I am the wretch that the song refers to

Cast All Your Anxiety on Him because He Cares for You

2010-05-14T20:52:00.004-05:00

It has not been the greatest week, hence why I haven't blogged in a week. Last Friday, Adam got in a car accident. Rather, someone smashed his car. He was on a delivery and had just come to a red light, and someone was coming up too fast behind him. It had been raining, and a hydroplaning car didn't hit their breaks in time. A car smashed into him, which sent his car smashing into the car in front of him. He had called me around 12:30, which was weird because I knew he was working 11-1. He called me up and said that he wouldn't be able to come up the next day. I asked why, and he told me the story. I immediately thanked God that he wasn't hurt and was okay. Of course it sucked that his car was totaled, but cars can be replaced, people can't.

I was visiting mom at work for lunch, and when he called me, I was just getting ready to leave mom's office. When I was driving home, waves of different emotions washed over me. A sense of panic started to set in. I knew he was okay and not hurt, but all sorts of thoughts rushed into my head about how it could've been so much worse: Adam could've gotten hurt or even died. I didn't want to think these thoughts, but once they started, I couldn't stop. I began to feel a bit nauseous, but I was okay. I then figured that I should probably go down by him, because I had a need to see him, almost like a reassurance that he really was okay. I didn't want to bother him because I knew there was a lot that he was doing, with reports and the police and whatnot. So, I called his brother Nathan, but he didn't answer. I called Adam anyway and asked if I could come down, and he said he'd really like that. I was almost home from Sheboygan, so I said I'd get there as soon as I can. As the afternoon went on, my inner sense of dread and panic grew more and more. I got home, did a few things, and then set off for Pewaukee.

The drive from my house to Adam's house is about an hour. It doesn't usually seem that long because it's all highway. This trip, though, seemed to drag on forever. I started to get teary as I was driving because of all the "what if's" running around my head. I felt sick as I was driving, and my anxiety was not ceasing. I was going through milwaukee around 2 on Friday afternoon, so I didn't expect to run into any traffic. Around Locust Avenue, traffic drastically started to slow down. I've driven through heavy, slow jammed up traffic before without any problems. I saw on one of the signs where they post traffic times that two left lanes were blocked off at North Avenue, probably due to an accident. Well, around this time Adam texted me asking how far I was. I said I was at standstill traffic by Locust Avenue and he said he was sorry and shouldn't have asked me to come down. I of course said he had no need to be sorry because I asked to come down and it wasn't his fault.

At this point, I became overwhelmed with anxiety. All of the thoughts about what could have been and what would it be like if Adam died or got hurt really bad and the rain I was driving in and the stand-still traffic just became too much. My chest began to feel tight and tears started streaming down my face and I felt dizzy and lightheaded and started hyperventilating and basically had a bad panic attack. Luckily I was barely moving on the road. Adam texted me again, asking how I was doing, and I replied saying "not too good, I'm panicking pretty bad." Then he called me and I answered, but I couldn't even speak. All he could hear was me trying to catch my breath. He calmed me down through the phone, just telling me to breathe and calm down and everything was going to be okay. It took a few minutes, but he did it. I ended up exiting on North Avenue and taking that west for a bit, and caught I-94 later on. Once I was breathing normally again, he asked if I needed him to stay on the line, and I said no, I was fine. Once I got there, I didn't even say anything, I just hugged him so tight. We didn't say anything for the first few minutes, just held each other. But for the rest of the day, I still felt uneasy. I hadn't had a panic attack for a few months.

Fast forward to today. Today at work was a very stressful day. I won't get into many details, but it is getting to be the busy time of year and there was just a lot going on today. Because there was a lot going on and it was a high-stress environment, this tends to put people in bad moods. Expecially some supervisors. Today was just a bad day overall. I was pretty much in a bad mood all day. One of the things that set me off was a mis-communication at work. I work in the back room pricing, and it isn't always the easiest to hear other people back there. There have been countless times where I have had to repeat myself or speak louder simply because I wasn't heard. One of my supervisors asked me a question from across the room, and I shouted a reply to her question. I was by no means trying to be rude or have a tone or anything like that, but apparently that's what she heard. She came over by my station where I was working and asked if I could stop being rude and that I should show more respect, etc. This really upset me. I started tearing up and tried explaining that I was just shouting so I could be heard and I didn't mean to come off as rude, but by the time I was done explaining I was crying, so she had me come in the office. She talked to me then for a good 15 minutes or so, the entire time I had tears running down my face as I tried to defend myself.

When I was done in the office, I went back to my station to price. As I went through the motions, I kept tearing up. I wasn't crying anymore, but I kept having my eyes fill up with tears. Also, shortly after I got back to my station, I felt my chest get tight, like right before I have a panic attack. I didn't though, I was able to take deep slow breaths. But once it went away, my chest would just get tight again. All I could think of was that I wanted to get away. I couldn't go in the break room because there were people in there, and I didn't want to get in trouble because I didn't have any more breaks. I couldn't go in the bathroom because it isn't a single bathroom, and I couldn't risk anyone coming in. I couldn't leave work because I only had a little over an hour left of my shift and it wasn't worth it to get an occurence for leaving work early. I felt trapped. I felt like I couldn't get to a safe place, because no matter where I would go, there would be other people. I felt trapped. Which didn't help my anxiety. Needless to say, I eventually got better by the end of my shift.

I am not going to lie here, but when I am feeling panicky and upset, it can be really hard to think of God and his comfort. I don't ever doubt God, but it's hard to grasp and understand that he is ALWAYS there with us, even when we are struggling. I noticed I am quick to help other people and give them advice and I enjoy giving words of comfort, but when it comes to myself, I am not as quick to take my own advice. Now, hours later, I reflect on God's word.

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you." ~1 Peter 5:7

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." ~Philippians 4:6

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." ~Isaiah 41:10

"Be still, and know that I am God." ~Psalm 46:10a

Father, I am not having the greatest week right now. I know that everything is going according to your plan, even though I don't understand it all now. I know that you are always with me, even if I forget it sometimes. I pray that whenever I get in a difficult situation and I begin to stress out and get panicky that I will stop and just think about you and remember that you are always with me. I ask this in your name, amen.

Why I am Not Participating in The National Day of Prayer

2010-05-06T09:49:00.003-05:00

Last week, I was invited to an event on facebook. When I saw the title of the event, it made me think. It was called the national Day of Prayer, which is today. I clicked "not attending", and here's why.

First I went to the NDP's website so I could read about it and learn more about it. Here is the mission of the NDP as stated on their website:

"The National Day of Prayer Task Force's mission is to communicate with every individual the need for personal repentance and prayer, mobilizing the Christian community to intercede for America and its leadership in the seven centers of power: Government, Military, Media, Business, Education, Church and Family."

Who we are and what we do:

"The National Day of Prayer is an annual observance held on the first Thursday of May, inviting people of all faiths to pray for the nation. It was created in 1952 by a joint resolution of the United States Congress, and signed into law by President Harry S. Truman. Our task force is a privately funded organization whose purpose is to encourage participation in the National Day of Prayer. It exists to communicate with every individual the need for personal repentance and prayer, to create appropriate materials, and to mobilize the Christian community to intercede with America's leaders and its families. The task force represents a Judeo Christian expression of the national observance, based on our understanding that this country was birthed in prayer and in reverence for God of the Bible."

Now, I'm all for prayer. I am not saying I am against prayer. I pray all the time. But it just doesn't seem right to me that the government set aside one day of the year and even signed into law that the first Thursday of May is a "special" day made for prayer. Also, prayer is a conversation with God, and you shouldn't have to schedule a time where you are "supposed" to pray. And another thing, if the whole purpose of this event is to bring us back and realize that our country was formed on Christian principles, why is this NDP open to all faiths? I don't mean to sound intolerant, but there is only one true God and there is a heaven and hell and other worldviews are not true.

"For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities- his eternal power and divine nature- have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse." ~Romans 1:20

For anyone who says the bible is false:

"All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness." ~2 Timothy 3:16

Jesus is the only way to eternal life:

Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." ~John 14:6

The point of this blog is not to prove why God exists and is the only way. I just brought up that point because it seems hypocritical for the government to try to bring us back to our Christian roots, yet invite any person of any religion to pray for this country. Anyone who pray to Buddha, Allah, or whoever else your religion tells you to pray to will not achieve anything. There is only one God to pray to that already has a plan and is all-knowing. I am not against people praying for God to help guide the leaders of this country. But to set aside a certain day of the year to pray isn't right. More people praying about something doesn't necessarily make it happen. Furthermore, prayer isn't meant to be a huge public event. Prayer is meant to be an intimate private conversation with God.

"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the streetcorners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go to your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him." ~Matthew 6:5-8

Jesus clearly states that when we pray, we aren't to be all public and open about it drawing attention to ourselves. If we do it privately or even in a small group setting like a bible study, we aren't going to be distracted and then we can truly have a conversation with God.

"Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them." ~Matthew 18:19-20

Jesus says here that prayer doesn't have to be a big group thing. God is always present among us.

I've stated it before and I'll say it again. I am not against prayer. I am not against group prayer. I am not against praying for the future of this country. I am not against making known the power of prayer. What I am against is setting aside a certain day and signing into law that today is a National Day of Prayer. Today is no different than yesterday or tomorrow, so the impression that I am getting and that I'm sure other people are getting is that today is a day where EVERYONE HAS to pray. Prayer is a conversation with God. This event is simply glamorizing prayer for a day. I am troubled by the point on the NDP's website that says that this event is to bring us back to our Christian roots, yet invites all religions and faiths.

So yes, I will pray today, just as I prayed yesterday and I will pray tomorrow and the next day. But that's just because it's part of my personal relationship with God. I will pray today because it's just something I do as a Christian, not because today is a special event that tells everyone to pray.

My Blog: Past, Present and Future

2010-05-03T14:07:00.002-05:00

When i started this blog last summer, it began as a journal where I would just write about what was going on in my life, pretty much an online public journal. But over the past few months, my post have been a lot more God-focused. Some of my recent posts have been updates and were about what is currently going on in my life, but just written differently than my older posts. The two posts before this one here weren't necessarily about what is going on in my life, I was just talking about an important biblical issue that is important to me.

So, this post is simply saying that I have noticed a significant change in how my blogging is going from when I started it last year, and I will just continue to write about what inspires me. I don't know how my posts will be next month or 6 months from now. We will just see where God takes me!

The Great Commision- What is holding us back?

2010-05-02T12:53:00.004-05:00

As a followup to my blog post last night about the great commision, I realized that simply telling people about what Jesus said to do and leaving it at that won't necessarily make people go out and do it. Sometimes, people are aprehensive about sharing. Some reasons as to why people may still hold back when it comes to sharing the gospel are fear, doubt, nervousness, a feeling of "I'm not good enough," a mindset of "evangelizing isn't really for me," or may a feeling of not knowing the bible "well enough." These things can hold any of us back, but only if we let them.

1. Fear, doubt and nervousness-
When people have a sense of fear when it comes to sharing the gospel, it may be a fear of a few different things. Some common fears when it comes to sharing the gospel could be a fear of what exactly to say or a fear of being judged. If you want to share the gospel and evangelize but are afraid to for whatever reason, that is perfectly understandable. We are human, we are all gonig to be fearful or anxious at some point. But we cannot let our fear hold us back from doing God's will. If you are afraid of sharing the gospel because you are afraid of what to say or how to say it, think about what settings make you most comfortable. Are you good at talking to a large group of people at one time, or are you better at talking one on one with a friend? Whatever makes you more comfortable, go with it! Being in your "comfort zone" will just help your words come easier. If you are fearful about sharing because of a fear of being judged, God gives us words of comfort.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." ~Joshua 1:9

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" ~Psalm 56:3-4

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." ~Deuteronomy 31:6

"If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you." ~1 Peter 4:14

There are countless other passages and verses throughout the bible that talk about God always being with us. Even when we feel lost, alone, anxious or afraid, God is always with us, and can give us the courage to share. If we are afraid of being judged, don't be because God is the one and only true judge.

"There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you- who are you to judge your neighbor?" ~James 4:12

2. "I'm not good enough" and "evangelizing isn't really for me"-
Some people might be hesistant to share the gospel because they may feel it isn't their place to do so. They might think only certain people like pastors or tv evangelists are the people that are supposed to share it. This thinking and mindset can cause people to keep quiet and not share, which is exactly what satan wants. Satan doeesn't want the good news of the gospel told! Satan is what causes you to feel not good enough. Well, the truth of it all is that sharing the gospel isn't for a special select group of people to do, it's for everyone!

He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation." ~Mark 16:15

There is not a single person living on this earth that isn't meant to hear the gospel. If we have accepted Jesus as our Savior and have the gospel message, it is then our job to share it with EVERYONE! Share with parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, friends, co-workers, classmates, strangers, teachers, neighbors, everyone! Not a single person is to be left out. And sometimes it can be hard to just go up to someone, whether it be someone we are close with or a stranger and just start spouting off bible verses and sharing the gospel or our personal testimony. Sometimes people can come to Christ by asking us about it. Sometimes the best way to get started in sharing the gospel is simply by living a Christian life that sets us apart from others. Someone may ask you "What is it that has you so happy? Why do you seem different from everybody else?" and that can lead to sharing about having Christ in your life.

"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give reason for the hope that you have." ~1 Peter 3:15a, 15b

3. "I don't know the bible well enough"-
I honestly think that no one can ever know the bible "well enough." People can read the bible numerous times and still learn new things about God. No one can "master" the bible. And honestly, you don't need to have read the whole bible or understand it all to be able to share the gospel. There is A LOT of the bible I have never read and there are some passages that I don't understand, but I have heard and understood the gospel message, and because I get it, I can and have shared it.

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." ~Romans 3:23

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." ~Romans 5:8

"For God so loved the world that he sent his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." ~John 3:16

"He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life." ~Titus 3:5-7

Bottom line, if you have accepted Jesus Christ as your Savior and understand the gospel message, share your story! No matter how you do it or what your approach is, there is no "right" way to evangelize. Pray about it if you have doubts or fears. God will be with you and help your words flow easier. No matter what your story is about how you came to faith in Christ, it's because someone reached out to you, and someone reached out to them, and it keeps going. It all started 2000 years ago with Jesus, and generations later, it got to us. We have to keep that chain going because that's what Jesus commanded us to do.

The Great Commision

2010-05-01T22:46:00.002-05:00

He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation." ~Mark 16:15

It can't get more simple than that. Some of Jesus' last words before gonig back up to heaven. He gave us the command to go into ALL nations and EVERY corner of the world and preach the gospel message to EVERYONE EVERYWHERE. There are no exceptions. You can't pick and choose certain people.

For "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!" ~Romans 10:13-15

There are people all around us who don't know the good news. They are our friends at school, our co-workers, sometimes in our family. We all know someone who "doesn't get it." They may have rejected it completely, denying its existence, they may be "agnostic", unsure of whether there is a God. There are people that never really have been exposed to God at all, simply because they weren't brought up in a church. There are also countless numbers of people around the world who don't have the gospel message simply because they don't have it in their own language. Jesus told us to share with EVERYONE. We all have different gifts and ways of sharing that work better for us. For some, evangelizing is more of a private one on one conversation with a friend or co-worker or family member. For others, they share the good news in more of a lecture type setting, whether by presentations, sermons, or speeches. There are also those of us who can strike up conversation with random stangers in a checkout line at the grocery store or on a city bus and share that way. Not one is better than the other, but regardless of how you do it, we are all supposed to preach the message! Now, the word "preach" simply means "to share, tell or declare." Which is exactly what we are supposed to do.

For me, when I finally "got it," there is nothing more that I wanted to do than share. I am more reserved and I don't handle public speaking very well, and I could never strike up conversation with a stranger. It was more my thing to share with people I know, and with just a few people at a time. I started with my family. Eventually, I felt more comfortable with reaching out to my friends and co-workers. I love sharing my story, it's just the setting for me is different than other people.

What I'm getting at here is if someone has accepted Jesus into their heart and has trusted in Him ALONE for salvation, why wouldn't you want to share it? God's love for us is such a wonderful thing! To know that you can make a choice about where you will spend an eternity is such a wonderful concept that everyone should know about! Holding back, to me, just seems out of place. I literally want to tell the world!

So, friends, family, and whoever else follows my blog; this is a message to YOU. If you have heard and understood the gospel message, what are you doing about it? Are you doing what Jesus said? Who have you shared the gospel with? Who are some people at school, at work, or even in your own family that don't have Jesus in their life? The reality of life is that everyone is going to spend an eternity somewhere. Every single person on this earth is either going to spend an eternity with God in heaven, or be permenantly separated from him in the firey pits of hell. So, if you have a close friend or family member that hasn't trusted in Christ as their Savior, what are you waiting for? If you truly care about them, wouldn't you want them to have the assurance of an eternity with God? People can die at any second, so there is no time to waste. Start saving lives!

Created in His Image

2010-04-23T20:27:00.004-05:00

I haven't blogged in a while, and I still want to try to work on my goal of at least once a week. It's just hard with work and seeing Adam and all of my other commitments. Now, with this post, I'm not quite sure how to start off with what I want to write about, so I'm just going to dive right in. Enjoy!

I have always had self-esteem issues for as long as I can remember. I remeber way back in kindergarten when no one else would play with me, so I had some negative thoughts about myself, like that no one liked me. As I got older, it only got worse. I was never the skinny kid; I always was a bit chubby. I especially gained a lot of weight around my 15th year. I was very overweight, and with that, naturally comes insults and name-calling. Many of my friends would disagree with this, but I consider myself to be somewhat shy. Of course, when I know people well and I feel comfortable with them, I can be quite outspoken. I never really had many friends. Sure, I had some people here and there that I would hang out with, but I always felt isolated and lonely. I never felt like I fit in. Most of my readers on here know about how bad my depression had gotten in the past few years. I literally hated myself and didn't want to live.

Over the past two and a half years I have overcome the majority of my "issues" from my past. But, one thing I still struggle with is self-esteem and how I view myself. Even though I have lost at least 40 pounds compared to my heaviest point, I still feel fat. (I still want to lose 20-25 pounds before I reach my goal. And honestly, this isn't unrealistic. For my height, my goal is in the healthy weight range.) I find myself constantly beating myself up on the inside. I can easily point out all my flaws and things about myself that are physically wrong. I am overweight and fat, I have acne and a greasy face, I have terrible vision, I sweat a lot, etc. I can go on and on about all the issues I have with my body, but I will leave it at that.

I also find it easy to pick at things "wrong" with me that aren't as noticible. I honestly don't consider myself to be book-smart at all. I know I am a slow learner and it takes me a while to catch onto things. I dropped out of two colleges over the course of five months. I do give up on things very easily and probably more often than I should. Just thinking back to high school, I didn't do very well at all. I wasn't in the top half of my class, and I even took a lot of the "easy" classes. I consider myself socially awkward most of the time. It isn't very noticable, but when I am surrounded by many people, whether I know them or not, I get a small sense of panic inside of "What do I say? What should I do? What do they think of me? What if they laugh at me? etc" I can be very unmotivated and straight out lazy. And again, I can point out tons of things wrong with me that I don't like, but I will stop here.

This whole self-esteem thing has been a struggle for as long as I can remember. It's something I struggle with constantly. I notice it more when I am talking with Adam, whether it be on the phone or in person. He is the most wonderful boyfriend ever, I wouldn't change a thing about him. We will just be talking and he will sometimes randomly tell me "you're amazing", "you're so pretty", "you're beautiful", things like that. Sometimes I will say thank you, other times I will deny it, saying no, you're wrong. I know he doesn't like when I disagree with him on that. There are also times when we will be talking or hanging out and I will just start complaining about myself. I know that sounds terrible, and I know that some people will just start saying stuff about themselves for attention. I can assure anyone who is reading this that is NOT what I am doing. But I will just start beating myself up verbally, and I can tell that it hurts him. I just don't have a high opinion of myself. But he has told me many times that I am the most smart, beautiful, pretty caring girlfriend he's ever had, and I want to believe him, but it's hard. I know he wouldn't lie to me.

This past weekend I went to church twice, once on Saturday night with Adam and the other time at the second service with my brothers. We have just started our study on Ephesians, and the theme of this past weekend's service was about how God chose us to be his. It was really an interesting sermon. It made me start to think about myself differently.

At my job, I have a lot of thinking time on my hands; I have a lot of time for my mind to wander. This Wednesday and Thursday I especially thought a lot. I thought about how I was sick of my bad attitude towards myself and I knew I wanted to change it. I realized right away that I wouldn't be able to do it alone, I would need encouragement from Adam and of course, help from God.

I know that we are all created in God's image. I know that God created me with a purpose, and I know that every single characteristic of mine is of his doing. I look how I look because that's how he made me. So my conclusion was something like this: I know I would never insult God, so why would I insult his creation? He made me like this, so who am I to judge myself and say it's wrong? I want to try to view myself through God's eyes, the way he sees me.

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." ~Genesis 1:27

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:13-14

"For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight." ~Ephesians 1:4

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" ~2 corinthians 5:17

Heavenly Father, you created me just as I am. You know everything about me, every thought I've ever had and will ever have. I struggle a lot with my self-esteem, and I know that when I say something negative about myself, it's like saying something bad about you or to you. I need your help to overcome this struggle, I know I can't do it alone. Please help me overcome this. I ask this in your name, amen.

Life is good!

2010-03-30T10:26:00.006-05:00

Life is going pretty fantastic. Adam and I just celebrated our 2 month anniversary this past Sunday, and considering both of our relationship history, this is a HUGE accomplishment. It's not like some of my past relationships where the first few weeks or the first month is great and then it starts to get tedious and boring and it becomes more and more of an effort to "make it work." If anything, it started out great and it's stronger now than ever and we get closer each day.

A few weeks ago I was texting with Adam and we started talking about sex. Now, don't get the wrong idea here. It was a good talk. We both have made mistakes in the past and we both have regrets from past relationships. You can't change the past, but you can learn from your mistakes to help you not make mistakes in the future. We both came to a decision that we are going to wait until marriage to have sex. At first I was a but leery to even bring this up in the first place, I was thinking it might make things weird or awkward between us, but actually, we have become a lot closer! We talked about how there is always going to be temptation, but if we keep God as our focus and don't get caught up in the moment, everything will work out. I shared with Adam a verse I found that we can keep in mind when temptation arises.

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." ~1 Corinthians 10:13

Later that day, I went to Sonlight Books, a Christian store in Sheboygan. I went there before I went in to work. I bought a ring that says "Love Waits" on it. I later told Adam about it, and I asked if he would be interested in getting one too because they had men's rings too. He gladly said he would get one too. Unfortunately, he still hasn't gotten one because he hasn't been up here by me in the past few weeks except this past Sunday, and that was when I found out that Sonlight Books is closed on Sundays. But the next time he is up here by me on a weekday, we are definitely going to get him one.

Things with Adam are going absolutely wonderful. We don't get to see each other as often as we would like because of our jobs, but it's okay because we talk on the phone almost every night. My job is going good, life at home is great. Life is good!

Heavenly Father, I want to praise you and thank you for the blessings in my life. Everything that is going on is going according to your plan; you are in control. I want to pray for Adam and my relationship, that you will continue to be in the center of it. Help us not lose focus of you, and when temptation arrises, help us maintain control. I pray that our relationship will grow stronger and closer, but only as we grow closer to you. I ask this in your holy name, Amen.

Where my family has come from in the past year

2010-03-16T14:00:00.003-05:00

I know I should be blogging more often, but I just haven't gotten around to it. In the past week, I have been meaning to and meaning to, and there were even times where I sat down and meant to, but I just haven't had quite the inspiration. I know there's a lot I need to update on and a lot that has happened, but maybe I just don't know where to begin.

When I first started going to Open Door last year, at first my family was against it. Both mom and dad would tell me that I needed to do what I was told until I was 18 (I was 17 when I started going) and that I was brought up Catholic, and that is what I was to stay. Well, I knew God was calling me and telling me what to do, and it wasn't to go back to St. Mary's. After a few weeks of going alone, Mom began to notice that I was actually looking forward to church for the first time in my life, and I had kept on asking her if she would come with me. Finally, she did, and she did enjoy it, but all she knew was the Catholic church her entire life, so she was warning me about potential false teachings and things like that. But, she continued to come with me almost every week, arranging when she would go to an Open Door service around when she would go to St. Mary's or St. Peter's.

A few weeks later, i invited my brothers to come with me, and they did, and they didn't understand how it was "church." Again, all they knew was the Catholic church and a service at Open Door was NOTHING like a Catholic mass. They said the service was waaayyy too long and "it didn't count as church."

A few weeks later, I finally was able to take my entire family: Mom, Dad, John and Joe. But, the only reason they all came with me was because after we went to the early service, then we all went to the late service at St. Peter's. I had been going to Open Door for almost two months at this time, and I absolutely loved it. I also hadn't gone to a Catholic church during this time. I had never really gotten much out of a Catholic mass before, but that Sunday, I can honestly say it was a wasted hour. I really really didn't get it. It amazed me that I could feel so alive with the spirit in me and singing praise songs and actually reading and learning from the bible, and then I go sit for an hour and recite chants that I had memorized since I was five years old and participate in the same mindless rituals and just didn't feel the precense of God like I did before.

Well, Dad didn't care much for Open Door. He is a very closeminded person. I started praying for him and mom, that they would be more accepting of me and my walk with the Lord. Even though mom was going with me almost every week, she still was uncomfortable with the fact that I had broken away with what I had been raised up in. Dad, on the other hand, was not so accepting. He thought that what I was doing was wrong because it wasn't how I was raised.

I had made it clear that I couldn't go to Catholic church anymore because it wasn't doing anything for me and there were a lot of things that I didn't agree with in Catholicism. Then, Mom started telling me about how she felt like a failure because her and Dad had brought me up one way and I was totally deserting that and leaving it behind. I have assured them over and over that they weren't failures, that because of them raising me in a church and I had a Christian base, I had never doubted that there was a God. I had just started seeking more, I needed to fill my spiritual viod and that they should be happy for me.

Everything that was going on put Mom in a difficult position. On one side was me: I was on fire for God and was looking forward to Sunday mornings and was reading in my bible for the first time in my life, and I just had a new attitude towards things. All good changes. On the other side was Dad: he was against me breaking away from the Catholic church because that's how I was raised, that I had just gotten confirmed the previous year, I was baptized Catholic at just a few weeks old, and what would Grandma think? Mom was, in a sense, torn between us. She liked going with me Sunday mornings and loved reading in her bible and learning from the sermons, but she still was going with Dad and my brothers to St. Peter's or St. Mary's. Her and Dad have had countless discussions about it all.

Fast forward to Summer. Dad had gone with Mom and me to a welcome class at Open Door where we all learned about the church's history, questions about the denomination, we learned about the church doctrine, what they believed, etc. It was really informative. That ended in summer of last year. By this point, both Mom and Dad came to terms with my spiritual choice. They were okay with me going. But, Mom continued to go with me, and go with my brothers and Dad to their service.

From last summer until January of this year, I had been growing in my faith. I got baptized last July as a new believer. My faith was stronger than it had been my entire life, and it felt fantastic.

From November of last year until about the middle of January this year, I had gone through some not so great relationships, both of which were with unbelievers. I struggled with a lot of different things during this time period. But then, towards the end of January, I met someone new, and he was a Christian! On our first date, we talked openly about our churches, where we were at in our walk with God, and more and this was all new to me because I had never been with a Christian before.

We had met on January 25, and decided to make ourselves "official" on the 28th. That was about a month and a half ago, almost two months. Coincedently, during the past month and a half, my passion for God and sharing the gospel intensified A LOT. I have felt so on fire for God in the past month and a half. It's an amazing feeling. I have been reading in my bible a lot lately, and I can just spout off all these verses. I redid the back of my car, taking off nearly all of my old bumper stickers and replacing them with Christian stickers. Adam and I have just sat down and read scripture, and we have asked each other to pray for certain situations in our lives. It's wonderful.

Because of my new passion for God that has really taken off in the past month and a half, I really want to share my story, to teach others about what God has done for me and what he can do for them. I even attended a prospective student weekend at New Tribes Bible Institute in Waukesha a few weeks ago.

During the past few weeks, I really started thinking about Catholicism and it's many errors. Now, what Open Door follows and where they get their beliefs from and what we read from every Sunday is the bible. What the Catholic church follows is something called Catechism. It's a list of nearly 3000 rules and phrases that are made up by man, and basically states their beliefs. Aside from the fact that we follow the bible and Catholics follow the catechism, which is wrong in itself, there are a lot of things that the Catholic church teaches and follows that are not mentioned in the bible and in some cases, straight out contradict the bible. I'm not going to name off all of them now, but it really made me uneasy.

The biggest thing that breaks my heart about what the Catholic church teaches is that you can never know if you're going to heaven or not. What we are taught is that you have to earn your way to salvation by doing good works. That if you follow the sacrements like baptism, communion, reconciliation and confirmation, you have a better chance of going to heaven. That if you confess your sins to a priest, he somehow has the power to forgive you of your sins but only if you pray the rosary or perform some act of pennace. All of that contradicts the bible.

See, for the first 17 years of my life, I had often wondered to myself if I was good enough to go to heaven. I never knew, so i lived in constant worry and wondered if I could do more "good things" to outweigh all the "bad things" I had done. I've discussed this with Mom and my brothers, and because Mom was going with me to church, she learned as I did that we CAN know where we are going to spend eternity. Last year we learned that by putting our faith in Christ alone and trusting in him, and believing that Jesus died for our sins and if we depend on that, we can know we are going to heaven! When I learned that last year, it was like I finally got it. A new life began for me. It was that simple! It just breaks my heart that Catholics aren't taught that.

Over the past few weeks I began to educate myself and learned more about the differences between Catholicism and Christianity, and it became very obvious that my brothers and dad were on a very differnt page than I was, and with mom going to two contradictory churches at the same time, I really started to have a problem with it. To me, it was like my mom was living a double life. She had put her trust in Jesus as her savior as I did, but was still going to St. Peter's with my family and participating in meaningless Catholic traditions. I have explained to her over and over that it's one or the other, you can't do both. We got into quite a few arguments about this.

Last week, mom and me spent some time together. We went out for dinner on Friday night and Saturday morning we went to The Cracked Shoe and sat there for a good two hours, and we talked about where everyone was at. She said that she is so proud of me of where I'm at, and she admires my passion for God. I explained to her about a lot of the ways that the Catholic church contradicts the bible and why it hurts me how every Sunday I am either alone or with Mom in church, and I'm surrounded by families that are all on the same page. We had again talked about her dilema, about how she feels torn. She said how especially over the past few weeks she has been struggling because I had such a desire to share, and there had been some tension in the house because of it. She also told me that she gets way more out of a service at Open Door and that she is learning there, and she doesn't get that at a Catholic church. She was just afraid to stop going because of potential arguments with Dad and what that might do to our family. I said that it isn't right for her to compromise her beliefs to please others, and she needs to start standing up for herself. If Christ is in her heart, that's all that matters. By the time we left the Cracked Shoe, she came to the decision that she wasn't going to St. Peter's anymore, just Open Door. I was so proud of her!

We got home saturday afternoon from there, and Joe was home. John was spending the day with Shelby, and Dad was out of state. We both sat down with Joe, and I did most of the talking. We asked him, "what are you trusting in to get to heaven? If you died right now, do you know where you're going?" He gave me the same answer that I would've answered with two years ago. He didn't know, and he mentioned the thing about "well if I'm a good person" and then, by the grace of God, I shared the gospel with him. I explained about God's love for us, about original sin that separates us from God, God sending Jesus to pay for our sins, and by faith alone is what saves us. It was a lot of information for him to take in. Then, we asked Joe when he was going to church, and he said he would go with Mom to Open Door that night. During the Saturday night service, I worked in the nursery, so i could hear the sermon. Pastor Sid had started a 3 part series on the ressurection, and during that service last Saturday night, he basically resated a lot of what I just told Joe at home. Of course, he did a better job of it than I did, because when church was over, Joe told me that he just got saved! I was so proud of him! I then went to babysit in Sheboygan, and Joe kept texting me, thanking me.

I continue to pray for my family, that hopefully we will all be on the same page. Joe told me that he will come with mom and me every weekend to Open Door. He even wrote on his calendar "saved" on last Saturday's date.

God almighty, I see your grace everyday in my life. Your beauty is all around me in the beautiful earth you created. I want to pray for me, that your love with continue to live in me and that I can be an instrument used by you to reach others. I want to pray for Mom, that you will continue to work in her heart and overcome any struggles she may still be having. I want to lift Joe up to you as he is a new believer, help him to grow in his newfound faith. I want to pray for John and Dad, as their eyes haven't been opened up yet. It's all in your time, and only you know what's on their hearts. I ask this all in your name, amen.

Jesus, be the center

2010-03-03T19:03:00.003-06:00

it's been nearly two and a half weeks since i last posted. i thought i was getting better at posting more often, but i've been slacking a bit. i spend the majority of my time working. when i'm not working, i tend to spend my free time with adam. if i'm not working or not with adam, i'm pretty much just relaxing at home.

i haven't forgotten to update, i just haven't gotten around to it. i tend to write really long posts, going into a lot of detail telling a story. at the very minimum, i tend to take at least two hours. when i write a blog post, i need no distractions, and an uninterrupted block of time. i haven't had that in the past two weeks. not only that, i haven't had anything that stands out that i felt the need to write about. things have been going really well for me. there are a few minor setbacks and bumps in the road, but that's to be expected.

one huge thing though that has happened, not in the past two weeks specifically, is adam. this past sunday, was our one month anniversary. i know we are still in that "honeymoon phase" of our relationship, because we havent had any problems yet. we both know and have said that we are gonna eventually fight, and we arent always gonna get along perfectly. i think that's a good thing that we both know and understand that, not like we are in some weird denial.

one amazing thing about this relationship compared to ANY other relationship i've been in, is our shared faith. it means so much to me that we can openly talk about God and the bible, and we can both ask each other to pray for certain situations in our lives. once, adam was over at my house, and we went in the office and we read from my bible for an hour and a half. i had never read anything from the book of revalation before, and he has studied it, so he wanted to discuss it. it was really an interesting experience, and he said a few days ago that he wanted to go over genesis with me. he hasn't come with me to church yet, but that's only because of his work schedule. he wants to come, but it just hasn't happened yet. it will, i know it.

i'm not going to list all the good things about adam, or why i think he might be "the one." there are a lot of great things about him, and about us. there are a ton of things we have in common, and there are a lot of ways we just "click." naming them all seems almost pointless, because hardly anyone reads my blog in the first place, and also because i just don't see the point in it. i know i've done it before with past relationships. well, they are past relationships. i get all excited and tell the world about why this guy is so great and for what purpose?

the main thing i wanted to say about adam is that he is a christian, and both of our #1 priorities in our lives is God, and it's great that we can share that. also, i felt the need to share that because this is the first relationship i've ever been in that i can say that. i know that we have a strong relationship because God has been our center from day one, even before we were official. on our first date, we talked about our churches and openly discussed religious beliefs, and it was just so refreshing!

after went out for the first time, i was surprised at first that he didn't ask me to be his girlfriend. we both liked each other a lot, so to me it didnt make sense. he explained to me that rushing into a relationship and not taking things slow almost never ends well, and he told me that we should pray about it, that if it was God's will for us to be together, it will happen. he wanted us to be friends first before making it official because then if things didn't work out, we would be comfortable with being friends. we prayed about it, and one thing led to another, and we've been together for just over a month now. i hope that we continute to grow closer and stronger in our faith together, and God will continue to be in our hearts and guide us.

Almighty Lord, you do all things well. I know you have a wonderful plan for me and a wonderful plan for Adam, and only you know if our future is together. I want to lift Adam up to you now, and i pray that you continue to be with him and be in his heart. I also want to pray that you will continue to guide me day by day, and help me make good decisions. I pray that you will be at the center of our relationship, and even though sometimes it's hard to keep a clear focus on you, I know that you never grow impatient with us. Your love is unfailing, and that's an amazing thing. I want to completely surrender myself to your will, and let my future unfold according to your plan. I know that sometimes I don't always like what happens, but I continue to trust in you. I know that whatever happens with me and Adam, whether we are together in the future or not, it is all according to your plan. I pray this in your name, amen.

Lord, there is nothing you and i can't accomplish together

2010-02-15T19:34:00.003-06:00

yesterday was sunday, which is, of course, my favorite day of the week. it was a very interesting day. a mix of highs and lows. but through both the good times and bad, i knew God was with me.

open door bible church, the church i attend, had started a saturday evening service this past weekend for the first time. i was planning on going this past saturday just to check it out, but some last minute plans to spend the day with my boyfriend came up. which was perfectly fine. saturday evening, my mom texted me telling me that it was a great service, so i knew it had to be exceptionally well. i find every week's service great, but there are some that just stand out. when mom makes a point to tell me, i know it is going to be good.

sunday morning, i roll out of bed around 6:15, and get ready for the day as i do every sunday. i am not usually a big fan of waking up at this hour, but i look forward to it on sundays because i love worshiping and learning more and more about God. i get to church about 10 minutes to 8, so i have some time before praise and worship starts. i take out my bible, and since yesterday was valentine's day, i look for my favorite passage on love. i'm not going to post the whole passage on here because it's kinda long, but it's 1 John 4:7-21.

well, mom was right. the service was wonderful. the music was fantastic, and the sermon really hit deep. after the service, i went to my bible study group for the hour in between services. after that, i went out to my car to get something that i was delivering to someone who attends second service. i walked into the auditorium and delivered the gift, and i was asked if i was staying for second service. i said no, that i went to first service because i had to work in the afternoon. we said our goodbyes, and i drove home. on the drive home, i realized that if i didnt have to work in the afternoon, i would've said "yes, i would love to stay for the second service." it honestly was that great of a service! that has never happened to me before. but i liked that feeling.

i get home, and i tell mom she was right, that it was an excellent service and i explained that if i didnt have to work, i would've stayed to hear it all again. she might've believed me, i dont know. so then i have some time to kill before i have to go into work at 1, so i just browse around online, nothing too interesting.

now, normally i would've had this past weekend off. every other weekend i have off. unfortunately, i did have off saturday and sunday, but both days i had to go into work. saturday for a staff meeting, and sunday for forklift training. now, i had heard about a week prior about the forklift class that i had to attend. i really was not looking forward to using the forklift. it's kind of hard to explain, but it kinda scared me for some reason. i didnt want to have to be in control of that big peice of equipment.

so i get to work, and punch in at 1. scott, the guy coming up to train me and 5 others, arrived around 1:30. we all sat around the table in the break room, and were handed 19 page booklets that had general information about forklifts, safety tips, hazards, dos and donts, etc. we were told right away that we are going to be tested, and if we pay attention and use common sense, we should easily pass. in a weird way, i was hoping i'd fail.

after we went over the booklet, we were going to watch a video about forklift safety. before scott put the video on, he told us that there is a lot of blood and gore, that it can be pretty disturbing. immediately, i began to worry and feel anxious, because i dont handle seeing other people's blood very well. i mentioned that, and i was told to just look away.

i don't want to go into too much detail about the film itself, because i don't want to feel anxious again about it, but there were a lot of actual forklift accidents that were dramatized and acted out, and they showed body parts coming off and A LOT of blood. unfortunately, i didnt look away fast enough for the first few scenes. i felt waves of nausea hit me, and i tensed up, and i became pretty dizzy. i started shaking, and it was hard to catch my breath. luckily, i closed my eyes and tried to focus on deep breathing so i wouldn't start hyperventilating and have a full blown panic attack. that helped a bit, but through the whole video i was shaking and felt sick. some people kept asking me if i was okay.

towards the latter half of the video, i had learned to look away sooner, but sometimes i looked back at the screen too soon, and felt more waves of nausea. nonetheless, i wasn't doing great, but i had calmed down a bit since when i first started feeling sick. when the video finally ended, we took our tests, which took no more than 10 minutes. once we were all done taking them, we were all chatting amongst ourselves, and i joined in the conversation, and by the time he was done correcting our tests and we went over the right answers, i felt nearly back to normal.

unfortunately, that feeling didnt last long. i thought after the tests, we would be done. no, now we all were to go out by the forklift and learn about ours specifically. then, we were to each take turns driving it, as well as stacking and unstacking. i then began to panic all over again. i didnt want to use it before, and after that horribly disturbing video, i REALLY didnt want to use it. it was so big to me, so intimidating. plus, i already felt bad about drawing attention to myself during the video, and i didnt want everyone watching me have a panic attack trying and failing at this thing. i felt sick again.

scott asked for a volunteer to start because we would all have to do it. of course i didnt volunteer. so i watched the first volunteer go, and my panic was increasing by the second. i really really didnt want to do this because i knew it would not end well. halfway through the second volunteer's turn, i felt so sick that i didn't say anything, just walked out of the back room and straight to the bathroom, where i proceeded to throw up. when i was done in there, i walked back to where we were all standing and watching. i was still shaking, and was still dizzy. after a few minutes, i felt so ill that i had to sit down on the floor. i was completely mortified and i hated drawing all this attention to myself. but i couldnt help it.

scott got me a chair from the breakroom so i could get off the floor, which again, was embarassing. he asked me if i was going to take a turn, and i said no with a trembeling voice.

the class was now over because everyone had succesfully used the forklift. except me. he took me aside and told me that he wasn't going to certify me, and i said that i was more than okay with that, that i didn't want to be in the first place. he asked me if i was panicky because of the forklift itself, or because other people were watching. i thought about that, i said it was probably a bit of both, because i am terrified of public speaking. i know this isnt the same as public speaking, but in a way it was because everyone's focus was going to be on me, watching me, judging me, scrutinizing my every move.

by this time it was around 3:30, and everyone that was in the forklift class was asking christy, the head supervisor, what they should do, whether it be pricing, going on their lunch break, or go out on the floor and straighten up and put things away. she told everyone what they should do, and lastly, she told me she wanted to speak to me in the office.

she told me that if i really hadn't wanted to go through with the training, i should've talked to her ahead of time. she said that if i knew there was going to be an issue with anxiety and getting sick, i should've talked to her. i told her through my tears that i didn't know that the video was going to upset me so much, and i didnt know that i wasn't going to go trough with it. im standing there crying, feeling terrible, and shes twisting around, making it sound like i knew that all of this was going to happen. she then explained how she was paying for him to come up here and train us, and paying for us to be there to get certified. she basically said i was wasting company money, which of course added to all of my guilt from before. she ended with telling me that i could leave at 4.

i got home and briefly explained to mom what happened. then, we went into my room and went over a chapter of a book we are reading together about evangelizing to others in a natural, not preachy way. i really enjoy it. we had an absolutely amazing discussion, and the only reason it ended an hour later was because we had to discuss dinner. i felt better mentally, but still had a bit of an upset stomach.

then, for the first time in months, if not a year, mom, dad, john, joe and i were all in the living room together, and we all watched a movie and ate pizza together. we very rarely have time to do things together as a family anymore because we are usually all in different places at different times. so that was nice.

later in the evening, i was talking to adam on the phone, and i told him all about my day, the good parts and the bad. i mentioned that i was kinda nervous about going to work the next day (today) because of what people might say to me regarding sunday's embarassment. i have gotten made fun of before in regards to having panic attacks, and i figured it was just going to happen again. he reassured me to not worry, that it's gonna be fine.

this morning before i went to work, i prayed to God asking for him to be with me, to help me with any difficulties i may encounter. i found this verse, and reflected on it:

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" ~Psalm 56:3-4

it is so true! i know God is always with me, through good times and bad. when i was dizzy and shaking at work, when i was throwing up, and when my supervisor was making me feel bad, God was with me. today at work, i was reading in my bible during my lunch break, and i came across this verse.

"I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." ~Psalm 34:4

can it get any more clear than that? the Lord is always with me. i need to have faith in him at all times. he has a plan for me :)

Almighty God, i want to pray to you and ask for your help. there are many times i am struggling, or am encountering a difficult situation. i know you are always with me, but sometimes i forget that when i am hurting. i pray that my faith in you will continue to strengthen, and that i won't forget of your compassion and never ending, unfailing love. i also want to pray that when i an in a difficult situation, that you could give me the right words to say. Lord, thank you for helping me through the bad parts in my life, as well as being with me to rejoice during the good times. Lord i ask this in your precious name, amen.

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord

2010-02-12T14:05:00.007-06:00

as of right this minute, i pretty much have no idea what i want to do with my life. ever since i was a child, like anybody else, i have had dreams of what i wanted to be when i was older. as i got older, my ideas and plans have changed. i have been "absolutely certain" many times that i was on the right track. not even having been out of high school for a full year, i have already been enrolled in two colleges and within a week of the first day, i have dropped out of both.

at this time last year, i had my plans set. i was going to finish high school, make money during summer, go to wartburg college out in iowa for four years, get a four year degree in social work and then move back here. i was going to find a job close to where i live now, and have an apartment by myself, and eventually get my masters in social work. well, all of those plans came to a halt after attending one day of classes out in iowa.

i moved back home, and started looking for a job, and had almost two months of no luck. in november i was hired at goodwill, and by that time, i had decided to go to ltc starting in january. i thought that i was taking on way too much of a load back at wartburg, so i thought that taking just two classes, having class once a week and being a part time student would be easier. i would have school on thursdays, and still work as much as possible at goodwill so i could be schooling and still making money. again, i had a bunch of plans, and they all changed after one day of class.

a bit off subject here, but pretty much everyone that knows about my school incedents or hears about me dropping out after one day, twice for that matter, doesnt get it. they dont get how i can come to that decision after one day. it's hard to explain, and i'm not going to get into detail about it. but people need to understand that what may be best for someone else may not be best for me. when people say i give up too easily, they don't understand what was going on inside me. i just know that some things just cant work out. it really hurts me when people think i am lazy or not trying or when they say i dont have motivation.

mom and dad have been asking me a lot lately about my future plans, what i want to do with my life, what job i want to have, questions like that. honestly, i dont have an answer for them. i have had plans and hopes and dreams for my future before, and they always get crushed. they never happen. i can get myself all excited about plans for the future, and when they end up not happening, it's yet another disapointment. i simply tell my parents that i don't know what i want to do. i dont know if i will ever get any more education. i dont know where i will live. i dont know when i will move out, and we all want it to be hopefully soon. i dont know when i will get married. the answer "i dont know" doesnt satisfy them.

i can easily name off countless jobs and careers. teacher. police officer. computer repair person. auto mechanic. lawyer. doctor. store manager. research scientist. plumber. wedding planner. interior designer. taxi driver. the list goes on and on and on. but no matter how many jobs i name off, i just can't seem to picture myself in any of them.

careers i have considered in the past, i still have an interest in. for example, social work. i would love to be able to help and connect with children and teens that are disadvanteged and living in troubled homes. i feel like i can easily sympathize with people, and i have a lot of compassion. lots of people have told me that i have a big heart full of love. i agree. that's why i was so passionate about social work, because i know i can easily show love and understanding an patience, and i knew i wanted to work with kids and teens. i wanted to help change lives, one at a time. i still want to reach out to kids and teens that are struggling, but if you look at the job of a social worker, it's a lot of paperwork, dressing in business casual outfits every day, sometimes going to court, that doesnt interest me. i dont want all that formality, i just want to be able to help people.

after my plans for pursuing social work, i considered childcare. this is what i was enrolled in ltc for. last summer i did a lot of babysitting, and i absolutely loved it. i melt around babies, and i have been told before that i am really great with kids. countless people have told me that i would be a great mom, and i agree. i cant wait to be a mommy. childcare, mainly working in a daycare, is what i was aiming for next. not exactly the same as social work, but i still would still be working with kids, just much younger kids. and i wouldnt really be able to help those in difficult situations.

as of right now, i dont know what i want to do as a career or job. thankfully, i have a good job working 30-35 hours a week, and i do like it. but, i dont want to work at goodwill forever. i am simply living day by day, and i dont know what i will be doing or where i will be next month, much less next year. some may say that my mindset is lazy and unmotivated, and that is not true.

when i am asked what i want to do with my life, i dont know, at least not career wise. but over the past year, and especially in the past few weeks, i feel like all i want to do is praise God and worship him. i love sharing my story about being saved. when i talk about my faith, i find it, for the most part, really easy to talk about. i have encountered some struggles with people questioning my beliefs, but it has only made my faith stronger. i try to read in my bible as much as possible, and i am getting better and better and being able to reference specific verses. i have an overwhelming urge to tell people about the gospel. God is my life. i want to share it with friends, family, coworkers, even strangers. of course, it is hard sometimes, especially when i dont know the person that well. i know that i cant talk to everyone and share the gospel and my story with every person i know, so i am trying to simply live a life pleasing to Christ. yes, i mess up and struggle daily with temptation, but i pray that God living within me can shine through me in things i do and say, and maybe people can notice Christ in me and ask me why i am always so happy, or why i act a certain way or something like that. i want people that don't know about God's amazing love to maybe see it working in me.

so basically i dont know what career or job i want to do, but i do know that i want to live for God.

i dont know what God has in store for me. i know that he has a wonderful plan for me, i just dont know about it yet. so when my parents ask me about what i am going to do for the rest of my life, and i say i dont know, it means that God has not yet revealed his plan for me. i continue to pray for my parents and anyone else that is worrying about my future. of course, i wonder about what i will end up doing, but i try not to stress out about it or worry about it too much, because that will not help any matters. i take life day by day because i have faith and trust in God that everything that has happened so far is all leading up to his grand plan for me.

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." ~Psalm 55:22

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight" ~Proverbs 3:5-6

"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him." ~Nahum 1:7

almighty God, you are amazing. you know every thought i've ever had. i put my complete trust in you, for you know my future. you have an amazing plan for me. i will wait patiently for your plan to be revealed to me. i know whatever hardships i will encounter, you will be right there with me. i want to lift up those who are worrying about me or anxious about my future plans. i pray that they too will be patient with you revealing your plans for me. God i also pray that when i am faced with an evangelistic opportunity that you work through me, and be in my heart guiding me with the right words to say. i ask this in your name. amen.

it's not a religion, it's a relationship (part 2)

2010-02-02T12:08:00.002-06:00

having God in my life is without a doubt, the greatest thing to ever happen to me. i love talking about it, i love sharing my story about coming to faith in Christ. being saved has transformed my life, and i know that it is noticable. ive had people tell me straight out what a change they've seen in me, and it makes me feel so good to know that God's love in me is shining through to others.

i have gotten a lot of positive feedback about coming closer to God and a lot of people are happy for me. i have friends and other adults that i can openly talk about the bible and God and chruch with, and i cherish those relationships with those people. but as with any situation, it isn't all positive and happy. i get a lot of negative response too.

there will be times on facebook where in a status, i will ask people to pray for me, or i will simply put a bible verse as a status. of course i have some people tell me that they will pray for me or will "like" my status. i also will be criticized, made fun of, or even mocked. i know that there are nonbelievers out there, that is a fact. i know i am friends with nonbelievers. it does bother me and sometimes hurt me when people that are important to me judge me based on what i believe.

a few weeks ago, i updated my "about me" section on facebook, which is basically my rewritten testimony. i am very proud of it, and i wanted to share it. after i rewrote it, i wanted people to read it, so in a status i asked for people to read it. of course, i got a lot of positive feedback, but i also got a lot of negativity.

one person in particular texted me about it because i wasnt online. she told me that because of what i wrote and because i asked in a status for people to read it, i was apparently pushing my religious beliefs on everyone. this conversation troubled me. she said that i was a hypocrite because i had done a lot of bad things, and then i go and write this stuff up "trying to make myself sound all perfect and holy." she basically called me a liar and that i was writing this stuff up to make my self sound good. i knew she was wrong in accusing me with this stuff, and at the time, i was in shock that she could accuse me of this. i prayed for her because i knew she was lost and she didn't know what she was talking about.

at the time, i didnt really have much to say to her. but now, if she is reading this, and she should know who she is, i want her to read this and at least try to understand.

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." ~Romans 3:23

yes, i am a sinner and i have done bad things in my life. i still sin, and i know i will sin in the future. we are all sinners, and i am no better than anyone else. everybody is a sinner, and that is why God sent Jesus to pay for all of our sins.

"If we claim to be without sin, we decieve ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives." ~1 John 1:8-10

with her calling me a hypocrite, she is basically calling anyone that has God in their lives to be hypocrites. i am no better or worse than her or my mom or a pastor at church. we are all sinners, and nobody deserves to go to heaven. because we are all sinners, we deserve hell and eternal punishment.

"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Romans 6:23

i know i am a sinner and i dont deserve to be with God in heaven. but, i also believe that God sent Jesus to pay for my sins and i placed my trust in that. i know that i am going to heaven because i acknowledge that i am a sinner just like everybody else, but i have been saved from eternal punishment.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever beleives in him shall not perish but have eternal life." ~John 3:16

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no man can boast." ~Ephesians 2:8-9

"But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having hope of eternal life." ~Titus 3:4-7

this is an amazing truth and i want to share it with everyone. i know that through my life, there will be struggles and sharing the good news isnt always going to be easy. i know that i have a firm foundation with Jesus. he is my center, and my faith cannot be shaken. i just have to learn to be more patient and pray for those who are lost. here is a passage that i like to reflect on when i am struggling with this:

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted because of your name in Christ, you are blessed, for the spirit of glory and of God rests on you. If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or theif or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name. For it is time for judgement to begin with the family of God; and it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God? And, 'If it is hard for the righteous to be saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?' So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good." ~1 Peter 4:12-19

Lord, you are all powerful. you do all things good. i want to pray for your guidance in my life, and i want you to be in my heart. when i encounter difficulties of doing your will and sharing the good news, i pray that you will guide me to do what is good. i want to live my life for you. Lord, i pray that your love will shine through me and help me reach out to others that don't know of your wonderful love. i want others to know you and be able to know and experience the great joy that i have. i ask this in your name, amen.

it's not a religion, it's a relationship (part 1)

2010-02-01T21:34:00.007-06:00

as most of you know, i have undergone a wonderful transformation in the past year regarding my relationship with God. i love sharing my story.

january 11, 2009 was the first day that i set foot into open door bible church. from the moment i walked in, i felt something that had been lacking in every church ive ever stepped into. i felt welcome. i remember my 7th grade english teacher opening the door and letting me in and embracing me in a warm hug, and i could tell right away that i was going to like this place. she invited me to sit next to her and her family for the service because i had come alone.

having been raised and brought up in a catholic church for the first 17 and a half years of my life, i had one narrow minded view of what church was. everyone gathers, sing a song, listen to some readings from the bible that never made much sense to me, listen to the preist talk for a bit about random topics that never held my interest, walk up to the front of church and get communion and that was it. throughout all of this, there was reciting prayers that i had known since a young age that if i were to actually think about it, didnt make sense either. church would bore me, and even at 16 and 17, i would still try to fake sick or come up with some excuse as to why i couldnt go. i didnt get it.

open door bible church has opened my eyes to a whole new world. i was lacking so much knowledge before going there, and of the knowledge i did have, the majority of it was false. i had never picked up my bible before just to read. no way. that is boring. at least, that was my mindset.

i can remember me thinking to myself as young as age 7 when i know i did something wrong, i would wonder if i was going to hell. in my mind, i would have 2 sheets of paper. i would imagine that every time i did something good, i would get a tally mark on the "good things" sheet, and every time i did something wrong, i would get a tally mark on the "bad things" sheet. from a very early age, i was brought up thinking that my "good things" sheet had to have more tallies than the "bad things" sheet, because the more bad things i do, the less likely chance i had of getting into heaven.

as i got older, i hadnt thought any different. the ages of 13-15 were really difficult for me. it was those years that my faith was nearly non existent and i didn't really have a relationship with God. i still went to church every week becuase i was forced to, and if i didnt, it was a sin and i wouldnt go to heaven. i experienced some major depression, and had contemplated and even attemped suicide a few times. i was at such a low point in my life that i knew that if i died, i was pretty sure i was going to hell. it was a very confusing and difficult time for me.

a few years had gone by, and during my 17th year i wasnt in such a depressed and emotionally charged state of mind. i was maturing, and i knew that there was a God, and i had a religious base in me that goes back to birth. i had always gone to church, but i didnt have a relationship with God. i knew that there were people that had what i wanted. i had friends that liked their church and would bring friends to it and would look forward to all these fun events with their youth group. i felt like i was missing out, and i wanted what they had. i started seeking advice, asking friends for help. i wanted to be spiritually alive.

one thing led to another, and my search to be alive in Christ is what led me to open door on that cold january morning.

i will be honest, it was nothing like i was used to at all. i wasnt sure what to expect, so i guess i was prepared for anything. we all stood up and we were singing praise songs. i had never heard these songs before because i was used to singing hymns from the hymn book. it was an awakening experience. there were drums, guitars, a bass player, keyboards, and there were like 6 people in the front of church performing all of these songs and everyone around me was singing along. this was all new to me! but i could tell a few songs in that i was going to like it here.

after we spent some time singing praise songs, we were told to be seated, and then pastor sid walked up to the front. he told us to get out our bibles and open up to mark, chapter 13. now, i had a bible sitting on some shelf somewhere in my room. i never opened it. i never felt the need to. i didnt bring it with me. at that point, the whole idea of reading and following along in our personal bibles at church was a completely new idea to me. i had never seen or heard of anyone bringing a bible to church. i was used to hearing someone read a short passage from the old and new testament as we listened, and then moved on to the next part of mass. it was never explained, no matter how confusing. it was read, and then we moved on. never thought twice about it.

so, pastor sid starts with a breif overview of what had been gone over last week, and then started talking about mark 13. he basically had us follow along as he read it, and would go into detail about every verse. we all had sermon outlines in our bulletins, and he was explaining key points on a white screen with powerpoint and a projector. he talked for a good 45 minutes or so, and then we prayed, and then it was over. i remember asking "was that it?"

for once in my life, i sat through a church service, and i felt like i had actually learned something. it held my interest completely, and i didnt once feel a second of boredom. i couldnt wait to go home and tell my family all about it. i had never been able to explain what a preist said during a homily because it was usually irrelevant and didnt pertain to me. what really shocked me was that sunday afternoon after i had gone home and told mom and dad all about it, i was actually looking forward to next sunday so i could go again. they didnt believe it. after all, what parents of a 17 year old would believe that they were actually looking forward to going to church?

i continued to go every week, slowly meeting people, and i was so excited when my mom finally came with me. i kept looking forward to the next sunday where i could learn more and sing more praise songs. my relationship with God was growing more and more each week.

i dont remember what the exact date was, but sometime last spring, pastor sid was using a diagram on the powerpoint to explain something. he had asked us, "what are you trusting in to get to heaven?" i didnt know what he meant by this, and then went on to give us three choices. 1, we could be trusting in works alone. 2, we could be trusting in Christ alone, or 3, we could be trusting in Christ + works. well, he didnt give us an answer. so, i thought about this. well, i had always thought about the good works thing, it went along exactly with my mental tally mark system. i knew that was part, if not all of it. of course we had to do good things, that's just how it is! i thought about the second option, and that just seemed foreign to me. why would someone just think of trusting Christ to get to heaven? there was no way that could be possible. i thought to myself that it had probably had to be some of both, because i knew God had a say in it, so i thought that the third choice was the right answer.

i was so wrong.

pastor sid went on to explain that no one deserves to get to heaven, and that no matter how many good things we do and how many bad things we avoid, none of that matters. he explained that everybody is a sinner, and we all deserve to go to hell. he elaborated further, and explained the concept of being saved, a term that i had never heard before. being saved, (assured entrance into heaven) simply requires that we have to understand that we are all sinners. we have to believe that God sent his one and only son to the earth in the form of man to live amongst sinners to die on the cross as our substitute. we need to believe that God sacrificed his son to pay for the sins of everyone, past, present and future. if we believe that in our hearts, then we are saved, therefore we can get into heaven.

hearing all of this was completely new to me. it almost seemed too easy. i had never once thought i had done anything good enough to get in. that was the day that i became saved, and i placed my complete trust in Jesus. it was literally a life changing moment for me. in a way, it was also a big relief.

a few months later, i was baptized as a believer. it was on july 26, the day before i turned 18. me and a few other people of all ages and all with unique stories to share took turns going up to the front of church and sharing our testimonies, about how we came to faith in Christ. then we were all went outside and took our turns getting into a big tub, and we were immersed in water. that is a day that i will remember for the rest of my life.

my faith continues to grow as time goes on, and i absolutely love sharing my story. my life has changed for the better over the past year, and it is an indescribable feeling. it is wonderful knowing i have a personal relationship with God, and i am honestly not afraid to speak up about my faith. it is without a doubt the most important thing in my life, and i want God's love to shine through me to others.

Lord, you are so amazing and perfect. i desire to live a life that pleases you. i surrender myself completly unto your will. Lord i know you have great plans for my future. i pray that when i am struggling, i am able to turn to you, for your love never falters. i know that i will encounter difficulties, and i pray that i can do the right thing. with you in my heart Lord, i know i can overcome any difficulty. i pray this in your wonderful name, amen.

too much too fast

2010-01-27T12:47:00.005-06:00

once again, i have been slacking. it has been nearly two weeks yet again, and i am still going to strive for my goal of updating my blog at least once a week. if you read this entry, it may seem like a contradiction to my previous entry, but hopefully it will make sense.

last time i updated, i was in a relationship with a nice guy named alex. if anyone has read the previous entry, you may be wondering why i just said that i WAS in a relationship with alex. we are not anymore. i broke up with him last week tuesday night.

if you are like most people, you are probably wondering why. i too was wondering why i did it, but yesterday when i was at my session with my therapist, she explained what she thought and it all made sense.

alex and i had been together for about two and a half weeks. to me, it felt like a lot longer. he was probably one of the nicest guys i have ever met. i met him and he tried to make me feel so special, showering me with compliments. we had been texting each other for a few weeks before we actually met, and the day i came over by him, he already told me he was falling for me. now i know me, and i am the type of person to fall fast and fall hard for someone. for some reason, i couldnt say anything back. i had never felt this way before, when someone really really liked me and i didnt feel the same way back. i figured that i was still trying to get over eric because he had really hurt me, and maybe it was too soon to jump into a new relationship. he told me he understood that and he would wait for me.

from the first day of meeting and every day since, he was always telling me i was beautiful, cute, smart, sexy, gorgeous. he also told me i was perfect, and that i was an angel sent to save him. now, i have had self esteem issues for as long as i can remember, and every single time he told me a compliment like that, i would immediately shut him down. i think that me doing this might have discouraged him, but he didnt give up.

i know for a fact that our short relationship went way too fast. it wasnt long before he told me that he loved me, and when he said it, i just stood there and stared at him. i felt tears well up in my eyes. i couldnt bring myself to say it back, becuase i honestly didnt feel it. he once again said he understood, that i still wasnt over eric so i just needed more time. that was the story that i told him, but at this point, i honestly knew i was over eric. yeah, i missed talking to him and i wondered how he was doing and i still care about him as a person, but that's just how i am. within those two and a half weeks of our relationship, he fell for me, told me he loved me, said that one day he wanted to marry me, and said that he wanted me to be the mother of his children. i didnt show it, but whenever he said those things, it scared the hell out of me.

ive been in love a few times before, and every time that i know im in love i feel the same. i get butterflies in my tummy whenever they say something sweet, i look forward to whenever we get a chance to spend time together, i want to bring them out with me and show them off to the world as if to say "hey look everybody! check out this special guy i'm with! i'm soo lucky to be able to call him mine!". when i'm in love, i cherish every minute spent together, and i can feel free to speak my mind and tell them honestly how i feel. i always look forward to recieving that next text message and overall, i just feel happy and on top of the world when i know i'm in love and one of the greatest feelings in the world is knowing that that special someone loves me back. also, every time i've been in love, i feel attracted to that person. when i'm attracted to someone, i'm not afraid of showing affection, like hugs and kisses and holding hands, whether if we are watching a movie, walking, or driving in the car. i'm also a big cuddler.

when i was with alex, looking back, i can honestly say that i didnt feel any of this when i was with him. i never felt those butterflies. it didnt matter to me when we were gonna see each other next. i eventually told alex i loved him, but when i did it was really hard to look him in the eyes, and even after i said it the first time, he would tell me, and i still didnt always say it back. hardly ever did i send the first text message, it was always him, mainly because i didnt feel the need to talk to him. i didnt have anything to say. other times when he would text me, i just wouldnt send anything back. i didnt feel like i needed to. i never once felt an attraction to him. sure i'd hug and kiss him and we'd hold hands, but he was always the one to initiate it. i never went out of my way or "made a move" to do so. there would be times where he'd ask to kiss me or ask to make out and most of the time i'd just say no. sometimes i wouldnt even give a reason, i'd just say no.

the big thing that greatly troubled me is as i stated above, when i'm in love, it just shifts my mood from average and simply living day by day to elated, happy, and cheerful. i would look forward to each new day because i would always be thinking about them, and i'd have that constant reminder of knowing i was loved. over the past month and a half to two months or so, i was happy while in love with eric, heartbroken when he dumped me but tried to keep my cool about it because i prayed a lot about it, and if it wasn't in God's will for us to be together, then i had to be okay with that. of course getting dumped hurts, but i knew i needed to move on. i know God has a plan for me and i had to keep my faith in that. so i got heartbroken on christmas eve, then for the next week i was slowly recovering from that. january 3rd was when i finally met alex in person, and we were officially "an item." right away i knew that i should feel great and happy because someone really really liked me, but i didnt and i just figured that i wasnt over eric yet. but i quickly learned that it wasnt about to get better, it was in fact about to get a lot worse.

for those two and a half weeks, i fell into a deep depression that was sort of explained in the previous post. alex didnt really know because he has only seen me that way, so he didnt know of me any other way. my mom has told me several times during that period that she was really worried about me and was always asking me if i was okay. people at church were asking me how i was doing, and i would always plaster on a fake smile, and with a lot of obvious pain in my voice, i would say that i was doing fine or okay. like i said in the previous post, i felt isolated. i was losing contact with my friends and i just didnt care about pretty much anything. i was walking around in a constant daze, and talking to people seemed like a strenuous activity that i didnt feel the need to go about doing. i know i probably hurt my brothers because i was in a constantly bad mood. i would yell at them and get mad at them for every little thing. i hated myself because my family could tell i was in a pissy mood and i never had anything good to say. every thing out of my mouth towards my brothers was just cutting them down, insult after insult, and even though they were annoying me, it wasnt anything more than usual. they didn't deserve it and i know because of my state of mind i overreacted to everything and blew it all way out of proportion. my depression was also affecting my performance at work, becuase i felt every little task was a big effort, so i went about things more slowly. i just overall was really really down. i would cry myself to sleep some nights and i didnt even know why. i thought i was going crazy.

finally, last week tuesday, i had off of work. tuesday nights mom and me usually go to a bible study unless i had to work. then just mom would go. i had gone into my room around 4 or so in the afternoon and cried myself to sleep and would be waking up and dozing off for about 2 hours. mom came into my room around 6 and asked what was wrong, and i told her i had a migraine. whenever i get a migraine i usually go into my room and sleep and i dont want to be disturbed because that's the only thing that helps them pass, so mom understood and let me be. i told her that i didnt want to go to bible study that night, i just wanted to rest. i didnt have a migraine, i just wanted to be alone and cry and feel sorry for myself. i fell back asleep for about another hour then woke up again a little after 7.

i got up and looked at myself in the mirror. i looked absolutely terrible. my hair was in all directions, my eyes were red and so was my face, and my eyeliner was smudged terribly. i went into the living room because i knew i wouldnt be able to sleep anymore for a while. during those few hours i was in my room, i had turned my phone to silent so i wouldnt be disturbed, especially by alex. i had a few messages from him asking whats up, how was a doing, the usual. i replied saying that as usual, i was in a shitty mood. he was like okay... as usual, i didnt reply. then he asked if he could take me out to a movie on the weekend, and i said no. he asked if he could see me at all, and i said no again. he then asked if i wanted to be with me, and i didnt reply for a bit.

at least 10 minutes later, i mentioned that i was unhappy and had been thinking a lot recently about whether it was a coincedence or not that in the past two and a half weeks that i had been with him, i had also been in a terrible depression for the past two and a half weeks. he said that that really hurt, and then i went on about what i had all explained above, about what im like when im in love and how i didnt feel these things. i wont go into detail about what we all said, but i said that i need to stop living to please you and making myself miserable, and i need to start living for me becuase i hated myself right now. he said what i was saying wasnt making any sense and kept asking me why i was doing this, that he had done nothing wrong. i agreed, saying it didnt make any sense and he didnt do anything wrong. he then went on to call me a selfish bitch, saying i led him on, etc. of course, hearing insults hurts, but as soon as i declared it over, i immediately felt a weight lifted off of me. that was the first time in a break up that i didnt feel sad. of course i felt bad for hurting him because i couldnt give him a good explanation, but i felt a sense of relief, like i wasnt tied down anymore.

i summarized what all happened with alex yesterday at my therapy session, and i asked her why i felt so depressed while i was with him. everyone told me he was better than anyone ive ever had, that he treated me right and he treated me how a guy should treat me. my therapist told me it made perfect sense to her as to why i was depressed. i knew that he treated me good and was honest with me and respected me, all the signs were telling me i should be happy. my family liked him and my borthers told me to hang on to him because he's a keeper. but i knew deep down that i didnt want to be with him, that i wasnt attracted to him, and i had been trying to convince myself that i needed to be with him cuz it seemed right. the majority of my previous entry was me yet again trying to convince myself that i loved him and wanted to be with him. she told me that i was basically having a war within myself, that my mind was fighting with my heart, and this constant internal conflict was wearing me down, making me depressed. it all made sense then! looking back, it was so obvious.

in the past week, i am nearly back to my usual self. i am not depressed anymore, and i continue to pray daily about my future. i know God had a plan for me, and i surrender myself to His will. i reflect daily on my favorite bible verse.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" ~Jeremiah 29:11

i have decided that i will try to not rush into relationships anymore and when i do get into another relationship, i need to take things a lot slower. i need to be with a christian, someone with a strong faith. i need this other peoson to respect me and be open with me. there needs to be openess and honesty. there is a chance that i might have found this person, but i won't go into detail about him now. we are praying daily asking for God's guidance and for God to be in our hearts so if our friendship grows into something more, God will be at the center of us. i'm used to being rushed and rushing, so this is a whole new concept for me. but so far, i like where it's going. i pray multiple times a day about him and i, and he says he does too. we know God will guide our hearts to where they are meant to be.

i can't think of a title for this one.

2010-01-14T20:34:00.002-06:00

im not gonna make the mistake i made last time where i waited two months to update my blog. im already slacking because it's been almost 2 weeks.

i have a new man in my life, and i know i've said it before, but i know that he is different. when my younger brothers tell me with complete seriousness that "you need to hold onto this guy. you should hear the nice things he says about you when you're not here. this guy really cares about you." to me, that is huge. if my 14 year old brothers think he's a keeper, then there must be something there.

his name is alex, and i think i'm in love with him. this is different than my last relationship on so many levels. he is everything eric wasnt and tells me all the things eric wouldn't say. alex respects me, trusts me, cares for me, isn't ashamed of me, and couldn't dream of hurting me. he tells me things that i've never heard before in my life. i asked him to explain to me what he sees in me, and i have his reply saved in my phone. "when i see you i get butterflies in my stomach and very nervous because i have never had that kind of reaction to any other girl... i dont know how to handle it. when i kiss you i forget my name. when you talk it sounds like an angel is speaking. when i get a text from you i smile ear to ear."

i can honestly say that i've never had that kind of connection with anyone before, because even tho i was blind to it at the time, people tend to not treat me well. my parents see it too, that no one has ever been this serious about me and has treated me that well. in one week, i have gotten 4 boquets of flowers from him, 2 are roses.

he is the sweetest guy ive ever met, and of course, i wonder if it's too good to be true. he knows this too. he knows ive been hurt before, and more than once. he knows i have major trust issues, and that's not just with relationships, that's with anyone. anytime i get close to someone and begin to trust them, i always get hurt. always. he claims that he will be patient with me for as long as needbe, that he will never get sick of me. of course i've heard that before and it's never proved to be true. so part of me of course wonders why this is any different. why should i believe this is different? why should i believe him when he tells me and told my parents that he will never hurt me?

one of the things different about him is he is ALWAYS complimenting me, something i am not used to. all the time i hear how beautiful, cute, sexy, smart, pretty, amazing, or perfect i am. i dont agree with any of it. pretty much every time he says something like that to me, i shut him down. i quickly jump to my defense and quickly disagree. "no i'm not." "you're just saying that." "you're supposed to say that cuz you're my boyfriend." then, i immediately feel bad because i know i hurt his feelings, even tho he doesnt show it. i've had low self-esteem for as long as i can remember, and i feel like i'm just being fed more and more lies.

i know i'm slipping into a depressed phase again. ive been feeling it coming on for the past few weeks. i just feel like im waking up, forcing myself out of bed, every couple days i'll go to work and go through the motions there. i don't feel like i'm living an exceptional life, im just going through the motions and merely existing.

i know i'm losing friendships. i'm losing contact with most of my friends because what used to be a weekly phone call or a daily instant message, is simply nothing. i can tell some of them just dont want anything to do with me, and if they did, they would talk to me. i just dont have the energy or motivation to make contact. in some ways, it bothers me because i miss having people i can rely on to talk to, but i'm becoming more and more isolated. i'd actually prefer sitting home alone in my room than be out with friends forcing myself to smile and make friendly conversation. i am a friendly person, and i try really hard to get people to like me. but i will not go out of my way to talk to somebody at work, or call anyone up to make plans. i will talk if i am spoken to.

socializing, to me, simply seems like a huge effort that i dont want to do. if i start talking to someone, i become anxious and in my mind, millions of thoughts start to race around in my head. what if i mix up my words? what if i say something they don't want to hear? what if they are completely bored with me? what if they secretly can't stand me and me talking to them is only making it worse? what if i start rambling? for the most part, even tho it may not seem like it, talking to people is hard for me. not with everyone all the time, but i know it's there. i wish i could converse with people easier, but it's becoming harder and harder.

basically, i just don't feel happy. i know that i go through these cycles every few months where life just sucks more than usual, and this is definitely one of those phases. i just dont have an interest in things much anymore. i dont really wanna do anything, just sleep or get lost in tv.

alex is being absolutely wonderful with this, he says he will stick with me in good times and bad, and no matter how sad or mad or angry or depressed i may get, he's gonna stay by me and do whatever he can just to see me smile. i think i may have found my other half, and i know it may be too soon to tell, i can easily see a future with him.

i know it's been almost 2 months but...

2010-01-02T12:57:00.010-06:00

my apologies for not updating this in almost 2 months. i havent forgotten about it tho, honest! i've been meaning to update it more often, but i seem to have been, well, distracted. my goal of updating at least once a week has flown out the window. basically, this is going to be a long entry of what has all happened in the past 2 months.

at my last entry, things were a lot different than they are now. back on november 11, i was 10 days into a great relationship with someone i thought was "the one." and i'm not gonna lie, the first few weeks of our relationship were fantastic. he was good to me and everything was wonderful. some people say we went fast, and looking back, i can definitely see that. even while everything was happening, it kinda surprised me.

friday october 30- i am sitting home, bored. i decide to browse around on craigslist. i find an ad that catches my eye. "i'm more of a homebody, i prefer to stay in and watch movies an cuddle on the couch." those weren't the exact words, but that was basically what was said. i send a reply to this ad, and then after a few emails, we exchange numbers so we can text. by then, it's nearly 2 a.m. and we are tired, so we go to sleep.

saturday october 31- eric and i text all day. that night was one of the playoff games for cedar grove. cedar grove hosted oostburg for a game at 4 p.m. it was a really cold night. eric and i text all thru the game, and we feel a connection. we feel as if we know each other well enough to meet, and we both like each other already. i get home from the game a little after 6, and i ask mom if i can go out that night to meet someone. of course, my family isn't too keen about me driving to milwaukee to meet a stranger that i've only been talking to for a day. so, they let me go out, but we have to meet in a central location. so, we set up to meet at the movie theater in saukville for the 9:30 showing of zombieland, his choice. i walked thru the first set of doors and didnt see him yet. so i face the parking lot, and there he is. we make eye contact, and i instantly feel butterflies. he won't even let me touch my wallet, and he buys our tickets. we get there early, and we have to wait outside for the previous showing to end. so, we sit on a bench and talk about things, getting to know each other. later, we walk into the movie. first we hold hands, and eventually he has his arm around me. i felt on top of the world. we walk out of the movie hand in hand, and he walks me over to my car. he tells me he had a great time, and he enjoyed meeting me. i said the same back. we hugged, and went our separate ways. i smiled the whole way home.

sunday november 1- we text some more, and we both really like each other and want to see each other again. we are both looking for a relationship, so we make it official. we make plans for him to come over the following friday because of course, my parents want to meet him. the next few days were filled with excitement and anticipation. we texted nonstop and really got to know each other.

friday november 6- around 4 p.m., the doorbell rings and the moment i had been waiting for for days is finally here. i open the door, and there stands eric with a beatiful boquet of a dozen white roses. i nearly melted right there. i welcome him in with a hug. i give him a tour of the house, and when we get to my room, i tell him i have something for him. i pull out a small metal skeleton key, no more than 3 inches long. i give it to him, and tell him it's the key to my heart, and the he now has it. he then hugs me again, and then we have our first kiss. just when i thought things couldn't get any better, they do. we then have a family dinner with him and my family is asking him all sorts of questions, getting to know him. i couldnt stop smiling for the entire night.

saturday november 7- eric comes over in the morning because i invited him to cedar grove's next playoff game, which was at 1 in fond du lac. i also was picking up carolyn, caitlin and shelby on the way, so eric is officially starting to meet my friends. all 3 girls like him, which is a good sign. i finally got to show off my man in public, and it was wonderful. after the game, he came over and we watched movies. i was falling hard.

monday november 9- my parents had met eric, and they absolutely adored him. they trusted him and trusted me, so i was now allowed to go down by his apartment in milwaukee. i arrived in the afternoon, sometime around 2 or so, and i was very nervous at first. this was a whole new experience for me. of course, he just wrapped his arms around me and said everything was gonna be fine because i was with him now. he did have to leave a bit before 4 because he had a class to go to from 4-5, so i just hung out in his apartment waiting for his return. he got back, and made a comment about how he loved coming home to a woman he loved. my nonstop smiling started all over again. later that evening, he decided to drink pickle juice. he apparently really likes pickles and the juice they are in. i know some people really like pickles, so hey, who am i to judge? i am not a big fan of pickles, so i started joking around saying that i wasnt going to kiss him for the next hour. he said fine. about a half hour into that, he started begging for just one kiss, and i said that if he can give me one good reason why i should, i would. he started naming off all these silly things, "because i want you to", "because i really like you", "because i met your family for you" and it was all pretty funny actually. we couldnt stop laughing. i kept saying nope, you're gonna have to think of a better reason than that. finally, we were standing, facing each other. my arms around his neck, his arms around me, and then he said it. "because i love you." i kissed him, looked into his eyes and smiled. i said "that is exactly what i wanted to hear. i love you too." it was wonderful. keep in mind, we have been officially gonig out for a week and a day now. later in the evening, around 10 or so, we get into his car because he convinced me to wait outside gamestop for him for the midnight release of modern warfare 2. it wasn't bitter cold out, but it was november and it was wisconsin air. we stood outside of gamestop on capitol drive for 2 and a half hours talking and just enjoying each other's company. it was wonderful. we get back to his apartment sometime between 12:30 and 1, and i really didnt want to go home. so, i made a mistake of not letting my parents know about me not coming home, and we went to sleep together in his bed. i am being completely honest here, we didnt do anything. it was simply sleeping and snuggling. it was the greatest night of my life so far. i wanted to wake up next to him forever, and he said the same. unfortunately, when mom woke up at 5 am the next morning and saw i didnt come home, she was pretty mad. but i didnt care. i was in love.

i went into great detail about those days to put into perspective that it wasnt all bad. things were great, but obviously, they went fast. i was happy tho.

fast forward a few weeks. one things about me if you ont know already, is God is extremely big and important in my life. so, i invite eric to church with me on sunday, november 22. it went okay...

later that week i was spending the day by him, like i did at least once a week. the subject of religion came up. this was the start of the downfall of our relationship. he didn't like my church because we "pushed" religion on people. he said that because we had one of our missionaries briefly speak about his work in another country. he obviously doesnt understand that the whole message in the bible is to spread the gospel, which means "good news." we got into a bit of an argument about different aspects of religion and my story about how i came to accept Jesus as my savior. i eventually asked him straight up "do you believe that God sent his only son Jesus to the earth in the form of man to die on the cross to pay for everyone's sin, past, present and future, so that everyone who believes in Him can spend eternal life with Him in heaven?" the answer i got? "no." at that moment, i started to rethink what i was getting into. i wanted to witness to him and tell him so much, but he said in an angry tone to just drop it.

fast forward again to sunday, december 13. i convinced him to come with me to church again, and it didnt go as smoothly as the last time. we picked him up at the park and ride in port on our way to church, and first thing he does is makes fun of what im wearing. this isnt anything new, he has been making fun of me a lot lately. i understand that people can jokingly tease each other and it's harmless. friends do it all the time, but there becomes a point where it becomes too much. he had been making fun of me a lot lately, and ive been constantly asking him to stop. i had been feeling like he wanted to change me. not to help me, but to change me so i could please him better. i had been feeling like i wasnt good enough for him, and if i just acted differently and dressed differently and did all these things that he wanted, he would stop making fun of me and i could feel loved and wanted again, but nothing i did was enough.

anyways, back to the church thing. we pick him up, and he sits by me in church. i was really into pastor sid's sermon, and it was a few weeks before christmas so the sermon's were more about what christmas was about, and that particular sunday, it was about God's amazing gift to the world. somewhere during the sermon, pastor sid said something along the lines of "Jesus came to this earth for everyone, believers and nonbelievers because God loves everybody." eric leaned over and whispered to me (loudly) "i bet God doesn't love the muslims." i turned red and was so embarassed. i wasnt about to argue with him because we were in the middle of church. i hope no one heard him. after church was done, he proceeded to embarass me further during abf. he didnt say much, but what he did say made me look bad and was just plain immature. after that was done, we were talking in the front lobby. i dont remember all of the conversation, but eventually he began mocking me and my faith, saying "well, while we're on the subject of mythical creatures, why don't we call on fire breathing dragons to come save us too?" i was hurt and astonished that some people can talk like that. i know it's very real and it happens all the time, but i was still shocked and hurt.

i didnt say a word to him on the drive back to the park and ride to drop him off. i got home and left shortly for work, where i was scheduled to work from 12-7:30. a few hours later, i had a break around 2, where i texted eric asking if he truly loved me because i honestly wasn't feeling it. what was great the first few weeks had quickly dissapeared. i only had a 15 minute break, and he hadnt replied by the time my break was over. i had a half hour lunch break scheduled from 4-4:30. during that half hour, we had a nasty argument via text message. he said he was sick of my pushing religion on him, i was too immature for him, i wasnt good enough for him, etc. he told me to fuck off and that he never wanted to see or speak to me ever again, and called me a bitch.

needless to say, i was in shock, i was completely devasated, and was utterly heartbroken. i clocked back in to work, and walked to the bathroom because i honestly thought i was going to throw up. not even 5 minutes of gonig back to price clothes, i was crying and crying. one of the supervisors came over by me and asked what was wrong and i said that i just got dumped via text. then i started crying all over again. cindy (the supervisor) asked if i wanted to go back to the break room and take a few minutes to calm down. i said no, and i asked if i could go home because i felt sick. i did, and spent the rest of the evening in my room. i later cried myself to sleep and kept waking up during the night feeling sick and cried some more.

the next day was monday, and it was a hard, rough day. i had to work that night from 4:30 to 9:30. for the first time since before i had met eric, we didnt text all day, which was hard for me. i was heartbroken. during my break at work, which was probably around 6:30, i texted eric "you know this whole not talking to you thing really sucks." he replied almost immediately agreeing. i asked him if he was hurting at all like i was, and he said yes, that there was a hole in his heart where i used to be and he didnt know how to fix it. he told me that he missed me and said he was going to give me another chance. when i went back to work after my break, it was a complete turnaround. instead of tearing up constantly and forcing myself painfully to work, i was constant smiles again. after i was done with work, we set up that he was gonig to come by the next morning and we were gonna talk. my parents were at work and my brothers were at school, so it was gonna be just him and me, no distractions having an open and honest talk. we were going to start things over with new ground rules. i was very much looking forward to the next morning.

tuesday morning he comes over, and im not gonna lie, things were awkward. we talked for a good 40 minutes. we both were open and honest and said things we wanted changed. i told him to stop making fun of me so much, pay attention to me and what i have to say, respect me more, etc. those are all things that shouldnt be a problem in the first place, but whatever. he gave me 3 conditions that i had to go with in order for him to take me back. 1, i was not to bring up religion or church or anything along those lines ever again. 2, i was to not ALWAYS be texting him. like no more all day texting. here and there was fine, but not too much. 3, i was to start dressing "more girly and more grown up."

the first one, obviously, was hard for me. i almost felt like i was torn between God and him. i shook that feeling off right away because i thought i could make it work, because there are tons of couples that dont share the same religion. i knew it would be hard, but i figured i could make it work. the second one was easy. the third condition felt unfair to me, like "i'll stay with you if u start looking the way i want you too." but i was in no position to argue. i was more than grateful that i was given another chance. technically, it should be the other way around, but one of my downfalls is that i live to please.

after we talked, we met my mom for lunch. right away i could tell that things werent the same. i still felt alone. i didnt say much. there were a lot of awkward silences. i couldnt even really look at him. i spent the majority of lunch daydreaming. mom could tell that something was off.

the next few days were okay.. i never brought up church, i texted him only a few times during the day, and i had a plan for the following saturday to spend the day shopping, mainly for new clothes for me.

the following sunday, mom and i had a special day planned together. after church, we went out to lunch and then went to a play at the rep theater down in milwaukee at 2. we had it set up already that since we were down there, after the play, seeing as how we were just a few miles away, we were gonna visit eric.

i hadn't seen him since that tuesday where he came over and we talked. things still felt a little weird, but better. when mom and me left, he gave me a kiss and i felt like i felt during the first few weeks of our relationship, on top of the world. "finally" i thought. "things are back to normal."

we had plans for christmas, which was later that week. it started on tuesday the 22nd already. he pretty much just started ignoring my texts, and when he did say something, it was rude and immature. he had already told my family on thanksgiving that he wanted to spend christmas home alone getting drunk. he HATES the holidays, especially christmas. i knew that his pissy attitude was due to christmas, but i hoped it would pass.

christmas eve: i was scheduled to work until 3:30, but i got done earlier than that. the plan was for me to go over by eric's parent's house, then that night he was gonna stay over, and christmas day he was gonna spend christmas with my family. i go over by his parent's, and the whole time i'm there, there was a lot of tension. i couldnt even look at him. every other thing he was saying was rude and immature and i felt embarassed to just be sitting in the same room as him.

(a side not here that i forgot to put in earlier: that sunday night that he dumped me at work, i put an ad up on craigslist, but took it down the next day. it didnt feel right. one of the people that replied was someone by the name of alex.)

after a while of sitting there embarassed, i started texting alex. alex was very nice to me ever since we started talking. as i was explaining to him the situation, like where i was and what was going on, he said that he doesnt deserve an awesome girl like me. he was telling me all these flattering compliments that i have never once heard from eric. so here i was, sitting in eric's parent's house, flirting with alex. i knew it was wrong, but i didnt care. at least someone was treating me good.

later, i left for church because i had to drive from sheboygan falls down to port washington, and it was sleeting out. the roads were terrible. church was amazing, i didnt want it to be over. it was one of the few times my entire family was there with me.

after church was over, eric texted me asking when we were gonna be back home. i get home, and he's already there waiting for us. he was telling me that if it would've been longer, he was going to just go home. so we go inside, and we change into our pjs. (in separate rooms of course) he then brings out a half empty bottle of rum that he tells me and my family that he stole from his parent's house before he left. he then proceeds to walk around the house drinking straight from the bottle, and as usual, makes fun of me and pretty much every thing i say. it was embarassing. my dad even offered him soda to mix it with, and eric said no, that you get drunk faster when it's straight up.

i leave him in the kitchen with my family and curl up on the couch by myself and put on a movie. i continue to text alex, updating him on what was going on. he couldnt believe that he was being so trashy and disrespectful. eventually, my family and eric joined me in the living room and he's bothering me the whole time. he kept breathing in my face because i told him his breath smelled terrible cuz of the alcohol.

before the movie was over, my parents went to bed. no one was paying attention to the movie, everyone was focused on his making fun of me. joe was joining in sometime, but not as much, and john was just sitting there listening, shaking his head. eric eventually got up to use the bathroom, and john walked over by me, looked me right in the eye and asked "why do you put up with that? you dont need that. he's always mean to you." i thought about what to answer, and i finally said "i dont know."

eric comes back, and like he has been all night, he is talking about going home. it was sort of joking around at first, but as the night progressed, he was getting more and more serious. it was seriously bothering me. i keep telling him that soon the movie will be over, i'll set up his bed in the office, we will all go to sleep, and in the morning we are gonna spend christmas together with my family. he kept saying that he would rather be at home getting drunk. of course, this whole time i am still keeping alex updated on this. he is disgusted as to how someone can treat "a wonderful girl like you" that way.

the movie ends, and joe had already gone to bed. john gets up to use the bathroom. i get up to turn the dvd player and tv off, and i ask him if he would like me to set up his bed in the office. he says no. i ask if he'd like to sleep on a couch. he again says no. i ask where he is going to sleep, and he says his bed at home. things are going bad fast. he is raising his voice, and i didnt want to wake my parents up, so i ask if we can please take this to the office. we go in there, and start arguing. as soon as we get in there, he begins changing from his pajamas back to his regular clothes. this isnt a good sign.

apparently, i was forcing christmas on him. he doesnt like christmas to begin with, and it was hard enough for him to do one christmas already, he doesnt need another one. i said that that was completely selfish, blah blah. "we shouldnt be spending holidays together already, we aren't even in a serious relationship." were his words. that, obviously, hurt. he then brought up the comprimise thing, and said i wasnt being fair. that was totally ridiculous. i brought up those three conditions he made me follow, which i had been. i brought up what i said to him, about what he has to do for me, and how he hasnt gone through with any of that. for quite a while i felt as if all i was doing was give give give. i said "do you have any idea how hard i've been trying to make this work? i stress myself out day and night trying to do whatever i can to make things work, to make you happy. do you even care at all?" he replied "no. i dont care anymore." i said "you know what? you will never have the ability to make any girl happy because all you are about is yourself." he said "no, i have the ability to love other girls, just not you."

there were more things said, but that was the main part of it. eventually, he got his stuff and slammed the door and left. haven't seen him since. i was in shock. john came out from the bathroom, and said he heard the whole thing. he said he was totally on my side and agrees with me 100%. john even said "i never really liked him anyway." this, my friends, is proof that no matter how bad siblings annoy you, they are always there to have your back. looking back, i shouldve hugged him right there, but i guess i wasnt thinking clearly.

i went to bed and told alex what had just happened. he said it didnt surprise him, and even tho it hurts now, it's for the better. he then continued to tell me i deserve better, etc.

i really didnt want to wake up the next morning. spending christmas with my family was the last thing i wanted to do. i barely got any sleep, and my eyes hurt from crying. dad tried waking me up, and then mom did. no luck with either. mom eventually came back into my room and told me what happened, how she woke up and saw eric wasnt in the office. john was already up and told her what happened, how he was being mean to me and how he left. i still didnt want to get up. john came into my room then and convinced me to get up, bless his heart.

i was in a lot of pain, physically and mentally. we opened presents as a family, i took a lot of pictures. i tried to put on a happy face, and i guess i feel bad for making it awkward with my family. i could tell that no one really wanted to say anything to me for fear of saying the wrong thing and having me start crying, i dont know.

i told mom i didnt want to go by my aunt's house, that id prefer to just be home alone that day. she reminded me that in saying that, i was just like eric. so, i showered and got ready, and we rode up to my aunt's house, about 40 mins north of here. i spend the ride up listening to depressing music and texting alex. he was trying so hard to make me feel better, but it just wasnt working.

once we get to my aunt's house, we are offered drinks. mom gets wine, and since it was christmas and a family gathering, she lets me share. needless to say, i drink it down like water. i eventually got my own glass and down some more, and then it's time to eat. i was starving because i didnt have breakfast, and the only thing i had all day was that delicious wine. i had never drank before and i was discovering fast that i enjoyed it. i started to get warm fuzzy feelings and i was laughing more than usual. i remember joe just looked at me, and i burst out laughing. mom didnt let me have anymore after that. she told me to knock it off and stop causing a scene, but i didnt care, i felt amazing and happy. i began to feel pretty tired and nearly fell asleep at the table.

later that night the alcohol wore off and i felt awake again, so my parents and i watched "it's a wonderful life", which mom had never saw. that is the only christmas themed movie that i actually like. when it was over, i felt better. plus i was texting alex the whole time. it sounds cheesy, but that movie gave me hope, made me feel better.

nothing TOO much has happened since christmas, but i havent spoken to eric since. i take that back, i did have to text him to ask for his address so mom could mail him his gift card from the family. i still miss him and he hasnt left my mind completely. he never will. i dont forget people easily, especially meaningful ones. i still think about my first boyfriend from 4 years ago sometimes. i honestly thought he was different, and ill say it again, the first few weeks were wonderful. i'd give anything for it to be like that now. i dont think about him as much as i used to, but he's still there. and like anyone else i've ever been with, part of me will always love him. that's just how i am. it's been a week and a half. i know he didnt treat me fair and good, but i cant help it. there is so much about him that i miss and always will miss. we had such big plans. but i know that will never happen.

one of the reasons i made it this far and one of the reasons i'm trying to stay strong through this is simply with prayer. i have been praying about eric and i for weeks, that whatever happens is all happening for a reason. i can't argue with God, and what has all happened, is happening now, and what will happen in the future is all part of God's plan for me. i have been reflecting on some of my favorite bible verses a lot through this.

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God." ~Philippians 4:6

also, i have been listening to casting crown's "praise you in this storm" a lot. i know that whatever God has in store for me is bigger and better than what i can imagine. life is filled with ups and downs, good times and bad. this was just a painful stumble down the road of life. i am okay with that. i completely surrender myself to Him.

i will try to update this more often so i dont have to have such long entries that no one ever reads anyways. take care all!

happy days :D

2009-11-11T12:04:00.002-06:00

my apologies for not updating this thing in nearly a month, i have a lot of things to update on! i have been busy. well, sort of. i honestly havent been doing too much. o well the point is that im updating it now.

if you didnt know already, i am going to be going to school. i will be starting at ltc in january, and i will be going for childcare. my ultimate goal is still to be social work, and i will keep that goal in mind. im just working towards it slowly. when i do get into social work, i wanna work with kids and teens so it's all connected.

here's another update: i am totally and completely madly in love! i wanna tell the world about my amazing boyfriend eric. i havent even known him for a full 2 weeks yet, but i dont care. it feels like ive known him a lot longer. this sunday will be our 2 week anniversary. i just love him so much! my family really likes him too, so thats a big plus. when he came over here last friday to meet my family, he gave me a bouquet of a dozen white roses. monday afternoon i went over to his apartment and i had the most wonderful time with him. monday night was the first time we said "i love you" and yes, i did sleep over. im not gonna lie about it, i did sleep over there. but guess what people, it is possible for 2 people to sleep next to each other without anything happening and without any clothes coming off! because all that happened was we slept. im not that stupid. just making that clear. he is probably gonna be joining my family on thanksgiving. there is definitely long term potential here. i think he is the one :]

i have also voluntarily started going to therapy. i have a lot of fears and some phobias that i want to get over. i know that i cant do it alone, and i need help if i want to overcome them. i think i explained it better in my previous post. i wont go into great detail about what i am all afraid of, because i know ive explained it better in other postings.

well, that's all that i really have to update on. at least it's something! once again, i'm gonna try to update this more often.

update. nothing interesting, but it's something.

2009-10-16T12:46:00.005-05:00

ive been thinking a lot about updating this thing, and i knew i shouldve updated it sooner, but i just havent had enough motivation to. nothing overly interesting has happened. so i guess this is just another update.

today, i was supposed to meet with an admissions counselor at ltc, but that got rescheduled for monday. i am gonna see if i can apply for the childcare program. i hope that that goes well.

tomorrow night i am going to see boys like girls at the rave with chris and some of his friends. i am pretty stoked for that!

i have started exercising again. well, i cant really say again because i never really have. i first started this week, so it's still pretty early on to see any results, but i know i need to take better care of myself. since ive moved back home, i dont really do much. i sit around and dont really pay attention to what i eat and i know that ive put weight back on. basically, my new exercising involves walking on the treadmill for half an hour. i do it in the morning before i shower because when i am done i am SOAKED in sweat. i start off slow and work it up to speed walking. plus im paying more attention to what i eat and how much of it i eat.

as some of you know, i have a needle phobia. it's really bad. overall, i have medical fears, like avoiding going to the doctor for fear of there being something wrong, and i dont like seeing other people's blood. it makes me feel lightheaded. but needles are the worst. i start to freak out if i simply see a picture of a needle. ironically, a tv show that i like to watch is mystery diagnosis on discovery health channel, and intervention on A&E. both of which usually involve needles and the actual showing of injection. on mystery diagnosis, it's usually for shots or blood tests, on intervention the injections are usually for drug use. but either way, i cant watch. a few days ago i was watching mystery diagnosis, and it unexpectedly showed a needle going in skin, and because i didnt see it coming, i didnt have time to look away or close my eyes. i then proceeded to burst into tears and started shaking and nearly hyperventilating right here on the couch, simply from seeing it. luckily, i was the only one home. my needle phobia is so bad that i dont want to have kids because i know that when you are pregnant, you need to have bloodwork done. shots for me are bad, but id take shots any day as opposed to bloodtests. that is by far THE WORST. ive had a few bad experienced with bloodtests and i will avoid them on all costs. plus, when you actually have a baby, that involves being in a hospital with an iv and other needles and i cant handle that. plus, i have a low pain tolerance. i would not be able to handle that intense amount of pain. i know that sounds selfish, but i cant help it.

but, on the flipside, i do want to have kids one day. i love babies and kids, hence why i want to go into the childcare program. but i know that right now i would not be able to go through with it. i am actually considering going to therapy for help to overcome this phobia. i talked to mom about it, and she thinks its a great idea and she'd support me all the way.

ive been praying about help for overcoming this, and id like to ask for anyone who is reading this for their prayers too.

:[

2009-10-01T21:34:00.004-05:00

allright this probably isnt the happy cheerful post that people were hoping to see from me next, but im sorry. i only speak the truth.

over the past week or so, i've been falling again. i find myself just wanting to stay home, mainly in my room and not tallk to anyone. i dont feel like my usual happy outgoing self that ive become over the past two years.

now whoever is reading this, mind you, im not crazy depressed or suicidal. i am just feeling blah. very plain, very boring. no need for concern.

i have noticed a few things about myself that i dont like. for example, it used to be that i would much rather prefer to go out and hang with friends, but now i would much rather stay home.

i feel like every day that i go through is another day that i simply have to get through. day after day is becoming more of a struggle. it is a pain to roll out of bed in the morning and i have basically no motivation to do much of anything during the day. i would be content with just sitting at home not doing anything. not going anywhere, no responsibilities. i spend a few hours a day watching daytime talk shows, like maury, jerry springer and steve wilkos because then i get to see other situations in people's lives that are difficult, and it takes my mind off of my own life. then i just sit around, eat dinner later, and head back to my room with my laptop and listen to music and do pointless browsing online. i live a very boring life.

physically i feel different too. i know im gaining weight again, because i just sit around and dont do anything. also, lately, i feel weird in my stomach. not sick or anything, but this feeling of dread and nervousness and anxiety that wont go away. i also feel like i am just walking around trying not to cry. i feel sluggish and i am constantly tired, no matter how many hours of good sleep i get the previous night.

i dont want anyone to worry about me.

no one needs to wory about me or concern themselves with my issues because i dont like being anyone else's burden. i dont like my problems contributing to anybody else's.

on a positive note, i drove around for 4 and a half hours yesterday. i set out on a mission to fill out job applications, and i did fill out a few, but my afternoon turned into a mini road trip. this was the first time iv'e ever done this. i figured out on mapquest that i treked 110 miles yesterday. i drove to cedar grove, then belgium, port washington, saukville, sheboygan, plymouth, elkhart lake, random lake and back home. i didnt have any real direction, i just drove around because i needed time to think. when i drive, i do a lot of thinking. i need to figure my life out, and i need to do it soon. i did some good thinking about what direction my life is heading. i am getting a better and better picture of what i am going to do with myself.

my blog

2009-09-19T16:26:00.003-05:00

ok everyone. i have been going thru some not so good stuff lately. but good news, IT'S ALL BETTER NOW! everyone just needs to stop worrying about me.

i am home now and looking for a job and am considering online schooling. i had a few depressing days last week, but i promise, i'm back to my usual happy self.

i know i shouldve updated this sooner, but i havent really had a chance to. so here i am. this isnt going to be a long post, it's mainly a post to clear things up.

my mom is getting tired of getting emails and calls from people that are concerned about me. and honestly, so am i. i appreciate and understand the concern, but i need to say it once again, everything is fine. i am not hurting myself, i am not suicidal. i am happy!

my mom has asked me to delete my older postings on here, and i cant do that. i am sort of a pack rat, where i feel the need to save everything. i have every email i ever recieved saved into organized folders, even if they are just store newsletters or postmaster delievery failure emails. i still have them all saved. it's the same on here. i cant bring myself to delete old posts. my old posts on here, though they may not all be happy and pleasant, are still a part of me and i shouldnt have to delete anything that explains how i was feeling on a particular day.

i havent lied on here at all, and every single time i made a post i wrote exactly what i was feeling. i was expressing myself. i see nothing wrong with that. i realize that some of the things i wrote are a cause for concern, but i dont necessarily feel ashamed for it or see a need to delete it. it's a part of me.

this blog is my online journal. i understand that journals are usually a private matter, but this is public and anyone that wants to read it can. i am fully aware of this. one of the reasons i have this journal as public is because i tend to write about certain situations or events that occurred that are significant to me, whether they are good or bad. if someone asks me what's up or how i'm doing, or if someone asks me about something that happened, it's much easier to just point them in the direction of my blog. then they can read about it, and ask me further questions if needed. it's kinda a convenience thing.

ive said it before and ill say it again, i am fine now! there is no more need to contact my mother with concerns or anything like that. i am happy and loving life.

my thoughts as of right now

2009-09-10T16:29:00.001-05:00

im probably dehydrated from crying so much in the past few days. im trying to figure out if its better for me to drop out or wait til i flunk out. i am royally screwed. i am a waste of space. there is no purpose for my existance anymore. i wanna go home and never come back and i wanna go to sleep and never wake up. no one gets it. i want out of all this pain, stress, being overwhelmed, tiredness and this life. every minute that i go on is another minute of tears and regret. nobody understands what is going on. me getting out of bed this morning was nothing short of a miracle. i have zero motivation whatsoever. there is no future for me. i am simply a failure. i cant even get thru the first day of classes without starting on the pathway to failure. after one day of classes i am already behind and lost and confused and hopeless. i called my best friend yesterday and he doesnt get it. i instant messaged my mom last night. she doesnt get it. she tells me to stop being stubborn and just go seek out help and talk to the teachers. my love called me before and i told her what's gonig on. she doesnt get it. she just says that she wishes she was here with me and she says that i can get thru this if i just talk to the teachers for help. she says it cant be that hard. i said you just dont get it then i hung up on her. i went back to crying. i havent even left my dorm today except to walk across campus to set up a counseling session. i spent the rest of the day being lifeless. i spent the past 2 hours curled up on my bed crying and dozing off periodically in the dark. i dont want to go anywhere because that means that i will run into people. if i run into people, they will talk to me and that means i will have to say something back. im pretty sure i cant do that without breaking down into tears. i was sitting alone in my room crying yesterday when a picture fell off the wall on my roomates side of the room, and it broke a light thing of hers. there was broken glass all over her dresser top. i took a peice of broken glass and held it in my hand. i didnt use it. i put it in my dresser drawer just in case. i am a failure and i am sick of being a burden to everyone. all i do is get in the way and bother people. i am sick of all the crying and hopelessness. i want it all to go away. i want to go to sleep and never wake up.

my horrible first day of college

2009-09-09T15:45:00.005-05:00

today was the first day of class, and boy was today a slap in the face. i thought i was prepared for this whole college thing, not even close.

my schedule for the semester is as follows:
9-10:05- oral communications (this class is just for the first 7 weeks of the semester)
10:45-11:50- intro to women's studies
1:15-2:20- inquiry studies 101 (this class is required of all freshmen)
2:30-3:35- lit of the old and new testament

all of these classes are on monday, wednesday and friday. i have no tuesday/ thursday classes.

here's how my day went. i wanted to wake up at 7, but jacob started texting me a few minutes after 6, which was fine, i just layed in bed texting him for the next hour, no worries. i got up at 7 and did my usual shower routine, then i ate breakfast in my room, which consisted of a bagel and cream cheese and sunny d. i basically just chilled on the laptop, and at 8:50 i walked over to my first class.

ever since i heard months ago that we had to take oral communications, which is a public speaking class, i began dreading it. i HATE speaking in front of people. when im with friends i usually can just talk and talk, but if it's a formal thing like a group presentation, or worse, a speech, i get sick with nervousness.

if i have to do a speech or talk in front of a group of people that are all supposed to be listening to me, like when i had to read my testimony in front of church for baptism, i FREAK out. i shake, get really hot, i start to feel sick, i sort of hyperventilate and i nearly have a panic attack. even today in that class, we had to write on a notecard our name, major, hometown, class most excited about, class that you're dreading, an interesting fact about ourselves, and someone we think is a good public speaker. then we went around the room randomly and had to stand up and share that info with the class. it was basically whoever wanted to go went, but everyone had to. i was the last person to go, and while everyone was talking, i started freaking out even tho it wasnt even a big deal. when i went it was really obvious that i was nervous. i ended mine with "the class i am dreading the most is this class because i hate public speaking." and the professor said that they can always tell who hates public speaking because they always go last.

we got assignments in that class. we have to listen to an online lecture and take a short quiz on it after, which is also online. we also have to do 2 pages in our workbook.

then i had like a half hour break before my next class, so i went back to my room to grab a snack and lsiten to the online lecture, which was 15 mins long. i hope we werent supposed to take notes or remember a lot from it because i dont remember much of it at all. i then started looking for the quiz and couldnt find it, which raised my level of panic even more.

i walked to my next class, which was intro to women's studies. i wasnt sure what to expect in that class. first we did the usual introductions, then the professor went over the syllabus right away and then told us to get in groups of 5. of course i didnt have a group because it seemed as if i was the only one in there that didnt know anyone. a group let me in, and of course they all knew each other and i sat there not saying anything like an idiot. then the professor started explaining what we have to do for our first project, and then basically said get to work.

i had no idea what was going on and it seemed like everyone else understood, so i didnt want to ask questions. i wouldnt have even known what to ask. my group asked if we could go work somewhere else so we did. my group began talking about all of these ideas and thoughts for our project, and i'd explain on here what we have to do or what our project is, but i have no idea. i just sat there with a confused look on my face not saying anything. i have no idea what's going on. apparently we have to read pages 3-17 in our textbook for friday and then i guess we are gonna have a quiz but she said it'll be super easy.

after that was lunch, and like usual, i ate alone. which is embarassing. but whatever.

then i went back to my room because i had about an hour to kill. i worked on the 2 pages in my workbook for oral communications. well, i worked on them best as i could. almost half of the questions i didnt answer because i dont know how to. i gave up on that and i thought i should read the pages for my women's studies class. i started on that, and i could not focus at all. i had no idea what it was talking about and i tried and tried to focus and make sense of what it was saying, but i couldnt. i tried to keep reading, but i couldnt.

next was my inquiry studies class, which we actually met and had class 3 times in the past week as a part of orientation. today was just the first "official" day of class. we had some general discussion about the wartburg mission statement, which basically addresses 4 things: leadership, service, faith and learning. the wartburg mission statement is to help one achieve and better understand these things or something like that. we broke off into groups of 2 and did a short reading in our book, and then had to discuss it as a class. that went ok, but of course, i didnt understand what we read and everyone else was coming up with all of these smart and deep thoughts and ideas that i am too stupid to come up with.

at the end of class we had to do a freewrite, where we were timed for 5 minutes and had to write about something. it was related to the mission statement. i dont remember what the question was. she told it to us, then said "go." as soon as she said go, everyone else began writing nonstop for the next 5 minutes. i drew a blank. as soon as we were supposed to start, i completely forgot what we were supposed to write about and i switched yet again to panic mode. i had no idea what to write. i stared at my blank peice of paper panicking. i tried REALLY hard not to cry. i thought about writing on the paper about how i never do good in timed writings, and that's if i even write anything down at all.

back in 7th grade was the first time i didnt do anything for a timed writing. i turned in my paper blank. over the past 6 years, there may have been a couple timed writings i actually wrote something down for, but overall, they were blank. i have never been good at writing. that is a bad thing because apparently social work is a writing intensive major, and most of my classes are specified as writing intensive.

i ended up not turning anything in, because i saw no point in turning in a blank peice of paper. once we got dismissed, i nearly ran out of the room and into the bathroom where i had a panic attack. i couldnt breathe and i was shaking and pacing and crying. luckily no one came in the bathroom. i had to pull myself together quickly because my next class was in 10 minutes and i had to walk all the way across campus. i think we have homework in there, i'm honestly not sure. i think that im off to a pretty sucky start because my first grade is a zero. fantastic.

on the walk across campus it got a little weird. i was thinking about how my day basically sucked and i have myself convinced that i cant do this, this whole college thing. all of these thoughts were rushing around in my head. is the first day of class too soon to drop out? should i give it another chance? what would my parents think if they even knew i had these thoughts? is droppnig out worse than failing out? what happens with my loans if either happens? if i cant continue at college, what else can i do? would my parents disown me for being a dropout? i even had the thought of "since i obviously cant handle college, there is no hope for me. in today's world, you need a college education to get anywhere in life, and if i cant do that, then there is no point for me to be here. not just at this college, but in this world because then i would just be taking up space." thought after thought rushed around in my head, nearly making me sick. i felt sick with guilt for even thinking these things.

i got into my next class, and i honeslty have no idea what we did. i know we went over a syllabus and reviewed some stuff on what the class is going to be about, but that's all i remember. now, i was paying attention in all of my classes. i just cant follow. i dont know if we have homework or not. im pretty sure we do but i dont know what it is.

there is no way that i can do 4 more years of this, not to mention that i wanted to go for my master's too. i simply cant do it. i am basically throwing my life away right now. i didnt make any final decisions or anything but i never thought id have these thoughts. i cant handle all this. i simply cant.

the entire time ive been writing this blog entry, ive been sitting here alone in my room in tears. sometimes i just had to take a break from typing to just sob and sob. i dont know what to do. i have only experienced 1 day of college and im already having a breakdown.