I owe how much??!!!

Update Time, I Guess

2011-03-07T10:07:00.000-05:00

Anyone reading over in food-land will know this already, but I've run away to Mexico. My entire life (give or take) my father's been telling me that running away doesn't fix anything, but I'm pretty sure he's wrong.

It doesn't fix student loans, that I already know. You have to print out a piece of paper that tells them how pathetic you are, or call up your guarantor and tell *them* how pathetic you are, then get your forbearance extended. Which I need to do again, actually. And credit card bills also don't go away, but those are already pretty much totally forked.

Other problems, though? Almost totally gone. I can work. I've got ideas for *articles* coming out my ears, and a story slowly fermenting in the back of my mind. By the end of the month I should be covering my living expenses without dipping into my (from tax return) remaining "savings."

Of course, for however long I stay where I am now my expenses are something like $250/month housing, $40/month food, $10 a month getting money out of the ATM, and up to another $100 spent on who-knows what. 'course it's about $13 each way to get off the island and into a "real" city, but I don't want to go just yet.

So for now I'll work, build up some cash, learn enough Spanish to have actual conversations, and loaf on the beach. And maybe in a month or so I'll be ready to move on to a "real" town, with money in the bank, and a vocabulary of more than 200 words.

Or not. I might just stay here until they kick me out.

Five Years Ago Today

2010-12-17T10:04:00.001-05:00

Five years ago today I was on my way home for an adventure. I was halfway-ish between Wyoming and South Carolina, at a friends home in Kentucky. I had two days until my first wild flight, and the beginning of my first "real" adventure.

Two days later, on the 19th of December, 2005, I took off from Charleston. I spent the night riding the elevated trains in Chicago with the bums, before grabbing a spot at the booking computer in the lobby of the airport Hilton to book myself a spot to sleep the next night.

Five years ago I was wimpy, and scared, and more alive than I'd ever been before. I had almost total strangers telling me what a "ballsy" chick I was, how brave I must be, How they had AIDS in Africa, and I should be careful.

Five years ago I was planning to climb Kilimanjaro. I was going to see Cairo. I was spending a month in Africa, then three weeks at home, then moving *around the world* to chase my dream.

I didn't climb to the top of Kilimanjaro, but it didn't matter. I got extra sleep. I saw Lions and cheetah, and a leopard. Baboons went at it with wild abandon by the side of the road at the entrance to the Ngorongoro Crater. An elephant walked through our camp. We drank beer and roasted bananas, and laughed. I caught Malaria.

I like who I was five years ago. I was proud of that girl. She may have scammed her way into school, but *that* girl, she was going to do well, and ace everything, and live her dreams.

I'm not quite sure where she went. I haven't seen her in probably four and a half years. Back there somewhere, in the last 4 years or so, I let my dreams die. I let them get crushed under reality, and student loans, and debt. Maybe I never was that girl.

I was proud of that girl. I was proud to be her. And if maybe she was a little standoffish, and maybe she hadn't done the *whole* travel the world backpacking thing, I still think she could have been a backpacker.

I think, really, since I came back, I've just been existing. I don't really know what I want. I killed the dream I'd chased for years, probably half or more of my life. RAID kills bugs, I kill dreams.

I don't know really what I want to do with the rest of my life. I just know who I want to be. I want to be that girl who chases her dreams, striking high-fashion poses covered in grime. I want to be proud of me again.

Money Fail

2010-12-10T06:18:00.000-05:00

Money for me is kinda a huge vat of fail for now. I'm going to drop this blog for the rest of the year.

I'm mostly glossing over this place now, so it's really no good for anyone.

I'll be back eventually, when I figure out what's up, and where I'm going. Right now, tho- still just "I has no dollars, I owe lots of dollars, life sucks".

No Fun.

Anyway, yeah...

Monday Update and Fast Forward on 2011 Plans

2010-12-06T17:55:00.000-05:00

I said I'd get back later, and here I am.

I called the cops on RM1 last night. There has been something building here (with a minor) and while I could ignore it and stay where I am until the end of the lease, I couldn't have ignored it. I'd rather be the bitch that called the cops then the blind fool who let some guy do stuff he shouldn't have. I'd rather be wrong (or too early) calling the cops, then right and ignoring it.

What that means, though, is that I now have a *very* uncomfortable living situation. Even if RM1 doesn't know who made the call yet, he will eventually figure it out. So I'm gone from here at the end of the year.

What that means in real words is that I need to figure out what I'm doing next year- and *next month* now.

I still have really no idea. I can probably sell about 1/2 my crap for cash, and that's something. I can build my internet stuff as fast as possible. I can write articles as fast as I know how.

I still need to know where I'll be on January 5. Where I'm going from there. When I'm moving on, and what I'm doing next year.

My options have been:

Go to Mexico, write, maybe teach english.
Hike from Georgia to Maine.

The first would mean (probably) leaching off someone for about a month. The second can't really start until the middle of March at the earliest. Which means 2 months or more staying with family. Not cool.

Well, it *could* start earlier, but difficulty, danger, and expense all go up if I start before the middle of March. Everything with that hike gets easier the closer to April I start. I can start earlier by starting farther south, and working my way up to the "official" starting point, but that also adds cost.

Up-front costs for the two are about the same, with hiking being (maybe) a bit cheaper. Family is *probably* a little more comfortable with the idea of me in the US. But there's no real way to earn money actively while hiking, so any money I need I'll either have to already have, or have some way of earning without direct work.

What it really comes down to is that I have one month (instead of two) to build a $500 a month income stream, *and* to earn enough cash to move/ buy what I need. Which is pretty crazy. All while avoiding RM1 and his mother.

I can haz stress?

Life Math and a Short Delay

2010-12-06T09:00:00.000-05:00

I need to work some stuff out. Things are happening at home and whatnot that I need to figure out before I can say what I'm doing.

And I need to know what I'm doing before I know what the money really looks like.

So I'll be back later today, hopefully, when I have things set up a bit better. Or at least thought through a bit better.

How My Slacker Attitude is Helping Me Get Stuff Done

2010-12-01T13:27:00.000-05:00

Right now I am (still) trying to figure out what I'm doing next year. Am I wandering off into the wilds of Mexico and Central America, or am I going for a really long walk?

I've pretty much slacked this whole year. I'll admit it. I quit my job back in January, and until about two weeks ago had earned maybe $300. All Year.

So I know what doing nothing at all and feeling bad about it looks and feels like. I know what sort of things make me less likely to do something. I know what makes me *more* likely to do something. I also know the idea of daily production at a set rate gives me brain-hives.

As much as writing short articles for $3 each works for other people, and as much as I wish I could pay all my bills writing easy articles forever, I have to accept that I'm just not interested in writing 5000 words a day on office chairs. It's something I've been looking at for a while now, but I've reached the "Start making things happen now, or be stuck here another year" point.

So what have I done? I've:

signed up at Commission Junction, so when I get my "real" site built I can put something on it.
Changed around my other blog, dropping the advertising network I've been using
worked out an upfront to residual balance that works for me- every article I write for upfront pay, I write one for myself to toss up on hubpages or ezine arts, or my own webpage
made lists of upfront costs, and what I need to do each of my two surviving plans for next year (bare-bones-style)
written most of a halfway decent first chapter (longhand), and mentally mapped out where I want those characters to go.
sketched out three or four new book ideas as they wandered past
re-set my goals to match what I *really* want and can get now.

Most of that happened since Thanksgiving, so in about a week. Compared to what I've done over the last month, it's really pretty good. I'm also trying not to think about what I *should* be doing. I'm working on setting an alarm, and just doing what I said I'd do for that couple hours.

Oh, and I've given myself permission to stop writing articles for upfront pay when I have enough to cover the month. So I don't have an endless stretch of 3 dollar SEO articles reaching out before me. As soon as I can pay the rent, put food in my stomach and gas in my car (with some for the tax man, of course), I can stop.

Makes writing them so much easier. Now instead of "Just three more and I don't have to write anymore today" it's "just $30 more and I can stop writing these things for the month." Remarkably motivating.

Which leaves me with my choice for next year. Do I "move" to Mexico, or walk from Georgia to Maine? Mexico will (probably) always be there and it's been on my list for about 10 years. The hiking trip's been on my list (way up near the top) since I was probably 14, so over half my life now. It will, of course, also be there later. But will I be interested in taking the time to do it later?

Either way, I need about $500 a month coming in without any real direct work from me. And *that's* what's really motivating me right now. Back to work time.

Slacking And The "Real" Job

2010-11-29T12:53:00.000-05:00

I might have mentioned last week that this outside the house job is killing my energy. I think I mentioned that I was getting none of my own work done.

It also made me sick, but I guess that happens when you touch money and/or things touched by germy other people all day.

I'm taking today to work for myself, though. In a 10 hour day working for tarjay I'd make $75. If I can make $60 today, I'll consider it win, and quit my outside job.

I think, not working for so long, and having so long when I didn't have to(savings) followed by so long when I just didn't (thanks dad, really), I forgot just how much I hate working for other people. How even though $7.50 an hour would pay the bills, it's less than I can make working for myself. How even writing the worst, spammiest, most unpleasant article is better than working for someone else.

Simply because if it's going bad, or I'm sick of it, or there's something I'd rather be doing, I can drop it and come back (or not) when I want.

Don't want to write articles about stainless steel countertops at textbroker? I don't have to. I can write about something random and put it up on CC or hubpages, or someplace else. I can put it off until late at night, or I can go for a walk in the neighborhood, then come back to it when my brain is working again.

Working for someone else, not so much. Don't want to re-fold infant clothes? Too bad, do it or leave. Don't want to stand for 8 hours, smiling at angry people? Too bad, they've bought your time.

So yeah, I made about $300 at that dayjob. It sucked the work right out of me, though. I bet I can make just as much working at home. I bet I can even enjoy it more. I just needed to be reminded how much it sucks.

Work and Work

2010-11-22T09:00:00.001-05:00

I do two kinds of work. One *can* pay crap, and is part of a kinda floaty long term plan. The other *only* pays crap and is over in January.

Yesterday I was supposed to do the first type. I had it all planned out- after 8 or so hours of goofing off and relaxing, I was going to do this work that'll pay off later.

Then I made the mistake of answering the phone.

I guess it's been too long since I worked in a "real" outside the house job. This time last year I knew better than to answer the phone on my "day off". Yesterday, though? Ha.

So I went to the place where I'm working temporarily and stayed there from 4 until 11. That whole time I stood at a register, then tidied the store. While my check will be kinda nicer, it means I didn't get to do any of the things I needed/ planned to yesterday. Things like:

write articles for up-front pay
write articles for my own sites
write articles for places that do revenue share like HubPages
Do laundry
get my food made up for this week
relax
catch up on NaNoWriMo
get some work done on my blog that *really really* needs to be done
buy groceries

Instead all I did was earn $42, give or take $3. I'd have been much better off, crazy as it sounds, staying home. Now I have to find some way to fit all that stuff that I didn't do yesterday into a schedule that's already taking over my life. Oh, and I need to cancel an appointment, because "work" can't/ won't reschedule me around it. Even though they knew about it *at the interview.*

Soooo not interested in this work thing. really, Not. Oh, yeah, and being around all those strange people and little screaming kids, I'm getting a cold. Extra Pleh.

Busy

2010-11-19T07:17:00.001-05:00

Really. Post Monday.

For Now I (conditionally) Have a Job

2010-11-15T15:42:00.000-05:00

A local retail store (not Walmart) is hiring for x-mas, and some other spots, too. I applied, figureing it couldn't pay *that* badly, right?

So, yeah, after about 1.5 hours of interviewing, I got my offer.

$7.50 an hour, if I don't fail my drug test.

Since I don't take drugs, I've almost definitely got a job. That pays $7.50 an hour. Mom says be happy, it's more than you make writing articles. But ugh. *and* I have to pee in a cup.

Otherwise, I don't know how many hours I'll be working, if it's part or full-time, if it's seasonal or permanent, what kind of hours I'll be working, what department I'll be working in, or even where employees park.

Worst case, it's permanent, I work until the day (or week) before I leave the country, and call it good. Best case, I work an insane number of hours for the next 6 weeks, still manage to get my writing and web stuff done, and don't fall behind.

At least I'll be getting out of the house?

Seriously, though? Pee in a cup for $7.50 an hour? I'd expect it for $20 an hour, or something where you might actually risk harming yourself or others, but... How on earth do stoners find work, if even the crappiest of the crap jobs require drug tests.... They can't *all* be cooks and dishwashers, can they???

Post After Noon

2010-11-15T09:00:00.001-05:00

When I know for sure what the money stuff looks like this week

I Have Some Motivation, Kinda

2010-11-12T09:00:00.002-05:00

Some famous guy, somewhere in the past (I think it was a writer) once said something like "the trick to getting things done is to have something you want to procrastinate on *more* than the thing you need to get done." Give or take.

I've found that thing. Well, ok, I've found dozens of those things, and dozens of things to do instead of them. Really, though, I've gone and done something so terrifying that I now *have to* do something.

I made a twitter account for the website I haven't actually built yet. And then I followed people with it. And it points people to the website. The not-yet-up website...

Um, yeah.

So now I *really really* have to get the website going. And you know what? I did a bit of work on it. Not much, but some. I see where I could go with it, what directions I can (maybe) take it. And I now risk people showing up at my empty, not yet search engine-listed website.

Which makes that now the biggest scariest thing in my entire list of stuff I have to get done. I promptly started thinking about story ideas, and will now probably be writing all day. Not what I *need* to be doing- I need to be making money. Closer, though, and better than watching tv or playing games.

Other than writing for NaNoWriMo, all the writing I have to do/ can do is internet content. Most of that pays crap. The content for my website will pay all of nothing until I get traffic and advertising, and who knows what else (i actually do know, really, just not getting into it now). Hopefully, though, I can switch between these terrifying things enough to get a bunch of work done on each of them. Heck, I wrote a bunch of articles earlier this week for $2 each. I can write articles for nothing.

In other news, operation "find a temporary, craptastic seasonal job" seems to have hit a wall. Again. If I weren't the "fall off the ladder" type I'd put an ad in Craigslist offering to help put up lights. But yeah, I'd fall off, break something important, and be worse off than I am now. Meh.

No update today

2010-11-10T09:00:00.000-05:00

Just work.

Making Money is Hard Work!

2010-11-08T09:00:00.000-05:00

I have some semi-automated blogs. I toss them up a couple at a time, spending maybe 1/2 hour each to get them up and running. Really not bad.

Then I have to go back a month or so later and add advertising, affiliate links, and random other links.

Holy Crap, that takes time. Even just using Amazon I'm spending closer to an hour each to add these links and whatnot. Hopefully it'll make some money eventually. I might just add adsense to a couple of them to save time.

Still, serious time.

Then there's writing for TextBroker. At a penny a word, it takes pretty serious output to manage even minimum wage each hour. And when the only subjects are really dull, or really nit-picky, or just things I don't know anything about yet, the time per article goes way up. Don't even get me started on people looking for too much in exchange for a $3 article.

I'm still too wimpy and haven't managed to submit an article to Constant Content. Super wimpy, really silly, and a bad business decision, too. Writing articles for a penny a word is just plain stupid when you can write them for 5 or more cents per word. It's crazy.

I found a few other places pick up content work, and while one or two are similarly crappy (pay-wise) to TB, a couple may be a bit better. I'm checking them out now. Just need to finish the application. Still, if it works out (and they accept my app and let me work, and rank me higher than the very lowest) I could write those same 300 word articles and walk away with 5 or 9 dollars each. Same work, more money sounds like win to me.

Don't even get me started on the website I've been half-assedly working on since May. Not enough done yet to open it up, and I've been "starting" it for 6 months.

Finally, at the end of this month I'm * definitely* changing around the advertising on my other "real" blog. I want to use something that allows more flexibility for me, doesn't limit me as much in what I can post or how much, or when. Also thinking about (but who knows if it will materialize) moving things around there to put information stuff (like recipes, or easy substitutions) in easier to find/ central locations. I'm thinking about adding a "donate" button, but I want to feel like I'm providing more value than just entertainment before trying it. Also, I don't want my readers to feel like I'm using them to make money, or pushing things on them.

So, That's what the money thing looks like right now.

Jobs and Goals

2010-11-05T09:00:00.001-04:00

Well, I earned enough for a payout this week, at least.

I've been really bad about actually writing articles. It's strange, because when I find one that I can easily write I sometimes still procrastinate until I haven't got enough time to write. It's not so good for the budget. Not that really anything I do is, but still.

So with my lack of production (and don't even ask about NaNoWriMo- when I finish this I'm swapping computers in hoes of actually getting *something* done) I've come to accept that I have, maybe, 2 options.

I can actually write.

I can get a job.

There's this in between option, as well, which is writing *while* having a job, but who knows how that would turn out.

So, in an effort to motivate myself (electric shock-style) I've put in a couple applications for seasonal retail work. Applying doesn't mean I have to take a job, and it also doesn't mean I *don't* have to. It just means that I might end up working somewhere other than right here in my warm little writing nest.

Of course, I then looked up how much I was likely to make per hour at each of those places I applied.

It's *maybe* $300 a week. Working full time.

If I'm thinking about torturing myself for 8 hours (or more) a day in exchange for $300 a week, I should do it at home. Here I get to eat when I want, go outside when I want, drink soda all day and loaf about in my pj's. I only have to deal with people I want to deal with. And I can go off on angry rants without losing my "job".

'Cause the only people here in my writing room are, well... it's just me.

I bet I could make $300 a week writing articles. You know, if I *really* wanted to. Probably do it faster if I'd just try to sell them someplace that pays better than $0.01 a word, but whatever.

In better news, the child-style star goal/ chore chart thing is working out pretty well. even though the only things I've got gold stars in are napping, having fun, and posting blogs on time. But I've gone from a low of 3 goal areas with anything in them other than FAIL to four, five, or six stars a day. Yesterday I got 5. Would have been 6, but that fiction writing thing never happened.

So, yeah, more is getting done, now to earn enough that I can get away with not taking a "real" job, even just for the holidays.

Money Disconnect

2010-11-03T09:00:00.000-04:00

not mine, this time, but that of RM#3.

RM3 decided that she wants to be a medical biller and/ or coder when she grows up. this is something that is offered at the local community college. The local *lottery funded* community college. At which *all residents* are eligible for almost full tuition grants from the lotto fund.

So she could go there, get the certificate to start working (if she could find a job) and keep working until she had her associates degree- for a little more than the price of books.

Is that where she wants to go?

Nope. She wants to go to the U of Phoenix online. For something like 30k.

Now, this is a job that *maybe* pays 30k a year. The entry point is a certificate. she wants to pay 30k (or rather, wants her parents to pay) for something she could do for, oh, about $1500.

Now, I might not be a bright shining beacon of fiscal responsibility, but even i can see that there's something wrong with her thinking. And not just the bit where she thinks going to school online is *better* ot that U of P is somehow better than the local CC.

It's the bit where there's a program *she can get into* that costs *something like 5%* of what the one she wants does, and she won't even consider it. To the point of screaming and throwing things.

Now, yes, me moving halfway around the planet to flunk out of a program that (can) make people into Vets in 5 years was stupid. I have the study skills of a drunk chimpanzee. And if there was/ is another program that would have taken *me* for the same price or less, I'd have moved my pale scrawny butt there instead.

I went to the *least expensive* option open to me. Crazy, but true. Then I forked it up, but that's not the point.

RM#3 threw a fit because her parents said that if she wanted to go to the place that costs *20x* more, she'd have to pay for it herself. Dude, if I have a choice of mediocre product for $10 and mediocre product for $200, my ass is *so* in the $10 line.

WTF.

srsly. For 30k she could go to a *real* school.. with, you know, classrooms, and stuff. Heck, she could get her whole forking bachelor's at College of Charleston for that much, including living expenses *and* beer.

Then again, I moved to Wyoming because it had the second least expensive out of state tuition in the country and my parents wouldn't pay my tuition if I went to alaska instead, so what do i know...

November! Goals, Needs, Crazynesses

2010-11-01T09:00:00.000-04:00

Even on time for once.

I promised a certain money-lending parent type that if I wasn't making $25 a day by the 5th I'd begin looking for an "outside the house" job. So I need to make the dollars. And, of course, any day the total drops below $25 or the average for the days running up *to* that short day is under $25, I'll need to do the job-for-looking thing. Which I hate with a foul passion.

I also want (need?) to actually *win* NaNo this year. I like the idea of actually *finishing* something that big. Even if it *is* just 1667 words a day.

And (it's on my list/ sticker chart) I want/ eed to start writing the articles for the site that pays better. Even though I'm pretty much convinced they'll suck. Even though I'm scared. It just makes no sense at all to spend 30 or 40 minutes writing a crap 300 word article for $3 when I could spend 1.5 hours writing a *good* 300 word article for $20.

Hmmm. What else, what else...

My car needs an oil change. I suspect it's getting to the desperate point by ow, so that's on the "must have money for" list. My friendly friends at Sallie Mae are getting pretty sternly worded in their requests for money, so I need to get something to them soon. Or soon-ish, at least.

Oh, and I've begun scaling down my list of wants/ needs for this move-out of the country, start traveling the world thing I'm planning. To do it the way I want I'd need about $2000 before I go, plus a steady income of at least $1000 a month. Most of that pre-cost stuff is equipment, snazzy special stuff I don't actually *need*- well, not yet, anyway.

I still need a camera (thanks, washing machine), and a good lightweight backpack. And I *need* a working computer and a shiny new passport. I don't need a *new* computer, though. Or a video camera. Or the golf stuff- I can wait for that part of my dreamy trip. And cutting the possibility of golf out of my first 6 months or so cuts back (a lot) on the monthly expenses, too. $1000 a month in Mexico sounds like a tiny amount, but if I can find a cheap place to rent, don't go overboard with internet or food, $600 give or take a bit could work pretty well for a month.

I'll try to earn more, obviously. If I've got myself into a pretty solid "earn $800+ a month" groove, it won't be as much of a problem. If I'm still puttering along well under that, well... nothing like being stuck in another country for motivation, right?

So this month (November) I'll be writing- articles, outlines, synopsis', fiction. I'll be earning dollars (better be, anyway) or I'll be picking up seasonal work. Might do that anyway... I'm sure *someone* is looking for holiday cashiers... I just really don't want to.

Right, also hope to be sending off my passport renewal, doing some hands-on research for a backpack, and haunting my favorite charity shop for cashmere sweaters- better than fleece and cheaper, too.

Ack! I run away in barely more than 3 months and I haven't got *anything* ready yet!

I Has A Schedule!

2010-10-29T15:42:00.002-04:00

[insert cat photo here]

Tuesday night I made a schedule. I also wrote down goals (about 10) for November and numbered them 1-5. Work and money related goals, anyway. And a graph/ chart thingy to color in as I earn money, to try and make it seem a bit more real/ do-able.

Dunno how much it's going to help. Maybe if I manage to fill most of it in *this* month, it'll be easier *next* month? Right now it looks like a big empty grid with two lonely little squares filled in down in one corner.

Meanwhile, I was off the schedule (time-wise) by the end of the day I wrote it. So I've mostly tossed the times. Plan out my day from 5:30AM until 7PM? ick. Doomed to FAIL.

So now it says wake up and blog at 5:30 (kinda fail there, too, but close enough...), then I added a NAP, then after that my "work" day starts.

It's still a *long* list of stuff, and I'm really bad at feeling good about it, or like I got anything done. Which is silly, b/c I've done *at least* 3 things on the list every day.

They just aren't the ones that make me money right now, so they don't feel like I'm getting anything done. Maybe I need to make another chart/ grid- with my daily goals on it in a list, with a box for each every day, and put star stickers on them when I meet each goal (say, green star for "tried", red, blue, silver for 25, 50, 75% of goal, and gold star for anything I actually get *all the way* done) like a kindergarten class or little kid's chore chart.

I even have the stickers already...

Actually, I'm going to do that. I'll tape it up next to my bed above the "goals/ schedule/ income chart" already up there. Er, or rather, where the headboard would be, if I had one...

Hey, it's a good spot, and tough to miss or avoid.

Question/ Wondering

2010-10-27T14:28:00.002-04:00

Do I keep writing (not enough) articles at TB, even though they take a long time, pay crap, and are totally dis-interesting?

Or do I put on my big-girl pants and come up with my own topics to sell on Constant Content?

I'd have to (obviously) keep writing the penny a word articles until I am making enough sales to pay the bills (something I'm not even doing on TB), but putting up *one* article a day there could eventually kill the need for 7-10 articles at TB.

Which sounds pretty darned good to me.

Problems are:

I'm not confident that I'll make it past ed. review at CC
I don't have any idea what to write
I don't know if I could keep coming up with subjects
I'm scawed!

Um, ok, so fear is, I'm told, a bad reason not to do something.

Still, the bar is set *really* low at TB. What if I'm not good enough? What if I get banned on my first try? What if I manage to write on the only subjects *ever* with no interest in them *at all*?

Of course, the best way to get over all that stupid fear and what-if-ing is to just write the dratted things already. Just write something and send it in, right? That's what writers do. That's what anyone who wants to buy food and pay rent and get the oil changed does. It's what *I* need to do.

If I could write *one* article a day for CC and get it accepted, I'd be better off than I am now. If 1/3rd of the articles that I wrote and posted were sold, I'd be better off than I am now. If I wrote, submitted, and had accepted *3* articles a day? If 1/3rd of *those* sold in the first month? I'd be able to pay the rent, buy food, *and* get the oil changed, plus at least one other bill- all in the *same* month.

3 TB articles a day? I'd be lucky if I could manage just the food...

It makes so much sense to write for c-c... Why am I not doing it?

Brain Getting Into NaNo Mode

2010-10-25T16:31:00.002-04:00

I'm going to Win this year, you know. For the last year or so I'd closed off ideas. actually, most of the last couple years. I'd get ideas, and have no idea how to write them, or get an idea only to find out someone else had just sold the *exact same thing* to the only place that buys that kinda story...

So I closed the ideas off, stopped playing the "what-if" game, and any stray ideas that made it over the wall were ignored until they gave up and went away.

Not this week. Over the weekend, actually, I realised that I need *at least* an idea before NaN0 starts, and that means not just letting them in, but cultivating them so I can see which is strong enough. Right now I have two strong contenders, and each (maybe) could continue into a series.

Not bad "work" for a weekend and a (very) little bit of "what if"-ing.

Of course, to kill any sense of momentum, I also did no "real" work. I joined Twitter, though. Also not work. Not tweeting yet, not sure I want to. Interestingly, wil wheaton and Neil Gaiman tweet more than *any* of the internet marketing types I follow. I don't know if that means they have more to say, less to do, or are trying to avoid larger piles of work, but it's keeping me amused.

Now, though, I need to go do some slimy internet writing so I earn enough to pay the rent, so I can live inside with electricity and internet and a stove in November.

Money and Choices

2010-10-22T17:59:00.002-04:00

It's a good thing I've got a lot of goals. If I didn't I'd be stuck with no idea what to do in February.

After playing with the numbers some more (or a lot more, actually) I'd have to stay in Haiti more than 6 months before breaking even with going to Mexico.

So that means Haiti is out of the running (unless a huge random pile of money shows up next week...).

Hiking is also not looking so good. Insurance for a trip that takes place in the US would run me a couple thousand dollars, plus food, plus transport, plus housing between the beginning of February and whenever I started hiking. I'd pretty much never get it under $1k a month right now, average.

If I didn't have to get equipment (and I had insurance) it'd be a different story, but as it stands hiking is out for now.

So, Mexico.

Need to get to work so I can afford even that. If I can get my passport renewal in the mail by the end of November I'll save a pile of money. So that's my first goal. Then start adding in equipment. And tickets. And all the other fun stuff.

Then, at the beginning of February, I go. I think.

Which will give me about 3 months there before I need to be making enough to support myself (again) *and* pay my student loans. Which aren't quite as bad as I expected them to be.

It's really easy to figure out what to do when you start with 3 choices and can only afford one.

Ack, It's Wednesday, and Decision Time, Too!

2010-10-20T16:57:00.004-04:00

I'm starting to think I need some kinda calendar or something, that beeps or throws stuff at me on set days of the week.

So... I'm trying to do a bunch of different things right now. I'm trying to get myself earning enough money to pay the bills. I'm trying to set up some kind of ongoing residual income stuff. I'm working on my budget (sad and seriously underfunded though it may be). I'm trying to make myself set up a website that I see a real need for, and that I've been planning and half-assing for *months* now.

But I'm also trying to do and work on and decide some other stuff, too.

I need to figure out what I'm doing for NaNo. I need to work on getting an idea ready, to the point I can finish this year.

Also, I've got a possible opportunity to do something really cool next year. It's got some serious up-front costs, though. To take this "job", I'd have to get all that stuff up there that I'm trying to do for and with money done. Like, now, so I can go.

Basically, a group I've been following has a pretty big volunteer set up going in Haiti. I've been interested in what they're doing since I first heard about them. But between getting down there and the extra equipment I'd need, it's something like $3000 before I even get there. And because they work *full* days doing demolition and rebuilding, I wouldn't be able to even *pretend* to supplement my income with crappy cheap article writing. It just takes too long. I'd have time to do something like work on a website (if I could upload at the end, so I didn't need the wifi the whole time I was working), or work (slowly) on fiction work.

No way to even pretend to put in full days writing web content for other people.

Of course, the while-you're-there expenses are pretty low, too...

I have three or four other possibilities.

There are a good dozen things I want to do, but most get cut off by monthly costs.

I've already decided that to work, the options have to all last (ideally) at least 4 months, cost less than $1000 per month, and not involve sitting on my butt in front of a computer all day.

The first option is, probably, the one with the lowest up-front cost. The trip to Mexico, followed by points south. Plenty of time to work with this option, and plenty to see as well.

The second might not even fit into the budget, I need to price stuff out more- Hiking the AT (with or without my fuzzy half brother). This is the *only* life-goal interest in the US that *might* fit my budget. Insurance (or not having insurance) could push the cost too high, though. Very easily. Also, pretty much no chance to do internet *or* writering stuff while hiking. Even the lightest of computers is heavier than what I want to carry for 2300 miles.

Third option I'm looking at (that would battle with even *applying* for the Haiti trip) is Thailand. It's expensive to get there, visa fees are high, but once over there prices are pretty solidly low, there's a large network of people doing "internet stuff" (and probably "writer stuff," too) to hook up with for in-person motivation and competition. Again, good work time availability, but also plenty of distractions.

Thailand is honestly sitting in a pretty distant last place right now. Depending on what my price research turns up (and if I can find insurance that'll cover an otherwise uninsured american hiking in the US) the AT hiking might be out, too.

So really, the choice (so far, I think) is between volunteering in Haiti (if I apply and get accepted) and starting a tour of the Spanish speaking (non-island) Americas.

I dunno....

Writing

2010-10-18T09:00:00.000-04:00

This is kinda embarrassing, so I'm just gonna type it.

I wrote and turned in my first (cheap) article in about a month last night.

Which is crazy. I've accepted dozens, but when I actually have to write them, I freak out and stop. I just stop.

I won't say I "can't" do it, because I obviously have before. I just go totally blank, clueless, and the words dry up. I can think them. I can write most of the thing out in my head. Getting it into the computer, though?

Ha.

But I did one, and it made the second a bit easier. Now hopefully I can write more today without having to fight over it with myself.

I still think Santa should bring me a non-dysfunctional brain for winter holiday. Or, you know, a big pile of money.

Or both.

Ok, going to try another (short, easy, crappy) article. 'Cause, you know, I'm kinda fond of this whole living inside, eating thing. And eventually Dad's going to stop loaning me rent and food money.

Actually Working!

2010-10-12T11:25:00.002-04:00

I spent part of the weekend actually working! I'm not proud of myself, because I still didn't get even halfway through my list of stuff that *absolutely needed to get done*, but I got closer, so that's good.

Then I was so tired from that work that yesterday I did absolutely *nothing*. All day. Ok, around 5pm I picked up an article that I'm planning to write today. Otherwise? Nothing.

So today I'm "working" again. It's not work that'll earn me anything this month. It probably won't even earn me anything next month. Hopefully, though, it'll earn me something, someday. It's probably the most boring thing I've ever done, including the stuff I did at Walmart. Seriously dull.

But I can listen to music or podcasts while I do it, and if it works out I should eventually make between $200 and $800 a month off it. Just have to finish setting it up.

Have done nothing yet on the local tourist site. Need to get that done and start posting articles all over about it so I can get magic google juice. I'd like to have it done and ranking at least a little by New Years.

Other money stuff... Dunno. I've got the productivity plug-in on my browser now, dunno if I said that already. I get 2 hours of internet goof-off time between 8am and 10pm. Each time i find myself spending too much time on a site that doesn't get me anything useful (like work), I add it to the block list. There's not much left for me to enjoy at this point.

I keep finding new ones, though, so... yeah.

Off to write dull articles for slave wages....

If You Won The Lottery

2010-10-07T16:59:00.002-04:00

Not that I have- that would be a sign Santa loves me. At this point I'm starting to think that 6 year old was right and Santa's a fake...

The point is, I like to make a list of what I'd do, or *think* I'd do if I ever won some huge pile of money.

Not how I'd go get it, or setting up trusts or anything like that. But what I'd actually *do*.

I think it gives a pretty good idea of what people want from life.

So, if I ever won the lottery I'd (in approximate order):

Pay off everyone and everything that I owe
give my parents a chunk of money
set money aside for my sister to pay out as she works, or to pay for school, but without giving her direct access
book tickets to NYC and Europe
renew my passport (if needed)
see Apocalyptica in concert
go to Florida or California and ride roller coasters every day for a week
invest almost everything so I'd not have to worry again
hike the Appalachian Trail (with or without a borrowed dog)
blog
spend a year travelling and donating money all over the world
keep doing the internet thing
open a hostel
backpack around the world for as long as I want
write books
live in NY, SF, London, LA

Obviously that's a "huge pile of money" winning lotto- the "dream" amount. With $200k I'd pay off my debts, then hike the AT and backpack, while building an online business/ writing. $10k and I'd just start with backpacking and the business/ writing. $100 or less makes no real difference to my life- I'd buy more soda or extra gas.

But it shows me what interests me, what I want to do with my life. If I could pay off everything I owe in one swell foop, I'd be all over that. It's a long range goal. If I could donate piles of money to causes, groups, even people that I think need it, I'd do that. Another long range goal.

Some of them I can do *now*, tho- blogging, building a business that can eventually earn enough to let me do those more expensive goals, working on a book, preparing to, saving for, and taking off on a long term backpacking or hiking trip. A lot of my goals aren't expensive.

If I were more of a stay in one place kinda girl, I'm sure there'd be smexy cars and houses and pool boys and whatnot on that list. I'm sure eventually I'd get at least one of them. Heck, my dream car is less than $100k US with every possible upgrade. (drool, drool, lust...) But that's not something I think about in a daily kinda way.

If I don't plan to settle anywhere in the next 5 years, why would I need a house? If I'm globe hopping, why would I need a car? If I don't have a house, why on earth would I need a pool boy?

Sure, at some point I'll probably want a better place to keep my accumulated stuff (not that there's really that much of it) other than Dad's garage, Mom's shed, or a rented storage unit. Some day I might not have those options. For now, though, and in my goofy bills-paid dream world, that time hasn't come yet.

So what I seem to want in life are experiences, do-goodering, freedom from debt... And the sexy car. Other than the *huge piles* of donated cash, most of the rest of it seems pretty achievable.

What does your Dream/ Lottery/ Life list look like?

I owe *how much*??!!!