I am being

I am being blessed with imperfect skin

2011-02-18T08:47:00.000-08:00

Just now, I was in my bathroom putting on my new W3LL Narcissist Stick Foundation (thanks to No More Dirty Looks for introducing me). I caught myself in the mirror and with no pre-meditated thoughts, said outloud, “I am blessed with imperfect skin.”   I paused, hearing what I had just said and thought, wow that is true.

I regularly say that I was blessed with fibroymalgia, because it made me truly listen to my heart. I was always in so much pain physically that I could not stand to carry around emotional pain, as well.   I noticed that when I was in situations that I did not like, working jobs that I did not like, or when I was holding things in that my pain multiplied. Really, the pain was always there, but when I was I doing things that I loved it was easy to ignore.

At the age of 15, after hitting an ultimate painful low, emotionally and physically (I was still undiagnosed at that point) I started to completely tell the truth, to speak my truth. I chose to tell my parents what I was really up to on the weekends, when I said I was spending the night over my friend, Ali’s. I chose to speak up in high school, to not be afraid of being disowned by the “cool” kids. I said what I thought, even if it was uncomfortable.

Over the years, I have committed to this. It is not always easy to speak up, but I have to. My body won’t let me get away with not. Sometimes, I don’t even know what it is, but I feel the pain, the anxiety in my body and I know, there is something that I am not saying. There is something I must get clear about.

So, no matter who it is with, a top artist that I am working for, a tough guy boss, a friend who I looked up to, my parents, a love interest, or even myself, I have to speak up. My body won’t let me play games. My body won’t let me fake it.

Today, when “I am blessed with imperfect skin” came out of me, I paused to ponder that. “Whatever do you mean, Tricia?” I asked myself.   I have always battled acne prone skin. It runs in my family. I have tried all sorts of things. I have accepted it.

I don’t wear makeup everyday anymore, sometimes I go weeks without. I walk just as tall with my imperfections covered as I do with them bare for all to see. My skin, does not define me. Perhaps, I have been blessed with my skin for me to see that my true beauty lies within, and from there shines out. Perhaps, I have been blessed with my imperfect skin to teach me to love and accept all imperfections, internal and external.

Do I want clear skin with no visible pores and no signs of scarring? Abso-freaking-lutely! Do I try out new products, get facials, use purifying masks? Of course, but I am not caught up in “if only I had clear skin”. I accept what is. I accept who I am, scars, blemishes in all. The ones on my face and the ones on the inside, too.

What blessings can you find in your own life?

I am being 30

2011-02-15T08:03:00.000-08:00

I did it! I turned 30!

I have always felt much older than my actual age and never got caught up on the number. A good majority of my friends and people that I have worked with are far, far older than I (twice my age) and I never felt out of place. To tell you the truth, when people ask me my age I have to do the math. What year is it? Okay, subtract that from 1981, so that makes me….

30, though, feels different. Something tells me that I won’t have to do the math this year. I will be able to immediately answer with I am 30! I am proud to be 30. I will admit that growing up I swore up and down that I would be married with kids before this age, it seemed so old. My mother had me at 30, and I made up that she was too old when I was growing up, but of course she wasn’t. I still crave to have a happy family of my own, but I am not attached to the timing that happens in. My ultimate dream of being a mother will happen at the perfect time.

For as far back as I can remember, I have been a five year old where my birthday is concerned. As soon as the new year hits, I become giddy with excitement. My birthday is coming!!!! Friends teased me when the day came around, “Woah, it’s your birthday? I had no idea!” This seeped into me, and made me question my excitement. Is it wrong to be so excited about celebrating myself? So, I went through periods of not showing this on the outside. I played my excitement down. It has built back over the last few years, but there was still something deep inside keeping me from fully celebrating me in front of others.

This year, turning 30, felt different for many reasons, but the biggest reason for me is that this is the first year in a long time (probably since I was a kid) that I 100% fully accepted love and did not hide one bit of excitement for my big day, for my big life. I planned the day out myself and did not have one bit of anxiety on how it would work out, the timing of things, if friends would get along, any of it. I only had pure, unabashed joy.

I celebrated me, full out. I was not ashamed. As the clock hit midnight, entering into my big day, I posted this on my facebook page and wow did it feel good. I didn’t pause to think, “What will people think of this? of me? Is that wrong?”

30! I luurrrrrrvvvee Birthdays! I gots no problem celebrating me and the amazing life that is mine. I am whole. I am complete. I am fulfilled. I am vulnerable. I am love. I am who I am and I fucking love who I am. Thank you all for your contribution to who I am. You done well, if I do say so myself.

The entire day was a dream. I celebrated with an entirely new family in the city that I have always dreamt to call home and now is. I was surrounded by a collection of new friends, most of whom I have only even hung out with once or twice and who did not know each other. None, of that mattered, we all were immediately family.

On my special day, I received an outpouring of love via text, phone, email, twitter, and facebook. Friends from my many pasts, friends from my absolute now, friends that I have not met yet all enveloped me in love. I accepted that love. I am worthy of that love. I truly got that I am fully supported. This is my family. You are all my family. We are all famil
.
We really are one. I see that now.

In writing my book and working with new clients, I fully get that the reason I am able to serve you, the reason that I am able to keep an open heart towards all, to be the ultimate space holder is because I fully love and accept myself. All of me. All of the past. All of the nasty thoughts. All of what I do and what I don’t do. I one hundred f*cking percent love and accept myself. I am a work in progress. We all are, and because I can fully see me, junk and all, I fully see you, junk and all.

I believe in me. I believe in you. No matter what happened, no matter what happens.
I am the perfect balance of pure COMPASSION with NO BULLSHIT. I believe in you, I believe in me, but I am not letting either of us of the hook. Life is meant to be lived, period.

Hello 30!! I will leave you with this, Fuck Your Fears, this life is yours. xoxo

I am being that the world wants me to show up as me.

2011-02-04T20:31:00.000-08:00

A couple of months ago, one of my followers emailed me about an opportunity to work with Seth Godin on his Domino Project. He was looking for:

…two or three people to work with me in my office outside of New York, engaged in every element of the project, from copywriting and editing to social media to business development to promotion. My goal is to offer you a hands on experience with full exposure to the market, to technology and to shipping great work out the door. When we’re done, I think you’ll be qualified to start your own gig or find a great job in media.

I was immediately intrigued and grateful that she thought to share this with me. Although, I have not read any of Seth’s books, I know his name, I read his blogs here and there (not regularly), and I am most definitely inspired by him and what he is up to. I chose not to apply, as I was and still am fully committed to my own projects (for the first time in my life) right now, most importantly getting my first book written and published.

A few times since then my mind has wandered back to thinking about the project, as I know it is a big one, with a great opportunity to learn. I thought about how cool it would have been to be a part of it, but knowing that I made the right choice, regardless of whether he would have chosen me or not. Then, low and behold last week I see that The Domino Project is now looking for people to be a part of it’s street team. I didn’t exactly know what that meant (to be honest, I still don’t) but I knew that I had to apply immediately. I knew that I wanted to be a part of this.

So, I applied and I applied with passion! I don’t even know what I said or how I answered the questions, but I know I was showing up 100% as being me and also showing that I wanted in. I didn’t write from a place of “you need me!” or “I need you!”, but of outright passion and truth and Holy F@*$ing Shit, I was chosen!

When I opened my You’re In email from the Domino Project’s chief evangelist, Amber Rae, I jumped up and down for about 5 minutes straight. That evening, I started to virtually meet my fellow chosen Street Teamers and my excitement quadrupled, to put it lightly.

I am in the company of a collection of truly amazing and inspiring people. As I read their bios and checked out their websites I was beyond stoked to be a part of this team. My thoughts included, “I can learn a lot from them!” ” I am so going to be picking their brains!”. I was completely high on life.

The next day, I remembering pausing before sending out a tweet out into twitterspace. What will my new team members think of that? Many of Team Domino was now following me on twitter, as I was them. I started thinking of how my reflection was going to show up to them. I am a lot different than these people, I wonder what they think about me?

I wasn’t getting down on myself, I was just getting real with myself. I mean, I am still very new to writing and blogging, I know very little about the publishing world, I use words like “stoked”, I don’t use proper grammer or punctuation, I cuss openly, and I could go on and on and on here on ways I am not like them. I started to wonder if they were wondering why I had been chosen.

Lucky for me, my whole mission in life is inspiring people to love and accept who they are and to be who they are. Guess what? That applies to me, too!

What I get is: YES, I am a lot different than my team members, but consider that is exactly why I was picked. The others may have more similarities to each other, (or not I just may be making up that they do) but not one of them is alike, either. Consider that this project will be that much stronger because of our individualities and our backgrounds. If Seth and the Domino Project wanted a team of people that were all up to exactly the same thing, with the same ideas, they would have picked those people (b-o-r-i-n-g).

I am worthy of being in the company of this team. And I am really F@$%ing excited.
Consider that what the world wants from you is for you to show up as you.

More to come on what this project means to me and my inspiring team members!

I am being Grudgeless

2011-02-03T18:10:00.000-08:00

Many of you know my back-story, that from the ages of 19-28 I was a professional live sound monitor engineer. I toured the world with Grammy Award Winning Artists making sure that every person on stage was hearing the perfect mix of vocals and instruments to their liking. They each get a personal mix that best suites them to have them performing at their best. Meanwhile, the sound engineer out in the audience (front of house) is mixing for all of you out there in attendance.

When I was not on the road working for one at artist at a time, I did plenty of local gigs and huge festivals where big name artists would come through without a monitor engineer on staff. So, I would step in for the day.

Often times on these local gigs, I got to step in to mix monitors for bands that I loved, some even that I idolized. During the summer of 2004, I was so excited to get to do a show with one of my favorite artists of the previous few years. Not only did she have an amazing voice, but her songs were absolutely beautiful lyrically. I could listen to her CD on repeat over and over again and truly feel it. The messages in her songs reached females everywhere, building self-confidence and love. Not only did I get to see her live, I got to work with her. I got to be the one that delivered her performance to her. WooHoo! And you know what? She was a complete bitch, seriously. Not just to me, but to everyone. She was cold and mean to her band, the crew that did travel with her, her mother, even the audience. Throughout my day of working with her, I did not see her smile once. I did not see one friendly or loving piece of her.

After that day, I never listened to her music again. If it came on the radio, I changed it immediately. I buried her CDs, I actually may have even thrown them out. I didn’t just boycott her though, I vocally dissed her as well. Anytime that her music came on, I took the opportunity to tell everyone what a true bitch she was. I did this for years.

Then, sometime in the last two years I forgave her. I let go of my grudge against her. I learned about the concept of holding space and who I was being and I realized that those concepts applied to things that had happened in the past too. I was still holding onto them, so they were still a part of me and who I am being today. Who cares if my interpretation of her that day was that she is a bitch. Maybe, she is a bitch. Who cares? Who am I being by holding onto my grudge against her? The truth is that I still love her music. I love the lyrics that she writes and sings.

Maybe she had a bad day that one day back in 2004, in San Diego? Maybe she was used to working with her own monitor engineer and was afraid of the idea of working with a stranger? Maybe she had huge stage fright and actually hated performing in front of an audience? Maybe she was grieving? Maybe she was sick? Maybe those are all excuses for her behavior that day. True, she as well needs a lesson in who she is being at all times, for all people, but who I am being in judging her?

What is more important for me to get is that whatever is going on over there, I am still responsible for who I am being at all times. I choose to hold space for all people, attitudes, actions, thoughts, ideas, and on and on and on, whether I agree with them or not. I choose to be actively free of judgement. Who I am I to judge her? Who I am being by holding onto a grudge? Who am I to spread my version of her to others?

I have forgiven her. I have let go of my grudge. I am free.
Just now on my Pandora, one of her songs came on and without any hesitation I started to sway and swing along. For this I am grateful.

What grudge can you let go of today?

—————————————————————————————————————
Now, that I am reminiscining about my days behind the console. I am going to throw in few old pics!

2002 House Of Blues Chicago- where it all started

2005 Lollapalooza Grant Park Chicago

2005 Radio City Music Hall on tour with Dolly Parton

Got my thinking face on...figuring out my new digital console 2005

2008- on tour with Tom Cochrane, John Mellancamp's crew plays a practical joke on me...

2006 on tour with Natalie Cole -catching my reflection of my gear & I squeezed into the VIP booth of the Viper Room for a special show

Fun times!

I am being Perfect in my Imperfections

2011-01-22T18:11:00.000-08:00

I have discovered beauty from the inside out.

I have found my path. I trust my path. I am allowing the universe to show up and do its work. I am not stressing or pushing to have a physical result to show people or myself.

I am shining from the inside out. I am at peace. I am allowing. I am accepting. I look into the mirror and see myself radiating. People comment, ” Wow you are so beautiful”. ” You are glowing”. People that have known me for years. People that I have only met a few times and people that I have just met.

On the outside, I am not perfect in any way except for my imperfections. I have laugh lines deep around my eyes that my makeup seeps into and makes more visible. I have blemishes that are not well disguised. I have large visible pores. My hair is wavy with some parts deciding to go straight. I have a tendency towards a dry scalp that lends me gorgeous flakes in my hair and sometimes down to my shoulders. I am tall and fit but not neccessarily slim. I have a full booty. A belly that stretches around to my back for love handles. I have arm fat that surrounds my strong muscles. I got it all.

I fully accept all of these parts of me. Do I look for a better eye cream and skincare line? Yes. Do I eat well and exercise? Yes. But, I don’t fuss I don’t fret. This is who I am right now. Right here, today, and I love and accept it. I love and accept me in all of my imperfections. I am perfect in my imperfections.

There is always room for growth internally and externally but that doesn’t mean I make myself feel less than right now.

Accept yourself. Love yourself. Show up for yourself. Be perfect in all of your imperfections. You are gorgeous. You are glowing. You are on your path.

Consider that wherever you are now is part of your path. There is no wrong path. Yours just may twist and turn along the way. You may go straight for a while and then hit a turn. You may end up taking U-turns. You may drive round and round in circles. Trust it, allow it, love it and love you, all of you.

I am being with the weather.

2011-01-18T18:14:00.000-08:00

I could possible win an award for the amount I check up on, or don’t check on, to be more accurate weather reports. This morning, when I opened my blinds I noticed some fresh snow on the railing of my fire escape. As I was getting ready to leave for yoga, I thought about the fresh snow and wondered if I better wear my wellies (rainboots, if you don’t know). I figured it was just a little fresh snow and the streets have been quite clean from the last fall, so I chose my cozy Uggs.

I stepped out the door, to discover some wetness, or really a LOT of wetness. Halfway down the block, I thought, “Do I go back up and change?”. I had left a few minutes later then usual already and I don’t like to be late or even on time for yoga. I like to be early. So, I chose to keep on walking the mile to my yoga studio. I doubted it would be that bad.

In fact, it turned out to be the most weather that I have yet endured here in NYC. Cold, rainy sleet coming down onto my wool coat and into my face. Slushy snow and puddles covering the ground and making it very interesting for stepping from sidewalk to street. After only a few blocks, my cozy Uggs had become swamps that I could not escape, but it was just weather. It was just wetness. Did I wish that I had worn my wellies instead? Of course, I did. But, I didn’t. That is it, end of story. I am not making myself wrong, or getting angry or doubting my choices. I am not scolding myself for not checking the weather.

Life is a game, an adventure and this was part of my adventure for today. I actually flashed back to my trip back to visit my family over Christmas. My niece and nephew (8 and 5) had just recieved Mario Brothers for their Wii and I really got into playing it while I was there. As I picking where to place my feet along my path, to get the least amount of swamp foot, I thought, this is just like Mario Brothers. Today, I reached a new world on the game and it happened to be the world of wet winter storm. Am I going to quit the game because it doesn’t look as fun as the one where I get to leap into clouds? Heck no. I like this life game (and Mario game) I am not going to let the world that I walked into today stop me from getting closer to rescuing the princess.

Walking in the slushy streets reminds me to be present to the now. I first noticed this on New Year’s Eve, when I left my house in 5 inch heels (not normal for my attire) while there was remnant snow patches from the big blizzard still about. I often walk with my cell phone in hand, texting, tweeting, taking notes of my thoughts, etc. With the snow and slush, I put the phone away and pay close attention to where each foot is going to land. For this, I am grateful for the weather that allows me to slow down and be with it, to be present with what is there.

I am being with the Little Things.

2011-01-11T18:15:00.000-08:00

I take SUCH great pleasure, in such LITTLE things and I absolutely LOVE it.

Just now, I was passing my freshly steeped pomegranate green Tulsi tea back and forth between a mason jar full of ice and an old sauerkraut jar to cool the tea off, I was craving iced tea. Back and forth, back and forth and for some reason this made me giggle with joy and feel overcome with pride. I felt like a little pro bartender mixing up my patron’s order. Seriously, this small action brought me pride and joy.

Earlier today on the way to my local health food store, I passed two men who are visible into their 70s. One was dressed in a sweatsuit and carrying a basketball, the other was wearing, jeans, a nice top hat, and wool coat. I noticed the basketball and wondered if perhaps the man in the sweatsuit was going to meet his grandchild to play at the park that is right by my apartment. On my way back from the store, I glanced up when passing the park and spotted those two men, on a basketball court playing, just them out shooting hoops on this mighty chilly day. I LOVE IT!

When stopping by the library to return a few books and pick up my newest holds, I was finishing up my green juice that I had just got at the health food store and the woman checking me out asked me if I minded telling her where I had got the juice. She lives on the other side of town and hasn’t found anywhere in this neighborhood to find any. Are you kidding me? Do I mind? I rattled off 3 places nearby, complete with cross streets, prices and their green juice offerings. I love to share!

Lately, I find myself gliding around my apartment acting as if I am a ballerina. I am not present to my actions until I am mid leg lift or turn and then I lite up with laughter at myself. It could be the after effects of watching Black Swan or my re-gaining of strength in my core muscles from my consistent yoga-ing. Either or, I love the randomness of it.

What are some little things that brought you joy today?

I am being with what I don't know, I don't know

2011-01-02T18:18:00.000-08:00

Last week, floating out of a yoga class feeling the most incredible mix of relaxation and rejuvination, I got present to the fact that many people out there have no idea that feeling this amazing exists.   I myself had forgotten it existed, not because I felt like crap before class, but actually because in fact, before class I felt pretty damn good.   This got me pondering as to how we as people can be stunting our own growth and happiness, because we simply already “think” we feel great or good enough.

I flashed back to last year when one of my best friends told me she wasn’t interested in attending an amazing workshop that I had recently gone to because she is already “good”.    “I already have a positive outlook on life, I don’t really stress, I am happy”, she said, “so I don’t think I need it”.

What was getting in the way of her attending this transformational workshop was WHAT SHE DIDN’T KNOW, SHE DIDN’T KNOW. Prior to taking the workshop myself, I too was “good”, great in fact. I was already known to be and I felt inside that I was one of the most positive people around. I already enjoyed every moment, but I also knew and still know that there is always room for growth. There is always more to uncover, there is always learning to be had.   It wasn’t that I thought my friend “needed” to take the workshop, that there was something wrong with her, just like there was nothing wrong with me or wrong with you, but WHY NOT take it?

I had signed up for the workshop, for the same reason I do many things, I said to myself “WHY NOT?” If I like it, I like it, if I don’t, I don’t. Either way, I won’t know until I try. I was not searching for this workshop or one like it, I found it via a friend who had taken it. Like me, he was already I true lover of life pre-workshop, but when he came out he was on fire in a new way. So, I said, well, WHY NOT. I didn’t know what I would get out of it, I really wasn’t looking to get anything out of it, but I was open to it and open to see what showed up.

This WHY NOT mindset of mine applies to all areas of my life, whether it be a food, exercise, music, a book, on and on and on. This doesn’t mean that I am constantly searching, but that I am open, that I don’t put up walls, and that I am aware that WHAT I DON’T KNOW, I DON’T KNOW exists.

I am completely happy and content each day, but not in a way that cuts off room for growth. I leave space and stay open to all that life has to offer. I get that you may be happy or good in your life right now, YAY for you, right! But, let this be a reminder that growth of all kinds is available to you, even if you don’t think you need it.

I am being with memories everywhere

2010-12-17T18:20:00.000-08:00

Memories. They are all over, it is truly amazing all of the things that can trigger moments from our pasts.

Just now, I was transferring my jewelry over into a new organizer that I bought at The Container Store (my heaven). Piece by piece, I put my accessories into their new pockets, they now each get a little spot to themselves, no more tangles.   Most of it I rarely wear, perhaps because most of them have lived in storage and not in the suitcase that always travels with me, but now we actually get to share a home together and I am getting re-acquainted with them all.

Very few of these earrings, bracelets, necklaces, and rings have I actually purchased for myself, most I have collected as hand me downs and gifts. My mother’s mother had an amazing collection of costume jewelry, really original stuff. Each time I was in town visiting she pulled her jewelry drawer open for me to look around. I was only allowed to take one or two pieces per visit, because she insisted I share with all the other grandkids, but no one else cared for her outlandish accessories at the time, so I have ended up with pretty much all of it.

Along with my collection of Grandma Hanser’s costume jewelry I have bracelets hand crafted by my sister, gifts from my mother, a pair of earrings from one of my best friend’s that were brought back for her from Egypt, and odd pieces that I have bought in my travels. There is a brightly beaded necklace from a personal vacation to Bali in 2007, that I am quite sure I only wore once.   A gold embellished bracelet that I bought in Toledo, Spain on a trip abroad with a group in high school, when I was 17. A black leather bracelet that belongs to Billy Idol that he left on stage the first show I worked with him at House of Blues Chicago in 2002. My personal favorite is a gold ring with an Islamic prayer engraved into it that I bought at the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul when I was on tour with Natalie Cole in 2007.

As I move each piece from one organizer to the other, these memories come up, memories of where they came from and where I have worn the. The one that really causes me to stop in my tracks is my Grandma Anderson’s long pearl necklace.   Just last fall my aunt passed it along to me, and it has been in storage ever since. My father’s mother passed away when I was 10 after a hard battle with cancer. Although I barely remember my childhood, I remember having a bond with her that was like no other. I have always felt her with me. I know she is and has always been watching my closely, protecting me. For most of the past 19 years of my life, it was my Grandmother Anderson that I prayed to.

The only nik-nak like item that I have kept in my possession after all of my moves and travels is a brass rocking horse figurine that was hers. Even when I didn’t have a home, the brass horse lived on the parking break of my Toyota 4 Runner. It has always had a home with me and now I have another piece of her with me. The pearls feel so special in my hand that I don’t know if I can actually bring myself to wear them.

I remember where each piece of clothing, each pair of shoes, nearly everything in my possession is from, where I bought it, and what year. This is because my life has always been in motion. It is easy for me to remember based on the tour that I was on, because I mostly shop when I am on tour as that is when I am making a solid income and it is the perfect thing to do when exploring a new or favorite town on a day off. There are memories sewn into everything in my possession.

I love these moments of reflections. I am not my past, but all of those bits have shaped me and continue to shape me. I never allow memories that may be good or bad, happy or sad to pull me down, to weigh me down. I use all of my memories to live, because new memories are being made as I type. I am empowered by all that surrounds me, by my past, by my future and most importantly my NOW.

my dream, and sometimes I forget.

2010-12-17T09:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I forget.

I forget what my passion is, what my why is, what my gift to the world is. I don't mean forget as in I become, depressed, or sad, or lonely. I just enjoy such small things that I forget about all of the projects I am creating to serve others. I watch TV shows online. I get wrapped up in reading facebook updates, or twitter. I read friends blogs, I open links on all of these pages and read more about more people. Time disappears and I am not working on my projects. I have forgotten them.

Sometimes I forget.

I forget that reading twitter and facebook updates, watching TV shows online, opening links and reading more about more people inspires me. I am learning. I am seeing the world in views that are not entirely my own. I forget that by doing all of those things or any of those things I am serving myself and others because I am allowing it to stir up thoughts, ideas, emotions within and those thoughts, ideas, emotions within are what guide the projects that I am creating.

Sometimes I forget that it can all serve the greater good, if I allow it to. If I allow my diversions to serve me and not guilt me. One of my favorite quotes is:

"The time you enjoy wasting, is not wasted time." - Bertrand Russell

Sometimes I forget.

Does this mean that I will now allow myself to spend all of my time in these diversions? No, but for me it is a reminder to allow myself to be there. If I am reading updates then I will allow myself to fully be there and not let an inner voice tell me I should be somewhere else. If I am allowing myself to watch a TV episode online, then I will allow myself to fully enjoy it and be moved by it (I get seriously emotionally pulled in and I love that) and not be telling myself it is wrong to be watching TV.

Sometimes I forget that I forget that life is meant to be lived. Sometimes I forget that I am allowed to simply be in it and enjoy it, that I don't need to be working towards my dreams at all times. My dream is to inspire everyone to fully live their life and love their life right now, right where the are.

Sometimes I forget that I do that just in living mine, that my dream is not actually work, it is my life.
Sometimes I forget that in living each day and loving each day that I am working towards my dreams, that I am living my dreams. I already am my dreams. Sometimes I forget that everything that I could ever desire, I already am.

Sometimes I forget that I get to choose where I am and that does not just apply to my physical location or any other status, it refers to where I am with myself. If I am choosing to work on my project right now, then that is where I am. If I am choosing to soak up inspiration via social media, TV, and more than I will fully choose it and this will allow myself more space to fully be present for my passion.

Sometimes I forget that my passion, my why, my gift to the world is in action with every breath I take, with every thought that comes up, with each and every moment spent here or there.

Who I am is not how I show up when I know everyone is watching. Who I am is how I show up when I think no one, even myself is watching.

a choice to live

2010-12-12T09:01:00.000-08:00

It is currently 4:22PM on Tuesday. I am sitting on my sofa (new sofa! I have furniture!) catching up on a few of my friend’s blogs via the interweb on my laptop. I am somewhat wasting time.
I have a client session at 6PM. My plan for today was to write. That is it. Today was to be a writing day for my book, but it turns out that I did little writing.

I did start with that intention this morning by opening the document. Upon opening it, I discovered a new way to organize it the file into chapters instead of just creating page breaks. So, I did that, creating ten chapter seperations for what I have already written (not that all chapters are completed). Now it was time to write.

I hit the tab for the chapter that describes the day I find out my Dad had been found dead. I start to read it, to see what I have written and where I have left off. I know that I have not written it all yet. I know that I have really not gone that far at all even though it says there are 9 pages to this section already. I read over what I have written and start editing it. I am cutting parts out that are more setting up the day and not really what happened and realize I have to call my sister.

I have been putting off calling my sister for clarification about the phone message that she left for me that day, that gave me the news.   Did she tell me to call her or did she leave the news on the message? I am sure she must have told me to call her, she wouldn’t have left the news of our father’s death on the voicemail, right? But, it was a big surprise, so maybe she was in shock when she left it?

I don’t want to ask her this question, because I don’t want her to have to remember that day and all of the emotions that may come up for her, but I have already put it off for over a month. I actually have to ask her about another phonecall, too. Digging in to all of these moments of my life is quite emotional. I am grateful for everything that has happened in my life because it has made me who I am, but in many ways I have forgotten about it all.   I have gotten really good at living in the present and not dwelling in the past, but now it is necessary for me to go there. Unfortunately, this means bringing my loved ones there too as I want to know all of the details and not just what my memory banks are giving me. I don’t want to bring any pain to my loved ones, but I also want to tell my story.

I call my sister and she seems fine with answering this question. She actually remembers it very clearly. I don’t know why I assumed she wouldn’t? She lost her father that day, too. Her life was changed that day too. She may not of created a new career because of it, but she is certainly not the same pre-loss and past-loss, either.    She does not get emotional in answering, but is very knowledgible and straight ahead.    I am grateful for her answer.

That was at 12 noon today. I have not looked at my document since. I let myself be distracted by answering ads for the items I am giving away on FreeCycle. I did some online window shopping. I stalked facebook, twitter, and even perezhilton.com. I kept very busy during those hours, but I didn’t write.

I told myself that I get easily distracted. I guess today was a wash, I say as I get cozy on my new sofa. I can start over tomorrow though, the day is almost over. I think about how I haven’t gone to yoga yet and I am hungry. If I eat I won’t be able to do yoga on a full stomach. I have errands to run, but I am waiting for my client session. I will just start over tomorrow. I will do yoga tomorrow. I will do the errands tomorrow.

Then, I caught myself. Um…Why don’t I just start over right now? If I want to start the day over, then start the day over. It really can be that easy.    I can easily fit a few errands in before my session. I can easily pull myself of my ass and into action. I am the one in control.

What also realized is that I haven’t just been shielding and trying to protect the emotions of my loved ones, I have been doing it to myself. Sure, I talk about the fact that my dad’s death inspired me to create my joyology a lot, but actually going back to those days, those months, to all of my grieving and loss, hmmmm, it may be harder than I thought. I want to do it though. I am going to do it., because I make up that is important if for no one else, than for me.

Loss is hard. No matter how or when it happens and that is why I choose to live and I choose it over and over and over again.

A constant ? to you -What do you love about yourself?

2010-12-03T09:02:00.000-08:00

I love asking people this question and I love hearing the answers. In fact, on my personal message for my cellphone I ask for the caller to tell me what they love about themselves. This makes listening to my messages so much more fun and gives the caller a chance to acknowledge themselves. I really love when people that don’t know me call, such as salespeople. Of course, a lot of people ignore it and some people seem to think if they have answered the question once before then it doesn’t apply to them. Once, my sister left me a message and said something like, “It’s time for a new question.” Yet, I am pretty sure that she has never once answered it.

When people do choose to answer I get incredibly excited to hear what they have to say. In fact, sometimes I save them because it is just so moving to hear somebody get to say what they love about themselves, especially when they are not planning on being asked a question like this.

The other day I enquired about gym membership prices at some local gyms via the interweb. I had my phone on silent and didn’t see when someone from one of the gyms was calling. I didn’t recognize the missed call number, so listened to the voicemail. Dylan, of one of the gyms, was calling to invite me to check out the facilities and tell me about the specials that were going to on and at the end of the message he said and “Oh yeah, what do I love about myself? I love my family.” I was soooo excited that he had answered, and I am super happy that he loves his family, but that really isn’t answering the question. I called Dylan back to talk about the gym and before hanging up I said, “And by the way, I love that you answered the “What do you love about yourself?” question, but you didn’t really answer it, you know that right?” He laughed and agreed, saying he was caught of guard by the question. He then shared with me that he loves that he is tall, but he still wants to think about it. Great!

I also received a voicemail this week from someone at the management team for one of the artists that I work for. He was calling to ask me a business question and then left an amazing answer to my question, “What do you love about yourself?”. I wasn’t sure if he was going to answer as he is a repeat caller and he has answered the question before. Like, I said, many people act as if they are only invited to answer as first time message leavers. He answered and with not the same answer! Yes! He was able to channel right now, what does he love about himself. What comes up first, not a go-to answer but what comes up for him right now. He then went on to thank me for having that on my message to remind him of that. Love it!!

On day 8 of Cafe Gratitude’s logbook, which one of my clients and I did this week (we are now on day 12, yay!) the exploration for the day is to acknowledge five things that you love about yourself. Really, my client is the one doing the logbook and I am guiding her through it, but I still like to play along. I chose to tweet the exploration and then asked myself the question, thinking that naming 5 things that I love about myself will slide right off of my tongue. I did not just want to nod my head and say, yep, I got more than five things I love about myself, no problemo, I wanted to play along actively and say my answers outloud, even if I was the only one to hear it.

I called out three right away, and then I surprised myself with a long pause. I actually sat there and thought about it, hmmm “What else do I love about myself?” I mean I know there is a lot, but suddenly expressing outloud even to myself I got stopped. I just took a moment again, now, to ask myself again to name 5 things that I love about myself and this time they did run right of my tongue.

So, lets make it so these answers roll off our tongues all the time no matter what is going on. I invite you to ask this question to yourself and to everyone else regularly. When having a disagreement with someone, throw in, “What do you love about yourself?”. When checking out at your local store, ask your checker, “What do you love about yourself?”. When catching up with old friends and new, ask, “What do you love about yourself?”. When tucking your kiddies in at night, ask them “What do you love about yourself?”.

What do you love about yourself, in this now moment?

an invitation to be free of judgement

2010-11-27T09:05:00.000-08:00

We, as people really seem to love to judge.

I witness Raw foodists judging vegans.

I witness Vegans judging vegetarians.

I witness Vegetarians judging meat eaters.

I witness meat eaters judging non-meat eaters.

I witness the health conscious judging the McDonald’s eaters.

I witness the organic eaters judging the non-organic eaters.

I witness yogis judging those that go to fancy night clubs.

I witness yogis judging yogis who practice another form of yoga then themselves.

I witness those who listen to one type of music judging those who listen to another type of music.

I witness those who don’t wear animal products (i.e. leather) judge those who do.

This list can go on and on and on.

Where does it get us, as people, to judge so much? Do we feel better about ourselves in judging others? I am aware that these judgments may trigger automatically inside of our heads, but we have the ability to change our thoughts, even once they come up.

Other people may not have the same beliefs as us, they may live different lifestyles then us, but what does the negative energy that judgements carry provide for ourselves and for others? It does not serve anyone!

If you want to share your lifestyle with others, no matter what choices you make, no matter what music you listen to, no matter what you eat then just be happy with yourself and your choices. I see that as the most welcoming thing. I am much more apt to listen to someone who shines from the inside out.

I don’t push yoga, affirmations, conscious eating, yerba mate or anything else that I practice on anyone else. But, because people see me full of energy, healthy and happy they are open to me and the ask me for tips to get it for themselves.

I am the first to say that my way is not the “right” way, which means that there is no “wrong” way. It is just what I find works for me.

I live my life to be open to all and when I say all, I MEAN ALL!

Free yourself from judgment and surround yourself and all others with love.

If we all were the same, life would be pretty damn boring!

I am being an expression of myself in everything-even decorating.

2010-11-25T09:22:00.000-08:00

It is quite interesting to me, this decorating and furnishing of my own apartment. I have had apartments to myself a few times, but I always knew they were temporary. My last spot in Hermosa Beach I loved and I did sign a 6 month lease, but it was an escape location of sorts. It was a little spot of my own to have when figuring out where to go next. I did furnish it, but quite minimally. Nothing hung on the walls, I had a glass shower door, so I didn't have to pick a shower curtain. I used the precious bed linen that I had put in storage at my mom's house in Cincinnati from my apartment 4 years prior (they are a high thread count, only reason I hung on to them). The floor was carpeted so I didn't need to buy an area rug. It was a nice minimal home on the beach.

The last time that I had my own apartment was in 2006, I had a one bedroom condo in Little Italy of San Diego. I had more space there, but it was even less furnished. I bought a coffee table at a yard sale and a few big cushions to place around it on the floor of the living room. That made up the living room and in the bedroom was my bed, that was given to me by friends. Nothing was on any walls, except for a mirror I got at Ikea that stuck to the wall. I was in that apartment for 6 months (it was a month to month lease) before I decided to pack it all up into storage again since I was busy touring.

This time, here, now, I am older and I am in a city that I have always wanted to live. I still don't know how long I will be here, I am not thinking about that, but I do have a year lease. Moving from California, I brought my bedding, my bathroom towels, a lamp, my ball desk chair, and some floor cushions along with my kitchen stuff and personal belongings. Now, I find myself searching for an area rug and perhaps a couch. I want to put things on the walls here, but I have not been able to settle on anything. I find things that I absolutely love, but think that they won't go with my pillows and bedding. Someday, I will have an apartment that is decorated that way, I tell myself.

Last night, late night online area rug searching, I finally got, "Why someday???" Why am I searching for something that I don't really want? I don't have to keep these floor pillows, they are not anything special at all, and I am planning on buying a couch anyways (kind of over floor sitting after all these years). Also, I have owned my bedding since 2006. It may not have been used for all of the years in between, but I am allowed to buy new and really my duvet cover will match the new black and white theme that I am imagining, I will just need new sheets.

I am allowed to make my space what I want, right now! I am going to be spending money either way. Why was I going to buy things that I really didn't love? Was it because I made up it would be easier to just go along with what I already have then to start over, even though I don't absolutely love it? I want my home to be an expression of me, not an expression of odd pieces that I once was. Sure, all of those parts are me, but not the me that I am today or the one that I want to be tomorrow.

Starting over is only hard if I say it is and right now, starting over sounds perfect! I am letting go of what does not serve me whether that be disempowering thoughts or floor pillows.

A daily practice in shifting my focus from get to give.

2010-11-22T09:24:00.000-08:00

Now that I am back to remembering my IT IS NOT ABOUT WHAT I CAN GET, BUT WHAT I CAN GIVE. I am allowing that to shift into all parts of my daily life and wow is it fun! It is not all about me!!!

Yesterday in yoga we worked on a few poses with partners. My normal inclination is that when the poses are being demonstrated to watch it from the view of how do I do this pose? I want to make sure I get it right, but what I realize is that I end up paying little attention to how I am supposed to act as the supporting partner. So, I know how to get into the pose for myself, but I am completely lost when it comes to assisting and serving my partner. So, when it is her turn I am lost on how to be most supportive and that is no good These are complicated poses and that is why we are using partners: to support each other!

So, yesterday, when a multi-step partner work inversion was demonstrated I watched from a new view. I watched to see how can I best be of support to my partner. I want to make sure that she gets the best experience. It is not about me. Wow! It felt so good and I even took on supporting my neighboring partner clusters that were confused as to how to best assist each other (I am not the only one that naturally picks to pay attention to what I can get, it seems).

This morning, I woke up to full in-boxes, as usual. When I got to my regular Free Cycle email I did my usual scrolling of the "OFFER" only posts. Again my natural inclination was to "What can I get?" not "What can I give?". I was present to this and so then re-scanned the "WANTED" posts. True, I don't have much to give away, as I have still not acquired all of the furnishings for my own apartment, but you never know. I may actually have something that someone else can get more use out of. I bet there are actually tons of things from my half furnished, not decorated apartment to give away!

Life is much more fun when remembering that it is all about what I can give! And just in time for the holidays, too!

about what I can give, not what I can get.

2010-11-21T09:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I woke up remembering that everything that I want to do in my life, with my career, with my dreams is not really about me. It is about everyone else. I tweeted, " Its not about what I can get but what I can give." This is the true motive for everything that I want to do. This is the reason that I want to have my story published, this is the reason that I want to have a TV show, this is the reason that I created all of my services, this is the reason that I created my joyology.

It is not about me! Sometimes, I forget about that and I get stuck in the how can I make money zone. How can I push these services to make income? I really want to buy new clothes! I want to eat at that yummy restaurant whenever I want without thinking about the debt it is causing me! I want to fly to visit my family for the holidays and not think about the financial cost of it! Those thoughts are all normal. I do not feel guilty or wrong for having those thoughts, but really they don't serve me or my mission.

Everything that I do, everything that I share whether it be a recipe, one of my favorite companies, a quote that inspires me, or a look into my head, is all because no matter how different we are, we are all the same, and I want you to succeed in life, just as much as I want to succeed in life. What does that mean, succeed in life? Does that mean win a medal? Be rich and famous? It may be, but for me it means that I live it, that I love it. That I don't let it pass me by. That I don't let fears stop me. That I don't get stuck in "what will people think?" "what will I look like?" "what if I am wrong?" and on and on.

So, my reminder as to whether I am doing my "job" right is to remember, Its not about what I can get but what I can give, and then everything makes sense again!

dancing, singing, free to be me.

2010-11-16T09:26:00.000-08:00

I love to sing and I love to dance, but these are things that I kept a secret for years. Truly, growing up a imagined myself to by a top country music singer. My dad listened to a lot of Reba, Tanya Tucker, and Trisha Yearwood when I was young and I would take Reba to my room and belt my heart out with her.
I was also lucky enough to have MTV growing up, that was when they actually showed music videos. I studied the videos intently and taped them on VHS so that I could work on my moves more. I have vivid memories of staring at myself re-enacting full music videos in my mirrored closet doors.

When my dad bought a video camera, I convinced him to record my own music videos, complete with choreography. Maybe, I will dig up those tapes and post my "Blame it on the Rain" and "Kokomo" on youtube for you to enjoy (i.e. laugh your head off).

All this being said, I would not be caught dead singing in public. I did not sing along in church. I did not sing along in school. I did not sing along in the car with friends. Even though I really, really wanted to! I was afraid! I did not want to be judged. I did not want anyone to tell me that I was not good.

Over the years I have slowly gotten over this. In high school you could find me at the school dances not on the dance floor, but hanging with the boys that were too cool to dance, too. In college, I did show off my skills at some parties but pretty much only doing goofy moves to make people laugh. Or there were the times that I was so stoned that I did the same move over and over for about 2 hours in time with the music. Yep, that was fun.

In 2008, when we were preparing to go on a promo tour for Jason Mraz's last album with "Lucky" on it, I actually practiced in the privacy of my own car thinking that I could help Jason and take the female part on that song because there were not going to be any other girls on tour with us at that time ( I was his monitor engineer at the time). I even attempted to record myself to see how I really sounded, because I am pretty sure that my voice is average to say the least. But what if it actually was good enough to be heard by others? In the end, I told myself that my average voice would not be good enough so didn't bring the idea up.

Just last year, in 2009, do I feel like I actually started to dance when I wanted to dance, how I wanted to dance, where I wanted to dance and I remember it feeling so freeing! Honestly, it was the hula hooping that got me over the fear of dancing and that was not easy for me to learn, either. But, I chose to commit myself to trying it over and over again no matter how much it dropped and how stupid I thought I may look. I started to tell people that I felt that hula hooping was a type of therapy because I really had to let go of what I looked like. Oh and now some people consider me a professional hula hooper....

Today, now, I love to sing and dance and be free and not worry if it is "good enough". I am not seriously trying to be the next Mariah Carey or Colbie Caillat for that matter, but if I want to sing, if I want to dance, I am allowed to do that! Sure, people may judge me. BIG DEAL! If I sing along or dance my way or not, the truth is there will always be someone there to judge me. I am no longer letting that stop me!

By the way...this doesn't mean that I plan on singing "Lucky" or any other song on stage, this is just me tapping into how much I really love these things and realizing how much I have stifled them over the years because of the fear of how I might look or sound. Sing! Dance! Be Free! and Be yourself!

the warrioress

2010-11-03T15:28:00.000-07:00

I am perfectly content and I am perfectly still. I am sitting on my yoga bolster, on top of two yoga mats that create a makeshift rug. I lean back against my over-sized floor pillows that I have propped against the wall with the blanket I bought in India thrown across me. I am cozy. I am still. It is not just that my body in motionless and that my sweater and the blanket are supplying me with the perfect amount of coziness, my brain is still, too. Wow, does that feel amazing and now that I am present to it, I know it has been a very long time since this happened last, this stillness.

I have been taking some amazing yoga classes lately, honestly, the best in my life. Yesterday’s started out with the teacher saying he was going to kill us. That he really wanted a part of us to die today. He said he was going to push us. He kept repeating it, “I want you to die today." He said that he wanted us to transcend and in order to that a part of us must die.

His class was hard, he did push and yet, I have never felt more peaceful. His push allowed me to push myself past all of my thoughts, to push past pain and really commit. I knew that I was in control of mind and that it was not controlling me. I was able to fully be there and to smile with the grace the entire time as sweat dripped off me and into my eyes. I was able to fully be there, even with my muscles burning and my breath never stopped. I was fully present.

I know that I can take it, whatever it may be. I am a warrioress and not one that is bound in armor with knives in hand ready to battle. I am the warrioress that is completely vulnerable and that only makes me stronger. I am strong, I am passionate, but I am also open. I fight back, but with compassion. My warrior powers rest in the fact that my heart and my soul shine through every fiber of my being.

You can break me, because breaking me, just opens me more. Parts of me will die and new parts will be birthed. I am not defined. I am not cast yet. I am evolving before your eyes and before my very own.

open to tour and not to tour

2010-10-17T12:31:00.000-07:00

Well, tour happened!

When I am in it, I am in it. And, I was in it. Did I have intentions to make more regular entries to my website? yes. Did I plan to shoot a ton of video? Yes. Did I actually create time and space for those things once I landed on the road? NOPE. Oh well! I apologize for not fulfilling those wishes of mine, whether you expected them or not.

It turned out to be a little test tour for me, as well as Jason (Mraz). He was out testing new songs for the next album, and I unknowingly was testing out how to balance the job I created for him and the brand I am creating for myself which includes supplying my website with constant content of inspiration, health, and more.

I hadn’t planned on returning to tour. When I really got into creating my site (after returning home from tour with Colbie Caillat) my creativity was and still is exploding as to how I can reach the vastness of who we all are. How can I be of service to all in sharing my passion? I have created services of a wide variety and I am constantly thinking of more, but tour? I had forgotten about tour!

Tour is home to me. No matter how many times I say I am ready to be in one place, when I arrive on the road it is the most natural thing in the world to me. No matter how different each year is, no matter how different the personnel is, no matter who the artist is, touring is my most normal state I have come to find out.

All of last year I kept telling myself and others that I thought it would be my last tour, I didn’t know what I else I would do, but I was no longer attached to being on tour. I no longer wanted it to define me. I took time off to be in one place, to create, to explore what I wanted to be. Once I was able to see that I did not have to be defined by being on the road that I was just as happy in one place, it opened me back up to it. Not because I needed it, or craved it, but because I knew that I had something to share, that my service and I are valuable to the road. I wasn’t doing it because it was all that I knew, but because I wanted to offer my service and be of service.

I was so surprised to find new excitement for being on tour and with a new client (with Colbie), and a whole new group of people. I immersed myself in it and frankly didn’t want to go home when the tour ended. But it did end and I did go home where I was then inspired to finally get my website going and to not put myself back on the tour market until after it was up. I got so immersed in my new creation and services that I forgot that the tour world existed, until I was called back into it.

Once again, I was surprised to how easily I settled back into being on tour, but during the length of the tour I made a point to be clear that I was not sure if I will want to be touring past these dates. I have big plans for myself as YOUR JOYOLOGIST! I have so much to offer, so many possibilities of how to be spread my message, and I didn’t see how touring could fit into that.

As tour went along, I did start to open myself up to the possibility of touring again next year. It is home, I do love it, but is it too comfortable? Will I be giving up on all of the other things that I want to create? Is touring too easy for me? When these thoughts come up, I remind myself that I do not have to make a choice right now in this moment. I don’t even know if touring next year is a definite option, that world is highly subject to change.

It is all possible. I am now back home and back pursuing all of my many ideas. I am putting myself into the world in many ways. I am back to regularly updating my website. I am keeping myself open and available for touring, but I am not avidly pursuing it. If touring next year does happen I will commit to being connected to both that world and this new one I am working to create. It is entirely possible to be in both worlds at once, I just have to stay committed to both and create the time and space while I am on the road.

I am working whole-heartedly for it all. I am open. I am of service. I am listening to myself. I am one with myself and all that surrounds me.

And above all, I am grateful!!!!!! What a life! What a freaking, life!

something lost, but is anything really missing?

2010-10-15T12:40:00.000-07:00

Realizing that something is missing is not the funnest game in the world, but it does bring a lot of stuff to the surface for me.

On the last day on tour from a month long jaunt I have found myself with some spare time in my luxury hotel room at the Wynn casino. After getting a little sleep from our late night flight, I choose to go through all of my luggage to prep for the departure from tour the next day. For four weeks we rode on our tour busses and for the last two dates we flew. I had re-arranged my bags for the flights, making a point to secure items and find proper homes for items that I did want to lose, including cash that had built up from reimubursements and cash per diems for each week.

I am not a fan of carrying cash around. I do not favor large bills, I usually choose to use my debit card and carry just enough cash for those times when it is neccessary. On the road, I buy things for the tour with my credit card and then turn in a stack of reciepts to be reimbursed. I had waited until close to the end of tour to turn the reciepts in, to avoid having the cash in my possession. Traveling from city to city at night on a tour bus and waking up to start each day in a new town in a new venue doesn't leave much room for me to find my bank and deposit the cash. So, it was all coming home with me. The money added up to give me the security deposit and more for a new apartment in NYC. I was beyond excited to get back and secure a home of my own.

I purposely placed the money in a separate pocket in my backpack in an envelope. Not wanting to put it all in my wallet or even my purse, figuring that if someone is on the search for money that is where they will go first. Or if I somehow happen to lose my wallet on my own, I don't want to lose all my identification, credit cards, and a wad of cash all at once.

We flew from Quebec City to Toronto to LAX. Took a hired bus to Santa Barbara. Checked into lovely rooms off the beach. Checked out and brought all my gear to the Santa Barbara Bowl where it sat in the dressing room and took a private night flight to Las Vegas, where I discovered my envelope was still where I had placed it but it was empty!!!!! I wanted to throw up. I don't have financial security and I am about to sign a lease for a decent rent payment. This was a good chunk of money. Where did it go? What did I do wrong? Why didn't I check it earlier? When did this happen?

I checked all of my other bags in all pockets and folders. I looked everywhere and anywhere, but I knew that I had not moved the money myself and if I had then I would have moved the envelope too, not have left it empty and alone in the odd pocket that I never use in my backpack. The bag was with me on the flights, it was in my hotel room that a maid never entered and it was in the dressing room. The backstage area was the busiest it has been that day, but I was almost always around. Did someone really take it? How would they have found it? There was so much other stuff around too that they could have taken. Was the money really stolen, could it really have been stolen? YIYIYI.

I was sobbing with disgust. I was disgusted with myself. How could I have let this happen? How irresponsible of me! I hadn't had a good cry in a while and I love a good cry, I love the release, whether it stems from bliss, fear, sadness, etc. I thought, "Well, at least I am getting in a good sob, but I really don't like that it is over money."

I didn't have much time to sit in my tears, as I had to get my butt ready to get to work, to be the joyologist in action. Yes, it absolutely, 100% sucks that the money is gone. No matter how it happened, what happened, when it happened, the story is that it happened. I can re-think my steps, I can tell myself what I did wrong in making sure that this didn't happen, but it did. Next time I have a wad of money, yes, I will make sure to go out of my way to get it to the bank asap, but what is done is done. I did act with intention in putting it in what I thought was a safe spot. I don't want to believe that someone took it, but I also don't know how else it could be missing. It just is.

I tell myself that it was my rent payment to the universe for the past month, as I did not pay rent anywhere, except my storage unit. I also get present to the reality that I was not planned to come on this tour, to make any of this income at all, so regardless of losing this money, I am coming back to NYC ahead and with some financial security for me to secure an apartment in my name. The feeling of disgust is not completely gone away, tears are still on tap, but I am present to what I do have.
I go down to the lobby to meet my tourmates and I don't want to tell anyone about the loss of money because A) I don't want to look like an idiot in losing so much money, B) don't want their sympathy, I am provided for and I know it, C) it happened, it is not happening now, what will telling them do? But, there is a part of me that hopes one of them took it as a joke? I have no idea how that would be possible, as no one knew I had that much money on me and it wasn't as if I had a known hiding spot that I regularly put money, but hey you never know???

I chose to tell our tour manager and a regular guest of our tour party who had joined us in Santa Barbara and flew to Vegas with us. It turns out that the guest had money missing too. Money that she had specifically taken out of her wallet and into a separate spot too. We figured it must have happened in the dressing room the night before. The word spread through the tour party and through my friends not on tour (I had text vented to a bestie when I first realized the money was gone). I didn't really want the attention because I was still turning it into something I did wrong and it just plain sucks to be reminded that it was gone.

I was so overwhelmed with the love that was coming at me though, from friends of all levels. So many people stepped up to offer me support emotionally and offered to loan me money if I need it. They knew that money was a big deal for me that I had plans for it (who wouldn't? it was a good amount!) My eyes filled with tears each time someone reached out to me and this time, not tears of sadness, loss, frustration, but tears of overwhelming gratitude and love. I kept telling myself that the universe always provides, that everything will work out, but I forgot about what I do have. Not the material things, not the other money that I have in the bank, but the people. Not just the ones that are offering me financial support if it comes to that, but really everyone.

I am present to all the love in my life, no matter how it is expressed. You may not even be aware of the love that I receive from you because love doesn't have to look like approval. Love doesn't have to be constant contact. Love isn't defined by connection. Love doesn't have rules. Love is all around. Love is in doors opening and doors being slammed shut. Love is in static space and reactive space. Love doesn't stop or turn away, it is our attention to it that diminishes.

I am filled with gratitude and love. You each make a difference. You each are love expressing.

A skilled listener

2010-10-03T12:41:00.000-07:00

I used to think I had it all figured out. I used to spout of my words as if they were THE DIVINE TRUTH. Every memory that I had was 100% accurate. Every thing that I believed was 100% true. I would still listen to others, but I don't take it in. My way, my view, my version was more right than theirs. I didn't need to win them over, they were totally allowed their views, but mine were better. I didn't need to hear theirs.

Now, looking back, I feel as if I just truly learned the definition of listen last year. Before, maybe my version of listening, was to allow someone else to speak, while trying not to interupt (which I usually failed at, not interupting that is). I was able to work out the not interupting part, but then I was just waiting for the other person to stop talking so I could get back to my view. Did I actually take in what they were saying, though?

Now that true listening has come into my life and way of being, I am more present to what a lost skill this is in today's day and age. Did I just call listening a skill? I did, and I do believe this to be true. Conversation is huge and it is really so powerful. Imagine all of the amazing possibilities that can open up in your life and in the world, by having truthful, fully participated conversations. Where all parties are speaking for themselves, listening to themselves on the inside and then sharing it, and the other parties are actively listening. We don't all have to agree. Not everything is for everyone, but I say a truer listening will allow each of us to diver deeper into ourselves and what we can become as people and in the bigger picture of our vast community on this earth.

an owner of my life

2010-09-30T12:42:00.000-07:00

Ownership. Of my life. I have it. And I feel it. I don't exactly have a definition for you of what that means to me, but that is what just dawned on me. It is 12:38PM EST time, I am in the front lounge of our tour bus that is still parked at the college in Newark, DE that our show was at tonight. The drivers will be arriving soon. Band and crew is mingling in the parking lot and on the other busses. I have washed my face and brushed my teeth. I don't choose to go to my bunk until the bus starts moving so I am catching up on the internet world.

I open a bottle of wine to have a glass, take one sip and this is what comes to me. I have complete ownership of my life. Will I tour again next year? Will I create a TV show? Will I tour next year and then create a TV show? Will I write a memoir of the random stories of my life? I am content with this questioning for myself. I know it will all work out perfectly.

I will return to my new home of NYC in 2 weeks without a home and I am not worried at all. I will find the perfect apartment just for me within days of my return. I just know it.

I didn't expect to go on tour, but then tour consumed me. Not in a bad way, but in a way that shows me how much I really choose to be present to each task I take on. A swirl of chaos may surround me but I am present to it all and it does not overwhelm me.

Chaos and change are so normal to me that I don't know how to define them any more. I forget that the qualities that make up me, may be different than the qualities that make up you. When I do become present to them, it doesn't make you any smaller though. You have your qualities and I have mine. We all have room to grow. We all have things to learn. We all have lives to lead. And we all live them, or I sure hope that we do!

I take ownership of my life to the fullest. I take 100% responsibility for all communications, mis-communications, for all choices, for all indecisions. I take ownership for all of my life.

home of many homes

2010-09-19T12:45:00.000-07:00

I am a traveler. And I am home. It has been about ten days since I took off from my newest home base of New York City, a home that I have dreamt of for years. I have returned to a place that I now acknowledge to be the most normal part of my life, being on the road, being on tour. Even though, I had not planned to be on this one and it came up last minute, immediately upon landing it was home.

I now find myself in another past home of Chicago. Chicago was my first home on my own. I moved here when I was 18 to attend college at Columbia College. I can hardly believe that was eleven years ago! I lived here from 1999-2003 as I worked my butt off in school and at the House of Blues Chicago, where I broke into sound and live concert production.

It is such an amazing feeling to feel at home in so many cities. I forget that this feeling doesn't exist for everyone. Even upon landing in India, for my first time, I had this feeling. I am grounded where ever I go, even when I don't no exactly where I am going.

Yes, being an avid traveler both for work and personally provides that for me, but I know that truthfully it is rooted inside me, this feeling of home. It is the feeling of being 100% comfortable and at one with who I am at any given moment. It doesn't matter what my surroundings are, it doesn't matter what language is being spoken, what type of music is being played, what the dress code is. I am me. I no longer have that feeling of having to prove myself. I no longer have that feeling of wanting to be liked, of wanting to be loved. Of course, I want to be liked and of course, I want to be loved, but to accomplish that I merely get to be me and love who I am being.

Along with the feeling of home. I really see each person whose path I cross as family. That is what I project onto the world. I am safe wherever I am. I am taken care of wherever I am. I am loved wherever I am.

I am grateful for all of life's experiences. What is this life for, if not to experience it, to be open to it, to be with it? I don't know what happens when my time here ends and I don't know when that time will come. So, I choose to be in this vast home of mine.

with the people

2010-09-10T12:47:00.000-07:00

I don't know how many times I have said this, but don't expect it to stop anytime soon...I love people! Of all varieties, living all sorts of lives. New York City gives me a big dose of this, people at all times, everywhere, from all walks of life, but no matter where I am, I am constantly delighted by the vastness of who we are and what we carry with us.

This week, my life took a quick 180 as I got called back to the road. In my preps to leave the city for a month, packing for tour, moving between my sublet and my storage unit, I was so present to the people of service all around me that support me and just of how much I love exchange smiles with the unknown.

I had a lot that I wanted to accomplish in the 40 hours between when I got the call to when I was leaving for the airport. I juggled lists of what to take and what to take care of in the city before my departure, while also being on standby waiting for details of what was needed from me on the road. I acknowledge myself openly for while having a bajillion ideas, lists, and more flying through my head I am still present with each person I make contact with. It is as if I am checking in with them and their souls, you know we may have known each other in a previous life? This could be a friend's relative or co-worker or acquaintance? We are all connected, so why not be open and loving with each person I pass? We are all here. That is a good enough reason for me to want to exchange a smile, some real eye contact, a hello, genuine generosity to everyone and anyone.

On Tuesday, I got all ready to take the belongings that I had at my sublet that I would not be taking on tour over to my storage unit. I carried a heavy suitcase and 3 overflowing bags of stuff down 4 flights of stairs and down to the street to hail a cab. This would be my first time returning to my unit since I moved it in. It is only 1.5 miles away, which is an easy walk for me, but not with all this loot I am bringing over today. I got a cab, no problem, paid the $10 fair, and maneuvered my stuff into the office to check in and get the key from them. They use a double lock system for extra protection. One lock is theirs and they keep the key, the other lock is mine and I keep the key.

I got the key, they called on the radio for the freight elevator to meet me, and I pushed my stuff along over to the big elevator. I told the elevator operator not to wait for me, as I was going to be a while. I had arrived! I pull out my personal keys and OH NO! Where is my key?!!?!?! Did it fall off? Or did I never actually put it on my key ring? Is it still in the LeSportSac bag that I had been using as my everyday bag until my lovely friend gifted my a rad recycled leather bag? The very same bag that I originally had in this pile to put in storage, but at the last minute pulled it out to bring on tour....Yiyiyi! I was laughing my ass off!

So, back down I go. I call the elevator and he is befuddled, saying he could of just waited for me if I was going to be that quick. I tell him my situation as I am laughing and ask him if there is anyway to get into the unit without the key. $75 to cut off the lock, that is $75 more than I want to spend. I cart myself and my stuff back to the counter to return the key, back to the street to hail a cab, and another $10 cab ride back home. I almost decided to just forget about storage today and just do it all tomorrow am before my flight, but I quickly dismissed that idea. I pulled my bags into the apartment building and left them on the landing as I ran up the the 4 flights to find the missing key. Tada, it was exactly where I imagined it to be.

Another $10 cab ride, another check-in and elevator ride and hello storage unit! Along the way, I did not let this mishap get me down. Instead, I used it as conversation with the elevator operator, the desk clerk, and the cabbies. We exchanged smiles, funny stories, and lots of laughs. With the people that I did not speak to, but passed, I made eye contact and offered smiles. I am living my own story right now and they are living theirs. It doesn't matter what is going on my mind or my life. They are all moments that are shared. They may seem personal, but everything that happens to me, in my life, I am exuding inside and out. I don't know what is happening in that man in the business suit's life or the woman walking her puppy's life or the cabbie's life. I just know that we are all here. We are all connected and for that I am grateful and I choose to show up as love expressing through Tricia (with gratitude sprinkled on top and of course laughter, too).

a listener of the univers-back to tour I go

2010-09-08T12:49:00.000-07:00

It is currently 7:49am on Wednesday, September 8th. Wow, wait, September??? The ninth month of the year?? Wow! What a year I have had so far, definitely not like any other year, but can years really be compared? Can days really compared? So, much life happens in one day!

Anyways, I got side-tracked from typing the date....I got a phone call at around 8pm on Monday evening from my dear friend and some-time boss, Jason Mraz. His month long, break from the studio tour starts Saturday in Bangor Maine, with the band and crew already at rehearsals when he called me. He had just come to the conclusion that he wanted my services of Joy back in his life for the tour. It was a last minute decision because it was, I don't need to know the whys or why nots as to why I was now being called.

I spent all of last week apartment hunting. I stalked Craig and his list. I dialed brokers and managers numbers without end. I saw about eight apartments? I don't even know! I did find neighborhoods that I liked, within my price range and I actually found apartments that I liked, but something was keeping me from taking a place. I had a strong feeling, which I told several people about, that something was going to happen this week. I didn't know what. I thought it was merely that I would discover the perfect place to move. Apparently, it was that I will be not needing a home for the next month.
Apartment hunting in the city is a game for sure. I like to see life as a game, but really this qualifies on many levels. Places pop-up and disappear throughout each day. If I like a place and don't grab it on initial viewing, it will not still be there tomorrow. But, if I do want it, I can move in tomorrow! I like this because I create that there will always be a perfect place opening up for me. I make my moves from my heart and intuition, so if I am not feeling it, no worries, so many more will open up tomorrow, too!

The part of the game that is not my favorite is the legalities. They are serious here! It is not just hear is your money, let me sign the papers. A credit report is just the start of the process. They want hard proof that their rent will be paid! You must show proof of steady income that is acceptable to them. This includes W-2's, taxes from the previous year and 2-4 of your most current paystubs. If you don't have a regular job, it is not the most fun. No matter who you are and what you do, you must prove that you make 40x the rent and i they don't accept your steadiness or unsteadiness of income then you must have a guaranteer that makes 80x the income. Not just someone, like my mom, to sign a paper saying that they will be responsible for paying the rent if I can not, they must actually prove that they have the income to do it. They must hand over current paystubs and tax document as well. So, perfect timing for me! I get to go back out on tour for a month and come back with 4 recent paystubs!

So, yes! That works! And all of belongings are already here in storage, perfect. After planning yesterday what I was going to take and what I was going to leave as my Joy and Vibe kit I am now awaiting my flight info, for a flight today. I did not pick my method of travel and preferred flight time until 2am last night. I was waiting to talk to my boss man, who was on a flight himself all day. So, I have the plan and the pack, now I finish cleaning up my little East Village sublet, make one more trip to my storage unit to drop off some unneeded items and then off I go to join the circus that I love once again.

Life works out, perfectly. I am open. I trust. I love. Back to the road I go! See you out there!