I Heart Wal-Mart

I Am So Coy!

Wed, 26 Oct 2005 09:11:44 -0600

Everyone has been complaining for ages how I don't care for the environment and I don't care about my employees by not giving them healthcare. With the new movie coming out in November exposing these things about me, I decided I needed to do a little damage control!

New stickers with my beautiful face

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 11:30:18 -0600

I'm not satisfied with destroying communities the old fashion way. Oh no, no. That's just getting boring. Now I want to deface them too! Finally, you can put my likeness on every available surface in your town! Muhahaha! So go buy some and get started already!

A little proselytizing

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 22:01:25 -0600

Check out my first commercial: "The Gospel According to Sam Walton". Starring James Cromwell (from Six Feet Under and Babe) and Frances Fisher (from Titanic).

Not that this is relevant.. but I'd like to go titanic on Babe and send the little piggie six feet under. Make some pork sauage dirt cheap. I did make good money on that film though. Actually, quite a lot of money come to think of it.

Anyway.. this is the first video from my new television network -- WM*TV. If you have any videos glorifying me, send them my way and I'll put them up.

Out to Lunch

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 14:48:14 -0600

I can't believe there are so many people out there that try to find the smallest things possible to come after me for! It is never ending!

The latest is people complaining over not getting lunch breaks! Come on! With what I pay them, they can't afford to buy lunch anyway!

My great successes

Tue, 13 Sep 2005 19:31:50 -0600

Wal-Mart Watch highlights some of my great successes:

1. My broken promises in Lewiston Maine.

2. The classic bait-and-switch in Cleveland Ohio.

3. My all or nothing proposal in Stoughton Wisconsin.

4. A favorite of mine -- dividing and conquering in Chicago.

5. and strong-arming in Flagstaff Arizona.

Yes, indeed. Some of my finest accomplishments. Hahahaha

I'm So Pretty

Thu, 25 Aug 2005 14:10:13 -0600

Ralph Lauren, Oscar De La Renta, Tommy Hillfiger, Donna Karan... Walmart!

Shut down in Gresham Oregon

Wed, 17 Aug 2005 15:38:47 -0600

Gresham Oregon shut down my plans for a new store. No respect! I'm really getting sick of this. A group called "Gresham First" -- more like Gresham Last, the idiots.

I'd Rather Be Drinking

Wed, 17 Aug 2005 15:38:04 -0600

Everyone that works for me, knows that I'm not the biggest fan of alcohol. It seems to always make me sick (my one weakness), and on top of that, I've seen some of my "workers" come in after a long night of drinking, and they certainly don't put in a very good effort under this influence (I mean, come on! I'm paying them $5.00 an hour, I want to hear backs breaking!). That's why I've banned my "workers" from drinking anywhere near the job, on my property, and even at functions sponsored by me for the company(you know, what we at Wal-Mart like to refer to as benefits). However, liquor certainly does have its place: in my stores!

New York Will Be Mine

Wed, 10 Aug 2005 20:35:36 -0600

My lackey, Lee Scott, in New York Magazine: "We'd still be a large, successful company without being in New York, but there are customers there who need to be served. I think New York will be good for us and we'll be good for New York."

And make no mistake, he added emphatically, "We will be in New York."

Let This Be a Lesson To You!

Tue, 02 Aug 2005 12:06:23 -0600

Tom Coughlin, a former Vice Chairman of my company has done the unthinkable. The unimaginable, the preposterous, the ridiculous! The man STOLE from me and my company! Time to teach all my slaves (oops, I mean WORKERS!) what will happen to them if they get the same idea!

Healthcare, Arizona and Me!

Tue, 02 Aug 2005 08:56:29 -0600

More people are complaining about the good works that I’m doing! This time it’s healthcare! Why can’t states stop worrying about such unimportant issues such as healthcare and start worrying about giving large corporations (like myself) huge tax breaks, just like the President does!

Not Another One!

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 11:01:40 -0600

First it was the women, now it's the disabled. When will people wake up and realize: I'm just giving them jobs?!?

Fire Mark O'Brien!

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 11:20:08 -0600

What do I have to do to get a little love in Pensacola? Some local yokel with a newspaper column (a newspaper I put in my stores, no less!) dissed my grand vision for this town. Obviously, Mark O'Brien hates Pensacola. So, for the good of the people, I replaced that stupid rag on my news stand with a couple romance novels.. Just looking out for the folks.

What would you expect a good newspaper guy to do? Fire the idiot that dissed me and got his newspaper removed... right? Nope. Randy Hammer won't do that, and instead chose to continue spewing anti-Pensacola hatred.

So email the Hammer (RandyHammer@PensacolaNewsJournal.com), and tell him to FIRE MARK O'BRIEN FOR HATING PENSACOLA!

UPDATE: Errr... uhhh... nevermind.

"unfavorable opinions"

Fri, 22 Jul 2005 12:12:20 -0600

What is this?! Ahh... so you don't like me so much do you? Well, tough. I OWN you, your town, your politicians and your economy, Learn to like it.

The High's and Low's

Thu, 21 Jul 2005 08:48:35 -0600

Hi Low, Hi Low
It's off to work I go,
Low prices make me smile,
Please don't take me to trial,
Hi Low, Hi Low Hi Low Hi Low Hi Low
It's off to work I go,
How do I sell so low?
I'm a global exploiter, yeah so?
Hi Low, Hi Low Hi Low Hi Low Hi Low,
Disney does it too you know,
As our prices go low,
out the door our ethics go,
Hi Low, Hi Low Hi Low Hi Low, Hi Low,
I'm a conservative too you know,
Conservative prices and political views,
Plan B is bad news
High Low, Hi Low Hi Low Hi Low, Hi Low
It's off to work I go,
I love to play tricks
And I get rich quicks,
Hi Low, Hi Low Hi Low Hi Low, Hi Low,
How low will I actually go?
Just watch my documentary
And you can learn all about me
Hi Low, Hi Low Hi Low Hi Low