I Ain't No Full Time Gay

This Concerns You

2022-08-04T14:02:00.005+02:00

All I have to say is, I am sorry! I am sorry for not being there for you at times. Times when you just needed someone to listen to your troubles and to give you someone sane advice.

But instead, you ended up going to people who do not know you as I do! I apologize for being inconsiderate! I am sorry for making tighter bonds with others and having a life that does not revolve around you! A life consumed by routine! I am also sorry for being brutally honest when you wanted me to "sugar-coat" my honesty. I am sorry for getting in the way of all your relationships; truth is..., I love you so much that I caused your relationships to end tragically, for I cannot help but want you for myself! Everywhere I go there you are, around the corner, driving in a passing car, in the sky above everyone because I wish you so much success.

Truth is, I believe in you, and I am unable to live without you, as it feels like you are a part of me, my other!

Every time I look back at myself, there you are.

I try to touch you and all I feel is the coldness of the minor.

I wish to caress you and be enveloped by your warmth, but it is unfortunate that it is not meant to be.

You are just the man in the mirror, a reflection of what resides inside my infinite heart only longing to keep you forever in its crevasses until we are no longer of this world!

Mirror Me Back

2022-08-04T13:44:00.003+02:00

Stop talking, please just stop.

Flip the switch and stop the words from their source.

All we ever do is talk.

Reminders of yesterday, of last week and last month.

Reminders of how unreliable I am.

Talks of how reckless I have become. Chatter to top all chats.

Stop talking, please just stop.

Flip the switch and stop the words from their source.

I am only tired of using my mouth for something other than kissing.

Words carefully constructed, de-constructed and reconstructed to resemble sincerity, empathy and honesty to mask lies and infidelities.

I said I was sorry.

I even apologized for what I was sorry apologizing for.

Lies to keep the truce, so shut up and drink your juice.

Stop talking, please just stop.

Flip the switch and stop the words from their source.

Please bring back the peace and let us break bread.

If you point your finger, I will point to the mirror.

To M.M. with Love

2022-08-04T13:42:00.002+02:00

Sun blazing down, rain pouring down

Sun glistening off the sea, reflected in our seams.

Seams from you

Seams from me

Biding us together

Hopefully forever

Soul to soul

Palm to palm

You and me, hope we will always be

Finger pointed; statements retracted

Game being blamed, but continuously burning the flame

Weeks come, us always holding on to,

Dreaming to survive another

Hoping you will forever be my lover

I loved you then; normal chinos made sky-high

High is what I feel; love you create.

Love that dominates

Hearts conflicted

Confliction ruling.

Always pending

Never ending

Confliction prevails

Our hearts detained

I would rather die alone than spend a day without the one I call my own for this would be our fate, should we continue to procrastinate

I loved you then; normal chinos made sky-high

High is what I feel; love you create.

Love that dominates 'till that day, when all is gone,

I will continue loving you like the sea as you love KFC.-

The Tomorrow of TWO

2022-08-04T13:32:00.003+02:00

Blinded by his beauty and my judgement impaired by the instantaneous infatuation of what lay before me. Trail of thought lost as my eyes follow his every movement, mapping his curves, creases and linear path. I know nothing about him, naive to his past, curious of his future and unaware of his present. Unaverred, I don't care as I am mesmerized by him.

I picture myself with him. He and I, us. I want to make him mine. That was then, this is now. "Why not?" I asked him as he replied with a NO! We've been at this cat and mouse game for some time now - I've showed him my interest and I know that he feels the same. So, I ask him again, "Why NOT?" But this time, I take he's hand and stare into his honey brown eyes. As if he was putting, he's foot down, trying to get the reason(s) he would deny me the opportunity to love him and be loved by him. He replies again, "I just can't. I just can't."

Months of conversing about each other and what we want in a mate, as if we were slowing ticking a to-do list until we were certain of choice we had made long ago. My choice, his choice - we chose each other. "Has he not completed his list?" I ponder as I try to loosen my tight grip on what I thought was. What I thought we both had. Nothing sucks more than being so close and then being advised of how delusional you had been a long. I know that wasn't true, but it started to feel like it. I burned like the amber of a never-ending flame for him. I loved him. I hadn't known, been sure, until that moment as he pushed me over the cliff, to my demise. Heartache followed and I LET GO, but I never truly did. I just couldn't be a part of his life feeling the way I did, the way I still feel. How did I end up allowing myself to feel such, when I always approach with such caution? I wasn't myself and that's all I could think as my mind attempted to blocked out all that had transpired, all that was said and all that was imagined for the tomorrow of two.

We often find potential mates as we navigate through life, blinded by lust, the idea of this person and the future we may have.

Conduit

2022-08-04T13:16:00.000+02:00

I have always been a conduit, a vessel of thoughts and memories, often of the collective.

Fearful of the words and images that my thumbs and eyes would channel

Me, confused and overwhelmed, emotional as they flashed through my subconscious in an awakened state.

Easier to recite them in my mind then to put pen to paper, easier to whisper them to myself then to share them with my shadow,

Easier to let go of the unknown then to find understanding and meaning in these visions, images gifted, anointed benevolence.

I often find myself sickly without cause nor understanding, but easily assign words of feigned English understanding, flu like symptoms of what would appear to be a far larger ailment, one of a mind wanting to expand, at odds with rationalisation - the need of knowing when none was required.

We have diluted our senses with worldly desires, slowly letting go of the self, awareness and importance of it.

We are for we are, not because.

Dreams presenting torment and pain, where I am constantly being robbed.

I keep seeing myself being robbed, wondering familiar grounds with my maternal grandmother, unsure of the why, failing to let go, questioning when all I need to do is to follow this spiritual conduit presented as one I hold so dear.

I keep getting robbed, but upon reflection, no personal possessions are unaccounted for.

I am being robbed of myself, my spirit, my being as I continue to endure ailments I am unable to reconcile.

Left a horse of health, a strong and stern steed, feeling like a pony away from its kin, sickly, always questioning, never being.

Robbed.

3-Way Phone Call

2021-07-21T11:33:00.002+02:00

I recently found myself in a whirlwind of a ride, with someone who recently came into my life by chance. A mutual friend had made attempts at introducing us, however I’ve learnt it better to steer clear of any matchmaking attempts from friends from past experiences.

I was immediately taken aback by him. He just had a vibe about him, one that drew me in a way that I haven’t felt in some time.

However, things were complicated from the get go:

He had never been in a relationship, something I struggled to grasp, taking into account my initial reaction to him. This posed a concern. My mind ran laps, attempting to preempt countless scenarios of how this would lead. I also found it to be an opportunity to be part of his journey, one I believed would have been pleasant given my vast experience *clears throat*.
He made it apparent that there was another, who weeks earlier, too, had made advances on him. I had competition. This didn’t phase me though. I was confident in who I was and what I could offer.

And so I found myself in a situation. Correction, I entered myself into a love triangle. But how could I back down from these challenges? I was smitten, enchanted and bewitched by him. His presence occupied the depths of my thoughts. This was not an unfamiliar feeling, and we can often find ourselves lost to these emotions, this excitement of the new.

Days and weeks past, time spent together became our norm. Moments of staring and teasing. Chats about our childhood cartoons and trolling YouTube for their starting sequences until 1am. An easy I wanna be here vibe. I tried by all means to forget about the reality that existed; there was someone else in the equation. This other guy, someone who too had the attention of my King (a nickname that holds great meaning). It had been a couple of weeks since I asked how things were with him. I was always met with a “Oh, his fine”, so I stopped asking, but as time passed, I found myself in need of assurances as to the trajectory of what we had going.

I know, I injected myself into this situation, and here I was making demands. But I couldn’t help myself. Also, he gave me the impression that nothing much was happening that side, so I had a sense of pride about me.

“How could I continue down a path that might lead to my own demise? It would be self-harming”, and once a seed is planted in my mind, my anxiety has a field day as it fabricates possible scenarios and how they’d affect me.

But then again, “I walked into this”, I’d tell myself in an attempt to stay grounded.

I have learnt through my youth, that there’s no point in wanting and expecting certain qualities from a partner, yet you are unwilling to reciprocate this through your actions. You need to give as much as you want, expect and need. I’ve learnt that honesty and communication can add so much value.

So when an opportunity presented itself, I asked again. I was here, and ready for the proverbial violence if needed. One thing though, through all my efforts of tipping the scales in my favour, wining, dining and impressing I failed to reconcile or rather, articulate the possibility that my King, caught in between this new found attention, wanted the other and not me.

And through further probing, it became apparent that I was offering far too much than he was able to accept. I had forgotten that we are often blinded by our emotions and what we desire, that we lose sight of what we’re receiving from the other person, this person you’re crazy about after a month or two or longer of knowing each other. My intentions were made evident early on and further cemented with each text, call and hug.

I wanted someone who wasn’t far more concerned about someone else, someone who isn’t me:

I felt helpless. The language used irked me.

In writing this I sought to share this recent experience that left me kind of feeling blind-sided by someone I so much wanted to be with. But I can’t help but think about how I failed to protect myself in the process of sharing myself. Giving too much because I felt, dare I say, safe in the newness of this person. I was more concerned with making him happy, making him see me as I saw me, quirks and all. Seeing potential and longevity in this dance.

Also, upon further introspection, I realised that something was lacking from my end, something he may have received from the other guy and was looking for in me. You see, for some reason, we (our community) have shied away from having relationships and instead have relations, of the sexual variety. I have found myself objectified by those who sought after me, and as a result I’m always on guard and I always question the timing of some of the advances I receive.

Now, here I was in this triangle and I firmly held my ground, ensuring that I didn’t further lose myself and my stuff to something that might not lead anywhere.

In hindsight, I’m also left questioning whether this was a contributing factor for him. Did he expect to have sexual relations with the both of us? Would I have been able to partake in this? These are questions that should have been raised by the both of us, in an ideal world. Am I unnecessarily punishing myself with all these thoughts, post attempt at a relationship?

I don’t know man, but one thing I do know is that I have come out of this process lighter, better and more sure of myself and the decisions I took, for myself.

We’re so often accustomed to coasting through life experiences that come and it can be a laborious task to delve into the thoughts behind our decisions and holding ourselves accountable, but necessary for our growth and further contextualising what we take away.

Here I am, still not a full time gay, hoping the love I know I deserve is out there in search of me as I am of him/them, no longer fending for my cock.

Mona Adam

2016-04-06T07:59:00.007+02:00

It is quite weird to realize how growing up, I was always happy in love, never single, always moving on to the next. With that being said, I recall a time when I found myself committed to five beautiful souls.

It was the December of 2006, the year I began to embrace who I was, the part of me I had been so desperately trying to fight off.

Stuck in an ever-shrinking cloak room, as I inevitably grew older.

Unbelievably, it might have been a ton work, however it worked for me, and it somehow helped with my lacking “self-esteem.” The location of choice for our parties always varied and my lesbian friend always made sure I was aware of any beautiful man that glanced my way. She ensured that I was to be successful in love, even if it was for that one night. However, she did not anticipate the rate in which I would enjoy and seek out my own conquests, as I gained an invaluable sense of importance and esteem I had never felt/had.

Fast forward 10 years now, I am twenty-seven and feel like a tortoise that has found itself on its back, struggling to make sense of the world around me, love.

It is harder now to find love as now I no longer define it by my eyes nor your lustful gaze. No longer that guy always fending for his cock, but always thinking of the future with intentions of laying a foundation for a life that will be mine and hopefully the one I will be walking side by side with.

Gone are the days of finding someone to bring joy to my life for a couple or several weeks. I am in it for the long haul, traversing the tapestries of love as an adult. I find it odd how people choose to define their own relationships and at times recant their previous loves as “just flings,” “time wasted”, and as drafts of an essay find themselves on the floor and around the trash can.

I never want to refer to another person as such, nor do I want my time spent with someone easily forgotten or referred to as such – a waste. For every encounter, every text and call, a slide into the DM's and whimsy gaze are part of my journey.

We often encounter beautiful people in our lives that make their willingness apparent and repelling these advances does not mean them unworthy. just not ready for what you have in store, not ready for the plan. For attracting needs reciprocation and often, we are so self-absorbed in our own lives that these people slip by.

I wish YOU were around. We could lay on the sofa watching TV and then forget it as we start talking a whole lot of shit and laughing. End up on the floor listening to good music and sharing a part of each other. Things we have never shared with anyone else.

Like what, why is it so hard to find such these days or am I just too meticulous?

We all aspire for our lives, whether it be for our careers or personal lives and often both eyes are set on one of these as the other can pass us by. And at times, we are quick to announce to the world "I am ready", scrap-booking our perfect other not considering, what the other may want.

Never stray and stay true. Even if you end up yearning for what you do not have, it will be yours in time.

Crazy, Stupid : LOVE

2012-08-02T00:57:00.005+02:00

Last month, after months (actually almost a year) of persuasion, someone who had always wanted to call myself his, finally twisted my arm and I said “Yes”. The thing is, after my last relationship last year; I told myself that I would take a back seat from the dating world. Every relationship I partook in, ended up being either a total disaster, me being hurt or just losing interest. People have a tendency of portraying a “perfect” and poised persona when they meet a potential mate. “Why?” you may ask, I am not sure, but I would assume that it plays in their favour, as we always create these lists for ourselves of the perfect mate:

· Perfect smile,

· Perfect and fair complexion (apparently the most desired),

· An amazing dresser,

· And a man with money and a provider.

Question is; why do we create such expectations for potential lovers when we do not do the same for ourselves? It is all good to know what you want, but what are you going to offer this “perfect mate” of yours?

· Will you be faithful?

· Will you be all the best you can be and try to be as perfect?

· Or will you grow into the “frumpy” phase and stop living up to the appearance you have created for yourself?

· And will you “pay” him back for his generosity?

In my opinion, these are things I have found people do not consider about themselves and their potential partners.

Okay, I seem to have gotten carried away and side tracked now. So back to the story in question.

We used to work together at a previous company and we did have strong feelings for each other and at one point, we loved each other. But I still did not budge into this relationship he wanted for us. I knew I was not ready, but when would I ever be?

In the quest for “self-enlightenment” and finding clarity of who I was/am and what needed from my other, let alone what I needed of myself.

So, I said yes. And the deal was done. All was well and we continued as we had for some time. The thing is, we ended up having a platonic relationship, so we found it easy to ease into the role of boyfriend and boyfriend.

But, with everything that has to do with Buntu, things were just getting started. The weekend we decided to date, his friends and he had decided to have an informal get together and I was obliged to attend, being his boyfriend. Let me remind you, that this party takes place 3 days after we started dating.

So cool, I get to the party and I get introduced to some of his good friends that have been “dying” to meet me. As we made our way to the patio, my eyes found someone I had never met before, but someone I knew I had to know. I knew right there and there that I had to be a part of his world, be around him and love him unconditionally. I can honestly say that I fell in love with him from that somewhat high and tipsy moment when I arrived. Throughout the evening, I tried to distance myself, as I was with my boyfriend, and being around him evoked feelings that I did not have control over. I was crazy about him, but I had a boyfriend. I played it cool and tried to forget about him.

The evening drew to an end and I found my way to bed with my boyfriend and we slept from exhaustion. We spent the next morning and day in bed, drifting from consciousness to the land of sleep. I left later that afternoon to go meet my friends at Mzoli’s, a local hang out spot in Gugulethu. And all while I was there, I couldn’t stop talking about this boy I just met and felt that we were meant to be. My friends know how I am when it comes to beauty and they brushed it off as one of those moments. But I was soon to find out that there had been a mutual interest, for he followed me on twitter later on that night. We conversed via Direct Message and got to know each other more. My phone died, along with my night. After Mzoli’s, my friends and I ended up at yet another presumptuous township hang out spot, but we made the most of it. Battery drained, money finished and alcohol levels diminished, we headed home. I charged my phone and eagerly awaited a message from him I might have received in the absence of life from my phone.

Nothing…. But I am not one to give up so easily. I sent him a message, he replied. The ball began rolling. He gave me his name on Facebook and I browsed at the few pictures he has. In the midst of the conversations, we exchanged numbers and he called me when I called it a night. What was intended to be a goodbye from his end, ended up being me calling him back and spending the next hour and a half getting to know him better.

Someone I now truly love with all my heart.

In between then and last week, I was plagued with a decision to end one of these relationships I had found myself in. I knew who I wanted to be with, but the only thing going through my mind was how I had wasted “his” time. What if he could have found someone else, but I kept him detained in a futureless and stagnant relationship?

I had to end one of these relationships and I knew which one it had to be, so I sent him a text on BBM:

“Okay. So I have been putting this off for quite some time as I thought I could find a way of telling you without hurting you, but I don't seem there will be a right time, whether it is face to face, or over BBM.

This past month has been, nothing like what I had expected our relationship to be like. We went from being friends with a platonic relationship and a great love, to what I feel to be, lovers with no love at all. Since we started dating, my love for you has diminished and I don't think it shall ever resurface or be what it was. So what I suggest is that we part ways, as friends rather than lovers with resentment. I'm sorry I have to do this, now and via this medium. I just can't continue delaying what should've happened some time ago. I hope you find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved, and you in turn love and treat him the way he needs to be.”

The conversation that followed was civil and things were great. We came to the same conclusion, but I had not mentioned the most important reason, well I’m sure he will when he reads this.

Love manifests itself at the most inappropriate moments as we have a certain plan for ourselves. But there is nothing to do but embrace it as it might not happen again. Life is about making decisions, though some might be perceived as selfish, they are crucial for your own development. I guess what I am trying to say is that love has no time nor does it created allowances for those who might be/believe that they are in love. I found someone I love, but in the process, I had to let go of someone I valued in my life.

Love creates, but it also destroys. Its lifts you up when you are down, and it can also tear you back to reality when you feel like you are on top of the world. It has no clearly set rules and it recreates itself with every relationship as we learn and grow.

LOVE IS WHAT IT IS, AND YOU ARE A FOOL IF YOU ARE ON A QUEST TO UNLOCK ITS MYSTERIES. LET IT TAKE YOU, BUT MAKE SURE YOU CARRY AN EXTRA PARACHUTE.-

Killing Time

2012-07-24T20:13:00.002+02:00

I never understood why people put so much time and energy into the mission that is, SEX, until some time last year. As I look back to the experience that was, I find myself thinking about the first time I climaxed. My first sexual experience on my grandmother's leather couch;

I was watching cartoons, bored stiff - more like flaccid. My left hand found its way down my pants and started stroking my limp, thick scarfed penis, in the hopes that this would occupy my time. It arose in all its might. I remembered my friend Steve making these funny gestures with his right hand, in a motion alien to me. A motion he so happily expressed when he thought our male friends "Kray". So in the moment, I thought, I should explore this phenomenon and see what it was all about.

I stood up and made sure the front door was locked. I lowered my shorts and underwear and continued "killing time". What happened next was unexpected. This meaningless motion which I undertook to occupy myself had metaphorized itself into something so pleasurable. I was taken by it and couldn't find a means to halt "killing time". My attention was no longer on the TV, but on this sensation which gave life to my loins and my eyes locked on the ceiling. I continued - I felt that I had to, needed to go on, faster, but not too much. I had to find an adequate pace. I couldn't miss a second of it. I had to bask in the moment. Let it take me. Be embellished by this momentous experience.

The pleasure started to grow. I couldn't control nor contain myself, screaming inside, but mute on the outside. My mind was a clean canvas, but the cleanliness of it moved me. I felt dirty and yet I didn't give a shit. I was having a one-on-one with myself and no one was invited.
And then, it happened. As if the universe was recreated, the Big Bang, Genesis. I felt pain and so much pleasure. It felt like an atom bomb had gone off in my crotch.

I did not stop.
I could not stop.
I did not want to stop.

But now my once firm and strong penis seemed to be losing life, becoming void. I looked at it, and found it drenched in these juices that scared me at first. I looked down again and it dawned on me. Life studies - I was mastubating and what I felt was an orgasm and what followed was the ejaculate. These juices that left my t-shirt soaked, was my semen. My curiosity got the better of me and I was enjoying the ride.

That was 8 (eight) years ago, before the dating and the drama. Throughout the years, I had found people to love, but always struggled with the concept of intercourse. Since I was in primary school, my grandmother had been providing me with a steady supply of condoms. One of the perks and a misfortune of having a relative working in a hospital. Her forcing these rubber balloons on me made me fear the act. "Never have sex without a condom!" she would scream at me. Even to this day.

But that was then, and things have changed since then.

This act that scared me for far so many years, has become somewhat of a delicacy, one easily obtainable. The act of being in sync with another entity, exchanging bodily fluids, our eyes not being more than a meter apart always seems to excite me and urge me to bite my lower lip.
Ecstasy personified in a moment.
A moment owned by two people.
Two people reliving the times they "killed time".
An average time of 22 seconds of "killing time".

So when I was home alone, sometime last year, and had nothing to do but watch TV and chat on BBM, I invited a friend over. My intentions were innocent, until I really became bored and initiated an innocent kiss. It was nothing special, but sensual kisses shared by two friends who had love for each other.
I honestly thought that it wouldn't lead anywhere, but it did. Little did I know that he had always had a soft spot for me and wanted us to kick it up a notch.
Clothes miraculously found their way to the floor, don't ask me how as I don't recall. We occupied the entire volume of my bedroom and nothing else mattered but that present moment.
One thing led to another and he stopped, gave me a lust filled gaze, a gaze that spoke volumes with no requirement for words.

We went for it. At every turn, our eyes find each other and I can honestly say, it felt perfect. It was my first time and I had no regrets of the moments that followed. It was everything I wished it to be and I was surprised by the ending. Out of breath, slightly disorientated and wanting more, I stood up with my hands on waist laughing with excitement. "Let's do it again!" I asked him, but that obviously didn't go far.....

Far too often we say we are saving ourselves for the right person. Truth is, there is no right or wrong person, only the right time when you truly feel ready and have opened yourself up to the idea of it and the moment when everything is finished and you can't turn back time. The idea of looking back and reminiscing about your first time and not regretting it.
Finding excitement in the idea of it and sometimes making comparisons.

At the end of the day (morning or evening), its time, time either killed perfectly or time wasted.
Just make sure it is the right time
Perfectly "Killed Time".-

Mistaken Identities

2012-07-23T00:39:00.001+02:00

Ever found yourself in a position whereby you saw someone you didn't know... and you thought they were perfect, nothing about him/her was imperfect...and all you wanted was to be around that person because they seemed to exude such an amazing aura?
I have, far too many times and I have a habit of not learning, not growing and not being able to distinguish between what is real and what will lead to pain:

I followed your life from a distance
I followed you at a distance
Pacing myself
Preparing my life
Making reservations for us,
But all I ever did was wait for that bus.

I loved you then
I love now
I will love you forever
Until I love you numb,
Continuously making reservations
Awaiting the devastation

You were all I wanted
You played me coy
Your perfection personified
A well put together porcelain mannequin
Always reserved
That memory I will always preserve

But like all the others that came before you, all I saw was the perfection of porcelain. The smooth polished skin that you used to cloak your true self. The dapper exterior you manifest every sunrise would have made any man lose himself in your perfectly sculpted loins: the palms of my not so perfect grasps always seemed to fit so naturally there.

You drove, you drive, you directed me to sanity. Sanity lost in profanity. Profanity forged from vanity but aren't we all?
For if I had not found myself vain, I would not be in this pain.

[Singing]

"Love rain, down on me. On me, down on me.
Love rain, down on me. On me, down on me."

Wet as I was and drenched to the core, I found my in thirst quenched, but all I wanted was more.
Not more lies, fabricated from whatever explanation his sanity concocted to make him feel better about himself.
Not more devastation created from a Caucasian lie that lead to my black death.
Not more pretenses to elude that truth.

I wanted more love, my one true weakness, after a well put together porcelain mannequin. Not pain. But what is one without the other? What is the light without darkness?

I made reservations for us,
But all I ever did was wait for that bus, contemplating the devastation

Always reserved, yes you were. And that memory I will always preserve.-