I Dreamed a Dream

Getting Old Ain't For Whimps

2011-01-11T21:48:00.000-08:00

People build faces like

we used to build cities

with sky scrapers reaching

towards our youth.

Remodeling, reconstructing,

and all in attempts to hold on to

a time in our lives where we were

the most confused.

I once told my Granddaddy

I never want to grow old.

And he smiled and said

That’s fine, but you’ll be

missing out.

He said that age is like

a mistress. She’ll push you

around and give you a

head ache, but the sex is

damn good.

He stopped and touched

his face, as if each line was

a memory or an old friend.

This man wears his wrinkles

with pride and it makes me

wonder why age seems so scary

to other people.

Wrinkles are just like old

medals indicating that

you’ve done something

right with your life. But the lady

on the screen must want her medals

secret, cause she has enough Botox

in her to hold a whole damn

city on her brow.

I'll Meet You On My Pillow

2010-12-23T00:10:00.000-08:00

I found myself

lying in bed, the weight of sleep
tugging at my eye lids like
memories. I

can't remember why, but
the night I first loved you
played over in my head.
The first embrace I can't

live up to, but try to
all the same. That
first time I knew why
I was alive.

Without intention, my eyes
close gently, and visions
start their work. But they
know they can't start without

you, because you're the
center of the show. A smile
will linger as the sleep show plays
the best times I've had with you.

The Pulse of Pavement

2010-12-23T00:04:00.000-08:00

The parking lot looked almost beautiful
then we remembered it was a parking lot.
Blades of grass push up
through the cracks in their ceiling
gasping for breath.

The sun illuminates what should have been
a forest, a field, a silent sanctuary
and with images of buried pasts
we drive across the concrete tomb.

The Neighborhood Is Bleeding

2010-11-02T22:39:00.001-07:00

So many times I find myself having an argument in my head with someone. In my head, I'm always shouting my obviously long and thought out reasons why they are so illogical and stupid and that I, a 19 year old illogical idiot myself, know EXACTLY what is wrong with them and why they are acting like a major asshole. Though these mock arguments are wonderfully enjoyable to think about, it is painfully frustrating knowing that I can probably never say those things to that person. All I want to say is "Back Off!" or "Maybe you should worry about your own life!" or usually "YOU SHOULD JUST STOP F^@%)#& WORRYING ABOUT EVERYTHING!"

It's just so frustrating having to hear about how wrong everything that I do is, or how inadequate I am, or how I see her too much. We're not puppets, we're people, and we have feelings and plans for ourselves. Why is it that people have the audacity to think that they can choose ANYTHING that has to do with another persons future, no matter the relationship or connection??? When did it become wrong to want to be happy instead of wealthy? Success does not equate to dollar signs. "Money can't buy me Love!" (Paul McCartney) Some people should learn how to LISTEN and actually consider that what they think is best just might not be what is desirable.

My Memories Have A Shadow

2010-10-19T11:42:00.000-07:00

Lets turn the grass into a bed
And rest our eyes a while.
The air is dry and sweet, but cold.
It doesn't carry your smell.
I feel you lying next to me
But I'm scared to open my eyes
For my mind knows my senses cheat,
and when I do, my fingers outline the
mat of grass left from your back.

College Kids

2010-10-07T22:36:00.000-07:00

I'm not where I want to be,
I'm not doing what I want to do,
I'm not who I want to be.
I'm part of a world that expects a Superman.
I'd be luck to be a Might Mouse.
The songs in my head never reach my hands,
and the passion in my heart is slowly turning to guilt.

Where did I go?
What happened to the simple love for life?
Suddenly nothing is allowed to be simple.
Everything means something
means something else
means something better
means blah blah BLAH!!!

I just want to have
peace,
clarity,
acceptance,
understanding.

"Someone please save us,
us college kids."

Writers Block

2010-10-05T15:19:00.000-07:00

The words are pulsing through my veins
and bursting at my finger tips.
They're singing in my head
and dancing close to paragraphs.

Where the hell is a pen?
I'm drowning from my lack of ink.

Focus!

Remember what you thought
it was really good.
How did it go again?

The car screeches to a halt
and I hunt the drawer for that
little dispenser of thought.

I rip the cap off
and throw the tip to the page...

Blank

Where Have You Been?

2010-09-15T20:02:00.000-07:00

Where did all my friends go? I don't know where they are. I can't hear them. They've stopped writing. Sure they've called, messaged, facebooked, but I can't hear them. Writing is the best way for me to hear you. I miss you all, but it seems that you have stopped writing. I know that you're busy(believe me I am, too... kinda) but you have to let out your voices. They haven't gone anywhere, they're still in your finger tips. Just reach out to you pen, your paper, or your keyboard, and SCREAM into the letter. Let me hear you sing!

Comin' Home

2010-09-07T22:14:00.000-07:00

I find myself in this room,
my room,
and finally feeling like it's home.
Not a permanent home, but at least where my bed is.

And at the first hints of normalcy,
I slipped away to where home was.
And suddenly my heart is torn
between what was and what is home.

The bed that rested me for so many years
feels so foreign and strange.
And the stairs I climbed so many times
are so much easier, and harder, to endure.

What at first felt so hard and different,
I begin to understand.
This long road that I'm forced to take,
Can only take me home.

I Dreamed A Dream

2010-08-14T23:08:00.000-07:00

This song is by far the GREATEST song I have ever heard. I sang this song with my high school choir in my junior year, and even then I could feel the power of this song.

This song, by Joseph M. Martin, is about a man who has a dream that there is no music, no sound, and no happiness. The world in his dream crushes every hint of song a spirit. And when he wakes up from his nightmare, he sings (I would probably scream) praise to the "Giver of the song."

**Hint: notice how "Giver" is capitalized.

And the most important line, or at least the focal point of the song, is "Let music never die in me, forever let my spirit sing." Meaning that if he were not able to sing, his spirit would "wither and die."

I kinda totally agree with Joseph M. Martin.

So(ul) Happy

2010-07-31T23:32:00.000-07:00

You're stupid. You're fat. You're short. You're pale. You're gay. You're lazy.

You work too hard. You think too much. You don't know anything. You suck!

You're never gonna make it. No one cares about you. You're worthless.

We here things like this all the time. We say things like this all the time. And most of the time, we mean it. We have stumbled into an age where we have forgotten the power of words. We have forgotten that everything we say can be heard. We have forgotten that our words actually mean something, and are not just empty vessels for our breath.
More than anything in the world, words can and do hurt.
Someone can be made to literally believe that they are ugly, or ever WORTHLESS, if they are simply told so. Let me just say that there is not a soul on earth that is worthless. Everything and everyone has a reason to be exactly where they are.

Never let someone smother you.
Everything you think, say, and are as a person is valid, and deserves to be acknowledged as so.
You are who you are, and who you are is beautiful.

So speak up, let loose, and simply be...

No one has the right to censor who you are allowed to be. Don't be afraid to tell it how it is. Don't settle for what you think you can get, but strive for the greatest thing you can want. Don't settle for "happy enough", but find a way to become happiness itself. If you are not happy, then change. Change is never as bad as we think it will be, and always leads to greater things.

So:
Don't be afraid
Don't settle
Don't be controlled
and be happy.

So you say you're under a curse? So what, so's the whole damn world

2010-07-21T19:52:00.000-07:00

Stop!
Listen.
What do you hear?
Stop again!
Before you say "Nothing. I don't hear anything." listen again; listen harder.
Do you hear breathing? Do you hear wind? Do you hear cars passing by, people talking, birds chirping, trees dancing? Do you hear the rain on the window pain, laughter, or buzz on the radio?
Most of these sounds we simply try to ignore because they are so irksome. But the obnoxious sounds you so hastily disregard as noise are actually the sounds of potentially great music.
Every sound has a note,
a rhythm,
a reason to be heard.
Music is everywhere, and it is powerful. Why?
Because we hear it so much. Music effects us in ways we are not aware of. We are trained to hurry at honking sounds, be cautious at high pitched sirens, to think of Halloween when we hear pipe organs. Music moves us, drives us, and attracts us to everything that we define ourselves with.

Music - by definition- is "an art of sound in time that expresses ideas and emotions in significant forms through the elements of rhythm, melody, harmony, and color." according to Dictionary.com. Therefore, I believe that if a song does not accurately convey the so called "artists" true ideas and emotions, it is not really, nor can it ever be music.

In this day of electrically manufactured sound, it is hard to find any meaning in music anymore. (Other than the fact that everyone does lots of drugs, has lots of sex, and never have to suffer the repercussions.) But where is the emotion? Where is the actual person in that song? Is Lady Gaga really that worried about Alejandro? If Kesha is the person that she tells about in her songs, then she is one person I would NEVER care to meet. Why do we listen to such garbage and tell ourselves that "It doesn't reflect who I am." "I didn't write the song."
The truth is, the music we listen to DOES heavily reflect the kind of person we are. Just like food, we can put bad things into our mind that can make us sick, or worse, divert us from the values that we once believed we had.

I'd like to depict to you a feeling I had while listening to some music. I was half asleep lying down on my friends sofa in his living room when he put on a record by yet another band I had never heard of. (Sigur Ros) As I lay there floating in between consciousness, I find myself fully surrendered to the music. As the beats pulse through my veins and the chords brush across my cheeks, I am moved to a point of near hysteria. I don't know if I should laugh or cry. Every song is new, and more soothing than the last. I didn't have to listen to any profanity, and I didn't have to do any illegal drugs to have this experience. All it took was a little quieting of my frantic mind, and I was at peace. Everything, every little thing in that short amount of time that I was semi-unconscious on my friends couch, felt like it was going to be alright.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

2010-07-20T22:03:00.000-07:00

Very few things in life are worth worrying about.
Is love one of them?
Is love something that you have to nurture and tend to?
Is it as fragile and vulnerable as the very bones within my skin?

Or is it something that can take care of itself?
Can it take care of me?
Can it take care of us?
Where does love end?

Is love infinite?
Is this love?
Can it please be love?
What is love?

Now I question whether my feelings are true.
This is the part where worry turns to poison.
This is where I let my mind convince myself that maybe I'm wrong.
Now worry becomes fear.

Fear takes me by the throat and smiles.
It knows that it has power; that it is strong.
Then, like a dream, fear is kicked into trust.
Trust, not in myself, but in fate.

I believe in fate.
I feel mine in my pulse.
I'm not sure exactly what it will be...
But I've got a pretty good idea.

I'm Yours

2010-06-26T20:05:00.000-07:00

Weddings. There are an estimated 6,000 weddings a day in the United State. I've been looking forward to my wedding since I was little. I don't know what colors my flowers will be, or what I'm going to wear, I'm not a girl; but just the idea of getting to spend the rest of my life with some one I truly love is a fantastic concept.

However, the events of the actual day have been on my mind recently, due to my disinclined attendance of an unrenowned relatives ceremony. I'm sad to say that despite the favorable choice of music (thank you Jason Mraz!) I couldn't get past the bridesmaids decked in black dresses, and the idiotic chuckling of the groom. As goofy as that is to me, it looked like something you might find in People Magazine compared to another dumpy relatives "Special Day." THIS wedding was held just outside of their reception hall which just so happened to be a firework stand! The groom was dressed in his Naval uniform which isn't exactly horrible as much as it is lazy, and the groomsmen were dressed in Texas Flag button down shirts. Can you scream "Red Neck" any louder than that?!?

So no, I do not have my wedding planned, nor do I see mine being anywhere in the near future. If I am fortunate enough to get married though, I hope that it is as cool and fun as this one is....

Badges and Badges

2010-06-18T22:49:00.000-07:00

My lips do a double-take

As my tongue produces the words.

For Heavens sake!

What dissonant notes come from my cords?

As if a hand were moving my mouth

His voice streams through my throught;

Not only teaching another wild youth,

But reminding me of what to do when times get tough.

And just as he was,

I speak to absent ears;

Ignorant to all, and just because

They already know it all in their single digit years.

My cheeks bend into a smile

As the echos from the past come to a close.

The voice still resonating all the while

Like a childish "I told you so!"

I Think Im Going to (Austin)

2010-06-13T23:06:00.001-07:00

For the first time in my life, I am going to be responsible for everything I do.

No more mommy to get you out of your fix,

No more saying "I didn't mean too." "It was an accident."

No more curfew,

No more home cooked meals,

No more brother bothering you,

No more family dinners.

Etc...

Its ALL on me now.

Will I mess up?

YES

Will I miss home?

YES

Will things be hard?

YES

Will I still have fun?

YES

Is everything gonna be OK?

...

Stand By Me

2010-06-08T07:09:00.000-07:00

As I was soaring through the sky, my nose inches from the scribbles of my green notebook, I looked up for a moment to rest my neck and saw this video being played on the "Continental Vision." Intrigued, I put my headphones into the jack on my arm rest to see what it was. Watch...

This video is BEAUTIFUL! That is a word I tend to use solely for things that I find truly beautiful. Yes, this was already a good song; proclaiming that nothing can get in the way of his love for the person as long as they just stick with him through thick and thin. (cliche, I know) But with this video, they have taken the song to another level. By recording different people from all over the world, it makes the message even grander. If we could all just unite as one human race, not whites/blacks/hispanics/gays/rich/poor etc., then we could withstand "The mountains...(crumbling into) the sea." United we are powerful. United we are BEAUTIFUL.

Only Heart (The Lovers Prayer)

2010-06-01T21:47:00.000-07:00

I've been in love before;

The dates, the smiles, the kisses.

But I never knew up till now

That something important was missing.

The way you speak and hold my hands

Lets me know that you are here,

And wont let go of the gift wrapped heart

I've given to you, dear.

The feel of your toes tracing my leg

Sends chills down through my spine.

And every glance you send to me

Looks so far past my eyes.

My heart forgets its chief position

And feels your heart instead.

And in the seconds between its beats,

A love so strong is fed.

Oh, God above, if this be real,

Don't let me waste my breath.

Grant that I may hold her close

And be with her till death..

Dear Mom, I Already Miss You

2010-05-25T20:28:00.000-07:00

Holding hands as we enter the class

With faces and names I do not know.

You smile a smile that says "Don't you worry."

And that is enough to hush the butterflies.

I walk the path with my infant feet

Crawling, falling, stumbling, and bawling;

But all along your hands stay ready

To keep me from danger, and failure, and fire.

My spirit grows as fast as my bones,

And my stride moves me faster than ever.

I stand tall, like a Red Wood

Just waiting to bloom.

Now my heart takes one beat

As it realizes a truth.

The coming excitement of spring

Neglects the absence of your hands.

One beat.

This never made much sense to me...

2010-05-22T21:10:00.000-07:00

For some reason or another, I feel a lot less inclined to do something when someone else tells me to do it. I know that is really silly, and 11 times out of 10 I end up doing what is asked of me anyway, but I still resent being told what to do. Today I went to church, cleaned my car, and picked up all of Lucy's presents in the back yard. No one told me to do any of those things, I just did it. Now don't think I'm bragging... I have a point.

I will be the first person to tell you that I am REALLY lazy. I hate moving my body if I feel it to be unnecessary. I love sleeping in so late that your neck and shoulders are stiff. I love the word brunch, cause when you wake up at noon you still want breakfast, but lunch smells really good too.
However, when I get myself up and actually do something with my day, whether its writing a song or picking up dog doo, I feel a lot better with my self. As much as being a lazy polar bear all day is awesome, I usually feel pretty useless at the end of those days; knowing I could have done something to change the world, or at least my bed. My message for today is that I love doing things that I normally wouldn't do, and seeing that my work is good.

I'll Be Just Fine Here

2010-05-19T19:50:00.000-07:00

To make up for my previous Debbie-of-a-downer blog, here is take two.

I love how jovial everyone is at the end of the year; soaking up every last memory they can before they run into the wall of reality that takes away many of the ones they love.

I played cards with a couple wonderful people today, people I will all miss very dearly when I'm gone, and we simply enjoyed our time and laughed until our sides hurt. (Well I did anyway.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is its not over till the fat lady (gives me my diploma)... I mean sings, so lets live it up a bit more before the curtain closes.

So scared of getting older... I'm only good at being young

2010-05-17T21:23:00.000-07:00

My days as a high schooler are in the single digits, and mom is talking to me about sheets.
I'm going to be at my COLLEGE orientation in three weeks, and I'm still worried about what I'm going to say on my synthesis essay on Wednesday.
I'm going to be 19 years old in four months, 13 days and one and a half hours, and I still have sooo much growing up to do.
I have a love in my heart that is over flowing more and more every day, and I didn't know what to get her for her 18Th Birthday.
I've been all over the world, but the only place I want to be anymore is in her arms.
I do everything I can to stay pure, but the stench of lust and desire burns my nostrils like that really hot yellow stuff at Asian restaurants.
I want to be older so bad, but I'm clinging to my youth with every ounce of strength I have left.
I want to write, but I have nothing to say.
I want to play, but every things already been played at least twice already.
I want to stare into her eyes, but I'm ashamed because she knows everything behind my eyes.
I want to sleep, but I don't want to miss anything.

Goodnight.

Dear God...

2010-05-10T20:45:00.000-07:00

May I first say that God is AWESOME!?! He reveals his love and his plans for us in so many beautiful and unexpected ways. Now what can we do to show our Lord, our creator and savior, just how much we truly appreciate his gifts to us? Well there is a really wonderful and convenient way to do that. It even has a name.

Prayer

Prayer is a way for us to connect to God in a conversational manner. GOD, the creator of mighty rivers and air conditioning (Thanks SOOOO much for that one!) simply wants you to look to him and say "Thanks you Lord, that I am alive." There are many many ways to pray; such as sitting down, laying down, eyes closed, eyes open, head down, hands folded, lifted, pressed to your streaming eyes, out loud, or silent, etc.

But God doesn't care HOW you pray, He just wants to hear from you. He's not going to ignore you because you weren't kneeling or you sitting up straight enough. He just wants to have a nice talk with you.

Now I would like to talk about a form of prayer that I have taken a great interest in. The Rosary is something a lot of people seem to misunderstand. I guess that goes along with the "Catholics pray to Mary" thing (which is inaccurate) but I'll get into that some other time. I find that when I pray the Rosary, I am more focused on what I am praying about and I feel a stronger connection with the things on my heart and the matters of my prayers. Yes, it is a little bit of a longer way to pray, but I never really pay much attention to the length. I find myself caught up in the words, and I feel like I truly mean what I'm saying when It takes me a little longer.

Prayer is something that I used to (and sometimes still do) struggle with. But the more you work on your prayer life, the better you get at it. I love to pray because its the best way to let God know that I love him, and I love the people that He has put in my life.

Stop this Train!!!

2010-04-24T09:25:00.000-07:00

Wasn't it just the other day, we were in diapers throwing dirt and falling down all the time? Wasn't it not too long ago that we were all awkwardly growing into ourselves and trying to hide our multi-colored braces? And then, like some dramatic realization moment form a
Scorsese flick, we are facing one of the biggest transition periods of our lives.
Elementary to middle school was hard, but more so just down right awkward. Middle to high school was pretty terrifying, but not as much as anticipated. But now, literally EVERYTHING is about to change. Don't get me wrong, I'm really excited about flying the nest. But that doesn't negate the fact that my life is zipping by at ludicrous speed. Friends are all going in different directions, and its starting to show (even in myself) that the ties that are holding us together are slowly being let go. I guess I'm just feeling really old and powerless.

So after my somewhat depressing rant, I'd like to end by saying lets make the best out of the time we have. Carpe Diem!!!

Drifting... Into Perfection!

2010-04-19T13:36:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard, seen, or smelled something that immediately made you stop everything that you were doing? The phenomenon that tickled your senses is so miraculous that for a moment or ten, you are submerged in complete bewilderment and appreciation for the capture of your mind.
Of the many things that entrance my senses, there is one that I want to write about. For those that know me, I love music. I love guitar especially, and when I hear a great guitar player, I tend to melt. But there is one man who astonishes me the most. AND NO, IT'S NOT EVEN JOHN MAYER!!!!!

This seemingly awkward, chubby, and impressively bearded man can PLAY! With his inspiring phalangical (that means finger) skills, you can't help but be amazed. Honestly, every time I watch him play, I find myself staring at the screen starry eyed with my mouth wide open. And of coarse, what is nothing less than thrilling, is always accompanied by a wave of jealousy and yearning for his ability. Seriously, go watch him on youtube right now. I've left a link below, but his other stuff is just as great. And after you check it out, tell me about some other things that leave you totally and completely dumbfounded and flabbergasted. It doesn't have to be musical. It could be food, movies, books; anything that makes you say "WOW!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ddn4MGaS3N4