Humor, Comedy and Other Random Neural Firings by Joseph Simmons

Would You Like a Side of Sucralose With That?

2009-08-05T22:32:00.003-04:00

Dammit. I’m in the breakfast aisle in Publix, and I have no idea what the hell is good for me. I’m trying to eat more healthfully, but once I’m in a grocery store, I’m a complete tool. And reading the ingredients is no help, because for some reason it is always in Russian or French or some damn language that I can’t decipher. Well, I did once manage to memorize that high fructose corn syrup

Random Neural Firings on the Flight Home from Ohio

2009-03-06T17:24:00.000-05:00

(I flew back home to Florida today from visiting my sister in Andover, Ohio. As usual, I was running late and brought no form of entertainment to get me through the long day of flying. I decided to make random observations and write them on a little pad I found in my laptop bag.).First Flight:1. I’m waiting at the gate to board for my plane, and one thing I notice is how nobody talks to anybody

First-Ever Live Blog

2008-09-12T00:57:00.000-04:00

So THAT is Why Joe Hasn’t Been Blogging!

2008-08-23T01:16:00.002-04:00

Three days ago was the six month anniversary since my last posted blog here. From what I hear, you have to post quite frequently for a blog to be successful. Somehow, I doubt posting at the rate of twice a year is going to cut it. That’s okay. I’ve decided I’m alright with the idea of never being a successful blogger. I simply don’t have the desire to post that frequently. And it’s not

The Amazing Super Special London Blog with Pictures and Videos!

2008-02-20T11:19:00.002-05:00

As many of you know, I took a week-long vacation in London last month. That's right: the land of Big Ben, two-story buses, fish and chips, and a bastardized form of the English language is where I spent eight days and seven nights in the middle of January. It was an incredible experience to say the least. I've been asked several times when I will finally blog about it. I guess "February

Access Hollywood’s Pat O’Brien Interviews Me and Learns the Truth About Slow Joe

2008-02-13T11:18:00.004-05:00

Pat O'Brien: Hello, everyone. I'm Pat O'Brien of Access Hollywood, and today I'm here in Cape Coral, Florida interviewing up-and-coming humor superstar Joe Simmons, or as you most likely know him, "Slow Joe". Joe, how are you doing today? Me: I'm doing fantastic, Pat. O'Brien: Well, 2007 was fantastic for you. Your blog exploded in terms of popularity, you won a few contests, you have

So What has That Lazy Blogger Been Doing, Anyway?

2007-08-26T04:00:00.000-04:00

I apologize for the almost complete abandonment of this blog. A funny thing happens every time I try to crank this baby back up: life starts throwing tons o’ crap at me. A lot of it is self-inflicted. I’m happy and excited to announce that I’ve been spending a significant amount of time lately creating and developing material specifically for stand-up comedy. I’ve actually tried writing

Open Tryouts For the New Hottest Band in the World! (Fixed the Stupid Link)

2007-07-23T15:12:00.000-04:00

Now that I've shown you how to get rich by doing absolutely nothing, I've developed a foolproof way to become an incredibly famous rock star--with groupies and everything--without ever recording any music!See how you improve your life just by reading my stuff?("Rock Star" link goes to my MySpace blog.)

Why Microsoft Needs to Hire Me

2007-07-21T01:42:00.000-04:00

There is something distracting about a blinking cursor when you are trying to write creatively. Whenever I'm in one of my many bouts versus writer's block, I'll sit there looking at the screen, and the cursor will blink back at me with impatience, as if it's thinking, "Well? Still thinking? Not so funny today are you, Loser?" I think they* should change that. Instead of a blinking

Jesus Christ, Action Figure (Apostles Sold Separately)

2007-07-18T17:16:00.000-04:00

I read recently that Wal-Mart will soon be selling Jesus and other religious “action figures” designed specifically for children. Of course, being Wal-Mart, this surprises me about as much as another Bush Administration indictment. But I have to wonder: Who will be buying these things? Can you imagine the “playing” that will be going on in a typical household with these toys? Mom: “Timmy!

I Got Served

2007-07-14T00:19:00.000-04:00

Thirty-six. That’s my age, but a part of me basically refuses to believe it. And that is the part of me that decided to go play indoor volleyball last night. I should know better. If I had to describe in five words what my feeling was after playing volleyball for three hours, those words would be “Burning Thigh Muscles of Death”. Well, I suppose “Very Painful Lower Back Contusion”

My Big Contract Offer to Develop a Sitcom for NBC!!

2007-07-08T22:10:00.000-04:00

Sorry for going blogless the last few days. Though, there IS a very good reason: I just received a phone call about developing a sitcom for NBC!!**New readers: the link goes to my MySpace blog.

The Butt-Crack Postcard

2007-07-04T16:03:00.000-04:00

I just came up with a brilliant idea of how I’m going to become rich, and it involves my butt-crack. I got the idea from the three newspapers I find in my yard every week. Now bear in mind, I don’t have a subscription to any paper. I haven’t had one since about 1999, mainly because of the Internet. Who needs a newspaper when they give their crap away free online? It makes no sense.

"Phone Check!!"

2007-07-01T23:14:00.000-04:00

Blogged on MySpace again. But before you go over there, you MUST read the following disclaimer:WARNING: This blog entry contains genuine “guy talk”—the kind of conversation men absolutely NEVER have around women. If you are a woman and want to believe that men never have repartee like what you are about to read, turn away now. However, you would only be lying to yourself, because ALL men have

Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Dog

2007-06-29T18:54:00.000-04:00

Remember the movie “Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom”? One of the plot points of the movie was that Indy, the title character played by Harrison Ford, discovers a powerful stone called a “Sankara Stone” that, when put in close proximity with another Sankara Stone, magically creates a golden glowing light. We’ve made a similar discovery in my family. My dad and I each have a normal,

Evolution, Creation, Or Oil of Olay?

2007-06-27T23:39:00.000-04:00

The origin of mankind has been debated for as long as humans have had intelligent thought. While there have been many different theories as to how we came to exist, the two most popular are evolution and creationism. Evolution is the scientific theory, originally postulated by Charles Darwin, that all life started millions of years ago as simple unicellular beings and slowly evolved into

Self-Help Books Certainly Don't Help Me

2007-06-23T16:39:00.000-04:00

For the most part, I try to keep my social life out of my blogs. This is because I have a lot of good friends, and I’d like to keep (most of) them. However, I have decided to implement a new Statute of Limitations. From now on, I will post funny stories from my social life as long as: 1. It’s been at least 12 calendar months since the event occurred. 2. The story is not hurtful in any way to

A $100 Guarantee?

2007-06-22T14:21:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, I have to bribe my readers.(May look hauntingly familiar to some of my long-time readers.)

The Wasp Exterminator

2007-06-18T21:58:00.000-04:00

Due to the embarrassing nature of this story, I have to keep the person featured in it completely anonymous. So, no matter how many times you Loyal Readers ask, I absolutely will not reveal that it was my sister Lori. Whoops. I guess there goes that. Anyway, she called me today to tell me there had been a slight emergency in her household. It seems two wasps were flying around in the

In Case You Were Wondering Where I Get My Ideas From...

2007-06-16T15:27:00.000-04:00

Sometimes my body parts blog too.(Possible adult language, including a talking, uh, appendage.)_

Take Me Out To the Ballgame

2007-06-14T22:50:00.000-04:00

For those that are new to this blog, your loyal loving blogger has a younger sister with a similar smart-ass sense of humor. A lot of our conversations spontaneously become “contests” to see who can either: 1. Persevere the longest, or 2. Irritate the other the most Actually, it is usually a combination of the two. Anyway, what follows is a near-verbatim conversation we had on the

Cash Only, Please

2007-06-13T01:06:00.000-04:00

True story: When I turned 20, my grandma gave me a check for ten dollars. I worked full time and didn't have an ATM card, so the only time I could deposit the damn thing was between 5:30pm and 6pm on Friday, or get up early and deposit it on Saturday morning.Well, The only branch of my bank anywhere near my office was a few miles in the wrong direction in rush hour trafficI hate

The New Blog

2007-06-12T01:15:00.000-04:00

Welcome to the improved humor blog! Let me say right off the bat: The new design of this blog is not something I created. I had to use a blogger.com template. I have no clue how to design a website. I asked my sister, who has designed a few in her time, how I could make my own. However, as is usually the case when she answers one of my questions, I tuned her out and fantasized about Keira

My Apologies For the Lack of Blogging and an Update

2007-06-11T11:51:00.000-04:00

I am in the process of overhauling this blog. New layout, new format, new everything. Soon, there will be a new post almost every single day! I hope to have this completed by Friday, June 15th. Until then, please check out my other humor blog on MySpace. I have been blogging on there like a mother.Um...I assume doing something "like a mother" is a good thing.

Simulation (My First Ever Non-Humor Blog)

2007-04-27T01:06:00.000-04:00

Imagine that you are given the opportunity to enter a simulation program that allowed you to seemingly go back in time. You would be transferred into your young body during your senior year in high school, or possibly another time in your life you enjoyed. You wouldn’t actually be going back in time; since it’s a simulation, you could do anything you wanted without worrying about how it affects