I Matt My Pants

9/02/10 DAY! Let's Celebrate! Yay Us! So Dumb!

2010-09-02T17:44:00.000-04:00

In honor of this day that is only relevant because of a 1990's era show about slutty teenagers that I was never able to watch because my parents had morals and raised their children with love and spankings, I felt it was only appropriate to showcase some of my favorite images from from another show with the same title, only more recent, more melodramatic, and with much less Tori Spelling.

The new 90210 is a show that is perfect in every way. A show that just can't be real for many reasons, yet is completely and undeniably something that continues to be on television it's on The CW. And for that, I love it. I truly love it. I love it so much I want to marry it. Because that is what you do when you love things that much. Unless you're gay of course. Awkward ZING on all the homosexuals out there! Whaaaa?

Without further taboo, won't you please take a moment and enjoy some of 90210's... stuff:

the only thing about Annie I've ever enjoyed.

I forgot he was even on the show.

Perfect.

I didn't think they could make Annie more annoying.

neither did she...

duhhhhhhh

this happened.

and so did this. oh Rumer.

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PICTURE PERFECT: "Need Help?"

2010-09-02T13:36:00.000-04:00

As seen today at work by a coworker of mine. Not only is the sign misleading, as there is no one there to ask for help, but the obvious and bigger problem at large is - the sign says "Ask me." yet there are TWO chairs there. "Ask us!" is more like it... GAWWWWWSHHHHUUUUHHH...

Thanks coworker.

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WANT

2010-09-01T23:51:00.000-04:00

Actual working prototype of the Back to the Future shoes?! And with cool LED lights in the tongue?! And the ability to allow me never to have to tie my own shoes ever again my single least favorite part of wearing shoes?! These shoes are made of angel dreams and Otter Pops. If these really become a thing, and they just might, I may think about giving up on my lifelong personal ban of wearing shoes that don't fasten with velcro or slip on.

Now if someone could just work on inventing pantsless pants. I don't really know what those are, but hot darn-it do I hate wearing pants.

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LAZERS!

2010-08-30T11:38:00.000-04:00

Good morning!

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LIVEBLOG: THE 62ND PRIMETIME EMMY AWARDS

2010-08-29T19:50:00.001-04:00

So, these are happening tonight. Hosted by Jimmy Fallon and giving awards out to all of our favorite shows - 30 Rock, Mad Men, and some others. New comers like Glee and Modern Family are other heavy favorites this year and though they aren't going to win because Jeremy Piven and Two and a Half Men already called dibs on those awards. So... welcome to the club. This club is for losers.

Anyway, this thing is gonna start off at 8:00 PM Eastern Time and will go until I fall asleep from a Kraft Mac & Cheese and cheap wine coma or... it ends. Since it's never going to end, you can bet I'll be passing out. See you soon!

<p>&amp;lt;a href="http://www.coveritlive.com/mobile.php/option=com_mobile/task=viewaltcast/altcast_code=834ae34358" &amp;gt;62nd Emmys Sleep Attack&amp;lt;/a&amp;gt;</p>

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C-C-C-Cold Hearted... GRRRRRREAT!

2010-08-29T19:07:00.000-04:00

Dear friendships,

Let me tell you a brief story. The first song that I can ever remember hearing on the radio was Paula Abdul's Cold Hearted. I can remember sitting in the back of my parent's grey Ford Aerostar, along with my younger brother and sister, singing along to the pop-tune as if I knew what all the words in the song meant. I still do not know what all the words in the song mean.

As my parents were fairly young when they had me, they were still pretty tuned into the world of pop culture during the greatest decade to ever pass and thus listening to a Paula Abdul song at the time was pretty common place in my family.

As such, this song holds a very special place in my heart and has become something of a legend in my family. Cold Hearted forever lives as the first time I was fully enveloped in the loving, ridiculous, and often times a bit special arms of pop culture. And because of that, I owe this song a lot.

Now, I present you a new version by some chick named Kat Graham whoever that is that may or may not be a cast member on Vampire Diaries whatever that is. I can say that as far as remakes of my favorite songs of all time go, I give this one my blessing whatever that means and have already got it on my iPod.

I hope you enjoy it as well. It's everything a remake of a deliciously 80s awesomeness should be. Now, I'm going to go call my mom and ask her what my parents did with our old van, find a Cold Hearted cassette in Paula's trash you know she's burning through those like it's her Idol contract and seeing if I can fit in a super unsafe child's car-seat from the 80s. Meeeeeemories.

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GLAMOR ALERT: Prince Poppycock

2010-08-25T23:04:00.000-04:00

Prince Poppycock as seen performing Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody on last night's episode of America's Got Talent. GU-LAM-MOOOORE!

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MY HOME STATE PRESENTS: Buckeye Bed Intruder!

2010-08-25T22:50:00.001-04:00

When an internet sensation happens, it's usually pretty THE NEXT BREATH that there are copycats out and about trying to ride the 15-minute fame wave back to the nearest blog beach in hopes for a viral surf. BEACH THEMES! It's the end of summer.

Just youtube anything that you've ever seen on the internet and you will find some~~idiot~~one copying whatever it is that you've searched for. It's like anti-survival of the worstest.

Rarely though, do you find a copy cat news story. First, there was Antoine Dodson and everything famous that he brought about. And then, an Ohio news station ran a story about another bed intruder out of Canton!

Though definitely not nearly as flamboyantly... ... ... protective... ... ... as Antoine "And Hide Your Husbands" Dodson, you can definitely hear a nice groove coming from the reporter and this Salon Selectives Model above! Kyra Zemlanski is the victims' neighbor and she sure had some great advice, "I probably would run as fast as I could and call 9-1-1." That's fast.

Even more hidja kids, hidja wife, hidja kids, hidja wife, hidja kids, hidja wife about this story though, is just who this bed intruder is and what he did while intruding! Check out the video and some more I was attacked by some idiot in the projects after the jump!

Michael Phillips stole a can of noodles and cigarettes before getting in bed, which probably seems weird to some, but I know for a fact that MPhils was just being prepared. After he got done rapin' erebody out here he wanted to be able to have a cigarette and a quick meal. SMART THINKING! Who isn't hungry after rapin' erebody out here?

And to top this all off - almost as a throwaway statement - the news anchor dude said that Phillips "identified himself as a ninja and that he knew mixed martial arts." HE WAS A NINJA!? Then how did he get caught!? This is not the best ninja I've ever heard of. Ninja's don't get caught. They get blades out and kill. I think Michael Phillips was lying about his ninja-ability.

And finally...

duh...

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Things I Don't Want to Be Near: Fire Tornadoes

2010-08-25T19:58:00.003-04:00

Alternate Title: Things I Thought Only Happened When I Played RPGs. No, but seriously. What is this? How in the Gandalf-the-Grey-Hell did this happen? I know nature does some pretty funky stuff now and again but this! This is like catching a glimpse of Mother Nature's fire crotch she's a brunette right now, but no one ever dyes the carpets when she steps out of God's shower.

I'm not even sure how this happens, even though it's completely explained how it happens in the short video of the hell tower after the break. It happened in Brazil, which is South of the border - so my 'fire crotch' statement still stands that barely makes sense! and hopefully Em-Naytch keeps her legs closed from now on.

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ANIMALS ARE BETTER THAN PEOPLE: Baby Horse Plays With Giant Green Ball

2010-08-25T09:57:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, there is too much. And then there's just too much. That too much is happening in the video above. This little horsey is just like my dog playing with a ball in the yard! Just exactly like my dog! Minus the constant fear I had while watching that his spindly little knobbed knees were gonna crankle in all the worst possible ways every time he jumped at the ball. Those legs! They must be so fragile. Like a toothpick/styrofoam model of a molecule.

[via buzzfeed]

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It's National Waffle Day?! CRAP! I Need To Make Myself Some Waffles

2010-08-24T20:11:00.001-04:00

Sarah Walker over at Best Week Ever was kind enough to post about the ~~never known~~ oft forgotten holiday of National Waffle Day! Quite literally a day that was set aside by President William Howard Taft that's the fat one to commemorate the day he got unstuck from his bathtub. None of that is true except for the fat part. And since not as many of us are getting stuck in our bathtubs, we don't have as much time to ponder about ~~never known~~ oft forgotten holidays and therefor, National Waffle Day is often ~~never known~~ oft forgotten.

But, since I ~~learned~~ remembered that today is National Waffle Day, a day of waffle remembrance, I rushed home from work to make myself a dinner rich in our nation's waffley heritage.

Behold, the Buffalo Chicken Waffles...

This delicious combo features some chicken breast that was pretty much soaked back to life in Frank's Red Hot Sauce then baked until it's dead again. Then, I placed that chicken on top of a savory blue cheese and cheddar waffle to help balance out the whatever chefs talk about when they talk about balancing food flavors. Pretentious jerks, those chefs. Then for the hell of it, I slathered more Frank's and blue cheese all over the dish for extra whatever. They were fatty approved!

Check out one more glamor shot after the jump!

P.S. - I was basically a week early when I "celebrated" it last week.

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So This is a Dream I Had Last Night...

2010-08-24T17:45:00.000-04:00

...that's all.

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THE FOOLHARDY MANOR: De Niro's Balloon

2010-08-24T10:56:00.000-04:00

The comedy group I'm part of made this video. You should watch this video. It's about Robert De Niro, one of America's greatest actors. And also one of America's greatest actors that cries funny in movies that he's acting in.

Check out thefoolhardymanor.com for more jazz on the group!

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WHEN THE ESS DID THIS HAPPEN!?

2010-08-23T16:33:00.000-04:00

DIVORCE?! Where in the far-left-sliced-shot-hell did this come from? You guys! Seriously! You guys! What?!

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Grilled Cheese Burger Melt

2010-08-23T14:32:00.001-04:00

I was in a wedding this weekend in strange land, tucked away in the vast hills of New York state, where the rivers flow freely through the valley and where glass was invented. It was awesome. Both the wedding and the town.

awfully sloppy plating technique, Friendly's waitress Kelsey...

After an exhausting few days though, it was time to travel back to... New Jersey to get back to the real world. On the drive home, my friends and I decided to stop at a Friendly's for lunch. Friendly's: Where Ice Cream Makes the Meal. And also your diabetes. I was really hungry to try the caloric bomb known as the Grilled Cheese Burger Melt. So I ordered it because filling my gullet on wedding food and free booze all weekend hadn't given me exploder-butt yet.

Though, what arrived didn't look as classy as I'd hoped nor even remotely close to the image in the menu I dug in anyway hoping the two of my favorite foods combined into one cholesterol suicide item might trump its poor presentation.

So, was it all worth it!?! You bet... it's something you'll have to read after the jump to find out the results.

close up of melty action

After several bites I had already reached my conclusion. It was decent. All the components were good enough, the burger being moist and tasty, the toppings being present, and the grilled cheese (x2) being crispy around the crust area and just a little soft near the middle where the moisture from the cheese had soggied it up so that if you held one of them from the edges it would droop in the middle - just how I like them. But... well, it was just dull.

The problem came not from the parts, but from the whole. It was just kind of boring. The "HOLY-EFF-I'M-EATING-MY-ARTERIES-CLOGGED" feeling wasn't even there. It was basically a letdown.

After the realization that the instant heart-attack factor was missing, it was really just like eating a regular plain jane cheeseburger from a regular plain jane eating establishment with the regular plain jane too much bread.

Needless to say, I still ate it. All of it. Including the french fries. And some of the french fries of one of my friends. And several bites of ice cream as well - because ice cream makes the meal c/o Friendly's beetus division. So it wasn't a total fatty-wash. But, asked if I'd ever get it again, I would say no. But would definitely eat it again if there was one sitting in front of me. Free of charge. And it was slathered in ice cream.

P.S. - This was also at the restaurant. Sadface.

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It Was a Great Weekend. Also, This Birthday Cat is Great.

2010-08-23T11:15:00.001-04:00

What is this?

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Cats Are Evil

2010-08-17T22:45:00.001-04:00

This video just made me laugh. It was a stressful day over in the ol' I Matt My Pants dungeon today and obviously it was an overweight cat video from the internet that brightened the day. Thanks overweight cat video from the internet, without you I'd still be filling my gullet with this obviously it's a beer. I was filling my gullet with depression beer - the best kind of beer.

Hope you enjoy this overweight cat video from the internet.

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I'm Still Here Trailer

2010-08-17T10:31:00.000-04:00

Ummmm...

Joaquin Phoenix looks my Uncle Bob if my Uncle Bob stopped showering and/or caring for his life for an entire year. Maybe that's the point of I'm Still Here? A movie about your famous Uncle Bob as he has his fake midlife crisis while his friend and brother-of-someone-else-famous documents it for a fake documentary that became a real documentary.

THIS MOVIE LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING I DON'T CARE ABOUT! And I'm already hating everyone that is excited to see it. HATING. Thanks Casey Affleck, glad you were able to get this made between sexually harassing all the women on your production team. Three cheers.

GROSS CASEY AFFLECK x 3

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Monday!

2010-08-16T11:14:00.001-04:00

There is nothing even that interesting about the following news story but I didn't want to talk about the Tila Tequila/Juggalos incident because it's just gross. Tila Tequila is gross. The Juggalos are gross. The video of Tila performing is gross. And the idea that someone Juggalos threw a watermelon that had been fermenting in urine and feces is even grosser. Juggalos! Stop being so gross!

So friendships, let's get that gross out of our mind with this cute video of goats eating blackberries around the cell towers of Cricket Wireless. Goats aren't gross. They are cute. Especially when they are using their eating for good instead of evil.

Video after the break. Also, do you have any other cuteness that you want to share? Leave it in the comments. And/or what'd you think of Mad Men last night? PEGGY! Right!? And don't get me started, don't even get me started on Don's new secretary. More like secr-MARRY ME NOW!

[via engadget]

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I Don't Hate You Because You're Fat, You're Fat Because I Hate You

2010-08-15T21:42:00.001-04:00

If you're following me on twitter you should be following me on twitter then you are probs aware that I made myself waffles today. They were delicious that last tweet should say "best" not "beat" I've got the finger stupids. Not wanting to waste any of the waffles it's my American Indian heritage speaking - that's probably not a joke I tried to think up something fun and delectable to do with them. And I did. Submitted for the approval of the binge-night society, I call this food creation:

WAFFLE NACHOS!

Three more glamor shots and a brief description after the break...

These puppets were ZAMAZINGZ! Three z's makes it thrize as good! They were super easy and pretty much the best thing I've ever made. HYPERPLATEY.

All they were made of was:

waffles
chopped onion
chopped red pepper (fresh from my parents' garden in OHIO!)
corn (sliced right off the cob from my parents' garden in OHIO!)
salsa from Target
shredded chedder-jack cheese
jalapenos from a jar
sour cream!

Cover waffles with everything but the sour cream. Bake at whatever time for however long you want. I did 350 degrees for 15 mins. Take out of oven, slaaaaather with natures milk. Sour Cream. If you don't have relatives in Ohio, I'm sure you can use onion powder and popcorn as substitutes.

Sorry I didn't plate this better, but you're no Top Chef yourself.

These pictures make me sad. It's only a matter of time before I see the corn kernels again. YUMS!

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HEY YOU GUUUUUYS!

2010-08-15T18:32:00.000-04:00

This shirt you guys. This shirt.

thanks @whatthekeck for this beauty

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The Best Picture of Rachael Ray You Will See Today

2010-08-14T19:15:00.000-04:00

This picture (which was brought to my attention by the incredible @Semper_Fly totally worth the follow) of daytime and Food Network star Rachael Ray seemingly really enjoying a pleasant day at a beach somewhere contains two truly fantastic images that might not be noticeable at first glance. What might they be? Welp, let's find out after the break...

First: Rachael's super excited face! Look at them chompers all ready to enjoy whatever 30-Minute Meal she's got coming!

HUNGAREEEEEEEEE...

And secondly, and obviously most best! THIS DUDE!

That chain link fence won't keep him from being a creeper!

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Sometimes Commercials are Commercials, Other Times, Commercials are LAUGH FACTORIES.

2010-08-14T16:53:00.000-04:00

It doesn't really matter where you stand on the obviously savage battle between Subway subs and Quiznos subs, because you can only choose one side in the battle of the chain sandwich places and you must adamantly defend one sandwich place while being beyond disgusted with people that frequent your enemy sandwitch establishment.

It doesn't really matter because this commercial is better than both of them. Sure, it is a Quiznos commercial but Quiznos bread is so crusty I have to bring along gauze to pack in my mouth to prevent my gums from bleeding out. This commercial pokes fun at the obvious lack of meat that Subway sandies have which basically leaves you with a bread and sweet onion sauce slick that just slides down your throat.

It doesn't really matter because this commercial is a commercial I have watched 17 times.

[DEVOUR via @risekevin]

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Parents With Turtles on Their Baby Are the Best Parents

2010-08-14T13:44:00.001-04:00

This is a video of a little baby laying down as a turtle crawls over her while presumably her father tapes it and laughs. Assuming that the father is the owner of the turtle, I would imagine that he knows the hazards of owning our shelled-reptilian friends. Namely salmonella. To further express my point... I've written the following song. First, open this in a new window and then sing along don't act like you don't already know how it goes.

Wake up in the morning feeling like a baby.
(Hey, you baby)
Grab my bottle, roll on the floor, things 'bout to get real shaddy.
(gon' cry)
Before a wee, chew on my gums as a matter of fact.
Cuz I got a bunch of teeth growin' in the back.

But now there's a strange smell in my nose, nose.
I can't make the right pose, pose.
The f***? This really blows, blows.
Cuz there is something on top of me, me.
Preventing me from mov-ing,
And it is kind of slimy...

Ew! Gross! What the f***?
I cannot get this thing off.
No way, not okay.
Please make it go away.
TUR-TLE, I hate you.
And def' my parents too. Oh!

Oh-we-oh-we-oh-oh
Oh-we-oh-we-oh-oh

Ew! Gross! What the f***?
I cannot get this thing off.
No way, not okay.
Please make it go away.
TUR-TLE, I hate you.
And def' my parents too. Oh!

Oh-we-oh-we-oh-oh
Oh-we-oh-we-oh-oh

Ain't got a care in the world, 'xcept this turtle on me.
Ain't able to move it off myself, because I'm just a baby.
Now I'm really getting mad because my daddy is laughing
But he won't be giggling soon when he sees what I'm crapping.

You should know the dif between right and wrong, wrong.
Don't wanna have to sing this song, song.
I'm surprised the viewer can't see a bong, bong.

Now, now if you don't listen to what I say, say
There's gonna be hell to pay, pay.
Gonna be hell to pay, pay,
Gonna be hell to...

Ew! Gross! What the f***?
I cannot get this thing off.
No way, not okay.
Please make it go away.
TUR-TLE, I hate you.
And def' my parents too. Oh!

Oh-we-oh-we-oh-oh
Oh-we-oh-we-oh-oh

Ew! Gross! What the f***?
I cannot get this thing off.
No way, not okay.
Please make it go away.
TUR-TLE, I hate you.
And def' my parents too. Oh!

Oh-we-oh-we-oh-oh
Oh-we-oh-we-oh-oh

(Daddy) You woke me up.
Turtle pin'd me down.
I'm gonna get,
Salmonella omg don't click

You woke me up.
Turtle pin'd me down.
I'm gonna get,
Salmonella much cuter

Daddy pick me up.
Please pick me up.
Please pick me up, up, up, up, up, up, up.

You'll regret it when there's blood in my stool.

Ew! Gross! What the f***?
I cannot get this thing off.
No way, not okay.
Please make it go away.
TUR-TLE, I hate you.
And def' my parents too. Oh!

Oh-we-oh-we-oh-oh
Oh-we-oh-we-oh-oh

Ew! Gross! What the f***?
I cannot get this thing off.
No way, not okay.
Please make it go away.
TUR-TLE, I hate you.
And def' my parents too. Oh!

Oh-we-oh-we-oh-oh
Oh-we-oh-we-oh-oh

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PICTURE PERFECT: Jersey Shore Sticker Activity Book

2010-08-13T13:02:00.001-04:00

I am very curious to know who the parents are and more specifically, what they look like, that are purchasing this for their children. I think I am going to refrain from guessing because there are only so many synonyms for the word BEST that I can find 49 if you count informal usage, I always count informal usage.

I'm two episodes behind on this season watching them in point five! so I can only assume that in those two episodes the entire cast of Jersey Shore has decided their hard partying ways, borderline alcoholism, proooooobable drug use, horrific sexual exxxploits, and overall supreme lack of intelligence was something they wanted to leave behind and are thus now all sober, going to classes at the local learning annex, and attending church each Sunday.

That is the only reason why any parent, ANY SINGLE PARENT ON THIS EARTH, with a partially functioning brain stem would purchase a sticker activity book that "includes a G.T.L. calendar!" and has the tagline "tons of fist-pumping fun!" Also, I purchased this for my children*. [*children = self]

A pic of the stickers after the break. "Pure Creep Mode"??? Barf.

thanks Ashley!

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