I Am The Cheese

A New Location

2008-05-24T17:31:00.000-07:00

I've moved my blog over to wordpress.

Have a look at: http://planetross.wordpress.com/

Hope to see you there!

planetross

Giant Bonsai Trees

2008-05-18T05:24:00.000-07:00

I have giant bonsai trees in my yard.

The people who lived here before me must have failed their bonsai class, so they planted them.

There is not much else you can do with giant bonsai trees.
They are too small to cut up for firewood and too big to stay in a pot.

They are useless once planted too!
You can never hang a birdfeeder or tire swing from them.
They only provide shade to ants.
Kids can’t climb them.
They never grow big enough to create a privacy barrier.

It’s sad really.
Poor giant bonsai trees.

note: I guess dwarfed giant redwood trees just look like regular redwood trees. They can still lead productive lives.

Greenhouses

2008-05-18T05:18:00.000-07:00

Greenhouse Gases, Greenhouse Emissions, Greenhouse Effect.

I bet greenhouse manufacturers don’t like their product being associated with global warming.

Describing global warming using the greenhouse analogy is pretty easy to understand, but probably a lot of people subconsciously believe greenhouses are bad or at least look on them suspiciously.

In the summer, they are definitely bad to work in.

At 19 a friend and I removed the old plastic coverings from 10 large greenhouses.

That was hot work: we sweated like crazy working inside them.
I guess we could have removed the plastic from the outside, but we were 19 and not so smart.

They should put air-conditioners in those things!

note: If you are in a greenhouse during an earthquake, you don’t have to worry about being buried alive in the rubble. And if you are buried alive, people will be able to spot you quickly.

Salt and Pepper

2008-05-18T04:49:00.000-07:00

Salt and pepper the best of friends side by side in matching shakers on the kitchen table.

But what if their names were switched: pepper was called salt and vice versa?
Would we be saying…

pepper and vinegar chips, pepper lick, PEPPER 1 and 2, pepper mines, pepper of the earth, Pepper Lake City, peppertines, peppery dog, pepper flats, pepperwater, and pepper the road?

saltridge farms, salt spray, Sgt. Salt's Lonely Hearts Club Band, saltmint (Patty), Dr. Salt, salt corn, saltoni sausage, green/red/bell salt, and put some salt on that ball?

Sheriff J.W. Salt from Live and Let Die?

note: I guess pepper would kill slugs, and salt would just make their eyes red and cause them to sneeze.

The Glass Eye

2008-05-18T04:44:00.000-07:00

“In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.“ Tom Waits in Singapore.

Tom Shanks had lost one eye in a childhood accident and now had a glass eye.

He joined the local rugby team and on the first day of practice enthusiastically joined in the intersquad scrimmage.

20 minutes in to the practice game, the coach spotted Tom behind the play on his hands and knees.

“Get moving Shanks“, the coach shouted. Tom didn’t get up.

The coach ran over to him. “What’s your problem?” he yelled.

“I’ve lost my eye“, Tom replied.

“Quit screwing around“, the coach screamed.

Tom, still on his hands and knees, lifted and turned his head to face the coach.
“It’s gone” he muttered, as he lifted his eyelid to reveal an empty eye socket.

The blood drained from the coach’s face.

“Oh, here it is!” Tom said with relief; rubbed the eye on his shirt, popped it back into his head, and trotted back to the play.

Snake Wrangler

2008-05-18T04:36:00.000-07:00

My older sister has always had a job. Always!

Collecting pop and beer bottles, shining our Dad’s shoes, picking blackberries, …

The most unique was catching and selling snakes at 10 years old.

Someone advertised for snakes in the local newspaper: 10 cents for small ones, 15 cents for big ones.
My sister enlisted her friends and myself; we looked in fields, flipped over plywood sheets in empty lots, and scoured the bushes.

We found a few and deposited them in our plastic bucket.

My sister had the great idea of looking in people’s backyards: compost piles were here goal.

She knocked on neighbour’s doors, told them of our mission, and was never turned away.
We collected about 90 garter snakes over a weekend.

The people buying the snakes wanted them for a university lab.

We were their only suppliers.
They were surprised to be doing business with a 10 and 7 year old.
We got about $11 for the snakes; pretty good money back in 1972.

My sister put her share in the bank; I blew mine on candy.

Barber Shops

2008-05-18T04:23:00.000-07:00

Barbers really have their act together.

They are the only profession to have a universally recognized symbol: the swirly red, blue, and white pole.
The obvious symbol choice would have been a pair of scissors, but some forward thinking barber must have envisioned women’s beauty salons claiming that one.

While optometrists still argue over the giant pair of glasses or the eyeball and Locksmiths are split on whether to use the key or the lock as a symbol, those barbers are sitting pretty.

Flower shops, coin laundries, pet shops, and dry cleaners can’t reach a consensus on anything!

Some ice cream shops have the

big ice cream cone that lights up,

but it doesn’t seem to be universal.

Anyone can have one of those;

I even have one in my house!

I raise my glass of barbicide to you, Mr. Barber.

note: Why are there no Locksmith Duos, Coin Laundry Trios, or Flower Shop 5s?

double note: photo of a wannabee barber shop.

Fireworks

2008-05-18T04:19:00.000-07:00

I like fireworks.

I’ve seen some amazing 2-3 hour displays: non-stop boom, boom, boom.

They must scare the crap out of animals and mess up Google Earth photos.

My sister’s dog usually likes to go for walks, but from early October to mid November it’s a homebody. It hates Halloween; more specifically firecrackers, screechers, and roman candles.

As a kid, Halloween fireworks meant a cheapie bag of pyrotechnics.

I’ve had more fun with a book of matches.

They always concluded with something called “The School House”. It was just a Little House on the Prairies‘ paper school house that burned down when lit.

I’ve done better with a cereal box in the fireplace.

Kids in South America are lucky: no age restrictions for buying fireworks, no regulations, no nothing.
Light them off anywhere, tie them to your back if you like, anything goes.

In Ecuador almost everynight there are fireworks going off in celebration of some Saint’s day or religious holy day.

I think that’s why so many people are religious in South America: it’s the fireworks!

Stacks, Heaps, Piles, and Bunches

2008-05-17T23:51:00.000-07:00

I’m a sucker for things stacked, heaped, piled or bunched.

My eyes are naturally drawn to them: pallets, baskets, umbrella stands, store displays, fields of flowers, rolls of wire, fruit markets, old tires, …

It’s a quantity thing: one is boring; more are better.

Those “colourful ball” play areas for kids are hard to pass. All those balls, oh to be 5 again!

Maybe this is why I like recycling day: plastic bottles all heaped together, stacks of flattened cardboard boxes and newspapers, and piles of garbage bags filled with hundreds of styrofoam containers.
I wait to take my things out. If I’m too early, there isn’t enough stuff to make it visually appealing.

My favourite movie shot: all those boxes in the warehouse at the end of Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark.

note: I was always a good chair stacker at school, and spent a lot of time in the library too!

Insurance

2008-05-17T23:45:00.000-07:00

I have insurance: car health, home,… but I’ve never used them.

It’s nice to know I’m protected and I’m glad I’ve never had to make a claim, but I also feel like these insurance companies have screwed me somehow.

On flight insurance, I always make an ex-girlfriend the beneficiary.

She always said she wished I were dead.

The financial payout she’d receive if that happened, while I was flying, would just be an extra bonus for her.

I’m nice like that.

My 13 nieces and nephews are the beneficiaries in my Will.
They know this.
It’s a small insurance policy for me.

I figure they’ll be nicer to me in my old age if they know there is money involved.

One nephew always asks me what his “share” is at the moment.

He looks at me like I’m a “stock”: working hard - stock goes up ; travelling - stock goes down.

My nieces and nephews also know that if I die under mysterious circumstances, all my money goes to my ex-girlfriend.
That’s my true insurance policy.

I love my nieces and nephews, but I don’t trust them that much.

note: if my nieces and nephews make a deal with the ex-girlfriend, I’m in trouble.

Words and Symbols

2008-05-17T23:37:00.000-07:00

I have a confession.

I can’t read………….. very well……………. in Japanese.

Speaking it is difficult enough for me, I gave up on acquiring decent reading skills a long time ago.
So for many things, Kanji (Chinese characters) are just symbols.

I don’t know how to write, read, or pronounce them, but I know what they mean : like a red octagonal sign usually means stop.

I’ve gotten pretty good at identifying what buttons to push on machines: elevators, bank machines, rice cookers, cameras, remote controls, VCRs, ticket machines…..

No problem.

It’s not so bad being illiterate.

Most days when confronted with buttons I feel like a little kid with the animal sound toy: press the duck - it goes “quack”, press the cow - it goes “moo”.

On a bad day the cat “oinks” though.

Fishful Thinking

2008-05-17T23:28:00.000-07:00

If I could be any kind of fish, I’d want to be a starfish.

Just lying around in the sand, surf, and sun. Getting picked up once in a while. Everyone thinking I’m cool.

It’s what I’d like to be doing most days!

I’d still have 5 appendages, if I count my head.

No big adjustment there.

No one would eat me.

That’s a definite plus.

note: Being a shooting-starfish would be even better.

Doughnuts

2008-05-17T23:22:00.001-07:00

I’m not a point card person, but I do have a Mister Donut card.

I’d been saving up points to get a free pencil case, or maybe a cushion the size of my hand (maybe it’s a hand cushion?), when disaster struck.

I lost all my points.

They are only good for one year. Happy anniversary loser. What a rip-off!

I’ll have to increase my doughnut consumption this year.

I love doughnuts.

Honey dips are my favourite: simple yet sugary. I don’t understand people who like those dry “old fashion” ones. They should just stick to pound cake.

But I’m not a total doughnut totalitarian.
When I bring doughnuts to work for my co-workers, I include a few old fashion ones.
I’m nice like that….

and my boss likes those crappy doughnuts as well.

note: for more on how I feel about point cards check-out:
http://planetross.wordpress.com/2008/03/24/free-stuff/

No Coffee for Old Men

2008-05-17T23:07:00.000-07:00

Tommy Lee Jones is the poster boy for my favourite canned coffee in Japan.

You can buy hot coffee, tea, and corn soup from vending machines here. It’s very popular. In the winter a hot can of coffee makes a good pocket warmer as well.

I like Tommy Lee Jones as an actor. He’s usually in high quality movies and does a good job. I bet he cringes when he sees himself playing the bad guy in Steven Seagal’s Under Siege. I cringe when I see that movie too, or any Steven Seagal movie.

but…

The picture of Tommy Lee Jones plastered all over vending machines everywhere is horrible. To put it mildly, he looks like a “bag of shit“.

What message is the coffee company trying to relay to potential buyers?

“Drink our product and look like this”.

Maybe I should switch to a different drink.

I hear Mickey Rooney just got the Coca Cola contract!

note: the picture I have isn’t the really bad one. I drove all over town trying to find the worst picture, but they’ve changed the photos to Mickey Rooney.

Before drinking Coca Cola

After drinking Coca Cola

Flashlights

2008-05-15T17:35:00.000-07:00

Flashlights are handy, but why the name?

It’s a cool name, but they don’t flash anymore than other lights.
You can make any light flash if you turn it off and on again real fast.
You can piss off a lot of people doing this as well!

Portable Light Beam describes it better, and doesn’t confuse people with all this flashing business.

I remember flashing my car headlights to let other drivers know there was radar up ahead. I was a good citizen.

If you really want to mess with your head, try playing pool while a strobe light flashes.
I get sick just thinking about it. It makes for a long game of pool as well.
My friend tried to compensate for the strobe light by blinking in unison with it, but he lost the game anyway.

I guess he just wasn’t a good “strobe light pool player”.

note: I bet flashlight battery sales went way up after the Star Wars movies started coming out.

Saving Money

2008-05-15T17:25:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of good ideas about how to save money: pay yourself first, have money taken off your paycheck and deposited into another account, or use methods described in books like Rich Dad Poor Dad or Your Money or Your Life.

I keep a graph of how much money I make and spend a month. I always have.

I have a table as well that I can compare various expenses on a monthly basis.

Does it help me save money?

Not really, but it keeps me aware of where my money goes.

The graph is on a piece of paper pinned on a corkboard. I know I could do it on the computer, but I like to physically write in the numbers and draw the lines.

The following is not my graph, but a reasonable interpretation of my financial status:

Surfing with the Aliens

2008-05-15T17:19:00.000-07:00

When I was 15 years old, a man in my hometown vanished.

When he disappeared, he left the following note for his parents:

“Dear Mother and Father. I have gone away to walk aboard an alien spaceship, as re-occurring dreams assured a 42-month interstellar voyage to explore the vast universe, then return. I am leaving behind all my possessions to you as I will no longer require the use of any. Please use the instructions in my will as a guide to help.Love, Granger”

He was a mechanical genius: restored a steam engine, built a replica Kitty Hawk war plane, and fixed the unfixable.
He was also intrigued with UFOs and built a flying saucer shell on his parents’ property.
As far as I’ve heard, he was a friendly eccentric character.

I was fascinated with his disappearance.

42 months later, he didn’t return. I was really hoping he would come back with amazing stories to tell.

Years later some hiker’s found his remains behind one of the local mountains. He’d blown himself up in his truck trying to reach the stars. (dynamite is not good rocket fuel)

I still like to think he really did go away with the aliens, and he’s out there somewhere surfing with them now.

Some mysteries shouldn’t be solved.

note: for more info on his disappearance check out these links:
http://www.ufobc.ca/Reports/Collection/collection18mar85.htm
http://www.tranquileye.com/truth/casebook/granger_taylors_flying_saucer.html

Van Pod

2008-05-15T17:14:00.000-07:00

My van is 15 years old.

It’s a reliable beast, but cutting edge technology it ain’t.

Roll up windows, arm-strong steering, and no sounds or lights to let me know when a door is open or I’m not wearing a seatbelt.
It is also equipped with a cassette tape player.

I have about 50 cassettes, nothing more recent than 1998. I rock out to Def Leppard, Tom Petty, Neil Young, Spin Doctors, Eddie Money, …

My friends laugh at me, ask me if I watch video discs and play Atari 2600 as well.

Recently a friend loaned me an adapter that plugs into the tape player, so I can listen to my i-pod now.

It’s great!

What music is on my i-pod?

Def Leppard, Tom Petty, Neil Young, Spin Doctors, Eddie Money, …

The Mean Cactus

2008-05-09T18:09:00.000-07:00

I like cacti, or cactuses as I like to say.

I have quite a few. Most are prickly, but still manageable.

Getting poked in the finger once in a while goes with the territory. If I wanted the easy life, I would have Chia Pets.

but

I have one cactus that is untouchable.
Its spines are painful, drawblood, and embed themselves in my flesh.
It’s nice to look at, but it’s dangerous.
It bullies me. It taunts me. I swear it has lunged at me a few times.
It’s just plain mean.

And it is getting bigger!

note: I would have put on a photo of it, but it won’t let me.

Sunsets

2008-05-09T18:03:00.000-07:00

I’ve never really gotten too excited about the whole “watching the sunset” thing.

Sure, if I’ve got nothing else to do or nowhere else to be, I’ll watch it: usually on holidays.

But it happens everyday.

I’ve heard it rises everyday as well, but sleep interfers with any first hand knowledge on the subject.

I want to see the sun not rise.
I’ll pay big money for that. One of these days I’m going to fly to Tromso, Norway to watch that.
That would be something to see!

I guess if the sun never sets there, it doesn’t really rise either. They should advertise that too.

In Through The Out Door

2008-05-09T17:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was just going to enter a parkade circular, so as to exit the parkade, when a car came out of my entrance.

I’ve never seen that before! That’s not allowed.

Once you enter the spiral you have committed yourself to leaving the building. You can’t just pop out anywhere you like.

Someday I would like to drive up a parkade circular. Maybe I can bribe a parkade nightwatchman to live my dream.
It would be more fun if I could change my steering wheel to the right-side to do it though. Hugging the center I could really get up some speed like the drivers in The Fast and the Furious 2: Tokyo Drift. (crappiest movie ever)

In Japan the circulars are clockwise. I assume they are counter-clockwise in North America. I forget.

I forget which way water drains in the Northern and Southern hemispheres too.

I guess I could go look in my toilet, if I really cared.

Visiting the Equator 3 years ago, someone demonstrated the water spinning phenomenon.

It was just a trick, as we were only 2 meters on either side of the Equator.

I think you have to be farther away to see a difference: at least 4 meters maybe.

Supposedly at the Equator it’s easier to balance an egg on the head of a nail also. Now I know why I’ve never been able to do that very well before.

note: I bet there are no parking circulars on the Equator.

Magic Numbers

2008-05-09T17:45:00.000-07:00

Standardization makes life easier, but why these numbers for these things?

88 keys on a piano: why not 90 or 100?

6 strings on a guitar: sure there are 12 string guitars too, but why not 7 or 8 string guitars?

9 players on a baseball team: what’s up with that short stop?

11 players on a soccer team: why not 10, 12, or 15?

4/5 forward gears in a regular car: I’d like 6, and maybe 2 reverse gears too.

2 plug-ins on electrical wall outlets: I always wish there were more. 4 would be nice.

28 days in February: can’t the other months share a few days to even things out?

and

Scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, deuce, ad in, ad out.

There are some traditions worth keeping, and then there is confusion and insanity.

note: my other blog: http://planetross.wordpress.com/

same crap, different pile.

more comment friendly.

Driving Tan

2008-05-09T17:38:00.000-07:00

When I drive on a sunny day, I roll down my window and suck in that fresh air.

Actually, my air-conditioner is pretty crappy, so I can either sweat it out or have that nice fresh air I was talking about in the first sentence.

I get a pretty good driving tan most years.

People drive on the left side of the road here in Japan, so it’s my right arm that gets really brown.
I think of my driving tan as a cheap status symbol.

“Yes, I’ve been driving a lot recently; thank you for noticing. Why yes, the sun was out while I was driving.”

Most Japanese people drive with their windows rolled up tight and the air-con blasting.

If they do have a window rolled down, it’s usually because they are at a drive-thru window picking up burgers.

A lot of women wear long gloves to protect themselves from driving tan, or any other type of tanning. At least I think that is why they wear those long gloves; I could be wrong.

Maybe they are all going to fancy garden parties where they eat cucumber sandwiches with no crusts and drink barely alcoholic drinks from long glasses.

Some people have a farmer’s tan; a lot of farmers have it for some reason.

It looks ok, until the shirt comes off and then it just looks sad.

Unless it is on a shirtless woman, then it looks pretty good.

I like the driving tan look better than the farmer tan look.
But that’s just me.

I’m a driver, not a farmer. And I have the tan to prove it!

note: I guess a lot of farmers have driving tans, but you just can’t see them. Poor farmers.

Backpackers

2008-05-09T17:32:00.000-07:00

How people act while backpacking always amazes me.

Many backpackers can be fit into one of the following categories.

The Homer: Never changes their thinking on anything: home rules apply. They flush toilet paper in 3rd world countries, think siestas are stupid, and eat dinner at 6 pm sharp.

The Hippy: 24 hours after getting off the plane they are clothed in tie-dye, henna tattooed, pierced, and beaded up. Usually there is a mystical journey of discovery in progress.

The Mover: Go, go, go! Around the world in 6 weeks. Saw everything and have photos and t-shirts to prove it. They have visited a museum, bought stuff at a market, and taken a tango lesson before most people have gotten out of bed.

The Un-Jaded: Amazed at everything and never lose their sense of wonder. They could see 100 temples, shrines, cathedrals, or craft markets and still be incredibly fascinated by them.

The Secretive: Nocturnal; non-communicative; and vanish mysteriously with their stuff, without their stuff, with your stuff, or with the police.

The Tightwad: Will bargain with starving children to knock a penny off the price of a postcard. They visit every cheap place to stay, restaurant, shop, and tourist agency before making any kind of decision. Usually seen pocketing food during breakfast, so they don’t have to spend money on lunch later.

The Betters: Whatever you’ve done, seen, or bought; they’ve done better, seen more, or bought cheaper than anyone else. They not only visited Machu Picchu, but hang glided above it while Sting performed a free concert.

I guess I’m in The Labeler category: The person who pidgeon holes everyone else.

They can usually be seen drinking and playing card games with all the other perfect people.

Smorgasbords

2008-05-09T17:21:00.000-07:00

Aren’t smorgasbords the best thing ever?

All you can eat buffets: big stacks of clean plates at one end, and a guy with a big white hat carving beef at the other.
In Japan they call them “Viking” style; but it always sounds like “Biking” when they say it.

Argentina has got to have the best ones. Full on Chinese food, not too many salads to pass by, 2 or 3 guys working the meat grill, desserts to die for, and ice cream too! I don’t think they can be beat when you factor in the cheap peso.

My friend got banned from a smorgasbord for peeling the batter off the battered shrimp. That’s a no-no.

Smorgasbord translates into English as “sandwich table“.
It sounds better in Swedish though.
I don’t think I’d get too excited about an “all you can eat sandwich table“.

But…

I think I’m going to start calling sandwiches “smorgs”.

“I’m having a peanut butter and jam smorg for lunch today. Yum!”