I Don't Believe In True Stories

Caterpillar Boy from Flignordle #7

2011-07-09T19:40:00.001-05:00

On the fifth day of the third month of his last year on the moon, Fluvio Nortnoodle fell ill with the space measles. Venta Elorba rushed to his side. Wise van het Hol feared for the worst. But fortunately, the Caterpillar Boy from Flignordle #7 crawled out of a crater and gave him some vitamin C.

Thistle and the Bear

2011-06-18T00:34:00.001-05:00

Thistle and the Bear
dirt and spit on rock
c. 3072-3089

When the bronze statue of Venta Elorba broke Fluvio's heart, he went into hiding for 17 years in the deep future, in which time he produced only a single piece of art, Thistle and the Bear. And while this does not seem like an entirely impressive feat, particularly when one looks at the piece, it is important to note the context in which he did it: isolated in complete darkness without canvas, paint, brushes, or a functioning heart.

The Striped Serpent Boy of Mellory Felled By This Rock

2010-07-15T09:25:00.000-05:00

The Striped Serpent Boy of Mellory Felled By This Rock
innards on a rock
c.1645

Shortly after hallucinating The Striped Serpent Boy of Mellory slithering about his feet in a manner that Fluvio Nortnoodle interpreted as a "thoughtful sort of malignance", according to his diary he picked up the nearest rock and with a furious judiciousness smashed it down on top of him in a perfunctory life-ending sentence.

Fluvio would later admit that the resultant impression on the rock was one of his better works.

Intragalactic Time-Jumping Us-Aliens See Sea Art

2010-02-05T21:37:00.004-06:00

In 1985, a peculiar piece of artwork washed up on the sand near Den Fagerty, Holland. Scientific investigation confirmed that it was constructed of octopus ink on some sort of animal skin. Further computer analysis of stroke and technique suggested a 99.9% statistical similarity to other works by Fluvio Nortnoodle which had many art historians, including Stan Van Wanverdle, the foremost expert on Fluvio Nortnoodle, insisting it must be attributed to him. But in early 1986, carbon dating suggested that it was likely no more than 50 years old which set off a firestorm of controversy which has yet to be settled. Some have suggested that perhaps Fluvio finally succeeded in finding the fabled Octopus Box which was purported to have magical time traveling powers. Unfortunately, further scientific inquiry was abruptly halted in 1988 when the controversial artwork mysteriously disappeared along with a half eaten chicken sandwich and $312.

Wise van het Hol Battles the Fabled Pentapus Off Den Warden

2009-04-28T14:00:00.003-05:00

Wise van het Hol Battles the Fabled Pentapus off Den Warden

seaweed pigments on vellum

c.1619

"The gaping maw of the beast leaked its slathering fangs into the hazy day," Fluvio wrote in his diary, "Brave men crumbled to their knees at the sight. But my imaginary friend, Wise van het Hol leaped into the roiling monstrosity with a feverish courage. Unarmed and alone, he jostled with the beast. So I drew furiously and with haste."

The pentapus, the legendary five-armed octopus off Den Warden, killer of men, sinker of ships, with a predilection for the taste of babies, was the most fearsome beast on the north coast. It was Wise van het Hol who, on a morning like molasses, suggested a plot for conjuring the beast forth. Baiting the creature with his own form, Wise beautifully illustrated the conundrum of life, the contradiction of human terms. Courageous, valiant, and something far greater than daft, Wise fought for his life while Fluvio quickly, with maddening strokes that threatened to upend him painted until at last they both fell exhausted onto the beach, Fluvio with his masterpiece, Wise with his life and what would turn out to be a nice supper.

2008-11-25T17:42:00.004-06:00

Lord q Dines On The Worm of Tomorrow

2008-09-08T10:58:00.007-05:00

Lord q Dines On The Worm of Tomorrow

opalescent shell ink on seaweed paper

c. 1625

While at the Asylum, Fluvio met many interesting people. One whom Fluvio made the object of many of his drawings was Lord q. After having only been at the Asylum for a day and a half, Lord q told Fluvio that he was from the mountain village of Prekarus, in the land of Uttoh where he was a mighty king. He explained that it was a magical land with many great and amazing things, but that he had been kidnapped by the greedy Bizonauts and imprisoned here. Among the great and amazing things in the land of Uttoh was the worm of tomorrow, the worm from which all tomorrows and days after tomorrow spring. The Bizonauts had hoped to bottle the worm and sell it to the highest bidder. Lord q told how he had been entrusted with protecting the worm when the Unpredictable Vanderboot suddenly grew tired of doing so and hid it in a hollow tree and then sent Lord q a letter explaining where he could find it and a half eaten lump fruit. When Fluvio asked if the Bizonauts had found the worm, Lord q just grinned and rubbed his belly.

The Monster That Murdered Morton McFingley

2008-08-31T17:24:00.004-05:00

The Monster That Murdered Morton McFingley

childhood memories on canvas

c. 1625

At the age of 12, Fluvio Nortnoodle was already an established artist and had terrorized most of the people around him. So in December of 1625, he was sent to live in the St. Avians Asylum For The Psychologically Troubled. The first drawing he made there - which he finished within 15 minutes of arriving - he called The Monster That Murdered Morton McFingley. It made such an impact on the residents there that the real Morton McFingley never again tried to intimidate anyone. Sadly, Morton passed away when he ran headlong through the giant stained glass window at the end of the main corridor of the fourth floor when he awoke in the middle of the night to find the same image had been tattooed on his forearm.

Wise Van Het Hol once said about it, "At 12, my childhood was still wet ink."

"Dry ink is just really fast wet ink," Fluvio said.

Searching For Daylight At Noon On A Wednesday

2008-08-13T10:45:00.000-05:00

Searching For Daylight At Noon On A Wednesday

squid ink and fish eggs on seaweed paper

c. 1617

Even in his earliest works, Fluvio was prone to wild imaginings. Inspired by the strange and wonderful creatures he would sometimes find washed up on the shore, he sometimes concocted "creatures that could have been or may yet be". In this example, the creature is aided by a "magical light candle" in his quest to find daylight. Fluvio once said about this particular work, "I really hope he finds it".

LuLu Gently Wafting Over Liechtenstein

2008-08-08T16:06:00.000-05:00

LuLu Gently Wafting Over Liechtenstein

exotic squid ink on seaweed paper

c. 1619

Fluvio spent much of his time away from painting talking with his imaginary friend Wise van het Hol, but he talked with other imaginary friends as well. The one, aside from Wise, that captured his attention most was LuLu Snark, whom Fluvio claimed was "a girl from the future chatting through her magical abacus". He explained that after chatting with her for the first time his mind was alight with thoughts of things from the future. "Magical abacuses will run the world!" he exclaimed. He would later remark when pressed about this particular painting "For the sake of all, be quiet!!! Can't you see she's hunting honeybees?"

The Trunkless Trees

2008-08-04T21:55:00.000-05:00

In December of 1677, Fluvio Nortnoodle was still on the southern shore wandering aimlessly, desperately trying to find The Octopus Box, the mythical box from which he believed "all the little bastards were crawling out of", when an unprecedented winter tempest came blowing up out of the southern sea. Fluvio retreated inland for three days straight with no sleep or rest, constantly being pummeled by the fierce wind and a barrage of sleet and snow. When the weather finally abated, Fluvio collapsed exhausted in the snow. When he finally woke again, it was late in the afternoon and he stood to the most incredible sight. He was standing in the middle of the last trunkless tree forest. Everywhere around him was a canopy of evergreen foliage, but nowhere did it reach the ground. He would tell his friend and contemporary, Wise van het Hol later, that "trunkless trees are a thing of the present and the past, not the future." When Wise pushed him to explain, he just guffawed and said incredulously "do you really think there is anyone from the future who will be able to figure out how to plant the seeds in the air?" Fluvio would spend the next 22 years perfecting the art of making paper from the trunkless trees. He would eventually paint his masterpiece I Don't Believe In True Stories (1699) using only The One True Color on trunkless tree paper.

In 1907, a five year old by the name of Ansel Adams snapped the picture (above left) of the last trunkless tree. He would later go on to a prolific career in outdoor photography.

Whispers of a Star-Filled Cave

2008-08-01T18:41:00.000-05:00

Whispers of a Star-Filled Cave

Ink Wash on Seaweed paper

c. 1619

By the age of 6, Fluvio had begun to believe that his illusory visions were far more important than the ability of his eyes to see in a realistic manner. While at the beach one day, he witnessed Wise van het Hol being pulled away from shore in the jaws of an angry whale. Fluvio would later say, "watching my friend Wise thrash and scream in the surf while dozens of beach goers paid no mind was the singular defining trauma of my childhood." The fact that Wise was wholly imaginary only served to sever whatever remained of Fluvio's attachment to the masses. "It was the sudden realization that they are not entitled to such greatness." When Wise reappeared the next day seemingly no worse for wear, it concreted in Fluvio's mind the superiority of the illusory world over mundane reality. "No one in the real world could have survived the sea-borne viciousness in that angry whale's eye", Fluvio would reminisce. "Whispers of a Star-Filled Cave was one of the images that flowed out of me when I realized all things are possible in a world of my own making".

Girl With A Vermoose Hotnoose

2008-07-30T16:42:00.000-05:00

Girl With A Vermoose Hotnoose

various condiments on dinner napkin

c. 1619

Fluvio's experimentation with a full array of natural colors was restricted to his time before the asylum. Without any formal training, he often drew or painted with whatever he could find to "actualize his imaginings". In Girl With A Vermoose Hotnoose (1619), this is very apparent. Composed at dinner at the famous le Franc et Tîge, Fluvio spied a beautiful young girl and was compelled to quickly sketch her using what was available to him - in the "immediacy of life" he would say - in this case he painted her using various condiments on a dinner napkin.

Careless Seagull Tempting

2008-07-26T00:11:00.000-05:00

Careless Seagull Tempting

Watercolor

by Wise van het Hol

c. 1631

If any of Fluvio Nortnoodle's contemporaries had any influence on him in any meaningful way, it was Wise van het Hol, the post-rationalist seer who remarked "I choose to paint only in detailed shades of white because I think abstractly in infinite colors." Many art historians have suggested that without his influence, Fluvio might never have begun his quest for The One True Color. Growing up in St. Avian together, Wise was often present as Fluvio experimented with the colors of nature and he regularly painted the seagulls that were careless enough to wander too close to Fluvio. Careless Seagull Tempting is a typical example of this and Wise often painted the birds in flight with a matching upside down reflection for its symbolic significance. Fluvio enjoyed his company for the most part, although their relationship was definitely stormy at times, and his growth as an artist benefitted greatly from their interaction and long discussions. The fact that Wise van het Hol was wholly imaginary and that only Fluvio could see or communicate with him only bolstered Fluvio's sense of entitlement.

The Octopus Box #171

2008-07-22T16:46:00.000-05:00

The Octopus Box #171

seagull blood, squid ink, and chalk on cliff face

c. 1631

When compared to Little Bastard Escaping (1675) (see picture below), The Octopus Box #171 (1631) (left) makes it easy to see how Fluvio's use of color progressed in an ever-decreasing capacity toward his stated goal of eventually using only The One True Color. It is also easy to see how some elements remained a constant theme, barely changed over a 44 year span. Unfortunately for Fluvio, the Duchess of Florgnord was fond of seagulls and had him committed to the St. Avian Asylum for the Psychologically Troubled where he would while away 21 of his better years.

Little Bastard Escaping

2008-07-22T15:39:00.000-05:00

Little Bastard Escaping

squid ink on pressed and dried seaweed

c. 1675

Fluvio experimented with different mediums throughout his life, never spending long with one ink or paint or surface on which to mark, but he continually returned again and again to one: squid ink. As a small boy in St. Avian one summer, while diving for tongue stones in an unexplored undersea cavern, he came unexpectedly into close proximity with a large squid which quickly doused him with a thick cloud of ink. Fluvio was fascinated by this and afterward often pulled squid out of the water to create "...an impermanent beach art to leave the heavens wanting." During his time wandering the southern shore, he often revisited this practice, perfecting his manipulation of the squid to produce surprisingly detailed works. Many have noted his peculiar affinity for squid and their ink, while maintaining an extreme prejudice toward octopi. Some have suggested this is probably due to another childhood event with darkly dissimilar results, though it is important to note this is mere speculation. What is certain is Fluvio's pursuit of the perfect color. He once commented that "...when I saw squid ink, I knew it was just a matter of time..." Eventually he singled out one species, the rare onvatbaar squid, from which he would extract all of his squid ink thereafter. When questioned about this choice in a letter from his brother, Fluvio responded "I have finally found the bright black color I have been searching for. It is like staring into the heart of the sun through a wall at midnight. The One True Color can not be far behind."

The Color of Dark

2008-07-22T14:06:00.000-05:00

excerpted from

I DON'T BELIEVE IN TRUE STORIES

the diary of Fluvio Nortnoodle

Oct. 13, 1679

START + DAY

7:11 a.m.

I dreamt of being awake and woke up in a fog.

TRUE + COLOR

11:03 a.m.

Anyone who cares searches for The One True Color. A monochromatic palette leaves one wanting in the opposite direction than one thinks. Solochromacy is the goal.

OCTOPUS + BOX

1:17 p.m.

Saw an octopus sneering at me again. I have grown weary of searching.

PAINT + CANVAS

2:51 p.m.

The discovery of Dark White brings me closer.

The Octopus Box #413, sketch on wooden table

2008-07-20T22:19:00.001-05:00

The Octopus Box #413

charcoal, chalk and paper sketch on wooden table

c.1677

Fluvio Nortnoodle's endless obsession with finding the Octopus Box, the mythical container from which he believed "all the little bastards were crawling out of...", led him to wander aimless for years on the southern shore in vain. At Sanddog's, a small cafe in Flender he created this sketch on a table while waiting on a cod filét. It is important to notice the ghostly specter rising above the escaping crowd. This has generally been accepted to be the ghost of his dream of ever finding a real octopus box, though he would continue searching for three more years before finally returning to Guilden and his lifelong love, Vespa.

Lady Without Matching Purse and Shoes

2008-07-20T20:28:00.000-05:00

Lady Without Matching Purse and Shoes

oil graffiti on bathroom wall

c. 1647

Fluvio's output of work while at the St. Avian Asylum for the Psychologically Troubled was truly prodigious. During his 7,821 day stay he managed to produce 7,355 detailed finished works, 13,723 sketches, drawings, and doodles, along with 595 incomplete and abandoned paintings, plus 13 crude unconsented tattoos. While Fluvio's work became increasingly sophisticated at S.A.A.P.T., he never lost the crude and ruthless approach that really set him apart from the established art community. Lady Without Matching Purse and Shoes, however, represents a tangential departure for him, although there are elements of it that would resurface later in his greatest masterpiece of all, I Don't Believe In True Stories. Conceived beneath a urinal in a flood of tears, along with Lady Without Matching Purse and Shoes II and III, the accompanying involuntary tattoos in the series, it represents the moment at which he found himself released from earthily bonds. He emerged from the bathroom incident in a euphoric state and when he found Henrick von Schleck, and later Svetlana Ivanivic, tethered in containment jackets and drugged, in a fit of beneficence he gifted them with equally impressive works. But rather than having an emotional breakdown and the risk of cliché, he transcended his environment and instead, within the confines of an asylum, had the audacity to have an emotional breakup. Many historians point to this event as the seminal moment which galvanized his commitment to his eventual jailbreak three months later.

I Woke Up Too Far

2008-07-20T14:29:00.000-05:00

excerpted from

I DON'T BELIEVE IN TRUE STORIES

the diary of Fluvio Nortnoodle

Jan. 22, 1681

START + DAY

6:09 a.m.

I woke up too far.

APPRENTICESHIPS + KNOWLEDGE

9:43 a.m.

I paint with overhanded strokes in a very underhanded kind of way; gently forcing the entirety of the uncooperative universe into the prison of my canvas, making it much easier for me to lord over.

DREAMS + EXPERIMENTATION

2:21 p.m.

Today I taught myself to fly. Tomorrow I shall attempt to do so in directions other than down.

PAINT + CANVAS

10:19 p.m.

The One True Color can only be seen clearly in the dark.