Articulate and Bright and Clean and a Nice-Looking Guy

Friday Confessional for 10/17/2008

2008-10-17T12:55:27Z

Hey austincommunity ,

Seriously, are you going out there? In this blizzard?! When I need your help around the ranch? Where is it you think you're headed to this weekend? Make sure you bring a scarf as you'll catch your death of cold! My Farmer's Almanac says that temperatures may get into the MID FIFTIES, so be careful! I love you! Bring me back a shirt!

Oh, though I know what you're doing next weekend, simply because I demand it.

I always feel it's redundant to post links that have already been on BoingBoing

2008-07-12T02:47:41Z

.... but I figured there might be some people on my friends list who haven't seen Mikhail Gorbachev slaying commie zombies with his bitchin' axe.

Today's movie meme (reposted because the LJ cut screwed it up)

2008-07-09T12:45:59Z

Boldface the ones you've seen
Underline the ones you own (I didn't do this because I'm lazy and I don't own many of these)
** the ones that would make your own "New Classics" list
Heather's idea: Strikeout the ones that offend your sensibiities

1. Pulp Fiction (1994) **
2. The Lord of the Rings trilogy (2001-03)
~~3. Titanic (1997)~~
4. Blue Velvet (1986)
5. Toy Story (1995) **
6. Saving Private Ryan (1998) **
7. Hannah and Her Sisters (1986)
8. The Silence of the Lambs (1991) **
9. Die Hard (1988) **
10. Moulin Rouge (2001) **
11. This Is Spinal Tap (1984)**
12. The Matrix (1999)**
13. GoodFellas (1990)**
14. Crumb (1995)
15. Edward Scissorhands (1990) **
16. Boogie Nights (1997) **
17. Jerry Maguire (1996)
18. Do the Right Thing (1989)
19. Casino Royale (2006)
20. The Lion King (1994) **
21. Schindler's List (1993) **
22. Rushmore (1998)
23. Memento (2001) **
24. A Room With a View (1986)
~~25. Shrek (2001)~~
26. Hoop Dreams (1994)
25. Aliens
28. Wings of Desire (1988)
29. The Bourne Supremacy (2004)**
30. When Harry Met Sally... (1989) **
31. Brokeback Mountain (2005)**
32. Fight Club (1999) **
33. The Breakfast Club (1985)
34. Fargo (1996) **
35. The Incredibles (2004) **
36. Spider-Man 2 (2004) **
37. Pretty Woman (1990)
38. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) **
39. The Sixth Sense (1999) **
40. Speed (1994)
41. Dazed and Confused (1993)
~~42. Clueless (1995)~~
43. Gladiator (2000)
44. The Player (1992)
45. Rain Man (1988) **
46. Children of Men (2006)
47. Men in Black (1997)
48. Scarface (1983)**
49. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)
50. The Piano (1993)
51. There Will Be Blood (2007)**
52. The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad (1988)
53. The Truman Show (1998) **
54. Fatal Attraction (1987)
55. Risky Business (1983)
56. The Lives of Others (2006)
57. There’s Something About Mary (1998)
58. Ghostbusters (1984) **
59. L.A. Confidential (1997) **
60. Scream (1996)
61. Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
62. sex, lies and videotape (1989)
63. Big (1988)**
64. No Country For Old Men (2007)**
65. Dirty Dancing (1987)**
66. Natural Born Killers (1994)
67. Donnie Brasco (1997)
68. Witness (1985)
69. All About My Mother (1999)
70. Broadcast News (1987)
71. Unforgiven (1992)**
72. Thelma & Louise (1991
73. Office Space (1999) **
74. Drugstore Cowboy (1989)
75. Out of Africa (1985)
76. The Departed (2006)**
77. Sid and Nancy (1986)
78. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)**
79. Waiting for Guffman (1996)
80. Michael Clayton (2007)
81. Moonstruck (1987)
82. Lost in Translation (2003)**
83. Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn (1987)
84. Sideways (2004)
85. The 40 Year-Old Virgin (2005)**
86. Y Tu Mamá También (2002)
87. Swingers (1996)**
~~88. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)~~
89. Breaking the Waves (1996)
90. Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
91. Back to the Future (1985) **
92. Menace II Society (1993)
93. Ed Wood (1994)**
94. Full Metal Jacket (1987) **
95. In the Mood for Love (2001)
96. Far From Heaven (2002)
97. Glory (1989)
98. The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999)
~~99. The Blair Witch Project (1999)~~
100. South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut (1999) **

Dear Internet, I made you a mixtape.

2008-05-23T21:07:55Z

This is pretty nifty website:
http://bemistape.muxtape.com/

Lord, have MRSA on me.

2008-05-21T22:56:55Z

Dear MRS. A,

Thanks for giving me my third to last day of work off! Because of your assistance I was able to get some moving errata accomplished and a full twelve hours of sleep. That said, I'd like to take you to task for a few things.

The extraordinary fever. I felt like the HUMAN TORCH.
The body aches and chills. It was very difficult to decide whether the fan should be off or on. Terrible.
The throbbing. Oh, the throbbing.
The oozing hole in my body. Also, six band-aid changes a day? Come on, now.
The detergent bodywash I get to start using in a couple of days. It cost me thirty dollars and is probably going to sting!
The weirdness that going back to work is going to be tomorrow, what with me being very behind on all the things and, oh yeah, them knowing that I've been with you. They all saw that 60 Minutes episode about the football players and they are FREAKED!

In closing, it's been nice knowing you, but I think it's time we went our separate ways. I anticipate dousing you in a chemical bath soon. Please, stop the oozing.

Regards,
John Smith

I'll save this for posterior. And Space Chimps must die!

2008-05-20T01:46:27Z

I'll spare you the gory details of my super-minor SURGERY (so minor it required thirty seconds of planning, a local anesthetic and a lot of gauze... in fact, click here if you want to see how much gauze).

BUTT I'll say this:

As the doctor (possibly my favorite, lifetime) is coming in I tell him "Man, am I going to make your day or what!" This was a joke because of where the the problem was located.

"Nah, not unless you've got a tick on the head of your penis, because that's what I was just doing over there," he said, pointing through the wall and at what I have to imagine was an unhappy male hiker.

During the procedure he kept pushing there brochures on me about the clinic and suggested I bring them to work. Despite that, if I were staying in Salisbury I would only ever go to that doctor.

-----------

In other news, when I signed up for press credentials for the New York Comic Con (which I did not attend this year) my email was given to every publicist working in genre TV, movies, comic books and video games. In the run up I was getting five or six pitches a day, some of which (especially the interviews) I would have actually looked at taking advantage were I there. Now that the show is long since past I haven't gotten any.... until tonight. This was for a movie and videogame called, yes, Space Chimps.

"We’d love to work with you on any continuing coverage, previews, rounds up, etc. you may have planned coming up; looking at this summer’s big films, seems like sci-fi is going to represent a huge market – X-Files, Wall-e, etc. But what could be more appealing than combining space travel with monkeys?"

Indeed. Man, I could do that.

----------------------

Hey, anyone familiar with THE CONTAINER STORE? As in, acceptable for a temp job?

How would you caption this photo?

2008-05-15T19:44:29Z

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that wudn't shit."

I'm keeping this one on file.

2008-05-13T22:45:58Z

Dear Sir or Madam,

I would like to be considered for the narcotics trafficker position listed on Craigslist on May the 13th. After reviewing my resume you may conclude that my experience designing marketing materials for the largest bar on the East Coast might not qualify me to carry baggies of powder cocaine in my rectum. However, I have three very important points to make that could change your mind.

I have a great work ethic. I haven't taken a full sick day in over three years and I don't plan to anytime soon. When I'm trafficking your drugs I promise you that from supplier to nose, they will be my top priority, morning, noon and night.
I have some connections in the comic book industry. They are notorious coke fiends, didn't you know? Coke and whores.
I would kill my best friend for a thousand dollars. That's no hyperbole. I would kill my best friend for a thousand dollars. Imagine what you could do with a man like that in your organization. For one thing, I'd be excellent for mice and termite control.

Mr Rivera, I know you have many candidates for this position but I want you to take a chance on me. I promise that your coke to cash ratio will skyrocket when you let me handle things-- just give me two weeks! I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
John Smith

Starman: Dry Cleaner!

2008-05-13T01:52:06Z

Hola!

2008-05-12T01:46:27Z

IN CASE YOU HADN'T HEARD

Ms. Jessica Myer and I are relocating to Austin, Texas in early June. The last day I will be in Maryland is Saturday, May the 31st, where we'll be saying adios at Plaza Tapatia at 7pm and then, later that night, Breaktime. If you're able to stop by, please, please do.

My schedule is about to be a lot more open, so hopefully I'll get a chance to update this a bit more often than I have in the last three or four years.

FAMOUSSSSSSS!

2008-03-22T12:38:30Z

My buddy Cory (wshcaps ) tracked this down.

Read the first two paragraphs of this article (short):
http://tech.msn.com/security/article.aspx?cp-documentid=6535094&icid=tg6535094&GT1=40000

which appears to refer to:

http://profiles.friendster.com/281101

Ahhh, memories. I feel no shame. In fact, my favorite part of my profile has to be writerbear81, who comments "I've always wanted to fuck John in the ass. I think he'd like it, too."

RADIAL HILARITY #1

2008-03-04T02:17:45Z

These are more short and simple ones-- that way we can spread them
throughout the show and/or pick and choose amongst the best produced
ones.

If he's available, have Tyler record this intro. If not, I'll do it when I come in:
(in a 1940s radio announcer voice) It's time for 'NOW YOU KNOW' with BUG!
and then add this separately-- 'CAMPAIGN 2008 EDITION!'

1. Senator Hillary Clinton has been trying to recapture the youth
vote from Cuban Ambassador Fidel Obama by showing off her musical
abilities-- check out this mean cut of her performing in Brownsville,
Texas on Sunday! [play five or ten seconds of this clip
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBGIQ7ZuuiU) where the singing
starts.] Wowwww! And now you know!!!

2. I read an email that said Barry Obama is a closet Hindu. And that
the Hindus worship all birds, including the eagle? [sad] And that
means you'd never be able to eat an eagle ever again... [excited
again] and now you know!

3. Did you ever consider the possibility that the Clintons are a
two-headed demon beast? Don't believe me? Have you ever seen Hillary
Clinton and Bill Clinton in the same place at the same time? Okay,
but did you notice they shared the same body, and that they had a tail
and talons? Now you know!

4. You know who a handsome man is? That George Clooney. And now you know!

5. I once had a dream that Barack Obama and me went fishing, and he
reeled in a giant porpoise, but it had the face of Lassie the dog.
That porpoise was the best friend a boy could ever have. And
President Hillary Clinton killed it with her fishing boat. And now
you know!

6.

Hot babes at 969-6969

2008-02-25T10:06:56Z

After perhaps the most exhausting day of travel of my life and a five hour nap, I hit the Vegas strip with my two girlfriends for the night, Durese and Christine (perhaps the greatest roulette player ever). Here's some travel photos.

Also, it's not sexy, but video poker is my game. I probably gambled three or four hours today and, including meals and tips, have spent maybe forty bucks total. Cheapest expensive vacation day ever.

Snake coughs up entire hippo.

2007-05-05T19:44:41Z

This video is worth watching, just don't do it while you're digesting lunch.

Don't ever tell a John Boa Constrictor what he can't eat!

stupidis @ 2007-04-29T20:39:00

2007-04-30T00:49:12Z

I'm not much of a conspiracy theorist, but I do like to have an open mind. One of the 9/11 arguments that seems to get a great amount of play is the idea that the planes' jet fuel (!) couldn't have melted the steel in those buildings. Popular Mechanics did a great piece debunking the 9/11 myths that explained it didn't need to melt the steel, just weaken it.

Anyway, I was reminded of the whole thing reading about this tanker crash in Oakland:

OAKLAND, California (AP) -- A heavily traveled section of freeway that funnels traffic off the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge collapsed early Sunday after a gasoline tanker truck overturned and erupted into flames, authorities said.

Flames shot 200 feet in the air and the heat was intense enough to melt part of the freeway and cause the collapse, but the truck's driver walked away from the scene with second-degree burns.

No other injuries were reported.

"I've never seen anything like it," Officer Trent Cross of the California Highway Patrol said of the crumpled interchange.

"I'm looking at this thinking, 'Wow, no one died -- that's amazing. It's just very fortunate."

Authorities said the damage could take months to repair, and that it would cause the worst disruption for Bay Area commuters since the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake damaged a section of the Bay Bridge itself.

Friday Confession to Dick Shawn

2007-04-27T19:44:15Z

He doesn't look like an angry man, but understand: Dick Shawn wants to hurt you. You've been bad, verrrry bad this week. Time to confess.

Kirk Cameron vows to prove existence of God

2007-04-26T20:23:21Z

http://www.christiannewswire.com/news/385522925.html

ABC to Air LIVE Atheist Debate with Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort

Contact: Mark Spence, 562-920-8431 ext. 304, mark@livingwaters.com

MEDIA ADVISORY, April 26 /Christian Newswire/ -- After ABC ran a story in January about hundreds of atheists videotaping themselves blaspheming the Holy Spirit, best-selling author Ray Comfort contacted the network and offered to prove God's existence, absolutely, scientifically, without mentioning the Bible or faith. He and Kirk Cameron (co-hosts of an award-winning Christian TV program) challenged the two originators of the "Blasphemy Challenge" to a debate on the existence of God. According to Comfort, he and Cameron (an ex-atheist) are qualified to debate on the subject. Comfort had not only written a book titled "God Doesn't Believe in Atheists", but had spoken at Yale on the subject of atheism, and been flown by American Atheists, Inc., to their 2001 annual convention to be a platform speaker.

ABC loved the idea, and will host a debate in New York City on May 5, 2007. Moderated by Martin Bashir, the debate will be streamed LIVE on their website and will also be filmed for "Nightline."

Cameron ("Growing Pains" sitcom and Left Behind movies) will speak on what he believes is a major catalyst for atheism: Darwinian evolution. The popular actor stated, "Evolution is unscientific. In reality, it is a blind faith that's preached with religious zeal as the gospel truth. I'm embarrassed to admit that I was once a naïve believer in the theory. The issue of intelligent design is extremely relevant at the moment. Atheism has become very popular in universities--where it's taught that we evolved from animals and that there are no moral absolutes. So we shouldn't be surprised when there are school shootings. Cameron will also reveal what it was that convinced him that God did exist.

"Most people equate atheism with intellectualism," Comfort added, "but it's actually an intellectual embarrassment. I am amazed at how many people think that God's existence is a matter of faith. It's not, and I will prove it at the debate - once and for all. This is not a joke. I will present undeniable scientific proof that God exists.

"But," Comfort continued, "there is something more sinister here than a few people not believing in God. Why would so many be so bitter against Christianity in particular? Why aren't they making videos that blaspheme Buddha or Mohammed or Ghandi? We made our own video clip and posted it on www.Hollywoodblasphemy.com to expose why."

Comfort and Cameron co-published The Evidence Bible and they have an online Bible School with more than 8,500 students. Both the Bible and the school train Christians on how to prove the existence of God and how to refute the theory of evolution. According to recent polls 12% of Americans do not have a belief in a Higher Power, up from 8% in 1987 (that group includes agnostics). In Europe the rise of atheism and agnosticism is stunning, where according to a Zukerman study, in Sweden as many as 85% of the population are non-believers, Japan 65%, France 54% and in Britain 44% do not believe in God.

The mean streets of Gotham...

2007-04-26T14:11:23Z

This is probably the best movie I have ever seen. You owe it to yourself to take six minutes out of your day to watch it.

Funnier than expected.

2007-04-20T22:54:25Z

------
Anyone going to Hot Fuzz tonight? I'll be at the 10pm showing.

Friday Confession to Rick McBeef

2007-04-20T22:45:14Z

"FRANKLY, I don't give a shit what they say. They can all go fuck themselves f'r all I care. It's fo-twenty, it's like my NATIONAL HOLIDAY! Time to get my weed on!"

You know you've sinned. I know you've sinned. It's been a strange few days. Now that the weekend is here, you need to confess your sins. APOLOGIZE. Who better to do that to... than to Rick McBeef.

Enjoy your 4/20, hippies.

The life of a phone sex operator.

2007-04-19T20:43:40Z

From Fark.com

http://www.ctnow.com/custom/nmm/hartfordadvocate/hce-hta-0405-ht15nc1phone15.artapr05,0,4878379.story?coll=hce-headlines-ha-advocate

"With a fast Internet connection you can find a phone chat job in under a minute. I signed on with a company that runs psychic hotlines and straight and gay sex lines for men. After filling out the online application I got an e-mail telling me it was being processed, and meanwhile here’s the pay scale, job requirements and password to a restricted Web site where I could print out an employee handbook."

It's in Snow Hill, Maryland, by the way.

2007-04-18T21:26:32Z

---
By the way, if you ever happen to lock your keys and cell phone in your car (at the police station, at that!) and you have no cash or pocket change, call Google's new 411 service at 1-800-GOOG-411 and you can get connected to any business for free.

Joost.

2007-04-17T20:40:00Z

Has anyone on here ever heard of Joost, the new internet TV thing from the makers of Skype?

If you have, and you'd like an invite, leave a comment. They are fairly hard to come by.

John Smith Investigates at Breaktime!

2007-04-16T14:29:58Z

Friday Confession to Black Ted Danson

2007-04-13T17:52:37Z

Tell Black Ted Danson how you screwed up this week.
Be very specific.