I did, I do, I will

I am an Ashdiggah....

2011-11-28T14:48:00.000-05:00

Translation?

ASS DIGGER....

Yep, you read that right. My daughter decided to call me an ass digger last night. And considering how I'm always up in their butts cleaning them, I can't say she doesn't know what she is talking about. The good thing? She at least looked at me lovingly when she said it and gave me a hug with a kiss. How sweet of her to show some appreciation, no?

Disconnected….

2011-11-11T15:08:00.000-05:00

A few months ago my Cell phone died on me, my precious beloved Droid just went and kicked the bucket. This was a sad moment, very sad indeed. Take a moment and breathe in the reality, God knows I’ve done that a lot. I know you understand the feeling, the emptiness and sadness that has engulfed me..... well at least If you live in this century then you most certainly understand me.

After about a week of being phoneless I remembered I had my old blackberry so I happily and excitedly activated it and I’ve been using it for the past 2 months…. I hate it. There was a time (years ago) when no one could say anything bad about the blackberry because I loved it, I mean LOVED it. Now? After slamming it with a smartphone for over 2 years I want to throw it on the floor and jump on it until it becomes powder. Phone calls work, BBM work but Internet or apps or texting? Not so much =(

Me not having my smartphone is affecting my life profoundly. First of all, I cannot blog. Or read blogs. Or stare at my kids on their blogs. I cannot check up on people on Facebook. Or google anything. And on top of all that its making me fat. (Exactly!) My world is colliding from within. The blackberry has Internet… sure, but it takes forever and a day to even open a page up. I have Internet at home… sure, but its in the basement and my time is taken up by two adorable little ones and my TV right upstairs. And I’m sure you are wondering why its making me fat, well, because I cannot get the darn app where I log my food and exercise and stare at people’s before and afters and daydream its me, that’s why. It held me accountable believe it or not, I need it back! NOW! *sniff* The point is my phone is important because I only get to connect myself to the outside world during my lunch break and we are not allowed Internet at work so therefore I’m disconnected and therefore I’m dying.

You may be wondering why on Earth I haven’t gotten a new phone. You are a genius! Just like the kind of phone I want… well, I wondered the same thing. It’s because of Jeff. He has this crazy idea that we should save some money by changing plans, I mean I get it… we shouldn’t pay any extra money for our cells if we don’t have to… but at the same time Jeff shouldn’t want his wife to die because of this, right? Geesh! OK, I’m being just a tinny bitty dramatic here, I know, I know. Whatev! It's just been so long suffering and even though the light at the end of the tunnel is right around the corner I'm getting more and more annoyed by my blackberry. Our plan expires in less than 2 weeks, on the 22^nd… my birthday. And as much as I didn’t want to turn 31 so fast, I cannot wait for the darn day to come so I can have a new phone. I think he just planned it so that I can be forever grateful that he is going to get me what I want the most on my birthday… smart husband actually. I would appreciate it a lot more if I was connected to the outside world though, just saying.

Happy Belated Birthday Jeff!

2011-11-07T23:20:00.000-05:00

Jeff's birthday was last week. And like everything else in my life I take a long time to do something about it, BUT I did wish him a happy birthday on the actual day... though he was upset that I didn't do it at midnight... big baby... anyway I finally cut a cake for him this past Saturday night but the pics are blurry so that sucks.

No worries though I do have other pics to show of the birthday boy (and his wife) on the day in question. I may not have done a party, or buy him a cake but I did take him out for his birthday.. well actually he drove but whatever.. we went to The Plaza in NYC for the evening. He had cake for sure, nice appetizers, ambiance, awesome food, we danced, and had a great time.... Please don't go thinking I'm such a cool wife to take him there.. we would probably go bankrupt if we did, we went to a wedding on his birthday. Jeff's cousin got married that evening (to a model no less) and we took advantage and had a blast at The Plaza for what might be like our one and only time ever. The bride and what seemed like the whole agency were part of the bridal party, tall beautiful skinny chicks, so I did the most natural thing to be done: like any other normal mother of twins that has absolutely no insecurities at all I drank ~~myself in pity~~ to have fun with my birthday husband. Well, because of that and because it was free and because we were free from the kids for the evening and because there was an after party in a lounge and because it was my darling's birthday but mainly because.... you know: why not?

The ceremony took place here:

Bride and Groom

(no names or face pics for privacy issues)

The seven tier cake

Birthday Boy with me

Cake cutting day

The Twins are ONE!!!!

2011-10-16T21:49:00.000-04:00

Last Saturday my babies became toddlers.

They are now walking and "talking" and dancing and clapping and throwing kisses (mostly Noah) and playing peek-a-boo (only Noah) and waving hi and bye and saying "whoa" and "hey" (only Natalia) and loving their parents. This last one I'm throwing in there because I want to, there is no actual proof, but I'm stating it as a fact... because I can.

We had a Monkey theme. As you are about to see:

Awesome monkeys:

Playing with balloons

Noah pinning the tail on the donkey

BULLSEYE!

He is so good =)

(I didn't help him... I swear....)

Natalia pinning the tail but blocked by Daddy :-/

Natty and her Pinata

Noah and his Pinata...but he is knocked out

Doing the limbo!

Cake! Cake! Cake!

And all these monkeys had fun:

My darling niece Zammie and her teddy

The two most handsomest baby boys EVER!

Amar and Noah

My Mom did some awesome tricks and games and had

everyone enjoying themselves. Here she is doing a silly

skit of my monkeys:

The lil peeps joining in the fun

Girl & Boy monkey and other animal cake pops

Cakes and extras:

The kids favor boxes

The big kids favors =)

The invitation

The Thank You card

Living Life Halfway...

2011-09-16T15:33:00.000-04:00

There are some people (mostly young carefree people) who live their lives to the fullest. Not me. Not because I’m not as young anymore (shocker!) but because I quite literally am living my life halfway. Everything I do is in the middle of the opposite of whatever it is that I am doing. For example:

I sleep half awake. I have to pay attention to every turn, moan or fart the babies make at night.
I walk around half asleep. Obviously because I’m sleeping half awake.
I half cook. By half I mean my other half cooks. Jeff gets to do the honor since I usually get home around 8pm with the kids. Mostly, we bake stuff. We bought a slow cooker and if you can guess, well… its half opened.
I half blog. Hey! This one is not a surprise, I blog on the kids page (almost) everyday but not on this one. Kids take priority, even in the in the web world.
I enjoy half a weekend. I usually work on Saturdays so I get Sundays to half clean, half spend the day with the kids and half rest.
I’m half a mother. I hand them over to my sister for 10 hours a day while I’m at work. This one sucks for me even if the kids are in great hands.
I/we, half do food shopping. We’ve hardly spent the time or money on an actual supermarket shopping trip. Instead we food shop for the other two, more important, people in the house: Natalia and Noah.
I half loose baby weight. I lost the weight for one baby… still working on the other one.
I have a muffin top, but reversed. My bottom half has the muffin.. so its a normal half top with a muffing bottom. Sexy.
I'm not as big as I think I am but I'm not as small as I think I am. So perhaps I'm halfway somewhere there. This means my clothes fits funny. My tighter fitting clothes makes me feel too self conscious because of my frontal ass and the bigger clothes fit baggy.. and yet I ~~hide behind it~~ wear it. I am not shopping for other clothing because I will fit in my clothes again and because financially, well, its stupid. (since it will be baggy soon enough) (a girl needs to dream... and not waste $$)
I half eat. Well actually I eat fully I just half chew, since the kids were born I've gotten used to eating very very fast, so fast that I chow down my food in under 5 minutes. Bad, very bad.
But the kids? I love them double. Each one of them. I have at least not divided my love in half for them. Something had to be doubled, right? And what better than my love for my twins? Everything else will have to just suck it up.

They are almost ONE year old!!!

2011-09-12T21:44:00.000-04:00

Where did the time go????
I cannot believe that I am the mother of two 'almost' toddlers, their birthday is coming... and it's coming fast. I'm kind of preparing for it. I'm not sure if I really don't have time from my hectic schedule or if I'm just using it as an excuse so that I can live in denial and enjoy them as babies for as long as I can. Either way, there is no stopping time so I better get on it. For now here are some pics of their very first vacation, and their 10th and 11th month pics.

Myrtle Beach 2011

On August 8th

On September 8th

Was there really a storm???

2011-08-31T21:23:00.000-04:00

Umm, yeah....

For those who said that Irene didn't do any damage... well thank goodness for that. Some people are disappointed, seriously? I couldn't believe people's upset reactions on the news about it not being as strong as predicted. If it was really strong... like really really strong, what do you think would have happened to my car?? It only has a few scratches, yay for that tree not falling fully on it!

My life in bullets...

2011-08-23T16:38:00.001-04:00

Don't panic... not real bullets!
<~~~~ these bullets.
We just came back from our first vacation with the twins.
We went to Myrtle Beach, S.C. and drove down about 14 hours from NY. The kids were good, thank goodness!
This was a much needed vacation, and I'm still off this week.... yay!!!
I'm having panic attacks whenever I think of going back to work. No joking.
I sometimes daydream of offering my liver freely to alcohol. Especially when I think of going back to work, eeek.
Natalia is starting to walk =)
Noah isn't gaining enough weight so we are adding one more doctor to his list. Now he has his pediatrician, his endocrinologist for his CAH, and now a gastro internist along with a nutritionist. I'm not stressed at all, nope not one bit.
This is another reason why alcohol sounds great.
Nope, I'm not really drinking alcohol, I just dream of it. Well, ok... I had some last week. Hey, I was on vacation, if not then, when?
I'm trying my best to workout. Last week was a bust... oops...
My cell phone is broken. I feel really weird and cut off from the outside world.
Yes, I have a home phone but it's not the same.
I really, really, really need to win the lotto. Like NOW.
I'm stressed. I lied about not being stressed before.
But I'm also happy. Kids and Jeff are great, they make me smile. There are just other things in life that suck.
The babies are almost 1 year already!
I felt my very first, and hopefully last, earthquake today. Yikes!
I think I'm done for now. I have pics of the kids 10 months photo session and pics from vacation that I will post later. For now, here are some videos of the kids:

Natalia walking:

Noah not to be left behind:

Feast your eyes!

2011-07-27T07:22:00.000-04:00

For those of you who haven't seen the babies pics, here is a quick catch up.

I have TONS of pics, I do their monthly photo session.... and I apparently haven't posted them on this blog since they turned 3 months so here you go:

At 4 months:

5 Months:

6 Months:

(Welcoming Mommy home!)

7 Months:

8 Months:

9 Months:

Lost and…. Found?

2011-07-21T13:48:00.000-04:00

So if you ever wondered if the story of Alice in wonderland is true, then I’m here to tell you that it is.

I don’t know if you noticed but I haven’t been around here much. And I know what you think. You are sitting there thinking well Shanny, you forgot about us. No guys! I didn’t. I did not forget nor did I get too busy with work and kids. A schedule where you are away from home for 11-12 hours a day and squeezing in whatever time is left to spend with kids, eat, sleep, ~~kinda~~ clean, do lots of laundry is NOT my excuse, nope. I’ll tell you what my excuse is…

I fell in a hole.

And don’t go rolling your eyes, this is a true story. I fell in a hole.

The hole’s name may or may not be “life” but I fell in it and had a hard time getting out. Well OK, I’m still halfway in, but I’m going to try my darndest to still show some blog love. I miss writing, its my outlet, but I also miss my bed so we’ll see which one wins. I do still read your blogs and enjoy looking at your pics but since I fell in a hole I didn’t have enough reception to write comments. Ok, this part is a lie, I haven’t written comments because I follow lots of blogs and if I don’t read and move on then I can’t read all of them… my lunch time is quite short. Yes, I get lunch time in the hole in case you were wondering.

So, how is it that I have time to write this right now? Well because I’m not reading your blogs duh. I’ll probably have to do alternate days: two days I read and comment, one day I write blog posts. How does that work for you? We'll try and see, okay? Okay!

P.S. I already failed at my new system... I wrote this yesterday and didn't post it nor did I read any blogs :-/

Happy First Father's Day Jeff!

2011-06-19T19:15:00.000-04:00

And Happy Father's Day to everyone else!

(Well, only if you are a man... and a dad)

And Happy Father's Day to my Daddy!

Back to Jeff...

I knew when we first talked about kids, many years ago, that you would be a great Dad. I knew that you were meant to be one, and I knew that I wanted to make you one. It took a while, but it happened, and here you are sleepless, restless, stressed, and happier than I've ever seen you. The look in your eyes when you look at Natalia and Noah makes my heart smile. The look in their eyes when they look at you makes ~~me jealous~~ my heart cry tears of joy. I know they are blessed to have you. I know I'm blessed to have you. And I thank God everyday for whatever chain of events that happened to put you in my path because I couldn't imagine taking this ride with anyone else. The person that I am, the mother that I am is thanks to the support, understanding and love that I get from you. The influence you have on the kids makes me so excited to see how amazing the kids will turn out when they grow up, with a father like you... who wouldn't? And me? I am truly honored you chose me to be the mother of your kids. Happy First Father's Day my Love!

Why is Mommy not sleeping?

2011-06-05T13:57:00.001-04:00

The babies?
Sure... its always one of my babies. One of my three babies, I should say.

Yes, the twins wake me up every so often, because they are teething and get fever once in a while. But my other baby? You know, my original baby... the one I married... THAT one is a whole other story. He is such a good Daddy that even while he is sleeping he is in Daddy mode. He stresses about their well being and plays with them. Or so he thinks....

The man wakes me up every single night, at least once. He does not know this, he is fast asleep, but he manages to do one or all, actually any variation you can think of, of the following:

Shakes me violently to go check on babies.... mind you if and when they make a sound, he sleeps right through it.
Burps me.
Or burps one, or both, of my boobs. When it was full of milk, it was not fun. Otherwise, well...
Or, or, OR lifts one of my legs all the way up and starts patting my calf... no one, likes to be woken up that way, no one. And if you are reading this and think you would like that, call a psychologist.
He pushes me out of the way to look for the baby. Whichever one.
Pulls the blanket off of me to hug it.
Talks to "them".... loudly.
Caresses my head..... over and over and over... you get the picture.
Farts. (Ok, this has nothing to do with babies, but it happens)
And my favorite. It happened 2 nights ago: He pulls my pillow away from me (I had just returned from ~~peeing~~ checking on babies) and continues to throw it in the air exactly two times brings it down and kisses it, he threw it again in the air two more times and then kisses it, and again and again. I'm in disbelief staring at him until I wanted my pillow back. I tried to tell him it was just a pillow but he yelled at me and told me he is playing with the baby, I of course, asked which one... he said MY BABY, in a very condescending tone I might add. So I did the most natural thing, I grabbed my cell phone to video tape him, but Jeff being Jeff, stopped and turned right around to give me his back and continued sleeping.

And me? I'm once again awake and tired and confused and laughing my butt off (both butts). And then I get angry. The man never lets me video tape him, he stops right when I start to set up the video. I'm not sure I'm more upset because he wakes me up or because he never lets me tape him. a wife needs something to blackmail their husband with, you know? Not cool Jeff, not cool.

All in all, I'm just glad he hasn't tried to put a diaper on me =)

I'm going to put this out there...

2011-05-26T20:05:00.001-04:00

I'm a fitness buff.

Big fitness buff. Oh yes.

Those of you who know me, you can stop laughing right now. Just because there is no actual evidence that I've ever been a big fitness junkie doesn't mean I'm not. I mean in my mind I am, and that's that. I constantly think about working out. I constantly think about eating very healthy. And I constantly imagine myself in top notch shape. So I figure.... *I think* THEREFORE *I am*.... just not physically. And if there is no such thing as a honorary fitness buff then there should be.

The best I've eaten, ever, is when I was pregnant. Give me gestational diabetes and I'll do the strictest diet on the planet for my babies. For myself? Not so much. And since going back to work its gotten worse. I don't know if it was the pumping and stress or the freedom to eat anything that I wanted but I was sure stuffing my face. I'm not working out because any opportunity I get I choose it to sleep instead. For the first couple of months after returning to work, I swore to myself EVERY SINGLE NIGHT that in the morning I would get up extra early to pump and work out. And even though I should have known better I truly believed that I would, I stopped kidding myself about a month ago. That crap isn't happening...

Now, that I stopped pumping... (exactly a week ago {for real this time}, I gave away my pump... but I still had the manual ones and yes I used them.. so I pumped for 7 months and 8 days exactly and this has nothing to do with my post but whatever)... let me start over... Now that I stopped pumping, I got my first period since before getting pregnant AND I got very bloated AND I didn't like it. It was a reality check for me that it was time to start doing something about the baby weight. The problem is that its hard to find time to workout when I'm already a zombie, and the fact that my baby weight is actually a s load of hanging skin. Sure I have some extra weight but its mostly my frontal ass that's the problem. Now, if you have any advice on how to shrink skin, you are welcomed to enlighten me. No need to tell me to work out, my brain is already doing all the working out you can possibly imagine, I mean, how else does one become a fitness buff like me?

I'm not in any way depressed about having my extra skin, I'm depressed because I can't hide it well enough (even with spanx)... boo! I'm even more sad because I can't push it towards my behind, which is the only place that has any use for it. Bwaaahhhh!

On that note, I know it will be a long while before I see a difference. That's fine. Just as long as when you see me you don't judge me. Like a lady who asked me how far along I was in this pregnancy, I told her I actually recently had twins, and she said: "No, but you are pregnant now!" pointing to my belly. I said no, she said yes. Let me tell you, I've been eating less so I had a very light breakfast and at that moment I was starving because I hadn't eaten lunch yet... she is just lucky I didn't snap her head off and snack on it.

Anyway...
I'm going to work on me and my image (whenever possible). This way, sometime, in the far future my body can prove that I can be more than an honorary fitness buff. And now that I said it on my blog I have to do it, right? Right! Now, let's see what I can actually accomplish.... If you have nothing else to do and would like to encourage me, I would appreciate it =)

Happy Mother's Day!!!!

2011-05-08T21:50:00.001-04:00

To You

And to ME!!!!

And Happy 7 months to the babies!!

A pretty picture! Let me paint you it...

2011-04-28T09:51:00.001-04:00

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, yes? Well, if this is true. Somewhere in the world there must be one or two 99 year old ladies who will find me sexy.

Let me explain:

I had babies, bla, bla, bla, this is old story *yawn* you already know this.
My belly got big and I got two special things along with it (not the twins):
1- stretch marks and
2- a linea negra.
We are still on the same page, right? Ok, let's move on.

Now, NOW, and I mean right this moment, said belly with the help of the linea negra and the stretch marks, has turned into an old man's butt. You read that right, an old wrinkly man's butt. The linea negra is in such way that it appears to be the butt crack and well, you can imagine the rest... let's not even try to figure out what the belly button could be (heehee). I will of course NOT show you a picture because I rather let you think that I'm exaggerating (I'm not). Just know that when you see me and I still look pregnant, the reality of it is that I'm carrying an old man's butt flapping over my lady business. Jeff is one lucky man I tell ya. Obviously, I don't walk around flaunting it.

Is it sad that my old man's butt actually has more cushion than my own butt? If only I could transfer it from my front to the back.... *sigh*

The thing to know is that you must, under all circumstances, keep your grandmothers away from me. They might recognize the shape and then wont be able to keep their hands off me. And nobody wants to beat up an old lady for getting too excited, much less me... or Jeff... for that matter. He does happen to be married to my extra butt. Poor guy.

Needless to say, I'm sexier than you cause I'm the one rocking two butts. That's four a$$ cheeks! What you got to top that? Huh, huh?

How to stop????

2011-04-17T13:17:00.001-04:00

I've been waiting for the kids to hit 6 months so I can start weaning off pumping and to get to spend more time with ~~my bed~~ with the babies. This was my commitment and making it really makes me feel quite accomplished. Go me!! woohoo! yeah, yeah, bla, bla, bla. I know in the "nursing world" this isn't really that long but hey if you multiply 1 baby's 6 month by 2 you get 12 months... right? right! So technically I pumped for 12 months in half the time! How fantastic is that? I'm like supermama! I wanna believe what I wanna believe so don't burst my bubble, thanks much!

I've been going at it even while working full time. They've been awesome at work about it so I've been lucky about keeping it up there. I have had the occasional leakage from not being able to pump on time but that's the only issue I've gotten at work. And now? Now I don't know how to stop. I mean I know I have to not pump as much, etc, etc. but my heart doesn't know how to stop. I can't just not pump, like ever again, cause my boobs will just explode. But I feel like I'm being a bad mommy by stopping. Not that I think anyone is a bad mommy for not giving breast milk, I mean it in the sense that this is the only thing I know as a mom, and because of Noah's weaker immune system. I spent sooo much time getting my milk supply up, like in the beginning I spent 2 weeks straight pumping every 1 1/2 to 2 hours round the clock, and after all that work just to give up now seems wrong in my head. Don't get me wrong I am giving it up. I just can't wrap my head around it, yet.

I'm looking forward to wearing regular bras cause I've been living in my hands free pumping bustiers. So easy to just lift my blouse and pump. I'm looking forward to enjoying a glass of an alcoholic beverage (at this point I'm a little desperate so any will do) it's been over a year and half of none of this, except for beer. I tried beer to see if it would help with the supply a couple of times but I'm not a beer person, (and yes it works, I got an extra 2 ounces) . Another thing that's been over a year and half? My period. I haven't seen that read headed biotch since I started my IVF cycle (except for the bleeding after babies were born but that doesn't count). This I'm not looking forward to, at all. I suppose now that I'm finally a mom I should retire the "biotch" name in reference to my period, right? I'll think about it. She will no longer be breaking my heart every month so I guess I can make nice. Anyway, I'm also looking forward to blogging more. To not walk around with the darn pump everywhere. To not have sore hard as rock boobs. And most importantly to spend even more time with the kiddos.

I was making progress in the weaning off department but then I got sick. I've been sick this whole week, with something very flu-like. Not sure if it was the flu or not cause I did get my flu shot but it was crappy and I didn't like it. So when I had finally started to pump only 5 times a day instead of 8 and producing less because of taking medication, I hit a panic mode and started going crazy with the pump so that I can give the babies the milk and help them avoid getting sick. So now I have to start weaning off again. Those who did it... How does it feel? Is there really a sense of freedom? I'm not sure how long I'll take to wean off but I can't wait. And at the same time I can wait. I'm confused. I know I want to stop. Formula is good stuff and I have a freezer stash, so I'm ok with it, I just don't kow how to make myself stop! Anyway, since I worked hard for my freezer stash, I'm gona show it to you: ta da...

I know it looks a little sad and it's not that impressive but whatever. I worked hard for it and I'm quite proud so I'm going to pat my own back. This is over 400 ounces of frozen milk. Sounds like a lot right? Not so much. For twins this will not last too long. But since I'm still pumping and they are eating solids we shall see how long they'll be getting breast milk for. By the way, giving them the breast milk while sick worked, so far (knock on wood) they are OK. Jeff on the other hand? I got him pretty sick. Sorry honey. Now, that I'm getting better I have to start weaning off again. I want a life without a pump. Wish me luck.

I can't believe this... I'm pregnant!

2011-04-01T08:26:00.004-04:00

I'm shaking right now.
After everything that we've gone through, out of no where, I got a positive.
I've been feeling extra tired lately and saw some signs but since I'm still breastfeeding I didn't really believe it was connected. I had an extra test from when I was trying before... and holy crap, this is insane.

Absolutely insane!

And quite frankly you are insane too if you happened to believe me,.... you fool!
Happy April Fool's Day!

Now it's your turn, go fool somebody =)

In Jeff I trust

2011-03-10T10:32:00.000-05:00

You know how Mommies are awesome and can do it all when it comes to their babies?

Well, Jeff can do it too.

Except pumping. Jeff can't pump. So I'm still better than him, ha!
He is extremely good with the babies. Oh so good. I work some Saturdays and people are usually surprised when I tell them that the babies are home with Jeff. They tend to ask if someone is there helping him. Nope. He takes great care of them all by himself. There are only a few people that I trust watching the babies (because of Noah's medications) and Jeff is at the top of that list. Well he is their Daddy but not all dads are comfortable watching babies so yay for me.

He plays with them a lot. I'm almost sure they have way more fun with him than with anyone else... including me =(... but I give them special mommy's milk (so whatever Jeff). He does try to avoid giving them a bath though. He used to bathe them in the folding chair in the sink but the baby tub makes him nervous. At least that's what he says. I think he just wants to play with them and keep them laughing so they love him more... I'm on to you Jeff so stop plotting against me.

But seriously though? Thank you honey for being so wonderful with them. Natalia loves you. Noah Loves you. And I suppose I love you too.

PS- Bath time is on you next time!

By the way, I've been working on this post for about two weeks now. I completely forgot most of the things I wanted to say but you get the idea: Jeff is a good Daddy =)

I'm still at it...

2011-02-23T17:28:00.000-05:00

I'm still...

1-Working. Even though I'm brain dead they have taken mercy on me and have not fired me for being too distracted thinking about my babies.

2-Feeling guilty. I hate that I have to abandon the kiddos. I know they are in great hands but I can't help feeling very very sad that I have to go to work.

3-Pumping. I have been able to keep up my supply so far. I pump between 28 & 32 onces every day depending on how many pumps I can squeeze in. My drive to & from work is at least 30 minutes so I usually pump while driving home and I get to spend time with the babies before their bed time.

4-Owe you guys pics of the babies. They are almost 5 months and I haven't shared any pics since they turned 3 months. (Not on this blog I mean)

And lastly...

5-I'm sill reading your blogs. I may not have a chance to comment but I'm reading and following you all the same. I do miss giving you guys my very wise and humble opinion though :)

Corporate America: The Mother Robber!

2011-02-07T19:47:00.000-05:00

They took me from my kids today and will continue to do so. Corporate America is EVIL!

*Disclaimer: Dear corporate America I have no real beef with you, my kids do. So please continue to send me paychecks, thank you.

I went back to work today (you already know this because I've been repeating this upcoming event lately) and that's why the world stopped for a second. You felt it didn't you? I know you did. There was a point in time today in which you forgot what you were doing or felt a slight confusion, that was me. That was the impact of me being taken away from my children. Lucky for all involved, I survived, imagine what would have happened with life as we know it if I didn't. Go ahead, you can breathe a sigh of relief. We are all okay, phew!

I had not been working for 7 1/2 months. I had to leave to be on bed rest since my heart was giving out on me (Crazy kids made me love them so much that my heart was on the verge of exploding) and then of course I had time to spend with the babies. I am very lucky and blessed to have been given 4 months to spend with the babies. And that's the thing, I've been on my own with the babies for a long time with not much adult interactions. You would think my co-workers would understand my Noah and Natalia's withdrawal but they didn't. Sure, they know it was hard for me and tried to be supportive but not once did they offer to let me burp them. Not once. The did not do any cooing for me nor did anyone get on their tummy to roll over so I can cheer them on, nope! But they all showed off that they can walk.....big deal, my kids pull themselves up when you hold their hands, ha! I wonder if they'll let me do baby talks to them.. I might try that tomorrow. I girl needs something to get through her day, no?

All in all it was a good first day back.I missed the babies a lot and I may or may not have cried but I survived. Ok, I did cry, one day at a time, right? 50% of the babies were good. Only one child loves me, the other one apparently could care less. Natty cried a bit in the morning and during lunch time. I was actually able to go today to see them during lunch but that was a one time deal. They are replacing the boiler at my job and it would be cold in any of the private areas where I could pump, I'll have to manage tomorrow but today I got a pass =)

Last Day of Mommy Freedom

2011-02-04T18:23:00.002-05:00

I can't believe that I go back to work on Monday. Can't they just pay me to be a happy employee? And by happy employee I mean a happy stay at home Mom. We all know that a happy employee is way more productive than an unhappy one. Even if it means that I'm more productive at home, which doesn't help them BUT it doesn't change the fact that I would be happier and more productive-er*, does it?

I am sad to leave the babies but I'm a little excited to go back. I miss my people, they are pretty special. Obviously they are not as special as my kids but I guess I'll take what I can get, at the very least they wont spit up on me. Me on the other hand? I might spit up on them just for the mere fact that they are taking me away from my babies. Don't worry I wont get fired... I'll fake a stomach bug and say sorry with big innocent eyes. But you and I will know the truth. ::::evil laugh::::

The babies are going to be in the best of hands, my sister is going to watch them for me. Luckily she lives a few blocks from my job so I'll be close enough. Sadly I wont be able to see them for lunch. I only get 30 minutes and I need to use that time to pump and eat. I wonder if I'll cry. I don't feel like crying right now but I did cry 2 weeks ago when I got the return date. I wonder if they'll cry for me. I don't want them to. Well, OK, I kinda want them to shed a little tear just so that I know they love me and want absolutely no one but me, but I don't want them to really really cry. Maybe just a little sad mouth. Is that mean? That I want them to miss me? I just need something to tell me that this is not a one way relationship, ya know?

*Yes, I know this is not a word... yet. Jeff would say this is a new word to add to my collection of Shannyisms. But me? I say this is a perfect example of my point. I've been happy at home and became so productive I made up a new word for all to enjoy: productive-er. No need to thank me for such an awesome addition to the English language just send me a dollar each time you use it and we are even.

Bringing Sexy Back... as a deflated balloon?

2011-01-24T10:18:00.000-05:00

Hmmm.. sexy deflated balloon. That's possible right? Maybe a tiny little bit? No? Okay, so it's not exactly sexy but... perhaps cute in a distorted kind of way? Thankfully I can't actually hear your answers so I'm sticking to yes on this one.

So I had two babies. My body got really really big and that was a wonderful thing. Nobody is saying it wasn't. Nobody regrets any of it in any way. But. A very big but. Time has passed. Kids are out and healthy and happy. But Mommy? She is starting to feel a bit self conscious. And that's expected because it's normal. It does not mean Mommy is not happy. I just want to clear that up from now, I don't want anyone thinking I'm depressed.

I mean, I know I just had twins. You know I just had twins. But strangers in the street? They don't know that and I'm sure they are judging me... meanies! I feel like hanging a sing around my neck clearing things up, I have a few options: 1-"Object in front of you appears fatter than in real life" 2- "I'm not as distorted as I appear, I just had 2 babies", if they are really mean 3- "I just had 2 babies, what's your excuse?", or 4-maybe I'll just hang this picture around my neck to explain the whole thing:

What do you think, will that work? Yeah, I didn't think so. Either way, take a look at the picture again, I still look like that... minus the babies... which means exactly what you are thinking.. they popped me and left all that skin hanging around. Nice huh? Like I said: sexy deflated balloon. Minus the sexy part, so there is no way I'm showing you a pic of my current condition. The upside? My Doc did such a good job with the incision that if you were to see me in a bikini (barf!) and ignore the skin and thousand stretch marks, you would hardly notice the cut. And since that's a lot to ignore I'm not sure my Doc deserve big thanks for the incision, she does however get huge thanks for popping the babies out for me.

So back to this body thing. I go back to work in 2 weeks, I can only fit the "extras" in big pants, so it's fitted on top and lose on the bottom, very weird looking. I don't like it. What are the chances of fixing this in 14 days? Apparently none, like the silly girl that I am, I panicked and decided to start working out. I exercised to a video last week and made my incision bleed. It never quite healed properly because of my hectic mother of twins life but it was better. Until I messes it up again. I need to do something about my body. I know I wasn't skinny to begin with, I was okay-ish waaaay back when, then I started all sorts of treatments to get pregnant and got chubby with all the added hormones. That was no problem though, it had a purpose and I was going to get big anyways, but now that's over and I need to move on.

I got Jeff and my brother to put our BIG treadmill in my bedroom (it used to be in the nursery before the babies) and will attempt to walk/run. Mainly walk since my perfect incision is so sensitive still. Wish me luck. I have little time.. in between taking care of the twins and pumping (and work soon) it means I'm sacrificing sleep time. I almost feel like giving up pumping to tell you the truth, it's exhausting and painful, but at this point I feel like that machine is one of my limbs from being attached to it so much, I wouldn't know how to part ways. That and I still want to continue giving the babies breast milk for as long as I can. So, is it stupid to give up sleep time to work out? Resting is very important these days. Very. But so is fitting into clothes, no? I'm probably just being too hard on myself but I have to start sometime. Let's see what I give up first: Sleep, pumping or working out. If anyone has any advice, I'm ready for them!

I want to blog.....

2011-01-19T17:54:00.001-05:00

So I'm blogging.
I'm not sure what to write about.
Pregnancy and motherhood did/do not give me as much to talk about as infertility.
Actually it/they did/do give me topics but by the time I get to sit down to write, I forget them.

I could write about....
The babies making talking sounds, they love saying "Ugghh eeehh" especially Natalia... she even says "Ugghleey" sometimes. Yup, she's pretty much full of herself calling other people ugly or ugghleey, however you wanna spell it. I could write about how they love to laugh and play. How they sleep at least 5 hours at night, both of them AT THE SAME TIME! Or about how much they love me and their daddy and their grandparents and their aunts & uncles. But then that's pretty much it on that topic. It's two babies, but they are very good babies. I lucked out. The end.

I could write about...
Me being able squeeze in some chores last week while I was all alone with the babies. I had time to do all the dishes, the laundry, vacuum and cook. That was the first for each one, however it wasn't as easy as it sounds. The dishes? I (still) get to do them around 3 am. The laundry? It took me 4 days to fold.. and I still haven't put them away. Vacuuming? I only did the rug in the living room because that's where we keep the babie's boppies. The cooking? That was only one night. I have a BUT for each one, but its progress. The negative of all that time? I realized I hadn't had a chance to even brush my teeth until Jeff got home. It's no wonder I had the time, my breath must have knocked the kids out. Don't judge, it's not nice! Oh, let me clear up that these things get done often but never when I'm all alone. Don't want you thinking it was the first time ever since the kids were born, now that would make me even judge myself.

I could write about...
Going back to work. I must return on February 7th, the day before they turn 4 months old. And while I know that I've been lucky to have had all this time with them I can't stop being sad about it. I keep asking "Why me? Why me?" but haven't received an answer so far. I'm not sure who is supposed to answer but I don't like that I have none. It is what it is. I guess I'll go back. Whatever. The topic is depressing so I'll jump to another one...

I could write about...
Another depressing topic: my body.
Actually this one deserves its own post so I'll just skip right along.

I could write about...
My embabies. My other kids. I don't care what you say, in my mind even though they are only embryos, I think of them as my babies. That's where Natalia and Noah came from, so how wrong can I be? We've decided to give them up. I cried about this but its the best decision for us. We are done with having kids. I even had a tubal ligation. And you may frown now but we are giving them up for research. If other's hadn't done the same thing in the past I probably wouldn't have Natalia and Noah. Knowing this still doesn't help the heaviness in my chest, but I don't regret it. There is a major reason why I'm done having kids, I love them and sure at one point I thought "you never know I might change my mind in the future" but now I know that I wont. Noah's condition is the reason. It's genetic. There is no way I'll put another kid through the same chances of having it, especially not if its a girl (She can be born with boy/girl parts and be masculine, etc) I love Noah and I feel guilty everyday for being the reason of him having CAH. I'm taking care of him but I don't want him to have another sibling with the same condition. So we are done.

Or I could actually write about all of the above, like I just did. Even if it took about 7 hours to write.. now the question is... if I had the time to write this... did I brush my teeth yet? I'll let you wonder..

(Okay, no I wont let you wonder, I don't want you thinking bad about me. Yes, I did brush... at about 4 hours in of writing this post)

3 Month pics!

2011-01-11T14:09:00.002-05:00

Here are some pics of the babies taken this past Saturday when they turned 3 months.

Time is flying by way too fast.

You may notice that I used a basket once again, but what else am I supposed to do with all the gift baskets I received? They weren't just for the gifts, were they? Well, even if they were, I found a way to give them dual purposes. In these pics the babies are sick with a cold (their fever was gone already, phew!) and just in case you care I'll let you know that Jeff and I are now sick too. Well we are starting to get better now but feel free to still feel bad for us, it's not all about the babies you know. Anyway, I'll shut up now.... technically stop writing... whatever.. bye!

Basket: gift

Blanket: crocheted by my sister-in-law Zaira

Babies: Made by me... and Jeff... and the RE...

Natalia practicing for when the paparazzi is out to get her!

Mr. Cheeks

Miss Legs

We are twins so we pose like twins!

Can someone get her off me? Please?

Used Paranoia Give Away

2011-01-07T13:25:00.000-05:00

All you have to do is grab one from the list, its free.

I have become a paranoid mother. Well I think I've been one since the babies were born but I've gradually increased it to a point that I have too much and I decided to have a garage sale, except without the garage and the sale part, I'm just giving it away for free. They are used but in good condition so if you want one, take it, if you don't want it... take it anyway.

I keep thinking of a thousand different ways in which I can trip when carrying my baby. And the other one too. It doesn't matter which baby, they are pretty much interchangeable when it comes to this. I keep imagining that I'm tripping on the edge of a rug, a shoe, a peck of dust (oh trust me, I really think it can happen), trip on my pants... even if I'm wearing shorts... or no pants at all (don't get frisky, this only means I'm wearing a dress or skirt), or slip from the meltdown of a single snow flurry that miraculously got in the house through some tiny hole. You get the point, I'm bound to trip but since I still have to save the day, I then picture myself throwing the baby (whichever one) in the air, falling on my ass and catching that baby right on time, like the awesome mother that I am. And then I smile to myself. But, after a second of self satisfaction, the image in my head changes to me throwing that baby in the air, causing him or her to hit their head on the corner of a table (even though they are no where close to one) and me falling on the other baby and crushing that one, not such an awesome mother after all.

If that wasn't bad enough, I'm also paranoid of things falling on them. I imagine their name blocks falling on their heads when they are sleeping.... the shelves holding the name blocks are pretty far away... but somehow I think, hey! I'm in the room right next door a.k.a. computer room a.k.a. Noah's future room and I trip (yes the tripping thing is at the top of my list) and hit/push the wall and cause the blocks to fall on their heads anyway. It's not only blocks that can fall on them either. The TV can fall on them. The sofa can fall on them. The stove can make its way from the kitchen to fall on them. Heck, they just have some kind of gravitational pull that will make everything and anything to fall on them, but then, like the awesome mother that I am, I also picture myself throwing myself on top of them so that nothing hits them. Except of course, I end up crushing them and the awesome mother title goes right out the window once again.

They can get hurt when I'm giving them their baths. They can choke on the powder when I'm applying a single grain on them. Or something with the lotion that I dare put on their bodies, cause I don't know what but I'm sure the lotion can backfire somehow. I can cut their circulation by putting their diapers on too tightly. They can breathe in bad air, either because the air purifier isn't working good enough or because someone farted. Probably Jeff, not me, I'm a lady.

Or they can simply be nice and healthy with absolutely nothing happening to them, but lets be realistic here, what are the chances of that happening?