Humane Resource

Certainly Terrified

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 05:15:00 +0000

This week I paid my deposit for Kokoda, and I have to say I have never before been so simultaneously excited and terrified about something. I am terrified about it for a number of reasons, firstly my opinions and thoughts around this trek have been shaped by things I've heard and seen. I've read about how mentally and physically exhausting it will be and heard about people who have been injured or who've died while doing it.

It is also a completely new experience for me, I've been pretty sedentary for at least the last 5 years and my only experience with climbing was Cradle Mountain in Tasmania more than 10 years ago (I beat my Dad to the top even if he won't admit it). The temperature, intensity and terrain will be difficult to prepare for and I'll be heading to 99% humidity from a Melbourne winter.

There are a lot of reasons to be scared and apprehensive. I expect that this will fade once I get there and I'm able to acclimatise, I'll be getting the information I need so that I am not anxious about it. The more I know and can understand about something the more comfortable I am with it. I can be pretty difficult to deal with if I don't have the answers or I don't know what is going on.

While I'm pretty scared I'm also very excited, there is the physical side of the challenge, it's a great reason to start doing some serious exercise and to get a lot more fit. But more than anything I think that this will be a mental challenge. I found when I returned to running that it was my head holding me back most of the time because I was physically able to run but making excuses for myself.

Once I'm on the trail there aren't any options, the only way out is to keep walking and on the days where I don't feel like it any more, when I'm exhausted, hot and tired I will have to keep going and get my head into a better place. Even if I can't change my head space, I will just have to suck it up and keep walking. Sarah said to me a few weeks ago, 'You don't have to be happy, you can be miserable, but keep thinking positive things anyway'. This is my challenge. When unhappy, when exhausted, keep going and get to the end.

Even though I'm worried, even though I don't quite know what to expect or even how I will respond to what is ahead I'm excited. Because in all of this uncertainty is opportunity, something new and an experience I won't ever forget.

When I Grow Up.

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 13:58:00 +0000

When I was in Prep I wanted to get married to my next door neighbour who I was besotted with and have a farm with a huge barn, a few years after that I decided I wanted to be an Agricultural Scientist so I could share in the work that my Dad does saving the planet from environmental bandits. In High School I wanted to be a Psychologist until I realised I wasn't good enough at the subjects I needed, then it was a Writer and then an Artist.

Once I got to University and started my Visual Arts degree I found that the practical side of art sucked all the joy I had for it and took something I loved and made it too complicated, too analytical and no longer pure. Then after working in some horrid office jobs I decided on HR and after about 4 years on that path I'm now in Social Media.

A couple of weeks ago I was asked, 'where do you want to be in five years?' and the truth is, I have no idea. I could barely tell you where I want to be by the end of this year. I used to think that when I became an adult, when I was a 'grown up' all these things would make sense, like there is this magic point when you turn 18 and you get all the answers.

Well now I'm 26 and I'm no closer to getting any of the answers, and I'm no closer to working out what I want to be when I grow up, or even who I want to be when I grow up.

Sometimes I look around me at all the other grown ups and wonder if I'm the only one that has no idea what they're doing. Because we all manage to look so secure, so sure of who we are and where we're going. We don't often admit that we have no idea.

The work I'm doing now barely existed five years ago and the work I'm doing in another five years may not exist yet either. I don't have all the answers (I've barely got any), though I'm not short of questions.

I admit, I have no idea what I'm doing and I may not ever know. At least that's something I know?

I am...

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 07:01:00 +0000

Last month I wrote about women not thinking they are enough and put out the challenge to tell yourself, 'I am enough, I am important', and of course this extends to men as well. Since I wrote that post I've been practising saying that to myself, and as silly as it sounds I've written it on my bathroom mirror so I see it every day. When I start to get used to it I rub it off and rewrite it to try and cement it a little further.

It has started to sink in, what was initially a whimper became indignant whenever someone hurt me, 'I deserve more! I am important', and now is almost a statement. The sky is blue and I am important.

But it's a little too general for me, I like details and I like to get specific, so now I have started to think about other things that I am, generally positives but there are other traits too. This isn't about ignoring things but about accepting and acknowledging what's there, no blame, no attachment to it; just a statement. So that can be I am sarcastic, or I am nurturing or I am silly (I definitely covered that one off by climbing into a fireplace).

I've been pondering my list of things 'I am', yesterday in a conversation I came up with ten (I was sticking to positives in this instance) and I added a few more overnight. I then began to think about specific people in my life what are ten things that they are, a large amount of the people that I love and care for are steadfast, loyal, playful, empathetic and compassionate. These qualities came up over and over again when I considered the people I am most often surrounded by, which is an amazing thing. What incredible qualities to have around and to be influenced by.

When I was making my list I was speaking with a friend and he said, 'I wouldn't be able to come up with that many for myself', so I told him what he was to me and I easily came up with ten (and could have kept going). It is a fault that we can see the qualities of others, but may not see our own.

If you're like my friend and can't come up with a list for yourself, start by looking at the people in your life, what are the qualities that embody them and then make a list. Once you can do it for other people it will become easier to look at yourself and see your own.

In school we were asked to complete this exercise for our classmates and write a sentence for each person in the room. To see how other people saw us was enlightening and I still have my slips of paper from that day.

The people in your life will be able to see you, even if you can't.

Wondering, What if?

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 10:15:00 +0000

I can't believe I'm going to be this much of a cliché on Valentine's Day but here goes. We're often warned that the grass isn't greener, to be cautious because we might leave something to find out what we've left it for isn't worth it. But if we don't find out won't we always be left wondering - what if?

I've been speaking a lot with a friend recently who has been applying for jobs and going through the thought processes that many of us go through when we're in this situation. We begin to wonder if it's worth it, we get the work equivalent of beer goggles and suddenly the things that annoyed us or that we knew to be true a few weeks ago don't look so bad and we try to come up with reasons why we should stay. I know it has happened to me whenever I have been looking to leave a role, even when I've been extremely unsatisfied I've thought that staying could work out. But the reality is we know when something isn't right, when it doesn't fit and when it's time to move on. Often it will take us a bit of time before we'll realise it (or admit it).

Unfortunately, sometimes we do move on and we find out that the grass isn't greener but in doing so we've taken a step closer to where we needed to be. If it wasn't for the last bad move I made then I wouldn't have started writing my blog and I wouldn't now be at Deloitte. There was a series of things that needed to happen for me to end up where I did, even though they were difficult at the time.

Tennyson wrote, tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. If we didn't take risks and didn't step out of our comfort zone we wouldn't have any entrepreneurs, no break through innovations and nothing to strive for. We go from comfort to possibilities, to the anticipation of a new challenge and the excitement of new opportunities.

And we won't be left wondering; what if?

Kokoda Trek

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 11:19:00 +0000

First session at 1,000 steps

I wrote at the start of this year that I'm planning to trek Kokoda with my best friend Sarah. We've actually been friends since Kindergarten, and went all the way through primary and high school together. Our friendship has spanned more than 20 years and we've been through a life time of experiences already.

We've started our training and having someone to be accountable has been helping to keep us motivated. The next four months will be a lot more training, camping and preparation for what is going to be an incredible experience.

Each of us is also going to be raising money for causes which are important to us as well. Sarah is raising money for SIDS and I'll be fundraising for the Alfred Hospital.

While I was researching the history of the trail I came across this promotion where the prize package includes the Kokoda Trek for two people, so if you'd like to help me out I'd really appreciate your vote.

The goal or person rather with the most votes will win (and the voter also has a chance to win some stuff too).

Vote for my goal to Trek Kokoda with my best friend Sarah

If we win the trip, I'll be donating $2,000 to the Alfred Hospital - so please help us out!

Also, this link doesn't seem to work on anything that doesn't allow flash so my apologies to mobile device users.

What is Seen, Cannot be Unseen

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 10:11:00 +0000

There are things we don't realise about ourselves, things that are hidden, sometimes the people in our lives can see them, but at other times they are so well hidden that no one can see them. We have expectations for ourselves and the way we'd like to behave and also for how we'd like others to treat us. Unfortunately though what people aspire to and how they actually behave in practice is not always consistent.

When this happens, when there is a disparity between expectations and behaviour it is often sad and disappointing. Even more so when it is someone we have trusted, when we learn that someone we love has lied to us it hurts. And it is supposed to.

We are angry, we feel betrayed, cheated or rejected because we feel that we deserve more. If we didn't feel this way it would mean we think we deserve to be treated so poorly. The voice in our head is indignant, 'how could you do this to me!'

Emotions are normal, we are supposed to feel them, when we are hurt we are supposed to grieve, when something good happens we should be able to experience joy. There are times when we may lose this ability, we become numb or separated from ourselves and can't remember how to feel. This is probably the saddest thing of all. There are times in life where we will be hurt, where our heart will be broken and the people in our lives will disappoint us but this isn't all there is.

On the other side of this is joy, happiness and satisfaction. We can feel these things even in the midst of grief or sadness and the ability to do so means that we are truly in touch with ourselves and who we are.

If we can be honest with ourselves, can deal with the emotions we feel as we feel them then we can become the best version of ourselves.

This year I will strive to be the best version of myself even on my worst days.

The Last Goodbye

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 10:15:00 +0000

I think some people are incapable of happiness. You can probably think of the ones in your life that stand out, they're in a job they've hated for years or in a dysfunctional relationship.

And you wonder why they're still there because it's obvious they aren't getting any joy or happiness from it. Often we get so used to something that it's comforting even if it's hollow because it has always been there. We get stuck in a habit and to change that would be confronting, we would have to deal with something new so we stick with what we know.

Habit, is a horrible thing, it's a nasty word, it's defined as; an acquired behaviour pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary. It's doing something because we have been conditioned to do it. Because we're used to it. We eventually become so comfortable in our habits that we forget there is an alternative.

Some people hold onto habits, onto bad jobs or bad relationships because they can't fathom what it would be like not to have that there. What would fill the space?

Others get manipulated into staying in bad habits because they believe that if they're not there things will fall apart. Well, in a job no one is indispensable and in a relationship if someone only comes along when they have a drama or know that you might be moving on then you're being fooled.

Last week I had to let go of a habit. I had to say good bye to someone that I love very much. And I had been clinging onto that, I'd refused to let go, and then I realised how much it was tearing me up. I let go and this anxiety that has been swallowing me for nearly 15 months dissipated. I realised that what I was living with didn't need to be there, not in its current manifestation.

Perhaps one day it will change, but I know that if it doesn't I have chosen now to go forward, to make new connections, break a habit & live without relying on a person that couldn't do the same.

Everything Is Finite

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 08:07:00 +0000

A farmer said to my Dad who was removing weeds from a property, 'Why do you do this? Ten million years ago this was a volcano in a million years time who knows what it will be. What's the point?' my Dad replied, 'Everything is finite, and our lives will end eventually, but I love what I do, and I'm happy doing it now and I know that what I do today is making a difference in this moment.'

Which made me think of a quote (sorry I don't know who said it), which is, 'If you worry about what might be and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is'. I have been trying to be more mindful recently because there is no 'one day', I won't wake up one day and be happy or fulfilled or satisfied if I'm not living the way I want to be now, which means being honest with myself, not hiding and having courage.

If we are scared it means we are trying, it means we are working, it means we are living. I have a lot of anxiety and fear, and I worry a lot, sometimes that fear is paralysing. But I keep moving, I move through the fear and by doing that I realise that what I'm scared of often won't even happen and if it does I can survive it.

Anyone who knows my story, and knows the chances I took to get my job at Deloitte will know that even when I'm faced with fear and the unknown I will keep going (even if there are a couple of speed bumps). Sometimes that means I make mistakes or I fail, sometimes that means I get hurt or disappointed. But I would rather fail because I've tried, I would rather be hurt because I've put myself out there and taken a chance.

When I come to the end of my life and I'm looking back I will know that I have lived with courage and that I have been honest and lived each moment being the best version of myself I can be.

And so to finish, here's my Dad's favourite quote by David Henry Thoreau, 'Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.'

So be scared, jump even if you don't have a parachute, sing your song and be in the moment.

There is no one day. Only now.

Love, Loss & the Changing of the Seasons

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 23:51:00 +0000

I've already written that this year is going to involve a lot of change, which has led me to thinking about times in my life that have been similar and how I've dealt with the situations I've faced.

About 14 months ago my relationship of 3 and a half years ended and it was horrible. We'd lived together for the majority of our relationship and our entire lives were intertwined, our social lives, our friends, our families and our home. We were both unhappy, yet we were both scared, if we stopped being together there would be a massive hole where the other one had been. That fear of change meant we stayed together for longer than we should have, it took a lot of courage for both of us to be able to admit it wasn't working and that we needed to let each other go and move on.

We each dealt with this change differently and went through our own grieving process. It was like being weaned off an addiction, the person that I'd gone to for everything was gone. Who should I tell my good news to, or go to when I've had a bad day? Occasionally there was a relapse, but eventually we were both strong enough to be able to deal with moving forward and not being so present in each other's lives.

Even though it was a necessary change it was still one of the more difficult things I've had to deal with, I thought I was going to always be in his life and my plans for the future were now completely changed. I held on to a memory of happiness and deluded myself that it could work when I knew it was already lost.

Change is not always going to be easy, necessary change is going to hurt and often being able to get to a place where you're a better version of yourself requires going through some bad and icky times.

But letting go and finding yourself in that place is so much more rewarding. I learnt many things from that relationship and I know he did to, we have both been able to become better people because of it and we can appreciate each other for that.

That's not something I thought I would ever be able to get to, to be at peace with my past and to want him to be happy - so that in itself is something that I learnt.

Now we don't talk so much, and it's ok because we don't need to. Our own lives are just that, ours and not each other's.

I know that if I can deal with a change like that then the changes for this year will be miniscule and I can live, learn, let go and grow.

Enough Already

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 05:12:00 +0000

I've had enough of intelligent, capable, talented women bleating that they are not enough. I watch some of the conversations happening online (and offline) sometimes and think 'why are you putting yourself down?' and then I catch myself doing it because we seem to be conditioned to think it's normal.

The endless rhetoric of 'oh I've put on so much weight / I'm not good at.... / I'm not pretty / I'm not very fit / I'm not very talented / I'm a bad mother/wife/daughter/employee'. We seem to be trying to one up each other on how bad at something we are. Are you serious? It is ridiculous.

It is ok to be good at something, it's very ok to be happy with who you are and how you look and you shouldn't have to tell people otherwise. You shouldn't have to think that you have to tell anyone otherwise. And if you can't even say it to yourself how can you expect anyone else to say it to you?

I want you to try something, say this to yourself (or out loud), 'I am good enough. I am important'. Now, how does that make you feel? Do you get a good feeling from that, or does it make you cringe? If you're cringing like I did when I first said that to myself I hope you realise that's not a good thing. If you feel good, if you believe it, hallelujah!

Because you should feel good, you are important and you are enough.

Stop telling yourself (and everyone else) that you're not.

All Things Change

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 04:48:00 +0000

It has been a month since my last post and a whole lot has happened in between. 2011 was not my best year, there were a few highlights but most of the year was murky at best.

Already, in 2012 I have moved house to a nice new suburb and will next week have a house mate for the first time in a year. With a couple of extra subjects this year I will complete my Masters in HR and OD, and I'm looking forward to finally getting that piece of paper. I might then take a proper break from study, but we'll see if that eventuates.

Professionally, I will be moving more permanently into a social media position at Deloitte as well as being involved in a couple of smaller projects within Deloitte Digital which will be very exciting.

I found a quote today from Heraclitus which I think is beautifully apt, "You cannot step into the same river twice, for fresh waters are ever flowing in upon you." It is always easier to stick with what you know, but the reality is that change will happen regardless and being able to move with it is a lot easier.

I want this to be a year of change, where I deal with some of my pesky habits specifically the ones around being too focused on work, study or romantic relationships. I need to have goals which are for me and are outside of other influences.

So, one of my main goals for the year will revolve around training for and completing the Kokoda track. The aim will be to do this in July, before my second lot of exams for the year and will involve a lot of training and dedication. It will also require me to stick to a rather tight budget for the next 6 months which will be a feat in itself. If you're inclined you can help me to get there, or I will soon be putting together something for donations to go to the Alfred Hospital if that's more your jam.

It will be another busy year, but full of excitement and new challenges. There will probably be quite a few posts along the way around what I've learnt from my training and of course when I finish my trek.

Here's to 2012!

But what about the risk?

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 06:20:00 +0000

Today I was part of a panel at #ATCSM discussing the candidate experience when using social media for recruitment. I talked about my story and was asked a question around searching for a role when employed, wasn't I worried that my company would find out and I would be fired?

When I first started my search this was the thing I was getting told over and over again, 'there's too much risk, they'll find out, you'll be out the door'. Well, to be honest, I don't think my last employer would even know now more than a year on how I was able to secure my role. There wasn't much of a risk for me as I was taking my search to a medium that wasn't used by my employer at the time.

If I had been fired, it probably would have made a good blog post and would have provided me with another direction to take my writing in, but more important than that, is that I was unhappy and if I took no action then I'd still be unhappy. At the time losing my job wouldn't have been the worst outcome.

As far as I'm concerned doing nothing would have been worse as I'd still be stuck in a role I didn't want to be in. We often don't make a decision or a choice because of the consequences, but don't consider that doing nothing is still a decision.

If we do the same things we've always done, we'll get the same things we always get. Yes, some people will use the concept of 'risk' as a reason not to do something, not to step out and to protect themselves from disappointment but that would lead to a pretty mediocre existence in my opinion.

I've said many times I wouldn't do things any differently, that's not just because I was ultimately successful but because I proved to myself and to other people that taking a risk won't actually end up in the world falling down around you.

The same argument is often used for not using social media, 'but what if someone says something bad, what if I write the wrong thing or I make a mistake'. There is such a culture of fear around stepping outside of our default behaviour that we can lose sight of the opportunities and only see the risks.

But really, what's the worst that can happen?

The Challenge for External Recruiters

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 22:13:00 +0000

I'm being interviewed at Follow Us this week, which is part of the Australasian Talent Conference (ATC), the session is around recruitment and how it is evolving with the use of social media. I read an article yesterday which got me to thinking about the challenges external recruiters will face in the future and it's not just about social media.

Recruitment more than ever before is becoming about networks, and utilising the reach of existing employees, social media allows for this effect to be amplified and reach a larger group of people. When you consider an organisation which has 5,000 people, who might have an average of 200 online connections each, the reach of your internal network is staggering (that's 1,000,000 people by the way). If people enjoy what they're doing they'll refer friends and contacts regardless and if you add an incentive (such as a referral bonus) they'll be even more likely to do so.

We are no longer in a market where a company will contact a recruitment agency first, and if they are to survive agencies are going to have to adapt. Greg Savage the CEO of Firebrand recently spoke about this and said, "There was, in the glory years, a period where a company's default action was to go to a recruiter, and I don't think that's the case anymore. Their default action now is to build in-house recruiting teams or technology or go to job boards, so we've got to offer something different".

The challenge for recruiters is going to be how to stay relevant, this will involve creating close relationships with candidates and gaining an in depth knowledge of client needs so that when a role arises they understand what type of person a client is looking for. When I worked within the HR team recruiting for specialist nursing positions I would receive calls from agencies presenting candidates that were not qualified and it was clear that the caller did not understand the roles I was recruiting for. This wasted my time (and theirs) and did not encourage me to contact them when I needed assistance with recruitment in the future.

It's not just about resumes, there must be a compelling argument to use an agency, 'external recruitment companies have to offer insights, specialisation and access to hard-to-find talent'. Where an agency takes the time to get to know their client and can offer this specialist service they will be able to maintain these relationships and continue to be relevant.

A further challenge is that candidates are also changing how they approach roles and where they see that going through an agency is not going to be successful they are going directly to the source. This is really where social media becomes invaluable, LinkedIn is the bare minimum; but with Facebook pages for organisations and many people in decision making positions on twitter there is more access than ever before to the companies you want to work at.

The candidate experience is powerful and this is what I will be talking about this week at #ATCSM. You can follow the twitter stream for updates throughout the afternoon and to find out how candidates are turning the recruitment process on its head.

Why Self Selection is Important

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 07:09:00 +0000

I'm half way through my Masters of HR and OD, and a couple of weeks into trimester 3 this year I realised that it wasn't the right time for me to be undertaking my chosen subject. The subject was 'Leading and Managing People' and was mostly about self-reflection and determining what my leadership plan is for the next three years.

It is a subject and topic I would usually be very passionate about, because well - it's all about me. But I just wasn't in the right frame of mind for it, and thirteen weeks of it turned out to be a real drain. I'm not sure if I learnt anything from the subject but I did learn something else important. I learnt how important self-selection is.

I had the opportunity to defer from the subject and either choose another one or just have a break from study for a little while, but instead I kept going with something I wasn't interested in.

That was a mistake.

I slacked off, I didn't spend the time I should have on my assignments or contribute properly to the online forum. I did the bare minimum, and yeah I still got decent marks, but I didn't enjoy it and certainly didn't get what I should have out of the subject.

Continuing my studies is something I choose to do, it's not mandatory for my job and is completely driven by self-selection which is generally a good thing (except for this subject). When we self select something, whether it's a task or study or a project we're usually going to get better results, we'll put in more discretionary effort and we'll get more satisfaction from it because it's something we have chosen to be accountable for. When we're forced to do something or placed in a role because other people believe it's what we're good at or interested in we'll often see the opposite results and the outcomes won't be as positive.

In my work life I have self-selected the work I do in social media, whether it's twitter or our blog, I do these things not because they are part of my job but because I enjoy them, I get satisfaction from them and they feel natural to me. If blogging was made to be part of someone's role but they weren't interested in it, I can guarantee you it would fail.

So back to study, what did I learn this trimester? Sometimes, it's best to choose to opt out and wait until the timing is right. Forcing myself to do something because I think I should and it's the right thing to do isn't actually rewarding or satisfying.

Study is enough of a chore as it is why make it harder on myself?

The Other C Word

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 08:21:00 +0000

I've been trying to get real with myself lately, which involves getting past all of the 'stuff' I tell myself, or distract myself with and actually getting down to how I feel, why I feel that way and what I'm actually about. It has not been fun, it's about as pleasant as punching myself repeatedly in the face. But it's necessary, how can I expect my life to change if I continue to do the same things I've always done.

What I've found isn't nice, it's not too great to realise that you've been behaving in ways contrary to your terminal values. It's even worse to realise on reflection that I would, if given the opportunity change many of the choices I have recently made. The reason many of these choices have been flawed is because they have been compromises.

We talk all of the time about having to compromise so that 'everyone will be happy' but in reality a compromise is a lose/lose situation. You only have to look at the definition of compromise to see this; a settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.

In essence when we are compromising we're taking disparate needs or views and mashing them together, hoping that they will work; each party must give something up in order to reach an agreement. The result of this is that no one's needs will be met, whether it is in a personal relationship or for a business project it's likely that the outcome will mediocre at best.

Often I'm compromising because I think that it's better to have something than nothing. But when I'm really honest with myself I know that it would be far better not to compromise and to wait until I can get what I actually need without everybody losing.

So while it's not nice to get real, it is necessary and I'm not going to compromise on that.

Stand In Your Own Power

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 07:28:00 +0000

I recently attended a pamper session at the Yoga centre my sister attends, it was a lovely morning filled with massages, facials, making mandalas, and after lunch we were told we would be in an 'interactive session'.

We grabbed our chairs and sat down, totally zen and blissing out from our morning of pampering and the facilitator opened with, 'how often do you apologise for things?' Sorry, what was that? Oh there I go again. At the time I didn't think that much about it, because I say sorry to be polite or because I'm sincerely sorry for something.

But a few days down the track and I've really started to notice how much I'm saying sorry, I apologise if I haven't replied to an email for 24 hours, I apologise when trying to get out of the tram and someone won't move out of the way, I apologise for things which either aren't in my control or have nothing to do with me, I apologise for saying something that I believe because it might have hurt someone else's feelings. I apologise for apologising. I'm sorry I've written apologise more than half a dozen times in this post already.

I'm almost apologising for my existence sometimes. That's not to say that apologising when you are actually sorry about something is bad (and to be sincere and vulnerable and apologise is a great thing), but what I'm talking about here is just being sorry because it's habit or conditioning. Now, there is the 'gender issue' here, because women and men are raised differently, and the behaviours that are accepted or corrected in each gender as we're growing up and ongoing do vary.

As a woman, if we are steadfast we're seen as a 'ball breaker' or a 'man eater', to ask for what you want and not apologise for it can be confronting. I was recently told by someone that when they first met me they thought that I was, 'an arrogant bitch' and here is the kicker: the person that told me that was a woman. If you're a woman I want you to think about when you've been criticised for something and then think about who it is coming from. I'm ashamed that you'll probably realise like me that more often than not it is from other women. I'm the first to say that I'm guilty of this, and I think we've all been on both sides of it.

Why do we behave like this? One theory was that back in our cave dwelling days we needed to compete for the best caveman to look after us and protect us and that behaviour continues on (even if we don't have to fight for the best caveman anymore).

Regardless of why we do it, the question remains, how can we ever expect to be empowered or able to (and I hate this turn of phrase), 'break through the glass ceiling' if all we're ever doing is stabbing each other in the back?

We should feel that we can be confident to ask for what we want and need, that we can have satisfaction in life across all areas and that we'll have each other's back when we do this. Each of us, male or female should be able to be our true selves and to stand in our power and not be belittled because of it.

I am sorry that I have been one of these backstabbing women, but that's it for apologising.

Next time you're about to apologise, take a breath and ask yourself, 'what am I saying sorry for?' Are you representing who you really are by apologising and standing in your own power or are you apologising for your existence?

Stop.

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 01:27:00 +0000

My usual morning routine involves pressing snooze half a dozen times and then dragging myself out of bed, while getting ready I'm usually checking my email, having a look at my calendar and working out what I'm going to have to get done during the day. This morning as I was finishing getting ready I grabbed my usual hair product that I've been using for about the last four years and stopped and thought to myself, 'wow, this smells really nice'.

It struck me at the time that I've been using a product for so long, every single day, but never once realised what it smelt like because my head is usually somewhere else. I'm usually so wrapped up in what I'm going to be doing, or what I think is going to happen that I don't stop to be present in the moment.

There has been a lot of change in my life in the last year, (well change is a constant regardless) and when I look back I think about the missed opportunities to really be present to what was happening. Whether it was to appreciate the brilliant moments, the wins or to pay attention to the parts that hurt.

We're all constantly focused on moving forward, the next win, the next engagement, the next project, that when we have something great in front of us we don't see it.

It's hard to be present. It's hard to not get wrapped up in thinking about the future or to get bogged down in details. But it's amazing to have those moments, however brief and be able to see what is in front of us.

Whatever we think the future might hold for us is irrelevant, because what we're doing right now is the only thing that's real.

It's Not a Destination

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 09:00:00 +0000

We've all heard the saying, you can't be happy with someone else until you can be happy with yourself, there's plenty written about this, but does it make it right? I think that we spend so much time trying to be happy that we don't realise happiness is a state of mind, it's not a destination. We don't go through our lives doing things, feeling bad and getting hurt and then get to a point where nothing bad happens again and we're suddenly at happy.

Perhaps, we should be striving for satisfaction instead. The reality is that we need to have connectivity to be happy, we need to feel loved and cared for and that our life counts for something. So to say that you can't be happy with others unless you're happy with yourself is a little simplistic. Maybe you can't appreciate it as much, but there are times when we need people in our lives to stick around, to deal with the bad parts and prove that we're worth it. Sometimes, we put ourselves out there and we get hurt, we declare our love and get rejected, relationships end, conflicts arise. Ultimately, we will be able to move on from these things and but sometimes when you're in it it's hard to know it will end.

There are times when the person we want in our life won't be able to be there and that hurts, it's at these times that we can forget about the other people in our lives. But if you're able to look up and out, you see the people that matter are the ones that are still there, that turn up, and drag you out of the house.

Right now, I'm not at the place I want to be and I think it's pretty obvious to anyone that's reading this. Eventually I'll be ok, and I'm still working out how I'm going to get there. One way is to let people know where I'm at and ask for help on the bad days and to trust in people that they'll be there.

When there is no one else then I think about a memory, about a time when I was at peace and not scared of anything. I had just graduated year 12 and was lying on a lilo in my best friend's swimming pool 25 kms from the nearest town. I was staring up at the sky, at the vastness of the stars above me and enjoying the complete silence and serenity.

I don't know what's next, I'm not sure how I'm going to get there, but I know that the people in my life that matter will stick around.

Emotions Aren't Logical

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 08:22:00 +0000

I could tell you how many people are injured on our roads each year, the debilitating injuries that people have to live with for the rest of their lives and the ripple effect of these events. But numbers, figures and statistics won't mean very much, they won't convince you that you need to be careful and mindful of the people that are around you and the damage that you might do.

Or I could show you this video

And now tell me, how do you feel?

I know one of the families in the video, their son was in the year below me at school. He was killed by his drunk best mate when he was 18. This video causes an emotional reaction, it makes me nauseous and sad and angry. When we're trying to convince someone to get on side with a change campaign or to help us in a cause we can tell them the numbers or we can find out what will drive them to help.

This isn't about manipulating people, but about realising what drives people, what motivates people and to cut out the fluff, drop the BS and get authentic. Today I heard someone say that no one is opposed to change, they are opposed to the way that it is presented to them. When we want to get someone on side we have to find out what they want, to prepare them for what is going to happen and to allay their fears.

I can tell you the pros and cons of a project, but when you make a decision it will not be based on this.

We believe in logic, in making rational decisions and that feelings aren't part of business. But our humanity, our emotions and our desire to be connected and part of a community are far more powerful than a graph.

The Job: One Year Anniversary

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 00:07:00 +0000

It's one year since I walked into Deloitte as an employee and it's pretty great to be sitting here now and to be honest I'm a little bit smug too. Around 18 months ago I was getting told I was being foolish, using a blog would never work to get a job and writing posts like this one would surely get me fired. It's not the way it works, you can't target the company and get them to hire you. There is too much risk, if you focus on one company then you're shutting out all of your other options.

But that was the point, Deloitte was the company I wanted to work for, and the more time I spent researching, talking to people and finding out about it the more I wanted to work here. So that is what I focused on, I realised that I could stay where I was, which was safe, secure and guaranteed (but unhappy) or I could take a risk, put myself out there, and take a chance that I would fail. I wasn't successfully initially, I applied for a role in People and Performance and didn't get it. But I kept trying, I looked at my strategy and I refocused. I took the rejection in my stride and I kept going.

Sure, it hurts to get rejected, to be unsuccessful and to try something and fail, but if it's something you really want then you'll keep trying. Eventually I got the attention of Pete Williams and while initially there wasn't a role for me, when one became available Pete called me and a week after my interview I was accepting a role with Deloitte Digital. Pete has written his side of the story here.

There has been a lot written about what I did to get my role here and it gained a large amount of attention for being different and innovative, but the reality is that the reason it worked for me wasn't that extraordinary. I created relationships with people, I gained the support of people and I had individuals around me who were willing to vouch for me (this post goes into more detail).

A year on the question is, do I have The Job? While I was initially looking for a Human Resources role the position I ended up accepting was quite different, sitting within Deloitte Digital I have been involved in the Leadership Academy and the internal side of social media. I am extremely happy that I am in Digital, it's a fantastic part of the business to be in, full of fired up people who give a damn about what they're doing.

My role is not yet 'The Job', that's still a work in progress (I'm focusing on moving into more of a social media role full time). But I can say for certain that I am with The Company I want to be with and that I can see myself with for a number of anniversaries yet.

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 00:37:00 +0000

I've been having a lot of confronting and raw conversations lately, sometimes it's me spilling my guts, other times it's one of my friends and I've realised that the only way that we can have these conversations is if we drop the facade and stop being scared of what people think. We have to give into being terrified and feeling like a failure.

A friend forwarded on an article yesterday which discusses a study around why and how people learn differently and the way our behaviours are shaped from childhood. The study found that when given a series of tests students who became scared of failure or not living up to the praise they had received earlier such as, 'you must be smart at this' gave up more easily or picked more simple problems.

Yet the other students who were praised for their hard work dealt better with setbacks or not being able to solve the problems. They tried other options, and wanted to learn from others who had succeeded with the puzzles. We are conditioned to try and avoid failure when we think we will be judged for it, yet making mistakes is part of learning and part of innovation and growth.

When we're creating a product, writing a report or designing a strategy we prototype, we redesign, we ask for help and we improve. When has the first draft of anything you've done ever been as good as the end result?

We want to be good, to be right and to not have to feel defeat, but from adversity and failure comes resilience. It's easy to be happy when things are good and everything is working for you but when you mess up, when you hit the bottom, that's when you start to see who you are.

There are some aspects of life where once we've made a mistake and felt vulnerable, embarrassed or humiliated we'll do anything to avoid feeling like that again. So instead of learning from it, making a new model, a new prototype or a new approach, we avoid, we shun and we don't learn.

How differently would we feel about making mistakes if we just realised this?

Speaking Up Hurts Less

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 10:43:00 +0000

I wrote this post for a different blog, but it didn't end up getting used. It's been sitting on my desktop for a couple of months now and I decided it needed to be shared, because maybe someone else needs to read it.

I am cringing as I write this, and I can feel anxiety knotting up in my stomach, I think that if we’re born with an emotional toolkit then mine was missing a few things. My toolkit got plenty of angst but seems to have missed vulnerability and worthiness, throughout the years I’ve tried to make up for it, but it’s been hard work.

As a teenager I often felt like I had so many feelings and emotions stuffed into my body that I couldn’t do anything to get them out, so I tried to cut them out. I don’t even recall the point that I started self harming or if there was a specific trigger all I remember is that it became the only way I could deal with anxiety, anger, or sadness. When I started self harming I didn’t even know what it was called, I couldn’t Google what I was feeling and there was nowhere for me to find out what I should do or how I should deal with what was consuming me.

I was too scared to ask anyone for help, I didn’t feel like my problems or feelings were worthy of being talked about or that I was worthy of feeling better. We might get taught how to share our toys or to say please and thank you but we don’t get taught how to deal with emotions that feel like they’re never going to go away. And that is how it feels, when you’re stuck in it, it feels like nothing will ever be better, that there will never be anything good again.

At some point after years of putting myself through pain I realised that it wasn’t getting any better and I started to try and find other ways of dealing with the sadness. I wrote, man did I write – pages and pages of diatribe as I tried to put the feelings somewhere else. I cooked, I cleaned, I ran, I did anything that would get me thinking something different and shift my mindset from inflicting pain. These things all helped, they reminded me that I had some control and that I could channel my energy into something good.

But the thing that really made a difference, the only thing that ever truly made the pain go away was to ask for help. For me, asking for help was almost as bad as what I was feeling, because it meant that I had to be vulnerable and had to admit that there was a problem. I was so scared of what people would say when I showed them who I really was. But something funny happened, when I called they would say, ‘I’m glad you called, I’m glad you could trust me with this’. No one judged me, no one rejected me and I felt worthy.

Eventually I realised that pain isn’t something that has to be torn out, it’s like a scab healing and it helps us to appreciate happiness when we have it. I heard a song recently which summed it up for me, ‘happy is the heart that still feels pain, darkness drains and light will come again’. I still have occasional times when I feel like I’m surrounded by darkness but now I know that there are people in the light who can drag me back, so I call them, I get out of the house and I ask for help.

The One Year Itch

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 07:30:00 +0000

I haven't blogged in a month and every time I go to write something I get stuck or think, 'nah, that's not worth writing about'. It has become worse than trying to write an assignment (which I actually need to do as well). But I figure if I don't write something now then I'll just continue making excuses so it's time to jump back in.

It's not that I don't have anything to write either, if anything I have had too much going on in my head to be able to focus on a topic and think it through. Which I'm sure is not something I'm alone with, over the last couple of months I've started to try meditating and I've been overwhelmed at how many layers of thought are going on at any one time in my head, even the times when I think I'm relaxed.

I think it is often easier to keep going with what we're doing, what we need to do and how we're going to get it all done than it is to stop and pay attention to the moment. This is something I'm trying to be more aware of, but it takes a lot of effort to undo a lifetime of habits.

Yesterday I received a card from my Mum and part of it said, 'I am proud of your strength and willingness to push yourself, but sometimes it's the vulnerabilities we all share that enable us to connect on a deeper level'.

I'm pretty sure my Mum is on to something there, how often do you find out how much you have in common with someone or the shared fears, pain and insecurities only after you open yourself up to them? It all comes back to what Brene Brown speaks about in regards to excruciating vulnerability, you have to allow yourself to be hurt in order to really feel.

Mum also sent me a little book filled with quotes and although this isn't the one that she bookmarked for me it's the one that stood out.

Why destroy your present happiness by a distant misery, which may never come at all? For every substantial grief has twenty shadows and most of the shadows are of your own making' Sydney Smith

Well, today the sun is shining and there are no shadows.

Why Facebook?

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 23:34:00 +0000

As an individual I don’t particularly like Facebook, but I am aware that I am in the minority on this point. There are more than 750 million active users on Facebook and users spend more than 700 billion minutes per month on the site.

Here’s the thing though, while I don’t particularly want to use Facebook as an end user I do understand that from a business perspective it is an important place to have a presence. There are many people that base their decision not to use Facebook for their business on their individual beliefs.

The reasons for not using Facebook and other social networking sites relate to concerns over people wasting time, risk management issues and of course the ever present question around return on investment. Yet we can all understand and grasp that we need a telephone, or internet access to send emails to enable employees to be the most effective and for clients or customers to contact us.

The average FB user has 130 friends and is connected to 80 community pages, groups and events. If you think about one person ‘liking’ your page or sharing your products and the ripple effect that this creates through a network it is invaluable.

So what’s all the fuss and what are the rewards? Well social media can help in regards to:

Sales and lead generation – Viral marketing has demonstrated the power of online communities. There are real opportunities to generate revenue through effective social media campaigns – particularly on the basis of lower costs-to-execute.

Getting to know your customers – Social media also provides opportunities for more targeted marketing through effective use of segmentation and tracking client relationship lifecycles and insights into customer profiles.

After sales service – A strong social media presence can deepen customer relationships and some organisations have already achieved significant results through the use of social media by customer service teams.

Social experience - Social media provides a platform by which organisations can transform their products into long-term relationships with their customers, through interactive and customised experiences. For example, using social media to warn drivers when their vehicle needs servicing, or an app which can interact with vending machines, enabling the vendor to offer loyalty rewards and other personalised services.

Asking for help – Social media gives organisations not only the ability to gather real-time feedback on products and services, but also to “crowd source” ideas for new products or service development.

Finding talent and fostering loyalty – Many firms are already taking advantage of social media to reduce recruitment costs and build long-term relationships with alumni.

Changing your culture – Social media is not just about image; it can improve the way your organisation works.

Do you really need any more convincing?

This Post Is Permanent

noreply@blogger.com (@EllisonAmy) — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 07:25:00 +0000

The word permanent is defined as; existing perpetually; everlasting, especially without significant change. It is a word that is used in a broad range of contexts, a permanent employee, permanent ink, or relocating permanently. But each of these things is dependent on a number of variables, permanent ink on paper can't be removed but permanent ink on skin can be washed off.

Perhaps the only thing that is truly permanent in life is death because it is the only thing that will not change. We cling to the notion of permanency because certainty and concrete notions and ideas are comforting. But the truth is that all things change, jobs can be made redundant, relationships dissolve and the world continues moving and changing around us.

We try to categorise work, people and behaviour, to put things into boxes, to ensure that everything has a place and can be defined. But what if it can't be? I'm a proponent of an internal locus of control which means I believe that I have choice in my life and the situations I am placed in. But I also believe that sometimes things just are, they can't be boxed, they are not rational, yet we'll try anyway.

Last week while at a birthday party I was asked how I knew the birthday girl, and what my relationship was to the family. My answer enabled the person asking the question to work out where I fit and nicely categorise me as 'Kate's Sister'. It is simple and comforting. Are we seeking to categorise everything around us for the benefit of the people in our lives or for ourselves?

We use words like permanent, we seek certainty and we categorise things because it would be scary not to and where would we put something which has no name?