i haz blog

Matrilineage is stupid and this guy is a genius.

2013-01-29T13:19:00.000-08:00

So, you may have heard about the man in Florida who took his wife's name, and is now being accused of fraud. I have a few things to say about this.

First off, he is obviously committing fraud, because no real man would ever take a woman's name. That's disgusting. Girls our supposed to take are names because they probably can't even spell there own. Also, how will we pass property down to our sons if they have the wrong name? Then no one would no who to give the stuff to. And I'm not talking about hairbrushes and makeup and stuff that women have (and by extension its her husband's anyways), I mean like money and real estate, you know, man stuff.

Secondingly, this guy is clearly an illegal immigrant who took his wife's name so he could stay here in the best cuntry. Its kind of genious because no one should suspect that he would take his lady's name. I think that just because he is so smart that we should let him stay.

Gun Control

2013-01-29T12:19:00.000-08:00

Hi Guyz, Im here to talk to you about gun control and gun safety. Then #1 rule about gun safety is always have control over your gun. If your gun starts talking back at you t hen you need to backhand it becuz you need to show it who is the boss.

I think we need to remember something about guns: they don't kill people, people do. The problem is that sometimes the wrong people are killed, like those kids in Connecticut. I'll be damned if the government takes away my guns, so we just need to make sure that in the future the victims look more like this. We don't want the wrong type of people thinking they run shit.

So, what we need to do instead of giving guns to adults is start giving guns to the children. Remember: Children are the future, so that means that they can choose which of their peers make it to the future, like a social contract. If one kid is being a little bitch, then he or she (hopefully she, because men get killed way more than women by guns. To fix this problem, we need to kill more women with guns) will get shot. Problem solved! Also, kids haven't had much of a chance to go insane yet, so we can just nip that in the bud, and our mental health issues will be solved as well.

Good day.

Back In Business 2012 Edition

2012-07-05T11:59:00.001-07:00

Hello fellow Earthlings,

I've been on an outer space mission to the Moon for a little over a year. I would have posted on here during that time, but I was enjoying myself and I didn't want to bother with you guys and your problems. You humans could solve them all so easily, but you refuse to take the necessary measures. I've learned some troubling facts about the Best Cuntry America. The leaders of this cuntry should follow my advice so we can effectively terminate the problem: obamacare. Notice that I did not capitalize obama. This is meant to denote a lack of respect. *

The main reason that obamacare sucks is becuz it requires everybody to have health care. This is bad becuz then if everybody has health care, people will not die. Now of course, we don't want everybody to die, but we want many of the poor people to die, so we don't want them to have access to medical supplies and expertise. And Jesus forbid that they actually become doctors! Jesus has told me himself that he actually does not want poor people to go to college becuz then they will not follow orders from their superiors and instead will make their own decisions. We can't let that happen becuz everybody knows that peasants will just mess up there own lives and everybody else's if their allowed to do that. They should live short lives of watching television and performing menial labor.

*I just want to clear a few things up about obama. He was actually born in the U.S., but the reason he should not be eligible for presidency is because he is black and muslim. Being black is bad enough but not believing in Jesus Our Savior? He obviously has no morals and is an incompetent leader.

Free Sex for Hubert Blackman

2011-02-11T16:38:00.000-08:00

THIS ATROCITY really happened! Hubert Blackman, an American Hero, paid a prostitute $275 for a lap dance and a sex act inside the time frame of an hour. She left after half an hour. How can such a deserving man as Hubert Blackman not get the time he paid for with a hooker? How DARE the police ALMOST ARREST HIM??? This is an outrage!!! When you partake in illegal activity, you expect to not get ripped off right? And as long as this is America, I expect the cops to back me up on this one. Our stunning protagonist, Hubert Blackman, is suing the escort agency for 1.8 million and a refund, but I personally think he is entitled to 1.8 billion. And furthermore, I demand free sex for Hubert Blackman!

FREE SEX FOR HUBERT BLACKMAN

Battlecry. Not the sissy kind of cry. Not for sissies. We must join forces together and protest the rich and powerful escort agency to win back rights for Hubert Blackman, and, for all of us. Americans.

*Justice. A dish best served hot and wet.*

Baxter is back in Business

2011-02-10T18:14:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't been able to update in awhile. In mid-October, I obtained a job at a daycare center, so I've been in jail for a few months. Prison was fun, but that's not what I'm here to talk about. I am here to talk about volcanoes. This is a very important issue to me. There are over 700 volcanoes in the world. Volcanoes are deadly, so we need to watch out for them. Here are some signs that you may be at risk to volcanoes:

1. You are a citizen of Pompeii in the year 79.
2. You are over the age of 79.
3. You are susceptible to hot lava* or debris
4. You are gay**

*If you are/were really really good at playing Don't Touch the Ground Because It's Lava, you might be ok.
**Gays are especially susceptible to volcanoes because Jesus is particularly vindictive toward them. They just really, really offend him.

If you are attacked by a volcano:

1. Take your snake (always have a snake with you) and wrap it around your neck
2. Do 23 jumping jacks
3. Spit on the ground 4 times and say "hallelujah" while you rotate in a circle
4. Sit down. Jesus will take pity on you if you are worthy, and if you are not worthy, then good riddance.

Now, these are some good tips to keep in mind in the meantime, but in the future, my plan will be implemented for safety purposes. My plan is to destroy all volcanoes. We will send out all the poor people to plant bombs inside of the core, and explode them from the inside. Killing two birds with one stone.

My Plan for the Future Part II (How to Save America's Educational System)

2010-10-05T22:38:00.000-07:00

One question that everyone is asking these days is "What is wrong with the school system?" "What can we do to improve test scores, etc.?" America's youth is failing. That's the fact of the matter. Teachers have suggested dopey things like longer class periods, and adding more technology to the classroom. Longer class periods? Um, hello... I remember when I was in school, and the last thing I wanted was longer class periods. And, technology? Well, that wouldn't be so bad, but we don't want the wrong kids getting ahold of that stuff... Let me explain.

The 1960s were revolutionary and all the baby boomers protested against stuff and "freed theyre spirits," yes, but let's not forget that everyone in the 60s was on drugs. We can't trust all the decisions that were made within that decade. One decision, "Integration," is the worst of them all. Today's youth has been brainwashed into thinking that diversity is good. Why would anyone think that fights breaking out on campus and black kids selling drugs to innocent white folk is good?

Do you know why they call it "race"? I'll tell you why. Because each color has there own path to "race" through. And when they intermingle, it just muddles everything up and people get confused and end up not crossing the finish line. That's why we should have equal but separate learning facilities. Regarding technology, the white students will receive Macs and the black students will be given the Windows that the current white students are through with at the time of the commencement of the Separate but Equal Program. It will be like the No Child Left Behind program, but taken a step further to ensure satisfactory results.

My Plan for the Future Part I (How to Save America's Economy)

2010-09-28T18:51:00.000-07:00

Plato said:

"Slavery is essential for the economy to thrive."

Slavery has been around for centuries, millennia even. Many years ago it was an integral, non-discriminatory aspect of Greek and Roman society, and it was probably the best thing about Egypt. A couple hundred years ago, it was around in America, utilizing the Africans to they're fullest potential for booming economic growth in the South.

It is present today in the form of life's greatest pleasure. The sex trade industry is lucrative and always growing. Every day, another deserving man gets to enjoy the wonders of sex, due to the generous efforts of pimps all over the world. Each year, millions of workers are recruited and billions of dollars are made. (If you don't already own any underground stock in this business, I suggest you buy in now by clicking here.) The slave traders take silly women who aren't really doing anything with there little lives and make them useful. Sounds great, right?

Well, I think that here in America we should implement the old ways once again, only with things other than sex. We can simultaneously solve population problems in Asia and economic problems here in the all-mighty U.S. of A. by recruiting workers from densely populated areas like India, and the flatlands of China. We can take the children of the brothels in India and give them menial task work to do, like cleaning houses, harvesting corn and filing papers.

The first step is to conquer the land, which the Bush Administration started in the vulnerable Middle East, but we still have a long way to go. China is a tough adversary; the Chinese are a synchronized mass of rough and godless people who are very skilled in the martial arts. We need support from every man, woman and child to make this work. Sign my petition to lobby by clicking here.

Little Known Facts

2010-09-26T17:06:00.000-07:00

Jesus is actually pronounced Hayzoos. He was named after the Roman God Zeus. On a lesser note, Joseph is actually pronounced Hoseph.

Elvis Presley DID die. But he will come back when the world ends and save everyone who believed that he never died.

John Lennon killed Elvis and then died of karma.

Jesus is a member of the GAY community.

GAY stands for Guys Against the YMCA.

Jesus is against the YMCA because it promotes homosexuality.

To digress, Animal Collective sounds like someone with down syndrome trying to make music.

Food and Sex

2010-09-24T18:04:00.000-07:00

I wish I had a Tempurpedic, so that I could place food on my bed next to me without worrying about a spill. I like eating on my bed because it is a comfortable location in which it is socially acceptable to be nude. If you are naked anywhere else, and someone sees you, they will be like "What the fuck?"--unless they were a dirty hippie, in which case they would hit on me and suggest some sort of "gang bang" and then I would have to kill him because I am NOT a homosexual-- Except in the bathroom. But that's not a good place to eat.

Have you ever tried eating while having sex? I haven't. I would think it to be phenomenal, since it combines the two best things in the world. What do people really live for, aside from eating and sexing?

Here is a list of the best foods in the world:

BACON
fried chicken
sirloin steak (extra rare. there has to be blood)
lunchables
babies*

*You may think it is wrong to eat babies, but think of it this way: if you are eating them while having sex then its ok because its like recycling. Just be sure to ditch the condom. I personally would not use a condom so that my partner could get pregnant, so that the bitch can have an abortion. Then I could really feast.

Movie Talk

2010-09-23T10:31:00.000-07:00

I don't usually watch indie movies, or chick movies. I only watch Survivorman and porn. This morning, though, to break the monotonous pattern, I watched a Sundance film called "Adam" about a guy named Adam who has a disease called Ass Burgers. Ass Burgers basically means your socially retarted. Its directly related to autism but its not as bad, and hes not as smart as autistic people. The movie is about him coming out of his introspective shell to try to be with a pretty girl that has recently moved into his apartment building.

Watching the movie got me pondering upon what it would be like to lack the ability to process my own emotions. If I felt sad, I wouldn't know what to do about it. If I felt happy, I wouldn't see the correlation between the feeling and the cause of the feeling. The world would be a confusing place. So dizzying, that I would probably retreat to my mind 24/7, unless a pretty girl moved into my apartment building, in which case I would try to do her. If I tried to tap that as I am now, I would certainly succeed. However, if I had Ass Burgers, I might fail because I would be unable to respond to the girl's emotional needs, and we all know how hysteric women can get when you don't know what they're thinking all of the time. If I had Ass Burgers, I would use it as an excuse to touch boobies.

Jesus Speaks

2010-09-22T08:57:00.000-07:00

I am NOT a Christian, but I do believe in Jesus. He died precariously for your sins, and so you are required to accept him into your heart or else you will go to Hell. I, on the other hand, do not need to give anybody access into my heart because I do not sin. "What?" you might say, "Everybody sins! What makes you so different?" Well, I shall divulge. Jesus talks to me. He tells me things; personal things. He tells me about his hopes and fears, and his deepest thoughts. He talks to me about his childhood; about living up to His Father. Try not to get jealous, but He tells me that I'm special. He has said to me "Baxter, You are not a sinner. You are worthy of eternal blessing. If I were to flood the Earth, I would save only You. You are my Best Friend."
Once again, I must reiterate that I am not a Christian. I do not follow the Christian ways, however I do believe in Jesus, for he has spoken to Me.

What I Think of Strippers

2010-09-21T09:05:00.000-07:00

Strippers can suck my cock because I hate them. There just women who couldnt find a husband. Either because they are ugly or they have some sort of personality flaw, like opinionated or there a whore. A lot of them are whores. I will give them 50 bucks to suck my cock every time I go to a strip club. I got kicked out of the last club I went to because I started fingering a girl and then she slapped me in the face and told the manager and that little bitch kicked me in the nutsack! How could she! I mean what a floozy! And I told the manager, "Who are you gonna believe, me, or some stripper floozy who whores around for a living?" at which point the bouncers picked me up and carried me outside and threw me out on the curb. Strippers can suck my cock.

Wanna hear a joke?

2010-09-20T08:28:00.000-07:00

Feminism. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHA! That was a good one. Haha, I'm still sort of laughing....

So, these "feminists" have been wanting for years to rule the world. It all started with this suffrage nonsense. The little ladies wanted their opinions to count for something, so that eventually they could immasculate all men. They wanted birth control so that they could slut around without anyone knowing. After birth control was invented, they could have pre-marital sex with anyone they wanted and still call themselves virgins. But who would want to have sex with them anyways, with theyre hairy legs and picket signs and lack of bras. They want equal wages? Ha! That's another great joke. What did they do to deserve it? Did they cut wood and hunt bears and build shelter for thousands of years? No, that was men. Men deserve higher wages than women. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate women. They are beautiful creatures, just not as smart. I just want the rights to what my fathers earned. Women can't do as much anyway because they're brains are smaller and their weaker. Why should they get the same amount of money when they can't do the job as well? I think its greedy of the feminists to want more than they are getting. What do you think?

Gay Marriage

2010-09-20T08:04:00.000-07:00

A popular topic in today's culture is whether or not the gays should be allowed to marry. Gay marriage is legal in six states. The question to ask is, how will this affect us? The gays think that it won't affect anyone but themselves. They think that they can just live their gay little lives with their gay partners and shove it all in our face, as if their proud of it--They prance around like little sissy-faeries and bend over for anyone who asks. If you ask me, I'd say they're a bunch of sluts--And they think that we won't care. Want to know what I think? I think it will affect the whole world. Hasn't anyone seen the Butterfly Effect? I think that gay people are gross and they have AIDS. Know what I think about that? Good. It's all for the better. I hope that they all get AIDS and die. And they should have to marry to the opposite gender so that they spread AIDS and kill them, too. They're partners deserve it for marrying a gay.

Abortion

2010-09-18T19:21:00.000-07:00

So, theres turmoil on the home-front. And the battle is over the woman's right to choose, or the baby's right to live. Right-winged Evangelists believe that God (is real and) gave you a baby, so goddammit you're gonna have that baby whether you like it or not, even if it takes nine months out of your life and leaves stretch-marks and you can't afford to take care of it and if you give it up for adoption you will pine for its heart forever! And dykey feminist liberals are too busy growing their armpit hair and trying to be men to have children, and they believe that there more important than all other people, so they don't have to have the baby, but lesser sissy women can pop a few out if they want.

Personally, I believe that everyone should get an abortion, whether they want one or not. Here's why:

a. Umm helloooo! Earth is over-populated! Too many Chinese people!

b. Abortion is good for your uterus. It's a great way to to deep-cleanse your lady parts; far more effective than douching.

c. Babies suck. They cry all night and poop and pee and when they come out, they ruin the vagina, and then, just in case that wasn't enough, they ruin the titties too! Tit-ties.

d. People suck! And in case you haven't noticed, babies turn into people. Babies=People. Get it? Which brings us back to point a. Too many Chinks!