I Got Ten Minutes

Catherine the Great: Whores or Horse, Gets Around

2010-07-26T12:57:00.008-04:00

I don't know a lot about Catherine the Great. To be perfectly honest, the only way I found out her actual name was by typing in "chick who had sex with a horse" on Google. This produced some unsavory results, so I changed the search to "historical chick who had sex with a horse" and all my questions were answered. Let us learn together.

Catherine II, also known as Catherine the Great, born 2 May 1729 as Sophie Friederike Auguste von Anhalt-Zerbst-Dornburg in Stettin, Pomerania, reigned as Empress of Russia from 9 July 1762 until her death (17 November 1796). Under her direct auspices the Russian Empire expanded, improved its administration, and continued to modernize along Western European lines. Catherine's rule re-vitalized Russia, which grew ever stronger and became recognized as one of the great powers of Europe. Her successes in complex foreign policy and her sometimes brutal reprisals in the wake of rebellion (most notably Pugachev's Rebellion) complemented her hectic private life.

Noticing a distinct lack of anything horse related, I read on, albeit disappointed and skipping a lot of boring stuff.

The reign of Peter III and the coup d'état of July 1762

In July 1762, barely six months after becoming the Tsar, Peter committed the political error of retiring with his Holstein-born courtiers and relatives to Oranienbaum, leaving his wife in Saint Petersburg. On 13 July and 14 July the Leib Guard revolted, deposed Peter, and proclaimed Catherine the ruler of Russia. The bloodless coup succeeded;

Bloodless coup? Common guys take the kid gloves off! No wonder there haven't been any movies about this broad featuring Gerard Butler.

Ekaterina Dashkova, a confidante of Catherine who became President of the Russian Academy in 1783, the year of its foundation, seems to have stated that Peter seemed rather glad to have rid himself of the throne, and requested only a quiet estate and his mistress.

"Comrade, I would like my severance of quiet farmland and one bed-buddy." Now, to skip more blah blah blah and get to the juicy stuff...

Personal Life

Catherine, throughout her long reign, took many lovers, often elevating them to high positions for as long as they held her interest, and then pensioning them off with large estates and gifts of serfs.

Fuck I hope serfs are old-school talk for whores/wenches.

After her affair with her lover and capable adviser Grigori Alexandrovich Potemkin ended in 1776, he would allegedly select a candidate-lover for her who had both the physical beauty as well as the mental faculties to hold Catherine's interest (such as Alexander Dmitriev-Mamonov). Some of these men loved her in return, and she always showed generosity towards her lovers, even after the end of an affair. One of her lovers, Zavadovsky, received 50,000 rubles, a pension of 5,000 rubles, and 4,000 peasants in the Ukraine after she dismissed him in 1777. The last of her lovers, Prince Zubov, was 40 years her junior.

Holy shit, that is one quality retirement plan. 40 years? I love when history gets outright slutty.

Orlov

Grigory Orlov, the grandson of a rebel in the Streltsy Uprising (1698) against Peter the Great, distinguished himself in the Battle of Zorndorf (25 August 1758), receiving three wounds. He represented an opposite to Peter's pro-Prussian sentiment, with which Catherine disagreed. By 1759, he and Catherine had become lovers although no one in the know told Catherine's husband, the Grand Duke Peter. Catherine saw Orlov as very useful, and he became instrumental in the July 1761 coup d’état against her husband, but she preferred to remain the Dowager Empress of Russia, rather than marrying anyone.

Grigory Orlov and his other three brothers found themselves rewarded with titles as Counts, money, swords and other gifts. But Catherine did not marry Grigory, who proved inept at politics and useless when asked for advice. He received a palace in St. Petersburg when Catherine became Empress.

"If you don't tell my husband, I'll reward you with fancy political jobs, swords, and shit. Seriously though, you're kind of a dumbass so just pass along all questions and don't do anything."

Potemkin

Grigory Potemkin had involvement in the coup d'état of 1762. In 1772, Catherine's close friends informed her of Orlov's affairs with other women, and she dismissed him. By the winter of 1773 the Pugachev revolt had started to grow threatening. Catherine's son Paul had also started gaining support; both of these trends threatened her power. She called Potemkin for help – mostly military – and he became devoted to her.

I love that even Wikipedia takes a jab at her blatant whorishness. "Mostly military", they may as well have written "both in the bedroom, and out".

Death

Catherine suffered a stroke on 16 November 1796 and died in her bed at 9:20 the following evening without having regained consciousness. Despite an urban myth connecting her death with a sexual incident involving a horse, there is no basis to this story. Catherine was buried at the Peter and Paul Cathedral in Saint Petersburg.

DAMNIT, when I am promised a story about death-by-horsefucking, I want it. Oh well, I learned everything I wanted to know I guess.

Overall I'd say Catherine the Great's life was pretty titillating, but certainly not as involved in dangerous bestiality as I wished it would be. 3/4 because of the mentions of surfing whores.

If you have any suggestions for other interesting or weird Wikipedia articles to write posts on, please e-mail them to igottenminutes@gmail.com

New Format... Again

2010-07-26T11:39:00.003-04:00

Well, after a semi-extensive hiatus, I've decided to bring the site back... on my terms.

*lights table on fire and flips it over*

Anyway, I'm sure there will be changes since I change my mind more than a woman (am I right guys?), but hey, at least the ride will be fun... and if not fun, well wasted.

8-Bit Theater Read-through: 001-010

2010-06-02T09:09:00.005-04:00

Recently, I found out that 8-bit Theater finished its lengthy web comic run at 1225 episodes. I don't think it was recently, (Wiki Check: Ended June 1, 2010, guess it was recently). I liked the comic a ton during my heavy web comic phase and was caught up back when episode 300 was new, but it seems a lot has happened since then.

As a tribute, I've decided to dedicate quite a few posts to reliving my 8-bit experience, going through the entire run and sharing my thoughts throughout. I'm sure I'll enjoy myself, and if I can make just one person aware of the greatness that is 8-Bit Theater, my work here is done.

Read-through Episodes 001-010

Ah, humble beginnings but still chuckle-worthy. It's a simple set-up, but already resembles the comic that it shall be in the future. Some of the one-liners may be lame (actually, quite terrible), but that's part of the charm of the whole experience, seeing how much it's all evolved. It's charming to know that Black Mage was always a little evil, and Fighter always loved swords.

Top Ten Hilarious Credits Related to Adult Entertainment

2010-05-28T18:12:00.005-04:00

In part two of our series, IGTM explores the hilarious credits that accompany any film involving adult entertainers and/or sex workers. As always, we're only allowing one credit per movie, and if you find one that's better post it in the comments.

X) Heavy Metal Hooker 2 - The Mind - Cunty Ballz

IX) Asian Hooker 'German' - From Paris with Love - Yin Hang

VIII) The Erotic Samurai - A Study in the Orientation of Han Sum - G.R. Claveria

VII) Sexy Stud - Clerks II - Zak Knutson
VI) Meth Whore - Breaking Bad - Julia Minesci

V) Patty the Daytime Hooker - My Name is Earl - Dale Dickey

IV) Cyndi The Drive-By Hooker - Keaton's Cop - Claire Applegate

III) A Pimp Named Slickback - The Boondocks - Katt Williams

II) Mahogany Hall Prostitute - Louis - Ritchie Greer

I) Bucky the Crippled Stripper - Reno 911! - Kristina Hayes

Top Ten Hilarious Zombie-Related Credits

2010-05-27T16:51:00.005-04:00

In what is the first of a multi-part series on hilarious credits that actors have on their resumes, IGTM presents you with the best of the Zombie-Related ones. I'm sure there's better ones out there, (my research lasted about as long as my can of Dr. Pepper), so if you find any good ones please post a comment, share the wealth, and stop being such a greedy bitch. As a general rule for this series, I will only allow one credit per movie since some movies have nothing but nonsensical credits. And now, the Top Ten:

X) Banjo Zombie - Zombieland - Chris Burns
IX) Parkour Zombie - Devil's Playground - Zayn Alam
VIII) Pyjama Zombie - Shaun of the Dead - Nick Ewans
VII) Hot Dog Zombie - Survival of the Dead - James Dunn
VI) Chanukah Zombie - Bender's Big Score - Mark Hamill
V) Rock 'N Roll Zombie - Vampire City 2: Rock 'N Roll Zombies from Outer Space - Richie Cobain
IV) Juggling Zombie - The Horror Vault 3 - Oihana Garde
III) Stapler Zombie - Zombie Office - Christopher Davies
II) Lt. Ferenczy Zombie - Re-Animator: 1942 - Conor Timmis
I) Reverend Zombie - Hatchet & Hatchet 2 - Tony Todd

Call the WAAmbulance

2010-05-25T23:30:00.003-04:00

I'll admit that right now in my life, I'm going through quite a transitional phase. I've been doubting my career path, my social circle, and pretty much every decision I've made in the last ten years. Sure, to some this might seem like pointless whining, but then again it is my blog so I can pretty much do whatever I want, fuck you.

See what I did there, I said fuck... on the Internet. Can't get away with that shit in traditional print media.

One thing I've been doing to avoid stumbling into a terrible and angsty depression is work out a bit more doing that BeachBody Insanity workout from that dude from Hip-Hop Abs/P90X. It was pretty intense but I feel it defeated its purpose since afterwards I was so drained and hungry that I feasted all day.

I also think I'm going to attempt a beard, since I've never had the ability/time to grow real facial hair before, but secretly I just want a full beard so I can shave it into an amazing mustache.

Ah well, it's always good to know that no matter how down I feel these days, if my primary concern still has to do with hilarious mustaches, nothing THAT bad must be going on in my life. At least I'm not Benjamin Bratt or something.

I'm Back... I Guess

2010-05-25T09:11:00.004-04:00

Well, after a brief/long/no one cares hiatus, it appears that I'm back (yay). The site will undergo a lot of format changes in the next few weeks/days/whenever I get lazy, and I'm sure everyone cares just a little bit. This is happy news though, Don't you wanna dance or sing or something just reading it?

I've decided to get rid of the daily themed posts as they were becoming an incredible hassle, and not really fun anymore, so I'm back to just putting up whatever content floats my boat. Sort of like this, a post that has no real purpose or meaning, just me typing. Ah, refreshing.

Sorry People, I'm On Haitus

2010-05-05T15:50:00.003-04:00

Well, as it turns out I'm just a human, and as a human I can have lots of things on my plate. Right now, this plate is particularly full, so I need to get eating, so I'll be indefinitely taking a break from posting on here.

Don't cry little ones, it's not your fault (it totally is), but if everything goes to plan, I'll be showering the most faithful of you with hookers and blow. Wish me luck ;)

Ladies, I'll Never Judge You By The Company You Keep

2010-05-03T19:04:00.004-04:00

Monday Maidens

I had never heard of Anna Kendrick before I saw Up In The Air, (why would I have? I don't did on sparkling vampires), but that performance certainly caused me to take notice. Not only because she's a cutie, although that was the initial reason, but she's actually a damn good actress too. Her delivery was nearly perfect, and I felt she carried the portion of the film she was in. Up In The Air only worked because all of the actors brought that layer of authenticity to their performances, and Anna's was one of the most important in the whole movie. Sure, she was in Twilight and that means she must be hated upon, but she's so damn innocent and adorable. I suggest we get her a pass just this once.

The other maiden today is none other than Isla Fisher, AKA Mrs. Borat. Quite the hilarious woman in her own right, a lot of people give her bonus points for being married to Sasha Baron Cohen. In some ways I suppose that's true, but I'm almost tempted to hold that against her. Sure, it's a sign that she has a good sense of humor, but that's already obvious from her comedic performances. Yes, he might be the world's most famous troll, but she is one awesome babe. If this is what trolls are taking home, I need to start hanging out under more bridges. PS: Watch Hot Rod. She's really not in it that much, but the movie is an underrated masterpiece.

They Don't Make Funny Like They Used To

2010-05-02T09:39:00.008-04:00

Things of Awesome

I've always been a sucker for books by comedians. People erroneously assume they can't be talented writers, which is stupid as hell considering they're famous because of their ability to write jokes. It's not like they're athletes.

When handled in a candid way, these books make me feel like I'm getting to know the person behind the entertainer, and it's refreshing to know that even our heroes have struggled with everyday problems too.

In the last year I've read autobiographies from classic comedians Don Rickles and Rodney Dangerfield. The books have a similar format (a slightly chronological collection of stories), but these two take a different approach for presenting their worlds.

Rickles' Book is a nostalgic tour through entertainment history, and a fascinating look at the dilemmas of being the world's most lovable insult comic. Frequently imitated, but never trumped, the book makes it obvious that Rickles is a one-of-a-kind entertainer, and anyone should be jealous of the way he's managed to live his dream. The stories are amazing, although considering he was pretty tight with Frank Sinatra this shouldn't be surprising.

Dangerfield's book is MUCH more surprising, and although I'm not sure how I feel about it, certainly a good read. Rodney's life seems a lot more sombre, and although he was loved my many, his journey was certainly not an easy one. The book is quite inspirational since he never gave up on his dream, but holy hell some of his stories were just... weird. Dangerfield does talk a lot more about drug use and the seedier sides of the entertainment business, so you could call it more realistic, but how realistic was Rodney's life to begin with?

I certainly enjoyed Rickles' book more, but both are interesting reads if only for the different versions of showbiz they present. Plus you can't forget that they're two of the funniest people who ever existed, and their books certainly remind you that there will never be another comedian quite like either of them.

Humanity Has No Hope, Look At The Bones!

2010-05-01T11:00:00.002-04:00

Animal News Saturday

The first assault happened without too much publicity. Hell, humanity didn't even realize we had entered a war until it was too late. Did we learn nothing from cartoons? No knowledge gained from Month Python? Our best and brightest tried to warn us, but as usual, the masses continued on their daily routines and ignored their cries. Now, it might be too late.

To those of you unfamiliar with the news, rabbits have taken over an island in Scotland. Yeah, it sounds sort of cute and hilarious, but these guys have managed to do some serious damage, and they don't even have access to ACME supplies yet...

"they’re burrowing into an ancient Iron Age funeral mound, destroying foundations, and eating the gardens that the island’s 20-odd residents depend on for sustenance."

They have their own island now? Why is no one else terrified? Isn't this how Australia got started?

Yeah, everyone likes rabbits, but we shouldn't be so naive as to dismiss this news as fluff. The media has trained us to ignore the rabbit threat and look upon these furry bastards favorably: Bugs was funny, Jessica was a babe, and Thumper got lots of tail. What's not to love?

Let's just take a moment and remember all of the rabbit assholes, shall we? Remember that serial killer from The Holy Grail? Or that mind-fuck artist from Donnie Darko? The torturous Duracell bunny?

Enough is enough. This aggression cannot stand, and I say we all suit up with our lucky rabbit's feet, and hunt these sons of bitches down. Today, humanity shall unite, and tonight we shall dine on rabbit stew... FOR SCOTLAND!!!!

"James Cameron To Film 3D Movie on Mars?"

2010-04-30T11:00:00.000-04:00

Link Out Friday

1) Bravo's 100 Scariest Movie Moments: Watched, Reviewed and Completed (The Horror Digest)

2) A Nightmare on Elm Street Drinking Game (Movie Cynics)

3) James Cameron To Film 3D Movie on Mars? (/Film)

4) A Man's Guide to Drunk Texting (Sloshspot)

5) The 20 Most Badass Action Movie Quotes (Guyism)

"Protip: If you have diarrhea, avoid smelling pepper."

2010-04-29T09:55:00.003-04:00

Thursday Twittles

@AyhamTamari : Today is my birthday. I turn 27 years old. I turn the machinery around an axis.

@myaltered_ego : Sorry I haven't tweeted in a few days. Been busy SAVING LIVES! But continue to eat bunt cake and judge from your pedestal.

@dcwilhite : Protip: If you have diarrhea, avoid smelling pepper.

@abigvictory : I have officially declared today Make Fun of Nickelback Day. So, carry on as normal.

@keithland : My Goal used to be to make a sex tape with my girlfriend, now its for her to let me live tweet all the action

20 Terribly Awesome Blaxploitation Titles

2010-04-28T07:41:00.005-04:00

Pop Cultatron Wednesdays

Considering the success of last week's list, 2o Terribly Awesome Film Titles, I decided to work on a follow-up consisting of blaxploitation titles. If you're not sure what blaxploitation is, Urban Dictionary calls it, "Movie highlighting the differences between races. The star is black, and will constantly make jokes about whites. Funny for any race to watch". Yeah, I guess that cuts it. Just to make something clear though, I'm not condoning the racism. It's awesome just how offensive these titles could get, although there is a disappointing lack of the term "honky".

20) Coonskin
19) Dolemite
18) Sheba, Baby
17) Black Mama, White Mama
16) Watermelon Man
15) The Monkey Hu$tle
14) The Spook Who Sat By the Door
13) I'm Gonna Git You Sucka
12) Get Nigger Rich on Number 666 (reissue title)
11) Thomasine & Bushrod
10) Disco Godfather
9) Vampiyaz
8) Come Back, Carleston Blue
7) Darktown Strutters
6) Othello, the Black Commando
5) Cornbread, Earl and Me
4) The Legend of Nigger Charley
3) Five on the Black Hand Side
2) Cotton Comes to Harlem
1) Gayniggers from Outer Space

Up, Down, Left, Right, Hold A, Start

2010-04-27T08:10:00.004-04:00

Tape Deck Tuesday

I used to be comfortable referring to myself as a gamer. I played a lot of video games, and I was good at most of them, but these days I don't feel like I have the joystick cred to pull it off. Since I don't own a current-gen console, I'm terribly out of the loop on modern gaming and the various "benefits". Sure they have higher production values, actual plot, and impeccable graphics, but I still think older games had more soul.

Remember back when games used to have ACTUAL codes? The kind you enter by pressing buttons in a certain order, which in turn give you access to some debug menu, level select, or the ever popular sound test. Who the hell likes the sound in a 16-bit game enough to play through it over and over again?

It might just be me, but I feel like a lot of modern games just don't get it. I don't want to beat a game in fifteen hours on my first play-through. I want a game where you die three times in the opening level, and you don't have that "training mission" bullshit. Games should reward quick reflexes, hand-eye coordination, and perfect timing. Newer ones just feel like the only skill you need is patience, and your reward is a cutscene that takes longer than the whole level did.

Obviously there are some modern games that do have the feel and spirit of older ones, but my impression is that these aren't the majority. Instead companies seem to be focusing on the casual gamer demographic, pumping out a million versions of Rockband and flooding the market with generic shooters that can be beaten in an afternoon.

These games have value, but they don't have heart. They're useless, but I still miss high scores and having lives. I miss shitty debug codes that wear out their entertainment value in four minutes. I miss being amazed at the creativity and invention that got squeezed out of a system with four buttons. I miss actually reading the instruction manual just to figure out what the plot of a game was. Most of all, I think I just miss games that stay fun past the first play.

The Lovely Ladies of Gervais Comedy

2010-04-26T11:00:00.002-04:00

Monday Maidens

Only recently did I start watching The Office (US), and I'm disappointed in myself for denying myself laughs for this long. Not only is it funny, but it's incredibly well made and everyone involved really hits it out of the park. The other selling point is miss Jenna Fischer, who makes me feel like I'm climbing the rope in gym class...

The Office reminds me of everything I really loved about Extras, including Ashley Jensen, who plays the most delightfully charming, innocent, moron you've ever encountered. It takes an amazing balance for that character to be anything but enraging, but it was totally nailed in terms of acting and writing. But she's pretty cute, which makes the recurring joke about her less-than-appealing looks all the more hilarious.

It takes special comedic talent to nail characters created by Gervais, and these women are no exception. They might not be able to compete with my dream gal Lucille Ball, but they're much more appealing than some empty-headed plastic skank. Unless of course she has a dream house and hot-pink limousine. Under those conditions, bimbos are totally allowed.

Ten Podcasts I Can't Get Enough Of

2010-04-25T13:02:00.003-04:00

Things of Awesome

I only got on the podcast wagon recently, but I've heard that things are better late then never, unless you're talking about herpes. If you don't know what a podcast is, I was going to think up a hilarious definition, but lets see what the good people at Urban Dictionary have provided for us first:

1) podcast - An online audio blog. Term invented by Adam Curry. A broadcast file which is commonly downloaded on an iPod or other MP3 hardware for mobile listening. Can also be played directly from your computer.

BORING, lets find one with a little more spice.

2) podcast - Another example of apple trying to brand everything with their name. It's a fucking MP3. Nothing more.

A step in the right direction, but it doesn't really inform. Let's try one more.

9) Podcast - An .mp3 file recorded in the style of a talk radio broadcast. Coined originally by Apple when they began offering a free "have your own Internet radio show" service through iTunes. Popular podcasts range from "Mugglecast" to "Catholic Insider".

I think that about takes care of it, although these definitions still don't sound appealing. I like to think of podcasts as talk-radio style shows that are uncensored and don't have to bend to lame network demands. Most are free, few have commercials, and a ton of them are worth your time.

These are the ones I regularly listen to, so don't get all pissy if I didn't mention your favorite. I probably haven't listened to it yet, or maybe *GASP*, I have an opinion that differs from yours.

Here's my Top Ten accompanied by one of the iTunes reviews:

10) Movies You Should See

"At times hilarious, at times sad, but always engrossing. Movies viewed through the eyes of average, but very intelligent moviegoers. Simply the most entertaining podcast. Period"

9) Jordan, Jesse, Go!

"Jordan and Jesse are a couple of guys with a silly, snarky sense of humour. The show is mostly just them chatting, with enough structure to keep things on the rails most of the time. Funny guests, goofy themes and charming musical punctuation are icing on the cake."

8) Nobody Likes Onions

"Been listening to this one since it started. If you like edgy comedy you will enjoy this pod. I want Patrick in my mouth now."

7) The Nerdist

"Great podcast that gives an inside look into the comic's persona. The guests are entertaining and opinionated, which always makes for good radio. Worth a listen whether or not you get obscure humour."

6) Comedy Film Nerds

"I come for the witty movie-centric banter, but I stay for Chris Mancini's laugh. Great podcast...highly recommended."

5) Film Sack

"This podcast makes me embarrassed, especially when I'm snickering to myself like a homeless insane person while listening to it on public transit. Certainly the best/weirdest movie podcast I've come across."

4) SModcast

"One of the best, uncut, nonsensical pieces of entertainment I've ever had the pleasure of hearing. I could listen to Kevin and Mos talk about nothing all day long."

3) Stop Podcasting Yourself

"Great dynamic between the 2 hosts, hilarious recurring segments and unique integration of listener calls & e-mails make this the best comedy podcast out there. Subscribe and listen to previous episodes, it's truly consistently funny each week."

2) I Love Movies

"Doug Benson does an amazing job of bringing a variety of film and comedy stars to teh podcast to talk about movies. The results are always a zany mix of hijinx which is sure to entertain the listener. If you like movies, comedy, or just great conversation you should check out this podcast."

1) You Look Nice Today

"Original, daring and funny as hell, You Look Nice Today is the greatest comedy podcast you never knew about. It's laced with hidden humor and made up of a cast that always has a story to tell."

Red Pandas: So Cute They're Badass

2010-04-24T19:04:00.005-04:00

Animal News Saturday

Stumbling my way through the Internet I discovered this site here, which informed me about the existence of red pandas. They're from the Himalayas, and cute as hell. Even though they're called pandas, they're not bears. Actually, they look like a fox and a raccoon had a hilarious baby, but they're related to neither of those either.

As it turns out, "they are considered 'living fossils', which means they’re more closely related to animals found in fossils than any living species". I did go to University, so I'm pretty sure that means they're either dinosaurs or pokemon, which is neat.

I'm sure I could learn more about these things from a library, or at least Wikipedia, but I'm afraid it might tarnish my current image of them. I refuse to learn anything else about these little guys, especially because nothing will be more interesting than this: "The people native to the red panda’s region call them 'Wha' after the sound they make". Seriously, how awesome is it that the cutest animal ever, which happens to be some ancient creature, makes that noise? 80% awesome.

Normally I'm not one for cute animals, but these are the coolest things ever. Well, they might be more badass if it turned out they were viscous carnivores or something, but anything this cute couldn't possibly be threatening. Except for potentially having rabies or dancing panda syndrome.

"22 Awesomely Inappropriate Comic Book Covers"

2010-04-23T11:21:00.004-04:00

Friday Link Out

1) 22 Awesomely Inappropriate Comic Book Covers (Maxim)

2) Local Hero Starts Strip Club in His House (Asylum)

3) Suspected Bomb Turns Out To Be Less Harmless, More Pleasurable (FListed)

4) Top Ten Songs About Prostitutes (Gunaxin)

5) 10 Things the Internet Has Killed or Ruined (and 5 Things It Hasn't) (PCWorld)

"'They'll get you in the rear' is still an underutilized tagline."

2010-04-22T11:27:00.003-04:00

Thursday Twittles

1) @michaeljnelson : Earth Day pledge: I will eat fewer dolphins this year.

2) @GaryJBusey : The fact that people use the wrong "your" and "there" yet spell "Bieber" correctly murders me to death. One. Piece. At. A. Time.

3) @JessicaNorthey : I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

4) @forestaken : Wow unemployment lady just laughed at me on phone so hard she dropped the phone

5) @MondoNews : "They'll get you in the rear" is still an underutilized tagline.

20 Terribly Awesome Film Titles

2010-04-21T14:41:00.008-04:00

While doing some research for an article on disturbing movies, I came to a couple conclusions:

1) Japan must be an incredibly gruesome place.
2) There are far to many films that involve eating poop.
3) Jason, Michael, and Freddy are nowhere near as scary as a vagina with teeth.

These epiphanies aside, I also gained a quick appreciation for the amazing movie titles some of these monstrosities settled on. I know some are probably terrible translations, but some of them just seem like failed euphemisms for something about the butt. Here's twenty of my favorites. There's probably more, but if I found all of them, it would give you fine people nothing to do. I'm also not going to count blaxpoitation movies because those titles are funny enough to deserve their own list down the line. I'm not saying racism is funny, but the word "honkey" is. (When you put something in quotes, it makes it non-offensive)

20) Cannibal Ferox
19) Taxidermia
18) Zebadiah the Anthropophagus
17) Bachelor Party 2: Analysis of a Stripper Fight
16) Itty Bitty Titty Committee
15) Nekromantik
14) Strip Nude for Your Killer (US Title)
13) Brunch of the Living Dead
12) The Bird with the Crystal Plumage (US Title)
11) The Magnificent Six and ½: Peewee Had a Little Ape
10) Evelyn: The Cutest Evil Dead Girl
9) Lester's Transit Strike Hobby
8) Kung Fu Master Named Drunk Cat (US Title)
7) Terror Firmer
6) Frankenhooker
5) The Rebirth of Teutonic Lobster
4) Slaughtered Vomit Dolls
3) Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging
2) Carry on Again Doctor or Where There's a Pill There's a Way or The Bowels Are Ringing or If You Say It's Your Thermometer I'll Have to Believe You, But It's a Funny Place to Put It (UK Title)
1) I Killed My Lesbian Wife, Hung Her on a Meat Hook, and Now I Have a Three-Picture Deal at Disney

Damn Do I Miss ALF

2010-04-20T11:46:00.003-04:00

I miss everything about ALF. I miss his sarcasm, I miss his voice, and I especially miss the way be blatant whore for merchandise. Normally I take offense to that degree of selling-out, but c'mon he was ALF! I bought the stuffed doll, the t-shirts, and his brand of cat-seasoning.

They just don't make characters like this guy anymore. Sure, the cat-eating thing gets used a lot, but that level of fluffy smart-assery isn't as mainstream as it once was. It was a simpler time damnit, when aliens were everywhere and if you didn't have you, you were forced to compensate with tiny robots. What happened to these sci-fi sitcoms of yore? Have they all just been turned into cartoons? Invader Zim is solid, but c'mon I want to see hilarious puppets wearing Hawaiian shirts and talking about Gilligan's Island.

Maybe we're due for a resurgence of this type of program, I haven't been keeping track. It's been quite a while since Third Rock from the Sun was on, and Two and a Half Men just isn't cutting it for me anymore. Unless Jake starts dressing up like a furry of course.

The Octagon Ladies Know All The Angles

2010-04-19T18:33:00.008-04:00

To those of you unfamiliar with the beautiful game, mixed martial arts matches of the UFC variety take place in an eight-sided squared-circle known as "The Octagon". Within, grown men beat each other to bloody pulps, or play complicated versions of grab-ass if the fight goes to the ground.

In an effort to confirm that the sport is manly at not at all homoerotic, the UFC employs beautiful women to hold up signs reminding the audience what round it is. These ladies move on to bigger and better things pretty quickly, so without further ado I give you the current crop of Octagon Gals:

NOTE: I would give you more information about them, but they're basically just shapely sign-posts.

Arianny Celeste

Rachelle Leah (Definitely my favorite)

Chandella Powell

So FARKing Awesome

2010-04-18T17:04:00.003-04:00

The easiest way to figure out what's so great about FARK is to check the site out for yourself. It's basically a giant collection of crazy ass news stories that are submitted by users. What makes this site stand out from similar ones are the trademark FARK headlines, which are every bit as hilarious as anything written by The Onion. To show you the type of hilarity I've come to expect from FARK users, here are some of the headlines from the last few days:

Mayor compares himself to Jesus after getting caught peeing on a tree. "Yes two blokes got crucified this week ...and both will most certainly rise from the dead to come back to haunt a few people"

Cuban cigar legend dies at 91. Will be cremated slowly over an after-dinner glass of brandy

Japanese man goes full retard after his dad cancels internet

Okay, got the pasta done. What's next in the recipe..."add salt and freshly ground black people." WHAT?

Just a reminder to hipsters on Fark, today is Record Store Day. But you knew that before everyone else did, and didn't need a reminder, and now it's so not cool anymore, which makes it cool. Ironic tag is here for appearances

Do yourself a favor, if you want to check out some news, or kill five minutes, incorporate FARK into your regular Internet rotation.

Bolivian Animals Hit By Struggling Economy

2010-04-17T11:45:00.007-04:00

In a move that is sure to please animal rights activists, Bolivia recently imposed a ban upon circus animals. One would think this would be a good news for the furry little guys, but how are they supposed to bring home the figurative bacon? With the country full of unemployed critters, the Bolivian government's cutbacks seem far from benevolent.

See guys, the economy is hitting everyone hard and these animals just don't have what it takes to be hired anywhere else. They're mostly middle-aged with no real-world experience, and employers are looking for people right out of school. I suppose some could go the Robin route and turn their circus training into crime fighting, but last I checked that doesn't pay the bills either... unless you're a policeman or something.

So spread the word everyone! If you see a Bolivian animal that happens to be juggling and/or smoking, try and give it some work or a sandwich. Remember, circus monkeys are people too... more or less.