I dare you to spend 5 minutes in a room with Bill Tucker.

Not only will you learn something new, you’ll likely make a new friend. Bill Tucker is undoubtedly one of the smartest people in Fort Collins. Don’t believe me? Check out Bill’s presentation on Six Thinking Hats from Ignite Fort Collins #4

One of my best friends, Kevin Buecher, before I knew him as well as I do today, stood in front of 50-60 inspiration-seekers – showing them that they had the tools they needed all on their own.

I was inspired… Kevin had done what I was hoping to do; he beat me to it, in fact – starting LaidOffCamp in Fort Collins. But I wasn’t mad or jealous; I wanted to help. So I dove in to see what it was all about first-hand.

I led two sessions: one on how to write a better resume and one on how to use social media to expedite a job search.

A month before LaidOffCamp Fort Collins #2, Kevin asked me to come back and lead a few more sessions. He asked because my name kept coming back on the evaluations as the most helpful session. After a successful LaidOffCamp Fort Collins #2, Kevin invited me over for lunch and asked me to help him facilitate LaidOffCamp Fort Collins #3 by kicking off the event.

The evaluations from LaidOffCamp Fort Collins #3 asked for Kevin to kick off the event (haha). I wasn’t phased. Neither was Kevin.

Kevin and I opened LaidOffCamp Fort Collins #4 together; hosting the largest LaidOffCamp in Colorado yet with close to 200 people in attendance. There were so many ideas and so many people wanting to learn or share something new that we filled up two idea boards. That’s never happened before.

LaidOffCamp Fort Collins #5 is just around the corner – March 29th, 2009, and if you’re wondering if you should attend or not, consider the picture below:

This is Si – another of my other best friends. Si is 24. In this picture, Si was entrusted by these folks to facilitate the Job Seekers Over 40 session. Guess whose name was on the evaluation forms this time around?

Si owns his own business, as Kevin and I do. As many of the people in attendance are trying to do (or dream of doing). We’re here to help.

LaidOffCamp is perfect for anyone who needs a little inspiration. Join us!

That’s right. Two separate people Google’d “fatass on a wii fit” and got my site (one came back twice).  Not only that; they stayed for a whole three and a half minutes.

Other popular search terms: patrick stewart bald, skittles porn, sexual candy hearts, and fit ass.

If you ever had any question about what I’m all about, that list pretty much sums it up. Bwahaha.

During this time, I’ve discovered some things that you just shouldn’t do and have compiled a list for your convenience.

1. Ask cute girl to dance.
2. Tell said cute girl that you want to have her babies.
3. Tell a knock-knock joke.
4. Speak Klingon.
5. Ask the bank teller for money.
6. Do voiceover work for daycare center.
7. Ask the kids at said daycare center to “keep it down”.

On day one, just before we left Fort Collins for Grand Junction on our way out of Colorado, Liz turned to me and said, “I think the only thing I forgot is a towel.”

I froze in mid-step down the stairs.  ”I’m sorry, I have to go back.”

“What?” she said.

“One second.”  I returned with a bright green towel.  ”Never leave home without your towel,” I said.  ”Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy.”

The first thing I did when I realized we were actually going to make this trip from Fort Collins, CO to Seattle, WA happen was contact @Brady from Ignite Seattle.  He was more than willing to meet up with us and discuss some of the cool things we’re doing with LaidOffCamp and Ignite Fort Collins.

At the same time, Kevin had phoned his friends Marc and Clint from StartUp Weekend – who would meet us there.  As an added bonus, my friend Rob – a Seattle native, and our friend Cassie from Portland and her business partner Lisa, would join us as well.

If you’re not aware of who any of those people are, just think of it like a meeting of the Jedi Council… all bad-ass with a lightsaber and all somewhat ninjalike.

Before we could head to Seattle, though, we had a quest to complete.  While in Oregon, Brady phoned us and let us know that he was in the process of making bitters, something which requires high-alcohol content grain alcohol.  Brady had effectively turned us into bootleggers, a task which we giddily subscribed to.

A few phone calls and two jugs of grain alcohol in hand, we departed Portland for Seattle, sans Liz (and the Voodoo Doughnuts) who would remain in Portland until the morning and ride the train to Seattle the next day.

We hadn’t showered that day; though Xena was a lovely host, we had only my towel and one for four people just won’t suffice.  There just aren’t enough corners.

The level of intellectuals we were meeting demanded less grime, so at the last gas station out of Oregon, we pulled over and I ran in to the only “functional” restroom – the women’s.  Functional isn’t exactly the right word, because while it had all the elements of a traditional bathroom, it had none of the actual usability.

The door “locked” by way of a duct-taped latching mechanism which was clearly invented by drunken MacGuyver.  The toilet didn’t flush – at least, not with the handle.  You had to use the actuator inside the tank.  The paper towels were few and far between… so the counter was soaking wet.  Somehow I managed to clean off a bit, change into nicer clothes, and escape in one piece with both the bathroom and myself nicer than I’d started.  Still, somehow less creepy than the bathroom in Vail.

Rolling into Seattle right around 6PM, we met up with Brady and some of the Ignite Seattle team.  Seattle’s streets, by the way, are tagged all around with sticker graffiti (some of them benign, some a little less – those were my favorites).  A fun dinner ensued with lots of ideas being exchanged and as the night came to a close, Lisa and Cassie arrived – kicking off a brand new dinner and a brand new conversation.

Rob, my friend in the red jacket in the picture above, is a quiet genius.  Having been unable to find a company in Fort Collins smart enough to hire him, he moved to Seattle to pursue other job prospects.  In an economy where people are settling for work as Walmart door greeters, Rob kicked some serious economic tail and landed himself an amazing job and a plush apartment in a beautiful part of Seattle.  We didn’t get to spend nearly as much time with Rob as we wanted; he had to work the next day at 5, but he shared with us a few things.  First, the view from his roof:

Here we are, looking out over this huge city, filled with the noises of a huge city, when all of a sudden, a couple is walking past on the sidewalk below.  The girl stops and sort of fiddles with her shoe for a second.  Her companion turns around without missing a beat, gets down on both knees, and ties her shoe for her.  Like it was nothing… this incredibly tender, human moment in this monument of stone and metal and manpower, had been offered just for us to witness.  We were floored.

Rob also shared with us one of his favorite places in Seattle – Alki Park.

Alki Park is a dock on West Seattle’s eastern coast.  From there,  you can see… well, I’ll let the pictures tell the story:

These pictures can’t possibly do this moment justice… as Kevin, Si and I looked on over the city, each of us had a moment when we realized that our day is coming.  We’re going to change the world. We can do it – we were standing in Alki Park, only four days after leaving Fort Collins with one day of notice.  We’re going to change the world.

I wasn’t fair.  I haven’t been entirely fair to anyone or myself.  I’ve been bitter and brooding – weighing on me was the need to return my ex’s stuff and the lingering hurt of the implications of that relationship ending.  The way it ended left me hurt and vulnerable to the actions of others – which, unfortunately, haven’t been the best on me, either.

Tonight I returned her things, to her best friend.  But I also lashed out at my ex, who didn’t deserve to be lashed out at.  A sum of all the frustration and hurt I’d been brooding on for the last three weeks detonated like a text-messaged nuclear bomb.

I was out of line, it was a dickish thing to do, and I’ve since apologized, but that doesn’t make it right.

I like who I am and other people’s fuck-ups are not my problem, even when they hurt me horribly.  That doesn’t mean I have the right to be mean in return.

I’ve got an opportunity to seek out the things I’m looking for.  I aim to take it, by owning my faults as well as my virtues.

I’m Nick Armstrong.  That has to mean something more than rationalizing dickish behavior.  It has to.

In my haste and sleep-deprived delirium, I completely forgot to write about one of the most surreal moments of the trip – day 2, leaving Utah for Portland.  Having traveled to Promontory, UT for the Spiral Jetty, we were subsequently turned away because:

1. they wouldn’t lend/tour us in a government vehicle,
2. they wouldn’t give us the names of local farmers who might be willing to tour us for a fee, and
3. they suggested our car might explode should we proceed.

As an aside, Promontory, UT is the spot where at 12:47 PM on May 10, 1869, the trans-continental railroad was completed with a golden spike.  Beyond this amazing achievement, we thought, Promontory is smack-dab at the crossroads of Nowhere and Nothingness, having not spurred on any sort of initiative to grow beyond a museum.  As we began on our journey back (the same route) and fully expecting to see the same amount emptiness as before, we were instead greeted by this:

Being from Parker, CO, I’m not new to cows (or cows are not new to me, that is) – but the fact that we somehow missed an entire herd of cows on our way in was somewhat astonishing, considering they weren’t freaking there – there was nothing freaking there. We saw maybe 3 people this entire leg through Utah, and suddenly we were smack-dab in the middle of a herd of cows with a cowboy wrangling us and the herd.

This was a truly humbling experience.  Here we are, four relatively slick city dwellers, going 2 mph through a herd of cows, pretending that we were just another cow – albeit a really fat, really blue cow filled with 24 year olds.

Having cleared the cows and onward to continue our journey, we discovered that “nothing” isn’t always what it seems.  Shortly before entering Idaho, there’s a space and rocket facility called ATK.

What does ATK do? Well, they make freaking rocket boosters.  See?

Right.

The juxtaposition between being herded around with cows to rocket boosters that fly to the moon and put satellites in orbit was incredibly surreal and made for an amazing experience for a town filled with “nothing”.

We came through Promontory to see the Spiral Jetty and thought we’d failed, having not been able to achieve what we’d set out to do that day.  Instead, we left with one of the coolest and most memorable legs of the trip.

Proof that even when things don’t quite go your way, it’s still worthwhile to keep your eyes open and on the horizon for the next best thing.

Speaking of which, as I write this (in friggin Pages!) we’re sitting in Rockford Coffee in Bozeman, MT. The drive here was a literal journey through hell. Here’s the view from Holy-Fuck-We’re-Lost, Washington (a small, foggy town between Spokane and Bozeman):

Bozeman, as it turns out, is cold as balls. In fact, everything from Spokane, WA to Bozeman, MT was cold as balls. I’m a guy who can wear t-shirts in negative ten and be just fine (aside from the emergence of the ability to cut glass at will) – so when I say it’s cold… believe it.

Spokane was a quick stop for us (though I’d have liked to see more of it), and unremarkable save for Brooke, the hostess of Boston’s who is going to send us a picture of her new, amazing nose piercing when she gets it done — stay tuned.

Where were we? Right, Portland.  Portland is very green.

Si, Liz and I joined Mike to go to Kornblatts – a New York style deli for breakfast. East Coast met West Coast as we “noshed” (a word that makes me ill) on salt bagels and lox. Liz, our resident expert on Jewish culture, was pleased with the kosherness of it all.

Meanwhile, Kevin left for his own adventure – meeting up with Cassie, a kindred spirit who feels much the same about business, ethics, and marketing as Kevin, Si and myself. Cassie is, in short, bad-ass. More on her later.

We walked on (hiked, actually) through Portland, on roads where all those stories Bill Cosby used to tell about walking up-hill, both ways, in freezing snow can actually be true. Lots of litter around the streets (which, as an aside was only notable because of how very -clean- Seattle was). We tweeted the Mayor, but didn’t hear back – we were hoping he’d have joined us on our trip through Washington Park and the Rose Garden, which was serene and beautiful, despite a distinct lack of flowering roses.

You cannot buy grain alcohol in Washington state. We discovered this little gem of info from Brady, the founder of Ignite Seattle, who asked us to become bootleggers when we were set to meet up with him. Gleefully, we found a liquor store (which, by and by, was an interesting experience – there is no beer in liquor stores in Oregon, it’s only for grocery stores).

Portland also has a LOT of really cool art.

Mike, our guide through the city, took us to Powell’s Book Store – a 5-story nerd-gasm of literary goods. I left with no less than 10 new Star Trek books and a lighter wallet (you just can’t put me near a book store). We met back up with Kevin and officially met Cassie, who would later come with us to Seattle.

Liz opted to catch the train from Portland to Seattle so she could catch up more with Mike and his fiance, while Kevin, Si and I continued on to Seattle by car. At this point I should mention that Xena’s space, while awesome, wasn’t really an option for us to shower at. With only 4 hours of sleep and a 3 hour car ride, things can get interesting. Like, pseudo-shower in a dirty 10-cent gas station kind of interesting… the kind of shower where you leave feeling dirtier than when you started.

Onward, to Seattle… (to be continued in the next part from Fort Collins late tonight)…

I’ll post photos here later – for some reason I can’t upload them on this Wifi (sitting in Goldrush Coffee, Portland OR).

Okay, so the day wasn’t all doom and gloom (though the road mostly was – snow and freezing rain all the way).  It was a bit of a disappointing start out of Utah – we discovered that you can’t actually get to the Spiral Jetty without a Jeep, a goat, and four sherpas.  We did find the Golden Spike, though – the place where on May 10, 1869, they drove the final connecting spike in the transcontinental railroad. Read more on our adventure through Utah here.

We “arrived” in Idaho completely by surprise, stopping at what we thought was the last gas station in Utah only to find out that we were actually in Delco, Idaho.  A quick stop-over at a Jack in the Box in Boise with an outdoor fireplace and we were back on the road.  Liz managed to alert us to the fact that we’d entered Oregon, as well.

Arriving in Portland around 10:30 PM, we received our cavity search from the officer, and plowed through to Xena’s house.  Xena introduced us to what Liz refers colloquially as “Food Carnies” – a row of trailers that serve a variety of different foods.  Kevin, Si and I had some amazing poutin fries and Liz had something good enough to inspire her to marry her food-carnie chef with whatever implement looked ring-like enough (we found a washer in the car).

Food Carnie husband in tow, we hit Voodoo Doughnuts – and Liz snagged the last Maple Bacon Longjohn while Xena and I had a conversation about why ducks are so goddamn creepy.  I wasn’t sure I agreed until I heard her arguments.  As it turns out, warrior princesses are very persuasive.

This morning, we’re going to hit up The Meadows, a salt-tasting extravaganza, and Kornblatt’s Deli, and maybe dropping Si off with some bike carnies (we’re finding there’s a lot of them in Portland).  Updates to come – check out our Twitter stream.

We made a quick stop-over in Vail, where everyone we met had a French accent and visited a “please rape me now”-style bathroom, down the stairs in a concrete bunker.

Refreshed and ready to go, we jumped back on the highway and headed toward Grand Junction, Colorado where my Great Grandma Bailey was celebrating her 85th birthday (as it turns out, she’s the same age as Warner Brothers – and questioned why they haven’t sent her a present yet).  We all sang Happy Birthday to her and had a good time hobknobbing for some birthday cake and ice cream.

Jumping back on the road from Grand Junction to Salt Lake City, we hit up Wendy’s and totally forgot to grab gas (though, we TOTALLY rocked the tweet exiting town).

The road between Grand Junction and Salt Lake was foggy – but in Utah, there’s all sorts of amazing signage.  We stayed with Deb, who lives with the Minority Leader of the Utah Senate – David.  Deb and David are kick-ass hosts – David makes a killer coffee and Deb makes amazing, custom greeting cards.

Deb shared an amazing diner with us, the Blue Plate, where we were served by Ruby.  The owner, Von, shared the story of the diner and we’ll post that video later.  It’s been the best first restaurant experience we’ve ever had.

We stopped in at Signed and Numbered, run by Leia and opened up 5 days ago.  She’s the first person who knew about the Spiral Jetty – which is where we’re headed today before heading to Portland!