HUMOR NEWS NUTS

2026-10-20T08:34:06.529-07:00

October 19, 2026

HUMOR NEWS NUTS ONLINE PUBLICATIONS

PRESENTS THE IMPORTANT NEWS FOR AMERICA

PUBLISHER

DRAGONS CAUGHT

Chasing the Planes

THE COLIN BROTHERS OF KALKASKA COUNTY SHOW OFF THEIR LATEST CATCH

2026-10-20T08:29:09.171-07:00

KC, Jeremy, Joe & Spanky The Two Headed Gator

"I'm Jeremy Colin in the middle, and to my right is little bro, KC and to my left is my big brother Joe. In front is a real Michigan 2 headed alligator. It is believed by people on social media that the reason our gators need an extra head, is that it is so cold in Michigan that our gators need to consume twice as much food, compared to other gators. This big guy in front here, we call Spanky. It is an ironic name since Michigan gators have no butt to spank. The lack of a butt is nature's way of preserving even more energy from waste, in this case, waste in the form of gator scat."

HUMOR NEWS NUTS IS A POITICAL MOUTHPIECE FOR CONSPIRACY NUT JOBS

2026-10-10T16:53:32.242-07:00

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Tim Colin
The government of France has accused The Humor News Nuts blog of being nothing more than a mouthpiece for the Space Alien Conspiracy Party. It is true that I and my brothers have in the past, volunteered to work for political candidates that run on the Space Alien Conspiracy Party platform. We hope that one day SACP will be a major force in politics. Then, once and for all, the many alien conspiracies discussed by people that think as we do will be taught as fact to the general population. And the mundane problems we have on planet earth (wars, famine, and climate change etc.) will all pale in comparison to the problems we can create once we begin to deal with intelligent creatures on other worlds.

In regards to dealing with intelligent creatures on other worlds, so far the moon creatures known as the Giant Leap have not retaliated for our hostile attack carried out two weeks ago. It is interesting that one of the scientists who helped to discover ice water on the moon has been recently arrested for spying. The government’s cover story as to why they launched the missiles was that they, the U.S. government, were trying to find water on the moon. Of course, it was really an attempt to knock out an anti-matter refining plant controlled by the Giant Leap. Well somehow the arrest of the lunar ice guy within weeks of blasting the moon where the ice guy said there was ice doesn’t hold water. We will continue to follow this developing story.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
The Dow Jones Industrial Average ended the week on a down note. Oil and other commodities seem to be climbing higher as the dollar weakens. Times are so tough and gold is so valuable that people in Northern Michigan are being mugged for their gold dental work. My brother Mike had his gold crown removed by a couple of guys with a pair of pliers. He really screamed at first but, I told him we’d share the cash with him. After that he just whimpered.

In these tough times, executive compensation has become a hot topic. Many people want to reign in executive pay. I’m told some executives make over $25,000 per year. This seems like a lot of money and it is but, it takes top dollars to maintain good help. No doubt, some Wall Street executives may not be worth a salary of $25,000 per year but, I suspect most are worth such an exorbitant sum. And, everyone I know aspires to making that kind of big money one day. Myself, if I made $25,000 per year I’d just work for two years and then I’d retire so I could enjoy my wealth.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Well it is being reported this week that the NFL wants to start playing some games in London England. I guess they’ll be serving warm beer and crumpets. The warm beer I understand but, what are crumpets? Are crumpets the same as lemon shooters?

With 1 win and 5 losses the Detroit Lions have secured last place in their division. Still they have won one more game than last year. They get to rest up this weekend.

In college football, Michigan has an overall record of 5 wins and one loss while Michigan State has 4 wins and three losses. In the meantime, Central Michigan has 6 wins and only 1 loss in the MAC. CMU easily defeated Western Michigan last weekend by a score of 34-23. This weekend they should easily bowl over Bowling Green. CMU leads the overall MAC conference this year and has one of the best records in college football. I smell a bowl game in their future. Go Chips!!!

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well it’s getting close to Halloween. During this season the barriers come down between our world and the world of the dead. The problem I’m having is that the dead won’t shut up. They just keep going on and on about their problems. Many of them are upset because their spouse or special someone has moved on to new relationships. Well, what do dead people expect? If you’re one of the living you just can’t wait around for Halloween each year so you can converse with your deceased significant other. You have to get out and live a bit. Dead people need to start going out with other dead people and cut their ties with their old mates. It should be like Patrick Swayze in “Ghost”. You just walk away into the sparkles or, get dragged off to the basement by little robed trolls. Of course poor Patrick is a ghost now. That is so sad. Anyway, get on with life you crazy spirits and leave your earthbound loves and myself alone. Besides, unless you’re a dead celebrity I can’t make any money off of you by selling your secrets to the rag magazines.

OUTDOOR NEWS
By Mike Colin
The Salmon had a strong run this year. The rivers were full of Coho especially and I have a freezer full of fish. My dad wanted to trade some of his road killed raccoon for some of my salmon but I said “No Way!” Don’t get me wrong. I do like some types of road kill. When I was a kid my parents would feed me anything they scraped up on the highway in front of our house. Now that I’m older I only like Venison, muskrat, bob cat and, wild turkey road kill. Besides, you don’t want to eat any road kill my dad cleans because he tends to leave a lot of pieces of pavement in the meat. I just lost a gold crown so those little pieces of stone really hurt if I bite down on them just right.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Carrie and Sherrie
Carrie: Most blogs and news outlets are reporting the balloon boy hoax as entertainment news. It is I suppose entertainment news if you are a moron. It is like having to go listen to Hannah Montana sing with my 11 year old sister. The Disney people need to serve some type of stiff drinks to the adults that have to sit through an HM concert.

Sherrie: You know I think I would have made a good Hannah Montana. I can’t sing but, I can dance around pretty good.

Carrie: Well this year vampire movies and TV shows are the craze. Unfortunately most of these movies and shows are not too good.

Sherrie: Most of the vampire stuff is just silly. I wonder what people would do if they ran into a real vampire.

Carrie: I know what I would do. I’d say please Mr. Vampire; bite my fat twin sister instead of me. She could stand to loose a few pounds.

Sherrie: I’m not fat! And no vampire would touch my twin sister unless they like the taste of Clearasil.

Carrie: Now let’s not get personal.

VAMPIRES HAVE RAVE AT THE GRAVE BEFORE HEADING TO CANCUN

2020-02-20T02:52:00.000-08:00

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
It is election 2010 and as Editor of this blog I think I speak for everyone here when I say that we don’t care!!! We don’t care because it does not matter who you vote for because nothing is going to change. As my late Uncle Rev. Bobby used to say, “Those who can pay have all the say. Those that don’t have to pray.” Now Uncle Bobby was a lay preacher so he knew something about prayer. I’m sure he was praying right before he got beaten to death by that one ladies husband. Of course the All Mighty let Uncle Bobby down when he let that woman’s husband out of work early that night.

Although we don’t care about elections overall there is however, one candidate that we are endorsing at this blog. The candidate is Bill M. Oron who is running a campaign to be elected President of the United States in 2010. He should have an easy time taking office since he is the only person running for President in this election cycle. Bill is running as an Independent since his unemployment has run out and he does not have the money to pay to join any political party.

Bill is qualified to be President since he is 23 years old and you only have to be 21 years old to run for President in Michigan. In addition, I can personally vouch for the character of Bill M. Oron. I’ve know Bill since High School and he is quite a guy. He would crack up even the teachers when he’d put straws up his nose and do an impersonation of a walrus.

In addition to a sense of humor Bill was always popular with girls. He had a girlfriend of some type all the way through high school. He got married a month after he graduated and was a father a few days later. Since his marriage Bill has been an outstanding family man. He does not beat his wife or kid and is usually on time in paying child support, unless he goes to the casino.

Another quality that Bill has is that he does not drink and drive since he lost his license last August. He is also good with animals except for that incident with that ladies exotic bird. That case won’t go to trial until after the 2010 election at which point Bill will be able to pardon him. Now in Bill’s defense his attorney is going to make a case that the cockatiel had it coming to her when she kept parading back and forth in front of Bill when he was homeless, starving and, living in a dumpster. Bill was very anemic at the time and had become delusional. He thought the cockatiel was a stray cat. He admits he never tasted cat that tasted so much like chicken.

Overall, Bill M. Oron has all of the qualities that most of our politicians have, particularly those that run for high office. One thing I can tell you about Bill is that he has never taken a bribe in his life. Of course he has never had anything anybody wanted. Even the local pawn shops have banned him from coming in since he always brings in the most worthless crap.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
In business news: I was forced by the prosecutor’s office to stop giving people tours of local quicksand bogs. It seems many people have come up missing during the tours. I told the prosecutor that they just disappeared. I said I finally got wise and started making sure that I was always paid in advance.

In other business news: I think that if you’re interested in what the stock market or real estate market are doing then you must be delusional. You’ve lost all your money already so you’re going to have to forget about retirement and go do something else for the rest of your life. The big box stores always have job openings for greeters and, if you happen to work at a store that sells appliances you can probably get a nice cardboard box to live in. If you happen to work at a store that sells cheap wine then, you will have a way to forget about how much dignity you lost because you were so stupid when you invested your money with Wall Street bankers.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Rotten Apple Core (TRAC) is on track to become the next professional association of athletes covered by Sirius Radio. Our championship game will be broadcast every Halloween from coast to coast and internationally for the next four years. We will be sponsored by Apple Cider Beer Brewers of South Africa which is the largest cider beer brewer in North America.

For those of you who are ignorant of the game known as “Rotten Apple” it is played just like dodge ball except you use rotten apples in place of your balls. Players try to knock off opposing team members by hitting them with a rotten apple. If you are hit by a rotten apple then you are out of the game.

This sport has caught on so much in popularity that there are leagues forming in Canada, Brazil, Russia and, China. In March of 2011 there is going to be an international conference to settle on some uniform rules for the game. I just hope they don’t sissy the game up by not letting you aim for an opponent’s eye with the apple stem. Wearing things like helmets and crotch protectors would also take away from the tough guy image associated with the game of “Rotten Apple”.

MICHIGAN NEWS
By Mike Colin
Younger Brother of the Editor
Well it’s getting pretty chilly up here in Northern Michigan. The local vampires are getting ready to fly to Cancun for the winter. Several local vampire bars have already closed for the season. Before all the vampires take off for Cancun they will be having a “Rave at the Grave” party on Halloween. The party lasts from dusk until dawn and everyone, mortal, immortal and, immoral should have a really good time. The band called Heavy Drinking Vampires is going to provide the entertainment. There is no admission price at the gate to get in however; a donation of about two pints of blood is advisable. If you don’t give at the gate they will probably insist that you make an even larger donation of blood latter on in the evening. If you are intending on making the larger donation then you should say goodbye to your family and friends before you go to the rave because the next time you see them you won’t look at them as your family and friends; you’ll look at them as your next meal.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mystic Psychic Madam Misty Merkel
I will be so glad when all those old vampires take off to Cancun for the winter. They don’t know how to drive. They come up behind you with their expensive sports cars driving like a bat out of hell and then tailgate you like you’re supposed to drive over the speed limit so they can go faster. They even try to pass you when there is a double yellow line in the road. It is just like they don’t care if they get killed or not. These vampires also don’t seem to care if they kill anyone else.

Another thing I hate about vampires is that when they’re around you have to wear those heavy scarves laced with garlic powder every time you go out at night. If you forget to have garlic around your neck before you know it some vampire is right there trying to give you a hickey. I mean I don’t mind it so much when it’s a guy trying to bite my neck but, I am really not into chicks getting that familiar. And, of course up here in Michigan there must be ten female vampires for every guy vampire. Honestly, I just wish these vampires would just stay down in Cancun year around.

OBSERVATION CONFIRMS: CATS REALLY DON’T HAVE NINE LIVES

2020-02-20T02:50:00.000-08:00

HUMOR NEWS NUTS 2012 FEBRUARY IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin

According to all the 2012 presidential candidates, we are going back to the moon. In fact, we will have a permanent colony established there by 2020 and perhaps the moon will become a state. If the moon does become a state several futurists have come up with some new names for this state. By futurists I mean of course my friends at the bar. One futurist I know thought the new lunar state should be called Lunaria. I and the other futurists thought that that name was stupid so the Lunaria guy shut up for the rest of the night. I think he was mad or something. Another futurist who was born in Texas thought the new lunar state should be called Texmoonous. That really did not sound too bad but I thought my idea of naming the moon Moonishigan sounded better but, nobody else thought so. Finally, the name Looneymoon was settled upon as the best name for our new 51st state in the union. BUSINESS NEWS By Tim Colin After listening to the presidential debates it is obvious that by 2020 the moon will replace china as the new number one powerhouse of economic growth. After all, there are at least 7 billion moon men and none of them have products like the Nphone, Nintendo Wii or, any kind of Ronco gadgets. And, how could they have ever heard of cubic zirconium or diamondniques when they probably don’t have access to the Home Shopping channel. Of course they might have satellite TV so maybe they can buy stuff but, who in the world (literally who in the world) is going to deliver the stuff. My point being is that these moon men are going to want a lot of our stuff so the market there will be tremendous. I am also pretty sure that the labor there is really cheap. Maybe we could sneak some of these moon creatures onto our world to work as domestics and gardeners. Although, from what I’ve seen through the telescope I don’t think any of them has a green thumb for gardening. The moon seems like kind of a dusty place so there might be a bit of retraining to do for lunar immigrants when it comes to house cleaning. SPORTS NEWS By Tim Colin Since we will for sure be going back to the moon and have a colony there by 2020, I would like to begin now franchising golf courses designed specifically to take into account the very special attributes of the moons surface and lack of gravity. Let’s face it, “Putt, Putt Golf” on the moon would have to be as large an area as an 18 hole golf course if you take into account how far a golf ball just putted on the moon will go. Of course windmills would be out on such courses because there is no wind. Regular golf courses might be as large as the state of Wisconsin with pools of mercury substituting for water ponds. Of course with such large courses renting golf carts by the mile would be the sensible thing for any businessman to do. And, setting up air stations every few miles with very high air rental fees would also be something a prudent businessman would design into his lunar golf course. A very high air deposit fee might also be given to a golf patron with of course the deposit refunded should the patron hold his breath all the way across the fairway and then return the air unused. I feel it is always good to give a customer an optional way to save some money. MICHIGAN OUTDOOR NEWS NUTS By Mike Colin Well, February in Michigan is a lot like January in Michigan excerpt you don’t have any more Christmas presents left to return to the store in order to have some cash to hang out with. Picking up road kill for dinner is slim pickings in Michigan during the month of February because the critters don’t move around much so the pickings are slim and the seagulls are out at the crack of dawn visiting the roadways for carrion. Seagulls are like the top of the chair for road kill carnivores with man coming in a distant second or maybe third or fourth. It is hard to face but if evolution and the survival of the fittest were really true then we’d all be taking orders from those noble chickens of the sea known as gulls. PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel When I looked into my crystal ball this month to see how February was going to turn out, all I saw was white stuff. I thought we were going to be in for some really bad snow storms but then, I saw my girlfriend Pam who was sitting on the opposite side of the table from me had gone to use the bathroom and had left her cigarette smoldering in her empty coffee cup just behind my ball. Once Pam had come back from the bathroom and reclaimed her cigarette then the white stuff disappeared and I saw clear cold skies as the future for the month of February. SCIENCE NEWS By Gerrard I have always heard from people that cats have nine lives. Well, my cat Tigger proved to me last week that cats do not have nine lives even though Tigger, in human terms, lived to be 110 years old. Well, 110 seems like a lot of years however, many more people today are living to be 100 years old or even older. So, for Tigger to have nine lives he would have to live to be close to 1,000 years old (in cat years). Of course maybe he would have if he had not been playing in the street after I had told him for the last 110 cat years of his life that he should stay in the yard and never go out in the street.

ALIEN VISITATIONS: TED'S INTERVIEW WITH PROFESSOR IMA HAVADATROTS

2015-01-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

by Ted Colin
Associate Reporter
Humor News Nuts Publications

Well, the holiday is over and everything should be getting back to normal but, I have recently been informed by world renown Frederick Michigan Community College Professor Ima Havadatrots that aliens have left behind definitive evidence that proves their presence. Following is my interview with the esteemed professor.

Ted: “Professor Havadatrots, are you prepared to definitively say that aliens have visited our world and if so, what is your evidence?”

Professor Havadatrots: “The evidence is definitive that we have been visited right here in Northern Michigan by persons from another world. You see just the other day as I was picking up beer cans and bottles along Highway I 75 I spied with my little eye some most unusual garbage. It was really colorful with a type of sheen on it that I have never seen before. Now this refuse came in two different shapes. One was that of a platter or plate ant the other was much like that of a cup. Upon examination of the trash I found that unlike human earth plates or cups which are made out of natural earth materials such as paper or Styrofoam this garbage was like a plastic material. I of course knew at once it was not plastic because it came from an alien world. I.m sure aliens have materials much different than plastics to make plates and cups out of.”

Ted: “So Professor, what did you do with the alien “cups and plates”?

Professor Havadatrots: Well Ted, I picked up and stuffed an entire plastic garbage bag with the alien plates and cups and sent them off to NASA for analysis. I hope to hear back from them anytime on the molecular structures of the alien materials.”

Ted: “What if NASA is unable to identify the molecules of your alien plates and cups?”

Professor Havadatrots: “Then I guess I’ve discovered a new material and I will make a lot of money. My guess is that the material because it comes from outer space is completely resistant is infinitely extremely high temperatures. Therefor, I envision that all futue generations of spaceships will have their hulls made up of the red, white and blue materials that make up the alien plates and cups.

THE BIG HACK ATTACK

2014-12-20T20:18:00.000-08:00

by TIM COLIN
SENIOR EDITOR/PUBLISHER
HUMOR NEWS NUTS PUBLICATIONS

I have just been following the big hacking story involving a fellow media giant. It seems that because of a particular movie's release a foreign government has hacked into the IT network of a major company and is at this moment posting pilfered information to the internet. Much of this information is supposed to be about celebrities like Angelina Jolie. I for one have been scouring the internet for pictures but, I haven't found any pilfered photos of any major star. I did find a picture of General Patton in a tank top. (LOL). I will continue my investigation of pilfered celebrity photos.

In regards to the moral and legal issues of hacking into a media outlet's stored data all I have to say is that HNS has been hacked several times. In fact, if it weren't for hackers we probably wouldn't have any visitors to our websites. We may be famous but, we're definitely not popular. It's just like in high school when everyone knows who you are and they avoid you. Knowing the truth about other worldly beings makes for a long and lonely life.

So, I don't mind the attention my publications receive from hackers at all. I even enjoy spam. In fact, the only e-mail I receive is spam and I don't knock spam because sometimes you can get really great deals from spam ads. I can hardly wait until I've scraped $500 around to send in so I can get my free trip to Bermuda. It's a limited time offer so I'm going to have to sell something fast to raise the cash.

As far as who hacks into our computers I can tell you that we've been hacked at least once by a major foreign government. I can't tell you the name of the government online but, I'll give you a really big hint. The government that hacked our system is a nuclear power and it has at least one letter (A) in its name.

Now, the hack by this government (whom I will refer to as "government A") was quite substantial. We are pretty certain that government A was after information regarding aliens from outer space and they went deep into our oldest system (powered by a Commodore 64). Unfortunately, government A downloaded a version of a Ping-Pong game that had an old computer virus attached to it. This old virus was immune from all the modern anti-virus filters and infected the entire defense network of government A and all the other major nations who were hacking government A's computer system. The result was that all the defense computers in the world adjusted their warfare strategies to match those of a Ping-Pong player. Of course if one player or the other were to miss the little electronic ball being batted back and forth then, all the missiles in the world would simultaneously launch and every life form on earth will die.

So, the results of this hack almost caused a global thermal nuclear event. Fortunately for the world, little Patty Ellenberger who delivers our paper and also maintains our computer system, was able to hack into government A's defense computer and create a loop in the Ping-Pong game so that every hit by one paddle would result in a save and a hit back by the paddle on the other side thereby, thwarting a catastrophe. At least the catastrophe is thwarted as long as the loop remains running. Of course this means that every major nuclear power has people sitting in a war room watching a giant black and white screen with an electronic ball being slowly batted from an electronic paddle on the right to an electronic paddle on the left and then back again.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS

2014-10-31T14:08:00.001-07:00

HOW I TRICK OR TREAT
by Mystic Madam Misty (Murky) Merkel

Well, it's Halloween season again and time to go out trick-or-treating. This year I'm going to dress up to look like a little kid because the ones who dressed up like little kids last year seemed to get more candy. People giving out candy would often let the ones that looked like little kids take whatever they wanted while when I reached into the candy bowl they'd say something like "Just one for you," or, "aren't you a little old to be out trick-or-treating?" And, some people just pulled the whole candy bowl right away from me and said "Get out of here you old bat." And, I wasn't even dressed like a bat let alone an old one. I have always dressed up like a glamorous vampire I call Dracolina.

Well, this year I'm just going to dress up like a little fairy princess and I'm certain that will get me a bigger load in my candy-sack

Now, I've been trick-or-treating for over three decades and the one thing I have learned is that you only want to trick-or-treat in the better neighborhoods. In the better neighborhoods almost everybody gives out candy and usually it's the good stuff like chocolate eyeballs or juicy fangs. People in nice neighborhoods are usually social climbers and don't want to look cheap in front of their neighbors. Of course you should avoid neighborhoods made up of senior citizens because they'll just give you things you don't want like a doughnut hole or bruised apple. Some seniors will drop a penny in your sack but, it just isn't worth ringing the doorbell on a hundred senior condos just to end up with a buck at the end of the night. I could do better cruising the pick-up windows at Burger King and picking up the stray change that drunk people drop on the ground at four in the morning.

I have one last bit of advice for you Halloweeners: NEVER TRICK-OR-TREAT AT TRAILER PARKS UNLESS YOU NEED TO FILL UP YOUR MEDICINE CABINET.

I once trick-or-treated my trailer park and ended up with 16 rolled joints, 8 grams of cocaine' 28 Vicodin, 19 bottles of cough medicine and a meth-lab. Of course my entire neighborhood was being raided that night and everyone was trying real hard not to violate their paroles or get caught doing something illegal when they still had tethers attached to their ankles. Of course, I supported my neighbors by turning all the illicit stuff over to the cops in exchange for a case of peach schnapps.

Now, I must get going and to all you Pumpkin Night Worshipers, "HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN."

ALIENS HAVE BEEN HERE; HUMOR NEWS NUTS PRESENTS THE EVIDENCE

2014-01-01T00:00:00.001-08:00

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Associate Writer
Humor News Nuts Publications

Well, the holiday is over and everything should be getting back to normal but, I have recently been informed by world renown Frederick Michigan Community College Professor Ima Havadatrots that aliens have left behind definitive evidence that proves their presence. Following is my interview with the esteemed professor.

Ted: “Professor Havadatrots, are you prepared to definitively say that aliens have visited our world and if so, what is your evidence?”

Professor Havadatrots: “The evidence is definitive that we have been visited right here in Northern Michigan by persons from another world. You see just the other day as I was picking up beer cans and bottles along Highway I 75 I spied with my little eye some most unusual garbage. It was really colorful with a type of sheen on it that I have never seen before. Now this refuse came in two different shapes. One was that of a platter or plate ant the other was much like that of a cup. Upon examination of the trash I found that unlike human earth plates or cups which are made out of natural earth materials such as paper or Styrofoam this garbage was like a plastic material. I of course knew at once it was not plastic because it came from an alien world. I.m sure aliens have materials much different than plastics to make plates and cups out of.”

Ted: “So Professor, what did you do with the alien “cups and plates”?

Professor Havadatrots: Well Ted, I picked up and stuffed an entire plastic garbage bag with the alien plates and cups and sent them off to NASA for analysis. I hope to hear back from them anytime on the molecular structures of the alien materials.”

Ted: “What if NASA is unable to identify the molecules of your alien plates and cups?”

Professor Havadatrots: “Then I guess I’ve discovered a new material and I will make a lot of money. My guess is that the material because it comes from outer space is completely resistant is infinitely extremely high temperatures. Therefor, I envision that all futue generations of spaceships will have their hulls made up of the red, white and blue materials that make up the alien plates and cups.

MISTY MERKLE ON DECORATION DAY AND A PREDICTION
By Psychic Madam Mystic Misty Merkel
Well, my memorial day was not so good. You see the last Spanish-American War veteran in the family (he fought on the Spanish side), my great great great uncle Herkle Merkle died last summer and in his will he insisted that if his great grandson Benny was going to inherit the farm then Dear old ancestor Herkle had to be burried on Decoration Day. Well, Uncle Herkle died in August so it was gong to be a time before he could be laid to rest. Now his descendent Benny Merkle could not afford to keep is ancestor on ice at the funeral parlor for that length of time. So Benny kept Private Herkle Merkle in his own freezer out in the garage. Well things would have been ok but Benny got a deer during bow season last year and then got another deer during rifle season. So, Great Granddad Herkle Merkle had to go somewhere else.

Now the old farm happened to have a root cellar just a few feet down from the outhouse and well. Of course Benny being a Merkle was quick thinking and stuck great grandpa in the root cellar just on top of the potatoes that Benny kept in there for the winter. Of course things would have been fine if it had stayed below freezing until Decoratin Day this year but we had a really warm month in March and that meant that there would be no open casket at the funeral. In fact no one would have come close to that funeral except that Benny raised herbs on his farm so my great great uncle who fought for the Spanish in the Spanish-American war was laid to rest on Decoration Day smelling like sage, chives, oregano and garlic.

After the funeral I stopped off at the bar for a beer and I didn’t realize it but the smell of the herbs got into my cloths so several people at the bar asked me for my recipe for spaghetti sauce.

Well, after I got home and broke open a fresh bottle of Mogen David I started to see the future. It seems that the stock market is going to go the way of my romantic life, in short the stock market is going to not work out too well for those who have faith in it. I also see politics to be nothing but a big bouncing ball. And, every time that ball bounces it is really going to hurt.

THE LATEST TECH
“TEETS”
By Gerrard
I just invented this new social forum to communicate with on the internets. I call it “TEETS” (TOTALLY ENORMOUS EXCITING TRANSCRIPTS). With Teets you can communicate with up to 8 ½ words (That’s the number of toes I have). Now, each word can be up to 11 letters long (that’s the number of fingers I have if you count the big wart on my left hand’s little pinky). I believe that “TEETS” will really catch on and eventually become a trillion dollar IPO.

So, try out my “TEETS” and see how many of your friends you can get to try my “TEETS”. Personally, I hope to really milk this idea.

1114

WINNER OF THE MICHIGAN PRIMARY IS COLONEL JOHN J. FRUITCAKE

2012-03-02T02:00:00.000-08:00

HUMOR NEWS NUTS

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Associate editor
Last week we learned the identity of the winner of the Michigan Primary. This by itself is very unusual in the State of Michigan since normally election results are kept secret. It’s part of our Constitution. In the Michigan Bill of Rights the only enumeration is that “What The People of Michigan Don’t Know Won’t Hurt Them”.

Well, last Tuesday history was made in Michigan when the winner of the Michigan Aluminum Foil Hat Party was announced at Dietrich Muller’s Ski Lodge and Bowling Alley Plc. The winner of the election was Colonel John J. Fruitcake III. Of course the title “Colonel” in this case is not an earned military title but is an inherited title going back to Corporal John J. Fruitcake -II who was shot as a deserter during the Civil War. It seems Colonel Fruitcake’s family couldn’t spell “corporal” so the title colonel was allowed to stick

Now I hate to brag but I was able to interview Colonel Fruitcake III after he was announced the winner of the primary election. I caught up with the Colonel at Dietrich Muller’s Ski Lodge and Bowling Alley just aster the votes had been recounted twice at 9:02 p.m. which was two minutes after the polls closed. Colonel Fruitcake won the primary with just a narrow margin of just two votes. To the point, the Colonel won with 3 votes over his opponent who got just one vote. Personally, I voted for his opponent but I will support the overall party winner in the general election.

The first question I asked Colonel Fruitcake was “How does it feel to be the front runner in your bid to be at the top of the ticket to run against President Obama?

“Well,” began the Colonel,” it was a long hard slog but in the end, I beat out my opponent known on the ballet as “Other” by going door to door throughout the entire trailer park where I live. I even drove two old people to the polls to get their votes. I also had to take mom and dad out to get groceries so it worked out.”

“Now where did the Aluminum Party start and what does it stand for?” I asked.

“Well, as you probably know that back in the 1990’s when people were revolting against the Beetles invasion in Boston by dumping Chinese tea at the Salem Witch Trials my ancestors were wadding up cheap Ohio made aluminum foil and dumping it in the Flint river. Of course the reason my ancestors did this in the distant past was because they knew that cheap aluminum foil would not protect their brains from alien mind control. And, by alien I don‘t mean humans on earth who happen to traverse across arbitrary human boundaries that support leachy elites known as national governments. I mean the really truly evil aliens that come from the darkness of deep space. In other words, the only real aliens are life forms that come from other worlds. In other words and to answer the last part of your strange question; People of this World Unite against the evil creatures that come from places and dimensions that our minds cannot comprehend.”

Now after that speech I really wish I would not have voted for “Other”.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
Editor
“Beware gift horses that kiss your sister on the mouth.” I don’t have any sisters that I know of so I don’t really know what the aforesaid saying means but, I think that the stock market must have some relationship to the statement since although the stock market has been going up and up lately sooner or later it will go down.

The stock market is like a tree. It grows and grows and grows and then when one night you fall asleep, the next door neighbor cuts down the tree and sells the wood and his cousin who is the deputy sheriff arrests you for cutting down a tree without a permit. Life is full of these examples so, I just wish I was taught to be sneaky as a kid and I didn’t have to learn it through the college of hard knocks.

Maybe the government should pay for such an education. Lying and Stealing 101 should be a required class in order to get a college degree. Certainly High School students should have this kind of class. Maybe starting the Lying and Stealing educations should be started in kindergarten like the alphabet and numbers. It can then become progressively more detailed as each student progresses through school. At the end of all educations should be an understanding of insurance based equity-swapped bail bonds which is the currency our modern society is based upon.

OUTDOORS NEWS NUTS
By Mike Colin
Brother to the Editors
Last week I went out to Southern Bedar Valley which is just west of Grisstone Michigan. Of course the North end of the valley is full of really nice million dollar homes but, the southern part is not full of such homes but it is still beautiful there.

The one thing you have to watch out for around this valley is that there are a lot of guys with guns who stake themselves out around all the little cricks, lakes and, ponds. They are really defending their fishing territory because every time you get a little bit close to them they shoot their guns off three times. Evidently, that is to warn people away so you don’t screw up their fishing. One funny thing is that these guys always have the silliest looking ferns around them. These ferns come up in rows like they are planted by a farmer. The other funny thing is that these guys never have a fishing pole, they just have guns. Boy I’d hate to be them if a Department Of Natural Resources officer showed up and found that they were fishing with rifles, shotguns and machine guns. I still don’t know what the silly plants are that seem to grow in rows where these fishermen are stationed.”

PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
Somebody broke into my trailer and stole both of my balls, Of course a powerful mystic like myself does not really need balls in order to se the future however, showing off my balls to my clients gives their experiences with me a certain ambiance. That ambiance is worth about $20.00 since without my crystal balls my clients will only dish out $5.00 instead of the customary $25.00.

Well, not to bother my readers with anymore of my personal or financial problems I just have to say that this month there will be such an interstellar boom that the NASA people will be railing back on their little twin moons and all thinking that the end just might be .near.

U.S. PAYING WAR REPARATIONS TO THE MEN OF THE MOON

2012-01-02T13:00:00.000-08:00

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
Well our nation has finally capitulated to the demands for war reparations from the occupants who live beneath the lunar surface. The twin spacecraft that entered lunar orbit last New Years Eve are not there to survey what lies beneath the moon but instead are there with valuable cargo which must be delivered to the moon creatures in order to keep them from destroying our planet.

As has been recorded in previous editions of this seldom published news magazine, the United States lost the initial war with the moon creatures. Then President Obama ordered a nuclear strike at the lunar poles in order to measure the amount of water that flew up into the atmosphere. In fact finding water at the poles was just a cover story for what was a thermal nuclear attack which failed miserably. It seems the moon men have perfected the art of constructing force fields that can withstand anything theta our great military can throw at it. It seems the scientists on the moon grew up watching star trek and remembered the secret to constructing force fields that was reviled in episode six in during the forth season of the show.

Ironically, the fourth season was never shown here on earth because the show was cancelled in the third season however, the fourth season was beamed into outer space by project Betty using microwave technology. Project Betty was the precursor program to Project Setti, Project Betty tried to send messages regarding how powerful but enlightened the people of this planet are. Project Setti has since that time been waiting for someone to send a signal back to us. Of course there is great debate amongst scientists as to whether or not we should have used the Star Trek TV show to show beings on other worlds how we earth people behave and how advanced our spaceships are both in terms of speed and military capabilities. Some scientists believe that pretending that our civilization is as advanced as the one on Star Trek is just about like lying to the whole universe. These naysayer think that if aliens ever do stop by the earth they might think that we are nothing but a race of lying, deceitful creatures and the space aliens might just disintegrate our whole planet just for wasting their time.

There are other scientists who believe that pretending we are more advanced than we are to the galactic community is a good thing. They point out that there are most likely a lot of hooligan species out there roaming around the galaxy looking to plunder worlds with unsophisticated technologies. There maybe whole planets full of pirates out there just beboping around looking for trouble. The problem with any type of advanced techno bullies is that we really have no defenses against beings with the ability to travel across solar systems let along galaxies and maybe across the whole universe. While we try to master the finer points of the “Rock, Paper Scissors “ game our alien friends are playing games like “Projected Plasma Disintegrator, Encrypted Tachyons, Singularity Grenade.”

BUSINESS NEWS 2012
By Tim Colin
Editor
In the past few years the prices of homes, stocks, bonds, municipal bonds and, copper have crashed. The fact is that most things that people invest in have lost most of their value. In short, most people who worked and saved money all their lives are now just as broke as those who never held a steady job or saved a penny. What’s worse is that those who worked and saved are now in need of expensive health care because by working so hard they have worn out their minds and bodies. While the hard working savings oriented people are lying in the cardiac ward the rest of us will be sipping fancy coffees and eating pizza pies and of course, living into our 80‘s or 90‘s. So, to the millions of hard working savings minded people all I have to say is “Suckers.”. .

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Editor
The lions. Wait until next year. Literally, they might just be the team to beat in the Superbowl. The only sport in Northern Michigan worth noting now is snowmobile stranding. We locals love this sport.

What some of the locals up here do during snowmobile season is figure out the nasty places where snowmobiles are likely to get stuck along designated snowmobile trails. This spot could be a place with lots of outcropping rocks, or a lake or pond or maybe even a bog full of quicksand. They then set up signs along these designated snowmobile routes that lead down state persons directly into our snowmobile traps. Of course they just sit by the wayside waiting for someone to enter the trap and then demand lots of money to get said person and their machine out of said trap.

OUT DOORS NEWS NUTS
By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
It is sad to report that a large man from Livonia was prowling around in the woods here in Northern Michigan looking for wild pigs when he was attacked by a lizard creature. This lizard creature is believed to be the one known as “Lizard Man” by the locals and has a voracious appetite for pork products. This creature has reportedly attacked trailer parks and stolen bacon and stole a pig from a Haitian luau party. He has even gone so far as to attack a truck filled with several hundreds of pounds of pork product. He has even been known to snatch away pet pigs.

Sheriff Coffee of Roscommon County states that “ Although this ‘lizard man’ has taken off with live pigs, roasting pigs and, pork products such as bacon, this is the first time the creature has actually attacked a human being.”

When pressed upon as to why a human was attacked by the “lizard man” Sheriff Coffee referred the press to Under Sheriff Doughnut. Under Sheriff Doughnut stated that the man who was attacked was very heavy set and was trying to lure in wild pigs by shouting “Oink” at 14 second intervals. It seems the man has had good experience calling in wild pigs down in Livonia using such a call-in approach.

After getting all the information I could from the authorities I decided to go ahead and track down this “Lizard Man” monster myself. I immediately found the man who was attacked at the closest tavern to the hospital that had treated him. He was not seriously injured although the Lizard had taken a chunk of meat out of his belly. Evidently the lizard was not Canadian otherwise he would have gone for the less fatty meat.

I decided to follow-up on the information that Coffee and Doughnut had given me by getting the story directly from the victim. The victims name was Mr. Randy Sydney Sow. When I approached Mr. Sow at the tavern I immediately noticed that he was naked from the waist up except for bandages over a large area of his belly. I also noticed he smelled a lot like one of those 24 hour breakfasts joints. The closer I got to him the more I noticed that he smelled just like the pancake place I had been to earlier that day. Mr. Randy Sydney Sow smelled just like freshly fired bacon. So, after I introduced myself I could not help but to ask him why he smelled so much like bacon.

“Well the thing is I went to this tanning joint last night and I fell asleep. I was in that tanning booth four hours before the lady who runs the joint came around and woke me up. It did seem at the time that I smelled kind of funny but she thought I smelled really good. I guess women are attracted to the smell of bacon. I’ll remember that the next time I want my wife to be on the romantic side. I’ll just burn my old skin up really good and that will make her love me. I could have had a lot more girlfriends in high school and college if I only knew then that women don’t want a good looking guy, or a rich guy or even a smart guy. The only thing a woman wants is a man who smells like breakfast.”

Of course I realized that the reason for the attack on Mr. Sow was because he smelled like bacon. I therefore ended my interview and am now just awaiting the next attack upon man or pork before I once again have to investigate the “Lizard Man”.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
A lot of people are getting ready for the world to end in 2012. One reason people believe the world ends in 2012 is because the Ancient Mayans left a calendar for us in the modern day, in which the world ends on December 21st 2012. Of course one problem with this end of the world theory is that no one today actually speaks ancient Mayan. Where the Mayans use to live I believe people speak Spanish so how does anyone really know what the Mayan calendar actually predicts. So, I decided to channel the ancient Mayan high priestess to see when exactly the world would end.

Now, the name of the high priestess of the Mayans is Charlene. Her father who had been the high priest before her wanted a boy and had picked out the name Charlie for him. Well, his child was a girl so Charlene was the name she got which is similar to Charlie. She did tell me that everyone called her Charlie as her nickname.

“So Charlie, when is the world going to end?” I asked.

“Well you see Madam Misty,” she began, “The world is not going to end in 2012 as most people believe. These modern eggheads at your universities have completely read the undo of the world date wrong.”

Charlie stopped for a moment and took a sip of the Mogen David wine I had given her. I always offer visiting spooks Mogen David wine because after being dead they really appreciate a nice sweet wine that goes down easy. After all, the dead are used to sucking down dirt which is really bitter so a sweet wine gives them pleasure and makes them feel like they are still alive and of course the alcohol makes them talkative. “In fact Madam Misty the professors at your universities have misread the date we have ensconced in stone as the day the world ends. Your brainy people have interpreted the Mayan calendar to set the date of the end of the world as December 21, 2012. In fact, the world ends on October 12, 2021. It seems that smart people in your time suffer from the disease our doctors use to call dyslexia.”

“That’s very interesting,” I replied. “But, What causes the end of the world?” I asked.

“The end of the world is really sad, Madam Misty. You see in the state of Michigan there will be this pig farmer named Johansen. Now it seems that Johansen has always entered the pig contest at the fair every single year since he was a little boy. Of course he never got the blue ribbon for having the biggest pig at the fair. Well, by 2021 Johansen will have a boy of his own who is entering a pig at the fair in the pig with the most weight category. Now Johansen is determined that his son should win the blue ribbon so he devises a scheme to make the boy’s pig become really huge. You see Johansen knows that only a third of what a pig eats turns into pork and the rest of the food goes out the back end. So Johansen decides to cork the back end of the pig up really tight so that everything the pig eats goes into weighing up the pig for the fair. Johansen then has truckloads of baked goods that bakeries and stores have thrown out trucked into his pig farm. The pig then began to eat. Well, over the course of months the pig gets bigger and, bigger and, bigger until he is as big as the state of Michigan. Now Johansen figures his son is surely going to take home the blue ribbon and might even set a record for the being the worlds largest pig. So Johansen sets about having trainloads of discarded backed goods hauled into his pig farm. Then his pig got bigger and, bigger and bigger until the pig was as huge as all of Canada but still, Johansen wanted to make sure his son would win the blue ribbon so he contracted for giant containerships to deliver vast quantities of discarded backed goods from every bakery and store in the entire world. Of course the pig then got bigger and bigger, and bigger until it was as big as all of North America.”

“So Johansen’s son must of won the blue ribbon at the state fair,” I said thinking that the story seemed to have a happy ending. “He must have been quite the happy boy. I bet his father was really proud as well.”

“Actually no, the boy did not win the state fair and no one knows what Johansson’s last thoughts were,” Charlie continued. “For you see before the judges at the fair could check out the final weight of the Johansen mega pig there was an incident. It seems that someone little 2 year old girl named Sandy was playing down in Tijuana which is where the backend of the monstrous pig was situated and little Sandy decided she would give a little tug on the cork. Of course the cork had so much pressure behind it that just a slight tug was all it took for the pig to really open up. Well, I don’t think I need to paint you a picture of the aftermath. Needless to say the entire earth became uninhabitable for millions of years. Every single species of beast and flora became extinct all over the earth. Of course after millions of years the earth was colonized by alien farmers who found that this planet had the richest soil in the universe.”

“Oh that poor little girl,” I observed.

“The little girl was actually the only survivor of your species” responded Charlie . “You see the initial blast out of the pigs backend was so great that the little girl was blasted off into outer space with a methane bubble protecting her from depressurizing in outer space. At least she survived a few minutes until an alien space craft picked her up and took her away to another world where she was raised like a little princess.”

Well, once the wine was gone the Mayan high priestess was gone as well. I guess that according to the Mynas we are going to have to wait a few more years until the world actually ends. But, 2021 is really not that far off so maybe we should all start preparing for that now. I’m going to start buying canned goods to store because I’m sure toward the end of days there will be a lot of chaos which leads to food shortages. One thing though is that I wont have to worry about expiration dates on my canned goods being beyond the year 2021. Already most of the canned goods I buy are at the dollar store and the dates are in some kind of code and you have to call a 1-800 number to find out what date the code references. I tried calling the 1-800 number once but, the person on the other end of the line spoke complete gibberish which I could not understand. I think they must of been a politician moonlighting as a real working person..

SPACE NEWS
By Gerrard
Writer
I just hope that in 2012 I can get abducted by aliens and taken to some exotic world full of great looking girls who are more interested in a guys mind then what he looks like. I think that an intelligent guy like me could really settle down with a nice alien lady and maybe our kids would have super powers or magic powers or at least have some animal like abilities like being able to run like cheetah or jump like a kangaroo you know, something like that.

Of course our kids would have my business that they could take over and run while I’m all vacationing with their beautiful alien mom. I wonder if somewhere in the universe there is a place like Hawaii that I could take my alien sweetheart. I think I’d go on a permanent vacation there and let the kids pay me dividends off my business. My business is (in case you didn’t know) the raising and selling of rats to high schools and colleges. I raise extremely intelligent rats that are used in psychological experiments. NBC may even make a weekly reality/game show using my rats called “Am U Smart Are Then a Rat?” I think the guy producing the show is some sort of southern redneck but hey, I don’t care. Redneck money is still green. I did hear that in the pilot show the rat won every round so the producers had to edit the show otherwise some in the human audience might take offence to seeing a rat always beating out a human in intelligence.

Myself, I know how smart rats are because they always beat me at checkers. A couple of them tried to teach me how to play chess but I just can’t remember how all the pieces move especially those horses. Do horses more two squares forward then slide to one side or slide one square diagonally forward then slide straight forward one square? I don’t know. I just can’t remember.

.

SAY GOODBYE TO UNCLE OSLO: HE WENT OUT WITH A BANG

2011-12-13T14:18:00.000-08:00

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Well it is almost official. Nearly every state in the union is working to pass some sort of law to test future presidential candidates to see if they are really human or, if they are some sort of alien avatar that is seeking to suck out our brain cells and replace them with seed pods. It is of course too late to do anything about people in congress. Most of them had some kind of acid reflux disease in college which rendered them incapable of holding down a real job. Many people believe that it is impossible to get the attention of our congress. I disagree. Just shine some headlights at them and they will stand there and stare into the lights for hours.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
I hate it when Ted gets all political in his columns. Then, I have to read more e-mail complaints then we even have readers. So, for all you people out there who enjoy staring into headlights for hours, I most humbly apologize.

It seems that the stock market is not doing well because some countries over in Europe are about ready to go all 1970’s South America and declare bankruptcy. I guess things are so bad that the U.S. sent past Columbian dictator Manuel Noriega over to France to straighten things out for the Europeans. “Firing Squads VS the guillotine” should be a pretty good show for some histories greatest warriors cable show. Noriega and his firing squads and the French and their guillotine might sound good when you read it on the TV channel but, I think I’d put my money on the firing squad.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Mike Colin
The greatest outdoorsman I have ever known has died in a tragic underground explosion. I am of course talking about my Great Uncle Oslo. Uncle Oslo was a hunting and fishing maverick. He invented new ways to hunt and fish faster than the government could pass laws to ban them. Thanks to Uncle Oslo you can no longer hunt geese using lawn jarts or, use horse shoes to hunt chickadees. His electric chair for the snow shoe hair was once featured in “The Alternative Hunter Magazine.” He was also on 60 Minutes before he went to jail for helping his friend, Dr. Kevorkian.

The local police believe that Oslo was blown up by a still he kept hidden in an old bear cave. My aunt told me that in fact, Uncle Oslo was getting ready to go fishing and was busy making up some home made dynamite when the explosion occurred. My dad said Uncle Oslo would be alive today if he had only stuck to the old family recipe for making dynamite instead of downloading one off the internet.

There is some good to come out of the tragic death of my uncle. It seems that Uncle Oslo never told anyone as to whether he wanted his remains cremated or buried after he died. Well, since his body was instantly vaporized in the blast and then the ashes were buried when the bear cave caved in, one way or the other my uncle’s final wishes have been carried out.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Psychic Madam Misty Merkel
Well, I think next month is going to be hot. Talk about hot; I just got back from those desert states down south and out west. After a few days in that heat my turkey timer popped up and I was done. I also lost my life savings in Los Vegas. It will probably be another seven years until I can squirrel away another $100.00.

I was also the victim of the new racial profiling law in Arizona. I was not profiled because of my skin color. I’m so pasty white that the local funeral home calls me three times each week to see if they can drop by and pick up the corpse I have at my trailer. At first I thought it was the neighbor kids’ crank calling me again but, when I hit display on my phone and called the number back sure enough, it was the funeral home that had called me.

Anyway, I was targeted in Arizona by a hotel detective because of the clothing I had on. It seems that people in that state don’t like people who wear University of Michigan T-shirts at hotel lounges. Besides harassing me about my tee, this hotel cop accused me of stealing towels and toiletries out of my room and even off the cart of one of the cleaning ladies. Well, I agreed to return the towels and split half the toiletries with the cop. The toiletries are fruity smelling and are really too low class for this lady anyway. Of course after returning the towels I’m going to have to find mom another gift for her birthday.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
The movie Avatar was released on DVD. I guess the movie is really good but, I can’t watch it. Every time I watch a 3D movie I get a nose bleed. It seems the 3D effect makes me so sick to my stomach that I always throw up. Of course, the person I throw up on gets really mad and pops me and that’s when my nose starts to bleed. I’m afraid that Avatar has so much 3D effects in it that I’d most likely need a blood transfusion by the end of the movie. I’m just going to have to wait until Disney makes Avatar into a cartoon musical before I can see it. I do like Sigourney Weaver though so, I’d like to try and chance it and go see the movie anyway. Then, I start to remember how I hate to waste food, especially all that buttery popcorn. But, I just can’t bring myself around to eating popcorn that looks like someone sprayed strawberry jelly all over it.

THE LEAKERS ON CAPITAL HILL

2010-12-29T13:00:00.000-08:00

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Tim Colin
It has been reported that we have a government full of leakers. I confirmed that we have a lot of leakers in Congress by talking to a custodian at the Capital. Over the phone he told me that the custodial staff was constantly mopping and wiping up the messes that the congressmen leave behind. It seems that many of the elderly law makers have problems getting their diapers changed before they have s seepage problem. Of course the custodian I talked to said that the elderly legislatures have far fewer problems than the younger ones. It seems the younger ones often have drinking problems and get confused as to whether they are at their favorite bar/ brothel or trying to hit the shrubs under their hotel window. The custodial worker ended the conversation by saying that cleaning up after the leakers is hard on the capital staff but, it was still better than the poor guy that has to shine their shoes.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Ted Colin
My pay toilets in the woods business has gone bust. It seems I did not understand that people have no problem relieving themselves in our great outdoors for free. All I can say is that if you go into a woods that has no pay toilets that you had better watch your step.

It is now illegal in many states to sell coffee mixed with beer in stores. It seems coffee and beer mixed makes some people very sick. I guess that’s why people throw up when you give them coffee to sober them up. I do wonder how people drink Irish Coffee. Maybe whiskey is more calming to the stomach than beer. Maybe the states just need to raise the requirement of the alcohol content of the coffee/beer drink and that would make people feel better.

OUTDOORS NEWS
By Mike Colin
This is a great time of the year to set snares. I’ve been setting snares since I was five years old. I’ve never snared anything but, this year is going to be different. In the past I’ve always set snares for small animals like squirrels and my brother’s guinea pig. I decided maybe a larger beast might be easier to snare. So, I decided to go over to my Cousin Lester’s house. My cousin can’t find a job and still lives with his parents on a farm. Lester is only 12 years old but he already has a pet buffalo named Sandy. The buffalo stays mostly in a coral next to the chicken coup.

I decided to try snaring Sandy with some hard to see mono-filament 10 lb. test fish line. I set out a snare and by gosh sandy was snared for a couple of seconds. Sandy easily broke the line but, I had confidence that I could now snare an animal. I next got some laundry line cord and set a snare. I tied cord to the chicken coup support and set the snare down directly in front of Sandy. Sandy walked right into the trap and sure enough she was snared. Unfortunately Sandy did not stop walking when the line was tight and Sandy ended up pulling loose the chicken coup support and down went the chicken coup with chickens and hay flying all over the place. My aunt and uncle did not ask me to stay for supper that day. In fact, they didn’t say anything to me at all. They acted like they were real mad about something.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Ted Colin
The Twicks and Tweed Trout Ice Trip Triple Triumph is an ice fishing festival held each year on Nicky Lake. It is sponsored by Twicks and Tweed Tracking and Tackle Inc. It is held starting at midnight on the last weekend in November and this last weekend I had a great time there.

I showed up at just about midnight last Friday night and watched as about 300 anglers and snowmobilers started to make their way out onto the lake. At first glance I thought that the lake was still open with no ice at all on it. An old timer told me that there was open water but just a few inches below the water’s surface ice had formed. I didn’t want to get my feet wet so I just hung back as the rest of the people started to move off shore. Soon, I noticed that everyone that went out on the lake was swimming and struggling to get back to shore. It occurred to me that maybe that ice was a lot further down below the water’s surface than what the old timer had thought.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
No, I am not related to the big shot lady over there in Germany. My family came from Kalamazoo Michigan. As far as I know my family always lived in Kalamazoo. My ancestors were going to Kalamazoo high school long before Einstein ever invented Germany.

Even though I am a Kalamazoovian and not a German, I do like to go to the festivals in Hankermuth every year. They always have a lot of polka bands so it’s a great time to literally kick up your heels. They have great food in Hankermuth too. I also like the Polish festival they have each year way up in Raydar Michigan. I have a great time there too. One of my former husbands I found there at the Polish festival. Unfortunately, I found him with another woman.

The stock market should go up a little bit next month. If gold keeps going up I’m going to be pulling my back teeth out. After all, its better I get the money than some undertaker. I found out about undertakers stealing teeth from a lot of upset spirits that have been visiting my dreams lately to tell me about their stolen teeth. Evidently, gold teeth are like a get out of hell free card after you die. According to my sources heaven really needs money. Heavens been running deficit budgets for years and they need the gold to pay off their debt to the Chinese. They just don’t make anything in heaven anymore. Even the production of their harps and fancy gowns are outsourced to a company in Indonesia. To top it all off Heaven bought several quadrillion dollars of Mortgage Backed Securities from the U.S. Treasury.

I hate it when dead accountants show up in my dreams and burden my brain with all that financial stuff. I have trouble figuring out how to pay the lot rent where my trailer sits let alone being worried about the fancy finance of rich people, living or dead.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
‘Ts the season,” for lots of movies. I just wish they’d let me bring my own pop and pop corn to the cinema. I could watch two movies for the price of the dog gone pop and pop corn. One thing I do like about theatre popcorn is the extra butter option. Butter is one of those things you just can’t get enough of in life. A lot of times that hot butter poured over the popcorn are the only reason to finish watching some of those really crummy movies. All those romance movies have the women all crying into their hankies while the guys are stuffing their face with popcorn and every guy is just wishing the movie would end. Popcorn is a guy’s comfort food when the movie is making him feel really uncomfortable.

The new “Tron” movie is really good but, it kind of brings back some bad memories from my childhood. You see my father was absorbed into the Internet and has never returned. My mom told me the story of how my dad disappeared back when I was still in grade school.

The story begins with Al Gore and his invention of the Internet. At that time Al Gore was just a Senator so he had lot’s extra time to spend as a mad scientist working in the field of astrophysics. Al Gore was the person given credit by historians as the person who created the Internet but, it was really my father who made the ultimate sacrifice so that billions of people could communicate and be entertained with just the click of a button.

Before my father made his sacrifice communication via a very crude Internet connection was difficult and nasty. Al Gore used his vast knowledge of the space/time continuum along with his psychic abilities to predict weather patterns to construct a parallel universe to this one. This parallel universe is still used for the transmission and reception of all signals over the Internet. Fiber optic cable and other transmission lines are really just a rouse perpetrated by the government and technology companies so that people make payments to be hooked up to the Internet when in fact every cable guy knows that the Internet is not a system of cables and routers but is in fact a separate universe from our own to which any computer can be connected without any type of signal enhancer or cable. In order to connect to this other universe and hence the Internet all the cable guy does is press down “Alt” on the keyboard and triple click the mouse at the same time.

Al Gore found that in order to setup the Internet he needed to have a hook-up done in the alternate universe. My father at the time was a TV repairman and he really bought into the idea of an Internet that could stream football games anywhere anytime. When a note was put up in the break room where my dad worked asking for a volunteer to travel into an alternate universe and hook up the Internet my dad did not hesitate to volunteer. He was the only volunteer so he was chosen to go.

I almost remember the day he said goodbye. My mom told me that whatever happened that he would always be out there. My mom was later told by a government guy that my dad disappeared into the Internet but, never came back. It seems that my dad was tuned into trillions of photons and sent into the alternate universe to make the hook-up to this one. It was estimated that after one hour my dad should have the job done. At that time the “Alt” key was to be held down and the mouse was supposed to be clicked three times. Well, everything went as planned. My dad vanished into the Internet and after an hour a computer geek was ready to extract my father from the alternate universe. The geek pressed down the “Alt” key but, because he had been drinking coffee lattés all day the geek was jittery and did about fifty clicks instead of three. Well, my dad was gone and no one was able to find him again. They told my mom that my dad most likely disappeared into the trillions of bits of information sent over the great Internet.

I still think my dad might come back. Sometimes I go down into the basement and do an “Alt” triple click on my keyboard. I just wish I could afford to hook up to the internet.

BILL M. ORON IS THE WINNER OF THE 2010 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION

2010-11-05T10:08:00.000-07:00

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
Well the big elections are over and some political party won and some political party lost. At this publication we were only interested in the independent candidate that we had endorsed for President. That candidate was a Northern Michigan local known as Bill M. Oron. Mr. Oron is an outside the beltway candidate that espouses his various political philosophies after downing a half dozen pints of beer. Mr. Oron is certainly very different from all the other politicians. For example, Mr. Oron is the only candidate for the presidency who wishes to deport all the space aliens that have come to inhabit our planet and steal its precious resources. “Earth for Earthlings” is his slogan. Everyone has to admit that all the policies the major parties fight over are completely unimportant when it comes to our planet being invaded and conquered by aliens from other worlds. Some of these space aliens may even want to eat us. I’ve heard that we Earthlings taste like a combination of veal, chicken and, pork. I wondered what happened to Cousin Dale when he disappeared right before my families last Christmas dinner. Often times I loose relatives when there is a big family get together that requires feeding people a lot of meat. It's a good thing people in my family have lots of kids.

In regards to this last national election, Bill M. Oron would be our new President if only 2010 were a year in which the U.S. President is chosen. It seems that the next presidential election is in 2012. The previous election was in 2008 and the one before that was in 2004. What kind of pattern is that? How does anyone know when they should run for president when the presidential elections are placed in randomly picked years? You would think that elections would be in years that end in either “5” or “10” so that people would not get confused. I guess that the reason we have just a two party system is because the two major parties are the only ones that know when the next election is going to take place.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
Editor
Are you tired of receiving all those utility bills in the mail? Are you sick to death of seeing cut-off notices for your utilities lying all over every table and desk in your home. Are you feeling low because you can’t pay those bills until your doctor says that the disease you got from the girl you made out with on the beach last summer has gone away enough so you can sell your blood again? Well, I have a remedy for all your problems. Just install a wood stove using the low cost wood stove conversion kit that I have patented and am selling for just $19.99. With your own wood stove, you can just take all your utility bills and burn them without even having to look at them. You can also ignore all those letters from the health department regarding the romance disease you caught last summer and might be spreading to your kith and kin right now. In addition to literally sending your problems up in flames, you will be making your home nice and toasty and the ladies just love to sit in front of a nice warm fire.

Now the conversion kit itself is just $19.99 and can be used with any empty five gallon bucket. Just follow the directions and install my patented conversion parts and you will have a nice operational wood-stove. Now I have stated that any empty five gallon bucket can be used however, I should tell you that metal buckets work better than plastic ones. Plastic buckets will give you a huge flame and throw off plenty of heat but, it seems there is a chemical breakdown in plastic when it is heated to the point of becoming fuel. This means that plastic wood-stoves are only good for one burn. Usually, most people are able to salvage the conversion kit for reuse after of course the fire department has left and the insurance investigator has taken some pictures of the fire and water damage done to your home.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Editor
How about those Detroit Lions? Enough said. I just won a silver colored paper Mache medal for my outstanding athletic prowess in the sport of extreme tether-ball. Of course the goal of extreme tether-ball is the same as regular tether-ball: that being to slap a ball on a string which is attached to a pole so hard that your opponent cannot stop the ball from circling around and around the pole so many times that the ball runs out of rope and kisses the pole. In extreme tether-ball the ball has four six inch razor sharp spikes on it located about 90 degrees apart. So, points are really secondary in extreme tether-ball. What you really want to do is to put someone’s eyes out. The goal is similar to extreme lawn jarts where you want to stab your opponent so bad that he has to go to the hospital.

Of course putting someone’s eyes out during a game might seem somewhat extreme but, here in Northern Michigan we have several well trained mad scientists who just love to replace normal human tissue with that of some animal that was found as road kill. I for one have had the eyes of several different animals over the years. Currently I have a badger eye and an eye from a Chinook salmon. Having really messed up animal eyes is actually a great way to start up conversations with the ladies that you meet at the bar. Chicks really did a guy that has the eyes of two different dead animals. In fact, women would all tell me to “get lost” and that I was some sort of a “creepy jerk” but, since I’ve be playing extreme tether-ball and getting a new set of eyes after almost every match, they now say that I have “mysterious eyes” and that they’d like to get to know the real man behind my beautiful animal peepers.

OUTDOOR NEWS
By Mike Colin
Associate Reporter
Chipmunk Hunting in Northern Michigan
Well, chipmunk hunting season has begun in Northern Michigan. This year there are a few new rules to follow while hunting chipmunks. This year the taking of antler-less and spike horned chipmunks is strictly prohibited and anyone found with a doe or spike horned chipmunk in their possession is subject to a fine of no more $1.99 per violation and an incarceration of not more than 19 hours. You might also receive a suspension of your chipmunk hunting license for up to three days. People ticketed for multiple violations withing a twenty year period could also be banned from chipmunk hunting in Michigan. Hunting chipmunks in Michigan is a privilege not a right.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
My prediction for November is that sales will be really good for retailers and a lot of turkeys will be worried that sales of those deep fat fryers for turkeys had more than doubled every year for the last ten years. Of course the turkeys would not worry so much if people would remember not to drop into the boiling fat those live turkeys that the kids got way back in the spring for Easter. It’s really kind of cruel to raise those turkeys up like they were your own kids and then on Thanksgiving take them out on the back deck and throw a quarter in the boiling grease and stank back and watch as the poor turkey dives to a boiling death for just a quarter. I remember at my ex-husbands parent’s house someone threw a quarter into the pot and half of my husband’s family dove into the boiling grease. It was a good thing that my ex-husband always had several jars of Vaseline in his car or a lot of those people would have been scarred for life.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrad Maintenance Man
I can’t afford to go to any theaters to see any movies so I just watch whatever comes on at the bar. Mainly that’s sports in Northern Michigan so, that’s o.k. with me. I did get some entertainment when there was this big fight at the bar last weekend. This one nice looking blond accused this other girl who happened to be brunette of having a relationship with here husband. I guessed by the way the blond hit that brunette in the head with a chair that the relationship had nothing to d with being a relative. Finally, the brunette retaliated by hauling the blond girl into the bathroom and into an open stall where the brunette stuck the blond girls head in the toilet and proceeded to flush the toilet several times. I almost felt sorry for the blond girl since I got a lot of toilet head swirlies in my day but, most of the time it was always a girl that gave it to me. In truth, most of the time is was mom.

IZZY AND THE SNOT DRAGONS

2010-09-02T05:46:00.000-07:00

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Hurricane Gilligan is really gaining strength in Lake Michigan and will soon hit the coast of Little Manitou Island. This will be the sixth hurricane to hit Little Manitou Island this season. The Skipper, The Millionaire, His Wife, The Movie Star, And The Rest, was all named Lake Michigan Hurricanes that struck poor Little Manitou Island. The animal called the Manitou is an endangered species here in Michigan although; there are millions of them in Canada. In fact, in Michigan the Manitou used to be Manithree but, soon they may become Maninone.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
The stock market has been fluctuating a lot lately so I’ve been going to the casino. Every Saturday morning I pick up beer cans out in back of the county building where the judges and officials park. I then turn in the cans at the gas station. Then I take my found money and head to the casino. I usually lose most of my money but, at the end of the day I have enough to buy something to eat. That is certainly better than putting your money into a 401k.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
Our local minor league baseball team, called the Beach Bums, has done really well this year and will most likely be in the playoffs. So good luck Beach Bums.

The Detroit Lions are currently playing a game resembling football so; I don’t want to jinx them by saying too much. I guess this year most of the players understand they were hired to play football and not dodge ball where when you have the ball you immediately try to throw the ball at your opponent and try to hit him with it. In dodge ball you of course have to stay well away from the ball if someone throws it at you. The lions have been the undisputed champions of dodge ball for several years. In addition to playing dodge ball well the lions have observed the rules to dodge ball in most of their games. For example, physical contact with the opposing team is illegal in dodge ball and the Lions defense has followed that rule quite well over the years. In the defense of past Lions teams perhaps, the players on the other teams had cooties. Well, like I said I don’t want to bring up past Lions teams in case it might jinx the current team. I do wish the Detroit Lions well this season.

PSYCHIC NEWS
IZZY AND THE SNOT DRAGONS
By Madam Mystic Misty Merkel
When you live in a trailer park like I do you come across all kinds of strange stuff like dead people, werewolves, vampires, killer snakes and space aliens. Other than what I just mentioned, people in trailer parks live pretty much normal lives. The one exception to that rule is the late Izzy Snotkowski.

Izzy is a local legend here in Northern Michigan. Back in the 1980’s he had a heavy metal band called Izzy and The Snot Dragons. Izzy’s band went on tour all over the world and opened for such bands as The Nooner Specialists and Telly Titus and The Sea Monkeys. In fact, Izzy had an awesome band and I went to see them several times. There was always something special in the air at his concerts. His music is said to have transformed many a young mind. I think that maybe my psychic abilities grew out of my experiences at his live concerts on the green in downtown Grelickville.

Now Izzy was not only a magical man when it came to heavy metal music but, he was also a biker. He was especially good at performing stunts at local fairs and backyard functions like birthdays, weddings and getting home from prison parties. One day back in 1989 my boyfriend (soon to be husband and former husband) got out of jail and his parents through him a big party on their farm. My boyfriend knew Izzy really well so Izzy was honored to perform a stunk on his bike at the party.

Izzy and my boyfriend went way back so Izzy decided to do something special for entertainment at the party. My boyfriend’s parents had a railroad track that went right across their farm and every evening at 8:15 p.m. a train would run through the farm. Izzy decided his trick would be to run his motorcycle up to the track and then jump on the track right in front of the train and run his motorcycle ahead of the train for a quarter of a mile and then jump his bike off the track before the train ran over him. Well, the stunt went badly from the get go for as soon as Izzy’s bike jumped onto the track the train hit him which turned Izzy and his Kawasaki into sushi.

That was the most tragic get out of jail party I had ever attended. It is ironic that the tragic end to poor Izzy foreshadowed the tragic end to the relationship that I and my boyfriend had for the day after the accident my boyfriend and I got married and we hated each other every single day afterwards. Just thinking about that man right now makes me want to break something and then call the cops.

Anyway, Izzy used to have a trailer over on lot nine. Because the trailer was haunted by Izzy’s ghost no one would rent it so, Izzy’s family burned it down one Halloween night and collected the insurance on it. The fire was blamed on a neighbor kid named Justin and Justin spent a few years in the pokey for it. It seems Justin was known in the neighborhood as the kid who liked to play with matches so everyone assumed that he was the arsonist who burned down Izzy’s trailer. This is a clear warning to all the kids out there that you should not be caught playing with matches or you’ll be blamed for burning something down.

What really sealed Justin’s fate was when the jury found out that Justin wet to bed. They assumed he was an arsonist since everyone knows that people wet to bed in an attempt to put out a fire they started in a dream. Playing with matches and bed wetting got Justin five years in Jackson penitentiary.

After the charred remains of Izzy’s trailer were hauled away someone else rented the lot and put a brand new trailer on it. It was not long before that trailer too was haunted so the owner and his family abandoned the trailer in the middle of the night. Several more trailers were tried out on lot nine but everyone moved out within a few weeks. Finally, the last trailer that was abandoned lies empty to this day. The only thing is that every night at midnight the entire trailer park can hear Izzy ripping through chords on his electric guitar like he did before he became a ground hamburger with Kawasaki shoestrings fries along side the railroad track.

In the trailer park we have come to view Izzy’s late night riffs as a sort of trailer park taps. It’s goodnight to the day and goodnight to all those old heavy metal bikers

OUTDOORS NEWS
By Mike Colin
The squirrels are plump this year and the old guys around town have really thick whiskers so it’s going to be a hard winter in Northern Michigan. The Lumberman’s Almanac predicts stuff is really going to get deep up here in Michigan. The head of the Back Forty Whisky Still Keepers Association said that he knows the upcoming winter will be long because when his still blew up last week he could not see his shadow. In fact, he couldn’t see anything until he came too after being in a coma for three days. The doctors said the still explosion didn’t cause the coma but it was what the guy drank before it exploded that caused him to pass out for three days.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
Well summer is over and it’s time to go back to school. My mom told me that it was time for me to go back to college and get a career. She said I should be out living above ground instead of in her basement. She even cut my allowance in half to try to get me to get serious about getting a “real life”. I told her I had lots of friends on Facebook and Myspace but, she said it was time I outgrew my Dungeons and Dragons stage of development and met some real people in the real world. I told her I watched Real World every week.

Well, I tried to enroll at the college but, all they had left was some culinary classes. I didn’t know what type of culinary class to take until I found one called Ginsu Knives for Ninja Warriors. That class sounded kind of cool but before it started I was told that the number of students was too great so I was cut from the enrollment.

Well, enough about my personal tragedy for I must now talk about the movies. Of course since my allowance has been cut in half I can’t go to the movies anymore so it is hard for me to comment on them. All I can do is comment on the trailers I see on TV. From the trailers all I can say is who are all those old guys playing heroes and why are they in better shape than I am?

HUMOR NEWS NUTS EDITOR ON THE RUN FOR LEAKING

2010-08-06T08:08:00.000-07:00

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
I am afraid I must confirm that my brother Mike Eugene Colin is a fugitive being sought for publishing here on this blog details regarding our secret war with the moon monsters known as the Great Leap. It seems the war went very badly for our government. We even nuked the moon’s North Pole to try to destroy our adversary. You may recall the so called bombing of the moon to try to find water that our government carried out a while back. Shortly thereafter it was announced that Americans would be banned from ever returning to the moon because of the expense. In fact, aliens from outside our solar system intervened in the war and convinced us that we could still look at the moon but, we must never go back there or else…

There is now an international manhunt for my brother and I don’t know exactly where he is located. I know that he is staying with our cousin Bubba Boy who lives at 20127776661313 (this is a rural Michigan address), Monroe Rd. in Freeland Michigan. I am just not sure whether my brother is staying in an upstairs bedroom or if he has to sleep in the basement.

Now if I were asked to give advice to the Swat team that was going into my cousin’s house I would advise them to just take a blow torch and burn the whole thing down. It‘s over 100 years old and should go up like a match. It has 100 year old wiring so it is going to burn down anyway and this would give the government a way to deny burning up the suspect. Just blame the fire on bad wiring.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Gerrard
I was asked to write this column while Tim is being hunted down for being a traitor and letting out information about our secret war with the moon men. I knew Tim’s big mouth would get him in trouble one of these days. I knew when we published information about the war with the moon things there would be heck to pay. After all, this was the only blog site in the world that was covering that war. Even after we covered it, no one on the planet picked up on it. Of course no one on this planet reads this blog but, evidently we are widely read throughout the rest of the universe. When Washington got the call that a galaxy class star destroyer was on its way here to vaporize our planet then it did not take them long to go after our esteemed editor Mr. Tim Colin.

Well, I wish my boss Tim luck but, if he gets gunned down by international authorities in Moscow or some where else that’s cool, I really like his desk which I am sitting at right now. He had a pretty nice looking chair but I’ve gained a little weight this summer so the chair might need a little reassembly work.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Mike Colin
My brother Tim usually writes this column but, he might be riddled by bullet holes by the time this is published. It kind of serves him right because he doesn’t believe that my girlfriend is a vampire. He says she is just some crazy girl that likes to drink blood to impress her friends. He does not understand how much I miss her and hope that she comes back to Traverse City one of these days. I sometimes spend the day downtown watching college girls playing volleyball. This really helps to take my mind off of my girlfriend.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Mystic Misty Merkel
My psychic powers have been completely screwed up lately. My abilities to communicate with the dead are really messed up. I tried to contact my aunt Maud and got my ex-husband Hot Rod Todd. Hot Rod liked his cars and women to be fast but, he did not like to find a job too fast so our relationship did not last.

Old Hot Rod is really hot these days since he ended up in a place where the sun don’t ever shine but, it’s a great place for a cook out if you like a little volcanic lava to wash down your brats made out of sulfur. O course his breath always smelled like sulfur anyway and all those breath mints he ate to cover up his breath gave him diabetes. He literally ate himself into the grave trying to keep his breath from stinking.

In addition to my abilities to contact the dead being messed up, my ability to predict the future is also giving me problems. A couple of days ago I made the prediction to various ladies in the trailer park that Oprah would be preempted and would be shown an hour later than normal. Boy did I get that one wrong. All the ladies in the park got really mad at me. So many of them started to doubt my psychic abilities that I had to run a two for one special on palm readings. If business gets much worse I might have o run a 10 for $10 special. Maybe I should print up some dollar-off coupons instead. After all, dollar-off coupons work for pizza joints. Who knows? Maybe with advertising I could franchise and roll out my psychic joints all across America.
THE HOLLYWOOD REPORT
By Gerrard
Nothing really to report on this summer. Hollywood is busy releasing a lot of chick flicks and teeny bopper love stories and not much in the way of guy movies. We want to see more movies like Star Trek or Aliens. I would not even mind seeing a good Western or a really violent mobster film. Where have all the good movies gone? Hopefully they’ve gone to the fall of 2010 and we won’t have to wait long for their release.

OUT OF DOORS NEWS
By Mike Colin
I don’t have time for this column this month. The summer coed volleyball championship games are about to start down at the beach so, I AM OUT OF HERE!

SPECIAL NOTE FROM HOUSELAND SECURITY
FROM THE OFFICE OF BANICLE "BARNY" BILL HEAD OF HOUSELAND Ltd.
We are currently pursuing the editor of this so called news blog for his reckless disregard for this nations most highly sensitive secrets regarding our world actually being run by outer space aliens. If the news got out that we are ruled by off world monsters with nose hairs that can stangle you while your body is disolved by flesh eaying snot then, many earth people might think about revolting against our benevolent slave masters. They also have claws for genitalia but, I don't think we should go there unless we are into pain. A revolt could upset the whole order of things on this planet and since I report directly to the aliens I'm afraid my nine figure government salary would take a big cut.

I do not intend on taking a pay cut so if we have to we will shoot the editor of this publication before he has a chance to surrender. Currently, we have the best minds in the world gathering information which will tell us the whereabouts of this treasonous editor. So, if you have any information please send it to our office in Mumbai India. We outsourced our intelligence analitics department to a company in Mumbai. They are really cheap because they pay their best people just a few pennies a day to go over our most important and sensitive national secrets. I'm saving so much money that U. S. taxpayers might have to give me a ten figure income next year.

IS 666 WALL STREETS LUCKY NUMBER ?

2010-06-11T08:38:00.000-07:00

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Collin

This week the American and Chinese Navy’s faced off against each other in international waters. It seems the American research vessel was getting a little too close to secret submarine maneuvers in the South China Sea. The Chinese boats came close to the American Ship and the Chinese sailors gave the Americans a vertical pants down smile. The Americans responded by whipping out their water cannons and blasting the Chinese junk. The U.S. sailors were crack shots so the Chinese quickly retreated. This incident is still under investigation.

Mr. Al Sadist, the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush when the President visited Iraq last year, was sentenced to spend the next three years in prison. One year for each shoe and one year for having naked feet in public. Mr. Al Sadist told the judge that he was not trying to hit the president but instead, was trying to swat a deadly tsetse fly that was coming perilously close to the head of President Bush. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

In other news, jobless claims continued to climb this week as more and more people were laid off and could not find work. Here at “Humor News Nuts”, an announced hiring of two more people brought in over 400 job applicants. This seems strange since we don’t even pay anything. Our current staff doesn’t even know this yet and since they never read their own publication, they may never know. Each payday we simply tell them they won’t be getting a paycheck because their checks were garnished to pay parking tickets. Only two of the seven people here drive cars but, so far they haven’t caught on.

.
BUSINESS NEWS
By Ted Collin
Last year the S&P 500 hit 666 as a low and then went up over 705 points rising nearly 30 points on Thursday alone. Wednesday was the first full moon of spring according to one group of ancient Druids (the homeless ones living in the state park). To these padres of the past, the full moon also signifies the beginning of the festival of Sam Haim, the god of the underworld. Of course there may not have been any rally according to the web site wallstreetwarlocksareus, had there not been a human sacrifice made to the god of megabucks. So, the warlocks of Wall Street nominated an alleged “honesty virgin” named Bernie Madoff. “Honesty virgins” are very common on Wall Street so to win the reward of being sacrificed, someone has to be selected who will really spin a great yarn and keeps it going for decades. The winner of this contest will receive an eternal membership at Club Hades which includes full usage of the lava rock hot tubs. The winner will also receive discounts at the most sheik restaurants in hell such as The Hannibal Cannibal Cave Inn, The Jeffrey Dalhmer All Meat Pizza Palace and, The Donner Party Kidney and Liver Bistro.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Mike Collin
The Detroit Red Wings lost 6-5 against the Calgary Flames. The Wings are still number one in the Central Division with 44 wins followed by Cleveland with 32 wins. The Detroit Pistons are still in the number 2 position in their division with 32 wins behind Chicago with 51 wins.

Local area hunters have reported that their take from the annual spring road kill hunt is way up this year. Several trophy deer have been found thawing out of the snow banks and a record number of skunk (pole cat) hides and porky pine quills will keep the wives busy sewing up some summer swim wear. Skunk fur bikinis will be the rage on Michigan beaches this summer.

This week I asked a local road kill hunter what it took to be a champion in his sport. He replied “All you need is a shovel, a pair of plastic gloves and a plastic sack for the solids and a bucket for the stuff that’s gone soft. The solids are good for selling to those rich tourists that want to taste the local cuisine or wear the fancy duds,” he said, “but, the liquids are good for stewing and I am not sharing them. Liquids are rare ‘because the crows and bugs get most of it before I come across the dearly departed critters”.

HEALTH CARE NEWS
By Deek Williams
Yesterday a patron of the bar dropped dead during dinner hour. First I thought it was the beef brisket we’re serving this week in honor of St. Paddy’s Day. There were two others who got sick that day and barfed up in and beside the toilet. But, they said they got sick on the dyed green beer we were serving. Trouble is, we didn’t dye any beer green so I think they drank some window cleaner I was using to clean the mirror behind the bar.

As far as the fellow who dropped dead, he didn’t really drop dead dead, he was just dead drunk. Seems he had been experimenting at the bar across the road with green Jell-O shooters followed by a glass of Irish Whisky for a chaser. I know there must be a lot of guts and stuff that are going to feel pretty rough when you abuse yourself this way. Not to mention, it really messes up your head for a while. This fellow also missed out on both the darts and euchre tournaments followed by karaoke songs from the seventies.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Tim Collin
The crew of the international space station was forced to abandon ship and move into a small space module for several hours yesterday. The cover story was that a bullet sized piece of metal was hurdling toward the stations hull and might rip through it and cause the inhabited satellite to depressurize. However, according to our experts, the crew was actually removed from the space station and probed by beings from the “Ruptured Cist” nebula. These creatures call themselves Ka-Bobs and want to examine the ganglia of other beings to see if said ganglia could be used to fill in their ruptured cist. They are on a do or die mission and that makes them both ruthless and desperate. Evidently, the crew was returned or at least replicates of the crew were returned early in the morning to the space station. Again, aliens are here and are dangerous. Now we must protect our very ganglia from the Ruptured Cist Ka-Bobs.

PHYSIC REVELATIONS
By Madam Misty
I predict that I’m either going to get paid or I’m going to quit pretty soon. Every payday they tell me that I’m not getting a paycheck because “I got my entire check garnished for parking tickets,” First of all, I live two doors down and don’t ever drive my car so how am I supposed to get these tickets?

The recent fight between funny man Jon Stewart and stock guru Jim Kramer will end soon. I’m going to predict that stock guru Jim Kramer will depart from his show “Mad Money” and star in a comedy movie based on the old sit-com “Mad About You,” with "The Queen Of Mean" Lisa Lampanelli as his co-star.

Jon Stewart will leave his job as the host of “The Daily Show,” and join Larry the Cable Guy and the ghost of the late Rev.Jerry Fallwell on a revivalist crusade through the Deep South. The country trailer park tours will last 6-10 weeks depending on whether the tornados get to the trailer parks ahead of them this summer. Tornados turn trailer parks into parks and trails; trails of cars, tin cans and beer bottles.

CELBRITY AND ENTERTAINMENT
By Mike Collin
Hollywood will soon turn out a new Star Trek motion picture based upon the original TV series. The new/old Star Trek will have a cameo appearance by William Shatner. The former Captain of Romance will play a large yellow moon with wig on its North Pole. Other members of the old cast will play stars that are whisked by at light speed so no one ever pays attention to them.

Battlestar Galatica is in its final season with just a couple of more episodes left in the series. Right now I’ll be glad when it ends. They already found earth and it was in ruins with just a bunch of dead silons on it. Were the dead silons us, the thirteenth tribe? I don’t understand. Also, now there are silons, humans, hybrids, skin jobs, what’s next? I am so confused. All the love triangles and hate triangles make this look like some sort of girlie soap opera instead of a manly action adventure show. The show really lost me when they executed the evil Vice President who was always trying to take over and become dictator of the fleet. I was hoping he’d take over and move the show in a new direction. Back in the old series when Loren Greene was Commander Odama you knew where you stood. Silons always had to be destroyed and Dr. Baltar was always evil. That ‘70s show was cool.

THE WORLD ECONOMY HAS COLLASPED OR THE ROAD KILL RODEO

2010-06-04T08:18:00.000-07:00

IN THE NEWS NEWS
THE WORLD ECONOMY HAS COLLASPED
By Ted Colin
It has finally happened. Stocks and bonds are worthless and all the major currencies of the world are not worth the cost of the expensive colored ink they are printed with. Can you imagine how much it must cost to print a $20.00 bill with all the fancy colors? I had an uncle who tried to find out how many $20.00 bills he could print off on his HP copier. Even using both sides of the paper it was like $30.00 just to print off about 200 bills. My uncle decided to play a prank on the local gas stations to see if they could tell if his bills were real or fake. Unfortunately, an off duty state trooper was behind my uncle at the very first gas station he visited.

My mom still sends my uncle cookies on the holidays but, I say why bother? If he keeps his nose clean he’ll be out in 2015. I never liked him anyway because he always smacked me on the ear. The lesson to be learned from my uncle’s story is that if you want the kids in your family not to hate you then you should not go around smacking them on the ear.

Some economists have been saying that the problems in the world economy started in a country called Greece. I never new such a country existed. I looked on a map and guess what? Greece is right next to a country called Turkey. I’m sure those two countries must get together every year and have a heck of a Thanksgiving Day party. They probably get so wasted that they think the Lions are a champion team. I’ve been there many times myself.

Seriously, who ever heard of a nation called Greece? Someone at the office pointed out to me that Greece was once the home of the ancient Spartans. Then, I remembered the movie “The 300”. That was an awesome movie. You see if I were an uneducated man I would have thought my colleague here at the office was talking about the Spartans at Michigan State University. I am not an ignorant person. I know that the Spartans were the heroic soldiers that fought during World War I against some emperor named Napoleon.

I worked really hard to get my C+ in world history at the community college. At the time I thought I got a really good grade because the tests were all multiple guess (choice). But, I guess I retained quite a few facts after all.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
I just got back from the first ever road kill rodeo. It is exclusively held here in Northern Michigan and boy is it great fun for singles like me or for people who have families. It doesn’t matter if you are five years old and full of vinegar or eighty five years old and on an oxygen tank, you can find something fun to do at the road kill rodeo. Of course those people with oxygen tanks should stand a ways back from the barbeques.

The food is great and Mrs. Maggie Vitals won the Macramé Chefs Award for her road kill Michigan chicken in fondue sauce There was some questions brought up as to whether Mrs. Vitals found her Michigan chicken along the road or if she found it floating out on the bay. The rules for the Macramé Award are quite specific in that any deceased flesh must be taken strictly from along the roadside and not from bodies of water or alongside bodies of water such as beaches or riverbanks. Most deceased Michigan chickens (also known as seagulls) are usually found near bodies of water or near restaurant dumpsters. In the end, the judges believed Maggie especially since her fondue sauce made the Michigan Chicken (seagull) taste like a Road Island Red. Maggie was happy to take home the top prize of $3.33. The runner-up received $1.00 and the third prize was 67 cents. There was a total of $5.00 in the kitty. There would have been more but, the sponsor of the rodeo, Mr. Jerrod of Jerrod’s Junk-O-Roma, had the sale of his kidney fall through because of his excessive drinking. With the failure of his kidney deal his whole business was now in jeopardy of being confiscated by the bank.

There were several recipes for road kill possum, raccoon, deer and, squirrel but, the judges picked more exotic dishes. The runner up was MS Denise Roadscrape for her rattlesnake pecan turnovers and, the third prize winner was Mrs. Fowler’s Peking Crow. There was some protest over the crow dish since Mrs. Vitals swore that the dressed out crow looked a lot like her missing little Chihuahua named Russell.

Besides great food there were rides, games and, various venders at the rodeo. The only thing is that there was never any rodeo. It seems that chasseing down dead animals is not much of a challenge. Maybe next year this little detail can be ironed out. Of course whether or not there is a rodeo next year comes down to whether or not Mr. Jerrod can find some organ to sell that has not been affected by thirty years of hammering down 40 oz malt liquors.

PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS
By Madam Mistress Misty Merkel
I have been communing with the ancient race of people living under the ocean. I believe they call themselves “Atlantians” They live in a big domed city not far from New Orleans. Up until a few years ago they lived in caves just outside of Wichita KS but, they wanted a better night life so they relocated. Not long after the Atlantians set up their new city, hurricane Katrina hit. Now they can’t see out their big glass dome because it is covered with oil. With all their superior intelligence and technology the Atlantians still don’t have an easy way to do windows.

I’ve been told via a mind meld I had with an Atlantian Realtor I met in a bar last night that, the value of real estate has plummeted in Atlantis. He told me that I could pick up a condo real cheap. Of course if I had any money I would jump on the opportunity to own a condo in a glass house under the sea. I’d be like a psychic Sponge Bob. That is if Sponge Bob is a girl and I think the jury is still out on that one.

My real goal has always been to move to Miami when I quit work and retire. Miami is where all the old rich people go to wait for the grim reaper to appear. We don’t have a grim reaper in Michigan. We just have the Grim Repot Guy. The Grim Repo Guy is far worse than the Grim Reaper. He first takes all your possessions away and the shock of loosing everything kills you.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Gerrard
It seems that all the TV and movies today are using avatars in their storylines. Of course people love TV and movies even if there are not any avatars in them. The reason people like movies and TV so much is that things usually work out better in a fantasy world then in reality. I know I wish I had an avatar I could move into for a while. Avatars seem to always get all the girls. In reality, except for my mom and my aunts, no girl will even speak to me. Yesterday, there was a female policewoman out in front of this office building. I went outside to try to get her to notice me but, she didn’t. I even went and bought some cigarettes (I usually don’t smoke those cancer sticks) and lit one up in a non-smoking area not 20 feet from where she was standing. She still would not acknowledge me even with a warning to put out my cancer stick. She just turned and walked away. That was so depressing that I lit up another cigarette. When I turned around there was this big burley cop standing there holding out a ticket for me to take. “Don’t you know you can’t smoke here,” he barked at me.

PAY AIG EXECUTIVES THE WAY THEY ARE PAID HERE

2010-05-21T13:09:00.000-07:00

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Collin

It seems this week all the news shows and blogs have been a buzz about AIG executives receiving huge bonuses after running the company into the ground. Much time was spent on Capital Hill debating how to get the money back. In fact, the bonuses should be paid to the executives the same way “Humor News Nuts” pays its employees, in $5.00 off pizza coupons. Across the street at “Little Papa, Biga Mama Pizzeria”, they have piles of flyers with coupons in them just sitting there inside the door. I spent all one afternoon cutting out the $5.00 off coupons so we could make payroll this week. Afterwards, I had enough left over to pay the light bill. Some people said our money will become worthless because the Federal Reserve keeps printing dollar bills so, maybe coupons will replace dollars as the new currency. I intend to get some more pizza coupons and pay the bill to our insurance company which, happens to be AIG.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY

2010-05-21T07:04:00.000-07:00

ROCKET GOES UP, ROCKET GOES DOWN
NASA has reported that a zillion dollar satellite that was to measure carbon dioxide levels in the Earths atmosphere, didn't quite make it. Instead, it burned up in a fiery ball. When NASA was asked to explain what happened in terms most members of Congress could understand NASA responded, "the shinny thing fell down".

The Obama administration has decided to continue to fund President Bush's trek back to the moon. A new, simple low cost method will be used to get man back to the moon by 2020. The treasury is going to pile up all of its soon to be near worthless thousand dollar bills. A similar strategy to put humans on Mars is being discussed by top minds in the government. One NASA scientist put it this way, "the physics of inflation infinitely beats E=MC squared".

2010-05-14T13:03:00.000-07:00

EDITORIAL

By Tim Colin
The Men in Dark Suits (MIDS) raided our offices on Friday and effectively shut us down. They said they were from the zoning board but, we know the truth. It seems we have been getting too close to the truth about our governments cover up of alien encounters. Our government and its masters in outer space, deem the Humor News Nuts organization to be enemy number one. They seek to silence our point of view so that space aliens can continue to wipe out our culture, our capitalist way of life and finally, our species.

Although things look very dim for humanity, we at our great and historic publication will not go down without a fight. Since January 2009, Humor News Nuts has been exposing all sorts of government cover-up shenanigans Most of the stories we cover you will not find anywhere else in print or online. FOX, CNN, CSPAN etc., all refuse to air anything we have to say about the outer space conspiracies and the evil Men in Dark Suits who wickedly trespass across our constitutional rights.

We of course cannot fight this fight alone. We are dependent upon our readers to join in combat against the space aliens and their Men in Dark Suits stooges. The first thing everyone needs to do is to buy aluminum foil and construct a helmet. Wear this helmet everywhere you go It will keep your mind free of government brain washing and it will send a chilling message to the space aliens that we humans have not all surrendered to their will. Wearing aluminum foil hats begins today, the 9th of November. Future generations of freedom lovers will one day say “Remember, Remember the 9th of November, the aluminum foil treason and plot.”

Note: In full disclosure, I’ve been buying up stock in Indian aluminum foil companies all week in anticipation of this editorial. No wonder people who write for Wall Street publications are all so rich. Buying up stock in something and then recommending it in a publication seems like a great way to get really rich. Who says everyone on Wall Street is a crook? It would be really nice if the companies you recommend also kicked in a trip to the Bahamas or some other nice place.

NEW STIMULUS PLAN UNVEILED

2010-04-30T16:19:00.000-07:00

IN THE NEWS NEWS
This week President Obama unveiled his long awaited stimulus program. This program is a 75 billion dollar plan that will among other things, help to refurbish our nations decaying infrastructure. Many have said that this bill will cost far too much money and would be very wasteful of taxpayer dollars. President Obama responded by saying that he planed for the money to be spent wisely. Several of the nations Governors said they did not like that plan and would not take part in it.

BUSINESS NEWS
The Dow Jones Industrials sank 99.58 points today to a new yearly low of 7316.23. The Dow tumbled all week because tired and angry traders couldn't get any coffee before work since all the nearby coffee shops have closed because of the Depression. This cause and effect may continue as stocks fall and coffee houses close in a never ending spiral downward until you hit the bottom.

Standard Financial Corp. has been accused of running a Ponzi scheme that bilked thousands of investors out of more than 8 billion dollars. Actually, I believe the word Ponzi was a misspelling and the name of the scheme should either be Fonzi or Potsi. So it either is a Fonzi scheme or a Potsi scheme. Of course a Fonzi scheme was always really cleaver and would not have been found out but, a Potsi scheme was always fraught with disaster so a Potsi scheme it must be. Besides, if it were a Fonzi scheme that created a big mess who would have the guts to say so. Of course, I’d rather blame Ralph because I never really liked him.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
The Detroit Red Wings are still first in the Central Division with 38 wins with Chicago trailing with a mere 33 wins. The Detroit Pistons are second in their division with 27 wins with Cleveland ahead with 41 wins. Still, to my friends on the Detroit Lions team, "at least the Pistons won some games".

Several major universities have had to cut their ticket prices in order to insure that fans continue to come to their games. The University of Michigan has cut their prices for season ticket holders from $53.57 to a nice even $50.00. What is up with that? A $3.57 cut is not going to entice anyone to come to the game that wasn’t already willing to pay the full amount. I can’t buy a descent chaw of tobacco for that. Maybe you can’t find anybody at your high faluting doctor and lawyering University that can count back change? You guys need to go to community college. That’s where I leaned to count back change. Then after graduation, almost everyone in my class got a job at the town’s largest employer, Burger King.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
Funny thing this week, all of our computers came down with a computer virus (I think my brother spilled his pop on my lap top while I was in the bathroom) and we haven’t gotten them to work yet so we thought we were sunk. But, as luck would have it, the kid that delivers the papers took my bothers old Atari 2600, deleted the “Space Invaders” game from it, took some parts off of our Mr. Coffee coffee maker and Walla, we have a functioning e-machine with just a few little space monsters burned permanently into the screen.

CELEBRITY AND ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
The new movie “Friday the Thirteenth” (a remake of an old movie) is set to be another slasher, monster movie hit. I was going to send my brother Mike out to see the movie but, we don’t have enough money for a ticket (having paid the paper kid $15.00 to fix us up a computer). Mike decided that since Crystal Lake, the place where the movie took place, was just 15 miles oven into Benzie County, he’d just take a trip over there to see if he could interview the movies main star, Jason Voorhees.

Mike hitch hiked over to Crystal Lake but, found the lake was frozen over. It always is in February. Mike was really, really cold and really, really hungry. There were a lot of cottages around the lake but, everyone was gone for the winter. Mike was cold hungry and tired. It was nearly 200 feet to the nearest town. Mike decided he had to do something drastic.

The first cottage Mike broke into had food (Cream of Wheat cereal, Mike’s favorite) but, no stove to cook it on. The second cottage had a stove and Cream of Wheat cereal but, it was cold since the furnace didn’t work. The third cottage Mike broke into had cereal, a stove, a working furnace and, a nice soft bed for Mike to take a nap in after eating three bowls of Cream of Wheat cereal. Mike didn’t have a chance to look for Mr. Voorhees since the Sheriff came, woke Mike up, and took him off to jail. Now I have to go and try to bail him out with my over limit credit card or he’ll miss the final episode of “Battle Star Galactica”. Maybe I’ll just let him sit there and I’ll watch “World Wide Wrestling” instead.

2010-04-23T17:32:00.000-07:00

In The News News
By Tim Colin
The debate over health care has been heating up all summer with millions of Americans attending town hall meetings with their congressmen. Are these people nuts? Who would spend their summer going to meetings with a bunch of politicians? Get out there and get a life. What good is good health if you are going to spend it yakking it away with some guy in a suit. Get outside and do some extreme mountain biking or extreme rock climbing. If you slip and fall 500 feet down a mountain you are not going to be worrying about whether your covered by health insurance. All you will be thinking about on your way down is “how much is this going to hurt?”

The war in Afghanistan is heating up. We can’t discuss too much about the Afghan war because no one that we know can find Afghanistan on a map. We have a map on the wall that shows all of North America with most of the major cities highlighted with a black dot. After polling everyone in our offices it seems to be a toss up as to whether Afghanistan is in Alberta or Quebec Canada. Afghanistan doesn’t sound French so it’s not in Quebec. It is spelled with a lot of “A’s” so our best guess is that Afghanistan is in or near Alberta. We should send someone up there to check on the war effort.

Business News
By Ted Collin
Stocks were moving down most of the week but ended up 96 points on Friday with the Dow Jones Industrial Average (DJIA) ending at 9441.

Lately, the banking sector has not been doing well at issuing new home mortgages. Wall Street has however, come up with a new way of making money issuing a new type of mortgage. The new mortgage is called the Reverse Organ Mortgage or ROM. The ROM works much like a reverse mortgage on a house except, it is on your vital organs like your heart, kidneys, liver, lungs, spleen etc. Specifically, the way the ROM works is that you will receive a sum of money each month for a particular organ and when you die, your organ is harvested and any balance owed to you will be paid to your heirs. The organs themselves will be delivered to commodities speculators who have been biding on the price of your organ should it be harvested on a given day. In the end, the person who bids the most for the organ will receive it for transplantation either for himself, a loved one, a valued customer or, employee.

Sports I Care About
By Tim Colin
The Detroit Lions won 17-6 in an exhibition game they played against the Buffalo Bills. Great job guys! I’m proud of you. As Ronald Regan once said last season should be left on the “dung hill of history”. Or did he say “I can’t read my teleprompter. I think it’s busted”. Anyway, the Lions won in the pre-season and will have a chance to start the new season with a win on September 13, when they play at New Orleans. The Lions have not selected a starting QB yet but, they might as well just go along with Mike Stafford. He did win the exhibition game.
The Detroit Tigers are on a roll leading their division by five games. If I had one of those non guy emotions I might shed a tear right now of what you would call happiness. Instead I have nothing but guy emotions like anger, greed, revenge, lust and my favorite, remorse for having been caught doing something I should not have. I really hate being caught.

I don’t care much about college sports except, I love to see the U of M punch out the lights of Ohio State in one of the most classic matches in college football. I've busted more than a couple of TVs over the years when the game didn’t come out with Michigan on top of Ohio State.

Entertainment News
By Gerrard
The movie “Gamer” should pull in a large audience. It’s pretty violent so, make sure you go with people who are not afraid of a little roughness. I have a girl in mind that might go on a date with me to see this movie. I can’t go on a Tuesday to see the movie because I have to take mom to the C.E.T.A hall so she can play euchre. I have to stay in case they need a forth player.

“Taking Woodstock”, is kind of funny but, because I live in a resort area, there are a lot of people here that entered the year 1969 and never left. Several of them live out back of this building. If I have a sandwich I don’t finish, I leave it on top of the dumpster so they can find it easily. I once drew a picture of a marijuana plant on the back of the building. Several of the old hippies spent three days trying to roll it up into a cigarette. Tim Colin, who likes to throw his weight around, yelled at me so I had to paint over my art. So much for freedom of expression.

Psychic News
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well, I’m having a lot of trouble getting any spiritual vibes this week. I just heard from my twin sisters Twisty and Christy (They’re twins with each other and I’m a twin with each of them). It seems they each have new boyfriends and I don’t. I told them that after a séance I went dancing with Elvis and they didn’t believe me. They said that guys will tell you anything to get you to go out with them. I said I hope that wasn’t what happened. The guy Elvis possessed was Gerrard the weird guy that raises rats in his mother’s basement. They told me the only Elvis I ever danced with was Aunt Myrtle’s dog named Elvis and he danced with everyone. Actually, he tried to jump on every one. No one wanted to go to Aunt Myrtles because they were afraid her dog would jump them as soon as they walked through the door.

I guess the lions will do o.k. I just wonder that if I buy some new cloths and hang out in different places if, I might meet some new people. I know most guys need someone with money. The problem is that I lost almost everything during the current big financial crash. I lost my house in foreclosure. In addition, my stockbroker, Ira Rippoff, told me that if I invested $1,000 each month with him in a retirement account, that in 10 years, I would have built up a really nice nest egg. He also said I had beautiful eyes like Angelina Jolee. I invested with Ira and built up a nice nest egg but, the egg was for Mr. Rippoff. Now he’s living in a luxury hotel in the Cayman Islands and I’m stuck in a cheap trailer park. He gets room service and I can’t get garbage pick-up. All I have left is the old trailer I inherited from my Aunt Myrtle. It still smells like my aunt and her dog Elvis. He and my aunt both smelled like gin so it’s six of one and half a dozen of the other. A gin and tonic sounds about good a couple of paragraphs ago. Or was that a rum and coke I had this morning?

The movies "Gamer" and "Taking Woodstock" will be big hits. I also predict that you should get out your Ben-Gay and arthritis rubs because the weather’s going to be cool.

The Michigan Outdoors Scene
By Ted Colin
There is a warning being issued by this publication to people that will be visiting the area parks and recreational facilities during this Labor Day Weekend. It seems there is a hideous lizard creature wandering through the woods, This creature started out small this spring, about a foot or so tall, and has last been reported at being nearly four feet in height. This monster started out with a penchant for pilfering bacon from a campers stores then, frying the bacon over the camper’s’ own cook stove and then, devouring said bacon as the camper and their frightened families looked on.

More recently, the lizard creature attacked a backyard luau pool party being held by area nudist retirees. The lizard creature purportedly ate the roasting pig from side to side like an ear of corn then, dashed into the forest. The nudist retirees could not follow because the woods were adorned with poison ivy. Doctors say that poison ivy poisoning is the number one cause of fatalities amongst area nudophiles.

Science And Technology
By Ted Colin
We have recently had a number of reported crop circle events in Northern Michigan. The farmers have been upset because we mainly have cherry orchards in the area where the crop circles have occurred. The problem is cherry trees do not snap back upright after a few days, they just die. The farmers have said it will take several years to replace the trees.

Personally, I went out to investigate the possibilities of crop circles turning up at one of the many vineyards in Northern Michigan. I never got out to look at the grapevines to see have messed up they might be by crop circles however, I did enjoy hoping from vineyard to vineyard tasting the wine and cheese. I almost bought a bottle at one place and then I saw the price was over $5.00 per bottle. I decided I'd stick to Boons Farm.

Many theories have arisen as to the cause of the crop circles. One is that Sasquatch is so powerful that he is pushing over trees to pick the fruit off of them. This seems plausible since Sasquatch is certainly powerful enough and cherries found in an orchard are a lot bigger and less bitter than the little ones you see in the wild.

Another theory is that lizard boy is now big enough to push over trees. This seems implausible since lizard boy was last seen just about a week ago still stealing bacon from campsites. He was still reported to be just a foot tall. He is still just a boy and is not even a tween yet let alone a teenager or adult lizard man monster.

The local authorities believe someone is going around with an all terrain vehicle, hitching a rope to each tree then, pulling them over. This seems implausible because it sounds silly. Who would do such a thing? If you're going to knock down a cherry tree just just a chain saw.

Finally, the only theory left is the one we have to assume is correct. That theory is that Aliens from outer space have been landing on our cherry trees and knocking them over with their anti-gravity beams. The anti-gravity beams are what the aliens use to hover over the ground. They also use the anti-gravity beams to hurl themselves away from the earth at the speed of light.

Recently, the crop circles have been becoming more elaborate. They are now making designs and writing messages with the knocked over trees. One message left by the space aliens indicates their home planets distance from earth. The message read "I Love Lucy". Since this was a popular show about 50 years ago we know the space aliens live about 50 light years away. This is the distance it took for the TV airwaves of "I Love Lucy" to reach our great alien communicators.

Some local figures have ridiculed the space alien theory. They ask why don't the aliens just come down and talk to us or at least send us an e-mail or a letter. The answers to these naysayers are simple. First, the aliens won't come down to talk to us because they think we are too violent and might try something. Second, they won't communicate with us via the Internet because they are afraid they might pick up a computer virus that could destroy their entire civilization. They may have seen "Independence Day". Finally, the aliens might be super environmentalists. By sending us mail they probably have considered how many trees were destroyed to create the paper, envelope and stamp. By not sending us mail they may have saved a tree.

HUMOR NEWS NUTS EDITORIALS
THE HEALTH CARE DEBATE
No to Extraterrestrial Free Health Care
By Ted Colin
Assistant Editor
I do not believe in giving free healthcare to aliens from other planets. We Earthers can’t afford to take care of our own sick let alone taking care of all the galactic charity cases just because their own planets don’t give them universal health care. Besides, if they can afford to travel across time and space to get here they most surely can afford to pay for their own health care once they get here. If they are so hard up they could sell their spaceship or some of their technology in exchange for having one of our saw bones doctors look at them. I’m sure Microsoft would pay a pretty penny for software that ran faster than the speed of light thus answering your questions before you have them. Apple would also like to make phones that generate more energy then used while cleaning the atmosphere of carbon emissions. So just say “NO” to free health care to extraterrestrials. We need to take care of our own first.

Just Say “NO” to Extraterrestrials on Earth
By Tim Colin
Editor In Chief
Like always, my brother Tim has missed the point. Of course everyone else seems to be missing the point also. The most important debate we need to be having is how we spend all those health care dollars. We need to be spending all of our health care dollars on testing everyone on this planet to make sure they are not an alien thing from outer space. I know that I am human but, at least a couple of you out there are one of those things. We need to test everyone to find out which one of you is human and, which one of you is one of those things. In the movie “The Thing”, Kurt Russell developed a test that sure made those monsters jump up and run around. And he was trapped at the anarchic with limited resources and education. Surely we must have some bright geniuses at MIT or maybe a really good community college who, could come up with a way to ferret out those alien things from the human population of earth. From my point of view, humans are the most endangered species on this planet.

I’m Unhappy with My Health Care
By Mike Colin
Janitor/Gofer/Fall Guy
I think my health insurance stinks. I pay $300.00 per month and it has not covered any of my $27,000 in medical bills I’ve had this year. It’s pretty good insurance, I guess but, it has a $1,000,000 deductible and a 50% co/pay. I’m not sure what a co/pay is but, it sounds really bad. It’s like being a co/defendant. What’s worse is I can’t stop paying the premium. It’s set up through a checking account that automatically deducts it every month. I can’t even pay rent but, I have to pay my insurance premium. If I try to stop the payment my insurance agent calls me up and threatens to have me arrested. I told my uncle Mike (he’s my insurance agent) that I can’t afford to keep $300.00 in the bank each month and I keep having the bank fine me $25.00 every time the insurance company tries to take the money out. My uncle Mike told me I had better get used to $400.00 taken out each month since I’m considered to be more likely to be unhealthy since I complain too much. When I bought the policy from my uncle Mike he said it was a great policy since I got the coverage I deserved while he got a 40% commission for the sale and 20% commission each year if I renewed it. My dad said my Uncle Mike was like the scorpion in the scorpion and the fox tale. I said to my dad, “is that the one where the scorpion took a whiz on the fox when the fox was giving him a ride across a river. Then, they both drowned because scorpions always whiz on foxes?”

“You got it boy”, dad answered.

CENTRAL MICHIGAN FOOTBALL IS NUMBER ONE SCHOOL IN THE MAC

2010-04-16T18:21:00.000-07:00

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Well so far, after our preemptive attack upon the moon men last Friday, we have not suffered any apparent counter attack. It is unclear whether or not the moon facility that was allegedly creating an anti-matter weapon was destroyed. This is the only publication that seems to be reporting this story. All others have been repeating the government cover story that the explosions were supposed to churn up measurable amounts of water at the north pole of the moon. Of course this is rubbish. Our government has said that America will not be returning to the moon any time soon. So why would we be measuring for water when we are not going back there?

I decided to contact our scientific advisor to get his thoughts on the recent attack. Dr. Alyar is the best scientist I know and the only one that actually received government money to study ancient alien brain cells that have been fossilized into petoskey stones. The Doctor was difficult to contact since he is currently in prison for fraud and income tax evasion.

Once contacted, the doctor was quick to volunteer information for ten dollars. I offered to send him five bucks and he agreed to give me his scientific opinion regarding a possible retaliation by the moon creatures. The doctor said that “the moon creatures may not attack the earth by using conventional weapons. Instead they may use a negative mind-meld with the people of America which will cause them severe psychological problems. Americans may become paranoid schizophrenics who are so gullible that they will believe almost any crackpot idea on TV or the Internet.”

So there you have it. We have been attacked on a psychic level. That’s why we are so gullible that we believe the attack on the lunar pole was a scientific experiment instead of a preemptive strike against a superior race of beings, which are refining anti-matter to create a death star.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
The stock market roared to record yearly highs this week as the DJIA surpassed 10,000. It seems that the lack of a counter attack by the Giant Leap (moon creatures) served to bolster economic confidence. “This was like a celebration after defeating the Nazis in World War Two,” one investor noted.

One possible indication that not everyone is satisfied that the moon people will not anhilate us are those bidding up the price of gold this week. It is hard to understand what good gold will do you after your planet has been blown to bits by a death star.

In other business news, the health care debate goes on and on and on. Many people are literally getting sick of hearing about the debate. Don’t the people in Congress work with any kind of deadline. Maybe they just want to prolong our agony by their attempts at public debate. Based upon their skills at thinking on their feet, I think that Congressmen should submit all their answers to today’s most pressing problems in writing and in the form of a question. Then, let the judges on the game show “Jeopardy” decide if the Congressmen are right or wrong. Maybe the “Jeopardy” music during the final round would speed up some of the Congressional Membership.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
The Detroit Lions have 1 win and four losses. On Sunday Detroit will play at Green Bay. In Michigan you can’t buy beer until noon on Sunday so I don’t think I’ll be ready to watch the Lions play at one o’clock. I won’t say anymore. Good Luck Lions and good luck to the fans.

In Michigan college football: Michigan has a total of 4 wins and two losses, Michigan State has 3 wins and 3 losses and Little Central Michigan has 5 wins and one loss. CMU leads the MAC conference with a total of 5 wins and 1 loss. On Saturday CMU faces Western Michigan University. This is usually a really good game each year. CMU and Western are like cross town rivals in Michigan. After their win over Michigan State I will be betting on the Chips but, I’m not counting out a really tough football school like Western Michigan. Also, I’m picking Notre Damn over USC this weekend only because the Fighting Irish are in the Mid-West.

LOCAL NEWS
By Mike Colin
Well, we did not have much of a fall color season. The leaves turned brown and fell off the trees. It’s been dismal, cold and rainy up North. There were a few sightings of the Frankenmoose over the last couple of weeks. Several area towns have been celebrating Oktoberfest on the weekends. It seems at every Oktoberfest where there is a beer tent there are witnesses that say they saw the Frankenmoose. Now the Frankenmoose does love beer and bratwurst but, he is supposed to be incarcerated at area 91 which lies beneath the Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes. Maybe the Frankenmoose has escaped area 91 and the Men in Black? If he has he had better watch out because deer rifle season starts pretty soon.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
I’ve been busy polishing up Petoskey stones and selling them online. I don’t intend on becoming the next online millionaire but, between selling stuff online and my psychic readings, I’m finally working my way through this recession. I just need to find some cheap help to polish more stones up.
I’m predicting snow next week. I know it’s early but the spirits never lie. Well, my dead relatives lie to me all the time so I try not to dial them up. They call me. I never try to contact them. They mostly nag. My aunt Rose hates my hair. My aunt Violet keeps telling me I drink too much and my aunt Pansy told me my first husband didn’t like women. I know that. That’s why I dumped him.

So kids, don’t be so fast about wanting to talk to dead people. I know it’s real popular right now but, you don’t know who might show up. Even worse, around Halloween you don’t know what might show up.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
By Gerrard
Wow, wouldn’t it be cool to be a little kid and take off in a weather balloon built by your crazy old man. Especially one built out of tin foil and shaped like a flying saucer. That story was so cool and I felt sorry for the kid when I found out he really wasn’t in the balloon. I’d take a ride in that balloon in a minute if I ever got the chance. Of course it might take a little more helium in it to lift me off the ground.
I tried to take a helicopter ride this summer. I had the ticket and everything. I showed up bright and early that day for my trip over Grand Traverse Bay. The pilot, who also owned the helicopter, took one look at me and refunded my money. He told me I needed to charter a military transport helicopter in order to get off the ground. I think he was referring to my weight. I don’t know why I’m so big. I don’t eat nearly as much as my mom and yet we’re both about the same size.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Sherri and Carrie
Sherri: I went to see “Where the Wild Things Are.” It was not what I expected. It’s a kid’s movie. I thought it was some sort of fraternity/sorority crazy vampire flick. Boy was I wrong.

Carrie: And I bet a lot of guys will feel kind of stupid if they take their date to a kids flick. Unless of course the guy is under 12 years old.

Sherri: Most guys are mentally under 12 years old. I still like “Zombieland”. That’s a fun flick.

Carrie: “Zombieland” is about the only recent movie out there right now that is kind of a halloweenie flick.

Sherri: Yeah, only two more weeks and it’s Halloween and not much for new halloweenie flicks coming out. The Halloweener people in Hollywood must be on strike this year.

Carrie: Maybe fewer halloweenie movies will mean there will be more Halloween parties. A party is always better than a movie.

Sherri: Unless of course it’s a Star Trek movie.

Carrie: You got that right sister.

THE CLONES FROM BRAZIL

2010-04-09T21:31:00.000-07:00

IN THE NEWS NEWS
By Ted Colin
Well it seems Governor Sarah Palin has said that President Obama should have his place of birth looked into. President Obama was born in Hawaii which is of course owned by the Japanese. We traded Hawaii to the Japanese in exchange for Disneyland. But, Governor Palin admits to being from Alaska which is a part of Canada. All you have to do is look on any map and you can see Alaska is connected to Canada and not the United States. I believe we traded Alaska for the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. All the people up there speak Canadian English and call themselves “Yooppers” which is the old Viking word for Canadians.

SPORTS I CARE ABOUT
By Tim Colin
What about that Tiger Woods? He’s married and still has all those girlfriends. I’m single and I can’t even get a girl to go to a movie with me or to buy my drinks at the bar. I guess there’s no sport in it for women to date a poor guy who is single. Of course I wouldn’t be poor if I could find a way to get Tiger Woods to call me son and let me call him daddy. The problem is that Tiger is about 30 years old and I’m 25 years old and the math just doesn’t work out. Unless, Tiger was caught in some alien space/time vortex and went back in time like that guy in the first Terminator movie. I think I’ll continue to explore this time travel scenario. I’ll do some more research by watching the SyFy channel.

Oh well, I don’t think golf is a real manly sport anyway. A really manly sport would be something like lawn jarts or smear the deer. I’ve gone to the emergency room many times after playing lawn jarts with my brothers. My brother Mike still holds the record for the most blood lost during a lawn jarts tournament.

Besides lawn jarts, smear the deer is a really manly game played by guys like me in Northern Michigan. The game is a little like regular football in that you use a football to play with. The way the game is played is that a football is thrown into the air and a guy catches it and runs like a deer while about 30 guys chase him down and slam the runners’ body into the ground. It is always best not to be running on pavement or concrete when you are caught. Usually, only the skinny geeky guys do all running while the huskier guys like me do the chasing and the body slamming. The skinny geeky guys have good jobs like accountants or engineers so they have pretty good dental insurance.

BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
There was positive news this week on the labor front. It seems that unemployment rate is finally going down. It seems a lot of retailers are hiring again. Down at the U Steel We Fence Pawn Shop I was told that they took on two more employees and would be open 24 hours a day until Christmas. I was also told that because of all the foreclosures people were bringing in a lot of kitchen cabinets, bathroom fixtures and, copper pipe to pawn. It seems that a lot of people take mementos from the houses they loose to the banks but, decide later that they don’t want to transport all that stuff to another state of country.

Many people have been buying up gold as a hedge against the weakening U.S. dollar. I on the other hand, have been hiding dollar off pizza coupons under my mattress. What’s great about the pizza coupons versus gold is that gold costs a lot of money to purchase and I get the pizza coupons for free. I just go across the street to the local pizza joint and pick up a couple thousand of their flyers at a time. Each flyers has like four dollar-off coupons in it s each trip to the pizza joint is worth like $8,000 in coupons. I feel like I’m raiding Fort Knox.

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mistress Madam Misty Merkel
I predict there will be a lot of snow before the end of the year. It will be great for people who ski and snow board. It won’t be so great for people like me who live in trailers with flat roofs. I’ll have to get out my ladder and try to keep the snow cleared off or I’ll be sleeping one night and wake up with a pile of snow on my face. In addition to my fear of a cave-in, I live in such a cheap trailer park that I don’t have a place to park my car and keep it out of the snow. I’ll have to clear a foot of snow off my vehicle every time I want to go out. Sometimes being a psychic and seeing what will happen in the future to your car and trailer when it snows is a real pain in the crystal balls. That’s right I have two of them. That way if one ball gives me a particular prediction I can check the prediction out by gazing into my other crystal ball.

TECHNOLOGY NEWS
By Gerrard
A former Nazis scientist guy, who is living in Brazil, has come up with a way to get rid of hunger. It seems this genetic scientist and expert on human cloning, has developed a way to get stem cells to reprogram the DNA in a human stomach so that crops can be grown. The first experiment allowed a human to grow an apple in his stomach. Another experiment had a human grow an ear of corn. It seems that the human stomach lining can be programmed to grow almost any type of fruit, vegetable or possibly even meat, fish and dairy products. Unfortunately, the experiments had to be shut down by authorities when it was found out that the scientist really only wanted to grow billions of little baby boys with funny little mustaches. The scientist claimed that he was only trying to create some boys from Brazil in order to form the next hit Latin boy band.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
How about those party crashers at the White House? Wasn’t that babe really hot? She can crash any party I have anytime as long as she leaves her husband at home to watch the kids or something.

Well the vampire movies are still doing well. I want to get the latest Star Trek movie on Blue Ray. I hope Seven of Nine is in this one. The last Star Trek show on TV should have brought back Seven of Nine instead of Data. If Seven of Nine would have been on that show it would still be on TV today. I think all guys would like to date a cyber woman. I know I would. I’ve already dated a female vampire, a Goth girl and a witch. I must be ready for a technology upgrade by now. I just hope that all the Borg ladies are equipped with Windows 7 by now. Of course with my luck my new Borg girlfriend would be programmed with Windows Vista. Of course if she had Apple technology my girlfriend could maybe double as an Iphone and an Ipod. Maybe I could hook her up to satellite or cable. That way I could bundle.