I Eat Vegan Kittens

Batman Volume 3 #23 Review

2017-07-28T16:27:00.001-07:00

This particular team up between Swamp Thing and Batman is forced, contrived, and surreal.

The ending, in particular (spoilers) is... stupid.

A man (who happens to be upon Interpol's most wanted list, and is a decorated assassin), armed, wearing a bandoleer of ammunition, sporting a "Storm" level mohawk is inside an art gallery... goes unnoticed by security staff, police, batman-cameras...

The absurdity that we need Swamp Thing to tell us where this retarded assassin is... is absurd. ABSURD.

Let's look at this from the assassin's viewpoint as well, shall we?

Step 1: Kill this guy because he's Swamp Thing's Dad.
Step 2: WALK INTO A PUBLIC PLACE AND TAKE NO ACTION TO DISGUISE MY CLEARLY ILLEGAL ATTIRE
Step 3: Notice Batman (who strolls in casually behind the villain with no regard to stealth, intimidation, or bystander safety)
Step 4: Get totally eaten by Swamp Thing.

I... I can't...

This entire series is written like a strange attempt at a batman elseworlds. Not just this issue, but CERTAINLY this issue is garbage.

How to change router frequency for telus internet speed

2016-05-12T09:53:00.002-07:00

1. make sure that your computer/laptop is connected wired to the modem

2. open up a browser (i.g. INTERNET EXPLORER, GOOGLE CHROME or FIREFOX)

3. on the address bar type 192.168.1.254

4. login on the router main page using the following credentials
username: admin
password: telus

NOTE: if it does not accept the password click forgot password link below it and reset it first

5. click wireless setup then look at the left side of the screen for advance settings

6. under advance settings look for channel

7. the channel drop down will provide 1-11 channels

never use 1, 6 and 11

8. click your desired channel and click apply then test, if still slow change channel again apply and test

never use ch1, ch6 and ch11

TELUS Tech Support
310-TECH (8324)

New Story Starts Soon

2012-04-08T15:02:00.002-07:00

Hello avid readers - quick heads up, a new story will be starting soon!

Batman: Arkham City | What we know so far

2011-06-15T23:45:00.000-07:00

When is it coming out?
What villains will be in it?
What changes have been made to the combat system?

Is it still good?

Most likely the newest piece of info was the playable Tim Drake (Robin) version depending on who you pre-order from.

Also, lots of new combat updates, detective mode (now called alternate reality mode) and confirmed gadgets!

Special thanks to arkhamcity.co for their updates!

Batman:

--Batman will be able to counter up to three thugs at once.

--Batman will be able to strike as many as three thugs simultaneously in combat.

--Batman will be able to counter foes using the environment.

--Batman will be able to use his explosive gel, the Batclaw, and a new, unannounced gadget seamlessly in combat. The example shown was Batman vaulting over a thug, spraying explosive gel on him and then detonating it.

--Batman will be able to taunt his enemies, often resulting in some or all of the thugs fleeing.

--Batman will have a new swinging kick, usable from an elevated perch, where he attaches a line to his perch before swinging down into the foe.

--Batman’s combat animations have more than doubled from the last game

--Batman has a new move called the “beat down”, a rapid combination of painful-looking punches and kicks that can take down any foe.

--Batman will be able to use the environment to evade foes in acrobatic ways

--If an enemy is stunned you will be able to bounce off him

--Batman will have a new move, usable from an elevated perch, where he drops down on a thug and knocks them out.

Thugs:

--There will be more thugs in each combat as compared to the previous game, recent reports have the number at 40 thugs at one time.

--Thugs will be more aggressive, and may attack simultaneously

--Thugs have more realistic AI, and may flee

--Thugs will have a much wider variety of weapons

--There will be new armored thugs that can take more damage and block normal attacks

Batman:

--Batman will have many new silent takedowns, confirmed so far are a double silent takedown and a leg choke from above.

--Batman will be able to smash through weak walls with his bare hands for a new takedown

--Batman will be able to screen himself with smoke pellets if enemies spot him

Batman:

--Batman will have all of his gadgets from the previous game from the very start of the new game.

--Batman will have new gadgets, confirmed so far are a broadcast analyzer, smoke pellets and an Ultra Sonic Emitter (USE) used to summon swarms of bats.

--Batman will be able to electrically charge remote-control Batarangs and use them to overload control panels

--Batman will have a new grapple boost that, instead of taking him to the point fired, shoots him there and then rockets him upward, from which point you can glide.

--Batman will be able to transform a glide into a dive bomb for a much more rapid descent. Dive bombing into a group of thugs will push them back.

--Batman will be able to grapple enemies mid-glide

--Batman will be able to remain in a near-perpetual state of flight by gliding, grappling up to a high point, hurling himself off, and repeating.

--Batman will have a new "Spider-Man style" grapple hook.

--Batman will be able to slow down mid-grapple to fire the gun again and go off in a completely different direction.

Arkham City:

--Arkham City will be at least four times the size of Arkham Asylum.

--Arkham City's storyline will take place approximately 80% outdoors, and 20% indoors.

--Batman will be able to climb on more objects, including wires and billboards.

--Lights are highlighted in a detective mode screenshot shown, suggesting they will be interactable in some manner.

--Batman will be able to dive out of windows with a context sensitive use of the evade button.

--Territories will change in both appearance and size as the game progresses.

--There will be many side quests apart from the main story. One of them involves Batman following a string of payphones being called by Victor Zsaz before finally confronting him.

-- Arkham City will feature dynamic music, that directly mirrors and reacts to the actions you chose and undertake whilst playing the game.

--Thugs will have a much wider variety of appearance than in the first game

--Most thugs will be grouped into gangs, each headed by a staple Batman villain. Confirmed so far are Joker, Two-Face, Riddler and Penguin, with many more hinted.

--Gang members and territories will be heavily stylized and individualized based on the gang's leader.

--You can keep track of the gangs in your criminal database

--Thugs not attached to a gang roam the streets

--Riddler thugs have replaced Riddler maps in the new game, and will require interrogation before they will talk

--More complicated crime scenes than in the first game.

--Later in the game some crime scenes will require puzzles to be solved

--Rocksteady claims to be changing Detective Mode to an “augmented reality” mode, although this is not seen yet in the new screens.

The Joker

Harley Quinn

Hugo Strange

Mr. Zsasz

Mr. Freeze (V/A)

The Penguin

Two Face

Poison Ivy (V/A)

Bane*

Solomon Grundy*

The Riddler

Black Mask*

Talia Al Ghul (V/A)

Killer Croc*

Calendar Man

Villains marked with an * have not been officially announced by Rocksteady.

Villains marked with (V/A) were confirmed via voice actor.

SPOILERS

--The story for Arkham City takes place roughly eighteen months after the events of Arkham Asylum. Quincy Sharp, former warden of Arkham Asylum, has taken credit for stopping the Joker, and used that notoriety to become mayor of Gotham City. As neither Arkham nor Blackgate Prison are in any condition to hold inmates, Sharp buys out a large section of Gotham's slums and arms the perimeter with mercenaries from a group called Tyger in order to create "Arkham City". The prisoners are brought into Arkham City and given free rein, told only to not attempt escape. To oversee the city, Sharp uses psychiatrist Hugo Strange who appears to have his own secret plans for the city. Batman maintains a vigil over the city, worried that the situation may get out of hand. Part of the setup for "Arkham City" was contained in plans in a hidden room in Sharp's office in Arkham Asylum.

The events of the game are set in motion when Two-Face, seeking to gain status among the inmates and other villains outside the city, devises a plan to publicly execute Catwoman. Batman decides for both the safety of Gotham and of his past romance with Catwoman that he must stop the execution by entering Arkham City himself.

--Alfred replaces Oracle, who has gone missing

--Jack Ryder has been put into Arkham City due to him becoming to close to the truth on the city while working on an expose. Rocksteady were hesitant to reveal what Ryder had uncovered.

--Your first meeting with Two-Face is early on in the game. You are greeted with him displaying Catwoman tied up side down to a baying crowd of criminals.

Two-Face decides Catwoman's fate with the iconic coin toss. She gets lucky this time.

--The first confrontation with Two-Face results in Batman getting shot in the chest only for Catwoman to slip out of her chains and hit Two-Face into the acid she was about to be chucked into. A flirtatious conversation is then held between Catwoman and Batman only to be interrupted by a sniper dot on Catwoman’s chest. Batman shoves her out of the way and the shot misses.

--Joker has a potentially fatal disease, that seems to have very little do with the overdose of Titan.

--Riddler has a very real and physical presence in the game. Throughout the game he will require you to solve riddles as in AA, as well as navigating trap-strewn chambers and rescuing hostages.

--Your first encounter with The Penguin has you racing to save several police officers held captive inside his "Museum."

Elf Quest Movie

2011-06-13T10:18:00.000-07:00

So, I hear through the grapevine that this fan trailer, not unlike the mortal combat fan trailer, is in the process of being "picked up" for something larger.

While Warner Bros still has the option to bite on the project for a while, there are quite a few producers who are looking for the latest comic book movie, and would like to broaden their horizons into the "also very sexy" crowd.

Think "Into the blue" mixed with "xmen" and you have Elf Quest's fan base.

(ps I vote Jessica Alba as Leetah, and Denise Richards as one of the Elves who doesn't talk very much, but finds excuses to get naked a lot)

ps check out http://www.elfquestfantrailer.com/ for any updates!

Top 10 National Anthems

2011-04-05T18:33:00.000-07:00

1: Soviets

I mean damn. That just makes me want to get up and join in. Y'know what? Contest is over . That's just awesome.

Sucker Punch Movie Review

2011-04-03T01:20:00.000-07:00

I saw Sucker Punch today, and was very, very happy with about 26 minutes of it, and, moderately pleased with the majority, and only moderately disappointed in the remaining 6%.

The soundtrack is great - although the version of Bjork's Army of Me, while awesome, isn't quite as good as when she did a much cooler version with a group called "Skunk". (worth the 89 cents download, honestly)

As I found that link, I noticed there's also a Japanese version. Neat.

Anyway, the first dream within a dream sequence if FANTASTIC and awesome and everything I'd hoped. It lasts about 10 minutes or so, but, it brought tears to my eyes in that short time. The rest of the movie has brief moments of awesome, but, they are few and far between.

I was reminded of the first Kill Bill, where the movie only really got cool once she went to Japan, but was borderline unwatchable in the first half. This movie wasn't unwatchable at any point, really, but, I would still say that its quality fluctuated wildly, and, I could have done with a fair bit less of the "real(er) world".

I could also draw an analogy to a pornographic movie, or Jackie Chan movie, where, ultimately, we all didn't care too much about the setup, and wanted to watch the good part... and the ratio of good part to setup just wasn't there for me.

I give the movie a 4.3 out of 10. But, check out that one scene if you get the chance.

Best Alarm Clock Ever

2011-03-30T12:16:00.000-07:00

Oh sure, there are those nice, soft melodies... those sunlight mimicking fade-in lights and even affirmations on a tape to wake up to.

But, what could possibly rival the chipmunks doing heavy metal?

I mean, honestly.

How could you not jump around and be full of energy when listening to this?

(in fact, I'm going to go hit the bag :-)

Forgot your password prank

2010-11-11T09:09:00.000-08:00

So, y'know when you forget your password from some telephone related thing, you have to give them a "phrase" or "secret question" or whatever, and the related answer?

Or, they'll provide the question, like "what was your first pet's name?" and you can answer "a ford mustang".

Well, this prank would ideally be for the ones where the question itself is something you provide, and ultra ideally where there is a large character limit. But, if you just provide the answer, you could still have some fun with it.

Either copy and paste, or, write your own erotica into the secret question section. Then, call them up and let them know you've forgotten your password.

They'll have to read you the secret question.

Bonus points: Put in brackets at the beginning (use sexy voice)

hhehehe.

"Hello, this is Ahmed how can I be helping you today?"
"Yes, hello. (breathing deeply) I seem to have... been a little naughty."
"Okay"
"You see, I've gone and... forgotten my password..." (sound of a spank in the background)
"O...kay, I can help you with that. Did you provide us with a secret question and answer?"
"Yes Sir, please say it to me..."
"...Okay."
"Please... please hurry..."
"Alright. Here is your... ques.... tion..."
"Oh God yes, use your accent..."
"My... oh... kay. Its... um... there is some brackets... use your... sexy voice... then..."
(deep breathing)
"er... John removed his... throbbing mem...ber... and..."

Boy would that be some funny.

And, you could have an answer that was either "related" and equally as awesome... or, you could have an answer completely unrelated like "fresh scabs" and then he'd REALLY have a story to tell. All day, he'd be wondering "what... what is the relation?"

So yeah. That's the idea I woke up with this morning.

Video Editing with Corel VideoStudio

2010-11-09T00:22:00.000-08:00

Okay, the program is great. I like it way more than premiere. But it really has some strange quirks.

Like, for example, the video encoding process. Randomly, many settings will distort a high quality JPG beyond recognition, while leaving the rest of the video intact and pristine.

Other times, to avoid this, you'll need to use a high level encoding process... which is fine, but then, again, seemingly without cause, it will take HOURS AND HOURS to encode a basic movie... when that same movie took about 20 minutes to encode previously.

I suppose what I'm saying, is that the program itself is good... editing: superb. Ease of use: superb. But, when it comes time to actually export what you've made...

pain in the ass.

Invisible Treehouse

2010-11-07T19:34:00.000-08:00

Well now, this is just a neato-riffic thingie.

Without an ounce of photoshop, they have created an invisible, bird-resistant, super house.

Now, I know what you're thinking:

And yes, there will be SOME secret lairs created for the occasional super villain.

BUT, there'll also be some pretty neat (apparently very eco-friendly) homes for people made as well.

But wait, who made this wacky contraption?

Good question imaginary person. The answer is these people. (BEWARE: BIRD NOISES ACCOMPANY THIS LINK! THOSE ALLERGIC TO BIRD AUDIO BE WARNED)

But wait, how does it work?

(why do I have to wait? Can't I just answer right away)

Well still imaginary person... who...

hey.

Why am I underlined?

There.

Now where was... oh yeah.

It works via some interesting, apparently bird-proof (meaning they won't fly into it, not that they'd be defeated by its impenetrable wall), reflective glass.

For more neat photos, check this place out

This is even cooler than meat house!

Cell phones kill bees and people

2010-11-05T18:55:00.000-07:00

If Cell Phones Are Behind the Bee Decline, What Are They Doing to Humans?
Well heck, I bloody well knew they were bad news. Didn't I say they were bad news? Well, they are.

People have been trying to figure out what the heck has been happening to the bee population. For those of you present-minded people, less bees does not equal "less stings" - it equals no trees.

No trees = no animals.

You're an animal.

So anyway, we've figured out that cell phones are doin' something to the bees.

Specifically, in a study at Panjab University in Chandigarh, northern India, researchers fitted cell phones to a hive and powered them up for two fifteen-minute periods each day.

After three months, they found the bees stopped producing honey, egg production by the queen bee halved, and the size of the hive dramatically reduced.

Some kinda frequency vibrational thingie, I'm guessin'. Seriously, the waves coming off those things are interfering with hive minds. (I wonder if it affects ants too?)

Andrew Goldsworthy, a biologist from Imperial College, London, told CNN that the reason may have to do with radiation from cell phones and cell towers disturbing the molecules of the chemical cryptochrome, which bees and other animals use for navigation.

Now, I know you probably focused on the whole cryptochrome-bee thing, so I'm going to say part of that again: OTHER ANIMALS USE FOR NAVIGATION.

The "other animals" part there is key: it includes humans.

Cryptochrome apparently also plays a role in controlling circadian rhythms. (sleeping/energy)

If cell phone and tower radiation disturbs cryptochrome molecules, it could have serious consequences for our circadian rhythms, Goldsworthy wrote in a briefing for an independent, British radiation research group last year. Circadian rhythms follow a roughly 24-hour cycle and play a key role in physically, mentally and behaviorally regulating our bodies. Mess with your circadian rhythms and you screw with, among other things, your ability to be well-rested and the associated health benefits.

Goldsworthy argues that the link between phone radiation and cryptochrome could then explain the sometimes-found link between cell phones and cancer:

AAAAH HAH! I so told you so.

Surreal

2010-11-03T12:21:00.000-07:00

Y'know, if you watched Rambo backwards, it would be really interesting to see him run around and heal everyone with his magic bullet vacuum.

I'm just sayin'

Computers of the "future" (about 5 years)

2010-11-02T09:19:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you've seen Minority Report, but, it turns out that, in the interest of believability, the director had them design the cool computer interface like a design doc. Meaning, it had to (at least sorta) work.

Since then, its been refined and... it does work.

In fact, our current vision of the future is that in about 5 years, we'll have exactly that.

They don't mention it in the presentation, but, with the advent of 3D televisions (especially 3dH technologies, which, if you haven't heard of, has created 3D TV without glasses (very cool) via a spherically polarized screen. I was at their investment hearing 4 years ago, when the technology was still in its infancy.

Since then, many people have likely crafted a similar design, so I don't know who'll end up being the next VHS/BETA (or, for you younger pups, BLUE RAY/...that other one)

Amazing, how marketing plays such a key role in product choice. The other one was better, as was beta, but people just didn't like the name...

Anyhoo, off topic: Imagine, the future of children born in about a year or more. Imagine how they would look at a mouse, after growing up using...

Imagine the educational "play boxes" and toys for babies... Very cool world. Almost makes me want to delay the birth of my own child by a few years just so we can see the neat baby toys that'll be created...

The Problem With Galactus

2010-11-01T12:37:00.000-07:00

I have a problem with Galactus. The planet-eater, who doesn't want to eat planets, but has to.

Introducing 3 Characters and some vague understanding of the power cosmic, and I think you might, too.

Galactus: Able to do preeetty much anything, including, but not limited to, converting matter into energy for consumption.

Wolverine: Able to heal from preeetty much anything, including, but not limited to, being reduced down to nearly nothing but arteries, veins, bones and a few scraps of flesh (depending on what comic you read - sometimes he's a bit more mortal, but, you get my point about the regeneration thing)

Ego, the living planet. It is uncertain where he gets his lifeforce from, but, presumably it would be from something ambient in space. Solar... kinetic/friction maybe... something like that.

Okay. So:

First question is: Why doesn't Galactus simply harness solar energy to feed his voracious apatite?

Okay, we're going to let that one slide, and say that he can't. (for some reason)

Okay, but, he CAN re-arrange molecules of creatures to give/take abilities, or restructure genetic material altogether.

(And even if he couldn't, I'm sure he could convince somebody to help him out in exchange for NOT EATING THEIR PLANET)

So, what you could have, is Ego, the regenerative planet. You splice Ego and Wolverine together, and heck, you could even breed them so you had more than one. (perhaps in different flavors?)

So, Mr. Older Than the Big Bang... spend a little less time on your magenta fashion ideas and a little more on the solution to your "ever growing hunger" mkay?

Mkay.

(I couldn't find a link to Omnipotus so, you're stuck with The Big Nothing instead)

Oh, the Irony

2010-10-30T14:23:00.000-07:00

So, I've been reading this highly hypocritical (in the sense of me reading it, not of her writing it) blog, entitled "From Atkins to Veganism" - a basic story of an omnivore's conversion.

(I know, I am aware of the name of my blog)

Anyway, I thought this fellow had an interesting take on the subject.

My current stance is that I simply don't "purchase" meat. So, I'll eat it as a party or, at an "all you can eat" situation where it isn't individually priced.

It isn't a perfect values system, but it seems to be pretty good.

Anyway, I like his idea, because it isn't, as he says, binary.

CHAPTER 32: \ of religious proportions.

2010-10-29T13:31:00.000-07:00

Ronald jogged out of the facility holding the STAB which, in turn, was balancing Steve, Wally, and the smoldering remains of Splatch, all of whom, to varying degrees, were in the process of discovering, mostly through trial, error, smoldering-and-doing-nothing, and attempts to use Star Trek problem solving logic, that the Shrink-To-A-Box was a fairly one-sided device, that very likely shrunk things, and, they guessed, required some form of a box.

It didn’t, for example, have a reverse. In fact, it was simply a small metal cube with one large, red button, and an arrow that, one could only assume, had some form of “box and aim” related instructions in alien script written underneath.

“Ummm…” Summed up Steve’s ability to decipher the device’s intricate workings and mechanisms best. Wally seconded with an “Errr….” As they walked around the large (at least from their miniscule perspective) red button, looking for anything even resembling a standard “Just reverse the polarity” switch that ALL science fiction movies had told them would be there.

Steve kicked the side of the button in disappointment. “There isn’t even something to open, with wires that we can splice and put into our wrist watch or something, to…”

“I swear to GOD Steve, if you say ‘reverse the polarity’ ONE MORE TIME…” Wally snapped.

"I... hey. HEY! HEEEEEY!” Steve suddenly hey’d.

“What!?” Wally whatted.

“HEY!!!” Steve yelled, loud enough so that even Ronald looked down from his crouched joggings with a little shush. “I… I’m… I’m having an hypotenuse!"

Wally paused and did the mental, verbal, translational equivalent of the bamboozled Plain-Belly-Sneetches jumping through Sylvester McMonkey McBean’s Star Upon Thars Star Machine™, and took an educated guess.

"…You mean an epiphany?"

"No, no... It’s like a life altering idea!"

"That's an epiphany"

"Well then what's a hypotenuse?"

"That's the longest side of a triangle... remember math 10?"

"Math 10?"

"Sure, A²+B²=C²?"

"Oh.” Steve lied. “…right."

At the mention of math, Steve quickly did his “avoid everyone’s eyes so as to avoid being called upon for anything, anywhere” body posture.

"Soooo anyway…” Wally prompted, “…what was your epiphany?"

Steve paused for a moment.

"...huh."

"Well?"

"…I don't remember."

"You had a life altering idea, and you don't remember it?"

"…Nope."

"Nothing?"

"Not a speck."

"You're really something, Steve."

"…'s funny though."

"What?"

"I remember something about oranges again."

CHAPTER 31e: Plotvelopmently

2010-10-27T13:30:00.000-07:00

****

“And… and… I saw you playing with your hackisack in a way most unsporting! And…. Uhh… your face is stupid! And… and I’m pretty sure everyone in prison knows you’ve been Splorfing your Squiggledy-Spooche while thinking of female Garks!” Steve said, desperately trying to keep Splatch embarrassed.

There was a distinct ‘pop’, and then Splatch fell from view. “We’re through!” Wally squealed, donning GAAAAGH!!!! GAAAAGH!! AAAAAHGH!! GRAAARK-kkkkkhhhh…’s carapace-coat, cuffing Steve, and making their way through the hole.

“So, we get out, and you pretend you’ve captured me while trying to escape, get unshrunk so you can step on me, and then, after seeing how the unshrinking process works, you’ll unshrink me, and we can escape?” Steve asked, Plotvelopmently* (To ask a question one normally wouldn’t ask if one wasn’t in a fictional situation. Often seen in sitcoms to set up jokes, or poorly written novels that want to scrunch a bunch of plot together to save time)

“…Yes. We’ve been over this.” Wally said, realistically.

“er, ah… right. Just wanted to be sure.” Steve covered.

As they exited their prison, they suddenly had a scale from which to work from, and saw, just how tiny they really were. Towering above them, appeared to be a pencil eraser about the size of a house, and next to that, a mountain sized chair, and, oddly, tied to said chair, a really-Ronald-sized Ronald. Who, in his Ronadly way, looked down at first the Parasite-ensconced Wally, and then his diminutive accomplice, Steve, and boomed “Hello boys. You’re tiny!”

There was a pause, then, Ronald, decided he’d best continue.

“Thanks for getting rid of that little creep. I was getting a little fed up with him crawling up my nose and driving me around like… well, actually, like these species of parasites that live on Earth… see, they get into snails, and…” Ronald paused, and saw that they weren’t really listening. “…and, well, I’ll tell you later. Shall we escape?”

CHAPTER 31d: Sweet baby comet!

2010-10-26T13:29:00.000-07:00

****

Now I want to be clear, the icy IC was in no way benevolent, or even judgmental; or, if it was, it was, but in the same way that a lot of deities were: Confusingly. For it performed downright miracles along with inexplicable carnage and horrors on all sorts of people, without seeming classification. So, I suppose in theory, it’s possible it HAD a greater plan, or worked in mysterious ways… But it would all seem pretty random to anyone who might be able to measure or monitor its progress.

CHAPTEr 31c: Shorter than a skirt in Japan, these sections...

2010-10-25T13:28:00.000-07:00

****

Wally, Steve, and Splatch had managed to drag GAAAAGH!!!! GAAAAGH!! AAAAAHGH!! GRAAARK-kkkkkhhhh…’s carapace as far as possible, and Splatch had assumed his position upon the wall. “Ready!” He jiggled in excitement.

“Steve?” Wally prompted, “Begin your teasing.”

CHAPTER 31b: Seriously, this whole book was written before even hearing about Douglas Adams

2010-10-24T13:27:00.000-07:00

****

The icy Improbability Comet (coincidentally abbreviating to IC), coincidently continued along its rather coincidental, if irregular, path of entropic skewings. From modifying a scientist’s studies of fungi to produce a new type of chocolate destined to replace the original, to making suicide jumpers get caught in thermal updrafts, its presence was felt throughout the universe as it traveled at seemingly improbably altering speeds.

CHAPTER 31: The Great Escape

2010-10-23T13:27:00.000-07:00

“For the record, I still say this plan is stupid.” Steve stage-whispered to Wally, as they took off in a now-well-practiced crouched run towards their quarry.

“No it isn’t! It’s perfect! Now get to your position!” Wally snapped, most confidently.

Phase one of Wally’s decidedly devious plan was likely going to be the second hardest, assuming they didn’t die in the process (in which case it would definitely be upgraded to hardest)

“NOW!” Wally squealed, as GAAAAGH!!!! GAAAAGH!! AAAAAHGH!! GRAAARK-kkkkkhhhh… slithered beneath them. Steve was first to land on the creature, stabbing at it with a makeshift shiv that he’d created out of his toothbrush. If it caused GAAAAGH!!!! GAAAAGH!! AAAAAHGH!! GRAAARK-kkkkkhhhh… any pain, he didn’t show it.

Snarling at the attack, GAAAAGH!!!! GAAAAGH!! AAAAAHGH!! GRAAARK-kkkkkhhhh… smacked Steve with twenty or so of his arms, whilst he swiveled towards the sound of Wally’s squeal.

“Gnaaaaaggggh!” Wally screamed, (confusingly & accidentally yelling out GAAAAGH!!!! GAAAAGH!! AAAAAHGH!! GRAAARK-kkkkkhhhh…’s former high school sweetheart’s name, greatly confusing him in the process) jumping into his gaping maw and quickly being swallowed.

“Stupid plan, stupid plan, stupid plan!” Steve chanted, dancing around like a lunatic in an effort to draw the huge parasite’s attention.

“Splatch,” Wally said, taking from this backpack the fellow who had, at some point throughout the past while, been identified as not merely a Splatch-a-like, “I know now’s not a good time to mention this, but… I found your midget on frog magazine, and… well, I’m really disgusted.

Splatch shuddered and convulsed, and quickly began burning through his upper levels of skin. As he did so, Wally hurled him to the far side of GAAAAGH!!!! GAAAAGH!! AAAAAHGH!! GRAAARK-kkkkkhhhh…’s stomach, causing Splatch to plasma-burn his way through, neatly hollowing out the behemoth (who, rest assured, let out quite the behemoth-level of a bellow in agonizingly redundant resistance).

“Phase… >cough< phase one, complete” Wally said, crawling out from the parasite’s carapace and collapsing.

CHAPTER 30b: Wally's outer turmoil?

2010-10-21T13:26:00.000-07:00

****

Wally shook his head. This had gone on long enough. The weeks of torture, of beatings and bullyings, of horrible food, of a fearful, passionless, strawberryless existence. “Steve?” He said, grabbing Steve’s shoulder with an air of confidence never before seen.

“Huh? Oh. Uh… Yeah Wally?” Steve replied, a little put off by the sudden change in his demeanor (surprisingly more put off, in this case, than he was by any of the other… changes he’d witnessed)

“We’re breaking out of here, buddy. Come with me.”

Steve shrugged. “Oh. Uh… Ok then.”

CHAPTER 30: Wally’s Inner Turmoil

2010-10-19T13:25:00.000-07:00

His thunderous footfalls echoed throughout, as Insecurity trundled into the arena, his single eye blinking in the spotlights. His huge hairy battle-arms lifted his battle-club up past his battle-shorts as he bellowed his battle-roar, overpowering even the mighty crowd’s cheers. Calmly, he looked over at his partner, and gave him a snarling grunt.

Fear slithered up the side of the arena, returned the grunt with a nod, and burrowed his poisonous stingers through the very ground, and burst them out several feet away like really angry gophers, only scarier... And pointier. (The crowd loved the pre-show antics)

Self confidence circled nervously, his eyes darting between his two opponents while his head tucked as deep into his shell as possible; clutching his dagger in his anxiously sweating palms. The handicap match he always seemed to find himself in, clearly, had been fixed for years.

The audience roared and stood to their feat, as the contest began.

Insecurity got to work right away, catching confidence off guard with a crunching kick. Confidence felt his left rib crack, and, even as he reeled from the pain, Fear took Confidence in his jaws from behind, tossed him, and, as Confidence spun in the air, Fear hit him again with his tail.

Confidence slammed into the arena walls, his vision and hearing blacking out from the impacts, only to return seconds later in a deafening roar of the crowd and the pounding of his own heart.

Confidence struggled to his feet, only to have his left knee buckled by Insecurity’s looping strike. Confidence rolled with the blow, landing on his feet, and managed a weak counter of a similar type. It was weak at best, but it gave him a brief reprieve from the onslaught, and allowed him to gather his strength.

Insecurity roared at the offense, and whirled his stone club doubly hard in return, landing both a crushing blow to Confidence’s head, and, as he circled the strike around, a smashing thud to his chest, launching Confidence up, into the air, just as Fear came down from above, landing on Confidence with all of his weight.

Confidence wheezed, desperately attempting to breathe, to stand, to even just lift his arms. He could feel panic oozing from his every pore as Fear’s poison laced his veins, and the internal bleeding of Insecurity’s crushing blows began to become evident.

Insecurity bellowed his victory to the audience, while Fear signaled the crowd that they were about to finish this charade of a match once and for all.

All was blackness for a moment, as consciousness left Confidence. He was awakened suddenly, not by the thunderous noise of Insecurity’s footfalls, but by the very vibrations they created, shaking him awake like a cheap hotel’s magic fingers bed frame.

“NO!” Confidence squealed, sensing his end was near, and hurling his dagger randomly.

The audience went silent.

Insecurity bellowed in rage, and in pain! Confidence poked his head out from his shell, and saw that his dagger had taken out Insecurity’s only eye!

Confidence saw, for the first time, he had a chance. Broken and battered though he was, there was a time when he’d been a great warrior. If ever… if EVER, there was a time to draw upon that past, it was now.

Now!

Confidence summoned his courage and yelled his own battle cry in anger. The crowed erupted in cheers!

Fear, seeing that for the first time there could be any danger to him whatsoever, shot his tendrils into the ground, and launched them up from underneath Confidence.

Confidence was ready. Like watching the previews to a movie often ruins all the best parts, he’d seen all of their best moves already. Quickly, he shot his hips forward, aligning his shell with the barbed tendrils, snapping their spires with its dense material. Fear screamed in pain and frustration!

Confidence channeled his power, and began to expand and grow! Insecurity lashed out blindly, taking apart the arena and smashing into the crowd, who desperately tried to steer him back into the fray, both for their own entertainment, and self preservation!

Fear struggled to free his entangled tendrils, but failed to do so before the agile Confidence slammed into him with a flying kick to the face!

Fear snarled as he thudded into the ground, freeing his tendrils as he landed, and whipped them into Confidence’s leg.

Confidence grunted from the pain, but quickly jumped onto Fear’s chest, pinning him to the ground! It was his time now! He began reigning blows upon Fear, who seemed unable to defend himself from this position!

Fear’s tendrils lashed blindly into Confidence’s shell, as Confidence thundered his fists into Fear’s head!

There was a huge CRACK! And then, a sudden darkness overtook Confidence. When he awoke, only moments later, he realized that he’d been struck from behind. Insecurity had landed a lucky shot, and had fractured Confidence’s shell with a single, mighty strike.

Confidence realized he was still airborne from the blow, and was about to land! Quickly, he tucked his arms and legs into his shell, and rolled on the ground, popping up seconds later, and turned to face his opponents. Fear was yelling into Insecurity’s ears, telling him where Confidence was!

Insecurity roared, and took off in a blind, thunderous charge, as Fear circled into a flanking position!

Confidence knew what he had to do. It was risky, it was dangerous, and it was his only shot. As he took a limping step forward, he realized that it might prove difficult to convince his body to cooperate with him at all!

Confidence, seeing his moment, grabbed some loose rope from the arena structure, and tossed it into the rafters. Fear was yelling, but the likelihood of Insecurity hearing him through the crowd was doubtful. He would have his element of surprise.

Insecurity thundered closer, Fear approached from the side, and Confidence swung, high into the air! Up, UP he sailed! Over Insecurity, and around behind Fear! Twisting as he did so, he hit the arena wall with a thup, and (yes, a thup) and spun savagely into Fear, using Confidence’s own broken (and thusly fairly pointy) shell as a battering ram! Fear, already weak from the previous barrage, failed to turn in time, and was sent teetering into Insecurity! Insecurity roared in triumph and began hammering victorious blows down upon the nearly instantly pulped Fear!

Confidence wasn’t done yet! Using his momentum, he swung again, landing on Insecurity’s back! He removed the knife from Insecurity’s eye, and brought it down again, and again, and again! Confidence grew from the crowd’s chants. Again and again he brought down Insecurity, in a blind haze of final retribution!

Confidence had won! Confidence had won! The crowd exploded in shocked and amazed cheers of utter revelation! Roses were hurled, coins and virgins tossed, Confidence had won! He raised his hands in victory!

CON-FI-DENCE! CON-FI-DENCE! CON-FI-DENCE!

The crowd was chanting his name! It was finally chanting his name!

Pee wee on broadway

2010-10-19T12:47:00.001-07:00

yeah.

Pee wee's playhouse is a broadway play. With pee wee.

As a play.

On broadway.

You're still reading this? Good job on staying conscious my little buckeroo.