I Know Funny

Shii - The Wii for Women

2009-11-12T21:07:00.003+08:00

Shake Weight Spoof Advertisement

2009-11-07T11:50:00.001+08:00

Old Man on Sexy Women

2009-11-07T11:37:00.003+08:00

Courtship advice from a senior citizen:

When you see a woman, and want her badly, please consider the following:

No matter how beautiful her face is...

No matter how curvaceous her body is...

No matter how cute and sweet her smile is...

No matter how round and tight her posterior is...

No matter how seductive her eyes are...

No matter how fragrant her hair is...

No matter how ample her breasts are...

I forgot what I was going to say.

Picture Paints a 1000 Words

2009-11-07T11:33:00.001+08:00

Tommy Cooper One-Liners

2009-11-07T11:21:00.003+08:00

One-liners attributed to Tommy Cooper:

Two blondes walked into a building... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message "If you want marijuana, press the hash key."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off."
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
Man: "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
Doctor: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
Man: "Is it common?"
Doctor: "'It's not unusual."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" asks the dog's owner. "No," replies the vet, "because he's really heavy."
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" the doctor asks. "Don't you start," says the guy.
Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says, "So are you, you fat bastard!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking Fine. So that was nice."
A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."

Bridge Over Troubled Waters

2009-11-07T11:15:00.003+08:00

A man riding his Harley Davidson was riding along the Victorian coast road when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The bikie pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Tasmania so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic - think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of Bass Strait and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The bikie thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "So, do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Do Unto Others

2009-10-28T20:14:00.001+08:00

Unappetizing Restaurants

2009-10-28T20:07:00.001+08:00

Personal Financial Advice

2009-10-19T20:25:00.001+08:00

What the Bloody Hell are You Thinking?

2009-10-18T10:44:00.006+08:00

Purported questions to Tourism Australia, and possible responses:

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Incredible Story

2009-10-18T10:39:00.000+08:00

Sex Education

2009-10-15T20:47:00.000+08:00

Transylvanian Transfusion

2009-10-15T20:37:00.003+08:00

Bruce Hill and his new wife Sheila were holidaying in Europe, near Transylvania. They were driving a rental car along a deserted road. It was late and raining heavily. Bruce could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control. Bruce attempts to regain control if the car but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bruce shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bruce knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bruce carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bruce immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bruce Hill, and this is my wife Sheila. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him."

Bruce brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Sheila and carries her downstairs, with Bruce following closely. Igor places Sheila on a table in the lab. Bruce collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bruce on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bruce and Sheila Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Sheila's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bruce's arm begins to rise, marking the beat. He is further amazed as Sheila and Bruce both sit up straight.

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

The Shredder

2009-10-15T20:35:00.001+08:00

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5.45pm when she found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. She turned the machine on, inserted the document, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

I Love Country Music

2009-10-11T16:29:00.003+08:00

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Funky Jewelry

2009-10-10T21:34:00.002+08:00

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King for a Day

2009-10-10T20:53:00.004+08:00

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Brown and Sticky

2009-10-10T20:52:00.001+08:00

The Horse's Moth

2009-10-03T15:50:00.000+08:00

Yogaholics

2009-10-03T15:47:00.000+08:00

Human Giant - Montana Meth

2009-10-03T15:35:00.001+08:00

Bravery's Reward

2009-10-03T15:21:00.004+08:00

An Aussie appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "On a trip to Kalgoorlie in Western Australia, I came upon a gang of bikies threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed gang member and punched him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago."

Americans Protesteth To Much

2009-10-03T15:17:00.001+08:00

Blonde Girlfriend

2009-09-25T20:08:00.002+08:00

Tour de Farce

2009-09-22T20:17:00.001+08:00