I Said Laugh, Dammit

Koch Brothers Paying Gingrich to Run to Make Romney More Palatable

2012-01-29T07:32:00.000-08:00

Seems these days no one wants to be in Newt Gingrich’s shoes and the only ones convinced that he should be our next President are himself and a handbag of Tea Party nutwings like Hermain Cain and Sarah Palin. Gingrich isn’t a stupid man, so it begs the question why does he continue to show up at rallies and declare himself the best man for the job?

Money. It always comes down to money. While it cannot be confirmed (in any real sense of the word in a meaningful way), some sources close to the Romney camp are saying things like “Let’s just say the money is on Mitt but the real money is on Gingrich.” What?

Translation: The Koch Brothers are doing everything in their power to make their candidate, Mitt Romney look like the only option, including throwing money at the Gingrich campaign to keep Newt on the trail, spouting his ridiculous promises.

“The moon thing was my idea,” says David Koch. “I about laughed my ass off when I saw Newt up there telling America he was gonna put a colony on the moon if he was President.”

“He’s a smart man, but he’s so, so gullible,” chimed in Charles Koch. “I just love it when he tells folks how he’s responsible for keeping the Republican Party intact. That is just priceless,” said Charles. “Everyone knows it’s Koch money that is assuring the Republican Party’s success. Without us, the GOP would just be the same old boring song and dance, but when we jazzed it up with a little Tea Party dissent, it sparkled.”

Meanwhile, there are rumors in the Romney camp that Mitt is getting a bit anxious about actually becoming President. “I keep hearing rumors that being President means you actually have to roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty occasionally,” said Mitt. “Wonder if it is too late to back out and just let Gingrich have the job.”

Hare Krishnas Tossing Real Flowers; Now Twisting Balloons for Tips

2012-01-28T10:05:00.000-08:00

It has been almost two years since the California Supreme Court ruled that Los Angeles and other California cities may ban Hare Krishnas from panhandling at airports. Since then, the Hare Krishnas have been busy trying to find avenues around the laws to allow them to once again get money into their coffers while spreading their message of peace and love.

Whereas before, Krishnas would hand out flowers in expectation of receiving a donation for their society, it has been ruled that this is illegal and must stop.

So, what to do?

Fortunately, several months ago, a couple of Hare Krishna devotees were having coffee at a local IHOP when they noticed a man walking around offering to twist balloons into various shapes for the patrons--for a fee of course. The Krishnas noticed that the man was making anywhere from $2 to $5 for each toy.

“The lightbulb went ‘bling!’” said Abhay Dhir, a down-on-his-luck devotee who just so happened to know someone who worked at the local Party Store. “I knew I could get the balloons really cheap. All we needed to do is learn how to twist them to look like daisies. It was pure genius.”

After checking with his ACLU lawyers, Abhay was able to ascertain whether or not balloon twisting for money in airports is legal. Turns out it is.

“The rest is taking care of itself,” said Abhay. He has trained over 100 devotees the art of twisting balloons into daisies and they are once again ready to head into California’s airports to spread their message and make a little money.

“Each balloon comes with a little message from the Hare Krishnas,” said Abhay. “The best part of all is that we haven’t met one person yet who hates watching a balloon flower take shape, even while doing so means having to sit through several verses of the Hare Krishna mantra.”

Cold Front Hits Florida, Santorum Goes Home

2012-01-27T11:27:00.001-08:00

Out of respect for Mr. Santorum and his family, this article has been removed. Wishing his daughter a speedy and full recovery.

Jerry Springer Invites Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney on Show

2012-01-27T07:39:00.000-08:00

Jerry Springer, the king of daytime trash television is offering Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney a million dollars each if they will take their feud onto his show for one taping. “I love to watch when Newt, who is already considered the trailer trash candidate of the GOP, brings a polished businessman like Mitt Romney down to his level,” said Springer. “Forget cousins having babies together, this would blow my audience out of the water.”

Springer said that so far, Newt’s people have tentatively accepted, but he hasn’t heard back from the Romney camp.

“Romney says the money sounds great, but he’s balking at the idea of putting on a Speedo and rolling around in Jello with Newt for the cameras,” said Springer’s producer. “But those are just details that can be worked out. It may be possible to get them to just wear cut-offs and switch out the Jello for mud. Lord knows Mitt is not adverse to a little mud-slinging—it’s just more difficult than we thought convincing him to do it literally.”

Aging Gingrich Sucking Life Out of Youthful Santorum Race

2012-01-20T18:44:00.000-08:00

Volunteers for GOP candidate Rick Santorum say they are growing more tired by the day trying to come up with good things to say about Newt Gingrich in order to keep the Gingrich/Santorum tag team going against candidate Mitt Romney.

“At first we thought, ok, Newt is a bright dude, he has a bit more Washington experience than our Rick does, and ganging up on Romney would get us further than if we went after him ourselves,” said Jim Voeticki, chief organizer of the Santorum campaign.

“But he lies…a lot,” said Voeticki, “and quite frankly, his lies are affecting all of us.”

Voeticki says that since Santorum decided to get in Newt’s corner and go after Romney together, the volunteers have had to stay up late at night just trying to keep a step ahead of the media so that their boss’ name doesn’t get dragged through the dirt just by association.

Mary McCurtney, 37, a Santorum volunteer from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, agrees. “When we first started this campaign last year, I had gorgeous auburn hair. I’m now having to get henna treatments every 3 months or so to hide the gray. I’m seriously considering hanging up my volunteer slippers and saying the heck with it. I didn’t sign on for this crap.”

“Hell, we shouldn’t have trusted him in the first place,” said Voeticki. “It’s just that most of us were too young to remember Gingrich’s shady dealings as House Speaker back in the 90’s, and well, let’s face it, Newt is such a smooth talker. He had us at hello.”

But now, the youthful campaign workers are aging fast and are asking their leader to allow them to cut ties with the Gingrich camp. “If for no other reason,” said Voeticki, “the cost of vitamin supplements alone is putting a serious dent in our campaign coffers.”

Mitt Romney Hands out $20 Bills to Young Black Males

2012-01-17T12:51:00.000-08:00

Mitt Romney says the ‘high’ he felt by helping out a Sumter, SC woman last week by handing her a wad of cash to pay her electricity bill was exhilarating. He claimed afterwards that he couldn’t describe how great it felt to give to the poor. “Who knew there was that kind of power in money?” said Romney.

It was then that Romney decided that wherever he went, he would carry a pocketful of cash and hand it out to those he felt were most needy. And so, on a sunny Monday, while the country celebrated the birthday of Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr., Mitt Romney hit the streets in Myrtle Beach, SC handing out $20 bills to the young black men milling about the streets.

“I figured the least I could do was buy them lunch,” said Romney. “I know how hard it must be to be out of work and hungry, so I thought, hey, I know I can take care of the hungry part.”

Asked if he thought it might look like a political handout to get the black vote in South Carolina, Romney poo pooed the notion. “Oh heck no, not at all. I mean, sure, those guys might be voters, I’m never sure. But, vote for me when they have Obama? Heaven’s no. I know that’s never gonna happen. I’m just throwing a little ‘power’ around,” he chuckled as he hurried off to score some more happy points with a group of blacks he spotted at the bus station.

Afterwards, one of the recipients was asked how he felt about being handed money from a man who may soon be his next President. “I’m blown away, man,” said Johnson Freeman. “Now I can afford to pay my kid’s allowance this week.” Then lightheartedly added, “But asking for a shoe shine in exchange for the Jackson? Man, that was harsh, Willard.”

Mitt Romney Not Ashamed of his Tons of Millions

2012-01-14T08:34:00.000-08:00

Yo Quiero Mi Dinero?

The media, for lack of better things to do, seem to constantly be nipping at Mitt Romney’s heels about how wealthy he is. But for all their efforts to make him look like a rich fat cat, the best they’ve been able to accomplish is to provide Romney a platform on which to flaunt his financial success.

“My God,” said Romney at a $10,000 a plate dinner in Boca Raton, Florida, “If that money wasn’t going to me, it would just end up in someone else’s pocket. I’m just not getting what the big deal is. I’m rich, get over it,” he said to a cheering audience.

“He’s sending the right message,” said Thornton Bancroll, one of the richest donors to Romney’s cause.

“Seriously, tonight Mr. Romney asked a damned good rhetorical question. He said ‘Wouldn’t giving up my wealth be an insult to every person in this room?’ and no one here tonight could argue against that kind of logic.

Romney says he isn’t bitter at the press, and in fact, he welcomes the dialogue about money. “At least when they are talking about how filthy rich I am, they aren’t digging up more of my ancestral roots. I mean, really, Mexican? Who saw that coming?”

Damien Thorn Surges in GOP Polls

2012-01-11T14:31:00.000-08:00

For anyone who is just tuning in, Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney is surging in the polls despite the fact that he is anti-middle class, anti-working folk, and anti-poor. He is being spoon fed to America as the next great leader, ready to topple our now standing President in, what some would have you believe, the greatest takedown since Muhammad Ali vs. Joe Frazier.

He’s Ward Cleaver, the Koch Brothers, Mr. Rogers, and Damien Thorn all rolled into one neat package created to give the American public an alternative to Barack Obama. He’s gonna fix this country. Not by easing taxes on the rich, not by giving the jobless jobs, not by fixing the financial industry. Nosiree, he’s just gonna get up there in Washington and remove Barack Obama’s finger from the dike so that Washington can get back to the business of letting business take over.

But Romney is going to do it with a great big smile on his face. The face that will be turning away when the rest of the jobs are shipped overseas, the hangers on who were barely making it finally fall into the abyss of destitution, the hungry finally die off and the poor just plain give up.

Mitt Romney is not one solitary man, he is a figurehead that has been carefully picked to be the GOP candidate to take down the President by any means possible. Romney lends his suave appearance and his calm, calculating demeanor to those in real power to do with as they please just so long as he gets to keep his millions and his mansions, yes, plural, the ones in California, Massachusetts and New Hampshire, not to mention his little ski shack in Utah.

Romney may be surging in the polls, but you can bet it is not because real Americans are backing him. Instead his political dog is being wagged so well by the most powerful people in the world that no one on the middle-class or below level can see anything due to the bright light being shined in their faces. Somebody is paying somebody off in massive amounts to have someone like Romney do so well in the polls when the majority of the citizens of this country are in such dire straits.

What is really happening is that the money people are trying one last time to pull the wool over the eyes of the American public while they are too weak to protest. It is costing a lot. One so cynical as myself has to wonder if Ron Paul, as well, is being paid a pretty penny to show up to these shindigs, take a few of the votes so as to make it seem like a real contest. He will never become the GOP candidate. He knows it and Mitt Romney and his backers know it, yet he continues to be cheered on by the youth of this country, perhaps because they are just naïve enough to believe that there is such a thing as a democratic process in America and we have a real choice.

“Make it look real good fellas, like he’s really fighting for the American people, and then at the end, give him a concession speech that will have them crying in the aisles” (cue Romney from the left.)

“My fellow Americans, I am honored to accept the nomination of the Republican Party to become the next great President of the United States.”

Does anyone know where that satchel with the ceremonial daggers is?

New Little Bigfoot Show to Air this Summer on Animal Planet

2012-01-10T06:05:00.000-08:00

“They’re out there. Their size just makes them that much harder to find,” claims veteran Bigfoot hunter, Claude Brinkman, from Clare County, Michigan. Brinkman has just signed on to do several episodes of a show called The Hunt for Little Bigfoot for the Animal Planet Channel.

Brinkman claims he started out looking for regular-sized Bigfoot creatures but was having little success.

“I saw where some fellas from Georgia got their own show and claim to be the best Bigfoot hunters in the world,” said Brinkman. “Baloney. They haven’t produced one iota of evidence yet, but I will.”

Asked if he had evidence of his Little Bigfoot creature, Brinkman answered “No, but I’ve had plenty of opportunities to get some. I just want to save all that for the show.”

Asked to theorize exactly what a Little Bigfoot is, Brinkman told reporters, “It’s about the size of an overweight 9-year old, I’m guessing, and it walks around barefoot in the woods, just like its big counterparts.”

Asked if it could actually be a 9-year old child wearing a furry coat for winter and walking around in the woods, Brinkman said that he thought of that possibility, but quickly dismissed it.

“Seriously, folks, where are his shoes?”

Little Bigfoot has begun filming in the woods of Clare County, Michigan and if all goes well (meaning if any signs whatsoever are found that would remotely get someone to watch this guy walking around in the woods speculating that there actually could be a smaller version of the Bigfoot creature while never showing real evidence of its existence) then the show will air on the Animal Planet in the time slot immediately following Finding Bigfoot.

Grandma Foils Would-Be Carjacker with Bag of Doggie Doo

2012-01-08T07:32:00.000-08:00

Cecelia (Cece) Hudson is being hailed as one tough grandma this morning after reports of an attempted carjacking of her precious 1994 Honda Accord met with dismal failure. Due to her quick thinking and a conveniently placed bag of fresh doggie doo on her front passenger seat, Hudson was able to debilitate the would-be robber until authorities arrived to arrest him for grand theft auto.

Hudson, from Flushing, Michigan, claims she had just finished taking her black lab, Chauncey, for a walk in Woof Woods Dog Park and realized she was late for her weekly hair appointment at Dayshawna’s Hair Salon.

“I weren’t near no trash bin and was running late, so I just told Chauncey to get in the car and threw the bag of fresh dog poo in the front seat beside him and took off.”

Hudson claims she got the dog home and jumped back in the car and was about a block away from home when she realized she hadn’t yet thrown away the offensive bag. She pulled to the curb beside a city dumpster and, with bag in hand, was just getting ready to toss it into the dumpster when out of nowhere a young man ran up to the car, strong-armed Hudson and tried to wrest control of the steering wheel.

Fresh bag of doo in hand, Hudson says she snapped the tie open and in one swift motion smashed the foul-smelling waste right smack in the middle of that robber’s face.

“Oh it were a sight to see alright,” said Cece. “He was rolling around on the ground and calling me every name in the book. People started gathering around, but not too close mind you, to see what all the commotion was. Meantime, I was on the phone with the Po-lice.”

Luckily for Hudson, a squad car was in close proximity of the attempted carjacking and arrived in time to take the man into custody. Once he was secured, they turned their attention on the little old lady sitting defensively behind the wheel of her prized automobile.

“He weren’t getting my baby, I can tell you that,” said a defiant Hudson,“ as she lovingly patted the dashboard of the car with her one clean hand.

“Can we get a statement from you ma’am?” asked the police officer.

“Why of course,” she answered. But first, would you happen to have a wet nap that I could wipe my hands on?”

As the officer stepped back to his patrol car, Cece followed him closely behind. He handed her the wet nap, and she took one last moment to peer through the cruiser’s window at the back seat. She purposefully wiped her hand clean as a whistle, leaned in a little closer and put up only one finger and said to the boy, “Sh*t happens,” then turned and walked back to the officer to give her side of the story.

Psychic Chrystal Ball Predicts 2012 as ‘A Mighty Ugly Year’

2012-01-01T17:13:00.000-08:00

Ed. Note: It has come to my attention that after printing these predictions, some readers were confused as to the impossibility of a couple of the predictions coming true, necessitating further clarification.

#3 forgot to mention stock market crash mid-year

#5b forgot to mention that Texas Governor Rick Perry will become so enraged after learning he's not going to be POTUS that he took his state rogue

#8 was a flat out lie tucked neatly within the predictions to take advantage one last time of Charlie Sheen's fame before he finally fades into obscurity, which Chrystal Ball predicts that he will.

Hope this clears up the misconceptions.

*************************

World famous Chrystal Ball, self-proclaimed Psychic to the Stars, is at it again, but this time, she’s taking on more than just the entertainment industry. Miss Ball predicts that 2012 is going to be a mighty ugly year, and she warns that folks better get used to ugly because it will pretty much affect every person on the planet.

In her preamble to her ten most important predictions, Chrystal Ball says that not only will 2012 top 2011 as the worst year in recorded history, it won’t even come to a complete end, in the sense that the end is coming before the end of 2012. Confused? Well read on…

1) While blackbirds again will fall from the skies on New Year’s Day, the real surprise is that they will continue to fall throughout the year, causing great consternation among scientists who, because of the stress of trying to figure out the phenomenon, will become disoriented themselves and start walking into walls inexplicably, causing great injuries among some of the brightest minds in the world.

2) There will be a shortage of great scientists. (See #1)

3) Simon Cowell will lose his will to create new talent reality shows. As a result, he will end up penniless in a flat in Manchester, England strumming a second-hand guitar and weeping over photos of Scottish singing sensation, Susan Boyle.

4) World-class surfers will die by the hundreds trying to surf the upcoming surge of tsunamis around the world. New technology will make predicting tsunamis as easy as predicting thunderstorms, thereby pinpointing ideal situations for waves as high as 30 meters in some cases. Super surfboards will come equipped with body straps to keep the surfers strapped to the board for the long ride into downtown areas as far inland as 70-100 miles.

5) Ron Paul wins the GOP nomination and goes on to become the President of the United States. Paul attributes his political successes to all spectrums of the population saying that the liberals voted for him because he promised to end all wars and bring home all troops; the conservatives voted for him because as much as they disliked him, they disliked the alternatives more; and the centrists voted for him because as much as they say they want to pay taxes, the truth is, no one wants to pay taxes and Ron Paul said he wouldn’t make anyone pay taxes. That, and the fact that he chose Hulk Hogan as his running mate.

5a) The country falls into total disrepair due to the fact that no one is required to pay federal taxes any longer and the states just aren’t interested in mandating any new laws because it costs too much. Dallas, Texas becomes the nation’s capital and Ron Paul designates the set of Dallas as his new Presidential residence.

5b) Texas secedes from the Union leaving the United States without a leader.

6) Cardboard becomes one of the hottest commodities on the market as more and more families are forced out of their homes and left to build makeshift homes out of the appliance boxes and packing crates of the rich. School janitor becomes the hottest job in America as Newt Gingrich’s suggestion that school children be forced to clean their own schools to pay for school books and supplies catches fire. The Labor Department lowers the working age to 8 to accommodate the new working class (literally).

7) Piers Morgan is deported back to Surrey, England after being accused and found guilty of rigging major cricket matches for personal financial gain. Americans hold biggest party in the nation’s history.

8) Charlie Sheen falls off the wagon three more times before joining the Hari Krishnas and turning celibate in the sense that he promised to only date one woman at a time.

9) Major cities across America are bought by the Chinese. Won’s Won Ton Palace replaces McDonald’s as the hottest food franchise in the world.

10) The Mayans get the date 12/21/12 wrong by one day throwing the entire world into chaos and Christians into apoplectic shock.

Anderson Cooper Set to Propose to Kathy Griffin at Midnight

2011-12-31T07:19:00.000-08:00

Well, folks, you can stop wondering whether (1) Anderson Cooper is gay; (2) Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin are dating; (3) Kathy Griffin is really a guy; or (4) Kathy Griffin is really a guy, gay and dating Anderson Cooper who is also gay, because, evidently, after the ball drops in Times Square tonight, Cooper just may be setting himself up for an even bigger ball drop by proposing to Griffin.

Yep, you heard that right. Sources very close to Anderson Cooper claim that the nice guy of mainstream media fame is ready to propose to the most abrasive woman in show business (in his age group at least). Now all that is left is the answer.

Oddsmakers in Vegas say the sure money is on Kathy yelling ‘yes’ so loud, it will be heard over the noisemakers in Times Square where the two will be hosting “New Years Eve Live with Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin.” And they are pretty sure she’ll get something in there about being so excited she just peed her pants before jumping all over Cooper like a red-tufted lemur. There may also be nudity so it is advised that you might want to send the kiddies into the next room to watch “Night of the Walking Dead with Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest” instead.

Most of us can’t imagine what would possess mild-mannered newsman Cooper to go for the self-proclaimed diva whore of stand-up comedy who has openly said more than once that Cooper can’t help it if he was born gay.

“The only way we can possibly explain it,” says Cooper’s best friend Sanjay Gupta, “is that the rumors that the poles are shifting, causing a magnetic disturbance at the equator has somehow affected our Cooper’s thinking and he is just not himself.”

Meanwhile, Cooper remains mum on tonight’s proposal. “If you are asking me straight up if I am going to propose to that madwoman, the answer is a definite no. But, if you are asking me if I could be crazy enough to marry someone like Kathy Griffin, the answer is, ‘hell, man, I’ve stood in Japan in the middle of a nuclear meltdown and took radiation levels on myself for a 24-hour period.’ I think I can handle a firecracker like Griffin.”

Newt Gingrich Snags Vintage VW Bus for Iowa Tour

2011-12-28T07:36:00.000-08:00

These days, it’s all about the love when it comes to getting his message across to the voters of America, and Newt Gingrich is doing his level best to keep his temper under control and, in his words, “make this grassroots campaign a positive experience this time around.”

So, instead of seeing Newt show up at the Iowa Caucuses in a giant luxury bus with his and his wife’s faces splattered all over the side, Newt has snagged a vintage VW bus complete with peace signs and flowers painted on it, circa 1967.

“It’s a beaut,” says Newt. “This little wagon is gonna take us further than the Iowa Caucuses. It is going to take us all the way to the White House…figuratively speaking of course…it is a bit of a gas guzzler.”

Asked if he is just downsizing because the money isn’t flowing into his campaign as quickly as he had hoped, Newt said that wasn’t the case at all. “Truthfully,” he said, “I’m trying the angles that I think will get me the most votes and lack of funds doesn’t enter into the picture.”

Newt claims that just because he didn’t get involved in the 60’s protests, it doesn’t mean he can’t use something as nostalgic as a “Love Bus” to full advantage. “This tour based on peace and harmony is certainly going to resonate with the boomers, who incidentally make up about 60% of the voting base I’m going after,” says Newt.

Having already announced that he is trying to lighten up his campaign by launching a new site “Pets with Newt,” to pander to animal lovers, Newt says the “Love Bus” tour will be the defining moment in his campaign. Hoping to cash in on the popularity of the saying “Who Loves Ya Baby?” Newt says he’s just trying to bring himself down to the level of the older boomers who, after years of smoking weed, might need reminding just who would benefit them the most in the White House.

“A gentle prod here and there, and we’re off to the races,” says an upbeat Newt.

The only drawback to using a vintage VW bus for the Iowa tour is the fact that the inside still smells of pot and patchouli “and that,” says Gingrich’s tagalong mechanic, Gil Brachman, “might be a bit of a problem.” Brachman claims that Gingrich has to be quick to jump out of the side of the van before any of his supporters get a whiff of the inside. “Who knew the smell of pot could last decades inside one of these vans?” said Brachman.

To Newt, however, it is just another positive in a sea of negatives. “You know, if pot were legal in all 50 states, we could sell enough of it out of this van to upgrade to a top-of-the-line Chrysler Town and Country with all the bells and whistles,” he said jokingly to a group of 60-something hippies in Portland, OR just before taking off for Iowa.

You gotta hand it to him. Newt is the only candidate willing to morph into whatever character it takes to keep him in the GOP race regardless of his personal beliefs.

Tareq Salahi Talks Sex, Lies and Videotape to Prove It

2011-12-23T07:44:00.000-08:00

Tareq and Michaele Salahi

Inspiration for Hit Movie "True Lies"

Tareq Salahi is coming out with both guns blazing against his estranged wife, Michaele Salahi, during what one attorney described as one of the most boring celebrity divorce proceedings to ever hit the tabloids.

David Squire, attorney for a group of creditors trying to collect debts owed by the Salahis, claims that he is privy to some really raunchy goings on while the couple were a couple before Michaele left Tariq for musician Neil Schon. “Unfortunately,” he says “none of it is true. They’re both liars,” Squire told Weird News Weekly. It may take years to unravel the lies and deception these two leveled toward each other,” he added.

Tareq disagrees. “I have videotape to prove it, and I’m ready to disgrace myself and what little family I have left by releasing tapes of Michaele and me dressed up like monkeys and doing the tango, if the price is right.”

Tareq was then given the opportunity to retract the statement after it was discovered that the monkey suit he was wearing in the video was actually an ordinary tuxedo and Michaele could not be found anywhere in the room.

Tareq didn’t miss a beat as he then told the newspaper that he was actually an undercover agent for the CIA and only married Michaele to keep close tabs on her as she was considered one of the ringleaders of a Lithuanian Spy Group trying to break one of Washington D.C.’s most elite socialite codes.

For Michele’s part, the former model/cheerleader/college graduate/terminally ill patient says that Tareq is just making the whole thing up to make her look bad.

“He’s just jealous. I happen to know a little something about psychology, having received my Doctorate from Princeton,” said Michaele, “and if anyone is lying, it’s Tareq.”

Jim Sensenbrenner and Rush Limbaugh Big Fat Hippo-Crites

2011-12-22T11:50:00.000-08:00

This will be quick folks.

Wisconsin Senator, Jim Sensenbrenner has just been quoted as saying the first lady, Michelle Obama, “has a large posterior.”

Evidently the Senator was trying to make a point that Ms. Obama’s physique doesn’t necessarily match the good works she is doing by getting America’s kids off the couch and eating healthy foods to combat childhood obesity.

Back in February, Rush Limbaugh made basically the same charge against the first lady.

Take a look at this.

Jim Sensenbrenner

Rush Limbaugh

I have absolutely nothing further to say on the matter.

Christmas Cancelled at Last Minute, Stores Deluged with Returns

2011-12-21T08:56:00.000-08:00

No one saw it coming. The GOP surely wouldn’t make a move that would be so wildly unpopular with the majority of working America that it could jeopardize Christmas for the 99% who are trying to squeak by with just a tad of dignity intact.

Alas, Virginia, there will be no Christmas this year. Upon hearing the news that GOP lawmakers in the House voted down the measure to keep payroll tax cuts at least for the next couple of months, shoppers began pouring into the stores—not to buy more stuff but to return that which they thought they might be able to afford this year.

“We’re inundated with everything from Lego Building Blocks to Sony laptops,” said Marjorie Cartright, head cashier who is pulling double and triple duty at the Customer Service counter at Wal-Mart. “I’m sure glad the store will be open 24/7 up to Christmas, cause we are gonna need all that time just to get the merchandise back on the shelves.”

It would take a miracle to make the GOP House members realize their actions have ruined what could have been at least a mediocre Christmas for all those folks trying to pull themselves up by the bootstraps, as former GOP candidate Herman Cain suggested.

“I can’t afford boots,” said Mitzy Warner, as she struggled with two shopping carts full of Christmas gifts she was returning to the local Target store near her home in Kalamazoo, Michigan. “Thank God I had the foresight to knit some sweaters and scarves over the past one and a half years that I’ve been unemployed.” Warner claims that those knitted items will make an otherwise bleak Christmas at least palatable for her husband and three young boys.

Meanwhile, the local grocers are baffled as to how to ‘take back’ groceries that have no apparent defects. “Sure, we can take back the staples such as macaroni and cheese and canned items, but we’re not sure those partially thawed hams and turkeys are going to make it through the refund process,” said Noel Weinstock, assistant cashier at Kroger’s, who claims that although she is Jewish, even her family is feeling the pinch.

“There’ll be no dreidels spinning at our house this year,” claimed Noel with a whistful sigh.

Thank goodness the Mercedes and Porche dealers are doing alright, as well as other luxury item retailers. They are, in fact, reporting record sales for this past quarter.

“At least some families will be singing ‘We wish you a merry Christmas’ and actually meaning it this year,” said Wilberforce Billingsley, owner of several luxury vehicle dealerships in Chevy Chase, Maryland. “Without us, Christmas just might never have happened this year.”

Ashton Kutcher Claims He’d Be a Fantastic Model if He Weren’t Such an Awesome Actor

2011-12-20T20:35:00.000-08:00

"Wait a sec, that isn't me" said Ashton Kutcher
as he was being congratulated on his wardrobe choice

Looking quite dashing in a turquoise blue velvet waistcoat and matching ascot the other evening while waiting for the attendant to bring his car around, we took the opportunity to ask Ashton Kutcher if he ever considered becoming a model instead of an actor.

“Why, no, not officially,” was Kutcher’s answer. “But now that you mention it, I’m sure I would make one fantastic model if it weren’t for my awesome acting career.”

One has to agree that people like Ashton Kutcher have more talent in their little pinky than most of us do in our index and ring fingers combined. Kutcher seemed happy for the opportunity to discuss just how talented he is.

Without prompting, he continued “Why, I’ll bet you if I put my mind to it, I could even sing opera. I have a feeling that if I weren’t such a darned good actor, I’d probably be appearing right now at the Metropolitan Opera House,” he said, unable to mask his self-adoration. “Of course, I don’t really like opera all that well, but I guess I could stomach it if that’s what my fans wanted.”

Reflecting further, the unabashed celebrity told us that he would love to try his hand at painting as well, or photography, but that once he created his first masterpiece, he’d be so busy keeping up with the demand for his art that he wouldn’t be able to audition for upcoming parts in television shows.

“It is just a matter of time before Two and a Half Men films its last episode,” said Kutcher, “and then I’ll be in such high demand that I just couldn’t see myself doing anything other than starring in films, television ads, and plays. I am just that incredible,” he said. “But thanks ever so much for asking.”

Six Million Dollar Man Needs Two Million Dollar Overhaul

2011-12-18T07:17:00.000-08:00

When Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man, felt a kink in his neck, he went to his favorite laboratory technician, Mary Weather, for an adjustment.

“I have to sleep on my side these days,” said the bionic wonder, “and my hearing doesn’t seem to be as clear and far reaching as it once was.” Austin told Weather, who was performing a routine examination on him.

“Are you having trouble in the…ah…hem…you know, git’r’up department, Steve?” she asked.

“As a matter of fact,” Austin replied, “the bionic woman was just complaining about that the other day. Up until recently,” he told the doctor “we were both pretty much convinced that that part of me had been replaced after the accident as well.”

The news Austin got next was a complete shock. Weather told him that in order to give him bionic hearing as well as making him bionic in the bedroom, he would be looking at close to two million dollars in parts.

“Where am I gonna come up with that kind of money?” Austin asked. “With all the budget cuts on science programs the past couple of years, I can’t rely on getting anything from the government, even if a Republican is elected into office next year.”

Dr. Weather explained to Austin that with inflation the way it is, the price of specialty electronics is through the roof. She told him that he could use an ordinary Miracle Ear, but with all the wiring in his body, that would only make his hearing worse. In all likelihood, he was going to need bionic implants in both ears.

In addition, Dr. Weather said the bulk of the expense would be the erectile upgrade. “Seriously,” she said, “we can’t just strap something on you, Steve. We’d have to special order it, and the price of latex is astronomical now with the oil shortage and all.”

Austin claims he makes a pretty good living traveling the science fair circuit and peeling back part of the skin on his face and legs to show folks who pay to see it and what not, but by the time he pays the mortgage on his undervalued home and gets his monthly lube job, he barely has enough left to enjoy life let alone spring for a bionic overhaul. “Do you know how much batteries are going for these days?” he asked to no one in particular.

Dr. Weather told Austin that there was one possibility to bring the price of the overhaul within the Six Million Dollar Man’s Budget.

“We can order the parts from China,” she said. “That should cut the price overall down to around a half million tops.”

Gay “Gotcha” Moments in the Media Make for Interesting Conversation

2011-12-13T19:43:00.000-08:00

From Jerry Sandusky’s attorney to Westboro Baptist Churchgoers, it seems just about every high profile person in the media these days is tasting the bitterness of one’s own foot in one’s own mouth when it comes to gay-related issues.

Take Sandusky’s attorney, Joseph Amendola who, when asked if he believed his client was innocent, told the crowd that anyone who believes his client is guilty should call 1-800-REALITY. For just a second or two, the attorney obviously thought he had come up with a very clever “Johnny Cochran” response, but quickly found out he wasn’t so clever after all. 1-800-REALITY just happens to be the number to a gay sex hotline. Talk about your serendipitous moments.

Then there is the Westboro Baptist Church member who showed up at a protest wearing a Glee t-shirt. As most everyone knows by now, Westboro Baptist Church’s founder is notoriously anti-gay and his congregation is best known for protests at U.S. servicemembers’ funerals.

The girl wearing the Glee t-shirt claims she was not aware of that particular show and how it was extremely gay-friendly. She claimed her sister handed her the t-shirt to wear just before she headed out to the protests.

Indeed. Perhaps there are a few things about her sister the churchgoer should have known before trusting her with a wardrobe suggestion.

And finally, the exchange that recently took place between an openly gay Vietnam veteran and GOP candidate Mitt Romney. Without revealing that he was homosexual, Bob Garon, a gay military veteran asked Mitt Romney straight up if, as President, he would repeal New Hampshire’s same-sex marriage law.

Romney, obviously not knowing Garon was gay, didn’t hesitate when he answered that he believed marriage was strictly between a man and a woman and that he would repeal the law if elected President. Romney then went on to speak for the founding fathers when he told Garon that he was sure the Constitution defined marriage as only between a man and a woman, to which Garon told Romney it was good to know that he (Romney) didn’t believe in everyone’s constitutional rights.

Mr. Garon, perhaps you should make a visit to Newt Gingrich next. Seems he could use some comeuppance as well.

Prisons Change to Blue Flannel Jumpsuits; Shankings Down

2011-12-12T10:37:00.000-08:00

Lee Henry Morgan, Warden at California’s San Quentin Prison is breathing a sigh of relief these days as the number of shankings in this infamously dangerous prison have decreased greatly over the past several months.

“I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes,” said Morgan of the almost humane way prisoners are now treating each other on a daily basis.

Morgan credits a deputy warden’s suggestions with bringing about such an incredible change. “We have LeRoy Perkins to thank for accomplishing what no other man before him has been able to accomplish. When he first told us his idea, we all laughed in his face, but now, we thank him every day for his courage to speak up.”

Morgan, is, of course, referring to the change in dress code for the dangerous prisoners who call San Quentin home. “We got rid of the orange cotton jumpsuits and replaced them with blue flannel ones,” said Morgan. “Who knew a simple change in fabric could have such amazing results.”

Perkins was asked how he came up with such an odd idea.

“Well, as long as we keep this from the prisoners, I’ll tell you just how this idea came about,” said Perkins. “I was at home a few months ago and for some reason I just could not get warm. I was in a foul mood, barking at my wife and kids and just behaving badly in general. My wife brought me her blue Snuggie that she got for Christmas last year and told me to put my arms in it, wrap it around myself and see if that would warm me up.”

Perkins said he felt foolish, but was ready to try anything. As soon as he put on the Snuggie, Perkins claims he was transformed into a cuddly teddy bear. “I thought to myself, if this can calm me down, why not those prisoners,” and that is when he decided to make the suggestion. He bought a Snuggie for his supervisor, and the rest is history.

“Flannel has a very calming effect,” claims prison psychologist Rose Almandone. “And the color blue is just so much more calming than orange. We have a new saying here at the prison now, if you’re blue, you’re happy.”

The program is so successful that San Quentin is quickly becoming a model prison and other high-risk prisons are looking to change their prison wear lines as well. “We may even, at some point, replace the sneakers given prisoners with fleece-lined slippers, that is, if we can find it in the budget,” said Sam “the Slam” Watkins, Commissioner of California’s prison system.

Bigfoot in Gated Community Violates HOA Rules

2011-12-09T06:54:00.000-08:00

The joke starts out “How do you get rid of a 700 pound Bigfoot?” Of course, the answer is obvious, “You complain to the president of the HOA.” That is pretty much what happened in real life at the Sunny Acres Waterside Condos in Orlando, Florida.

A story in the Orlando Sentinel has everyone on the east side of Orlando looking twice out their patio doors this week as there have been several alleged bigfoot sightings at Sunny Acres. The community’s HOA has been put on high alert. The sightings are all emanating from one residence, that of Harry Peterson, a Korean War veteran, who has lived at Sunny Acres for almost a decade. Peterson claims he doesn’t know what the hubbub is all about.

“I live at the danged place and I haven’t seen anything suspicious,” claims Harry, who was preparing to put a dish of diced sirloin on the patio for the stray cat he claims has been hanging around lately.

“That ain’t no cat Harry’s feeding,” said neighbor Gladys Kravitz, who is one of the residents who swears she has seen the bigfoot, or skunk ape as many in Florida refer to such creatures. Gladys and several of the neighbors she’s told the story to have banded together and complained to the HOA about Harry harboring a bigfoot.

“While I can’t find it specifically within the pages of the Declaration,” said Gladys, “I’m sure something like this is completely against the rules,” she said as she was readying herself to meet some neighbors for karaoke night at the clubhouse.

Meanwhile, Harry says he will fight the HOA on the issue. “I got a letter demanding I get rid of the skunk ape within ten days or I am going to face fines and possible eviction from the community. How the hell can I get rid of an imaginary creature?” he asked.

Harry says he hasn’t heard of anything as ridiculous as this since his pal, Sol Weinstein, faced heavy fines last year for painting his front door red and refusing to remove a peace sign bumper sticker from his Prius. “At some point in time, you have to ask yourself if you really care that your neighbor is parking his RV alongside his home.”

President Obama to Host GOP Presidential Debate as Christmas Gift from Michelle

2011-12-09T05:52:00.001-08:00

Mr. Gingrich, Newt if I may, aren't you the slightest bit happy
that I took on the credit card industry? I mean, I must have
saved you a bundle on your Tiffany's account alone...

Everyone these days, from Fox News to Donald Trump, is jumping on the bandwagon and having a go at hosting a GOP Presidential Debate. The topics so far have covered foreign affairs, domestic policy, and, of course, lesser topics such as the scandal du jour. In fact, it’s gotten so bad that you can’t turn on your television anymore without watching the candidates re-hash old issues while re-bashing each other’s track records.

While most of the debates have been hosted by bona fide political organizations and news channels, the latest news that Donald Trump is hosting his own debate, to which only two candidates have agreed to participate, leads one to wonder who the heck could trump a Trump Debate?

Well wonder no more. As a special Christmas gift to her fabulously wonderful husband (her words), Michelle Obama has pulled some strings and has arranged for Barack Obama to moderate his own GOP Presidential Debate. Dubbed “The King of the Hill Debate,” Michelle says she has pulled out all the stops to make this one of the most memorable GOP Debates of the election year.

“Barack has pretty much let a lot of stuff roll off his back,” said Michelle in announcing the debate gift during a women’s luncheon meeting. “But I was kind of getting tired of his pillow talk…Newt Gingrich this, Herman Cain that, Rick Perry is an idiot…you know, it kind of grates on you after a while, so I decided to give my hubby the chance to show his superiority outright in front of cameras and hopefully put an end to all this nonsense.”

Michelle Obama also says one of the main reasons she decided to make this debate happen is the fact that no real answers to real questions have been given in any of the debates so far. She believes her husband can break the cycle of self-serving question and answer sessions and get down to the real issues. While the questions have not yet been released to the press, it has been leaked that the President is really looking forward to putting the GOP candidates on the hot seat.

“Michelle could not have given me a greater gift if she tried,” said Obama at a recent fundraiser. “According to the rules made up by Michelle, I’m allowed to ask them anything I want, including who is the President of Kazakhstan, how to actually spell Kazakhstan, and make them point to it on a map of the world. This is going to be so great.” Obama also says he’s hoping to get to the bottom of the birther thing once and for all.

“While I am fully aware of what these folks are saying behind my back, don’t you think it will be a hoot to see them squirm when asked a direct question? I am going to grill them like kielbasa at a tailgater,” said the President with a smile.

So far, only one candidate has agreed to participate in Obama’s debate. Newt Gingrich, who claims he simply cannot afford to sit even this one out said, “I am the frontrunner now. I have to prove I can go up against even myself in this debate to keep the momentum going. And, he added, “I just wish Rick Perry would agree to show up as well. All he has to do is stand there and I look like the million dollar candidate.”

An Off-Color Christmas Album-Hit #1: I'm Rolling My Balls in Sugar

2011-12-06T17:26:00.000-08:00

I'm Rolling My Balls in Sugar

I'm rolling my balls in sugar
The perfect Christmas gift
To send to all my lovely friends
It gives them quite a lift

I soak them in a bit of rum
And dry them overnight
Then roll in sugar and wrap them,
To make them taste just right.

My balls are always the right size
To pop right in your mouth
Just make sure you don't eat them all
Or you could end up soused.

I'm rolling my balls in sugar
The perfect Christmas gift
To send to all my lovely friends
It gives them quite a lift.

If you don't like my Christmas balls
There's no ifs, ands, or buts
I'll make another treat for you
A great big sack of nuts.

Atlanta Housewife Kim Zolciak Reveals Herman Cain Was ‘Big Poppa’

2011-12-04T16:52:00.000-08:00

Newlywed, Kim Zolciak of Real Housewives of Atlanta fame dropped a bombshell yesterday by revealing that the man who paid for her lavish lifestyle in Atlanta was none other than Herman Cain.

“I had everyone wondering who Big Poppa was for the longest time,” said Zolciak. “I just didn’t know how to handle telling the world that Mr. Godfather Pizza was my sugar daddy, so I lied and let everyone believe it was Lee Najjar.”

Kim says people need to know something about her, that she’s not as dumb as she appears. “As soon as Big Poppa (aka Cain) told me he was interested in running for President of the United States, I decided to get myself out of that deal and quick. Hell,” she said, “he could never afford me on a President’s salary.”

As for Najjar, who made his money in real estate, Zolciak said she couldn’t believe people fell for that lie either. “I knew the real estate market would eventually go bust. I shudder to think what would have happened if I’d have fallen for Lee as a sugar daddy. I’d be broke as a church mouse right about now,” she said.

Zolciak says the only way to go these days is to latch onto someone in the entertainment business or in sports. “That’s where the money is. I chose Kroy (Biermann) because I knew the NFL strike wouldn’t last. I’m just so psychic when it comes to finding the right sugar daddy.”

Friends close to Kim agree. They say that Kim has a sixth sense when it comes to getting out of a relationship just when the going gets tough and finding someone to pick up where the other left off, so that her shopping habits never have to suffer. “She just knows when the well is about to run dry,” said Mitzi Moynihan, a close personal friend of Kim’s. Moynihan also let slip that Kim asked for and received one last gift from Cain before telling him to hit the road. "He paid for Kim's entire wedding to Kroy."

Meanwhile, in response to Zolciak’s statement, Herman Cain totally denied the allegations. “I don’t even watch that show,” said the now defunct Presidential candidate

Typos in Small Town Newspaper Story Puts Herman Cain in Awkward Position

2011-11-26T08:32:00.000-08:00

The Leaderville Picayune-Messenger is in hot water after a typo throughout a news article wasn’t caught in time. The error is making Herman Cain out to be one horny old man, but this time, it was not intentional.

Evidently, whoever edited the story about Herman Cain moving out in front of the elections once again this past week didn’t realize they did a global replace, making the news story about Cain’s erection, not election. While the story has been retracted, the damage has been done. Here are some excerpts in case you missed the original story.

“…and while Herman Cain believes his growing erection results are a clear indication that he’s the front runner once more…”

“…not only is Mr. Cain proud of the erection results he’s achieved in the past…”

“It is the women I want to impress in the upcoming erections,” said Cain as he…

“Mr. Cain told the crowd of a hundred or so supporters that his erection results couldn’t have come at a better time. ‘I’m ready, willing and able to get this job done,’ said Cain.”

“About his past meteoric rise in the erection polls, Herman Cain was quick to point out that he, alone, made it happen. My wife, God love her, doesn’t like erections all that much…”

“While Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich have both experienced good erection results of late, it is Herman Cain who may just outlast them all…”

“It’s erection time folks, and I just want to keep this up for as long as I can…”