I want to be a good dad to Aiden

Happy Valentine's Day, Aiden!

2014-02-14T12:55:00.000-08:00

To my son Aiden:

Dear Aiden,

I love you very much. You are a huge part of my life, and I will always do everything I can to be a very important part of your life. I will fight to overcome whatever obstacles lie in my path to being the best, most involved father I can be for you. I will never give up on being your dad, and I will never give up on you.

Happy Valentine's Day!

All my love,
Dad

Bad Faith, Again

2011-12-07T20:26:00.001-08:00

Wednesday afternoon was a scheduled call from Aiden. In the few seconds I got to talk to Aiden about last weekend's trip to my home, he said he liked the nearby park and my landlord's dog. We were having a conversation, as opposed to the all-too-frequent, "I don't want to talk to you, Daddy. 'Bye." calls I get.

Then the call was dropped after 57 seconds. I know it was dropped (meaning Aiden did not hang up) because my cell phone display read "CALL LOST."

I immediately called Aiden's mother's cell phone and home phone numbers, saying that the call was dropped, I did NOT hang up, and I would like her to call back so I could continue to speak to Aiden.

Nothing. No response.

Aiden's mom tells the world she wants me to have a relationship with Aiden, and does her utmost to foster that relationship. But tonight's call was very clear example of how she does almost nothing to ACTUALLY make a relationship possible. Everything she does is for show. When she makes the court-ordered two calls per week--which she does not do consistently-- she prompts Aiden to hang up or, like tonight, never calls back. If you doubt this, I would be more than happy to show you my phone records and have you listen to the recordings of the calls.

Nothing Aiden's mom does is in good faith. When I requested to attend Aiden's doctor's appointment during my last trip to California, she sent me only the address of the giant medical facility where the appointment was; she never told me the name of the doctor. When I did manage to attend the appointment--much to her surprise--and had to leave immediately afterward to attend a conference with Aiden's teachers, she never told me at the time that Aiden had another appointment--a follow-up with a specialist--immediately after the first appointment. She only casually mentioned in an e-mail later that they had seen another doctor after I had left. I'm sure she didn't "forget" to mention the second of two back-to-back appointments . It was clearly done deliberately to exclude me from actually being present at Aiden's medical care. Then she sent me a message about the second appointment so she can claim, "Oh, I told Rick about that--I sent him an email." Her bad faith knows no bounds.

Since she claimed that Aiden needed to see his therapist in order to process having an overnight visit with me (I'm not even going to get into how strange that is, given the amount of time Aiden has spent happily with me), I asked Aiden's mom for the therapist's name. She sent me only the first name of the therapist, along with the name of the giant medical center where this person supposedly works. Ummmm... first names are not enough, Aiden's mom...if you were really sincere about including me in Aiden's "treatment"--and isn't this all about Aiden seeing ME overnight--wouldn't you include the therapist's last name,as well?

No? I thought not. It's all about the ability to say "But I sent Rick that information!" without actually sending me any information I can act on--for example, actually call the therapist. It's all show with Aiden's mom...she rarely, if ever, does anything in good faith. I challenge her to to do anything in good faith--I will certainly post it.

A Sunday with Aiden

2011-12-04T17:20:00.001-08:00

I had a really nice visit with Aiden today. When I picked him up, I saw that he had brought with him a change of clothes (A thank you to Aiden's mom for sending extra clothes yesterday that Aiden ended up using today, as the extra clothes that I had bought him got sent back with him a few visits ago.)

I brought Aiden to see the home that I just moved into. It took about an hour to drive there, and another hour to drive back, taking up half of the allotted four hours. However, I felt it was important for Aiden to see where he's going to be spending time with me. I want Aiden to be comfortable and happy at his second home. I let him explore the rooms, and showed him the bedroom that's going to be his. He was excited to have his own room, complete with a mural-sized map of the world on one wall. I showed him the Los Angeles dot, then showed him New York state. Someday, he'll have some understanding of how far away that is. I certainly do, given that my sweetheart is still there.

After showing him my apartment, we took a walk around the neighborhood. I specifically chose the apartment because it's in a very kid-friendly area, on a quiet cul-de-sac with sidewalks Aiden can ride a bike on, a fenced backyard where he can play safely and help me plant a garden, and lots of natural areas nearby to explore.

Then we drove a couple blocks (because Aiden didn't want to walk!) to the entrance to a hiking trail. Aiden enjoyed leading me down the path. I asked him what he should do if he saw a snake; he said, "Stop! And back up!" (Smart kid!) I'm really hoping to spend time outdoors with Aiden, to help him develop his "sense of wonder" about nature firsthand.

After hiking, we came back and made peanut butter sandwiches, then drove back to Long Beach. I sat on a bench in the church yard and read Aiden more of "James and the Giant Peach" while we waited for him to get picked up. I overheard an elderly husband exclaiming to his wife that "Aiden's dad is reading to Aiden!" It struck me as odd that they would think this was such a remarkable sight. What have they been told about me?

All in all, I had a very good time, and I think Aiden did too. It felt really good to finally see Aiden in my own home, even if it's as new to me as it is to him. Now that I'm back in California for good, I'm looking forward to many more times like this with my wonderful son.

Duck, Dive, and Divert

2011-11-30T19:59:00.001-08:00

Back when I was married to Aiden's mom, she came up with a slogan that described her preferred method of dealing (or rather, NOT dealing) with the people and situations she would rather ignore and put off until they gave up and went away (such as pesky creditors trying to collect overdue payments): Duck, Dive and Divert. She's honed her skills at ducking, diving and diverting for many years, and now she is a master.

I've sent Aiden's mother two e-mail messages (with the same two messages sent in OurFamilyWizard), one each yesterday and the day before (11/29 and 11/28) saying:

Remember that the court order states I can see Aiden two out of every three days I am in California. I am available Saturday and Sunday, so those are the days I would like to have visits.

Yesterday's message also said:

I would like to see Aiden on Saturday and Sunday this weekend. Please respond so we can set up visit times and pick-up/drop-off locations.

So far, her only response (sent yesterday just before 10 p.m.) has been:

what happened to your desire to see Aiden on Wed?

Her question about Wednesday visits was in reference to a series of messages that last discussed weekday visits three days ago (Sunday, 11/27).

You can see she resorts to her tried-and-true tactics here--diverting the discussion from my requested weekend visits to the old topic of weekday visits, and ducking the current topic of Saturday and Sunday visits. Her response is not in good faith to address the serious co-parenting issue of establishing my regular visitation with Aiden, now that I reside in California.

Her Duck, Dive and Divert strategy ultimately results in the fourth "D," -- the Denial of Aiden's rightful relationship with his father.

I finally saw Aiden!

2011-11-27T22:40:00.001-08:00

I finally got to see Aiden today, the first time his mother has allowed me to see him since I arrived in California on Tuesday, November 22 (FIVE days ago). She only allowed me a three-hour visit, far less than I had hoped for, considering that when I was in California in late October through November 11, I had ten four- to five-hours visits.

Nonetheless, I had a wonderful time, and Aiden did too. He was literally jumping up and down with joy when he first saw me. We visited the Colorado lagoon, saw the Terminal Island drawbridge go up to let a big ship pass, and even stopped at a store so I could replace the watch Aiden lost on his last visit with me. (He chose a Lego Ninja watch!)

When we stopped to get dinner, I was mindful of Aiden's mother's warnings about Aiden's overeating, and only allowed Aiden to eat a single small fish taco, as Aiden's mother had suggested at the beginning of the visit. Aiden asked for snacks throughout the remainder of the visit, but I (reluctantly) had to tell him, "No, your mom doesn't want you to eat any more." I have to say that it's really hard to listen to your child say "I'm hungry!" over and over again and yet only be allowed to feed him a small amount of food.

I'm thrilled to here in California, so that I can see Aiden regularly. That's why I returned: to spend time with my little boy, who needs his dad in his life. I want to be there to read him stories and tuck him into bed; I want to help him with his homework and go to Open House night at his school; I want to take him hiking and show him the flowers and animals in the woods that he can't see around his urban condominium home.

But first, Aiden's mom has to let go a little bit and let me be a dad to Aiden. She has to agree to let me see him for more than a few hours at a time, for overnights and weekends. And so far, she has not been willing to do that--despite the long series of visits earlier this month. When I told Aiden that I had been in California since Tuesday, he understood enough to ask me why I hadn't seen him. I told him the truth: because his mother wouldn't let me see him. Not even for a couple of hours after school during this past week, when I was not working and Aiden was being watched by a babysitter. And that is truly sad, for me but especially for Aiden.

The Sounds of Silence

2011-11-26T12:00:00.001-08:00

So far, Aiden's mother has not responded to any of my e-mails or OurFamilyWizard messages asking her to let me see Aiden. In fact, she has still not even opened any of the three OurFamilyWizard messages.

I also left two phone messages (one each on her home phone and cell phone) both today and yesterday; she neither answered those calls nor responded to them.

Regardless of whether you believe I should be able to see my son this Thanksgiving weekend, her lack of consideration in failing to respond to my messages (though typical) is indisputable. I first let her know I wanted to see Aiden this weekend on November 18, more than a week ago. I understand that she may have had plans, but even so, why couldn't she have taken literally a minute to send a short e-mail saying, "Sorry, Rick, but I have plans"? Ignoring my messages/calls is just plain rude, and certainly no way to foster a successful co-parenting relationship.

Knowing that her lack of response will prompt me to call her daily asking to see Aiden, I believe Aiden's mom may turn around and accuse me of "harassing" her. She did exactly that last August through October, filing six police reports against me for allegedly calling her at all hours. After I sent the police copies of my phone records, and clear evidence that she had previously made false phone-harassment allegations against me in court (See the previous post Phony Phone Records here), nothing ever came of these reports. But she may try that tactic again.

All I want is to see Aiden regularly. I want Aiden's mom to acknowledge that it's important for Aiden to have a strong relationship with me--and then actually take the actions to foster that relationship. Denying me time with Aiden even after I move to California, ignoring my calls and messages, and forcing me to use the courts to get even moderately reasonable time with Aiden, all speak to her malice toward me. I'd rather we just cooperated, but I can't reason with someone who seems bent on withholding our son from me. I just moved 2600 miles from my home of three years to show Aiden--and everyone else--that I am serious about being there for him consistently, a basic part of his life, and that I'm not willing to settle for anything less.

Thanksgiving thoughts

2011-11-24T23:57:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope everyone had a good day filled with family, friends and gratitude. As for me, I have many things to give thanks for. I am grateful for my job, my vehicle that actually made it across the country despite its 219,000+ miles, my friends who cheer me on, and my significant other, now across the country, who supports me wholeheartedly. I am especially grateful for my three sons, whom I now live close enough to see much more often. Just today, I met with one of my older sons and got to reconnect with him.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about Aiden. I have sent Aiden's mother two copies of three messages--one each on Tuesday, Wednesday, and today--asking to see Aiden this weekend. Each message was sent to her to both her e-mail and her OurFamilyWizard account, which tracks when each message is viewed. As of this posting, she has not responded at all to the messages, not even to say, "Not a chance, buddy." In fact, she has not even opened the three OurFamilyWizard messages concerning visits, even though she did open (on Wednesday at about 9:30 p.m.) the two messages concerning phone calls that were sent after the first two messages about visits.

As I said in my previous post, I suspect she will deny me any time with Aiden until we have court on December 20; perhaps she will cite the 30-day notice provision of the court order of ten months ago (though she waived that provision for my 2-week stay in October/November, and my recent move to California was precipitated by a job offer less than 30 days ago); or perhaps she will not give me any reason at all.

I had asked Aiden's mother to have Aiden call me today, Thanksgiving Day, in addition to the twice-weekly scheduled calls. Here is the complete transcript of today's 8-second call:

Rick (R): Happy Thanksgiving!
Aiden (A): Happy Thanksgiving!
[disconnected]

I'm guessing that Aiden's mother will tell her friends that she complied with my request and had Aiden call on Thanksgiving to wish his dad "Happy Thanksgiving"---without mentioning that those were the only two words that Aiden said to me.

At least I got two words from Aiden...last year, Aiden's mom completely ignored my request to speak to Aiden on Thanksgiving. I hope that by next Thanksgiving, one of the things that I can give thanks for is having a meaningful relationship with Aiden developed over a year of regular, good-quality and quantity contact with my son. Is that too much for a father to ask?

California, Here I Come!

2011-11-20T22:41:00.000-08:00

I saw Aiden for three excellent visits over Labor Day (three hours, four hours, and six hours) and TEN visits (four or five hours each) over two weeks between October 29 and November 11. Now, I hope I will be able to see him on a regular basis. Because I love my son and want to be a regular, consistent part of his life, I'm leaving my home, my friends, and my significant other to move to California; I will be arriving before Thanksgiving.

I have asked Aiden's mother for a one-night overnight visit on Thanksgiving weekend, and two-night weekend visits every other weekend thereafter. Her reply to this was, "[The mediator] was helpful in facalitating [sic] discussions. I wonder if we could have her help us with this disscussion [sic]--." (FYI, the mediator's local agency in NY serves NY residents, which I am not any longer.) I suspect she will not agree to this schedule, because the current court order stipulates far less visit time. It's possible she will withhold Aiden from me entirely until court on December 20, saying that I did not give her the requisite 30 days' notice. (Because of my job situation, I could not give that much notice for the October/November stay in California, yet she agreed to visits then---although only under much pressure from the court mediator and Aiden's attorney.) Will she deny visits altogether, or limit them severely, if there is no one to compel her to do otherwise?

My question is, why would she deny or limit visits? Aiden has been completely happy during all of the time he's spent with me, never once crying or complaining of any physical problem. Why would she not want our son to see me frequently and develop a strong bond with me, while at the same time giving herself a much-deserved break from caring for a young child? Isn't this a win-win-win situation for me, Aiden, and Aiden's mom? According to my own and Aiden's attorneys, every other weekend is a pretty standard visit schedule. Aiden himself wants to spend time with me--listen to how excited he is during these phone calls when I ask him about seeing me:

November 20 call-"I'm excited!"

November 17 call--"Could you come more?"

Of course, the calls end suddenly, shortly after he expresses his excitement at seeing me.

The current court order for very brief visits, on only two of every three days of my trips to California, was made almost a year ago. Because the court has postponed our case thirteen times, I have had to take Aiden's mom to court in order to see him for more than the court ordered time for every single trip I have made to see Aiden. Now that I will be living in California and available on weekends to see Aiden consistently, I'm hoping she will agree to my proposed schedule of visits without my having to take her to court. For Aiden's sake, that would be really great...but I'm not holding my breath.

Playing with Aiden

2011-07-24T09:17:00.000-07:00

I had a few hours of fun playing with Aiden yesterday. He got to meet my significant other (CorningNY on this blog) while she took pictures and video of us. Aiden happily invited her to join our games of Freeze Tag and Graveyard Tag. Although it has been a long time since I saw him (I've started two different jobs since December), it was wonderful how he was completely at ease with me. After saying "good bye", he broke away from his mother and ran back to me exclaiming, "I want to give Daddy another hug!" That just totally melted my heart.

I'll write more later during this trip.

Aiden goes to the opera

2011-04-17T21:16:00.000-07:00

In court on January 27, 2011, it was agreed that Aiden's mother would have Aiden call me every Thursday between 5-7 PM and every Sunday between 4-6 PM (Pacific Time). These two 2-hour call windows were at her request, as she claimed that my scheduled calls to Aiden at a set time were inconvenient, particularly if he was eating or otherwise engaged in an activity.

Today, he called 25 minutes before the scheduled call window, only saying that he didn’t want to talk to me. I tried to ask him if he got my postcard and to tell him that an Easter gift was coming. He said “bye” and the call was promptly disconnected. I attempted to call his mother back, to inform her that this too-early hang-up call was not acceptable. It was answered, although no one spoke directly to me. I overheard Aiden's grandmother say that I was probably just calling to ask why Aiden had called early. Then the call was disconnected. I called one last time to ask why the call was early. No one spoke to me, and the call was promptly disconnected.

An hour later (half an hour into the call window), I received an unexpected call with what sounded like live opera music in the background. I said, "Hi Aiden!" several times, but got no response. For about ten minutes, I heard the music, but no voice at the phone; then the call was disconnected.

A couple of things really bother me about this call. First, she did not even have the common courtesy to reschedule the call, despite knowing Aiden would be busy during the scheduled call window. Second, not only did she call at a time outside the call window without notifying me, but it seems she chose to call just before the event started (probably at 4 PM). Being on your way out the door or already en route is not setting up a call for success. Also, think of the messages she's sending to Aiden by twice hanging up on me right in front of him--that it's OK to treat someone you don't like badly, and that his daddy doesn't deserve respect or courtesy.

Why didn't she just make a quick call to me earlier in the day asking for a different call time? Why has she failed to make 5 of the 25 (20%) court-ordered scheduled calls since court on January 27, 2011? ( 2/10, 3/6, 3/17, 3/27, 4/10 links to actual recordings) Maybe because she would have to believe that a little boy should have a consistent relationship with the father who loves him. Maybe because that would require her to set aside her overwhelming anger--so great that she refuses to speak on the phone to me-and put Aiden's needs first. And those are things she simply cannot do.

Saturday is Christmas

2010-12-24T18:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I wrote an email to Aiden's mother...

Since I do not know your plans for Christmas, I am unsure of the  best time to call Aiden on Saturday (Christmas day) for a successful  conversation.  I think it would work better if you could have him call  me when he has a quiet moment.  I'm very flexible. 

Please call me on Friday (any time) so we can set up the call  for Saturday. I know that his Christmas gift arrived this morning at  the Galaxy, and I'd really like to see him open it.  Back in August  (with you, Aiden and [your mother] present), I verified that his computer can  indeed access the Internet from your condo (or at least from across the  street). I would like to talk to you before Saturday about the call so  that we can establish a window of time that works for both of us---  Aiden will be ready to talk with me, and I can be at my computer to  receive Aiden's Skype call.  

Thank you, and have a good Christmas.  Please give Aiden a hug and a kiss from me.

...and today, I left her a voicemail with the same message. But, so far, there has been no response.

Call statistics

2010-11-30T22:04:00.000-08:00

During the past 4 months, my weekly average talk time with Aiden has been only 2 minutes 22 seconds, for a total of 41 minutes 20 seconds (I have recordings all but a few of these calls and call attempts). That's totally unacceptable!

         36 scheduled calls (I missed 2 calls, 1 during court and 1 during a visit with Aiden).

         18 calls never answered, never returned (50% of total).

         6 calls promptly hung up, Aiden saying “I don’t want to talk to you” (17% of total).

   1 call returned with subsequent conversation with Aiden.

         11 actual conversations with Aiden (31% of total).

His mother should NOT prompt Aiden to hang up (I have two clear recordings of this). Her words say that she wants me to have a relationship with Aiden, but her actions tell an entirely different story.

How can I possibly build and maintain my relationship with Aiden in only 2 minutes 22 seconds per week?

Phony phone records

2010-11-21T21:42:00.001-08:00

On Nov 9th, Aiden's mom and I had a court hearing concerning the Temporary Restraining Order she filed against me on Aug 26th, when I was again in California. I won't go into it here, but suffice it to say she made many allegations against me that I was ultimately able to prove were totally fabricated.

After I left California on September 1st, she filed four more police reports (in addition to the two she had already filed) saying that I had been harassing her by phone, while the TRO was in effect.

Her allegations are untrue, and simply do not make any sense. Why on earth would I "stalk" and "harass" her when I've been trying so desperately to have more contact with Aiden? In particular, why would I harass her by phone in direct violation of the TRO, while at the same time spending literally thousands of dollars in travel costs and attorney fees, trying to get the court to see me as a good dad and grant me more visitation time with my son? I would certainly not jeopardize my chances of seeing Aiden by doing things like that; it's just not logical.

In court, Aiden's mom presented a Verizon cell phone bill as "proof" of my harassing calls. I've attached it here. The thing is, all it proved was that she was lying to the judge.

In her phone bill, she chose not to include the columns (seen in my bill) that show where the call originated from, and its destination. Without this information, there's no way to tell which calls are incoming, and which are outgoing. She has marked "Rick" next to all the calls she says were from me, harassing her. Calls from me, on Tuesdays at 5:30 PM and Saturdays at 7:00 PM Pacific, are my scheduled call times with Aiden. These appear on my phone bill for 9/25 and 9/28 as calls to Alamitos, CA. Because she didn't answer those calls, they don't appear on her bill.

One of the ways she falsified the bill was to mark calls as being from me, even though they were calls she made to me . If you look at my own cell phone bill (here) on 9/25 (highlighted in pink), you see two calls clearly marked "Incoming CL" at 10:29 AND 10:35 (Eastern). Look on her bill: the pink-highlighted calls at 7:29 and 7:35 (Pacific) she has marked as calls I made to her--strange, as they were incoming to my phone.

But the most damning evidence is all the calls she attributes to me that have the listed phone number of 000-000-0086. Those calls (8 on this page, 47 over the billing period record she submitted!) are most certainly NOT from me, because they are calls she made to her own voice mail (marked in yellow) to retrieve her messages. If you look on my phone bill (also from Verizon), you can clearly see that calls to that number (dialed as *86) are calls to voice mail (also in yellow), as they are marked "Voice Mail CL".

Saying in court that those calls were from me, when she obviously knew they were not, is perjury. It's proof that she will do and say almost anything to keep me out of Aiden's life (her original TRO requested that I have no contact with Aiden as well as her).

In court, the judge saw that she was obviously lying about the phone calls (and about other allegations that I was able to solidly debunk), and the TRO was completely dropped.

I'm thankful for that...but her behavior scares me. She actually told a friend that she looked forward to seeing me arrested. Exaggerating stories about your ex is one thing; knowingly presenting false evidence in court, and filing police reports and restraining orders based on these lies and outright fabrications, is something entirely different.

I'm an adult, so I can handle whatever she throws my way. But Aiden is being raised by a mother who believes that lies serve as well as the truth to accomplish her ends. I hope this is one lesson he does not learn from her.

Playing Games

2010-11-21T18:59:00.000-08:00

I had my scheduled call with Aiden last night. To his mother's credit, she answered my question about how Aiden is recovering from his illness--though she did not volunteer any information until I asked and still will not allow me to contact his doctor directly for more information.

However, when Aiden came to the phone, he immediately said he could not speak to me because he was playing Candyland (a game I got him for his birthday). The entire phone call lasted under two minutes.

My calls to Aiden are prearranged; I call every Tuesday at 5:30 PM and every Saturday at 7:00 PM Pacific time. There was no reason for Aiden's mom to start playing a game with him just before my call, knowing full well that I would be calling. She could have played with him another time during the day, or held off until after my call. Or she could have had him call me back after he was done playing, as I requested in an e-mail I sent her after the aborted call. She even could have encouraged him to take a break from the game for a few minutes to speak with me, though of course he wouldn't have wanted to.

Instead, she chose to play games with me, by deliberately setting up the call so Aiden would not want to talk, and then failing to grant my reasonable request for a call back later. These games where she answers my call, but then pulls Aiden away from an activity or actively encourages him to hang up may satisfy her desire to keep Aiden from speaking to me, but at what cost to Aiden? Building a relationship with the father who wants to be an involved and important part of his life is certainly more important for Aiden than playing a game. Aiden should not be a pawn in her games; he's a little boy who needs his dad.

An apology to Aiden's mother

2010-11-17T16:26:00.000-08:00

To Aiden's mom: I apologize for my earlier post (now deleted) that implied you may have mistreated Aiden. I expect that you are doing the best you can, under the circumstances.

Readers: The whole situation with Aiden's health is extremely frustrating to me. I first learned about Aiden's swollen feet and legs on Nov 4th, earlier in the same day that I was scheduled to have a 1-hour visit with him, when his mother emailed me that "Aiden is sick today home from school. He is really worn out and his legs are really swollen. It is painful to touch his legs." During that visit, she said he has venous thrombosis (blood clots), but wouldn't provide me with any details about his diagnosis, treatment and prognosis. During the other two 1-hour visits, I felt that I could not ask for further details, without being accused of violating the then-active temporary restraining order. Aiden's mother never answered my scheduled call to him on Nov 6th. And while we were in family court on Nov 9th (when the restraining order was dropped), no further information about Aiden's condition was provided.

I heard nothing more about Aiden's condition until Nov 14th, when I learned (though not from his mother) that he had recently been in the hospital. And a different source (also not his mother), informed me that he has Henoch-Schönlein purpura (HSP). Late that night, his mother emailed me saying, "He has some blood in his urine. Don't know the cause could be from the medicine that was used to treat his legs last week. He is on medicine to help with the urine. In one day it has already worked as there is less blood color in his urine today." Meanwhile, she won't tell me what medicine he is taking, or how I can speak with his doctor.

Because bloody urine indicates kidney trouble, I am very worried about Aiden.

"But I want to talk some more!"

2010-11-16T06:11:00.000-08:00

Aiden's mother seldom answers my scheduled calls with Aiden. She has ignored 7 of my last 10 calls to Aiden. And even on those rare occasions when I do get to talk with him, she intrudes.

In a recent call, my son was very excited to talk with me "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" (0:1:30). However, when Aiden's mother prompts him to hang up, he protests "Don't wanna! Don't wanna!" (0:4:12). After a few minutes of actual conversation (albeit using her prompted questions), Aiden unexpectedly says sadly, "Bye bye..." (0:7:40). It makes me very sad that Aiden clearly wants to talk with me, but is not permitted to.

Shortly afterward, she whispers something, to which he protests, "But I want to talk some more!" (0:7:45). Finally, he asks me an often repeated question, "Why do knights need swords?" (0:8:44) and is disconnected without uttering another word (0:9:00).

Absolutely every visit and every phone call is directly controlled by Aiden's mother, prompting his every question and answer. Clearly, he doesn't ask or answer questions without her permission. It really irks me that she is so controlling and intrusive.

In order to have a normal relationship with my son, I want visits and phone calls that are unsupervised (or at least supervised by anyone but his mother).

Breaking my heart in one minute, seventeen seconds

2010-11-14T16:15:00.000-08:00

It is so clear to me that Rick just wants to be a normal, involved dad to Aiden. To do the kinds of things that parents do with their kids every day--play games with them, teach them things, take them places and show them the all the cool things in the world. Because he's far away, obviously his time with Aiden is limited. But even when he's in California, Aiden's mom is using the court system to prevent Aiden from spending time with his dad and so developing some kind of normal relationship with him. When Rick was in California in August, he got to see Aiden only four times--for a total of about five hours--in the 16 days he was there. Three of those visits were court ordered. Rick extended his stay in California for the sole purpose of getting more visits with Aiden after Aiden returned from a trip with his mother, hoping that she would be kind enough to grant visits that were not court ordered. She refused. No, strike that; she never even responded to Rick's pleas to see his child. She just ignored his calls. So Rick sat in his hotel room, while Aiden stayed at day care.

This is a recording of a call Rick made during that visit; he was visiting the Aquarium of the Pacific, and wanted to share that experience with his son.

Because of Aiden's mom, a little boy and his dad never got to spend that time together. That day, that chance to build their relationship, is gone forever. And that's what breaks my heart.

Withholding telephone access to Aiden -and- bait to violate a dubious TRO

2010-11-03T06:49:00.000-07:00

Fully 80% of my recent scheduled calls to Aiden have gone unanswered and never returned. Meanwhile, my legal challenge to Aiden's mother's dubious Temporary Restraining Order has not yet been heard in court, although the judge did order 3 one-hour visits while I am here in California. Until then, I am must not contact Aiden's mother (which suits me fine, frankly). Yet, at the same time, she maliciously mislabels my scheduled calls to Aiden (which the TRO allows) as "harassment", and has filed six police reports accordingly.

Here's my latest attempt to contact Aiden for a regularly scheduled call...

Aiden's Mom: "Hello?"
me: Telephone access to Aiden, please.
AM: "He's not here, but he's planning on seeing you on Thursday."
me: I'm calling for Aiden.
AM: "Hey! Rick? I have a question, why did you hire a private investigator instead of hiring David Karoda? We would have been a lot further and a lot more amicable."
me: I can't contact you right now. I'd like to speak with my son, because it's the regularly scheduled time. If he is not available at this regularly scheduled time, he may call me back later this evening at his conven...
AM: [interrupting] "Well, he's planning on seeing you Thursday."
me: I look forward to seeing Aiden on Thursday at Chick-Fil-A at 5 o'clock. Do I remember that correctly?
AM: "I dunno. Do you?"
me: Do you? Is he...
AM: [interrupting] "So why did you hire a private investigator instead of... Why did you want to dig up dirt, instead of just like coming to a mediation, that would have got you a lot farther?"
me: This is not an appropriate conversation. I was calling for Aiden. Have Aiden call me when he is available. Thank you. [*I* disconnected]

Before I learned how very expensive it is, I offered to pay for mediation with a professional mediator. Thus, to ensure that she would actually cooperate and not just waste the mediator's time and my money, I asked her to contribute half or at least a significant portion of the expense. In my mind, her loud refusal simply confirms that she was never really motivated to help me restore my participation in Aiden's life.

I could care less what she does with her life, but Aiden needs his daddy.

What does your new piano look like, Aiden?

2010-10-23T20:11:00.000-07:00

At the end of August, my family's piano was moved out of Aiden's home in California. And just to recover this heirloom, I was court ordered to pay Aiden's mother $7,000 for a "replacement" piano. In my local area, I found that $7,000 is enough to buy two pianos. And since I've overheard Aiden's mother tell him that "Daddy wants to take stuff away from us," I'd be very interested to see just exactly what my $7,000 actually bought. After two months, I expect that Aiden should be happily playing his "replacement" piano by now.

Honestly, just how much piano does a 4-year-old boy really need?

How can I possibly develop a positive relationship with Aiden when given an average of only 6 minutes per week of contact ?!??

2010-09-18T22:18:00.000-07:00

During the last two months, I have had a total of less than one hour of phone/video contact with my son.

Out of 20 scheduled calls, 8 were not answered, 6 were 2 minutes or less. Of the 6 conversations lasting longer than 3 minutes, 4 were disconnected mid-sentence. While I was in California for divorce court, his mother made no effort to answer my scheduled calls to Aiden. And contrary to her testimony in court, she has only participated in one video call.

Pacific Time    Contact min:sec
Sat 9/18    no answer
Tue 9/14    6:43 video   Contact appeared to be accidental. One hour after scheduled time, I noticed Aiden was online and called him on my computer. He appeared to be at a noisy public event with other kids. I never spoke with Aiden's mother, and she may not have been aware of this contact.
Tue 9/14    no answer at scheduled time.
Sat 9/11    no answer
Tue 9/07    6:14
Sat 9/04    0:06    "I don't want to talk to you."
Tue 8/31    no answer
Sat 8/28    no answer
Tue 8/24    0:42    "I don't want to talk to you." Contact appeared to be accidental. After ignoring calls at the scheduled time, his mother's hands-free headset apparently automatically answered my follow-up call.
Sat 8/21    no answer
Tue 8/17    no call during in-person visit
Sat 8/14    no answer
Tue 8/10    0:20   "I don't want to talk to you."
Sat 8/07    4:35     video call, prompted by Aiden's mother.
Tue 8/03    1:37
Sat 7/31    2:19
Tue 7/27    1:30   [loud music]
Sat 7/24    12:12
Tue 7/20    11:40
Sat 7/17    9:39
Tue 7/13    no answer
Totals    46:19 phone     11:18 video    57:37 total

Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)

2010-09-08T19:56:00.000-07:00

It has often been said there are two sides to every story, and most people (including family law judges) assume that somewhere in between lies the truth. Many people will retain this view, even when presented with overwhelming evidence to the contrary. As difficult it might be to believe, there really are people who lie about everything. But why would anyone actually do that?

In too many divorce cases, parents may regard divorce to be synonymous with personal destruction. Thus, they will stop at nothing to win, and no one pays a higher price than their children caught in the crossfire. Regardless of how parents may feel about each other, it's imperative they be mature enough to realize the extreme damage that they inflict upon all involved by using their children against their ex-spouses. And what some parents do to their children is rather alarming.

In the 1980s, Dr. Richard Gardner uncovered a disturbing phenomena among children of divorce. Over an extended period of time, a child subjected to continual, groundless negativity regarding one parent will eventually succumb to the exposure and adapt the distorted view presented. Namely, a custodial parent can systematically destroy their child's absent parent so completely that the parental bonds are shredded beyond repair. But these mind game players generally fail to recognize how their child pays the heftiest price.

Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a mental health condition that is implicated as the root cause of false child abuse allegations. In some cases, parents aren't aware of what they're doing and once it's made clear to them, they cease. But the greater majority involves malicious intent. Twenty-two states have ruled in PAS cases.

What began as an anger fueled attempt on the mother's part to sever the father-child bond, ends with the mother losing complete custody. In most cases it is the mother that begins the hate campaign against the father. For the sake of clarity the following list of symptoms assumes the mother to be in that role:

Under the guise of trust, care and honesty, the mother chronicles divorce details from a slanted viewpoint that paints dad as mean and mom as a victim.
Refuses to help the child transition to time with the dad by not allowing the child to take toys or other favored items with them and by repeatedly telling the child daddy's house is not their home but merely a place to visit.
Unwilling to be flexible with the visitation schedule.
Overbooking the child in activities in order to reduce visitation time. When the dad wants the child to spend time with him rather than be in constant motion, the mother will label the dad as selfish and her as the good parent because she doesn't restrict the activity time.
Denying the father access to medical and/or school records and other important documents.
Listening in on the child's phone conversation and/or coaching them on what to say.
Draws the child into a co-dependent relationship by making him/her feel guilty for having fun with dad. She uses minor illnesses as an escape to prevent visitation, proclaiming herself to be the only one capable of caring for the child.
Telling the child how sad she is during visitation times, making the child feel guilty for having fun with dad.

PAS is a psychological disturbance that requires professional intervention. Understanding the psychosis of the behavior is paramount in helping children. And don't naively believe that the alienating parent can simply stop the destructive behavior at any point. It's more like an addiction. Initially, the perpetrator may be oblivious to the harm they are inflicting upon their children; and even if the realization occurs, they may not be able to stop.

PAS parents seek total control over their child. They are incapable of forming normal healthy relationships with people in their lives. They are severely self-centered, unable to give, only take and lack compassion for others. They've lost the ability to sort out the truth from fiction. They are willing to go to extraordinary lengths to have their way, even if it means destroying an essential relationship for their child.

Affected children should get counseling by a therapist familiar with the mental dysfunction of PAS. A trained third-party individual can help children cope with the continual strife and anxiety present in their daily lives. Play therapy is often used with younger children.

The most important thing a disparaged parent can do for their children is refuse to give up and keep on loving them even when they seem unlovable. Disparaged parents should resist the temptation to retaliate in kind. For the sake of their children, disparaged parents must rise above the PAS parent's psychotic behavior. Whatever they do right now might not appear to have any impact, but just wait ten years or so. It is very difficult to look far forward when the immediate present may look so bleak.

I do hope Aiden grows up to recognize that I've always loved him, despite his mother's present propaganda campaign fueled by our contentious ongoing divorce.

How Do I Do This?

2010-08-30T21:00:00.000-07:00

OK, so I'm not Rick. I'm just someone who cares about him, and, by extension, his son. (His ex-wife, not so much. She can take care of herself.) My question is, how do you go about caring about a little boy who is 2600 miles away, when the boy's mother, and the court, say that it's fine that you don't --indeed, that you should not--care about him (but keep paying that child support, BTW)?

I am a former day care provider, a former child protective caseworker, and a mother to two wonderful grown sons. I cannot countenance a court system in which a father wants to be a part of his son's life, and yet is denied that opportunity, because of a vengeful mother and a court system that believes her tall tales.

I know that when my husband and I separated, we agreed that our children would spend a week with him and a week with me. I chose places to live that would accommodate this agreement. But how do you deal with someone who does not want you in your child's life at all? Who insists that you do not even need to know where your child goes to day care, or for how many days a week, to have "a relationship" with that child? Especially when the "relationship" consists of two, 40-second calls a week. That consist of, "Daddy, I don't want to talk to you." prompted by her reminder that, "Here's Daddy on the phone, but you don't have to talk to him if you don't want to." Sigh.

I don't think this is right. There is a young child, Aiden, who has a father who is willing and able to not only pay child support (which he is completely current with), but WANTS to be a good dad to his son. Why can't he be that dad that his son needs?

Know the truth.

2010-08-28T09:35:00.000-07:00

I want to be an important part of Aiden's life.

Yes, I know I've been absent for nearly two years, but I doubt that you know the truth...

In the first six months of Aiden's life, I was his primary caregiver. But soon after adopting him, I became unemployed. Aiden's mother locked me out. She removed my access to all of our money. She told me not to come back until I had another high-paying job.

Broke and unemployed, no one would rent to me. Without an address, no one would hire me. Friends and family were sorry for my situation, but no one was willing to get involved.

Living in my car, I begged a distant relative for help. That help required me to relocate to rural New York. Aiden was the last person I saw in California. I read to him. I played with him. I cried. Aiden's mother was aware of my plan. She had me stopped by police. They let me go. Upon my arrival in New York, I knew no one other than my relative. I had to start my life over.

Even with my relative's help, I've been unemployed much longer than I've been employed. In my absence, Aiden's mother filed for divorce and thoroughly steamrolled me in family court. Without the benefit of my own legal representation, I lost joint custody of Aiden, and was ordered to pay more in child support than my gross income.

Last year, my father passed away. I inherited some money from my parents, which finally enabled me to pay all of the back child support. I've been current for several months, but Aiden's mother still hasn't cashed all of my support checks. My income and expenses are extremely low by California standards. For every three dollars I earn, one is for taxes, one is for child support and one is for my living expenses. Unfortunately, California is just too expensive for my limited income. I am still fighting for an appropriate child support order.

Since I moved to New York, Aiden's mother has not let me speak with him on the phone for a total of even one hour! I've sent him postcards, toys, books (search for "Daddy reads to Aiden" on YouTube), games and various other gifts (including an easy-to-use Skype-enabled mini-notebook computer), but I doubt that his mother lets him enjoy gifts from me. Meanwhile, she tells me nothing about Aiden's life. I don't know if he has his own room or how many hours per week he is in daycare or even his favorite foods/toys/pets.

I want to be a good dad to Aiden.