I Matt My Pants

THANK YOU INTERNET: Moonwalk Video Bomb

2010-07-27T10:46:00.002-04:00

The best 9 seconds you'll spend all day.

[via]

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Who Wants to Go With Me and Look at a Bunch of Teresa's Tacky-Ass Furniture Being Auctioned Off?

2010-07-26T14:02:00.000-04:00

Friendships. This will be the auction to end all New Jersey Housewives that are currently filing for bankruptcy auctions! And everything must go. Now, I'm no bankruptcy expert because I'm very good at managing the 73 cents that sits in the cupholder of my car so I don't really know much about the process of having all your possessions sold off in a fire sale. But, I can definitely assume it's going to be exactly like how I picture every auction in my mind - a portly gentleman in suspenders and a straw hat, sweating, as he rapidly spouts off auction items and bidding prices while the audience, all dressed in their Sunday best hold up signs on popsicle sticks to bid. It will also take place outside. There's a gazebo somewhere.

Anyway, you can check out the entire list of auction items here - all THIRTEEN PAGES of them. Or you can check out some of my choice favies after the break.

Child’s Wooden Table and Chair Set, Probably Maple
Composition Cherub Pedestals
Lot of Exercise Equipment (2 Rowing Machines, Exercycle, a Few Free Weights)
Upholstered Single Cushion Loveseat in Leopard Pattern Fabric with Brass Tack Ornamentation, Wood Legs
Composition Faux Marble Chess Set (ed. note: I'm sure this was a family favorite)
Dell Optiplex GX520 Computer (Not Connected) <---HA!
Ladies 14 Kt. Yellow Gold Wedding Band, ~5.0 dwt
Men’s 14 Kt. White Gold Wedding Band, ~8.0 dwt.
Assorted Coolers
Push-‐Cart International Mini Table-‐Top Hot Dog Cart (ed. note: WANT)
Billy Goat Quiet Blow 8.0 H.P. Blower
Lot of Tarps (creepy)

And that doesn't even begin to cover the LIMITLESS things they had in their possession that had the words faux or prisms in their descriptions. It's definitely a good read. Though it gets a tiny bit depressing when you see all the stuff from their girls' rooms that they're selling. Wah wah.

She's totally not bankrupt you guys. She sooo told Danielle. Zing on all of us.

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EXCLUSIVE Speaking of Animal Hoarders...

2010-07-22T14:15:00.001-04:00

First off, read the post below. It will prepare you for this the following. Earlier this week, a woman living in my current state of residence not to be confused with my home state agreed to fork over $60,000 five zeros! in animal cruelty charges. That's a lot of monies! What on earth could she have done to accrue that much in monies owed?

SHE HAD OVER 800 BIRDS IN HER HOME NEARLY HALF OF WHICH WERE DEAD...

What in the Marahute-saved-the-boy-hell is this?! Eight HUNDRED birds!? Gross lady. Gross. Just read this jimpit from NJ.com:

A Belleville woman has agreed to pay $60,000 and seek psychological counseling in connection with animal cruelty charges leveled in March after 375 dead exotic birds and 460 live ones were found in her home.

"We initially had filed 5,000 counts of animal cruelty. When our guys walked into the house, it looked like there was snow on the ground with all the feathers, bird droppings and dead birds," said Matt Stanton, a spokesman for the SPCA, adding that the odors were nearly unbearable.

Straight up. This is disgusting. Vom-inducing. 375 dead birds? That's more dead birds than I'll ever see in my life and I eat a lot of chicken. Just imagine that smell. Have you ever smelled a chicken coop in the summer? Now, dead that up a little bit. It's gotta be close?

I'm happy to be able to provide you all with some totally legit EXCLUSIVE pictures from this ladies house. Be prepared, they're rather shocking. Take a look after the jump...

First up, we have a shot of her living room. This is what met the police and animal control when they first entered. Not too bad, but still... that's a lot of birds.

Next up, we have her kitchen. This is a bit extreme.

And finally and most disturbing, a shot of her bedroom. At least she fashioned herself a nice pillow.

thanks laura

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Confessions: Animal Hoarding S01E01 - The Show I've Always Wanted

2010-07-22T11:51:00.000-04:00

Friendships... let's talk about Confessions: Animal Hoarding right now. It premiered last night on Animal Planet and is just the show that I've been waiting for since Obsessed did a season finale special on hoarding which became a spin-off show called Hoarders which occasionally has animal hoarders (always cats gross).

This show, is everything you'd expect from someone that hoards pets, but with more pets.

Last night's episode featured two pet savers - Bonnie, who at one time had over 100 dogs which the county eventually seized, but is now working on growing her collection again - and Don, who has 30 cats which prevents his wife of 16 years from living in the home because of the fact that there are 30 effing cats pissing and sh*tting everywhere.

the Christmas tree is made of dog feces

Let's get this one outta the way... Bonnie is a lost cause. She lives with her mom who's a walking dead person and her son who's a walking virgin. Bonnie, unsurprisingly walks very little. She now only has eight dogs which is a far cry from her ONE HUNDRED that she owned before the county got real with her. Eight seems pretty reasonable for a hoarder. The problem with Bonnie though, was she NEVER LET HER DOGS OUTSIDE. Her house was a piss palace. She was afraid that if her "babies" of course went outside, the immediate outcome would be RUN OVER BY CARS. dead. So, the sh*t storm that was her house, was actually a storm of sh*t inside her house. Bonnie, being too ~~fat~~ ~~lazy~~ ~~broken~~ disabled to bend over and pick it up, uses a pooper scooper on a pole. On her carpet. She scrapes (read: smears) dog turds on her carpet with a fancy rake.

When given the chance at help, Bonnie didn't want it. She refused to give up her dogs. She refused to take them to a vet to get the necessary medical attention they needed to not have that gross slime-eye thing that dirty pets get. And she almost refused to let a vet come in and treat them. Ultimately though, her niece and a specialist won out. They got a vet to come in and remove the slime-eye and they had a doggy door installed - to which Bonnie almost lost it when the dogs enjoyed being able to poop in a place that didn't smell like the inside of Bonnie's house.

Don on the other hand, seemed to actually want his life back. More on Don after the jump, plus the most disgusting picture of a couch you will ever throw up on your computer monitor over.

Let's take a brief moment to soak up vomiting at the thought everything that's currently on/in/apartof that couch. In the episode, Don stated that the couch, at one time, was a bright white sofa. BRIGHT. WHITE. And don't get me started, don't even get me started on whatever those brown, drip marks are on the wall. I'm started. Old cat pee? Cat diarrhea? Cat puke? Cat combo? Cat sex fluids? Cat afterbirth? It's gotta be something with cats right?

Now that you've puked up your pre-lunch McGriddle you were saving from breakfast, we can talk about Don. My heart almost went out to him if it wasn't for that couch. He had been through a great deal in his life, real things like drug addiction and jail time not a lonely childhood and a couple divorces I'm looking at you Bonnie. And he truly loved his wife. He knew he needed to change and give up his catopia more like craptopia so she could move back.

So, after saying goodbye to his feline friends with the help of every humane society in a 5 county radius and some lengthy and intense cleaning that couch friendships, THAT COUCH things are looking on the up and up for good ol' Don and his wife.

----------------------------

This show guys. This show! Wednesdays at 9:00 on Animal Planet. Mark your DVRs with your own urine like the cats did with Don's printer and EVERYTHING because OMG, this show.

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Hey! A Cute Video of Stacy "Fergalicious" Ferguson When She Was Little Singing on Kids Incorporated and She...Wait, What the EFF IS THAT!?

2010-07-21T18:11:00.000-04:00

Just wait for the :40 mark. Poor Fergie. Guess we know why this happens now.

thanks Sarah

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Lucky Fox

2010-07-21T10:19:00.000-04:00

I just like what the fox's face looks like while it's ENORMOUS head is stuck in that chain link fence. Plus, being spoon-fed ice cream until you decide to pull your ENORMOUS head out wouldn't be such a bad way to spend a sunny afternoon.

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Howard? Is That You?

2010-07-20T15:19:00.000-04:00

THOSE LIPS!

Lindsay Lohan's newest mugshot from earlier today via TMZ.

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The Goonies 'r' Good Enough is Good Enough

2010-07-19T13:30:00.000-04:00

Friendships, let's please not get me started on the tremendous impact that The Goonies had on my childhood and pop culture, let's not even get me started. There's not enough blog space here for me to express my gratitude nor is there enough time in a day for me to write it all down. I write in day-sized increments.

Back when fun began, when The Goonies was first released in theaters, there was a video game based on the movie that was never released in America. And! There was even a sequel to that game not based on the sequel to the movie because it was never made that was released in America! Confusions!

Well now, to celebrate the 25th Anniversary of The Goonies (movie), some video game developer has spent the last four years building an all new Goonies game for us all to play... ...if you have the MSX home computer which not a single person on this planet currently owns because duh, technology.

But you can watch a fun little trailer for it after the jump. Or just drag the little thing over to the 2:14 mark to hear the best version of Cyndi Lauper's Goonies 'R' Good Enough you've ever heard. Chills.

[via Kotaku]

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LET'S WATCH: Sharktopus Trailer

2010-07-19T10:25:00.002-04:00

That is all.

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TEN(!) Videos of Child Pole Dancers

2010-07-14T14:17:00.000-04:00

Friendships, did you read the story about the 15-year-old girl that was busted stripping at a strip club... for the second time the first being last year when she was only 14? It's basically worst in every way.

An underage girl found dancing at a strip bar earlier this year was caught dancing at another topless club on the same day the first establishment was padlocked, police said Tuesday.

Officers went to Club Onyx in Detroit on Monday night after getting a tip that an underage girl was dancing, police spokesman John Roach said. The 15-year-old they found was the same girl who at age 14 was performing at All Stars Lounge in April, he said.

Police arrested a manager at Club Onyx, Roach said. Roach said the club could be shuttered and the manager could be charged with child sexually abusive activity.

Obviously, the first question that comes to mind is, ~~was she any good?~~ where are this girl's parent(s)? The report does say that the girl's home life isn't the most desirable and that she seems pretty troubled - A friend of the teenager's family described the girl as "disrespectful of her mother," the Detroit News reported.

And I'm sure some people will read this and point to some of the poorer influences that there are out there for little girls these days, but I'm not even going to go there. Act like a parent. If you don't want your kids to watch Miley Cyrus strip around a bird cage and simulate sex with her father, then don't have children. Simple.as.that.

But that got me thinking. Certainly, most parents don't want their children to ~~grow up to~~ be strippers. But, somewhere in this post-Little Mermaid-boners world, there had to be some parents out there that would be proud of their child working the pole for all it's worth, makin' it rain, and all that other stripper talk.

Unfortunately, youtube was very kind to me in that respect. Granted, I'm pretty sure that the FBI and Chris Hansen are probably waiting for me when I get home after work today from youtubing and googling these videos. And even if they're not, no amount of skin-meltingly hot showering will rinse me of the disgust I feel. Whatevs though, someone had to do it eventually no they didn't.

So, I now present to you, 10 Videos of Small Children Dancing on a Stripper Pole. Get your Purell, blowtorches, and bleach baths ready. It's gonna be a dirty ride.

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1. (this one's the best/worst)

P.S. - I think the most disturbing part of all of this isn't the children actually mimicking and being super good at stripping, it's how into it half their parents seem to be while they video tape this. How many of these can you hear the parent/legal guardian/pedophile encouraging it in these clips!? Miley might be slutty, but these parents are fail.

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I Like Video Games

2010-07-14T11:49:00.000-04:00

I don't have much to say about this video. It looks neat and the various characters from old school Nintendo games is pretty sweet. The music... um... there's music involved the samples from the game are awesome. I just beat Bubble Bobble with a friend a couple of weekends ago.

[via Gizmodo]

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FOX NEWS: Fair & Balanced & Totally Newsworthy...

2010-07-13T13:43:00.003-04:00

Now this is the hard-hitting journalism I've been waiting for when it comes to the Lindsay Lohan jail time saga! Those Lesbian Prison Gangs are probably chomping at the clit while they count down the days until the Lilo is sent to the slammer.

To really drive home their point of Lesbian Gangs, FOX NEWS spoke with Tamara Haley, who "is doing time for heroin possession and prostitution." A few choice quotes:

On what Lesbian Gangs might do to Lindsay:
She said Monday: "Everyone will want a piece of her. It will make them famous if they hurt Lindsay Lohan.

"Or if you get her to cry, the whole ward will laugh and people will love it -- even the guards."

On how to avoid the Lesbian Gangs:
She said: "The gay inmates wear their shirts inside out to let others know they are available.

"So if Lindsay doesn't want someone to grab her ass she'd better keep her shirt on straight.
"Women grab each other like animals when the guards aren't looking. It's disgusting."

On hygiene:
"There's an infection going around now. You can barely sleep at night from all the coughing. And there are girls with body lice."

And whoever wrote this article, specifically this line:"Lohan has been sentenced to 90 days' jail for breaking her probation for a 2007 drunken-driving offense" - must have been looking at this picture the whole time. Definitely click on over to FOX NEWS' site and watch the video that isn't embeddable - yay 2010 of the Courtney Friel working hard for her Pulitzer nomination.

P.S. - I wonder if SamRo is willing to defend her over this.

Thanks Dan

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SAVE VERMONTASAURUS!!

2010-07-13T10:44:00.000-04:00

The mighty Vermontasaurus. A proud creature. A strong and gentile beast standing 25-feet-tall and 122-feet-long that rests on the property of one Brian Boland in Post Mills is that a cereal brand?, Vermont.

Mr. Boland constructed the behemoth with the help of some volunteers and a rather large scrap heap of planks, boards, and other wooden refuse. No other materials or tools were used outside of what was in the pile.

The Vermontasaurus was just a fun idea with a kind-hearted intent; to be a place for people in the community to gather without the worry of commercial underpinnings.

But some people in the neighborhood aren't so enthralled with the detritus dino.

"It's an interesting piece of art, but personally, I don't find it all that appealing," said neighbor Mary Wilson, 54, who lives down the street and wishes it could be removed. On the poster Boland circulated to seek volunteers, "it looked pretty neat. But when you look at it now, it looks like a messy piece of art."

This bitch. Kuh-cha. It's not like it's a real dinosaur, doing real dinosaur things like stomping around and eating all the neighborhood pets and pooping dinosaur poop on the front lawn of Ol' Mary Wilson she's probably, actually super nice. It's a fake dinosaur that can't move because it's fake. There's no poop involved. Mary Wilson is obviously afraid of neighborhood pets pooping in her meticulously manicured lawn.

Unfortunately for Boland, the town of Thetford also has some qualms with Vermontasaurus. Namely that it is a structure, and structures need to be permitted. This process could range from a monetary amount to purchase the permit to an absolute denial meaning he'd have to dismantle the entire thing... something that Ol' Mary Wilson would probably be giddy about. Servin' lemonade to herself on her front porch, just-a-smilin'.

The local government will be discussing the matter this week, with a decision hopefully being made shortly thereafter on whether or not we will see the extinction of the Vermontasaurus.

thanks Megan!

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MY HOME STATE PRESENTS: The Lady Who Pretended to be a Boy to Sleep with a 13 Year Old Girl

2010-07-12T14:49:00.000-04:00

Friendships... this classy broad! Patricia Dye, who is by birth, a 31-year old woman, physically pretended to be a 14-year old boy in order to get in the pants of a 16-year old girl. Go spend another dollar at your work's vending machine to grab another 100-calorie snack pack of Oreo crisps, because you're gonna need something to wash or warsh as my mother says the gross out of your mouth.

Ooooof course the two met on the internet, which is about as shocking as those plasma lamps you always wanted but your parents would never buy you. Something actually shocking? The fact that that the 16-year old victim had NO IDEA that Patty D was a lady in boy-skin clothing. Even more shocking? The victim's mother ALSO fell for the dick-trick.

Local news story in video form after the jump!

My favorite part of the story - outside of the detective dude back handed complimenting Patty D's little boy features "she didn't have to do much." zing!! - was when they told the victim about her "boyfriend's" true identity. Obviously... "the victim was very upset..." and "...didn't like the idea of that person taking advantage of her." BUT SHE WAS OKAY WITH a 14-year old boy taking advantage of her!? AGEIST!

[via Tabloid Prodigy]

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My Trip Home

2010-07-12T12:20:00.000-04:00

An actual picture from my drive (I was thinking of ending it all here).

This past Friday, I drove back to my home town in Ohio for a wedding of a good friend of mine. The wedding was beautiful, the bride was just precious, and I got to see some friends, visit with family, and I got to go see Predators despite the wonk dialog and Adrien Brody channeling his fiercest Batman voice, it was super awesome.

All in all, it was a fantastic trip...

...EXCEPT FOR THE DRIVING.

Normally, I have no problem driving long distances. In fact, I kind of enjoy it it gives me some thinkin' time. And a one way trip to my little Ohio town from my bustling New Jersey berg is usually just a smidge over 9 hours. The best part of the trip is usually driving through Pennsylvania on I-80 because it's barren and you can basically drive a decent amount over the speed limit* without having to worry about being pulled over**.

NOT THIS TIME. No. This time, the vast majority of Interstate 80 was riddled with construction zones, much like the pencil of the nervous, sweaty kid in your 10th grade Geometry class was riddled with teeth marks. Instead of the serene, joyful drive through the mountains of Pennsyltucky, I had to drive through what can only be described as the afterbirth of an unfortunate, poorly planned government roadway beautification project.

At least five different times the highway was reduced to one lane in both directions and of those five different times, I can think of two that there was ZERO construction going on. It was frustrating. Especially when you bypass one exit to get gas assuming that the next one in seven miles would be easily accessible. BUT IT WASN'T BECAUSE THERE WAS ONLY ONE LANE OF TRAFFIC AND NO ONE WAS MOVING BECAUSE OF IT - DESPITE THE FACT THAT NOTHING WAS BEING WORKED ON. NO PEOPLE, NO MACHINES, NO NOTHING. Just five miles of blocked off highway. Here is a dramatic picture to represent the various spots of construction. Exact locations are estimates. And the size of the road barrels directly corresponds to the immense and indescribable rage that filled my entire being when I'd see this.

Needless to say, my nine hour drive became a ten and a half hour drive on the way to Ohio. And on the way back, my nine hour drive became an ELEVEN hour drive. All of that extra time was spent either moving at an incredible slow, zombie shuffle pace not a virus-zombie pace - those suckers are fast! I'm talking about a dead-zombie pace or a complete stand still, which on two separate occasions included me having multiple anxiety attacks over the thought of running out of gas in the hills of Pennsylvania and having to walk 13 miles to the next exit to get gas and beg a local to drive me back to my car which would inevitably lead to some sort of Wrong Turn-like sequence of events that ended with me being eaten/raped/both by the dueling banjo kid from Deliverance.

Luckily, I made it home in both directions safely. Without ever running out of gas. And outside of the massive blood pressure spikes that I repeatedly had, teetering on the edge of a massive pulmonary embolism from the deep vein thrombosis my mother works in an open heart unit, I have fears I suffered from barely moving my legs for half a day, it really wasn't that bad.

Plus, I got to see an interesting way of cooling off your van when the AC goes out...

All in all, never drive through Pennsylvania on Interstate 80 on low fuel. Or ever.

*- I, in no way, condone speeding.

**- I was pulled over one time when I was driving home a few years back for Christmas... speeding in a construction zone***. The officer was nice enough to downgrade my ticket to a lesser offense so that I could keep my license.

***- I like to make good time.

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Early Morning Crap (20 Hours in a Car, 3 Hours Sitting in Constructions, a Wedding, and Predators Edition)

2010-07-12T10:59:00.000-04:00

Underage Drinking will prevent you from having all of the most important things in life. Like pizza, pizza, pizza, dogs, pizza, Van Helsing, pizza, dogs, Lord of the Rings, dogs, tv, soda-cola, pizza, pizza, pizza, and pizza. I don't know what that cap is for though... [BuzzFeed]

Paul the Octopus is pretty much the hottest ticket in town right now. It's only a matter of time before his reputation is tarnished with a drug scandal or allegations that he abuses his girlfriend. [dlisted]

AT&T U-Verse subscriber? Mad Men fan? Welp, then you best be getting your torches and pitchforks ready because you might end up missing the season four premiere on July 25th. [TV Guide]

Ben Affleck was given the nickname "Mr. Boston" by his costar in The Town. She is an idiot. There is only one, true "Mr. Boston." [People]

Roman Polanski will not be extradited by Switzerland at the request of the Unites States which is landmark victory for child rapists everywhere. Way to go Switzerland! Way to go! [MSNBC]

Samantha Ronson, a knight in shining armor comes to the rescue of a poor trampsel in distress. What a strapping young man she's grown to become. [Evil Beet Gossip]

Angelina Jolie loves speaking Russian. That right there allows Us to write up 5 paragraphs worth of nothing and post it as a story. [Us Magazine]

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I Met Britney Spears

2010-07-09T08:56:00.000-04:00

Friendships, a few months back, I had the pleasure of meeting the QUEEN OF POP. How you might ask considering that she was on tour in Australia getting booed? Well, I was lucky enough to be helping out at an awards ceremony for some rando-McGee company that was giving toot-toots to their employees when I discovered that they had hired THE Britney Spears herself to perform. THE.

Needless to say... pictures were taken, videos were captured, and dancing was done. Even better, Miss Spears was kind enough to give my comedy group, The Foolhardy Manor a quick plug! Check it out after the break!

I just never knew she had such a strong Southern accent!

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Early Morning Crap (Driving Back to Ohio for a Wedding Later Today Edition)

2010-07-09T08:16:00.000-04:00

Bea Arthur starring in a parody of Sex and the City? This is probably as old as The Hills, but I've never seen it, and Bea, you just too good. [Kaitlyn's fbook]

Jay Leno... why is it just so hard for you to shut your mouth? You didn't get an Emmy nom because FAIL doesn't deserve to win, unless it's Jon Cryer of course. [TV Guide]

Alexander Skarsgard did a questionable drunken dance that should make Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs a little jealous. Also, what in the back-alley-dorm-room-hell is that apartment? [dlisted]

Brody Jenner or Avril Lavigne? I'm not entirely sure which one is gaining the most out of this "relationship," but I can say that's a set of STD's to be reckoned with. [People]

Danielle Staub continues to pretend to be a lesbian for publicity, kinda like Lindsay Lohan did, just with more sagging flesh and terrible boobs. [In Touch Weekly]

Lebron James announced his decision to play with the Miami Heat last night. The announcement was just as ridiculous as an hour long program to announce a stupid decision could have been. [BWE]

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Happy Nightmares!

2010-07-08T22:55:00.000-04:00

This is 14 month old Kangkang, a Chinese baby with a very rare transverse facial cleft. In other words, his birth defect makes him look like he's wearing a mask. This fills me with the sadbears because doctors aren't entirely sure how to go about with reconstructive surgery.

At the same time, I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight, unless the lights are on, and I'm watching a video on puppies, and also this video is erased from my brain by a severely risky and unnecessary lobotomy.

Video after the break...

[via Buzzfeed]

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I Guess Robots Aren't All That Bad??

2010-07-08T15:53:00.000-04:00

Friendships, I know what you're thinking. Normally when I discuss robots on here, it's to point out all the many, many, many ways in which they are developing the necessary skills and intelligence to trick us into a false sense of security while they begin harvesting us for energy. Not Matrix style. Those movies don't make sense. I'm talking about eating us and pooping out the remains. Probably bones and piercings.

This "Beer-bot" though, now this is something I could get behind. Far behind obvs. This cicada-faced Johnny-5 was created to run a Beer Me program that the user can interface with via a computer. After selecting whatever beer they'd like from their choices, the robot goes to work - opening the fridge, selecting the beer, placing the beer ever so delicately into it's holsters, closing the fridge that's my favorite part, and then meeting up with a flesh sack at a pre-selected location.

The only part that weirds me out though, is the stipulations it has when releasing a beer. Check out the video after the jump to see what I mean.

Yeah, that's right. You're forced to look it right in its soulless demon eyes before it releases its cold, crushing mechanical grip on your delicious bev. What if something goes wrong and it doesn't recognize your face?! What if it thinks your face is a beer? What if it wants to shut you like it did the door on the fridge? We're doomed.

[via Engadget]

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THE FOOLHARDY MANOR: FAT HIPSTERS

2010-07-08T13:59:00.000-04:00

The Foolhardy Manor, the comedy group I belong to, has a new video out. It's called Fat Hipsters and it was shot on location. That's right friendships, we spent an entire day in Brooklyn to make this video. It was a bizarre and other worldly experience. Similar to how you might feel after eating leftover Taco Bell right outta your fridge who really ever has leftover taco bell though?

Anyway, see what it's like to live in the upper echelon of those on the cutting edge of cool. See what it's like for someone to put away those skinny jeans and replace them with a XXL pair of sweatpants. See what it's like to EAT... video after the jump!

Check out more on our group at our website, TheFoolhardyManor.com and definitely friend us on facebook!

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Craigslist is Great and All, Especially for Hookups and Serial Killers, but...

2010-07-08T11:29:00.001-04:00

Ummm.... this is a what now?!

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Let's Meet the Disasters of The Real Housewives of DC

2010-07-07T22:55:00.000-04:00

August 5th, 2010... D.C. Day. That's right, The Real Housewives is coming to our nation's capitol in an attempt to teach the younger generations that Washington D.C. doesn't stand for District of Columbia anymore... it now stands for Dumb C-words*. So, let's just get right into it and meet these dumb c-words.

Catherine Ommanney - Obviously, with this show taking place in our nation's back yard, you expect it to be super patriotic and full of people really at the forefront of the political society. So naturally, this first woman is British. I can just hear the Bravo Execs high-fiving each other over this casting decision while Bravo-Andy feverishly h-jays himself listening to her accent.

Anyway, Catherine used to live in London, then moved to D.C. and is probably the bitchy one because she's described as "no-nonsense" which is PR speak bitch. She also has a book coming out called Full Inbox and from what I've read about it I've read nothing about it kinda sounds like she might('ve) be(en) a slut. Basically, she sounds pretty generic minus the accent, so she's my current least favorite.

Michaele Salahi - Yep, it's her. If it wasn't for the fact that Catherine sounds exactly like half the cast members of every Housewives show, this trampsidaisy would be bottom of the barrel. Plus, I give her a little credit for being dumb enough to crash a presidential party as if she was Danielle Staub crashing the Brownstone.

With that being said, she doesn't got much going for her. She "helped" her moron husband start America's Polo Cup and through that they've met a bunch of political figures. They also own a vineyard. Of course. And then there's this line... "A family girl at heart, Michaele loves spending time at the family vineyard with her stable of horses and beloved dog Rio." [ed. note: bolds added by me] Because if there's one thing that screams "family" it's the smell of horse sh*t and dog breath!

Final (much more glamorous) three ladies after the jump. Plus a preview of the upcoming season!

Stacie Scott Turner - I have a feeling that Stacie is either going to turn out to be the nice one as if that's a compliment when being compared to harpies or she's going to be the boring one. Which, essentially, is the exact same thing meaning she'll barely getting any air time and will probably fade in obscurity.

She's got kids or something and a charity. They all have charities. Charities are what make the rich ha! think they are normal people with normal jobs. I've noticed in reading the bios of these ladies that none of them seem to actually have careers other than socializing and being terrible.

And as you can tell, there's nothing to even discuss about Stacie. Hope you had fun because by the next sentence you're already going to forget she's in the cast.

Mary Schmidt Amons - Now here's what I'm talking about! A pure blood. Just read this... "As a second generation Washingtonian, Mary spent summers at the Kennedy residences as a child, and is the granddaughter of legendary radio and TV personality Arthur Godfrey." ENTITLED! This is the type of beauty that deserves to be on this show. Someone from true American royalty. Move over other three women I already forgot, the queen is here.

Plus, she's got five kids, has been married for 20 years I give it til the end of the season before divorce rumors start, and several charities. THE CHARITIES! This best not be what this show ends up being about, unless it's a big competition between them all.

Lynda Erkiletian - GLA-MORE PLEASE! I don't even know where to begin. That name! That hair! That FACE! Face! Face! I give face! Beauty! Face! Lordy, it's like staring into visage of an exploding hydrogen bomb that had just struck a silicon factory.

Lynda only gets better. Not only does she appear to be the only one with an actual career - founding and running T.H.E Artist Agency, some modeling agency in D.C. - but she's also a divorced mother of four that's now currently dating a "much younger boyfriend." Boyfriend's name? EBONG!! I'm dying right now. I can't decide if I'm more excited over the prospect of Ebong being younger than some of her children, or over the fact that Ebong's name is EBONG!!!! Lynda and Ebong Erkiletian. The alphabet just went into cardiac arrest.

------------

And that's that. By my survey of the damage, we've got two glamorpussywillows, two boringbettys, and one hanger-on that won't be satisfied until she's got all of Washington pinned down by her sheer stupidity. Needless to say, I can't wait.

Who's your favorite?! And who can't you wait to see get ripped to shreds by Lyyyyyyynda!?

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THANK YOU INTERNET: Super Mario Bros. on a Sidewalk

2010-07-07T16:10:00.002-04:00

I don't have the slightest idea of how this witchcraft was created, other than by the use of witchcraft. So, whilst I hunt around my bedroom for whatever it is that you kill witches with bedknobs and broomsticks and warm woolen mittens? you just enjoy this amazing video of Super Mario Bros. being magic'ed onto a cement sidewalk.

It pisses me off that they just run through the levels. This isn't a speedthrough! /nerd

[via Gizmodo]

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HERO OF THE DAY: Judge Marsha Revel

2010-07-07T14:41:00.001-04:00

Yesterday evening, just before 6:30pm EST, this woman, Judge Marsha Revel, sentenced Lindsay Lohan to 90 days in jail, immediately followed by a 90 inpatient substance abuse program, to undergo random drug testing, continuation of her SCRAM bracelet monitoring, and she has to turn herself in by July 20th.

Let's all take a moment...

...

Now that we've all had a hot srsly, it's so hot outside minute and regained our composure from spit-taking our lunchtime Doubliciouses all over our compy screens, let's take another minute to stand up and give a round of applause to this liquid-eyeliner goddess. She deserves it.

Having watched the livefeed of Lilo's court hearing, I couldn't help but fall in love with Judge Revel. She was super calm and collected the entire time, even when the walking brain-hemorrhage that was the director of substance and alcohol abuse clinic Lilo was attending was on the stand and saying everything in her power to make sure everyone knows that she lives on a steady diet of paint chips and vinyl siding.

Judge Revel was even patient when Lindsay's lawyer, the impeccably dressed Shawn Chapman Holley was doing her darndest to come up with something to cover for the fact that Lindsay basically said "screw you" to the whole situation. And Judge Revel was even very kind and appreciative when Lindsay tried to address the court with her fake tears streaming down her platypus mouth which you can conveniently watch here.

And Queen Judge Revel even remained the classy and eye-glamorous lady that she is when throwing each and every book in arms reach at Lindsay. It was absolutely magnificent. Like when one of your friends would go off on their dog while you were playing video games in their living room because the dog is super old and smells like stale milk and won't stop sniffing your other friend's crotch. The dog knows better, it just doesn't listen. So you take it down a few pegs for not paying attention. Lindsay is that stale milk.

P.S. - If this picture doesn't show you Judge Revel made the right choice... and I'm not even talking about the vulgar, inappropriate, and immature color of those nails...

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