I Know Funny

The Key of Awesome!: Somebody That I Used To Know

2012-02-17T17:42:00.001+08:00

Bill Maher: Atheism is not a religion

2012-02-15T17:14:00.000+08:00

Jean Dujardin's Villain Auditions

2012-02-12T11:24:00.000+08:00

Sean Connery in the Library

2012-02-11T10:57:00.000+08:00

Sean Connery is sitting comfortably in his library doing a spot of reading, when suddenly a large pile of books falls on top of him.

Mr. Connery remarks, "I only have my shelf to blame."

Jesus Toast

2012-02-01T16:45:00.002+08:00

Then I Saw Her Face

2012-01-31T22:02:00.000+08:00

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face...

Every Presentation Ever

2012-01-30T21:59:00.001+08:00

Flying High

2012-01-22T11:37:00.000+08:00

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be just super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-groomed woman with a superior air, who hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!"

Vinnie Jones: Hard and Fast

2012-01-21T11:28:00.000+08:00

Irish Mathematics

2012-01-15T21:01:00.001+08:00

An Irishman applies for a job but the boss won't hire him unless he passes a simple math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman says, "Without using numbers, represent the number nine."

"Without numbers?" the Irishman says? "Dat is easy."

And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the asks.

"Have you got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes nine", says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.

"Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree and dirty tree plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire the Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space some more then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

That Irishman is now the CEO of Qantas.

Take Note

2012-01-02T13:43:00.003+08:00

An old man and woman were sitting at their dinner table, and the woman asks, "Do you want anything for dessert?", to which the man replies, "Yes! But this time you'd better take notes. Ok?"

"I don't need notes, I can remember", was the curt reply.

"Ok, fine, first I want two scoops of vanilla ice cream. You taking notes?", asked the old man.

"No! I can remember; two scoops of ice cream!", replied the old woman.

"And chocolate syrup, and a chopped banana on the side. Are you sure you won't take notes?", pleaded the old man.

"No! I can remember. Two scoops of ice cream. Chocolate syrup. Banana on the side! Is that all?", another curt reply from the old woman.

"Yes. That's all! But perhaps you should take notes.", begged the old man.

"No! I'll be back in a minute", replied the old woman.

Five minutes later, the old woman returned with bacon and eggs, with fried tomatoes, two sausages and some toast. The old man shook his head in exasperation, and said, "See! You should have taken notes; where's the tomato sauce?"

The Deer Hunter blooper

2011-12-21T17:36:00.000+08:00

Subtle humour

2011-12-20T14:07:00.000+08:00

Sometimes my Jehovah’s Witness friends get mad at me for ignoring them when they try to tell me knock knock jokes.

My brother Ben has Alzheimer’s. I hope it isn’t hereditary because my brother Ben has Alzheimer’s.

I hate that if a girl has sex with a lot of guys everyone calls her a slut, yet if a guy does the same thing everyone calls him gay.

I told a girl she had drawn her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

I was going to tell a joke about Jonestown, but the punchline is too long.

If you put your ear next to a woman's leg you can actually hear her say what the fuck are you doing?

Don’t tease fat kids, they already have enough on their plates.

My friend told me I don't understand irony...
...which was ironic because I was standing at a bus stop at the time.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

A man walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and says, "I'll have some H2O." A second man then walks up and says, "I'll have some H2O too."
The second man dies.

Via AskReddit

Great Weekend

2011-12-19T14:01:00.000+08:00

A balding, white-haired old man, walked into a jewellery store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl on his arm. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At this, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweller said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it!"

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said "There was only $25 in your account."

"I know, said the old man, but let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"

Flying Blind

2011-12-18T14:00:00.001+08:00

Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start. The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die."

The Italian Job

2011-11-29T14:22:00.001+08:00

An elderly Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato crop, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,
Papa.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie.

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie.

Good News, Bad News and Great News

2011-11-23T20:38:00.000+08:00

During a holiday, a man's wife is lost at sea while scuba diving. The next day, two police offices visit the man in his hotel room.

"We're sorry to disturb you," says the first cop. "But we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the man asks for the bad news first.

"We're sorry to inform you," the policeman said, "that we found your wife's body in the bay this morning."

"Oh, my God!" the man sobs. Composing himself he remembers what the policeman had said, he asks, "So, what's the good news?"

"When we pulled her up," the eager policeman says, "she had two huge crayfish and a dozen crabs on her."

"What?!" the man exclaims, confused. "And what's the great news?"

"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

Nymphomaniacs

2011-11-22T21:37:00.000+08:00

Men are seduced into believing they're marrying nymphomaniacs.

The problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves but the maniac stays on.

How the EU Works

2011-11-22T21:25:00.001+08:00

Several years ago a small rural town in Italy twinned with a similar town in Greece.

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian Mayor he wondered how the Italian could afford such a house.

The Italian Mayor responded, "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single-lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built."

The following year the Italian Mayor visited the Greek town. He was astonished at the sight of the Greek Mayor's brand-new house; gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek Mayor said, "You see that bridge over there?"

The Italian replied, "No."

Siri Argument

2011-11-19T09:19:00.001+08:00

Rogue Squadron: Cheers

2011-11-17T13:46:00.001+08:00

Wake up Spock!

2011-11-14T20:34:00.001+08:00

PI | PIE

2011-11-13T16:43:00.000+08:00

Life's Too Short: Liam Neeson tries comedy

2011-11-13T16:24:00.001+08:00

At the Races

2011-11-01T20:07:00.002+08:00