My head hurts, my feet stink and I don't love Jebus

Mmmm, minty mints

2011-05-24T18:17:00.002+12:00

Mints. I love mints.

But why are they so addictive? One is never enough. Must have more.

It doesn't matter if they're Pascal's Curiously Strong mints, Eclipse Blackcurrant Mints or even Minties.

And why do they make me sneeze? And, worse than that, why on earth do they give me wind?

Yet despite all the downsides I can't help buying and eating more of them.

They're obviously more addictive than crack and cigarettes combined.

Sorry - I just had to put it out there...

'Borrowing' from Kevin Smith and Jimmy Buffett

2011-05-24T18:12:00.002+12:00

I'm intrigued with the idea behind what will be director Kevin Smith's final film, 'Hit Somebody'.

It's based on the Warren Zevon song of the same name, which was written by author and journalist Mitch Albom.

It takes the characters in the song and puts a backstory in and fleshes it out.

I really like that idea and so while I'm gutted one of my favourite directors won't be doing any more movies I've decided to nick his idea.

So for my screenplay - which I swore to write this year - I'm going to take a Jimmy Buffett song and push it further than it's ever been before.

I'm currently working my way through Buffett's back catalogue looking for that flash of inspiration.

At the moment I'm obsessed with the song 'We Are The People (Our Parents Warned Us About)' which is on repeat in my car at the moment. It's taken over from 'Growing Older But Not Up' as my favourite song at the moment.

It contains the lines:

Seems everybody's joggin' or heavy into health shit
Don't tell me that I ought to get rolfed
'Cause I love cajun martinis and playin' afternoon golf...

It's not enough to sustain a film, hence I'm going to have to look further - but I can see a Buffett/Carl Hiaasen inspired character, sitting in a golf cart, overweight, badly dressed, opinionated and swigging alcohol before taking a shot.

Now I need to find out where I'm going to use my new character. I'm leaning towards the feeling of 'Tin Cup Chalice' at the moment but I'm sure that will change...

Give us access to Netflix!

2011-05-23T18:26:00.002+12:00

I'm what you would call an adventurous user of the internet. I've been known to download a movie or two in my time although it's fair to say my days of bit-torrenting films is over.

That's for a simple reason - I find most of the pap passed off as movies these days to be boring and uninteresting.

There are a few films recently which I've enjoyed (including Source Code and Soul Kitchen) - but they tend to be less mainstream and more 'indie' for want of a better word.

But what's pissing me off is how far we are behind in New Zealand compared to the rest of the world.

While our government implements a law to cut off downloaders from the internet other countries are providing citizens with options which will stop them from breaking copyright law.

I recently purchased a VPN connection for 12 months. It cost me US$60 and it gives me unlimited connections to VPNs situated all around the world - meaning I can get a US or UK IP address when I want.

Not only does this mean I could download with impunity (if I wanted, which I don't) it also gets me access to services in those other countries.

Now I can listen to football on the radio, watch the highlights of the Rangers games and access the odd show through the BBC iPlayer.

I can also stream audio from Spotify if I want.

In the US, though, I've found the killer service. For just US$8 per month you get access to Netflix - and access to their online catalogue.

You can watch thousands of films and television shows instantly and the service is just fantastic.

I always doubted people who said they would happily pay for a service instead of bit-torrenting - but having used Netflix I can say I would happily pay a flat fee if this were an option.

We shouldn't be forced to jump through hoops in this day and age. The internet brings down borders and attempts to create borders are destined for failure and a hangover from how the world used to be.

Give me access to Netflix in New Zealand for $25 per month and I'd be glad to pay.

Unfortunately I'll be an old man before that's going to happen. In the meantime thousands of New Zealand users will download movies and television shows because they simply aren't catered for in this country.

I suck. Bad...

2011-05-23T18:05:00.018+12:00

Yeah, so I suck.

I pretty much published my list of things I wanted to achieve in the next calendar year in an attempt to shame myself into doing something with my life.

I figured when your day consists of getting up, watching telly, going to work, reading and going to bed something has to change.

And things went fine for a week then I forgot to blog one night and fuck it, it was over before I had barely started.

So it's now May 23rd and by my calculation I'm 44 days behind in my blog per day - which means I'm going to have to do two per day for quite a while to make up for my tardiness.

This blog (and reaffirmation of my goals) has coincided with my decision to actually take a break at work rather than doing my normal schtick and working through every break.

I'm still not convinced I can get everything done in time if I actually take the break, but damn it, I've earned it. So I'll be using this time every day to blog.

So a quick update on where I am with my list:

There's been zero weight-loss to date meaning it's going to be even tougher than before. Last time it was Green Day's 'Bullet In A Bible' which kept me going.

This year I think I've finally found what I'm going to listen to whilst exercising - it's Kevin Smith's new radio station, SIR (Smodcast Internet Radio).

I'm a massive Kevin Smith fan and I admire his decision to quit making movies and do what he wants to do. Thankfully there are at least four new hours of audio every day so I have plenty of new content.

The rest of the stuff is pretty stagnant too - although I do have a program on the Mac to help me learn Spanish. That would involve actually opening it though...

What a week...

2011-04-08T18:21:00.002+12:00

It's been a hell of a week at work but it's ending on a high note.

I'm down in Hamilton for the Y!X Northern Knights awards night and looking forward to a beer or two.

But like the idiot I am I left my mentalness medication at home so I'll be taking it a little easy.

I've had just about every kind of medication - from those that didn't work, to those which knocked me out and to those with withdrawal symptoms worse than depression and mania.

Guess which ones I'm on at the minute...

Still I'm back home tomorrow morning so I'll get another dose before things get too bad.

And I need to be on top form tomorrow - our fantastic neighbours are all coming around for a barbecue and I'm cooking (of course).

Right, off to see if I can get my picture taken with some Black Caps!

The stupid, it burns

2011-04-07T21:30:00.003+12:00

I'm a bit of a politics geek, which stems from growing up as a Scottish Nationalist (not related in any way to the British Nationalists who are racist scumbags) and my time as a student politician.

It was a fantastic time in the National Union of Students (NUS) but I found I wasn't able to toe the party line so a career in politics was never likely.

And I kind of drifted away from it for a while - until George W Bush became president of the US and his fuckwittedness reignited my passion.

Thankfully those days are past and Barack Obama is in the White House and ready to fight for a second term.

I have problems with Obama - he's really taken the political left for granted and hasn't fought as hard as I would have liked to close Guantanamo Bay amongst other things.

But the alternatives from the Republican side are just a joke.

While Obama might not be the most popular of POTUS's (to be fair, he has had to deal with a massive deficit which wasn't all his fault) but he'll win a second term if the likes of Donald Trump, Michele Bachmann or Sarah Palin are running against him.

They're just not credible candidates and while Trump seems to be moving further to the right with his Birther nonsense, the other two are so far right of the norm it's just not funny.

Part of the problem with Bachmann and Palin is their gender. No, not in that way. I can't wait for the day when a female takes the oath of office and becomes President.

The danger is any attack on them can be seen as sexist - and they're already using that line on people who criticise them.

Sure, there may be the odd knuckle-drugging neanderthal who thinks no woman is good enough to become President. Thankfully they'll die off.

But people should be able to criticise these potential candidates vociferously without fearing being called misogynistic.

After all, they are bat-shit crazy who make up facts to suit their agenda. Really. Just do a quick internet seach.

And I'm not attacking them because they are women.

I'm criticsing them because their politics are for the good of themselves and the religious right only and either of them being elected would be a disaster for the US and the world.

And I can't wait for Obama to debate them should they firm up their Presidential plans. The stupid, it burns!

Television rocks

2011-04-06T21:21:00.002+12:00

In the last decade movies went from being my primary source of entertainment to second behind television.

That's because shows like ' The Sopranos', 'Breaking Bad' and 'Mad Men' have surpassed - in terms if originality and storylines - virtually anything Hollywood has produced.

Thank god for independent films and subtitles.

But all this was a long way to say I've been watching television again. This time it was 'The Almighty Johnsons'.

There is something quintessentially Kiwi about it that makes it a treat to watch.

The story is original and in Olaf it has my favourite character in years.

Unfortunately next week's episode is the last of the series. Hopefully it will get renewed.

Yeah, that means I wrote shag all again today. Hmmm.

Yawn...

2011-04-05T22:55:00.002+12:00

These 10pm shifts are killing me, particularly when I don't finish until almost 11pm.

And now I'm watching the Taupo Ironman on television when I should be going to bed.

All I can think about is how many hours of training it would need to turn a 140kg fat bastard to an ironman.

The answer is 'a fuckload'. But the thought does appeal. But I need to take small steps first.

And I need to avoid those other small steps to the pantry and the biscuit tin...

Maybe that will be on next year's list!

In which I make life difficult for myself

2011-04-04T19:55:00.001+12:00

I tried to work out what was bothering me so much about my 'script' (all four pages of it) and where I wanted it to go.

And then I realised it was just a cliche. Yes, a bromance cliche rather than a romance cliche but it still ended up with the friends falling out and then getting back together again.

Now I didn't specify I wanted to write a good script, but if I just wanted to write any old shit I could just channel my internal M Night Shyamalan (Unbreakable aside).

So I've decided to ditch it and start again, with me staying a bit closer to my passion - Jimmy Buffett and being a bit different.

I may not do the 100 pages during Script Frenzy but my goal was to write a script before 1st April next year, not 1st May this year so I'm not fussed about that.

So after 10pm tonight I'll be opening Scrivener and starting again and hoping it translates from my messed up brain to the page...

In order to achieve my goal I will immerse myself in all things Buffett - although that's not exactly difficult. A few songs every day, 'A Pirate Looks at 50' and 'Where is Joe Merchant' beside my bed and a Hawaiian shirt and I'll have 100 pages in no time.

And with that done, it's back to work...

As a wise man once sang...

2011-04-03T22:32:00.001+12:00

I'm growing older, but not up

My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck

Let the winds of time blow over my head

I'd rather die while I'm living than live while I'm dead.

Jimmy Buffett

After a weekend of gardening, kids running all over the place, tiredness and incredible swearosity from my youngest courtesy of chalk on the drive-way and his ability to write bad words and not much else it's almost time to pack it in.

I'm on late shifts this week which gives me an hour off to do some writing and I'm hoping I'll get a wee bit of time in the morning before work depending on how long it takes me to do my jobs around the house.

With a bit of luck I'll dream the next half a dozen pages in my book. Interestingly I set out to write with Nathan Fillion and Neil Patrick Harris in mind, and they've quickly turned into Jack Black and Will Ferrell. Wonder what that says about me?

Tired...

2011-04-02T21:34:00.002+13:00

Words written today? 0
Top soil moved today? 5 cubic metres
Beers drunk today? 1
Hours sleep today? Not enough.
Extra hour in bed tonight? Priceless.

A decent start...

2011-04-01T22:10:00.002+13:00

Day one and I've already done something I wouldn't normally do.

I headed off for the Script Frenzy meet-up at Gloria Jeans in Borders, Queen Street knowing I was going to be way out of my comfort zone.

And so it proved. I was the youngest by about 10 years and everyone else appeared to know each other. I felt I was intruding in some kind of party I wish I'd known about when I was a student!

Thank god for Coconut and White Chocolate iced drink (oops, that's not going to help the 50kg weight loss) and large trim lattes.

But all was not lost. I managed to knock out four pages of my script, provisionally entitled 'Friends Without Benefits'. Yes, it's a crap title but it'll do for the moment.

I spent as much time getting to know the software as I did writing, but I have an idea where I want to go.

I should probably spend the rest of the weekend planning so I can get my three acts sorted in my head, but knowing me as I do it's a long shot!

As an aside I seem to be trying to set a record for the number of 'fucks' in a screenplay. I need to find some alternatives for when someone's angry or pissed off.

Tomorrow it's time to tackle another of my list - the garden.

I hate gardening more than just about anything. I'm not really an outside person (unless it involves watching sport) and I spent an entire summer working outside in 1993 and it made me hate it even more.

But I don't get my new Macbook Pro until September and only then if the garden is complete.

So I'm taking the wee fella and the wife up to Awa Nursery tomorrow to see if we can get some ideas and depending on the weather we might get some topsoil delivered.

And, just for good measure, the Chiefs are playing the Waratahs so I still have some time to indulge my main passion before going to bed.

Incidentally, I'm re-reading Iain M Banks' 'Consider Phlebas' on my Kobo at the moment. I loved it first time around but want to use it as a launch into the rest of Banks' 'Culture' series.

All in all a positive start to my year of adventure.

A year in the life...

2011-03-31T20:56:00.000+13:00

I've become lazy. Not at work (honestly, boss!) but when I get home from work I just switch off and sit in front of the telly or the computer.

Damn that StumbleUpon button.

But no more. I've always liked the idea of bucket lists but found the whole thing a tad depressing. So I'm going to spend the next year doing things I've always wanted to do or should have done a long time ago.

I don't intend dying in the next 12 months so this is definitely not a bucket list. It's more a 'Year in the life of...' thing.

I've picked 21 tasks, some easy, some hard and some next to impossible. But without something to aim for what's the point, right?

So starting on April Fool's day (the irony doesn't escape me) the next 365 days will be spent being a great husband, great dad and being on a great adventure.

In no order - other than it was the way they came out of my extremely weird brain - the 21 tasks are:

Interview Jimmy Buffett (there's a chance)
Lose 50kg (extremely hard, but I lost 36kg before (and put it all back on))
Learn to surf (once I've lost some weight)
Write screenplay (starting tomorrow!)
Write novel (will do nanowrimo in November)
Get Mac laptop (damn the sexy Macbook Pro)
Finish the garden (a must before I get laptop)
Do half-triathlon (unlikely)
Write and record song (should be easy, and will be influenced by the aforementioned Jimmy Buffett)
Do podcast (A regular one that at least one person listents to)
Help the kids progress at school (hard - I'll have to be very patient)
Write stand-up routine and do open-mic (makes me nervous just thinking about it)
Get another tattoo (a big one on the left arm)
Get a hole in one (this will require me to actually play golf for a change)
Run half-marathon (I would have picked marathon but I actually want to achieve it)
Go kayaking (something to do on a nice weekend)
Learn basic Spanish (dos cerveza por favor)
Do a daily blog (guaranteed to be the hardest thing on the list)
Increase Twitter followers to 2000 (must tweet more)
Learn to cook so I could appear on Masterchef (not that I actually want to but just so I can)
Get someone to buy me something from my Amazon wishlist (hint, hint)

And so in a little over three hours the year in the life of a Jimmy Buffett lovin', atheist, writer, geek, music, film and tv nut goes from stationery to full-speed.

It's going to be a blast and I'll be documenting it all here.

Generation of Don't Cares

2010-08-03T07:38:00.000+12:00

I did some digging around on my Mac last night and found an old song I'd written. I may actually try and use the remaining creative juices dripping through my body to put this to music because even five years on I quite like it.

I'm guessing this was from my massive Green Day/Politics phase because it feels Green Day-lite and also there's a not-so-subtle reference to George W Bush's re-election.

There is one change though - in the last verse I originally wrote "I'm heading for my margarita induced retreat". Obviously the Jimmy Buffett influence was still strong but when I read the whole thing this was the only thing which really grated with me. So I've changed it to fit better.

Oh, and I need to get over this obsession with having so many rhymes.

Generation of Don't Cares

Verse 1:
I sit and read the volumes proclaiming victory
I surf for honest truth that leads to screaming disbelief
They steal away our freedoms and fight in phony wars
In the name of God Almighty and multi-national whores

Verse 2:
I lead the charge, I stand and shout "Wake up" but no-one hears
Starbucks coffee in hand, white plastic stuck in ears
They're all slaves to corporate lust and power-grabbing kings
Clutching a five hundred dollar phone but not hearing it ring

Chorus:
Waking in the comforting dawn, dissipating nightmares
It doesn't take long to start weeping, worrying, fighting
For a generation of don't-cares

Verse 3:
Another opportunity has come and gone, computer-counting wins
Delivering another four years of hypocritical sins
I'm not sure I can take much more; the truth is almost dead
The righteous anger replaced by doubting voices in my head

Chorus:
Waking in the comforting dawn, dissipating nightmares
It doesn't take long to start weeping, worrying, fighting
For a generation of don't-cares

Bridge:
The internal battle rages, I can't hear through the din
Two opposing forces but who is going to win?

Chorus:
Waking in the comforting dawn, dissipating nightmares
It doesn't take long to start weeping, worrying, fighting
For a generation of don't-cares

Verse 4:
Defeat from the jaws of victory, my time is nearly done
I try and pass the baton but there's nobody to finish the run
All hope is gone, I've lost the will; assimilation is complete
Switch off the lights, I'm heading for my Zoloft induced retreat

Chorus:
Waking in the comforting dawn, no more nightmares
There's now no need to start weeping, worrying, fighting
For a generation of don't-cares
I won't, I can't, I refuse to even fucking care!

Key West Auckland

2010-07-28T21:51:00.001+12:00

Almost everything I've ever read about fiction writing says to write about what you know.

But I've been influenced by musicians and writers like Jimmy Buffett, Carl Hiaasen and Tim Dorsey and so dream of writing a great Floridian novel bright enough to put any Hawaiian shirt to shame.

I reckon the dawn of the internet has made it much easier to write a novel that can accurate in terms of setting without necessarily having walked down the actual streets.

But whatever I decide I want to get it sorted before I start the physical act of writing my masterpiece.

So Key West or West Auckland? I'm edging towards Florida. That's what re-reading Carl Hiaasen's 'Skinny Dip' does for me!

Currently reading: Skinny Dip by Carl Hiaasen
Currently listening to: Songs of Neil and Tim Finn

Burnt offering from a cheesy scrap

2010-07-14T13:01:00.000+12:00

I once wrote these lyrics as a possible song (and now can see that my imagery is all wrong, but I still kind of like them).

We sit in a crowded hut, sitting on bare-wooden seats
Craving our drug of choice, looking for a better life
The other addicts are restless, the rumbling of an unfulfilled group
The dealer comes out and suddenly a hush descends around
We pass the money to get our fix
Preyed on by the powerful, too weak to stand alone
The wonder of the universe passes us by as we look for a way out
Our lives don't mean anything without this answer
The warm feel as the energy passes through, it's time to feel alive
No longer frightened without it, but glowing in the glory
People on the street peddling filthy wares
A wrap or a book as deadly as one another
Religion defines the righteous, a needle defines the nonentity
Or is it the other way round. Whatever. I'm coming alive, I'm a true unbeliever

I had totally forgotten about them until I visited my great friend Jamie's myspace page and came across an awesome demo he did.

He took the basis of my words, sorted out my shoddy imagery and added his own excellent touch. It's a rough draft but if you want to hear how someone with actual talent can take some words and transform them into something more then it's worth checking out.

Jamie's version is called "Burnt Offering".

Writing my masterpiece

2010-07-13T20:44:00.000+12:00

I've wanted to write a novel for as long as I can remember.

I don't have my sights set high - I'm not trying to be a Harper Lee, a Mark Twain or even a Dan Brown. I want to do it just so I can prove to myself I can do it.

If a few people read it and are entertained by it then so much the better - but I have no ambitions of making a mint out of it.

So where do I start? I've tried planning ahead, I've tried winging it and neither has worked - although this has been an attempt to win nanowrimo so isn't exactly normal process.

I've got my idea - it's the story of an antihero and I think I'm going to enjoy writing it. I've procrastinated for long enough and it's time to fire up WriteMonkey and get to it.

I'm growing older but not up

2010-07-12T21:27:00.000+12:00

In the words of my hero Jimmy Buffett, "I'd rather die while I'm living than live while I'm dead", hence I'm coming back to blogging. Again.