I have to wipe his what?

Hot Wheelin

2012-01-20T00:19:00.000-08:00

Hot Wheelin

Peeing In The Night, Or On The Night

2012-01-14T01:47:00.000-08:00

Peeing In The Night, Or On The Night1:15 in the am. I am diligently editing my latest video of the boy racing his Hot Wheels track when I again hear his incessant moans of anguish emanating from down the hall. ‘Okay damnit, I don’t care if he whines again, this time I am hauling his butt off to the bathroom,’ I promise myself.“Hey bud, are you okay?” I ask him as I pat him on the back while he

Cracked House

2011-11-21T01:01:00.000-08:00

Cracked House"Hey, W-Dirt!" There he is. "Do you want to buy that house we looked at the other day?"You mean the cracked house?""Hmmm, yeah. The cracked house.""Okay! But it's too big. We can't bring it home with us.""Well, thank goodness for that, because we are moving to it. And closer to the beach too. Isn't that fun?""Yeah!"That cracked house originally sold for 40 grand back in '51. The sad

Made In Japan

2011-11-09T00:31:00.000-08:00

Made In JapanWhat's that say Poppa?" The boy asked me as he pointed at the backside of his new extrra large bright red beach shovel."Let's see. Says, Made In Japan.""Oh."-Later that day-While grinding playdoh into the dining room chair cushion, the boy flips over his Spiderman plate and asks me, "What's that say Jay?""It says Zak!.""Oh. What does that one say Jay?""Made In Japan.""That what it's

Ahhh Damage!

2011-10-18T23:53:00.001-07:00

Ahhh Damage!Something didn't go my way the other day, 'Damnit!' I exploded, as the kids frollicked around the living room floor killing, smelling, wrestling, smashing, and chewing. Not neccesarily in that order. Maybe even all at once though.A minute later, as W-Dirt was crashing his Evil-Doctor-Porch-Chop toy into his huge pirate ship he yelled for all the world and the seven seas to hear, "

It Feels Like A Ball Poppa

2011-06-29T22:22:00.000-07:00

It Feels Like A Ball Poppa'George sat on the bench and looked around. Next to him on the ground was a bucket full of balls. George reached in and took one out.' I was reading to W-Dirt as I stopped and noticed he was scratching himself, or something like that."What are you doing dude?' He was oblivous, so I continued reading.'It fit in his hand just right, like the apple he'd had for a snack.' I

Parental Mistake

2011-06-06T00:04:00.000-07:00

Parental MistakeI made a grave parental mistake tonight. I gave the boy an irrefutable get out of crib free card. As I blanketed him into bed, I told him that if he needed me, all he has to do is yell my name and I will be there. What the fuck was I thinking?I am well acquainted with the things that go bump in the night and how those bumps have an impact on a small childs unrelenting imagination

At The Same Time

2011-05-16T23:35:00.000-07:00

At The Same TimeOddly rude noises simultaneously emmenate from above and below the boy on the floor where he is lying."Oops. I burped and farted.""Wha...what?""Yep." He says with a smirk."Ok." It happens."Scuse me, cuzuntite, bless you.""Thanks buddy.""No! Thank you.""No, thank you," I told him."Ok, thank me."

He Called Me A What?

2011-05-11T08:43:00.000-07:00

He Called Me A What?"That's a pyramid." I pointed out to the boy as we watched the opening scene to Despicable Me. As we do nearly every day."'re ahh ack.""Huh?""Uer ahhn cack?" He repeated, while trying to keep his eys on the movie, but still tilting his head my way while affording me a slight glance.That last one got my attention, as I staired at him as if asking to repeat what he said in a

Snail Trails

2011-04-27T07:44:00.000-07:00

Snail TrailsAs I sit on the couch editing photos, the kids stand beside me coloring. I notice the boy wiping his nose.I turn and look just as he bends down to the arm of the couch, pressing his nose to it, gliding it from one end of the arm to the other. Leaving a bright new glistening snotty snail trail behind him. Like a silver contrail in the evening sky."Hey! Dude! Come on, don't do that." I

Whatdidyousay?

2011-04-18T09:29:00.000-07:00

Whatdidyousay?"Hey Poppa, what's this for?""That's for Dion. I'm gonna put all our movies and music on it for him.""What?""It's for Dion.'"What?""It's Dions...""Huh?""That is Dions Hard drive.""Uh...what.""IT"S DIONS, DUDE!""Oh......What's it for?"This is how our conversations have bene going all weekend. It's not as simple as a 3yo asking simple questions about his surroundings, no. He's gone

Slobber Gone Viral

2011-04-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

Slobber Gone ViralThe boy had just puked the day before, and his blood began to boil later that night. You know, steam was emmenating from his ears and his urin evaperated before it hit the bebroom floor. Next day, sitting beside me on the couch while very excitedly watching Mega(The)Mind. The Boy begins to rapidly lick both hands at the same time. As if giving himself a cat bath. I see this

Perilous I Tell You, Perilous

2011-03-30T23:44:00.000-07:00

Perilous I Tell You, PerilousWhy Did The Baby Cross The Road!I know what you're thinking, really I do. But not to worry. I will let you know, that the truck was lifted so high, that it passed right over her, leaving her unscathed and able to get to the other side of the road. Ever see Pet Cemetary? Sure you have. This was inspired by that movie. Not to mention that I fear her running into the

I'd take a few dozen jolts to the nuts over a pot of coffee any morning of the week

2011-03-08T10:06:00.000-08:00

I'd take a few dozen jolts to the nuts over a pot of coffee any morning of the weekIt has begun. At nearly three years old, my boy has hit the dreaded terribles. Terribles I tell you! As if all the world, at least his world in this house, revolves around every whim and desire of him. And in a way, on occasion, it sure seems to. When a boy is kicking you for five minutes as you hold your rage back

Strawberry Girl

2011-03-02T17:11:00.000-08:00

Strawberry GirlI am convinced, that before everytime the wife goes out of town on a business trip, she pays a visit to our local day care center and wipes down all the booger infested toys with a burb cloth, then comes home and uses that burp cloth on our kids. Because everytime the wife leaves, our kids come down with the plague, and I am then stuck wiping boogies, rocking babies to sleep

BHP

2011-02-23T00:44:00.000-08:00

BHP"Lilly......yo Lilly. Lilly," I loudly whispered in our pitch black room as I leaned over the bed, stairing into her sleepy eyes."Huh, yeah, what?" She sleepily replied."....big, hard......poop." I explained to her as I lay the groaning boy down into her comforting arms below the blanky."Huh?""He passed a big hard poop that made him bleed. And his tummy hurts from being bloated."Big

Poopy Squancher

2011-02-18T15:13:00.000-08:00

Poopy SquancherLately everything is a Poopy Squancher, or related to it. Wether it's simply a Squanch, (sounds like Sasquatch), or a Poop, or a Scooper. It's always one of those variations. before that, it was some other word or phrase that his OCD infested infant mind was stuck on.Our friend got each one of Mr Pants' saying stuck in his head just like I did. The difference though, is that he

Baby Kisses

2011-02-16T21:53:00.000-08:00

Baby KissesOh Yeah, Happy Valentines Day From The Diaper Soilers, To You.

Perilous Predicaments

2011-02-10T09:48:00.000-08:00

Perilous PredicamentSinister little bugger isn't he. I tried to tell the boy that we could shoot her some where else and edit her into the machine in photoshop. But nooooo, he insisted on stuffing her in there. And yes, she really was............very clean after words.Really, there is no good way to mimmick that in photoshop. The only way to make it look real, is to really do it. So as my entire

Let her Suffer Too Damnit

2011-02-06T00:45:00.000-08:00

Let her Suffer Too DamnitWhen I hear Lilly having a rough time with the kids from the other room, I can't help but feel a very small sense of...a total and utterly complete sense of satisfaction. Yes, a very small and totally complete at the same time. As if the world is righting itself before my eyes. In other words, HAH! Take that. You take that tantrum and watch it, watch it till

Nipple Challenge

2011-01-23T23:58:00.000-08:00

Do you dare take the nipple challenge?My nephew is rad. he will do just about anything for money. So while visitng him in Salt Lake City, I convinced him it would be cool to go outside and run around without a shirt on. Not such an easy thing to do when it's 5 degrees outside. But he loved every minute of it.Thought I would share with the world how I put together my photos. So much of my

Perilous Predicaments

2011-01-12T22:19:00.000-08:00

What could be more perilous than sledding with your 9 month old girl and falling off the back while she takes off down the hill all by her lonesome?It's not fun falling off the back of a sled as you're bombing a huge hill. But what is fun, is when you dive off the back of your sled on purpose to get a good photo of it. Even when it's 10 degrees outside and you get a snow enema and a soaked back

2010-12-25T11:29:00.001-08:00

Blog Marketers Can Suck It, Again

2010-12-21T00:38:00.000-08:00

Blog Marketers Can Suck It, AgainI get marketers peddling their shit to me all the time. They always want me to advertise their products on my site, for free. I’m still amazed at how often I get these e-mails. I often respond to their spam and ask for compensation. Of course they won’t do it. And most often, because of my blunt and sarcastic response, I get no response in return. But

Volunteer Babysitter

2010-12-16T23:58:00.000-08:00

Volunteer BabysitterShe volunteered to babysit for us. My wife’s bosses daughter, a twenty something college graduate living back at home with her parental units. Volunteered. So far, the only babysitters we have are the grandparents, as they both live nearby. To my…I mean her…I mean our…I mean someone’s gotta be dismayed about that I’m sure. But they do occasionally babysit. Well, my