I love Jesus and I hope he'll understand a heart like mine

My crazy life

2012-02-10T08:59:00.001-08:00

Life has been good. Here are some pictures to prove it.

Winter

2011-12-31T11:34:00.001-08:00

We went to zoo lights again, this time I was armed with my camera that mom got me for Christmas. We stopped at pioneer square on the way so I could get a picture of C with the tree.

Zoo lights the second time was interesting. It was dumping rain like literally lol and we ran into M. M and I aren't talking very much right now and I have pretty much moved on. He hurt me by his absent behavior and not letting me know what was up. Turns out he decided he would stop seeing me to help make things with Mom and I better. That's nice of him except for the fact he decided this then forgot to mention it to me so here I am wondering why the man I loved never messages me, or never answers when I call. Never tries to see me anymore. Yep. It was great. He hurt me and I may forgive but I don't forget. He will always be the one who hurt me for no reason and I can't trust him now. He might do it again? OH and the best part.... When we saw him at zoo lights, he was wearing his effing wedding ring again. Um dude you aren't married anymore. Get over it!

So I am on the other side of the hurt and the anger and I am moving on without M. We may still be friends but I will never love him again like I loved him before.

Post Christmas woohoo

2011-12-26T22:32:00.001-08:00

My mom got me a new digital camera for Christmas! And R got me an I-tunes gift card so with it I bought the movie friends with benefits and a couple songs. Mom got herself an iPad which is cool. She bought a tracing app and with it I made this awesome picture of my favorite TOS Star Trek characters.....

Christmas stuff

2011-12-18T23:02:00.000-08:00

Well it is once again that fated holiday where people eat too much, worry about the things they get rather then give, and tend to be in a bad mood because songs about the season are on the radio and not the latest shit from Katy Perry or Lady Gaga.... yep. it's THAT time of year again and I am trying to make the best of it.

We went to the Tree lighting and the Macy's day after thanksgiving parade like we do every year. We went and saw santa and tonight we put up our tree.

Waving at Santa at the tree lighting

"Look at the lights mommy!"

"I want a Police Cruzer please Santa"

Best friend

2011-12-14T09:54:00.001-08:00

We are going to the zoo today with B my best friend. We have known each other since we were freshman in hs and have been friends since sophomore year. He spent a year in Iraq last year and I can't even explain how amazing it is to have him back in town.

Do not know what to do here

2011-12-04T08:56:00.001-08:00

Why do good things seem to come at bad times. Or decisions get made and you do things that seem like a good idea but then cause more issues after. I am stressed and freaking out and I don't know what to do. I have numbers to call and things to do and I am so confused. I thought it was a good idea but now I am regretting it and I can't take it back. What do I do? Seriously, FREAKING OUT HERE!!!

Hate

2011-11-29T10:43:00.001-08:00

I don't like feeling so angry all the time so I am taking steps to try to change things. Sorry it's short but it's all I can process right now hope things get better though. Whatever that means.

Funny shit

2011-11-23T11:35:00.001-08:00

Saw the movie "going the distance" omfg so funny like seriously, mothers are great, you wouldn't be here without her vagina! Lol

Having dinner at M's tonight. I'm looking forward to it. I think we are having Ikea swedish meatballs lol we got them from ikea yesterday. I think tonight will be good for us, get some time to talk, hang out, C will be there too so I really hope he isn't too crazy -like usual - we are also trying to figure out what to do today later, zoo, bowling, ice skating. The weather is so crapy (hello fall in Oregon) I would really like to do something outside but it's not really an option with 3 inches of rain just today :-(

Ikea, sigh, so much stuff there i want and so cheap. I got a 'briefcase' for $16 and a umbrella for $3! It's pink and I love it except I don't believe in umbrellas lol I'm an Oregonian after all.... They (ikea) have this new rewards program called ikea family. I signed up, you get free coffee or tea each visit, and with each purchase an entry into a drawing to win $100 ikea gift card, wish me luck I could really use it for sure.

bazaar times

2011-11-22T11:00:00.000-08:00

I've been looking at different ways to get C involved in the coming holiday, he seems ready and willing to skip over Thanksgiving and head straight to "Santa's eve" as he calls it. I saw these awesome little candle centerpiece ideas on a friend K's blog and just needed to share them!

Check out her blog Mostly Mommyhood and while you are there you can enter to win a $100 giftcard from Safeway!

Another holiday that has come and gone this year with slight bit of regret on my part is Veterans Day. M and I took C to the Veterans day parade that makes it's way through the hollywood district starting at Grant HS. Now, I know several Veterans, and people who are actively serving in the military, C's godfather B for example. Therefore I feel like I could do more to honor the men and women who have served our country throughout the years. I think in years to come I would like to get C involved in some kind of service project to help veterans, homeless veterans perhaps. But for now here are some pictures from our fun at the parade.

Sunday this past week Mom and I participated in a bazaar of sorts at Fabric Depot. It was an employee crafts bazaar and the intent was it would only be open for employees to shop with the hopes that it's the foundation for a yearly craft fair there. I was selling earrings and mom made various rings. we didn't sell much but that wasn't the point, it was to be the first so that it can evlolve into something bigger and better in years to come.

I think I am going to look into an online outlet to sell my earrings, etsy or something similar, I hear from my friend S that etsy isn't as great as it used to be, so perhaps zibbet where she sells.

M, my safest place to hide

2011-11-16T09:22:00.001-08:00

I love M. He means so much to me. I find myself constantly thinking about him. Wishing I was with him. He is such a good person, nice, sweet, caring. He makes me feel like I'm important to him. Like yesterday his roommate E got called in to work the graveyard shift at the Zoo so he gave him a ride and the was gonna take him home but since we had breakfast plans he was going to drive E home all the way to Boring then back to me. It's a half hour each way longer if the traffic sucks. I just thought it was sweet. The text he sent me said "I can't let you win every time. You would be spoiled, but, I will take E home and drive back and be with you." How sweet is that! He would go out of his way to see me.

He does frustrate me though. Like he is still trying to make his ex wife happy by not acknowledging me on Facebook - don't get me wrong I understand to a point the issues with her. But also at some point you need to put your current before your past. Am I wrong? Really, am I wrong? I know it's just Facebook but I feel like the secret in the closet. I feel like I need him to be honest about me everywhere or maybe we should take a break until he's ready to do that.

It's so frustrating because he's making an effort to see me more, but he still hides me from his family - Trust me, I understand that they (she - the ex) is weirded out by our age difference (30 years), and she still has most of his stuff since he doesn't have his own place yet, but my mom is just as disturbed by the age difference yet I deal with the backlash from it all the time because it's important to me to be honest about our relationship. Sigh. Idk what to do.

Insert good title ______here

2011-11-06T10:45:00.001-08:00

I purchased all three 'lord of the ring' movies from Safeway today for $5 each (!!!!!) I've never been a huge fan of the series, couldn't really get into it, but for that cheap I figure I can watch them all for once.

Things have been quite strange around here lately. Mom and I argue quote a lot yet the past few days have been very good. Today for example, went to two bazaars, lunch, did some christmas shopping for C, home. Cooked a fantastic dinner and shared a bottle and a half of wine. Today was nearly a perfect day!

I am quite nervous about some things that are neither good nor bad, and nervous isn't exactly correct either. I can't explain what I'm talking about until I know what I'm talking about, if that makes any sense lol but I should know soon enough!

OHSA meeting

2011-11-04T10:53:00.001-07:00

Well am I sooooooo glad I signed myself up for this. Ugh meetings are so not fun. It's a great organization to be involved with, just meetings always have their ups and downs. Going to ne glad to be home to stay - at least till the end of the month.

Selfish

2011-11-02T12:40:00.001-07:00

Yes. I am talking about myself. I am selfish. I want things. I have dreams I want to come true. Here is the list of my wants in no particular order:

A car
A ring
A house
Another child
Love

See my list of demands isn't so outrageous really. Just a few things every girl wants. I can sum it up in just a few words. I want my happily ever after! M could be the best person for me. We get along so well, he makes me laugh, he is such a sweetie, oh and chivalrous. I love him so much. <3

Thank god it is over

2011-11-01T09:54:00.001-07:00

The end of a long day. For me it was pretty ok, for C it was one of the longest days this month. School, then downtown to see the band Parachute in the bing lounge, then lunch at the mall, then the library, then the bus to the depot, then dinner at busters (C wasn't hungry so all head was pickles), then finally to R's house for trick or treating. Phew. Laying it all out like that I can see why I had two Starbucks drinks today. And the moment you've all been waiting for.............pictures!

More Halloween

2011-10-30T10:41:00.001-07:00

Alphabeticians Halloween party yesterday at mississippi pizza!

Mr Hoo (left) and Mr E (right) the alphabeticians

Baby Mosh pit!!

Bali brought a date

C getting right up in the middle of it all

It's Monkey Time

Even Superman needs a nap sometimes

I Hate Halloween

2011-10-29T08:41:00.001-07:00

It's true. I've never really liked the holiday. Here are some Halloween party pictures from last night at mt. Caramel Lutheran church's Halloween party.

I am a black widow (not the spider) and C is Clark Kent/Superman (he came up with the costume idea on his own)

Pirates Booty lol

J playing GHOST (BINGO)

Clark Kent, no wait it's SUPERMAN

Cake Walk

Pirate J and his Bucaneer J

Tired

2011-10-27T12:48:00.001-07:00

Let's just say I've checked out and am pretty done with how things are right now. M & I are fantastic. It's my home life I'm sick of. Here's some pictures of recent stuff. M and I took S's son P to the zoo yesterday.

It has been a while

2011-10-26T16:14:00.001-07:00

Lots has happened lately - C had his first field trip (to the pumpkin patch), homecoming football game, train trip to Parkdale, first time on a farriswheel, finnegan's grand opening with the alphabatetions, and first time carving a pumpkin. Lots of pictures coming your way.....

Love M

2011-09-24T09:20:00.001-07:00

This is from the winterhawks hockey game last night-they won against everett 3-2 in a shoot out!! C loved it and so did I M is talking about getting a 5 game package bundle or something like that..... Would be cool!

Curious events

2011-09-22T09:21:00.001-07:00

C started school. Today was his first day. He seems to have had a good day, they had vasagna (lasagna) for lunch, but he just ate Mellon lol.

M and I are doing so so good. We are taking C to his (& my) first hockey game coming up on Friday. I'm pretty excited :-) It should be a good night. Saturday mom is going with us to the zoo for member appreciation weekend. Oh gosh-then Sunday my friend S is having a Jeff Dunham viewing party!

I've got some zbb pictures I'm adding to this post and C's first day at school and then a coveted picture of M :-) yay finally a picture of him-US!! Oh I forgot about momtopia.... C volunteered to have a snake around his neck-I was freaking out lol.

can't even get home before he's on the phone to his bali about his day!

This is C's classroom!

Going in the door for the first time

we had amazing seats, the concert was so worth the money

This was really zoomed in but still such a good angle, couldn't have asked for better seats

M and me at ZBB!

The way they had the screens set up was really cool, sometimes they showed videos sometimes the artists. Very good set up!

M on his last day in powder blue... god I'm gonna miss that shirt

Can't believe the picture isn't blurry, I was shaking!

Zac brown band

2011-09-17T08:55:00.001-07:00

What a great night I had last night. Went and saw ZBB with my wonderful boyfriend mark. It was
Technically our first date, and I had so much fun!

ZBB opened the show with their song knee deep and from their they kept rockin it! Omg they did the best version I've ever heard of Charlie daniel's band's song 'the devil went down to georgia'. It was such a good show I am so so so so so glad I bought tickets!

9/11

2011-09-11T08:09:00.000-07:00

Ragged Old Flag lyrics
I walked through a county courthouse square
On a park bench, an old man was sittin' there.
I said, "Your old court house is kinda run down,
He said, "Naw, it'll do for our little town".
I said, "Your old flag pole is leaned a little bit,
And that's a ragged old flag you got hangin' on it".
He said, "Have a seat", and I sat down,
"Is this the first time you've been to our little town"
I said, "I think it is"
He said "I don't like to brag, but we're kinda proud of
That Ragged Old Flag

"You see, we got a little hole in that flag there,
When Washington took it across the Delaware.
and It got powder burned the night Francis Scott Key sat watching it,
writing "Say Can You See"
It got a rip in New Orleans, with Packingham & Jackson
tugging at its seams.
and It almost fell at the Alamo
beside the Texas flag,
But she waved on though.
She got cut with a sword at Chancellorsville,
And she got cut again at Shiloh Hill.
There was Robert E. Lee and Beauregard and Bragg,
And the south wind blew hard on
That Ragged Old Flag

"On Flanders Field in World War I,
She got a big hole from a Bertha Gun,
She turned blood red in World War II
She hung limp, and low, a time or two,
She was in Korea, Vietnam, She went where she was sent
by her Uncle Sam.
She waved from our ships upon the briny foam
and now they've about quit wavin' back here at home
in her own good land here She's been abused,
She's been burned, dishonored, denied an' refused,
And the government for which she stands
Has been scandalized throughout out the land.
And she's getting thread bare, and she's wearin' thin,
But she's in good shape, for the shape she's in.
Cause she's been through the fire before
and i believe she can take a whole lot more.

"So we raise her up every morning
And we bring her down slow every night,
We don't let her touch the ground,
And we fold her up right.
On second thought
I *do* like to brag
Cause I'm mighty proud of
That Ragged Old Flag"

Boom boom clap

2011-08-11T21:58:00.000-07:00

Long day at work, and I left half an hour early - wasn't feeling good. Throat, side pain.... yep wasn't feeling good at all. It was nice to get off a little early, got to spend some quality time kissing M.... yep, best way to kill time I think. Met up with mom and C at the Portland Farmers Market off Hawthorne on 20th. M met my mom. Yeah, that was weird for me.... She's always awkward to meet after a long day at work, and I didn't warn her so she was surprised...... LAST week on Thursday, old M gave me a ride home and C got super upset that he didn't get to say HI, so this week I made sure C got to say HI to the M that drove me home.... wow that's confusing and I typed it!

Tomorrow night M and I are taking C somewhere away from the city and ......... Oh no, I mean we are going to watch the Perseid Meteor Shower. I'm looking forward to ti. Hopefully C falls asleep in the car, and the full moon doesn't hinder out meteror viewing too much... I haven't been in a few years, so it should be pretty awesome, that and time with M is always awesome....

I'm trying to keep some distance between him and C at the moment because I dont want C getting attached like he did with ex M. That break up wouldn't have been so bad for me if C hadn't kept asking where's M, where's M is M not my friend anymore.... UHHHHH Well, buddy NO he's not... Yeah, so I don't want that to happen again.

I liked ending the last post with lyrics to a song in my head so here you go, tonight's song is by an amazing 80's band, REO Speedwagon!

I can't fight this feeling any longer.
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow.
What started out as friendship,
Has grown stronger.
I only wish I had the strength to let it show.

I tell myself that I can't hold out forever.
I said there is no reason for my fear.
Cause I feel so secure when we're together.
You give my life direction,
You make everything so clear.

And even as I wander,
I'm keeping you in sight.
You're a candle in the window,
On a cold, dark winter's night.
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might.

And I can't fight this feeling anymore.
I've forgotten what I started fighting for.
It's time to bring this ship into the shore,
And throw away the oars, forever.
Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore.
I've forgotten what I started fighting for.
And if I have to crawl upon the floor,
Come crushing through your door,
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore.

My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you.
I've been running round in circles in my mind.
And it always seems that I'm following you, girl,
Cause you take me to the places,
That alone I'd never find.

And even as I wander,
I'm keeping you in sight.
You're a candle in the wind,
On a cold, dark winter's night.
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might.

And I can't fight this feeling anymore.
I've forgotten what I started fighting for.
It's time to bring this ship into the shore,
And throw away the oars, forever.

Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore.
I've forgotten what I started fighting for.
And if I have to crawl upon the floor,
Come crushing through your door,
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore.

just a kiss

2011-08-10T22:40:00.000-07:00

WOW - what a summer.

zoo = best job ever
reasons:
Matt
Mark
Money

the three "m's" Lol

no, really though, the zoo is great if the people I drive would keep their fucking opinions to them selves... some people just like to meddle methinks.   I drive the short bus.. yes that's right, the short bus. It's a 14 passenger SHORT BUS... did you catch that... I'll say it again cuz it makes me laugh... SHORT BUS

C took swimming lessons for the first two or three sessions, and did super well. He was the only 4yo at the Otter level so he was in a class by himself.....can back float now and is learning how to do arm circles for the front whatever you call it. Amazing little boy.

SOOOO   as facebook says, I'm in a relationship!   M is super fantastic. Still in the very early stages of things but is it bad if I'm ready to say things... things that scare me.... things that are loaded......   Yeah? ok... not yet, but just cuz I dont say it doesn't mean I dont feel it.   we went to council crest Monday night for our first "date" that was really nice minus the mosquitos that wouldn't stop eating him (my job?) and the clouds.... Stupid 'summer' weather..... Friday we're going to watch the meteor shower with C and that should be nice (I'll bring the bug spray). It's kinda silly, but we have matching black bracelets..... I am a hopeless romantic like that (I bought them at the fair)

OMG THE FAIR!!!   we saw REO Speedwagon in concert again this year. WOW such a good show!!! they EFFING ROCKED IT! I won box seats, but the seats we had were way better. 9 rows back center right WOW!!   so awesome!

Lady A really says it in their song (lyrics below) I mean EXACTLY says it...   How the hell do they know what's in my head? Seriously? I mean seriously!!

Lyin' here with you so close to me
It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe
I'm caught up in this moment, caught up in your smile

I've never opened up to anyone
So hard to hold back when I'm holding you in my arms
We don't need to rush this, let's just take it slow

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
No, I don't want to push too far

Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby, I'm alright with just a kiss goodnight

I know that if we give this a little time
It'll only bring us closer to the love we wanna find
It's never felt so real, no, it's never felt so right
[| From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/l/lady-antebellum-lyrics/just-a-kiss-lyrics.html |]

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
No, I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far

Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby, I'm alright with just a kiss goodnight

No, I don't want to say goodnight
I know it's time to leave
But you'll be in my dreams
Tonight, tonight, tonight

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far

Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby, I'm alright

Oh, let's do this right with just a kiss goodnight
With a kiss goodnight, kiss goodnight

flighing high

2011-05-19T21:44:00.000-07:00

What a great few days I've had. What a great few weeks to come! I love my new job, C likes his day care lady R. I have a plan in mind for September as far as school goes. Everything is really going good right now.

I know this is short, but we are going to Art Park tomorrow and I am exhausted!