I just learned I have ADHD, now what?

Holding My Emotions Inside

2010-03-06T17:11:00.000-06:00

I haven't written here in a while again. I am actually trying to get started on a non-anonymous blog and maybe it would continue my story of ADHD and bulimia but with less personal details. Or maybe one day it will all be completely out there in the open. I don't know what I want yet.

But I have been binging and purging almost every day. I ended up in the hospital at one point because I had a stomach virus too and was binging and purging on top of being sick and feverish and I became dehydrated, my potassium levels got dangerously low, and I got to a state of not being able to keep anything down. And I know most people would think that would motivate me to stop - that I would look at that and say "hey, I can't keep doing this because it is killing me". But nope, I was binging and purging the following night that I got back from the hospital. Less than 24 hours later.

So, a week later and only one night off from binging and purging, I have had to take serious action. Because I went almost 2 years without it. I CAN DO THIS and I must. But part of it is me holding my emotions in. Because I am in the middle of this divorce and I am moving out to my own place and I'm trying to work 2 jobs that aren't bringing money in right now really and my soon to officially be ex husband is passive aggressive and just stressing me out so badly. And the dr I have been dating is still in the picture. And he is incredible. He learns and pays attention and I asked him for more and he gave me more and I love him.

I love him and I am not telling him. It has been a mere 4 months first. Also, I know not to be the first to say it. Men need to be the first to say it. And I feel like he feels it, but he will tell me when he is ready. I will wait. But I hold it in. When we are together in his bedroom and he is kissing me and touching me I feel "I love you" shaping on my lips but without sound. If he looked at me and could read lips though he would see it. And holding it in has been hurting me too. Because I hold it in, and I don't say it and I go home and I want to purge because it is all stuffed down in there and I need to get it out. Purging is how I get my feelings out. I stuff them down and then purge. And right now I have so many feelings, so many and strong and conflicting with the divorce and financial worries about if I can make it on my own and my son living with me and just us alone, and loving the dr and my ex hating me. So many feelings stuffed down and every night I stuff them down deep with food and then I purge and get them out so I can cope again. And after I purge I feel numb and nothing - no more feelings to deal with or keep stuffed down. And then I can go out the next day and handle the new feelings again. So much... and I can't do it.

So I am reading New Psycho-Cybernetics again and working through the exercises in there. I read that in high school and it really did a world of difference. And I am also taking this free emotional intelligence course online that I am really finding helpful: http://www.emotionalintelligencecentral.org/. And so today I am going to start the first day of not holding my emotions in as deeply. Somehow I will get them out to people, share them and not hold them in. But I still cannot tell the dr I love him yet. So I have to say it here, because it has to come out of me somehow, holding it in is literally killing me. I love him, I love him, I love him... Deeply and truly and strongly and forever I love this man and I want him and need him in my life and want to find new ways to make him happy everyday and I want to watch as he does the same for me because I know he will, because he has already and I know he will continue. For as long as it is meant to be, it will be wonderful and I love him. And one day he will tell me and I will tell him.

Once Upon a Time, I loved Christmas

2009-12-25T10:54:00.000-06:00

It is Christmas morning and right now I should be cooking dinner for my ex-husband's family since they are coming over today. Yes, maybe there is still some paperwork to complete and we still live in the same house, but he is my ex and has been for so long. Anyways, I went for a run this morning after putting the turkey in the oven, and come back and my son has opened up all his stocking presents while I was out.

My ex KNOWS how much the stocking tradition means to me, or he should after all these years. Not to mention that he didn't contribute a DAMN THING to my son's stockings. I went out and bought the items, and even bought my ex a couple of small things to be nice, but it doesn't matter. So I am sitting here in my room with the door locked still sweaty from running and tears are streaming down my face because I don't know how to leave any sooner. And I MISSED the first Christmas stocking moment with my son where he is old enough to open the gifts and understand mostly what is going on. I gave his first trick or treating to my ex and his mom... I have let my ex have so much time and freedom with my son and he doesn't even wait 1 hour for me to come back.

Christmas used to be my favorite holiday. Until I got married, and then my ex who hates Christmas and is a certified grinch year round has ruined it again for me. Like every year. And so I told him he could cook everything and entertain his own damn family 'cause I was leaving and maybe I'll just go find a coffee shop and work on my business website or something.

I'm supposed to go see my incredibly sweet, scared doctor tonight while he is at the hospital. But I don't know if that will even happen. He hasn't replied back yet with directions and information about what time works and I know he is nervous about me being there anyways. I don't know how to show him I am not someone to fear. And then who am I to talk because I am scared to death of him too in some ways. I know I will fall in love with him if he gives me the time and is open to it. I just don't know how to protect myself from the hurt that will follow inevitably.

Today is Christmas and it is a time to be with family and friends. My friends are all gone for the holiday and I have no family anymore. I don't understand how it all went so wrong the last few years. I finally found the solution, the things I can do to be happy and the right medication to help me and all getting better has done is left me alone. I think I will always be alone, and it doesn't bother me to think about being an old lady dying at home alone and no one finding her for a week. I don't care about that.

I just want people to LIVE with. To explore new places and ideas and who can understand how to love without judgement. I know I'm not perfect, and I'm impatient for sure. I interrupt and can say really offensive, tactless things. But I also remember the dreams in which I was shown what it means to be loved, to feel loved, and to truly love. And I want to share that with people... they just don't want to receive it. And I just can't take all this rejection anymore. What is it about me that is so hard to love? I don't understand why God made me this way only to make people dislike the way I am.

And on top of it, here I am crying on Christmas morning, and feeling down on myself. Only I didn't do anything wrong, my ex did and I sit here feeling like worthless crap. He can explain to his family that he has been an asshole to me for the past 5 years and that is why they have no Christmas dinner and I am not home. There are lots of New Year's Resolutions I could make, but I'm only going to make one... that next Christmas there is no grinch and I am surrounded by people who do love me.

Notice something missing?

2009-12-24T09:41:00.000-06:00

So, if I have anyone reading this regularly then you will notice a bunch of posts have been deleted. I hate doing it because it is authentic writing but the internet has far reaching arms and I cannot afford to have all of this come back and "bite me" in the ass down the line. The posts aren't deleted, but saved on a disc which will probably end up lost in a box and forgotten one day like all things.

But instead, I am going to try and refill the empty space with authentic posts that I can perhaps explain later on should my friends or family come across them without feeling like a complete and pathological liar... even if I probably am one.

So, it is Christmas Eve and I am still on the Vyvanse 60mg in the morning and 10mg Adderall in the evenings. I only have paperwork and time standing between me and the complete ending of my marriage at this point. I just need to get my career started and learn to take care of my son and I on our own.

I'll try and update as I can, but I am also going to be blogging for my business website on completely different topics.

I WILL still answer emails and moderate comments though, even if it might take me a week sometimes. So please ask away and if nothing else, I can use your questions to form what I blog about.

Where do I start?

2009-11-01T15:07:00.003-06:00

So here I am posting again. I think it has been at least a year since the last one. A lot of things in my life have been changing and documenting everything here might take a while, but I am going to try.

I am still on the 60mg Vyvanse in the mornings and 10mg Adderall in the afternoons. I have still been bulimia free for the most part. I had a couple of months recently when my life got over the top stressful and I just couldn't cope any other way but the food and the bulimia. But even still, I am talking about relapsing 4 or 5 times total since all of this began so I am still doing really well there. And it was weird... the binges and then purges that I have had recently were a lot different from the old ones in that I felt more aware and accepting. My therapist had said many times that I needed to understand and accept that the bulimia was a coping mechanism for me that I had learned, and that it was there to serve a purpose that helped me in some ways and all of this never made any sense to me until recently. I was able to follow her instructions that she used to give me about allowing myself to go through with the bingeing if that is what I really needed... and to actively think about what I was getting out of it that helped me. Being able to do this process and really try and seek out what I was specifically getting from the bulimia really helped me. Over the few times that I did it, all of which were spaced about a week apart... I learned what was really driving me to that point of no return and what the eating disorder was "giving" me that I wasn't able to get another way.

And the whys and things I learned are a very long story that I will try and explain here. I will have to start months ago when it all began early in the year. But, when I did figure it out - the bulimia became easier to fight again.

I do want to get the whole story out and I think I need to keep posting here and updating. I still have received emails after not updating for so long and I'm learning that there are more and more women out there finally learning that the thing that was always a little "off" their whole life was undiagnosed ADD/ADHD. And if telling my story of how I'm living with it and really learning a whole new way to live my life now that I understand can help others out there at all, then I need to tell it. So I will start weeding through the unanswered emails and keep posting here regularly now.

Coping With A Busy Schedule

2009-05-12T11:21:00.003-05:00

So, I really haven't been keeping up with my blogging at all. Life has been enormously crazy. My son was diagnosed in September with fluid filled Eustachian tubes. Basically, he had sterile fluid in his ears that could have been there since birth, or could have settled in sometime after. As a result, he was hearing as though he was underwater in a pool and everyone else was outside the water. He could hear loud noises and garbled sounds when people spoke, but it had severely limited his speech development. He had to have tubes put in his ears, (a minor surgery), and has since had to start speech therapy twice a week to help him catch up. I had suspected something because he just wasn't talking at all. And this confirmed it. Both my husband and my sister had to have tubes put in their ears when they were very young also, so I guess the tiny Eustachian tube thing is genetic.

My son's language skills are rapidly developing since with him using lots more syllables and he understands me now and tries to communicate back. The speech therapists also are concerned, however, that he could have mild dyspraxia. This, of course, freaks me out and has me worried on so many levels as a parent and wondering if he does have this than is it something I did? During my pregnancy I was trying hard to eat right and took my pre-natal vitamins everyday, but I was also still binging and purging. And then there is the long history in my family of having lesser degrees of mental issues and ADHD. I still don't completely understand dyspraxia as it is a very general term for a wide variety of problems, but it is basically an inability to act with intention. In my son's case, it appears that when he tries to speak, the signals from his brain telling his mouth and tongue how to act don't necessarily reach it correctly making it harder for him to speak. It also seems to affect his playing and fine motor skills. However, the doctors aren't even positive he has it and if he does, say that it isn't very severe at all and so he continues in speech therapy and sees an occupational therapist once a week also to help with motor planning.

So, I'm at the therapy center 3times/week, plus I am fitting in running, and regular errands plus the regular doctor's appts that my son and I need to keep up. And it is really hectic. Some days I just feel like calling and canceling all my appts and staying in bed. I haven't done that, but I do get overwhelmed at times. The running helps, and I'm still on the 60mg Vyvanse in the morning and then I take 10mg of Adderall in the afternoon. I have remained binge/purge free, but I still have days when I find my mind wandering to thoughts of a binge. I just try and relax and tell myself if I really want to go and do that, I can. But with the medication's help, my mind never gets to the planning process of getting the food and going through with it and so I manage one day at a time. And it isn't as hard as it used to be most days. The nightmares of binging and purging are also much less frequent. It definitely helps when I'm not waking up first thing in the morning from having binged all night in my dreams to get through the rest of the day without too much stressing about it.

But I do find myself more scatter-brained with such a busy schedule and I forget things unless I write them down. I also have developed a stomach ulcer. I think that is from the stress of a busy schedule plus the drama of World of Warcraft raiding. I don't think anyone would understand what WoW raiding and guild drama is like unless they have played the game and been in a raiding guild. But it definitely has been incredibly stressful as of late. I don't think it would help to go into the details, but it is probably fair to say that it is a lot like being the chairman on the board of directors of a company that is feeling the crunch of the economic crisis, but without necessarily the actual real life consequences if you make the wrong decision. But, there is very real conflict and drama within the people you play with in the game and it has been wearing on me. And this has probably been a good thing, because as a result, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about what I would do if I wasn't playing the game so much, and that perhaps now is a good time to start extricating myself from the game.

All this thought has definitely made me realize I am still so afraid of the bulimia returning full force. They talk about how addictions including computer games create an environment where the person can still be in denial of their problems, that it allows them to escape from them and ignore the real issues. I am definitely realizing just how much this is true for me with WoW. I am definitely using this game to try and stave off facing my eating disorder, and the problems in my marriage and just the issues I have in life right now that are stressing me out. I hide in the game and ignore the life around me because I just don't know what to do sometimes, or I'm just too worn out to try and fix them. So I need to start looking up from my computer more and start finding little ways to sort through things, and cope with them better. And that is going to be my goal for the summer along with weaning myself out of the game. I don't know if I would necessarily completely stop playing but I imagine I will get bored with it once I start dealing with these other issues. I've already found myself facing this the past week as I've wrestled with my concerns and finally admitted what was going on with everything to myself. The game has far less appeal once I realize that I'm not really playing it to have fun, but to hide. So that is a positive step I hope and just need to keep moving forward.

So much is going on right now, it is hard to sit and pick what to focus on so that I'm not overwhelmed by how much there is to work through. But I'm trying to keep focus and to just keep moving towards and more stable and happier life. The past two years have had so many changes and there are so many more to come that I just need to take deep breathes and not let it get me down. Easier said than done, but I can look back at what I have already accomplished and use those to remind me I can do this: like not binging and purging anymore, getting through my slipped disc injury, and remaining committed to my running program.

The most wonderful time of the year

2008-11-04T10:00:00.003-06:00

I know the title is more normally thought of Christmas specifically, but nowadays the Christmas items are on the shelf before Halloween has even passed and where I live, the weather is only just starting to cool down. I love Christmas and winter. I used to dread Halloween and Thanksgiving however. Last year was the first year I made it through a Thanksgiving without bingeing and purging. Now, I have been bulimia-free for over a year. And I say that, though I don't know if I will ever truly be completely free. Living with bulimia is a lot like what I imagine alcoholism is like, or a drug addiction. Even if you aren't drinking, smoking, or throwing up... the desire to do so is still there sometimes. But the Vyvanse has made the compulsion to do so only a quiet desire that pops up here or there. If I'm hungry and out at the store then sometimes it might hit as I pass the bakery. But the time when it hits the hardest is during seasonal stuff like Halloween, Easter, Christmas... when the holiday candy is given its own 2-3 eisle section in the stores. Walking past those sections always increases the urge to binge and purge. But it gets better. I barely noticed the Halloween candy this year, and I learn to just avoid it.

So how is the rest of my life going? It is going pretty good. I spoke to my Dr. about a booster and he suggested Adderall. For the past month now I've been taking 5mg of Adderall in the afternoon about 4pm which is a little before I start to feel the Vyvanse wear off. 5mg is a pretty small dose but it is very effective. My mood feels much more evened out now and I am not screaming at my husband again some nights when he is home late or some other little thing happens. It has also had a nice side effect that I never would have expected. My sex drive has returned after being pretty much absent since having the baby. I don't understand why and I'm not sure I really have any theories, but a couple of nights into taking the Adderall, I found I was feeling a little 'randy'. Having not felt in the mood for over a year other than during occasional sex dreams I have at night, it has been nice to have that part of me return finally.

The biggest change I have noticed over the past year though has been the awareness I have now of what is going on inside me emotionally. When I'm doing too much and need to just stop and slow down, I notice and can do that and ask for help. Before I never would have noticed and understood all of that. I would have just ignored all that I was feeling and bingeing and purging was a way for me to just get rid of all those feelings. I know that sounds cliche and I spent a lot of time in therapy with therapists telling me that but it never really struck a cord with me before because I just wasn't aware of my internal voice.

A week with an afternoon boost...

2008-10-07T11:24:00.003-05:00

So, I went in to see my Dr. about a week ago and we talked about how late afternoons I am definitely feeling the meds wearing off still. I had started a diet dr. pepper break around 4 or 4:30 without even realizing that my need for that caffeine boost was coming right as my meds were withdrawing from my system. My doctor decided to prescribe short acting adderall and is having me try 1 or 2 5mg tablets in the later afternoon. Ideally I'm trying to take them when that caffeine fix desire starts to hit. And it isn't like the normal addicted to caffeine getting a headache kind of thing. I just start to feel more distracted and definitely more irritable. I started off taking the 5mg size the first few days, and noticed a small change, so I took the 10mg to see what it was like and really I'm on the fence about which size is better.

I did notice one strange (and good) thing about the 10mg day so far, and it makes me want to continue on the dose to see if I get similar results. But, that evening I was watching some TV before bed listening to the baby monitor to see if he was finally going to sleep and he did. So I got up to go to bed and my husband was coming down the stairs to put some dishes in the sink and help lock up the house, and I gave him a hug and just this urge to start kissing him and well... do more came over me. That is a first for a long time. I cannot even remember the last time my husband and I actually had sex. It is complicated, and maybe everyone has problems like this in their marriages and just doesn't talk about them. I know I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. I love my husband, and I love having sex. And once upon a time, my husband and I had a great sex life when we were dating. But, as we got more serious relationship-wise, my husband got less serious about foreplay and whatnot... plus I'm sure my ADHD complicated it even more by me wanting more stimulation and excitement and less predictability. Plus, my husband doesn't last that long once we get started... and typically he is done right as I'm really getting into it. So, after a few years of disappointment, it is just easier to not bother. And having the baby always between us so to speak makes it easier to just avoid.

I have tried talking to my husband about it, we tried marriage counseling for a little while, but my husband just won't deal with it. So, I'm not really sure what to do in regards to having a sex life. But, with all of that plus the stress of a baby and his work and just general real life, I usually only get turned on in my dreams at night. I have wonderful vivid sex dreams and usually the man in them is my husband, so that is just what I have gotten used to. But, the other night, I just felt that warm burning again... and it was very nice. I'm wondering if it is the medication or if it was just a random occurrence of us continuing to try and work on things. Because, we do keep trying.. we both love each other and just don't know what to do I guess.

Anyways, I might keep trying the 10mg of Adderall in the evening and see what happens. It is a different feeling from the Vyvanse and yet, the same. When the Vyvanse first starts working, I feel more anxious and restless. The adderall is much smoother and I barely notice it kicking in. Part of it may be because I am taking it before the Vyvanse is completely worn off, so it isn't such a jump to my system, and maybe part of it is the lower dose. I don't really know and maybe people who read this do and can comment. Or if I remember and still want to know, then I can ask my doctor on our follow-up.

Medication Boosts?

2008-09-17T10:15:00.002-05:00

Well, I guess it is mid-September now and I am getting emails asking about how things are and what I'm doing now. I have to admit, I really appreciate those emails and feeling like there are people out there who care about what I have to say and who understand me in a way the people I am closest to really don't.

I'm still on the 60mg Vyvanse morning dose. I have noticed for a very long while now that it doesn't last 12hours, but more like 7-8 hours. The first time I mentioned this to my doctor at the beginning of the year, I was sort of brushed off and that "this was normal and the medication was still working, but some of the initial side effects were just less noticeable now". I know by now when a medication works and doesn't etc... but I have also learned there is no way to reason with a Dr who "knows" he is right. However, the last couple of months, things were more stressful around here with the baby growing taller and learning to climb plus my marathon training has begun again and for some reason, ever since having the baby, my period has been more difficult.

Well, as I have said before, a few days before my period, it almost feels like I'm not on medication anymore some mornings. Everything just gets worse, and I'm super moody and snappy. On top of that I was feeling the medication wearing off earlier because I switched my schedule around. Because my baby wasn't going to sleep until 2 or 3am for a long while, I wasn't waking up and taking my medication until 10 or 11am. So, it would get me through the evening pretty well and wear off after dinner when things were a little calmer around here anyways. As my son grows older though, it just isn't realistic for him to have this sort of schedule. And it has been really hard on me. So, with my marathon training starting up again, we decided to move his schedule. It has taken us a while, but we now have him going to bed by midnight usually. And I hope we get that moved up sooner, but it hasn't been easy, we just try 15min earlier here and there every few days. This means I am getting to bed before 1am and so I'm taking my medication at 8:30am. And now it is wearing off by 6pm, right when the evening is most stressful with my husband coming home and the baby waking up from his nap and I just get snappy and mean.

This is all kind of long and a little randomly composed but I wanted some background in there. So, I had some 50mg Vyvanse from when I was testing doses early on and I started splitting those and taking about 25mg in the afternoons about 4pm. It has really made a noticeable difference. I don't know if that is ideal. And I certainly understand that it isn't using the medications as prescribed, but I'm going to take in what I have experienced the last month or so with a booster in the afternoons and see if that changes my doctor's mind. Even my husband noticed the difference in our evenings, though he didn't know why it got easier.

I guess I'll end it here for now and then update after I see my doctor in the next week and see what happens. The holiday season is approaching and hopefully I will find more time to post here because it will be a more stressful time of year for me, and writing here does make me feel a little better usually.

Do I Really Need to be Perfect?

2008-06-24T12:08:00.005-05:00

So, I know I haven't written in a while. Sometimes when I'm out running, I actually will write a post in my head, but then I get home and I have to get the baby food and take a shower and find food for myself and then I'm playing with the baby and getting him down for his nap, etc.. life has been super busy. So I don't often get to sit down and write anything, and when I do, I am trying to pay bills and email friends who I rarely see.

But I do want to keep updating so everyone reading this can hear how things are going. My son is 16months old now. He is also very active. I see a lot of myself in him and I do worry that he will have ADHD also.. but I remind myself that first, he is a healthy growing boy and is going to be active and it is MUCH too early to diagnose anything like that. And I also need to just tell myself that he won't suffer with it like I did for years, undiagnosed, trying to find ways to cope with something I didn't understand or know I had. There are great treatments out there now and more each year to help this disorder. But I am finding that a lot of new moms are reading this, moms who were also diagnosed right after having the baby, when their symptoms returned after the pregnancy hormones left and now they are finding life so impossible with this needy, crying little infant.

I remember about 2 weeks after giving birth, my son was crying and crying, I knew what he wanted- he wanted to nurse AGAIN for the umpteenth time that day. My breasts were sore and I hadn't slept for more than 30-45min at a time for days. I just wanted to sleep, I didn't want him to cry or need me. I felt so angry at him, and angry and guilty at me for not being able to handle it all. And above all else, I also wanted to binge and purge so badly. I remembered something my doctor had told me... "sometimes it will be too much, so put the baby down in his crib, and he will cry, but he is safer there than in your tired, frustrated arms at that moment". So I just put him in his crib, went into another room and I called my husband in tears so he could come home from work. And then I laid on the bed crying and praying that the baby would forgive me for just leaving him in there while he wailed and wailed. I just couldn't handle another minute right then. And for a very long time after, I felt enormously guilty about that day. My husband came home, he let me sleep for 4 hours, which I desperately needed. He kept the baby happy. But I still felt like I had abandoned my son for the first time, that I had failed then as a mother and was going to harm my son emotionally by him crying there, alone in his crib for 20-30min.

I tell this story now because I think a lot of new moms go through this, whether or not they have ADHD. The ADHD might make it harder, but all moms feel this kind of tug to always be the perfect mom, to be there for their child all the time, no matter how worn out we are. Now, a year and a half later, I can look back and see that I did exactly what I should have done.. I didn't shake my baby, I didn't drive off without him or some other terribly harmful thing, and he is a happy, wonderful child who shows no signs of being harmed by my needing desperately to sleep and take care of myself for a change. But I wasn't able to see all of this: to forgive myself for not being perfect, for not being a super mom and a super wife, until I started on the Vyvanse. Part of my coping mechanisms for having ADHD was to do everything as perfectly as I could, if I never messed up then no one could see something was lacking in me. The biggest change in me over these past few months getting treatment for the ADHD is being able to not only accept that I cannot be perfect, but to not care so much that I'm not perfect.

I don't know how many people with ADHD also develop this desire for perfectionism. I don't know how many people who are perfectionists are also closet-ADHD. But for me, there is clearly a link and being free from all the labor that is required to "be perfect" is such a relief.

My life right now is not perfect... I have bumps in the road daily. But it is definitely smoother than it was before I started medication and treatment for ADHD. I still haven't binged and purged since starting the 60mg daily dose of Vyvanse. I am learning to communicate better with my husband instead of blowing up at him randomly. I am still pretty bad about pulling out cleaning supplies around the house, but my home isn't embarrassingly dirty or messy. I manage to straighten a little everyday and I get the things I need to do done most days.

Running is still a big source of energy and peace for me. But I am not as driven to run as I was unmedicated. I do still find it brings a clarity to my mind, much like the medication does, and it relaxes me and makes me feel more whole. I know that running isn't for everyone. I also know that it is really a hard thing to pick up. But for those reading this who have ADHD and aren't runners, I encourage you to try it. Even if you can only run for a minute or two before you feel you need to stop. Get an inexpensive sports watch with a timer and set it for that minute, and when the alarm goes off, run, then when it goes off again, walk... repeat this until you feel like making it 2 minutes, then 3 and so on. Or just play a game "I'll run to that tree, then I can walk to the one past that" etc. It isn't even about physical fitness or being thin, it is about mental sanity. Some people hear about my running, and they think "she ran 10miles this weekend, there is no way I could do that... " and so they don't want to run at all.. but I didn't start out running that far, and I don't run that far all the time, only after extensive training and building up to it. I have been running for years and years and I still find a 10mile run to be pretty taxing. I started out just running a lap around the track, then I worked up to running farther slowly.

And I'm kind of laughing in my head as I write all that, because it is a good analogy of what I have trouble with in my adhd life. With my adhd also comes impatience and I want things to happen right away. I don't find it easy to take baby steps. But I am learning how to do that now more than I ever did before.

And yes, it is somewhat early in the morning. I know someone made a comment about that - me being able to write more after first taking my meds. It is probably true. I do think more clearly and feel more productive after taking my meds, and that is why I take them. Because otherwise right now I would either still be trying to sleep the 10-14hours I used to need to sleep or I would be planning my next binge/purge. On normal mornings now.. I am eating a healthy breakfast and getting little chores done around the house until my son wakes up instead.

This post is clearly long enough, with way more rambling thoughts on it then it needs. But I'm still here, I'm still taking my medication, and I'm doing better every day as a result. Thank you for your comments and emails and feel free to keep sending them. I will try to respond when my day allows.

An Update for Everyone

2008-04-12T12:00:00.002-05:00

So, yes it has been months since I have posted and I am really amazed that people are reading and commenting on this. I am glad there are other's out there, women in particular, who find my blog helpful. I am still taking the 60mg dose of Vyvanse. (That is 2-30mg pills every morning) I haven't binged and purged since last year right after I started the medication. I still feel like some days my husband and I are talking different languages and he often has to tell me to slow down because he can't keep up with what I'm telling him. But my thoughts have always gone quickly... and the Vyvanse makes it easier for me to now get them out of my mouth, but I still talk fast.

I have been playing computer games a bit too much lately. I really enjoy the MMORPGs and it is so easy to become wrapped up in them day in and day out. Up until about 3weeks ago, I was still running but I pulled a muscle in my back AGAIN and have been on rest duty. I did go to our gym and get a personal trainer who is helping me learn how to stretch properly to regain some flexibility and to strengthen those back muscles that I keep injuring so I won't do it again. I've also been going to the pool now that it is warmer outside and swimming. Swimming is a different kind of exercise from running for me. When I run, it is like my mind calms down, my breathing calms down, everything starts to feel more alive and nice. Swimming gets my breathing into a more rhythmic pattern and I'm floating there as I do my laps and I just get so sleepy. Then after I swim, I'm always hungry which is completely different from running. I could go run for 2hours and not be hungry afterwards but if I swim for 20min even, I'm always starving. I do enjoy swimming a lot and so does my baby.

With my pulled muscle, I couldn't really lift him or play with him as well because it would hurt so much. But I could take him to the pool and I have this floating ring designed for infants to sit in, and I could just take him around the pool in it. I would use the floaty as a sort of kick board and the movement on my legs and lower back of kicking him around the pool is actually really good for helping my injury. Plus, I could take him out of the floaty in the water and hold him and jump around and swim with him because he wouldn't have any weight in the water and so it wouldn't hurt my back. He is a lot like me in his love of the water. Growing up I loved the beach and swimming pools. My mom and grandmother always took me swimming and I was in the pool learning how to swim almost as an infant. My birthday is in January and I'm an Aquarius, and while I know astrology is one of those iffy things, I still like to think that my love of the water and the ocean is related to being an Aquarian. It is an air sign, but also the water bearer.. just like being on a beach with the salty wind blowing and the waves splashing.

I have sort of side-tracked from the ADHD stuff with all of this, but that is what I've been doing lately. I am happy for the most part. I have my down moments, who doesn't. Evenings too, when the meds are wearing off and I'm tired and sore from my back hurting I get snippy. But for the most part, everything is much better with the Vyvanse than before. The biggest thing are the dreams. I have dreams a lot of nights about binging and purging. They are very realistic and are more frequent right before my period. In the dreams I'm always shopping for and buying all the food like I used to. Or I'm at a social function with tons of food and I'm just trying to eat it furtively with plans to go home and throw up. I wake up from them oftentimes feeling like I really did binge and purge and thinking, "oh no, the meds aren't working anymore." Sometimes it will take me most of the next day to realize that I'm not out there binging and purging and that it didn't happen, it was just a dream.

Living with something like Bulimia for as long as I did is hard to remove from the mind I guess. Thought once I'm up for the day and moving around and doing my daily stuff, food and binging is almost always the furthest from my mind. Though sometimes late at night, again especially before my period, I find myself thinking about doing it and how could I fit it into my schedule tomorrow. I am guessing that when I'm tired and my meds have worn off, it is still a coping mechanism for me, something to occupy my mind. The other time it comes to mind is when I'm grocery shopping sometimes and I pass a candy aisle- though usually only around a holiday. Like Christmas candy, valentine's candy, and Easter candy. Easter candy means Cadbury eggs... and jelly beans and those coconut covered cakes and chocolate Easter bunnies. I would take a guess that anyone with a binge-type eating disorder has a love/hate relationship with Easter candy. I would buy up those Cadbury egg 4packs 2-3 at a time and eat all 8-12 in one binge plus all the other food, then the day after Easter, well- that was almost like my Black Friday shopping day. That was the day all the Easter candy was 50% or more off. I would go to 2-3 different grocery stores and buy up as many of those Cadbury eggs as I could on sale. And within maybe a week or two, they would have all been eaten and vomited. I'm not sure why I bring this up really, but it isn't like this is something I can just talk to someone about in a normal conversation, but it was such a big thing. And this past Easter, I remember walking by the candy aisles and thinking about getting some candy and binging and purging on it. But I didn't. And right now talking about it, I don't have the same urge to eat it or binge and purge. It is only at certain times that it comes back. And sometimes, I think about when my son is old enough to go to school, how then I'd be alone during the day unless I went back to work and I could binge and purge during those times. But most of these thoughts really occur late at night, or during really stressful times or during my PMS. So I'm guessing it is something I'll live with for a long time, like alcoholics live with thoughts of wanting to drink for the rest of their lives. But hopefully, the medication will keep working, because I really like not binging and purging.

Oh, and there is the money factor. We aren't wealthy, but we aren't poor either. Even when I was binging and purging, we didn't really struggle for money. But I was easily spending more than $100 a week just on binge food... sometimes more like $200. And now I'm not. Some of that money I am spending on getting a massage every 2 weeks. And we have a baby who goes through diapers and formula now that he isn't nursing anymore plus clothes. We bought him his first pair of shoes, and 3weeks later he had outgrown them! Luckily, we paid about $10 for them at Target... but still... it adds up. But it is nice now, because we are saving that money and I know we'll be able to use it for something down the line and it helps so much with the guilt I was feeling all the time about spending so much money on food I was literally flushing down the toilet.

But, I have to get going. We are having people over this afternoon and I wrote a lot more than I thought I would here.

Birthday ahead

2008-01-23T11:51:00.000-06:00

So, my birthday is coming up this week. And I will be the dreaded 30... though it seems like 30 isn't as bad a number as it used to be. I have noticed most actresses turn 30 and suddenly look a lot better even. I wouldn't say I am going to age gracefully though. And part of that is because I sometimes feel like I have just wasted my 20's away. I spent more time either sleeping or binging and purging then doing anything fun or important. And I know I have ADHD and I'm getting treatment and I'm doing really well on it now. But it is hard not to still look back at all the stuff I missed out on and the time I wasted and feel regret.

But there is still nothing I can do about any of the past. And even if I could, would it be worth it? If I could go back in time and get a diagnosis sooner, Vyvanse wasn't around until recently, so they would put me on some other medication. Would it have been as effective, or would it not have worked that well or consistently such that I just moved on and didn't keep taking it like how unsuccessful all the anti-depressants were for me. Or let's say it all worked out, and I managed to stay on track in college for pre-med like I had originally wanted, and I was a genetic engineer instead of a stay at home mom. I might not have met my husband and had my beautiful baby. Sure, maybe I would have met another man and had a different baby, but I am very happy with my husband and child and couldn't imagine wanting to turn them into someone else. And if you are wondering, yes I think about these kinds of things a lot. Especially back before the Vyvanse- how it would be if I could go back in time and tell myself how to avoid the bumps in the road. But as I steered through and around those bumps, I made it to where I am now. So I have to remember that I am happy now... and that means that I had to go through my past to get here.

But, I don't really want to do anything for my birthday. I had talked to my husband back before Christmas about having a big party and having him help me plan it. But he really didn't get involved, and I have become such a homebody that it almost feels like it would be better to just let the day go by without doing anything. Though I'm hoping my husband does have some little surprise for me... I know he hasn't forgotten it is my birthday or anything, but I do feel like there is a good chance the day will arrive and he won't have anything planned or a card or anything. And if that happens, I will be pretty hurt. But he usually surprises me with things like this, so I should just have more faith.

And my baby is turning 1 3 weeks after my birthday. And so I'm planning his first birthday party. And that will be more fun anyways, and easier because you don't need a big ordeal for a baby party. I got invitations yesterday that I'm going to mail out to family. It will just be grandparents and hopefully my sister and her husband. And I'm terrible at making cakes- they require so much attention to details, but I really want to make my baby's first birthday cake. And at the same time I'm really worried that I could do all the baking and it end up being a terrible looking cake. And so I'm stressing about that, but I have baked cakes before and even when they don't look incredible, they still tasted good. But I might have to bake a cake in the next week as a trial run to see how it goes. I know if it tastes good, I can send it to the office with my husband and people will gobble it up.

So I guess it is all birthday thoughts on my mind. And what I can do with my 30s to make up for my 20s. Especially as my baby approaches 1... I was originally thinking about looking into daycare options and going back to work soon, but now that it has arrived and so quickly, I'm feeling like I couldn't bear to put him in daycare and go back to work. Part of it is definitely just how boring or complicated working can be for me. And another part is how much I enjoy getting to watch him grow up and play with him each day. And my husband hasn't brought it up, so I'm just going to let time go by... maybe start thinking about staying home with him until he is preschool age.

Not sure any of this is really helpful to everyone who reads this. My everyday life seems pretty boring when I say it out loud, but living it keeps me entertained... I guess that is what matters.

Well, that was a long break...

2008-01-11T13:46:00.000-06:00

So perhaps there are still people coming and reading this blog. I apologize to anyone out there who has been disappointed in the close to 2month blog-free time. And I am not going to promise that there won't be more days without a post. This place is really a space for me to go and sort out everything "out loud" as it may be and I am never going to feel like I have a responsibility to post everyday for readers out there, I just don't need that kind of pressure in my life.

So, what has been happening since Thanksgiving? I don't have the time or the desire to recap all this time day by day or event by event. I have been on the 60mg dose now since mid-December. My doctor's work to explain to the insurance company that the tested and approved dosages are not a custom fit for everyone worked and my insurance company now pays for me to take 2- 30mg pills each day. So hurray for that! While splitting open the capsules and removing some each day was better than the full 70mg dose, it did not provide a precise consistent dose each day and so I am much happier on this dosage.

My life since I have been taking the Vyvanse has changed dramatically and yet, is still the same in most ways. The big big thing is no more binging and purging. The thoughts still come sometimes, that I can go and do that if I wanted to, but it is just a thought that comes and then passes. There is no motivation to act on it. I have not turned into this perfect person who can get everything done or some sort of super-mom or anything like that. But I have found it much easier to accept that I will never be that kind of person rather than beating up on myself everyday for not being able to do it all. And I think that is better. I don't tell other people about my condition or that I'm taking the medication or anything. It isn't any of their business. For the most part, none of my friends knew my secret life of bulimia or the craziness that my ADHD caused as I worked hard to at least appear "perfect" when out in public. So I'm guessing that most of them haven't noticed much of a change anyways, except perhaps that they see less of me.

That is the biggest change I have been noticing. I have less of a desire to go out to parties or big social dinners and events. I really enjoy staying at home and just doing my own thing. I should clarify this somewhat, I have always preferred to do my own thing, to be by myself and stay at home. But I always felt like I had to go do those things, and of course, always would drink too much and talk too loud and just feel stressed out and worn out by the end of those things. Now I don't feel any desire to pretend or deal with it. Maybe that is a good thing, maybe I'm being anti-social to the point of starting to alienate my friends. I need to figure out a balance and I am still working on that. The Vyvanse has not made everything super easy or made social experiences comfortable, it has just made it easier to stay at home rather than be social.

I am definitely fighting less with my husband and my sex drive is slowly returning after the birth of my child. When little nitpicky things that I used to yell or snipe at my husband about come up, I am more often than not able to stop a minute and tell myself "that is really a little thing and not worth mentioning". I could probably stand to do this even more often, and I am not saying I'm Miss Sunshine all the time, but it is definitely better than before.

I also have weaned my baby. I truly wanted to breastfeed him for longer than a year, but getting up in the middle of the night and pumping all day long was just wearing me out and on top of that, he got 8 teeth before he was 10months old. And he likes to bite and I did try to discourage him, but it was all just too much for me. And he did get breast milk for the fist 10months of his life which is far longer than most women are able to put up with nursing, so I feel pretty proud of that and confident that I did what was best for the both of us. We just use formula now, which when I see how much it costs every time I have to buy it makes me glad we nursed as long as we did, and in another month he will be one year and can start drinking regular milk. To date, we still have not noticed any ill effects of nursing him while I was taking the Vyvanse on the schedule I was keeping, where I pumped and dumped during the day and only nursed or fed him milk pumped at night when the medicine had left my system.

That hardest thing about my life right now is my son is learning to walk. He is constantly getting into anything and everything and I am spending all day running around trying to let him explore and play without getting hurt. For the most part, I am happy and satisfied with my life. Something that I could not say 6 months ago. I do play computer games probably more than I should, I procrastinate cleaning the bathroom or vacuuming the carpets. But I do find it so much easier to get up in the morning and get dressed; it is easier to wipe down the counters and keep the house clean enough that if company randomly stopped by I wouldn't have to run around hiding things in closets or being embarrassed. And my husband and I are learning to communicate better- without me blowing my top over every little thing an without him having to "walk on eggshells" around me for fear of setting me off. Definitely something I want to continue improving so that my son doesn't grow up in a household full of yelling and screaming like I did.

So, I will try and keep writing here when I have things to say and I hope people will continue to come to this blog and find advice or hope or something that comforts them, but it might not be everyday or even every week. I am finally busy enjoying my life for a change rather than running in circles and I'm going to try and keep doing that for as long as I can.

Thanksgiving Day

2007-11-22T13:09:00.000-06:00

It has been several days since I've posted and to those of you who come here daily or close to it, I apologize. My son has started cruising and is getting into everything. I have to keep an eye on him and as soon as I sit down at a computer, he is usually either begging at my feet for my attention or running off and getting into trouble. I also have been pretty happy the past few days overall and doing well and just didn't have much to talk about, though now that I am sitting here typing, a ton of stuff is coming and going in my head. I can't type as fast as the thoughts come though.

Today is Thanksgiving. We are having dinner with my husband's dad and stepmom. Tomorrow we are having my husband's mom and stepdad over at our house for a turkey lunch and football for the men and Christmas tree decorating for the women and the baby. Then on Saturday we are driving out of town to my sister's house where she and her husband are hosting Thanksgiving dinner for my side of the family. And yes, with everything we have to do these next few days, I am feeling stressed out. But, I am not feeling the added stress of dealing with all the food. I haven't once obsessed about pumpkin pie or mashed potatoes or stuffing this entire week. It is really incredible. I don't have strong memories of Thanksgiving when I was younger, before I had bulimia. But I remember every Thanksgiving since having bulimia and as I have said before, Black Friday had a bleak and horrible meaning to me that had nothing to do with shopping and everything to do with leftovers. So this Thanksgiving is going to be stressful as I'm sure everyone experiences holiday stress, and I find that holidays in general are just overbearing nowadays. But it won't be as stressful as past Thanksgivings, and so that is what I am grateful for this year and will be thanking God for before each of the 3 meals I have this weekend.

I have a lot more to say now, and so I will try and make a point of blogging some more this weekend about everything else that has been going on with my meds and my life in general, but now I have to go put on make-up and get the baby packed up for Thanksgiving number 1.

Sort of on 60mg and it is Better

2007-11-15T10:40:00.000-06:00

So, I have been trying the tip of taking my 70mg capsule apart and shaking out just a little of the extra powder and putting the top back on to swallow it. While this doesn't give me an accurate 60mg dose exactly, it is less than the 70mg and I have had a lot fewer of the bad side effects from the higher dose and am feeling better. The first day I reduced it this way, I actually felt more irritable and a little like I wasn't on the medicine at all, but I think that was my body readjusting to a lower dose and kind of experiencing "withdrawal" because after that, I haven't had any problems and are feeling much better again.

Meanwhile I suddenly realized Thanksgiving is next week and I have a very busy holiday ahead. My husband's parents are divorced (for maybe 20 years now) and are both remarried. So we have Thanksgiving on Thursday with his dad and Friday with his mom and then Saturday we are driving out of town to have dinner with my family. My sister is hosting dinner at her home. And then Sunday I think we will put up our Christmas lights. I love having the lights and the tree and the whole traditional Christmas. Thanksgiving has been a horrible holiday for me though for many years. I cannot remember a thanksgiving as an adult where I didn't spend the whole time trying not to eat during the dinner and then binging and purging on leftovers that night or the next day. Black Friday for me was not about shopping, it was about holing up in my home and binging and purging all day. This is going to be the first Thanksgiving where I don't think that will be an issue. Still, I'm not excited about it because of all the driving around and family stuff, especially with a 9 month old baby who is very likely to get grumpy with all the unfamiliar people and places. But everyone else survives these things, so I will figure it out too.

In the meantime, Tuesday was my baby's 9month birthday. Today I have his regular check-up and he will be getting vaccinations. I always hate that he has to get shots and he clearly doesn't understand why we are hurting him. But I do trust in the vaccinations and I had them as a child myself. It is just hard to ever see him hurt. But last time he was happy again within about 15min. so hopefully he will do just as well today.

Other than that, I feel like I should be doing more maybe regarding my ADHD but I have just been so busy. I'm trying to read the books I got, but it is slow going. I am also getting things done around the house like laundry and dishes and little cleaning chores more than I used to, so I'm just trying to take it in small steps. I haven't tried to organize and file all my papers and I haven't tried to sterilize the house or anything, but I am happy with the progress I'm making. And still no binging or purging... it is such a relief.

Trying to Find the Time

2007-11-10T11:08:00.000-06:00

I am not finding it as easy to post here and I had part of a post done and never got back to it and it seemed silly to try and finish it several days later, so the post before this is really short because I get so busy with my baby. Also, the 70mg dose makes me want to be more active and I find that where the 60mg was helping my symptoms, the 70mg is actually not as helpful with them, so sitting down and writing is harder on it. But I did finally try the tip today and so we will see if it works. Basically, I take a 70mg pill and carefully start to pull it apart. The capsule has 2 halves, one which covers over the other one. Holding the pill with the inside one down and pulling the top cover off, I can gently remove some of the powder inside and then put the top back on and swallow the pill. Doing this should result in a dose closer to 60mg. Since it is still early, I don't have anything to report, but assuming all goes well today, I will keep trying this and see if it works better.

I also had my long run this morning. I ran a little over 10.5 miles with my running group. I don't know if the other runners have ADHD or if when I'm out running long and hard I can focus better, but I enjoy the conversations I have on my runs with this group more than any conversations I have at parties or social events. I also weighed myself. I hadn't been doing it lately, mostly I just forget. I don't keep my scale out where I can see it. I have to put it somewhere out of sight or else I will weigh myself everyday which is not healthy for someone recovering from an eating disorder. So I forget. And when I pulled the back muscle a few weeks ago, I lightened up my workouts and so there was no reason to make sure my weight wasn't being affected by hard training and possible dehydration. But anyways, I weight myself and I have lost about 3 pounds since the last time I had which was maybe 2-3 weeks ago. So again, not a drastic reduction which is good to see because the 70mg definitely decreases my appetite and interest in food more than the 60mg.

I have a massage later today and I'm really looking forward to that. With the race 2 weeks ago and the increase in workouts and my baby getting heavier, I am sore all over. So I'm trying to get this blog in before I head out because I don't think I'll get back to it until tomorrow or Monday. A part of me feels like I have a ton of stuff to write, but I just can't seem to pick one thing and get it down. Things seem to be going really well right now despite the little things that get in the way. I did go to the mall yesterday. I haven't been to the mall in a long time. It is hard to get out with a baby first, and second I just haven't had much interest in shopping. Certainly before I started Vyvanse I would find myself wanting to go to the mall to window shop and I'd almost always come home with some impulse item, though I tried to minimize it. Yesterday I had to go to the Toys'RUs because I had a gift card that was going to expire and I also needed formula for the baby now that we are slowly weaning him and I'm substituting formula sometimes. But the Toys'RUs is no where near us and it is a pretty hectic drive through heavy traffic even early in the afternoon. And it is only a few blocks from the mall, so I thought I would go and check out what baby clothes they have since my son is going to be getting holiday photos done in a week and I haven't really thought about what he will wear in them. And I have hardly anything to wear. I am pretty much back to my pre-pregnancy weight and my pants all fit, so do my shoes. But most of my tops do not because I gained almost 3 full cup sizes. Even with slowly weaning and I'm producing less milk right now, my breasts are still huge and so most of my tops don't fit. I really need to get some tops to wear now that it is getting colder out. But I know that most likely when I finish nursing, they will go back and so I don't want to buy clothes that won't fit in a few months anymore. Anyways, driving through the traffic was horrible and I felt like turning around and going home by the time I got done with Toys'RUs. But I went to the mall anyways and walked around with the stroller and my son was happy and it was just so crowded in the mall too. It was Friday afternoon around 1pm, and so I guess everyone who could was there shopping during their lunch break or had taken time off for the weekend. But I just didn't' feel like shopping or even browsing through anything. That thing in me I used to have where I could scour the racks and find items and enjoy shopping was just gone yesterday. I am guessing a lot of that is the medication. Lately I'm happier just hanging out at home or going to the park for my runs or with my baby and that is enough. Grocery shopping is enough.

With not shopping all the time and not bingeing and purging and staying at home and cooking almost all of our meals, we are saving a lot of money. For anyone who has bulimia and binges and purges several times a week, you know how scary that food bill is. I was spending at least $100 a week just on the food that I was throwing up. I probably spent $50-$100 a week at the mall on shoes and clothes too. So it is a huge relief on our budget. Of course, having the baby costs more, but I think we are coming out ahead nonetheless. Oh, and another note, I haven't had any alcohol since the first week I started taking Vyvanse. I haven't even thought about it until this week when I was making tequila-lime marinaded tilapia. I buy the marinade at the store, but I had an ounce of tequila to it and it really brings out the flavor a little better than the imitation-tequila flavoring in the marinade. So I reached into our liquor cabinet to get the tequila and it suddenly occurred to me how long it has been since I've reached in there. I think if it wasn't for the headaches the 70mg tends to give me when it wears off and in the mornings, then I would probably feel amazing since I'm eating so much better and not drinking anymore. I am thinking I should make a dentist appointment soon and it might not be as scary as previous visits. I'm always just positive that the dentist can tell I have an eating disorder.

Anyways, time for my massage.

Tips and Advice Always Appreciated

2007-11-06T11:08:00.000-06:00

I got an email this week from someone who reads my blog with a tip about how to open the 70mg capsule and remove a small amount of the Vyvanse to result in more like a 60-62mg dose. This could solve the insurance problem. I am not going to go into details about how to do it right now. I am going to give it a try tomorrow and see how it works. It is funny, I feel like I'm new to this ADHD thing, but when I think about it, I am not new at it - I have been living and learning about it for 29years. I just didn't know the name for it. It is more like I'm new to living with the medication that is helping me cope with it, and I'm new to all the terminology and the skills I am trying to learn to become more organized against my nature. So anyone who reads this who has advice and experience to share, I hope you will. You can either post it here for everyone or email me privately.

The Day with an Extra Hour

2007-11-04T09:33:00.000-06:00

So, I haven't blogged in a few days; the baby wants to play on my computer whenever I'm on it and I just haven't had a lot to say. The higher dose makes thinking and typing go a little harder. I am hoping that the insurance company will approve the 60mg dose, but my doctor said it could take up to a month to even get an answer.

Meanwhile, I have noticed that the 70mg makes me feel warmer than normal. Unlike the lower doses which would give me kind of a cooling feeling initially when they kicked in and then I would just feel normal temperature, on the 70mg I often find myself feeling hot. But I'm still not bingeing and purging and I actually am getting those little chores around the house done consistently that I always would ignore or expect my husband to do. Like on Friday morning, when I woke up and went downstairs, I saw dishes in the sink and the dishwasher was still full of clean dishes and the trash can was full. My husband normally puts the clean dishes away and takes out the trash either at night or in the morning before he goes to work. I know on a day without meds, I would have come down and seen that, been mad at my husband, and left it all there until he got home in the evening. But that morning, I took out the trash and literally it was the first time I had emptied the kitchen trash can in maybe 2 years... and I put away the clean dishes and cleaned up the sink and put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. I did feel a little miffed when I first saw it, but the second thought after "Why didn't my husband take care of this?!" was "He probably was running late for work and it won't take 5 min. for you to do it yourself". So that is clearly a step in the right direction.

I also managed yesterday to clean up all the papers and old magazines that were sitting around my desk and computer. I used to be one of those people that would save magazines forever. I'd have a whole years worth of Cosmo or Shape just "in case" I wanted to read an article in it again. Which is hilarious because I never re-read articles just like I don't like to watch a movie a second time or read a book again. Well, one day I realized this a couple of years ago. Now, if there is a certain article that I really like while I'm reading the magazine for the first time, then I will tear it out and throw the magazine away when I'm done reading it. Usually the only articles I save are ones with those quick workout exercises you can do anywhere. The other ones are usually recipes. But, when I had the baby, I got behind on reading some of my magazines and had a pile sitting by my computer that I would get around to. Meanwhile, I was reading the current ones that were still coming. So, I decided to just throw out all the ones I hadn't read yet cause I wasn't going to get to it and trash pickup is tomorrow. I always feel like I shouldn't throw stuff away and I need to save one thing or another "just in case". But 99% of the time, after I have thrown something away I never think about it again and I feel much better not having all the clutter around.

My mom is a pack rat too, growing up I would move between her house and her mother's house, living with my mom on weekends when she wasn't working and summers when I didn't have school. My mom really wasn't that great at making sure I got to school on time or had breakfast or anything. Learning about ADHD, I see that she clearly has it also and going her whole life undiagnosed developed other mental problems also. She just wasn't able to take care of me and my sister the way a mom should and my dad was no where around. So my grandmother raised me and my sister and it was kind of like she and my grandfather were my parents and my mom's house was like the divorced dad's house that is fun and no bedtime or rules, but also no parent around. Plus, my mom had the same random irritability that I have where tiny things would set her off and one moment she would be happy and fun, then suddenly cold and mean, then happy again a little while later. That is very hard for children. I am hoping that I will never put my son into an environment like that and am so glad to have been diagnosed and finding treatment while he is still so young.

But, I got sidetracked, so I cleaned up around my desk yesterday and I was taking care of the baby. I also got up at 5:30am to go run 8miles with my running group now that my back is feeling better and I let my husband sleep in all morning while I did all the baby stuff. Then my husband wakes up a little before 11am and he tells me he wants to paint the ceiling in the dining room. One of our upstairs toilets developed a leak several months back and it caused part of our ceiling below to disintegrate from the moisture and we had a small hole. We finally got the hole patched about a month ago and it just needed painting now. He also had some other little handyman things around he wanted to get done. So I continued to take care of the baby and I also got online and started playing WoW. My son likes to sit on my lap when I play and watch the monitor and I get a keyboard that isn't plugged in and let him bang on it while I play on my keyboard. Anyways, my husband comes in and is all mad at me for playing while he is painting. And he doesn't even say one word about all the cleaning I had done in the office, (which really was a lot and very noticeable) and what I was I supposed to do? The hole was only about 4 inches across and it didn't need 2 people and someone had to watch the baby and keep him away from the paint. I am still upset about it. I told him he had no right to be mad at me. While he was eating breakfast and sleeping, I was cleaning and so now I was done and should be allowed to play. I know this isn't really ADHD related, but sometimes I just feel like why bother trying to do the chores at all when I get no recognition for it. It is so hard for me sometimes, and the medication is definitely helping but would it kill him to just appreciate how hard I was trying and what I was doing? Was I supposed to sit and watch the paint dry? So, that has put me in kind of a bad mood.

I'm supposed to call and make an appt. with our marriage counseling for a solo session and I've been putting it off with my back and the 70mg meds being too much and hard to adjust to, but I guess I should make it so I can talk about this. It seems like the more I am doing around here and the harder I try to pull my share, the less appreciation I'm getting from my husband. It seems kind of messed up, but in the 4 years we have been together, he rarely complained about how much he does around here picking up for me, but now that I'm getting treatment and showing improvement he suddenly complains I'm not doing enough... what I really want is some praise for what I'm doing. I finally feel like I'm not a failure and a lazy sloth who can't take care of herself, and I feel like he kind of wants me to not feel good about that. I don't know. But here is an extra long post today since we get an extra hour now that daylight savings is over.

Day 7 on 70mg

2007-10-31T10:15:00.001-05:00

Today I have my psychiatrist appt. at 1:30pm to go over how the 70mg is working. I just don't know how it is going to go. What will matter most is what my insurance company will do I suppose. I think the 60mg was the perfect dose for me right now. But I just don't know how we will afford an extra $150 a month for a Rx. I still just keep hoping that the headaches in the afternoon and the increased irritability are side effects that will fade away the longer I'm on the meds. And considering some of the side effects reported, those aren't so bad considering that I am accomplishing more every day and I'm not bingeing and purging. Lately, I have found that folding towels and baby clothes isn't so dreadful. I also am not getting upset if I come downstairs in the morning and see dirty dishes in the sink because my husband didn't put them away. I just do it. I know I haven't been doing my fair share of housework around here but it does seem like I'm starting to pick up the slack. But I was doing that on 60mg also.

Anyways, I'll report back this afternoon after my doctor's appt. about what decision to try regarding dosage.

Well, the doctor was really understanding about the whole thing. He is going to work with me and try to appeal my insurance company's decision so I can be on the 60mg. In the meantime, I'm supposed to stay at the 70mg and see if any of the side effects do get better over time. He said it could take a while to get an answer from the insurance company, so it is just a wait and see.

And of course today is Halloween. I am not really doing much, we have a small kids party that we were invited to this evening and so we are going to dress our son up in a cute costume and torture him by taking lots of pictures and since the party is only an hour and a half, it won't be too long. Then I'm hoping to go to bed early and get some sleep since today has just been a long day.

70mg- Day 6

2007-10-30T12:26:00.000-05:00

So, the past few days have been really busy. I have definitely noticed one bad effect of the higher dose - increased irritability. At first, I thought it was just because I was tired and my back was still healing, and with my baby teething and being fussy. But my husband commented on it Sunday afternoon and I started paying attention and it really seems to be the higher dose of Vyvanse, not just being tired. Mainly I am just grumpier and feel a general sense of being in a bad mood. I have felt that way for a few days now. I have also continued to have headaches in the mid-afternoon around 4pm until 6 or 7pm. My irritability is more like when I wasn't on the meds at all and I get impatient and just feel like snapping at everyone around me. Both my husband and I had noticed that since starting the Vyvanse, my irritability had gotten a lot better but since being on the 70mg instead of the 60mg, it is like going in reverse.

It is sad, I know the 70mg is too high a dose for me, but I keep hoping that the irritability and headache will wear off because trying to get the insurance to cover the 60mg is just going to be so much work and they may never approve it. And so I may be left with 2 choices- take a higher dose that makes me more irritable or pay an extra $200 a month for a Rx because the insurance won't cover it. I was talking about it with my husband, and he said the kindest thing, though I don't think he realizes it. He told me that just due to the fact that I'm not bingeing and purging and struggling with bulimia and I am handling stress without as much of the frustration and anger and irritability as before, that paying for the meds out of pocket would be more than worth it. And that made me feel like he really cares about getting me the help I need regardless of how much it may cost. Though it definitely would mean more sacrifices on our part in other areas of our budget. And I will clarify that by budget, I don't mean we have some written down budget we follow- I would love to do that, but I am no where near that organized and responsible. Mainly I just try hard to buy generics when I can, avoid going to the mall, and try to just remember to pay the bills. My husband and I at least have pretty similar spending habits and so we don't have a lot of fights about money. That is a big help. More than anything, I just always feel guilty for spending money. And I try to talk to him before I go shopping or I'll call him if I am thinking about buying something I know I don't need so he can talk me out of it.

I definitely have typical ADHD spending problems, but due to a lack of regular work and a real fear of ending up like my mom, I have managed to stay out of big debt. I try to stick to rules like making a list and just buying what is on the list, staying away from malls all together, and if I find something I want to buy, I tell myself I can come back and get it tomorrow if I really want it. Usually by the time I'm at home, I've already forgotten what it was.

I was having a discussion with someone else who has ADD and her prescribing psychiatrist doesn't spend a lot of time during her appointments for her to talk about things she really needs to talk about. I thought I would share a little about my experience with mental health professionals since I have been seeing therapists and psychiatrists since I was 17. My experience with psychiatrists has not been like what you see on TV. In TV-land, the psychiatrist gives the patient a whole hour and listens to the patient and is kind and caring and always has some sort of insight that he helps the patient discover during that hour. I am sure there are some psychiatrists out there like that, but most of them are not. Since they are licensed MDs and able to prescribe meds, that seems to be what most of them do. They are dealing with insurance companies that only pay so much per patient and higher malpractice insurance rates than ever before and so need to see as many patients a day as they can in order to pay the bills. I believe that this means that they are not going to really understand everything that is going on in their patient's head and they may miss signs of co-disorders, especially with ADHD which is known to result in other mental health issues alongside it. I'm not anti-psychiatrist, I just think that this means it is extremely important for someone with mental health issues to also find a good licensed therapist who will spend that hour a week or more talking with and listening to you. If you give your psychiatrist and therapist permission to share your information with each other, then the therapist can make suggestions to the psychiatrist about things he/she is seeing in you that may help your medication treatment. Anyways, I don't think that I would be doing as well as I am on my medication if it weren't also for the counseling sessions I've had.

Day 4 on 70mg

2007-10-28T10:17:00.000-05:00

I never got around to posting yesterday, it was a really busy Saturday for me. I had a race this morning and I had a massage yesterday then I had to get my baby packed up to spend the night at Grandma's house. My husband's mom loves watching him and since I had to get up at 5am with my husband to drive downtown for the race, we felt it would be best if my son could stay on his schedule and stay with my MIL. But overall, while the 70mg does seem to come on stronger than the 60mg, I'm still not noticing any big negative side effects.

This morning I got up at 5am and pumped breast milk and changed and drove to my race. I did pretty good, though I was super worn out and ready to quit running when I crossed the finish line. This is my first competitive run since before I got pregnant. So it is a good benchmark for how my training is going, and I think I'm doing pretty good. Not as good as I was before I got pregnant, but having a baby and then a bulging disc can slow anybody down I suppose. My back is a little sore after the hard run, and on concrete no less, so I'm icing it down and will take an Advil in a little bit. I stretched and showered and took my 70mg Vyvanse right as I started pumping milk again. Since my baby isn't home this morning, I have a little time to blog while I drink my peppermint mocha before we head out to pick him up from Grandma's. Since they recommend not taking citrus fruits and things with lots of Vitamin C with stimulant meds as they can reduce absorption, I will have to wait to eat my usual breakfast and take my prenatal vitamin until we are on the car ride just to be on the safe side. I'll wait until I feel the meds start to kick in and then eat and take my vitamins. I had a banana and a lot of Gatorade at the race, (Gatorade is also discouraged with stimulant meds for same absorption thing) so waiting an extra half hour shouldn't be any big deal.

After I pick up my baby, which I am sooo looking forward to, then I'm just going to hang out at home and do laundry and play computer games. It is truly amazing how much I miss my son when he isn't with me. I spent all Saturday afternoon before he left playing with him and holding him and thinking I should just cancel the race because I didn't want to be without him for the 12-14 hours or so he would be gone. And he loves his Grandma, he has stayed overnight there about 4 times already and he always does great, so it isn't like he is crying and sad or anything. It is just me. I cannot stand being away from him. But, at the same time, it was really nice being able to just go to sleep last night and not having him wake me up in the middle of the night. And when I got up this morning, all I had to do was get changed and head out. No bottles to warm or mushed up food to spoon into him or diapers to change or anything. Not that all that isn't completely worth it for my baby, but it does save a lot of time and give me extra sleep.

Oh, and another note on sleep. I took the 70mg pill yesterday about 10am. I slept in yesterday since I didn't have an early morning Saturday run with the race the next day. But, with a 5am wake up call this morning, I had to go to bed early last night. At 10pm, I really wasn't tired, but once I laid down in bed and started my regular sleep routine of finding a fantasy world to go to and going through the story, I fell asleep pretty fast. I woke up a couple of times in the middle of the night and looked at the clock thinking it was 5am already, but that is normal pre-race jitters for me. I will do that the night before anything I'm excited or nervous about. But, the point is that I'm still not experiencing trouble falling asleep or staying asleep on the increased dose. The only big thing that I'm still noticing is that afternoon headache is back. It was gone for a little while on the 60mg, but since increasing the dose it has come back. But it has only been 3 days so far, so I'm hoping it will fade away after a week or so on the higher dose like in the past.

I probably won't make it back to this post today, I want to spend time with my husband and baby, but I will try to keep a note of any side effects or anything that comes up that is notable. And tomorrow is a really busy day as well, I joined a stay at home mom's club that meets for different events and playgroups throughout the month. Tomorrow they are having a lunch at a Mexican restaurant and I am looking forward to going and meeting everyone. It will be my first time to meet everyone. But I think having support from other moms in similar situations would be really great and maybe a chance for me to find that girlfriend that likes to get makeovers at home or the mall and gossip about celebrities and all that other really girlie stuff. And, of course, Mondays are grocery shopping day, so after lunch and my son's nap, then I head out again to at least one, if not 2 stores for weekly supplies. I am very lucky because my son is an absolute doll when we are out shopping. I'm sure some of it is that I always go right after he has napped and then eaten, but he just sits in the cart and looks around and smiles at anyone who looks at him. So, he makes shopping easy at least.

Day 2 on 70mg dose

2007-10-26T10:50:00.000-05:00

So, yesterday I never had time to get back to the blog and talk about how the rest of the day went, so I'll start out summarizing it today. During the afternoon, I could definitely feel the meds were stronger than the 60mg. I felt kind of like my thoughts were both clearer, and a little hazy, at the same time. I was thinking clearly and getting things done, but I felt a little bit like I was watching myself do it rather than doing it, if that makes any sense. That might be a sign that the meds are a little too strong, but I have noticed whenever I started a new dose, the first day side effects always changed within a few days, so we will see how things continue. I did go for an easy run around 4pm. The weather here has finally cooled down nicely and it is gorgeous outside, 70 degrees and almost no humidity and sunny! Perfect running weather. My mother in law comes on Thursdays and watches my baby so I can go do my own thing and so a run seemed nice and I didn't have to wake up at 6am. Even though I was planning on the run all day and got changed for it and everything, I really didn't feel like running and almost didn't. I know that was the meds affecting it. But I went anyways. I do think I will try to schedule my runs before I take my meds in the future still as often as I can because I seem to lose some of my motivation getting out the door to go run. I would rather be doing other things.

But I did get an easy 4 miles in and by the end of the run, my head felt less hazy and more clear. The next couple of days I don't have any runs planned or anything more vigorous than walking since I have a race Sunday morning. It will be the first road race I've done in over 2 years since having a baby. I did get a headache in the evening after I got home and showered and started feeling kind of crappy, but I think I was just hungry because after I ate dinner, I started feeling a lot better. The meds seemed to last about the same amount of time as the 60mg, but seemed to be stronger throughout the afternoon until they wore off. I didn't have any trouble falling asleep last night, but I went to bed about 1am because we were having trouble getting the baby down. But I was already exhausted and ready for bed by 11pm.

One thing I have noticed since taking the Vyvanse is that I don't need as much sleep. I used to sleep 9-10 hours every night and 11-12 hours if I could get the extra sleep. I literally felt like I was sleeping half my day. Since taking the Vyvanse, I haven't had the insomnia or trouble falling asleep that people talk about, but when the morning comes, I just find I want to get out of bed and start my day and am looking forward to it, rather than wanting to pull the covers back over my head and never leave the bed. I am sure part of it is that I'm not bingeing and purging so I'm not fighting dehydration and electrolyte imbalances. But I think part of it is also that dealing with my daily tasks are easier and so I am not fretting every morning about getting up and facing that mountain of chores.

So, this morning I took the meds about 9:30am and nursed the baby. I felt the meds start to work a little after 10am and really hit about 10:45am. I am anticipating another pretty good day. So far, I think the 70mg is actually a little too strong for me, but it doesn't seem to have any huge negative side effects as compared to the 60mg, I just don't think I need the extra 10mg for my symptoms to subside. But it is only the beginning of day 2, so we'll see what happens over the next few days.

2:00PM Well, my brain is feeling less stuck in the clouds today than this time yesterday. I'm still not feeling anything super-negative. And the increased dosage hasn't decreased my appetite anymore than the 60mg. And although my interest in food has decreased incredibly on the Vyvanse, the loss of appetite side effect has lessened over time to where I do know when I am hungry. I'm just less interested in what I eat.

70mg Vyvanse Dose

2007-10-25T12:33:00.000-05:00

I haven't written in a few days. Partly because everything has just been going great overall and I didn't have much to write about. Partly because my baby has learned to pull himself up onto things and whenever I sit down at my computer, he comes over and pulls himself up to my chair and wants to play and I just don't get much done on my computer. So I'm trying to write this while he is down for his nap.

Today is the first day on 70mg. I had to increase the dose from 60mg to 70mg for insurance reasons. Vyvanse comes in 3 doses: 30mg, 50mg, and 70mg pills. Because it is so new a drug, these are the only currently "approved" doses. Well, I was taking 2x 30mg pills fora total of 60mg and it was working great. But my insurance company doesn't want to pay for 60 pills a month, it only wants to pay for 30 and it says that since there are 50mg and 70mg and those doses are close, I need to try those to see if they work and try and be on one of those. Otherwise, they are only going to cover 30 pills a month, which means I'm paying about $150 for the other 30 pills plus the $55 that the Rx co-pay for the 30 pills is. I cannot afford that every month and so my doctor and I are trying 70mg since the 50mg was not effective for me. I took my first 70mg pill this morning just before 10am. Here is what I have noticed so far:

10:45am Didn't really feel the big "high" of the drug yet, but found that doing my morning routine of chores around the kitchen was easier/faster. And I felt like I was in a pretty good mood.

11:30am Found it really easy to just fold my baby's laundry and put it away quickly, didn't have the normal urge to do it later. Also found myself wiping down the kitchen counter while waiting on a bottle to warm - I really never do stuff like that.

12:00pm Started to feel the meds really kicking in with that kind of mental "high" feeling. I was worried I would also have an increase in anxiety like I did when I first went from 30mg to 60mg, but the anxiety level seems pretty much the same or even a little less than when I was on 60mg.

12:30pm I am feeling that "rush" kind of mental feeling that I feel for a couple of hours after the meds really kick in. I'm not noticing any difference in my appetite compared to the 60mg and no anxiety attacks or anything, which is a relief. It feels a lot like being on the 60mg, but I feel a little more capable of getting things done. I'm finding that I'm doing the little chores and tasks that I tend to put off. Maybe the 70mg dose is going to work better for me. My thoughts do seem to kind of bounce around a little in my head though where I'm thinking about something to write here, then I think of something else and forget the first thought. But that is pretty typical for me without meds and doesn't seem worse, just noticeable.

Since I'm writing this a little after 12:30pm, I will just keep talking about how things have been. I had someone ask me about a decreased sex drive on the Vyvanse today. I haven't noticed a decrease in sex drive since taking the Vyvanse, but actually an increase. Although I'm not exactly the person to be talking about sex drive. I had a great sex drive and a typical ADHD interest in sex before the meds and before getting pregnant. I would want a lot more sex than my husband. I have not cheated on him though, but I do have sexual fantasies that I don't share with him about other men. I did cheat on a boyfriend in college once. I was bored with that relationship and another guy seemed more interesting and was unavailable as he had a girlfriend so it was just going to be a summer break fling. I have never told anyone about this. I did end up telling my boyfriend about the fling. I think I wanted a reason to end the relationship, but at the time I didn't want to break up with him, I think I thought I would make him jealous and spice things up. Crazy, I know, but I bet other ADHD people have done similar things. Anyways, he did break up with me, and looking back, I was pretty out there and crazy throughout that whole relationship and I'm sure he thought I was completely nuts. But, since then I just don't feel like it is worth cheating on my partner. If I was bored with the relationship, I would just end it before moving on to the next guy.

And now I'm married to the most wonderful guy on the planet and I was starting to get bored with our sex life. My husband is the kind of guy who wants a little cuddling and touching and kissing, then sex in a normal position and who makes little to no noise and then more cuddling and sleep. I am the kind of person that likes to do it in closets at parties and parked cars on a hillside or role playing doctor and patient, etc. Anyways, some of my wild desires have been turn offs for my husband and that is mainly why we are in marriage counseling, to learn how to bring that spice into the relationship for me without turning him off. But, since getting pregnant and having a baby, my sex drive took a nosedive and I really haven't wanted sex at all until the past couple of weeks. I think some of it is that I'm running more seriously and my body looks more like it did before I got pregnant so I'm not as self-conscious. I have read that stimulant meds generally increase or don't affect sex drive, so that could be part of it. Also, some of it might be the fish oil I have been taking and/or that I'm nursing my baby less. But whatever it is, I find my mind wandering to sex about once or twice a day now versus never a few weeks ago.

And the other thing I want to mention is about being happy. I was out running yesterday and suddenly realized just how content and happy I have been lately with my life. Everything just seems to be fitting into the right place. Not that my life is perfect or doesn't have problems, but for the first time in as long as I can remember, I am truly just happy. I am not bingeing and purging or drinking alcohol or drugs to achieve a false "happy" high. In fact, in addition to not bingeing, I haven't wanted to drink alcohol since taking the 60mg dose. And I know I have a long road ahead of me for coping with and learning new skills to deal with the ADHD, but I just feel like I'm getting where I want to in life for the first time instead of running around in circles or taking 2 steps back for every step forward. So I am happy, and I haven't been happy before and it is nice.

Survived the Family Visit

2007-10-21T12:29:00.000-05:00

Well, yesterday my husband and I took the baby to see my family out of town. Obviously given my past history of coming home from a visit with my family and heading straight to the grocery store to buy food for a binge and purge, I was nervous about this trip. It was the first trip since starting the Vyvanse and also, I am PMS'ing and noticing a slightly reduced effect from the meds. But the visit went a lot better than I thought. I was even able to look at my mother and talk to her without saying anything rude or condescending. My aunt even stopped by to see my baby; it was her first time to see the baby. My aunt, (my mother's sister), is a particularly interesting personality in my family. She is a classic passive-aggressive and that can be hard to deal with. But she is also a very nice person who has had a hard life and she is an elementary school teacher and is great with kids. Out of my aunts and uncles and mother from that side, she is probably the easiest to get along with and having her there to talk to made the visit go by faster. And my sister absolutely loves my son and they get along so well.

But it has been a tough few days. I pulled a muscle in my lower back trying to life my baby earlier in the week. So I have had to stop running and rest. I didn't work out Friday or Saturday at all. Not working out just makes things a little harder, but the meds seem to help me deal with that just like with the obsessive food thoughts. I did get up today and took my baby on a short walk around the block a couple of times because my back is feeling a little better and it is important to keep a pulled muscle warm and not let it just tighten up. It was a very slow walk, and I want to start running so much. I have a big workout schedule planned this week for my training, but Sunday is a road race relay that I should really go run to get a pace estimate on how I've been doing. And I know that if I keep running, the muscle won't heal and I could make things worse. If things feel a little better tomorrow, then I will swim the rest of the week leading up to the race and maybe be able to get an easy run in beforehand just to see how it is doing.

But, we got home last night around 8:30pm and I ate a little and my husband and I played computer games for a little while. It helped me de-stress from the visit. I stayed up much too late, I was exhausted when I finally went to bed at 1am. Around 12:30am, I was just sitting at the computer thinking that I felt so awful that I hadn't worked out and I wasn't eating any less in a day than on the days I workout and I wanted to binge and purge a little. But I didn't, I was tired and I just kept telling myself that I wasn't overeating, and I needed to let myself heal and I wasn't going to gain tons of weight just from not working out a few days to heal if I was eating a normal amount of food. The most I might gain is a pound or two and I'm going to lose that again as soon as I'm healed and training again and so that made me feel better.

The Vyvanse seems to help me deal with "crisis" a little better. I put that in quotes because none of these things were real end-of-the-world or emergency situations. They would just feel like it to me. Like if I had a training run planned one day and we had thunderstorms all day so I couldn't run I would just be so angry and frustrated and I would take it out on my husband and I'd almost certainly binge and purge and feel like everything was ruined. Now though, it seems like there is a more rational part of me that is able to come out when something doesn't go right and say to me "hey, it's OK, this is just a little bump and it won't mess anything up". Like having to take a week off from running- I think if I wasn't on the meds then I would be bingeing and purging and freaking out and feeling like I might as well just drop out of the race in January because I wasn't going to do well in it. Which, of course, is just stupid. And on or off the meds, I would know that is stupid. But I normally overreact to things that way. But the meds are helping me to see things a little clearer and calmer and say that one week is only going to let me body rest and when I go back into training, I will be just as good if not a little better for having had some rest in the middle of a hard training schedule.

Or like with my family, dealing with their craziness just didn't affect me as much as it normally does. And I was able to sit and see how much they all really enjoyed getting to see my son and that despite how crazy and messed up they are, they do love him and me. Even if it is really hard for me to find love for my mother and even harder for me to find forgiveness for my childhood. And even though I'm PMS'ing and I can feel that the meds are a little less effective, they are working well enough for me to still not binge and purge and for me to deal with stuff that I couldn't cope with very well before.

It's that time of the month again...

2007-10-18T12:10:00.001-05:00

*Note about blog stuff: First I just want to say that I learned I had typed the links incorrectly and they were not working. The recommended link list on the right should now take you to the correct pages. They open a new window and if your pop-up blocker blocks them, holding down the Ctrl key when you click should work. Also, since I have had some interest from readers in contacting me, I have added an email address at the bottom of the blog homepage that you can use to contact me personally. *

Well, today is the first day that I normally start experiencing PMS symptoms before my period. I wasn't really thinking about it until I looked at the clock to see how long it had been since I had taken my meds and realized that I should have been feeling them a little stronger. They are still there, but noticeably less effective than all week. So we will see what happens over the next few days as my period begins. My biggest fear right now isn't that the ADHD symptoms will get worse, but that the bulimia will. Especially since this weekend we are making a trip to my hometown to see my family.

I really don't care for most of my family. I had a tough time growing up in a family where denial was the standard line and I was considered the "bad" child because I would never do what I was told. Now I know that a lot of that was ADHD on my part, but there is no point in telling my family I have ADHD, it would go in one ear and out the other and probably result in them making fun of me and saying I was just looking for an excuse. I remember coming home from college my first year during a break; I had been seeing a therapist there for the eating disorder and she wanted me to try anti-depressants. I wasn't 18 yet, and they needed permission from my mother to give me the Rx. So I had to go home and tell my mom about my bulimia and get permission for medication. I told my mom I needed to talk to her about something serious when I got home and when we were sitting down in the living room and I started to tell her about the bulimia, her precise words were "Oh, thank God, I thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant!" It turns out she and my grandmother had known about the bulimia all along, they would hear me throwing up when I was in the bathroom and saw me eat all that food. But they just thought it was something I would grow out of and weren't concerned. This all happened 2 years after I had started throwing up almost daily. I was so angry that they had known all that time, and didn't care to help me. I remember a girl in my high school who had anorexia at one point and her parents sent her for treatment and counseling and she got better. She was so happy and cured. Hearing my parents had known all this time and thinking about how this girl's parents helped her while mine just let me suffer alone made me hate them more than anything. I will probably never forgive them for that. They still have not apologized, they don't accept any responsibility for not having helped me seek treatment when I was just a kid.

But, going back home always results in more bingeing and purging following a visit. This time the visit coincides with my period, so it is pretty sucky. Why do I go back, you might wonder? Partly because of my sister and her husband. My sister is not like the rest of my family, she has always cared about the eating and she understands first hand how messed up it was growing up with our parents. She loves my son so much and loves to play with him, and I want her to know him. Partly also because of my step dad. He has apologized for not knowing what to do when I was younger and maybe not being the best parent. Which is ironic because he wasn't my parent really at the time, just the guy my mom had been seeing for a long time. But he is the closest thing I have to a father since my own father ran off when I was about a year old and refused to pay child support or have any contact with us. But my step dad was always there for me and my sister at birthdays and Christmas and he was the one we gave the father's day cards to, and now he and I have as close a father-daughter relationship as can exist for me. And he loves being a grandpa. So I go and put up with my mother and grandmother and the issues of being there for my sister and step dad. My sister does come and visit me too when she can. But my step dad is pretty ill and going blind and cannot drive the 4 hour drive to see me.

So, hopefully the Vyvanse will hold up enough over the next few days for me to make it through a short visit. We are just going to drive down Saturday morning and come back that evening. My husband doesn't much care for my family either and so we try to make our visits only a few hours.

An Interesting Connection

2007-10-17T10:26:00.000-05:00

So, this morning I was skimming through my homepage at Yahoo and reading the news stories and I found an interesting article: Genes Might Help Drive Overeating. The article talks about how chronic overeaters seem to lack as many dopamine receptors as people who don't overeat. I just find this interesting because ADHD people also have trouble utilizing dopamine correctly and many of them have issues with overeating and eating disorders. I"m wondering when they did this study if they also did any questioning into how many of them showed symptoms of Adult ADHD, because I would guess a fair number of the overeating participants may have diagnosed or undiagnosed ADHD as well. But perhaps that is one of the reasons the stimulant meds are working so well at keeping me from bingeing and purging.

I just want to jump around and cheer when I think about how things are going right now. I binged and purged on the 30mg and then, once I started the 60mg and wasn't on my period, I stopped wanting to and stopped doing it. Except for when I had to go back to the 50mg, I haven't had to struggle with my bulimia since starting the Vyvanse. For those of you who don't have an eating disorder, then you might not understand what all of this means to me. Though if you have been using alcohol or drugs to self-medicate to the extent that you are harming yourself, your life, and the people you care about, then you will understand. I was addicted to food- french fries and mac n' cheese and candy. And I shouldn't say "was" because it is still there in me. I went grocery shopping on Monday and the Halloween candy is out in full force, and not just candy but cakes and cookies. Well, walking by that stuff sent thoughts of eating it all and bingeing and purging. But, I was on the 60mg Vyvanse and so the thoughts came and I could push them back into their corner instead of starting a big battle. Anyways, I have so much more time in my life and less stress just from not wanting to binge.

What else is going on... I am feeling a little worn out physically still. I started my period a week early. It isn't a real period, just spotting. I will have a real period next week. I know this because it has been happening somewhat regularly since having my baby. I didn't have it last month and was hoping I was done with that because bleeding a little for one week then bleeding heavy and having all the hormone crap another week just sucks. But, I can't really change it until I'm done nursing. I am on the Nuva Ring birth control. It is a little ring with the hormones that are in the pill, but in a lower dose. It goes inside my vagina and slowly releases the hormones over 3 weeks, then I take it out and have a period. But it tends to cause a lot of spotting in between periods. For women who are nursing and don't have a period or just a little spotting, you are lucky. I have a really heavy period every month. Before I had the baby, I was on a regular birth control pill. I never spotted and my periods were much lighter and normally only lasted about 3 -4 days. When I was in college and started the pill, they had come out with that ortho-tricyclen that has different doses each week. That pill sucked- it made my mood swings much worse throughout the month and my eating disorder and anxiety would flare up really bad before and during my period. On the pill that keeps the hormones the same the whole 3 weeks before the sugar pill, that steadied out. From all the information I've been reading about how the hormone fluctuations effect a woman's ADHD, I am thinking about trying one of those pills that you take for 3 months solid and only have 4 periods a year. I think that would help with my symptoms. I did try the shot one, Depoprovera, one year. I had 3 shots that year but it made me gain weight and I had a lot of spotting. So the pill has been the most effective for me. But the pill can cause a decrease in milk production and more of the hormones pass into the milk, so it isn't recommended for nursing women, which is why I'm on Nuva Ring.

Nursing is going well. But my baby's top teeth are starting to come in. He already has his two front bottom teeth. And the biting hurts! Plus, I still can't fit into a lot of my tops because my breasts are about 3 cup sizes larger than they were before. I keep thinking about weaning him early. We made it to 8 months which is pretty good. But the pumping at night makes me tired and the teeth make me sore and I just wouldn't mind having my body back for myself. I know a lot of women go through this and I try to think that I made it 8 months, 4 more isn't that much longer and it will go by so fast that I will regret that precious time with him when he is running around and playing and hugging mommy isn't "cool"... that helps keep me going. And I think it also helps for me to just admit that it is also a lot of work and a sacrifice that I am making. And my husband paid me the best compliment the other day. When we started talking about having a baby and what our expectations were and how I really felt it was important for me to stay home with the baby the first 2 years and not work, my husband was opposed to the idea. He didn't think that it was so terrible to put the baby in daycare all day and me go back to work full time right after having the baby. Well, I was raised where my mom and my grandmother both cared for me when I was little and then started school part time at 2 and then full time for kindergarten. My husband's mom also stayed home and cared for him when he was little. And I know that some women don't have a choice, they have to work in order to provide for their families. And for an ADHD woman, sometimes she has to work for her sanity, because being a stay at home mom is really boring! But, we kept talking about it and I told him how important it was to me and we worked out how to make it doable. Well, the other day my husband told me how glad he was that we were able to have me stay at home with Nicky and what a great job I was doing with him! That felt so good. I constantly feel like I'm not measuring up in pretty much everything I do, but to hear him say that made me feel like I was floating on air.

Well, I have rambled on for a while today. There is just a lot going on in my mind today. I'm not even stressing out about having to start on 70mg dose for a little while in a week or so. Maybe it will work even better than the 60mg and won't be such a big deal. The anxiety side effect of the 60mg has pretty much disappeared. Today I took the meds 30 min. apart. I figure starting Friday I'll take my 2x 30mg at the same time for a few days.