I Know Funny

Politically Correct Seasons Greetings

2009-12-27T09:05:00.000+08:00

Please accept with no obligation implied or implicit, my best wishes
for an environmentally-conscious, socially-responsible, low-stress,
non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the summer solstice
holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the
religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with
respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practise religious or secular
traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally-successful, personally-fulfilling and medically-uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2010, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make this country great. Not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country or culture, and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wisher.

By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms.

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself, himself or others, and it is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Begging for Tiger

2009-12-16T20:15:00.001+08:00

Globalization Defined

2009-12-16T20:08:00.002+08:00

Question:
Define Globalization?

Answer:
Princess Diana's death.

Why?
An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

Furthermore, this is sent to you by an Australia, using an American PC, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singaporean factory.

Speeding Heisenberg

2009-12-16T20:05:00.000+08:00

Heisenberg gets stopped on the freeway by the police.

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going sir?

Heisenberg: No, but I know exactly where I am.

Mental Hospital Phone Menu

2009-12-16T19:59:00.002+08:00

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.

Blonde Password

2009-12-16T19:56:00.000+08:00

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy"

When asked why she'd chosen such a long password, she said she understood that it had to contain at least eight characters.

Idiotproof Ladder

2009-11-21T19:40:00.001+08:00

From Hamster to Heaven

2009-11-19T19:48:00.000+08:00

Why Women are Happier than Men

2009-11-17T20:59:00.005+08:00

the kitchen's all ours
we get control of the wedding plans and we get to look the best at our wedding
chocolate makes up for the orgasms that men rarely give us
reading men is like reading an open book, whereas men can never understand women
we can get into a popular bar much easier than men; we just show some cleavage
we don't fart, we fluff
we know how to colour coordinate
we can build a man's ego just by asking him to open a jar
we get doors opened for us
we're not as hairy and we don't have to shave our faces
we aren't too proud to ask for directions
scratching our groins is not an hourly event in our lives
we can do two things at once
we aren't forced to compensate for our fathers' lack of childhood sports skills every Saturday morning throughout our formative years
we can sit and read every time we go to the bathroom
we can spend time alone with Catholic priests, Boy Scout leaders, and Baptist Youth ministers without feeling sexually threatened
we don't worry about going bald
we never have to rearrange our testicles while wearing tight pants
we never get our genitals caught in our zippers when drunk
we don't have to constantly answer "What are you going to be when you grow up?" shortly after our third birthdays
we can bludgeon someone to death and then get off scot-free by claiming a "hormonal imbalance"
we can commit cold-blooded murder and not only get off scot-free, but end up with a book deal and an appearance on Oprah merely by mentioning "years of violent spousal abuse"
we don't have to go in a pubic women's toilet and worry about some previous occupant having pissed and shat on the seat, the floor, and the surrounding walls.
we ALWAYS outlive our husbands.
we have a wide variety of commercial, sweet smelling deodorants for our sex organs.
we know exactly what to do when a child is sick.
we don't have a freaky, semi-Oedipal relationship with our overbearing mothers
we don't ever have to spit
we don't ever have to hold one nostril shut while blasting snot out of the other
we have an astute, innate sense of when to change underwear before it becomes a petri dish for bacteria development
we never pull a back muscle screaming at the television during a sports event
we don't have to worry about which family member will inherit and care for our collections of sports fan apparel
we never lose six hours on a Saturday morning watching fishing shows on TV
we can terminate a bladder emptying event without waiting for "the shake"
we can tell our doctors anything
we can simulate a perfect, entire sex act with nothing more than ten idle minutes and a cucumber.
best one of all: MULTIPLE ORGASMS

Why Men are Happier than Women

2009-11-17T20:51:00.004+08:00

Your surname doesn't change.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too "yucky".
You don't have to stop and think about which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A ten-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes - one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

James Galea: A Real Card

2009-11-17T20:47:00.000+08:00

Bruno: Parent Auditions

2009-11-17T20:39:00.001+08:00

Shii - The Wii for Women

2009-11-12T21:07:00.003+08:00

Shake Weight Spoof Advertisement

2009-11-07T11:50:00.001+08:00

Old Man on Sexy Women

2009-11-07T11:37:00.003+08:00

Courtship advice from a senior citizen:

When you see a woman, and want her badly, please consider the following:

No matter how beautiful her face is...

No matter how curvaceous her body is...

No matter how cute and sweet her smile is...

No matter how round and tight her posterior is...

No matter how seductive her eyes are...

No matter how fragrant her hair is...

No matter how ample her breasts are...

I forgot what I was going to say.

Picture Paints a 1000 Words

2009-11-07T11:33:00.001+08:00

Tommy Cooper One-Liners

2009-11-07T11:21:00.003+08:00

One-liners attributed to Tommy Cooper:

Two blondes walked into a building... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message "If you want marijuana, press the hash key."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off."
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
Man: "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
Doctor: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
Man: "Is it common?"
Doctor: "'It's not unusual."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" asks the dog's owner. "No," replies the vet, "because he's really heavy."
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" the doctor asks. "Don't you start," says the guy.
Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says, "So are you, you fat bastard!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking Fine. So that was nice."
A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."

Bridge Over Troubled Waters

2009-11-07T11:15:00.003+08:00

A man riding his Harley Davidson was riding along the Victorian coast road when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The bikie pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Tasmania so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic - think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of Bass Strait and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The bikie thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "So, do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Do Unto Others

2009-10-28T20:14:00.001+08:00

Unappetizing Restaurants

2009-10-28T20:07:00.001+08:00

Personal Financial Advice

2009-10-19T20:25:00.001+08:00

What the Bloody Hell are You Thinking?

2009-10-18T10:44:00.006+08:00

Purported questions to Tourism Australia, and possible responses:

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Incredible Story

2009-10-18T10:39:00.000+08:00

Sex Education

2009-10-15T20:47:00.000+08:00

Transylvanian Transfusion

2009-10-15T20:37:00.003+08:00

Bruce Hill and his new wife Sheila were holidaying in Europe, near Transylvania. They were driving a rental car along a deserted road. It was late and raining heavily. Bruce could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control. Bruce attempts to regain control if the car but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bruce shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bruce knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bruce carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bruce immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bruce Hill, and this is my wife Sheila. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him."

Bruce brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Sheila and carries her downstairs, with Bruce following closely. Igor places Sheila on a table in the lab. Bruce collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bruce on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bruce and Sheila Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Sheila's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bruce's arm begins to rise, marking the beat. He is further amazed as Sheila and Bruce both sit up straight.

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"