I have the missing link

Lighthouses and Sunsets

2012-08-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

Life

2012-07-26T16:09:00.000-07:00

"Often times were lazy, it seems to stand in my way cause no not no one likes to be let down"

Sometimes, we dont go for the things we want, the things we think we cant accomplish, the dreams weve always wanted. Often times this is because we are afraid, we dont want to not reach our goals, we dont want to be hurt, we dont want to be let down.

But we often forget, is that you never know what youre capable of until you try. And the journey it takes to get their and trying is worth while it in the end. Obviously the dreams we dream come with obstacles, the things we want arent always easy, because if they were would we want it? would we dream of having it, if we already could? We have to work for the things we want, we have to go through the struggle and the fight, because the struggle and the fight is what shows you who you are.

Unfortunately for many, there is always more that they want, what they have isnt good enough. But I can look at my life and see I have a lot more than i did five years ago, life didnt go the way I intended it, I didnt always choose the best path to go down. But I learned from them, I grew from them, and im in a better place than i was before and i have more than i did before.

Many times we look past the simple beauty that is life, the family and friends that are around us. The happiness that comes out of us, the love that we share. Its easy to see the bad, notice the bad days, think they dont get better but at times people get "addicted to a certain kind of sadness, like resignation to the end." But if we took that negativity and put it behind us, took those struggles and realized that they are reality and we can either face them head on and get through them or let them control us. If we can take the past and keep it their, and focus on now, focus on what is front of you, what you are blessed with i feel peace will come a lot more easier.

Drama will always be their, whether your in junior high, highschool, college, or a grown ass adult. There is always something, and there will always BE something, but forget it. Dont let yourself get so consumed in others and their decisions that you forget about your own beliefs. We wont always agree on the way to live our lives and be happy with what people choose to do, but we cant change what others choose to do but only be happy with what we are doing. Youre life is going to be what you make of it, and if you make it to be negativity and stressful that is all you will see. If you make it loving and carefree you will start to not worry so much and probably feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of you.

Sometimes it takes something truly horrible to happen to make you realize where your life is at. These past 14 months have been the craziest months of my life, but they were needed. I needed to gain my independence back, I needed to realize what I was worth and what I could do. Not every day is easy by any means, but I know that its just a day, I remember the happy days and no they are ten times better than the days that bring me down. I remind myself its just a shitty situation, and a shitty time, but it does get better. And the more good I focus on, the more happiness I get.

I am blessed to be a single mother, I am blessed to have a beautiful 4 year old daughter that has special needs, I am blessed to have a roof over my head, running water, and food to eat. I am blessed to have a family that supports me. I am blessed to have friends that truly love me and have stuck with me through some tough times. I am a blessed 25 year old woman and have more than I could ask for in life.

An Unfortunate Event......

2012-07-24T18:01:00.000-07:00

Help Support Tricia
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When I became a mother of a child with Williams syndrome, I was not sure where to turn. This was a disorder that was quite rare, it wasn't as if I could walk down the street and meet someone who had the same thing. After Skylar was diagnosed I was introduced to a group called WS Support. This group quickly became my best friends and my family.

Although most of us did not live close to each other, the distance did not matter, it was if we were all one. One of the most compassionate people I had the pleasure of getting to know was Tricia Florio Windle. A major advocate for the Williams syndrome association, she was filled with knowledge. She was someone I could turn to for help in anything. She had an open mind, a free spirit, patience of saint, and a heart filled with love. Not a bad word can be spoken about Tricia, as you can ask any mother in our family of Williams, she is one of the best people you will ever have the pleasure of meeting.

Tricia is the mother of three beautiful children, and the wife of an extremely devoted husband. When her youngest son was diagnosed with Williams Syndrome, Tricia sprung into action not only researching, advocating, and filling herself with knowledge but doing so for other families. She didnt want the information only for herself, but for the world to know, for the families in our support group to be informed to. She has spent countless days and hours advocating for the Williams Syndrome Association which has done wonders for our community.

Unfortunately this past Sunday Tricias husband Jay passed away tragically in an accident at home. As a mother I can not fathom what Tricia is going through. I know that all of our Williams families became one a long time ago, and throughout time as we have been introduced to new families. But as a family, we will stick together, there will never be a day that Tricia is alone. She is surrounded by so much love and support, that I hope every night that she lays her head down the she knows even though we dont understand, we will not let her fall. She is not adjusting not only to a life without a husband, but to a life as a single mother to three children, one with special needs. This is in no means easy nor will it be for a little while.

I am writing to ask for support, for prayers, for love, and understanding. The bills she endure from money for medical bills, funeral costs, tuition for her children, school, gas, groceries, electricity simply every day life. She was traumatically forced to have to do this alone and pick up the pieces along the way. It will take some time for Tricia to be back on her feet and to heal. We all know that she is capable of getting through this, and will do so, but through this time we will hold her back up and help her move through day by day. You are an amazing woman, mother, and wife Tricia, we love you more than you can imagine, and I promise we will be there to pick you up each time you fall. I can only hope and pray I can help you in this time of need as you have done for me so many times.

"Tricia has been a tireless advocate and researcher of information that directly benefits our children's lives. As WS parents, many of us grow so close, without ever having met in person. We mourn with her and her family." - Gina Meyers

"When someone we love dies, it seems as if time stands still. And silence... a quiet sadness... often can be felt, not just heard, a longing for one more day... one more word... one more touch... And we may not understand why God chose to have him leave this earth so soon, or why he had to leave before we were ready to say goodbye, but little by little, we will begin to remember not just that he died, but that he lived. And that his life gave us memories too beautiful to forget. We will see him again someday, in a heavenly place where there is no parting. A place where there are no words that mean goodbye." Author Unknown

There is not a day we wont be there if you fall.
(click here to have her back and help her stand tall)

Silent Saturday (Reminiscing)

2012-06-16T10:09:00.000-07:00

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With the weeks that go by sometimes we get good news, sometimes we get bad, sometimes we get none at all. I am sorry I haven't written much, I haven't been able to really form words or put sentences together of what I want to say. I find it much easier to just put up some pictures some of serenity, some of memories, some of life. But a way to express my soul through art rather than words, than the words don't come so easy. Its sometimes easier to appreciate the beauty we see in front of us, than to focus on what is going on around us.

I found some old memory cards and its been fun looking back at old photos, vacations, things I did. Its nice sometimes to reminisce on the good.

Folsom, Louisiana 2009

( i still cant believe it snowed this much in Louisiana)

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Wordless Wednesday

2012-06-13T17:46:00.001-07:00

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Just How Much You Mean To Me

2012-06-12T09:44:00.000-07:00

While lurking the internet, looking at different quotes and poems and sayings. I found one I fell in love with. It instantly reminded me of my Sky Bug <3 I could not find the author unfortunately :(

"You’ll never really know, my dear, Just how much you mean to me, A mother’s love, buried so deep, That only my heart can see. When I sit and really stare at you, All I can do is grin, Somewhere down deep inside, I see myself within. I’d never change a thing in you, I thank God that your so fine, Even when your at your worst, I’m so proud that you are mine. The roads we have traveled, were not always that good, I would take back all the pain you’ve felt, Only if I could. I know that I’m not perfect, It’s the best that I can do, But everyday, I thank the lord, For a daughter as special as you."

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New Orleans, La

2012-06-11T12:25:00.000-07:00

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Check out Jessica Lynn Photography

2012-06-09T17:21:00.001-07:00

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Sunsets and Sailboats

2012-06-08T15:28:00.000-07:00

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In a Simple Place

2012-06-06T14:50:00.000-07:00

Life has been what I have been making it lately to say the least. But I'm making it a good thing, and that feels good. I feel like I am getting back to myself, to who I really am, who I enjoy to be regardless of what others think, back to who I forgot that I was and loved...

I've taken the past year of my life and pretty much just organized it into what it was. What had happened, what had become of it, where I am now, what I learned, and what I move forward with. Its almost completely washed away. The feeling of the weight, the pressure, the unknown, the fear, its rarely there and close to being gone. I can feel it, and it feels good.

Ive taken the past year and learned, we really have no idea what our future holds, we dont even know what tomorrow holds, or the next hour for that matter. Yea we can do some planning, but you cant plan the inevitable you cant plan something you didn't know was coming. But either way it comes, and it is what it is. What can we possible do about it?

Well I can tell you one thing, I spent a lot of time crying, feeling helpless, lost, emotional, sad, frustrated, scared, and the beginning was the worst. I never thought Id get to the point in my life where Id just be ok. To not be able to constantly think about things that happen, to not worry about the things that happen, to actually take the things that happened and put them completely out of my life. They were not my doing, I did not cause them, I did not do it, its not my problem. No its not always easy, yea it hurts. But I look at it this way, we can only make the day as bad as it is. No matter what may happen, what other stressors may come into your life, what others may do to hurt you, only you have control over how you react.

Because I mean lets be honest, as shitty as the day may seem, as hard as it may look to over come, you will. We've been through tough times before, we've been hurt, and its always the worst, and we've always never felt like this before; but we have. Just focus on the better days to come. Im not saying the pain disappears, the thoughts go away, but I am saying that they will, I am saying that its not going to stay bad every day unless you let it.

A lot of people try to constantly find a explanation for the problem, try to control it. "Oh God has a plan behind this" "there is a reason this happened" "karma has a part of this" right, right, right, ok. whoever/whatever caused it, it happened. So we can deal with it, we can learn from it, and we can move on. Ignoring it wont go away, but bettering yourself will.

You know the cliche sayings it has to rain for their to be a rainbow, you have to go up the hill before you can go down and we know going up is much harder... Whatever phrase or quote gets you through the day great, but honestly remember it does get better. WE ALL GO THROUGH SHIT IN LIFE.

There will come a day in your life where things will go bad, and than there will be days that are better, and again you will go through days that are tough. Its a circle, no one said everything's a breeze.

Fight for what you love, stand up for what you believe in, continue to think positive thoughts and stop letting the negative weigh you down. Don't get stuck on one person for there are millions in the world. Don't feel like you're not good enough because I can promise you whether you believe it or not there is someone who thinks you are. Don't be afraid to be who you are. Be honest. Laugh. Dance randomly and stop caring whos looking. But most of all on those crappy days, remember, its just a day. Tomorrows tomorrows and the next day is the next day. It all passes and it all gets better at times :)

Much Love

One Love

2012-06-02T14:24:00.001-07:00

As we all know my Skylar Lynn has Williams Syndrome, and like most kids have a keen ear for music. There isnt a jam she wont boogie down to, making up her own mooves and grooving along to the tunes. With an automatic smile that comes over her face, using her whole body to get into it, pointing her fingers, shaking her hips, hopping on one leg. Yep thats my girl. :) The way she lets music enter into her life and her heart, the way she lets it take over her body and soul is something not a lot of people allow themselves to feel. Shes free, she is who she wants to be with the music and with herself, no cares no worries, just love <3 Here is a little bit of drum jamming to the one and only One Love by BoB Marley. One of her favorites I should mention.

My Little Miracle

2012-05-28T19:33:00.000-07:00

The mornings are typically the best. I'm usually awoken by a slow shuffled foot steps. Maybe even a few falls during the way ;) than I'm approached by the most beautiful, blue eyed, curly haired little girl. My blessing I call her, as she climbs into my bed with a big smile and a good morning. She's a great cuddler in the morning she's intent on her cup, covers pulled up, cartoons and relaxing

I watch her throughout the day. Her personalities, yes personalities ... lol ;) her mannerisms, characteristics.

As I sat in a cafe with my family the other day I just watched her. Immediately ready to roam. There is two men playing on a guitar and violin. As she sits on a cement bench and watches. Which is strange she is a dancer, and while there was times she busted out her Rad mooves consisting of the one legged hop around. She enjoyed just taking it in. As did I.... She went in joined in on a little dance shin dig with a father and his children and had a blast.

Oh another family is here an older couple with their dog. This was an immediate attraction as she runs up to the dog, gets close to his face, and throws her hands over her ears (comfort zone). She says hello to the couple, tries to pet the frightened dog, gets distracted and is on her way.

A man and his girlfriend come in next. Late twenties I'm assuming. Well skylar fell head over heals. Walking by the first time getting his attention and running back to me. Than of course becoming braver to walk pass him give him the pretty eyes and even touch his shoulder. She was giddy to say the least. Thankfully he wasn't like this fricking kid wont leave me the hell alone and actually spoke to her and didn't completely ignore her which seems to happen more often than not.

Sitting here watching her, studying her, knowing her. Her spirit, her love, her karma, her heart; it's all pure. There is no pre-based judgements, there is no need for fear and hate. But there is a need for love and appreciatoon and need for making sure everyone gets it.

The innocence she has of the world around her, yet the intriguing workings of her mind that absorbs so much.

To watch a child not hit milestone's like they are supposed to. But to work and strive for that achievement. To watch them struggle and triumph to get to something that may come much easier to others. To face multiple doctors, many different offices and hospitals. To almost mature so much faster than ever intended. And through all of that you still never loose that innocence. You still appreciate the simplicity of the earth from any bug that may cross your way, any leaf you find to be interesting, any flower that you see. you could spend forever looking at it, investigating it, keeping it.

You pull the complexities of the world around me and make them miniscule. You show me how important it is to love. You show me how important it is to not be angry and to enjoy the day. You're only four, but in those four years you taught me some things I haven't learned in 25.

I love you skylar Lynn to the moon and back

Keep Your Head Up :)

2012-05-20T13:54:00.000-07:00

"I've got my hands in my pockets, kicking these rocks its kinda hard to watch this life go by. I'm buying into skeptics, skeptics mess with the confidence in my eyes."

Oh the reality of life.... its quite humorous really. From the cliche sayings of everything will be fine, to there is always tomorrow, and god wont give you anything you cant handle. Lets face it, we know everything will be fine, obviously there will be a tomorrow just as there was a yesterday and a today, and honestly I dont think God sits their dishing things out to as based on our strength on whether we can handle them or not. Unfortunately we all just have rough patches and hard roads we have to get down sometimes, we just have to find our inner strength. We are all capable of handling anything that comes our way, its just whether we put our emotions over our actions, and the fantasy and what ifs over our knowledge of reality. Were all going to face something at some point in our life that we will believe no one understands, that you just cant get through it, its the worst thing youve ever been through. But there will come another time just like that, and you have to remember what you are capable of, what you deserve, and what you can do.
But anyway :)
Sky has been doing well. We went back to the cardiologist last week to do a check up since her general anesthesia appointment.... It was supposed to be a post six week check up... turned in to more of a post two and a half month check up. I tried to bring her to the doctor over here to get bp readings, but it wasn't working, she wasnt having it. NOT AT ALL. So I decided to not throw her into a whole bunch of traumatic visits and wait it out.
Skylar did fantastic at this visit I was so proud. She was crying a little bit when she realized where we were, but after about ten minutes she was off playing and the tears were gone. Can I say thank you Lord. Hopefully her anxiety is subsiding, once the doctor called her name it obviously peaked a little bit. She walked her little unsure self into the back, halting in her steps and realizing to herself nope this isnt happening. Once we got into the room they tried to get a BP reading, of course there was tears and she was not sitting still. The nurse than says, well it is up to you I will stop, we can just say we didnt get one, that she wouldnt cooperate. Ok, ok, ok, as much as I the mother would love for you to stop, the whole reason I drove an hour and we came to see you right now is for her blood pressure. We obviously have to get a reading.... shouldn't you be the one telling me this.
l asked him to just wait a little while, give her some time to cool off and get adjusted and we will try again. So after an hour, a lot of attention, and some unneeded new toys to bring home she cooperates with them. She sits down and they are capable of getting two readings, which are still to high for her age, so back to waiting... The nurse comes in and says the doctor wants an echo... Again really. We just had one 4 months ago, but none the less, back to the room to get an echo. Which Sky again did quite well for, laying down watching happy feet 2 watching them take pictures of her heart and listening to her heart beat. Than back to our room... waiting waiting. FINALLY TWO HOURS LATER THE DOCTOR WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR. Graces us with his lovely presence and simple suggestions of us needing to up her medicine. OH and than he decided to inform me that they have a blood pressure machine I could take home for a couple of nights to get more readings... Really.... Really. A year later, after general anesthesia, many unproductive doctor visits, kicking and screaming and now I can take the hand held machine home..... I dunno, it could be just me but I figured this would have worked a lot better a year ago if we started out this way. But what can you do it is what it is, and we can only move forward. I was capable of getting about six readings, and I over-nighted it back to them when I was done. I am still waiting to hear back. But until than we will just continue to increase her medicine slowly and go back to Childrens in three weeks! WOOHOO.
All in all besides that Sky has been doing fantastic, her last day of school is Tuesday and I think were both quite upset about that :) haha. Hopefully she qualifies for summer school and they will take her in for six weeks, I know she greatly needs the structure and routine because so much regression can happy in a course of two months. So Im crossing my fingers and saying my prayers.

My baby officially weighs 27 pounds :)

And she is a complete water child

"The glow that the sun gives, right around sunset, helps me realizeThis is just a journey, drop your worriesYou are gonna turn out fine"

Just A Little Update

2012-04-18T13:52:00.000-07:00

Where has the time gone? I have to say these past few months it's definitely flown by. I dont even know where I last left off.... Skylar went under general anesthesia at the beginning of the year. We hadnt been able to get a clear reading for her echo or renal ultrasounds. So after much kicking and screaming, traumatizing doctor visits, and begging of "no more doctors" they finally agreed with me and decided it would be best to just sedate her.....

Well that was visit to say the least. After not being able to feed or give her anything to drink after midnight we arrive at Childrens hospital the next day at 10 for our appointment. I was already aggravated to say the least. How do you explain to a four year old who is begging for milk, oh no im sorry the doctors said you cant because you have to go under general anesthesia.... Yea she understands that real well. Hell, if I even mention the word doctor all hell breaks loose and she has an emotional break down.

I have to start off by saying I truly despise Childrens Hospital here. I feel like they are hardly oriented to children at all, and have no organization skills by any means. We arrive at the green elevators like we are told, and than sent to the yellow elevators, oh wait nope thats the wrong place back to the green elevators. Finally were checked in, I have a sobbing child begging to leave and they send us to the cardiologist. I know we arent going to the right place, we arent going there for a regular appointment, shes having a procedure. I tell them this but no, they send us their anyway. We get there and what do we know, nope not supposed to be there, we need to head to the ER and go upstairs to get checked in. So fifteen minutes later were finally sitting in the right lobby. Its just me, Skylar, and my mom, and the receptionist yakking away on the phone. We are slowly reaching the 1100 mark and Skylar is PISSED. Finally someone comes and calls us, well they call Skylars name, which I should have informed them was not a good idea. The hands go straight over the ears and she throws herself to the floor. Awesome, just awesome I thought to myself. Ok, lets get this over with.

We go in the back room where the begin to explain the procedure. Ok first were going to put her IV in and than well administer the medicine, and once she is asleep well start the tests. Ok, that sounds good, what kind of sedation are you giving her for the IV. Oh mam, we werent going to sedate her..... Oh ok... yea I see that working out real well. She freaks out because you call her name and shes at the doctor, you go ahead and try to stick that needle in her arm.... NOT

So again, I tell them Im sorry no she has to be sedated, I called a week before her appointment to tell them about her anxiety as well as her syndrome and in order for her to get an IV she had to be sedated. It would be to traumatizing if not, and I was NOT putting her through that. So we sit in the room for about 20 minutes while they discuss among themselves and than were back downstairs to get sedated and get the IV. I pick Sky up and shes sobbing in my arms and bring her by the anesthesiologist, who looks at her and says "why are you crying." WHY IS SHE CRYING. WHY IS SHE CRYING. Oh I dont know shes only not been able to eat for the past twelves hours, she has no idea who any of you are, weve been waiting for an hour, and look youve got a huge machine and a needle. Im sure shes absolutely thrilled to be here. Of course they make me leave the room while they give her the IV. Fluckers

Finally a minute later they bring her out, her arms wrapped up and back upstairs we go. I had to fight back the tears, while I still have to admit I let a few fall as we got onto the elevator. I hate to see her like this, I hate to see my child who is always so happy be so scared. The finally come in and start to administer the medicine and she slowly drifts off. And when I say slowly I mean she was completely fighting it, knowing something was happening, and than she was finally OUT. They do the echo, hook up the blood pressure machine and get the tests ran. The doctor informs me that her blood pressure is still to high. Higher than he would like it to be and if he could contribute a problem to it than they could fix it. Her echo comes back clear, they start the renal ultrasound and all comes back clear. So now they see nothing that is indicating the high blood pressure so they want to draw blood... ok shes asleep sounds great.

Except as they are putting the machines up, it makes an obnoxious beeping sound that startles skylar and wakes her up. The medicine started wearing off. As she is slowly opening her eyes, the nurse sticks her to draw her blood, and nothing, nothing is coming out. The damn medicine and anesthesia is making the blood not come out properly, they try to get it to come out through the IV, nothing. So they remove the IV and stick her again. Shes had enough by now, she is in total exorcism mode trying to get off that table. The blood finally comes out and we are done. I grab her clothes, grab her bags and tell them to call me once they know more.

Sky is now diagnosed with hypertension as well, they have put her on enalapril and she takes it like a champ and I pray its doing its job. We go back to the cardiologist in the beginning of May... oh how were looking forward to this visit....

We have in a way boycotted the doctors until her next visit. Her health has been good, and I just cant seem to put her through all of that right now. Besides her health, things have seem to be going pretty well. Her physical therapist called me last month and told me she would be dropping Skylar off of her list because she has mastered all of her skills and they are now having to keep up with her!! APE will still keep her on but woohoo on the mastering of physcial therapy skills.

Something clicked in the past couple of weeks two with her speaking. She is now spitting out phrases left and right. Some make absolutely no sense, some are a complete repitition of what she just heard, and some well who knows where she comes up with some of the things she says :) Along with the phrases came the beautiful attitude. She loves to tell me no, that she doesnt like it, and she doesnt want too... Well ok than missy, you learn how to talk and all of a sudden you learn how to demand.
Mom wheres my cup, Mom I dont want to, Mom I need my binky, Mom I need more cup (and HEAVEN forbid I dont jump right up and get it, shell bring it to me and shake it in my face until she gets more)

Skylars new obsession is bobo's and bandaids..... She begs and begs for bandaids even if there is nothing wrong. We literally went through a pack in a month because she has an imaginary bobo and needs a bandaid because thats what makes it all better. And she will tell you about her bobo's, shoot shell tell everyone about her bobo's her friends, family, strangers, stuffed animals..

I had to go review her IEP the other day at school..... I really have to say Louisiana needs to get on the ball with medical and educational care.... they completely frustrate me. I live here for three years, where I dont get a diagnosis, am told oh shell be fine, oh shell grow out of it, oh she may just be autistic. I had to fight for services to get her into Early Steps. Than I move to Missouri and in a matter of three months, THREE MONTHS. I get a diagnosis, Im set up with a specialist, I literally walk into the school board where they place her in a program, get her therapist set up and a referral to a developmental delay pediatrician. I go there and in a matter of a week they have her set up with outside therapy...

Than I had to come back home, I have to wait months for doctors appointments, I had to pull teeth to get Skylar enrolled into special ed for only three days a week for hours a day... I mean thats great Ill take it. But Im a single mom, how am I supposed to work and support us off of such little time that I have to get everything done....

Well the IEP didnt go so well, they still dont think shes ready for all day classes, so its back next year to three days a week for fours hours still..... and Im trying to get her into summer school here, but that seems to be one of the hardest things to do. They tell me because she isnt extremely severe she doesnt really qualify... qualify.... ok so when do qualifications come in. because my child will be five and still be going to school three days a week for four hours, and getting a minimal amount of therapy.... rant rant rant rant. So now they are trying to qualify her for two days a week for three hours a day at summer school.... at this point, whatever, just ill take whatever I can have.

Thank God for her great spirit, and heart full of love. She is a true inspiration that gets me through each day. I know in the end it will be worth it, I know one day well have all the answers, I know one day things may get a little easier. But crap living in the limbo totally sucks sometimes

Hey atleast Im blessed to spend each day with this beautiful face <3

My "Special Needs" Child

2012-01-27T19:21:00.000-08:00

Being a mother is probably one of the most amazing things I have ever been blessed with in my life. It has been one of the toughest and most satisfying jobs I have ever had, it is a love I cannot explain and have never experienced before, it is a strength that makes most things in this world look minuscule.

Becoming a parent was one of the scariest and life changing experiences I have ever encountered. Becoming a parent to a special needs child, only made those fears one hundred times worse, and the life changing experiences even crazier. But, at the same time, it makes every day worth it.

My daughters diagnosis, changed me as a person, and honestly I would like to think to a better person. I have learned so much in the past four years of my life. I have encountered more doctors, hospitals, medicines, and waiting rooms than I believe I have actually even seen in the past 25 years of my life. I have spent more nights online learning medical terms and procedures, and what questions to ask, and what experiences other parents have gone through. I have become capable of functioning off of four hours of sleep. I have taught myself to multitask in ways that it is now embedded in my blood to just get everything done. I have learned patience I did not even know that I contained. A strength that I had to muster up and help build me tall because there was no way I was going to let the world take me or her down. I have learned there are always second options and better ways of doing things. I have taught myself to face every day with happiness and love. I have realized that with happiness and love it tends to be what you attract.

I have seen the happiness and love within the special needs community. I have seen an amount of love within this community you will never experience in every day life. I have met the most non-judgmental, happy, loving, caring people that I have ever met in my life. I have been able to experience what it is like to be surrounded by an amount of love each day most people will never experience in their lifetime. I was blessed with a child that does not see anyone as different but instead as all the same. I was blessed with a child who always has a smile on their face and when seeing others sad is always there to comfort them.

My "special needs" child is truly the light of my life. She has taught me how to really live each day. To not see it for the what ifs, and the oh no's; but for the what is, and the yay's. To wake up every morning with a smile on my face and know the day is only what I make it.

My "special needs" child is willing to meet anyone, and does not let the fact that you may be in a wheel chair, may be a little older, may wear glasses, that you may be to big, or that you may be to skinny bother her. She does not care if you IQ level is not above average, and she does not care what color your skin is. She does not care about your outward appearance but instead only what is TRULY on the inside. She does not look for the bad in people but instead only looks for the good. She will try anything twice, shoot shell try anything 12 times just until she gets it. She may be uneasy and apprehensive about situations she does not know but it does not mean she wont figure it out.

My "special needs" child enjoys the simple things in life. Music and bubbles could have her excited for hours. She does not care what you think about her, she will break it down into a dance move wherever she is and she really has some sweet moves. Her favorite thing to do is hug, and if you ever get upset with something she has done she is the first to apologize and ask for a hug. There is never a day that goes by that you will not hear the sweetest three words in the world "i love you <3"

I am happy to say that I have a "special needs" child anyday <3

Victim Of Your Own Optimism

2012-01-10T17:25:00.000-08:00

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Is it possible to be a victim of your own optimism. By all means unfortunately yes. That's kind of a downer huh? We want to see the good in people, we want to hope for the best, we want to expect only the greatest in life... well most of us do... Why aren't all people good natured? what possesses a person to commit crime, to abuse someone, to murder someone? What possesses a person to speak only hate, to misjudge people and treat them badly? What is behind the minds of people who only intend to hurt others and get joy out of others people pain?

One of the craziest wonders of the mind I believe. I have put a lot of time and thought trying to understand someone elses intentions and ways in life. Hoping that I can better understand the reasons behind their actions and maybe just hopefully help them realize that the way they are living is not worth the future it will hold. Although, sometimes, most of the time these people do not want help. Or should I say do not see th error in their ways, or the pain that comes with the actions they take.

Why do many people waste their time, on should I call them lost souls. Is it hope to actually better them, or some recognition for ourselves? Sometimes we just have to know when to step away and let them live the life they choose to. There is only so much you can do, so much effort you can give. When you find yourself loosing your time and energy on helping someone, you are losing your true identity. You are losing your reasoning behind your purpose in life. And slowly they will only take you down with them.

Understandably, we all want respect and recognition in life from those around us, but unfortunately if you life your life expecting it you are in for a rude awakening. All you can do is focus on yourself, bring the positive out in what you do and hope that the people who come into your life have the same outlook. People who want to change, and want to do good eventually will. Because, when it comes down to it we have to face the reality of the matter. These people know right from wrong, they do know what they are doing is not ok, they are just to consumed in their selves to realize the people around them. They are just not willing at this time, and in some cases ever, capable of owning to their mistaking and correcting right from wrong. And as much as it hurts sometimes, the best thing for you to do is to let go and walk away. Dont let someone elses wrong doings in life affect your outcome, only you can control the past, present, and future.

Goodbye 2011

2011-12-30T17:37:00.000-08:00

The year has come to an end, and oh what a year it has been. With its ups and downs, sadness and happiness, new friends, new situations, new life changes, an unfortunate death, an official diagnosis to finally give me the answers I need, and a divorce that has been a series of unfortunate events I never expected. It has definitely been a year to remember and than again a year to forget.

This year has tested my faith, patience, strength, love, knowledge, and endurance. While at times I have not always been able to hold my head high, and at times felt that things could not get any worse to only prove me wrong, but through these experiences it has only allowed me to regain my strength, my patience, my love, and endurance to handle situations even when all I want to do is run away.

My new years resolution isn't to quit anything I know Ill probably eventually indulge in at some point. Its to start the year NEW. To start it with a new head on my shoulders, not letting the small things get to me, and allowing the things I cannot control to not affect my emotions and allow them to run their course. I will continue to devote everything I have to my daughter, allowing her to know that no matter what I will always be by her side. She may have to go through more than the "average" child, but through these times it will only make her stronger, as well as me. She has shown me how to face things head on, not letting my fear get in the way, not letting my emotions hold me back, but to remember that every day is a new day into which we have to make the best. I vow to not look into the past, for the past is full of things we can not change, we can not change what happened, we can not wonder what if, or why. Because in the end it does not matter, what matters is where we are today and what we want to do to make the best of it..

Through the past couple of years I feel like I have lost who I truly was. Putting on a facade to make it seem like everything is ok. Keeping my feelings and the truth bottled inside hoping that at times I could change it. I could make it better. I let what others had to say about me affect me, allowing them to put labels on me. I feel like whenever we are quick to judge and label someone we are already putting a name of who they are without really knowing them. These labels only cause people to form to them because its all that has been spoken about them, making them feel that maybe that is the way they are. But no more, this year I will focus on myself and my daughter, I will remind myself everyday that what I am doing is correct, and for the best. I will not have false hope for things that wont happen, and will not waste my time hoping things or people will change. I will keep a one track mind telling myself the people who want to be in my life will be there, and those that dont simply wont be there and I will not fight for their time. I will no longer dread a situation happening when it hasnt happened yet. I wont let the fear of my past, or the fear of the future affect me.

I feel through the past couple of months I have slowly came back to my old self. I can finally say I am HAPPY, and not just happy with where I am at. But happy with myself, happy with where I am, happy with who I am. I will not hold back who I am, for that is what makes people love me. I will be honest, about everything, whether it does have the chance of hurting someone or not. I will not let others bring me down with their negativity. I know I am a deep person, that likes to speak the truth, and that can scare people off, or it can draw people in. And the people it draws in and I have been capable of meeting have accepted me for me and there is no better feeling than that. I can finally in my life honestly say, I am ready for what God has to offer me and what the world has to throw at me. As long as I stay true to myself, nothing can deter me from what I want to be and do. Yes I am in love with love, no I do not fall in love easily, but I know that when there is real true love there is nothing more that I want to do than embrace it. I want to hold it close, keep it real and never let go. Music will always be my high, for lyrics do speak the words to my soul. I can relate on many levels, and my greatest outlet is listening to music that I feel truly speaks from my heart. I will build new relationships, and hopefully regain old friendships. Allowing people to see me for me, not for what was made or said about me, but for who I am. I will keep an open mind, and not cast judgement. I will listen and understand, and be the best friend that I can be. Although, in the end I will not let people walk all over me.

I have learned from my mistakes, I have learned from my accomplishments, I have learned from my experiences and they have all shaped me into who I am today. I am a single mother, to a beautiful 4 year little girl. She is the light of my life, and I could not imagine a day without her. Starting January 1st I will treat every day as its own. Knowing what is going on today has nothing to do with yesterday or tomorrow. I will wake up knowing that the day is ours and we can make everything and anything of it. I will live in the moment, dealing with each "problem" as they come along. There is nothing I want to ask of anyone else, but only myself. "What do I want to do about this? What can I do about this? Where do we go from here?"

I would like to put this past year behind me and bring the new year in with many new beginnings and fresh starts.

GoodBye 2011, Hello 2012
<3 Momma J

In My Daughters Eyes

2011-12-02T17:20:00.001-08:00

In my daughter's eyes,
I am a hero,
I am strong and wise,
And I know no fear

But the truth is plain to see,
She was sent to rescue me,
I see who I want to be,In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes,
Everyone is equal,
Darkness turns to light,
And the world is at peace

This miracle god gave to me,
Gives me strength when I am weak,
I find reason to believe,
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand around my finger,
How it puts a smile in my heart,
Everything becomes a little clearer,
I realize what life is all about

It's hanging on when your heart is had enough,
It's giving more when you feel like giving up,
I've seen the light,
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes,
I can see the future,
A reflection of who I am and what will be,
And though she'll grow and someday leave,
Maybe raise a family

When i'm gone I hope you see,
How happy she made me,
For i'll be there,
In my daughter's eyes

Martina McBride

Growing up in Life

2011-11-30T17:00:00.001-08:00

My intentions in life is never to hurt anyone, but to instead only
better myself. Unfortunately while doing this we may come across
situations where the answer you give or the benefit to come isn't
always going to be happy for everyone.
With finding yourself, you will find what makes you happy, and what
does not, what is best and what you know won't work. You slowly become
more mature mentally as you watch others around you succeed and move
forward in their life and than some just continue to slip and fall.
These are only stepping stones for us to look at and learn, not for us
to judge or blame, but simply learn from.
In the process of growing you will come across amazing people in your
life you want to surround yourself with. People who make you feel
better about yourself and life decisions.
You may come across time where you have to make a decision that you
simply don't want to. You don't want to hurt others, you don't want to
hurt yourself, and you might be confused. But what is important is to
always stay true to yourself. You may tend to loose yourself in hopes
of wanting to see others happy, or wanting the best for them.
You have to remember the truth is always best in maturing and growing.
The truth can hurt you, it can hurt others, and may cause pain we
don't want to bear. But its important, its better to hear the truth
now and let it help you than to push it off. A part of finding
yourself is coming to a situation we may not want to face, facing it
head on, and learning and growing from it. That situation is what
helps us know what we want, and what we deserve out of life. While
these situations may hurt you or other people the pain goes away. The
pain does subside and time gets better and you come out better
knowing. We may not always see that in the beginning, but in the end
we do.
I've learned through the past six months that life really is how you
make it. Its only we ourselves that makes it more stressful or
complicated, its really quite simple. Yes situations are difficult,
pain is hard to bear but these are all milestones and situations other
people have went through and survived. Many of our experiences are the
same its just how we handle them that make it different, so when times
get tough just remember all the good you have around you

A Poem Written To Me On My Birthday

2011-11-29T07:30:00.000-08:00

Its 25 but still it seems like it was yesterday
A little girl name Jessica would like to always play
Sometimes it was with rocks sometimes it was with clay. One thing for
sure she always said please come and see me play.
Before our very seeing eyes she grew up tall and proud. Into a lovely
lady that can turn heads in a crowd.
She then brought us a little angel so soft and pink and cute. Yes
that's our Angel Skylar she really is a hoot.
A mother and a child is such a special thing
Its fun to watch you be with her and the joy that each one brings
It has not been an easy year with falls along the way. I admire you
each time you take another day
A child with special needs can sometimes make us cry but than again
its other times that gives us the greatest highs
The way she says I'm sorry can melt the coldest heart. The way she
says I love you makes each morning a great start.
So when you are feeling lonely, stressed and really blue. Count the
many blessing the Lord has given you.
Thank you dad I love you so much.

Love, love, love, love, love <3

2011-11-22T21:12:00.000-08:00

Happiness is contagious, and its the best thing you can catch. Surrounding yourself with people who love you, support you, care about you, and do so by showing it. People who live their life optimistically, filled with love, and laughter. Finding these people are one of the best blessings in life. You get to see life for what its worth.

I know for a while I was stuck in what seemed like a dark haze. Walking around not sure where I was going or what I was doing. Constantly questioning my every move, feeling guilt and shame I didn't need to bear, and putting blinders on to what I didn't want to see in life. When I eventually opened the dark shaded my whole life changed. I can smile and actually feel a true feeling of happiness in my heart behind it. I know what I am doing is right, and no matter how long it takes, it will pay off. I know what I deserve, and what I'm worth. Because we are all worth the world.

I believe a true heartbreak is one of the worst emotional pains you can feel in life. Its never pretty, there is always pain, frustration, disrespect and all the things we don't want in life. Sometimes its hard to see the end and sometimes you think there is nothing else. But truthfully in the end we realize there is something else. It may take more time for others, but only you yourself are in control of that. As much pain as you may bear you cannot change what has happened already in your life. And the last thing you want to do is spend time chasing someone who doesn't in return want you. We all deserve love and respect and I promise that one day we will all have it, as long as we let ourselves. Coming out of the dark clouds into the sunshine is one of the best steps you can take in life.

You know me and my quotes. I don't know why I love reading them so much... Lol, maybe inspiration, maybe reassurance, maybe just to remind myself sometimes you have to hear something good.

Those Little Inspirations That Get You Through The Day

2011-11-21T08:05:00.000-08:00

Inside Thoughts

2011-11-20T20:05:00.001-08:00

Sometimes you just have to learn to let things go. You can't change everything and some things just aren't going to change. Its a hard concept in life and I believe its one a lot of humans have a hard time grasping throughout their life. Who doesn't want the best in everything, or everything to go their way, no problems, just a smooth ride.
But that isn't life, and if you live life expecting it to always be this way you are setting yourself up for failure. All we can change is ourselves and the situations we put ourselves in. We are in control of our happiness and sometimes we try so hard to try to complete others happiness. Its a good characteristic to have but don't get lost in yourself. Don't forget your values and beliefs and what makes you happy. Don't forget to always tell the truth because lying is only going to hurt someone, and while the truth isn't something we always want to hear, maybe its what we need.
We all go through tough situations in life. It shapes who we are as a person, making us stronger, and without these experiences we would be oblivious to the reality of life. Maybe it takes heartbreak, maybe it takes pain, maybe its those moments in life we think are the worst thing in the world are the moments we need. The moments that snap us back into reality, making us re-evaluate where we are, who we are and what we need to do. Situations don't kill us, they do empower us to better our lives we just have to make sure we do this, because situations also have the possibility of over empowering you.
I do believe its rare to come across people who truly get you, not for what they think you are but who you are. The people who embrace that and are capable of realizing life how it is are the ones you shouldn't let go of. I find myself to be an old soul, I like to have fun, but my thoughts and emotions are deep and hard for many to understand. I feel like we don't need to waste so much time in life with the chase. We can deny it all we want but the minute someone doesn't want us we want them ten times more, well do anything, over stepping our own boundaries to get something that we know isn't even worth it. Sometimes its hard to see, but the world is filled with millions of people. Some the same, some different, some that will touch you in ways that will change your life, friends you'll never forget. Don't live your life focused on one person or thing when the world has so much to offer. Love, life, and beauty are really simple and we need to stop trying to make it into something bigger than it is.
Trust, loyalty, strength, values, beliefs, opinions, love, family, friends; these are all things that should never be taken for granted. I do believe everyone is entitled to their own way of thinking or believing but it doesn't mean we all agree. I do not judge, that isn't my job. Don't ever loose yourself as a person, remember when you're at your all time low as bad as it may seem you could be worse off, others are worse off. You'll rise above it you always do. And don't be afraid to reach out, sometimes having someone listen is all you need. Keep your head high and confidence higher and well make it far in life. Being happy is one of the best gifts I have ever been given and its something I would never take for granted.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Exhaustion Sets In

2011-11-16T19:18:00.000-08:00

Well today is done, my nerves are at ease for now, and I don't feel so everywhere in my mind.

The appointment went as expected. Skylar hates the doctor and I mean HATES. They were very personable and nice but the second they try to take her blood pressure she is screaming, kicking, crying, begging; which of course leads to a longer process so they can get an accurate reading. Than to take her temperature, and by this time she is beyond pissed and not wanting anyone to touch her. Next to our new geneticist, I actually liked her. She was very kind, and patient as we spoke over the cries of Skylar asking to leave the room.

She asked why it took Skylar so long to be diagnosed because of previous indicators and facial expressions. I don't know, this is something that aggravates me to this day. That I called her hospital after her being diagnosed in march, and my ob to explain what she had. They were clueless, asking me questions, not really raising concern. But I'm blessed nothing happened in the mean time.

From there blood work of course, as they tie her arm and start to wipe her the crocodile tears start and the begging begins. I hate that I have to complete pin her down only traumatizing her more. But she is a strong girl, slowly calming down after just wanting to get out as soon as possible. Screw their stickers, they mean nothing to her, show her the exit door and she's delighted.

We go back to the cardio, hearing and vision and endo to set a diet for her calcium intake so let's get these appointments over with. The easiest has just begun.

I know its scary but the amount of fear she has kills me. Skylar is rarely if ever sick, she isn't immunized so she doesn't get regular shots but the hospital terrifies her. I hope she overcomes this fear, for it is something that will not go away.

But one day shell see she is defying all odds. She is stronger than she can imagine. And she is the best blessing on this earth.

Here we go again

2011-11-16T06:34:00.001-08:00

I hate the nights before the hospital, for some reason it doesn't matter what the reason the trip is for they are still my hardest nights. We haven't been for a trip in a couple of months and I've been doing ok. Haven't let the thoughts cross my mind or let frivolous things bother me. Besides the sometimes frustration from the sensory overload leading to melt downs and the unfortunate comparisons I find myself making sometimes; of wow that child is really independent. Or the jealousy of the parents who can sit and watch their kids run around at the play ground while I have to follow closely behind Skylar.
I know, I know, don't compare, every child is special and amazing in their own way. Trust me this is something I know and can see every day. But shut your mouth if you never say you get a tinge of jealousy... Or even the thought that runs across your mind of wanting to slap some people as you walk out the store while your child is throwing a holy terror nightmare and they are giving the looks of oh no the poor child what happened.
Haha anyway. As I sit here in this undecidable Louisiana weather sipping my xbold espresso, that my espresso machine provides me with every morning. Is not doing the trick. I still feel like a walking zombie. I didn't fall asleep until 12 and than I woke up for some god known reason at 3 and cried.... Cried?? What the hell is wrong with me. I don't even know why I was crying, its been a while since I let deep tears roll down my cheeks and feel the emptiness in my stomach, but I finally drifted back off to sleep. After climbing in Skylars bed and holding her close to my body. My alarm went out off 4 short hours later which felt like 30 minutes and off to school she went.
I have to go up to her school for a field trip in a little while, than its home to nap, than off to Children's... Hopefully it goes well. So far I haven't been impressed with them; and this is just with the receptionist lack of returning phone calls, common courtesy, and making sure everything is set to go. Health care is the only thing I miss about Missouri, and the knowledge base they has of WS.... But what can we do, only fight for better and better. And I will, ill make sure that's what she always gets.
Thank goodness for my momma. The last two trips to Children alone were hard enough, I don't know if I need her more for help with Sky or strength for me. Either way I need her, and prayers. Prayers are always appreciated.
Skylar has been growing a lot lately and because her left ventricle valve is growing smaller I know this is our main concern. I feel bad that I don't know more. All of these medical terms, and maybes, and so forth confuse me. One day at a time right....
Well I got to rush. Busy busy day