Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League Blog

The World is Not Enough

noreply@blogger.com (LOBO) — Fri, 31 Aug 2018 10:34:00 +0000

LOBO -Predator Press

Want to join the head-to-head bloodbath of the HBFFL v FTWL?

I certainly wouldn't, because all my bones would stick out in the wrong places and I hate all that messy bleeding.

But if you aren't a yellow-bellied chicken like Chris Cameron, you should join the -um- "HTWLBFL" (still working on a spectacular Scrabble scoring name).

This
is
SPARTA ... !!!

Woe To Thee

noreply@blogger.com (LOBO) — Thu, 17 Sep 2015 03:44:00 +0000

LOBO -Predator Press

With all my job travel, it was a friggin' miracle I could make the live draft this year. And I don't take friggin' miracles lightly.

Read the Bible! Jesus Christ [*SPOILER ALERT*] died for all your sins, and cleared the way so I could punish this sinful league with ruthless and relentless smiting. Prepare to be ruthlessly and relentlessly smoten! In the name of Christian Peace and Love, Jesus and I shall crush thy bones into a proper thick paste that I can spackle the holes Comcast left in the wall of my rental apartment -all so we can Forgive you at some point in Eternity (probably).

Thy comeuppance shall be tenfold in 2015! Barring The Rapture, J.C. and I will gleefully be dancing, squishing our toes in the entrails of all who oppose us in Week 16.

Gangnam Style.

We Will Watch O'er Ramparts When They Come On Netflix

noreply@blogger.com (LOBO) — Sat, 29 Nov 2014 11:53:00 +0000

LOBO -Predator Press

Statistically eliminated from the playoffs, our beloved Preds have only two weeks left in our season.

Nonetheless, we suit up. We fire up. Week 13 [Future Ex-Cons] and 14 [Renal Failure] will find the mighty Preds undefeated in spirit.

-Undefeated!

We, the Preds, have something rare and precious on our side, something that makes us impervious to doubt. Something special, that makes us play harder when there is nothing to gain. Something that chases away the creeping, cloying darkness of surrendered hearts. Something that transcends the statistics and scorecards, innate and priceless, burned into our very souls, that cannot be stolen, bought, found, or taught. Something that drives us to stand and deliver against all odds, and play the best damn football we ever have. Something that could potentially send either or both of two 2014 playoff hopefuls sprawling to obscurity.

And that something is spite.

(Plus I'll bench my starters for 2015 draft picks)

Week 12: Oh now you want to play fantasy football!

noreply@blogger.com (renalfailure) — Fri, 28 Nov 2014 03:15:00 +0000

by Renal Failure

Yeah, really Meaty Clackers...

In past HBFFL seasons there's been the issue of absentee owners, those who have bailed on their teams in the last half of the season when competing for a playoff spot has been rendered a bitter memory. And Meaty Clackers qualified as one through Weeks 10 and 11 keeping Nick Foles in as QB and not swapping out injured or bye week players. So when the Clackers appeared on the schedule for a Week 12 game with the People's Champion Renal Failure we thought we'd have as easy a time as Future Ex-Cons did winning 45-32 in Week 11.

Why would you start playing for real now???

BUT NO! For reasons unknown, the Clackers decided this was week to field an actual competitive team. And compete they did, putting up a season high 133 points in Week 13 against Renal Failure. If they had done something similar in Week 10 we'd be in 4th place instead of one game out of the playoffs.

Luckily the People's Champion put up 144. Drew Brees came through with 37 points on Monday night to clinch our victory. Alfred Morris put up 23. Demaryius Thomas excelled in the absence of the other Thomas and Emmanuel Sanders with 26 points. The Eagles D bailed us out with 18 points. And Billy Cundiff showed why is he the HBFFL's kicker of legend with a 14 point day.

So Renal Failure finds themselves at 7-5, still in 5th place behind the Patriots who managed to beat Cranberry Sauce 102-83. Future Ex-Cons stayed ahead with a victory over The DreamCrushers and Mile High Club blew out Bald Spots. But Renal Failure is 3rd in Points For in the HBFFL, so if we can force a tiebreaker situation we're almost guaranteed to win.

All the other teams in the lower half of the league (Predator Press, Cranberry Sauce, Bald Spots, Meaty Clackers, Bourbon Blasters) have been eliminated, but it does not mean that any of the Top Four have clinched a spot. The 9-3 teams (DreamCrushers!, Mile High, and Ex-Cons) need one more win to clinch a spot because if any of them lose their remaining two games and Renal Failure wins their remaining two then it would force a tiebreaker which would likely favor the People's Champ.

Happy Thanksgiving to those who had Calvin Johnson in their lineups in Week 13... like we did in the FTWL.

The Patriots at 8-4 are the closest target for Renal Failure and with Mile High Club (the #1 scoring team in the league) and a recently awakened Meaty Clacker squad left on their schedule they could be the most vulnerable for collapse.

But Renal Failure needs to get through The DreamCrushers! in Week 13, but your People's Champ is projected as a 117-100 winner in this matchup so that's good. That gives us a bit of wiggle room in a league where it is severely lacking.

We're getting down to the wire here, and one out of five teams is going to get fucked out of playoff spot. We're hoping it's not Renal Failure.

Renal Failure is the People's Champion and is 6-5 in the FTWL but is in 4th place where we have the 2nd highest points scored total. We're making the playoffs in at least one of these damn leagues.

Week 11: Every Steeler Except Ours Scored Big

noreply@blogger.com (renalfailure) — Sat, 22 Nov 2014 19:57:00 +0000

slapped together by Renal Failure

We don't even have time this week for videos.

Our three-game win streak came to an end at the hands of Mile High Club 115-89. Antonio Brown and Le'Veon Bell had huge games on Monday night, and our Steeler Martavius Bryant (who had been lighting it up) didn't show up. Drew Brees had such a bad day that Jay Cutler doubled him up on points. Even Billy Cundiff soiled the sheets with a 1-point day after weeks of steady kicking.

So the bad news is we remain in 5th and Future Ex-Cons won to jump ahead in the standings. The good news is that the Patriots lost and we're only a game behind them and we have a 60-point advantage in the tie-breaker. Even better news, this week we face Meaty Clackers and they've barely been putting a team on the field the past couple weeks (just ask the Ex-Cons who won 45-32 over the Clackers because the Clackers had three empty spots in their starting lineup).

Playoff implication talk
DreamCrushers! at 9-2 are in with one more win, but they have the toughest schedule out of the remaining relevant teams with Ex-Cons, Renal Failure, and Bald Spots (who beat the Patriots this past week) left on the docket.

Mile High Club at 8-3 needs two wins to clinch or one and some help to clinch. Their remaining games aren't too scary with Bald Spots, Patriots, and Cranberry Sauce left to play. Two wins seems pretty likely on their end.

Same deal for 8-3 Future Ex-Cons but their path to the playoffs may be more treacherous. After the DreamCrushers! this week they play the Predator Press and Bourbon Blasters who, while at the bottom of the standings, have never been easy wins. Ex-Cons could only get one win out of their next three, but that might be enough to get them in.


If you're going to win at fantasy football, you gotta throw a few bears into deep orbit

Patriots at 7-4 are currently on a three game losing streak, but they have an easy schedule with Cranberry Sauce this week, Mile High in Week 13, then a gimmie game against Meaty Clackers to end the season. If they can get to 9 wins, they'll probably get in.

Renal Failure at 6-5 needs to take care of business this week with the Clackers, score an upset over DreamCrushers! then finish strong vs. Predator Press to get to 9 wins and have a chance at the playoffs because no one above them, not even the Patriots, are likely to crash and burn in all their remaining games.

Technically Cranberry Sauce and Bald Spots have an outside chance of getting in, which would require Renal Failure and the Patriots to go 0-3 in these remaining weeks and Sauce and Spots to win all of their remaining games to force a tie-breaker between themselves and the Patriots, which would probably go to Cranberry Sauce because they have 83 more points than the Bald Spots.

Bye weeks are over for the Renal roster, so we're coming full strength for the rest of the season. We have no injury issues, but we've got the depth to deal with it if necessary. We're looking forward to being in the hunt till the very last week, and the People have faith that their champion will be playoff bound in 2014.

Renal Failure is the People's Champion of fantasy football. We are also 6-5 in the FTWL with two other teams. That playoff race is much more interesting.

The People's Week 10: The Beast That Throws Bears Into Comets

noreply@blogger.com (renalfailure) — Thu, 13 Nov 2014 02:03:00 +0000

written hastily by Renal Failure

Marshawn 3:16 says I just scored 4 TD's!

The Patriots learned two things in this week's HBFFL matchup against the People's Champion Renal Failure: 1) Renal Failure lives for revenge, and 2) it's hard to win when your opponent's starting RB scores 45 points, which is what Marshawn Lynch did for the People in Week 10 to give Renal Failure a big 131-108 victory to bring our current win streak to three games.

Other notable performances on the Renal Roster - Denard Robinson with 18 big points, Demaryius Thomas with 15, and Drew Brees was a bullshit offensive pass interference penalty away from getting at least 30 points but alas had to settle for 21. Jeremy Maclin and Billy Cundiff had off-weeks of 5 and 6 points respectively. Bobby Rainey's 5-points earned him a ticket to the waiver wire. You're behind Bishop Sankey on our RB depth chart, that's how bad you are!

The Patriots had a solid week from most of their starters. Vernon Davis probably shouldn't have even bothered showing up (Goose Egg!). Patrioits goofed with starting Matt Ryan (16pts) instead of Ben Roethlisberger (24pts) but that wouldn't have made much of a difference. Losing by 15 ain't much better than losing by 23. But it does illustrate the dilemma of playing the matchup vs. playing the hot player.

It ain't fun when you get Beasted... so you'd better be the Beast!

Renal Failure (6-4) needed that Week 10 win to keep pace with the top four teams. Patriots drop to 7-3, as did Mile High Club. Future Ex-Cons won to get to 7-3, so now there's three teams within a game's reach of Renal Failure (DretamCrushers! have advanced to 8-2). Renal Failure remains third in scoring: 56 points ahead of the Patriots, 7 points in front of Future Ex-Cons, 9 points behind Mile High Club, and 29 points behind the DreamCrushers! This should make for some interesting tie-breaker mayhem down the stretch should Renal Failure keep the pressure on the 7-3 teams.

Speaking of 7-3 teams, Mile High Club draws Renal Failure this week, which makes this the HBFFL game of the week because of the direct playoff implications. Renal Failure can catapult to 4th (points for tiebreaker) with a victory and would keep pace with the other 7-3 teams Convicts and Patriots who have favorable matchups against 3-7 teams (Dreamcrushers! look to go to 9-2 with a victory over 3-7 Bourbon Blasters who need to pray for another 50 point Aaron Rodgers game to have a chance of victory).

What does a team averaging 149 points over three games look like? Looks like Classic Renal Failure to us...

We're without Flavor of the Waiver Wire Denard Robinson and Jason Witten this week because of bye weeks, but Alfred Morris is back and will run wild on the Buccaneers. Drew Brees is projected for a ridiculous 29 points vs. the Bengals but if Bryan Hoyer can rampage on Cincy than so can the legendary Brees. Our FLEX dilemma this week is whether we trust a returning Ryan Mathews or if we go with rookie WR sensation Martavis Bryant who has been lighting it up since Week 7 for the Steelers. We might have to take our own advice and go with the hot hand on the Steelers.

Mile High is putting their trust in Andy Dalton (or RGIII who they just picked up because Tony Romo is on a bye). Delaine Walker who lit us up in Week 2 is out with a concussion so Mile High picked up Kyle Rudolph who is returning from a sports hernia injury in September. Not sure how that will shake out because it's the Vikings. Shady McCoy is no longer a lock for big numbers but he had a light week vs. Carolina so he may get more work vs. Green Bay. Arian Foster is still Arian Foster, but the Browns have actually been pretty good defensively this year. Le'Veon Bell will have fun running against the Titans. Antonio Brown and Emmanuel Sanders will get their points in but will it be enough?

Yahoo!'s throwing up their arms and saying flip a coin on this matchup, projecting a 108-108 tie, and historically speaking in the HBFFL ties send the playoff race into absolute chaos. We're hoping Mile High's Steelers investment goes south this week so we can keep things interesting in the HBFFL playoff race.

Renal Failure is the People's Champion of Fantasy Football. This week we learned that the only thing that can beat having Marshawn Lynch and his 45 point-day vs. NY is a team with Aaron Rodgers and his 50-point bear into deep space day vs. Chicago. That was a rough loss for us in the FTWL (174 to 137) but we're still in a good spot to make a run for the playoffs at 5-5 and 5th place. And we we still got an A+ from the Yahoo! recap bots in the loss.

The People's Week 9: High Score!

noreply@blogger.com (renalfailure) — Thu, 06 Nov 2014 12:00:00 +0000

by Renal Failure

Everything is better when you score 153 points... and have Jim Ross doing commentary...

Renal Failure, your People's Champion, is kicking things into high gear in the 2nd half of the season, racking up an authoritative 153-96 win over Bald Spots this past week (and our second A+ rating from the Yahoo! recap bots). Jeremy Maclin's throwing bears into orbit like they're going to outlaw the practice soon (34pts this week, 37pts last week). Alfred Morris and Marshawn Lynch each put up two TD's en route to their big 22 and 25-point days respectively. Denard Robinson is paying off as our new FLEX with 16 points. Drew Brees was projected for 21 and got 21, Jason Witten was projected for 6 and got 6, so OK on both of those. Billy Cundiff continues to be Billy Cundiff with a 10 point day. Our only mistake was letting go the Miami Defense because we thought they'd have trouble with San Diego's offense, but you can't make all the right choice all the time (we grabbed them back for this week's game though).

Bald Spots had Gronk (22pts), Carson Palmer (22pts) and Andre Ellington (18pts), and that was about it, not that it would have made a difference which makes leaving Reggie Wayne's 15pts and Joe Flacco's 26pts on the bench tolerable. Bald Spots were missing Brandon Marshall and Megatron on bye weeks, though Bald Spots has been missing Megatron for way longer than that. Both will be back in action next week but it may be too late for Bald Spots, and a number of other HBFFL, to turn things around — if indeed Points For is an indicator of team success.

3rd in the HBFFL in scoring... you can't run from Renal Failure! BURN BABY BURN!

Bourbon Blasters and Cranberry Sauce are at 2-7 and pretty much dead in the water, especially since Cranberry Sauce's owner seems to have bailed (not that it would have mattered against The DreamCrushers! this week - 142-52). Predator Press, Bald Spots, and Meaty Clackers are at 3-6 and the highest scoring team out of those three is PredPress with 829 points. They're a full two games behind 5th place Renal Failure (5-4) who has 1010 points for (112.22 pts per week, and we've only scored less than 90pts once) — and if we didn't have the 3rd highest points against our record would be much better. Looking at that points disparity between the three 3-6 teams and 5-4 Renal Failure does not inspire much confidence that they'll be able to go on a long winning streak or that Renal Failure will suffer a catastrophic collapse — barring injuries of course.

The Traveler's form has been chosen!
And it doesn't matter that Mark Sanchez
is throwing him the ball.

Regarding your current playoff ranked teams - 4th place Future Ex-Cons (6-3) have 987 points for - the same as the 7-2 3rd place Patriots. Fellow 7-2 teams, the 2nd place DreamCrushers! (1044pts for) and 7-2 1st place Mile High Club (1099) are the only squads that have more points than Renal Failure, thus making them the least likely of these four teams to falter. Patriots don't seem to have a lot of depth and Ben Roethlisberger is not going to keep throwing up 50 point games, so they might be the ones most likely to stumble.

Ex-Cons are humming along with a 6-game winning streak and have made out very well from their trade with us. Sammy Watkins and Chris Ivory have produced but Tom Brady's stuck on the Ex-Con bench with 40+ point games. Ex-Cons are deep at WR but if anything happens to his RB threesome of Forsett/Bradshaw/Ivory he's pretty much screwed. Troi may need to engineer another trade to bolster his RB ranks some more, but who has an RB to spare worth the newly-revived Tom Brady? The only team with that much RB depth is Renal Failure and we've already got Drew Brees. Maybe DreamCrushers! in a pinch but they already have 2014 God of QB's Andrew Luck. Anything to keep Renal Failure off their backs, because the People's Champ is infamously dangerous in the 2nd half of the season.

Kill all the bad guys, get to the playoffs, then you can live on the planet with the teddy bears...

So Week 10. We're facing the Patriots again and this time they don't have the element of surprise on their side from being new to HBFFL. They still have DeMarco Murray leading the league in RB scoring, and he'll probably be running for miles vs. the Jags. Randall Cobb and Mike Wallace hold down the fort at WR. Eddie Lacy will be fresh from the bye week. The question is: do the Patriots go with Matt Ryan or Big Ben? Mattie Ice is against the Suckaneers and he already lit them up earlier this season, but Big Ben is suddenly Bear NASA over the past two weeks. Do the Patriots play the matchup or play the hot hand?

Renal Failure is without Alfred Morris (bye week) but Denard Robinson's been running up some decent pointage. We're conflicted about our FLEX option. Will Fred Jackson be back? Do we go with Bobby Rainey and hope the Bucs don't decide to tank the season and run rookie Charles Sims all game? Bishop Sankey... uh, no. Do we plug in Larry Fitzgerald for a spark? We're hoping we get enough out of our killer WR tandem of Maclin and D. Thomas, and that Brees goes wild at home even if he is playing against the Niners because Drew Brees at home is always a bear-into-deep-space threat. Marshawn, you keep scoring TD's, okay?

Yahoo! says we're losing this one hard 108-102, but then again Yahoo! failed to predict we'd score 316 points in our last two games too.

Renal Failure is the People's Champion and the only team to win the HBFFL and FTWL championships in the same year. We also won big in Week 10 in the FTWL - 162-69. We're in 3rd place, winning the 4-way tie at 5-4 because we have 319 points in our last two FTWL games - just like in the HBFFL. Coincidence? We think not!

We .... WON?

noreply@blogger.com (LOBO) — Sun, 02 Nov 2014 22:40:00 +0000

LOBO -Predator Press

Well the Preds owe everything to Cody Parkey. Seven points! That's like a touchdown and some other play that probably exists in football.

Other guys probably did important stuff too.

The People's Week 8: Dominate, son!

noreply@blogger.com (renalfailure) — Thu, 30 Oct 2014 01:18:00 +0000

by Renal Failure

We would have gotten 174 if we started Denard Robinson instead of Bishop Sankey...

Cranberry Sauce learned the hard way that when Renal Failure gets going, things get real ugly for opponents. This we see in the People's 163-103 victory in Week 8 - our highest point total and margin of victory this season. Jeremy Maclin led the way with 37pts, followed by Drew Brees' 34. We got a semi-unexpected boost from the Miami defense putting up 27 vs. the Jaguars, semi in that we expected a big day vs. the woeful Jags but not a bear in outer space day. Even Jason Witten got it going with a 13-point day, most of that courtesy of a TD pass from Brandon Weedon. Billy Cundiff remains Billy Cundiff, kicking 12 points on the day to keep us within a game of 4th place (held by Troi's Future Ex-Cons).

An 80-yard TD will certainly pep up your Fantasy point total.

Note: Apparently Larry Fitzgerald heard us talk smack about his effectiveness and got mad because he put up 29 points whilst sitting on our bench. This isn't as egregious, however, as Future Ex-Cons leaving Tom Brady's 44 points on the bench, or the Patriots leaving Ben Roethlisberger's 55 points on the bench (and despite leaving all those points on our benches, all three of us won our games).

Cranberry Sauce kept pace with Matt Stafford (29pts), Jamaal Charles (23pts), Antonio Gates (17pts), Alshon Jeffrey (11pts ) and the Seattle D (10pts) but that was it for the Sauce. Jordy Nelson came up surprisingly small in the Packers game vs. the Bears (2pts), Shane Vereen was one of the few people not to get the ball much in that blowout win by the Pats (4pts), and Eric Decker... well, he plays for the Jets so, yeah (4pts).

There are a million running backs out there, but not all of them get into the end zone...

Alfred Morris hit paydirt this week with a good 14-point day but Marshawn Lynch and Bishop Sankey failed to impress yet again. Sankey's going to the bench for Denard Robinson in Week 9 vs. Bald Spots. We need a spark at the FLEX position and Robinson's been lighting it up recently. We're not going with Bobby Rainey, despite Doug Martin's injury and general suckitude. Rainey's burned us before.


If you threw for 44pts earlier, you'd still a member of our team instead of on Troi's bench

Bald Spots is depending on big days from Rob Gronkowski and Carson Palmer because the rest of that lineup doesn't put the fear of the God Steve Winwood in the People (oh, you didn't know about The God Steve Winwood? Listen to CVS Bangers and recognize, son). Maybe Andre Ellington helps out but that's about it.

As of Wednesday, Yahoo!'s giving us a huge 103-78 projected victory, but that's with Bald Spots having Antone Smith of the Falcon starting on his bye week. The only other available RB on the Bald Spots roster is Donald Brown and he's only projected for 4pts, bringing the Yahoo! projected score to a still-sizable 103-82 lost for the Spots of Baldness.

Renal Failure is never seen drinking cappuccino in Italian restaurants with Oriental women...

Renal Failure finds themselves in the scarcely-populated middle of the pack in the HBFFL. The top 3 teams (7-1 Patriots, 6-2 Mile High Club, and 6-2 DreamCrushers!) have all scored over 900 points and have had less than 800 points scored on them. The bottom five teams are either 3-5 (Bald Spots and Meaty Clackers) or 2-6 (Bourbon Blasters, Predator Press, and Cranberry Sauce), have all scored under 800 points, and have had over 800 points scored on them (with Cranberry Sauce the only team to have over 900 points scored on them).

We just like this. And we like whispering it into
people's ears too. They find it rather haunting.

But the middle pack teams of Renal Failure and Future Ex-Cons are different. RF at 4-4 has 857 points scored and 885 points against. Future Ex-Cons (who are enjoying a 4-game winning streak) sits at 5-4 with 870 points scored and 780 scored against. If things don't turn around quick for the bottom five teams (and if the top three teams don't collapse), we may only see a two-team race for that last playoff spot, much like last season which was the only time the HBFFL has seen three teams with 10 or more wins in a season. Will 8 wins be the magic number to get in this year as it was for Delusions of Adequacy last year? Your People's Champ has made it in with 8 before, and going 4-2 the rest of the way is doable. Getting to 9 wins, the only guaranteed win total for the playoffs historically speaking, means going 5-1 — a more difficult task considering three of those games are against the aforementioned top three teams in the league. Stealing one win will be tough, let alone two. Winning against all three? We'll need to get a little liquored up to make such a boastful claim.

The hunt continues...

Renal Failure is the People's Champion of Fantasy Football. We also won big in the FTWL, dominating 157 to 48. Man, did that skew our Points For/Points Against numbers. We're in 4th place in the FTWL, where we are also looking to overtake Troi's team in the standings.

The People's Week 7: Everyone does their best against us

noreply@blogger.com (renalfailure) — Sat, 25 Oct 2014 22:13:00 +0000

by Renal Failure

When it rains, it keeps raining, and rains some more until there's nothing but the rain...

The People's Champ was busy this past week doing the People's Business so we're going to keep this brief, and overly terse because we lost.

Good news: We scored 94 points for the second week in a row
Bad news: Troi and his Future Ex-Cons scored 140, the highest total of the week and making this loss the biggest blowout of the week in the HBFFL.
Semi-Good News: Yahoo! says that three of our four losses have come against team's putting up the highest score that week, so if we're getting beat we're getting beat by the absolute best.

Good news: We were right about Demaryius Thomas mitigating the damage from Peyton Manning. Thomas has 36 points, Manning had 38.
Bad news: We were wrong about Marques Colston not getting many points from Drew Brees. Colston put up 16, Brees 31. Not that it would have mattered, but we like to be right.

Bad news: Marshawn Lynch and Alfred Morris duplicated their weak performance from last week.
Really bad news: Fred Jackson got injured and is out for at least a month
Really really bad news: Our handcuff for Fred Jackson, CJ Spiller, broke his collarbone and is out for the season.
Really really really bad news: LOBO snatched up Cody Parkey from waivers when we dropped him for his bye week.

Semi-good news: Despite the big numbers that the people we traded for Drew Brees Sammy Watkins, Chris Ivory, and Tom Brady put up on the Future Ex-Cons bench, we still would have lost if we had all three on our team for this week's game. By 3 points. So the trade is still a positive for us.
Bad news: Larry Fitzgerald has ceased to be a valuable WR.

How many assholes do we have left on this team? YO!

So our running back depth has gone to shit and our starting RB's are struggling, a complete reversal of the usual Renal Failure operating procedure. And while it's never a good time for your strengths to become your weakness, it's particularly inopportune when you're at the halfway mark of the season sitting at 3-4 in 5th place.

Week 8 looks favorable to the people according to the bots at Yahoo! Demaryius Thomas has already put up a solid 15 points on Thursday night to set the pace against our Week 8 foes Cranberry Sauce, and we get Jeremy Maclin back in the lineup too. Unfortunately for us 2-5 Cranberry Sauce has gotten 17 points from Antonio Gates, which does not bode well for us considering TE has been very weak for the People's Champ. Still, Yahoo! projects we come out on top 111-104.

Cranberry Sauce might not know this, but the 2nd half of the season is usually where Renal Failure cranks it up several notches. We've turned disastrous starts into playoff runs, and even a championship. So do not be alarmed if Renal Failure starts dominating in these late-in-the-season games because it's what we're famous for around these parts, especially since we've clear most of our bye weeks for our starters.

Renal Failure is the People's Champion, and also got hammered in the FTWL in Week 7 too. We're in 5th place there so it appears that no matter what decisions we make, we're a middle of the pack squad so far in 2014.

Week 7 Recap

noreply@blogger.com (LOBO) — Wed, 22 Oct 2014 21:15:00 +0000

LOBO -Predator Press

Week 7: You Football Like a Girl

noreply@blogger.com (LOBO) — Fri, 17 Oct 2014 21:16:00 +0000

LOBO -Predator Press

There are five stages of grief the millions and millions of Predator Press fans should be expecting this weekend:

1) Denial: "No, I did not just see our beloved Preds get squished through a fine mesh diamond-edged screen into a pool of lava."

2) Anger: "Fuck 'fine mesh diamond-edged screen.' How did she get lava!?!"

C) Bargaining: "She's a chick, right? Chicks make dumb decisions sometimes, like to get 'tramp stamps' and to have 'emotions.' I mean look what's happened since we let them drive and vote. Ebola!"

37) Depression: "Maybe if I wept openly, she wouldn't have doubled LOBO's score."

π) Acceptance: "See ya in Week 16.

-and with an all new kicker.

HAH!"

The People's Week 6: The Bourbon Went Dry

noreply@blogger.com (renalfailure) — Wed, 15 Oct 2014 22:11:00 +0000

by Renal Failure

Sometimes your opponent beats themselves...

Not a good Week Six for the People's Champ Renal Failure, but good enough to pull out a slim 94-87 victory over HBFFL veteran Joe O. and his Bourbon Blasters. Our victory came mainly from the arm of Jay Cutler (31pts), the hands of Demaryius Thomas (23pts) and from Joe's lineup choking at the most inopportune time.

The only person who had a worse week than the Blasters

The Blasters were down 8 points going into the Monday night game. All of Renal Failure's squad had played and Joe had Frank Gore and Brian Quick (traded to Joe by us) left to play. The People won't lie, they pretty much believed their Champion was fucked six ways to next Thursday night's game. However, Quick got smothered and put up a goose-egg and Gore was barely able to muster a single point in the Niners victory over the Rams. Andre Williams, Joe's big waiver wire addition this week, did not come through as expected with only 5pts in that debacle vs. the Eagles. Percy Harvin probably was better off not even playing this week (0pts). Andre Johnson languished on the Blaster's bench with 14-we-would-have-won points.

This covered up a horrendous day from the Renal Failure starters. Jeremy Maclin was about the only Eagles to not have a good game against the Giants on Sunday night (1pt). Beast Mode and Alfred Morris put up backup RB numbers (6 and 5 respectively) and were outscored by Fred Jackson and God's placekicker Cody Parkey (9pts a piece).

Half your lineup not scoring can come out of nowhere and push your losing streak to four straight games too...

The People improve to 3-3 on the season, hanging on to 4th place just above our opponent for Week 7, the 3-3 Future Ex-Cons. The two-time defending HBFFL champs kept pace with a victory of Cranberry Sauce, sending the Sauce into a 5-team pileup of 2-4 teams. Troi's looking to springboard into the 4th all by himself with a victory over Renal Failure, but that may be trickier than he thinks.

The Eagles are on a bye week, so no Maclin, no Zach Ertz, and even more important no Cody Parkey. Luckily, that trade with Troi earlier in the season brought us Larry Fitzgerald who is starting to get his motor running (and it helps that he's playing against the Raiders this week). Jason Witten's getting back to being a regular target for Tony Romo, so we're cool on the TE side. That leaves the kicker position, and we're bringing the man, the myth, the legend... BILLY CUNDIFF!

You can't handle Billy Cundiff's sweet moves!

The People think it's actually a pretty sweet move considering the Cleveland Browns offense has been humming with Brian Hoyer at the helm. They put up 31 against the Steelers and they're playing the Jaguars this week. A lot of points could be hitting the board in that game for Cleveland.

Troi still has Peyton Manning slinging the pigskin, but if he's throwing mostly to Demaryius Thomas it's not going to Troi much good. The converse could be said regarding our Drew Brees and his Marques Colston until you remember that Brees throws to the ball to every eligible receiver for the Saints. Better look to Golden Tate going big in the absence of a healthy Megatron, and for DeSean Jackson to get a 60-yard TD. And are you going to take Justin Forsett and Ahmad Bradshaw over the Marshawn Lynch and Alfred Morris, especially with Beast Mode and Morris coming off bad performances the week before?

Brees has a tough matchup vs. Detroit, but he throws the ball all day so he'll get his points. Beast Mode is going to be a beast vs. the Rams. Alfred Morris can certainly run against the JV team called the Tennessee Titans. Even Fred Jackson has a very favorable matchup against the Vikings (are they even trying anymore?)

We're bringing hot fire to Week 7, and random nudity too!

Yahoo!'s giving the early projected edge to Renal Failure 113 to 99. Much of our score is coming from 21 projected points to Demaryius Thomas, which seems a bit high until you realize Peyton Manning is projected for 33 on Troi's side. The People like their chances of Renal Failure hitting the 113 mark and higher in Week Seven.

Standing at 4-3 in either 4th or 3rd place (if Mile High Club loses to The DreamCrushers!) at the halfway point in the season would be an excellent position for Renal Failure to be in. Most of our main talent would be done with their bye weeks and we like our depth if the injury bug bites us. But we have to win Week 7 first. Being 3-4 at the halfway point isn't a death sentence — we've certainly come back from worse predicaments — but it won't be easy.

Renal Failure is the People's Champion and the 2010 HBFFL and FTWL champion. Joe got his vengeance by beating us in the FTWL by a score of 138-113. Yahoo! enjoyed our effort and gave us a B+ in the recap, which is better than the C we got for our HBFFL win, which tells us that winning your game has no effect on your Yahoo! computerized recap grade.

Week 6 Recap:

noreply@blogger.com (LOBO) — Tue, 14 Oct 2014 20:13:00 +0000

LOBO -Predator Press

Week 6: Shit Just Got Real - Behold Brandon McMananicus!

noreply@blogger.com (LOBO) — Sat, 11 Oct 2014 17:00:00 +0000

Even his condoms are frightening.

LOBO -Predator Press

Still smarting from the asswhipping Renal Failure aka "The People's Champion" delivered upon our beloved Preds in Week 5, I am driven to only one conclusion: "The People" are just plain dumb as a box of hammers. But our league commissioner, doubtlessly feeling the pressure of mass public outcry by now, will have stepped down by Week 14 ... and that is when Renal Failure and "The People" will receive the swift, lethal payback of my all-kicker team. And hopefully Ebola.

McMananicus will have little time to
recover from some minor cybernetic
tweaks and mandatory
performance-enhancing, eh,
"herbal suppliments."

Leading the charge to find Renal Failure's ass -and follow the subsequent orders to kick it- will be Brandon McMananicus, who will be flexing his mighty big toe of glory on Bald Spots' slippery scalp in Week 6.

Once we work out some hydraulic issues and figure out how Brandon McMananicus can carry fifty three more laser pointers, we, the Preds, are a mere two oil changes from this year's HBFFL Championship.

Once, at tryouts, Kurt Cousins fired a touchdown pass square into my belly. Despite fumbling bravely, I immediately went to the hospital. I hate Kurt Cousins. Why does he have to throw so hard?

PS: Does anyone know where I can get anthrax? And postage stamps and envelopes? And everyone in this league's addresses? And the instructions for this HAZMAT suit?

The People's Week 5: Breaking the Streak

noreply@blogger.com (renalfailure) — Thu, 09 Oct 2014 21:00:00 +0000

by Renal Failure

What a delicious beating...

Dear People's Champion of Fantasy Football Renal Failure,

Please accept our apologize for Demaryius Thomas not scoring for shit in his first games of the season. To make up for this, he will score ALL THE POINTS in Week Five for you. Sorry for the miscommunication.

Signed,
Peyton Manning.

P.S. - Please buy a Papa John's Pizza.

When you get 41 points from your WR, things are usually going swimmingly for you. And that indeed was the case in Week 5 as Renal Failure scored a ultra-sweet 129-71 victory over Predator Press. Why "ultra-sweet?" Because Renal Failure hadn't beaten Predator Press since the 2010 Humor Bowl. Three full years of losses to Predator Press - regular season and playoffs. No more of that noise. REGULATORS, MOUNT UP!!!

We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese... and Marshawn Lynch crushing people to be the 2nd highest scoring RB in the league...

There were other bright spots for the People other than Demaryius Thomas's 41-point Bear Leaving the Solar System. Beast Mode went for 17 points. Jeremy Maclin continues catching TD's (13pts), and the San Diego D blanked the Jets for a 16-point day. Cody Parkey told LOBO's Mason Crosby to know his role and shut his mouth with a 10-point day (he's the #2 scoring kicker in the HBFFL). Drew Brees managed 25 points, as did Jay Cutler, so that makes us feel a little better about Brees being on a bye in Week Six.

Cody Parkey drinks your milkshake, LOBO

Unfortunately there were underachievers in the lineup. Alfred Morris and Bishop Sankey only managed 2pts a piece, which greatly disappointed us because we thought this was finally Sankey's time to shine in the Titan's backfield. Morris was running against the Seahawks so we're more charitable with him. Zach Ertz is not living up to the TE of the future label we gave him so he's going to take a backseat to Jason Witten, especially now that Dallas has figured out how to play football again.

LOBO can take solace that nothing he would have done in Week Five would have mattered, but Yahoo! gave him a D-grade in the recap. And he's not in good shape going forward with Jimmy Graham's bum shoulder and Rashard Jennings getting banged up vs Atlanta. At least you've got last place Bald Spots to kick around this week.

We consulted the Torah for our Week Six lineup, but all we got was a recipe for Gifilte Fish...

This is one of the rare seasons that our Week Six opponent Bourbon Blaster do not have Drew Brees in their lineup. Unfortunately we don't have him in our lineup either for Week Six because of the Saints bye week. But Jay Cutler's been putting up Brees-like numbers so we're okay there. The problem comes in the form of some former members of the Renal Roster. We traded Brian Quick for Chris Ivory (who we parlayed for Brees) and Quick has proven to be a golden WR in garbage time for the Rams. Also we had released Ben Tate when he was injured and the Blasters snatched him up when he got healthy, and he's showing to be the main RB we thought he'd be when we originally drafted him.

Joe went to the waiver wire to get Andre Williams with Rashard Jennings down and the Giants playing the Eagles this week (who while having the highest scoring DEF/Special Teams in the HBFFL also give up an obscene amount of yards and points to the opposition). Frank Gore's running on the hapless Rams so that looks problematic for the People. Percy Harvin kept having touchdowns called back this past Monday so he should get the chance to wild against the Cowboys.

41 points later, he's the 8th ranked WR in the league

Despite all that, Yahoo! is giving the early edge to Renal Failure. Demaryius Thomas should have another big day, this time vs. the Jets. Fred Jackson is starting to catch fire and is playing a weak Patriots squad. Maclin's going to get his, as usual, and especially in a game against a divisional rival. And Beast Mode is Beast Mode.

Winning this week would not only give us the pleasure of extending the Blasters' losing streak to four games, it would help us begin to break away from the logjam of six 2-3 teams. Renal Failure's currently atop this morass in fourth because we've got more 6 more points than the Blasters. We'll see whether Week Six marks the point where we rise up toward the playoffs or sink deeper into the uncertain muck.

Renal Failure is the People's Champion and Wild Card (bitches!) of Fantasy Football. We also beat LOBO in the FTWL but not as savagely. We're also playing the Blasters in the FTWL, but Yahoo! likes their chances of winning way more there, but that's mainly because Peyton Manning is projected to put up 33 points vs. the Jets, which is somewhat reasonable.

Week 5: I Blame Chris

noreply@blogger.com (LOBO) — Wed, 08 Oct 2014 20:18:00 +0000

LOBO -Predator Press

Yes "Chris" -if in fact that is your real name- your cavalier Commissionations costed me Week 5.

Were I not hampered by your oppressive adjudicationing, I could have won last week. But nay! You have micromanagicked this league to the point that this entire season is questionable now, and I declare it utterly bereft of sportsmanshipitude.

If not for your tyrannicalized reign of unjust "rules" and whatever, I would have deployed the following lineup:

QB - Phi DEF, 24 points

WR - GB DEF, 21 points

WR - Car DEF, 19 points

RB - Stephen Gostkowski NE K, 19 points

RB - Phil Dawson SF K, 18 points

TE - SD DEF, 16 points

W/R - NE DEF, 15 points

DEF - whoever was playing Tony Romo (points probably still being calculatronned)

That is like 500 points. Chris, the evidence of your meddlutions in my season is clear to us all. I will file numerous "Torts" and "Motions" to declare this entire season corruptified, and unfit for human consumption.

I will have my comeupperations!

And PS:

The Stinky Golden Toe of VICTORY!

noreply@blogger.com (LOBO) — Fri, 03 Oct 2014 21:37:00 +0000

LOBO -Predator Press

I am trying to imagine KHAN, the manager of the Future Ex-Cons, on Tuesday morning. After a full day of torturing starving orphan kids -with impractical knowledge utterly devoid of shoplifting and insurance scams- he retires to the teacher's lounge for his powdered wig and bonbons.

The television on, he prepares to drink in his victory. Four points behind Predator Press, he had the only player left Monday might: Stephen Gostkowski. Some French guy.

And it is only then that he smells Mason Crosby's stinky golden toe of my victory. Sure, some of those other guys on my team scored too, but, as any good fantasy football manager will tell you, seasons are won by drafting lots and lots of kickers and defenses early and often. Just ask Billy Cundiff about what happened the week Nate Kaeding, Mason Crosby, and the entire Cleveland Browns defense stuffed him in his locker and wrote "WARNING! COOTIES!" all over it. I bet that poor bastard is still in therapy.

So I ask you "Renal Failure," if in fact that is your real name:

Can Cody Parkey save you in Week 5?

Hm?

The People's Week 4: Everyone took a bye week

noreply@blogger.com (renalfailure) — Thu, 02 Oct 2014 02:18:00 +0000

by Renal Failure

My quest to get to 2-2, foiled by bye-week treachery... DREAMCRUSHERS! YOU DONE FUCKED UP NOW!

Your People's Champion Renal Failure had a bad Week 4. We knew we had Marshawn Lynch and Demaryius Thomas on bye weeks, but what we didn't know is that everyone else on our team would take a bye week too. Not that it would have mattered because the Dreamcrushers! jumped on us, putting up 122 points to our meager 74.

Jeremy Maclin came back down to earth with 5pts. Michael Crabtree barely managed 4pts. Our decision to go Fred Jackson/CJ Spiller instead of Chris Ivory/Sammy Watkins wasn't that bad. The Bills RB's put up 16 together, Ivory/Watkins 18. We said no more Tom Brady and were rewarded sby Jay Cutler scoring 18 to Brady's anemic 8. Alfred Morris's 14 points and the San Diego's DEF's 11pts were the only bright spots (even Cody Parkey took the week off with 3pts).

Andrew Luck and Matt Forte threw bears into space (38 and 28 points respectively). Keenan Allen's 18 and Kevlin Benjamin's 13 iced the day though Chris admittedly fucked up by not starting Steve Smith Sr. who had a absoludicrous 32 points against Carolina. Good thing he was playing a team that had the scoring equivalent of mono this week (Yahoo! gave us a C- for the week, another pat on the head for not having a chance because even our bench sucked).

When you're 1-3, you gotta be ready to blow shit up...

Rust never sleeps, and Renal Failure is always looking to make moves. No one wheels and deals like the People's Champ. Last week we traded for Chris Ivory. Didn't play him, but that's okay because we packaged him with Sammy Watkins and Tom Brady in a deal to Troi and his 1-3 Future Ex-Cons for Drew Brees, Carlos Hyde, and Larry Fitzgerald. Cutler's been putting up good numbers, but Drew Brees is a sure thing week in and week out. He's going to get his points even when he's losing.

So now look at Renal Failure: Starting blue chip QB who will throw all day long. Beast Mode at RB, ready to dominate any week. Alfred Morris at the other RB spot, the only dependable aspect of the 'Skins offense. Demaryius Thomas and Jeremy Maclin at WR - the main receivers in pass-happy offenses. What fantasy owner wouldn't love a core group like that?

How the rest of the league sees Renal Failure's trading strategy...

Oh, and did we mention we still have C.J. Spiller AND Fred Jackson for RB depth and FLEX options, not to mention we picked up Bishop Sankey at a time where the Titans are actually going to run him more seeing how he's the only one on the team with talent? Hell, even Jason Witten's starting to pick up his game just in case Zach Ertz somehow does not live up to his TE Of The Future billing. And when Frank Gore and Doug Martin go down with injuries (because they've done it before) we've got Bobby Rainey and Carlos Hyde on standby, ready to play or ready to deal.

So going into Week 5 vs. Predator Press, we're liking our odds a bit more than usual. We have reloaded and restocked, no one's on a bye, and 1-3 is the kind of desperate situation that historically has seen Renal Failure rally. And though Yahoo! sees the matchup as a slight advantage to the People's Champ over LOBO's Predator Press, you can feel it in the air that Renal Failure's going to get business done in a big way.

Everyone does the air drums to this...

We'll see whether The People are on back on track or we've blown up our season. Gotta love the desperation that comes after the four game mark to salvage or maintain a fantasy season. The waiver wire Hail Mary's. The Machiavellian trades. The clinging to hope that long-shots pay off and everyone else stays healthy. We're going for broke, baby! Or at least that fourth-seed.

Renal Failure is the People's Champ of the HBFFL and the FTWL. We got housed just as bad in the FTWL in Week Four too so apparently we don't win when Marshawn Lynch doesn't play. But Beast Mode is back and we're playing LOBO in the FTWL too, and Yahoo! likes his chances even less there.

Week 4: Who is Watching the BOOKWATCHERS?

noreply@blogger.com (LOBO) — Thu, 25 Sep 2014 22:10:00 +0000

LOBO -Predator Press

After a lot of bootstrapping, the Preds detonated Bourbon Blasters in Week 3 -sadly, our first victory of the season. I figured Aaron Rogers and the entire Bourbon Blaster WR corps were expected to get at least thirty points collectively, but as a consequence, our beloved Preds squeaked though by scarcely doubling their score.

*!whew!*

Now I'm beset with a mediocre draft, a cascade of injuries, arrests, and bye weeks. Thank God for Mason Crosby! My roster is so full of waiver wire handcuffs that the most seasoned dominatrix I know uttered my 'safe word' [harder] on sight.*

And with this motley crew, I get the Championship rematch with the Future Ex-Cons:

Artist's Rendering

My strategy will be straight out of the first three Rocky movies. Just like Apollo Creed, I'm gonna dazzle the HBFFL with some trash talk, flashy antics, fancy footwork, and inexplicable reckless underestimation of all my opponents.

I might even celebrate my victories by finally watching Rocky IV this weekend.

*Whatever you do, don't tell her Kirk Cousins is not really my cousin. Holy crap would she be pissed.

Week 3: We'll take it

noreply@blogger.com (renalfailure) — Thu, 25 Sep 2014 00:48:00 +0000

by Renal Failure

Beast Mode saves Week 3 for the People...

The People's Champ brings the People their first win of the season with a 103-94 win over Meaty Clackers. Victory seemed out of reach for Renal Failure until Marshawn Lynch went full Beast Mode against the Broncos, putting up 24 points including that all-important OT TD in the late Sunday night game. Jeremy Maclin beasted a cool 26 points against the 'Skins, and Cody Parkey is becoming the new Billy Cundiff with 14 big points coming off his foot.

Having your kicker as your 4th leading scorer, however, is not the best of news for Renal Failure. Things are definitely not as good as they should be. We hit the waiver wire for a RB and grabbed Bobby Rainey instead of Knile Davis because we were more confident on Doug Martin being out than Jamaal Charles, plus we thought Rainey could duplicate his Week 2 performance against a weak Atlanta defense. Yeah... did not work out. Rainey got 8 points, Davis got 23 for the Dreamcatchers. Still, Rainey did better than our usual FLEX starter CJ Spiller.

If you get Renal Failure down, you'd better keep them down...

Enough of the sugar, time for the vinegar...

Meaty Clackers made the fatal mistake of starting two players who didn't play - Doug Martin and Roddy White. Their substitutes in the lineup would have given them the victory this week and forced us down to 0-3. But they didn't, so we'll graciously accept this gift seeing how bad the last two weeks have been for us, being that we're fifth in scoring but have had the most points scored against us in the league.

We didn't do ourselves any favors with Tom Brady not being Tom Brady for a third consecutive week (15 pts). Alfred Morris put up a meh 8pts while Demaryius Thomas did fuck-all until that 2-point conversation to send the Broncos/Seahawks game to OT (5pts for one of our top two picks). Zach Ertz took the week off with 1pt as did the Houston D with 3pts.

Chris C. thinks his DreamCrushers are the kings of the HBFFL...

We're going to be without Beast Mode and Demaryius Thomas for Week 4 because of bye weeks, but we just traded WR Brian Quick(also on bye week) to the Bourbon Blasters for Chris Ivory who has seen his workload increase with the Jets so that gives us some options. Do we start Ivory and one of our Bills RB? Do we not start Ivory and start both Fred Jackson and CJ Spiller? Do we start Ivory and WR Sammy Watkins in the FLEX spot and hope that EJ Manuel remembers how to quarterback (or gets pulled for Kyle Orton in a blow-out game)? We've got some decisions to make before Thursday night rolls around.

One decision we can declare: Tom Brady, you're dead to us. Jay Cutler's our starter.

DreamCrushers are going to be missing WR Michael Floyd, and while that might sting a bit he's still starting Andrew Luck and Julio Jones who have been monstrous with chucking bears into orbit this season. They could be due for a letdown, or at least we hope so. Jamaal Charles returns to the lineup, reducing Knile Davis's effectiveness. Does he go with Reggie Bush or Joquie Bell? Who gets the call for that open WR spot? Streaky Kelvin Benjamin? The veteran Steve Smith getting revenge on the Panthers? Fantasy mirage Brian Hartline who only scores when he's on your bench?

Until Chris makes those decisions, Yahoo! says we're evenly matched. We'll see if the People's Champ can continue our streak of 100+ point games, and whether averaging 100 points a game will be enough this week. Getting to 2-2 would do wonders for our chances of hitting the magical 9-win mark which has always guaranteed a playoff spot.

Renal Failure is your People's Champion and the holder of a 2-1 record in the FTWL with a 130-114 over SO ILL Jayhawks, and we're the top scoring team in that league (averaging a smidgen over 119 points a game). We have Andrew Luck in the FTWL so one way or another he's going to make us happy or piss us off in Week 4.

Good-ell Hunting

noreply@blogger.com (LOBO) — Sat, 20 Sep 2014 11:48:00 +0000

-LOBO, Predator Press

*beep*

"Hello, Mister Goodell? Goddamn it that bitch keeps sending me to voicemail. Sir, I realize this is a bad time with the Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson situation and all, but I really need Aaron Hernandez to be activated this week to defeat the scourge known as Joe Ohlstein. No, not the cool Joel Osteen, but the godless Joe Ohlstein that dresses like a woman in pagan ceremonies to win fantasy championships. I think activating Aaron Hernandez can repair your perceived lack of commitment to football. [*clinky*] Hey man, I just found seventy-five cents in this payphone -now I can call you back later this morning if I need to! Anyways, about that 'Redskins' controversy ... would it kill you to spot Kirk Cousins three hundred yards and two touchdowns and settle the whole thing? And hey ... why don't any players in the NFL know karate? I think the NKFL would be a-"

*beep*

Week 2 - Averaging 100 points a game and going 0-2?

noreply@blogger.com (renalfailure) — Thu, 18 Sep 2014 00:15:00 +0000

by Renal Failure

Some say it's like punching the very face of God...

The People's Champion find themselves in a 0-2 hole to start the season, thanks to running into the team who scored the most point that week, this time newbies Mile High Club put up a Week 2 high 144 points. But on the bright side we avoided being victims of the Biggest Blowout of the Week by just 4 points (thanks Chris and your Dreamcrushers! for being really bad). Also we put up a decent 100 points, even with Tom Brady shitting the bed again while Jay Cutler puts up actual numbers, and that would have beat 6 of the other teams in the HBFFL that week. Hell, even Yahoo! gave us a C-grade for our week while no losing team got above a D. So apparently we're the James Marsden's of fantasy football this season, where you know he's not going to win but damn it he tries hard and it's not really his fault and why can't someone put him in a movie where he gets the girl instead of that other guy?

We're still #1 in the hearts of the American people...

But it's not panic mode yet for the People. Sure, the only other time we started 0-2 was back in 2008 but we were rookies then. Fledglings trying to find our way, and we almost found our way into the playoffs with an 8-6 record that year. Now we're savvy fantasy football veterans with a reputation for going on long winning streaks and pulling out clutch wins. Future Ex-Cons started their 2012 championship season 0-2 so it's not a death sentence. In our glorious 2010 championship season, we started off 2-5. So 0-2 is not the time to panic. That comes later.

We're gearing up for Week Three with healthy food and fiber...

We get Meaty Clackers (1-1) in Week 3 who squeaked out a weak win vs. Future Ex-Cons seeing as Troi's squad is the only team in the HBFFL that scores less than the Clackers (Renal Failure is 4th in the league in Points Scored but dead last in Points Against). Aside from Nick Foles, no one really scares the People. Dez Bryant and Roddy White are unreliable. Are we to be afraid of Montee Ball and Travis Kelce? Maybe, since we never saw TE Delaine Walker putting up 27 points coming (outscoring everyone else on the team including Arian Foster and the New England D's 25 point orbital bears). We haven't been fucked over by a TE since Dallas Clark in '08 so this probably means we'll be drafting Delaine Walker for the next three seasons to prevent future instances of getting fucked.

So what do we got going for us in Week Three? Tom Brady is up against the Raiders, which means either he's going to throw a bear into orbit or all hope is lost and it's the Jay Cutler show the rest of the way. Jeremy Maclin and Zach Ertz can neutralize Nick Foles' numbers. Marshawn Lynch and Alfred Morris are consistent performers. Demaryius Thomas is back on track, despite Wes Welker returning. And Cody Parkey is the new Billy Cundiff (the old Billy Cundiff is kicking for Cleveland so he might as well exist), so we like our chances of getting our first win of the season.

Yahoo! gives us a 98-90 edge in this matchup but we're pretty sure we'll hit the magic century mark, but actually win this time. And with one win comes two wins, and the next thing you know Renal Failure's rattling off a win streak that reestablishes us as the team to shit your pants in fear over.

Renal Failure is the People's Champion of the HBFFL and the FTWL. Speaking of the FTWL, got beat in 97-84 by the Patroits and got a C+ grade from Yahoo! as if to say "Eh, your team's good enough for government work even in a loss."

Week 1: The People Stumble Out of the Gate

noreply@blogger.com (renalfailure) — Thu, 11 Sep 2014 00:17:00 +0000

by Renal Failure

42-point day for Matt Ryan? What?

Your People's Champion Renal Failure lost their opening game against the HBFFL newbies The Patriots 124-101, the biggest blowout in the HBFFL this week which shows how close games were in this opening weekend). The Patriots scored the most points in Week 1 out of any HBFFL team (even with starting suspended kicker Matt Prater), mainly due to Matt Ryan have the best game of his frickin' life, so we can't be too salty about this loss.

Matt Ryan - 42 point bear in orbit

But we can be salty about Tom Brady only bothering to play one half of football (14pts - come on, man, Jeremy Maclin got 17 and he only really did anything in the 2nd half vs. the Jags), and Jason Witten not bothering to do anything (1pt). Demaryius Thomas seemed like the only person not catching anything from Peyton Manning on Sunday night (4pts). We had Jay Cutler (26pts) and Zac Ertz (13pts)on the Renal bench, and if we had started them we would have pulled out a win but it's a brave or crazy man who benches Tom Brady, the man who invented throwing bears into outer space.

We got Ultra Beast Mode numbers from Marshawn Lynch (29pts), along with help from CJ Spiller's 12 and Alfred Morris's 9. Yahoo! says we had the highest scoring tandem of RB's in the HBFFL, but we were also 9th in overall scoring in the league so... meh. Still Yahoo! was nice enough to give us a B for our losing efforts, as if to say "It's okay, we know you tried your best, here's some ice cream."

"The point is... never try."

Patriots got way more out of DeMarco Murray and Vernon Davis than we thought. Serviceable days from Randall Cobb and Giovani Bernard kept the pace, along with the Carolina Defense. The only big disappointment was Eddie Lacy with 4 points. We'll see the Patriots again in Week Nine, where we vow to make them witness an HBFFL truth: Renal Failure is a beast in revenge games.

Week 1 is always a crap shoot, where you figure out what's working and what's not. And even then, what worked can always fall apart and what didn't work can finally start working later in the season. The point is, no one hits the panic button after Week One. Except for that one year when Canucklehead lost Tom Brady in the first possession of Week One. CRISIS!!!

Shit gets mean in Fantasy Football...

So going into Week 2 against another new team, The Mile High Club (0-1), we're confident things will turn around for us. Historically speaking, once Renal Failure gets on a roll, it's damn hard to stop us. We've turned seasons around before. And though Mile High is coming at us with the RB's we had last year (McCoy and Foster), we like our three-headed RB monster of Lynch, Morris, and Spiller just a bit more (though Yahoo! disagrees, giving Mile High a projected 100-99 edge). But Mile High's rolling with Tony Romo, and we're not losing to a team starting Tony Romo.

Renal Failure is the People's Champion of Fantasy Football. Yeah, we lost this week in the HBFFL, but we had a big win in the FTWL where we had the highest scoring WR's in the league. And we play The Patriots in the FTWL in Week 2 too. That's not ironic, but it sure is funny how that worked out.

Tactics

noreply@blogger.com (LOBO) — Sun, 07 Sep 2014 00:56:00 +0000

Predator Press

[LOBO]

It's Saturday night, and Tarken Hawkworthy, the Predator Press Offensive Coordinator, seems fidgety.

And perhaps rightly so. Saturday is the day he is supposed to clean out the Predator Press refrigerator, and the Predator Press refrigerator was recently discovered to contain the kidney I am saving for Kim Jong-il, and a five year old pastrami sandwich.