Humour by Patrick Mackeown

Confessions of a Republican Campaign Manager

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 20:31:00 GMT

George Bush, wearing a bowler hat, stands in the Oval Office behind the famous Battleship-Resolute-Desk. Tony Blair, also hatted, stands looking at him, from the centre of the eagle-headed carpet.
George W Bush: "That's another fine mess you've got me into, Stan!"
Tony Blair: "Who? Me?"

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Confessions of a Republican Campaign Manager

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 20:31:00 GMT

The president said: "I thought yesterday we were going to do just fine. Shows how much I know."

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The Man Who Stole the Crown Jewels

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 14:31:00 GMT

This is a true story. In England we killed our king. Well, when I say that we did, what I mean is that Oliver Cromwell did. And, having chopped the monarch's head off, and abolished the kingly office, Oliver clearly had no need of crowns, orbs, sceptres, and other princely decorations, which are necessary for conducting coronations. So, in our earthly wisdom, we removed the jewels from the decorations that we had, and melted the whole lot down for scrap. It was extremely valuable scrap, mind you. But, that was all it was.

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The President's Got No Clue! - Episode 3

Fri, 8 Sep 2006 22:31:00 GMT

Can you imagine America suffering its biggest natural disaster in living memory and the president of the United States doing absolutely nothing? You're supposed to say, no! I couldn't imagine that at all! That couldn't possibly ever happen, could it? But, given the fact that you've just witnessed George W Bush's non-reaction to Hurricane Katrina, I should imagine there's not much shock and surprise left!

The President's Got No Clue! - Episode 2

Fri, 8 Sep 2006 22:31:00 GMT

Can you imagine what would happen if the White House allowed poets to convene there and give poetry readings of their own? No? Well, until very recently it did! But then, by their nature, poets are often free thinkers! That's why they're poets! The White House Press Department found these writers too critical of the administration's policies. And the poetry readings were cancelled!

The President's Got No Clue!

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 22:31:00 GMT

'Yo, Blair. How are you doing? See the irony is that what they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit and it's over.'
President George W Bush's G8 Conference, assessment of July 2006's War in the Middle East.
Of course, like millions, I listened to the president, speaking with his mouth full. And I wondered if Hezbollah would ever stop doing this shit! You see, the trouble with this shit, as we UN diplomats often say, is that it has incredibly deep roots. Please allow me to apologise profusely for my unfortunate choice of phraseology. I'm actually no expert on the subterranean structures pertaining to matters of feculence, at all!

A Policeman's Lot

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 21:31:00 GMT

Two detective constables should work in Nottingham. DC Howard is conscientious, DC Steplightly avoids work like the plague. While DC Howard frets about statistics, crime and superior officers, DC Steplightly concerns himself with the comeliness of his next-door neighbour's body.
To read the whole comedy, visit BookScape.

No Satisfaction

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 20:31:00 GMT

Can a government do anything right? They commission consultants to email users satisfaction surveys and only end up making the situation infinitely worse instead.

To read the whole comedy, visit BookScape.

Limerick re George W Bush

Mon, 26 Jun 2006 20:00:00 GMT

The last dim-witted US president called Bush
believed that oil was an animal from Kush
He sent the entire US army to find it
The generals explained how they crept up behind it.
And how Colin Powell shot it twice in the tush

To read more such Limericks, visit BookScape.

Who Deleted My Battleship? - a tale

Sun, 25 Jun 2006 21:00:00 GMT

The US Navy once used Windows NT to run a battleship. No, really. It's true, they did. As you can imagine it was a disaster.

Naked Girls - a tale

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 22:32:00 GMT

Women have power over men. Anyone who doesn't believe it should read this story.

Bastards! - a comedy

Sat, 17 Jun 2006 11:32:00 GMT

Spencer McKlintock is a management consultant. He knows nothing about anything and pays himself half a million pounds a year. To get the cash Spencer lies, cheats and steals. Like all would-be dot-com millionnaires Spencer tries to cash in.

To read this comedy, visit BookScape.

Hilarious Nigerian Scammer Story, a short story

Sat, 17 Jun 2006 11:31:00 GMT

My name is Andrew. I work in a bank in North London. And you simply wouldn't believe the number of times people ask me to give them money. (...) So, anyway, I wasn't at all surprised when I received a letter from Nigeria asking for access to one of my accounts. It appeared, or so the author claimed, that he was the son of the deposed Nigerian leader General Aducha Swame. And, so he went on to explain, the Swame family had tens of million pounds in several Lagos bank accounts which they seemed eager to share with me. How delightful, I thought. And, considering the fact that I'd never heard of Obi Swame before, I also thought how kind!

To read the rest of this short story, visit BookScape.