Huezz n snapshots

Love as it is...

2014-05-05T01:50:00.001+05:30

Love to her was the brilliance that his existence made her life fulfilling, love to him was the idea that her existence kept him from being lonely...

Love for her was sacrificing everything for anything that he wanted, love for him was not giving up on what was convenient for him...

Love for her was constantly looking out for his comfort, love for him was seeking her help...

Love for her was to acknowledge his importance in her life, love for him was to play cool and show nothing...

Love for her meant dreams of togetherness, love for him meant to see if it works out for a while...

Love for her meant adjusting according to the relationship, love for him was no changes required...

Love for her meant she would ask him to marry her often, love for him meant no promises or commitment...

Love slowly killed her, love slowly killed him...

The Railway Tracks...

2013-04-26T07:54:00.002+05:30

The one thing that makes me feel like I am in a time machine is being on a train. I love the way train journeys make me feel. They give me a rush. A concoction of so many emotions that if I want to explain it, I would have to probably tell you everything that I experience on a train.

Let me start from the beginning then, when my parents took my cute lil' sis and me for our first ever family vacation to Puri, Orissa. I was in the second grade, my sis a year junior in school. We had heard stories of how train journeys took days but we had never been on a train for more than the time that it takes to travel by an express train from Dhanbad to Calcutta. We used to ask crazy questions to our parents and tried to smuggle in everything into the suitcases we packed as if we were shifting houses and not leaving for a vacation. I still have hazy memories of the both of us being startled when the engine whistled announcing the arrival of our train. On boarding the train we were astounded to see berths instead of the rows of seats that generally short distance passenger trains have. My sis fell asleep after the initial curiosity that is inherent in kids however I kept awake and looked out the window for most of the journey. I just couldn't sleep, afraid that I might miss something interesting. I still don't sleep much while travelling.

Train journeys however short always remind me of this experience. There are a host of other images which flash through my mind when I travel by train. Like the numerous times Shaheen and I travelled together, to and from New Delhi, and the times that were and everything that we have meant to each other over the years.

They remind me of the first time I was supposed to go to Manipal to meet Snoopy and how the train arrived without the compartments attached for Goa. A random, long, scary, energy sapping and emotionally draining misadventure ensued which a guy managed to undertake just coz the eyes of his lover beckoned him and seemed like the light house in a rough sea whenever his spirits sank on the highways of Karnataka.

They also serve sweaty reminders of the four months that I spent in Mumbai for my summer internship and of the harrowing local train struggles from Lower Parel to Vashi. Everyday a new lesson on the difficult lives of my country men and how distinctly different our dreams, hopes and aspirations are. And, the struggle to achieve them with a smile on our face. The indomitable spirit of the human kind and the famed Mumbai spirit.

Trains; allow me the luxury to revisit my childhood, refresh memories, relive moments of glorious success, be in love, dwell on the past, alter the outcome of my behaviour in hindsight and sometimes when I am in really high spirits - play the super hero and probably save a damsel in distress ;P

However, the railway tracks always fill me with a feeling of melancholy. And that is because however hard they try, whichever direction they take, howsoever twist and turn they might or as many miles they travel side by side, they never meet for ever and for all the pains they take they get to meet each other only for the briefest periods of time, probably at a crossover just like new lovers stealing a glance at each other in a room full of friends who still don't know how they feel for each other or the slight brush of the hands in a market place where the girl/boy has been accompanied with a strict parent or a relative.

That is probably why I love the clouds. They meet whoever they want, whenever they want to, wherever they wish and for howsoever long they desire...

Life's ways!!!!

2013-01-26T08:47:00.001+05:30

Life comes full circle. Oh! So many times. We just don’t either notice them or are too busy/have moved ahead to care for them. To actually, wait and relish these moments, re-live them. Sitting in this room, this 24th day of January, 2013, I pause to reflect on those July days in the very same classroom on this very desk. A younger me, full of excitement of having made it into Deloitte, getting to know new people, liking many, hopefully making many like me, learning by the day, having fun both during classes and afterwards with new friends; exploring the charms of this city, establishing myself at a new place as well as trying to be the responsible son, caring brother and the loving boyfriend that I had always strived to be.

Fast forward two and a half years and I hardly see any of those faces in the office from the class that I was in that day. All of the five people with whom I shared this desk during those days have gone their own separate ways. Some have new jobs, some new dreams, others new relationships and almost everyone a new life. Time flies. Yes! It surely does. I don’t know if I am happy or if I am sad. What should I be? How should I feel?

I remember vividly all their faces, those smiles, their joys and sorrows, each one’s struggles and victories, personal quests and aspirations. I can recall everything significant that has affected my life in the past thirty months.... Good, bad, ugly or effing fabulous!!!! I live them now, this moment, everything flooding through me, coursing through my veins. EVERYTHING....

Guess, we humans are hard-wired this way. Time, actually doesn’t heal anything, does it???? The scabs; we just hide them, forget them and bury them under the debris of recent memories, experiences and layers of time’s travesties and blame/praise Time by calling it the ‘greatest healer’.

I smile, I live, we all do, we all will. I look at the pretty girl sitting next to me and she smiles and asks me the topic of my next blog that she assumes correctly I am working on in the midst of the training session. I do not know what to tell her and I just smile back. I look at her face and the rest of the four people sharing the same desk and then glance all around me at everyone else in the class. So, how many do I know, how many more will I know in due course of time, will someone here affect/touch my life? Questions, only Time will have answers to. Well, whatever. Let time run its course and until then I shall smile, I shall sing, I shall savour entertaining conversations and I shall enjoy getting to know as many people as I can in this class and out there beyond the confines of the heavy wooden door because even if we part ways; the world is as small as it is large and somewhere, someday, somehow, sometime I am sure our paths will cross again and all I wish is that we create good/happy memories enough while we are engaged in the act of living life’s designs and knowing each other that when we do reach that stage of being in each other’s vicinity we can muster the courage to acknowledge the other’s presence, look up and into the other person’s eyes and let our eyes smile and do the talking even if we actually do not stop and do so....

The Willow Wails....

2012-12-24T01:35:00.001+05:30

As a child who loved to run around,

But, afraid to sit by himself on the merry-go-round,

You inspired him to maintain his ground, and

With the bat and ball a passion he found.

Twirls, poses and appeals abound,

Whether awake, eating, in his dreams or any place he could bound (to),

Such was your grip on his lil’ heart,

That he would wake up with a start,

Every time the television played a Boost commercial or displayed a score card.

To him it has now become second nature,

To watch, read or collect things wherein you feature,

You, his God and, he, your humble creature.

So, when you broke this news to the world,

All his heart could do was pound....

Deep thuds and missing beats,

For you have been to him all good things INFINITE!!!!

P.S. : To be continued....

Sarcasmic Pleasures :P

2012-09-10T20:41:00.001+05:30

DISCLAIMER : Any or all resemblance to any living, non-living being, plant, animal, paranormal existence, etc. is truly and honestly (I have the software open on my screen and my hand is on it) a coincidence. The writer accepts that this is purely fictional and might be a hallucination.

How to achieve legendary fan followings and remain amongst the most talked about in the office plus other attractive tricks and stunts*

1) Enroll for everything – yes, EVERYTHING – that comes your way. Be it training, cultural program, fund raising, dancing (even if you hobble like me and others think you are about to throw up), helping new hires by imparting on-the job-training (you can always decline saying you have truckloads of work : psst… and use this time to catch up with your office buddies, go to the bandih wallah, coochie coo with your bf/gf on the phone), or better trying to tutor the professional who is assisting the new hires that you were assigned in the first place;

2) Be the 1^st to send out b’day, anniversary, seasons’, new year’s, Diwali, Dusshera, Eid, Christmas (there are so many festivals and special occasions; especially in India) mails to the whole office. You just have to be a bit more creative to come up with new ones. Try some which I came up with. Wishes for successful divorce, getting a new bf/gf, ditching the last one, pet giving birth to younger ones, pet eloping with neighbour’s pet (this one is sad so insert a sad smiley : if you need further assistance with this then kindly get in touch with my hot secretary she is a Six Sigma certified smiley maker on fb; if you don’t know what fb is then you need to call Technology Assistance Call Center), new watch day, new lingerie day (you need to be really observant or track status updates/tweets on fb or twitter), a dislocated arm/fractured neck (again insert sad or relevant smiley), got love bites mail (check with the person before sending to whole office) etc.;

3) If you were the first one to send these mails out then please ‘reply to all’ to whosoever replies and thanks you for your wishes. Keep replying to all for all such thanksgiving mails. Do not worry if you are not the 1^st person to send these mails. For you can always send out another mail wishing the same person for the same reason. Just change the text font, color, size and the background image. Also, for both the type of people please do not rest on your laurels. Every day you must take ownership and initiative to copy paste and forward to everyone pathetic one-liners, jokes, quotes, anecdotes, stories, snaps, pictures, irrelevant locations for holidays, enlightening piece of news (like who is Anna Hazare, do you know what goes into your paani puri etc.), etc. You need not worry whether whatever you are mailing out has/holds any semblance of truth or not. Just do it!!! (Nike is rich and they ask you to do it so what the heck, do it). Again, if someone replies you have to ‘reply to all’ (why the hell was that feature created in the first place; they could have just created send. Ya! You got it right. It was meant to be your vehicle to popularity). It is your birthright so always send to all;

4) Always take out time to go and visit people on their desks and say hi/hello/howdy/how are you?/do you have work to do? (the last question is a must). Repeat this at least 3 times daily for people you know. For people you do not know do it twice daily or one and a half times (half matlab walking by their desks and grinning at them like a dolt but sparing them your dignified presence for more than those fleeting seconds). Soon, the people you do not know will shift to the people you know list. See, I told you making friends and networking is child’s play;

5) Ask random people if they want to go to CCD/Barista/cafeteria/any other joint with you. If not, then drag them along. If still not, then at least you can tag along with them to the Breakout area or the water cooler. Remember to watch out for two universal symbols which denote the washrooms for the different genders. In your frenzy to keep on the conversation do not follow him/her into the sacrosanct place (after all, you aren’t Hutch/Vodafone ka kutta read pug that you’ll follow wherever he/she goes). In case you do, do not be afraid you will just hit the top levels of recognition amongst all members of the opposite sex within 50 metres of the vicinity of the washroom where you achieved this feat. You also will have a dinner time tale to tell at all company get togethers, parties, official dinners and can post it on fb and beg for comments and likes. Been there, done that. Also, you might get to say hello to the Operations fellows, Security gaurds, Housekeeping staff… Again networking!!! (In some years, they will vote for you for making you a Star Employee);

6) Keep away from your desk but keep your IM busy and active. How? I am still trying to figure this out. Subsequent posts will cover this issue in detail;

7) 1) If something is not happening then make it happen. Laugh loudly as if the someone just gave you a free pass to the Disney Land and asked you to stay there forever all expenses paid (if you prefer sleaze then Vegas will be your choice) but laugh out loud so that the guy/gal who is trying to make that state return and is listening to the Linking Park removes his ear phones and look at you. See, you got his/her attention. Well begun but still half done. Try point#4 and 5 at him/her. If laughing loudly has people immune then add variations to your laughing style. Try snorting, grunting, guffawing, clutching at your throat, falling off your chair while laughing, falling on other people and their desks, etc. Please try and do not laugh as if you are about to orgasm because that might mean a hello to the integrity and compliance people. If you want to get featured on the weekly bulletin then go ahead and do this too;

8) If point#7 doesn’t work for you then lose your badge/ID and roam all around the premises and ask people if they have seen it. Do not ask demand it. After all, Right to Information is an Act now and a fundamental right. In fact, why don’t you start forwarding the chapters of this Act as mails every day. Enough to keep you going for a long time (so add it to point#3). After some time you can again go over to every one’s desk and announce that you have got it back. Tell them who all helped you, who didn’t, what all gossip you exchanged during the endeavor of tracking it down. In fact, at the EOD you can again send out an e-mail to thank people and promising help for their problems; both personal and professional;

9) Take a lunch/dinner break. The company entitles you to one. Hak se mango aur le lo. Work life balance bhi to zaruri hai;

10) Uff!!! I stretch so much and work so much but still there is so much work to be done. Am I a slave? Am I a servant? Keep ranting these things and disturb others. Persuade them to join you in on your cribbing brigade. Waste whatever time was there left for the day to end. Then, settle down on your desk and start surfing. Seniors will notice you are stretching way way past your normal scheduled hours. When they leave you again have to become active so conserve energy. Patience is key. It is the virtue which will ensure you achieve super stardom. Yes, just like Rajnikanth. You are slowly getting my point;

11) As soon as the expat/manager/senior/whoever you have been apple polishing all day leaves : Pack your bag and hit the gym. Work life balance and trying to remain healthy or trying to keep myself motivated gyaan arguments will help you dissipate all doubts your co-workers, juniors, colleagues harbor when they see you lugging your gym bag across the floor at the most ungodly and unearthly hour possible;

12) Charge the time that you spent in office and charge more. Always. Aakhir Indian ho. Kuch to logey. Time hi le lo. In fact agar client ko charge kar saktey ho to charge them for your food and travel too. Jaan hi le lo!!! There are many who have achieved mastery in this skill. Working for less hours and having more Client Service Hours. Data samples have been sent to the NASA and their time travel wing is still trying to solve this mystery as to how this is possible only in India. Until then we need to wait for the results. Not exactly, an intelligent colleague pointed out the MM (multiple monitor) theory. If you use two or more monitors you can/may/should charge time spent on both depending on your mood swings, the way the senior asked you to get the work in, the deadline etc. For more clarifications on this theory please reach out to me.

*Try these tips for maximum R&Rs. The writer does not take any guarantee of results or your bf/gf/pets walking out on you. Limited liability indemnification and whatever. Suggestions are subject to market risk and results may vary from person to person depending on co-workers level of patience, grit and ability to take shit and not stand up against it.

P.S. : If you have received this e-mail from me then appreciate it and then please delete it. Under any circumstances, please refrain from forwarding it across to your colleagues (including that ‘oh! so cute guy/girl’) and seniors or the HR department. I am sure you would want to excuse me the pleasantries that they would want to exchange with me if this gets around. Curb your urges to hit the send button (yes! I have the greening initiative and global warming issues on my mind), don’t make a cult following for this piece of whatever I wrote and as soon as the feelings of exhilaration and achievement have settled down, please go back to your desks and get your work done. ;P

Cheerio,

You know who wrote it

March : I love thee!!!!

2012-03-13T18:29:00.006+05:30

Love, the word itself has a unique and mysterious ring to it. Some swear by its purity, some by its prowess, some of its magnanimity, some by its eccentricity and some of the wreckages and wars it causes both in the minds and in the souls of people who have experienced it.

Right since when I was a kid, I have loved the month of March coz it brought with it the only vacation which wouldn’t have any holiday homework to be done. With the final examinations behind me there were no constant naggings to study and no restrictions on the hours of doing whatever my young, rebel heart wanted to do, set apart March from May-June (summer hols) or December-January (winter break). I could play as much as I wanted in the front, cemented courtyard; my version of solo cricket with my bat and plastic ball rebounding off the wall and my own version of English commentary right through my mock matches wherein India always ended up winning (even if I was playing a test match and we, India, had conceded a first inning lead). I love the air that the setting of March brings about as it has a distinct smell about it. I can smell it all day and night and still not have my fill of it coz it brings with it a smell of freedom, life, my childhood, dad’s coming back home from office in the evening and giving me a royal ride on his scooter (and occasionally even letting me hold/twist the accelerator), mom smiling from the front verandah window on the first floor while doing her evening ‘pujo’, my sister striking a deal with me to bat and get out for 50 times before I got a turn to bat, my Dada and Mam-Mam (maternal grandparents) wondering as to what else would fall prey apart from the grandfather’s clock that was the first casualty after bearing the brunt of my Sachin Tendulkar hook shot, the air smelling sweet of shoe-flowers and spider-lilies as soon as the dusk tip-toed in, the moon in all its glory, me imagining warriors fighting in the night sky and trying to etch the name of my school crush by joining the stars while lying on the roof at night after a cool and refreshing bath by the tube-well and being dunked with prickly heat talc by mom later.

Well, any love story cannot be all love and no heart-burn. March, also brought with it pangs of misery and pain. Board examinations, piles of course books, refresher material, last 10 years’ solved question papers, unending syllabuses and the miniscule portion I had covered and examination schedules gave me shivers in this month, twice, in my life as a school kid. Sleepless nights, a ban on video games, no ‘adda’ sessions after tuition classes, confiscation of my cell phone, no going for drives on my two-wheeler and absolutely no sprawling on the bed and spending a couple of hours devouring and digesting every section of the newspaper, I hold them all against March. However, I agree that without a little pain and the occasional argument a love story is too perfect to be true, too boring to be fun, too fine to be enjoyed, too bland to be savoured and too sacrosanct to last a life time. So, my affair with March continues every year and it has only kept getting better with time.

I say so as I have enjoyed the colours of Holi and India’s win over Pakistan in the 2003 and 2011 cricket world cups in this month. Wherever, I have been, March has always been faithful to me and we have never changed the way our relationship has been over the years. March, felt awesome in Delhi as it had a balmy, soothing wind blowing during the evenings which was reassuring and it also feels great in Hyderabad as the warm March showers leave me filled with ecstasy and makes my heart crave for more just like a child wanting another helping of ice-cream or a particular colour of jujube (sponge candy).

March, also happens to bring with it the birthday of the most beautiful lady that I have ever known and whom I have and by whom I have been loved the most. The starry nights of March thus remind me of her deep black eyes which have a mischievous twinkle about them, the mysterious gusts of winds remind me of her lovely, unkempt locks blowing all over her pretty face, the soothing evenings remind me of her brilliantly sparkling teeth and her comforting smile and the warm rain always brings back memories of the first kiss I shared with her, invaluable, everlasting, and when time stood still….

P.S. : By indicating the month of March, I took the liberty of including in it the ending of February and the start of April too. Pardon my travesty. I love and will always love March and Snoopy….

Yours only and forever!!!

2012-02-09T20:10:00.001+05:30

You’ll never ever realize maybe,

That I will love you forever, baby;

Don’t know how I can show you my feelings,

Open the door of your heart and you’ll find me kneeling;

Your lovely laughter reminds me of the wind chimes,

And bring back memories of the lovely times;

Spent together without a care,

Jokes and anecdotes that we would share;

Having fun till the hilt,

But, now I am just plunged in so much of guilt;

Was I so bad,

That, with me, you got so mad?

If your love for me was gone the moment you said bye,

I would prefer to grieve and die;

It’s not that I cannot go on and live without you,

Just that life then would have no value;

Trying to change and become a better human being,

So that you can once again for me have feelings;

Living through pain but having a lot of hope,

That you will not leave me forever to cry and mope..

P.S. : For the most loved girl in this universe.... Te amo!!!!

Pangs of a bookmark...

2011-10-21T17:33:00.000+05:30

I am not angry, just hurt coz I am just a book mark in your life which keeps waiting to be briefly touched maybe lingered on a lil’ bit on my lucky days. However, I am sure you keep forgetting about my existence. I wait and keep waiting. I am an impatient man but I still wait coz I like the twinge of pain associated with such long waits. I wait and do nothing important; I do not try and save the world; I watch a worthless movie maybe, flip aimlessly through the pages of a dog-eared book already read before, keep interacting with other people online without knowing why they are awake at this unearthly hour – their stories I am sure might very well be similar or radically different, extremely productive pursuits or totally wasted exertions – and wait some more. Just to hear you say that you reached home safely. Just to know that you are doing fine. I don’t demand time coz I understand you have work pressure and loads of studies which are priorities. I understand. However, I still stay awake just for those 5 minutes at the end of the day to hear you say good night. To wish you a sound sleep. To tell you, that I love you. All I expect are those 5 minutes but I would not tell you this coz then you would make it an obligation for yourself and it would seem so fake. Just like the silent tear drops that roll down my eyes and wet my pillow as I write this. I am just sad that that I can never be what would really mean special to you. Try as I might. Today. Tomorrow. For the rest of my life. Donno why it still pains and hurts me when I know I am just pushing myself to be ‘us’ rather than ‘u’ and ‘I’. Trying hard to let go and move on from the kiss below the staircase on that early March evening. I set you free. Work. Play. Drink. Party. Be merry. Enjoy. Live life. Make friends. Have fun. Smoke up. Have sex. I release you from the captivity of my love and the confines of my heart. The chains of bindings that keep you from what you deserve. What you actually want. What you crave for. I give up baby. I give up. Adieu. Take care, love….

P.S. : Written for no one. Just written. However, often holds true for both the sexes. Isn’t it so???

So many desires... All unfulfilled!!!

2011-06-15T02:13:00.002+05:30

I wanna meet you in a place known to no one,

I wanna meet you away from prying eyes,

I wanna tell no more lies,

I wanna meet you like we used to meet;

Like Friends

Like people who had no cares for this world,

I wanna cry and I wanna laugh,

I wanna walk with you in the summer rain,

Let it wash away all your pain;

And when you are afraid of the night,

I wanna hug you really tight;

Let us go away to a place,

Somewhere;

Where no one cares;

Where I can hold your hands and soothe your fears;

Wipe away your tears and tuck your disheveled strands of hair behind your ears;

And kiss your forehead and say, "Cheer up! Coz I am here with you.

By your side. Forever."

Your Best Friend ever...

P.S. : The poem is not good enough I know this for sure; however I am not aiming for the laurels here. If it serves the purpose why and for whom I wrote it I will be a happy man.

Randomzzzz!!! Voila!!! (I know, I know, sounds a lot like Aailaa!!!)

2011-05-31T11:19:00.007+05:30

If I could just love you for the rest of my life I guess I would be happy. Success seems tasteless, victory gives no joy and material possessions and goals seem so very transient and fleeting like the grains of sand in an hour glass. Everything seems hollow n every emotion fake in a possessed labyrinth which humankind calls socialising. I smile n bear them daily. My world revolving only around the faint recollection of your face and your hand waving out to me when we parted..

P.S. : I know that you know that I wrote it for you..

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"Dedicated to a frnd long lost to the quirks of lyf"

Frndship dey say is the essence of lyf... I say it's the elixir of lyf... Remains fresh as long as the heart lives... Rots as soon as the memories fade... Good tyms spent together nourishes it... Misunderstandings strangle it... Frndship is not a choice of life... It is in fact life itself...

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Howsoever brilliant your idea might be and no matter how intelligent your solutions might be there will always be people in the room who will try n dismiss them as if they would have thought about it in their sleep. Truth is, they are losers and the best way to deal with them is to let them believe what they want to. This gives them a false sense of superiority and that is the only luxury that they can afford in their meager existence.

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I knw dat pleasing ladies is d most difficult n Herculean task dat a man can hope to accomplish but I hav atleast made a beginning… So, I am clean-shaven dis year so dat the pretty gals dnt complain wen dey gimme a peck on my cheek n wish me on V-Day. Anythn fr the ladies!!! ;P

P.S. : On the eve of Valentines Day 2011

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Life I guess is under your control as long as things are undecided; b'coz then, however naive it might seem... We have a comfortin' feeling dat v r the ones in charge of our lives..

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Most of us confuse love with being together. With due respect to everyone out here who would pounce on me if I utter anything against what they believe, I choose to differ. How else would u explain the feelings that parents have for their children working in different cities, siblings connected by that envelope which carries a rakhi every year, a dutiful son who has just lost his dad but flies back to play for the nation, lovers connected by the world wide web, friends connected through social networking media and how does sum1 explain how Mr.Montague & Miss Capulet never were together but are always referred to have been the greatest lovers ever who tread on Terra Firma!!!

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Now that you are gone, sometimes when I miss u I stand near your cubicle in the office, remembering the days spent in training, the walks during lunch hour, the crazy snaps together, the movie outings where we always ended up sitting together, the shopping excursions, the bus ride to Lahari Resorts, table tennis at Runway 9, the hukkah sessions at Café Latte, the Pizza Hut treats, the dentist visit, playing UNO and Taboo, cooking food at your place, the Family Day volunteering, the dinners, the late night phone calls, the really long chats, the bitching n gossip sessions, your promise to write back whenever I wrote something on my blog, for listening, for choosing to be frnds with me.

P.S. : Dedicated to Aditi Arya, my 1st friend in Deloitte. Miss you!!!

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What to do when you are in a Telugu speaking Police Station : When in doubt keep mum and act dumb; Whatever they are saying act as if they are very intelligent even if u feel like kicking there asses; Co-operate fully by paying cash asap and do not under any circumstances act aggrieved; Thank them for the agony caused repeatedly while leaving and emphasize that you learnt a great lesson only because they helped you by causing nonsense!!!

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Unreciprocated love is just like an unfinished journey. Unbridled and unrestrained. It knows no dead ends, no restraining orders, no speeding tickets and no road blocks. Always on the lookout for the destination. Grows by leaps n bounds. Stays bottled up inside you, the heart never letting you let go of the feelings that you have for your beloved and the mind never letting you forget how miserable it is not to be loved back… I have always loved truly and whole heartedly and will always continue doing so…

P.S. : For no one in particular but for everyone in general...

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Yesterday at around this time you were lonely and I held you in my arms and soothed your fears away… Today you are happy, with friends, and you have shooed me away… It’s strange but true how we hurt the heart that loves us the most and which we otherwise care for utmost… Life comes full circle in a mere 24 hours… This is the pain of love, the ecstasy of life… I love you!!!

P.S. : For the most important lady in my life.. Muuuuaaaah..

-Tj

D Life Revisited

2010-11-08T03:40:00.004+05:30

Like a butterfly I had always known,
That I loved it when the wind had blown,
Across my face and ruffling my hair,
Making me soar, higher up in the air.
I had grown up living life on my own terms,
Like a tree; benevolent, upright and firm.
Friends told me I had to curb my way(s),
And mellow my heart which sang aloud like a jay.
They said the corporate world was big and bad,
And people wouldn't think twice before making me sad;
It is a maze, it is a race,
They shouted all day long in my face.
I wished and prayed that life was always fun;
And then, I was chosen by the Number One.

"I am sorry bro; you did not make it to the final round of interviews." These words kept ringing in my ears on the night of January 22nd, 2010 at around 10:00 p.m. when the results of the first round of interviews for Deloitte were declared by the placement representative of my college (IBS Hyderabad). After two years of MBA, three months of grueling placement preparation, two days of multiple online tests and after eight hours of waiting for my interview I had been rejected yet again. This time by the company about which I had heard a lot from my seniors and friends of how they encourage talent, I had read blogs about their culture and integrity and I had started harboring hopes and day dreaming of being a part of it after clearing the initial rounds of online assessments.
I went blank for a while, then called up mom and told her that the dream seemed to be over. She comforted me and I trudged back towards my room in the Boys Hostel with a heavy heart and leaden footsteps. My friends who met me on the way were saying words of encouragement but I couldn’t hear them. I seemed to be far, far away from everyone. I reached my room and I prayed to God and was contemplating what to do next when my cell phone rang. On the other end was the placement coordinator asking me to get dressed and reach the placement cell as soon as possible. In the same breath, he informed me that there had been a mistake and my name actually figured on the list of people who had made it to the next round of interviews and hurriedly disconnected the call. I didn’t know how to react. Disbelief, happiness, anxiety, nervousness, suspicion that it might be a prank and hope were just some of the emotions which flooded my mind at that instance of time. I rushed back, was interviewed and was hired at 04:00 a.m. in the morning. I usually stay awake into the wee hours of the morning but I can vouch that in my entire life I have never been as happy as I was on that day at that unearthly hour. I returned to my room this time craving to meet my friends on the way back but alas everyone was fast asleep. Thus, began my foray into the corporate world and my journey with the ‘Biggest of the Big Four, Deloitte’.
Days, weeks and months flew by and the D-Day, 28th of June, 2010 arrived. To say that I was longingly looking forward for this day to dawn would be an understatement. The desire to join office, meet my buddy and actually get to experience the feeling of being part of Deloitte was literally killing me. E-mails and telephone calls from the HR department and the on-boarding team asking for details and pre-hire formalities to be completed only added to the frenzy of it all and by the time the bus gathered us, the new hires, from the guest house where excellent provisions for our stay had been made and ferried us to the Novotel Hotel I was so excited and light-headed that I was afraid that I would soon fall sick.
As soon as we alighted from the bus, we were ushered into the hotel lobby and courteously directed towards a section where we were handed brand new laptops and other computer peripherals. Gosh!!! Was I dreaming? No, I wasn’t. This was surreal but true. I wanted to start operating the laptop then and there just like a kid who becomes frisky when he/she has just been gifted a new toy but an announcement informed us that we need to assemble in the auditorium. I thought it would be a long, boring day which would require us to fill numerous forms and sit painstakingly through various presentations. None of my apprehensions came true. In fact, not only on that day but also during the course of the next four days of ‘Welcome to Deloitte’ (the induction program) we did nothing that can be classified as boring. We had interactive sessions with, believe it or not, the leaders in Deloitte and the Who’s Who of the world of taxation. We were addressed by Mr. Hari Kumar, Mr. Kevin Potter, Mr. Nathan, Mr. Eiran Wolfman and various other eminent people who not only told us about their professional journey but inspired us to take ownership of our careers at Deloitte and always take the initiative to innovate and take full advantage of the ‘Open Door Policy’ and freedom of choice and expression provided by Deloitte to its employees. Well! These sessions were enthralling and awe-inspiring and punctuated by numerous breaks and sumptuous lunch buffets. The four day long induction program ended on a fabulous note with the leaders gelling with the new hires and egging them on to perform to the best of their capabilities in the games – ya, you read it right, ‘GAMES’ – that were planned for us. The high-point of the day was a specially composed song for the new hires, the notes of which were rendered melodiously by Mr. David and his band members and which I am humming while penning down my thoughts in here.
Well! This was just the tip of the iceberg. The first day at office took my breath away even before it started. Deloitte Street is the name of the road on which our offices are situated. How many organizations can claim to have a road named after them in India? None comes to my mind. The four tall, gleaming, multi-storeyed, glass and concrete structures stood gallantly against the blue sky as if they were the sentries who had seen the Deloitte way in India and were testimony of the sanctity and stress that the firm lays on integrity and ethics. On entering the office we discovered the facilities that were nestled inside each of these buildings. It was mind boggling to find Barista, Café Coffee Day, Deli 9, a gymnasium, two ATMs, a huge multi cuisine cafeteria and a concierge department jostling against each other for space and attention. But the cherry on the cake was certainly the awesome people who always wore a smile and helped you at every turn which was something that I had never imagined after having being fed on stories about ruthlessly crazy career driven professionals by my already employed friends. A doubt crept into my mind then. Did people actually work here? All I could see was smiling faces and people having fun. Four months into the job, now I understand how Deloitte promotes the work-life balance.
The fourteen weeks of training that followed were brilliantly planned and executed by the learning team. Kudos to them. We were taught by professors flown down from the U.S. who endeared themselves to us over the course of three weeks so much that we didn’t want them to leave. Their farewell was marked with cake cutting, snaps being taken, gifts being exchanged and promises being made to each other to stay in touch through the medium of omnipresent social networking sites. Managers, seniors, professionals on rotation from different offices belonging to various countries, from diverse cultures and with varied periods and levels of experience taught us the nuances of U.S. taxation. The investment that the firm was making in its human resources was huge and apparent to all and sundry and we, the CSR batch, lapped up the knowledge being dished out to us. But, surely by now you must have guessed that it must not have been only learning during that period. You are correct. We were taken to Lahari Resorts and believe it or not the ‘Rain Dance’ turned out to be the event of the day with Kevin ‘the dude’ Potter being the cynosure of all eyes when he decided to shake a leg with all of us. Whew! This episode is clearly etched in my memory and will always remain special. The other incident which I will always cherish is when one of the leaders simply walked up to my friends and me in the cafeteria one day and asked us if he could join us for lunch. He chatted with us as if we were all long lost friends. This incident taught me that the firm with which I have decided to start my career has people who don’t just talk tall but who also practice what they preach.
That reminds me, the last four months has not only given me a lot of inspiration and self belief but it has also given me the most coveted relationship of humankind, ‘friendship’. I have met loads of people and have made numerous friends in office. Friends who take pains cajoling me out of my mood swings, who cheer and hoot wildly for me when I win an award for being an outstanding achiever during training, who get a cake to my doorstep in the middle of the night braving rains to celebrate my birthday, who make sure that my weekends are more hectic and exhausting than the weekdays and who have taken it upon themselves to link me up with every pretty female so that they can pull my leg. Thank you God and thank you all of you for being there.
I can go on and on about office and life and life in office and office cricket matches and team dinners and kick-off calls but I guess I would spare you the agony of reading all this until my next blog post. So, keep coming back!!!! I would love to end this special one with the following lines....

Now, I live my life and love work;
Office seems to have everything like the Noah's Ark.

-Tj

"Phantoms In My Mind"

2010-09-08T01:33:00.002+05:30

Am I afraid of the dark??? No. Am I afraid of challenges??? No. Am I afraid of speed??? No. Am I afraid of pain??? No. Am I afraid of you??? No. Am I afraid of me/myself??? Yes, I am. There are phantoms in my mind. What? Phantoms in my mind? Ya! There are phantoms in my mind. There are phantoms in my mind who are not afraid to prowl the terrains of my conscience by day or by night. They haunt me as if they have a right on me and my mind is their abode.
Phantoms. Phantoms. Everywhere!!!
Spirits of doubts. Ghouls of irritation. Ghosts of dismay. Mummies of distrust. Witches of betrayals and of course Phantoms of loneliness and despair.
Poking and prying in my brain. Trying to wriggle out answers to the multiple/endless questions that they have to pose. Slashing here. Scathing there. Prodding and clawing everywhere.
Their harried cries and ...
Leave me alone. Please leave me alone. I beg of you all. Please let me enjoy everything as they are : pure and untainted. Let me be normal once again and enjoy with my friends. Please don't trouble me and make me think so much. Please don't bother me and let me rest. Just for a while. Please let me have a deep, sound sleep. Please let me d..

P.S. This post was originally on Yahoo 360 before it closed down and hence has been shifted in here. It was written by me on the 4th of July, 2007

As Lonely as ME

2010-09-08T01:01:00.005+05:30

How lonely can a person be? Under what circumstances can he be lonely? Can a person be lonely only when he is isolated/deserted/all by himself/alone or is he lonely even when he is in a room full of people or in a crowded market place? Can loneliness' claws grasp/grip a person when he is in a new place surrounded by strangers or can it also encompass him when he is in a familiar place full of people called F.R.I.E.N.D.S.
I am not a great philosopher nor a great thinker nor am I penning down my thoughts to impress anyone nor aiming for the Booker Prize. But these questions have been cropping up in my mind for the past few days and have left me thinking like a mad man. Day in and day out I have been thinking. Thinking. Thinking... The best way that I could stop this was by putting it down on paper. So here I am writing away when the world is sleeping away to glory.
Ya! The topic was LONELINESS. Well! This is a feeling which is worse than most other feelings coz many a times you don't/can't even understand why you are experiencing this feeling. I dont know about others but with me it is true. Most of the times I start feeling lonely all of a sudden and don't even know the cause of my predicament. I start searching for answers but the more I think the deeper I sink into the quicksand called loneliness.
But, the more you think and the deeper you sink, the results/answers become more and more startling. First, you don't believe these answers. You want to reassure yourself by telling that all this is false/trash but you try in vain. Then you start believing in their authenticity but slowly you realise that not only are these true but are facts of life.
YES. Loneliness is a part of life. It is omnipresent and always there surrounding you, waiting/lurking to pounce on you. You just have to allow your thoughts to drift a bit and lo! you realise how very lonely you are in this vast expanse of flora and fauna. It is only for you to realise all this and you will understand that this feeling is always surrounding you...

P.S. This post was originally written by me on 2nd September, 2006. I had to move it in here as Yahoo 360 closed shop.

This one's for God's finest gift to us : Our Moms'

2010-09-08T00:30:00.005+05:30

"Mother", this six lettered word is undoubtedly the most comforting and according to me the most 'love-giving' word in the English language. It is so b'coz the very mention of this word fills our heart with joy, doesn't it? Well for me and I have no doubts for all of you this word is the most precious word in your vocabulary. In fact my calling it a word is an insult. It isn't merely a word. It is in fact a source of unending love, undying faith, unrealistic support, unimaginable inspiration, unselfish encouragement and so much more. The words starting with un' will run out but a mother's love for her child, her faith in her child, her support for him/her will never ever end.
I am writing all this on the occassion of my mom's birthday (11th of October) as a tribute not only to my mom but to all mom's. Thank you, all of you, for being there for us when we don't have anyone else to fall back on, when we don't know what to do next, when we think we are lost, when we have lost all hope to redeem a situation and then when you emerge as a pillar of strength, like a light which not only supports us, guides us, encourages us but also teaches us how to deal with the challenges which have been strewn by the Almighty himself in our journey of Life.
You do all this so very unselfishly, never wanting anything in return. I just wonder how you all are so very good. I just wish we could also inculcate this noble trait from you. If we can, then more than half of man's troubles will be over and the Earth will be transformed into Heaven. But let's talk about Utopia later on and not deviate from the topic that is u mom(s').
I can never ever repay you for what you have been doing for me over the years (not that you expect anything). Even though I don't ever bother to thank you mom for whatever you do for me. I know you don't expect it from me but let me take this oppurtunity to thank you for everything that you have done for me.
I will always be grateful to you and am sorry for whatever wrong I might have done. I love you a lot and will continue doing so and will always return to you at the slightest hint of trouble. I love you mom.
Happy Birthday, Maa. Take Care, bestest friend.

P.S. This post was originally written by me on 11th Oct., 2005 which happens to be the birthday of the bestest mom on this whole wide world. I had to move it in here as Yahoo 360 closed down which was where I had started blogging.

Bye bye 2009!!!

2010-01-26T21:31:00.000+05:30

“Bye bye 2009. Thank u fr being gud to me. U brought me sorrows n happinezz but I guess d moments of bliss completely overweighed the grey days. U got me frnds n non-frnds (ppl nwadays dnt wanna make enemies) ;) but the frnds helped me to tide ova dose bad days n frget n frgive the non-frnds who came along. M sad dat ur leavin but m happy dat u r egging me on to embrace a new beginnin', encouragin' me to challenge higher limits, givin' me the strength to strive harder to make paradigm changes (hopefully) n tellin' me dat not yet securin' a job is aftr all not the end of Terra Firma. Here's a toast to u dear 2009. Hic! Hic! Hurr....(drop to the floor). M so happy high.”

-Tj

The Beautiful Face

2010-01-16T06:28:00.006+05:30

The Beautiful Face

16/01/2010

04:05a.m.

About 10 minutes back, I was about to call it an early night (by my standards), was inside the sheets, had switched off the lights and was about to say my prayers. Just before that I decided to set the alarm & check my messages. After all, today is gonna be the D-Day. Farewell MBA and IBS!!! Scrolling through the inbox my eyes opened wide when I saw a name which seemed so very out of place. Who was it? The letters spelt out the name as ‘CRYSTAL’. My mind tried to associate the name with a face, a place, something familiar but my heart knew it immediately who it was.

It was the name of a person whom nearly a year back I knew nothing about & presently too I dunno much about. It was the name of a person who had gone out of her way to show to show that humanity will always bond people together irrespective of their colour, creed, religion or the soccer club that they root for.

I remember the morning of 12^th January, 2009 clearly. Waking up in the room allotted to me in the Boys Hostel of TAPMI, Manipal & getting ready to drop off Pooja to the Mangalore airport. We left the campus around 12 noon with me clutching on to a sketch, hand-drawn by Snoopy, to help me get back here after seeing off Pooja. Pooja and I chatted along inside the cab for the greater part of the 2 hour drive to the airport & then had lunch at the deli adjoining the airport. Her flight took off as scheduled at 03:15p.m. & by 3p.m. I was pretty much on my own as the security personnel did not allow me in.

It was a hot afternoon even though it was January. The afternoon sun seemed to blaze in all its glory & seemed to mock the wisps of clouds that were to be seen in the otherwise bald sky. I took out the sketch with sweaty fingers & considered my options while slowly walking towards the auto stand, careful, not to look uncertain. There were 4 options of which I immediately ruled out the 1^st which was to take a cab back to the campus. Why? You would ask. Go ahead, ask. First, I have always loved adventure & 2^nd it would have set me back by Rs.800. I took an auto to Bachpe instead (this was the 2^nd alternative & the beginning of something which would indeed be remarkable). Chatting casually, I asked the auto driver about the bus that would take me to Mangalore from Bachpe. He coolly replied that the frequency of that bus was not as much as I would have thought & that for Rs.300 he would drop me to Mangalore. I insisted on getting off at Bachpe. He dropped me at the bus stop, took his due and left me standing there with other locals. I waited patiently wishing that the bus arrived quickly but it seems the driver’s words were gonna be true after all. One, two, …., four, five, red, blue, multi-coloured, plastered with posters, no.2, no.108, no.8, buses bearing all types of different identification marks came & went but the ones to Mangalore seemed to have had conspired against me.

The afternoon sun was beating down on me & I was slowly cursing myself to have got myself into this situation. Time & again I asked different people about the bus but everyone seemed clueless. It was not that they weren’t trying to help me, but when they used to speak to me all I could do was either gawk at them or nod my head stupidly as I could not understand a single syllable of what they spoke.

Restlessness was creeping into my system & time and again I found myself pacing all around the bus stand, looking at road signs, peering into the sketched map & trying to look unaffected. Must have been a sight to behold!!!!

At around 4:45p.m., a bus came & I spoke to the driver. He told me that this bus was going part of the way & I could hop in if I wanted. I was not sure but still I boarded the shaky, battered steel monster which had so many other people in its belly. Farmers, village folk, school children, old men, sneezing kids, ladies, bawling toddlers & yes the most irritating character in all buses, the conductor.

When he came & asked me where I wanted to go it hit me that I didn’t know the place for which I needed to take a ticket. I wanted to ask the driver but it was too crowded to reach him. Somehow, I explained it to the conductor & he gave me a ticket worth Rs.8 & a cold stare which seemed to question the sanity, morality & the values of the urban Indian youth in the very same manner as most Indian prime time soaps (inspired by the ‘famous’ K-series saga) do. I clutched on to the ticket as if it was a life line. Oh! By the way, the place where I was supposed to alight was called Mulky. On the way, some people got down & I stood near the driver, peering out through the windshield. I must admit that I have always have had bizarre experiences but had never felt as helpless & clueless as I was feeling at that point of time.

It was at this moment that someone tapped me on my back. I turned around & saw a bespectacled lady looking up at me from her seat. I quickly checked if I was standing on her toes or her cream coloured saree. Negative! I looked up at her face & saw that she must be around 50 years old. You never know with ladies & of course you should never ask them. Anyways, she spoke first & asked me where I wanted to go? God! Was I taken aback? She was the 1^st human being in almost 2 hours who had spoken something which did not sound gibberish to me. It was English. I replied to her query. She asked everything & I told her everything. I had decided by now that had no more reason to try & act cool. Crystal, as she introduced herself to me informed me something that made things even more interesting. She told me that there had been a murder of some local politician the night before & all buses were taking a diverted route through the jungle & that if roadblocks were removed & the mob relented only then could we reach Mulky. Moreover, the route taken was a one way so I was virtually trapped into a point of no return.

This piece of news hit me like lightning & whatever little courage I had mustered just vanished into thin air, leaving me quaking in my boots. Crystal asked me to sit down next to her when the person beside her got off & started talking to me. She told me that she taught kids in a primary school & that she was on her way back home. Though this was not her daily route, she had come this way as she needed to visit the church along with some of her friends because of some reason which I can no longer remember. When she spoke her eyes danced. There was a twinkling in them. She was so very calm & composed that I was afraid that my palpable tensions would upset her. Her voice was soothing & as affectionate as a mother’s when she is trying to mollify her baby. Her face glowed as if it had an aura about it. The more time passed & the more I interacted with her, the courage that had deserted me slowly seemed to creep back, the blood in my body seemed to be flowing again & the hair on my neck & forearms which were standing at their ends settled down into peaceful slumber. I clung on to her words & opened up to this unknown lady, in the middle of nowhere, much against the teachings (read : threats & warnings) that are imparted to an Indian kid with a middle class upbringing, imploring him not to talk or have anything to do with strangers.

Around 30 minutes or what seemed like so later, Crystal called up someone. After making the call she told me that she had called up her nephew & that he would drop me off to Mangalore or even up to Manipal on his bike if I could not reach Mulky or get any other form of transport. She gave me her cell phone number as well as took mine so that even after she alighted from the bus at the next stop she could know how I was doing. Before getting off the bus, she explained to the conductor where I needed to get off & shook my hands & wished me luck. I waved at her from the window & saw her crossing the street & enter the church. I never knew when I would see her again or whether I would get to hear her again as I had started rejoicing by now as it was clear that the bus would drop me off to Mulky. This information had been given to me by Crystal when she spoke to the conductor before alighting from the bus. Soon, I reached Mulky & then took an express coach to Manipal & in the next one hour or so I was in familiar terrain. During this time Crystal had called me twice as soon as she had finished praying & again later.

I never spoke to her again until June 2009. No one knows about her except for Snoopy. When I called her up in June she was delighted & after disconnecting the line I found my heart aglow with a kind of lightness & joy which I have never yet experienced. It was very different from the happiness which you get when your parents hug you after you return home from college for the semester break, when your siblings embrace you when you don’t tell on them & keep their lil’ secrets & crushes a secret, when your team mates pick you up on their shoulders when you score a goal in extra time or hit a sixer off the last ball of the match to win it or when you pick up an improbable looking volleyball drop or smash, when you share your first kiss, when you have a heart to heart chat with your best friend, when you buy a n old man food or when you go on a long drive with your beloved & know that she loves you for being what you are & will forever do so unconditionally. The joy & peace I experienced was something totally different. Something inexplicable. Something so pure & holy that I associate it with God himself. Yes! I believe Crystal is a fairy. She touched me & blessed me. Her gauzy wings & halo I could not see but the light that emanated from her took away my fears that day. I believe you are my fairy GODMOTHER. And I am glad I got out of bed & penned this down today (tonight).

P.S. I am sorry that it took so so long for me to do this. I dunno whether you’ll ever read this or we’ll ever meet again but I mean every word I have written above and I’ll always remember you, I promise. May God always treat you well & bless your life.

16/01/2010

06:03a.m.