega-poison, but I’ve got plenty of other vials with little skulls on them!

-Stop trying to fly away! JOOR ZAH FRUL! This ends now!

-Wait, you’re out of Hit points, how are you still alive?! What kind of sorcery is this?! Don’t fly away, I need answers!

-No, no, no! You don’t get to talk trash after I just whipped your exceptionally ugly body! Get back here! DAMN IT!

-Paar, buddy? Can you explain ANY part of what just happened?

-One minute I’m minding my own business looking through the vast expanse of time using an ancient scroll and the next minute I’m fighting the world eater on top of a mountain. If you ask me I’m completely innocent in this situation.

-Well, on the plus side, I know I can defeat him, on the downside, I can’t kill him. At least not yet. I’m missing a pretty big part of the equation.

-I could ask Esbern for help, but he spent most of the last decade hiding underground, pooping in a bucket. I like him, but I’m not sure he exactly has his finger on the pulse of the situation.

-I could ask the Greybeards, but with each passing day I trust them less and less. Watching them try to take control the last time Alduin showed up hasn’t exactly inspired confidence.

-That just leaves me with you, Paarthurnax. You’re scary, you have a questionable past and I’m willing to bet a fair portion of your diet rhymes with the word “heople”. But you know what? You seem to have a knack for honesty.

-Paar seems to think that once word spreads that I’ve bested Alduin some of his generals/allies might be willing to switch sides. Although I believe him, I’m not sure it’s the best idea.

-I mean, we’re talking about a bunch of guys that attended the seminar entitled “The Complete Destruction of Everything Ever” and then signed up for the monthly newsletter. I’m not sure I want those guys on my side.

-I’m pretty sure I want them dead. Maybe even super dead.

-But Paar is right. I’m going to need help bringing Alduin down and who better to know his weaknesses than the jerks he’s been hanging out with?

-Fine, I’ll go talk to these small time jerks and see if I can convince them to go after the grand master jerk. How could that go wrong?

-Heck, maybe I’ll even get lucky and Alduin will manage to kill a few of them in the process. ‘Two birds one stone’ kinda thing.

-Come on, Punchy. I promise wherever we are going next won’t be on a mountain side infested with dragons.

-Probably.

The End of the World Makes for Strange Allies.

Return to Skyrim, Day 20: Alduin the World Eater (Part 1 of 2)

2014-10-28T09:31:00.000-07:00

-Paarthurnax, you’re just sinister enough that I trust you.

-So, according to those creepy old dudes living at the top of a different mountain, if I read this scroll I’ll get a glimpse of the last time Alduin gave this world a run for its money.

-Problem is, I don’t trust them. Maybe it’s the beards, maybe it’s the fact that only one of them ever says anything, maybe… maybe it’s a lot of things.

-Also, I’m really not sure I see the benefit in this. Alduin showed up, wrecked up the place, then got beat down by a couple of people with the proper mix of bravery and insanity. Not sure what I can learn by watching that play out. Punchy and I are already pretty brave in a reckless sorta way. I mean, I think we already have all the qualifications we need.

-I guess no time like the present. Let’s just unroll this and MY GOD, SEEING THROUGH TIME IS SO BRIGHT

-Wait, who are these people? Looks like two Nords, the guy seems to have just enough sense to be afraid. The woman, on the other hand, seems like she would fistfight the sun.

-I like her.

-Who’s the old guy that just showed up? He seems to be one of the Greybeards, he also seems to be under the impression he is running the show. I’m not sure he is.

-Well, they dispensed with the first dragon without much issue, this next one… he seems bigger and angrier and….

-Alduin.

-Ok, you know what? Maybe I can learn something from this after all.

-So guys, how DO you kill Alduin? I have my notebook ready.

-Wait? Did I just learn a shout the Greybeard used? Dragonrend? How did that happen?!

-I’ve never understood the implications of time travel and this isn’t helping.

-Geez, Alduin is terrifying, but it looks like Dragonrend really takes the wind out of his sails, or wings. Or whatever.

-Hey! That’s it?! The vision is over?

-If the vision is over why can I still hear Alduin? Maybe the vision is still going? Paarthurnax, where ya going big guy?

-Oh no.

-ALDUIN!

-I… I’m not ready for this! What the.. IT’S RAINING FLAMING ROCKS?!

-Punchy! Get cover! NOW!

-*Thwomp* *Thwomp* The arrows are worthless against him! Not to mention EVERYTHING is on fire!

-Punchy! Come on, back on your feet! Paarthurnax, I need you buy me some time!

-Listen Punchy, you’re not allowed to die! Not here, not now and not to this bastard!

-The question is, how to slow him down... DRAGONREND! How did I forget about something I just learned two minutes ago?!

-Hey Alduin! Do the words JOOR ZAH FRUL ring any bells?! Seeing as how you’re falling out of the sky I’m guessing they do!

-You! YOU! Do you have you any idea how much I HATE you?! This! ALL OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT!

-Listen Buddy, one of us is going to die on this mountain and I’m entirely too handsome to be a corpse!

-*Thwomp* My god, how thick is your hide?! *Thwomp* This is going to take forever! No no, don’t fly away yet! I’m not done murdering you!

-Oh god, he wasn’t fleeing, HE WAS PREPARING MORE FLAMING ROCKS!

(to be continued)

The only three people in the history of time with less survival instincts than I.

Return to Skyrim, Day 19: Prelude to the Real Deal

2014-10-23T06:56:00.003-07:00

-Today is the day I do something new and exciting and really live on the edge... and I don’t mean fight a dragon on a mountain side. That would just be silly.

-Today I’m going to make friends with an orc.

-Urag! My favorite literate orc! What would make your day a bit brighter? You want me to find another book? Sure seems like you got quite a few of those already but anything to see you smile… or, you know, scowl a bit less.

-Huh, it’s not that far away, in fact according to the map I’ve already cleared that area, this will be as easy as.. um… picking up a book.

-Hmm, this place look familiar… and kinda high up. Wait. WAIT… this is a mountain side isn’t it?

-Well, as long as there aren’t any dragons. Lucky for me this place only has this one giant bat. Wait a minute.

-God. Damn. This. MOUNTAIN!

-Foreshadowing, my old nemesis, we meet again!

-Fine! I’m going to have to do this the hard way. EVERYTHING I DO HAS TO BE DONE THE HARD WAY AND I’M STARTING TO TAKE IT PERSONALLY!

-Damnation! Why is an Ancient Dragon guarding an overdue library book?! Wouldn’t a lock have been sufficient?! Who decided this?!?

-Listen buddy, I just need a book from that box over there, I’ll leave the gold! Maybe you can just let me… WHY MUST I BE SO FLAMMABLE! A simple no would have sufficed!

-You know what? If I’m going to be honest here, and I really try to avoid that whenever possible, I’m kinda glad you’re here and I’m even more glad you’re a jerk. You want to know a little secret?

-I’ve been itching for a fight.

-*Thwomp* *Thwomp* Hey! Guess who hasn’t lost his touch after a year? *Thwomp*

-Guess who also still has problems sidestepping torrents of fire? WWWAAAAHH!

-Can’t see a damn thing! APPARENTLY MY EYES ARE ON FIRE!

-*I can see nothing but flames, However I can hear the Ancient coming back around for a second pass but instead of trying to hit me he tumbles out of the sky. Behind him is Punchy*

-Punchy! You magnificent mad woman! How the hell did you pull him out of the sky?!

-I got it from here! Probably.

-You want to know what’s worst than trying to fight an Argonian? Trying to fight an Argonian that is actively on fire!

20-What the hell! Is your saliva made out of Napalm?! Why am I still on fire?! I DON’T UNDERSTAND!

-That’s it! I’m going to hack my way into your skull and find where you’re hiding the lighter fluid.

-*Hack* If you had just let me take the book! *Slash* Everything would have been so much easier! *HACK*

-I’d still be blissfully not on fire *SLASH* And you would still have use of your cerebral cortex! *HACK*

-*HACK* ...Just to be certain.

-There we go, we have the Insights of Shalidors that Urag wanted. But, before we drop it off, I think it’s time we take care of another bit of paper with words scrawled on it.

25-Let’s go see what Paarthurnax makes of the Elder Scrolls.

Dragon Rodeo Champion of 2014

Return to Skyrim, Day 18: How to Open One Chapter While Ending Another

2014-10-21T06:43:00.001-07:00

-Behold, a creepy door in the dark basement of the school of forbidden arcane arts. I feel like my spidey sense should be going off right about now.

-Lucky for me I don’t have that sense, if I did it would be like one of those faulty car alarms that go off every fifteen minutes.

-Hello? Giant speaking glowing orb? Any chance you’re the Augur of Dunlain? If you’re not could you please direct me to the glowing orb that is?

-We need your help, turns out Savos brought a DIFFERENT giant magic orb into the school because clearly what this place needed was more dangerous magical artifacts.

-Also, let’s just skip over the question of how smart it is to ask one magic orb for advice on how to deal with another one. I’ve had a long day.

-Listen to this joker, Punchy. He thinks all hope is lost! HA! You aren’t exactly the first to tell me things are hopeless. Heck, you’re not even the first floating shape to tell me this.

-It’s at moments like these, when I’m discussing the end of all things with a floating ball of light, that I begin to question my life choices.

-Before I deal with any of this… why am I carrying seven helmets and five pairs of boots?

-It’s been a few months since I’ve played so I have no idea what I was doing. What was I going to do with all these books? Was I planning on opening a mobile library?

-Actually that’s a great idea! Screw all this fighting dragons and arguing with various floating things! I need to settle down with a sensible job and… wait, didn’t I have a house?

-I really should head home and get things sorted out, assuming I remember where I live.

**One trip to Whiterun later**

-Hello, local merchant! Do I have anything I’d like to sell? Depends, are you in the market for an abundance of cabbages?

-Look, I don’t know. At some point I figured I might need one or two cabbages so I did the rational thing and gathered up all the cabbages.

-Just so you know, if you don’t buy these I intend to just throw them all over your store. So unless you want to live in an overflowing bowl of sauerkraut for the rest of your life, you should make me an offer.

-It sure is good to be home again, the friendly merchants, that one chap who talks about the Redguard all the time, that other guy that won’t stop screaming around the fountain. Home, sweet, home.

-Well that’s a face I don’t recognize, Did someone misplace a little girl?

-Listen, little lady, I would give you some food but I just sold all my cabbages. However I do have a few coins you could have. I have to ask though, why are you out here begging?

-Your folks died and your aunt and uncle kicked you out?! As someone who recently killed a gaggle of ice trolls, I ask without irony… what kind of monster does that?

-So here is the deal. I’m not good at a lot of things, in fact I have a very limited skill set. But what I am good at is killing things, bad things. I know you just need a few coins, but what if I throw in the revenge killings for free?

-It won’t be any trouble at all, I’ll track them down, my companion Punchy here will summon a demon who seems to have some kind of rage disorder THEN he will… well, actually the rest of the details aren’t important. Anywho, then I’ll come back and drop you off at the orphanage. Sounds fun, right?

-Wait! Can’t do that, just remembered the last time I was there the orphanage director and I had a bit of a disagreement. She thought it was okay to abuse the kids and I thought her skull would make for suitable arrow storage.

-I won that argument. I win a lot of arguments actually.

-Ok, Plan B... a long time ago the Jarl of this town gave me a house because I killed a flying lizard with pointy sticks, it’s a long story come to think of it. Anyway, it has a few extra beds and I don’t use it for much, mostly I use it to store my books and cabbages and Lydia.

-What I’m trying to say is I could give you a new home, that is if you don’t mind having a fairly unique family.

-It may not be much but it’s safe. Lucia, welcome home.

-This will be your room, I was using it to store… what the hell was I keeping in here anyway? WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO WITH 124 IRON INGOTS?!

-Also, I really don’t have much to give a child, most of what I own is either razor sharp or has a soul trapped in it, in some cases both, but I did find this doll…

-*The moment Lucia takes the doll she hugs it and smiles*

-My. Frigging. God. That was entirely too adorable! PUNCHY FORGET EVERYTHING ELSE WE NEED TO FIND MORE DOLLS!

-Oh, the dog? Lucia this is Meeko. He’s your lizard dad’s killing doggy.

-Can you keep him? I… I don’t know. Meeko and I have been to some pretty dark places. Vampire caves, zombie caverns, underground cities… and he barked incessantly through all of them.

-You know... I used to have two dogs with me and the first, well, his story ended a while ago…

-Meeko? To be honest I’ve always feared I’d lose you to a bandit or a dragon or any of the other horrible things that you’ve bitten in the face to protect my scaly hide. I.. I think I want your adventure to end here.

-No more bandit fights for you Meeko. From now on you’re going to hang around here and be loved senseless by this little girl.

-Meeko, welcome to your happy ending.

-From here on in it’s just you and me, Punchy. Us versus… well, everything.

-Let’s go find our ending.

ADORABLENESS IS AT UNSAFE LEVELS

Return to Skyrim, Day 17: The Winterhold Public Library, Black-Ops Division (Part 2 of 2)

2013-04-04T06:06:00.000-07:00

-I guess this summoner never heard the old adage, never bring a flame atronach to an arrow fight.

-Go ahead and try to summon something to bring me down *He summons a very violent flame atronach*

-Right, okay, now try doing that with an arrow stuck in your brain! HA! See, not so easy now, is it?!

-Three summoners at once? This hardly seems fair.... to the summoners.

-I COMPLETELY MISJUDGED THE AMOUNT OF FIRE THREE SUMMONERS COULD PRODUCE!

-New self rule...remember that pride comes before your skin bursts into flames.

-Okay, this looks like the last room. If I know anything about summoners, it’s that they have a flair for the dramatic. I’m guessing this room will be large, filled with idiots and the main idiot will be right in the middle of the room.

-Not even going to look, when the doors open, I’m firing an arrow into the middle of the room...

-On my mark Punchy, Three, Two, One....

-*The doors open, the arrow slides from my fingers and sinks into the torso of the summoner standing in the middle of the room as predicted*

-I’m going to be honest, I can’t believe I was right.

-Looks like we have what we came for, I guess this is where we part ways Orthorn, you may not be my favorite summoner in Skyrim, but you didn’t try to kill me and steal the books back like I expected. Thank you.

-Next stop, Winterhold.

-Okay, now that I have these books I just need to find Talfor and... HOLY CRAP YOU BROUGHT THE ORB TO WINTERHOLD?!

-This has to be the worst decision that I was not personally responsible for.

-So now that you have this giant cursed orb in a place filled with power crazed wizards what’s the plan? You seem like a smart guy so I’m assuming you’re one step ahead of everyone else here.

-Nope, your plan is to just stare at the orb... faaannntastic.

-Oh lovely, now Arcano wants to speak to me, I wonder what about, Talfor? I’m sure it has NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS STUPID ORB!

-Lovely, Arcano isn’t just condescending he is a Talmor.

-You’ve said less than ten words to me Arcano and I’ve already figured out how I’m going to kill you.

-Oh you want information about the orb Arcano? Which orb would that be? OOOOoooh, THAT orb... yep, it sure is... orb’ish. Where did we find it? I can’t rightly say, I’ve been to so many places, seen so many things, I can’t be expected to remember everything.

-Oh calm down, Arcano, I’m totally willing to cooperate with a Thalmor trying to bully me into giving him information, go ahead, ask me another question.

-Who was with us when we found it? Found what? OOOOOooooh THE ORB, right. I think some guy was with us... Tony? I think his name was Tony. I’ve met so many interesting people in Skyrim. Wait! Where are you going?! I WAS HAVING FUN DAMN IT!

-I don’t think I’ve had an NPC storm off in exasperation before. I’m kinda proud of myself.

-Someone just told me I need to find the Augar of Dunlain. Finally, information I didn’t have to kill for.

-Now all I need to do is find the Augar of... wait, what the hell is an Augar? Is that a person or a thing?

-Whatever, hidden things are always in the basement, I’m just going to go there and rummage around, maybe the Augar is in a box labelled “Augars” or something.

-*Sigh* Who am I kidding? Whatever an Augar is I’m sure it wants to kill me.

I'm starting to worry this thing is actually an egg.

Return to Skyrim, Day 17: The Winterhold Public Library, Black-Ops Division (Part 1 of 2)

2013-04-02T06:18:00.001-07:00

-Savos Aren! Listen, so Talfor’s class trip proved a little more doom-tastic than hoped.

-Well, I wandered off and wound up trapped in a tiny room, while I was panicking heroically Talfor figured out a way to free me, then right before the zombies attacked, while everyone else was frozen in time of course, a ghost appeared and warned me about some sort of disaster THEN we found a giant blue Orb that was guarded by the most arrow-proof zombie I’ve ever seen, after that I ran here to find you.

-Trust me, it didn’t make any more sense when it was happening either.

-Are you just sending me to the librarian because you don’t want to deal with this? I feel like that is what’s happening here.

-Urag Gro-Shub! Savos said you might be able to help. Any chance you have a book about giant orbs foretold in disaster prophecies??

-Of course you do! I was crazy to doubt you. Apparently.

-What do you mean someone stole it? My tax gold goes to funding this library... I assume... and some jerk went and stole the one book I wanted to read!? Who is he and why am I not killing him right now?

-So Orthorn stole books to impress some wizards that were expelled from Hogwarts... I mean, Winterhold?

-Exactly how insanely evil do you need to be to get kicked out of here? I mean, have you talked to that cat man in my magic class? I’m pretty sure he is using puppy tears as a spell reagent.

-Well, don’t worry Urag, I’ll get your books back...

-*Doing my best Arnold Schwarzenegger* It’s time to let them know their books are overdue. Wait, hold on... OVA DOO. There we go, that’s it.

-Even for a abandoned fort this place is dilapidated, the towers are crooked, there is junk everywhere and that guy throwing fire at me is wearing a robe that is SO last season.

-Hey! Don’t throw fire at my horse! MUFFINS, NOOOO!!!

-No one sets my horse on fire but me! And even then it’s still wrong!

-We’ve been here less than two minutes and we already have a pile a dead summoners and one horse with a refreshed phobia of fire.

-These jokers have prisoners?! Why didn’t Urag mention that? Don’t worry ladies, I’ll have this lock opened faster than you can say...

-HOLY CRAP YOU’RE ALL VAMPIRES! STAY BACK! I’M ARMED AND...

-I SHOT HER! I SHOT AN ARROW RIGHT INTO HER STUPID VAMPIRE FACE!

-That was a complete accident, I swear! I just wanted her to keep away from my neck, I didn’t mean to kill her!

-Maybe she was friendly, maybe I could have helped bridge the gap between vampire and lizard kind. Wait, did that other caged vampire just call me a “meat bag”?!

-From now on, the phrase, “Like shooting fish in a barrel” will be replaced with, “Like shooting arrows into caged vampires.”

-Wow, another vampire in a tiny cage. How gothic do you have to be to decorate with living vampires?

-Oh look who we found all caged up like the big dumb animal he is! So I take it your new friends weren’t impressed with the books eh, Orthorn?

-Free you? WHY!? You stole spell books and gave them to an actual hive of villainy! Your character judgement skills leave quite a bit to be desired young man.

-Listen, I’m entirely too stupid to leave you in this cage, so I’m going to open these gates and set you free on two conditions...

-One, you’re going to help me find all three books. Two, you’re not going to set me on fire. Break either of these rules and I’ll do something truly horrible to you...

-I’ll make you finish this quest line.

Potions, sacred texts and orcs. Pretty much your standard library.

Return to Skyrim, Day 16: Field Trip

2013-03-28T06:03:00.002-07:00

-Ah the great outdoors! I never thought I would miss this eternal blizzard but, after being down at the core of the earth with those freaky little Falmers, this weather is just fantastic by comparison.

-Hey, is that Talfor over by those mines? What the hell is my magic teacher doing out here with the other students?

-CLASS FIELD TRIP! I hope everyone got their parents to sign the permission slips.

-So we’re just going to roam around this dig site looking for enchanted things? Oh well, still more fun than sitting through another potions class.

-Well, let’s see what we have here, one enchanted ring on the ground and one enchanted necklace on this wall... Punchy, when I picked up that necklace did you hear something? Almost sounded like a gate crashing down behind us trapping us in here, crazy right?

-OH DEAR GOD A GATE HAS CRASHED DOWN AND TRAPPED US IN HERE!

-Talfor? TALFOR?! I don’t mean to cause any alarm, but it appears that we’re trapped in this tiny room and I feel like the walls are closing in around me AND MY CLAUSTROPHOBIA IS STARTING TO FLAIR UP! SO IF YOU COULD GET ME OUT OF HERE BEFORE I SWALLOW MY TONGUE THAT WOULD BE GREAT!

-I’m not panicking! WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT PANICKING! Punchy! Quick, rip my arms off so I can shove my torso through this gate!

-Talfor, you’re going to have to speak up! Someone in here is screaming hysterically and... oh, wait, that might be me.

-Ok, Talfor says I just need to put this necklace on and magic the wall, which is what I’ll do as soon as I can breathe normally.

-Oh thank god! The wall crumbled like stale graham cracker! Freedom! Freedom into a slightly larger enclosed space..... hoorah?

-Looks like we have three coffins and an altar in here. I’m no expert but I think only necromancers and Rush Limbaugh have this kind of interior design.

-Talfor! Any idea what we should do? You seem to be relentlessly calm and rational, I’m not sure how much more of that I can put up with.

-Whoa, why did everyone stop moving? And why is everything now in black and white?! Oh look, a weird ghost guy appearing out of nothing.

-You know, this sort of thing doesn’t even surprise me anymore. If that table over there suddenly turned into a ghost of a pig and said, “In the winter the sun will come,” and then exploded into three headed bunnies I don’t think I would even bat an eye.

-Only I can stop the disaster that is about to unfold? Listen Nerien, I don’t mean to be glib, but which disaster? I mean, just look at my day planner, each page says, “SAVE WORLD, BUY MILK”

-Yep, just disappear without giving me any real details on what the hell is going on! I’ll just figure this out on my own, DAMN YOU! Well, at least everyone is moving again.

-Why do you want to check the coffins Talfor? It's not like they are going to be filled with candy, they are going to be filled with.. *The coffin lids burst off on their own and the room fills with...* ZOMBIES!

-Arrow for you! and an arrow for you! Hey, don’t bite my dog! You just earned yourself an extra arrow!

-I guess in Soviet Saarthal coffin checks you, eh? EH?!

-Whatever, I thought it was funny.

-If I’ve learned nothing else it’s that zombie Nords are always guarding something valuable. With any luck it’s gold and not something tremendously powerful that no man or woman should ever possess.

-Look down there, it’s one of those super powered Nord zombie men. Watch me drop him from here Talfor and you’ll see why I have little use for your magical parlor tricks.

-Arrow back, arrow flies and finds it’s mark... and bounces harmlessly off his skull and clatters to the ground.

-Oh.... fudge.

-Right, on to plan B, turning his skull into an ax cozy! Prepare for a poorly planned lobotomy! *CLANK* *The ax also bounces off his skull harmlessly*

-Well, I’ve tried pointy sticks and moderately sharp metal. That about covers it for me, just wait for the warm embrace of death then?

-Keep him busy?! What do you want me to do Talfor? Show him adorable pictures of cats?! HE DOESN’T SEEM LIKE THE DISTRACTIBLE SORT!

-Go ahead hit my shield! Eventually your arms will be all stubby and worn down! Just you wait!

-Wait, why did he fall down? Is... is he dead? *Tentatively kicks at the corpse* Talfor, I don’t know what you did, but thank you.

-I don’t see any gold lying around here so I’m guessing those Nords were guarding this orb, this large, ominous, certain to kill a bunch of people, orb. I get the feeling this is what Nerien warned me about.

-I’m going to let the folks in Winterhold know we found the “doom orb”, yeah I know, it seems pretty harmless right now, but a little ghost birdy told me that’s going to change.

The moment before Jyrik Gauldurson was annoyed by an arrow bouncing off his face.

Return to Skyrim, Day 15: Dwemer Computing for Dummies

2013-03-27T06:08:00.001-07:00

-Welcome back to scenic Alftand, town hall is still hanging over the side of the cliff, deal with it!

-According to Septimus the Elder Scrolls are at the bottom of this structure. Then again, according to Septimus, purple is a type of hat, so let’s not assume anything he said is correct.

-Hello? Anyone home? We’re here from the electric company, we just need to go into your basement for a meter reading!

-Nope no one here, just piles and piles of Dwemer stuff. Guess that means we’ll be spending the next hour fighting dozens of robot spiders.

-Ah, a flight of stairs down, I’m sure we don’t have far to go!

-*Twenty minutes and five flights of stairs later*

-Huh... not much here, just some more steps heading down. Surely it can’t be far now!

-*Thirty minutes and six more flights of stairs later*

-Oh good, no steps... just a ramp, a long circular ramp heading down...Just lovely.

-The further down we go the more working Dwemer machinery we find. It’s amazing, with all the technology these folks had none of them ever built an elevator.

-Hey Punchy, wanna bet on what’s behind this door? I’m going to say it’s one of three things, either a talking pony, a giant squirrel OR another ramp going down.

-WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT! IT’S A DOWN RAMP! WHAT A SURPRISE! *Begins quietly weeping*

-The welcoming party has finally arrived to greet us. Let’s show them how much we appreciate the hospitality.

-*As three Falmer ascend the circular ramp, I zero in on their point man with my bow. I let the first arrow fly and find my mark in the small of his back, killing him instantly. One of the remaining Falmer begins to frantically look around in an effort to find me, our eyes meet the instant before my second arrow connects with his skull killing him where he stands.*

-*With the element of surprise gone Punchy rushes down the ramp to confront the last Falmer. I sprint to catch up with her but she has too much of a head start, and I watch as the Falmer draws back his ax, a moment before Punchy draws back hers. I fire a single arrow that zips past the side of Punchy's head and strikes the Falmer in his left shoulder, his momentum and advantage are lost. She brings her Ax blade down on his skull, his lifeless body crumbles under her weight and slides down the ramp before tumbling over the edge into the abyss below.*

-You know, maybe we shouldn’t run around like this when these ramps don’t have railings... or a visible bottom.

-I hear... voices? Not Falmer’s...sounds like cat people. It just wouldn’t be a dungeon crawl without treasure hunters to muck things up.

-Hey, we don’t want any trouble! If you could just point us to the closet ramp heading toward the core of the earth that would be great! Why are you trying to stab me?! Quit it! Fine! Let’s do this the hard way! See! Now there is an arrow in your torso! Are you happy now?!

-From their notes it looks like they’ve been down here a while, I’m guessing insanity settled in not long ago. Funny, I was just thinking what this mission needed was more crazy people with weapons to complicate things.

-Huh, what is this? Looks like more Dwarven machinery. But this one seems to have a spot for a round thingy... Septimus gave me a round thingy! Round thingy goes in round thingy spot!

-Wow, I really need to get back to the College of Winterhold as soon as we’re done here.

-Sphere is in, just need to press this button annndddd IT REVEALS ANOTHER FLIGHT OF STEPS DOWN! DAMN THIS INFERNAL MACHINE!

-Ok listen Punchy, I’m going to open this door and if their is anything other than perfectly level ground before our eyes I’m going to scream till my lungs explode. Try not to panic when it happens.

-I can’t believe it, Blackreach is a real place! I guess even a crazy clock is right twice a day.

-This is actually quite beautiful, I mean for a city that is considered to be in “ruins” it’s in better shape than Riften, even with the killer robots and giant man eating bugs roaming about.

-Are those people? Have the Falmer been keeping slaves down here?! I’m disturbed by this.

-Wait a second, maybe those aren’t slaves! Maybe we went so far down into the earth that we wound up in hell! Wait, I don’t see any Thalmor here, false alarm.

-I don’t even know what I’m looking for. I mean, sure a cube fits in whatever it is, but that’s not exactly super helpful at the moment.

-The Oculory? I may not know what that is, but I have a feeling it's exactly what I’m looking for.

-Whoa, this is the largest piece of Dwemer machinery I have EVER seen. And sure enough the cube fits right into the control panel!

-Ok, this machine is roughly a billion years old and designed to stop people like me from figuring it out. At times like this I’m reminded of something my mother use to say to me, “If you ever find yourself at the control panel of an ancient computer, it’s best to hit all the buttons as fast as possible.”

-*Clicky* *Clicky* *Clicky* *Clicky* *Clicky*, What? Don’t look so alarmed Punchy, I totally know what I’m doing. *Clicky* *Clicky* *Clicky *CLICK*

-Well, either I just unlocked this thing or we’re all going to die.

-*The machine slows its movements and the final piece of it descends from the dome ceiling and opens, inside are the Elder Scrolls*

-Button mashing, both the last act of a desperate man and the first act of an impatient one.

-Let’s take the elevator out of this place and figure out what the hell we do with these scrolls now that we have them.

Opening this only took five thousand frantic button presses.

Return to Skyrim, Day 14: The Lighthouse

2013-03-22T07:00:00.000-07:00

-Welcome to scenic Alftand, our major exports are frozen corpses and despair.

-Jeez, what the hell happened here?! I count two frozen dead guys, one house that was burnt down, another that had its roof removed and another that is both missing a roof AND hanging over the side of cliff. I’ve seen less damage after a Mothra attack.

-Punchy, Meeko? This is going to be our most challenging mission yet, it will require all of our strength, energy and focus. Trust me when I say.... wait, is that a lighthouse in the distance?! I LOVE lighthouses! Let’s go there!

-What? It’s not like Blackreach is going anywhere! Hell, Blackreach probably isn’t even real! You were there Punchy, Septimus was two and a half points of crazy away from claiming his robe was made of beetles! You coming with me or not?

-Ah, look at this place! It's so majestic! So beautiful! Sooo... decorated with a dead horse.

-Excuse me? Anyone home? We were just passing through and noticed that your horse seemed a little less upright than it should be.....

-*We enter the main living area and find ourselves in what resembles a crime scene; what remains, from what was clearly a struggle, is little more than scattered belongings, puddles of blood and two bodies--one of a large bug and the other of a woman*

-My... God. Right, let’s find out what the hell just happened here, according to her diary we have three MIA’s, a husband named Habd and.... two kids. *deep sigh*

-Hello?! Anyone else alive up here that isn’t a murderous bug?! Nope, no one else, let’s check the basement.

-Everything here seems to be in order, boxes neatly stacked, food stored away for the winter and a large hole in the wall that leads to the unknown. Pretty standard basement.

-We should move quickly, we have no idea how long ago the husband came down here in a bug killing blood lust, he and the kids might still be alive.

-Why are there little houses down here? Bugs don’t build houses, right? These almost look like Falmer houses... Damn it! I HATE Falmers, they have those weird little eyes and those terrible pointy teeth! and somehow those aren’t even the worst parts of their miserable little faces!

-I think... I think I see a holding pen in the next clearing. I only see one guard *THWAMP* and he won’t be a problem.

-*Prying the doors of the holding pen open* Your rescue is here! We....*sigh* we’re too late. It’s the girl...

-She left a note, sounds like her brother was dragged off by the Falmer and Habd was poisoned. This is not looking promising. Then again these are Nords, if anyone can walk off a poisoning it’s a Nord, right?

-Another clearing... don’t see any Falmers, let’s move... WAIT I WAS WRONG! GIANT BUGS! GIANT BUGS EVERYWHEEERRREEEE!!! AAAHHH!!!

-*In an instant Punchy is on the closest one, she brings her ax blade down on its skull and death is instant. I quickly draw back the first arrow and send it through the second bug's torso, his partner meet a similar fate*

-Damn it! It’s the brother... looks like he managed to get out of his pen before he died.

-I have to admit, this is the most depressing lighthouse I’ve been in all week.

-The path seems to lead to this cliff, look at it down there, it’s giant bug central! I can’t quite draw a bead on them with my bow from up here.... I just need to get a bit closer to the edge... just another inch....almost got them in my sights..... wwwwwwAAAAHHH!!!!

-Oh nonononoNONONO! I’M DOWN HERE ALONE WITH MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS OF BUGS! FIRE! FIRE FOR ALL OF YOU!

-Punchy? Meeko? ...guys?! GUYS?! FRIENDS DON’T LEAVE FRIENDS IN PITS FILLED WITH BUGS!

-Fine, I can do this alone. It’s not like Punchy is the hero and I’m the sidekick... oh god who am I kidding! That’s exactly how it is!

-*I enter a large clearing, it appears to be the center of the nest, several workers mill about the largest of the bugs in the middle of the room. I have found their queen.*

-*Twhomp!* This started as a goddamn rescue mission! *Twhomp!* But thanks to you bastards all I have left is revenge! *Twhomp!*

-Well now that your lackeys are arrowed it’s just you and I...king lizard versus queen bug...and if you’ve ever seen a nature show, you know who's going to win this fight...

-*The Queen charges, but it’s too late, my arrow has found its mark in her skull. She collapses to the ground, lifeless*

-Time for my favorite part of the job, checking the stomach contents of large dead creatures for treasure.

-What's this? Habd’s skull... oh... you poor bastard, those freakish little monsters fed you to the queen...

-*one slow walk back to the main basement level later....*

-Hey! Glad to see you guys are alive and well. The good news is I found Habd, the bad news is I only found his partially digested skull.

-*I find myself lingering in the main living space of the lighthouse. I imagine this family in happier times, before everything fell apart. I re-read their journals in an effort to piece their past together in my mind.*

-According to his wife’s diary, Habd wanted to be cremated at the top of the lighthouse when he died... I know this isn’t exactly how he planned his end, but the least we can do is fulfill his final wish.

-So I guess I should do the eulogy or something?

-We are gathered here today to commit the earthly remains of a brave man to his eternal resting place... in the beacon of the lighthouse he so bravely tried to defend. He died with honor, and courage...

-May we all be fortunate enough to die with such purpose.

-Alright, we better get going or their are going to be a bunch more heroes to bury.

Habd's legacy: More useful than most legacies.

Return to Skyrim, Day 13: Liberians and Other Lunatics

2013-03-20T06:54:00.000-07:00

-Here we go, a lovely library with a lovely curator. Wait a second, the curator isn’t lovely at all! He’s an orc!

-Urag Gro-Shub! I’ve heard a rumor you might be able to help me track down some rares texts. Any chance you have Hawkeye #1? Ha! Totally kidding! Just... uh... a bit of book humor there... Right, not the joking sort I see. I’ll just take any books you have about the Elder Scrolls then.

-Orc names just roll off the tongue don’t they Punchy?

-Let’s see what we have here, “Elder Scrolls for Dummies” and “Elder Scrolls and You: The Handbook”, this looks promising.

-*Flipping through the pages, scanning for relevant information* Huh, what’s this? “The acorn is a kind of tree egg.” I mean, technically that is a correct statement but it’s worded in the most insane way possible.

-Hey, Urag. What can you tell me the author of this rambling bit of madness?

-Crazy old guy that wandered off into vast, frozen and horrible wilderness eh? Oh well, hopefully his corpse has some useful information on it.

-Next stop... the vast, frozen and horrible wilderness.

-*Yelling over the storm* He’s on an island?! What the hell! How did a hundred year old man, in this weather, at this time of year, ALONE, get to a frozen island in the middle of an almost frozen lake?!

-*Sigh* I should buy a boat.

-Well, according to my map the frozen corpse of Septimus Signus should be somewhere on this island. Alright, Punchy, let’s put on our corpse handling gloves!

-I’ll just open this hatchway, jump down and rummage through the belongings of a dead and frozen wizard... what does it say about me that this kind of activity seems normal?

-Ok, the body should be right aroooOOWWAAAHHH!!! YOU’RE ALIVE?! HOW!?! It’s a billion below absolute zero out there and all you’re wearing is a robe and your insanity!

-Septimus, please, I’m begging you.... PLEASE make the transfer of information from your brain to mine easy?

-”The ice entombs the heart...” Ok, that’s a bit poetic, but I’ll allow it... “the BAIN of Kankernak and Dago fur!”

-*Eyes wide, staring in disbelief at Septimus.* Well that settles it, out of all the crazy old men I have met, you sir, are their king.

-I’m afraid to ask, but any chance you know where the Elder Scrolls are?

-”Here..”, REALLY?! “Here in this plane....”, I don’t like you.

-”Nearby! Relatively speaking! HAHAHAHA! On the cosmological scale IT’S all nearby....” Listen buddy, I’m starting to reconsider the original plan of finding the information I need on your corpse.

-Have I heard of Blackreach? Can’t say that I have, but this is the first thing you’ve said so far that I might have a CHANCE at understanding.

-Jeez, everything you say needs to be translated from crazy-old-man-gibberish to English, but it sounds like I need to head to Alftland, go all the way to the basement then... then use a cube and a ball to do things? With a sphere do-hickey?

-Ok, I’m going to get out of here before you start making sense.

-Well how bad can this be right, Punchy? Just go down a few steps, unlock an ancient machine and find an even older scroll of paper that was hidden away by a now extinct race of super geniuses thousands of years ago! See, easy!

-Did you just roll your eyes at me?

The horses we will use to travel "nearby".

Return to Skyrim, Day 12: Remedial Courses

2013-03-19T05:51:00.001-07:00

-Welcome to Winterhold, our major exports are insane wizards and completely insane wizards.

-Also all the cold weather, all of it.

-Yes, hello! My dog, my horse, my lady and I are trying to gain entry to your fine city. Any chance you can let us in before we freeze to death in this eternal blizzard?

-You want me to cast fear on this stone floor before you’ll let me in? Seriously? How long have you been out here?

-SHUDDER IN FEAR, STONE GROUND! See? Now can I get in the city? Or do you have a flowerpot thats been giving you trouble?

-Mirebelle, thanks for the welcome. Lovely college you have here. Allow me to cut to the chase, I’m looking for some very old texts and... wait, come back! I don’t need a tour, I need information!

-Stop! I just wanted to... I guess I could attend a class? I, wait, what class is this?! Don’t walk away yet! WHY WON’T YOU STOP MOVING!?

-Alright Punchy, I guess we can take a quick course on spell-casting, I mean, it’s time I learn to kill a man with something other than a pointy stick fired from a curved one.

-Do I know magic? HA! I’ve been across your great lands! I’ve slain giants, dragons and countless bandits! And you ask ME if I know any magic?!

-.... no, not as such.

-Listen, I’ve tried to use fire spells, but I tend to set EVERYTHING on fire, even Punchy and my dog! I’m no expert, but that doesn’t seem right to me.

-Am I familiar with wards? Sure, I... um... have several? In this bag... see?

-... I have no idea what a ward is.

-Listen pal, you may be way more skilled with this whole “magic” thing, but let’s go find an archery range and I’ll show you a thing or two about pointy sticks!

-Also, as a magic teacher you seem friendly but stern, I’m going to call you Dumbledore from now on.

-So, you’re going to lob a spell at me and I’m going to cast this ward.. thingy? Somehow this won’t result with me in flames, yes?

-I’m just saying, I’ve been pelted with more spells than I’d ever care to admit and if you’re telling me I could have easily stopped.. WAIT! NOT READY! HOW DO I MAGIC?!

-I’ll be a son of a... the ward stopped the spell! THE WARD STOPPED THE SPELL! I LOVE YOU, DUMBLEDORE!

-Class dismissed?! Wait! This was the most informative five minutes of my life! Come back!

-Why didn’t anyone tell me I could learn magic in college!?

-Oh well, guess we can start looking around for a library or something.

The cat person to my left was voted "Most likely to burn down a village" after graduation.

Return to Skyrim, Day 11: Tuesdays with Arngeir

2013-03-18T06:12:00.000-07:00

- I have no idea what I was doing. I’ll just check my quest journal... *opens journal and sees dozens of incomplete quest markers*. Hmm, that proved less helpful than hoped.

-Screw it, I’m just going to talk to Arngeir.

-Hey, how’s my favorite creepy old recluse?

-The Blades are under some nutty impression that you might know a shout that would bring Alduin to his knees, crazy right? I mean, you would have TOLD me about that right? RIGHT?!

-WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WON’T TELL ME?! I know things might seem all honky doorie on top of “Mount Elderly,” but down there the world is coming to an end! God knows why but those idiots seem to think I can slam the breaks on the apocalypse, so either you tell me what I need to know or this giant creepy castle is going on the market under the heading of, “Lovely properly, great view, only one massacre on premises”!

-Look, I get it, maybe I can’t stop Aldiun even with Dragonrend but, damn it, give me the chance to die a confused death at the claws of a dragon evil enough to eat a world. I’m asking for little more than a basic human right.

-Why didn’t you say you don’t know Dragonrend in the first place?! Do you at least know someone who does? God, I can’t believe this, I’m asking for a referral for a quest. I feel like this is some kind of HMO program.

-Paarthawhat-a-who? That... that is one hell of a name. Sounds Argonian actually! How exciting! Maybe we can bond over how much we hate you!

- Where is he? Also, should I bring a gift? Like a cake or something? I think the only food I have on me is this bag of uncooked clam meat.

-Of course he’s at the top of the mountain, nothing I enjoy more than navigating narrow mountain trails in the middle of a blizzard.

-Well, this must be the place, but all I see here is a couple of goats. Actually wait... is one of the goats Paartha-whata? I mean, considering everything else that’s happened it really would not be all that shocking.

-Wait, that’s crazy, why would the leader of these old men be a goat that lives on a mountain?, Then again, why did I have a talking dog as a squad member for months....

-Oh, I miss Snuggleface.

-...what’s that noise? A dragon?! Up here?! I don’t know how you got to the altitude buddy but you’re about to take the express back to the ground floor! *Draws back an arrow*

-I’ll. BE. DAMNED. A talking dragon!? Paarthurnax!

-I’m a talking lizard too! We should be best friends! Do you have a pet dog also? Or is it just you and the goats up here?

-Right, this is a business trip. So, those petty-mortals in that run down castle said you might be able to help... and now that I see you with my own eyes, this question might seem a bit threatening... but any chance you can teach me to kill an ancient dragon by yelling at him?

-”Arngier the Grump” asked me the same question.. why do I want to save the world. I’m not sure I have a good answer, 80% of the people down there are bandits and 19% of them wouldn’t be able to fend off a low hanging branch, but... but there are a few, a few worth all this trouble.

-Besides, I’m the Dragonborn, it’s part of the job description. See, it says it right here, “Save the world, be handsome while doing so.”

-The elder scrolls hold the answers? Fair enough, I’ll find them. Thank you for the information AND for not eating me.

-Alright Arngier, we’ll be on our way. But before we go, I just wanted to say, even for a hermit you’re difficult.

-Also, why didn’t you tell me your leader was a dragon?! You and your weird quiet friends stood around and told me the entire boring history of your little club for like, ten hours, but never once did you mention the dragon you have in your backyard? Really?!

-You could learn a bit from me about storytelling and archery... and how to be smooth with Nordic ladies.

-Alright Punchy, according to my trusty map our next stop is the college of Winterhold. Maybe while we’re there I can take a few classes and finish up my liberal arts degree. After all, I may not always be able to get by with looks alone.

-Oh who am I kidding, I’ll always be adorable.

Paarthurnax wants to know why you don't visit more often and would it kill you to call once in awhile?

Return to Skyrim, Day 10: Evil and Other Miscalculations

2012-12-17T18:54:00.002-08:00

-You know what I haven’t done yet? A single truly evil deed.

-I mean, I’m like some kind of scaley boy scout. I should do something evil... I SHOULD MURDER AN ENTIRE TOWN!

-Wait, no. That’s too evil. I SHOULD TORMENT THIS GOAT! Hmm, no... not evil enough.

-Maybe I should just steal something? There we go, that seems just wrong enough!

-Ooooh, I should totally steal the statue of Dibella, some crazy begger told me I should do it and if you can’t trust people muttering to themselves who can you trust?

-I really need to re-consider my policy of accepting quests from everyone, even the insane and rambling.

-Ok, so this should be easy enough, just sneak around, take the statue and go. Also, I’m sure most thieves bring their wife and dog along on the job. I don’t see how they could possibly be a hindrance.

-Ok, we’re in. Listen, let’s keep our heads down and barking to an absolute minimum. So help me Meeko, if I catch you barking at NOTHING AT ALL, I will leave you at the first dog pound I find!

-Geez, this place is packed with followers... gotta keep my head down... move like a shadow.. BE the shadow...

-I can see the statue! My god being evil is fun! Why wasn’t I informed of the joys of evil before this? Punchy, why didn’t you... wait, you’re not Punchy! DAMN IT!

-What was I doing here? Well.. I, um, you see.. I was LOOKING FOR MY DOG! Bad Meeko! BAD! Don’t ever run off like that again! Now that I have my dog I’ll just be... not going anywhere.

-Listen, can we avoid involving the local guards? If I’ve learned nothing else from my time in Skyrim, no matter how righteous you may seem you need someone, somewhere dead. I’m sure we can come to some sort of arrangement, if you catch my drift.

-You need a child? WAIT, alive right?! I mean I’m all for making a deal here, but I have zero problem with hacking my way out of this building if I need too.

-Oh.. alive, ok then. I guess that’s fine, is she going to come along willingly or are you asking me to kidnap a child? Because again, my original plan was a murderous rampage and THAT PLAN IS STILL UNDER CONSIDERATION.

-Oh, willingly... Fine, I guess I’ll just walk out of here... I didn’t want to rampage anyway... *kicks a rock*

-This should be easy enough, I just need to go to the local village and ask some poor farmer to hand over his daughter... to a bipedal lizard. Yep, pretty sure that should go smoothly.

-*knocks on door* Yeah, hi! So, how are you doing? So listen, some crazy women that live in a temple think it would be great if your daughter came with me to go live in said crazy temple. Sounds great, right?!

-Kidnapped? By someone else?! Mister, you have one popular daughter. Any idea where she is?

-Forsworn you say? Do I have experience with them? Yeah, you could say that.

-Can I find her? I don't know what they want. If they are looking for a ransom, I can tell you I don't have much gold. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, some of them are even at 100. Skills I have acquired over a very long play session. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like them. If they let your daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for them, I will not pursue them...

-But if they don't, I will look for them, I will find them, and I will kill them.

-PUNCHY, HIGH FIVE! Man, I’ve been WAITING TO GIVE THAT SPEECH FOREVER! I can’t believe I finally found an appropriate time and place!

*One quick journey to a Forsworn hideout later...*

-Attention Forsworn! I am out of witty movie quotes but I do have an abundance of arrows!

-Hey you, where’s the girl? Fine, don’t want to talk...*thwomp*. You! Over there! Where’s the girl? *thwomp* Hey! I need a straight answer from someone, you there, buddy, WHERE IS THE GIRL?! DID YOU NOT HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID ABOUT HAVING ARROWS?! *Thwomp*

-You sir look a bit fancier than the general forsworn member. I bet you know where the girl is. *thwomp* DAMN MY MURDEROUS REFLEX!

-Oh thank god, she’s here, tucked away in this closet!

-Hey little girl, listen, I know I don’t look the part but I assure you I’m one of the good guys. Now I need you to come with me and try not to look around too much....

-*The girl looks around and sees one of the dead forsworn and begins to scream*

-Damn it! I need you to just follow and... yeah, that guy is dead too... please, the screaming isn’t necessary! Wait! Don’t look over there! WHAT DID YOU EXPECT TO FIND PILED UP BEHIND THAT TABLE?!

-Sir, I’ve found your daughter. She is alive and well... do...do you want me to tell the sisters of Dibella that I found her?

-I mean, moving to the temple seems like it would be a permanent thing. Right now no one but you and my team know she is alive, we could just say she screamed herself to death and she could stay here with you.

-You think she will have a better life in the temple? I... suppose. As you wish.

-Sisters of Dibella, I came here to steal a statue so I could roll around in a big pile of evil deeds and instead I wound up delivering to you an innocent child.

-...To be honest I’m not entirely sure stealing her away from her family to live in a temple filled with fanatics was the best choice.

-Punchy, the next time I start talking about the glories of being evil, remind me of how I feel right now...

Praying to Dibella for the self control to never listen to Dibella again.

Detour to Rapture, Part 3: Dr. Much Worse Than Horrible

2012-11-21T07:38:00.000-08:00

<Dragonface>
Have a festive Thanksgiving!
</Dragonface>
---------------------------------
<Sharlene>

-Look nurse lady, I’m pretty sure you need a permit for that chainsaw.

-This is the worst medical pavilion I have ever seen!

-THERE IS NO MEDICINE HERE

-I have no more room for first aid...HOW DO I USE THE FIRST AID?!

-Everyone's whining about looking pretty, I’m pretty sure that all of Rapture is built on people with low self esteem.

-"MAKE ME LOOK PRETTY!!!!" ...maybe these bullets will help?

-I’m enjoying all the cockney accents here, it almost makes up for the absolute terror of walking through here.

-”Why do we have two eyes?” Last I checked, we need binocular cues for depth percept..oh AAAHHH!!

-WHY ARE YOU EXPLODY?

-Eternal flame? AAHH ROASTY BODIES WHY

-Issss this buuurning an enternal flaaaaaaame!

-HEY! more Kool-aid!

-That’s a spicy-meat-a-ball!

-people oh gods! AAAHHH FIRE EVERYWHERE WHATS GOING ON!?! oh that was me...

-I had blood on my hands but it burned off, hooray?

-”Parasites will not be tolerated” I didn’t know that Mitt Romney was in Rapture.

-HOW DO I GET TO SURGERY?!

-...But I hate the dentist.

-GAAAHH DARKNESS!!

-THIS IS NOT OK!!

-Oh, ok light now, much better.

-But I don’t want my telekinesis, I WANT MY LIGHTNING!!

-Why? Because Storm is cooler than Jean Grey!

-YOU PEOPLE ALL HAVE ISSUES WITH YOUR FACE ITS WORSE THAN THAT EPISODE OF THE TWILIGHT ZONE

-Too..symmetrical? I mean what? That’s the definition of beauty OH GOD HES COMING FOR ME!!

-HOW DO I GUN?!

-OH GOD THAT WAS FIRE!

-I’m sorry Dr. Horrible dude man thing, but I need something in your guts.

-OMG PEOPLE EVERYWHERE WHY?!

-creepy little girl thing, what do I do with you...

-I think I’ll obey Molotov Cocktease up there, I don’t want her to whip me.

-LOOK ATLAS I DO WHAT I WANT

-OH JESUS I'M BEING DRILLED

-YOU LAZY HACKED TURRETS WHY WON’T YOU HELP ME!!

-I’m being big daddy-ed!

-guess I’ll save you too.

-Can I shoot you after I’ve saved you?..crap! sorry! *quick reload*

-*carefully does not use hyperactive trigger finger*

-Alrighty then, back to the pod apparently...

-GAH GRENADE DUDE WHY

-I’m just gonna run...yea that’s a good idea.

-WHY GRENADES?! Do you know what’s gonna happen if you blow a hole in the wall?

-I don’t think anyone down here is suffering from plasmid sickness, I just think everyone here has the bends and they never treated it...
</Sharlene>

ObamaCare is way worse than republicans would have us believe

Detour to Rapture, Part 2: Incorrect Uses For Kool-aid and Other Mistakes

2012-11-08T05:41:00.000-08:00

<Dragonface>
Welcome to the second Bio-Shock entry from Sharlene who is filling in for my total lack of posting about Skryim. Without her help this blog would no longer be able to support itself and would fail. What I'm saying is, Sharlene is my Blog FEMA, or BLEMA if you will.

I know people questioned the value of BLEMA, but I'm certain you will agree with me when I say our $50 million tax dollars are well spent if it means we get to keep the lights on here at "How to Protect Your Knees" a little bit longer.

Till next time...
</Dragonface>
---------------------------------------
<Sharlene>
-I guess I should look around..?

-Doot doot doot AH! oh, its just a flickering light...

-Ooh Kool-aid...*injects it into my arm* WAIT that’s not how you drink Kool-aid!

-DUDE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! HAVE YOU NEVER HAD KOOL-AID BEFORE?!

-For the record squeeze bottles were the best.

-I’d like to imagine that this is exactly what would happen if I injected myself with Kool-aid.

-Why is the joker here, and why is he talking about taking my virginity?

-That’s a big drill *wink*

-That was the worst waterslide ever.

-What in the hell, QUIT TRASH TALKING MY SISTER!

-Why is there a cat down here OH GOD SORRY I hit a cat...

-So electricity from my fingertips eh?...does NO ONE SEE how this is THE WORST IDEA under WATER?!

-TO HELL WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ATLAS!

-Goddammit fine, I suppose I can help...

-Plasmids ruined everything....Sooooo, WHY DID YOU LET ME DRINK THE PLASMID KOOL-AID?!

-Oh neat a gun!

-FRIGGIN?! WHAT GHOST-O-VISION?! No no no nonono NO ONE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THAT!

-I can drink vodka in this game...oh it hurts me? Just like real life.

-Gain health from smoking...Say what now?

-A dark hallway...oh geez, guess where I REALLY don’t want to go....

-COME ON isn’t there ANY OTHER WAY AROUND?!

-...lower the weapon?!...NO DUDE, FRIG THAT NONSENSE!

-This is all like, horror survival 101.

-Hello creepy little girl and big dudeface, *taps shoulder* you wouldn’t happen to know how to get to...OH GOD I”M SORRY I JUST WANTED TO ASK A QUESTION!

-JESUS WHAT WHATS GOING ON OH GOD EVERYONE SEES ME WHHHHYYYY...WHERE DID ALL MY BULLETS GO?!

-The Medical Pavilion?..I hate medical places in horror games.

-Its like “Parasite Eve” all over again, except I can’t make my sister play through the parts where I walk through the morgue.

-Hey hellocopter gun thing, you will be my friend!

-I swear I did not mean to shoot you! These controls are difficult...

-GAH WHY! WHY SO MANY BUNNY MASKS?!

-Let this be a lesson, this is what happens to you if you half-ass being a furry!

-Why are there like 80 nurses and I haven’t seen a single doctor? I have a bone to pick with the medical program here in Rapture.
</Sharlene>

Your looking for the Pavilion? Just take a left at... wait, I mean.. GRRRRRAAAHHHH

Detour to Rapture, Part 1: Opening

2012-11-05T06:19:00.000-08:00

<Dragonface>
So Skyrim is like, super huge! And it's taking me a bit of time to work my way through it and every so often Steam has a sale and I buy some damn game for $2 and I get distracted... FORGIVE ME I'M ONLY HUMAN! So first, let me assure you, Dragonface will one day go scale to scale with Alduin, but right now I'm dealing with zombies or ghosts...or whatever the hell it is that is trying to kill me in "Lone Survivor," seriously, I think they are zombies, but their heads wobble all of the place like they are at a Ska concert every time I see them and honestly I'm more confused than afraid.

So in the meantime my friend Sharlene has been nice enough to do a few entries to keep this blog afloat with BioShock fueled comedy. I think this is the part where I would copy and paste a pre-approved Bio (and yes, she has one because she does stand-up comedy here in NY, and has her own comedy website which is currently down for re-tooling) but that seems way too formal. So what should I say about Sharlene?

Well this one time she asked me to help her move and I when I got to her apartment, I swear to god, it looked like a woman had exploded in there. Clothes were everywhere, there was a hair dryer balanced on a TV and a bunch of stuff in a closet that she couldn't pack because they were at the top and she couldn't reach them, how did they get up there in the first place? She had no idea. I mean, when people ask you to help them move you assume they have ALREADY ACTUALLY PACKED, but no, no she hadn't. God, don't even bring up the air conditioner!

Right, so besides the whole moving thing Sharlene is lovely, trusted and most importantly at this exact moment, very funny.

Without further ado...

Welcome to Rapture.
</Dragonface>

<Sharlene>
In honor of halloween, I’ll be playing Bioshock after having consumed a cup of coffee, which is a lot for me... also I’m bad at shooters and don’t deal well with jumpy things... also I’ve never played Bioshock before.

-OH GOD THE WATER!!! How in the... am I supposed to do something? This is a cut scene right?

-FIRE AND WATER JESUS WHY AM I NOT MOVING...oh.

-Hey look, some stairs, in the middle of nowhere...that’s...great.

-It’s like finding the top of the Chrysler building after Sandy.

-I’m a jerk.

-I also feel like LOST started this way.

-DARK DOOR OH JESUS MY HEART (switches to windowed mode for the sake of her safety)

-WHY DID IT CLOSE?! What if I want to grab my luggage?

-...lights? GAH! oh, ok...stairs...hey look its a capsule the size of my Manhattan apartment...

-But I don’t want to pull the lever, what if I just want to sit...WHERE IS THE SIT OPTION DAMMIT?

-Who left this Tony award underwater?

-...AH MUSIC, oh hello dude.

-But I hate being sweaty...

-HEEEEELLLLOOOOOAOAHAHAHAAGGGGH

-WHAAAAEEELLLLEEEEDGHSEGFJSGOLKBHDYRG...Man I’m great at speaking whale to that whale!

-...so...this city full of lights...underwater...HOW IS EVERYTHING NOT BEING ELECTROCUTED ALL THE TIME?!

-OH JESUS ITS THE SCHOOL NURSE FROM MY NIGHTMARES!!!

-I swear Mrs. Thompson, all of my nosebleeds in 4th grade were legit!!!

-OH GOD WHY! IS THIS GLASS HOOK PROOF!? WHERE IS MY GUN?!

-...probably needed to fish it from the debris OH GOD NOW THE RADIOS GLOWING?! oh wait a minute...

-Hello? This is Dog?

-You want me to WHAT? leave the BUBBLE?! ...no.

-CHRIST WHY!

-TRUST YOU FLOATING VOICE NAMED ATLAS!? BUT I HATE AYN RAND!

-OH GOD, oh, hey a turret thing.

-Wrench? oh I’m Mario now!

-WHY’D YOU THROW A COUCH AT ME?! WHO DOES THAT?!

-Eat wrench! Yea that’s how we do it in mushroom kingdom bitch.
</Sharlene>

Here at Euro-Value Jet we are proud of our 15% spontaneous combustion rate.

Return to Skyrim, Day 9: The Afterlife and Muffins

2012-09-18T06:18:00.001-07:00

-You know what I’m missing in my life? A horse... and a savings account, and a sensible business suit I can wear to job interviews. I think of these three problems the easiest to remedy is the horse one.

-Good sir, I have come to your humble stable to purchase a horse. I’d like a horse that looks like he has seen the horrors of the world but manages to be amazingly handsome in the face of despair.

-Sir, I would like a horse version of myself.

-One Thousand gold for a horse? That is rather cheap. Wait, I want to make sure, this is the price for a “complete” horse, yes? We’re not talking about a horse brisket or “build-it-yourself” horse, right?

-Sir, I’ll be completely honest. Besides being able to identify which animals are in fact horses, I don’t know anything about them.

- Ah yes, clearly this here is a fine horse... with all these legs.. and a tail.. and a head. Yep, that’s a horse all right. I’ll take it.

-Okay horse, I don’t know you and you don’t know me but I’m going to get on your back and you’re gonna let me ride you and this will NOT be awkward. I mean, lizards ride horses all the time, I assume.

-This horse needs a name, hmmm, I know! Muffins! Muffins the horse!

-Let’s put this horse to good use and track down a ghost... yet again, another sentence I never thought I would have the need to say.

-Ok, according to Dinya Balu, a lone ghost wanders these plains looking for her lost love. For once I’m going to do the smart thing and emotionally distance myself from this mess.

-Now if I was a ghost looking for another ghost where would I go? Hmm, well according to this here map the answer is, near a lone monument in the middle of an open field.. an open field that was once a battle ground...

-Wait, am I starting to care? No! You listen here me, you are NOT allowed to care about this, at all! ever!

-Excuse me, Ruki? I can’t help but notice you are all glowy and translucent. I’ve heard you were looking for someone, I thought maybe I could help.

-You... you are looking through the bodies to find your husband? My lady, I.. I don’t know how to tell you this, but I don’t see any bodies here.

-"How can I not see them?" I don’t think I understand the question. Listen, all I see here is some overgrown grass and a monument to war that occurred hundreds of years ago! Listen to me! There are no bodies here! None at all, what you’re looking for … oh... oh god....

-Now I get it, you... you don’t know you’re dead.

-Damn it, why did my hands just go cold? I’m not caring about this. Okay hands, you better start circulating before I get upset.

-Miss? I don’t see your husband here, maybe I should check his base camp. Maybe he is there, okay?

-Just wait here. Somehow, I don’t think that will be a problem for you Ruki.
-Fenrig? I can’t help but notice you standing out here alone in the middle of nothing looking all transparent... what do you mean “Don’t I see all the men?” Listen, I see where this conversation is going. let’s just cut to the chase. Ruki, she needs to see you.

-"Is there something wrong?" You’d be surprised at how complicated the answer to that question is.
-Just follow me and, well, I don’t know if we can sort this out, but we can try.

-Ruki! I have someone here to see you, but before you turn around you need to promise me you won’t say anything emotionally charged.

-”Fenrig! You’re alive!”, damn it woman! We JUST talked about this!

-”..the battle isn’t until tomorrow.” My god, how long has Fenrig been waiting for a tomorrow that he didn’t realized had already passed?

-”Fenrig, what is happening?!”, actually that is a really good question, are you two floating away?

-So that was it, they needed one another before they could ascend and leave this place and they waited hundreds of years to do just that.

“Ruki, it doesn’t matter, we are together now...”, god damn it! can’t you two just be happy AND non-dramatic?! Jerks.

-Well, another mission accomplished and done with only the slightest amount of caring.

-.... or quite a lot of caring, or something.

Pictured: Dedication

Not sure why, but this was the song I listened to the most while putting this post together. Enjoy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYeYold6Uys&feature=related, Audiomachine - “The Truth”

Return to Skyrim, Day 8: Hand Gestures and Other Distractions

2012-09-12T06:16:00.001-07:00

-The end of the world waits for no man, or lizard. Time to head to Karthspire.

-Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you don’t mind that we’re fashionably late but I have a really good excuse! Punchy and I decided to... DRAGONS?! Already? What the hell guys! You started without me?!

-Also, why didn’t anyone tell me Karthspire had a Forsworn infestation? This seems like something someone should have mentioned during the basement debriefing.

-**The dragon has clearly taken a beating at the hands of Forsworn, but upon my arrival it changes its path, circles back and decides I’m now the prime target, I draw back my arrow and, in what may prove to be my most “badass” moment yet, I send a single arrow into his skull, killing him in mid-flight, his lifeless body falls out of the sky and crashes to the ground in a mangled heap.**

-HOOOOOOOOooooo! WooooOOOOOOOOooooo! MY GOD DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THAT?! In certain countries I would now be considered a deity!

-Wait, where did that dead guy come from? Did you do that Punchy? You mean to tell me killing people is more interesting than watching me in action? Why aren’t you busy admiring my handy work?

-Didn’t you see?! That dragon was all like, “ROAR! I’m a dragon!” and I was all like, “I’m the king lizard not you!” and he was like, “I’M GOING TO EAT YOU!” and I was like, “YOU’RE GOING TO EAT ARROWS!” and THEN HE DID!

-*I Motion with my hands mimicking a dragon crashing into the ground while making slow-motion crashing noises*

-You know your problem Punchy? You don’t appreciate good story telling.

-Punchy, where are you running off too? RIGHT! We were in the middle of a battle! Oh Punchy, where would I be without you watching my back while I boast?

-Hey Forsworn, what makes you think you have any chance against us? If the arrows don’t bring you down, the Nord will and if she doesn’t the dog will... and if they don’t I can only assume a passing bandit will. Skyrim really is not a safe neighborhood.

-Who the hell is that old guy summoning rock monsters over there? Time to take a seat old man *Thwomp*!

-Huh, that old guy looked a bit like Esbern.... now that I think about it, where IS Esbern? I... I mean, he kinda looked like Esbern.... sorta... a bit.... a lot. CRAP, IT WAS ESBERN!

-I’m so sorry! so SO sorry! Esbern, talk to me! Are you okay?! I totally didn’t think it was you! I thought I was arrowing a crazy old man, YOU CAN SEE HOW I BECAME CONFUSED!

-Wow, you are just going to walk that off, huh? You are one tough old man. I hope I can take an arrow to the face like that when I’m your age.

-Let’s clean up this Forsworn rabble; storm the gates!

-Honestly I don’t see gates anywhere, but I’m feeling very melodramatic at the moment. Please, bare with me.

-*Thwomp* That’s the last of them. Everyone present and accounted for? Delphine! How good to see you, and even better to see that I didn’t accidentally arrow you in the skull.

-Well, after all that excitement, do we finally get to set foot in the hallowed halls of the Blades old home? I wonder what magical items remain?

-Welcome to Sky Haven, the former home of the bravest warriors this world has ever known.

-MY GOD WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS PLACE? I mean, are you guys sure all the other Blades are dead and not just buried under all this crap?

-Clearly in your massive armory you didn’t have anything resembling a mop.

-Huh, a full set of Blades armor, hope you two don’t mind, but I’m going to take this and save it for a special occasion. I mean, I’m going to need something fancy to be buried in, right?

-Looks like Esbern and Delphine are going to clean this place up, let’s go Punchy, we have a few stops to make before we start trying to hunt down the world eater.

Story time with (crazy old) Esbern

Return to Skyrim, Day 7: A Lizard for Every Nord

2012-08-17T05:59:00.001-07:00

-I guess I should go tell the priests of Mara the good news about Klimmek and Fastred, I’m sure they are going to want to celebrate by sending me on another match-making quest.

-Good ole’ Riften! The only city where I feel safer in its sewers than I do on its streets.

-You know what this town needs? A bigger prison. I mean, would anyone be against just building a giant cage around the entire city? I’m really not seeing a downside to this.

-How does one become a Priest of Mara anyway? I asked this questions months ago and I still don’t have a satisfactory answer. Until someone tells me otherwise I’m just going to assume it is done via a raffle.

-Dinya Balu, how goes it my peaceful priestess? Listen, I took care of the situation in Ivarstead, and I don’t mean to brag, but I didn’t even kill anyone.

-I know, I’m surprised too! Turns out there is something called “mediation” and, get this, you can’t shoot it out of a bow or set someone on fire with it!

-Personally I’m not a fan, but I can see how it would be useful sometimes....occasionally... rarely.... that one time.

-So do you need me to fix another relationship? I knew it! Here is a question for you, have you actually looked into my body of work? I mean, I’ve killed more people than the last plague, what makes you think I’m qualified to help people work out their differences and fall in love? -Wait, don’t walk away from me! I was trying to tell you how not qualified I am! You.. WAIT! DAMN IT! Exactly how many people do I need to kill to prove my point?

-Fine, whatever. This isn’t the first time I’ve been given a task for which I am completely unqualified for. Ooooh, I know! I'll put on my amulet of Mara! That will totally raise my credibility!

-*Puts on Amulet of Mara* Ah, that reminds me, Punchy could you take this... wait, new dialogue option? “Are you interested in me?”, what, like do you want to know my hobbies?

-You ARE interested in me? Well, let me say, I enjoy archery, hunting down bandits, stealing boots off dead people and.. wait, that’s not what you’re asking.

-WAIT! WHAT?! ARE WE TALKING ABOUT MARRIAGE!?!

-This relationship we have, it’s professional, right? I mean, I trust you to watch my back and you trust me to watch yours. That’s what we have here, trust and... huh... well, I guess... I guess that is actually pretty damn important in this world.

-You know what? This world is most likely coming to an end, and if it is I can’t think of any other collection of pixels I want with me when this all gets blown apart.

-Yeah, let’s do this.

-I mean, it can’t go any worse than my real life marriage, right?

-(Dear wife, I am aware you are reading this and I am certain you will understand the humor of the above statement. If not, remember you knew what you were getting into from the very beginning. In summary, you have no one to blame but yourself. )

-(Also, please don’t punch me in my neck again while you are “sleeping”, last time that happened I was pretty sure I was going to die.)

-Hey Dinya! Guess what? I’ve decided to make a crazy and rash decision and I need your help, how much does it cost to rent this temple for a ceremony?

-It seems wrong to get married in armor and to be honest I don’t know where one finds a tailor at this hour, I guess we can make due with various clothing items we have taken from dead people. Pretty sure that is what most people do anyway.

-Oh look! Everyone showed up for the ceremony, even Lydia!

-Maramal, not to rush you, but the sooner you pronounce us Lizard and wife the sooner we can get back to saving the world.

-”...may they journey forth together in this life and the next, in prosperity and poverty, and in joy and hardship. Do you agree to be bound together, in love, now and forever?"

- "I do. Now and forever", not only because it’s the right thing to do, but we are also doing this for all the oppressed cross species couples in Skyrim!... which I assume are being oppressed... I think... I mean, it seems probable.

-Wow, I mean, WOW... this is by far the most insane thing that has happened so far and this is coming from a SIX FOOT TALL BIPEDAL LIZARD that once watched a dragon fight two giants, a mammoth, and a bear.

-Is it time for me to stop calling you Punchy and start calling you by your real name, Uthgerd?
-Well folks, thanks for coming to the ceremony, but Punchy and... I mean, my wife and I have to go and save the world, wish us luck! I suppose you should also wish yourselves luck.

-... also, we are registered at “Belethor's General Goods” and we could really use some kitchenware and arrows, no pressure, just saying. Thank you!

All wedding photography done by the F12 key.

Return to Skyrim, Day 6: This is Crazy

2012-08-13T05:54:00.003-07:00

-You know what I find disappointing right now? Everything.

-I’ve messed up, I know it. No way to make it better either. I should solve this problem in the most healthy way I know how. *checks map* Where is the nearest Tavern?

-Ivarstead, a simple farming community filled with simple people... that will one day fill Alduin’s stomach.

-What? You think these people could stop Alduin, Punchy? The sharpest weapon in this entire town is that sheep. Esbern is right, Alduin is going to eat everything and this stupid town isn’t even going to count as an h’ourder... h’orderov... appetizer.

-So you want to venture out of this village young lady? Tell me, Fastred, where do you wish to go? RIFTEN? REALLY!? Look, if you need someone to steal all your money just let me know. I can save you a trip.

-You know what? I’m going to tell your parents you’re an idiot. Also, that they are bad parents.... want to go to Riften... kids these days... *disgruntled mumbling*

-Hey! Jofthor! Yeah you! Is that your daughter? If so you SUCK at parenting! She aspires to travel to RIFTEN! Yeah, that’s right, RIFTEN! She might as well aspire to die in a fire!

-She wants to leave because of a boy? Oh... well. I suppose that explains all the poor life choices.

-.... and he is an arrogant talentless poet? With no real life skills? Listen, from one parent to another, I can kill him for you. No, I’m so serious right now. I mean, a giant dragon is going to eat us all in a week or two anyway, so this really isn’t that big of a deal.

-Right, no murdering. Listen, I’m going to have a little talk with Bassianus the poet. I’ve been told I can be very... persuasive.

-Bassianus, I just meet you, and this is crazy, but I’m a bipedal lizard, run for your life maybe?

-Wait! You mean I can solve this problem without violence? I... I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with a solution that doesn’t end with arrows in skulls.

-You mean, another villager has fallen in love with Fastred? Klimmek, he is a decent chap with an unfortunate name and an abundance of common sense. AH! And look who just walked into the Tavern!

-Klimmek, I’ve already meet you, and this is crazy, but I … DAMN IT! I’m sorry, I got this friggin’ song stuck in my head. Anyway, I’ve heard you had a thing for Fastred and that then you didn’t.

-Look I’m a six foot tall lizard so I’m completely qualified to give you life advice, but first I need to ask you something. Do you still love her?

-Ok, so you do, so call me crazy, but maybe she should know this?

-Listen buddy, I like you so I’m going to level with ya. This is all so temporary... even more so because the world is ending in the next week or so... anyway, tell the people you love how you feel. You never know when this is all going to go away... or when they are going to turn into stone in some cavern filled with vampires...

-Damn right, you are going to tell her! Go, GO NOW! RUN KLIMMEK, RUN!

-Ok, let’s get close enough to hear what is going on but not close enough to be a distraction. What? I’m entitled to know how this ends, Punchy! And no, I don’t really care, why would I care about some stupid villagers and their stupid feelings... or how stupid this is... just sayin’.... it’s stupid.

-HA! She loves him too! How lovely! I’m so hap... I mean... whatever.

-This game needs a “Give a subtle highfive” option.

-Enjoy the rest of your lives Klimmek and Fastred. With any luck, that will be more than a week.

Fastred parents. Not just are they bad at parenting, but they have a bizarre drinking problem.

Song for this post: “Call Me Maybe” - Carly Rae Jepsen (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWNaR-rxAic) (I really didn’t have a choice, I forgot how the chorus went and, well, it all went downhill from there)

Return to Skyrim, Day 5: This Night

2012-08-07T21:05:00.002-07:00

-Delphine, look! I brought you an old man! I’ll be honest, I’ve never gotten the hang of gift giving.

-I may poke fun at your pal Esbern but damn it, 90% of the world seems to want him dead and he still managed to reach retirement age.

-Ok Esbern, we have our collective backs to the wall here. Dragons have replaced raccoons as the most common pest in cities and the Thalmor are running amok like the world is coming to an end. Also, the world is coming to an end. Any thoughts?

-Go to Alduin’s Wall? Alduin the World Eater’s wall? That seems like an awfully bold plan for a guy that was just hiding in the sewers and pooping in a bucket for the last decade.

-Fine, we need to swing by the Karthspire first, well, it may not sound like a holiday resort but that does sound somewhat safer than the World Eater’s home.

-Karthspire is all the way on the other side of the map. The journey will be long and difficult. Right, so I’ll meet you guys there then?

-I know, not the most heroic decision I’ve made but I need to sort a few things out before I take my little squad to the end the world.

-Ok listen team, I’ve been thinking something over and... well, Snuggleface, I know this isn’t what you signed up for, so it’s time to take you home.

-Let’s be honest, I’ve been calling you Snuggleface the dog for so long that I’ve completely forgotten you’re actually some kinda demon sidekick named Barbas. I can kid myself all I want, but I’m betting you want to go back to your buddy.

-This... this is surprisingly a difficult decision, but we are about to start our march on what I expect to a truly horrible situation, I don’t want anyone “dragged” along. I mean, this is the right thing to do, yes?

-Onward, to the home of Clavicus Vile.

-Damn it Clavicus! Why is your home always infested with vampires? I mean, most people are content with bug infestations, but no, not you.

-Clavicus, I have your axe and your dog... I.... I want you to take both of them back...

-So I would get to keep this cursed axe providing I strike Snuggleface, I mean.. Barbas, down with it?

-There are mistakes I have made, but I only make them on my own terms. No deal.

-Before I hand over the axe, Barbas... do you want to stay with us? I mean, right now we can all just turn around and walk away from this place and call it a day. Is this what you really want? I mean, your buddy seems to be something of a terrible bastard.

-Give him the axe and trust you? I... as you wish.

-*I hand the axe over to Clavicus, Barbas reassures me that he will make sure Vile fulfills his part of the bargain and with that he disappears. Moments later he appears as a statue next to Vile in his rightful place.*

-Wait... I’ve... done the right thing? Look, someone, ANYONE needs to reassure me this was the right thing to do because right now.... right now, I’m so afraid I’ve failed.

-A mask? This is the gift I’ve received in exchange for my puppy?

-So, this is it. This is how his chapter of the story ends? He is back home, back with his twisted partner.... but this is what he wanted, so this must have been the right decision.

-Oh the lies I tell myself to make things easier...

-I guess this is it, time to do something I’ve never been any good at. It’s such a simple word but saying it seems to make things so damn final, but then again... it is.

-Goodbye, Snuggleface.


Where his story ends.

(I always listen to different songs while I write these posts, in fact a few of the titles have references to the songs I was listening to during the writing process. I had a hard time finding something to set the mood for this entry, eventually I found it with "Black Lab - This Night", enjoy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cucFfpsqf8)

Return to Skyrim, Day 4: The Old Man and the Sewer

2012-08-06T05:58:00.000-07:00

-Good Ole Riften, the city voted most likely to make people say, “Where is my wallet? It was just here a minute ago...”.

-Look, I killed a dragon for you people! Why is no one impressed?! Where is your undying love and affection!?

-Fine, whatever, if I can’t impress the folks living in the city I’ll try to impress the ones living under it.

-The Ratway... well, I see why they don’t mention this place in the travel brochures.

-Excuse me, Large Burly man? Could you point me toward the.. um...*checks notes* the old man? WHOA! Easy with the axe buddy!

-Personally I’m not offended but, as you notice, Punchy here doesn’t take kindly to your unique brand of hospitality.

-I would ask if you learned your lesson about swinging sharp metal at Nords, but you seem pretty dead at the moment. I’ll just assume you got the point.

-The super scaley female lizard that owned the inn in Riften told me a makeshift inn exists down here somewhere... and yes Punchy, she was scaley, why is this a problem? Are you rolling your eyes at me?

-Do we ALWAYS have to fight like this when we are on vacation?!

-Hey, Barkeep, any idea where the “old man” is? Hey, no need to get all on edge. Actually that reminds me, you may need to hire a new door man, your last one just retired unexpectedly.

-How is it possible that the people that live under Riften are even worse than the ones in it?

-None of you want to help? Fine, you know what? I don’t need this! I’ll find him on my own with my lizard tracking powers... I really don’t know much about the animal kingdom so I’m just going to assume that is a thing lizards can do.

-Geez, who wears such fancy robes to the sewers? Damn it, THALMORS!

-Guess I’m not the only one on a quest to find an old man in the sewers, eh boys? Of course the difference is, I’m going to find him, whereas you are going to spend the rest of your evening prying arrows out of your skulls. *thwomp*

-The Thalmors may be “C” grade goons, but they wear some “A” grade armor. I could use all the funds I get, from selling off their stuff, to put Meeko through puppy college.

15-Well, I may not know who this old man if, but if the Thalmors want him dead he is automatically my newest friend... assuming I find him... and that he is still alive.

-Hmm, not sure if I have found the old man but this heavily locked door is promising.

-Sir? Sir?! Can you please open the door? I’ve traveled a long way to find you...

-*looks over to Punchy for help* I promise we aren’t here to sell you anything, nor are we representatives of any church...

-hmmm... Have I mentioned that I was sent by Delphine?

-There we go! Esbern, you are a hard man to find... how long have you been down here? If you don’t mind me asking, where have you been going to the bathroom?

-Aren’t you a ray of sunshine, listen I’ve heard a large number of prophecies lately and I’m going to be honest, I’m not a fan of any of them.

-Alduin is going to eat everything? I don’t even... how? Like, all at once?

-Wait, I’m not sure if you got the memo, while you were down here, but according to some very crazy guys that live at the top of a very dangerous mountain, I’m the Dragonborn. See! I knew that would brighten your day!

-Listen, we can sort this all out later, for now let’s get you back to Delphine so you can tell her your plan to save the world.... you DO have one of those, right? I mean, not to put any pressure on a man wearing a burlap bag for a shirt but the rest of humanity is sorta counting on you.

Both the most helpful and attractive person in Riften.