xniquet's middle finger technology

Day 115:Mortem

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Thu, 03 Apr 2014 02:46:00 +0000

It seems that you are the one who left me all alone in this world then why am I the one who feels like I am dying?

Day 13

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Sat, 30 Nov 2013 14:17:00 +0000

I have had too many beginnings that starts off as a bliss but the endings are often a blister.

Day 10

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Wed, 27 Nov 2013 14:12:00 +0000

Chemo -First session - Road block - Get blood sodium up - Before proceeding.

Day 9

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Tue, 26 Nov 2013 14:44:00 +0000

When someone you love is terminally ill, you don’t look towards the future; you don’t plan ahead; you don’t wonder what is next; you don’t even utter a single thing that you have in store.

You vision is limited to what is right here, right now.

And all you do is just live every single minute and second of the current moment; squeezing the current moment to its very last drop.

Making sure every second that passes is well spent.

Day 7

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Sun, 24 Nov 2013 13:27:00 +0000

I shouted at the guy who didn't turn on his signal lights when he made a turn.

I screamed at the waiter who brought me a glass of coke with ice when I specifically said no ice.

I yelled at my neighbor’s kids for running around and making loud noises.

I am in a relationship with anger today.

Everything and anything that comes near me just seems to get on my nerves.

Every fucking thing ticks me off.

Red.

Fire.

Heat.

Steam.

Anger.

Anger is what I feel.

Anger is what I am today.

Day 5

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Fri, 22 Nov 2013 14:00:00 +0000

When I was younger, I had a nightmare that both my parents were dead and I was left all alone.

I woke up letting out a great sign of relief, even though it was just a dream, it made me realized how important they are to me.

My life is whole.

I woke up this morning, realizing that I am about to live that horrid nightmare

… and there isn’t going to be a nightmare to wake up from this time.

My life is about to be undone.

Day 4

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Thu, 21 Nov 2013 15:13:00 +0000

Christmas, Christmas, Christmas

… has always been a holiday that calms me and gives me inner peace. Knowing that the year is almost ended and I’ve survived another year and will be looking forward to another year ahead.

Yet this year, it feels like a stab to the heart. The carols playing… the adverts on that’s airing, the decoration and ever the prints on the latest Starbucks card are like salt rubbing on this wounded heart of mine.

It’s so fucking hard

… knowing that this is going to be the last Christmas we will ever spent together.

Day 2

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Tue, 19 Nov 2013 15:19:00 +0000

Facebook

Would you all just read my Facebook status and quit asking me question!

There is a reason why I televised it on Facebook!

I know it is out of concern but every time I explained to you what happened …

It is like re-living the horrid moment when I first got the news...

Please spare me and agony and just read the status.

Day 1

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Mon, 18 Nov 2013 14:59:00 +0000

Stage four.
Six months.
I cried.

Not yet.
Given up.
Will fight.

Hope pray
a miracle.
Take form.

If not.
Six months.
Will be.

The best.
I will.
Ever give.

My Hiding Place

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Wed, 30 Oct 2013 14:29:00 +0000

I bury my head in the ground to shield from the fear of how this would end; yet I still hear thy horn section playing, trumpets are calling to me that I should just go ahead and accept that this is my fate.

How did you find my hiding place?

When I’ve attempt to lock myself in the shadow far away from every change. No I will never going to let it in again, never again.

I wandered the night, aimlessly, trying to find a tinge of purpose, reason, or even a sign that would validate this pain, yet it all comes back to this…

How did you find my hiding place?

When I’ve attempt to lock myself in the shadow far away from every change. Alone running, fleeing and hiding in the shadows, trying to get away from every ounce of your grace.

I’m trying so hard not to let it in, I’m not letting you in, yet you still remain.

How did you find my hiding place?

Happy New Year

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Mon, 31 Dec 2012 11:38:00 +0000

Listening to : PJ Harvey - Missed

…they’ll say but what is so fucking special about it?

+1 to last year; it is nothing but a change of calendar on your wall which requires you to spare some couch time to do so; yeah, maybe this is the best time to write your landlord an out of date check for the rental hoping that he doesn't notice, but it will still come back and snap you in the ass.

Why ever be happy and jolly?

When the gut hanging on your belly that you are trying desperately lose still mocks you every fucking time you look at the mirror.

You can fucking smile but that smile on your face still doesn't makes you any prettier on New Year’s Day.

Unlike Pinocchio, your girlfriend’s fake ass titties don’t turn real.

No your penis size doesn't grow according to its age in fact it is quite the opposite, the moment you took your hand and started milking your dick.

No, your outstanding bills don’t pay itself.

Your fucking credit cards do not get clean slate

Your job feels shittier than ever and you find yourself stranded in your 2x2 cubicle spacing out and yearning for those same fucking holidays you did last year.

And if the 1^st of January falls on a Tuesday, congratulations, you just earned yourself two Monday blues in a week.

Fucking great start of the New Year huh?

New Year doesn’t make you more lovable and it doesn’t change the fact that your wife cheated on you with me. You can fucking argue that she is over me and yeah, I am over her too but not forgetting I was also inside her too.

And no, New Years doesn’t raise the dead.

What’s dead stays dead

I don’t blame you for drinking your way to the New Year because maybe a little temporary amnesia is what we all need but just remember when you wake up the next morning feeling like your head has just been hit by a jack hammer, all the yester-years’ shit still got you by the balls and it is just going to fucking get worse until you finally drown in that shit.

So…

Happy 2013, here’s to another year filled with mixed baskets of Sandy disasters, trigger happy looney with a valid credit card on Amazon , sand niggers with C4 clipped to their balls, the tag team rapists express and a bigger butt hole as a result of the government’s constant ass fucking.

The World is Falling Apart

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Thu, 06 Dec 2012 05:31:00 +0000

Listening to : David Usher - Devil by My Side

Yeah, that is what most people are talking about since the world took a downward spirally dip and behold! There were world wars, STDs, Gay porn, genocides, suicide bombing, sex change operation, Sept 11, child molesting and religions. Not sure if I should categorize religion and child molestation together because some twisted religions are more into the child’s hole than the soul. BUTT that isn’t the fucking point here. Is it? I am fucking here to write a fucking doomsayer’s blog post and not about how some religions just want to let the little children to CUMeth unto them.

As I was saying that our world is falling apart and yes, it has been falling apart since a fucking long time and it has not stopped falling apart since. But today, you and I are all fucking standing on the threshold of “falling apart” and “fell apart”. In other words, if the later comes true, we are all fucked.

Is it me or has the whole World Wide Web gone so mellow about the end of the world situation lately. I mean a year ago, every fucking one is like making movies, TV series and even songs about how the fucking world would end this December. But now, all I can see, hear and read are about how awesome this coming X’mas is going to be. Or maybe many have chosen to have voluntary amnesia and completely overlook the fact that X’mas is only 4 days after the fucking world’s end.

Yeah, I know some of you are pissed at the Mayans for taking away, the one element of Life’s surprises - the fucking time of your death. But what can I say, either these motherfuckers knows their shit or they are just brain fucking us all.

To those high and mighty educated people who thinks they are so fucking smart yet needs to use their fucking smart phone like an extension of their limb to google or wiki shit that they claimed to already know. Google me this, are we all going to fucking die this fucking December?

And to those who worked 25 hours a day and 8 days a week just to have that huge ass bungalow with the white picket fences, a brand new shinny car that takes up two park spaces, 99” paper thing LED flat screen and a trophy wife that has big breast with the plastic surgeon’s signature handcrafted nipple on it. I can fucking sense that you are blocking and deleting all stuff relating to how this fucking world is going to end this December.

Either way, we might act and pretend that it is all a hoax and maybe it is really a fucking hoax but come the 11^th hour, we will still be sweating bullets from our balls while our testicles feels like they are stuck in throat while we brace for what is next?

Or will there even be any next?

The Last Blog Post about her Part 4 "readers, I am going to tell you who I really am…"

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 04:16:00 +0000

Fuck technology

Fuck Internet

Fuck social media

Fuck Facebook

Fuck instagram

But most of all fuck me for discovering your pictures on instagram

These days, there are just so many ways to stay connected to a person and yes, there are just as many ways to be haunted by one.

It took me more than 5 years to wipe my slate clean of you but it just took a tap of a finger on the fucking screen to make every shitty feeling that had been purged from me to resurfaced, like a forgotten murdered body washed to shore.

Going through every fucking single slide of picture, detailing every single pixel and reading the caption over and over again, trying to look for a single speck of me in those recent pictures of her and trying to convinced myself that, yeah she is still into me.

But every time I came close, I realized that the person she meant isn't me. It kinda feels like being covered in warm spit, soothing yet disguising. It is not easy going through all the pictures of someone that you thought you got over. The images just scar your mind and make your fucking eyes bleed from the inside out.

I went through your 678 pictures twice, and every smile you had on your face is like a fucking slit on the heart; but somehow I have come to realized that maybe leaving me on the outside is probably for the best. What we had was never rainbows and cinnamon; we had to fucking lie to the world just to be together. For a moment there, I thought we could live in our own world and fuck the world and its fucking existence, be completely immersed in each other but our lies caught up with us and we had to face everyone.

But what you don’t know is that I choose to be the villain; lied to you, broke your fucking heart and sold my soul to the devil, just so that I could take the fall for you.

I was the obnoxious customer sitting on at your counter that turned into your lover and now someone you fucking despite.

It’s been 3 years 65 days and counting, since we last uttered a single word to each other. And not to be an “optimist” but I do foresee that it will not happen anytime soon or very likely we will never speak again. I just have to live with the fact that I am completely severed from who, what and where you are.

But on quiet nights like this, these eyes of mine will never stop its rapid movement, dreaming about the what ifs and might have could have been…

If I could only be your greatest accident and not just a needle wound at the tip of your finger that you could hardly see.

If I could only be the most excruciating pain you feel inside and not a tiny rash at the back of your palm, itch today gone tomorrow.

If I could only be your trusted confidant that you go to and not a faceless prowler that lurks on every single social media you sign in.

If I could only be the head that lay on your breast and not the greatest mistake that hang heavy upon your chest.

Today my dear readers, I am going to tell you who I really am…

I am an apparition who got his heart broken because of a girl

I am the nobody who couldn’t be with the love of his life

I am a pariah who took all the blame for a girl

I am the desolated who is hated by the girl he loves

I am just like the millions out there who just refuses to move on, making the heart a tomb where our affection for that particular someone that we couldn't be with, lay cold and in decay

This blog right here has always been a place for me let out these silence screams;

But this is where it all ends…

FIN.

More Suicide Notes from You (updated 07/04/12)

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 12:37:00 +0000

[to say something / leave a suicide note click here ]

[read on]

" Finally!!!!!!!!! A site with good, bloody cuts! Its like porn for us cutters =3 " - Nobody

"So gay my dad won't let me get out of home school, i'm gonna fucking kill myself! " - Hunter

"Family is falling apart, Sick of the fucking ghetto, I had dreams of getting out and being rich, but there is no chance for that...." That Guy

"Everyone hates me, despite the fact that I live daily trying to please them. Recently even my teacher admitted she hated me. Most of my school doesn't want to come within three feet of me, and one student refuses to call me by anything other than "Satan". I haven't done anything purposefully wrong, I don't understand where exactly my views split from everyone else's, but I can't take it much longer. One of my teachers, and this is just so fucking professional, took my friend out of class and told her to stay away from me because I'm a "negative influence" and she might "do something she regrets". I'm not on any drugs, and I'm not doing badly in school, and I don't know why she despises me. She's not the only one, just the most recent. I was told to kill myself nine times in one week, seven were from people I love. This Negative Influence is waiting until after my aunt's wedding (March 25th, 2012) and then killing herself. I would sooner, but I would hate to make them unhappy. I never tried to hurt anyone but me. To anyone who knows me and reads this: I'm sorry I've been so horrible to you. I'm sorry." - Jesse Sullivan

"Goodbye to those who new me well. I'm sorry it had to be this way. Goodbye to those who never knew me at all. You are truly lucky." Katie

Hey, I was thinking that a more effective way of cutting the wrist, to commit suicide, is this: cutting diagonally across the wrist..

I was imagining its like the pruning of a rose, or tried rose. A gardener knows it's more effective to cut the stem diagonally:

i.e., step #6, "Always prune to a healthy bud. Make sure your cut is at a 45 degree angle going away from the bud."

http://www.weekendgardener.net/how-to/prune-roses.htm

I think this through experience, I am not a cutter but I was hospitalized due to delusions from having bipolar 1 and it's a personal story, but I believe cutting diagonally is the effective way to cut, for the purpose of committing suicide. Please don't post this online. Or the picture I'm attaching. But then maybe it's an alarming clue to these wrist cutters: If you fuck up and cut diagonally by accident, instead of "across the street" then you'll be fucked up dead. You're the first I tell this too. I am scared that I may spread this to others. What do you think?

Should I spread this? I would do this in an effort to bring awareness, that across the road may turn into a diagonal cut and either way, it's a sign of death, internally as well as physically. My wish is to bring awareness and care, I don't know? A change in a culture's perspective of cutters. They cut but the last thing they need is disappointments, pressure, and name calling.

Best regards,

Adriana Adrie Silva

"This blog has made me unashamed of the fact that i cut myself i am no longer afraid of people saying what they want me to do and being dissapoinment at me, now i cut with pride tho the pain i feel will never die i will sooner than it could ever happen" kenneth S D

"I've never been good enough to keep you happy, clearly. 2 years of trying and you've just told me that i've never once made her happy.Pills and hanging never work. so this time i'm jumping. lets see how 30-40 storeys work for me. the rest of you? you don't even matter" Fenn

"Dear xniquet

I'm a 25 year old man from Germany who tried to commit suicide several times. I would like you to give me some hints for cutting my wrist.

At my first try to commit suicide I tried to cut my wrist, but I didn't really know, where the artery is. I thought, if I touch my wrist and feel the pulse, that's where the artery is. Many years later I read, that it's in the middle of the arm. So my first question is: How can I make as sure as possible to not miss the artery?

I learned that it's a burning pain, if you try to kill you this way. So what can I do to minimize the pain?

Which Instrument should I use?

Any additional hints?"

Night Sky

"My real name is D. I don't know how I got here but I guess this journey started when I was young.. Bullying turned into self loathing. After almost 8 attempted Suicide attempts using the drugs valium and oxycotin I got to a point where my body could not take any more. I could no longer supply my attempts so I turned to cutting. It is unknown but certain why and how but this page has gven me a feeling of life and I feel glimpses of happiness on here, I feel pathetic writing this because i doubt anyone who reads it will care. And even if eyes are laid on this text that beholds my dark life I feel that they will be the wrong ones. My existence, to me is uncertain, I don't know weather I'll be alive.. All I want to be is happy. My life beyond this text is an image of a different story.. I just hope you keep my identity hidden, and remember me when gone.. Thank you for I feel like I know you more than o know myself." anonymous

" i never really had an opinion on suicide untill now. i recently just fucked up my life and i need to die."
madeline ramona

"Life has no meaning when you go unnoticed your whole life... I'm ending this misery people find joy in. No one will read this but it will explain to those unaware. I won't miss you nor will you miss me. Farewell hell hole." Stevie

"Fuck you all." Holly

"This website is amazing.thankyou for making it. it really helps me find new ways to harm myself. i hate life and this website is great for me" sadgothgirl

"i love this blog. im on it everyday. :D" Sara

"i just wanna say sorry to anyone who believed in me, i cant live being all but invisible unless a guy wants something. Thanks and bye" The unwanted girl

"I'm not making any self important rants about how much potential i had or how i was abused. Same old story. No more days. Bye. " Will

"I WANT TO DIE!! i Cut And Burn Myself but i don't think i could kill myself because of what it would do to my friends and family.... i just want to die but for no one to care..." Dell"I love everything about your blog. You express your emotions in a very beautiful, deep way. Everything has a sense of desire, love, and hate. You can just feel the pain and sorrow in every post. They are dark, but beautifully amazing. I love them all. You are awesome. Forever human wreckage, Callie." Callie
"I slit my wrist .. When you cause me pain .. I slit the left vain .. You break my heart .. That’s where it starts .. When you pretend To care
Well how do you dare .. It’s just not fair .. So I remain So damn silent See my stain .. It was very violent .. I’m just a shadow .. A part of the past .. A part that could never last .. My trickling blood Is dripping fast .. I hear a thud I just lie and stare .. I cry .. And wonder why .. Why should I be the one to go .." coleen
"It seems that no matter what I do, I can't make him happy at all. He has such a wonderful way with words that every word brings a stinging pain. His insults hurt and yet he loves me so much...Today was suppose to be the perfect day I worked day and night for it to be perfect. I fucked it up...I fucked it up again like I do everyday. Why am I such a screw up? No matter how much I try to make people happy I fuck up their lives. I just wanted to be happy, I just wanted to help. Would my death help them live happier lives? By trying to make others happy I in turn ruined their lives. Im an abomination to this world. There are enough horrible people in this world. No one will miss this one" Natarina"this nigga got yall wanting to kill and starve yall self but i bet you his fat ass aint cutting and starving his self making eveybody who listens to what he says a bunch of asses. YES!!! everbody who listens to this trick ass nigga is an ass hole. Remember that oh and you can email me al leroyia2k@yahoo.com thankyou looking forward to what you have to say........."Shakia
"I don't care about life. I'm pretty messed up. I have an amazing girlfriend i love, but I'm still suicidal. i don't know why. I don't do anything to protect myself from death. I cut even though she hates it. I just want to die, but i don't want to hurt her. Isn't death really just what everyone wants? some just keep it secret." Colin"I hate being alone.i have absolutely no one. id rather be dead and not have to suffer." Katie

"i think your honest down to mother fucking earth and you don't sugar coat the truth, i like you!"
Beckayy"hey, its me again. i just wanted to say thank you and sorry to everyone who ever believed in me or cared for me. thats all. thank you" Dom on x's suicide
"WAKAKAKAKAKAKA you damn 9 stoopid right??? Bush Licker WTF!!!! LOL........."
EB on King of Fucking the Ladies"I hate this fucking world, im a fucking hypocrite, i do things that i say im against, every time i love it just falls to pieces, i dont want anything anymore. ive been depressed for a few years. but it seems like forever. ive been in hospital and death. lol. i just ant die, no matter how much i want it, ive hung myself, ssrwoned myself, slits wrists, overdosed, and i still cannot die. im scared of pain but i keep trying, i dont want to try anymore. i want someone to kill me. ill pay ill beg ill do whatever jus as long as they kill me in the end. i need a gun, itll be easier. none of that head bullcrap, but stragith to the heart, cos thats whats missing and hurts. i dont know. just please anyone if you can get me a gun, or find sum1 cold enought to kill me contact me on dominicacca666@hotmail.com, im begging you. i need it thanks for listening"Dom on x's suicide"Hey, love your blog. I recently started cutting (maybe like, a week ago) with scissors, but it wouldn't break skin all the way even though i pressed down pretty hard and slid. Then i did it with a pretty sharp knife, and still it wouldn't break skin. It just gets brown (I guess the blood beneath the skin?) , and then gets really red."
wtf am i doing wrong, i feel so stupid" steph on How to Slit Your Wrist the Right Way"OMG no Fen way i really have to follow those steps to become anerxic... thank u so much for the steps they r helpin me cope so well its been quite hard ...my parents nd bf dont understand *sigh* if only they were more like u nd me r u sure i cant die from this i mean it does start eatin away ur organs nd malnutrient has proven to kill ppl nd 20% of girls have died of anerxica STUPID STUPID STUPID. FEN RETARD Y DONT U DO UR RESEARCH ND IF UR AN EXPERT ON THIS Y DO U LOOK FAT IN UR PICS. SOO ur basically sayin that ppl r ugly bc of their fat but ur an exception some expert u.... u r a coward u only say that bc u want to bully ppl into thinkin that they r ugly well guess again ur the ugly one bc of how ur sayin it is ok for someone to b anerxic.o nd if u r anerxic i feel sorry for u learn to eat nd learn that it is a mental disease nd get some help u need it either way. thank u for readin this" Wateverbabs on How to be Anorexic"You are a sick person. I've suffered from this disease of depression and suicidal desires. this is exactly why people think that all this shit is ok. its not. you only get the one life you got and telling people how to take it isnt right. i don't know how you sleep at night getting suicide notes all the time. but from having had those moments and knowing how sick a person is to have that desire to not be here, to take themselves away from those who care about them...to be that selfish in a sense....is not alright to promote in anyway. i don't know how you can sleep at night knowing that you are aiding people in killing themselves, and are the encouragement for some in the first place and when you're that low a little bit of that goddam "encouragement" is all a person needs to say..."i'll be outta here in a few days"...i really don't know how you'd be able to sleep at night knowing what you're doing by posting this shit. it's offensive and wrong." Anonymous"i love your site!! X3 i really needed to find new stuff because the saftey pin doesnt do its job anymore. im a wimp when it comes to pain, but i also crave it. ive also decided that suicide is my backup plan to life. if i'm not alive when i'm seventeen you'll know why! thanks again! :D" Rissi on x's suicide"jayson warren.. the boy iv wanted since i was 12... i am now 15 and just been dumped by him. not for the first time either.."Nicola

you. are. awesome. Psymon

Cool shits you have there, I dig ya man. Marcus

nice blog layout...n ur very expressive :D YANz
kinda spooky ur blog theme uhh..haha..serious but i like it.. sixtyoldman o

oh me lord. i really love your blog layout!Faa

"It's stories like this that remind me to appreciate what I have, even when it seems like nothing in life is going right.. it could always be worse. Thank you X, for the awakening. xo" Raivyn on Going Home"please, i want to know how many stories up (you can jump off of) you have to be to reach terminal velocity... won't anyone help me?" jorden laing on the most painless way to commit suicide

"ZOMG IT'S X! :D" Chingy
"very impressive BUT gross. :D" claudine on Icky Art

"r u the 1 who design the holy crap? OMG! u r genius! who on earth could see crap as an art piece, thts y, u r jz 1 of a kind." Anonymous on Icky Art
"You memang pandai buat..I like your posting how to protest peacefully he he he..keep in touch." dog lover on Prollydicks:What to do during election

"Hell yeah. This is such an awesome post, I LOVE IT! Guys, they just do not get it, they really don't. I'm gonna go Digg this and try to get it in front of as many eyeballs as possible." Sheree on How to get into a Hot Girl's Good Book...
"you did a great thing.. thanks for the lesson! but i never got my email." Cynthia Parker on it really works: how to hack Gmail password part 2

"You have a striking blog design! great blog!"technicaldotcom

"Bad bad...bad influence." mlmaestro on how to get laid with unknown women you just met
"love all the post,especially the latest one about demons..im hantu sarong yayy!!"flux
"I wonder where's the REST of your blog entries? A little confusing to navigate through your blog but it would be great to show the rest of your entries. The anorexic post was quite an eyeopener and so are the rest of your suicidal entries." Sixthbane

"Did not want to fuck around with guns and stuff, but now see that Carbon Monx is the way to go! Am going to air proof my garage and get out of here within the next few days. Thanks Again" Glenn Seiler on the most painless way to commit suicide
"Fuck you,you GAY!I hope you get rape by a group of fucking gays!Your fucker!" Evolna
"I have tried with my friend and he can like do it well but this was my first time and stuff. We were on webcam to each other and he was showing me how to do it properly. So I was really scared and stuff but I have finally cut myself for the first time. My scar is pretty cool but I keep on hetting blackouts. By the way I am a girl." Anonymous on How to Slit Your Wrist the Right Way"please stop spreading such destructive material! anorexia has a death toll, and in the name of all the people i love that suffer, have suffered, or have DIED from from this disease, PLEASE SHUT UP" Katharinec on How to be Anorexic
"Oh wheee, i wanna try.. for suicide cuz i'm serious on trying to suicide.. might be fun ya know.. be right backs.. i'll try immediately =)" Suicider on How to Slit Your Wrist the Right Way
"why would you promote something like this when you already have evidence that it may have caused negative consequences? i hope you called that person. suicide is not funny. seriously, what are you thinking?" Katharinec on i am a murderer

[to say something / leave a suicide note click here]

The Last Blog Post... Part 3 - This is the Fear That I Have Rehearsed

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 04:58:00 +0000

that I have rehearsed so many times in my fucking head.

The fear of having to undo, unwind, unbend, uncoil, unfurl, unravel, unreel, unroll, untwine, untwist this buildup feelings that I have for you. Tearing down every inch of my emotive feelings and lingering cravings that my soul yearns for what you have and may become.

This isn't brand new; I am sure you have all heard this giddy love story one too many time.

This homemade love disease that has rendered me crippled; transmitting its baneful touch from my inside out.

But today I choose to never want to feel your claws trying to break through this solitary confinement that keeps me from you.

I know I've done it to myself the day I opened my floodgate and all I feel is you gushing into me.

But how can I still love you when I don’t even dare to love myself?

To be continue in part 4

The Last Blog Post… Part 2 – I am Who I am Because of You

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 14:17:00 +0000

You know I've always whined about how I'm always a big fat softie. How I am always thinking about another person's feeling, so much so that I can't really be myself and most of the time vultures around me just keeps seizing the fucking chance to fuck me up my softie ass.

And I loathe everything that is in me that makes me like that.

It makes me feel weak.

But you showed me that, putting another person's feeling before mine is something good and that it shouldn't be frown upon. It is these sort of action that makes and definite me into a more caring and compassionate individual.

And all these that you have engraved into me has taught me to be a better person and I have you to thank for all my actions whether it is in the past, present or future.

That is why whenever I feel like killing someone for any given reasons; may it be for sports, recreational, game meat or just to prove that I can, I will be more sensitive to my victim's feeling. Killing slowly and letting my victim enjoy the moment as they struggle to breathe or slowly bleed to death.

A swift death will just not do it because I just don't want them to think that I am half ass about killing them. I care about sending them to hell and I would make sure they realized that I have put much effort in making their death as excruciating as possible.

And don't think for a minute there that I never thought of it, because I did. You see, I would never let a person die alone.

Hell no, I won’t. Think about it, how fucking lonely they would get when they crossover.

That is why, I will make sure, I would fucking kill every last person staying under the same roof with my victim.

I am pretty sure that he would feel more at home when he is in the underworld. Heck, if I am in the mood, I might even throw in his favorite 3rd grade teacher or maybe his high school crushes in the mix.

If I have the time I might even check his Facebook to see who are the ones he fancies. You know , just in case, he don't get to Facebook from hell. At least his murderer sent some of his Facebook besties to hell with him.

Yeah, I know. I am such a fucking saint.

Sometimes I just wanna pat myself on the back and tell myself that I am doing such a great work in making this fucked up world a better fucked up world.

I hope you sleep well at nights knowing that …

I am who I am today because of you; you should be so proud of yourself.

to be continue in part 3

The Last Blog Post... Part 1 – Four Letter Word

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 14:40:00 +0000

Fuck, it’s been raining so much these days; I've forgotten how it is to feel dry.

It must been the cold of the evening breeze that has brought the entire gloom of the fucking night right back into this amnesia heart of mine; making my fucking heart bleed like it is some kind of vagina during its menstruation.

Yes, tonight is the night where my spirits is destined to fall like how the sun did tonight.

And the silver screen inside my fucking head keeps repeating the scene where everything we had and were came crumbling down; the part where you twist and turn, then left without even looking back. This cold and quiet night is letting me relive that every moment and split second in stunning high definition.

There were 100 things I could have said to make her stay. Even though 99 of them were just lies to prolong the inevitable and kept that brief moment alive, just so I could have her for little longer to satisfy my male genitalia needs.

But I choose to be a fucking mute as I watch her slip and slide out of my door and out of my fucking life.

You know, that one thing that got us started at the first place was a 4 letter word

And now the one thing that could make her stay was also a 4 letter word

But I’m disgusted with love and what love makes me do.
I can never abide to what Love wants of me.
To me, Love is the filthiest four letter word.
Love fucking ruins everything
So, fuck it.

[long pause]

God, I fucking hate this emotional menstruation that turns my heart into some fucking ladies part that fucking bleeds out.

[longer pause]

I think I am going to go drown myself in some whiskey before I stench of a used overnight maxi-pad.

To be continue in The Last Blog Post part 2

2. The Pain of Waking

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 14:37:00 +0000

I’m standing on this corner of my head where we first met; I’ve got both feet camped in the sleeping bag and I’m not moving.

He kisses her; he goes to work; he drives into the porch; he takes out the thrash; he goes inside; the lights go off.

I’m standing at this very corner, waiting, hoping, wishing that one day she would wake up and find out that she still miss me.

After the honeymoon, they spent three Christmases here; last year they went to Taipei.

I’m still standing on this corner. Rain or shine, I’m standing my ground. Anytime now she will be running out that door and into these arms where she belongs.

I may have been kicked outta her life and purged of everything that was us. At least, I still have this corner inside my head.

I’m still here and this corner of my head is getting cold and empty. I don’t know what am I even doing here anymore. Maybe I just wanted to fuck her in the bed where their wedding portrait hangs, and then leave her feeling guilty the next morning. Wait, been there, done that and I have been found craving for even more.

I don’t get what the fuck she sees in him? He is tall, good looking, rich and caring. I mean I am all of that and probably more but only in reverse.

I am still standing at this very corner, the very corner where we met. It just makes no sense, but what can I do, when I am still in love with you.

Weeks, months, years… I am still standing at this corner

Maybe if I close my eyes and open them again, she would appear in front of me and beg me to take her back.

*close eyes.

*open eyes and look across the empty side of my bed, the radio clock is showing 6:55am.

Gotta be up in 5 minutes.

1. The Pain of Sleeping

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 04:11:00 +0000

3:59 fucking AM and I don’t have no fucking clue as to why am I doing right now. I’m still fucking wide awake at this fucking ungodly hour with bloodshot eyes and body as tired as a fucking flaccid dick that has gone through countless pieces of cunts. I'm watching the fucking hands of time as it fucking moves towards the breaking of dawn as I struggle to fucking sleep.

Feeling raped by the deprivation of sleeping…

Why can't I sleep? Why God? Why can't I fucking sleep? Sleep God why? Why the fuck God? Fuck why? Fuck? WhySleep? Fuck God.

FUCK! It must be her.

It is funny how I used to vow that I will never again to lose any sleep on the count of her dumb ass, yet here I am here with my eyes wide open and my brain on overdrive.

Why the fuck would anyone wanna lose sleep on someone they don't fucking give a rat's ass ?

I've did everything from reading to meditating to conjuring bodily fluid with the help of my hand and porn. I mean I could still go on doing the five fingers shuffle till I fall asleep but I would rather reserve some of my man juice in case a random hot chic decides to knock on my door to ask for direction to my night “club”. Then again, I read somewhere that a fucking kid died because he went over his jack off limit and I would never ever wanna be found dead that way because some kid has already done that and it would be so un-fucking-original.

Counting sheep are fucking lame.

Maybe I’ll count the amount of girls I've slept with. You might be thinking that half of them are hookers but you’re wrong. Not because it is I am against prostitution and human trafficking, it’s because I don’t fucking believe in paying for sex.

Hmmm… I guess that would take too much of my fucking brain juice to recall who or how they look like. Moreover, that could lead to some serious masturbation and that is the last thing that I fucking wanna do.

NEXT: 2. The Pain of Waking

WTF We Have in Jesus

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 13:12:00 +0000

For

Kim Jong iL

(1941 maybe 1942 - 2011)

A big chunk of my fucking life, I've been a fucking Christian.

No, wait...

I think I've got it wrong, even though I've spent a considerable amount of time in church but I wasn't always a fucking Christian and I definitely wasn't into Jesus and all of His splendid bullshit. So, I should fucking say that ever since I was young, I've been in and outta church so frequent that if the church and homosexuality were the same fucking thing, you would think that I'm a fucking fag.

Hey, don't fucking crucify me just yet? Let this brother-in-fucking -Christ explain his-fucking-self...
I'm not saying that the church is fucking gay in any way but I do think that the church is somewhat a breeding ground for homosexuality.

Look at the early church's monasteries; how they put a bunch of males together and teach them about brotherly love. If that isn't a nudge towards homosexuality, then I don't fucking know what is.

Imagine these monks, sworn to have a life of chaste; they will never ever have the chance to savor the nectar of a woman's pussy that flows beneath the bush and between the labia, foul yet sweet to taste; gross yet inviting to look at; nasty yet delicious in every fucking way!

Take away the fucking vagina from a man's equation and where the fuck is he going to stick his dick in?

I guess the next best thing is the anus. Not only it is just an inch away from the vagina but in a fucking monastery, I'm sure there is an abundance of anuses to go around. The vagina and anus may have different function and secretion but they're a perfect fit for penises.

Do you ever wonder why they use altar boys instead of girls to service their clergyman? But enough of this gay shit because when I started writing this shit I had other shit in mind.

Like I say, I spent a lot of time in church when my fragile little brain was beginning to take form. So it’s no wonder I was mentally scar with all the bullshit that they fucking dump on me.

But I am fortunate that it hasn't turned me into queer.

My brain might have gone through the trauma but I'm still straight.

But every tale a survivor tells doesn't always have a happy ending. Even to this fucking day, when I'm doing my own shit like jacking off or something, I would unconsciously sing or hum hymns. Sometimes when I'm just sitting there with my guitar jacked into the amp, my riffs would suddenly turn into a fucking hymn.

If you're thinking…

"Yeah, that is so messed up" and I have to totally agree with you. I mean that is like the worst thing that could ever happen to a self proclaimed Satanist. Seriously, I have a fucking reputation to fucking keep.

But as messed up as my early days in church have made me, it is my inherent nature that refuses to fucking give in, for hymns that usually comes outta this foul mouth fucker are usually like this:

I assure you this is not Tourette syndrome but just the fusion between my past and current personality. Or it could be that God has finally come to his fucking senses and that he wants me take church music into a new direction and be the first person to come up with a church hymn album that carries a parental advisory sticker.

If this blog post makes your blood boil, you would be happy to know that the author of this blog post is going straight to hell...

along side murderer, rapist, lawyers, politicians and free thinkers.

Whole World Brings You Down

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 11:46:00 +0000

For Lisa (1988 – 2011)

STAY

Tell me the story again
How did you fell apart in the end
Was it then when you ran to the edge
And wanted to jump off that ledge

WAIT

I can see you slipping away
Just stay with me
I’ll find you reasons that fit
And please don’t tell me it’s just too late

PAIN

Has always been your friend that you try to hide
Fueling and gearing you towards the end
If only you tell me what you need
I’ll try to stop the bleeding and no, you’re not too far gone

WHEN

When did all the gold around you rust
Turning all the love you had to dust
Alone you sat, watching the night do what the night could to you
I know it took the best of you

FAITH

I know it is easier said than done
Especially when it's so hard to trust anyone
But sometimes faith is a place inside of you
That you can run and hide

BELIEVE

If the Whole World Brings You Down
And you’re falling faster than the speed of sound
Just look to the side
And I’ll be sinking down with you

CRAZY

You can that me that I am that
But that isn’t going to save me
From holding my breath with you
Till all the lines in this world turns blur

Sweet Sweet Pictures

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 14:37:00 +0000

"I would love to apologized for taking this long to post these pictures nevertheless here they are and I have to say that these set of pictures are the best I've seen this far." - xniquet

DANI:

PICTURE 046

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Picture 046 to 047 by Dani

ALEX Anonymous :

"Was layed off, cheated on, gave away my apt, arrested for 5150 and drunk all in the same exact week. Used a double edged Winchester boot knife. I severed two tendons, muscle, fat and lost so much strength I couldn't slash the right wrist. After bleeding out on the floor for over an hour I woke up dissapointed I was alive. For once I genuinely needed help but nobody answered my call when I needed a ride to the hospital. My life is better now. Better than before I attempted suicide. I must have killed the bad part of me. I'll email more pics"

PICTURE 048

"Here's one of two severed tendons."

PICTURE 049

"Swollen while in the ER. Notice the difference of how tight the wrist band is."

PICTURE 050

"As you can tell I also tried down the road. Twice. The amount of force it takes is overwhelming and not as easy. Anyway it's been a journey. Side affects are numbness and loss of strength. I was lucky that particular DR was in the ER that day. Otherwise who knows I'd probably lost all function of my hand that I write with. There are people you can call. Or just go for a walk. Suicide is cool but when you fail you wish you never attempted. Keep my name anonmous thanks."

PICTURE 051

Picture 048 to 051 by ALEX Anonymous

JOCELYN ISABELLA ADAMS:

"Idk if you even need these anymore,but I was Google-ing tryin to figure out what I did wrong when I slit my wrists,& I found your page.The pics of my left wrist/arm aren't too deep & I stitched myself,the one on my right wrist only got me stitches & a 3 day stay on the crazy floor of the hospital."

PICTURE 052

PICTURE 053

PICTURE 054

PICTURE 055

Pictures 052 to 055 by Jocelyn Isabella Adams

"Calling all practicing wrist cutter! I am creating a new gallery for those who love to slit their wrist therefore I am collecting pictures of wrist being slit or wounds resulting from wrist slitting. If you could send it those pictures and your name too, I can add it in the gallery, just so the others can see how cool you really are. "

Please send pictures and your name to:

other sent in pictures:

In Pain We Are Not Alone

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 14:06:00 +0000

" New article WTF We Have in Jesus will be up shortly - xniquet "

Taken from WTF We Have in Jesus :

… I'm not saying that the church is gay but I do think that the church is somewhat a breeding ground for homosexuality. Look at the early church monasteries, how they throw a bunch of guys together and teach them about brotherly love. … Take away the vagina from a man's equation and where he is going to stick his dick? I guess the next best thing around is the anus…

PICTURE 041

PICTURE 042

PICTURE 043

PICTURE 044

PICTURE 045

Pictures 041 to 045 by Dani

Please send pictures and your name to:

other sent in pictures:

New Pictures from You's

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 03:08:00 +0000

" I'm, sorry for taking my time because I went on a hiatus but nevertheless your pictures are still here. - xniquet "

PICTURE 037

PICTURE 038

Picture 037 -038 by Jackie Gates

"I slit my wrist. hit an artery. obvious suicide fail. some of these are just for blood.. :P -jackie"

PICTURE 039

PICTURE 040

Picture 039 to 040 by Ray

Please send pictures and your name to:

other sent in pictures:

My Bad Girlfriend

noreply@blogger.com (xniquet) — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 08:12:00 +0000

Let me tell you about my girlfriend...

My girlfriend has a magnetic pussy that attracts dimwit dicks like me to do her dirty deeds.

She shakes her ass and wave her tits like some fucking magic wand as she cast some enchantment spell on me then she butt fucks me emotionally anyway she please...

While her worm tongue loves spitting fictitious tales about us because I found out that...

She lied about everything.

She lied about her and she lied about me…

She lied about her collecting stamps when clearly it was her ex's and their STD.

She lied about a baby being on the way when she had been slacking on her gym days.

She lied about always wanting me to be there but it has became obvious that she only calls me when she's going shopping.

She lied to her friends saying everything's fine, that she had me hooked by my balls and she could reel me in any time.

She lied about her tits saying they were real but they're about as fake as the way she feel.

She is so full of shit; she should be a septic tank.

Any sane guy would rather get hit by a truck than stay with her and be fucked. I guessed I'm just a demented motherfucker sliding down a razorblade while using my balls as brakes.

But darling Carin, let me tell you something...

Every time I tell you I'm almost in heaven when you gave head, that is because your head sucked so much, it got me thinking I would rather be better off dead

Every time I tell you that I want you, it means I've just finished getting aroused by porn and I'm too lazy to rub one out myself.

Every time you bring me along your shopping spree I was there because of your friends were there too

Darling, the Truth is...

I was sleeping with you just to get to your other friends and now that I've slept with every single one of them behind your back, I guess it is time to move on and get myself another bad girlfriend.

P.s. Darling, don't flatter yourself because you made me cum every time you give head, I was merely trying to choke you with my semen.