I Wanna Be An Iron Mommy

Mommy Guilt

2010-10-29T12:38:00.003-04:00

Is there anything as powerful as Mommy Guilt? Has anything ever happened with your kids that you just can't let go of that shoulda, coulda, woulda?

My oldest is 14. He has been in Halloween Costume parades since he was barely more than a month old. Starting in day care. I have made it to every single one. Except the year he was 9 and in 4th grade. It was easy when he was a baby. I worked at his day care. Then when he was three, and I had gotten a job somewhere else, I made it a point to take the time off from work to go. When he started kindergarten, I started back to college, so it was easy to make it.

When he was in 4th grade, I started my current job. In fact, my first day of work was on Halloween. There was no way I would make it to the costume parade. He was a little saddened by that fact, as was I. But this was going to be our new reality. Mommy was working again full time now and couldn't make it to all the school functions anymore. After school, the Big One was now going to a sitters house. And daddy was the one who would be picking him up. I took Bubba to and picked him up from his day care center. When I got out of work, and got home, it was a mad dash to eat dinner and get the boys ready for trick-or-treating. That was when we discovered, The Big One had left an essential part of his costume at school. OH. NO!

The boy was now in tears. Now what? It was time to go out with his friends to fill a pillow case full of crap! We had no costume. The school was locked. Fortunately I'm a saver (borderline horder). And we had lots of old costumes in the basement. So we pieced something together. But it wasn't what he wanted to be. It wasn't what he had planned.

Ever since then, I make sure to take at least part of the day off from work on Halloween, or the day school celebrates and has the party and parade. Granted, The Big One only had one more parade the next year in 5th grade. Once you go to middle school and start switching classes, there is no more parade. But Bubba started preschool, so his parades were there to fill in where The Big Ones left off.

So, today, I took a half day of work, unpaid since I am out of vacation time for the year. And here I sit at home, waiting for 2 o'clock when I get to go stand outside of his elementary school in the wind and cold to watch my Bubba be one of 50 other kids dressed as Mario. Because the guilt of that fateful, costume-less Halloween, when I had the nerve to start a job and not be there for my boy, will weigh heavily on me for the rest of my life.

A Tri-ing Question

2010-10-29T06:38:00.003-04:00

Ok, I have a question I've been dying to ask my fellow female triathletes. And since all 9 of my blog followers are women (and if I ever reach 10 I'm gonna throw myself a party), I guess this is the best place to ask the question. So, if you are a male who happened to accidentally start reading one of my posts for the first time ever, I apologize. You can stop reading now. Unless you have a wife, girlfriend, sister, mother, or daughter who is a triathlete and can help you answer my question.

Here it goes. What the heck do you do if you have your period on race day? I mean, I guess if it's a sprint, or intermediate distance it wouldn't be that big a deal. But a half or a full? Seriously. I wouldn't be able to make it that long with out doing something about it. So what do you do? I've only done three tri's so far, and haven't had the issue. However, it's something I check the calender for as the race day approaches. Wondering how I would handle if the racing schedule and the menstrual schedule were to have a conflict.

I know this is something I've been having to put up with for more than half of my life. Ideally, I think we should go back to the good ol' days of The Red Tent where we can go into hiding for one week out of the month. It would be to the benefit of all of those around me. Trust me on this one. If you haven't read the book, I suggest it. One of my all time faves. But that's getting us off topic.

So, please. Someone. Anyone. I'm begging you. Help me get this giant, red monkey off my back. I need have a plan for this. Because if i do as many races as I would like to next year, this very well may need to be addressed.

I thank you for your answers. And feel free to be candid. We're all girls here.

Playlist

2010-10-28T06:54:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I was in a bad mood after work, and needed to destress on my way home. I didn't want to bring my grumpiness home to the boys. So, I decided it was time to play my pre-race playlist.
On the way to every race, tri or running, I listen to the same playlist. Part of it is now "supersition" or routine, but part of it is because each of the songs plays a part in calming me down, and then pumping me back up again.

First on my playlist is Coplands Fanfare For the Common Man and Appalachian Spring. These songs are from my previous life when I was in colorguard. Particularly the Shaker Melody. I marched to this song in marching band, and can visualize the entire show in my head. Mentally performing the moves helps to bring me to a very good place. I tend to see the music, not just hear it. Flags spinning, girls dancing. And there was one performace when I smacked a judge with my flag during the final impact. I can almost feel it every time the song gets to that part. Plus it's just beautiful music.

The next on my pre-race playlist is Neil Diamond's Coming to America. I love Neil Diamond. There is one song of his that I dread hearing at weddings, simply because everyone sings it to me, but other than that, Neil Diamond rocks. This song really has meaning to me though. In 2005-2006 my little brother was deployed to Iraq. It was a very hard year for my entire family. I couldn't watch the news, for fear of hearing that a soldier died, and having to wait for the dreaded news that it may have been him. Toward the 12 month mark, we knew he would be coming home soon. One Sunday morning I was driving to church alone, and Coming to America played on the radio. Suddenly a feeling came over me, and I just knew he was home. Once at church, my dad came and sat in the pew next to me and whispered in my ear "Matthew called, he's landed in the U.S. and will be home today." Tears of joy streamed down my face. Ever since that day, that song helps bring me to a very spiritual place. A place that puts my soul at peace. A place I need to be before a race.

And then finally, the last song on my race day list is from the children's cartoon, Backyardigans. It's called Racing Day. This song was in my head the morning of my first Iron Girl. Because it was the day I had been looking forward to and training for for months. It was finally racing day. So it's now the final song I listen to, before getting out of my car. To pump me up, and put me in the mood.

I didn't make it through all the songs on my way home from work. But the ones I did helped me to be ready to be a better mom than I would have been had I not taken the time to destress in that way. And I know the music helps me to be a better triathlete, or runner on racing day.

One Month

2010-10-26T06:56:00.002-04:00

One month ago today, he moved out.

And we are surviving. Bubba started the Bannan Splits Club at school yesterday, The Big One is meeting with his guidance counselor once a week, and I'm holding myself together somehow.

I've cooked dinner more in the last month than the last 14 years. And I'm proud to say, we haven't had pizza once! I did resort to McDonald's one night for the boys, but only because I had to mow the lawn, and had a limited window of daylight. But other than that, we've been eating very nutritious dinners. The boys haven't complained about my cooking either. We've also been doing a big breakfast on Sunday mornings. But, I am running out of quick, not expensive, ideas. The fact that the oven is on the fritz limits me a lot. So, send me your crock-pot, microwave, toaster oven, stove top, or grilled recipes!

There have been a total of four nights that I've been completely kidless in the last month. Bubba has been away more nights than that, but The Big One is usually with me. I don't like being in the house all by myself. It's weird.

My running has not happened as often as I want, but I'm fitting it in when I can.

The TV viewing in the house has gone down drastically. Lots more book reading, and just hanging out.

So, we've survived a month of this. I know now that I can do it. I'm stronger than I thought. And my boys are wonderful. They have their moments when I want to lock them in their rooms, or send them to visit daddy for a while, but I couldn't have made it a month without them. Or my awesome friends.

Old Dog

2010-10-24T21:15:00.003-04:00

I finally got to get back in the water tonight! First time swimming since late August when I did an open water swim with Coach Kelly. And I haven't been in a pool since mid-July when I put my membership at the Y on hold. I signed up for the highest level tri swim clinic they offer. I'm not an awesome swimmer, but I can hold my own in the pool. And I took the level three all last season, so I was fairly certain, even with a few months off, that I was going to do ok.
So, I knew in advance my young tri friend Erin is in the class, and we both got to the locker room at the same time. There were no other female's in the locker room. She commented that she hoped we aren't the only two people in the class. And neither one of us had any clue who the teacher was. We walked out to the pool, and there were 4 or 5 men waiting for the class to start. Not young kids, but men, who all looked older than me (and I'm old) .Uh Oh! From previous classes, I know the guys always kick my butt, and I know Erin is faster than me, so I'm thinking I am in the wrong level for sure. We all got into the water, and the instructor, who's name has left my short term memory, had us do 50 for a warm up. Erin and I left those boys in our wake! And we continued to do so the entire class.
The instructor taught us several drills, that we will incorporate into our endurance work outs after this week. She was very good. I can tell after just one class that this is way more geared toward triathlon training than last season. But, I can also tell you, no matter how many times she has us do side swimming, or the six kick switch, my hips ain't moving when I go back to doing the regular crawl. I tried. And I told her I know I'm not doing it. She said at least I can admit it, because everyone else always insists that they are rotating.
Here's the thing people. I've been swimming for over 30 years (told you I was old!) and up until today, nobody has ever told me I need to rotate my entire body in the water. Not at my swimming lessons on the beach when I was 3, not when I was on the swim team when I was 12, and not last season when that boy who was born the year I graduated from high school was teaching the tri swim classes. Never. So, I think you would have an easier time teaching my parent's 13 year old arthritic dog to fetch than you would getting me to turn into Elvis while I swim. This old dog isn't learning a new trick! And don't even get me started on breathing on both sides...

Sports Bra Friends

2010-10-23T12:13:00.003-04:00

I have the most amazing group of friends. Both my "real" or irl (in real life) friends and my on-line friends have been so supportive these last few months. Every time I'm down in the dumps, and ready to throw in the towel, somebody is there to pick me back up, dust me off, and point me in the right direction. So many of them have believed in me when I no longer believed in myself. And this is true in both my every day life, and my training.
There are many days I only get out of bed because there are two boys who count on me. And I cry in the shower because it's the only place I know they won't see me. By the time I get to work on those days, I'm ready to turn around, drive home, crawl into bed, and pull the covers over my head because I just don't think I can do it. Then, I log on to Twitter, or Facebook, or BabyCenter, and somebody, somewhere makes me feel loved. They make me realize that I'm going to be ok, I'm going to survive. Things will get better.
There are also days that the last thing in the world I can imagine doing is training for another race. How can a single mom, with not a lot of income, compete in tri's anymore? I don't have the time or money to train for these things anymore. Then one of you drags my sorry butt out of bed before the crack of dawn on a gorgeous Saturday morning to go for a run. And when I want to stop, I'm encouraged to keep running. Then someone posts a link for a free training program that I can follow to do a 70.3. And I realize, I can do this. I need to do this. For me. And for my boys.

So, to all of my awesome friends out there, who are as supportive as a really good sports bra, I thank you.

Great Posts

2010-10-22T07:07:00.002-04:00

When I lay awake at night, I come up with wonderful posts to share with my hoards of readers. Well written, sometimes funny, sometimes serious. The ideas I have at 2 a.m. are plentiful.

Then, I get up at 5:30 (or days like today, when neither I nor the Big One set our alarm, 6:15)
and the ideas are either not so good, or gone. I think about getting up, and typing them out, but know that I need to just go back to sleep. And I always promise myself I will remember them in the morning.

Well, last night, while I was awake from before 2 until after 4, watching quality late night and early morning television programing, I had a great post written in my head.

And now, it's gone.

But I assure you, it was phenomenal.

Someday

2010-10-21T06:16:00.002-04:00

Someday, I will place in my age group in a triathlon...

Someday, I will run a half marathon...

Someday, I will complete a 70.3...

Someday, I will run in the Boston Marathon...

Someday, I will compete in Lake Placid Ironman...

Lofty goals, for a woman who hasn't even been running 2 full years. But I feel, deep down, these will all happen. Like my current 5k time, they may not happen as quickly as I hope, but I'll stick to my motto:

I may not be first, I may not be fast, but I will ALWAYS finish....someday.

All I Wanted Was A Puppy

2010-10-19T20:53:00.003-04:00

In December of 2003 we bought our first house. I was going to school full time to become a speech pathologist and nannying for a little 2 year old girl part time, the Big One was in 2nd grade. Life was good. When my mother in law went on vacation the end of January, right after the Spring semester had started, her yellow lab stayed with us. By the time she came home, The Big One and I had convinced the husband that maybe we should get a dog. I started making plans for what kind of puppy I was going to get.
The beginning of February I was exhausted. Having a hard time making it through my night classes. I figured being a mom, nanny, and full time student was taking it's toll on me. Then it dawned on me, I might be late. So, I stopped on my way home and bought a two pack of tests. I took one. Instant positive. I took the second, just to be sure, yup, still positive. The husband was quite happy. I was in shock.
The next morning I called my mid-wife's office to schedule an appointment. Her nurse asked for what. I told her I thought I might be pregnant. To which she asked what made me think that. My reply "the two tests that said I was". She laughed and said that yes, I was probably pregnant. I then said "all I wanted was a puppy".

October 19, 2004 after a long night of back labor, at 6:26 a.m. my Bubba came screaming into the world. He was not happy about being born. But we were so happy to finally meet him. I may have wanted a dog, but what God had in mind was so much better. I didn't know that something in my life was missing until he came into it. He is the sweetest, funniest, most genuine little boy I have ever met. I start and end my day snuggling with him, and I can't imagine my life without him. He is my reason for being most days, as is his big brother.

All I wanted was a puppy. But what I needed was a Bubba.

Happy 6th Birthday Bubba. I love you.

Size Matters

2010-10-14T21:12:00.002-04:00

A few weeks ago, the boys had their check ups. The Big One has been dying to break 100 for over a year. He is 5' 6.5", and finally weighed 100 lbs at his 14 year check up. He stepped off the scale with a "YES!"
I still remember the day I hit 100 lbs. I was a senior in high school. I was 5'7" and weighed under 100 lbs. And I was proud of that fact. I was hoping to never hit three digits until getting pregnant some day. Then, in the middle of my senior year, I stepped on the scale and it said 100. I cried. And didn't eat for days. Took diet pills. It truly bothered me.
I was never the pretty one, or the smart one, or the funny one, or the cute one. I was the skinny one. It was how I identified myself, and how others identified me. Not being skinny scared me. A lot. It was who I was. I wore a size 0. If I had to buy a size 2 I was disappointed in myself.
By the time I graduated, and left for college, I weighed 105 lbs. When I came home for Christmas, my mother and I went shopping, I had to buy new pants. Size 4. We went to the food court for lunch, and my mother commented on my food choice, saying "What, do you want to have to buy a size 6?"
The scale over the next 3 years crept up, and up. Little did I know, I had grown 2 inches and was now 5' 9". When I went for my first prenatal appointment, at almost 21 years old, and 4 months pregnant, I weighed in at 118 lbs. At the end of the pregnancy I was 60lbs heavier. Luckily, I lost the weight quickly. 122 lbs by the time The Big One was 6 weeks old. A few times my weight would go up, and one of my parents would kindly point in out to me ("It took your mom three kids to get that big...") and I would make sure to get it back down to below 130 again.
When I found out I was pregnant with Bubba, at the age of 28, I was up to 127 lbs. And again gained 60 lbs. This time, it took almost a year, but got down to 125 before his first birthday.
Over the past 6 years I've yoyo'd up and down, getting down to 120 several times. And panicking any time I go above 130.
I admit, I step on the scale several times a week. And on bad days, several times a day. I love seeing the numbers go down. And in the back of my mind, even though I know it is irrational, I would love to see them go all the way down to 100 again.

Motivate Me

2010-10-14T06:00:00.001-04:00

I need some help. I've turned back into that person who has more excuses than motivation. He has been gone for three weeks. In that time I've been running once. That's it. I have gone from the girl at work yelling at people for making up reasons why they can't fit in any work outs, to the lazy woman laying in bed, turning off her alarm, and rolling over for an extra half hour of sleep.
I have skipped two planned events (a 15k and a bike ride for cancer). I feel like a blob again.
So, please, someone, motivate me. Someone make me not give in to my inner couch potato. Drag my butt out of bed first thing in the morning for a run. Or make me get myself to the bike ride Sunday morning. Don't let me give up on myself.
The Jingle Bell Run is on November 21. I need to do that event, and PR in it. Then the Turkey Trot 10k is Thanksgiving morning. I need to PR there too. Who's going to make sure I hold myself accountable for this goal?
Oh, Wait, That would have to be me. Nobody else can get in my head and make me do it. I need to remember that in order to be a good mom, I need to be a happy and healthy mom. Not running makes me not happy. Not feeling good about myself, and being tired and crabby is a direct result of me not making the time to at least get a half hour run in every day.
So, tonight, regardless, I will run. Even if it has to be at 9 pm, after Bubba is in bed, I will run.
And I will not let anything stop me.

Crazy

2010-10-12T19:47:00.003-04:00

I am pretty sure I will never have alone time for the next 12 years. Until Bubba goes to college. One or both of these children is always with me. What ever happened to every other weekend?
I need a break. And a nap. And a nice long run.
Calgon..........

Seriously, I know I'm complaining a lot. I suppose it could be much worse and I could never get to see them. But I'm tired. And I miss my evening runs.

Awesome

2010-10-10T19:37:00.004-04:00

This is my first born son. Playing soccer. Isn't he amazing? I stare at this picture. A lot. And try to figure out how the heck I created such an awesome kid. Look at him. I am so proud to be his mom. And so lucky to have him in my life. Every time I think, I just can't take it anymore, that I am ready to throw in the towel, run a way, give up on life as I know it, I picture this. Perfection that is my child. I don't think he will ever realize how important he is to me. How he has saved my life. Just by being.

I Should Buy Dryer Sheets

2010-10-10T08:27:00.003-04:00

On our way home from his soccer game Friday, the Big One had a bone to pick with me.
"So, I was in the locker room, getting ready for my game, and when I pulled my soccer shorts out of my bag a pair of your underwear came flying out!"
Just what a 14 year old needs. A pair of his mom's underwear. Thankfully he was alone in the locker room at the time. And thankfully they were the most boring pair of underwear I own. But he was still mortified by what could have been. Imagine if he had been with the entire soccer team and my shamrock thong came flying out of his bag!
I'm going grocery shopping today. I think I'll pick up a box of Bounce.

Funny Bubba

2010-10-08T09:36:00.002-04:00

He doesn't do it on purpose, but the boy makes me laugh.
He came up to me this morning to tell me his stomach hurt. I asked him if he thought maybe he needed to poop (we've had issues with this in the past, ending up in the er because of it once)
His response was "Yes, but there isn't enough toilet paper for me to go."
Love that boy. Instead of just asking me to get the toilet paper, because he knows how busy and stressed out I am, he just lets me know he has a tummy ache.

A Must Read

2010-10-07T18:54:00.003-04:00

Not that I have a lot of followers, but in case any of the handful of my readers didn't see this on twitter or facebook, I wanted to post it here as well.
Single Dad Laughing has a very good post about bullying. It should be read by all parents, teachers, kids, grandparents. Seriously, go check it out. And then share it with everyone you know.
I made The Big One read it. He read the entire thing, which is impressive, because it is a little lengthy, and he has a strong dislike for reading. So, please, go read it. Now.

Sit Back Down!

2010-10-07T06:46:00.002-04:00

Remember how I was concerned about Bubba not standing to pee? Well, he stands now. And now I wish he would stop. I don't remember The Big One ever being so poor at aiming, and he stood from day one of being out of diapers. I have to wipe down the toilet, the walls, the floor, and even the trash can all the time. And now that Daddy is gone, there isn't anyone else to do it but me.
Speaking of him leaving, I'm sick of doing everything. I have nobody to help with anything. I have to do it all from sun up to sun down, and then some. Guess what, I'm sickofitall!!!
So, Bubba, sit down to pee at home! At least then I would have one less thing to do.

changes

2010-10-04T22:43:00.002-04:00

there have been changes
He moved out over a week ago
I'm not dealing well
I still see him every day because of the boys
But I miss him

real update to come soon

St. Jude

2010-10-04T22:19:00.002-04:00

I am walking to raise money for St. Jude. Please consider donating today!

Too Bad 10 isn't a choice...

2010-09-12T10:55:00.002-04:00

I am going to be running on 10/10/10. There is a local festival that has both a 5k and a 15k race to run that day. Last year I came in second in my age group for the 5k. The first and only time I will probably ever place in a race. I haven't run a 15k yet. In my head, I have myself convinced that I can't do it. Not sure why. Maybe it's because of the disaster that was the Mountain Goat 10 mile race this year. 9 miles seems very daunting after that.
So, do I run the 5k and see if I can get the gold medal this year, or do I run the 15k and hope I don't die? If they added a 10k this year then I could run 10 on 10/10/10, how cool would that be?

What is Veggie Choice?

2010-09-11T08:43:00.003-04:00

In our school district, Kindergarten is only half day, so first grade is the first opportunity to eat lunch at school. Bubba started 1st grade this past Wednesday. Tuesday night we pulled up the lunch menu to decide if he should bring or buy for the first day of school. The menu consisted of:
Chicken Nuggets, Smiley Face Potatoes, Veggie Choice, and Peaches. He of course wanted to know what veggie choice meant. I told him it probably meant they would have at least two vegetables for the children to chose from. Bubba thought about this for a moment, and said "I think I'll bring my lunch tomorrow, because it could mean cabbage, and I don't like cabbage."

Good News

2010-09-03T15:30:00.003-04:00

I had a follow up appointment for my back/neck. I'm all good now. Ok, not all good. But better. I can continue doing what I'm doing, and if I decide I need something more, he will send me to a spine specialist. But the best part about the appointment, I weighed 8 lbs less than I did when they weighed me 3 weeks ago. Honestly, the nurse who weighed me last time must have done something wrong. But today's weight is only 4 lbs from what in my head is my "ideal, goal, wanna be" weight.
Now, time to hit the pavement and the pool, I got miles to make up!

What I Learned on Summer Vacation

2010-09-02T20:09:00.006-04:00

This past weekend I took the boys on a little mini vacation. My cousin-in-law lives in the Boston area, and invited the three of us out for a long weekend. She has lived in Boston practically all of her life, so she forgets about all the fun touristy things there are to do. Knowing my Bubba's love for all things living, I knew a trip to the New England Aquarium was a must. Cousin Jenn decided we should do the whale watch too, since she had never done one.
The aquarium and whale watch were awesome. Both boys enjoyed every bit. We could have spent days in the aquarium. Bubba was in his glory.

And on the whale watch we saw 4 whales up close, several in the distance, a shark, and a jellyfish. Well worth the windy ride out and back.
We also got to spend a day at Jenn's parents house (the husband's aunt and uncle) Saturday. Their house is amazing, tennis courts, pool, and a big enough yard that the big boys were out hitting golf balls.

Jenn and I are very close, despite the fact that she's not my cousin, I get to keep her. Jenn is a musician, has her own band, and her husband is in a band. Their house has a drum set, several guitars, an electric stand up bass, and a piano. Plus lots of other noisy stuff. And she lets the kids have access to all of them. Bubba now wants a drum set.

The weekend was so much fun. I wish it wasn't a five hour drive to get there. We would visit much more often. But the most fun was actually on the ride there. The Big One and I had a lot of fun. And Bubba makes me laugh, usually without meaning too. I am blessed to have two awesome kids. Not sure what I did to deserve them, but being their mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Oh yeah, I also learned that I should really take Nine Inch Nails off my iPod before a trip. Nothing like having Closer come on with your almost 14 year old in the car. OOPS!

September 70.3

2010-09-01T18:50:00.001-04:00

Well, since I suck and am not doing the Syracuse 70.3, I decided to join my twitter buddy Heather and do this instead: A half ironman with a twist....in honor of the 70.3 you have one month to swim 7.03 miles, bike 70.3 miles, and run 70.3 miles.

Not an impossible feet, but not really easy either. Especially with The Big One playing Freshman soccer, Bubba playing micro-soccer and joining the local club swim team, and the fact that my Y membership is on hold until the 20th. But, a half iron is supposed to be challenging, so I'm going to give it a tri.

Anyone else care to join me in the challenge?

Pepe is a Pain in the Neck

2010-08-25T06:46:00.001-04:00

So I decided, against everyone's advise, to take Pepe for a spin last night. Went with my training buddy Missy, 15 hilly miles. First ride in over two weeks. One word to describe that ride, PAIN!

So, after two weeks of physical therapy making me feel better, I went and screwed it up with one little bike ride. But, the good news is a know the source of the pain. Now I need to figure out how to make it not happen. Not training, and not tri-ing are NOT options. I will be taking myself and Pepe in to a bike shop for a proper fitting. Whatever time and money it may take (two things I am short of) I will figure out a way to make Pepe and I fit together.

I need to do it asap, cause I want to do the Trek ride in six weeks. And not the 10 miles. I'm going for the 25!