for the love of life

We’re going home…

2026-02-21T07:57:00.529+00:00

I never thought I would say this, but we are going back. We are going home.

We prepared for so many years before we left, and all we wanted was out. And now, all we want is to go back.

It has been just over two years since my mother passed away. And in those two years, the urge to return has just grown stronger and stronger. To rebuild those few family connections we have left. To wallow again in a culture we fully understand. To stand under the African sun.

So, here we are, preparing for yet another international move. The face of our family looks very different to when we left South Africa 10 years ago.

When we left, we were four in the house. Our offspring has, in this time, grown up into a fully formed adult human who is about to get married, in Norway. Husband’s father is no longer with us. And we are returning with four feline boys.

Eulogy for our mother

2024-02-02T13:37:00.000+00:00

No matter how much you prepare yourself, losing a parent is one of the hardest things in life to go through. And doubly so when your parent is, was, as magnificent as our mother. But she would not want us to mourn her. She would want us to celebrate her, as she celebrated everyone in her life.

I don’t have a single good memory to share, or story to tell you. I knew her for approximately 18 271 days, or 600 months, or 50 years and nine days. I have too many memories and stories.

One of the things that was hard for me to accept for a long time was that our mother did not belong to me alone. She belonged to all of us, to the world.

Some people collect books, like me, others collect figurines. Our mother collected people. She loved so many people, and they all loved her back.

This disease that took her from us, from all of us, is so cruel in how it isolates the person affected from the world. And our mother, she belonged to the world, to all of you, all of us, and so many others, so the last year was very hard for her as she fell deeper and deeper into this isolation.

It robbed her of so much. And yet, here you all are, to celebrate her life, because it is not about one year, but about a life lived over a many decades and through many phases.

She taught all of us to live life in exuberance. She lived hers with gusto and abundant joy. She loved to eat good food, and to laugh. And her laugh was infectious. You could not help but laugh with her.

She brought passion to every thing she did, a passion that both of us, her biological children inherited, and a passion she inspired in many of the other children whose lives she touched in her years of teaching.

I have had so many reach out to me since she left us, and they all mentioned the deep impact she had on their lives, more so than any other teacher. And many of those completed high school more than thirty years ago.

Along with her passion, she taught us resilience. No matter how many times she was broken down, she built herself right back up, each time stronger than before, and made it look almost effortless.

But most of all, she taught us that love comes in different shapes and sizes, and it is not a finite resource. You can love many people without withholding from one.

In one of my favourite books, Reaper Man by Terry Pratchett, there is a line that reads “Do you not know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken? No one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away, until the clock wound up winds down, until the wine she made has finished its ferment, until the crop they planted is harvested. The span of someone’s life is only the core of their actual existence.”

Let us let her ripples last as long as possible.

One song, more than any other, will always remind me of her, The Whole of the Moon by the Waterboys

I pictured a rainbow
You held it in your hands
I had flashes
But you saw the plan
I wandered out in the world for years
While you just stayed in your room
I saw the crescent
You saw the whole of the moon
The whole of the moon

---------

She loved this poem, and the amazing Michael Sheen delivers it with such power: Michael Sheen performs 'Do not go gentle into that good night' by Dylan Thomas (youtube.com)

The Spider Wars

2023-10-09T14:33:00.006+01:00

Last night, I picked up a spider-related injury.

It is not what you think it is.

As you may or may not know by now, I am severely arachnophobic. I mean, I am scared of many things in life, but I can typically ignore those fears and continue with my life despite them. But spiders, they paralyze me. Or make me move faster than I have ever moved. Or both, in some instances.

I have been alone at home for the last week while my husband takes care of a family matter. It has been a nightmare. It started on Monday, when I started packing the dishes into the dishwasher from the kitchen basin, and, as I moved the last item, and a big hairy spider was sitting in the basin. Needless to say I could no longer use the basin.

There have been a few encounters with them during the week, from the dead spider carcass that blew across my desk to the small spider crawling out of the bushel of apples I was sorting.

But the final straw happened last night. I went outside for a last smoke (yes, I know, go away) and when I was ready to back inside, there is the eight legged monster sitting on the door, just above the door handle.

So, now I was trapped outside.

I tried throwing a few plant materials at it, but this had no effect, especially since it was all leaves and lightweight. I tried to throw my shoe at it several times, and missed each time.

By this time, I was frantic, and texting my husband. He’s sitting on the other side of the planet, watching me through the camera covering our back garden, probably laughing his ass off, and trying very hard to be supportive.

Finally he suggested that I should use the torch on my phone, light up the area around the hosepipe, and just use the hose to blast the bastard off the door.

It took me about ten minutes to work up the courage to do this, but finally, I managed to wrangle loose the hose pipe, turn on the tap and then blast the doors.

And the bastard slid himself in between the two doors, snug as a bug in a rug, avoiding the arctic blast of water coming his way.

Fuck.

But I persisted, and eventually managed to wash him out of there, and then he disappeared.

Ok, so I couldn’t see him anymore. Felt safe to return inside.

So carefully returned the hose to the web-covered hanging space on the wall, closed the tap while quietly dying inside and returned to the door, torch still on.

Yanked the door open and stepped back quickly, torch still my guiding light, no sign of the asshole on the inside of the doorframe. Ok. Scan around the door, and there is the little fucker, at the bottom of the door frame, right where I would enter.

Deep breaths.

I can do this.

So I haul myself in over the little step and into the house in a very swift movement, avoiding touching the ground around where the monster is hiding.

And as I step inside, I twisted my ankle.

Ignoring the pain, I yanked closed the door, locked it, and ran upstairs.

And so it came to be that I had a spider-related injury without ever touching one.

Plant update

2023-02-19T09:01:00.001+00:00

Against all odds, both the cherry trees and the apple tree is blossoming, despite still growing in buckets in our dining room.

We also have some new sprouts today: tomato, spinach and chicory has joined the party.

I also, on a whim, bought a flower planter last weekend from the supermarket, and I am super happy to see sprouts there too. Just wish I'd taken down the name 🤣

I also bought a bigger greenhouse, which should hopefully arrive in the next week, ready for when I start migrating the seedlings to bigger planters.

#plantingseason #plantlover #seedlings #springiscoming

It's planting season!

2023-02-06T15:05:00.001+00:00

I am rather happy that the end of winter is approaching, and I can finally start thinking about gardening again.

I bought a few fruit trees at the end of last year, and they've been growing in pots indoors, and recently started budding.

Yesterday, I started with the seedlings for a mix of vegetables, fruit, edible and medicinal herbs. They're now incubating on a table in front of the window in my library, which gets good sun. I planted 38 different types of seeds in total and in varying quantities.

So, in a few weeks I should have a few plants to start planting into bigger planters or preparing for their final homes outside.

Starting again again

2023-01-11T12:33:00.001+00:00

via GIPHY

So, it has certainly been a while. The last two years have been… a lot…

I’ve said goodbye to my grandfather, father and grandmother. My mother’s currently being treated for cancer.

We’ve moved house, and moved again. And I keep writing blog posts in my head that never quite make it here.

But, it is a new year, and I have things. Maybe even words.

We bought a house last year, another fixer-upper, and the garden is a blank canvas. So soon, I will start with my seedling, and try and fill up the life-spaced gaps with green friends.

The return of the music

2022-05-29T08:05:00.001+01:00

And hopefully a revival of my ability to blog.

It has been a long two years. And I know the pandemic isn’t completely over, but it does feel like there is light now, and especially in Ireland, the numbers are low and the restrictions have been lifted.

And the music has returned.

After two years at home, we have finally been able to go to gigs again.And we have some festivals to look forward to as well.

6 April 2022: Ensiferum, The Academy, Dublin

It is probably no secret by now that Ensiferum is one of my all time favourite bands. This was the fifth time I’ve seen them live, and I have seen then in four different countries now, and they never disappoint.

The Academy is a great, intimate venue, that allowed me a great view of the band without being right in the crowd.

And there is just something about this band that makes me incredibly happy.

The setlist was great, Sammi’s energy is unstoppable, and it was the best way to return to live music while living in a new country.

6 May 2022: Tool, 3 Arena, Dublin

I must be honest and admit that I’ve never really listened much to Tool, but when a friend asked if we wanted to join them for the gig, I couldn’t say no, because it has been so long since we’d seen anyone live, and it is always a good way to get to know a band.

3 Arena is massive, and the event was a seated one, which is interesting for a metal gig, but allowed me to really listen to the band.

Tool is an amazing prog metal experience without the vocals. Some of the music was reminiscent of Opeth, but I prefer deeper vocals, and this was just missing for me. I will probably not listen to much Tool in the future either for this reason.

A shoutout for support band Brass Against, who we’ve seen once before at Wacken, and is simply amazing.

25 May 2022, My Chemical Romance, The Royal Hospital Kilmainham, Dublin

I never thought I would get the opportunity to see My Chemical Romance live, and when the reunion tour was originally announced, we still lived in the UK and tickets sold out quicker than I could say The Foundations of Ok. And then the pandemic happened, the tour got postponed, we moved and another date was added in Dublin. I got lucky.

First outdoor event for the year, and it was glorious. It was a lovely sunny evening, not yet so hot that you melt and cool enough to hop around if the mood grabbed.

And Gerard and the boys were amazing.

Also special shoutout to support act Gayle, who has an amazing voice and energy, and will now make it into my regular playlist on Spotify.

Our next music event is Prima Vera in Barcelona on 4 June, where we will get to see some long time favourites, including Einsturzende Neubauten, Nick Cave and Bauhaus.

I should start getting better at these again with some practise

Have you ever…

2022-02-22T15:51:00.001+00:00

Have you ever
felt so completely empty
you cannot even think
or remember your own name

Have you ever
lost yourself so completely
you misplaced your soul
and forgot what breath means

Have you ever
felt so completely empty
that you cannot even string
a few shitty words together into a shitty poem

Have you seen me anywhere?

Cruachan and guests in Dublin

2021-11-15T16:14:00.001+00:00

This weekend, the husband and I went off to Dublin for our first gig since Feb 2020, which also happened to be our first gig since moving to Ireland.

Ah, yes, that happened. We moved to Ireland! But we will come back to that another time, maybe.

It has also been our first semi-post-pandemic big outing, so we were a little nervous about being around a lot of people again. To be honest, we’ve been avoiding gatherings for the last few months for many reasons, and even visiting restaurants have made us nervous. And yes, we are both fully vaccinated, but there are so many people out there who are quite selfish in this regard that we’ve just generally steered clear of people.

Anyway…

The gig was at The Grand Social, which is a grand venue indeed along the river Liffey and in a vibrant part of Dublin city. From arrival, we met some lovely friendly Irish metal heads and other assorted interesting folks, and it was so nice to just be for a bit, let our hair down and laugh quite a bit. Not sure if anyone’s noticed, but the Irish are quite funny in a ha-ha-ha kind of way.

And then the music started.

The first band up was God Alone.

I wish a picture could convey a vibe much better. Or the energy that these young lads had.

I may be slightly obsessed with telling everyone about them now.

These lads. My god. They blew my socks off. This stage was definitely not big enough for them, or their sound. They are a wonderful chaotic blend of many different sounds I love. My quick note to myself during the gig was that they sound like Opeth, Bauhaus and Einsturzende Neubauten spawned an offspring. I am not even sure if that was their intent, but the prog metal sound is strong in there.

After this, Ravenlight took to the stage with a good strong sound and fabulous female vocals.

We got a little overwhelmed by the number of people in the venue, so didn’t see too much of the Ravenlight set, and missed the Old Season set completely, but did manage to catch the headliners, Cruachan (pronounced kroo-kan apparently), who certainly did not disappoint. Strong folk metal sound and a fantastic stage presence – so glad we caught them.

We had a great night out, despite feeling a bit overwhelmed, and it was much needed.

The next gig we will be attending will be with the Hothouse Flowers and a few other bands on New Years’s Eve, and then Ensiferum and Dark Tranquility in April 2022.

my dad is gone

2021-10-16T22:37:00.001+01:00

My dad left us seven weeks ago. I've not really been able to get the words out since then.

It is a hard thing, losing a parent. Especially if they are still on the younger side.

I mean, you never really accept that your parents are mortal. When you're a kid, they are your world, they are superheroes, even if they are flawed, and you believe they will be there forever.

Our relationship was complicated. I have fond memories, and some really shitty ones. I try and focus on the good, but so much of my adult journey is because of the challenges he placed on my path.

For so long, I carried around so much anger towards him, and it is hard to let go of some of it.

But there is quite a lot of him in me.

I loved him, and I miss him. I wish we could have one more visit. I wish he would send me one more joke.

Rest peacefully old man. At least his pain is over now.

eulogy

2020-11-25T21:18:00.001+00:00

Today, my heart is broken. The universe has reclaimed a big piece of my heart.

You gave me a love for stars and planets, Einstein and Brahe, for Tchaikovsky and Beethoven, learning new things and questioning everything.

We have not spoken in the longest time, but you are in my thoughts daily.

I will always love you.

Rest peacefully, old man. I will miss you always.

lockdown

2020-04-29T11:11:00.001+01:00

My calendar is a graveyard

of happy moments

events and outings

that would have been, could have been

Punctuation in the cycles

And now

We are in an endless loop

Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday

Two Saturdays

And then back to Tuesdays

And every day, the news

More fatalities

The lockdown continues

And my calendar is a graveyard

untethered

2020-03-08T23:11:00.001+00:00

Untethered

Unbound

Rootless

The path ahead dark

No markers, no pointers

No star to chase or

Home to return to

Unknown

Uncertain

The crystal ball is murky

Floundering confounded

At the mercy of the Fates

Pulling strings unknown

Time unwound

Leaving me unbound

night

2020-02-13T23:23:00.001+00:00

I find a quiet solace in the dark of the night. The distant sounds of cars driving by, the soft breeze gently blowing between the trees. Alone with my thoughts, in the dark, quiet night.

The music of 2019

2019-12-15T16:19:00.001+00:00

This has been a really good year for us, musically. We have attended a great number of gigs and seen some bands that we never thought would be possible. Here’s a nutshell view of the gigs we’ve been to this year.

Post-Modern Jukebox

In February, we headed off to Oxford for an evening with the magnificent Post Modern Jukebox for an evening of classic remakes of modern songs, and they certainly did not disappoint.

Laibach

In March, we spent an evening with long-time loves, Slovenian avant-garde group Laibach. I’ve have loved Laibach since my late teens, and spending the evening with them was a really special moment for me. The fist half of the evening, they shared their documentary Liberation Day about going to North Korea with us, and then performed a number of beloved songs from the Sound of Music and more.

Dead Can Dance

Dead Can Dance is one of the first bands that the husband and I shared a love for, and their music has been a constant in our lives both before we met and since then. In May, we were fortunate enough to experience the magnificence of Dead Can Dance live. Lisa Gerrard’s voice transported us to many worlds, and certainly did not disappoint. Paired with Brendan Perry’s vocals, and a blend of magical sounds, this is probably one of the best gigs we’ve ever been to, and one we will remember for a long time. It was also one of those once-in-a-lifetime experiences for us, as the band no longer plays gigs that regularly.

Muse

In June, we headed off to the Olympic Park Stadium in London for an evening with Muse and friends. Muse is certainly worthy of such a big, magnificent venue and fills up the space with their sound and energy. Another great gig and night to remember.

Nick Cave

Later in June, I spent an evening with Nick Cave for the very intimate Conversations with Nick Cave. It was an evening with just Nick Cave on stage with his piano and a microphone, answering questions from the audience, providing us with a glimpse into his mind and soul, and sharing the beauty of his music with us.

Wacken Open Air

Going to Wacken has become a bit of an annual pilgrimage for us, returning to the Holy Metal land to watch as many bands as possible and being with the best community in the world, and this year was no exception. We saw a large number of bands as always, but for me the highlights were seeing The Sisters of Mercy, Brass Against, Facing the Gallows, Bloodywood, Hammerfall, Powerwolf and one of my new favourite bands, The Vintage Caravan.

Killswitch Engage

I joined the husband and some friends at the Killswitch Engage gig in London in October. They’re not typically my cup of tea, but it was a good night out and they certainly put on a good show.

The Cult

Another favourite from my younger years is The Cult, and we were fortunate enough to catch their Sonic Temple tour in London in October. They were supported by The Last Internationale, which we’d never heard before but was absolutely phenomenal. Another bucket list band seen, and the support band has also made it into my regular playlist now.

Opeth and The Vintage Caravan

October was a really busy month for us, as we also got to see Opeth, with The Vintage Caravan in support, towards the end of October. Opeth is one of my top 5 favourite bands at the moment, and seeing them live finally was a very special night for me.

a-ha

a-ha was one of the first bands I ever loved, and the start of my musical love affair with the Nordic countries. Seeing them live at the Royal Albert Hall in November was truly special.

Amon Amarth

Our last gig of the year was seeing Swedish greats Hypocrisy, Arch Enemy and Amon Amarth, at the end of November in London. Amon Amarth is another one of my current favourite bands, regularly featuring in my playlists, and seeing them live never disappoints. I’ve seen them a few times at Wacken, but this was the first time seeing them in a smaller setting – and it was still a spectacular event.

Thank you to each of the bands we have seen, and every other band we listen to on a regular basis, for the music and the memories.

It’s a cat

2019-12-12T09:59:00.001+00:00

And this is a test

2019-11-23T05:19:00.001+00:00

Music has always been a constant in my life, from when I was a very young human. My taste in music may have expanded over the years, and it changes according to my mood, but there are some constants throughout.

Every now and again on social media there will be some kind of music challenge – 10 songs that changed your life, 20 albums that influenced you, etc – and I will always participate, because it is so absolutely core to me. Even when I do not listen to music for weeks on end because, well, life gets in the way.

I bought my first walkman when I was 9 years old. It was a cheap piece of shit, but it was a start.

When I was 10, I saved my pocket money for months until I had enough to go and buy a good walkman. This one was much better.

When I was 12, I again saved my pocket money and finally bought myself a boombox – except I would never have called it a boombox. It was a deluxe double tape deck FM/AM radio. The double tape deck was the important thing, because it was the time of mix tapes.

And taping your favourite songs from the radio.

That was an art in itself. You had to time it perfectly. You had to know the first few beats of the song, and hit the button just as the DJ stopped talking, and then hit the pause button – never stop, always pause – as the song approaches the last few beats, just before the ad for got knows what ruins the ending completely.

And this is why you needed a double tape deck.So you can edit out these little annoyances. And compile the songs in an order that tells a story – mostly that you are making googly eyes at some guy :)

My walkman and I went everywhere. There was no greater freedom than me, my bicycle, long summer days and my walkman. I would cycle around the neighbourhood aimlessly, just so I could listen to music. It was glorious.

These days, my phone is my walkman, and I have Spotify – so there is no need to wait next to the radio to hear my favourite song to make a compilation, and I have the world’s music at my finger tips, for the most part. There are still a few favourite bands that are not on Spotify, but I can savour them at the right moments.

So I’ve been making a bit of a mixtape again. A mixtape with no limits. And every song I love. It is a work in progress, a labour of love.

Picture test post

2019-11-14T09:06:00.001+00:00

Trying one more thing to get picture posts back on my blog, because I miss blogging

It is the uncertainty

2019-10-13T07:11:00.001+01:00

It is the uncertainty that keeps me awake at night.

In a few short days I will celebrate the third anniversary of me getting onto a plane and leaving the country of my birth behind to start a new life. And as each anniversary passes, the big end date gets closer. The expiry of the visa.
It is terrible that such a small piece of plastic can have such a big influence on our lives.

Because not only is it the end of our stay in the UK, but it also marks the end of our unity as a family. Our kid will be moving on with their own life, probably in Norway, just a few weeks or months before the husband and myself move on to our new home, possibly Ireland.

Despite the turbulence of the current political climate in the UK, we have had the best life here so far, and the thought of leaving it behind is very hard. All our long term friends live here, and we've made so many new ones too. We've seen so much and done so much in the three years since we've been here, much more than we could have imagined.

There are options, but they are out of my control. And so I am in limbo, unable to make plans about the future, stuck in a pudding of uncertainty.

And it is the uncertainty that keeps me awake at night.

Insta Picture post - #england #goodomens #morningcycle #summervibes #lowertadfield #sunshine #berkshire #summer

2019-07-08T09:27:00.001+01:00

The colours of Summer in Berkshire. I do feel like I live in Lower Tadfield when I walk or cycle around where we live, and expect to run into Adam and Dog every so often, even though LT is in Oxfordshire #morningcycle #goodomens #lowertadfield #berkshire #england #Summer #summervibes #sunshine (Automagically cross-posted from Instagram using Microsoft Flow)

Insta Picture post - #starshapedhearts

2019-07-06T22:11:00.001+01:00

This dude is my dude ❤️ #starshapedhearts (Automagically cross-posted from Instagram using Microsoft Flow)

Insta Picture post - #starshapedhearts #myoffspring

2019-07-05T18:11:00.001+01:00

This adorable human. #myoffspring #starshapedhearts (Automagically cross-posted from Instagram using Microsoft Flow)

Insta Picture post - #england #weekendaway #eastsussex #seasidemoments #brighton

2019-06-30T19:42:00.001+01:00

Had a great time yesterday and today hanging out in Brighton with my bestie. The main purpose of the trip was to catch Conversations with Nick Cave, which was a wonderful and inspirational evening of music and listening to him answer questions with an otherworldly grace, wisdom and compassion. #weekendaway #Brighton #eastsussex #england #seasidemoments (Automagically cross-posted from Instagram using Microsoft Flow)

Insta Picture post - #summer #england #berkshire #sunshine

2019-06-28T12:56:00.001+01:00

It is a gloriously beautiful sunny day, and summer has finally arrived in England (again). Working from home means I can sit outside over lunch and soak in some Vit D #Summer #sunshine #berkshire #england (Automagically cross-posted from Instagram using Microsoft Flow)

Insta Picture post - #england #london #summervibes

2019-06-09T15:42:00.001+01:00

Blue! #London #england #summervibes (Automagically cross-posted from Instagram using Microsoft Flow)